September 15, 2023 • 29 mins
🎙️ Welcome back to The Mommy Mentor, where I'm about to dive headfirst into the adolescent adventure of parenting teenagers. Hold onto your sanity because it's about to get wild! 🤪
In this episode, I'm tackling the enigmatic world of teenage drama llamas. You know, those moody, eye-rolling, hormone-fueled creatures who used to be your sweet little angels? Well, they've transformed into something straight out of a soap opera, and I'm here to help you survive the drama storm.
But, hey, I'm not here to rain on the parade entirely. Teens are fascinating creatures, capable of brilliance one moment and mind-boggling cluelessness the next. It's like they're practicing for adulthood but haven't quite figured it out yet.
💔 Love them or loathe them, these teenage drama llamas are still our children. It's a delicate dance of letting go while holding on, and I'll explore the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it. Are they too old for a bedtime story but too young to face life's harsh realities alone? I'll discuss the heart-wrenching tug-of-war between independence and protection.
So, grab your favorite coffee (or perhaps something stronger) and join me as I navigate the wild, wacky, and wonderful world of parenting teenagers. Trust me; it's a wild ride, but with a little humor and a lot of love, we'll all make it through!
Tune in to The Mommy Mentor podcast for your monthly dose of parenting wisdom, laughter, and the reminder that you're not alone in this crazy journey of raising kids. 🎉👩👧👦👨👧👦
For information on this podcast and more, visit mommymentorpodcast.com. My name is Erinn Kennedy-Heldt & I am a registered nurse and a Mom of three. I have professional experience with moms & babies as a post-partum nurse, which keeps the newborn & post partum transition fresh in my mind. And I have my personal experience of 17 years of parenting.Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Welcome to the Mommy Mentor podcast.
This parenting bullshitis hard, am I right?
From sleepless nights with newbornsto sleepless nights with teens.
From potty training tosending them off to college.
I'm here to get you throughit all as your mommy mentor.
My name is Erinn Kennedy -Heldt and I'ma registered nurse and a mom of three.
I have professional experience withmoms and babies as a postpartum
(00:36):
nurse, which keeps the newborn andpostpartum transition fresh in my mind.
I have 17 years of parentingexperience as well.
For information on this podcast andmore, go to mommy mentor podcast.com.
Parents, grab a couple of whatever youprefer and settle in for the next episode.
(01:04):
Hey there, mommies.
It's Erinn, your mommy mentor.
We're back to talkabout teenage parenting.
Not parents who are teens, butparenting teens, which is what
I am in the thick of right now.
And it is, oh man, it is so ridiculous.
Uh, if you are going through it,you know what I'm talking about.
(01:26):
And...
It's a stage that no one really talkedto me about, no one, you know how like
complete strangers have unsolicitedadvice for just everything, when you're
pregnant, when you have a baby, when youhave a toddler, when you're, you have a
little school aged child, so many piecesof advice that you get from people that
(01:47):
you didn't even ask for sometimes, andI got no advice at all about parenting
teenagers other than jokes abouthormones, raging hormones, and attitudes.
And it's like, these are not helpfulthings to be told is what I'm discovering.
Because I, I thought it would be funny.
(02:09):
I thought it would be like,oh, this is ridiculous.
And our teenagers are ridiculous.
And this is, this is teenagers.
Ha ha.
Very funny thing is, I am completelyemotionally unprepared for how to,
um, parent these children myself.
I, I, it's the emotions that Iam experiencing are, I, I don't
(02:29):
know how to deal with them.
And I didn't, I wasn't prepared,fully unprepared for, for these
emotions because it's already hardenough to know that you need to.
You're parenting a teenagerand you know you have, like, a
few years left, theoretically.
And on top of wondering if you've doneit all, if you've done what you needed to
(02:51):
do, if you've taught them what you needto teach them, if you've raised them well,
if they're, if you, you know, they'regoing to be productive citizens, if you've
done your best job, you're worried aboutall those things, but you also sit here
and have to do the whole struggle of andbalance of letting go but hanging on.
You're still their parent, they are stillchildren, and they are still under your
(03:15):
roof, and there's a certain amount ofrespect and rules that come with those
things, and then they become adults,and when I say adults, I don't mean 18
years old, because let's be real, 18 isnot an adult, our brains are not done
developing until we're like 25 years old,so that's when the law determines that
(03:35):
they are an adult, which let's not get mestarted on that whole concept when we're
making adult decisions, but our brainsare not mature enough because science
is one of my favorite things to say.
I'm just like, fully blindsided bythe emotions that I'm experiencing
as a parent right now, so I thoughtwe could talk about them because if
(03:58):
there's anyone else sitting here going,what the heck happened to my child?
I was not prepared for these, uh, Emotionsfrom them or me, then, you know, you need
to hear this as much as I needed to hearit or as much as I needed to think it.
I didn't know that this was normal.
I thought, Oh, my God, Imust be doing a bad job.
I must be because they're crazy.
(04:19):
They've overnight turned into psychopaths.
And I mean, I have tons of examples.
It's just ridiculous.
And some of it's funny to where you canjust be like, this is so ridiculous.
It's, it's comical, but some ofit's so ridiculous that you're
just like more frustrated thanyou've ever been as a parent.
(04:40):
And this person who you're trying toparent is now old enough to know things
about the world, to, uh, develop astrong argument in my case, my daughter
has done debate since seventh grade.
So I'm basically arguing with alawyer at my house and then they have
(05:02):
picked up things from other people.
I've been gaslit by my very ownchildren and I'm like, excuse me.
No, what are we doing?
Where did you learn that?
Because I sure as heck don't do that.
And you have not learned that from me.
So it's just crazy.
Cause you're just like, this isnot a two year old that has, you
know, minimal two year old logic.
(05:23):
I'm sitting here arguing with aperson who has logical thoughts and
arguments and, you know, because theyare still children, they're not always
logical and completely composed andrational, but they, they do make sense.
And sometimes it's like I'm baffledbecause I'm like, oh yeah, good point.
And I'm sitting here going, ohgreat, yeah, my daughter just
(05:46):
disproved my whole point right there.
And now all I, all the things I justsaid about XYZ is out the window.
Fantastic.
So just let's get the ballrolling with a ridiculous story.
Okay, so my bestie, shelives in, in Denver.
I live in Minnesota.
And so I don't see her a lot.
(06:07):
She doesn't see my kids a lot.
We, you know, we do the best we can.
And once a year for the past fewyears, we've been driving our family
to her house and staying for a week.
And it's super fun.
And all the kids are having a great time.
And we're like, Kind of livingin a big house together and
it's like, ooh, super fun.
It's like sister wives, butin the non polygamous way.
(06:27):
Um, and so we're thereand I'm doing dishes.
I'm standing at the sink doing dishes.
Of course, the water is hot.
I'm done doing dishes.
I turn off the water, walk away.
My daughter comes up to the sink to washher hands, immediately screams at me, mom.
And I'm like, what, what,what is, what is happening?
(06:49):
The water is hot.
And I'm like, Yeah, Iwas just washing dishes.
Well, you didn't turn off thewater right and I'm like what well
because I didn't turn the waterto cooler before I turned it off.
I didn't turn off the water rightbut logic tells you, and I'm pretty
sure we've discussed this since shewas a child, check the temperature
(07:13):
of something with your hand quicklybefore you completely submerge.
And, uh, my bestie is just behindme, just like, just covering her face
and chuckling, like, oh man, thisis what you're dealing with here?
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
So it's like, it's funny like that,and it's, you know, to this day, I...
(07:35):
give her crap.
I'm like, you didn't turnoff the water, right!
And she's like, ha ha, very funny.
And so it's become a joke in our house andwe can all laugh about it now, but it's
just like, that's how ridiculous it gets.
I'm being told I didn'tturn off the water, right?
I didn't know there was a wrongway to turn off the water.
But here we are.
So it's stuff like that.
(07:55):
And then it's emotions for me.
Oh man.
It has been really hard becauseI'm a type A personality.
I am not a huge risk taker.
I am what my friendscall the safety police.
I don't, you know, I don't take risks.
I'm not messing around too much.
I don't, I never even went asa teenager, did stupid stuff.
(08:15):
You know, that's when you supposedlytake the most risks of your life.
No, not me.
I don't like to gamble.
Just lots of things like that, and soit's very hard for me to just be able
to let go and trust that this person,and it's not because I don't trust them,
it's because I don't trust the world withthem, they're my children, they're my
(08:39):
babies, I carried them inside my body, Iliterally, it's my beating heart, three
of them walking around outside my body,if anything happened to them, one of
them, or multiple of them, I don't knowwhat I would do with myself, I just,
I can't, I can't even think about it.
And so, to think of this...
(09:00):
child that I've given birth toand raised, going out into the
big mean world is terrifying.
Phone alarm, this is life.
It's time for me to do my retinol, guys.
If you know all the words toLudacris Fantasy, it's time for
you to use your retinol too.
Anyway, side note, it's hard, really hardto let go and hang on at the same time.
(09:25):
I kind of liken it to when, I rememberwhen they were little, they were
toddlers and learning how to walk, andI remember when they were learning how
to walk up and down stairs, and I wasjust, it was always my instinct to just
go grab them and pick them up and carrythem down the stairs, and I knew that
that obviously isn't a good plan, theyneed to learn how to do the stairs,
it's It's not gonna function in lifeif they don't know how to do stairs.
(09:47):
It's a basic task and I rememberthe daycare lady as I was watching
one of them walked down the stairsone of the girls when they are about
two walking down the stairs andit's cement They're cement stairs.
I'm like, oh god, we're outside, okay.
And I'm just sitting there and she can seethat I'm just trying to avoid going after
(10:07):
them because I'm terrified that they aregonna get hurt by falling and she's like,
"Erinn, if you don't let them try they'renever gonna learn . They're never going
to be capable of doing it by themselves",and that hits home still now at 17.
If I don't let them go and don't letthem do it themselves, they're never
going to learn and I'm only hinderingthem in this world in all honesty.
(10:31):
At the same time, my drive and myneed and as their mom to protect
them and keep them safe from harm.
It's, it's, God, it's a hard thingto balance between those two things.
My drive to protect them from everythingdangerous and my knowledge that I need to
(10:51):
let go and teach them things and let themdo things and make mistakes even and get
hurt even so that they can be functioninghuman beings in this world by themselves
because I'm not always going to be here.
That is the crazy thing aboutthis teenage parenting stuff
that I was not prepared for.
I just wasn't.
I, like, I've had to do a couple therapyappointments with my one daughter just
(11:17):
because, like, the, the push and pullof she's trying to be more independent
and I'm trying to let her be moreindependent, but I'm also still trying
to hang on because she just turned17 and she just started senior year.
She's not, yet an adult.
And even when she turns 18, even thoughshe doesn't like me to say this, she will
(11:39):
not be an adult develop developmentally.
It's just, gosh, it's areally hard battle to do.
It's a really, it's internal.
It's, I know I have to let go,but I also want to hang on and I
know they'll always be my kids.
And obviously, you know, Istill need my mom for stuff.
(12:00):
Thank God.
She's still around at 78 years old.
She's right downstairs inmy living room right now.
But, thank goodness that my mom is stillaround because I still need her and I
know that they're still going to needme but they're not going to need me
in the same ways and it's really hardto recognize that this parenting year,
(12:25):
especially now that they're seniors isgoing to be just a year of transition.
School started on the day after LaborDay my husband and I were both just
all in our feelings about like wow,like this is, this is it, this is the
last first day of school, this is thelast, you know, this, this is the last
(12:47):
that, and like, we're just gonna haveto keep letting go more and more over
this school year, so that they cankind of take over their own lives, and
we've already let them do some things.
We've let them, you know, I,they have checking accounts,
they have savings accounts.
I've taught them how to budget and Itrust them completely with their accounts.
(13:09):
I have access to them, so I keep an eyethat they're not doing anything stupid.
Uh, they have been in charge of certainmedical appointments of their own and
certain, uh follow ups and making thoseappointments and arranging what like
making their own medical choices ofwhat treatments or they want or don't
(13:31):
want etc And so I'm trying to liketeach them how to be an adult In certain
ways, but also hang on, but it's, itfeels like now that it's senior year,
it's just, poof, it's gone to the wind.
I have to keep letting go more andmore, and I'm going to be bad at it.
I know I will.
(13:51):
So, I just wanted to let all youmommies know that like, parents, all you
parents know, that it can get so crazy,ridiculously funny, like, don't turn
the, you turned off the water wrong.
But it can also get so emotionallychallenged to the point where
you're just like, 'Holy crap, howam I ever gonna cope with this?'.
(14:15):
Everything I've ever knownas a parent is different.
And that's where I'm at right now.
Everything I've ever knownas a parent is different.
And they don't have theirlicenses yet because...
COVID delays, government, it takesforever to get a test scheduled,
but they're working on it.
And they're, they have enoughmoney to buy their own car.
(14:36):
And I'm sitting here going, Oh, dear God.
Now, then, then you'll just like,it was leave, leave the house.
And I, God knows where you'll be.
And.
I know I won't be privy toeverywhere they're going to
be after their senior year.
I'll be privy because they'lllive here, but they don't need
to tell me where they're going.
(14:57):
I just need to know when they're goingto come home so that I know when to
expect them because if they don'tcome home on time, then I know they're
not safe and I need to check on them.
But I won't know where they're going.
I don't get to controlwhen they come home.
I don't get to give them a curfew anymore.
It's just things like that that I knowwe're going to go by the wayside, and
(15:18):
they've been doing a lot of their owncollege planning, they've been doing,
they're making a lot of their own schoolchoices for post secondary, and that
makes sense, that it's their lives, it'sjust like, I feel like, almost like a
bad parent, because I'm they're doingit all themselves, but at the same time,
I'm sitting here going, well, no, thisis the way it's supposed to work, so I'm
(15:39):
actually being a good parent, lettingthem do, you know, things by themselves
and learn things on their own and maketheir own mistakes and learn from them.
So yeah, it's just redonkulous.
It can get ridiculous like that.
I'm sitting here worryingabout letting go.
I have to worry about things likesex, drugs, and rock and roll.
(16:01):
But true story, you worry aboutsubstances, you worry about drinking.
Thank goodness my children,have not dabbled in that.
I can say that confidently.
I should say that I know of,but I can say it confidently.
I would, I would hope I would know.
Also, they both feel very strongly aboutnot using any substances right at the
moment because we have an addictionhistory on our both sides of their family.
(16:26):
So they don't really want tomess around with that right now.
So that positive for me.
And then yeah.
Man, rock and roll.
I don't care.
Rock and roll.
You do you on the rock and roll.
But the sex part makes me nervousonly because diseases and pregnancy,
but also I don't want them gettinghurt, sexually assaulted type
hurt, but also feelings hurt.
(16:48):
And also I don't want them thinkingthey need to do certain things
for certain people to love them.
And believe you me, that is a conversationthat we had at like 10 years old.
Then there's the whole so, goingalong with sex, there's the whole
clothing choices that they're wearing.
They're wearing different clothing.
(17:08):
They're exploring, exploring their bodies.
They're like, they have,they're young women.
They have, they're adorable, likeyoung women and they're very cute.
Um, I, if I do say so myself,they're my adorable daughters.
So of course I think they're cute,but these little girls, they're not
little, they're, they have womansized bodies and are dressing them
in such ways that I'm not ready for.
(17:30):
And there've been times whereI'm like, no girl, you cannot
wear that out of the house.
And there, it's just the explanation thatI have to give of it's a double standard.
But unfortunately, some people receivethe way you're dressed as an invitation.
And my daughter is completely right.
(17:52):
"I should be able to dressmy body however I want.
And, screw them, and I'm not sending thema message, I'm wearing what I want to
wear because I like what I'm wearing".
And I'm like, true story girl, morepower to you, you are totally right.
I'm just telling you, from experiencein this society, what, what can happen
as a result of what you're wearing, andI am NOT saying that a person who is
(18:16):
sexually assaulted, that's wearing skimpyclothing should deserve that at all.
That is do not misconstrue that.
That is not what I'm saying at all.
I am saying there are people outthere that are not smart enough.
to receive what a woman wears or what aperson wears as some sort of a message
(18:37):
to their, an invitation to their body.
It is at no fault of theperson wearing the clothes.
It is at the fault of the personinterpreting the clothes as a message
when clothes are just clothes.
So we've had some lessons learned.
We had, uh, one instance where mydaughter, she was wearing shorts and like,
pretty short, it was, it was really hot.
It was hot outside.
(18:59):
It was summer.
Super hot.
And we're up north at the lake.
And she's wearing short,like, some shorts.
They weren't, they're not like, herbutt cheeks are not hanging out.
But they're decently short.
And she's wearing a tank topthat is like, a little cropped.
Not completely cropped, but a little bit.
And she took the dog on a walk.
And she returned very quickly, explainingthat she got hooted and hollered at.
(19:19):
And she didn't like that.
And I didn't say anything.
At the time, I haven't said anythingsince, but I, like, there's your lesson.
That is what I'm talking about.
That can make you feel uncomfortable.
Still, you do you.
Like, it's gotten to the pointwhere I am 40 years old in my life.
I will wear whatever theheck I want, and I...
My skin is thick enough now that I'mprepared to, I guess, diffuse the messages
(19:44):
that people think they're receiving.
But she's, she's young.
She doesn't have that experience just yet.
So it's stuff like that.
It's, it's um, my one daughter'sin a long term relationship.
It's kind of...
you know, one time she was upsetthat her boyfriend didn't respond
appropriately to her being upset aboutsomething or something like that.
(20:04):
I don't remember the specifics.
I asked her, did youtell him how you feel?
Did you communicate clearlywhat, why you were upset?
"Well, no.
He should just know".
I'm like, no, no, no,he shouldn't just know.
You have to communicate in arelationship, in any relationship,
not just a romantic one.
You need to be transparent about what youwant and what you need and what you need
(20:25):
help with and what your feelings are.
Otherwise, it's just a guessinggame and that's not fun for anyone.
Stuff like that.
It's like, holy crap, just stuffthat I was like, whoa, this is a lot.
I was not prepared.
You know, teaching your kids colorsand shapes and letters, and numbers.
If you thought that was hard, youjust get ready for the things that
(20:48):
like, sneak up on you that you have toteach them, like something like that.
So yeah, it's been a wildride with these teenage years.
And I know my kids are goodkids, like I'm very blessed.
My kids, they don't sneak out, they comehome when they're supposed to come home,
they both have jobs, they try theirhardest that they can at school, they get
good grades, they're very responsible intrying to explore their post secondary
(21:13):
lives, they're very responsiblein many of their medical matters.
It's just the attitudes and the blatantrefusal sometimes to help and that's
the stuff that is like, oh god, this isthe stuff that comes with a teenager.
I know that the, the self centerednessbecause you know, we are developing
(21:35):
our ourselves who we are as teenagers.
So the self centeredness makessense as a developmental stage.
I know I remember my child developmentclass and then the attitudes.
Rebellion.
It makes sense.
Once again, they're trying to establishwho they are separate from me, separate
from their dad, separate from theircomplete whole family, their household.
(21:58):
They're trying to juststand on their own two.
And I know that these are normalthings for them to be doing.
But what I was unprepared forwas my emotions surrounding it,
because I will tell you, I amblindsided almost every day.
And it can be so exhausting as a parent,and I love them, oh my god, just the
(22:24):
same as I did when they were babies.
But man, oh man, they drive meway crazier than they ever did.
And it's just, it's to the pointwhere I'm like, okay, I gotta walk
away before I, like, lose my everloving crap on you, yeah gotta go.
And sometimes them being responsiblecan come in the funniest formats.
(22:49):
Like I said, I had talked to my daughterswhen they were young about relationships
and sex and, and birth control.
And, you know, I talked to thembefore they even got their periods
about this stuff, surprise, surprise.
I'm a nurse surprise, surprise.
I'm a postpartum nurse.
I've taken care of teen parents.
I'm sitting here going, okay, let'stalk about birth control girls.
(23:09):
So they knew from a very young age.
Talk to your mom.
And I know everyone hasdifferent feelings about this.
We're not here to talk about yourfeelings on if teenagers should
be having, allowed to have sex, ifteenagers should be on birth control.
That's not what I'm here to talk about.
I'm here to tell you, Iknow what hormones are.
I know what kids want to do at that age.
(23:31):
I, I was one and so you just have toprepare your child and give them the
right tools so that they are preparedfor all situations that they encounter
and they have all the tools in theirtoolkit for the decision they're about to
make, which, if they're about to make thedecision of having sex, you better well
have given them the tools to do it safely.
(23:53):
That is my opinion.
So...
They've known from a young age, youknow, even if you're on the birth
control pill, you have to be usingcondoms because STDs and because also
sometimes birth control pills fail.
So very, you know, veryopen and honest about that.
And then this is, this is where itgets really funny because you're
just like, this is so ridiculous.
(24:16):
It's funny, but it's so ridiculousbecause I was like, what?
We're there?
Okay, so here's the story.
Let me set the scene.
It was my niece's 19th birthday party.
And it's a crowded restaurant, it'sa sports bar type restaurant, and
you know, we have, there's a lot ofpeople there, we have a long table
full of people up and down both sides,and my daughter leans over to me.
(24:41):
And she's like, "Mom".
And I'm like, yeah.
"I think it's time we get birth control".
And my face is like...
and my husband's across from me at thetable and he's like, "what's going on?
Are you okay?
(25:02):
What's happening?
I, I'm confused".
Like I was like, I'll tell you later.
Can't talk about it right now.
And I just turned to my daughter and Isaid, okay, we'll talk about it later.
But I'm just like, in the, in the sportsbar, at the, at the birthday party you're
telling me this, this is what's happening.
So it was like, we're having a seriousissue here, like, we need birth control.
(25:27):
The hilarity of it all andridiculousness because here we
are and this is how she tells me.
I just have to bethankful that she told me.
Anyway, the duality of parenting.
I was just telling my mom,ugh, the duality of parenting.
She was like, what do you mean?
I'm like, how they drive youseriously crazy, but you love the
hell out of them at the same time.
(25:48):
How it can be completely hilarious,but also so maddening at the same time.
Duality.
So if you're sitting in thatduality, any duality right now,
but especially the teenage one,holy buckets, am I overwhelmed.
And I'll admit it.
I'm just doing the best I can.
I am swimming, just trying to stay afloat,just trying to keep my head above water.
(26:13):
And, I'm gonna be honest, I think thishas been the hardest parenting stage.
And I'm not trying to scareyou, I'm trying to prepare you.
It's a doozy.
So just get ready, buckle up, and rememberthat those teenagers were once those
little tiny babies that you smushedand kissed and hugged for hours on end.
(26:33):
And they'll be back, my mom reminds me.
It's not something you're gonnaworry about in five years, my
mom says, then just let it go.
If the shorty shorts aren'tsomething you're gonna wear worry
about in five years and let it go.
So I I'm just gonna have to take theadvice of my mom on that one, and I
guess I'm giving you the same If itwon't matter in five years, if it
(26:57):
doesn't have a major consequence ontheir life that will still have a
lasting impact in five years, let it go.
Try to laugh.
Man, go get some self care.
Talk to other parents about it.
Talk to your partner, if you have one.
Just talk to anyone goingthrough this thick of things or
(27:17):
anyone who has been through it.
If you are lucky enough to still have yourown parents around, talk to them about
this because they know, they parentedyou, and I have a feeling that if your
house is anything like my house, you'resitting here going, 'Oh, that, I do that.
They, oh, they're like me', and I, I dosee myself in my girls, even when they're
(27:43):
not behaving the way I would like them to.
They have their mom's mouth.
They have their mom's stubbornness.
They have their mom's fight.
You know, I will fight for what I want.
They have those things for me.
And I, I just laugh because I'mlike, it's like arguing with myself.
So talk to your parents because theyprobably have some good advice for you.
(28:06):
Alright, mommies, we're gonnawrap it up until next episode.
You guys have a lovely time of day,whatever time you're listening to this.
And please go check out my website.
I would love it.
I have it up and running.
I know if you've been looking at it, youmight not have, you might have seen it,
"It's coming soon".
Well, I finally have it up and ready.
(28:26):
I had to revamp it rightalong with this podcast.
There's also information about my otherpodcast on there that's a little more PG
13 ish, uh, just due to swears, but, so gocheck out my website, mommymentorpodcast.
com, and you can follow me onInstagram at mymommymentor.
And please rate, like, followthe show, tell your friends.
(28:49):
I just, I want to helpas many people as I can.
Tell everyone you can.
Safe parenting out there, mommies.
Have a great day.
Welcome to the Mommy Mentor podcast.
This parenting bullshitis hard, am I right?
From sleepless nights with newbornsto sleepless nights with teens.
From potty training tosending them off to college.
I'm here to get you throughit all as your mommy mentor.
My name is Erinn Kennedy -Heldt and I'ma registered nurse and a mom of three.
I have professional experience withmoms and babies as a postpartum
(00:36):
nurse, which keeps the newborn andpostpartum transition fresh in my mind.
I have 17 years of parentingexperience as well.
For information on this podcast andmore, go to mommy mentor podcast.com.
Parents, grab a couple of whatever youprefer and settle in for the next episode.
(01:04):
Hey there, mommies.
It's Erinn, your mommy mentor.
We're back to talkabout teenage parenting.
Not parents who are teens, butparenting teens, which is what
I am in the thick of right now.
And it is, oh man, it is so ridiculous.
Uh, if you are going through it,you know what I'm talking about.
(01:26):
And...
It's a stage that no one really talkedto me about, no one, you know how like
complete strangers have unsolicitedadvice for just everything, when you're
pregnant, when you have a baby, when youhave a toddler, when you're, you have a
little school aged child, so many piecesof advice that you get from people that
(01:47):
you didn't even ask for sometimes, andI got no advice at all about parenting
teenagers other than jokes abouthormones, raging hormones, and attitudes.
And it's like, these are not helpfulthings to be told is what I'm discovering.
Because I, I thought it would be funny.
(02:09):
I thought it would be like,oh, this is ridiculous.
And our teenagers are ridiculous.
And this is, this is teenagers.
Ha ha.
Very funny thing is, I am completelyemotionally unprepared for how to,
um, parent these children myself.
I, I, it's the emotions that Iam experiencing are, I, I don't
(02:29):
know how to deal with them.
And I didn't, I wasn't prepared,fully unprepared for, for these
emotions because it's already hardenough to know that you need to.
You're parenting a teenagerand you know you have, like, a
few years left, theoretically.
And on top of wondering if you've doneit all, if you've done what you needed to
(02:51):
do, if you've taught them what you needto teach them, if you've raised them well,
if they're, if you, you know, they'regoing to be productive citizens, if you've
done your best job, you're worried aboutall those things, but you also sit here
and have to do the whole struggle of andbalance of letting go but hanging on.
You're still their parent, they are stillchildren, and they are still under your
(03:15):
roof, and there's a certain amount ofrespect and rules that come with those
things, and then they become adults,and when I say adults, I don't mean 18
years old, because let's be real, 18 isnot an adult, our brains are not done
developing until we're like 25 years old,so that's when the law determines that
(03:35):
they are an adult, which let's not get mestarted on that whole concept when we're
making adult decisions, but our brainsare not mature enough because science
is one of my favorite things to say.
I'm just like, fully blindsided bythe emotions that I'm experiencing
as a parent right now, so I thoughtwe could talk about them because if
(03:58):
there's anyone else sitting here going,what the heck happened to my child?
I was not prepared for these, uh, Emotionsfrom them or me, then, you know, you need
to hear this as much as I needed to hearit or as much as I needed to think it.
I didn't know that this was normal.
I thought, Oh, my God, Imust be doing a bad job.
I must be because they're crazy.
(04:19):
They've overnight turned into psychopaths.
And I mean, I have tons of examples.
It's just ridiculous.
And some of it's funny to where you canjust be like, this is so ridiculous.
It's, it's comical, but some ofit's so ridiculous that you're
just like more frustrated thanyou've ever been as a parent.
(04:40):
And this person who you're trying toparent is now old enough to know things
about the world, to, uh, develop astrong argument in my case, my daughter
has done debate since seventh grade.
So I'm basically arguing with alawyer at my house and then they have
(05:02):
picked up things from other people.
I've been gaslit by my very ownchildren and I'm like, excuse me.
No, what are we doing?
Where did you learn that?
Because I sure as heck don't do that.
And you have not learned that from me.
So it's just crazy.
Cause you're just like, this isnot a two year old that has, you
know, minimal two year old logic.
(05:23):
I'm sitting here arguing with aperson who has logical thoughts and
arguments and, you know, because theyare still children, they're not always
logical and completely composed andrational, but they, they do make sense.
And sometimes it's like I'm baffledbecause I'm like, oh yeah, good point.
And I'm sitting here going, ohgreat, yeah, my daughter just
(05:46):
disproved my whole point right there.
And now all I, all the things I justsaid about XYZ is out the window.
Fantastic.
So just let's get the ballrolling with a ridiculous story.
Okay, so my bestie, shelives in, in Denver.
I live in Minnesota.
And so I don't see her a lot.
(06:07):
She doesn't see my kids a lot.
We, you know, we do the best we can.
And once a year for the past fewyears, we've been driving our family
to her house and staying for a week.
And it's super fun.
And all the kids are having a great time.
And we're like, Kind of livingin a big house together and
it's like, ooh, super fun.
It's like sister wives, butin the non polygamous way.
(06:27):
Um, and so we're thereand I'm doing dishes.
I'm standing at the sink doing dishes.
Of course, the water is hot.
I'm done doing dishes.
I turn off the water, walk away.
My daughter comes up to the sink to washher hands, immediately screams at me, mom.
And I'm like, what, what,what is, what is happening?
(06:49):
The water is hot.
And I'm like, Yeah, Iwas just washing dishes.
Well, you didn't turn off thewater right and I'm like what well
because I didn't turn the waterto cooler before I turned it off.
I didn't turn off the water rightbut logic tells you, and I'm pretty
sure we've discussed this since shewas a child, check the temperature
(07:13):
of something with your hand quicklybefore you completely submerge.
And, uh, my bestie is just behindme, just like, just covering her face
and chuckling, like, oh man, thisis what you're dealing with here?
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
So it's like, it's funny like that,and it's, you know, to this day, I...
(07:35):
give her crap.
I'm like, you didn't turnoff the water, right!
And she's like, ha ha, very funny.
And so it's become a joke in our house andwe can all laugh about it now, but it's
just like, that's how ridiculous it gets.
I'm being told I didn'tturn off the water, right?
I didn't know there was a wrongway to turn off the water.
But here we are.
So it's stuff like that.
(07:55):
And then it's emotions for me.
Oh man.
It has been really hard becauseI'm a type A personality.
I am not a huge risk taker.
I am what my friendscall the safety police.
I don't, you know, I don't take risks.
I'm not messing around too much.
I don't, I never even went asa teenager, did stupid stuff.
(08:15):
You know, that's when you supposedlytake the most risks of your life.
No, not me.
I don't like to gamble.
Just lots of things like that, and soit's very hard for me to just be able
to let go and trust that this person,and it's not because I don't trust them,
it's because I don't trust the world withthem, they're my children, they're my
(08:39):
babies, I carried them inside my body, Iliterally, it's my beating heart, three
of them walking around outside my body,if anything happened to them, one of
them, or multiple of them, I don't knowwhat I would do with myself, I just,
I can't, I can't even think about it.
And so, to think of this...
(09:00):
child that I've given birth toand raised, going out into the
big mean world is terrifying.
Phone alarm, this is life.
It's time for me to do my retinol, guys.
If you know all the words toLudacris Fantasy, it's time for
you to use your retinol too.
Anyway, side note, it's hard, really hardto let go and hang on at the same time.
(09:25):
I kind of liken it to when, I rememberwhen they were little, they were
toddlers and learning how to walk, andI remember when they were learning how
to walk up and down stairs, and I wasjust, it was always my instinct to just
go grab them and pick them up and carrythem down the stairs, and I knew that
that obviously isn't a good plan, theyneed to learn how to do the stairs,
it's It's not gonna function in lifeif they don't know how to do stairs.
(09:47):
It's a basic task and I rememberthe daycare lady as I was watching
one of them walked down the stairsone of the girls when they are about
two walking down the stairs andit's cement They're cement stairs.
I'm like, oh god, we're outside, okay.
And I'm just sitting there and she can seethat I'm just trying to avoid going after
(10:07):
them because I'm terrified that they aregonna get hurt by falling and she's like,
"Erinn, if you don't let them try they'renever gonna learn . They're never going
to be capable of doing it by themselves",and that hits home still now at 17.
If I don't let them go and don't letthem do it themselves, they're never
going to learn and I'm only hinderingthem in this world in all honesty.
(10:31):
At the same time, my drive and myneed and as their mom to protect
them and keep them safe from harm.
It's, it's, God, it's a hard thingto balance between those two things.
My drive to protect them from everythingdangerous and my knowledge that I need to
(10:51):
let go and teach them things and let themdo things and make mistakes even and get
hurt even so that they can be functioninghuman beings in this world by themselves
because I'm not always going to be here.
That is the crazy thing aboutthis teenage parenting stuff
that I was not prepared for.
I just wasn't.
I, like, I've had to do a couple therapyappointments with my one daughter just
(11:17):
because, like, the, the push and pullof she's trying to be more independent
and I'm trying to let her be moreindependent, but I'm also still trying
to hang on because she just turned17 and she just started senior year.
She's not, yet an adult.
And even when she turns 18, even thoughshe doesn't like me to say this, she will
(11:39):
not be an adult develop developmentally.
It's just, gosh, it's areally hard battle to do.
It's a really, it's internal.
It's, I know I have to let go,but I also want to hang on and I
know they'll always be my kids.
And obviously, you know, Istill need my mom for stuff.
(12:00):
Thank God.
She's still around at 78 years old.
She's right downstairs inmy living room right now.
But, thank goodness that my mom is stillaround because I still need her and I
know that they're still going to needme but they're not going to need me
in the same ways and it's really hardto recognize that this parenting year,
(12:25):
especially now that they're seniors isgoing to be just a year of transition.
School started on the day after LaborDay my husband and I were both just
all in our feelings about like wow,like this is, this is it, this is the
last first day of school, this is thelast, you know, this, this is the last
(12:47):
that, and like, we're just gonna haveto keep letting go more and more over
this school year, so that they cankind of take over their own lives, and
we've already let them do some things.
We've let them, you know, I,they have checking accounts,
they have savings accounts.
I've taught them how to budget and Itrust them completely with their accounts.
(13:09):
I have access to them, so I keep an eyethat they're not doing anything stupid.
Uh, they have been in charge of certainmedical appointments of their own and
certain, uh follow ups and making thoseappointments and arranging what like
making their own medical choices ofwhat treatments or they want or don't
(13:31):
want etc And so I'm trying to liketeach them how to be an adult In certain
ways, but also hang on, but it's, itfeels like now that it's senior year,
it's just, poof, it's gone to the wind.
I have to keep letting go more andmore, and I'm going to be bad at it.
I know I will.
(13:51):
So, I just wanted to let all youmommies know that like, parents, all you
parents know, that it can get so crazy,ridiculously funny, like, don't turn
the, you turned off the water wrong.
But it can also get so emotionallychallenged to the point where
you're just like, 'Holy crap, howam I ever gonna cope with this?'.
(14:15):
Everything I've ever knownas a parent is different.
And that's where I'm at right now.
Everything I've ever knownas a parent is different.
And they don't have theirlicenses yet because...
COVID delays, government, it takesforever to get a test scheduled,
but they're working on it.
And they're, they have enoughmoney to buy their own car.
(14:36):
And I'm sitting here going, Oh, dear God.
Now, then, then you'll just like,it was leave, leave the house.
And I, God knows where you'll be.
And.
I know I won't be privy toeverywhere they're going to
be after their senior year.
I'll be privy because they'lllive here, but they don't need
to tell me where they're going.
(14:57):
I just need to know when they're goingto come home so that I know when to
expect them because if they don'tcome home on time, then I know they're
not safe and I need to check on them.
But I won't know where they're going.
I don't get to controlwhen they come home.
I don't get to give them a curfew anymore.
It's just things like that that I knowwe're going to go by the wayside, and
(15:18):
they've been doing a lot of their owncollege planning, they've been doing,
they're making a lot of their own schoolchoices for post secondary, and that
makes sense, that it's their lives, it'sjust like, I feel like, almost like a
bad parent, because I'm they're doingit all themselves, but at the same time,
I'm sitting here going, well, no, thisis the way it's supposed to work, so I'm
(15:39):
actually being a good parent, lettingthem do, you know, things by themselves
and learn things on their own and maketheir own mistakes and learn from them.
So yeah, it's just redonkulous.
It can get ridiculous like that.
I'm sitting here worryingabout letting go.
I have to worry about things likesex, drugs, and rock and roll.
(16:01):
But true story, you worry aboutsubstances, you worry about drinking.
Thank goodness my children,have not dabbled in that.
I can say that confidently.
I should say that I know of,but I can say it confidently.
I would, I would hope I would know.
Also, they both feel very strongly aboutnot using any substances right at the
moment because we have an addictionhistory on our both sides of their family.
(16:26):
So they don't really want tomess around with that right now.
So that positive for me.
And then yeah.
Man, rock and roll.
I don't care.
Rock and roll.
You do you on the rock and roll.
But the sex part makes me nervousonly because diseases and pregnancy,
but also I don't want them gettinghurt, sexually assaulted type
hurt, but also feelings hurt.
(16:48):
And also I don't want them thinkingthey need to do certain things
for certain people to love them.
And believe you me, that is a conversationthat we had at like 10 years old.
Then there's the whole so, goingalong with sex, there's the whole
clothing choices that they're wearing.
They're wearing different clothing.
(17:08):
They're exploring, exploring their bodies.
They're like, they have,they're young women.
They have, they're adorable, likeyoung women and they're very cute.
Um, I, if I do say so myself,they're my adorable daughters.
So of course I think they're cute,but these little girls, they're not
little, they're, they have womansized bodies and are dressing them
in such ways that I'm not ready for.
(17:30):
And there've been times whereI'm like, no girl, you cannot
wear that out of the house.
And there, it's just the explanation thatI have to give of it's a double standard.
But unfortunately, some people receivethe way you're dressed as an invitation.
And my daughter is completely right.
(17:52):
"I should be able to dressmy body however I want.
And, screw them, and I'm not sending thema message, I'm wearing what I want to
wear because I like what I'm wearing".
And I'm like, true story girl, morepower to you, you are totally right.
I'm just telling you, from experiencein this society, what, what can happen
as a result of what you're wearing, andI am NOT saying that a person who is
(18:16):
sexually assaulted, that's wearing skimpyclothing should deserve that at all.
That is do not misconstrue that.
That is not what I'm saying at all.
I am saying there are people outthere that are not smart enough.
to receive what a woman wears or what aperson wears as some sort of a message
(18:37):
to their, an invitation to their body.
It is at no fault of theperson wearing the clothes.
It is at the fault of the personinterpreting the clothes as a message
when clothes are just clothes.
So we've had some lessons learned.
We had, uh, one instance where mydaughter, she was wearing shorts and like,
pretty short, it was, it was really hot.
It was hot outside.
(18:59):
It was summer.
Super hot.
And we're up north at the lake.
And she's wearing short,like, some shorts.
They weren't, they're not like, herbutt cheeks are not hanging out.
But they're decently short.
And she's wearing a tank topthat is like, a little cropped.
Not completely cropped, but a little bit.
And she took the dog on a walk.
And she returned very quickly, explainingthat she got hooted and hollered at.
(19:19):
And she didn't like that.
And I didn't say anything.
At the time, I haven't said anythingsince, but I, like, there's your lesson.
That is what I'm talking about.
That can make you feel uncomfortable.
Still, you do you.
Like, it's gotten to the pointwhere I am 40 years old in my life.
I will wear whatever theheck I want, and I...
My skin is thick enough now that I'mprepared to, I guess, diffuse the messages
(19:44):
that people think they're receiving.
But she's, she's young.
She doesn't have that experience just yet.
So it's stuff like that.
It's, it's um, my one daughter'sin a long term relationship.
It's kind of...
you know, one time she was upsetthat her boyfriend didn't respond
appropriately to her being upset aboutsomething or something like that.
(20:04):
I don't remember the specifics.
I asked her, did youtell him how you feel?
Did you communicate clearlywhat, why you were upset?
"Well, no.
He should just know".
I'm like, no, no, no,he shouldn't just know.
You have to communicate in arelationship, in any relationship,
not just a romantic one.
You need to be transparent about what youwant and what you need and what you need
(20:25):
help with and what your feelings are.
Otherwise, it's just a guessinggame and that's not fun for anyone.
Stuff like that.
It's like, holy crap, just stuffthat I was like, whoa, this is a lot.
I was not prepared.
You know, teaching your kids colorsand shapes and letters, and numbers.
If you thought that was hard, youjust get ready for the things that
(20:48):
like, sneak up on you that you have toteach them, like something like that.
So yeah, it's been a wildride with these teenage years.
And I know my kids are goodkids, like I'm very blessed.
My kids, they don't sneak out, they comehome when they're supposed to come home,
they both have jobs, they try theirhardest that they can at school, they get
good grades, they're very responsible intrying to explore their post secondary
(21:13):
lives, they're very responsiblein many of their medical matters.
It's just the attitudes and the blatantrefusal sometimes to help and that's
the stuff that is like, oh god, this isthe stuff that comes with a teenager.
I know that the, the self centerednessbecause you know, we are developing
(21:35):
our ourselves who we are as teenagers.
So the self centeredness makessense as a developmental stage.
I know I remember my child developmentclass and then the attitudes.
Rebellion.
It makes sense.
Once again, they're trying to establishwho they are separate from me, separate
from their dad, separate from theircomplete whole family, their household.
(21:58):
They're trying to juststand on their own two.
And I know that these are normalthings for them to be doing.
But what I was unprepared forwas my emotions surrounding it,
because I will tell you, I amblindsided almost every day.
And it can be so exhausting as a parent,and I love them, oh my god, just the
(22:24):
same as I did when they were babies.
But man, oh man, they drive meway crazier than they ever did.
And it's just, it's to the pointwhere I'm like, okay, I gotta walk
away before I, like, lose my everloving crap on you, yeah gotta go.
And sometimes them being responsiblecan come in the funniest formats.
(22:49):
Like I said, I had talked to my daughterswhen they were young about relationships
and sex and, and birth control.
And, you know, I talked to thembefore they even got their periods
about this stuff, surprise, surprise.
I'm a nurse surprise, surprise.
I'm a postpartum nurse.
I've taken care of teen parents.
I'm sitting here going, okay, let'stalk about birth control girls.
(23:09):
So they knew from a very young age.
Talk to your mom.
And I know everyone hasdifferent feelings about this.
We're not here to talk about yourfeelings on if teenagers should
be having, allowed to have sex, ifteenagers should be on birth control.
That's not what I'm here to talk about.
I'm here to tell you, Iknow what hormones are.
I know what kids want to do at that age.
(23:31):
I, I was one and so you just have toprepare your child and give them the
right tools so that they are preparedfor all situations that they encounter
and they have all the tools in theirtoolkit for the decision they're about to
make, which, if they're about to make thedecision of having sex, you better well
have given them the tools to do it safely.
(23:53):
That is my opinion.
So...
They've known from a young age, youknow, even if you're on the birth
control pill, you have to be usingcondoms because STDs and because also
sometimes birth control pills fail.
So very, you know, veryopen and honest about that.
And then this is, this is where itgets really funny because you're
just like, this is so ridiculous.
(24:16):
It's funny, but it's so ridiculousbecause I was like, what?
We're there?
Okay, so here's the story.
Let me set the scene.
It was my niece's 19th birthday party.
And it's a crowded restaurant, it'sa sports bar type restaurant, and
you know, we have, there's a lot ofpeople there, we have a long table
full of people up and down both sides,and my daughter leans over to me.
(24:41):
And she's like, "Mom".
And I'm like, yeah.
"I think it's time we get birth control".
And my face is like...
and my husband's across from me at thetable and he's like, "what's going on?
Are you okay?
(25:02):
What's happening?
I, I'm confused".
Like I was like, I'll tell you later.
Can't talk about it right now.
And I just turned to my daughter and Isaid, okay, we'll talk about it later.
But I'm just like, in the, in the sportsbar, at the, at the birthday party you're
telling me this, this is what's happening.
So it was like, we're having a seriousissue here, like, we need birth control.
(25:27):
The hilarity of it all andridiculousness because here we
are and this is how she tells me.
I just have to bethankful that she told me.
Anyway, the duality of parenting.
I was just telling my mom,ugh, the duality of parenting.
She was like, what do you mean?
I'm like, how they drive youseriously crazy, but you love the
hell out of them at the same time.
(25:48):
How it can be completely hilarious,but also so maddening at the same time.
Duality.
So if you're sitting in thatduality, any duality right now,
but especially the teenage one,holy buckets, am I overwhelmed.
And I'll admit it.
I'm just doing the best I can.
I am swimming, just trying to stay afloat,just trying to keep my head above water.
(26:13):
And, I'm gonna be honest, I think thishas been the hardest parenting stage.
And I'm not trying to scareyou, I'm trying to prepare you.
It's a doozy.
So just get ready, buckle up, and rememberthat those teenagers were once those
little tiny babies that you smushedand kissed and hugged for hours on end.
(26:33):
And they'll be back, my mom reminds me.
It's not something you're gonnaworry about in five years, my
mom says, then just let it go.
If the shorty shorts aren'tsomething you're gonna wear worry
about in five years and let it go.
So I I'm just gonna have to take theadvice of my mom on that one, and I
guess I'm giving you the same If itwon't matter in five years, if it
(26:57):
doesn't have a major consequence ontheir life that will still have a
lasting impact in five years, let it go.
Try to laugh.
Man, go get some self care.
Talk to other parents about it.
Talk to your partner, if you have one.
Just talk to anyone goingthrough this thick of things or
(27:17):
anyone who has been through it.
If you are lucky enough to still have yourown parents around, talk to them about
this because they know, they parentedyou, and I have a feeling that if your
house is anything like my house, you'resitting here going, 'Oh, that, I do that.
They, oh, they're like me', and I, I dosee myself in my girls, even when they're
(27:43):
not behaving the way I would like them to.
They have their mom's mouth.
They have their mom's stubbornness.
They have their mom's fight.
You know, I will fight for what I want.
They have those things for me.
And I, I just laugh because I'mlike, it's like arguing with myself.
So talk to your parents because theyprobably have some good advice for you.
(28:06):
Alright, mommies, we're gonnawrap it up until next episode.
You guys have a lovely time of day,whatever time you're listening to this.
And please go check out my website.
I would love it.
I have it up and running.
I know if you've been looking at it, youmight not have, you might have seen it,
"It's coming soon".
Well, I finally have it up and ready.
(28:26):
I had to revamp it rightalong with this podcast.
There's also information about my otherpodcast on there that's a little more PG
13 ish, uh, just due to swears, but, so gocheck out my website, mommymentorpodcast.
com, and you can follow me onInstagram at mymommymentor.
And please rate, like, followthe show, tell your friends.
(28:49):
I just, I want to helpas many people as I can.
Tell everyone you can.
Safe parenting out there, mommies.
Have a great day.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.