April 3, 2024 • 23 mins
Co-parenting with a narcissist is a stressful situation - but how do you keep your kiddos out of the conflict?
Tune in for some great tips on how to create the most peaceful environment you can for your children.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:21):
To Parallel Perspectives. The podcast that understands co-parenting with a narcissist
is like trying to navigate a minefield with a map made of spaghetti.
My name is Chelsea, and I'm here to help you through the journey of trying to
figure out how to parent with your ex when they are narcissistic or difficult or toxic.
And it's been a while since I've done an episode.
(00:43):
I've been kind of working on other projects, playing around with different ideas,
kind of, you know, had to step away from this content for a little bit.
I found I was too focused on getting listeners, getting traffic,
selling books, that I was starting to lose sort of, you know,
a grasp on why I was doing this in the first place.
(01:05):
And the reason why I write on the blog, the reason why I make these podcast
episodes is not for personal gain.
Pain that's just, you know, a pleasant byproduct, but to help people,
to help people work through difficult situations, to give you the help I wish
I had have had back when I was trying to figure out what it was I was dealing with,
(01:30):
why trying to co-parent with my ex was so difficult.
So I just, I needed to take a step away, but I'm back.
And in this episode, we're going to talk about how to keep your child out of
your co-parenting conflict.
So when you are co-parenting with a narcissist, it's stressful.
It's a very stressful situation.
(01:51):
But as much as you try to shield your children away from what's going on,
it can be stressful on them too, because they are moving between households,
between different rules.
Their other parents, you know, might not be a great parent, might be,
you know, have high expectations for them, strict discipline. plan.
(02:12):
So this is a very stressful situation for kids as well.
And while we can't change the way our exes act or treat our children, unfortunately,
what we can do is provide the most
stable and peaceful environment for our children that we can on our end.
And part of that is keeping them out of the conflict.
(02:37):
So completely avoiding conflict with a high conflict co-parent is not a realistic
expectation, but there are ways that you can reduce how the conflict affects your child.
But before we get into those sort of tactics, the things that you can do,
(02:57):
let's talk about about how conflicting co-parenting can affect your child.
So these conflicts will really affect your kids. It can make them feel stressed, make them feel anxious.
It can change how they behave.
They may start acting out more. They may start having trouble in school.
They may start to, you know, take it out on you a little bit.
(03:22):
And I know that in dealing with my own child's anxiety involving their other
parent, I was like, why am I getting the brunt of this?
Why am I getting screamed at and blamed and made to feel like a bad parent?
But what you have to understand is that you are your child's safe parent.
(03:44):
You know what it's like to deal with a narcissist. You know what it's like to
defend yourself, to point out their bad behaviors, all of those things.
It comes back at you tenfold and your children will begin to understand that.
And what they'll begin to understand unfortunately is it's easier just to let
things be with their other parent to keep the peace.
So when they're back in you know in your care, they're gonna let that all out, right?
(04:09):
And it's gonna be on you because they know at the end of the day you're not
gonna judge them, you're not gonna punish them, and you're still going to love them.
So all these stresses and anxiety can cause you know conflict within your own home.
So understanding how the conflict can affect your child is the first step to making things better.
It's going to help you see the difference in the efforts you're putting into
(04:32):
keeping them out of the situation as much as possible.
You're going to see changes in their behavior, sort of back to their normal,
a reduction in conflict in the home.
So knowing what to look for, these signs of stress and anxiety is going to help
you, A, A, recognize that your child is struggling and B, recognize how you
(04:55):
are making a difference in their life.
Now, if your child is to the point of being stressed and anxious that it is,
you know, impairing their life in a very negative way, it's time to talk to
a professional, go see your doctor, get a referral for therapy.
Trust me, it makes a huge difference. even after I've spent,
(05:15):
you know, 10 years trying to take control of the situation and trying to mitigate
how it affects my daughter.
She is in therapy for sort of a lot of residual anger and fear that came out of the situation.
And it's been the best thing for her. So if, you know, if you take anything
away from this, please get your child the support that they need.
(05:39):
You can only do so much. And I know that you're doing as much as you can.
That extra support is just going to make a huge difference.
And before we continue on, I just want to stop and talk about a little free
ebook that I wrote. I've probably mentioned it in other episodes.
It's called What About the Kids? Co-Parenting with Narcissist Mini Guide.
It's just a little guide to these sorts of things, how to support your child,
(06:03):
how to protect them, how to keep them out of the conflict.
Because as much effort as we put into dealing with our narcissistic exes,
you know, in order to reduce our own stress and to make the situation as easy
as possible, our children are at the center of it all.
And we need to remember that everything we do is for our kids.
(06:27):
So this little mini guide sort of pinpoints some more specific ways you can
help and support your child through the situation.
I will leave a link in the description, the episode description that you can
check out. and all you have to do is sign up and you automatically get a free copy of the book.
All right, let's get into it. How can you keep your kids out of the middle of
(06:49):
conflicted co-parenting?
So managing high conflict co-parenting demands a proactive approach to protect your children.
And a lot of it has to do with staying ahead of arguments and fights with your ex.
A lot of what I talk about when it comes to co-parenting conflict is finding
ways ways to avoid conflict,
(07:12):
trying to reduce the opportunities for your ex to start arguments and start fights and all of that.
So the first thing you can do is to set very clear boundaries with your ex.
I know that's easier said than done with somebody who is narcissistic.
Narcissists don't like respecting boundaries because they like to be the ones in control.
(07:34):
But there are ways that you can establish boundaries that your ex doesn't even
have to agree with, but that they have to follow.
And one of them is your communication boundaries.
Clearly state to your ex how you prefer to communicate and set the guideline
for the tone and frequency of messages. You can say, I will only respond to texts or emails.
(07:56):
You can say, I will not respond to you if you're going to insult me or start an argument.
And you can say, listen, I am only going to respond to you if it's about our child.
And then you can follow those rules. No court is going to tell you that you
have to talk to your ex about personal matters in your life.
No court is going to tell you that you have to respond to their insults and
(08:19):
accusations. visitations.
If you are involved in court and have a court order, it's going to say you need
to communicate in regards to your child and you can set boundaries around that.
This is also going to reduce a lot of that tension, a lot of those arguments
and keep them out of your child's life.
You can also set some visitation boundaries. If you have a court order,
(08:40):
this is going to be, you know, maybe not completely in your control,
but things like the schedule, the pick up and drop-off times the pick-up and
drop-off arrangements.
You can, you know, just write these things all out, send it to your ex,
and then this way you can avoid conflicts caused by miscommunication or misunderstanding
(09:01):
because it's all written out and it's all been agreed to.
So putting up these boundaries is sort of building a structured co-parenting framework.
It's also, And so imagine it's building a wall. I mean, these are boundaries.
It's a wall around your life and your child's life to try to keep out a lot
of the crazy that your ex is going to try to bring in.
(09:23):
So let's go back to communication for a second here, because a lot of keeping
the conflict out of your child's life is keeping them away from arguments and
blowouts between you and your ex.
And to do this, effective communication is key. And this means productive communication.
This means limiting that communication, typing over talking,
(09:45):
keeping your side of the conversation professional.
So when you're discussing something with your ex, think of it like a business deal.
You're going to want to stay cool and collected. You're just going to provide information.
You're going to take the personal stuff out of the conversation and only focus
on your child and the point of the conversation.
(10:08):
So stick to the kid-related stuff. Keep your talks all about your child.
Don't let your ex go off-topic. Ignore their ploys to go off-topic.
Ignore when they insult you. Ignore when they try to start arguments.
If they ask a question, answer it. Leave it at that.
These communication tricks, what they do is they do set the stage for a more
(10:30):
teamwork-focused co-parenting vibe.
This means that if your ex is maybe just difficult or toxic,
maybe they're just, you know, trying to get used to this new parenting situation.
By setting up this foundation, it may just change, you know,
the way you guys communicate into the future.
(10:51):
It may eliminate a lot of these conflicts over time. So it's really worth doing.
Now, if you're dealing with a narcissist, it's likely this isn't going to change
the way they're approaching co-parenting, but it does give you a bit more control
in the situation to reduce that conflict.
All right. So one of the most important things you need to do when it comes
(11:11):
to keeping your kids out of the crazy is to put their needs first.
Again, I know it's easy to get caught up in our own stresses and anxiety when
it comes comes to co-parenting with a narcissist.
But in the end, it's about what's best for our kids.
So try not to let your personal issues with your ex take the lead in how you deal with them.
(11:34):
Let, you know, let your approach be about your child.
This way of thinking is going to help you keep things smooth and avoid unnecessary fights.
So think of it this way. So your ex has made an accusation against you or insulted
you, is lying about you. And what what is your first instinct?
(11:55):
Your first instinct is going to be to defend yourself and to set them straight on what they're saying.
And I learned the hard way that when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic
co-parent, that is all pointless.
Anytime I tried to defend myself or set them straight, it just just snowballed
(12:16):
into these bigger arguments and these bigger fights and these blowouts that
would have me stressed out and upset.
And even though my daughter was quite young at the time, it certainly wasn't
a healthy environment for her as well.
So then once I realized that defending myself was useless, that it was like,
(12:36):
okay, how can I respond to him in a way that's going to not create an argument?
How am I going to respond to him in a way that's going to keep that,
all that, you know, chaos out of my daughter's life as much as possible?
And that's when I started realizing this whole limited communication thing.
Only respond to what I needed to respond to.
(13:00):
If he was going to call me names in a text message, I didn't have to reply to that.
And it's kind of neat. And this is why dealing with a narcissist is complicated.
It's a complex situation because you're dealing with a very complex person.
But let's just sidetrack for a second.
Let's say that your, you know, your ex has been texting you and you make the
(13:23):
decision that you're only going to respond to things that have to do with your
child and you're going to only respond in a way that is straightforward and business.
So different things are going to happen there. For one, you are now avoiding
a conflict and avoiding a potentially stressful situation for your child.
(13:43):
You are avoiding a potentially stressful situation for you. So those are two benefits right there.
What it's doing for you as well as the more you do that, the less what your
ex has to say is going to bother and upset you.
Over time, the more I ignored his insults, it got to the point where he would
call me a name and I would just laugh because it didn't bother me like it used to.
(14:07):
Because I understood that what he said about me didn't matter.
Now, the third benefit of this is that narcissists do this because they thrive
on the conflict, the control, the arguments, your reactions.
They love seeing you upset.
They want to upset you. They want you to get angry and fight back. It fuels them.
(14:28):
So when you take that away, you are in a way starving them.
And what may happen over time and what happened in my situation is my ex tried
less and less to upset me because he knew it wasn't worth his energy or his time.
So those are a lot of reasons why controlling your reactions and limiting your
(14:49):
communication and controlling the communication has lots of benefits across
the board, and it will benefit your children in the end.
So putting your child's needs first means making decisions that are good for them in the long run.
These could be things, like I said, trying to avoid that instinct to defend,
(15:09):
which is very, very difficult. cope.
But in the end, that's going to, you know, in the long run, that's going to benefit your kids.
You should also try to keep things consistent between both households.
I know that's hard when narcissists play by their own rules,
and there's no telling them that there's a better way to do things or that,
you know, the way they do things has a negative impact on the child. Do your best.
(15:32):
What you can do in your home is create an environment that is consistent.
So your child knows what to expect. That's, you know, has to do with schedules,
activities, discipline.
That consistency and expectation is going to help your child feel safe and secure in your home.
And when you do that, then that's when your child is going to open up about
(16:00):
their experiences and their stresses and their anxieties.
And again, they may take it out on you with meltdowns and screaming fits,
they may just, you know, open up and sort of express all their emotions.
And that's very healthy for your child. Again, we can't change what your ex
is doing, but we can make the situation better on your end, so that your child
(16:24):
can thrive and grow in a healthy environment.
I mentioned this before, I'm just going to mention it very briefly,
seeking seeking professional support, when you bring in a neutral third party.
I think I've mentioned this maybe in other episodes. I know I've talked about it on the blog.
If you can't come to agreements with your ex, you may have to bring in,
(16:46):
what are they called? Not a moderator.
I forget. A third party person. Let me look it up.
Mediation. A mediator. There we go. I got out there and start it with an M.
You can bring in a mediator to try and come up with sort of parenting time,
scheduling agreements, things like that.
(17:06):
If you really can't come to an agreement, it's, and you don't have a court order,
it's probably time to get one.
A court order is going to basically say, here are the rules and you have to
follow them. It's the law.
You might not get get everything you want, but it's going to sort of give a
framework and provide some stability for your child, some expectation again.
(17:30):
You can also do therapy. Like I said, therapy isn't just a quick fix.
And I don't want you to think that if your child's struggling a couple of sessions
is going to make everything okay.
It will help your child deal with the immediate issues, but it's also going
to help them deal with issues down the road and sort of build a resiliency resiliency
against their other parent.
(17:51):
A therapist could be good for you as well. They could help you try to figure
out how to co-parent, depending on your specific and unique situation,
help you work through your feelings about what's going on, how it's affected you.
Again, I highly advocate for therapy. I know it's not, you know,
(18:11):
the most affordable service. service, you can speak to your doctor.
Sometimes therapists will offer low-cost therapy when they have practicum students
working in their clinic.
There might be some free support groups in your area.
Don't shy away from it because it's a money thing. There are always ways that
(18:32):
you can get your child the mental health help that they deserve.
All right. The last thing I'm going to talk about.
When it comes to sort of keeping your child out of the conflict,
is using a co-parenting app.
And I'm going to drop a link in the show notes for our family wizard.
(18:53):
If you click on that link, it is an affiliate link.
So there is, they do offer a free trial. If you do sign up through that link,
I do get a commission and that's at no extra cost to you.
So what our family wizard is, is. It's a co-parenting app designed just specifically
for these situations where you cannot communicate with your ex.
(19:15):
You can't come to an agreement with your ex and things are spiraling out of control.
It provides one place to communicate. So instead of texting and emailing and
calling and all of that, it's one app.
It gives you a central spot to send messages.
And this way you can keep all those messages because having your communication
(19:35):
in written form is also useful in case you do need to go to court.
That can all be submitted as evidence.
It also has a calendar, a shared calendar, so that you can, you know,
put in the parenting times, any events, activities, and keep everybody on the
same page when it comes to that.
(19:56):
The app is neutral. So it is designed to discourage arguments that can turn
into full-blown conflicts.
So it'll help you reduce the drama and focus on more of the practical stuff.
And again, every chat, every shared piece of information creates a digital paper trail.
(20:17):
And that's super handy if you need to hold your ex accountable or if you plan
on taking them to court to have a court order issued.
So there you go. So these are all ways you can keep your child out of the conflict.
Number one is setting up those boundaries, limiting the communication so that
you can limit the conflict so it doesn't happen in the first place.
(20:39):
Then you're going to give your child a stable and reliable home where they feel safe.
And then if you need to take it to the next level, you can get the co-parenting app.
You can go get the court order so that that everybody is held accountable,
and that everybody is on the same page as to how the co-parenting arrangements will go.
(21:01):
Just another couple little things I do want to mention, because I know these
are things that we all sit here and say, oh, I would never do that, but I've done it.
You've probably done it. It's easy to do.
Don't badmouth your ex in front of your child, even if it seems innocent,
even if it's a small complaint.
I know you're not doing it to sort of negatively affect your child if you are
(21:25):
doing it. I know it's not being done to alienate your child from their other parent.
Sometimes it just happens in moments of frustration. We just let it out.
And that's not healthy or helpful for your child as well. So keep those things to yourself.
Write in a journal if you have to.
Or wait until your child's not around and vent to a friend.
(21:48):
Get it all out. Don't keep it in. get it out, but just don't get it out in front
of your child. And again, therapy is a perfect option.
If you feel like you are losing control of the situation, if you feel like the
stress and anxiety is starting to impact your life, please, please,
please, please look into getting the help that you and your child need.
(22:09):
I know you're doing everything you can to, you know, handle the the situation on your own.
But again, it's a complicated and complex situation.
There's, I've written the book, but even still, you know, every situation is unique.
And I think it would be beneficial to have somebody right there by your side
(22:29):
who can help guide you through it.
And if you are looking for a free option for that, I do have a Facebook support
group, specifically for parents who are trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex.
It's a great place where I share some, you know, some other advice.
People can ask questions if you're confused or you need help with a unique situation
(22:53):
you're in, you can post there for some insight.
And as always, that link will be in the show notes for you to check out.
Anyway, I'm sorry I disappeared for so long, but I am back and I'm going to
try to keep posting these episodes on on a regular basis.
But, you know, until the next one, feel free to come visit me on the blog.
(23:14):
Come visit that support group, come join the support group. Let's have a conversation.
And I will be talking to you in the next episode.
Music.
The advice provided in this podcast is not legal advice. Please consult with
a qualified professional for personalized guidance.
(23:34):
The terms narcissism and narcissists are used to refer to behaviors and tendencies
of an individual, not as an official diagnosis.
Music provided by Upbeat is free for creators.
Music.
Music.
(00:21):
To Parallel Perspectives. The podcast that understands co-parenting with a narcissist
is like trying to navigate a minefield with a map made of spaghetti.
My name is Chelsea, and I'm here to help you through the journey of trying to
figure out how to parent with your ex when they are narcissistic or difficult or toxic.
And it's been a while since I've done an episode.
(00:43):
I've been kind of working on other projects, playing around with different ideas,
kind of, you know, had to step away from this content for a little bit.
I found I was too focused on getting listeners, getting traffic,
selling books, that I was starting to lose sort of, you know,
a grasp on why I was doing this in the first place.
(01:05):
And the reason why I write on the blog, the reason why I make these podcast
episodes is not for personal gain.
Pain that's just, you know, a pleasant byproduct, but to help people,
to help people work through difficult situations, to give you the help I wish
I had have had back when I was trying to figure out what it was I was dealing with,
(01:30):
why trying to co-parent with my ex was so difficult.
So I just, I needed to take a step away, but I'm back.
And in this episode, we're going to talk about how to keep your child out of
your co-parenting conflict.
So when you are co-parenting with a narcissist, it's stressful.
It's a very stressful situation.
(01:51):
But as much as you try to shield your children away from what's going on,
it can be stressful on them too, because they are moving between households,
between different rules.
Their other parents, you know, might not be a great parent, might be,
you know, have high expectations for them, strict discipline. plan.
(02:12):
So this is a very stressful situation for kids as well.
And while we can't change the way our exes act or treat our children, unfortunately,
what we can do is provide the most
stable and peaceful environment for our children that we can on our end.
And part of that is keeping them out of the conflict.
(02:37):
So completely avoiding conflict with a high conflict co-parent is not a realistic
expectation, but there are ways that you can reduce how the conflict affects your child.
But before we get into those sort of tactics, the things that you can do,
(02:57):
let's talk about about how conflicting co-parenting can affect your child.
So these conflicts will really affect your kids. It can make them feel stressed, make them feel anxious.
It can change how they behave.
They may start acting out more. They may start having trouble in school.
They may start to, you know, take it out on you a little bit.
(03:22):
And I know that in dealing with my own child's anxiety involving their other
parent, I was like, why am I getting the brunt of this?
Why am I getting screamed at and blamed and made to feel like a bad parent?
But what you have to understand is that you are your child's safe parent.
(03:44):
You know what it's like to deal with a narcissist. You know what it's like to
defend yourself, to point out their bad behaviors, all of those things.
It comes back at you tenfold and your children will begin to understand that.
And what they'll begin to understand unfortunately is it's easier just to let
things be with their other parent to keep the peace.
So when they're back in you know in your care, they're gonna let that all out, right?
(04:09):
And it's gonna be on you because they know at the end of the day you're not
gonna judge them, you're not gonna punish them, and you're still going to love them.
So all these stresses and anxiety can cause you know conflict within your own home.
So understanding how the conflict can affect your child is the first step to making things better.
It's going to help you see the difference in the efforts you're putting into
(04:32):
keeping them out of the situation as much as possible.
You're going to see changes in their behavior, sort of back to their normal,
a reduction in conflict in the home.
So knowing what to look for, these signs of stress and anxiety is going to help
you, A, A, recognize that your child is struggling and B, recognize how you
(04:55):
are making a difference in their life.
Now, if your child is to the point of being stressed and anxious that it is,
you know, impairing their life in a very negative way, it's time to talk to
a professional, go see your doctor, get a referral for therapy.
Trust me, it makes a huge difference. even after I've spent,
(05:15):
you know, 10 years trying to take control of the situation and trying to mitigate
how it affects my daughter.
She is in therapy for sort of a lot of residual anger and fear that came out of the situation.
And it's been the best thing for her. So if, you know, if you take anything
away from this, please get your child the support that they need.
(05:39):
You can only do so much. And I know that you're doing as much as you can.
That extra support is just going to make a huge difference.
And before we continue on, I just want to stop and talk about a little free
ebook that I wrote. I've probably mentioned it in other episodes.
It's called What About the Kids? Co-Parenting with Narcissist Mini Guide.
It's just a little guide to these sorts of things, how to support your child,
(06:03):
how to protect them, how to keep them out of the conflict.
Because as much effort as we put into dealing with our narcissistic exes,
you know, in order to reduce our own stress and to make the situation as easy
as possible, our children are at the center of it all.
And we need to remember that everything we do is for our kids.
(06:27):
So this little mini guide sort of pinpoints some more specific ways you can
help and support your child through the situation.
I will leave a link in the description, the episode description that you can
check out. and all you have to do is sign up and you automatically get a free copy of the book.
All right, let's get into it. How can you keep your kids out of the middle of
(06:49):
conflicted co-parenting?
So managing high conflict co-parenting demands a proactive approach to protect your children.
And a lot of it has to do with staying ahead of arguments and fights with your ex.
A lot of what I talk about when it comes to co-parenting conflict is finding
ways ways to avoid conflict,
(07:12):
trying to reduce the opportunities for your ex to start arguments and start fights and all of that.
So the first thing you can do is to set very clear boundaries with your ex.
I know that's easier said than done with somebody who is narcissistic.
Narcissists don't like respecting boundaries because they like to be the ones in control.
(07:34):
But there are ways that you can establish boundaries that your ex doesn't even
have to agree with, but that they have to follow.
And one of them is your communication boundaries.
Clearly state to your ex how you prefer to communicate and set the guideline
for the tone and frequency of messages. You can say, I will only respond to texts or emails.
(07:56):
You can say, I will not respond to you if you're going to insult me or start an argument.
And you can say, listen, I am only going to respond to you if it's about our child.
And then you can follow those rules. No court is going to tell you that you
have to talk to your ex about personal matters in your life.
No court is going to tell you that you have to respond to their insults and
(08:19):
accusations. visitations.
If you are involved in court and have a court order, it's going to say you need
to communicate in regards to your child and you can set boundaries around that.
This is also going to reduce a lot of that tension, a lot of those arguments
and keep them out of your child's life.
You can also set some visitation boundaries. If you have a court order,
(08:40):
this is going to be, you know, maybe not completely in your control,
but things like the schedule, the pick up and drop-off times the pick-up and
drop-off arrangements.
You can, you know, just write these things all out, send it to your ex,
and then this way you can avoid conflicts caused by miscommunication or misunderstanding
(09:01):
because it's all written out and it's all been agreed to.
So putting up these boundaries is sort of building a structured co-parenting framework.
It's also, And so imagine it's building a wall. I mean, these are boundaries.
It's a wall around your life and your child's life to try to keep out a lot
of the crazy that your ex is going to try to bring in.
(09:23):
So let's go back to communication for a second here, because a lot of keeping
the conflict out of your child's life is keeping them away from arguments and
blowouts between you and your ex.
And to do this, effective communication is key. And this means productive communication.
This means limiting that communication, typing over talking,
(09:45):
keeping your side of the conversation professional.
So when you're discussing something with your ex, think of it like a business deal.
You're going to want to stay cool and collected. You're just going to provide information.
You're going to take the personal stuff out of the conversation and only focus
on your child and the point of the conversation.
(10:08):
So stick to the kid-related stuff. Keep your talks all about your child.
Don't let your ex go off-topic. Ignore their ploys to go off-topic.
Ignore when they insult you. Ignore when they try to start arguments.
If they ask a question, answer it. Leave it at that.
These communication tricks, what they do is they do set the stage for a more
(10:30):
teamwork-focused co-parenting vibe.
This means that if your ex is maybe just difficult or toxic,
maybe they're just, you know, trying to get used to this new parenting situation.
By setting up this foundation, it may just change, you know,
the way you guys communicate into the future.
(10:51):
It may eliminate a lot of these conflicts over time. So it's really worth doing.
Now, if you're dealing with a narcissist, it's likely this isn't going to change
the way they're approaching co-parenting, but it does give you a bit more control
in the situation to reduce that conflict.
All right. So one of the most important things you need to do when it comes
(11:11):
to keeping your kids out of the crazy is to put their needs first.
Again, I know it's easy to get caught up in our own stresses and anxiety when
it comes comes to co-parenting with a narcissist.
But in the end, it's about what's best for our kids.
So try not to let your personal issues with your ex take the lead in how you deal with them.
(11:34):
Let, you know, let your approach be about your child.
This way of thinking is going to help you keep things smooth and avoid unnecessary fights.
So think of it this way. So your ex has made an accusation against you or insulted
you, is lying about you. And what what is your first instinct?
(11:55):
Your first instinct is going to be to defend yourself and to set them straight on what they're saying.
And I learned the hard way that when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic
co-parent, that is all pointless.
Anytime I tried to defend myself or set them straight, it just just snowballed
(12:16):
into these bigger arguments and these bigger fights and these blowouts that
would have me stressed out and upset.
And even though my daughter was quite young at the time, it certainly wasn't
a healthy environment for her as well.
So then once I realized that defending myself was useless, that it was like,
(12:36):
okay, how can I respond to him in a way that's going to not create an argument?
How am I going to respond to him in a way that's going to keep that,
all that, you know, chaos out of my daughter's life as much as possible?
And that's when I started realizing this whole limited communication thing.
Only respond to what I needed to respond to.
(13:00):
If he was going to call me names in a text message, I didn't have to reply to that.
And it's kind of neat. And this is why dealing with a narcissist is complicated.
It's a complex situation because you're dealing with a very complex person.
But let's just sidetrack for a second.
Let's say that your, you know, your ex has been texting you and you make the
(13:23):
decision that you're only going to respond to things that have to do with your
child and you're going to only respond in a way that is straightforward and business.
So different things are going to happen there. For one, you are now avoiding
a conflict and avoiding a potentially stressful situation for your child.
(13:43):
You are avoiding a potentially stressful situation for you. So those are two benefits right there.
What it's doing for you as well as the more you do that, the less what your
ex has to say is going to bother and upset you.
Over time, the more I ignored his insults, it got to the point where he would
call me a name and I would just laugh because it didn't bother me like it used to.
(14:07):
Because I understood that what he said about me didn't matter.
Now, the third benefit of this is that narcissists do this because they thrive
on the conflict, the control, the arguments, your reactions.
They love seeing you upset.
They want to upset you. They want you to get angry and fight back. It fuels them.
(14:28):
So when you take that away, you are in a way starving them.
And what may happen over time and what happened in my situation is my ex tried
less and less to upset me because he knew it wasn't worth his energy or his time.
So those are a lot of reasons why controlling your reactions and limiting your
(14:49):
communication and controlling the communication has lots of benefits across
the board, and it will benefit your children in the end.
So putting your child's needs first means making decisions that are good for them in the long run.
These could be things, like I said, trying to avoid that instinct to defend,
(15:09):
which is very, very difficult. cope.
But in the end, that's going to, you know, in the long run, that's going to benefit your kids.
You should also try to keep things consistent between both households.
I know that's hard when narcissists play by their own rules,
and there's no telling them that there's a better way to do things or that,
you know, the way they do things has a negative impact on the child. Do your best.
(15:32):
What you can do in your home is create an environment that is consistent.
So your child knows what to expect. That's, you know, has to do with schedules,
activities, discipline.
That consistency and expectation is going to help your child feel safe and secure in your home.
And when you do that, then that's when your child is going to open up about
(16:00):
their experiences and their stresses and their anxieties.
And again, they may take it out on you with meltdowns and screaming fits,
they may just, you know, open up and sort of express all their emotions.
And that's very healthy for your child. Again, we can't change what your ex
is doing, but we can make the situation better on your end, so that your child
(16:24):
can thrive and grow in a healthy environment.
I mentioned this before, I'm just going to mention it very briefly,
seeking seeking professional support, when you bring in a neutral third party.
I think I've mentioned this maybe in other episodes. I know I've talked about it on the blog.
If you can't come to agreements with your ex, you may have to bring in,
(16:46):
what are they called? Not a moderator.
I forget. A third party person. Let me look it up.
Mediation. A mediator. There we go. I got out there and start it with an M.
You can bring in a mediator to try and come up with sort of parenting time,
scheduling agreements, things like that.
(17:06):
If you really can't come to an agreement, it's, and you don't have a court order,
it's probably time to get one.
A court order is going to basically say, here are the rules and you have to
follow them. It's the law.
You might not get get everything you want, but it's going to sort of give a
framework and provide some stability for your child, some expectation again.
(17:30):
You can also do therapy. Like I said, therapy isn't just a quick fix.
And I don't want you to think that if your child's struggling a couple of sessions
is going to make everything okay.
It will help your child deal with the immediate issues, but it's also going
to help them deal with issues down the road and sort of build a resiliency resiliency
against their other parent.
(17:51):
A therapist could be good for you as well. They could help you try to figure
out how to co-parent, depending on your specific and unique situation,
help you work through your feelings about what's going on, how it's affected you.
Again, I highly advocate for therapy. I know it's not, you know,
(18:11):
the most affordable service. service, you can speak to your doctor.
Sometimes therapists will offer low-cost therapy when they have practicum students
working in their clinic.
There might be some free support groups in your area.
Don't shy away from it because it's a money thing. There are always ways that
(18:32):
you can get your child the mental health help that they deserve.
All right. The last thing I'm going to talk about.
When it comes to sort of keeping your child out of the conflict,
is using a co-parenting app.
And I'm going to drop a link in the show notes for our family wizard.
(18:53):
If you click on that link, it is an affiliate link.
So there is, they do offer a free trial. If you do sign up through that link,
I do get a commission and that's at no extra cost to you.
So what our family wizard is, is. It's a co-parenting app designed just specifically
for these situations where you cannot communicate with your ex.
(19:15):
You can't come to an agreement with your ex and things are spiraling out of control.
It provides one place to communicate. So instead of texting and emailing and
calling and all of that, it's one app.
It gives you a central spot to send messages.
And this way you can keep all those messages because having your communication
(19:35):
in written form is also useful in case you do need to go to court.
That can all be submitted as evidence.
It also has a calendar, a shared calendar, so that you can, you know,
put in the parenting times, any events, activities, and keep everybody on the
same page when it comes to that.
(19:56):
The app is neutral. So it is designed to discourage arguments that can turn
into full-blown conflicts.
So it'll help you reduce the drama and focus on more of the practical stuff.
And again, every chat, every shared piece of information creates a digital paper trail.
(20:17):
And that's super handy if you need to hold your ex accountable or if you plan
on taking them to court to have a court order issued.
So there you go. So these are all ways you can keep your child out of the conflict.
Number one is setting up those boundaries, limiting the communication so that
you can limit the conflict so it doesn't happen in the first place.
(20:39):
Then you're going to give your child a stable and reliable home where they feel safe.
And then if you need to take it to the next level, you can get the co-parenting app.
You can go get the court order so that that everybody is held accountable,
and that everybody is on the same page as to how the co-parenting arrangements will go.
(21:01):
Just another couple little things I do want to mention, because I know these
are things that we all sit here and say, oh, I would never do that, but I've done it.
You've probably done it. It's easy to do.
Don't badmouth your ex in front of your child, even if it seems innocent,
even if it's a small complaint.
I know you're not doing it to sort of negatively affect your child if you are
(21:25):
doing it. I know it's not being done to alienate your child from their other parent.
Sometimes it just happens in moments of frustration. We just let it out.
And that's not healthy or helpful for your child as well. So keep those things to yourself.
Write in a journal if you have to.
Or wait until your child's not around and vent to a friend.
(21:48):
Get it all out. Don't keep it in. get it out, but just don't get it out in front
of your child. And again, therapy is a perfect option.
If you feel like you are losing control of the situation, if you feel like the
stress and anxiety is starting to impact your life, please, please,
please, please look into getting the help that you and your child need.
(22:09):
I know you're doing everything you can to, you know, handle the the situation on your own.
But again, it's a complicated and complex situation.
There's, I've written the book, but even still, you know, every situation is unique.
And I think it would be beneficial to have somebody right there by your side
(22:29):
who can help guide you through it.
And if you are looking for a free option for that, I do have a Facebook support
group, specifically for parents who are trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex.
It's a great place where I share some, you know, some other advice.
People can ask questions if you're confused or you need help with a unique situation
(22:53):
you're in, you can post there for some insight.
And as always, that link will be in the show notes for you to check out.
Anyway, I'm sorry I disappeared for so long, but I am back and I'm going to
try to keep posting these episodes on on a regular basis.
But, you know, until the next one, feel free to come visit me on the blog.
(23:14):
Come visit that support group, come join the support group. Let's have a conversation.
And I will be talking to you in the next episode.
Music.
The advice provided in this podcast is not legal advice. Please consult with
a qualified professional for personalized guidance.
(23:34):
The terms narcissism and narcissists are used to refer to behaviors and tendencies
of an individual, not as an official diagnosis.
Music provided by Upbeat is free for creators.
Music.
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