Group Therapy: Why Does Sex Get Old?

A woman writes in for Group Therapy after her and her husband of 8 years have slowed down on having sex. She wants to know why it's getting old in her marriage and what she can do to spice it back up.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Ryan Shall, Jennifer's got a problemthat it's actually very Hi Jennifer, how
are you? I'm fine? Howare you good? Thanks for being on
the show. I admire your courageto be on the show to talk about
this and because a lot of peoplethat won't admit this, they know it's
true, but they won't admit it. Tell me what's going on and what

(00:21):
you need advice about? Jen Well, I have a question I think probably
a lot of people listening can relateto, and it's simple, why does
sex get old? I mean,I've been with my husband for eight years,
Mary for six, you know,at the beginning, like any couple,
I mean, it was so hot. We couldn't get enough of each

(00:42):
other. I mean, you know, on the couch while we were watching
TV, or we'd go out andwould really make it home before we were
ripping each other's clothes off. Mmhmm, you know, I mean on
the washer on the three season Courton the washer was the washer running at
question time? What makes it morestimulating? Okay, so you're going at

(01:07):
it all the time, right,yeah? Like wherever? I mean like
nothing was due outrageous. I meanwe were we were always careful and you
know, but yeah, just itwas pretty damn hot. So now we
barely petted each other. I meanmaybe like once a month or so,
and it's not hot. It's justlike a release, okay. So and
I think that happens. I mean, people will get married and get into

(01:30):
a relationship and it goes from likehot all the time to like, yeah,
you know what you want to do? You got time right now.
Now I'm tired, I just gotdone blah blah blah. But it is
now settled down to like barely atall. Yeah. Yeah, And I
mean I realized it wouldn't be hotforever, you know, but dang,
this really bumps me out. Imean, you know, we've tried spicing

(01:53):
it up with like lingerie, roleplaying and mixing it up here and there,
but it's still, you know,it's it's the same old us.
And I'm just wondering it's just justthe way it is, or aren't there
couples out there that just bang everyday until they're seventy and their hearts give
out? I mean, I know, I don't know. It is such

(02:17):
a common thing. It's kind oflike when you were eight years old and
you got a light bright that LightBright was the most thrilling thing that you
ever played with. It was soexciting, and then after you played with
it for like three or four times, it's like, do you want to
play light Bright? M I'm kindof tired, you know. Or you
got a brand new a sit andspin. Do you know what a sit

(02:37):
and spin is? Jenny, Jenny, No, Okay, Let's say you
got a bop it. You knowwhat a bopp it is? Yeah,
I play pop it on your footand you spin it around. You're going
like crazy. Or you get oneof those a ripstick. You get a
ripstick and it's like, oh,it's really cool. I really like my
Then after a while you don't careabout your ripstick. It's like anything.
And then they do say Jenn's like, oh, we'll try mixing it up

(02:59):
to try so lingerie or whatever.And role playing. I think role playing
is like I watched the show Suits, and when Lewis Litt and his wife
would role play, it was themost uncomfortable, weird. That is not
sexy, not my thing. Ican't imagine. Okay, I'm going to
be the teacher and you be thestudio. No, I just that's weird.

(03:19):
Okay, we're seeing an insight intowhat may or may not happen in
the bedroom for you. I likethat. I like, well, remember
I sleep in a different bedroom,so I will. I don't know if
I have any answers for you myself, Jenny, do you have any suggestions?
I feel like I'm not probably theright person to ask quite yet,
because I don't know that I'm thereat that point in my life yet.
I think that, yes, Iunderstand the hot and heavy right at the

(03:40):
beginning of a relationship, and thenit definitely slows down. And that's just
like natural, Like that's a verynatural progression because like at the beginning of
the pheromones are out of control,you just like can't stop, and then
you just like slow down a bit. But I think that if you start
off in your love life at aboutan eight or a night or a ten

(04:00):
and it cools off to a five, that ain't bad. You know that
ain't bad. Keep your tell youwhat, stay there, Jen, We'll
see what we got some answers foryou. Bailey, not our Bailey,
but another Bailey has got an ideafor you. Hi, Bailey, Hello,
what did you want to tell Jen? Who wonders if just like sex,
just gets bored and there's nothing youcan do about it. I mean,
I've been with my husband married onlythree but we've been together almost nine

(04:26):
years, and you just you justgot to keep it alive with playing beforehand,
not necessarily four play, but justyou know, touching and get some
toys and try different positions. Imean, I know she said you did
some of that in the beginning,but you just really got to keep it
alive and not just find it boring, Like you got to find that spark
with your partners. So I think, you know, I totally respect your

(04:47):
answer. I think sometimes for somepeople it's easier said than done, and
sometimes it's just the other person's likenot into that and they don't want to
try to mix it up and itmakes them feel self conscious or whatever.
But you've tried all of that,right, Jennifer Or No, Yeah,
we have. I try to,you know, whatever I could think of,

(05:09):
and it hasn't helped. What wouldbe a good role play thing DJ
versus record person, DJ versus concertpromoter. No, I don't know.
I don't know about that. Maybelike little animals, like like you're you're
the tiger I'm the bear. You'redisgusting. Thank you, Bailey, appreciate
it. Let's get we got textmessages. We do have some Uh.

(05:30):
One person says that I disagree.It just sounds to me like she's getting
bored with her husband. And Ithink sometimes that's it. If you get
a mental disconnect with your husband oryour partner, really you don't feel a
physical connect. It might be forthe release, but there's not the physical
correction. Maybe and someone else,I just feel like there might be a

(05:53):
lack of effort because I've been withmy husband for fourteen years and married for
thirteen and we don't have that problem. They don't give a solution to it,
but you could say effort. Iwill say that effort. Yeah.
Andrew and I did take this likesex quiz a couple months ago where it
was just like would you be intothis? Would you be into that?
And a lot of it was reallyextreme stuff that like we're just not going
to be into. But it showsyou the answers that you both said yes

(06:14):
to, and it really did showus certain things that like we've just never
had conversations about, and so Ifeel like that helped us out a little
bit. To spice things up becausewe just didn't know the other person was
into certain things. You know you'reinto that. Yeah, ye, I
can see Ginny Ripperter's shirt off.Like we go, Let's go, let's
go. Text messages. I likethis one. Keep dating your spouse,

(06:36):
Jennifer, you've both gotten too comfortable. Start dating your spouse again and things
will change. Start with flirty textmessages during the day, make a weekly
date night and non negotiable thing andget uncomfortable. Another one says, here's
your typical We get this every time, and I love it. I'm impressed.

(06:57):
My husband and I've been together fortwenty years. We do it daily,
sometimes twice a daily. What worksfor us is changed. Try all
the things because it's fun. You'lleventually find all sorts of things you didn't
know you liked. I think sometimeswhen you bring things up with somebody,
they're like, no, no,no, you discuss you disgusting pervert.

(07:17):
No, And then you're stuck doingthe same old thing every time because the
other person doesn't want to try things. But you gotta have that conversation.
If you're the person in the relationshipwho is interested in other things because you're
never going to know otherwise. Ithink it's true. Let me talk to
Chris for a second. Chris,you heard the dilemma on group therapy,
jen Is. I didn't ask howold jen is? Jen? Are you

(07:39):
in your thirties or your forties orhow old are you Jen? I'm totally
missed that one more time in yourthirties. That's kind of what I thought,
Chris, What did you want tosay? She says that her and
her husband have just lost pretty muchall interest in the love and does it
always get old? And what doyou think, Chris? It gets old
for a while but comes back.The problem is that women and men reach

(08:03):
their sexual peaks at different times.Men are in their late teens to early
twenties. Women don't reach it untilthey're in their thirties. So she's going
to be wanting it a lot morenow because she's hitting her prime and he's
just not there right yet. Butit comes back around, and it goes
into a base where they're on thesame page again. Okay, so it'll

(08:28):
come back around, kind of likewhen your teenager is really cranky and bitchy
from age twelve to sixteen. Butthen they come back around and they're very
sweet from like eighteen on up.I like that kind of like that more
text messages, try abstaining for alittle while. Sometimes it's important to miss
something in order to realize how muchyou appreciate it. How long is a

(08:52):
little while? Yea, here's anotherone that says it is one hundred and
ten percent effort. My wife andI have been together seventeen years. We're
thirty eight together. A long timeeffort to is what the key to this
is. She doesn't necessarily always liketo where I'm very active, so if
you will, so we have tofind that middle ground. I like that
one says my husband and I havebeen together nineteen years and married for eleven,

(09:15):
and we have realized that it's qualityover quantity. So I think that
there is always kind of like apressure put on to people of like how
much is the right amount of healthysex you're having in a relationship. But
I just feel like, no,I'd rather have really good sex once a
month versus mediocre sex multiple times aweek. Like That's how I feel about
it. Yeah, so it's susan, but we've never done either of them.

(09:39):
Yeah, okay, yeah, Hey, last comment for you and Basically,
there's just a lot of different ideas. This says we role play at
a local bar, like we're strangers. I buy her a drink from across
the bar and let her take meback to her place, which is our
place, after flirting and we've beentogether for nine years. I love that,

(10:00):
and I've heard couples that have donethat before. I will tell you,
Andrew and I would laugh so hard. We could never play that character.
It would that something like that wouldnot work for us. Here's what
would happen. We'd go to forexample, we would go to on Ike
since she would send to the barand I would send her a drink and
some other guy would beat me toit. She would leave with the other
guy and I'd be standing there talkingto the bartender the rest of the night.
I'm like, I get home laterthat night. I thought we were

(10:24):
role playing. She's like I wassince I would like I was single.
She doesn't get home till three becausethe bartender didn't get off till two.
Hey, Jen, I hope wehelped out a little bit. I think
that you definitely can do some things, but you got to do something,
Okay, Yeah, thanks you guys. You bet you got a group therapy,

(10:46):
send it into Ryan Show at kdwbat dot com.