Breaking Generational Barriers: Navigating Mental Health & Relationships

In this deeply moving finale of our Love & Mental Health series, host Nyomi Banks is joined by renowned psychologist Dr. Lori Beth Bisbee and resident therapist Dr. Will Washington for a profound discussion on generational trauma, family dynamics, and the urgent need to normalize mental health conversations. Together, we explore how unspoken family wounds impact love, vulnerability, and emotional safety in relationships today. From inherited silence to identity confusion, from cultural stigma to algorithm-driven stress—this episode doesn't shy away from the hard truths. Plus, we read a powerful listener letter about fear, family history, and the courage to break the cycle before having children. 🔔 Subscribe now and turn on your notifications to never miss a live taping or replay!
🧠 This series was created in partnership with Mental Health America. 100% of all donations go toward providing life-saving mental health resources. Support here: AskNyomi.com 📌 Don’t miss next week’s LIVE RECAP episode with Nyomi, Dr. Will, and Dogg Pound Mike Mike—where we take your questions and reflect on the entire 4-week journey. 🎧 Listen, Share, & Join the Movement!
🧠 Healing is generational. Love is intentional. Let’s bridge the gap—together. 📌 Topics Covered:

• Breaking generational silence around mental illness and trauma
• Emotional safety, self-trust, and relationship healing
• The impact of social media and misinformation on mental wellness
• Reclaiming identity after inherited pain
• Parenting after abuse: breaking the cycle for future generations

#MentalHealthAwareness #GenerationalHealing #LoveAndMentalHealth #AskNyomi #BreakingGenerationalBarriers #DrLoriBethBisbee #DrWillWashington #PodcastCommunity #RelationshipHealing #TherapyTalk #EmotionalWellness #SelfLoveJourney #BlackMentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #HealingTogether #TraumaRecovery #BreakingTheCycle #FamilyHealing #MindHeartBalance #MentalHealthPodcast #ParentingAndHealing 

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/ask-nyomi-bridging-the-gap-podcast--5343726/support.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:13):
Welcome to a podcast like no other, and get ready
for insightful conversations, diverse perspectives into touch of inspiration. This
is Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast. Join your host,
the dynamic Naomi Banks, as she delves into the heart
of various topics with a refreshing blend of curiosity and wisdom.
Each week, seeming As Naomi is joined by special guests

(00:34):
who bring their unique stories and expertise to the table.
It's a journey of discovery, learning and growing. And let's
not forget about the one and only Dog Pound in
My Money, adding his flavor and the player to the mix.
Together they make a dynamic or you won't want to.
This from thought provoking discussions to moments of laughter and joy,
and Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast offers a space

(00:57):
where great topics meet amazing guests. Mark your calendars, set
your reminders, and prepare to be entertained into life. Join
Naomi Banks and Dog Pound Mike weekly for an unforgettable
podcast experience. Get ready to bridge the gap, expand your horizons,
and immerse yourself in the world of asknaw Subscribe now
and stay tuned for a podcast journey like no other.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
All right, Hey, hey, my beautiful people, who welcome to
x Naomi Bridge of the Gap podcast Live. This is
what we talk about love, sex, relationship, cultural differences and
so much more of by bridging the gap between them
all and teaching the world on love, language, sex, language
attitude in.

Speaker 3 (01:36):
A little bit of spiritual uplist of.

Speaker 2 (01:38):
Lifting, lifting, Lifting, Well, I am your host, Namibanks, and
tonight marks our final theme episode for our Love and
Mental Health series for our Mental Health Awareness Month. You know,
every Thursday this May we have been peeling back the
layers on love, emotional wellness and healing, and tonight we
go deeper than ever. Tonight's thing breaking generational barriers. This

(02:03):
is where we are diving into how inherited trauma, silence, stigma,
and survival patterns that they affect the way that we
love and we live today. Well, if you just knew
here to this series, I want to tell you how
this whole series turned about. It begin with a letter
from a listener a few months ago that kind of

(02:26):
shipped to my core. He's a forty two year old
disabled veteran and he had wrote about just having problems.
He has PDSD. He was diagnosed with PSD and just
having problems. We're holding onto the relationships once he tell
the relationship that he was in that he had that
and so his last question to me was should I

(02:47):
up to the fact that I will be single forever?
And when I thought about that, I said, Wow, that's deep.
This is the letter that truly became the heartbeat of this.
And I remember giving doctor Willer call and said this
is something that we need to do. We need to
do a show on it. And I remember just moving
fast forward. I was like, okay, doctor will, We're going

(03:09):
to do it for a week. And I came back
and I said, no, we got to do it for
a full month. I said, we're gonna do it earlier
this year. I said, we're going to do it in May.
We're going to do it in May.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
He said, I got you. I got you.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
And so I went to a couple of my friends
that are publicists and I said, look, this is a
show that I want to do. I want to do
a great show for the whole month, and I really
want to tap into relationship, love, family that all has
to deal with mental health, because I believe this is
a conversation that is not talked about, that is not
talked about at all. And I think it's so much

(03:43):
stigma that comes with mental health that people want to,
you know, kind of sweep it under the rug. And
so one thing that I want to do it. I
don't know if any of our past guests are listening
right now. I want to thank them that have came
on and had shared their wisdom with us as well
as their knowledge and a professional but also you know,
we are breaking some more amazing guests on today. But

(04:04):
just last week, remember I shared with you all about
the Nebraska family, the Bailey Cock family. They had publicly
she was publicly sharing her husband, Journey Jeremy, that he
had severe, severe mental health struggles right and she had
created a gofunding to help with his TMS therapy after

(04:27):
four attempts to unalive himself well once he got out
of the program. This one particular day he had got home,
it was a few hours before a few hours before
his oldest son was to graduate out of high school,
and he had unlived hisself as well as his family.

Speaker 3 (04:47):
And so when right now we are doing a fundraiser.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
We are teamed up with Mental Health America and we
are asking for help. We are asking for the donation
to help families like that so we can help them
to get into programs like TMS therapy and other things
like that that don't have the funding for it. If
you guys have been watching, you know, I'm not a
political person at all, but you guys just watch what

(05:11):
just happen. There's a bill that will just pass and
that it possibly can interrupt some medicaid.

Speaker 3 (05:18):
Am I right?

Speaker 2 (05:19):
And that source is so you know, foundations and things
like this are why we need to donate, why we
truly whether it's five dollars, ten dollars or whatever, we
need to do. And this is just to help to
raise awareness for mental health awareness.

Speaker 3 (05:38):
All right, So before.

Speaker 2 (05:40):
We bring our yes to the stage, we're going to
take a quick break. All right, it's your gurty goudness,
let me bring see it or ax Naoma visionally got
podcasts and we'll.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
Be right back.

Speaker 4 (05:53):
Washington wells into two focuses on healing. Always for me,
if I look good, then I feel good. I feel good,
then I share the good. If I share the good,
then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate the good,
then I live the good. So I can be paid
to be my greatest. But I have to learn the
good to be the good. So what does it take

(06:14):
to be the greatest? It's as simple as a free
fifteen minute consultation. Be kind to yourself and you'll always.

Speaker 3 (06:27):
What are some that prevent people from age your good?
You guys?

Speaker 5 (06:31):
Not many Banks here from the Season and stuff Love Podcasts.

Speaker 4 (06:36):
Yeah, I would say remorse, So shame and guilt is
a very divided.

Speaker 5 (06:43):
And these are one of the many amazing conversations that
we have every day Monday and Friday right here in
the season and podcast with myself now and we Banks
as well as a resident therapist doctor Will Washington, Washington
Wells Institute.

Speaker 4 (07:00):
Come by reality of our relationship to come by a
lot of times that's afraid of how people will look
at us and so that compassion can't enter. You can
hit us a little real.

Speaker 5 (07:09):
Season of some love podcasts dot com This.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
With the truth. Is it all right? Be beautiful? People
will Welcome back to ax Naomi bridging a gain podcast.
I am your host, Domy Banks. I'm here with Don Mike.
What's going on? Are you ready for this conversation?

Speaker 6 (07:28):
Yes, We're gonna hit a wonderful month for quality guests
and all the information that we've shared and and everything
we have learned. So this this show, this week should
be just like the rest of Ready, ready to get
started with.

Speaker 3 (07:38):
It, right.

Speaker 2 (07:39):
And so before the break, I had mentioned about, you know,
making a donation, make a donation to ax Naomi dot com.
One hundred percent of all proceeds go to the Mental
Health American Wellness Yeah, yeah, yeah, goes to that, Yes,
go to one hundred percent.

Speaker 3 (07:56):
So I know, you guys see me wearing these T
shirts right here.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
This is a part of our mind and Heart program
that we actually were going through te spring. And I
got a couple of emails, and I just want to
be very honest with you all. We've got a couple
of emails from people who had actually purchased their T shirts,
but I have not received their T shirts as of yet.
As I was doing deep research yesterday, I found out

(08:22):
that there was a big hole for months that's on
T shirts. So right now we're gonna put a hold
on those T shirts. So I'm actually trying to get
in touch with my with my webmaster. Now she's over
there and actually she's over there in England, so I'm
ready for her to respond to me back so she
could take that information down.

Speaker 3 (08:42):
And we can just go from there.

Speaker 2 (08:43):
So I'm working on where we can have them here
and we can be able to do with ourselves like
I did right here, and then all those proceeds we
were takeing just donated directly to them as well. But
if you had went to our all Naomi, things stop,
don't do it anymore. Just stop right now, because right
now there is supposed to be a hold on her

(09:03):
for months and that's just not right.

Speaker 7 (09:06):
That's just not right.

Speaker 3 (09:07):
I can, you know, do it like that? All right?
So we are back. We have some amazing guests today,
and I am so excited for this first one.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
For this first one is coming up an amazing woman
that she don't know, but I've been following her for
quite some time now and I am just honored that
she is here. But let me tell you, listeners, my
BGG crew, is that this is definitely special. You know
why because she's just coming fresh off of major surgery
and she is in.

Speaker 7 (09:35):
London and it is two eight am in the morning.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
She thought this conversation was that important, that that important
to share her insights, that her knowledge here from her recovery.
There we have the amazing beautiful doctor Lori Beth Busney.
She is a psychologist, a trauma and intimacy educator, author
a Relationship Diversity at a Kid, and her work has

(10:02):
helped people reclaim their identities and desire at the trauma.

Speaker 7 (10:06):
Well hello, doctor.

Speaker 8 (10:08):
Bisby, Hey, how are you? I'm all right, I'm all right.
I'm getting used to doing stuff from the bed. Not
really fast flood.

Speaker 3 (10:19):
Well, truly, we are honored to have you here with me,
and I feel special. I'm not gonna lie. I'm happy
to be here.

Speaker 8 (10:27):
I'm in Scotland now, by the way, I'm not leaving anymore. Yeah,
I'm in Scotland up here Edinburgh.

Speaker 2 (10:33):
Well, I really feel special now hey, and you all
know you all know my other main name.

Speaker 3 (10:42):
Doctor Will Watching our resident therapist. People like the counselor.
A clinical hypotherapist is like a delicate assist, the.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
Therapy leader, advocate of trauma recovery, in emotional or what's
going on?

Speaker 4 (10:53):
Doctor Will Hay has goe see you doctor Bisbee?

Speaker 3 (10:58):
All right, I see we twin.

Speaker 4 (10:59):
Hate all right. I told you I find my SHIRTA
get this shirt. Let's get this shirt, not taking this
away from me.

Speaker 3 (11:09):
All right, my beautiful.

Speaker 2 (11:10):
People, and I see my BTG crew, and now I
want to thank you all for just continue to support
us here now, but don't forget to go hit that
button on donate and asks Naomi dot Com like I
told you. If it's two dollars, five dollars, ten dollars,
twenty five dollars, whatever it.

Speaker 3 (11:24):
Is, let's do, let's help, let's push that. Okay, all right,
So I got a question for my listeners here.

Speaker 2 (11:31):
All right, let's talk about how family legacy shapes aren't
emotional life. My first question to our listeners is did
your family openly talk about mental health when you were
growing up? Yes, somewhat, no or only after crisis?

Speaker 3 (11:50):
That is our question.

Speaker 2 (11:52):
All right, So, doctor, doctor bisons, how is generational silence?
How does that affect mental wellness?

Speaker 8 (12:03):
It really deeply affects mental wellness because we learn from
the environment that we're in, and if people aren't speaking
open and openly and honestly, children just absorb and they
don't know how to process what they're absorbing. Especially when
you look at relationship patterns, you just watch people repeat
the same patterns of the generations before, even when they

(12:28):
are determined not to do so, talking about it makes
it much easier to make choices and to do things differently.

Speaker 7 (12:37):
So it's a really big impact.

Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yeah, why do you feel and this is a question
for both of you, why do you feel that they
don't talk about it?

Speaker 3 (12:46):
Is it because they don't know how to?

Speaker 8 (12:51):
I mean, yeah, I think that's one thing. And I
think depending on your cultural background, there's lots of taboos.
So I've been living in the UK for thirty four
years now and people here don't talk about feelings as
a rule. I mean it's changing, but as a rule,

(13:12):
you keep those things to yourself and you keep quiet.
And so you see, I've seen a lot of people
with generational trauma passed down from World War Two, parents
who had fought, with parents who had lived through the Blitz,
grandparents who had lived through the Blitz, and grandparents who
had fought, and nobody talked about the mental health issues

(13:34):
that came up as a result of living through all
of that.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
The one did you want to add on to that?

Speaker 4 (13:42):
Yeah, I would say I focus on legacy burdens and
we talk about that a lot in ifs. But you know,
you think about the rules that you have learned that
were never yours, never passed down to you, and so
there's so much rules that you have to break in
order to find yourself again. And we even talk about

(14:04):
the epigenetic approach as well about there are just some
traits that we have learned that were a part of
our survival, right and it wasn't seen as a negative thing.
It was just seen as a part of this is
how we have to live.

Speaker 8 (14:16):
This is you know, we don't have time for that,
and particularly now with everything going on in the world.
So I'm seeing a resurgence of that. I'm feeling it
other people that I know, anybody who's who's part of
a marginalized group at the moment is feeling that.

Speaker 7 (14:36):
And so all of that kind of survival stuff.

Speaker 8 (14:39):
It comes out to the four Yeah, and if we're
not careful, that takes over in a way that it
doesn't actually help us.

Speaker 4 (14:49):
Yeah, And I honestly to go further with that, you know,
there used to be like racial collective trauma, Like there's
a collective black trauma, collective, white trauma, collective, Iris trauma,
there's collective. But now this is a collective world. Trauma
that there is no more, there's no more, there's a
black wave, there's a white ways like this is actually
we're all experiencing this collective trauma generationally as a people,

(15:13):
and it's crossing over all our generations X, the millennials,
the baby boomers, and we're all being affected by it
all right now. And so this is a new experience
that all of us are going through.

Speaker 3 (15:26):
Yeah, let me ask you all this.

Speaker 2 (15:29):
I had a conversation with a guest from my other podcast,
and we were talking about how COVID, how COVID was
more of kind of triggered a lot of I mean,
everything was going on with mental health, but it's kind
of triggered to where it became so broad and so
universal because the whole world was locked down for almost

(15:50):
over a year, something that we thought would never happen.
Do you think that could possibly be the why everything
is so fool and so intertwine now versus where you said,
doctor will, everything was more separate.

Speaker 8 (16:07):
I think that's part of it. But I actually think
social media is really the reason that everything And and
I hate to say this, so I'm older, so people like,
well you're older, you know, at social media has done
more ills than good in my view, and I think
that part of what's going on now is down to

(16:29):
the fact that people live in echo chambers that they
get They don't know how to think critically and check sources,
so they get news and even mainstream news is not
dependable anymore either, so they're getting their information in all
these odd places. And then you add the generational trauma
in which is where we started this, the stuff that's
been passed down from our families. You know, generational trauma

(16:51):
includes its own set of biases and all of that,
so you get all of that coming down, and I
think that's why things have read so much. I don't
think COVID helped. I mean, I think being locked down
for many people was unhelpful. But there's actually a lot
of people who have mental health issues found COVID and
being locked down to be a relief.

Speaker 2 (17:13):
Right.

Speaker 8 (17:14):
People with serious anxiety were like, oh my god, I
don't have to people thank you so much, and the
entry has been hard for them.

Speaker 4 (17:22):
Yeah, I agree, And honestly, my whole research was based
upon physicians during the pandemic, So my dissertation was on
moral distress during the pandemic. On physicians, and that's how
I found out the cycle that we were all experiencing.
But it wasn't just physicians, we were culturally socially and unfortunately,

(17:44):
I agree with you. I believe that social media created
this type of like not even a container.

Speaker 3 (17:51):
It was.

Speaker 4 (17:51):
It was like a cage right where we were windows
shopping trauma and not even realizing what was happening, you know,
and in this and I think now that this is open,
we're realizing, like, well, what do we do now with them?
People still think we're done from COVID. We're actually now exiting, right,
We're exiting the pandemic right now. I'm not even talking

(18:13):
about resolving. Yeah, we're still living hours and times and
expectations that were still a part of the pandemic. So
we don't have don't know what to do with it.

Speaker 7 (18:23):
Yeah, I mean it's interesting for me.

Speaker 8 (18:25):
I've got autoimmune disease, so I was I was one
of those people who was very locked down during the
initial you know, the first year, and when I started
venturing out, I still mask in public always, and I
get every booster that I can get because and I've
had COVID twice, right, and I got because I well,

(18:47):
because I go out and speak in large groups of people.
That's the only time I do all of my client
work via video. And the times that I'm with people
aside from some social stuff, which is vastly reduced since
this pandemic is when I'm when I'm getting speeches and talks,
and I got really, really ill. So I'm really careful

(19:11):
to try to minimize that. And people are still traumatized.
They don't know how to go out and socialize, they
don't know how to move amongst groups of people anymore.
It's it's it's actually it's actually pretty intense. And I
don't know that anybody. I mean, I'm really your research
sounds really cool. I want to read that, by the way, please,

(19:33):
I got you, please.

Speaker 7 (19:36):
But I don't think that people are talking about this enough.

Speaker 4 (19:39):
Yeah, no, they're not at all.

Speaker 8 (19:41):
They're not talking about the skills that people need in
order to adjust to a new world.

Speaker 4 (19:46):
The amount of skills that had declined and and deteriorated
right like like like there are there are no more assistants.
There are normal workers and laborers in office fields. It's
to get it is to get somebody to do so
material work is not it's a it's a it's a
skill that's not there even service industry, that is a
dying skill. It was always assumed because we're so socialized

(20:10):
right now, this is an actual skill that people are
not actually creating anymore. It's so it's wild.

Speaker 3 (20:16):
Wow, Wow, did you have something to say?

Speaker 6 (20:19):
You know, you guys kind of answer. I mean, I
hear the question. It was about the social media side
of it too. But don't you guys think that with
social media as well, that it gives everybody outlet to
say something. You get everybody outlet to put their comment
on any issue. And some people look at some of
these social media people got love. They look at them
as experts, you know, and they just can say anything

(20:42):
that they want to do. I think that adds more
more stress to the whole situation with.

Speaker 7 (20:49):
I so agree.

Speaker 8 (20:50):
I cannot tell you how frustrating it is for somebody
I've been you know, I've been doing what I do
for thirty eight years. I cannot tell you how for
fustrating it is for me to see somebody who's got
no training and no experience spouting off to their five
million followers stuff that I know is not only utter
rubbish but is dangerous rubbish.

Speaker 4 (21:13):
So it's so frustrating. It's so frustrating.

Speaker 7 (21:16):
There's no way to interact with that.

Speaker 8 (21:18):
You know, you just keep speaking the truth, and you
keep speaking the truth, and you hope that people hear you. So,
I mean, on the one hand, I think it's a
relief for people to feel like they're heard, so that
anybody can say what they want to say. But on
the other hand, you get a lot a lot of
misinformation and people, you know, people are are keyboard warriors.

(21:41):
They forget that there's humanity of the people that they're
who's post their commenting on. Yeah, and the horrible things
that people say. I mean, it's wild that people feel in.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Bold and.

Speaker 8 (21:56):
Yeah wid yeah, TikTok is notorious. You know, I report,
you know, I report for violations. I stop doing it
because they never find a violation. People can say the
most horrible, hateful, disgusting things and it comes back, oh,
no violation.

Speaker 7 (22:15):
It's just like.

Speaker 4 (22:17):
Yeah, yeah, h And can I just say that It's
not only is it hard to see that, but now
we're getting into an era where the algorithm is more
important than anything. There's an algorithm, this cloud of resource
that tells you what you're going to see, how you
can see, how well you're going to be able to

(22:38):
be seen. I have no control over the algorithm other
than pouring into it, no different than any type of
capitalistic society, right, and I'm hoping that it's going to
give me something back. And so now I'm putting all
my investment, time, my energy, my mental health into this
algorithm that's going to determine if I'm going to be
financially sustainable or seen or heard. And I have to

(22:58):
live by an algorithm, maybe by whom, by what, what's
and so and so the relationship is mute, right that,
there's there's no there's no real functional relationship in this.
But my life is dependent upon an algorithm.

Speaker 8 (23:13):
Now that and also then then in the communities that
are created can be beneficial. I mean, one of the
things that's nice is to be it for people to
be able to see, particularly people suffering with particularly with
with more fringe mental health issues or or more fringe

(23:33):
sexualities or more fringe desires, to see that they're not alone,
that there are other people like them. Is positive, but
it can also be a big negative. And it's just
so hard it's so hard to see that and to
know that when you combine that with the algorithm, then
it's even less control.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, I agree, Yeah, you know, that's that's something very hard,
you know, because I'm going to do it on two
sides and once side. You see, especially when you're talking
about mental health and sexual abuse and stuff like this,
you do see a lot more people that's able to
speak on social media about it because they're speaking to

(24:12):
people that don't know them, you understand what I'm saying.
And as with the algorithm, it goes out to people
that don't know them or whatever and kind of come
together and kind of give them that support that they
might need that they can't be able to speak to
their family members.

Speaker 3 (24:27):
About it, you know.

Speaker 2 (24:29):
Or better yet, some people say, well, shame their family
members of coming in and doing something or taking accountability
for what has happened within their family what calls the
mental distress or the sexual abuse or anything like that.
And so I hear you when you say, doctor Bisbee
about it could be a plus and you know, a

(24:50):
minus of it, because that's how that's how the world is.
But one thing is that I do love with social
media because it does give the voiceless of voice to
be able to speak. You know, I just wish that
people were more responsible when doing it when they have
those platforms a five million people that they really do

(25:10):
get do their research or better yet, go get people
like you two to come on in and speak and talk,
you know, because you guys know language that I do.

Speaker 3 (25:19):
Not know and I ain't even gonna try.

Speaker 4 (25:24):
But the frustrating part about it is that mental health
specifically is becoming so socialized that they're abusing clinical terminology.
I use the word anxiety to doctor Lorie because when
I say, oh, they might be suffering from anxiety, what
I'm really saying is they're experiencing behaviors and traits of nervous's, worry, thoughts, concerns, uncertainty,

(25:45):
self esteem, self, I'm a list of all these things.
But it's just helping us to just move forward with
the language that we can understand the gravity of the
actual psychosis or the pathology that might be occurring. But
now people are like, oh, y, I got so much anxiety,
and it's like, you don't have anxiety. You didn't prepare
for your day, You're lazy and you need to wake
up earlier on time. Right, don't you're not you don't

(26:07):
have anxiety? Oh oh, I have imposter syndrome. No, you're
suffering from white white oppression and you feel like you
have to living in a capitalistic society, and you're outperforming
your ability, and you're not organized. You needed more organization skills.
Get a life coach, don't get a therapist, and so
and people are not like clients are being more enabled
to being more bullies towards therapists. Now, it's why it is.

Speaker 8 (26:30):
But also and also we've got the problem with identity
politics now as well.

Speaker 7 (26:34):
So now things that.

Speaker 8 (26:38):
You don't want a mental health label as your identity.
I mean, for a million years, I've said to people.

Speaker 4 (26:45):
It is my superpower, you know.

Speaker 8 (26:47):
I mean, I'm like, for a million years, I've said
to people, excuse me, you are not depressed. You have depression.
You want to say you are depressed because then you're
being that right. You don't want it to be part
of you because when it's part of you, it's very
hard to change. People don't shift things that they see
as part of themselves. Now I've got people walking around

(27:08):
with thirty five different labels.

Speaker 3 (27:11):
I'm neurodivergent, you.

Speaker 8 (27:13):
Know, flying a flag, and I'm like, this isn't a
badge of honor. This is something that gives you issues
in society.

Speaker 4 (27:22):
Right.

Speaker 8 (27:22):
You can you can actually pick up some skills so
that you can lessen the impact of that and you
can have the special perspective it gives you, which is
the positive part. But when you make it an identity
and then you demand that the world changes to suit you,
that's a failure game.

Speaker 7 (27:39):
You're going to fail.

Speaker 4 (27:40):
It's such a failure game. And I think unfortunately they
don't use that with the medical model, right, Like you
you don't see me walking around being like, ooh, I
feel so osteoporosis today, Ooh I'm feeling stage four cancer
to day, Oh my goodness. Like no one says that
out loud, nobody speaks that way. No one speaks these things.
So why would you do with mental health symptoms and

(28:01):
expressions and diagnosis, right, And it's just we're we're abusing
these terms beyond our own knowing and we're becoming these
things that are not real. And that's so hard.

Speaker 8 (28:12):
I love listening to people and this is tongue in cheek.
I do not this is sarcasm watching the million relationship
and now there are some really good coaches out there,
but I'm going to put coaches in air coas quotes
or how about relationship influencers as opposed to coaches, right,

(28:33):
I one brilliant relationship influencers who are talking about narcissistic people.
They're a narcissist, and that one's a narcissist and this
one's a narcissist. I'm like, you don't even know what
the term because they're talking about it not in the
vernacular like you can say, hey, I'm being I know,

(28:54):
i'm being selfish, I'm being a bit narcissistic. That's an
appropriate use, right, But they're doing it like an diagnostic way,
Oh he was a narcissistic partner or whatever.

Speaker 7 (29:03):
They don't even know what it means. They don't know
what it looks like.

Speaker 8 (29:06):
They don't know what actual narcissistic personality looks like.

Speaker 7 (29:11):
It's like, no, that's not helpful.

Speaker 8 (29:13):
It's not helpful to have a hundred million people in
your following calling their parents narcissistic and saying they're survivors
of narcissistic abuse, and.

Speaker 4 (29:22):
What does that make you? When then people say they're
a narcissist. My like, my boyfriend's a narcissist. I go,
then what were you? And they don't know, And they
don't know because they've never understood, like for you to
allow yourself to be a victim of a narcissist, you
also are a part of that codependent cycle. So what

(29:43):
are your behaviors and traits? What were you conforming to?
At the same time, you don't want to talk about
emotional accountability, right, so I'm often.

Speaker 8 (29:55):
Not sure that people have those skills, which takes you
back to the original topic. And I think that that's
one of the real problems is that we don't teach
We don't teach kids how what their emotions are. We
don't give them feeling words, like real feeling words, we
don't teach them how to manage their emotions. We don't

(30:16):
teach them self soothing skills a lot of the time
in any kind of a formal way.

Speaker 7 (30:22):
So it's luck of the draw.

Speaker 8 (30:24):
Depends on your family, and there's loads of disordered families
out there, and so the negative coping skills get passed
down generation to generation to generation, which is it actually
wouldn't be that difficult to change that. That's one of
the reasons why it frustrates me. I stand on a
soapbox on this all the time.

Speaker 6 (30:46):
You know.

Speaker 8 (30:47):
I wrote a book, a self help book for people
who are survivors of gaslighting and trauma, which is essential
life skills, right, And it's just a little short book,
just trying to teach things like reality testing and self
soothing and you know, just basic skills that you need

(31:09):
if you're.

Speaker 7 (31:09):
Going to manage your own emotions.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 8 (31:12):
Yeah, And people who have been traumatized over generations either
shut down emotionally and they don't express or they look
to the rest of the world to manage their emotions. Yeah,
they express without like they don't think they have the
control to be able to calm themselves or to be

(31:34):
able to manage things, or to be able to change
those Well, I feel this way.

Speaker 7 (31:39):
It happened to me, and so that's what it is.
It can't change. It can't change. Well, that happens, So
that can't change, which is actually a true statement.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
Right.

Speaker 8 (31:49):
You can't change the past, but you can actually process
it so that it's not in the present anymore. You
don't have to carry it into the present with you
and on into the future. But it's these kinds of things.
It's similar to the identity stuff. It's these things that
shut down the ability to work through things and then
isolate people in these really horrible, unpleasant mental states.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
Hmm, I see dog pound Mike might behind the boards
doing his hand in the way.

Speaker 6 (32:20):
Yeah, something to say, you know something, I want to
ask all three, all three of your question, because all
three have much more experience than me.

Speaker 3 (32:27):
I'm a little older and I come from back to
the day where you was just crazy.

Speaker 6 (32:32):
Now mental health is an issue because a lot of
celebrities that came out, you know, I know it tended
to they having mental health issues, and what do you
feel like through social media and through society they do
almost like they made it popular. I mean the number
one song out here is anxiety, and it's now it's
like it's popular now. So you think a lot of

(32:54):
people I just take you, I got anxiety, I got this,
I got that, and look at it as like like.

Speaker 3 (33:00):
They've given theyself alf a self diagnosis.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
Like it's like what doctor Grisbee said. She was like
like they was like it's a flag of honor to have,
you know, those certain things. If you really knew what
anxiety is, you wouldn't say that. Like when you literally
are your body shut down and you can hear everything
around you and everything is dark and you feel like
you're having.

Speaker 3 (33:22):
A heart attack.

Speaker 2 (33:23):
These are the size of anxiety, you know, when you
had to pull up on the side of the road
because everything has shut down, you know.

Speaker 8 (33:31):
Yeah, I mean, I do think that that the tendency.
You know, Google has a lot to answer for me.
I think, on the on the one hand, it's wonderful,
and particularly if you've got any kind of a chronic illness,
and particularly if you're in a female body and you're
you're having to deal with medical professionals. If Google didn't exist,

(33:55):
if you couldn't go via Google and go to things
like pub men and read actual research, you'd never get
anything done and you wouldn't get any treatment, right, I'm
just saying. So there's great things about being able to
look things up and being able to get information, but
the amount of self diagnosis that goes on by people
who refuse to see a therapist and people who refuse

(34:18):
to see a coach, and that's where the problem is.
You know, they do the self diagnosis and they say,
I mean, I see this a lot here with waiting
lists because we have socialized medicine here, but waiting lists
are ridiculous. So you get people who are doing let's
say ADHD, because it's a common one. They diagnose themselves

(34:39):
with ADHD and then they don't want to go to
the doctor, like they're like, I don't need to go
to the doctor. I know what I have and I
can get the drugs in another way, and they self
medicate as well.

Speaker 7 (34:54):
So I do think that.

Speaker 8 (34:59):
That it's big because it's become more visible, people do
more self diagnosis. But there, I mean, I know what
you mean by saying in the old days people were
just crazy because I'm older as well. But there were
always people and there were always diagnoses there, you know,
it just wasn't as known or talked about, right mm hmmm,

(35:23):
because you didn't have access to the information so much,
you didn't have the opportunity to self diagnose.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, So let's get deep down
into this interview now. You know, we're gonna explore the
intersection of inherited believes trauma in relationship dynamics. So I
do have a question, how do unspoken family trauma shape
love and vulnerability.

Speaker 8 (35:51):
I'm gonna say it depends on the trauma. I mean,
I think they always will shape the way that we relate,
but particularly when they're family traumas that do have to
do with sex and relationships, then they really intensely can
shape the ability to trust and to be vulnerable.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
Doctor will.

Speaker 4 (36:24):
Just do like a brief exercise, right, so like close
your eyes and I want you to think about this word.
I'm about to say, family, who shows up? Are they good?
Are they bad? Are they yours? Are they blood? That

(36:48):
moment alone is what's happening in our society today. We
understood who our family were back in the day, we
understood family was very simple. We are so fragmented in
so many ways now. So when you said that, you
know it depends on the trauma. Yeah, And I say

(37:09):
family health is one of the eight healing modalities that
I create in my healing modality. And it's not just
about who your family is, about how your family got
to this point.

Speaker 9 (37:17):
Right.

Speaker 4 (37:17):
If you don't understand this narrative of how your family
got to this point, you are just along the river
of that, right. Yeah, it's so longer on bloodstream. It's
a river now.

Speaker 7 (37:29):
I mean, I.

Speaker 8 (37:30):
Always say to people you can't break patterns until you
can really see what the pattern is. And it's often
not the obvious thing. It's not the little packed story
that you were given that was three sentences, right, you know,
or that you know all they've been telling this story
and the family for years and years and years. There's
usually a whole bunch of stuff that you know, you

(37:51):
don't know, and you're not being told, and so you
think the pattern is one thing, mm hmm, and it's not,
and you will just eating it until you understand exactly
what got you there.

Speaker 7 (38:05):
And you unpack that.

Speaker 8 (38:06):
But also it's I think also what you were saying,
correct me if I'm wrong. Family support, however you define family,
is also really important in healing. Yeah, and we're fragmented now,
so we don't People don't have the support networks that
they particularly met, don't have the support networks that they

(38:26):
used to have.

Speaker 4 (38:28):
Yeah, it's Facebook now, right, people have Facebook for family,
right and sometimes communities.

Speaker 3 (38:36):
Right.

Speaker 4 (38:38):
If you want to know what your uncles and all
them are doing, they go on Facebook to check on
your life, don't You don't call them anymore? On Sundays.
Excuse Mitchell. Okay, oh they graduate Okay, you like that? Okay,
Oh someone posted someone in the casket. Oh many, Now
that was a wild thing. I used to people. Please
stop posting dead people on Facebook. Please stop. That's a lot. Yeah, yeah,

(39:03):
we gotta stop doing that. Like I don't want to
know my cousin, Like you need to call me for that.
And so there's so and so there's no there's not
even etiquette anymore.

Speaker 1 (39:10):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (39:10):
Oh yeah, there's no more etiquette. There's no online etiquette
for even family and relation. So that's why that's a
that's a hard question because family so fragmented.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
Now, yeah, so this will go to my next question,
and you kind of sit a little bit on doctor
Bisby about how can break in silence transform future generations?

Speaker 3 (39:31):
Breaking the silence? How can we do that?

Speaker 2 (39:34):
And I know you said sometimes people don't even know
the full story of it. How can we break that?

Speaker 8 (39:40):
We need to learn just to communicate, We need to
learn to talk openly and honestly. And the only way
you can do that is if you look at you first.
Part of the reason that people are silent is that
they don't even know themselves. They don't have the words,
they don't have the language. I can't tell you the
number of people grown people in therapy that I've ended

(40:03):
up having to teach feeling words too.

Speaker 7 (40:05):
I remember one client.

Speaker 8 (40:07):
Who just stays with me and will stay with me
till the day I leave this earth, who looked at
me and said, I said, you know.

Speaker 7 (40:16):
What I noticed, you don't use any words for feelings.
What feelings do you think you experience? And she said.

Speaker 8 (40:27):
Anger, laughter, That's all she had in her in her words,
it was either funny or it was something that enraged her.
That's all she had, you know. And there was a
feeling wheel that we used to do with kids, because

(40:49):
I did some teaching for a while. We used to
do with kids with all different grades of feelings, all
the different types of feelings kids, Yeah, the colors. You
would teach kids about what is my feet? What does
this feel like to you? And you would give them
loads of examples to try to get them emotionally literate.
And I'm doing this with adults sometimes because the language
isn't there.

Speaker 7 (41:09):
So it's first.

Speaker 8 (41:10):
I think, first you need to know what you're feeling,
and you need to make connections in order to break
in silence in order to have a conversation, and then
people need to be willing to be vulnerable.

Speaker 3 (41:22):
Yeah, you know, I'm glad that you say that. That's why.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
That's one of the reasons why I talk about self
love so much, because I don't think people really understand
the true meaning of what self love is. It's an
intimate relationship with yourself. Is knowing who you are, not
what people say who you are, but really going deep
down and knowing who you are, What are your values?

(41:46):
What does that mark on your arm? You know, how
did you get that, the scars that you have? How
are you using those experiences as tools for your life
right now in this moment and further on.

Speaker 3 (41:58):
That's something that I know.

Speaker 2 (41:59):
I talk about it and doctor Will jumps right on
with me over there on our podcast, the Season and
Stuff Love, because I think once we start to make
it known, like self love is a part of our foundation,
that is where the core of everything happens. So we
got to give them, like you said.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
The emotional words, the emotional intelligence of teaching them.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
I do this every day Monday through Friday till we
take different series and break them down like piling the onion.
And we sometimes we repeat and do things over and
over and over again because we're teaching. We're teaching them to.

Speaker 3 (42:34):
Unlearn, Yes, the emotions that.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
You've been taught or the things that you've been taught,
so you can dig down and find.

Speaker 3 (42:41):
Out what's really you? Who are you? Who am I?

Speaker 2 (42:45):
What's the definition of Naomi? What's the definition of doctor
Will Washington? What's the definition of lord business?

Speaker 3 (42:52):
You know, what is your definition? What are your values?
What are your adjectives? What are your emotions?

Speaker 2 (42:56):
You know what I'm saying, and so what I think
a lot of people don't see it that way. I
love how you said. The woman has said just anger
and laughter?

Speaker 7 (43:05):
That's it?

Speaker 3 (43:07):
Only two words? What else? What? What is what holds
of soul? Yeah?

Speaker 8 (43:12):
You know, anger has you know, I can think of
off the top of my head, fifteen twenty words for
different types of anger. They have different feelings that go
with them. Yeah, and you know, in her family, nobody
talked feelings. But when they were angry, they shouted, sometimes
they threw things, sometimes people got hit, and when they

(43:35):
were feeling.

Speaker 7 (43:35):
Good, they used to laugh. And that was that was
all that she had. She felt handed down to her.

Speaker 4 (43:43):
Mmm, I want I want to add something though. I
think when it comes to breaking the silence, there's three
things that should be considered. One is I'm normalizing the conversation. Two,
holding the space for forgiveness, and then also reconnecting.

Speaker 7 (44:12):
MM.

Speaker 4 (44:14):
A lot of times we don't defeat the stigma or
or we don't want to break the silence because we're
afraid of dismantling families. Right We're scared of what's gonna
happen to our family, what's gonna happen to the people,
what's gonna happen on Thanksgiving now? Or they're not gonna
be able to show anymore, or I'm going to be
not trusted, you know. And there's a lot of fear
around how to live after the noise comes right there,

(44:38):
and who's gonna protect me when the noise comes? Because
they've seen that their mother or their father also lived
in the silence and and and grew up in the silence.
So usually the parents aren't even ready for that.

Speaker 3 (44:50):
Yeah, well, that's one of.

Speaker 7 (44:51):
The hard bits.

Speaker 8 (44:52):
I think, you know it, you know, it's all well
and good for me to be talking to the person
sitting in front of me, telling them with their parents,
but their parents may not be ready to talk. But
I would encourage people. And this is from a personal place.
I lost my mom this year, and I had in

(45:12):
twenty thirteen, and I had the privilege of having six
months before she died of knowing that she was terminal,
and we had a very complicated relationship.

Speaker 7 (45:24):
So I purposefully made the time and effort.

Speaker 8 (45:29):
To get as much as she was willing to share
and to really repair things where we could, but also
to hear more of her story and the things that
she kept shut down, and for a safe space to
express that.

Speaker 7 (45:44):
Because I knew I only had that time, and I.

Speaker 8 (45:47):
Thinking about those things like if it feels too scary
to do it, there are professionals that will help.

Speaker 7 (45:56):
Hold the space.

Speaker 8 (45:57):
Hold space exactly, just facility hate the conversation. It's not
like long term therapy. I'm not saying, oh, you have
to go into long term therapy. I do this with
couples a lot more than families. You know, a couple
of sessions for difficult conversations, and literally that's all I'm
doing is I'm going to hold the space and help

(46:18):
make sure that each of you are able to express
yourself in the space and then help you reconnect when
the difficult part is done. You don't have to commit
to anything other than that. And there are lots of
professionals who are really willing and able to do that.
But I think that most of the time when people
think about therapists and coaches, they think about longer term things.

Speaker 3 (46:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (46:42):
Yeah, And I won't say that even when it comes
to break in the silence. Even my mother, right, like
me and her, Me and her like two p's in
the pie. We're so close. And she opened up about
all the trauma that she went through right during a
marriage with my dad and you know, before he passed
away way and before that, and hearing her trauma, hearing

(47:04):
her tell her story, it helped me understand why she
had so much anxiety and worryness, right, and it made
me end up becoming very hyper vigilant. I didn't know
why I was right, and so I didn't get her anxiety,
but I got the hypervigilance. Yes, right, right, And so
it's amazing how what is passed down. She may not
be the same thing, but it will be like the

(47:24):
result of what of what that does, right, And so
it seeing her tell her truth allowed me to live
my own and then she broke her silence, which forced
me to have and like we call that secondary healing
and my healing modality. And so it was like her
watching her heal allowed me to see the capacity and
capability of my own and so I think that was

(47:47):
like a true unlocking in my life.

Speaker 3 (47:49):
Yeah, you know, I love that. That's something that I remember.

Speaker 2 (47:53):
One of my old girlfriends, I remember having this conversation
with her about her children and her talking with her
children because she asked me, she said, did.

Speaker 3 (48:00):
Yoke girls know you? You did? Porn said, yes, they do.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
I have to tell them who I am because who
I am is a part of them, you understand, one saying,
So I have to tell them what my journey is
so they can understand some of my tics, because some
of my tics, it's going to be some of their
tics because just from experiencing seeing me do so I
want to make sure they know who I am and
they know who they are through my experience, you know.

Speaker 3 (48:26):
With that and why I chose to do that because
I didn't know my mom fully.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
I didn't know my mom fully until my father passed
away and she retired and she moved with me. Now
I'm her caregiver as she's going through dementia. And but I,
like doctor Will said, now I understand why all of
that what it is, and not only does it give
me compassion but also empathy for her, But.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
Then also I see some of my shit and her shit,
you know, So now I understand more of the definition
of who I am.

Speaker 2 (48:58):
So when we talk about you living in your authentic
self and being that, that is a true part of
breaking that generational silence, when you can be standing your truth.
Because one thing is that I do and I know,
is that a lot of times we don't know. My
parents didn't know, my parents' parents didn't know.

Speaker 3 (49:18):
Did none of them know? But now that we know better, Okay,
now we can do better.

Speaker 2 (49:22):
Now we could, as you say, whole space and have
it open to where Okay, my elder, let's talk about it.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
Why we like that.

Speaker 8 (49:30):
It's so funny because I have a twenty three year
old son and well not quite twenty three next month,
and I remember my mom was rather upset when she
realized that he knew about my first husband right, like
it was a topic we talked about and he knew

(49:51):
about the trauma I went through in school and he knew.
And she was like, you know, you didn't need to
teach him that, You didn't need to give him that,
And I was like, no, needs to be. He needs
to know who I am. He this is open, this
is an open house, so he knows where I came through.
I think part of that also is is that how

(50:12):
much you're telling, right, And that's what people worry about,
you know, how much do you share when when you
open up? How much do you share? I mean, of
course there are things I did not share with him
because they're not for him. But he knows my history
and how I became who I am and what I've
handed to him.

Speaker 3 (50:33):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, did you have something to say?
Knocko Mike Man.

Speaker 2 (50:40):
All right, so we're gonna go to the next question.
I think we kind of said a little bit on
a what do hmm, what do we need to understand anybody?
Emotional safety in self.

Speaker 7 (50:52):
Trust, m.

Speaker 4 (50:56):
That's wild, that's a wild question because that I think
emotion emotions are meant to be expressed, not and and
safety is something that is is either a force contained
or it's a or it's a it's it's a it's
a promise, or it's a goal, or it's a boundary,
or it's a type of crafted thing. So they have

(51:19):
this expression of emotion and it's say emotional safety. It's like,
you know, I tell people all the time, like I'm
not going to promise you with safe space. But what
I can say is I'm gonna be I'm gonna do
my best to be concerned about your wellness and make
sure that you don't harm yourself for somebody else. But safety,
I'm it's already hard enough for people to express emotion itself.

(51:45):
And I've been I've worked with cereal murderers and killers,
and I've been with some of the and the truth
is that the safety was never the issue, right And
I think that's the part that doctor Lsby. I know
you probaly have something to say about that, but I
just never seen the two connected.

Speaker 8 (52:07):
I mean, I think I think for me, it's more
it's it's not so locked safety isn't so locked down.
It's understanding that that I'm going to give you the
space to express what you need and that I can
manage whatever you whatever you need to express, Because I
think that's the place where a lot of times people

(52:29):
don't feel safe. They are very much afraid of their feelings.
If you're talking about self self expression, then it's that
it's you know, how many times do you hear I'm
sure you hear this many times you hear somebody say, well,
if I talk about it, if I look at it,
I'm never going to come back. I'm never coming back
from that place. And I and you know where I'm saying,

(52:49):
you need to trust that you will. I can help
lead you through that place. You know, I'll never be
the same. You're right, you will never be the same
bat I'm not. I'm not going to promise you you'll
be the same, right, but you will make it out
of that dark place that you're talking about. And there's
a lot of that, a lot of that anxiety that
and that worry that you know, if I open the

(53:11):
box right, I'm gonna get stuck. I'm going to end
up in the abyss.

Speaker 7 (53:17):
And that's it.

Speaker 8 (53:18):
So there's that from a a self perspective, but also
when when you're talking about talking to another human being,
it's really just about for me creating a space that
allows them the time to express.

Speaker 7 (53:35):
And to understand that I am not going to judge
them in that in that space, I'm not going.

Speaker 4 (53:48):
It's not a cost to your emotional expression, because in
our society, there is a cost to your emotional expression,
right if you say how you feel. You know, like
like we see on TikTok do they say some inappropriate
words and then it's inappropriate and then they go on
the next video saying I want to apologize for my actions.
I was just really just live in the moment, and

(54:09):
I hope you can like, like you have all the
words in the dictionary you could have chose, he chose
the most offensive ones for culture, for certain cultures specifically,
mm hmm. You're mad that you got caught, right, But
in the therapeuic situation, if you're saying these words, I'm
allowed that. I'm allow those things to happen. And then

(54:30):
I'm gonna be like, let's process it. Why did you
need that word?

Speaker 3 (54:33):
Yes?

Speaker 4 (54:34):
Right, why did you need that word?

Speaker 7 (54:35):
Tell me why?

Speaker 4 (54:35):
I'm curious?

Speaker 3 (54:36):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (54:38):
Absolutely.

Speaker 8 (54:39):
I don't want to shut them down because if I
if they're thinking about what they have to say to me,
you know, for me, it's like I want you to
say whatever comes to mind.

Speaker 7 (54:46):
Some of the stuff, some of the trauma work. I
do some of the techniques I use. I need you
to say whatever.

Speaker 4 (54:51):
Comes to minds got to.

Speaker 7 (54:54):
It's got to come out, and it helps me know
where you are.

Speaker 8 (54:56):
Even if what you're saying to me is Jesus girl,
why are you wearing that shit today? Or you look
awful or whatever it is, I don't care, because if
you've got it in your head and you're not expressing
it right, you're thinking about that and you're not doing
the work. So in that space, but I will later on,
I might circle around and say, yeah, that was a

(55:18):
really interesting word choice.

Speaker 7 (55:20):
Tell me what you think went into that? Where where
did that come from?

Speaker 4 (55:24):
I had the moment. I've had clients where they've said
the N word to me and I was like, and
I'm like, I'm like, I'm curious, why did you of
all the words you know, and me being your therapist
and you know, you being white, I'm curious, why did
you choose that word with me?

Speaker 3 (55:39):
You know?

Speaker 4 (55:40):
And they're like and they're like, I just I trusted you,
and I was just it just slipped out. I don't
know why. I'm like, let's slow down, let's do reading technique,
Let's learn this and also let me educate you on
what this word means, because a lot of times they
say these words and they don't understand the gravity of it.
They just because they've actually socialized it them selves, but

(56:00):
they don't understand the actual gravity of what it meant.
By the end of it, it changed their whole entire
perspective of their language of that and it made them
Actually the work was never even about the word. It
was the fact that they were afraid of being seen
for their real trauma. They use that as a front
to see how much I could really handle.

Speaker 7 (56:19):
Yep, Yeah, I am going to shock you.

Speaker 8 (56:22):
Am I going to shock you and make you and
make you come out of that space where you're holding
for me exactly And it means you can't hear it.
I have people that try, and particularly because I deal
with a lot of sexual violence is one of the
areas I deal with an awful lot, people will say
things to see if I'm going to look disgusted m hmm,

(56:42):
if it's going to be too overwhelming for me, you know,
and you know, just they test, are you are you
going to be okay with this?

Speaker 3 (56:50):
Right?

Speaker 7 (56:51):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (56:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (56:52):
They have to know because house would you howlse will
they know unless you they have to test you?

Speaker 7 (56:57):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (56:57):
You know right?

Speaker 3 (56:59):
You know?

Speaker 2 (57:00):
Well, thank you both for that, for the going down
the deep question. But now I want to share with
you all. I have a listener that wrote in a
letter you guys ready for this letter? Then I want
you guys to comment on a letter once I finished
with it. All right, she writes, Dear Naomi. She said,
I was sexually abused as a child by a family member.
He was known for this behavior, and I'm not the

(57:20):
only one, she said. I've lived with the fear of
ever having I live for the fear of ever having children,
because what if it happens to them?

Speaker 3 (57:28):
She said.

Speaker 2 (57:28):
My husband hasn't been abused, but he has family members
who were so for them, so some of them are
still around and active in our lives. We both want children,
but how do we protect our future child from a
generational curse we both carry.

Speaker 5 (57:47):
Wow.

Speaker 8 (57:48):
Unfortunately far too common, and this is where bringing it
out in the open has to happen.

Speaker 4 (57:58):
You you know it.

Speaker 8 (58:00):
It may not be possible to confront the the the abusers.
It may not be possible. If it's possible, it's a
good thing, but it may not be possible, or it
may not be a good thing. Sometimes depending on the
family situation, it actually is going to cause more harm
than good. But it needs to be talked about in
the open and need they need to work on their

(58:22):
trauma enough in order to know that they're going to
be able to learn protection skills because they won't have
them inherently. There will be missing protection skills as a
result of the way they were raised. So they need
to learn protection skills, and that might include things like this,
this person is never allowed alone with my children. And

(58:46):
if the family says something, to be able to say no, no,
I'm sorry. This is a non negotiable. It's a non
We all know about this family pattern, so it's not negotiable,
and there can be a lot of pressure, a ton
of pressure, even when even when the whole family knows.

Speaker 3 (59:07):
That's difficult. Did you want to say some doctor will.

Speaker 4 (59:10):
Yeah, I'll keep it very simple. Two things. So the
first thing is is normalizing the conversation about why, hey,
we don't mind them being on our family, but we
don't want them to be around individually because this is
what happened. We're okay, We're fine, we move right and

(59:30):
then the second thing is also checking yourself as a parent,
because you might actually end up giving what your child,
what you believe your child needs, versus what the child
actually really wants. Right, So, like a lot of times
parents will overstep how their children need to be safe
so much where they actually don't give them the actual reality,
like the kid doesn't know anything, The kids is completely innocent.

(59:53):
But then now they just see you being harsh about
every single thing. You're like, like, what is going on?
And so sometimes instead of having to be so helicopter,
it's actually just putting them in the environment that they
can thrive in rather than the container that you're trying
to protect them from. You know, and sometimes we sometimes
as parents will put so much of a protection that

(01:00:14):
we actually disable or enable other behaviors and traits that
could have been actually promising for the child itself. But
once again normalize it.

Speaker 8 (01:00:23):
Yeah, I mean I think, yeah, you normalize it, but
in part by talking about it. But also you know,
sometimes you don't be around certain people so you can
allow the child to thrive, so you're not having to
be protective over them.

Speaker 7 (01:00:35):
Now, you know, while this is a risk, we're not
going to be around you.

Speaker 4 (01:00:39):
Here's because the truth is not just about that family member.
That could be anybody, that could be the babysitter, that
could be a teacher, that could be another student, and
it's typically students, students or kids your age yep, typically right,
So you know, So my thing is is like, are
you educating about proper body technique? Are you creating the
language because the truth is that it's not going to

(01:01:00):
be I bet you it's not going to be him again,
or then again to be someone younger, or be someone
easier access or someone in the school or you know,
it's it's too common, Like you said, it's just too common,
you know, and and and you're.

Speaker 7 (01:01:13):
Right, like, are you giving them the language they need?

Speaker 8 (01:01:16):
Are you giving them the self love and respect for
their own bodies so that they learn how to say no, yeah,
and they and they feel comfortable going up to somebody
for help, and they know how to assess who they
can go to for help. So then you can allow
them to be kids because a lot of the time,
unlike when I was a kid, where we kind of

(01:01:39):
were left to our own devices.

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
A lot.

Speaker 8 (01:01:42):
A lot of the time kids are really managed. And
that as you were saying that doesn't really help. Yeah,
and also it doesn't prevent them, It doesn't prevent them
having the experience either.

Speaker 4 (01:01:55):
Right, Exactly, they always find you, you will never be
too good of a parent, right, You'll you'll never you'll
never be enough.

Speaker 7 (01:02:03):
Right.

Speaker 4 (01:02:03):
They're going to have to live and experience on their own.
You're not going to protect them from everything. No, and
that's the hard part to except.

Speaker 3 (01:02:12):
Yeah, well, thank you both for answering that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
And if the young lady that wrote in, if you
are listening right now, first of all, want to thank
you just being courageous just to write us in and
just sharing that part of the story with us.

Speaker 3 (01:02:23):
But also I think.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
Maybe you and your your husband probably need to just
go to counseling, either a life culture or a therapist
to actually help give you the skills to the very.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
Thing that doctor Bisbee was talking about.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
To kind of help you along the way so you
can make that right choice for that, because one thing
we don't want to do, we don't want to bring
a child into where we are feeling of anxiety. Excuse
my language, because I'm saying anxiety and stress and pressure
that we bring to that child. Because I know for
me as I've been had three pregnancies. In each one

(01:02:56):
of my pregnancies, my baby's like fast or in my
fear and my anxiety.

Speaker 3 (01:03:02):
So that's a very important thing.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
That's one thing that and I'm gonna talk to you
later about that, doctor will that I think that's something
that parents need to have, especially first time people that
are expecting that it needs to be a course or
a seminar or something so they can help nourish that
child wise in the womb. But I can lose in
what all of that means and what all that that is.
So by the time that baby is born, that is

(01:03:27):
something just new. We have a whole new language of
what our you know.

Speaker 3 (01:03:31):
Dynamic as a family is.

Speaker 2 (01:03:33):
So that means you yourself as a mother or as
a father, you go in and you get that help
for yourself as well, you know what I'm saying, So
you can find out what your foundation is on what
it is, and you come together and you have this
beautiful individual that now you have brought into the world
that's ready for whatever.

Speaker 8 (01:03:51):
It's also particularly important because chemically, biochemically, if you're stressed
the whole time, that's what the baby is getting and
there's a good research about what that sets.

Speaker 7 (01:04:07):
People up for. Yeah.

Speaker 8 (01:04:09):
You know, so it's if you can lower the stress,
if there's ways of doing that and taking care of that,
you set the baby up for better.

Speaker 7 (01:04:20):
Physiological situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:25):
Well, my beautiful people, Well, we have come to the
close of our show today. I want to tell you
my listener.

Speaker 2 (01:04:32):
First of all, I don want to thank you listeners
for I see you guys in the comments right here
and over there, and I thank you so much for
just being a part of this series.

Speaker 3 (01:04:39):
Myself, Doctor Will and dalcoun my mind.

Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
We will be back next week just doing a nice
little recap of all the four weeks.

Speaker 3 (01:04:47):
And Doctor Lorie, thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
So much for coming in and just sharing your wisdom
with us and everything you just put the well I
said to Cherry on the top, the cherry on a
time out for everything that we have been just talking about.
This this past month has been an amazing month. This
is the first one that we're doing and we're doing
it again next year, right.

Speaker 4 (01:05:10):
Doctor Will, Oh yeah, we are. I'm already I don't
think about the next shirt. I'm trying to get.

Speaker 3 (01:05:16):
So Doctor lor is there any last minute words that
you have for our listeners.

Speaker 8 (01:05:21):
It's been absolutely my pleasure. And you know we're all
works in progress, as those are my last minute words.
Every single one of us is a work in progress.
So that gets us all the scope to change and
become who we want to become.

Speaker 3 (01:05:34):
Yes, it's beautiful. Thank you, and doctor will.

Speaker 4 (01:05:38):
Be kind to yourself and he'll always all right.

Speaker 3 (01:05:43):
All right by beautiful people.

Speaker 2 (01:05:44):
Well, as I said, next week, myself, doctor will and
dog part Mike right, we're back with recap.

Speaker 3 (01:05:49):
But also we are going to have the lines.

Speaker 2 (01:05:51):
Oh but I know we didn't do the lines today
open for right now, but next week we will have
the lines open for for any questions that you have
for us. Us with this were closing it out. We
close it out the side. But I also want you
guys to remember that we.

Speaker 7 (01:06:05):
Have teamed up with.

Speaker 2 (01:06:08):
Mental Health America. You can go to ax Naomi dot
com and donate. As I said, it can be five dollars,
ten dollars, twenty dollars, twenty five dollars.

Speaker 3 (01:06:19):
Let them know that the DTG crew over here asks
Naomi that we do care, that we do care.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
All right, let's get your questions together for next week
get y'all questions together for next week. We So until then,
I want you to protect your peace, break the cycle.

Speaker 3 (01:06:38):
And love with intention. You all have an amazing, amazing weekly.
Hey down, pound Mike, Mike, you gay last words. Let
me see y'all next week for the last last series.
All right, then we're gone. All right, you guys have
an amazing, amazing weekend.

Speaker 7 (01:06:52):
Have a good one.

Speaker 2 (01:06:53):
All right, My beautiful people, one, thank you for being
a part of another amazing life episode on ax Naomi.

Speaker 3 (01:06:59):
Here on Naomi's World.

Speaker 9 (01:07:01):
Now, if you enjoy today's show, I want you to
get that light button or share it with someone who
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Speaker 3 (01:07:15):
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Speaker 9 (01:07:19):
And Heart collection and more exclusive merch The link is
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Speaker 5 (01:07:24):
But I want you to remember is that when you
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Speaker 3 (01:07:30):
Always keep it in business