May 12, 2025 • 60 mins
How do you love someone through anxiety, depression, PTSD, or bipolar disorder—without losing yourself in the process? In this deeply moving second episode of the Love & Mental Health series, host Nyomi Banks welcomes marriage and family therapist Aqueelah Wheatley (Founder of Support Advice) and returning expert Dr. Will Washington to explore the emotional complexities of supporting a partner who is navigating mental health challenges. Inspired by letters from real listeners—including a powerful story from a veteran and a parent coping with a partner’s diagnosis—this episode dives into the emotional labor of caregiving, the fine line between support and enabling, setting loving boundaries, and raising children amidst a partner’s mental health crisis. 💬 Real Talk.
💡 Actionable Strategies.
💖 Soulful Healing.
Whether you're currently in a relationship, a caregiver, or simply looking to understand love through the lens of mental wellness, this episode is for you. 👕 Support the Cause:
Shop our Mind & Heart Collection or donate at AskNyomi.com – 100% of proceeds go to Mental Health America. 🎧 Listen, Learn, and Heal. Because when it comes to love and mental health—knowledge is power. 🔗 Guests Featured:
- Dr. Will Washington – Health Psychologist & Founder, Washington Wellness Institute
- Aqueelah Wheatley, MFT – Marriage & Family Therapist, Founder of Support Advice
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Welcome to a podcast like no other. Get ready for
insightful conversations, diverse perspectives, into touch of inspiration. This is
Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast. Join your host, the
dynamic Naomi Banks, as she delves into the heart of
various topics with a refreshing blend of curiosity and wisdom.
Each week Tunings Naomi is joined by special guests who
(00:35):
bring their unique stories and expertise.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
To the table.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
It's a journey of discovery, learnings, and growing. And let's
not forget about the one and only dog Pound in
My money. Adding his favor and the layer to the mix.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Together they make him dynamic.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Held you bout.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Want of these from thought provoking discussions to moments of
laughter and joy, and Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast
offers a space where great topics meet amazing guests. Mark
your calendars, set your reminders, and prepare to be entertained
into life. Join Naomi Banks and Dog Pound Mike weekly
for an unforgettable podcast experience. Get ready to bridge the Gap,
(01:11):
expand your horizons, and immerse yourself in the world of Asknaom.
Subscribe now and stay tuned for a podcast journey like
no other.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
All right, hey, my beautiful people, will welcome back to
XNAM in Bridging the Gap full live, this is what
we talk about love, sex, relationship, culture differences and so
much more. Why bridging the gap between them all and
teaching the world on sex, language, attitude and some spiritual uplifting.
But this month, this month, we're doing something special. We're
doing something special. And if I didn't say, you know
(01:45):
who I am, I am the host Naomi Banks. And
we are in week two. We are in week two
of our Love and Mental Health series for Mental Health
Awareness Month. But tonight we are diving into one of
the most important questions that many of us face in
silence is how do you support a partner with mental
(02:06):
health challenges without losing yourself in the process. Now, before
we jump in, I want to remind you of why
this series inspired me. It was inspired by a letter
from one of our listeners. He's a forty two year
old disabled veteran who wrote this, and he said, I've
changed and or tried to appease my excess and lost
(02:29):
myself in the process. I'm a forty two year old
disabled veteran. Should I just accept the fact that I'm
going to be single forever, and he has PTSD. The
letter reminded us of why the work matters, and each
week we are honoring the stories that rarely get told.
Tonight we're adding another letter to this conversation, and this
(02:51):
one is from a spouse and a parent carrying love, confusion,
and a whole lot of courage. And here's what they wrote.
They said, I am married to my spouse who has
who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder just a few years ago.
I understand more now about the move swings to anger
and the emotional shifts. But we have two small children,
(03:13):
ages three and seven. How do I even begin to
explain one parent's mental illness to them? You know, that's
deep and that's some real and if that's your reality too,
tonight's episode is for you. So before we bring our
(03:34):
amazing guest to the stage, I'm going to take a
quick break up right, it's your gritty Guy's Numy Banks
here on as lay Only Bridget Gap podcast, and we
will be right.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Back join us this may for a groundbreaking series that
bridges the gap between love and mental wellness. Love and
mental health, A powerful four part journey exploring the intricate
connection between relationships and mental well being. Every Thursday at
six Pmcive Standard Time, join host Miaomi Banks alongside our
resident therapist, doctor Will Washington, health psychologist and owner of
(04:07):
Washington Wellness Institute, who brings his expertise to all four
powerful episodes. Each week, they're joined by remarkable specialists. Week
one May first, author of God's Divine Plans for Marriage
and ordained Christian minister Kristin a Cole tackles dating while
managing mental health.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
Week two May eighth.
Speaker 5 (04:28):
Marriage and family therapist to Quela Wheatley, owner and founder
of Support Advice, discusses supporting a partner with mental health challenges.
Week three May fifteenth, Celebrity relationship coach and intuitive energy
healer Terry Christi, TV personality and author of The Secret
Power of You explores couple's therapy and mental health. Week
(04:49):
four May twenty second, London based clinical psychologist and sex
Slash Intimacy coach doctor Lori bethbisbay Delson to generational mental
health and relationships. This power house lineup combines doctor Washington's
ongoing expertise with specialized insights from our weekly guests, offering
you a comprehensive approach to mental health and relationships. Whether
(05:10):
you're single, dating, or in a committed relationship, this series
delivers the tools and understanding you need. Don't miss this
life changing series. Follow Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap on
your favorite podcast platform and visit Askmaomi dot com to
be part of the conversation. Because when it comes to
love and mental health, knowledge is power. Always keep it
(05:32):
so sexy.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Washington wells into two focuses on healing. Always for me,
if I look good, then I feel good. If I
feel good, then I share the good. If I share
the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate
the good, then I live the good. So I can
be paid to be migrative. But I have to learn
the good to be the good. So what does it
(05:56):
take to be the greatest? It's as simple as a
free fifteen minute console time. Be kind to yourself and
He'll always.
Speaker 6 (06:09):
All right.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
May beautiful people, Well, Welcome back to ax Naomi Bridge
the Gap podcast. We are live. We are doing a
special four part series this month called Love and Mental
Health in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, which I
can't do this by myself. I had to say it
before I get what's going on doctarma Michael, all right,
(06:29):
and I see BTG cour I see oh y'all with
y'all comments and your likes, make sure y'all hit those
like buttons, those like buttons. All right, But joining me,
I have some phenomenal people that is coming to the stage. First,
I want to introduce mis Aquila Whitney. She is a
licensed marriage and family therapist with advanced degrees in psychology
(06:50):
and philosophy. She's a founder of Support Advice, and she
helps couples and families navigate love, caregiving, and healing with
new passion and clarity. As we joined by again our
resident therapist, doctor Will Washington. He's a licensed professional clinical
counselor supervisor, clinical hypotherapist, a distinguished Psychedelic Assistant Therapist. I
(07:12):
can keep going on and on and on. You know
a P A D. And help say I bought it,
you know all that stuff that he got going up right?
Yeah right, This brother is blazing trails and trauma recovery
and his moyal distress. You know why I'm so honored
to always have you with me at my my my
cod Island. But were a weapon a quilla to the
(07:35):
status I am. I am blessed and I am ready
for this conversation doctors talked about. He said, we're gonna
We're gonna do it today.
Speaker 7 (07:49):
We will.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
You don't play, don't play.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
I know that's right, all right, my beautiful people. So
what I want to do. I want to start off
with our first segment. Is it about under standing mental
health in the relationship. So I want to ask you,
my listeners out there just listening all over the place,
have you ever loved someone through a storm that you
couldn't fully understand? I want you to drop it, drop
(08:14):
your comments in the chat, drop your comments in attack,
and we want to hear. We want to hear your truth.
All right. So, Aquila, what are some common signs that
your partner may be struggling with their mental health? And
what does that look like inside of a relationship where
love gets tested by anxiety, depression, or even bipolar episodes.
Speaker 8 (08:40):
So I want to start by saying, one of the
first things that you will see is an unhealthy.
Speaker 7 (08:46):
Attachment, right.
Speaker 8 (08:48):
And so when we look at attachment patterns, you have
anxious attachment, you have anxious avoidant attachment styles, right, And
so when you see someone that is a attaching anxiously.
There's also a red flag there that they're probably struggling
with anxiety, fears of abandonment, different types of trauma, because
(09:13):
that is a trauma response and a trauma attachment pattern.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
Mm hm, did you want to add on to that,
doctor wheel?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
No, that's that's that's it. That's the foundation of it.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Okay, beautiful, So let's talk about support. Let's talk about
support strategies with the partners. You know, it's not just
a surface kind of thing, but it's the kind that
requires boundaries, strength, and sometimes stepping back to protect your peace.
So I got another question for my listeners out there.
Have you ever felt like you were slowly losing yourself
(09:48):
while trying to save someone that you love and what
boundaries help or did so? A quil I got another
question for you. What advice do you give someone who
wants to be there for their partner but feels like
they're becoming the therapists, the fixer, and the only source
of stability.
Speaker 8 (10:09):
So I want to say that is typically the role
that is filled in that because there's a lot of
codependency going on, right and so the person feels like
it's their job to save this individual. And they find
purpose in that. That is how being in that relationship
serves them. And so I definitely let them know that
(10:33):
it's important that they step back, that they create emotional boundaries,
not just physical boundaries, right, but emotional boundaries, because in
mental health there's also natural manipulation, right from dealing with
someone that has depression. There's been plenty of times that
(10:53):
I've had clients tell me what the person said, they're
about to kill themselves, right, and just to keep them
on the phone, just to keep them on the line, right,
and to assure.
Speaker 7 (11:03):
Them that there's resources for that. Okay, that is not
your role, right.
Speaker 8 (11:12):
You are a partner, You are not a trained therapist,
right right.
Speaker 4 (11:17):
So let me ask you this. So the letter that
was just written in about the parent and how you
know their spouse was just diagnosed with bipolar a few
years ago and they have two small children. How do
you have that conversation with the three and a seven
year old or what's going on in their home or
what's happening with that other parent?
Speaker 7 (11:39):
M Are you asking me or doctor?
Speaker 4 (11:41):
Will either?
Speaker 7 (11:45):
Doctor?
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Yeah? Of course? Well, I love I love that question
because a lot of times, as adults, we overstand to underfeel,
and we explain so much about what's happening, what's not
happening with all these all this stuff. And I tell
my clients if I was a third grader, how would
you explain to me what you're going through? And they
have to get to the root of what's happening, the
(12:09):
actual emotion. Right, we talk about symptoms all the time,
Wilways use the big words all the time, but we
never just talk about how we feel. And children actually
have the highest capacity to take on harder things in life.
So we have the first take of the stigma that
kids can't handle difficult situations. They can and they can
recover a lot faster than you too, by the way,
(12:30):
right then we let them know that there is a
lifestyle change. Kids can adjust to lifestyles a lot faster
because they're relying on you to be the parent. So first, secondly,
trust yourself as a parent that you can help your
child learn because a lot of us use our own
shame and guilt and think that we don't have the
skill or the ability to raise a child. But that
(12:53):
child only knows you, right, so actually embrace the inherited responsibility.
And then lastly, just make sure that when you talk
about a difficulty, you can call it what it is,
but don't treat them like children. Help them explain what
it means. Because if you can't explain it to them,
well then can you deal with it?
Speaker 8 (13:14):
Right?
Speaker 3 (13:15):
If you can't explain it for yourself to other people,
I don't expect you to explain to a child. So
also make sure that you understand your own knowledge and
frame of reference and know what the boundaries are and
what the behaviors are, because the truth is that once again,
the mental illness isn't the problem. It's how we go
through it and how we integrate it into our lives
as a family. So it takes that awareness and it
(13:36):
takes that understanding.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
Well, thank you for that beautiful set, Aquila. Do you
want to add on to that?
Speaker 7 (13:42):
I do and will.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
That was absolutely amazing, And I think that it's also
important because kids tend to internalize right, that they also
understand that it is not their fault, right, that the
parent is going through what they're going through, right, And also,
like Bill said, express and talk about.
Speaker 7 (14:05):
The big emotions.
Speaker 8 (14:07):
However, I also want to say that sometimes, especially with
bipolar disorder, it can be dangerous right, And so you
know that's part of a conversation as well, because there
is a responsibility around mental and emotional health where we're.
Speaker 7 (14:26):
Not saying, okay, well you know that is today.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Right, But then he's running around punching holes in a
wall because now that's traumatic, that's a problem.
Speaker 7 (14:38):
So there's a there's so there's.
Speaker 8 (14:39):
A bigger responsibility on the adults there as well as
far as protective capacity.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Yeah, so so let's go just a little a little further,
a little deeper. We we're watching something in real time.
I think you and I got the will. We talked
a little bit about this last week when we talked
about social media, and we see that a celebrity right
now that he is going through a manic on social media.
(15:08):
So social media being such a big thing, and he's
been diagnosed with bipolar. But the attacks that he's given,
you know, to certain people into the world, and he
has children that actually are on social media emotionally, how
can a parent emotionally try to protect or guide their
child through something like that, were better helping them emotionally,
(15:32):
If y'all can understand my question, now.
Speaker 8 (15:36):
I do understand the question, Will, did you mind if
I I said something because I'm oh, okay. So when
I when I hear what you're asking, I hear so
if your mom was a heroin adict or if your
dad was a serious alcoholic, well, you know, how would
(15:58):
you make that okay? Or how would you deal with
the How could you talk to them in a way
that is supportive? Yes, you can support right, But when
it comes down to these types of things, there are boundaries, okay,
because there's a responsibility for the individual that is having
the mental and emotional break down to seek help and
(16:21):
be made compliant. If they're not doing that, your protective
capacity then is to protect the kids and get them
out of the way.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Yeah, And that environment is so important, and I think
that's what causes so much childhood abuse is simply the
fact that kids are just in the wrong environment. It
really is. And I touch you them all the time.
It's not about who you are, it's about where you were,
you know, And I don't think that you know. And
unfortunately there is a call to parents that you have
(16:56):
all these words that mean what you go through, But
the responsibility is still the same, right, responsibility is still
the same, And are you parent enough to remove yourself too.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
M Yeah, did you have something to say? You know something?
Speaker 9 (17:17):
And I hear what everybody's saying all that you know,
but sometime in the relationship, and I want to know
your opinion on this is if the person that's going
through that going through that issue, going through that mental issue,
you love that person. And as most men, I know
women too, we try to protect everyone, you know, how
(17:38):
do we how do we break away from that bounty like, Okay,
I of course I won't. I want to help my kids,
but I want to help my spouse of my loved
one as well. And sometimes we just go into a
whole protective mode of protecting everybody, you know. But I
understand about protecting the kids, but sometimes we get caught
up in that.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
I'll be brief with this. So I love that you
said that. So this is where where relational transparency matters
so much. This is that moment where I have to
go to the parents say, hey, what I want from
you is to come home to a space where my
kids aren't worried about if you're gonna hurt them or not.
(18:23):
And right now I don't know if that's gonna be possible.
I need to know what it's gonna take for you
to feel like you can come home safe? Now, how
we can make you safe? But what do you need
to make sure you can feel safe before you walk
into this door? And do we have to have a
safety check before you come in? And if not, what's planned?
(18:45):
B you gotta stay at the auntie's house, or you
gotta stay at your cousin's house, or I have a
budget where you have to you're gonna have to stay
at the motel for the night. But that level six
six behaviors, six out of ten behavior that means that
means that you you can't be in the house before
you come in. Let's do a number check and once
you get to number six, No, number five, we can
(19:07):
talk about it. Number four you need to talk to somebody.
Number three you can come home. Level two you can
come home. Level one you can come home. But there
can be a scale in this. But we don't ever
take that time out to have that conversation of transparency.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
M I love that answer accluded that you want to
add on to that.
Speaker 8 (19:26):
Yes, transparency is very important. I completely agree with doctor Will.
It's also important to understand that someone with mental health issues, they're.
Speaker 7 (19:40):
Not always lucid.
Speaker 8 (19:42):
Right, They're not always in a frame of mind where
they can articulate or even recognize themselves that they're a danger.
Speaker 7 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 8 (19:52):
So if I think I'm at a three and I
come to the door and you see me, and I
completely manic and I'm trying to barge in, I'm not
aware that I'm a threat.
Speaker 7 (20:07):
And that's the issue there.
Speaker 8 (20:09):
I'm not doing this because i want to hurt everybody.
I'm doing this because I'm not aware that I'm even
coming off as someone dangerous or anything like that. And
so when it comes to love, right, because I do
want to talk about what Mike said, right, when it
comes to love, yes, that is important, and it's important
(20:33):
to let them know it is because you love them
that you need them to do what they need to
do for them to get the help so that they
can be in the relationship, because from an externalization perspective,
you're not in a relationship with them anymore. You're in
a relationship with the mental health disease, and you want
(20:56):
them back, and that's what you have to.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
Let them know.
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Yeah, I love that answer. I love that answer.
Speaker 8 (21:02):
Quila.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
So let's do this. Let's take a quick break and
then when we come back, we're gonna get more deep
into this. So right, all right, my beautiful people, thank
you all for listening. We will be back, right back.
It's your gourdy Goudy's Namby Banks there. Won't ask my
own vision of Gap podcast.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
We will be right Join us this May for a
groundbreaking series that bridges the gap between love and mental wellness.
Love and Mental Health, a powerful four part journey exploring
the intricate connection between relationships and mental well being. Every
Thursday at six pm Pacific Standard time, join host Naomi
Banks alongside our resident therapist, doctor Will Washington, health psychologist
(21:39):
and owner of Washington Wellness Institute, who brings his expertise
to all four powerful episodes. Each week, they're joined by
remarkable specialists. Week one, May first, author of God's Divine
Plans for Marriage and ordained Christian minister Kristin Nicole tackles
dating while managing mental health.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Week two May eighth.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Marriage and family therapist to Quela Wheatley, owner and founder
of Support Advice, discusses supporting a partner with mental health challenges.
Week three May fifteenth, celebrity relationship coach and intuitive energy
healer Terry Christy, TV personality and author of the Secret
Power of You explores couple's therapy and mental health. Week four,
(22:22):
May twenty second, London based clinical psychologist and sex Slash
Intimacy coach, doctor Lori Bathbisbey dels into generational mental health
and relationships. This powerhouse lineup combines doctor Washington's ongoing expertise
with specialized insights from our weekly guests, offering you a
comprehensive approach to mental health and relationships. Whether you're single, dating,
(22:44):
or in a committed relationship, This series delivers the tools
and understanding you need. Don't miss this life changing series.
Follow Ask Maaomi bridging the Gap on your favorite podcast platform,
and visit Askmaomi dot com to be part of the conversation.
Because when it comes to love and mental health, knowledge
is power. Always keep it so sexy?
Speaker 4 (23:07):
All right, Well, welcome back to AX. Now visitly that podcast.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
All right at.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
BTG care I see over that comments. Actually, I'm going
to drop the phone number right now. If you have
any questions for a Queela or doctor will all my
stuffs at dot com, Mike Mike, give us a call
at seven six five two seventy five five two seven
that seven sixty five two seven one five two seven. Again,
(23:32):
this month is all about mental health awareness. We're doing
a very special series of four part series called Love
and Health Today. It's all about supporting relationships while being
with someone that has mental health. We've been going deep
into conversations right now, all right, doctor will So I
got some questions from you that was submitted from some
(23:54):
of our listeners. Are you you ready to answer some
of them? Let's do it, all right, let's go. So
what the first question is? How do I know if
I'm being supportive or if I'm being enabling?
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Oh? Okay, I would love to answer this, but the
fact that Aquila's company is called supportive Advice, I feel
like answer this or ask a question again for a
quilla and then I'll out come back.
Speaker 4 (24:19):
Okay, I know. That's why I passed the patar.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 8 (24:24):
So when when I hear someone ask how do I
know that I am being supportive or if I am enabling?
I would first ask them how are you feeling after
the experience?
Speaker 7 (24:41):
Are you completely exhausted?
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Right?
Speaker 8 (24:45):
And are you creating an environment that embodies the issue right?
Or are you creating healthy boundaries to help the person
rise to where you need them to be. So that
that lets you know a lot of times when you
are in a space where you are enabling right, there
(25:07):
is a part of what you're doing that's serving you,
and a lot of people don't don't tend to see
that or understand that. But it doesn't have to be
a great situation or a pleasant situation to serve you.
Speaker 7 (25:21):
So you really have to.
Speaker 8 (25:22):
Look deep into yourself and understand the motives behind what
you're doing and also how what you're doing is affecting
you from a mental and emotional standpoint.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
Beautiful, I love that. I love that answer. Thank you, doctor,
word dies you want to say something?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Yes, I think to keep it simple is understanding that
your involvement your investment in your relationship are usually really
tied together, and it's understanding that what you want for
them and what you have to offer them are two
(25:57):
different worlds. And so we have to become emotionally sober
in that moment. And that's a really hard place to
be because you might go through those emotional emotional withdrawals
feeling like you're being supportive, and it's really important to
not get so caught up in the in the in
the I guess the drunkenness of feeling helpful, because sometimes
(26:20):
you become helpless by being too helpful.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
I love that, Yeah, I love that one. All right,
So here's another one. They say I love them, but
their depression is draining me. I'm starting to feel resentful.
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Mm hmm, that you know? I love the word. With
self awareness comes emotional responsibility. So why are you making
yourself exhausted? How much of yourself are you putting out?
Why do you feel like you're responsible for that? What
is this resent Usually when resentment right, you point one finger,
there's four back at you. There's probably three or four
(27:01):
other reasons why you're not taking care of yourself. So
my thing is, if we're in a session, I would say, well,
tell me your routine. How do you wake up, how
do you eat breakfast? How do you work out? How
do you read the book? How do you have friends?
How do you hang out? How do you what happened
in your life to make your life less relevant and
their issues more present to you?
Speaker 4 (27:23):
Right?
Speaker 3 (27:24):
So I want to make sure that you have your
life before you have other peoples. And then we once
once they get that together, then you ask them, well,
how important is their depression to you? You know, And
unfortunately it's it's this moment where compatibility is a genuine
conversation as well. And for me, I don't I might
(27:47):
be different to other people, but I don't mind if
you are together or if you break up. That's I
don't really care about whether or not you're together or not.
That's not my problem. My thing is I need two
active people out there, healthy right to individual people actively
working on being healthy and deciding and sharing experience together.
And if you're not being healthy, going to grow apart
(28:10):
mm hm. And so it's it's it's natural for lives
to to move apart from each other. But I hope
we wanted to get to that conversation. Hopefully your life
will be so invested that you can have space to happen.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
Right Thank you, beautiful, you know right now over there
at the Season and Stuff Love podcast, that's something that
we're talking about this month about nurturing relationships, and that's
one of the things we talked about about the foundation
of our relationship. But today I shared about having relational
with one another, but understanding what that looks like in
(28:47):
between and understanding about over extending yourself and you know,
not understanding what your boundaries are a lot of times,
and it's something that I shared a lot of times,
we don't even know what boundaries are because that's something
that we were never to. You know. I come from
an era to where both of my grandmothers, their homes
were revolving doors where they would help any in everybody
(29:08):
that comes in because there was no boundary set up.
You know, we always want to help those that are
less fortunate or whatever that goes through. But don't know
is that through all of that we have we built
you know, toxic you know, habits and traits and you know,
sending that through generational you know things. I found myself
(29:30):
doing the same thing with my home, you know, making
it to where it was a revolving door to help
different you know people. But once I started going through
my healing journey and my self love journey, I kind
of understood on where to you know, bring my boundaries,
you know, and be bold with them. And what I
mean bold with them is telling with my my boundaries
(29:50):
alt and not always a negative thing. And that's one
thing is that we have to understand that when you
do put those boundaries up, that it's not negative thing.
It's not a selfish thing, you know. Yeah, we got
a caller. All right, we got a caller, y'all? All right?
(30:13):
Caller Hello? Hello, you there? Hello, yep, we hear you. Hello,
caller Hello, Hello. I'm doing well. How about yourself?
Speaker 2 (30:35):
I'm doing doing good?
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Okay. How can we help you? Love?
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (30:42):
Tell me.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I have been listening to your show for about a
week and you've been very good what you're saying. I
also want to talk to you outside of the show
about something that a little more confusing than me, about
something that's been coming up and comb and death messages
(31:08):
have been getting down methage.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
You begin what you begin text text messages from.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Whom somebody claiming to be you.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
Oh no, baby, that's not me. No, that's not me, baby,
I'm so no, that's not me. Love you, No, baby?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
How would I.
Speaker 4 (31:35):
You know what you know? Honestly, I do not know,
because that is a problem that has been going on
with myself and other people that you know of notary
of celebrity wise that has that. The only thing that
I can tell you is that I know that it's
not me. I do not talk to people on chat
or anything like that. If you haven't booked me for
a one on one transformational life coaching thing, then you
(31:59):
won't be talking to me. Baby, were on here. Yeah,
I'm glad.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
I'm shining out the proof about this person because I'm
really exposed to well exposed.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
I hope you didn't send them no money. Did you
send them any money?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, they didn't ask for money yet. But it was
a lot about wanting to get together, having sex, you know,
and other things. And I explained the fake person that
you said on your show podcast that you was a
married woman. Yes, a married woman.
Speaker 4 (32:39):
Yes, so you no, no, that's no yeah, block yeah,
block them. You know. First of all, I appreciate you.
I appreciate you coming on and just sharing that with me.
A lot of people will fall, you know, subject to that,
and and and it's just unfortunate that people are out
here just being an ass and doing things like that.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
But that's also a real topic though.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I've been getting to check from other people. A couple
was from newscasts, from supposedly local newscasts, and another one
was the lot somebody closing as the lot of Brown.
Speaker 4 (33:29):
Oh lord, no, no, love, no, no, no, m no.
I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
But what I needed was just take this person off
of with block, this person trying to send me messages.
Speaker 4 (33:48):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Yes, okay. Thank you for for taking their time with Denali.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Alright, no problem, love, thank you for calling it. Thank
you for sharing that with me too. Thank you for
letting me know you have a good one. So what
would you say, doctor will?
Speaker 3 (34:12):
So I would love to talk about that though, because
it's actually important that that's so. There's five different types
of abuse, right, you have physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse,
but then you also have uh, digital abuse as well,
and we don't talk about how people this is. In
this new age, digital abuse is at an all time high,
(34:33):
and lov of us don't even realize consider it even abuse.
So tracking people saying unsolicitous the pictures, right, tagging people,
sharing locations, forced passwords codes, you know, making multiple burner accounts, right, like,
those are forms of abuse. And and this is and
I speak with people, it's about cybersecurity. And there's so
(34:55):
many people that are even extorted, right, sexual astortion, and
that's all for a digital abuse. And we don't even
realize that we're being groomed in a way that normalizes it.
And so I just appreciated that conversation. It felt like
it was like, well, where is this going? But the
truth is that that is happening every day in a
(35:15):
saturated amount, and so I just appreciate her calling and
actually bringing it to you because that arises a bigger problem.
Speaker 4 (35:24):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for saying that, doctor, will you
know because it's so many I was joking with Dog
Pound Mike, not just about cat fishing, and a lot
of people are taking it a lot much further than that.
I know. You know my mom for one instance, she always,
you know, come to me with these little things and
people these good get rich thcau you want something or whatever,
(35:44):
and they kind of target certain in different people. You know,
when you on certain things and they know what you're
looking for, they're gonna pretend to be who you want
them to be, you know, and that's what you have
to be very cautious on how you do and when
you you know, fall into those trips. And it's unfortunate
that they do that. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't
(36:10):
like that. But let's let's move on. To our last question.
This is the last question. The question said, they refuse
to help, but keep telling me they love me. Am
I supposed to stay?
Speaker 3 (36:25):
Doctor will Quila, please take that one.
Speaker 8 (36:29):
Okay, So I just want to clarify they're refusing help
or they're refusing to help.
Speaker 4 (36:35):
They're refusing help, but okay.
Speaker 8 (36:39):
Okay, if they are refusing help, then they don't want
you to say.
Speaker 7 (36:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 8 (36:47):
Your actions have to be congruent with your words. And
if you have said, look, this is unsafe, like if
you have determined this is unsafe for me, right, this
is not how I feel love. This is what needs
to happen for us to be able to continue within
this relationship. And they're telling you, no, I want to
(37:11):
continue in the relationship without giving you anything that you need.
Speaker 7 (37:17):
That's a problem. Yeah, that's a problem.
Speaker 8 (37:20):
Even if they do have mental health issues, there's gonna
be times where they're loose it, right, And if they're
doing that, that's not just mental health, that is emotional
abuse as well. That is a different type of manipulation
as well.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for that. Thank you for that.
Did you want to add on to.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
That, doctor will Yes, and I really think it's important
to understand that you are not in a relationship to
be an emotional punching bag. I had to really make sure.
I had to check myself a lot because I have
friends that will really just go in on me, and
I'm like, WHOA are you doing this? Because you know
(38:04):
how Just because I know how to hold space for
you doesn't mean you need to take it all up right.
And so I always say, turn that space into a container,
because my whole space I'm actively with you. Right when
I hold a container, it means that there are rules
and regulations, right. And so when someone says something like that,
(38:25):
you have to give a deadline, right. I give my
friends deadlines. If I ever give anybody a deadline about
how I need things, that's how I know I'm because
I need you to respect my intentions with you. So, hey,
if you do this three times in a week, just
know that I'm planning my way out. And I don't
have to even tell you I'm planning my way out.
Once you do the three things, I'm already calculating my
(38:47):
way out. I don't have to make it a big
deal of Grandio's deal. I'm out and reminding you so
my thing is create deadlines because you have to honor
your capacity at all times in those type of relationships.
Speaker 4 (39:02):
I love that, Thank you. I love that. All right.
And so for everyone listening right now, I had a
question for you, what's something that you wish that someone
told you about loving someone with mental illness. Let us
know in the chat, give us a text right there
in the chat. Things all right? All right? So before
we close, I want to lift up two deeply personal
(39:25):
stories that were shared with that I want to share
with the audience, and that some of the listeners had
wrote in this past week after watching last week's show.
One of them, we're going to call this silent STrenD,
she said, I've been dating my fiance for five years
now and he just recently proposed to me. I have
to be honest. I've never shared my diagnosis of clinical
(39:48):
depression with him. I've been able to manage it with medication,
and I've never had an episode during our relationship. But
now that we're talking about building a family together, I've
feel this weight. What if it shows up later? What
if it changes how he sees me?
Speaker 3 (40:14):
Normalized? Normalize your love if you have the capacity to
love the fact that you have the capacity to be
worried about this. It means you have the capacity to
care beyond the problem itself. Right, I always like to
work within the concern. Right, It's always about people that
are unsure about having kids usually make great parents, right
(40:38):
because they're so worried about what type of parent they
would be. Right, we have to understand that your mental
illness is not going to stop you from being the
parent you think you should be, because a lot of
times you need to be the parent that the child needs.
And that is a staple issue in just parenting in general,
is that because so many parents that are trying to
(40:58):
be this parent that they didn't have other than being
the parent that the child actually needs. And that is
something about when you expand families. There's going to be adjustments,
it's going to be growth, there's going to be challenges,
there's going to be changes, and yet you are still
the same person that was chosen to be there in
the beginning. So it's understanding the confidence and the self
esteem that's needed to be present and to reinforce that.
(41:22):
And so you may have to ask your partner for
some reassurance, you know, and that reassurance might be able
to do more check ins, you know, and to do
family therapy before the family even grows. Right, there's a
lot of preventative measures to be put in place.
Speaker 4 (41:36):
Yeah, thank you for that, doctor will Accuda. Do you
have anything to add to it?
Speaker 7 (41:40):
Yes? Absolutely.
Speaker 8 (41:43):
I want to say that when I hear someone say, well,
I haven't told anyone this, right, I hear shame, I
hear guilt. Right, you are more than a stigma. You
are human being, and you have a right to exist
(42:05):
and to feel and to understand that there's value in
your experience, in your presence, right, And so you don't
have to hide your depression.
Speaker 7 (42:19):
You don't have to hide that.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Right.
Speaker 8 (42:21):
We all feel sadness, we all go through various emotions,
and for some reasons, at some point in this person's life,
they felt as though they were less than and that
they had to feel guilty for not being with whomever
else needed them to be.
Speaker 7 (42:42):
But if you're getting married to.
Speaker 8 (42:44):
Someone and you're not telling them who you are or
a part of who you are, they're not marrying you,
they're not marrying the truth, and you don't know if
they'll have the capacity for you if you don't let
them in. Don't be ashamed of who you are, don't
(43:04):
be ashamed of yourself, don't be ashamed of how you feel,
because that lets me know you haven't done self work,
self love work, and no one can love you more
than you love yourself.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
Beautiful, Beautiful said, beautiful said, you know what? And I
want to just say this to the listeners. I want
to I want to thank you. I want to thank
you for the courage just even write in and just
share this. I want you to know that you are
truly built love with just carrying your tooth, but also
know that just being brave enough to share it with
us right now, to share with us right now. All right,
So we got one more and this one right here
(43:42):
it hey, test, can you roll it up so I
can see it? Please? Thank you? And this one is
he says. I'm a care I'm a caregiver to my
eighty five year old father who has suffered with PTSD
for decades and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother
passed away a few years ago, so the responsibility is
(44:03):
on me. I've been dating someone new for nine months
and it's getting serious. I told her about the Alzheimer's
but not the PTSD. He has blow ups at some times,
and I promised my mother I wouldn't put him in
a home. How do I navigate all this without losing
this relationship of breaking that promise? First of all, to
(44:27):
the listener, I want to just say this, thank you,
Thank you for honoring your parents and just still making
space for love. It's not easy for me, and I'm
just going to say this. I remember when my father
passed away, and I felt that it was my responsibility
as the oldest child to make sure that my mom
was taking care of And right now I am her
(44:49):
caregiver as she is now diagnosed herself with dementia, and
so it's I'm just blessed that, you know, my husband
is very understanding in that situation. So when I read
this letter, I said, wow, you know I never thought
about that being in within a new relationship, coming into
(45:10):
something like that that could be unfamiliar to that person.
So for you, doctor will and Aquila, what would you
say to this person?
Speaker 3 (45:21):
Yeah, do you want me to start first to hear?
Speaker 7 (45:22):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (45:23):
Yes, we have to understand that there's three phases in
this that I see. The first phase is understanding when
am I coming in with what am I working on
with you? And when am I hoping for us to
be and really laying that out if this really is
(45:45):
your person, if this really is the person that you
really want to weather that storm with through, if you
really want that, give them the chance to be successful
with all of you not some of you and a
lot of us get missed out on that part in
the beginning of marriages because we always want to give
our best foot forward, but not our most authentic self. Yeah,
you know, And so you know, it's beautiful that you
(46:07):
have this awareness right now, you have this concern right now,
and it also lets you see what type of person you're
going to be with because if this is the hardest
it is coming into this and they say, yes, what
do you need? How do you need this? They're asking
you to lead, They're asking you to be a good follower,
They're asking you to be a good partner, They're asking
(46:28):
you to be a good communicator. They're asking you to
be a good lover and an understanding person. And they're
also reflecting that back to you at the same time.
And that foundation of coming into it, working on with
you and what you're hoping to see together, given that
pathway is a very sexy thing. So that someone's thinking
about me that much to think of the before, during,
(46:48):
and after because they're that serious about me. Give them
the chance to see you for who you truly are
so they can be who they truly are for you.
So I'm excited for you and I hope to really
hear what happens for you, Beautiful.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
Thank you for that. Thank you for that, Aquila. Did
you want to add on to it?
Speaker 7 (47:06):
I just wanted to say that.
Speaker 8 (47:10):
It's okay for you to feel overwhelmed, right, and it's
also okay for you to feel some resentment if you
are feeling those things around wanting to fulfill this promise
but also wanting to pursue a life for yourself, right,
(47:31):
and understand that these two things don't have to be different,
but in combining them, it is not always going to be.
Speaker 7 (47:39):
A smooth situation, right.
Speaker 8 (47:42):
There is going to be chaos in that, and it's
okay because we can grow in chaos. So I just
encourage you to give yourself grace as well as your
partner as you guys move forward.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Yeah, beautiful, FULK, do you have anything to add on
to caer I like that grow in Chaos. We're gonna
have to talk about that one. That's gonna have to
be a whole whole subject right there.
Speaker 3 (48:09):
Give these episodes come on.
Speaker 4 (48:15):
All right, that beautiful people. If this conversation has touched you,
I want try to do something with it. I want
you to support mental health care by donating to men
Mental Health America. Right now, we are doing a nice
little pleasures called give Classy doc or Love and Mental Health,
and also grab our exclusive Mind and Heart merch collection
(48:39):
created just for this series. One hundred percent of all
our proceeds that support this is going directly to that,
so we get no cuts at all. You can go
to as Naomi dot com to for that. I'll also
go to all Naomi dot creator, dot spring dot com
as well. So first we are at the end of
(49:01):
our show. This was good, It went past fast and
it was moving. So what I want to do is
I want to go to some questions if in the comments,
do you got do y'all mind? No? You good? But
y'all good with it? Okay? Ye up to some comments
because we I saw some over here on this screen
(49:21):
over here, so can you read?
Speaker 9 (49:24):
Actually it was one that over on Instagram that someone
said that and let me.
Speaker 4 (49:29):
I can't go back to you won't let me.
Speaker 9 (49:31):
But they said, how can they love someone and put
boundaries on on the situation?
Speaker 2 (49:39):
You know?
Speaker 9 (49:39):
I guess that's that's the thing where when you say
bring everything to the table and they put everything out there,
but then you still put boundaries on some things. I
guess they won't know how to get how to get between,
how to navigate between that.
Speaker 4 (49:53):
M hm.
Speaker 3 (49:59):
Hm.
Speaker 4 (50:00):
You know what, because we all.
Speaker 6 (50:05):
Right, I was like, okay, you know, all I was
going to say was boundaries is not the same as
omission or withholding.
Speaker 7 (50:16):
Okay, So if.
Speaker 8 (50:18):
We're putting everything out on the table, we're also putting
out our boundaries, which is where we feel comfortable. It's
basically telling our partner, the people that we love, this
is my capacity and this is how I need you
to respect it. So it's not about holding information, it's not.
Speaker 7 (50:37):
About not being truthful.
Speaker 8 (50:40):
It's about being very truthful with your capacity around those
that love you.
Speaker 4 (50:46):
Mm hmmmm mm hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
I was gonna say my focus was on boundaries as well.
It's I think sometimes we think of boundaries as like
an offensive move, and it's like, No, it's it's more
about learning who you are becoming and teaching who are
who you are becoming and then learning that Like if
I decide to change my name, I'm William, but you
call me will it's not. The integrity is still there, right,
(51:14):
I'm still the person. It's just this is another part
of me and I'm still just as present as I
can be. So we got to take that shame around
adjusting our identities for people. It's a lot of shame
to that.
Speaker 4 (51:26):
Yeah, I love that, you know. I just want to
just add on to that is when we talk about boundaries,
especially over there at the Self Love Podcast, it's more
truly understanding who you are and what it is best
for you. Sometimes when we start off, things are no
longer align with us, and we have to acknowledge that
and pay honor to our own being. So, if you
(51:48):
are in these relationships and it becomes draining at times,
and it becomes it gives you all of these red
flags that Akula talked about earlier today, earlier in ours though, Dennis,
sometimes it is best to, you know, step back, And
what I mean step back is like, Okay, let me
realize what it is that I will tolerate what it
is that it's best for me in this relationship for me,
(52:12):
and it's not a selfish think. If something I said
this morning about me being me, putting my boundaries up,
my self respect for me should not be disrespectful.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
To you, And if you are, and if you feel disrespected,
it means that you went beyond your boundaries and you
did not What does that really mean if you don't
like my boundaries? What does that really mean about you?
Speaker 4 (52:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (52:40):
Right? How much do you did you like me? Or
did you like your access?
Speaker 4 (52:43):
Exactly? There we go, there we go. So I hope
that that that helps answer your question for that, and
thank you, you know for that. Do you guys have
any last words to share with our audience?
Speaker 7 (53:01):
Will please please go.
Speaker 4 (53:02):
Ahead with no.
Speaker 3 (53:03):
I saw a question in the chat and it was
it was a really big question. But I guess we'll
talk about it later. I won't. I won't read it
out loud. I'll just it was. It was a hard question.
I was hoping the quila would answer that, but we
got time or not?
Speaker 4 (53:18):
Yeah, we got time.
Speaker 6 (53:18):
We got time.
Speaker 3 (53:19):
We got time. So the question was best advice for
dealing with the breakup? While she's pregnant.
Speaker 7 (53:28):
That's a hard one. I mean, it really is.
Speaker 8 (53:33):
But with the two minutes, right, what I'm going to
say is, remember that the breakup does not mean that
you cannot cohesively co parent, right. It is going to
be important that both the father and the mother deal
with their emotions, deal with their resentment, right, allowing still
(53:57):
for the other person to be a parent.
Speaker 3 (54:00):
Right.
Speaker 8 (54:00):
And so remember you broke up with your significant other,
you didn't break up with your child. Those those two
things are not synonymous. Mmm.
Speaker 4 (54:14):
I love that. Yeah, doctor Will, did you want to
say something?
Speaker 3 (54:17):
Yes, I think understanding that the mental obligation and the
emotional attachment can sometimes get cloudy, but we have to
understand that once again, who I am as a father
and who I am to you needs to be very
clear and needs to be very transparent, and to know
(54:38):
that we can still raise this child because we will. Yeah, right, yeah,
And so we have to normalize that your your your
relationship didn't fail. You didn't even start yet, but it
starts now that you understand, So you know, it's easier
when when when the baby is not present, so that
you can actually create what it's like to live together
(55:00):
what's the routine, what's the lifestyle, what's you know? Let's
create that now, Let's create the village now. So I
think it's so important to understand what type a village
you're going to create, even when you may not be
in the same home.
Speaker 4 (55:13):
I love that, beautiful, I love that, all right, my
beautiful fee. I thank y'all so much.
Speaker 8 (55:18):
This was good.
Speaker 4 (55:19):
It went very, very smooth. Again, Aquila, I want to
thank you for just coming on and just sharing your
Insta and your expertise. It was just flowing like boom
boom boom. Do you have any last words for our
listeners and where they can find you at if they
want any of your services, please share absolutely.
Speaker 8 (55:40):
I am founder of supportive advice dot com or Supportive Advice,
and so you can find me on supportive advice dot com.
Speaker 7 (55:47):
I also have a radio show called Damage.
Speaker 8 (55:50):
Control that airs on Thursdays at one o'clock, so you
can definitely check us out.
Speaker 7 (55:57):
Also have a podcast.
Speaker 8 (55:58):
And so many other things, So definitely make sure you
find me on social media a weekly m FT and
I look forward.
Speaker 4 (56:08):
To me with you, beautiful. I'm gonna have to have
you back on here so we can have it one
on one conversation.
Speaker 8 (56:13):
Oh yes, yes, I would love that. Thank you so
much for having me on.
Speaker 4 (56:18):
All right, doctor, well I know you'll be back here
next week. But what you got to say on this week?
Speaker 3 (56:23):
Yeah, of course, be kind to yourself and he'll always.
Speaker 2 (56:29):
Right.
Speaker 4 (56:30):
I love it. I love it. You know, I'm just messing.
Speaker 3 (56:32):
With him because I'm not gonna say nothing of You're
not pulling it like, you're not pulling me out. You're
pulling me out.
Speaker 4 (56:39):
I write my beautiful people again again. Look, I know
we talk, well, let's do the walk the support by
doing donating. When I say one hundred, we get nothing,
we get we get nothing. And so all of those
stories that you're here to day, trust and believe there
(57:01):
are stories that are probably more challenging that than that
and that need help and we need the funds to
be able to help that. It goes, everything goes to
Mental Health America Again. You can go to ax Naomi
dot com. You could push the donate button right there,
go over there and hit it. But first of all,
(57:21):
let me say this, because I didn't say this. I
want to thank everyone that has donated thus far. Thank
you so much for coming through and donating thus far,
but show them what asked Naomi can do, show them
what BTG crew can do. This is something that I
want to do every year. I want to show our support.
This is one of the one of the first of many,
(57:42):
you know, causes that we want to do. So come on,
let's show up. Let's put our best foot forward in
this and doing this. You know, I also want to say,
you know, just supporting others. It don't mean sacrificing your piece.
Speaker 3 (57:58):
It doesn't.
Speaker 4 (58:01):
You are so worthy of love, safety and care, safety
and care. When I say that, just looking back at
my childhood and just seeing so many relationships that were
caused by mental health and people didn't know what, didn't
have no place to go. Now they're due now somewhere
(58:23):
to help. We're removing the stigma. We're getting educated programs
like this is happening. We have people like a Quella
and doctor Will that are out there doing the work.
So don't be ashamed. If you guys have any questions,
if you want to share your story with us, you
could email me at ax Naomi at gmail dot com
(58:46):
and I will spell Naomi for you in y om I.
So that's ask n y O m I and join
us next week for Week three of Love and Mental Health,
where we are diving into couples therapy and mental health
with special guests Terry Christie. And it's going to be
another powerful powerful you want to say something might might
(59:08):
be supposed to got all good?
Speaker 7 (59:10):
All good?
Speaker 4 (59:11):
All right? So what great show? So until then, keep loving,
keep healing, and always protect your mind and your heart.
Remember be good to one another, in yourself and always
keep it safe. Have to make me all right? That
beautiful people is your girdy God is Nammy bangs here.
And if you enjoy today's episode, imo to make sure
to follow us on all major podcast prepform that's Apple Podcasts,
(59:32):
Spotify and iHeart Radio and join our live shows every
week to be a part of our interactive community and
share your stories. But also do you want to take
your journey to the next level? Well visit our website
for exclusive content, relationship workbooks, and upcompany events, as well
as follow me on social media at ask Naomi for
(59:54):
dairy inspirations, behind the scenes and moments. And I've got
to spell Naomi for you. That's in why yes again,
this is your host Naomi. Thanks for reminding you that
every day is an opportunity to level up and love
intimacy and self discovery, and as always keep is so
simply sexy.
Welcome to a podcast like no other. Get ready for
insightful conversations, diverse perspectives, into touch of inspiration. This is
Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast. Join your host, the
dynamic Naomi Banks, as she delves into the heart of
various topics with a refreshing blend of curiosity and wisdom.
Each week Tunings Naomi is joined by special guests who
(00:35):
bring their unique stories and expertise.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
To the table.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
It's a journey of discovery, learnings, and growing. And let's
not forget about the one and only dog Pound in
My money. Adding his favor and the layer to the mix.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Together they make him dynamic.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Held you bout.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Want of these from thought provoking discussions to moments of
laughter and joy, and Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast
offers a space where great topics meet amazing guests. Mark
your calendars, set your reminders, and prepare to be entertained
into life. Join Naomi Banks and Dog Pound Mike weekly
for an unforgettable podcast experience. Get ready to bridge the Gap,
(01:11):
expand your horizons, and immerse yourself in the world of Asknaom.
Subscribe now and stay tuned for a podcast journey like
no other.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
All right, hey, my beautiful people, will welcome back to
XNAM in Bridging the Gap full live, this is what
we talk about love, sex, relationship, culture differences and so
much more. Why bridging the gap between them all and
teaching the world on sex, language, attitude and some spiritual uplifting.
But this month, this month, we're doing something special. We're
doing something special. And if I didn't say, you know
(01:45):
who I am, I am the host Naomi Banks. And
we are in week two. We are in week two
of our Love and Mental Health series for Mental Health
Awareness Month. But tonight we are diving into one of
the most important questions that many of us face in
silence is how do you support a partner with mental
(02:06):
health challenges without losing yourself in the process. Now, before
we jump in, I want to remind you of why
this series inspired me. It was inspired by a letter
from one of our listeners. He's a forty two year
old disabled veteran who wrote this, and he said, I've
changed and or tried to appease my excess and lost
(02:29):
myself in the process. I'm a forty two year old
disabled veteran. Should I just accept the fact that I'm
going to be single forever, and he has PTSD. The
letter reminded us of why the work matters, and each
week we are honoring the stories that rarely get told.
Tonight we're adding another letter to this conversation, and this
(02:51):
one is from a spouse and a parent carrying love, confusion,
and a whole lot of courage. And here's what they wrote.
They said, I am married to my spouse who has
who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder just a few years ago.
I understand more now about the move swings to anger
and the emotional shifts. But we have two small children,
(03:13):
ages three and seven. How do I even begin to
explain one parent's mental illness to them? You know, that's
deep and that's some real and if that's your reality too,
tonight's episode is for you. So before we bring our
(03:34):
amazing guest to the stage, I'm going to take a
quick break up right, it's your gritty Guy's Numy Banks
here on as lay Only Bridget Gap podcast, and we
will be right.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Back join us this may for a groundbreaking series that
bridges the gap between love and mental wellness. Love and
mental health, A powerful four part journey exploring the intricate
connection between relationships and mental well being. Every Thursday at
six Pmcive Standard Time, join host Miaomi Banks alongside our
resident therapist, doctor Will Washington, health psychologist and owner of
(04:07):
Washington Wellness Institute, who brings his expertise to all four
powerful episodes. Each week, they're joined by remarkable specialists. Week
one May first, author of God's Divine Plans for Marriage
and ordained Christian minister Kristin a Cole tackles dating while
managing mental health.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
Week two May eighth.
Speaker 5 (04:28):
Marriage and family therapist to Quela Wheatley, owner and founder
of Support Advice, discusses supporting a partner with mental health challenges.
Week three May fifteenth, Celebrity relationship coach and intuitive energy
healer Terry Christi, TV personality and author of The Secret
Power of You explores couple's therapy and mental health. Week
(04:49):
four May twenty second, London based clinical psychologist and sex
Slash Intimacy coach doctor Lori bethbisbay Delson to generational mental
health and relationships. This power house lineup combines doctor Washington's
ongoing expertise with specialized insights from our weekly guests, offering
you a comprehensive approach to mental health and relationships. Whether
(05:10):
you're single, dating, or in a committed relationship, this series
delivers the tools and understanding you need. Don't miss this
life changing series. Follow Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap on
your favorite podcast platform and visit Askmaomi dot com to
be part of the conversation. Because when it comes to
love and mental health, knowledge is power. Always keep it
(05:32):
so sexy.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Washington wells into two focuses on healing. Always for me,
if I look good, then I feel good. If I
feel good, then I share the good. If I share
the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate
the good, then I live the good. So I can
be paid to be migrative. But I have to learn
the good to be the good. So what does it
(05:56):
take to be the greatest? It's as simple as a
free fifteen minute console time. Be kind to yourself and
He'll always.
Speaker 6 (06:09):
All right.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
May beautiful people, Well, Welcome back to ax Naomi Bridge
the Gap podcast. We are live. We are doing a
special four part series this month called Love and Mental
Health in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, which I
can't do this by myself. I had to say it
before I get what's going on doctarma Michael, all right,
(06:29):
and I see BTG cour I see oh y'all with
y'all comments and your likes, make sure y'all hit those
like buttons, those like buttons. All right, But joining me,
I have some phenomenal people that is coming to the stage. First,
I want to introduce mis Aquila Whitney. She is a
licensed marriage and family therapist with advanced degrees in psychology
(06:50):
and philosophy. She's a founder of Support Advice, and she
helps couples and families navigate love, caregiving, and healing with
new passion and clarity. As we joined by again our
resident therapist, doctor Will Washington. He's a licensed professional clinical
counselor supervisor, clinical hypotherapist, a distinguished Psychedelic Assistant Therapist. I
(07:12):
can keep going on and on and on. You know
a P A D. And help say I bought it,
you know all that stuff that he got going up right?
Yeah right, This brother is blazing trails and trauma recovery
and his moyal distress. You know why I'm so honored
to always have you with me at my my my
cod Island. But were a weapon a quilla to the
(07:35):
status I am. I am blessed and I am ready
for this conversation doctors talked about. He said, we're gonna
We're gonna do it today.
Speaker 7 (07:49):
We will.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
You don't play, don't play.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
I know that's right, all right, my beautiful people. So
what I want to do. I want to start off
with our first segment. Is it about under standing mental
health in the relationship. So I want to ask you,
my listeners out there just listening all over the place,
have you ever loved someone through a storm that you
couldn't fully understand? I want you to drop it, drop
(08:14):
your comments in the chat, drop your comments in attack,
and we want to hear. We want to hear your truth.
All right. So, Aquila, what are some common signs that
your partner may be struggling with their mental health? And
what does that look like inside of a relationship where
love gets tested by anxiety, depression, or even bipolar episodes.
Speaker 8 (08:40):
So I want to start by saying, one of the
first things that you will see is an unhealthy.
Speaker 7 (08:46):
Attachment, right.
Speaker 8 (08:48):
And so when we look at attachment patterns, you have
anxious attachment, you have anxious avoidant attachment styles, right, And
so when you see someone that is a attaching anxiously.
There's also a red flag there that they're probably struggling
with anxiety, fears of abandonment, different types of trauma, because
(09:13):
that is a trauma response and a trauma attachment pattern.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
Mm hm, did you want to add on to that,
doctor wheel?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
No, that's that's that's it. That's the foundation of it.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Okay, beautiful, So let's talk about support. Let's talk about
support strategies with the partners. You know, it's not just
a surface kind of thing, but it's the kind that
requires boundaries, strength, and sometimes stepping back to protect your peace.
So I got another question for my listeners out there.
Have you ever felt like you were slowly losing yourself
(09:48):
while trying to save someone that you love and what
boundaries help or did so? A quil I got another
question for you. What advice do you give someone who
wants to be there for their partner but feels like
they're becoming the therapists, the fixer, and the only source
of stability.
Speaker 8 (10:09):
So I want to say that is typically the role
that is filled in that because there's a lot of
codependency going on, right and so the person feels like
it's their job to save this individual. And they find
purpose in that. That is how being in that relationship
serves them. And so I definitely let them know that
(10:33):
it's important that they step back, that they create emotional boundaries,
not just physical boundaries, right, but emotional boundaries, because in
mental health there's also natural manipulation, right from dealing with
someone that has depression. There's been plenty of times that
(10:53):
I've had clients tell me what the person said, they're
about to kill themselves, right, and just to keep them
on the phone, just to keep them on the line, right,
and to assure.
Speaker 7 (11:03):
Them that there's resources for that. Okay, that is not
your role, right.
Speaker 8 (11:12):
You are a partner, You are not a trained therapist,
right right.
Speaker 4 (11:17):
So let me ask you this. So the letter that
was just written in about the parent and how you
know their spouse was just diagnosed with bipolar a few
years ago and they have two small children. How do
you have that conversation with the three and a seven
year old or what's going on in their home or
what's happening with that other parent?
Speaker 7 (11:39):
M Are you asking me or doctor?
Speaker 4 (11:41):
Will either?
Speaker 7 (11:45):
Doctor?
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Yeah? Of course? Well, I love I love that question
because a lot of times, as adults, we overstand to underfeel,
and we explain so much about what's happening, what's not
happening with all these all this stuff. And I tell
my clients if I was a third grader, how would
you explain to me what you're going through? And they
have to get to the root of what's happening, the
(12:09):
actual emotion. Right, we talk about symptoms all the time,
Wilways use the big words all the time, but we
never just talk about how we feel. And children actually
have the highest capacity to take on harder things in life.
So we have the first take of the stigma that
kids can't handle difficult situations. They can and they can
recover a lot faster than you too, by the way,
(12:30):
right then we let them know that there is a
lifestyle change. Kids can adjust to lifestyles a lot faster
because they're relying on you to be the parent. So first, secondly,
trust yourself as a parent that you can help your
child learn because a lot of us use our own
shame and guilt and think that we don't have the
skill or the ability to raise a child. But that
(12:53):
child only knows you, right, so actually embrace the inherited responsibility.
And then lastly, just make sure that when you talk
about a difficulty, you can call it what it is,
but don't treat them like children. Help them explain what
it means. Because if you can't explain it to them,
well then can you deal with it?
Speaker 8 (13:14):
Right?
Speaker 3 (13:15):
If you can't explain it for yourself to other people,
I don't expect you to explain to a child. So
also make sure that you understand your own knowledge and
frame of reference and know what the boundaries are and
what the behaviors are, because the truth is that once again,
the mental illness isn't the problem. It's how we go
through it and how we integrate it into our lives
as a family. So it takes that awareness and it
(13:36):
takes that understanding.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
Well, thank you for that beautiful set, Aquila. Do you
want to add on to that?
Speaker 7 (13:42):
I do and will.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
That was absolutely amazing, And I think that it's also
important because kids tend to internalize right, that they also
understand that it is not their fault, right, that the
parent is going through what they're going through, right, And also,
like Bill said, express and talk about.
Speaker 7 (14:05):
The big emotions.
Speaker 8 (14:07):
However, I also want to say that sometimes, especially with
bipolar disorder, it can be dangerous right, And so you
know that's part of a conversation as well, because there
is a responsibility around mental and emotional health where we're.
Speaker 7 (14:26):
Not saying, okay, well you know that is today.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Right, But then he's running around punching holes in a
wall because now that's traumatic, that's a problem.
Speaker 7 (14:38):
So there's a there's so there's.
Speaker 8 (14:39):
A bigger responsibility on the adults there as well as
far as protective capacity.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Yeah, so so let's go just a little a little further,
a little deeper. We we're watching something in real time.
I think you and I got the will. We talked
a little bit about this last week when we talked
about social media, and we see that a celebrity right
now that he is going through a manic on social media.
(15:08):
So social media being such a big thing, and he's
been diagnosed with bipolar. But the attacks that he's given,
you know, to certain people into the world, and he
has children that actually are on social media emotionally, how
can a parent emotionally try to protect or guide their
child through something like that, were better helping them emotionally,
(15:32):
If y'all can understand my question, now.
Speaker 8 (15:36):
I do understand the question, Will, did you mind if
I I said something because I'm oh, okay. So when
I when I hear what you're asking, I hear so
if your mom was a heroin adict or if your
dad was a serious alcoholic, well, you know, how would
(15:58):
you make that okay? Or how would you deal with
the How could you talk to them in a way
that is supportive? Yes, you can support right, But when
it comes down to these types of things, there are boundaries, okay,
because there's a responsibility for the individual that is having
the mental and emotional break down to seek help and
(16:21):
be made compliant. If they're not doing that, your protective
capacity then is to protect the kids and get them
out of the way.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Yeah, And that environment is so important, and I think
that's what causes so much childhood abuse is simply the
fact that kids are just in the wrong environment. It
really is. And I touch you them all the time.
It's not about who you are, it's about where you were,
you know, And I don't think that you know. And
unfortunately there is a call to parents that you have
(16:56):
all these words that mean what you go through, But
the responsibility is still the same, right, responsibility is still
the same, And are you parent enough to remove yourself too.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
M Yeah, did you have something to say? You know something?
Speaker 9 (17:17):
And I hear what everybody's saying all that you know,
but sometime in the relationship, and I want to know
your opinion on this is if the person that's going
through that going through that issue, going through that mental issue,
you love that person. And as most men, I know
women too, we try to protect everyone, you know, how
(17:38):
do we how do we break away from that bounty like, Okay,
I of course I won't. I want to help my kids,
but I want to help my spouse of my loved
one as well. And sometimes we just go into a
whole protective mode of protecting everybody, you know. But I
understand about protecting the kids, but sometimes we get caught
up in that.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
I'll be brief with this. So I love that you
said that. So this is where where relational transparency matters
so much. This is that moment where I have to
go to the parents say, hey, what I want from
you is to come home to a space where my
kids aren't worried about if you're gonna hurt them or not.
(18:23):
And right now I don't know if that's gonna be possible.
I need to know what it's gonna take for you
to feel like you can come home safe? Now, how
we can make you safe? But what do you need
to make sure you can feel safe before you walk
into this door? And do we have to have a
safety check before you come in? And if not, what's planned?
(18:45):
B you gotta stay at the auntie's house, or you
gotta stay at your cousin's house, or I have a
budget where you have to you're gonna have to stay
at the motel for the night. But that level six
six behaviors, six out of ten behavior that means that
means that you you can't be in the house before
you come in. Let's do a number check and once
you get to number six, No, number five, we can
(19:07):
talk about it. Number four you need to talk to somebody.
Number three you can come home. Level two you can
come home. Level one you can come home. But there
can be a scale in this. But we don't ever
take that time out to have that conversation of transparency.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
M I love that answer accluded that you want to
add on to that.
Speaker 8 (19:26):
Yes, transparency is very important. I completely agree with doctor Will.
It's also important to understand that someone with mental health issues, they're.
Speaker 7 (19:40):
Not always lucid.
Speaker 8 (19:42):
Right, They're not always in a frame of mind where
they can articulate or even recognize themselves that they're a danger.
Speaker 7 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 8 (19:52):
So if I think I'm at a three and I
come to the door and you see me, and I
completely manic and I'm trying to barge in, I'm not
aware that I'm a threat.
Speaker 7 (20:07):
And that's the issue there.
Speaker 8 (20:09):
I'm not doing this because i want to hurt everybody.
I'm doing this because I'm not aware that I'm even
coming off as someone dangerous or anything like that. And
so when it comes to love, right, because I do
want to talk about what Mike said, right, when it
comes to love, yes, that is important, and it's important
(20:33):
to let them know it is because you love them
that you need them to do what they need to
do for them to get the help so that they
can be in the relationship, because from an externalization perspective,
you're not in a relationship with them anymore. You're in
a relationship with the mental health disease, and you want
(20:56):
them back, and that's what you have to.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
Let them know.
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Yeah, I love that answer. I love that answer.
Speaker 8 (21:02):
Quila.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
So let's do this. Let's take a quick break and
then when we come back, we're gonna get more deep
into this. So right, all right, my beautiful people, thank
you all for listening. We will be back, right back.
It's your gourdy Goudy's Namby Banks there. Won't ask my
own vision of Gap podcast.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
We will be right Join us this May for a
groundbreaking series that bridges the gap between love and mental wellness.
Love and Mental Health, a powerful four part journey exploring
the intricate connection between relationships and mental well being. Every
Thursday at six pm Pacific Standard time, join host Naomi
Banks alongside our resident therapist, doctor Will Washington, health psychologist
(21:39):
and owner of Washington Wellness Institute, who brings his expertise
to all four powerful episodes. Each week, they're joined by
remarkable specialists. Week one, May first, author of God's Divine
Plans for Marriage and ordained Christian minister Kristin Nicole tackles
dating while managing mental health.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Week two May eighth.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Marriage and family therapist to Quela Wheatley, owner and founder
of Support Advice, discusses supporting a partner with mental health challenges.
Week three May fifteenth, celebrity relationship coach and intuitive energy
healer Terry Christy, TV personality and author of the Secret
Power of You explores couple's therapy and mental health. Week four,
(22:22):
May twenty second, London based clinical psychologist and sex Slash
Intimacy coach, doctor Lori Bathbisbey dels into generational mental health
and relationships. This powerhouse lineup combines doctor Washington's ongoing expertise
with specialized insights from our weekly guests, offering you a
comprehensive approach to mental health and relationships. Whether you're single, dating,
(22:44):
or in a committed relationship, This series delivers the tools
and understanding you need. Don't miss this life changing series.
Follow Ask Maaomi bridging the Gap on your favorite podcast platform,
and visit Askmaomi dot com to be part of the conversation.
Because when it comes to love and mental health, knowledge
is power. Always keep it so sexy?
Speaker 4 (23:07):
All right, Well, welcome back to AX. Now visitly that podcast.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
All right at.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
BTG care I see over that comments. Actually, I'm going
to drop the phone number right now. If you have
any questions for a Queela or doctor will all my
stuffs at dot com, Mike Mike, give us a call
at seven six five two seventy five five two seven
that seven sixty five two seven one five two seven. Again,
(23:32):
this month is all about mental health awareness. We're doing
a very special series of four part series called Love
and Health Today. It's all about supporting relationships while being
with someone that has mental health. We've been going deep
into conversations right now, all right, doctor will So I
got some questions from you that was submitted from some
(23:54):
of our listeners. Are you you ready to answer some
of them? Let's do it, all right, let's go. So
what the first question is? How do I know if
I'm being supportive or if I'm being enabling?
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Oh? Okay, I would love to answer this, but the
fact that Aquila's company is called supportive Advice, I feel
like answer this or ask a question again for a
quilla and then I'll out come back.
Speaker 4 (24:19):
Okay, I know. That's why I passed the patar.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 8 (24:24):
So when when I hear someone ask how do I
know that I am being supportive or if I am enabling?
I would first ask them how are you feeling after
the experience?
Speaker 7 (24:41):
Are you completely exhausted?
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Right?
Speaker 8 (24:45):
And are you creating an environment that embodies the issue right?
Or are you creating healthy boundaries to help the person
rise to where you need them to be. So that
that lets you know a lot of times when you
are in a space where you are enabling right, there
(25:07):
is a part of what you're doing that's serving you,
and a lot of people don't don't tend to see
that or understand that. But it doesn't have to be
a great situation or a pleasant situation to serve you.
Speaker 7 (25:21):
So you really have to.
Speaker 8 (25:22):
Look deep into yourself and understand the motives behind what
you're doing and also how what you're doing is affecting
you from a mental and emotional standpoint.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
Beautiful, I love that. I love that answer. Thank you, doctor,
word dies you want to say something?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Yes, I think to keep it simple is understanding that
your involvement your investment in your relationship are usually really
tied together, and it's understanding that what you want for
them and what you have to offer them are two
(25:57):
different worlds. And so we have to become emotionally sober
in that moment. And that's a really hard place to
be because you might go through those emotional emotional withdrawals
feeling like you're being supportive, and it's really important to
not get so caught up in the in the in
the I guess the drunkenness of feeling helpful, because sometimes
(26:20):
you become helpless by being too helpful.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
I love that, Yeah, I love that one. All right,
So here's another one. They say I love them, but
their depression is draining me. I'm starting to feel resentful.
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Mm hmm, that you know? I love the word. With
self awareness comes emotional responsibility. So why are you making
yourself exhausted? How much of yourself are you putting out?
Why do you feel like you're responsible for that? What
is this resent Usually when resentment right, you point one finger,
there's four back at you. There's probably three or four
(27:01):
other reasons why you're not taking care of yourself. So
my thing is, if we're in a session, I would say, well,
tell me your routine. How do you wake up, how
do you eat breakfast? How do you work out? How
do you read the book? How do you have friends?
How do you hang out? How do you what happened
in your life to make your life less relevant and
their issues more present to you?
Speaker 4 (27:23):
Right?
Speaker 3 (27:24):
So I want to make sure that you have your
life before you have other peoples. And then we once
once they get that together, then you ask them, well,
how important is their depression to you? You know, And
unfortunately it's it's this moment where compatibility is a genuine
conversation as well. And for me, I don't I might
(27:47):
be different to other people, but I don't mind if
you are together or if you break up. That's I
don't really care about whether or not you're together or not.
That's not my problem. My thing is I need two
active people out there, healthy right to individual people actively
working on being healthy and deciding and sharing experience together.
And if you're not being healthy, going to grow apart
(28:10):
mm hm. And so it's it's it's natural for lives
to to move apart from each other. But I hope
we wanted to get to that conversation. Hopefully your life
will be so invested that you can have space to happen.
Speaker 4 (28:26):
Right Thank you, beautiful, you know right now over there
at the Season and Stuff Love podcast, that's something that
we're talking about this month about nurturing relationships, and that's
one of the things we talked about about the foundation
of our relationship. But today I shared about having relational
with one another, but understanding what that looks like in
(28:47):
between and understanding about over extending yourself and you know,
not understanding what your boundaries are a lot of times,
and it's something that I shared a lot of times,
we don't even know what boundaries are because that's something
that we were never to. You know. I come from
an era to where both of my grandmothers, their homes
were revolving doors where they would help any in everybody
(29:08):
that comes in because there was no boundary set up.
You know, we always want to help those that are
less fortunate or whatever that goes through. But don't know
is that through all of that we have we built
you know, toxic you know, habits and traits and you know,
sending that through generational you know things. I found myself
(29:30):
doing the same thing with my home, you know, making
it to where it was a revolving door to help
different you know people. But once I started going through
my healing journey and my self love journey, I kind
of understood on where to you know, bring my boundaries,
you know, and be bold with them. And what I
mean bold with them is telling with my my boundaries
(29:50):
alt and not always a negative thing. And that's one
thing is that we have to understand that when you
do put those boundaries up, that it's not negative thing.
It's not a selfish thing, you know. Yeah, we got
a caller. All right, we got a caller, y'all? All right?
(30:13):
Caller Hello? Hello, you there? Hello, yep, we hear you. Hello,
caller Hello, Hello. I'm doing well. How about yourself?
Speaker 2 (30:35):
I'm doing doing good?
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Okay. How can we help you? Love?
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (30:42):
Tell me.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I have been listening to your show for about a
week and you've been very good what you're saying. I
also want to talk to you outside of the show
about something that a little more confusing than me, about
something that's been coming up and comb and death messages
(31:08):
have been getting down methage.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
You begin what you begin text text messages from.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Whom somebody claiming to be you.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
Oh no, baby, that's not me. No, that's not me, baby,
I'm so no, that's not me. Love you, No, baby?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
How would I.
Speaker 4 (31:35):
You know what you know? Honestly, I do not know,
because that is a problem that has been going on
with myself and other people that you know of notary
of celebrity wise that has that. The only thing that
I can tell you is that I know that it's
not me. I do not talk to people on chat
or anything like that. If you haven't booked me for
a one on one transformational life coaching thing, then you
(31:59):
won't be talking to me. Baby, were on here. Yeah,
I'm glad.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
I'm shining out the proof about this person because I'm
really exposed to well exposed.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
I hope you didn't send them no money. Did you
send them any money?
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, they didn't ask for money yet. But it was
a lot about wanting to get together, having sex, you know,
and other things. And I explained the fake person that
you said on your show podcast that you was a
married woman. Yes, a married woman.
Speaker 4 (32:39):
Yes, so you no, no, that's no yeah, block yeah,
block them. You know. First of all, I appreciate you.
I appreciate you coming on and just sharing that with me.
A lot of people will fall, you know, subject to that,
and and and it's just unfortunate that people are out
here just being an ass and doing things like that.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
But that's also a real topic though.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I've been getting to check from other people. A couple
was from newscasts, from supposedly local newscasts, and another one
was the lot somebody closing as the lot of Brown.
Speaker 4 (33:29):
Oh lord, no, no, love, no, no, no, m no.
I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
But what I needed was just take this person off
of with block, this person trying to send me messages.
Speaker 4 (33:48):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Yes, okay. Thank you for for taking their time with Denali.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Alright, no problem, love, thank you for calling it. Thank
you for sharing that with me too. Thank you for
letting me know you have a good one. So what
would you say, doctor will?
Speaker 3 (34:12):
So I would love to talk about that though, because
it's actually important that that's so. There's five different types
of abuse, right, you have physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse,
but then you also have uh, digital abuse as well,
and we don't talk about how people this is. In
this new age, digital abuse is at an all time high,
(34:33):
and lov of us don't even realize consider it even abuse.
So tracking people saying unsolicitous the pictures, right, tagging people,
sharing locations, forced passwords codes, you know, making multiple burner accounts, right, like,
those are forms of abuse. And and this is and
I speak with people, it's about cybersecurity. And there's so
(34:55):
many people that are even extorted, right, sexual astortion, and
that's all for a digital abuse. And we don't even
realize that we're being groomed in a way that normalizes it.
And so I just appreciated that conversation. It felt like
it was like, well, where is this going? But the
truth is that that is happening every day in a
(35:15):
saturated amount, and so I just appreciate her calling and
actually bringing it to you because that arises a bigger problem.
Speaker 4 (35:24):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for saying that, doctor, will you
know because it's so many I was joking with Dog
Pound Mike, not just about cat fishing, and a lot
of people are taking it a lot much further than that.
I know. You know my mom for one instance, she always,
you know, come to me with these little things and
people these good get rich thcau you want something or whatever,
(35:44):
and they kind of target certain in different people. You know,
when you on certain things and they know what you're
looking for, they're gonna pretend to be who you want
them to be, you know, and that's what you have
to be very cautious on how you do and when
you you know, fall into those trips. And it's unfortunate
that they do that. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't
(36:10):
like that. But let's let's move on. To our last question.
This is the last question. The question said, they refuse
to help, but keep telling me they love me. Am
I supposed to stay?
Speaker 3 (36:25):
Doctor will Quila, please take that one.
Speaker 8 (36:29):
Okay, So I just want to clarify they're refusing help
or they're refusing to help.
Speaker 4 (36:35):
They're refusing help, but okay.
Speaker 8 (36:39):
Okay, if they are refusing help, then they don't want
you to say.
Speaker 7 (36:45):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 8 (36:47):
Your actions have to be congruent with your words. And
if you have said, look, this is unsafe, like if
you have determined this is unsafe for me, right, this
is not how I feel love. This is what needs
to happen for us to be able to continue within
this relationship. And they're telling you, no, I want to
(37:11):
continue in the relationship without giving you anything that you need.
Speaker 7 (37:17):
That's a problem. Yeah, that's a problem.
Speaker 8 (37:20):
Even if they do have mental health issues, there's gonna
be times where they're loose it, right, And if they're
doing that, that's not just mental health, that is emotional
abuse as well. That is a different type of manipulation
as well.
Speaker 4 (37:38):
Yeah, yeah, thank you for that. Thank you for that.
Did you want to add on to.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
That, doctor will Yes, and I really think it's important
to understand that you are not in a relationship to
be an emotional punching bag. I had to really make sure.
I had to check myself a lot because I have
friends that will really just go in on me, and
I'm like, WHOA are you doing this? Because you know
(38:04):
how Just because I know how to hold space for
you doesn't mean you need to take it all up right.
And so I always say, turn that space into a container,
because my whole space I'm actively with you. Right when
I hold a container, it means that there are rules
and regulations, right. And so when someone says something like that,
(38:25):
you have to give a deadline, right. I give my
friends deadlines. If I ever give anybody a deadline about
how I need things, that's how I know I'm because
I need you to respect my intentions with you. So, hey,
if you do this three times in a week, just
know that I'm planning my way out. And I don't
have to even tell you I'm planning my way out.
Once you do the three things, I'm already calculating my
(38:47):
way out. I don't have to make it a big
deal of Grandio's deal. I'm out and reminding you so
my thing is create deadlines because you have to honor
your capacity at all times in those type of relationships.
Speaker 4 (39:02):
I love that, Thank you. I love that. All right.
And so for everyone listening right now, I had a
question for you, what's something that you wish that someone
told you about loving someone with mental illness. Let us
know in the chat, give us a text right there
in the chat. Things all right? All right? So before
we close, I want to lift up two deeply personal
(39:25):
stories that were shared with that I want to share
with the audience, and that some of the listeners had
wrote in this past week after watching last week's show.
One of them, we're going to call this silent STrenD,
she said, I've been dating my fiance for five years
now and he just recently proposed to me. I have
to be honest. I've never shared my diagnosis of clinical
(39:48):
depression with him. I've been able to manage it with medication,
and I've never had an episode during our relationship. But
now that we're talking about building a family together, I've
feel this weight. What if it shows up later? What
if it changes how he sees me?
Speaker 3 (40:14):
Normalized? Normalize your love if you have the capacity to
love the fact that you have the capacity to be
worried about this. It means you have the capacity to
care beyond the problem itself. Right, I always like to
work within the concern. Right, It's always about people that
are unsure about having kids usually make great parents, right
(40:38):
because they're so worried about what type of parent they
would be. Right, we have to understand that your mental
illness is not going to stop you from being the
parent you think you should be, because a lot of
times you need to be the parent that the child needs.
And that is a staple issue in just parenting in general,
is that because so many parents that are trying to
(40:58):
be this parent that they didn't have other than being
the parent that the child actually needs. And that is
something about when you expand families. There's going to be adjustments,
it's going to be growth, there's going to be challenges,
there's going to be changes, and yet you are still
the same person that was chosen to be there in
the beginning. So it's understanding the confidence and the self
esteem that's needed to be present and to reinforce that.
(41:22):
And so you may have to ask your partner for
some reassurance, you know, and that reassurance might be able
to do more check ins, you know, and to do
family therapy before the family even grows. Right, there's a
lot of preventative measures to be put in place.
Speaker 4 (41:36):
Yeah, thank you for that, doctor will Accuda. Do you
have anything to add to it?
Speaker 7 (41:40):
Yes? Absolutely.
Speaker 8 (41:43):
I want to say that when I hear someone say, well,
I haven't told anyone this, right, I hear shame, I
hear guilt. Right, you are more than a stigma. You
are human being, and you have a right to exist
(42:05):
and to feel and to understand that there's value in
your experience, in your presence, right, And so you don't
have to hide your depression.
Speaker 7 (42:19):
You don't have to hide that.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Right.
Speaker 8 (42:21):
We all feel sadness, we all go through various emotions,
and for some reasons, at some point in this person's life,
they felt as though they were less than and that
they had to feel guilty for not being with whomever
else needed them to be.
Speaker 7 (42:42):
But if you're getting married to.
Speaker 8 (42:44):
Someone and you're not telling them who you are or
a part of who you are, they're not marrying you,
they're not marrying the truth, and you don't know if
they'll have the capacity for you if you don't let
them in. Don't be ashamed of who you are, don't
(43:04):
be ashamed of yourself, don't be ashamed of how you feel,
because that lets me know you haven't done self work,
self love work, and no one can love you more
than you love yourself.
Speaker 4 (43:19):
Beautiful, Beautiful said, beautiful said, you know what? And I
want to just say this to the listeners. I want
to I want to thank you. I want to thank
you for the courage just even write in and just
share this. I want you to know that you are
truly built love with just carrying your tooth, but also
know that just being brave enough to share it with
us right now, to share with us right now. All right,
So we got one more and this one right here
(43:42):
it hey, test, can you roll it up so I
can see it? Please? Thank you? And this one is
he says. I'm a care I'm a caregiver to my
eighty five year old father who has suffered with PTSD
for decades and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother
passed away a few years ago, so the responsibility is
(44:03):
on me. I've been dating someone new for nine months
and it's getting serious. I told her about the Alzheimer's
but not the PTSD. He has blow ups at some times,
and I promised my mother I wouldn't put him in
a home. How do I navigate all this without losing
this relationship of breaking that promise? First of all, to
(44:27):
the listener, I want to just say this, thank you,
Thank you for honoring your parents and just still making
space for love. It's not easy for me, and I'm
just going to say this. I remember when my father
passed away, and I felt that it was my responsibility
as the oldest child to make sure that my mom
was taking care of And right now I am her
(44:49):
caregiver as she is now diagnosed herself with dementia, and
so it's I'm just blessed that, you know, my husband
is very understanding in that situation. So when I read
this letter, I said, wow, you know I never thought
about that being in within a new relationship, coming into
(45:10):
something like that that could be unfamiliar to that person.
So for you, doctor will and Aquila, what would you
say to this person?
Speaker 3 (45:21):
Yeah, do you want me to start first to hear?
Speaker 7 (45:22):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (45:23):
Yes, we have to understand that there's three phases in
this that I see. The first phase is understanding when
am I coming in with what am I working on
with you? And when am I hoping for us to
be and really laying that out if this really is
(45:45):
your person, if this really is the person that you
really want to weather that storm with through, if you
really want that, give them the chance to be successful
with all of you not some of you and a
lot of us get missed out on that part in
the beginning of marriages because we always want to give
our best foot forward, but not our most authentic self. Yeah,
you know, And so you know, it's beautiful that you
(46:07):
have this awareness right now, you have this concern right now,
and it also lets you see what type of person you're
going to be with because if this is the hardest
it is coming into this and they say, yes, what
do you need? How do you need this? They're asking
you to lead, They're asking you to be a good follower,
They're asking you to be a good partner, They're asking
(46:28):
you to be a good communicator. They're asking you to
be a good lover and an understanding person. And they're
also reflecting that back to you at the same time.
And that foundation of coming into it, working on with
you and what you're hoping to see together, given that
pathway is a very sexy thing. So that someone's thinking
about me that much to think of the before, during,
(46:48):
and after because they're that serious about me. Give them
the chance to see you for who you truly are
so they can be who they truly are for you.
So I'm excited for you and I hope to really
hear what happens for you, Beautiful.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
Thank you for that. Thank you for that, Aquila. Did
you want to add on to it?
Speaker 7 (47:06):
I just wanted to say that.
Speaker 8 (47:10):
It's okay for you to feel overwhelmed, right, and it's
also okay for you to feel some resentment if you
are feeling those things around wanting to fulfill this promise
but also wanting to pursue a life for yourself, right,
(47:31):
and understand that these two things don't have to be different,
but in combining them, it is not always going to be.
Speaker 7 (47:39):
A smooth situation, right.
Speaker 8 (47:42):
There is going to be chaos in that, and it's
okay because we can grow in chaos. So I just
encourage you to give yourself grace as well as your
partner as you guys move forward.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Yeah, beautiful, FULK, do you have anything to add on
to caer I like that grow in Chaos. We're gonna
have to talk about that one. That's gonna have to
be a whole whole subject right there.
Speaker 3 (48:09):
Give these episodes come on.
Speaker 4 (48:15):
All right, that beautiful people. If this conversation has touched you,
I want try to do something with it. I want
you to support mental health care by donating to men
Mental Health America. Right now, we are doing a nice
little pleasures called give Classy doc or Love and Mental Health,
and also grab our exclusive Mind and Heart merch collection
(48:39):
created just for this series. One hundred percent of all
our proceeds that support this is going directly to that,
so we get no cuts at all. You can go
to as Naomi dot com to for that. I'll also
go to all Naomi dot creator, dot spring dot com
as well. So first we are at the end of
(49:01):
our show. This was good, It went past fast and
it was moving. So what I want to do is
I want to go to some questions if in the comments,
do you got do y'all mind? No? You good? But
y'all good with it? Okay? Ye up to some comments
because we I saw some over here on this screen
(49:21):
over here, so can you read?
Speaker 9 (49:24):
Actually it was one that over on Instagram that someone
said that and let me.
Speaker 4 (49:29):
I can't go back to you won't let me.
Speaker 9 (49:31):
But they said, how can they love someone and put
boundaries on on the situation?
Speaker 2 (49:39):
You know?
Speaker 9 (49:39):
I guess that's that's the thing where when you say
bring everything to the table and they put everything out there,
but then you still put boundaries on some things. I
guess they won't know how to get how to get between,
how to navigate between that.
Speaker 4 (49:53):
M hm.
Speaker 3 (49:59):
Hm.
Speaker 4 (50:00):
You know what, because we all.
Speaker 6 (50:05):
Right, I was like, okay, you know, all I was
going to say was boundaries is not the same as
omission or withholding.
Speaker 7 (50:16):
Okay, So if.
Speaker 8 (50:18):
We're putting everything out on the table, we're also putting
out our boundaries, which is where we feel comfortable. It's
basically telling our partner, the people that we love, this
is my capacity and this is how I need you
to respect it. So it's not about holding information, it's not.
Speaker 7 (50:37):
About not being truthful.
Speaker 8 (50:40):
It's about being very truthful with your capacity around those
that love you.
Speaker 4 (50:46):
Mm hmmmm mm hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
I was gonna say my focus was on boundaries as well.
It's I think sometimes we think of boundaries as like
an offensive move, and it's like, No, it's it's more
about learning who you are becoming and teaching who are
who you are becoming and then learning that Like if
I decide to change my name, I'm William, but you
call me will it's not. The integrity is still there, right,
(51:14):
I'm still the person. It's just this is another part
of me and I'm still just as present as I
can be. So we got to take that shame around
adjusting our identities for people. It's a lot of shame
to that.
Speaker 4 (51:26):
Yeah, I love that, you know. I just want to
just add on to that is when we talk about boundaries,
especially over there at the Self Love Podcast, it's more
truly understanding who you are and what it is best
for you. Sometimes when we start off, things are no
longer align with us, and we have to acknowledge that
and pay honor to our own being. So, if you
(51:48):
are in these relationships and it becomes draining at times,
and it becomes it gives you all of these red
flags that Akula talked about earlier today, earlier in ours though, Dennis,
sometimes it is best to, you know, step back, And
what I mean step back is like, Okay, let me
realize what it is that I will tolerate what it
is that it's best for me in this relationship for me,
(52:12):
and it's not a selfish think. If something I said
this morning about me being me, putting my boundaries up,
my self respect for me should not be disrespectful.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
To you, And if you are, and if you feel disrespected,
it means that you went beyond your boundaries and you
did not What does that really mean if you don't
like my boundaries? What does that really mean about you?
Speaker 4 (52:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (52:40):
Right? How much do you did you like me? Or
did you like your access?
Speaker 4 (52:43):
Exactly? There we go, there we go. So I hope
that that that helps answer your question for that, and
thank you, you know for that. Do you guys have
any last words to share with our audience?
Speaker 7 (53:01):
Will please please go.
Speaker 4 (53:02):
Ahead with no.
Speaker 3 (53:03):
I saw a question in the chat and it was
it was a really big question. But I guess we'll
talk about it later. I won't. I won't read it
out loud. I'll just it was. It was a hard question.
I was hoping the quila would answer that, but we
got time or not?
Speaker 4 (53:18):
Yeah, we got time.
Speaker 6 (53:18):
We got time.
Speaker 3 (53:19):
We got time. So the question was best advice for
dealing with the breakup? While she's pregnant.
Speaker 7 (53:28):
That's a hard one. I mean, it really is.
Speaker 8 (53:33):
But with the two minutes, right, what I'm going to
say is, remember that the breakup does not mean that
you cannot cohesively co parent, right. It is going to
be important that both the father and the mother deal
with their emotions, deal with their resentment, right, allowing still
(53:57):
for the other person to be a parent.
Speaker 3 (54:00):
Right.
Speaker 8 (54:00):
And so remember you broke up with your significant other,
you didn't break up with your child. Those those two
things are not synonymous. Mmm.
Speaker 4 (54:14):
I love that. Yeah, doctor Will, did you want to
say something?
Speaker 3 (54:17):
Yes, I think understanding that the mental obligation and the
emotional attachment can sometimes get cloudy, but we have to
understand that once again, who I am as a father
and who I am to you needs to be very
clear and needs to be very transparent, and to know
(54:38):
that we can still raise this child because we will. Yeah, right, yeah,
And so we have to normalize that your your your
relationship didn't fail. You didn't even start yet, but it
starts now that you understand, So you know, it's easier
when when when the baby is not present, so that
you can actually create what it's like to live together
(55:00):
what's the routine, what's the lifestyle, what's you know? Let's
create that now, Let's create the village now. So I
think it's so important to understand what type a village
you're going to create, even when you may not be
in the same home.
Speaker 4 (55:13):
I love that, beautiful, I love that, all right, my
beautiful fee. I thank y'all so much.
Speaker 8 (55:18):
This was good.
Speaker 4 (55:19):
It went very, very smooth. Again, Aquila, I want to
thank you for just coming on and just sharing your
Insta and your expertise. It was just flowing like boom
boom boom. Do you have any last words for our
listeners and where they can find you at if they
want any of your services, please share absolutely.
Speaker 8 (55:40):
I am founder of supportive advice dot com or Supportive Advice,
and so you can find me on supportive advice dot com.
Speaker 7 (55:47):
I also have a radio show called Damage.
Speaker 8 (55:50):
Control that airs on Thursdays at one o'clock, so you
can definitely check us out.
Speaker 7 (55:57):
Also have a podcast.
Speaker 8 (55:58):
And so many other things, So definitely make sure you
find me on social media a weekly m FT and
I look forward.
Speaker 4 (56:08):
To me with you, beautiful. I'm gonna have to have
you back on here so we can have it one
on one conversation.
Speaker 8 (56:13):
Oh yes, yes, I would love that. Thank you so
much for having me on.
Speaker 4 (56:18):
All right, doctor, well I know you'll be back here
next week. But what you got to say on this week?
Speaker 3 (56:23):
Yeah, of course, be kind to yourself and he'll always.
Speaker 2 (56:29):
Right.
Speaker 4 (56:30):
I love it. I love it. You know, I'm just messing.
Speaker 3 (56:32):
With him because I'm not gonna say nothing of You're
not pulling it like, you're not pulling me out. You're
pulling me out.
Speaker 4 (56:39):
I write my beautiful people again again. Look, I know
we talk, well, let's do the walk the support by
doing donating. When I say one hundred, we get nothing,
we get we get nothing. And so all of those
stories that you're here to day, trust and believe there
(57:01):
are stories that are probably more challenging that than that
and that need help and we need the funds to
be able to help that. It goes, everything goes to
Mental Health America Again. You can go to ax Naomi
dot com. You could push the donate button right there,
go over there and hit it. But first of all,
(57:21):
let me say this, because I didn't say this. I
want to thank everyone that has donated thus far. Thank
you so much for coming through and donating thus far,
but show them what asked Naomi can do, show them
what BTG crew can do. This is something that I
want to do every year. I want to show our support.
This is one of the one of the first of many,
(57:42):
you know, causes that we want to do. So come on,
let's show up. Let's put our best foot forward in
this and doing this. You know, I also want to say,
you know, just supporting others. It don't mean sacrificing your piece.
Speaker 3 (57:58):
It doesn't.
Speaker 4 (58:01):
You are so worthy of love, safety and care, safety
and care. When I say that, just looking back at
my childhood and just seeing so many relationships that were
caused by mental health and people didn't know what, didn't
have no place to go. Now they're due now somewhere
(58:23):
to help. We're removing the stigma. We're getting educated programs
like this is happening. We have people like a Quella
and doctor Will that are out there doing the work.
So don't be ashamed. If you guys have any questions,
if you want to share your story with us, you
could email me at ax Naomi at gmail dot com
(58:46):
and I will spell Naomi for you in y om I.
So that's ask n y O m I and join
us next week for Week three of Love and Mental Health,
where we are diving into couples therapy and mental health
with special guests Terry Christie. And it's going to be
another powerful powerful you want to say something might might
(59:08):
be supposed to got all good?
Speaker 7 (59:10):
All good?
Speaker 4 (59:11):
All right? So what great show? So until then, keep loving,
keep healing, and always protect your mind and your heart.
Remember be good to one another, in yourself and always
keep it safe. Have to make me all right? That
beautiful people is your girdy God is Nammy bangs here.
And if you enjoy today's episode, imo to make sure
to follow us on all major podcast prepform that's Apple Podcasts,
(59:32):
Spotify and iHeart Radio and join our live shows every
week to be a part of our interactive community and
share your stories. But also do you want to take
your journey to the next level? Well visit our website
for exclusive content, relationship workbooks, and upcompany events, as well
as follow me on social media at ask Naomi for
(59:54):
dairy inspirations, behind the scenes and moments. And I've got
to spell Naomi for you. That's in why yes again,
this is your host Naomi. Thanks for reminding you that
every day is an opportunity to level up and love
intimacy and self discovery, and as always keep is so
simply sexy.
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