February 11, 2024 • 32 mins
Join us as we delve into the subject of celebrating Valentine's Day while being single. With engaging banter and refreshing frankness, we debunk the clichéd narrative that Valentine's Day is a 'single woman problem', while discussing the importance of self-loving, embracing personal growth, and the joyful aspects of singlehood.
From the AI writer -
The discourse emphasizes recognizing and celebrating love in all its forms beyond the standard romantic perspective, inclusive of familial bonds, friendships, and personal well-being. Personal anecdotes colour the dialogue, featuring tales of failed Valentine's surprises, revisiting past Valentine's Day memories, and even an unconventional proposal story. The episode sends a strong message of self-sufficiency and underscores resilience, encouraging listeners to view life's obstacles not as setbacks but opportunities for growth.
Diving deeper into personal experiences, pressing topics such as divorce, self-discovery, and the powerful choice of joy are explored; valuing each as integral in reframing our perception of life and our place in it.
In sharing their intimate life experiences, the participants shed light on struggles, toxicity, and their paths to peace after divorce. Discussions also touch on lesser talked about facets of divorce like loneliness, grief, and the quest for intimacy. This episode works to illuminate the painful yet necessary journey of mourning a failing relationship, yet holding onto hope.
As the theme converges on Valentine's Day, it ventures to challenge societal norms around relationships and the importance of celebrating love, not just on one designated day but in varied forms and throughout the year. Each speaker's candid account serves as a source of inspiration and a beacon of resilience for those grappling with similar experiences.
The episode's conclusion is as uplifting as it is profound, promoting joy in life's small moments, the bond of family, and the making of cherished memories. This episode, fundamentally, is a deep dive into the themes of struggle, resilience, and transformation, offering listeners refreshing insights, heartfelt stories, and shared experiences. Listen in and join us as we dismantle societal norms, bare our souls, and rise stronger amidst adversity.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, ladies, so today we're talking about what are your plans for Valentine's Day when you're,
single, not married. Is this a single woman problem? Not for me. Okay, all right.
But for some, they feel like it. It's not a single woman problem.
(00:51):
It's a anti-problem that you may not be feeling that way depending on where
you are in your Your whole single hood.
If you walk into every store and there are hearts and cards and all that,
it tends to be a little rubbing.
See, and for me this year, it's not. But it's okay. But it's going to be what you make of it.
(01:15):
Yeah. So I'm looking forward to buying my own candy and flowers.
I buy my own flowers every week anyway for my house. and you know I have a dream
of one day dating someone who actually wants to send me flowers,
old-fashioned I'm a little romantic kind of person I dated a guy who told me
he doesn't even send his mother flowers I was like well check you're off the list anyway.
(01:42):
That's not working for me buddy so I'm
gonna buy my own candy and flowers and I'm looking forward to it and
i see all of the valentine stuff and i still
think of my kids first i do too but i
think because i spent so much time in my
marriage in such an unromantic space because
of the addiction all of that yeah then i tried that all of those became focused
(02:09):
more on my kids than it did necessarily on my partner so i still look at a lot
and valentine's is very close to my birthday day.
So to me, Valentine's is also like just y'all didn't know it,
but it's kind of just a celebration of me getting ready.
It's all about me. We love you, Bonnie.
So, you know, so I guess I, you know, have not in this, like I've said before,
(02:34):
I'm, I'm, I'm loving this time with myself and reaching out to spend more time with friends.
I think it's a great time. So are you saying you want to spend Galentine's with
me? Yes, Deb. Can we spend Galentine's together? Okay. We'll do something fun.
It won't be like the meme I sent you.
(02:55):
Okay, good. But Lauren, we have a friend in common on Facebook who talks about
going to some new place over in Madison.
And she said late Galentine's. And I was like, yes, let's have Galentine's things.
Oh, it's like a. Yeah, Galentine's things all month.
Why don't let's just celebrate a throwback bar, right? Yeah.
Or it was some kind of, I want to say tea house, but it's not a tea house. No, it's not.
(03:20):
It's like, I saw that too and I can't remember. Yeah.
Anyway, just somewhere else fun. It's like, okay, why shouldn't,
if you do not have a romantic partner, why can't the month of February be about
celebrating the people in your life that you love, your friends,
your family, your kids, you know what I mean?
The kids and I, when they were growing up, when it came time for Valentine's,
(03:42):
we would make heart-shaped pizza.
It was make-your-own-pizza night. I got all of the things.
We made the heart-shaped crust, and then they decorated the pizzas that way.
Everybody ate their own part.
There's things that you can do to celebrate that don't cost a ton of money,
and it'll help them just sort of put the attention off of the lack of a significant other.
(04:07):
Right and i think the first couple
of years and i don't know if it was like this
for everybody or maybe our listeners or whatever when
you get divorced there's so much emphasis on i am no longer part of a couple
yes and like i couldn't even watch your romaine ron comps i couldn't even watch
(04:28):
anything hallmark i couldn't have to listen to music pierced my heart like i don't have that Well,
instead of doing that now that I'm seven years out, I'm like, well, I can't say that on,
on this podcast but I'm like okay forget that and now
I'm just finding things that I
(04:48):
enjoy that I want to do because in my
marriage there were struggles with what are we going to do to celebrate
we didn't always celebrate things and
it was always like I want to do this can we do this no
so now I'm like I get to choose exactly what I want to do and this is how I
want to spend my time for valentine's day and if i want to stuff myself with
(05:11):
a box of candy which i'm not a huge chocolate thing but man do i love candy
hearts and gummy candy i love those gummy heart things.
That just junky candy i love that and i love flowers all the time i'm a huge
cut flower person so i just when i got divorced i just said you know what i'm
(05:32):
gonna be my own best friend And I'm going to get things that make me feel good and special.
And if I want fresh flowers in my house every week, by golly, I'm going to have them.
And just because you were married
or coupled on Valentine's Day previously doesn't mean they were happy.
No. No, I have a slew of them that were not happy. I can remember struggling
(05:54):
so hard to pick out cards that said anything that I felt.
Like i love you because i have to or as we have a child together i feel like
i always have those cards we're like well we've been through some tough time
you know here's hoping okay i'm gonna tell y'all here's a bad family ties memory.
(06:21):
Because if you hear this, then anything that you do on Valentine's is going to be great.
So the Valentine's after I had my youngest child, when I found out that my husband
had, I had a baby, he had a girlfriend.
Which was only about a week after you had your child. Oh, it was.
Yeah, it was the same week I had my child.
My child is also born around Valentine's Day.
(06:43):
So we were sitting at the table and I kind of did not know yet that he actually
had a girlfriend. friend.
He had not said that.
So I had done the Valentine's dinner and had a heart-shaped cake for my kids.
And my baby was dressed head to toe in Valentine's sweetness.
(07:03):
And my other child had a Valentine's t-shirt on.
And I had my mom Valentine's head to toe gear on. And I had cooked this big spread.
And at the end of the dinner, my ex slid this envelope across my my stainless
steel table and it landed at my place. I was like, he got me a card.
(07:24):
How special is that? So I look at the card. There's nothing on the envelope. Nothing.
But it is pink envelope. And I opened it and I opened the car.
Nothing. It's a blank card. Like you went in the store. I picked it out.
Stuck in an envelope. I was like, that's it. Two days later, I got a receipt.
(07:49):
From our joint account that said $400 gift certificate to the Blue Canyon Spa in Franklin.
And I was like, he just forgot to put it in there.
Held to the no. That went to the girlfriend. Oh, Beth.
But did she get to use it?
(08:10):
No, she didn't get to use it because I called and said, I think this gift certificate
must have been lost and we need to cancel it.
Can you refund my joint account credit card?
What a shocker for the little thing. when she went to get her,
(08:30):
well, I won't even tell you what I called it, but anyway.
So do you think of that as your Valentine's Day, or have you been able to rewrite
some Valentine's memories on top of it? If you have that memory, anything you do.
It's going to be better than that. It's so much better than that Valentine's memory.
So yeah, so that's like the low point, and anything else is the high point.
(08:54):
So there you go. That's true. Happy Valentine's to me.
So my my ex-husband used to always forget
to make reservations like in advance for
anything so we often celebrated valentine's day on the 13th and that's when
(09:15):
you can get a reservation it's not really like he that was he proposed to me
on the 13th of february because it had kind of become a so the 14th they said
it's not for me at all i'm good,
so i'm wondering if that tradition continues yeah,
(09:37):
um that's so funny yeah but i think like call in listeners,
we're taking applications going back to what you said a minute ago though like i like,
So Valentine's Day is a specific like love day, obviously.
(09:58):
But I think it's always important to make sure that you are celebrating not
just the person in your life, but your friends and your family.
Like that, that's such an important thing. Well, love, love is not just romantic.
No, no. You've got being loving as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend.
You've got so many other ways that you can express love. and even though it
(10:19):
was supposed to be a romantic love on that day, you can make yourself feel better
by choosing a different branch of the love family and heading out on that one.
How about choosing yourself?
Oh, yeah. I had to climb out of all that and choose myself.
I am worthy of someone sending me flowers. I am worthy of somebody sending me a card.
I'm worthy of myself doing those things for myself.
(10:42):
I just think it's, okay, here's the sarcastic me.
Me it's become so commercial that do
people just rotely do that or do
they genuinely express love on that day yeah
that is my question because i would
rather spend time with people who have shown me by their actions that they want
(11:03):
to spend time with me who have truly loved me and been concerned about me throughout
the year do you know what i'm saying i think it's important i think I think
maybe that's just because I'm an old lady and I'm, you know, one foot in the grave.
But I, well, I really do cherish my friends and the time that I have with my
(11:24):
friends and how I spend that time with my friends.
Well, I think that's a gift we have all been given by divorce.
I think that's something I think all three of us can say is upon reflection
on this other side, we understand the value of people who care about us truly.
We understand the value of time because it's
(11:45):
so much more precious when we're when we're sprayed
so much more thin that's true you know i
don't mean to take a negative turn but i'm going to say this
so even though i value like everybody that i care about everybody who care about
cares about me like i have a wonderful community again i have a solid relationship
i have a wonderful son that i love like i have a great family i i am great but
(12:09):
also there's a a little bit about me,
that if all of that went away, I would figure it out.
You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I would be like, okay, okay.
Is that just, is that what that is? You're the survivor.
I would just like, I would go figure out what the next step was and move or
whatever. But I think we all three are.
And I think that's why we can do this and sit here and talk about it.
(12:31):
Because we've had some really tough times. We've had to figure it out.
We've all had a little trauma or maybe a lot of trauma. Yeah.
And we're all not just mired down in it. Like, I can laugh about that. Yeah. That experience.
No, I agree. But we've all come up on the other side, maybe at different times
(12:53):
and in different places.
But we all have retained our sense of self, our ability to love other people
and to be loved by other people.
We're not bitter. We're not mean. We don't put out anything that's like super
like, oh, divorce sucks.
You know, we don't sit here and talk like that. But we all can celebrate and
(13:18):
see the good things and even the bad things that turned out that looked terrible
at the time turned out to be good things and good for us on the other side.
Like everything got sifted and it's a
lot more clear like oh yeah
this is where i'm supposed to be i think we would all sit here and
(13:38):
agree to say i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be right now and i'm happy i
mean i have bad days but well and bad things happen i said you get you can overcome
all those things and you have a sense of joy in you that's a mind that nobody
can take away that little spark.
I said this to my musical theater class today that like as a performer you have
(14:02):
to make sure that you can figure out how to trick your way around days that
you're not a hundred percent, but we have to do that in life too.
Yeah, right like we don't it's very rare It's very rare that I wake up and I'm
like I'm a hundred percent today, right?
I mean do y'all feel like that? Yeah, well if I wake up at noon.
Wow. Last Sunday, I can tell you last Sunday, I woke up and I was like,
(14:28):
whoa, 100%. And I was all day. I was like, I'm 100% Lauren.
Like all day long. It was, I had crazy energy. I couldn't tell you what that was about.
But, but it's not, I mean, like we hover depending on what our day's been like,
or, you know, what our sleep's been like. What are things like if we have allergies
(14:49):
or like what the weather is like in the winter or whatnot.
So you just, you have to trick it. You got to fake it till you make it.
Well, but I think you choose who you are and how you not just present to the
world, but how you present to yourself.
You choose the person that you are, that you were essentially made to be. be.
(15:11):
Like I did, I actually did a prayer this morning.
I've had a couple of weird nights and weird sleep patterns and weird dreams
and said, you know, just get me back to the original person that you wanted
me to be and show me what I need to be doing.
Because I think if you lose that perspective and you don't choose to be your
(15:34):
authentic self, you're miserable.
And all those those things, all those life things can get you down to the point that you can't.
It's harder to get back up. I think if you choose joy and you choose to be true
to yourself, no matter what that costs you, being true to myself costs me a marriage.
It costs me financial security.
(15:57):
It costs me some friends.
It costs me some couple friends. It costs me some opportunities.
But in In the end, I'm much happier where I am.
I miss my old town. I miss my friends in my old town.
But I love my hometown and I love my friends here and I love my life here.
(16:23):
But it was a huge choice to choose what I would accept in my life and how I
would be treated and what I expected from myself as a mom,
as a woman, as a wife or ex-wife.
You can choose joy. You can choose love. You can choose to express yourself
(16:45):
in a lovely way instead of dwelling on all the bad things that come with divorce.
I think all three of us have that sort of, I don't know, Pollyanna spark.
I think there are some people who get stuck in the struggle,
in the bitterness and the anger, and they just can't find their way out.
(17:07):
And it's just once you get the taste of
what i think i think all three of us can say once we
got that taste of peace once we
once we are able to we experience the peace
of being outside of the talk it was so easy to let go of any anger because everything
was worth keeping the peace do you know what i mean and so i think that if you
(17:30):
i don't know it's almost like that toxic part was a blessing too to be able
to get here because we'd all been in such such fabulous, happy places.
And then all of a sudden we're blindsided. It might be harder,
but it was so easy to let go of something because the exchange for that peace
in life and to be able to come home and breathe instead of hold your breath is everything.
(17:53):
That was big for me too. Yeah.
And I had a little bit of that at the first part of my divorce when he actually
moved out, But I had a huge wave of peace wash over me when I moved and physically
got out of the situation.
But I think, you know, I think a lot of people.
Deal with i mean it's hard to get divorced because
(18:16):
it's a huge change it change scares people
and change is scary yeah it's a huge change well
and i think and there's three of us i think bad situations because
it felt easier than well and the person who generally
the person who like decides and i
think all of us are the ones who decided that we're gonna do
it that person's already grieved it and so
(18:39):
it can be really upsetting to the other person when
that happens if they don't know it's coming or they haven't
you know well i think women
to some extent do that like i i it took me years to decide to do that i went
through every emotion and when i decided it it was decided because i had spent
(18:59):
all that time figuring out if that's what i wanted well you know I describe
mine as sort of a, this is not disrespectful,
but like a slow cancer death. Yeah.
Like I had watched my marriage go through a slow cancer death over 10 years.
By the time I decided I can't do this anymore, this is sucking the life out
(19:20):
of me and I am not myself and I owe it to myself and to my kids to be the best person that I can be.
That is the only choice that that's left in my arsenal that I did for 10 years.
I think, you know, it was that I had done the grief process over 10 years.
And I think you did it too, Bonnie. I did.
(19:42):
You grieve it and you grab at everything that could be a possibility.
And you try everything. What is it?
Toxic positivity. Oh, I got a save the marriage.
Yeah. During COVID. i bought a save the
marriage dog i thought this will be a dog
(20:02):
will help it did y'all do hysterical bonding yep oh
i did yep sex had
never been better yeah it's true
it's true it's a thing but i
mean well you try and fix any area you have control over
yeah i can do that i can make that at work i
can clean the house more i can cook dinner more
(20:24):
i can you know show more affection in more
ways i care there you know it's crazy
but that will wear you down too doing all those what
i would like to call is the last ditch efforts and
there's an s on the end of that because i went through the game yes life support
yeah it is and that's yeah but i just a lot of A lot of women don't get divorced
(20:48):
because they don't have the vision that my life could be better or I could feel peace.
They feel like I have time served.
This is not this. I'm going to make my vision work.
Yeah. You know, there are all those excuses that you can't see.
I made a commitment before God. Exactly.
(21:09):
It's a vow. It's a covenant. It's a sacrament. It's a sacrament.
All of that. But in the end, all those things are good vows and sacraments.
It's a covenant, but that takes, it's a contract and it takes two parties to make the contract work.
If only one person is given 110% and the other person does not care or is given
(21:31):
10% or in my case, given just enough to keep it going, that is not a marriage.
That is not a contract. That is not a workable.
Nobody in business would take that as a business model.
That's true. nobody in business would do business with somebody
that gave nothing or 10 to 30 percent so
that is not a partnership but with me
(21:53):
I don't think I got to the point where I
was still terrified and I still couldn't really vision envision
what it would be like on the other side I still couldn't really
see how things could be better I
just knew they couldn't be worse and that's you
know nobody hit the bottom enough time it was enough it
was enough to say i can live in a teeny tiny place
(22:15):
if i have to i just have to see if it
can be better than this oh that's exactly
what i said i said i could live anywhere i can
eat government cheese i can do a
lot of things but i have to save these two kids
when four eyeballs look at you like how
are you gonna fix this that's a huge
(22:37):
wake-up call and that's what I had and I thought I well
for me it was I can't keep everybody safe because
mine was an alcoholic it was how do I keep how
do I keep them safe how do I continue to keep
them safe how do I get them out of this where they
you know anyway it just well on a certain level mine was
safe but it was more of a security how
(22:59):
do they feel secure how do they feel like they're not.
Getting thrown off a cliff when I felt like I
was getting thrown off a cliff of how do I make that them feel like they're
in a safe space with me and you know marriage my marriage was just not going
to make it yeah well and we all wanted something good I yeah it got to a point
(23:21):
for me that I just and I hung on for so long but I felt,
other than like the other things that happened, like the things that happened
aside, I felt lonelier in my marriage than I have ever felt in my life.
I felt that. I felt very alone in my marriage. Yeah. Much more than like any
(23:41):
night that my child rolled off.
Yeah. Or I was lonely. I felt much more lonely in my marriage than I do outside my marriage.
So, yeah, that was. I don't feel any less lonely now. Now, I'm alone.
But do you feel lonely? But I don't feel. But do you feel as lonely,
(24:02):
like desperately lonely?
That's how I describe mine. I felt desperately lonely.
I wanted someone to talk to me. I wanted someone to physically touch me.
I think I did tell you that I got to a point that I realized for physical contact,
I was paying my massage therapist. Well, I think.
(24:23):
You know what I'm saying? it was like any small
kind gesture i was in tears yes because
i had not had that in my marriage conversation oh
conversation both of those conversation yeah yeah but i
think i think part of this withdrawals i think that after you've kind of because
you at least even though you were married and it was terrible you've had sex
you know what i mean some of that so you still had some of that i think for
(24:47):
me it was the withdrawal of that physical closeness with someone of someone
someone who was supposed to be a partner,
the intimacy of having someone in the same bed with me, it was that physical withdrawal.
And it took a few years. That's what the loneliness stemmed from.
It was the absence of that intimacy.
But I'm finally over it. I mean, if it ever comes around again, that's great.
(25:11):
But I no longer really, I don't really crave it.
I'm finally to a place where I can say, the Lord can tell me what he wants me
to do, point me in the right right direction.
I am good to go, but I'm not out
there trying to decide for myself in what direction I'm supposed to go in.
(25:31):
I'm kind of at that. I can be, I can be alone. I'm happy being by myself.
Would I eventually like someone? Yes, that would be great. But this is another
thing. I'm not going to settle.
I'm finally to the place where I'm going. I've had crumbs before.
I will settle for a filet mignon, but I'm not settling for crumbs.
(25:52):
It's not going to happen. It's like, yeah, it's like, I finally,
I will not, I will not settle just to experience intimacy.
No, no, no. You know, I'm like, Like, that's not hunger.
Well, I'm not going to settle for a box of chocolates. But you can do that.
Yeah. Without having to commit.
But it's true. But I'm not going to settle so that I can celebrate a national
(26:14):
holiday with a box of chocolates and a card from somebody. No.
I'm not doing it. I feel like, so I'm in a relationship, but I have been.
Like, I haven't really had much of a lull in that.
Two months. I think there were two months that I wasn't. in a relationship after
my divorce which it just happened that way i don't i didn't really plan it but
(26:36):
but i think that sometimes just going back to like partnerships or.
Relationships that after you've been married people don't take it as seriously
that you're in a relationship unless you're married again does that make sense
do you know what i'm saying In serious, what do you mean?
(26:57):
Like, as you, as a couple?
Yeah, like not as validating or something. Especially my, especially family.
They like, I guess they just want to see you married again. I don't know.
This is new territory for me.
So every time. I think it's kind of like, okay, when I first moved to this town,
no one said anything to me.
No one had anything to say to me because I wasn't from here. I didn't go to Auburn.
(27:22):
There was no reason for them to get to know me at all until I got engaged.
And then all of a sudden I was worth speaking to.
It's like, oh, I guess you're a keeper. You'll be moving into our community.
I guess I got to get to know you. Like, it's just the strangest thing.
But I think it's what it is with family is okay we
don't really have to embrace this or get
(27:42):
to know him until we know he's a keeper forever i think that's what
it is i don't think it's you i think it's the whole like
mindset uh we're not gonna be serious about him enough that we yeah yeah when
we know this is a permanent situation then we're 100 in but until then great
bring him around if you want to yeah you know whatever you know i mean i think
(28:05):
that's probably what it is which is interesting because Because I don't remember that.
I mean, you know, I had not dated in...
Well, and when you dated before, you didn't date here. That's true.
That's true. You dated in a completely different way. And lived next door to your mama.
Oh, that's true. I do.
(28:26):
I do live next door to my mother. You weren't in close proximity.
So it may also be your family allowing you to have boundaries.
That's true. You know, with them and your partner. Because when you first started
dating, you really established some, hey, hey, hey.
Boundary here we're not ready for this whole
family you can't so it may just be a lot of respect also for you and that you
(28:50):
have a partner now and they're going to respect whatever boundaries you have
put forth about okay we're gonna let her decide when we cross all that i don't
think it's that no save that we'll save that for later that's the poly.
Well,
(29:14):
back to Valentine's. I think if you have a partner, that's great.
Celebrate it. If you have friends, celebrate them.
I think it's great that you can have a Galentine's.
I think that's great that that's a thing. I think it's come along at the perfect
time in my life that that's a thing.
And, you know, if you want to be by yourself on Valentine's,
(29:37):
that's funny, too. A big old bubble bath, get you a drink.
Oh, I'm going to do all that. I think last year, I'm trying to remember,
but I think last year on Valentine's Day, I had my son.
So my son and I went to dinner. I think I took my son to dinner the last two years.
I think my son and I took my daughter, yeah. My boyfriend and I will celebrate
(29:59):
a different time. It's not...
It doesn't have to be so narrow, I guess. It's not like it's Christmas.
No. It doesn't really even have to be celebrated, if we're all going to be honest.
It doesn't. You know, it's just another day.
Well, I will say. You could watch a slasher film. I do miss making. It's bloody.
You remember me? Hearts make blood. Hearts make blood.
(30:22):
Do you remember that making your own Valentine's box so people could go and
put your own time in school?
My favorite. I miss that. My favorite one with my daughter. She made a purple
shark. It was awesome. That's so cute.
We actually had a little mailbox.
My daughter was little. And she decorated. It was the cutest thing I've ever
(30:43):
seen. I miss those little cutesy things.
I don't know if they have to do it. My son made like an Alice in Wonderland
themed one where we decorated it with like playing cards all over it.
It lasted a couple years, but I don't know. I'd love to squint a heart's face.
Yeah. Yeah, I miss it. I miss it. That's a good one.
(31:08):
That's your little tiny Valentine. Yeah. My little puppy is in my lap.
So, all right.
Well, what are we doing this week? Do y'all have Valentine's plans?
I don't think any of us have actually made. My partner's having surgery this coming week.
So in-home Valentine's Day. So, yeah, it'll be a stay-at-home situation most likely.
(31:32):
Yeah. That's okay, though. That's how we like it anyway, usually.
But I have a fun weekend coming up this weekend. I have my friend's birthday. She's turning 30.
And then your son's. Yeah, we have an engagement party.
It's happening. We have an engagement party. Yeah. I have my daughter's birthday.
(31:52):
And then shortly after, Bonnie's birthday.
That's in the next chapter. What's your birthday? Which date is it? Are you allowed to say?
Oh, I got it. I got it. Ah, I know. And you all do not.
Well, yeah. Well, we should really plan to have your daughter and my son,
(32:13):
we can all do something together. That sounds good.
Make stuff or do something. That sounds good.
That sounds good. All right. right well y'all have the best week happy happy
valentine's yes oh mine makes good thank y'all for joining us for champagne sunday see you next week.
(32:36):
Music.
Music.
(00:29):
Okay, ladies, so today we're talking about what are your plans for Valentine's Day when you're,
single, not married. Is this a single woman problem? Not for me. Okay, all right.
But for some, they feel like it. It's not a single woman problem.
(00:51):
It's a anti-problem that you may not be feeling that way depending on where
you are in your Your whole single hood.
If you walk into every store and there are hearts and cards and all that,
it tends to be a little rubbing.
See, and for me this year, it's not. But it's okay. But it's going to be what you make of it.
(01:15):
Yeah. So I'm looking forward to buying my own candy and flowers.
I buy my own flowers every week anyway for my house. and you know I have a dream
of one day dating someone who actually wants to send me flowers,
old-fashioned I'm a little romantic kind of person I dated a guy who told me
he doesn't even send his mother flowers I was like well check you're off the list anyway.
(01:42):
That's not working for me buddy so I'm
gonna buy my own candy and flowers and I'm looking forward to it and
i see all of the valentine stuff and i still
think of my kids first i do too but i
think because i spent so much time in my
marriage in such an unromantic space because
of the addiction all of that yeah then i tried that all of those became focused
(02:09):
more on my kids than it did necessarily on my partner so i still look at a lot
and valentine's is very close to my birthday day.
So to me, Valentine's is also like just y'all didn't know it,
but it's kind of just a celebration of me getting ready.
It's all about me. We love you, Bonnie.
So, you know, so I guess I, you know, have not in this, like I've said before,
(02:34):
I'm, I'm, I'm loving this time with myself and reaching out to spend more time with friends.
I think it's a great time. So are you saying you want to spend Galentine's with
me? Yes, Deb. Can we spend Galentine's together? Okay. We'll do something fun.
It won't be like the meme I sent you.
(02:55):
Okay, good. But Lauren, we have a friend in common on Facebook who talks about
going to some new place over in Madison.
And she said late Galentine's. And I was like, yes, let's have Galentine's things.
Oh, it's like a. Yeah, Galentine's things all month.
Why don't let's just celebrate a throwback bar, right? Yeah.
Or it was some kind of, I want to say tea house, but it's not a tea house. No, it's not.
(03:20):
It's like, I saw that too and I can't remember. Yeah.
Anyway, just somewhere else fun. It's like, okay, why shouldn't,
if you do not have a romantic partner, why can't the month of February be about
celebrating the people in your life that you love, your friends,
your family, your kids, you know what I mean?
The kids and I, when they were growing up, when it came time for Valentine's,
(03:42):
we would make heart-shaped pizza.
It was make-your-own-pizza night. I got all of the things.
We made the heart-shaped crust, and then they decorated the pizzas that way.
Everybody ate their own part.
There's things that you can do to celebrate that don't cost a ton of money,
and it'll help them just sort of put the attention off of the lack of a significant other.
(04:07):
Right and i think the first couple
of years and i don't know if it was like this
for everybody or maybe our listeners or whatever when
you get divorced there's so much emphasis on i am no longer part of a couple
yes and like i couldn't even watch your romaine ron comps i couldn't even watch
(04:28):
anything hallmark i couldn't have to listen to music pierced my heart like i don't have that Well,
instead of doing that now that I'm seven years out, I'm like, well, I can't say that on,
on this podcast but I'm like okay forget that and now
I'm just finding things that I
(04:48):
enjoy that I want to do because in my
marriage there were struggles with what are we going to do to celebrate
we didn't always celebrate things and
it was always like I want to do this can we do this no
so now I'm like I get to choose exactly what I want to do and this is how I
want to spend my time for valentine's day and if i want to stuff myself with
(05:11):
a box of candy which i'm not a huge chocolate thing but man do i love candy
hearts and gummy candy i love those gummy heart things.
That just junky candy i love that and i love flowers all the time i'm a huge
cut flower person so i just when i got divorced i just said you know what i'm
(05:32):
gonna be my own best friend And I'm going to get things that make me feel good and special.
And if I want fresh flowers in my house every week, by golly, I'm going to have them.
And just because you were married
or coupled on Valentine's Day previously doesn't mean they were happy.
No. No, I have a slew of them that were not happy. I can remember struggling
(05:54):
so hard to pick out cards that said anything that I felt.
Like i love you because i have to or as we have a child together i feel like
i always have those cards we're like well we've been through some tough time
you know here's hoping okay i'm gonna tell y'all here's a bad family ties memory.
(06:21):
Because if you hear this, then anything that you do on Valentine's is going to be great.
So the Valentine's after I had my youngest child, when I found out that my husband
had, I had a baby, he had a girlfriend.
Which was only about a week after you had your child. Oh, it was.
Yeah, it was the same week I had my child.
My child is also born around Valentine's Day.
(06:43):
So we were sitting at the table and I kind of did not know yet that he actually
had a girlfriend. friend.
He had not said that.
So I had done the Valentine's dinner and had a heart-shaped cake for my kids.
And my baby was dressed head to toe in Valentine's sweetness.
(07:03):
And my other child had a Valentine's t-shirt on.
And I had my mom Valentine's head to toe gear on. And I had cooked this big spread.
And at the end of the dinner, my ex slid this envelope across my my stainless
steel table and it landed at my place. I was like, he got me a card.
(07:24):
How special is that? So I look at the card. There's nothing on the envelope. Nothing.
But it is pink envelope. And I opened it and I opened the car.
Nothing. It's a blank card. Like you went in the store. I picked it out.
Stuck in an envelope. I was like, that's it. Two days later, I got a receipt.
(07:49):
From our joint account that said $400 gift certificate to the Blue Canyon Spa in Franklin.
And I was like, he just forgot to put it in there.
Held to the no. That went to the girlfriend. Oh, Beth.
But did she get to use it?
(08:10):
No, she didn't get to use it because I called and said, I think this gift certificate
must have been lost and we need to cancel it.
Can you refund my joint account credit card?
What a shocker for the little thing. when she went to get her,
(08:30):
well, I won't even tell you what I called it, but anyway.
So do you think of that as your Valentine's Day, or have you been able to rewrite
some Valentine's memories on top of it? If you have that memory, anything you do.
It's going to be better than that. It's so much better than that Valentine's memory.
So yeah, so that's like the low point, and anything else is the high point.
(08:54):
So there you go. That's true. Happy Valentine's to me.
So my my ex-husband used to always forget
to make reservations like in advance for
anything so we often celebrated valentine's day on the 13th and that's when
(09:15):
you can get a reservation it's not really like he that was he proposed to me
on the 13th of february because it had kind of become a so the 14th they said
it's not for me at all i'm good,
so i'm wondering if that tradition continues yeah,
(09:37):
um that's so funny yeah but i think like call in listeners,
we're taking applications going back to what you said a minute ago though like i like,
So Valentine's Day is a specific like love day, obviously.
(09:58):
But I think it's always important to make sure that you are celebrating not
just the person in your life, but your friends and your family.
Like that, that's such an important thing. Well, love, love is not just romantic.
No, no. You've got being loving as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend.
You've got so many other ways that you can express love. and even though it
(10:19):
was supposed to be a romantic love on that day, you can make yourself feel better
by choosing a different branch of the love family and heading out on that one.
How about choosing yourself?
Oh, yeah. I had to climb out of all that and choose myself.
I am worthy of someone sending me flowers. I am worthy of somebody sending me a card.
I'm worthy of myself doing those things for myself.
(10:42):
I just think it's, okay, here's the sarcastic me.
Me it's become so commercial that do
people just rotely do that or do
they genuinely express love on that day yeah
that is my question because i would
rather spend time with people who have shown me by their actions that they want
(11:03):
to spend time with me who have truly loved me and been concerned about me throughout
the year do you know what i'm saying i think it's important i think I think
maybe that's just because I'm an old lady and I'm, you know, one foot in the grave.
But I, well, I really do cherish my friends and the time that I have with my
(11:24):
friends and how I spend that time with my friends.
Well, I think that's a gift we have all been given by divorce.
I think that's something I think all three of us can say is upon reflection
on this other side, we understand the value of people who care about us truly.
We understand the value of time because it's
(11:45):
so much more precious when we're when we're sprayed
so much more thin that's true you know i
don't mean to take a negative turn but i'm going to say this
so even though i value like everybody that i care about everybody who care about
cares about me like i have a wonderful community again i have a solid relationship
i have a wonderful son that i love like i have a great family i i am great but
(12:09):
also there's a a little bit about me,
that if all of that went away, I would figure it out.
You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I would be like, okay, okay.
Is that just, is that what that is? You're the survivor.
I would just like, I would go figure out what the next step was and move or
whatever. But I think we all three are.
And I think that's why we can do this and sit here and talk about it.
(12:31):
Because we've had some really tough times. We've had to figure it out.
We've all had a little trauma or maybe a lot of trauma. Yeah.
And we're all not just mired down in it. Like, I can laugh about that. Yeah. That experience.
No, I agree. But we've all come up on the other side, maybe at different times
(12:53):
and in different places.
But we all have retained our sense of self, our ability to love other people
and to be loved by other people.
We're not bitter. We're not mean. We don't put out anything that's like super
like, oh, divorce sucks.
You know, we don't sit here and talk like that. But we all can celebrate and
(13:18):
see the good things and even the bad things that turned out that looked terrible
at the time turned out to be good things and good for us on the other side.
Like everything got sifted and it's a
lot more clear like oh yeah
this is where i'm supposed to be i think we would all sit here and
(13:38):
agree to say i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be right now and i'm happy i
mean i have bad days but well and bad things happen i said you get you can overcome
all those things and you have a sense of joy in you that's a mind that nobody
can take away that little spark.
I said this to my musical theater class today that like as a performer you have
(14:02):
to make sure that you can figure out how to trick your way around days that
you're not a hundred percent, but we have to do that in life too.
Yeah, right like we don't it's very rare It's very rare that I wake up and I'm
like I'm a hundred percent today, right?
I mean do y'all feel like that? Yeah, well if I wake up at noon.
Wow. Last Sunday, I can tell you last Sunday, I woke up and I was like,
(14:28):
whoa, 100%. And I was all day. I was like, I'm 100% Lauren.
Like all day long. It was, I had crazy energy. I couldn't tell you what that was about.
But, but it's not, I mean, like we hover depending on what our day's been like,
or, you know, what our sleep's been like. What are things like if we have allergies
(14:49):
or like what the weather is like in the winter or whatnot.
So you just, you have to trick it. You got to fake it till you make it.
Well, but I think you choose who you are and how you not just present to the
world, but how you present to yourself.
You choose the person that you are, that you were essentially made to be. be.
(15:11):
Like I did, I actually did a prayer this morning.
I've had a couple of weird nights and weird sleep patterns and weird dreams
and said, you know, just get me back to the original person that you wanted
me to be and show me what I need to be doing.
Because I think if you lose that perspective and you don't choose to be your
(15:34):
authentic self, you're miserable.
And all those those things, all those life things can get you down to the point that you can't.
It's harder to get back up. I think if you choose joy and you choose to be true
to yourself, no matter what that costs you, being true to myself costs me a marriage.
It costs me financial security.
(15:57):
It costs me some friends.
It costs me some couple friends. It costs me some opportunities.
But in In the end, I'm much happier where I am.
I miss my old town. I miss my friends in my old town.
But I love my hometown and I love my friends here and I love my life here.
(16:23):
But it was a huge choice to choose what I would accept in my life and how I
would be treated and what I expected from myself as a mom,
as a woman, as a wife or ex-wife.
You can choose joy. You can choose love. You can choose to express yourself
(16:45):
in a lovely way instead of dwelling on all the bad things that come with divorce.
I think all three of us have that sort of, I don't know, Pollyanna spark.
I think there are some people who get stuck in the struggle,
in the bitterness and the anger, and they just can't find their way out.
(17:07):
And it's just once you get the taste of
what i think i think all three of us can say once we
got that taste of peace once we
once we are able to we experience the peace
of being outside of the talk it was so easy to let go of any anger because everything
was worth keeping the peace do you know what i mean and so i think that if you
(17:30):
i don't know it's almost like that toxic part was a blessing too to be able
to get here because we'd all been in such such fabulous, happy places.
And then all of a sudden we're blindsided. It might be harder,
but it was so easy to let go of something because the exchange for that peace
in life and to be able to come home and breathe instead of hold your breath is everything.
(17:53):
That was big for me too. Yeah.
And I had a little bit of that at the first part of my divorce when he actually
moved out, But I had a huge wave of peace wash over me when I moved and physically
got out of the situation.
But I think, you know, I think a lot of people.
Deal with i mean it's hard to get divorced because
(18:16):
it's a huge change it change scares people
and change is scary yeah it's a huge change well
and i think and there's three of us i think bad situations because
it felt easier than well and the person who generally
the person who like decides and i
think all of us are the ones who decided that we're gonna do
it that person's already grieved it and so
(18:39):
it can be really upsetting to the other person when
that happens if they don't know it's coming or they haven't
you know well i think women
to some extent do that like i i it took me years to decide to do that i went
through every emotion and when i decided it it was decided because i had spent
(18:59):
all that time figuring out if that's what i wanted well you know I describe
mine as sort of a, this is not disrespectful,
but like a slow cancer death. Yeah.
Like I had watched my marriage go through a slow cancer death over 10 years.
By the time I decided I can't do this anymore, this is sucking the life out
(19:20):
of me and I am not myself and I owe it to myself and to my kids to be the best person that I can be.
That is the only choice that that's left in my arsenal that I did for 10 years.
I think, you know, it was that I had done the grief process over 10 years.
And I think you did it too, Bonnie. I did.
(19:42):
You grieve it and you grab at everything that could be a possibility.
And you try everything. What is it?
Toxic positivity. Oh, I got a save the marriage.
Yeah. During COVID. i bought a save the
marriage dog i thought this will be a dog
(20:02):
will help it did y'all do hysterical bonding yep oh
i did yep sex had
never been better yeah it's true
it's true it's a thing but i
mean well you try and fix any area you have control over
yeah i can do that i can make that at work i
can clean the house more i can cook dinner more
(20:24):
i can you know show more affection in more
ways i care there you know it's crazy
but that will wear you down too doing all those what
i would like to call is the last ditch efforts and
there's an s on the end of that because i went through the game yes life support
yeah it is and that's yeah but i just a lot of A lot of women don't get divorced
(20:48):
because they don't have the vision that my life could be better or I could feel peace.
They feel like I have time served.
This is not this. I'm going to make my vision work.
Yeah. You know, there are all those excuses that you can't see.
I made a commitment before God. Exactly.
(21:09):
It's a vow. It's a covenant. It's a sacrament. It's a sacrament.
All of that. But in the end, all those things are good vows and sacraments.
It's a covenant, but that takes, it's a contract and it takes two parties to make the contract work.
If only one person is given 110% and the other person does not care or is given
(21:31):
10% or in my case, given just enough to keep it going, that is not a marriage.
That is not a contract. That is not a workable.
Nobody in business would take that as a business model.
That's true. nobody in business would do business with somebody
that gave nothing or 10 to 30 percent so
that is not a partnership but with me
(21:53):
I don't think I got to the point where I
was still terrified and I still couldn't really vision envision
what it would be like on the other side I still couldn't really
see how things could be better I
just knew they couldn't be worse and that's you
know nobody hit the bottom enough time it was enough it
was enough to say i can live in a teeny tiny place
(22:15):
if i have to i just have to see if it
can be better than this oh that's exactly
what i said i said i could live anywhere i can
eat government cheese i can do a
lot of things but i have to save these two kids
when four eyeballs look at you like how
are you gonna fix this that's a huge
(22:37):
wake-up call and that's what I had and I thought I well
for me it was I can't keep everybody safe because
mine was an alcoholic it was how do I keep how
do I keep them safe how do I continue to keep
them safe how do I get them out of this where they
you know anyway it just well on a certain level mine was
safe but it was more of a security how
(22:59):
do they feel secure how do they feel like they're not.
Getting thrown off a cliff when I felt like I
was getting thrown off a cliff of how do I make that them feel like they're
in a safe space with me and you know marriage my marriage was just not going
to make it yeah well and we all wanted something good I yeah it got to a point
(23:21):
for me that I just and I hung on for so long but I felt,
other than like the other things that happened, like the things that happened
aside, I felt lonelier in my marriage than I have ever felt in my life.
I felt that. I felt very alone in my marriage. Yeah. Much more than like any
(23:41):
night that my child rolled off.
Yeah. Or I was lonely. I felt much more lonely in my marriage than I do outside my marriage.
So, yeah, that was. I don't feel any less lonely now. Now, I'm alone.
But do you feel lonely? But I don't feel. But do you feel as lonely,
(24:02):
like desperately lonely?
That's how I describe mine. I felt desperately lonely.
I wanted someone to talk to me. I wanted someone to physically touch me.
I think I did tell you that I got to a point that I realized for physical contact,
I was paying my massage therapist. Well, I think.
(24:23):
You know what I'm saying? it was like any small
kind gesture i was in tears yes because
i had not had that in my marriage conversation oh
conversation both of those conversation yeah yeah but i
think i think part of this withdrawals i think that after you've kind of because
you at least even though you were married and it was terrible you've had sex
you know what i mean some of that so you still had some of that i think for
(24:47):
me it was the withdrawal of that physical closeness with someone of someone
someone who was supposed to be a partner,
the intimacy of having someone in the same bed with me, it was that physical withdrawal.
And it took a few years. That's what the loneliness stemmed from.
It was the absence of that intimacy.
But I'm finally over it. I mean, if it ever comes around again, that's great.
(25:11):
But I no longer really, I don't really crave it.
I'm finally to a place where I can say, the Lord can tell me what he wants me
to do, point me in the right right direction.
I am good to go, but I'm not out
there trying to decide for myself in what direction I'm supposed to go in.
(25:31):
I'm kind of at that. I can be, I can be alone. I'm happy being by myself.
Would I eventually like someone? Yes, that would be great. But this is another
thing. I'm not going to settle.
I'm finally to the place where I'm going. I've had crumbs before.
I will settle for a filet mignon, but I'm not settling for crumbs.
(25:52):
It's not going to happen. It's like, yeah, it's like, I finally,
I will not, I will not settle just to experience intimacy.
No, no, no. You know, I'm like, Like, that's not hunger.
Well, I'm not going to settle for a box of chocolates. But you can do that.
Yeah. Without having to commit.
But it's true. But I'm not going to settle so that I can celebrate a national
(26:14):
holiday with a box of chocolates and a card from somebody. No.
I'm not doing it. I feel like, so I'm in a relationship, but I have been.
Like, I haven't really had much of a lull in that.
Two months. I think there were two months that I wasn't. in a relationship after
my divorce which it just happened that way i don't i didn't really plan it but
(26:36):
but i think that sometimes just going back to like partnerships or.
Relationships that after you've been married people don't take it as seriously
that you're in a relationship unless you're married again does that make sense
do you know what i'm saying In serious, what do you mean?
(26:57):
Like, as you, as a couple?
Yeah, like not as validating or something. Especially my, especially family.
They like, I guess they just want to see you married again. I don't know.
This is new territory for me.
So every time. I think it's kind of like, okay, when I first moved to this town,
no one said anything to me.
No one had anything to say to me because I wasn't from here. I didn't go to Auburn.
(27:22):
There was no reason for them to get to know me at all until I got engaged.
And then all of a sudden I was worth speaking to.
It's like, oh, I guess you're a keeper. You'll be moving into our community.
I guess I got to get to know you. Like, it's just the strangest thing.
But I think it's what it is with family is okay we
don't really have to embrace this or get
(27:42):
to know him until we know he's a keeper forever i think that's what
it is i don't think it's you i think it's the whole like
mindset uh we're not gonna be serious about him enough that we yeah yeah when
we know this is a permanent situation then we're 100 in but until then great
bring him around if you want to yeah you know whatever you know i mean i think
(28:05):
that's probably what it is which is interesting because Because I don't remember that.
I mean, you know, I had not dated in...
Well, and when you dated before, you didn't date here. That's true.
That's true. You dated in a completely different way. And lived next door to your mama.
Oh, that's true. I do.
(28:26):
I do live next door to my mother. You weren't in close proximity.
So it may also be your family allowing you to have boundaries.
That's true. You know, with them and your partner. Because when you first started
dating, you really established some, hey, hey, hey.
Boundary here we're not ready for this whole
family you can't so it may just be a lot of respect also for you and that you
(28:50):
have a partner now and they're going to respect whatever boundaries you have
put forth about okay we're gonna let her decide when we cross all that i don't
think it's that no save that we'll save that for later that's the poly.
Well,
(29:14):
back to Valentine's. I think if you have a partner, that's great.
Celebrate it. If you have friends, celebrate them.
I think it's great that you can have a Galentine's.
I think that's great that that's a thing. I think it's come along at the perfect
time in my life that that's a thing.
And, you know, if you want to be by yourself on Valentine's,
(29:37):
that's funny, too. A big old bubble bath, get you a drink.
Oh, I'm going to do all that. I think last year, I'm trying to remember,
but I think last year on Valentine's Day, I had my son.
So my son and I went to dinner. I think I took my son to dinner the last two years.
I think my son and I took my daughter, yeah. My boyfriend and I will celebrate
(29:59):
a different time. It's not...
It doesn't have to be so narrow, I guess. It's not like it's Christmas.
No. It doesn't really even have to be celebrated, if we're all going to be honest.
It doesn't. You know, it's just another day.
Well, I will say. You could watch a slasher film. I do miss making. It's bloody.
You remember me? Hearts make blood. Hearts make blood.
(30:22):
Do you remember that making your own Valentine's box so people could go and
put your own time in school?
My favorite. I miss that. My favorite one with my daughter. She made a purple
shark. It was awesome. That's so cute.
We actually had a little mailbox.
My daughter was little. And she decorated. It was the cutest thing I've ever
(30:43):
seen. I miss those little cutesy things.
I don't know if they have to do it. My son made like an Alice in Wonderland
themed one where we decorated it with like playing cards all over it.
It lasted a couple years, but I don't know. I'd love to squint a heart's face.
Yeah. Yeah, I miss it. I miss it. That's a good one.
(31:08):
That's your little tiny Valentine. Yeah. My little puppy is in my lap.
So, all right.
Well, what are we doing this week? Do y'all have Valentine's plans?
I don't think any of us have actually made. My partner's having surgery this coming week.
So in-home Valentine's Day. So, yeah, it'll be a stay-at-home situation most likely.
(31:32):
Yeah. That's okay, though. That's how we like it anyway, usually.
But I have a fun weekend coming up this weekend. I have my friend's birthday. She's turning 30.
And then your son's. Yeah, we have an engagement party.
It's happening. We have an engagement party. Yeah. I have my daughter's birthday.
(31:52):
And then shortly after, Bonnie's birthday.
That's in the next chapter. What's your birthday? Which date is it? Are you allowed to say?
Oh, I got it. I got it. Ah, I know. And you all do not.
Well, yeah. Well, we should really plan to have your daughter and my son,
(32:13):
we can all do something together. That sounds good.
Make stuff or do something. That sounds good.
That sounds good. All right. right well y'all have the best week happy happy
valentine's yes oh mine makes good thank y'all for joining us for champagne sunday see you next week.
(32:36):
Music.
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