EITM: Force Or Divorce 5/1/24

But once a confesser, always a cheater, right?

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Somebody sent me this, and listen, I've had friends who have there's been
infidelity in the marriage, and Ihave friends where it didn't work out.
I have friends where it did workout, where they stayed together. And
you know, it takes some ittakes some therapy, it takes some forgiveness.
And they always say, what doI always tell you. They always

(00:21):
say that you can't bat him aboutthe head with it. If you agree,
we're going to put this behind usand move on. You can't bring
it up all the time. Yes, that's your big thing. You can't
hold it against them, right becauselike my buddy would be like they would
be doing dishes and stuff and shewould go like, can you take the
trash out? You go, I'lltake it out later, and she goes,
oh, remember you cheated on me. I'll take it out now,

(00:44):
but not in a playful way,like in a nasty way. And needless
to say, years later they arenot together anymore. Anyway. Somebody sent
me this may I read I'm thirtyfour. This is the man. I'm
thirty four years old. I've beenmarried to my wife, she's thirty two,
for five years. We have threechildren. A few months ago I

(01:04):
found out from my wife's text thatshe had been cheating on me, and
I confronted her about it. Sheconfessed to it and gave me the entire
breakdown of her affair, which hadlasted for a month. I was devastated,
and I asked her why. Shegave no excuses for it. It
said she had caught feelings for heraffair partner which were wrong, and she

(01:29):
had acted on them. Her affairpartner was one of her coworkers. I
asked her if I lacked in anything, and she said no. She was
in tears. I needed a fewdays to process this. My wife gave
me space, but she asked memany times to reconsider divorce because it was
uproot the lives of our children.She said she would do anything I wanted

(01:53):
for the rest of my life.After a week, I decided I needed
one thing for my wife to completelyforgive her. Okay, okay, why
why the face, because it's gotto be some sort of punchline. The
oh you're thinking, he's like,I need Ooral every day for the rest
of my life. I'm going tosay the other but oh, Anal,

(02:15):
No, it's not. It's notneed her to take the trash out.
Are you ready? After a week, I decided that I needed only one
thing for my wife to completely forgiveher, and that was to call each
and every one of her friends andfamily and confess to her affair. I

(02:42):
told her that was my only condition. She was very hesitant and asked me
if I would reconsider the condition becausethis would ruin a lot of her friendships
and family relationships. But I toldher this was what I needed as part
of my forgive forgiveness process, andthat is he didn't do it, I
was going to start looking for adivorce lawyer. Wow, what is the

(03:07):
motivation there? You know what?That is exactly what my thought was.
That was exactly what thing like embarrassed, so humiliated that says I for an
eye, Yeah, which at timesI know they'll say leaves the whole world
blind, but it's sometimes you needblind people, especially if it was just

(03:28):
like one office the I don't.First of all, I've never heard of
that. No, I've never heardof that. Was there suspicion that one
of them was cheating and he wantedit to be clear it was And friends,
Oh, is that that the wholefriend group and family group thought that,

(03:50):
Hey, there's problems going on there. I bet it's Jimmy, Like
something's off. The chemistry seems imbalanced. I bet somebody's have an affair and
he wanted to set the record straight. Yeah, somebody was just not me
mean, So that's like you know, you always say, as we discussed,
you can't hold it over him.But he just wants to do it

(04:12):
for a few phone calls. Butthat's that's a lot. What are like
phone calls? Like I am avindictive, vengeful person. Is he gonna
Is he gonna stand there with hislist and make sure that these phone calls
are going off as he wants themto do. Why now? Was he
the bad guy? No? No, No, I'm just I'm wondering,
like, if he gives that asan ultimatum, it's you can't be like,

(04:35):
Okay, I'll trust you to dothat on your own. I would
be like if I was him,you gotta have proof. And some people
will argue that he is sliding intoa bad guy role here, that this
is not healthy. So you wouldn'tdo that as your condition. No,
you cheat on Scott and Scott's like, and yet you don't want the marriage

(04:56):
to end you love Scott. Youjust you caught feelings for somebody at work,
Josefa and the hairless and so nowhe's like, this is my condition,
And don't you feel like a lotof people, if they were to

(05:16):
forgive and move on with the relationship, wouldn't want the whole world to know.
Yeah, I feel like that wouldbe the more common response. I
feel like that would be my world. Like I feel like I feel like
there's a group of people I wouldtell, Oh, so you still even
if you're going to continue on,you would still well, I mean you

(05:42):
comfort in your friends, I know, but you know from personal experience and
stories that you've told. You knowthat then that friend's interaction with you as
a unit as a couple changes forever. Oh yeah, Now, listen,
we have friends where I know thatthe guy is cheated on the woman and

(06:02):
vice versa, and it's all Iwant to discuss with them, And then
every time I see him, Ijust try to picture them getting railed out
by somebody else. Absolutely, Andit's been years. So let me tell
those friends. Back to Diane's thingabout making sure that you would know you
can't trust that. Over the nextweek, my wife made phone calls to

(06:25):
all of her friends, parents,grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts,
pretty much anyone she knew and confessedto her affair. There was a lot
of crying that would be hard tolisten to. Yeah, I don't think
I like this. My wife washurled with a lot of shouting. By
the week's end, my wife hadcalled everyone I had wanted her to call.

(06:48):
I wouldn't want to hear Jackie gettinginto screaming matches and crying and everything
with her friends and family. Ican tell you this. On his part,
I'm sure there was a teeny tinybit of satisfaction. They worded.
Some of the phone call recipients wonderwhat he did to make her stray that

(07:08):
could backfire the well, No,she caught feelings for a coworker. She
had to say what happened because ofa lack of intimacy at home? No,
because it says right here. Iasked if it is anything I had
lacked in anything, and she said, no, I'm saying what would family
and friends may be deduced? Oh, short, endy, I wasn't thinking

(07:29):
that. But it's been a fewmonths. My wife and I actually have
a very strong relationship now. However, my wife has pretty much become isolated
from her friends and a lot ofher family. This has hurt her a
lot. She spends some nights crying, but she says this was worth it,
as our relationship is continuing. There'sno way they last. The well

(07:53):
that that's unfair to say. That'sunfair to say. How do we know
how young the kids are. Iknow they're thirty four and thirty two.
They've been married five years, soI mean that there's five maybe six?
Yeah, I bet they're once thekids get a little bit older and maybe
they'll handle the blow better in middleschool. I mean, all their friends

(08:16):
parents are divorced. So you thinkit doesn't last. I don't think so.
Why I just don't. I feellike if she's and you know,
it's still pretty fresh in terms ofher a couple of months those phone calls,
right, But if he's saying likeshe's crying every night, she's getting
iced out and well, now she'sgot to go out and make new friends.

(08:41):
But I mean, it was herchoice on two fronts. On two
fronts, it was her choice.It was her choice whether she was going
to pull her pants down. OhI'm not, I'm not absolving her responsibility,
and it was her choice as towhether or not she this is what
she wanted to do. I know. But now, whereas a cup bully,
you maybe have forgiven and you're lookingto forget. I don't think she's

(09:05):
forgotten because family has now excommunicated her. You're constantly reminded of the affair the
rest of your life. Yeah,well, I don't think I would ever
forget that my spouse cheated on me. But you thought forcing her to confess

(09:26):
would allow you to move on.Yeah, and you said she's crying every
night, Okay, just some nights, right, some nights, some nights,
not every night. Oh my god, that's not hell. Well,
but these things take time. It'slike have you ever broken a bone.
It doesn't heal overnight. It takesa little bit. She may stop crying,

(09:48):
but there's family and friends that maybehave said I don't want anything to
do with her. Also, Idon't know that I'm a little disappointed in
her family that there sing around.Yeah, I'm a little disappointed. Listen,
I'm not saying that you go onand you pat them on the back
and you go, hey, waitto dish out the bagoon. But like
at some point you gotta do likeI don't know, I don't know.

(10:15):
I don't know that I ditch myfamily. Some families are very fond of
their son or daughter in laws.Right, so yes, you may think,
well blood is thicker than water.But they may feel terrible. Yes,
but if if you stay together,then you have to family has to

(10:37):
let it go altogether. This iswell, now, how many conditions are
you placing on this, Well,you have to let it go. You
should have thought about this before youforced her to confess. It's just cutting
bait and start over. So noway you would have done it forced or
confessed confessed. I think I wouldhave taken a step back and and realized

(11:03):
this is this is gonna make thewhole world blind, and sometimes we need
blind people. Yeah, now Itold you that that's aggressive. I've never
heard of that as being a condition. I've heard we got to go to
therapy. I've heard we need towe need to go away, like not
on vacation, but like a couplesget away and like spend time with each

(11:24):
other. Like we need to schedulevacation. No, no, not a
vacation, but like we need weneed to go just be by ourselves and
like, and then there's some peoplego like, we need we need to
go hardcore intimate right now, LikeI need to, I need to.
I need to eff it out ofyou. Oh my god, but I've

(11:45):
never heard you need to call everybody? Everybody? You imagine calling your grandparents?
Oh god, you start with thaton your job? No, no,
no, there's no small talk otherthan hey, how are you good?
Hey? Listen, then you jumpright in I have something I need
to tell Yeah, then you jumpright in, Hey, listen, I'm

(12:07):
calling for a reason. I pulleddown my pants for a co worker and
I got caught. I'd be realgraphic about it too. Where am I
going? Maybe? Some people,though, are saying that they want to
be removed from any sort of socialcircle with them because they're also now upset

(12:28):
with the husband, and they're like, what kind of sick f make someone
call and confess this? I knowwhat if if if we were on the
receiving end of that phone call,I would look at Jackie and go we
got to go out to dinner withthem? I actually what this is?
Like? Absolutely line too? HiEllie in the morning, Yeah, Hi,

(12:54):
who's this? This is money?I made my ex husband do this.
I didn't make him call everyone,but like as soon as I knew,
I made him call my dad.Was the first of all he had
to make and to call my dadand let him know. And then we
went down the list of his siblingsand his best friends because I was it
was a two things. First ofall, you embarrassed me, so I'm

(13:18):
going to embarrass you and let peopleknow why I have an attitude towards you,
if I get an attitude. Andthen the second thing was accountability.
So like if he straight again andI left, it was very much like
now, you know, so youwere documenting, you were documenting. Yeah,
yeah, it was really kind oflike if I left you, you're

(13:41):
not going to spin it how youwant to spin it, you know,
like it's a thing. And thenhe did cheat again and everybody knew.
I like I left. I waslike and I was like, ohr because
when I found out I have justhad our son. It was a one
week after I had our son.So I was like, TI, I
didn't want to make any emotional decisionto leave this way or that way,

(14:01):
but I wanted him to be heldaccountable. So was he was when you.
It was great when you went tohim and said I need you to
start calling people. Was he hesitantat all? Was he like, come
on, babe? No? Shewas like when I told him so,
like I had kind of had suspicions, and then I kind of made him

(14:22):
admitted, and he goes, yeah, I did sleep with her, and
I go okay, and now you'regoing to call my dad on speaker phone.
And then she just kind of panickedand was like, oh, yeah,
yeah, I made him call mydad on speaker phone. Did you
chime in at all or were youjust there? Were you just there silent?
Well, I didn't say anything untilshe was trying to like say it

(14:43):
was a one time thing and all, because there was I had been kind
of like keeping track. I didn'tconfront him until I anew one hundred percent
knew how long it was going on. So that's when I was like,
no, that's not what happened.The truth like that, Oh my god,
your checked me on the call.Yeah. I also come from a
culture, like I'm Arab, solike it's very like your father is like

(15:09):
your backbone, you know, solike for him to call my dad was
very very hard for him. Butthen it was like, you know,
his two best friends were kind oflike what the hell? Yeah? Were
they like wait, were the friendslike, were the friends like what the
hell? Why is she doing thisto you? Or were they like why
did you cheat on her? No? Like one of his best friends to
me as it was, he waslike, that was really good for you

(15:31):
to do, because to hold himacount when he gets scared that you're gonna
embarrass him again, I go,I didn't embarrass him to embarrass himself.
See now, but now nobody's madat her, like I don't, Diane's
not going after her. Diane wasmad at this guy for making his wife
mom, I don't know, Idon't care. Hey, let me ask

(15:52):
you this right after. So soyou're standing there fact checking him on every
phone call, and he's calling everybodyconfessing to the affair. Would you have
been able if he did not cheatagain? Would you have been able to
get over it? Yeah? BecauseI was getting over it and then I
found out he cheated again, andI was like, this guy was your

(16:14):
dad when he visited forget it,however many hours he was at your house.
So my dad actually really liked myex husband until that happened, so
he was kind of stunned, youknow. And then when I did leave,
my dad was like, you didwhat you had to do, and
you held him accountable, and hestill didn't want to change when you embarrassed

(16:34):
him in front of everybody. Sohe was like, it is what it
is. You know. There aretimes that I feel like less of a
of a provider for my wife,and I think about that all the time
when I'm around my father in law. It's not because of something he said,
it's just oh, he looks atyou himself, what is this pussy

(16:55):
doing? And get a real job. This is a real job. And
okay, tell my mom, tellmy family that not my wife's family.
No. So it's like I can'timagine then failing someone on such a horrible
moral level where you you can't lookat it that way. That's what she

(17:18):
is. Yeah, Okay, Imean, yes, you failed. Yes,
think they do it well if Iwas thinking about it, obviously not.
Maybe maybe my pain scenario is goingto give somebody pause being like,
oh god, what if she makesyou call everybody the no. But like

(17:40):
there's a difference, right if youhave a one night stand and then if
you have like a long like arelationship. Like yeah, like one thing,
like a one night stand in Vegashappened, you know what I mean.
You got drunk, you got control, Well you would have. You
would have been just as angry,of course. But like when you're when
you keep it going and then itgets emotionally involved and you're like, what

(18:04):
are you doing, dude? Likeit wasn't a one time thing. You
continue to make the same mistake overand over and then this was one of
the things I said to him,I go, you made a conscious decision
every single time you got in yourcart to go drive meet her. You
didn't think that you had a family, you know what I mean? So
that was different. Du oh,maybe she was a little emotional with her

(18:27):
one week old. Oh my god, hey, let me ask you this,
are you Are you with another mannow? Now I'm single, but
I'm like, I'm happy. Idon't need a man. So well,
but I mean you're dating, you'redating? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,

(18:48):
for sure, I'm dating. Andbut now like him, like me and
him are now like super amicable.I get along with her, his wife,
who is one of the women hecheat on me with. We have
family dinner, it's fine. Familydinners. Oh my god, I have
a kid with him. Yeah,yeah, I'll meet you in a parking

(19:10):
lot for drop. Is it withthe new wife too, or just her
children's father? What do you meanthe dinner dinner? No, she said
she has dinner with the wife.I didn't know family dinner meant the former
family. Yeah, no, youhave dinner with the wife. They live
in Dubai. Yeah, so whenI go there, we all like hang
out and have dinners together when shecomes here, so she'll bring my son

(19:30):
sometimes. My son is now inAbu Dhabi, so then he'll come over
here. She brings them sometimes andwe all go out. It's fine.
It's all I've angered out. Heyhas your kid? Has your kid eaten
at that new restaurant in the airportin Abu Dhabi? I don't think yet.

(19:51):
No, I mean maybe when hecomes the summer break. You never
know. She's yeah. No,Menino opened that thing up. All right,
Very good, very good. Iappreciate it, Thank you, ma'am,
Thank you you. How about that? I wouldn't make any demands there
something in Vegas? Can I goingto line one? Holy crap? Hi?
But everybody liked her everybody liked her. Everybody was mad at this guy

(20:15):
at first who made his wife call, and everybody's all go her, go
hurt Diane. I can. Ican give her a bit of a pass
because of the one week postpartum stuff. They had three kids. They had
three kids. Hi, who isthis? You're very loud? Hello?

(20:37):
Hello? Yeah? Hi? Who'sthis? Hey? Kevin? Real quick?
What can I do for you?Yeah? I mean if it had
been me, because I've cheated before, but I would have told her I'm
not making no call to respect youenough not to cheat one. You are
not going to respect you enough tocall anybody, so you're not staying together.

(21:00):
I feel like they would mesh.Well, all right, very good,
thank you, point counterpei. Youalways want to profess side. So
you're mad. You're mad at theguy who made his wife do it.
Here's the guy who's saying I'm notdoing it. Yeah, I mean,
now let's celebrate him. He didn'tneed no condition to reconcile.