June 21, 2024 • 27 mins
10 years. To the day. From the accident that defined a life mantra. That is this very special episode - the second in our two-part series - of how the journey of recovering from a broken ankle led to the development of a powerful life mantra. From having her first major surgery to the first steps of recovery, join CH as she recounts the emotional journey of embracing pain, reconnecting with the most broken part of herself - literally - and finding the strength and courage to move forward.
Show Notes
- The city CH was surfing at is Westport, Washington.
- The surf break she was at is known as "The Jetty." More information and a visual can be found here via ExperienceWestport.com.
- CH received her orthopedic care from Proliance Orthopedic Associates, under the supervision of Dr. Erik Novak.
- CH's physical therapist was Kari Studley, who now has her own practice called StudleyPT.
- A full list of CH's key life mantras can be found on the About section of our Web site, LifeNotesfromChair17Podcast.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week's Life Note, part two of how recovering from a broken ankle developed a lifelong mantra.
Music.
Welcome to Life Notes from Chair 17, a podcast dedicated to sharing life stories,
wisdoms, and inspirations as we navigate life's journey.
(00:23):
Host CH aims to share thoughtful perspectives and insights from her own life
journey, as well as those of special guests and contributors.
Tune in for thoughtful conversations about lessons learned, wisdoms gained,
experiences had, and inspirations shared.
Find us where you get your podcasts and be sure to hit follow or subscribe so
(00:46):
you never miss an episode.
Now enjoy this week's episode.
All righty, welcome back in, friends, to another episode of Life Notes from Chair17.
I'm your host, C.H., and I thank you once again, as always, for finding me in
this corner of the podcast universe.
(01:08):
As always, I'd like to start off by thanking our returning C-17ers each week.
This includes our international listeners.
Thank you so much for your support.
Really appreciate it. But if you are tuning in for the first time,
maybe you've just found us on one of the major podcast platforms or via our
website out on Life Notes from chair17podcast.com, a warm welcome in to you.
(01:33):
Thank you for wanting to check us out. We hope you like what you hear.
And you will want to continue to tune in. So this is the second part of our
two-part, the strongest part is the broken part episodes,
which is the name of one of our most important life mantras,
(01:55):
and of which developed out of a very significant life event that happened to
me 10 years ago on this actual day of this episode posting.
So it is June 21st, 2024, when this posts,
and the accident happened to me on June 21st, 2014,
(02:17):
which, as I say out loud, I'm not sure I would have believed anyone if they
had told me back then that I'd be
telling this story as a two-part podcast episode, but alas, here we are.
Now, for those of you that didn't listen to part one, or you have yet to listen
to part one, this day is one that sort of lives in infamy for me,
(02:41):
as it was the day I broke my ankle while surfing.
It was the first time I broke a bone. It was the first time I was going to have
major surgery, had this major injury.
You do not have to listen to part one in order to hear this one.
And if you are one of those people that just needs to know how it ends before
it begins, and you've skipped this episode first, that's also okay.
(03:05):
But I do highly recommend listening to both because it's sort of like the accident
version and then the recovery version, which is this episode.
So it gives you the full picture.
But with it being 10 years since this happened, And the life mantra that developed
out of this moment is the namesake of these episodes,
(03:27):
and it still remains very true, and that is, the strongest part is the broken part.
So in more literal terms, oftentimes when we do break a bone,
it can grow back stronger than it was before we broke it, or actually stronger
than, let's say, the other bone that is its matching.
(03:49):
So in this case, my left ankle versus the right ankle, or your right arm versus
your left arm, whatever the case may be.
It's not always the case, but oftentimes that does happen.
And in more figurative terms, as we go through various life trials and tribulations,
we often find ourselves stronger on the other side of them, even if it absolutely
(04:12):
does not feel like it when we are going through it.
In fact, it probably feels anything but that.
So when we left off in part one, I had met with an orthopedic surgeon to assess
within a 10-day window of time whether I would need to have surgery to reset my ankle.
Now, sidebar for those of you who may not know or you've never broken an ankle before.
(04:37):
Arm, a bone, there is a measurement that they take of how far the bone is out of alignment.
And if it is within a certain number, a small, small number,
they may not operate and will actually use a cast to heal the fracture back onto the bone itself.
But if it is outside that small measurement number, the bone has to be surgically
(05:03):
reset, sometimes with hardware. wear.
And in my case, I was just outside that don't need surgery numbers.
So my fracture was a very straightforward bimalleolar fracture where I broke two bones in my ankle.
There is actually something called a trimalleolar fracture where three bones
are broken, which is ironic because the physical therapist that I worked with
(05:27):
actually had that happen to her and was recovering from it when I went to see her.
So it was a bit of a meant to be full circle moment, I guess, for the both of us.
And in my case, I would end up meeting a plate and five screws on one side of
my ankle and two screws on the other to realign it back into place and to heal it up.
(05:49):
So my physical therapist and I called it, we were part of the bionic ankle club,
because for me, the hardware would not be removed.
It would be permanent. She had her hardware removed, but she was still part
of the bionic club because she really built her ankle back to be pretty strong. And I.
(06:11):
I had never had any kind of major injury like this prior, which means I also
didn't have any kind of major surgery.
So that was a whole adventure for me as well. Turns out, comically,
I am really a lightweight on anesthesia.
It took me a very long time to wake up, enough that they were concerned to a
(06:35):
point to come tell me afterwards, words, hey, if you ever need to have surgery again,
you need to tell the anesthesiologist to not give you the full dosage.
So that actually came true for another procedure I had last year,
told that to the anesthesiologist. She nailed the dosage perfectly.
(06:57):
I woke up right as I was rolling into recovery.
All was good. So I actually really appreciate the staff at the the orthopedic
surgeon office telling me this so I would know this for future because apparently
it took me like 20 minutes to wake up and that's not good. So thanks all.
(07:17):
I took your advice and happily woke up very quickly from a previous procedure, but I digress.
I will say the entire surgery experience was again for me super surreal.
Again, Again, a first-time surgery person rolled into the operating room at 11 a.m.
Where everyone is moving in this perfect unison and precision in this giant domed room.
(07:42):
It seems as if you're being rolled into a stadium. I know that's not true.
If anyone watches Grey's Anatomy, you see that they actually do have a spot
above where doctors can watch the surgery.
It did feel that way, even though I didn't see anyone from Grey's Anatomy in there, but I digress.
You know, they put me on the table and they asked me how I broke my ankle and
(08:06):
before I could even finish saying that I had done it surfing,
I wake up and the clock says 12.20 p.m.
And I'm like, okay, so where did the last hour and 20 minutes go?
Super surreal. Thankfully, I had no complications from surgery.
And I was in a temporary cast for a period of time to get the swelling down and everything.
(08:30):
And once that was removed, I got to have this little nifty purple cast that
had this sort of looked like a Birkenstock.
So it had the top of the toes cut off. not
my toes but the top of the cast that was cut off
so that my toes could be exposed in this
little sole that kind of was completely shaped to my foot and it was summer
(08:55):
and that was going to help keep my foot cooler than it would have been if my
toes were completely covered by the edge of the cast and I really appreciated
that and I will say I do feel like my cast was pretty cool.
If casts can be cool, I don't know.
Or plaster, I think, is what they might be called, not in the U.S.
But this began a very, very long road of recovery.
(09:19):
So this was in June of 2014, and I was going to be off work for two months,
and I had to learn how to roll around on a knee scooter, and sometimes I couldn't
use a scooter, so I had to hobble around on crutches.
I had to shower, learning how to wrap my cast in a plastic bag and not stand
on it and not get it wet, but still be able to feel like I was taking a shower and getting clean.
(09:43):
I had to learn how to become really proficient at getting dressed using only
one good leg for balance.
I remember finally being able to go get my haircut after I have no idea how long,
and I basically had to crawl up steps into this Airstream trailer kind of thing
where my stylist was working at the time to get my hair cut and crawl up into the chair.
(10:09):
I mean, you know, I'm sure you all have some visuals going on right now.
It really was the summer of incredible balance and flexibility using...
An entire side of my body and not using the lower quarter of one side of my body.
So it was a strange six weeks of really being completely non-weight-bearing
(10:29):
and wandering around with as much as I loved my cast in all of its purple glory
and its Birkenstock-esque look.
The cast was there to protect my ankle and make sure that it healed.
And as a result, I became very disconnected from that lower quarter of my left
(10:49):
side. I couldn't see my whole foot.
I couldn't see my calf. Of course, I couldn't see my ankle. It was literally
vacuum-packed and insulated in this massive protective thing to help it heal back together.
And that left me very detached and desensitized to this broken part of me.
(11:11):
So when it came off, and I was to move into a very large walking boot, I kind of freaked out.
Firstly, because when my leg came out of the cast, it was so little because
all of my muscle was gone.
And since I have never had small legs, my legs have always been very larger.
(11:35):
I've had larger calves from all of the soccer and softball and cycling and all this.
I remember looking at my leg going, oh wow, so that's what a skinnier leg looks like.
Okay, with no muscle though, but hey, I have a small skinny lower left leg.
But again, when I looked at it, it felt like I was reliving when I got out of
(11:59):
the water and tried to look at it for the first time.
It looked normal, even though this major traumatic thing had happened to it
and my leg was a little bit smaller.
Smaller I don't know what I was expecting obviously gone
was the terrible bruising and the swelling from that immediate
impact although there was still swelling but I was I was terrified to touch
(12:21):
it I thought maybe I'd re-break it or something else and I remember my orthopedic
doctor saying to me you have to reconnect with your ankle don't be afraid to
touch it start to to touch the ankle,
touch the foot when it's out of the boot,
when you've got it resting and elevated and you're watching TV or maybe you're lying in bed.
(12:42):
And I have to say, this became a huge metaphor, this concept of often how we
can try to protect ourselves from the broken.
From the pain, from whatever might be something that's really uncomfortable
(13:03):
for us, but in order to really heal from it, we actually have to sit with it.
We can't distance ourselves from it.
We can't run from it, which literally, in my case, I could not do.
And I had to really get comfortable in that concept.
And so began four weeks of this strange attempt to connect with this broken
(13:28):
part of me while I was also in this big stormtrooper walking boot,
which I didn't have to wear all the time like the cast because obviously I took
it off when I slept and when I was just resting.
But it still created that barrier to
my ankle where I didn't see it at certain
(13:49):
periods of time and I could lean into this
insulated bubble to keep protecting it
and still be distant from it myself and
I will say the walking boot was never really a walking boot for me I always
still had to use crutches first two then one I could at least now shower without
(14:10):
having to spend five minutes wrapping my leg in a plastic bag and I was grateful I could now,
you know, sleep with my foot free and I could put a little bit of weight on it.
In fact, that was something they wanted me to do, but I still felt like I was
trying to wear the boot a lot and distance myself from my ankle because I just
(14:32):
had so much fear and I was afraid that I would hurt it again or that I would break Now,
mind you, there is titanium in there with the hardware holding it.
So there was no real way I was going to re-break it by simply,
you know, putting my foot down to stand on it for a second or,
you know, reaching down to try to massage the swelling.
(14:55):
But I just didn't want to go there mentally.
And even though I know I needed to do it physically, I just had this reservation about it.
Because I kept replaying the moment of the fracture over and over in my head
and wincing every time that I did so.
I still actually think
(15:17):
about the moment of the impact even drafting up
these two episodes I had to rethink about
it and I still had that feeling of oh yeah that was that hurt all this to say
that when the actual day came for my orthopedic doctor to tell me that I was
ready for physical therapy and I didn't necessarily have to wear the stormtrooper
(15:38):
boot anymore I could move to this more
lace-up ankle brace.
I was happy, but I also, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to see it as anything but a wounded part of me needing to be protected.
So taking this thing away that I felt I was maybe figuratively hiding behind
(16:00):
to protect it, I felt very exposed.
But I knew that I needed to build my ankle back to be able to do all the sports
things that I enjoyed doing. So walking, hiking, cycling.
Paddleboarding, and of course surfing, because I did have a goal to get back
(16:21):
to surfing, either here in Washington or when my dad was still living in Southern California.
So I knew I needed to go to a sports physical therapist. I had a very good recommendation for one.
I go to my first session in the boot with my crutches, not really knowing what
to expect. But I do remember that she asked me to bring both pairs of my regular shoes.
(16:43):
Which seemed sort of surreal for me because I had not really worn a shoe on
my left foot since June 20th of 2014.
And the physical therapist already had a sense of who I was because of the charts
my doctor had sent her, and I also had had a friend who had gone to her that
rehabilitated her knee through therapy with this particular physical therapist.
(17:06):
And so in the first part of our session, she says to me, so by the end of our
time today, I want you to walk out of here without that boot.
I didn't even come with just the little lace-up ankle brace.
I'm like, nope. And she very clearly, very calmly is telling me,
you're going to walk out of here without that.
(17:29):
And I remembered, I just stared at her in disbelief because in my mind,
there was no way that that could happen.
I hadn't put on a pair of matching shoes in two and a half I hadn't taken a
step without that boot, even though I was sleeping without it.
Maybe I had put my foot out for a little bit of rest now and then.
The concept of taking a physical weight-bearing step without it,
(17:54):
I was like, there's no way.
But she reassured me, it's okay.
You're going to be able to do it. It's strong enough. Trust me.
Those words it's strong enough trust me it was as if my ankle was saying that
to me in that moment and that I had indeed sat within the struggle and the pain
(18:18):
long enough and it was time to embrace,
the healing and so we began to go through our I think it was about an hour session
she takes the crutches and the boot away at the end.
She literally physically takes them from me and says, I want you to walk.
Walk out towards the door. Now, I had just been doing, you know,
(18:43):
an hour's worth of stretching exercises in a standing position and such.
I hadn't been really walking, and I was really first now feeling like I was
using my ankle for the first time in almost the entire summer,
because we were in September by the time I started physical therapy.
And so I got down from the exam table, and I was using it with my hand to kind
(19:05):
of support myself, and I took my hand away and I took a step forward with my left foot. It was stiff.
It was not completely fully flexible yet, but it held firm.
So I took a step with my right and then again with my left.
It didn't buckle. It didn't wobble. It didn't break.
(19:27):
And I will never forget that feeling of those first few steps.
It was really something else. And I did cry a bit.
And Carrie, who's my wonderful physical therapist, she carried my boot and the
crutches out to the car for me.
(19:47):
And I just kept saying to myself, through some tears, I haven't seen this and I haven't felt this.
I haven't seen two matching shoes. I haven't felt like I could walk.
And she was super reassuring. She laughed.
Left she gave me a big hug she told me she would see me next week and i remember
i got in the car i sat in the car for a few minutes kind of in stunned silence
(20:10):
but also sitting with that really.
Transformational healing first step i remember i took a picture of my matching
shoes so side by side i called it reunited i think i posted it to facebook i
think i had also done that too when i I had gotten out of my cast and I was
resting on the couch, right?
(20:32):
I had not seen two matching feet together. I had not seen two matching shoes together.
The most beautiful part of that day, I drove to a place in West Seattle that
had a small stretch of walking path.
This was just north of Lincoln Park and just south of Alki, where I must have
looked like a complete goofball because I'd gotten out of the car and I'd kind
(20:55):
of hobbled my way over, taking very small, rather stiff steps to this path.
But I had this huge smile on my face.
And I kept going back and forth in this little, must have been,
you know, maybe what, 50 steps back and forth, turn around, turn around,
almost like I was pacing or something.
(21:16):
And the combination of smile and I think my awkward stiff walking had a few
people stop to ask me if I was okay,
to which I really was overly gleeful in saying, I haven't walked in two and
a half months, to a broken ankle, and I'm walking for the first time today. This is a big moment.
(21:36):
And they were, of course, very happy for me. And I like to think that was the
true first step to begin the physical, actual healing,
moving past the sitting with the pain and actually starting to walk forward.
And in that moment, I had the epiphany or a message that came to me quietly
(22:00):
that said, the strongest part is the broken part.
So that thing that we think is so fractured, so broken, builds back into something
more than it was before. Stronger, better.
And although we might try to desensitize ourselves from it, to try to outrun
it, to try to numb it, to try to protect ourselves from it.
(22:23):
The true healing comes when we do sit and face it and start to walk forward again.
However scary and challenging and fearful and awful and worrisome that is,
it's not easy, but we do have to trust ourselves to heal and to be stronger at our most broken part.
And that was just the beginning of how much I would need to be reminded of that.
(22:47):
Because not long after I had started physical therapy and by the end of 2014,
I had found out I was going to be laid off.
And by February of 2015, I would face a very painful breakup that left me this
time emotionally broken while I was still trying to heal a part of me that was physically broken.
(23:11):
So when my physical therapy actually ended in March of 2015,
and Carrie said to me, you know what?
You are strong enough. You don't need this anymore.
I wasn't quite sure I believed her. Even after all of my success,
and I had been out snowshoeing on Mount Rainier, and I'd been cycling again
and walking again, I still was like, I don't know. I'm not sure.
(23:34):
But there was my ankle leading the
way literally as we were hiking cycling
walking paddling again like nothing
had ever happened and it was truly i like
to say on its way to being bionic and i ultimately needed all of that strength
(23:55):
and all of that as i tried to figure out what the heck was going to happen for
the rest of 2015 because that ended up being a very difficult year i quit a
job outright with With no plan in order to preserve my mental health,
I actually ended up back at the company that had laid me off almost one year to the day.
And I was actually able to serve one year to the day with my dad on Father's
(24:18):
Day in June of 2015 on June 21st in 2015.
And that was, I mean, you want to talk about crying a river of tears in the
ocean. That was a pretty powerful moment and I was very grateful for that because
it meant a lot on a lot of different levels.
And to this day, even right now in this moment, as I am recording this episode,
(24:41):
I am once again having to lean into this life mantra of the strongest part is
the broken part and remembering the journey that I took to heal this part of
me that I wasn't sure I could trust, that I was detached from,
that I felt as if would not be whole again.
And how ultimately that journey did get me to believe in myself again and what
(25:04):
I'm capable of doing and what I want to do and what I know I need to do.
And I know that there is that old traditional saying of whatever doesn't break
you make you stronger, and that's true. Right?
Sometimes when you are broken, whether it's physically or mentally or emotionally,
it can take a lot of tending to heal that break. It doesn't happen overnight.
(25:29):
It may take years and it will leave a scar.
I have two matching ones on either side of my ankle.
Not to mention I can and do sometimes feel the hardware inside on my ankle.
But for me this injury
with those scars is a reminder
of the healing process and the
(25:51):
importance of not trying to desensitize but instead to sit with and believe
in ourselves to heal and that those breaks sometimes ultimately do lead to the
biggest moments of strength strength, and resilience in our lives.
We just have to be able to take that first step, however small that might be.
(26:17):
And with that is the full story of The Strongest Part is the Broken Part.
As always, I ask you to be kind to yourself. Take it one hour at a time,
one day at a time, and I will see you next time.
Music.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Life Notes from Chair17.
(26:41):
Remember to follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode. We'll see you next time.
Music.
This week's Life Note, part two of how recovering from a broken ankle developed a lifelong mantra.
Music.
Welcome to Life Notes from Chair 17, a podcast dedicated to sharing life stories,
wisdoms, and inspirations as we navigate life's journey.
(00:23):
Host CH aims to share thoughtful perspectives and insights from her own life
journey, as well as those of special guests and contributors.
Tune in for thoughtful conversations about lessons learned, wisdoms gained,
experiences had, and inspirations shared.
Find us where you get your podcasts and be sure to hit follow or subscribe so
(00:46):
you never miss an episode.
Now enjoy this week's episode.
All righty, welcome back in, friends, to another episode of Life Notes from Chair17.
I'm your host, C.H., and I thank you once again, as always, for finding me in
this corner of the podcast universe.
(01:08):
As always, I'd like to start off by thanking our returning C-17ers each week.
This includes our international listeners.
Thank you so much for your support.
Really appreciate it. But if you are tuning in for the first time,
maybe you've just found us on one of the major podcast platforms or via our
website out on Life Notes from chair17podcast.com, a warm welcome in to you.
(01:33):
Thank you for wanting to check us out. We hope you like what you hear.
And you will want to continue to tune in. So this is the second part of our
two-part, the strongest part is the broken part episodes,
which is the name of one of our most important life mantras,
(01:55):
and of which developed out of a very significant life event that happened to
me 10 years ago on this actual day of this episode posting.
So it is June 21st, 2024, when this posts,
and the accident happened to me on June 21st, 2014,
(02:17):
which, as I say out loud, I'm not sure I would have believed anyone if they
had told me back then that I'd be
telling this story as a two-part podcast episode, but alas, here we are.
Now, for those of you that didn't listen to part one, or you have yet to listen
to part one, this day is one that sort of lives in infamy for me,
(02:41):
as it was the day I broke my ankle while surfing.
It was the first time I broke a bone. It was the first time I was going to have
major surgery, had this major injury.
You do not have to listen to part one in order to hear this one.
And if you are one of those people that just needs to know how it ends before
it begins, and you've skipped this episode first, that's also okay.
(03:05):
But I do highly recommend listening to both because it's sort of like the accident
version and then the recovery version, which is this episode.
So it gives you the full picture.
But with it being 10 years since this happened, And the life mantra that developed
out of this moment is the namesake of these episodes,
(03:27):
and it still remains very true, and that is, the strongest part is the broken part.
So in more literal terms, oftentimes when we do break a bone,
it can grow back stronger than it was before we broke it, or actually stronger
than, let's say, the other bone that is its matching.
(03:49):
So in this case, my left ankle versus the right ankle, or your right arm versus
your left arm, whatever the case may be.
It's not always the case, but oftentimes that does happen.
And in more figurative terms, as we go through various life trials and tribulations,
we often find ourselves stronger on the other side of them, even if it absolutely
(04:12):
does not feel like it when we are going through it.
In fact, it probably feels anything but that.
So when we left off in part one, I had met with an orthopedic surgeon to assess
within a 10-day window of time whether I would need to have surgery to reset my ankle.
Now, sidebar for those of you who may not know or you've never broken an ankle before.
(04:37):
Arm, a bone, there is a measurement that they take of how far the bone is out of alignment.
And if it is within a certain number, a small, small number,
they may not operate and will actually use a cast to heal the fracture back onto the bone itself.
But if it is outside that small measurement number, the bone has to be surgically
(05:03):
reset, sometimes with hardware. wear.
And in my case, I was just outside that don't need surgery numbers.
So my fracture was a very straightforward bimalleolar fracture where I broke two bones in my ankle.
There is actually something called a trimalleolar fracture where three bones
are broken, which is ironic because the physical therapist that I worked with
(05:27):
actually had that happen to her and was recovering from it when I went to see her.
So it was a bit of a meant to be full circle moment, I guess, for the both of us.
And in my case, I would end up meeting a plate and five screws on one side of
my ankle and two screws on the other to realign it back into place and to heal it up.
(05:49):
So my physical therapist and I called it, we were part of the bionic ankle club,
because for me, the hardware would not be removed.
It would be permanent. She had her hardware removed, but she was still part
of the bionic club because she really built her ankle back to be pretty strong. And I.
(06:11):
I had never had any kind of major injury like this prior, which means I also
didn't have any kind of major surgery.
So that was a whole adventure for me as well. Turns out, comically,
I am really a lightweight on anesthesia.
It took me a very long time to wake up, enough that they were concerned to a
(06:35):
point to come tell me afterwards, words, hey, if you ever need to have surgery again,
you need to tell the anesthesiologist to not give you the full dosage.
So that actually came true for another procedure I had last year,
told that to the anesthesiologist. She nailed the dosage perfectly.
(06:57):
I woke up right as I was rolling into recovery.
All was good. So I actually really appreciate the staff at the the orthopedic
surgeon office telling me this so I would know this for future because apparently
it took me like 20 minutes to wake up and that's not good. So thanks all.
(07:17):
I took your advice and happily woke up very quickly from a previous procedure, but I digress.
I will say the entire surgery experience was again for me super surreal.
Again, Again, a first-time surgery person rolled into the operating room at 11 a.m.
Where everyone is moving in this perfect unison and precision in this giant domed room.
(07:42):
It seems as if you're being rolled into a stadium. I know that's not true.
If anyone watches Grey's Anatomy, you see that they actually do have a spot
above where doctors can watch the surgery.
It did feel that way, even though I didn't see anyone from Grey's Anatomy in there, but I digress.
You know, they put me on the table and they asked me how I broke my ankle and
(08:06):
before I could even finish saying that I had done it surfing,
I wake up and the clock says 12.20 p.m.
And I'm like, okay, so where did the last hour and 20 minutes go?
Super surreal. Thankfully, I had no complications from surgery.
And I was in a temporary cast for a period of time to get the swelling down and everything.
(08:30):
And once that was removed, I got to have this little nifty purple cast that
had this sort of looked like a Birkenstock.
So it had the top of the toes cut off. not
my toes but the top of the cast that was cut off
so that my toes could be exposed in this
little sole that kind of was completely shaped to my foot and it was summer
(08:55):
and that was going to help keep my foot cooler than it would have been if my
toes were completely covered by the edge of the cast and I really appreciated
that and I will say I do feel like my cast was pretty cool.
If casts can be cool, I don't know.
Or plaster, I think, is what they might be called, not in the U.S.
But this began a very, very long road of recovery.
(09:19):
So this was in June of 2014, and I was going to be off work for two months,
and I had to learn how to roll around on a knee scooter, and sometimes I couldn't
use a scooter, so I had to hobble around on crutches.
I had to shower, learning how to wrap my cast in a plastic bag and not stand
on it and not get it wet, but still be able to feel like I was taking a shower and getting clean.
(09:43):
I had to learn how to become really proficient at getting dressed using only
one good leg for balance.
I remember finally being able to go get my haircut after I have no idea how long,
and I basically had to crawl up steps into this Airstream trailer kind of thing
where my stylist was working at the time to get my hair cut and crawl up into the chair.
(10:09):
I mean, you know, I'm sure you all have some visuals going on right now.
It really was the summer of incredible balance and flexibility using...
An entire side of my body and not using the lower quarter of one side of my body.
So it was a strange six weeks of really being completely non-weight-bearing
(10:29):
and wandering around with as much as I loved my cast in all of its purple glory
and its Birkenstock-esque look.
The cast was there to protect my ankle and make sure that it healed.
And as a result, I became very disconnected from that lower quarter of my left
(10:49):
side. I couldn't see my whole foot.
I couldn't see my calf. Of course, I couldn't see my ankle. It was literally
vacuum-packed and insulated in this massive protective thing to help it heal back together.
And that left me very detached and desensitized to this broken part of me.
(11:11):
So when it came off, and I was to move into a very large walking boot, I kind of freaked out.
Firstly, because when my leg came out of the cast, it was so little because
all of my muscle was gone.
And since I have never had small legs, my legs have always been very larger.
(11:35):
I've had larger calves from all of the soccer and softball and cycling and all this.
I remember looking at my leg going, oh wow, so that's what a skinnier leg looks like.
Okay, with no muscle though, but hey, I have a small skinny lower left leg.
But again, when I looked at it, it felt like I was reliving when I got out of
(11:59):
the water and tried to look at it for the first time.
It looked normal, even though this major traumatic thing had happened to it
and my leg was a little bit smaller.
Smaller I don't know what I was expecting obviously gone
was the terrible bruising and the swelling from that immediate
impact although there was still swelling but I was I was terrified to touch
(12:21):
it I thought maybe I'd re-break it or something else and I remember my orthopedic
doctor saying to me you have to reconnect with your ankle don't be afraid to
touch it start to to touch the ankle,
touch the foot when it's out of the boot,
when you've got it resting and elevated and you're watching TV or maybe you're lying in bed.
(12:42):
And I have to say, this became a huge metaphor, this concept of often how we
can try to protect ourselves from the broken.
From the pain, from whatever might be something that's really uncomfortable
(13:03):
for us, but in order to really heal from it, we actually have to sit with it.
We can't distance ourselves from it.
We can't run from it, which literally, in my case, I could not do.
And I had to really get comfortable in that concept.
And so began four weeks of this strange attempt to connect with this broken
(13:28):
part of me while I was also in this big stormtrooper walking boot,
which I didn't have to wear all the time like the cast because obviously I took
it off when I slept and when I was just resting.
But it still created that barrier to
my ankle where I didn't see it at certain
(13:49):
periods of time and I could lean into this
insulated bubble to keep protecting it
and still be distant from it myself and
I will say the walking boot was never really a walking boot for me I always
still had to use crutches first two then one I could at least now shower without
(14:10):
having to spend five minutes wrapping my leg in a plastic bag and I was grateful I could now,
you know, sleep with my foot free and I could put a little bit of weight on it.
In fact, that was something they wanted me to do, but I still felt like I was
trying to wear the boot a lot and distance myself from my ankle because I just
(14:32):
had so much fear and I was afraid that I would hurt it again or that I would break Now,
mind you, there is titanium in there with the hardware holding it.
So there was no real way I was going to re-break it by simply,
you know, putting my foot down to stand on it for a second or,
you know, reaching down to try to massage the swelling.
(14:55):
But I just didn't want to go there mentally.
And even though I know I needed to do it physically, I just had this reservation about it.
Because I kept replaying the moment of the fracture over and over in my head
and wincing every time that I did so.
I still actually think
(15:17):
about the moment of the impact even drafting up
these two episodes I had to rethink about
it and I still had that feeling of oh yeah that was that hurt all this to say
that when the actual day came for my orthopedic doctor to tell me that I was
ready for physical therapy and I didn't necessarily have to wear the stormtrooper
(15:38):
boot anymore I could move to this more
lace-up ankle brace.
I was happy, but I also, I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to see it as anything but a wounded part of me needing to be protected.
So taking this thing away that I felt I was maybe figuratively hiding behind
(16:00):
to protect it, I felt very exposed.
But I knew that I needed to build my ankle back to be able to do all the sports
things that I enjoyed doing. So walking, hiking, cycling.
Paddleboarding, and of course surfing, because I did have a goal to get back
(16:21):
to surfing, either here in Washington or when my dad was still living in Southern California.
So I knew I needed to go to a sports physical therapist. I had a very good recommendation for one.
I go to my first session in the boot with my crutches, not really knowing what
to expect. But I do remember that she asked me to bring both pairs of my regular shoes.
(16:43):
Which seemed sort of surreal for me because I had not really worn a shoe on
my left foot since June 20th of 2014.
And the physical therapist already had a sense of who I was because of the charts
my doctor had sent her, and I also had had a friend who had gone to her that
rehabilitated her knee through therapy with this particular physical therapist.
(17:06):
And so in the first part of our session, she says to me, so by the end of our
time today, I want you to walk out of here without that boot.
I didn't even come with just the little lace-up ankle brace.
I'm like, nope. And she very clearly, very calmly is telling me,
you're going to walk out of here without that.
(17:29):
And I remembered, I just stared at her in disbelief because in my mind,
there was no way that that could happen.
I hadn't put on a pair of matching shoes in two and a half I hadn't taken a
step without that boot, even though I was sleeping without it.
Maybe I had put my foot out for a little bit of rest now and then.
The concept of taking a physical weight-bearing step without it,
(17:54):
I was like, there's no way.
But she reassured me, it's okay.
You're going to be able to do it. It's strong enough. Trust me.
Those words it's strong enough trust me it was as if my ankle was saying that
to me in that moment and that I had indeed sat within the struggle and the pain
(18:18):
long enough and it was time to embrace,
the healing and so we began to go through our I think it was about an hour session
she takes the crutches and the boot away at the end.
She literally physically takes them from me and says, I want you to walk.
Walk out towards the door. Now, I had just been doing, you know,
(18:43):
an hour's worth of stretching exercises in a standing position and such.
I hadn't been really walking, and I was really first now feeling like I was
using my ankle for the first time in almost the entire summer,
because we were in September by the time I started physical therapy.
And so I got down from the exam table, and I was using it with my hand to kind
(19:05):
of support myself, and I took my hand away and I took a step forward with my left foot. It was stiff.
It was not completely fully flexible yet, but it held firm.
So I took a step with my right and then again with my left.
It didn't buckle. It didn't wobble. It didn't break.
(19:27):
And I will never forget that feeling of those first few steps.
It was really something else. And I did cry a bit.
And Carrie, who's my wonderful physical therapist, she carried my boot and the
crutches out to the car for me.
(19:47):
And I just kept saying to myself, through some tears, I haven't seen this and I haven't felt this.
I haven't seen two matching shoes. I haven't felt like I could walk.
And she was super reassuring. She laughed.
Left she gave me a big hug she told me she would see me next week and i remember
i got in the car i sat in the car for a few minutes kind of in stunned silence
(20:10):
but also sitting with that really.
Transformational healing first step i remember i took a picture of my matching
shoes so side by side i called it reunited i think i posted it to facebook i
think i had also done that too when i I had gotten out of my cast and I was
resting on the couch, right?
(20:32):
I had not seen two matching feet together. I had not seen two matching shoes together.
The most beautiful part of that day, I drove to a place in West Seattle that
had a small stretch of walking path.
This was just north of Lincoln Park and just south of Alki, where I must have
looked like a complete goofball because I'd gotten out of the car and I'd kind
(20:55):
of hobbled my way over, taking very small, rather stiff steps to this path.
But I had this huge smile on my face.
And I kept going back and forth in this little, must have been,
you know, maybe what, 50 steps back and forth, turn around, turn around,
almost like I was pacing or something.
(21:16):
And the combination of smile and I think my awkward stiff walking had a few
people stop to ask me if I was okay,
to which I really was overly gleeful in saying, I haven't walked in two and
a half months, to a broken ankle, and I'm walking for the first time today. This is a big moment.
(21:36):
And they were, of course, very happy for me. And I like to think that was the
true first step to begin the physical, actual healing,
moving past the sitting with the pain and actually starting to walk forward.
And in that moment, I had the epiphany or a message that came to me quietly
(22:00):
that said, the strongest part is the broken part.
So that thing that we think is so fractured, so broken, builds back into something
more than it was before. Stronger, better.
And although we might try to desensitize ourselves from it, to try to outrun
it, to try to numb it, to try to protect ourselves from it.
(22:23):
The true healing comes when we do sit and face it and start to walk forward again.
However scary and challenging and fearful and awful and worrisome that is,
it's not easy, but we do have to trust ourselves to heal and to be stronger at our most broken part.
And that was just the beginning of how much I would need to be reminded of that.
(22:47):
Because not long after I had started physical therapy and by the end of 2014,
I had found out I was going to be laid off.
And by February of 2015, I would face a very painful breakup that left me this
time emotionally broken while I was still trying to heal a part of me that was physically broken.
(23:11):
So when my physical therapy actually ended in March of 2015,
and Carrie said to me, you know what?
You are strong enough. You don't need this anymore.
I wasn't quite sure I believed her. Even after all of my success,
and I had been out snowshoeing on Mount Rainier, and I'd been cycling again
and walking again, I still was like, I don't know. I'm not sure.
(23:34):
But there was my ankle leading the
way literally as we were hiking cycling
walking paddling again like nothing
had ever happened and it was truly i like
to say on its way to being bionic and i ultimately needed all of that strength
(23:55):
and all of that as i tried to figure out what the heck was going to happen for
the rest of 2015 because that ended up being a very difficult year i quit a
job outright with With no plan in order to preserve my mental health,
I actually ended up back at the company that had laid me off almost one year to the day.
And I was actually able to serve one year to the day with my dad on Father's
(24:18):
Day in June of 2015 on June 21st in 2015.
And that was, I mean, you want to talk about crying a river of tears in the
ocean. That was a pretty powerful moment and I was very grateful for that because
it meant a lot on a lot of different levels.
And to this day, even right now in this moment, as I am recording this episode,
(24:41):
I am once again having to lean into this life mantra of the strongest part is
the broken part and remembering the journey that I took to heal this part of
me that I wasn't sure I could trust, that I was detached from,
that I felt as if would not be whole again.
And how ultimately that journey did get me to believe in myself again and what
(25:04):
I'm capable of doing and what I want to do and what I know I need to do.
And I know that there is that old traditional saying of whatever doesn't break
you make you stronger, and that's true. Right?
Sometimes when you are broken, whether it's physically or mentally or emotionally,
it can take a lot of tending to heal that break. It doesn't happen overnight.
(25:29):
It may take years and it will leave a scar.
I have two matching ones on either side of my ankle.
Not to mention I can and do sometimes feel the hardware inside on my ankle.
But for me this injury
with those scars is a reminder
of the healing process and the
(25:51):
importance of not trying to desensitize but instead to sit with and believe
in ourselves to heal and that those breaks sometimes ultimately do lead to the
biggest moments of strength strength, and resilience in our lives.
We just have to be able to take that first step, however small that might be.
(26:17):
And with that is the full story of The Strongest Part is the Broken Part.
As always, I ask you to be kind to yourself. Take it one hour at a time,
one day at a time, and I will see you next time.
Music.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Life Notes from Chair17.
(26:41):
Remember to follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode. We'll see you next time.
Music.
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