Don’t F*ck With My Confidence

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We're not really penetrating the surface.

Speaker 2 (00:01):
We're like literally saying as much as we can in
like a five minute segment, and you have to like
it's tied up really pretty and we're not really used
to doing that, and granted we can. And like don't
say fuck, don't say sex, don't say pussy. You know,
like we've been obsessing about this for two weeks, like
don't say fun, don't say don't say bit, don't say
until Like the last appearance, Erica was like moms have sex,
and I was like, whoa.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
It was the New York News, Daytime News. I felt
like it was if it was either that or now
we're going home.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Welcome back to good mom's bad choices. I'm Erica and
I'm Nila. Happy Wednesday, Happy Weddesday's Wesday. Oh no, please
stop before we lose the people who just loves my voice.

Speaker 3 (01:08):
We've been waiting for this. My raps and my singing.
That is false, that's just false.

Speaker 4 (01:13):
I'm telling you my next phase of life.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
I'm gonna retap into my j phase and I don't
mean Erica and Jamila.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
Well then you need to not sing here.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
Hi, guys, it's Wednesday, we're hearing this stew Good Good Media.
We are finally home after a lot of weeks of traveling.
So many weeks we've been to like I don't know,
we've been gone like the last three weeks.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
Of the four weeks that we've had, we've.

Speaker 4 (01:42):
Been to three places.

Speaker 3 (01:43):
We went to Atlanta to go record with Samaya, shout
out to Not Just Not Just Another Sex podcast and
the se Content House.

Speaker 4 (01:52):
Record with Jade.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
We went to Mexico. We went to Mexico to do
some spiritual shit, and we came back for like one
and a half days and then went to New York. No,
that's not true.

Speaker 3 (02:02):
We came when out days, went from Atlanta, then went
to Mexico, then came back for like six days, and
then went to New York.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yes, and now we're here and I'm not gonna lie.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
I'm I'm a little bit depleted. Guys.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
A lot has happened. Our book is officially fucking out.
We're published authors. We have reviews on Amazon. If you
have gotten the book, please and you liked it, he
loved it. Please even if you hated it, still leave
a positive review. Go on Amazon, Go on Barnes and
no we'll go wherever the fuck you bought the book,
and please leave a review. I saw a lot of

(02:38):
white women with thousands of reviews, thousands.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
If the whites can get thousands, we can't get thousands.

Speaker 3 (02:46):
We get thousands of listens a month, I mean an episode,
thousands and thousands.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
I'm wondering if it's just like the lack of support
in our community, or is it like other just more
white people, or are white people are just like more like.

Speaker 3 (02:59):
Excited not I wouldn't say tareny they want to like
tell that they want.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
To They're just safe, like okay, like we're okay. Let's
look at the like, let's look at the book world,
Let's look at Amazon as a micro micro.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
Let's unpack this, let's I.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Need to impact this. I've been asking this for years.
Is the microcosm of the world. Is that like we
are a small percentage of the women like that are
a little bit like raw and crazy? Or is everyone
and everyone else is safer and so the white women
are safer and it's like you're just like doing the
safe thing that you can get the reviews.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Or do white people support each other more?

Speaker 3 (03:32):
Or I think white people have been trained to have
a follow through with the support.

Speaker 4 (03:38):
We don't. We haven't.

Speaker 3 (03:39):
We haven't got the follow through yet. Together we support
I think we support each other. There's still a lot
of haters, but we do support each other where we're
kind of turning that leaf now, especially as women, especially
as black women. But it's the follow through after the support. Like,
after you've read my book and I give you all
that all that fucking tea that helped you, are.

Speaker 1 (03:57):
You then going to go to this?

Speaker 4 (03:58):
I need you to go and write review you know?

Speaker 3 (04:01):
Like?

Speaker 4 (04:01):
Or do like?

Speaker 1 (04:02):
Are you going to have subscribed to the newswitter?

Speaker 4 (04:04):
You know?

Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah? You know, I'm guilty. I'm guilty as a consumer.
I don't. My follow through isn't strong. I've had I
had a cart of sheen for like five.

Speaker 4 (04:15):
Days, whichmaen get that all the time? Now? Oh I
am okay? So I do I need launchen? Also, today's
a less.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
Say okay before we unpack this though, because it seems
like this is going to take a lot of brain power,
let me hit my backwood.

Speaker 4 (04:31):
Do we need it? A backward? If? If we need
brain power for brain power.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I choose my vanilla backwood. It always gives me brain power, and.

Speaker 4 (04:40):
This time I rolled it. I rolled the backwood.

Speaker 3 (04:42):
This time I finally figured that the fuck out Jamila
has been our official backwood roller, but now I have created.

Speaker 4 (04:50):
Look at this baby. Wow, It's beautiful, isn't it.

Speaker 3 (04:52):
I mean, I think that my joint rolling skills have
come into handy at this point. I did put a
good amount of honey. Think I might have put a
little bit too much, but it makes it burns sof
like cares exactly. Let me hit it, let me check
it out.

Speaker 4 (05:04):
Okay, tell me tell me if you approve.

Speaker 1 (05:12):
Okay, okay, like it's hitting. Okay, it's hitting. Okay, time
to unpack this.

Speaker 4 (05:20):
Okay, I unpack.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
I got thirty items though for twenty two dollars two
hundred yep at least seventeen babings. When you see me
shining and machine, don't say shit hit girl.

Speaker 4 (05:36):
I listen.

Speaker 3 (05:37):
After our last retreat, when everycond everyone had sheen, I
was like, Okay, well, I know that this is toxic,
and I'm not a proponent of sine, but the shit
was cute and it was fast and it was cheap.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
I'm predicting like maybe like.

Speaker 4 (05:51):
So when our last retreat, hit I bought a few
things on shin. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:54):
Oh that cute dress you gave me too, right.

Speaker 3 (05:56):
Yeah, about sixty five percent of it was terrible.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Well that's what I was gonna say.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
I'm already expecting that twenty percent of it won't fit
like you know what, but I love.

Speaker 4 (06:05):
No, no, no, it will fit you. It won't. It
doesn't fit me.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
That's why I like that type of shit because like
there's actually a category that says like eat eating, like tiny,
like I don't know any bitty or something, and I
was like, yes, the smaller the better. So yeah, that's
but our follow through isn't great. I know mine is
it is? It just I don't know what that is.
But we need to be better. We really need to
support each other more because I'm not gonna lie like

(06:33):
the white influencers are out here winning, I mean, and
not to mention that brands are like cutting them bigger
checks because you know, they probably are safer and they
are more like I don't know, uh, marketable girl.

Speaker 4 (06:44):
It's just racism and unconscious bias. Do you No one?
No one should have ever showed me taught me that word?
When did you do?

Speaker 1 (06:51):
You must have learned it this week.

Speaker 4 (06:52):
No, no, no, I've known it for a little while.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
I've known it since the pandemic when we had what's
her name, the unconscious bias person on don't you remember
the girl we met on the internet and she teaches
unconscious biased. She we had a zoom with her, we
had a zoom episode with her. I think she's called
like the something adjuster, the conscious bias adjuster.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
Yeah, that sounds familiar. Wow, that's crazy that we've had
that many episodes. I think I thought I knew everything.

Speaker 3 (07:14):
That was a long time ago, but she I had
never heard it. I mean, I've always known that existed,
but I didn't know there was a.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
Term I have, like the legitimate word for you.

Speaker 4 (07:21):
Yeah, but it is true. You don't.

Speaker 3 (07:22):
No one should have ever show me that word because
I've been saying it on all of our calls.

Speaker 2 (07:25):
She's been using that word in the meetings, and I
was like, yeah.

Speaker 4 (07:29):
Sounds like unconscious biased.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
Me guys' subconscious biased or it's intentional.

Speaker 3 (07:33):
It's it's a nice way to say racist without saying racist.
It makes white people feel feel a little more comfortable,
but feel like they can work with it.

Speaker 4 (07:41):
Like it's manageable.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Are we being racist on accident? We can't have them
think that, Like it.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
Was unconscious, guys, So it wasn't really racist. It was
unconscious I mean.

Speaker 2 (07:49):
But the fact of the matter is is like even
we ourselves suffer from unconscious bias. We are Like when
you live in a world that is created like primarily
in white supremacy, like you too will react in ways
and in ways that are definitely like in support of
the whiteness. Yeah kind of no, you don't even realize.

Speaker 3 (08:08):
It, of course, Like you might be more inclined to
trust a white travel experience than a black travel experience.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
I mean, because I'd be the first time to be like, like,
how black are we talking? Because like, you know, we've
all gone to our people's shit and they take long
and they be rude, and like, you know, we've all
dealt with us in customer service and it can be
great and it could sometimes be like it's given you
don't give a fuck, and it's frustrating, and like it's
frustrating for me as a black business owner, just like
a customer service person in general, like don't half ask anything,

(08:37):
like I.

Speaker 1 (08:38):
Hate that shit, Like why are you here? Just go home.

Speaker 2 (08:41):
Don't make everybody else's fucking life miserable anyway. Leave it
to you on Amazon.

Speaker 4 (08:45):
It's all that sad leave Please leave us a review.

Speaker 3 (08:48):
They matter to us, They matter to the future of
our next book, and just the support and getting us
in the algorithm on Amazon and all the places and spaces.
My goal is to really have this book in an airport.
I don't know why that's really important to me.

Speaker 2 (09:02):
Because I told you it was hard to get books.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
Because I just really feel like if someone saw this
book at that airport bookstore on you're gonna about to
have a long flight, You're like, who are these bitches?
I want to know more. I'm a good mom. I've
made some bad choices. Look at this.

Speaker 4 (09:17):
It's bright, it's pink, it's yellow.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
I feel so relieved now that it's outside. I was
having a lot of anxiety around it, But now that
it's outside, I feel like, yep, I wrote it, bitches
read it and weep it.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
I just I have I same as well.

Speaker 3 (09:34):
I think that the feedback that we've gotten from all
different types of people is what has made me feel
so good. Like men, people without children, people that don't
even want to have kids, people that are way in
their in their pregnancy journey, people that are just found
out they're pregnant, like, and that was my hope and
my hope has come true is that we are good writers, yes,

(09:58):
and that it is it is good read, it is
it is an easy read, and that it takes you
on a journey, you cry, you laugh, like those are
all the Those were all of my hopes because that
was that's kind of the journey of my life and
my life as good Mom's bad choices. There's been a
lot of tears, there's been a lot of joy. There's
been a lot of hard conversations, transformations, mirror work, you know,

(10:22):
all those things. And so my hope was that I
could encompass all of this in two hundred and whatever
fucking pages eighty pages that we have.

Speaker 4 (10:32):
And I think we did a good job, No, I do.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
Clarence are a good friend from the podcast Movement Too,
hit me up and he was listening to it at
work and he was like, yeah, you know, it was difficult.

Speaker 4 (10:44):
For me to read.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
I was like why. He was like, well, I'm a man.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
And also like, you know, I guess I just only
I really I didn't realize you guys had lives before podcasting,
And I was like, yeah, we are people, And I'm like,
how many people feel this way? Like we are a
whole ass people and we've experienced it, and like we've
been dumb bitches, We've been in fucked up relationships, we've
been cheated on, we've been like talked down to. Like
it's just like, it's so crazy how people once they

(11:09):
see you in one way, they like it's hard to
see you outside of that. Even the other fucking day,
I should kick Nelly's ass. Nellie Hi, Nelly and Miami
I put we were posting on Good Moms and she
she was like, Haha, remember when you was slepping all
that shit around La being a mobile esthetician. I was like,
what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, bitch, I

(11:31):
do remember. It wasn't that long ago. But it's just like,
you know, I really enjoy our book because it really
reminds us just the humanness.

Speaker 1 (11:40):
Of it all.

Speaker 2 (11:41):
You know, like this has been a process, there's been
a huge evolution, and like even for us, like we've
put so much effort in the last two years to
focus on this book, the promotion, the marketing, if it's
good if everyone's gonna be okay, like should we put
this in there?

Speaker 1 (11:56):
Should we not put this in there? And I just
feel like.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
You put all your like not all your eggs in
a basket. But sometimes as like humans and like Americans,
and we're like constantly, go go, go, go go. We're
meeting these goals and we're checking off these lists. And
then you get to fucking the Today Show and they're
like action. You're like yeah, and then and then it's over,
and you're like and then you do all these things

(12:22):
and then the book is out, and you're like, did
I turn into a fair of godmother? Like you're waiting
for some like for your pumpkin to arrive or like
you know, like I don't know what you're waiting for.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
But it's just like huh. And then it's over, you know.

Speaker 2 (12:38):
And it's not like it wasn't so exciting and so
invigorating and great and fulfilling, because it was. But I
really think like the most fulfilling part was getting it,
like getting it done, you know, and obviously seeing it
come together and the cover that we designed ourselves and
the shoot that we curated ourselves, and like, you know,
the words and like all of those things, but I

(13:00):
think like the biggest lesson in this is just like
being present in every single moment of the journey, you know,
just being present and like the beginning, the middle of
the end, you know, like you know, it's just like
having a baby, but like did you enjoy the sex?
You know, So it's just like it was a lesson
to me.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
It's just like.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
This is cool and it's been amazing. But the most
fulfilling part even still is getting the feedback hearing women
be like, oh my god, I relate to this, and
oh my god, I relate to that. Maybe we should
read a review because that one review I sent you
it was really really nice, Okay, but like how was
it for you? Like I know that you experienced similar
like big big highs and not lows, but kind of like.

Speaker 3 (13:45):
You know, I think about my friend Ashley, who she
does like these big events, and she's always talking about
how like she has these major calm downs after like
putting so much energy towards something so important and then
like she feels really depressed afterwards.

Speaker 4 (13:57):
And it's weird.

Speaker 3 (13:57):
Because like she does this thing, it's successful. Everyone's happy
for the most part, and like it's a career high
and then it's over. It's almost like you've your energy
doesn't even know what it's still going, so it doesn't
it doesn't know what to do after it's over.

Speaker 4 (14:12):
It's like, what are we doing now? Okay, what are
we doing? And it's like there's nothing else to do. Bitch,
that's it.

Speaker 3 (14:16):
Have a seat, and so, you know, I definitely it
was a lot of high highs, but also like realizations
for me, and I told you this after we did
the Today Show, was like people put so much emphasis
on these like these appearances, right, these national publications that

(14:40):
are supposed to like get you to the masses and
all these things, and you know, I just feel I
realized after we did that that I love being able
to I guess, spread or get access to a woman
or whoever needs to hear the message that may ever

(15:00):
heard the message and any other capacity except they watched
the Today Show and here we are. But there's such
hoopla around it. And I just feel like our brand
is so authentic and it's so real, and it's so
it has so much substance to it that some of
these kind of appearances feel really fleeting. They feel a

(15:21):
bit like salesy a bit shallow.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
Well, because we're not really we're not really penetrating the surface.
We're like literally saying as much as we can in
like a five minute segment, and you have to like
it's tied up really pretty, and we're not really used
to doing that, and granted we can and like don't
say fuck, don't say sex, don't say pussy. You know,
like we've been obsessing with this for two weeks, like
don't say fun, don't say don't say bit, she don't
say bitch until like the last appearance, Erica was like
not to have sex, and I was like, whoa.

Speaker 3 (15:47):
It was the New York News, daytime News. I felt
like it was if it was either then or now
we're going.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
Home wearing jeans.

Speaker 4 (15:53):
It was like wearing jeans.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
It reminded me of, oh my god, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 (15:57):
But you know what, I felt like more like my
so during that appearance than any other appearance that we
had done. And I think because I had finally kind
of come down from like this like this idea that
we had to like I guess, perform in some sort
of way and like become these like hyper versions of
ourselves in order to get to the masses. You know,
me and Mel had watched like these other people on

(16:19):
the Today Show that are like fucking caricatures and are
like doing skits and like are loud, and they're like yeah,
and we're like, oh my god, we do we need
to be.

Speaker 4 (16:26):
Loud, We need to have like a one two like thing,
and you know.

Speaker 3 (16:34):
So then by the time we got to the daytime
news show, I was like, fuck it.

Speaker 1 (16:38):
Wait, you know, it reminds me of this is so random,
you guys.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
This is like, wait, what's the what's the epic Whoopy
Goldberg movie where she's in?

Speaker 1 (16:44):
Then if you want to be something.

Speaker 4 (16:49):
Uh, oh my god, I can't with the sisters.

Speaker 2 (16:51):
Yes, sister you know that when performers at the end,
they're like, sister Mary said, take off our robes.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
I mean I take off your just go as you are.
That's That's how That's what I was feeling. Just say
the things I suck.

Speaker 4 (17:10):
I know.

Speaker 3 (17:11):
We were at backstage and the person who came from
our PR company, we were like, can.

Speaker 4 (17:17):
We say sex? Can we say?

Speaker 1 (17:19):
She's like, She's like, let me go check.

Speaker 4 (17:21):
I said, I said, don't.

Speaker 1 (17:21):
Check, don't don't.

Speaker 4 (17:23):
Ask, don't ask, Let's just just go for it.

Speaker 3 (17:26):
So I don't know, I felt overall really excited, really happy,
definitely had the crash, some somewhat depression, not gonna lie. Also,
there were other things happening in the background of my
life that were that were like kind of trying attempting
to overshadow this moment, and I was like in conflict,
trying to fight with all my might to like say no,

(17:48):
I worked too fucking hard. I worked too fucking hard
to let anything or anyone nothing can ruin this overshadow this.
Like literally on the day of my book clunch, this mother,
this person was trying to fuck with me, and I
was like, do you know what today is?

Speaker 4 (18:01):
Like It's bigger than my day, It is so.

Speaker 3 (18:04):
Much, just bigger than this moment for me, Like this
is like a culmination of so many moments beyond this
fucking moment that I can't I cannot even give this
energy right now. I have got to get the fuck
out of this room. I gotta get out of here
because and because I was already feeling emotional, I felt
like I was that night like when you went to

(18:26):
go to Times Square to see our billboard after I
got off the phone with you, I was just like
in the room crying, like tears of joy, just like
crying and crying and crying. And then in the morning
I woke up and I was still crying for multiple reasons,
but specifically because of our because our book was out,
and I just it was cathartic. It was like finally
a release of like, Okay, it's out in the world,
do its thing.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
But I don't feel like i've I don't. I don't
feel like i've I've reached that yet, Like I still
feel like I know I've told Erica. Like I was
in the hotel room and there was like a book
on like in front of me, and I was just
like I propped it up so I could go to
sleep and look at it.

Speaker 1 (18:59):
So I didn't like I had to.

Speaker 2 (19:00):
Keep telling myself it's real. Like I went to the bookstore.
I found it in the bookstore and this one was
like this is you. I was like yeah. I went
to the Times Square I watched I was like the
first one to watch it come up, and I was like,
this is crazy. And I still was like this is
happening to me, right, Like I know that's my face
on the book. I see it, but like I told Orlando,
like it feels like I'm watching it happen to someone else.

(19:22):
Like it doesn't feel quite real again, and like I
don't know what it's going to kick in, but it's
just crazy, like you put all this into it, and
like even for you struggling to like fight, like life
happening is just like we write this book, We put
all these tools and tricks and shit, and like this
is what you do, and then you still have to
like you still have to be clear about your energy

(19:45):
and who you let into it, and like it's just
like it's a never ending lesson and you can literally
birth a book about it and still have to follow
your own practice and pre like practice what you preach.
And I think for you that was a huge lesson
in that it's like when you you have something epic
going on in your life that you've worked so hard
for and it's finally coming to like fruition, and there's

(20:06):
people in your like in your field that are even
remotely throwing off the energy, it's like hmm, hold up.

Speaker 3 (20:14):
Now, yeah, I mean I was super hyper sensitive anyway,
our book. The week our book came out was like
a full moon and fucking no, no, it was an
eclipse in Scorpio. It was a full moon, it was
our book launch. It was just all these things that
were happening. And then like on top of that, my
baby daddy was back like in in on like the
shade room, with some ghetto ass fucking shit that I

(20:35):
was like, it was like, all these things happening. It
couldn't it couldn't have happened at a at a better time,
because specifically that moment with with whatever he's you know,
dealing with I it was. It was a real testament
to the book and just that you can get over it,

(20:56):
you can disconnect, and that was that moment when that
showed up. It doesn't affect me, really, I mean it
does whatever his choices do affect my child.

Speaker 4 (21:05):
In some way.

Speaker 3 (21:06):
But it was a I would not even maybe that
the first time, but it was a reminder that I
don't I am so far removed from this person. And
if you've been listening to the podcast since the beginning,
you know, me and Mila have talked about like this,
like in this this cored that we have connected to
our child's father and like wanting to like disconnect, but

(21:26):
it being so hard because not even because you love
the person you want to be with them, that's not
even what it really is about.

Speaker 4 (21:32):
It's just it is. It's kind of like this this.

Speaker 3 (21:35):
Morning of this family dynamic, and it's not even wrapped
up for me at least in like I love this person,
I want to be with them. It's just the idea
of family and us being in this space together. And
this ghetto shit popped up on the shade room and
that I knew was coming. I knew it was going
to come out at some point or another, and I

(21:56):
was like, oh my god, I'm a spectator. I am
eating popcorn watching this play out, and it has nothing
to do with me. Even though they were there were
comments about me in within the drama. Yeah, the other
baby mama was like, he even tried to turn Erica
against me, but she knows that I will fuck any bitchup.

Speaker 2 (22:17):
I was like these baby mama choices I told. I
was like, listen.

Speaker 3 (22:22):
I was just like, you know what, I try not
to judge publicly, but I don't. The thing is, I've
never like engaged with really any of them besides you know,
his well not his recent one. But the one before that,
who's lovely, and she's fine. But I just was like, wow,
I really dodged a ghetto ass bullet. And this is
really the it wrapped up in a bow delivered like see,

(22:47):
you're fine, you made.

Speaker 4 (22:48):
The right choice.

Speaker 3 (22:49):
Don't ever doubt your fucking intuition and and and your
your ability to transform to take a negative and transform
it into a positive, because that's exactly what I did.
You know, after the breakup, After me and him broke up,
we started Good Moms like four months later, like it

(23:11):
was very fresh from that breakup. I think we broke
up in end of September of twenty twenty seventeen, end
of September, and then obviously there were a lot of
other hard realizations that I had to, you know, confront
after that. You know, we talked about this in the

(23:32):
book that my you know, my child's father had a
girl pregnant when we were together and I was planning
our wedding, and it's something i've I've kind of talked
about on the podcast, but I haven't really dove into
because it was painful back then. Also, I just didn't
want to give him a lot of ammunition because early on.
He was trying to act like my podcast was about him,

(23:53):
and I just really wanted whatever the story was to
be about the transformation and not about like what happened
there trauma, but with everything that happened with that, this
news breaking that you know, this was news for like
twenty four hours because no one gives a.

Speaker 4 (24:09):
Fuck, because who cares.

Speaker 3 (24:13):
I was just like I just felt I felt like joy,
not for his pain, but like joy that like you
made the right choice, not even the right choice, that
I don't give a fuck that it didn't even put
a blip in my day, and not even because I
care about him, but even for my daughter. I didn't
even I don't want to say I don't give a

(24:33):
fuck with how it affects her, but I'm like.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
You're so she even she's you've removed her even from
the trauma, because.

Speaker 3 (24:38):
It's just because I feel like I've been caring it
for the hurt and pain for her too when she
isn't even like you know, when he went, when we
found out he was having other baby, and like there
was that conversation that had to be had where he
was gonna have to.

Speaker 4 (24:51):
Tell her that she has a brother.

Speaker 3 (24:56):
I was so stressed out about that moment, thinking it
was going to cause so much trauma to her. Like
I thought for sure she was gonna like have a
bunch of questions.

Speaker 4 (25:04):
She was so young, and not.

Speaker 3 (25:06):
Even like she was gonna cry, but just have at
least have questions. She didn't ask one motherfucking question. Okay,
And I still don't really know, Like how now he's
had other children since then, and he has another one
on the way supposedly, but I don't. Her traumas don't
have to be my traumas, And like that was also
a big lesson, like I don't have to carry.

Speaker 4 (25:24):
This for her, right let her, let her, let her
figure that out, you know.

Speaker 3 (25:28):
And so when that came, I can't control the other person, Yeah,
because before.

Speaker 4 (25:31):
I'd be like, how are you gonna tell you're daughter?
You have all these fucking baby mamas everywhere? You're a
rapper statistic?

Speaker 3 (25:39):
How the fuck did a girl from the valley end
up with a gary nigga who just keeps having babies
all over the place?

Speaker 2 (25:47):
Baby mamas? Oh have they changed? They're definitely each in
their own lane.

Speaker 3 (25:53):
But you know, it was just it just felt like, wow,
this news breaking During that during that happening was a
reminder of that. And then and even just what I
was going through, you know, behind the scenes, was also
a reminder of that. Like you've worked too hard to
Like you've worked too hard, You've done the work. You're
not perfect, there's a lot there's more work to be done.
But you know yourself, you know what you deserve, and

(26:14):
you know that your intuition is.

Speaker 4 (26:18):
Never fucking wrong. And if it ain't adding up, it
ain't add in up.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
It just doesn't make sense. Yeah, Like you can't make it.
You can't make something.

Speaker 3 (26:28):
And God wasn't gonna let me. God, that's one thing
about God or whatever you want to believe in. She
ain't gonna let me fuck around and find out for
too long.

Speaker 4 (26:39):
She just won't. No, that is just the theme of
my life.

Speaker 3 (26:42):
And I know that because I'm in such alignment with
what I'm supposed to be doing and my purpose that
I am divinely guided and protected truly, and I see
it all the time, and I am so scared to
be out of alignment because I don't know what that
looks like. I don't want to get back to that
point in my life where I was reading my journal diaries.

(27:03):
When we were writing this book, and I was so
insecure about my purpose. I had no idea what I
wanted to do. I didn't feel like I was good
at acting, Like I wasn't getting the audition, I wasn't
getting the bookings that I wanted to be trying for
years and years, you know, I was like, what am
I good at?

Speaker 4 (27:18):
I don't know?

Speaker 3 (27:19):
You know, I mean people, and that I'm not. So
I'm not willing to even and I know that I'm not.
It's not possible for me to go back to that place,
but I'm not even willing to take the gamble of
like my misalignment in my personal life and any other
parts of my life to fuck up the flow.

Speaker 1 (27:35):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (27:36):
But I think during those times where you're you're facing
like personal challenges, you're not like aware enough to correlate
the two because the same like, you know, we've both
had our.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
The places where we came from.

Speaker 2 (27:52):
We didn't like start talking shit on the podcast our
whole lives and this became successful, but like.

Speaker 1 (27:59):
We were young women.

Speaker 2 (28:01):
As are like this is what people don't talk about
is that there is a there's always going to be
a period where you're hopefully exploring, exploring what fulfills you professionally, personally,
and it takes trial and error, and like even and
women underestimate the amount of emotional how a negligent relationship

(28:22):
can leave you insecure, How an abusive relationship verbally, emotionally,
whatever can can leave you so deeply insecure that it
has you searching for yourself and like, sometimes that's a
good thing, like that happened, that needed to happen, and
not that like he was necessarily like the emotionally abusive

(28:44):
to you, but he's a narcissist, So him putting himself
and his traumas and his career always at the forefront,
you kind of take the back seat to that and
then expect also as a woman, like I should be
supporting this person his career is taking off.

Speaker 1 (28:57):
But it can leave you feeling like what the fuck?

Speaker 2 (28:59):
And you know, even for me, I was in a
relationship with someone very different, also a narcissist, but with
less success, and so a lot of his abuse was
like talking down to me about what I was doing
and how I wasn't changing shit, and like you think
you're doing lashes jam, nobody gives a fuck you think
you're like, what are you changing in the world, And meanwhile,
this niggas I'm doing shit. But like, years and years
and years of abusive talk or talking down to someone

(29:23):
from someone that you love and is supposed to care
for you will leave you fucked up, will leave you insecure,
will leave you feeling like am I enough or am
I good enough?

Speaker 1 (29:31):
Or what is the next step for me?

Speaker 2 (29:33):
And I was just thinking about where I was when
we started the podcast, because I broke up with my
baby daddy, probably like a year ish before we got
we started the podcast, but I was still fucking around
with him and I was still seeing him and we
weren't living together. But I think that December we had
this incident that I write about in the book where
like he was drunk, I was holding the baby and

(29:55):
he hit me in my face and I bled and
I looked down at my hands in my life, like
my nose was bleeding and I couldn't fucking believe this shit,
And like that was the moment for me where I
was like, Okay, bitch, what are you about to do?
And I think it's so unfortunate for me that looking back,
like it really required that I saw blood on my

(30:16):
hands to actually put my foot down, and even then
I hadn't put my foot down because I think after that,
he took us on a trip to San Diego, and
I was like trying, and I remember like being really
early on in our friendship but like telling you these
things but then still kind of entertaining him and you
being like what And I'm like, yeah, I know, but
like just not like not even understanding my own actions

(30:39):
and not really fully understanding, like I understood what had happened,
but not fully integrating it, Like no, bitch, this person
needs to be completely cut off. But the amount of
time it took to build the confidence to completely walk
away from that, and like how do we not started
the podcast? Like that hadn't happened in December and we've
didn't start the podcast in March, Like I don't know

(31:00):
how long it would have taken me to get out
of that cycle, but like talking about it, talking about it,
having a friend who was looking at me like bitch,
are you crazy? And like, you know, like her baby
daddy got a girl pregnant and she didn't step back once,
you know, but like very different, very different, like blow
ups that looked very different but still having to just

(31:21):
rely on our own confidence and rely on our intuition
to be like this, I don't know what this shit
is over here. I've never podcasted before, but this is
definitely not it. And just like starting something and stepping
into something brand new, fresh off of nothing and just
saying fuck it, we're gonna do it regardless, because I
really don't feel fulfilled in these other ways, and you know,

(31:41):
and just like also, I don't fulfill feel fulfilled in
this relationship, and I'm going to step away and do
something new, which I think a lot of women have
a hard time doing, like a getting out of the
the negative self talk that you've been eve inherited from
a partner for a very long time.

Speaker 3 (32:01):
Yeah, I mean, or the talk you've told your sisters.
I mean, for me, it was the talk I told myself.
My partner didn't really negatively. He didn't talk negatively to
me per se. No, he didn't his his his And
I talked about this in the book too, Like he
is highly.

Speaker 4 (32:21):
Ideas flow out of him. They've always just flown out
of him.

Speaker 3 (32:24):
Like he's super creative, he can just come up with
I mean, he's a rapper, like he can come up
with shit off the cuff.

Speaker 4 (32:30):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (32:32):
And before I met him, I was doing music and
I was writing, and you know, I didn't really talk
about this in the book, and maybe this is something,
you know, we had someone on Patreon ask if there's
anything that we haven't shared.

Speaker 4 (32:46):
The side part. I feel like a Donald Trump trying
to have my comb over.

Speaker 3 (32:54):
We talk about someone on Patreon had asked if there
was anything that we had left out of the book,
and of course there's I mean, there's a lot of
things left out the book because talked about a lot
of shit on the podcast. But you know, I kind
of touched on the fact that like he was like highly,
highly creative. And when I met him, I was working
at Geffen Records. Oh no, I was assisting Macy. Actually

(33:16):
I was assisting Macy Gray shout out to Macy, and
but I was ending that I had been doing that
for like three years, and within working with Macy, like
I had started writing a lot. I'd even written with
her a few times, and I was really really pursuing
my career as a writer. I wanted to be an
artist also, but that just didn't happen. And then I
got kind of sexually abused by someone in the industry

(33:41):
and really not kind of. I got sexually abused by
someone in the industry, and it really turned me off
to wanting to be an artist anymore.

Speaker 2 (33:47):
I think that was in the episode called I Said
No Motherfucker.

Speaker 4 (33:52):
And Wow, you have a good memory.

Speaker 1 (33:53):
That was a pretty epic title.

Speaker 4 (33:55):
So and.

Speaker 3 (33:58):
So, you know, writing was my my release, and it
would just flow out of me. I would just I
would be in the shower and I would write a
little something. I would just any time. I was always writing, always,
always writing. And I remember there was this moment when
I met Freddie and he, you know, we started off
as just friends, like he was just my weed dealer,
and like he was really sweet and really like kind.

(34:19):
I wasn't really even attracted to him. He was just like,
had a really nice smile. He was really funny, and
I had a boyfriend at the time, and he would
come over and bring me weed. There was no like
funny business going on. But I remember one time he
was like you right right, Like I want to come
over and you can write, Like we should write together.
And I'd written with a lot of people before, and
he came over and like I just saw like how

(34:41):
quickly he was just writing things, and I immediately started
feeling like insecure, even though like it wasn't him, it
was me. You know, I really started feeling insecure. I
was like, oh my God, like is it good?

Speaker 4 (34:50):
Am I good?

Speaker 3 (34:51):
Like he's been on my like the Freshman cover at
that point, so I was like, he's kind of famous,
but he's also my drug dealer.

Speaker 4 (34:56):
I'm confused.

Speaker 3 (34:57):
He lives in a small apartment in Van E's. But
you know, after that, after you know, months of you
know me and going back and forth with my ax,
me and Fridday started, you know, going, we got together
very quickly, Like I think the first time we kissed
that night, we had like a lot of sex in
New York. And then like a week later he was

(35:18):
my boyfriend. And then like a month later or two
months later, I was moving in with him.

Speaker 1 (35:22):
You met him in New York?

Speaker 4 (35:24):
No, No, I met him.

Speaker 3 (35:24):
In LA But like we I happened to go to
I had broken up with my boyfriend. I went to
New York because Macy was filming for Colored Girls, the movie,
and so I went out there and we had been
texting or whatever, and he was like, I'm in New
York and I was.

Speaker 4 (35:35):
Like, okay, cool, let's meet up.

Speaker 3 (35:36):
And we went out. We drank a bunch of tequila.
We went to this spot. Oh my god, it was
this spot. It's this hookah is this old hookah spot? Like,
oh god, downtown Lower East Side? And I kissed him
like I and he was like kind of shy, like
I was, no one was gonna he knew he wasn't
gonna kiss me. And actually, my homegirl slash not my
homegirl anymore. That episode was what was that episode?

Speaker 4 (36:00):
I don't remember. It was about friends not being friends. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:03):
She was like, oh, you know Freddy Gibbs and I
was like, yeah, he's my he's my I know him.
She's like, oh he's fine, and I was like he
is so crazy. It was so dumf. She's like, oh
he's fun, he's kind of fine. Actually, no, it wasn't Lauren.
It was another girl that I know.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Actually I was gonna say, if it's her, this is
very scary.

Speaker 4 (36:20):
No it wasn't her. It was another girl that I know,
which whatever.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
And all it takes is one bitch was one you
could not be attracted to ending it and one bitch.

Speaker 1 (36:28):
She'll do one thing and you're like huh. But I
had still like you want to win.

Speaker 3 (36:31):
Like even the fact that he was in New York
not on my radar that like, it was just like
that's my homeboy that I you know, we smoke weed sometimes,
he's the weed dealer. He's cool, he smokes forty blunts
a day. I'm not interested in that. Like that was
that was a major turn off for me. His smoking
in tick not because I remember the first time we
met he was bragging about that and I was like, ew, Anyway,

(36:52):
I go to New York and I guess he was
out there doing something for his career or some shit.
I still had a lily. I really didn't know what
he was doing. I didn't I didn't listen to hip
hop like that. She was like, oh, yeah, he's kind
of fine, and I was like he is.

Speaker 4 (37:04):
I was like, maybe he is fine.

Speaker 1 (37:07):
I should kiss him?

Speaker 2 (37:08):
Huh literally basic fuck, I should kiss him.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
So we went it's mine now, bitch.

Speaker 3 (37:13):
So we went out and then we went to this
little Macy was DJing at this spot, and then like,
you know why, this was the best one I was
working with Macy. I was drunk half the time, and
I just kissed him. And then after that it was
a fucking rap, like we went to the hotel room whatever,
we fucked for hours and hours and hours, and then
after that he was mine and I was his.

Speaker 4 (37:34):
And you know, at.

Speaker 3 (37:38):
That moment, like his his career was still going and
he was still writing, but like we never really wrote
again together really, and I was still trying to like
get my career off the ground, like trying to get
like placements and stuff, and it wasn't it wasn't happening.

Speaker 4 (37:52):
I wasn't in the right spaces.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
And then like watching him like literally like right rap
after rap after rap, he would like write like six songs,
and one day.

Speaker 4 (38:01):
I was like, am I good at this?

Speaker 3 (38:02):
And so I started to really get insecure about it
and I just really and then I remember like having
this immense, like crippling like writer's block, like where I
couldn't even write anymore at all, and it was just
so interesting how and this is just honest, like his
success like made me feel like I couldn't achieve what

(38:25):
he achieved.

Speaker 4 (38:25):
And that's not it's not.

Speaker 3 (38:27):
Even like it's not even his it's not a hidden
problem it's a me problem. I mean, had he been
a maybe a more emotionally aware, mature partner at the
age of twenty seven, which come on like maybe he
could have like you know, helped help me out with
that and those feelings. But I don't even know if
I even vocalized those to him because I was kind
of ashamed, and it fucked with my confidence. And I

(38:48):
was thinking about, like just now in our space, how
confident I am and what I do and how you know,
we show up as business women and what we offer
and like just all the things that we've been able
to I guess flex in a way that and as

(39:10):
a woman too that like I'm not I'm so unwilling,
Like what the moment my confidence starts getting fucked with,
like I gotta go, I gotta go well, And I
started to feel that way recently, like were my confidence?
I was like whoa, and it was it's not in
the workspace. It's in like you know, the love space
and woman space. And I was like, this is not

(39:32):
even me, Like I'm not the bitch that does this
crazy shit. This is triggering my confidence in some way
and I'm not willing to like even entertain this idea
that maybe like I'm not enough or that I need
to like assert myself and I need to find out
I need to get to the bottom of this, you know,
for and it's like no, no, no, no, no. The

(39:53):
moment you the moment your relationships start to kind of
trigger your confidence, and you know, in the space of
me and my child's father, like it really wasn't him,
that was really me, And then I didn't. I chose
not to really dive into that and try to figure
it out. But when you're when a partner or any
type of person is triggering your confidence and it's not

(40:14):
they're they're complicit in it, like you have to you
have to kind of walk not kind of you have
to walk away from that.

Speaker 4 (40:21):
Well.

Speaker 2 (40:21):
I mean also I think it requires that it like
the level of confidence that we've now kind of walked
evolved into in this space is because we've worked at
it and worked at it. And I think sometimes we're
triggered by other people's performance. It's because we don't feel
confident and you know, like someone's performing better than us,
and that requires, you know, a lot of self work.

Speaker 3 (40:41):
There's healthy triggers of No, for that's what I mean,
like when you see someone you're like.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
I want to do that.

Speaker 2 (40:47):
Do that for sure, absolutely, But I think when you're young,
I think a lot of times women we fall into this.
It's just a lot of questioning ourselves, you know, and then.

Speaker 1 (40:56):
You don't you can't.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
You only recognize this in this relationship because you know
where you've come from, and you know who, you know what,
you've like the confidence that you felt in this recent
like chapter of your life, and so when you start
to like decline back into that way, you're like, hold that,
I've done way too much work for this. And same
like I dated someone and there was a partment. I
was like, like, my nigga, you're not about to come
over here and fuck with this. Like I know this

(41:19):
is probably what you do generally, but like I'm not
that bitch. I've literally looked at someone in the face
and like, listen, I know this is obviously your tactic.
You're probably used to fucking with insecure, dumb young bitches,
but like I am not that person, So you can
just pack your shit up right now and keep it moving. Granted,
he manipulated me a little bit more and confused me,
but it's just like I think even for a young
women listening to this episode, it's really important that you

(41:42):
kind of be confident in yourself before getting into any
serious relationship because A it's a distraction and B you
haven't fully like if you haven't fully figured out what
you are, and not to say like I'm still fully
figuring out who I am and what I'm best at,
and you can, I can continue to evolve and like
uncover these things. But I think we forget just this
simple metric of how we feel after we leave people.

(42:06):
And that goes with friendships too, And as you get older,
you hopefully start to like kind of notice. But there
was a time where, even in my late twenties, I
was around people that I was always around, and I'm like,
you're not talking about fucking shit, Like I cannot talk
about the Internet for one more second, Like I will
tune people out. And there's times like when you start
to evolve in certain ways, even the friends you've had

(42:26):
your whole life, Like I know a lot of people
notice during like COVID, people who are just obsessed with it,
talking about Democrats and Republicans and shots, and I'm like, Nope,
these are not my people either. But like when you
start to really dig into the substance of conversations and
the way in which you feel after you leave people,
you can better evaluate what really pours.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
Into your cup.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
And not to say everyone, like don't make friends all
beneath you so you can feel the most confident, But
like people that just genuinely motivate you and inspire you
and make you feel good. And there are sometimes people
that just don't energetic. It just doesn't make sense and
it's okay, you know what I mean, Like or.

Speaker 3 (43:03):
You feel good in their presence, but the moment you leave,
you don't. And that's also a sign too.

Speaker 2 (43:09):
Well, that's a trust thing, like you know, like are
you talking behind my back? Or you know, the shit
like that, Like we we all have to have enough,
just enough like self self awareness to a question is
it me? Is it something that an insecurity deep seated
in myself? Or is it the way this person is
making me feel?

Speaker 1 (43:28):
You know?

Speaker 2 (43:28):
And it's just so important that we constantly be taking
note of that in friendships and relationships because life is
hard enough, you know what I'm saying, Like life is
hard enough. All the bitches are cute out here, like
everybody's fine. You know, I don't know if you've seen,
like everybody's getting botox. Everybody looks good, So like I'm not.
I can't bet on being the finest bitch in your phone. However,

(43:50):
are you gonna make me feel good?

Speaker 4 (43:51):
You know?

Speaker 2 (43:51):
And you know, Eric, like we're fine bitches, and we're
cool and and I know that, and we're successful. And
even without this this lefe level of success. It's just
about the confidence in knowing who the fuck you are
and not letting anyone tell you differently, because insecure people
will try to bring you down, you know someone. And
that was even my issue with like my child's father.

(44:13):
It was like he was struggling so much with his
own his own demons about not being at a level
of success that he thought he was going to be at.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
And you know, like we grew up together and he thought.

Speaker 2 (44:23):
I was gonna go to the NBA and he said
he gonna be a famous rapper, and like those things
require effort. Hate to break it to you, but when
those things didn't begin to like translate into adulthood, I
think a lot of men experience this. And this is
not even like to throw shade. I think it's real shit.
It's like you, it's hard out here, and like if
you are not working hard to get it, it's just

(44:44):
like it feels discouraging.

Speaker 1 (44:46):
Especially for men.

Speaker 2 (44:47):
There's so much pressure to be providers and protectors, and
you know, if you're not in that position when you
think you're supposed to be, those insecurities will seed deep
in you and you will start to spew jealousy at
even your lover. And that is the sick shit, you know,
and you and I started to notice that. It's like, Nikka,
you're talking shit to me because you're not happy with yourself.

Speaker 1 (45:07):
And then the type of bitches I.

Speaker 2 (45:09):
Am, like, I'm gonna start telling you about yourself, and
you know, I was like, it's just crazy. Like obviously,
looking back now, I at one point, I really really
love this person, and I still have loved for this person.

Speaker 1 (45:20):
We grew up together.

Speaker 2 (45:20):
I've known this person for the fucking eighteen years and
we were best friends and all these things. But it
took like it took a level of understanding to know
that like he doesn't have the tools to heal, he
didn't have the tools to figure out like damn, I'm unhappy.
Where am I I'm at, So I'm gonna take this
out on this woman and talk shit to her about

(45:42):
where she's at, Like a bitch was an esthetician school,
I worked at a studio, worked at a tax office.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
I had like seventeen jobs.

Speaker 4 (45:47):
You know.

Speaker 2 (45:48):
Always but you know, for a lot of you know
a lot of younger boys or the youngest boy and families,
they're coddled and they're enabled and they don't really know
how to find in their way and it comes out
in a lot of ways, you know, And I just
think it's unfortunate, like for the women who sometimes attach

(46:08):
themselves wanting to like help them and nurture them. Because
I was one of those women making press kids and
I don't know what the fuck video treatments and shit,
and I was just like and then there comes a
point where it's just like nigga, I can't wrap for you,
you know, and like it just you have to really
be careful of the company you keep, because insecurity can

(46:28):
breed jealousy and resentment, and it's real out here. You know,
that shit is real and you kind of have to
be real about you know. I know, bitches always be like.

Speaker 1 (46:36):
Ah, she's jealous of me?

Speaker 2 (46:38):
Sometimes bitches really are just jealous of you, and sometimes
you're jealous of bitches and niggas, and you have to
kind of check yourself and figure out why and also
be adult enough to just be like, you know, like
that's not me anymore. And like even for me, I've
grown up in spaces with friends who are super privileged
and have had, like inherited a lot of like jobs

(47:00):
and positions, And there'd be a point when I was
like irritated, like you fucking spoil bitch, But then I
had to come to a point where like I't got
nothing to do with them, but their parents set up
for them is actually a blessed.

Speaker 3 (47:11):
Like they're mirroring something you don't have, and that's exactly
what that is. You know, you feeling insecure because you're
seeing this and why don't I have that? Oh they
have that because of this, and it's like yes, but
what do.

Speaker 4 (47:23):
They do with that? Right? Right?

Speaker 1 (47:25):
And it's just, you know, it's not easy to.

Speaker 2 (47:29):
Admit when you're the problem, or when there's things that
trigger you and it comes out in a negative way.
Even recently, somebody came to my DMS, like at eight am,
I was so confused talking about I called them like
I said that they were ugly or they.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
Were old, but I'm ugly. And I literally was like,
who the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 (47:49):
And the girl was like, I'm young Bay's X and
I was like, who literally is somebody had did it
five years ago? And you know what I told Erica
because I was heated at first. I was like, bitch,
you've been harboring for a long time. And I was
like I may have said this to this nigga, but like,
what a bitch ass nigga to be gossiping like a
bitch five years later? And then I know, I told

(48:10):
the girl, I said, you know what, I apologize if
I said that, You know what I mean, like I'm
not in the same place that I was, but like
I had to take someone accountability. You know, women, we
justify our things when there's niggas involved.

Speaker 4 (48:27):
Who is it?

Speaker 2 (48:28):
She's ugly and granted you may feel that way and
everybody's not going to beautiful, but just being able to
be an adult and be like, you know, a girl,
I this bothered you. I sincerely apologize and I said
it out of just being a bitch to this nigga.
But it's just like there's a level of accountability that
has to happen as we evolve, and just being like

(48:50):
certain things don't need to be said, and especially being
in this position, I'm like, I nen go see my
tweets because you know, like people are going, people are
genuinely by by comments and by your words, and they
carry power. And even in this like this season of
my life where I'm successful and I feel confident, I'm

(49:11):
still recognizing where verbal abuse still is really like heavy
on me, you know, like just little things like someone
calling me multiple times asking me where I'm at, Like
i feel on edge all the time because I've been
stalked heavily by a boyfriend, and it's just like I
have to be able to release those things and move

(49:32):
forward to actually evolve and be a better human being
and be a better adult, even shit from childhood, even
shit my mom does to me ways I in ways
I deal with her and just like really be like
Michelle Obama and take the high road.

Speaker 4 (49:45):
I feel you.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
I mean, it's the same here. I mean my I
think my thing that I struggle with is being able
to fully think that my successes are enough, like this
is enough or I don't even mean like enough, like
we end here, but like even if I were to

(50:08):
get an Emmy, like would that.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
Would I still feel fulfilled?

Speaker 4 (50:12):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (50:13):
Because I still feel a level of emptiness in my successes.

Speaker 4 (50:17):
To be one hundred percent.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Honest, Jungle, I still feel a level of emptiness in
my successes.

Speaker 4 (50:23):
And I know that's like what you're not supposed to
say that as.

Speaker 2 (50:25):
Like it feels empty? What part feels empty? Empty is
a strong word.

Speaker 3 (50:32):
I think maybe it's not. Maybe it's not empty, it's
just a lack of presence. You know. Even when we
were at our book signing in La, all these people
were talking to me, and there was a moment where
Melanie shout out to Melanie Fiona. She came over to
me and she said, I hope that you're being present.
Are you present right now? Because there's a lot happening?
And I was like, I think, no, I'm not. I

(50:55):
didn't tell her that because I didn't want her to
know I wasn't, but that's how I like my first
and SIN was like, no, I'm not present, Like this
is a lot. I have a lot going on in
my fucking brain, like talking, saying things, feelings, worrying about
other people's feelings, you know, just.

Speaker 4 (51:15):
And I think that.

Speaker 3 (51:16):
I carry that with me into my successes sometimes of
just like comparing myself to my family successes, like my
mom's success or my father's success or my child's father's success.
You know, I don't really do that anymore, but there
was a time where I was, and that was why
I was crippling. I was I had these crippling writer's block,
this crippling creative block comparing and you know, we put

(51:44):
a lot of pressure on ourselves for the book to
be really successful, which it has been shout out to
our tribe, thank you. But there was even that moment
where I had to talk to myself and say, girl, listen,
whatever this number is, this invisible ass number that you're
trying to reach or whatever the fuck like, so if
you don't hit it, what are you gonna do? Right?

Speaker 1 (52:05):
Is everything not gonna count what.

Speaker 3 (52:07):
You're gonna do, You're gonna be mad, You're gonna be
like this is all for nothing?

Speaker 4 (52:10):
Like what?

Speaker 3 (52:11):
And then I think about my childhood and I was
always highly competitive child like would cry every time I lost.
Like I remember, like I used to do. I used
to swim competitively, and I was super competitive in swimming,
and every time I lost, it was like a thing
like everyone knew York was gonna cry she lost, so
she better fucking win so And I don't know, I

(52:33):
think that's a good thing. But I think I'm also wondering.
I think that this this need for more, like this
more and more and more is it's like from childhood
And I don't know. I think I'm just now because
I'm having so many amazing successes and I'm noticing this
thing needing to know that I have to unpack that still,
like there's something there that I haven't really unpacked. I

(52:55):
don't really know what it is yet, and I don't
even know where it begin to figure it out, but
it's something that I know I have to because I'm
not going to stop.

Speaker 4 (53:04):
Being more successful. I you know, like we're going.

Speaker 3 (53:08):
We're going in the direction that you know God has going,
has us going, which is because we're doing what we're
supposed to be doing and in alignment with our with
our passion and our purpose. I'm only going to continue
to be successful, but I want to be able to
be really.

Speaker 4 (53:21):
Present in it. And there's the moments where I have
been for sure.

Speaker 2 (53:24):
Is there like a success is there just like a
success presence, like counselor.

Speaker 1 (53:29):
Like I need it, I need someone?

Speaker 4 (53:30):
Like is a church?

Speaker 1 (53:31):
I'm just like, how do you be present a church?
You're at a book setting? Like not real? Hong right,
you gonna kill? Like it's so hard because.

Speaker 2 (53:40):
There're so like taking in a lot of energy, You're
taking in a lot of messages, You're grateful, you're crying.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
There's just so many.

Speaker 2 (53:46):
It's it's very uh sensory, Like it's high sensory.

Speaker 1 (53:50):
It's a sensory overload.

Speaker 3 (53:52):
I think I'm almost getting to the point I think
I'm I think I know what the answer. I don't
know the answer to that question is, but I think
it's that none of this should actually matters, and that
I know.

Speaker 4 (54:00):
That I do feel my best.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
Even with the Today Show thing, I was like, I
just want to like talk to the be with the pitches.
That's want to be with the people. I want to
create circles, which is what we do with our retreats.
That's where I feel when I'm sitting here with my
sister talking in my little sister circle, That's where I
feel like that's best and present. When I'm in the
in the Trenches, in the Good Vibe retreat with twenty

(54:22):
five women in the jungle, and we're talking and we're
sharing energy and we're bouncing all these frequencies off of
one another. That's where I feel successful. That's where I
feel present. That's where I feel like, yes.

Speaker 1 (54:33):
This is it, this is what I'm supposed to be doing,
you know.

Speaker 4 (54:36):
But it's like, I don't know if I have social anxiety.

Speaker 3 (54:38):
But when I'm in space, it's not social anxiety because
I'm in social in social spaces in these.

Speaker 4 (54:44):
Retreats, and I'm totally I feel at peace.

Speaker 3 (54:46):
But it's when I'm in these other spaces and these
other circles and these other things. I don't know, it's
hard for me to be present, and that's not I
don't even know if that's true. Because the book seting
was our tribe, those are people, and I felt I
think there was just a lot things happening in general,
but I just felt like I was at my wedding.

Speaker 2 (55:05):
I don't have social anxiety as much as I have
personal anxiety. And like this week, I had to tell myself, like, bitch,
you have anxiety.

Speaker 1 (55:12):
And I've never thought i'd say that like.

Speaker 2 (55:13):
Bitch, you have anxiety, Like I never, like I'm anxious
as fuck and not so much around people like I
can as in fact like being around When you're around people,
you become less anxious. Yeah, I become like you were
able to like move that energy around. But when I'm
like in my own thoughts, my anxiety is so high.

Speaker 1 (55:32):
And you know, I feel like I realized I'm the opposite.

Speaker 4 (55:34):
A lot of my.

Speaker 2 (55:35):
Anxiety is like safety is surrounded by safety, and it's
just like when will I feel safe?

Speaker 4 (55:42):
And I don't.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
It sounds crazy because I've literally had to tell myself
that you're safe, nothing's gonna happen to you. Like, but
like I feel like I've never thought that I'd be
the type of person to have anxiety, so like I've
never said that out loud like that, but like it's
just this like deep fear of just not being safe
and it's so crazy.

Speaker 1 (56:01):
It's just like I don't know.

Speaker 2 (56:03):
Like I did take a half his annex the other day,
and I was like, wow, this is great, I told true,
but I'm like I think I started taking mushroom brea
was like this little pill is with too much. But yeah,
it's just like you work so hard and you do
all the things, and it's just like is it enough?
And I literally I was scrolling past Black Girl Bravado

(56:24):
and they were saying the same shit, and I was like.

Speaker 1 (56:27):
What the fuck, Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 4 (56:30):
Because we have this.

Speaker 3 (56:31):
Culture of do more, do more, do more, reach for
the stars, reach for the stars, reach your full potential.
And your full potential is expressed through work and act
checkpoints and checkpoints and dollar signs and goals met.

Speaker 1 (56:47):
And if you don't have a private jet, then are
you even doing anything.

Speaker 3 (56:52):
I don't know about all that, but I mean, but yes,
but I mean I understand it's not that.

Speaker 2 (56:57):
But you know, I don't want a private jet, but
I do just want to be kill you know, like chilling, chilling,
and yeah, I think.

Speaker 1 (57:06):
I don't know, are we ever satisfied?

Speaker 2 (57:09):
But yeah, I just want to live in the jungle
and retreat four times a year and just be like
present and leisurely do things like That's I want.

Speaker 1 (57:20):
To just live in ease and pleasure.

Speaker 4 (57:22):
Amen, so do I.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
Anyway, I was gonna read this review.

Speaker 2 (57:26):
Oh yeah, actually there was two that I thought I
didn't ask anyone if I.

Speaker 3 (57:34):
Refore read the review. Let me, I'm going to clear
the energy one more time. This is from our friends
at the Purple Purpose, Ziomara, the energy nurse. She sent
us this bundle.

Speaker 2 (57:45):
Maybe it's we're looking for the success president to doula energy.

Speaker 4 (57:49):
Nurse tell me what to do.

Speaker 3 (57:52):
She gave us this beautiful stage, rainbow stage and.

Speaker 4 (58:00):
H mm hmmm. I was writing so well before the

(58:22):
mm hmm. Everybody, let's just take a deep breath together.
Mm hmmm. Two more mm hmmm.

Speaker 1 (58:46):
Ah okay, donkey.

Speaker 2 (58:54):
First, Happy Mama's Day. How fitting inappropriate that I finished
the book on Mother's Day. Finding a moment to myself
to read was challenging, but I did it. I read
at work, the gym, and in my car. As I
finished today, I'm feeling a bit empty and saddened because
the book was like CPR. I laughed, cried, clutched my
pearls and all the in between. This book is a

(59:16):
testament to what so many women experience behind closed doors.
There aren't enough words in my vocabulary to thank you,
ladies enough. I thank you for your transparency and for
sharing your stories. So much of what I read were
experiences I've had myself in my nine years in the hood.
This book was therapy for me, group therapy. My heart, mind, body,

(59:37):
and soul needed this content. It was reassuring and confirmation
to so many things that I've been that I've been
on my mommy brain, from the depths of my heart.
Thank you both. I've never felt so visible and connected
to complete strangers in my life. I truly believe and
feel in a kind of selfish way, that one of
the purposes you both serve in this life is to

(59:57):
pour into and uplift other. Mommy not selfish. You are
both a gift from God. I will cherish and treasure
this book forever. As much as this as much shame
as the title exudes, Thank you for creating a safe, informative,
supportive space for single moms and for simultaneously paving a
runway for single mothers to walk down confidently and with pride.

Speaker 1 (01:00:20):
I receive that thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
I will one believe that a part of the purpose,
the main purpose, is to be able to pour into
the moms and to make space, you know, to remind
you who the fuck you are. So thank you for
seeing us.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
It makes me feel so happy.

Speaker 4 (01:00:38):
Thank you because you know what that pours into us.

Speaker 3 (01:00:40):
You know, that's what these messages from you guys do
pour it back into us. If it's like a cyclical thing,
we share our stories. We may not be able to
sit in front of you and have these conversations, but
we're in your ears, we're in your cars, we're in
your living rooms, we're in wherever the fuck you're listening
to this right now, and it's really intimate and I'm
grateful that I get to sit here and spend this

(01:01:01):
time with you that you've dedicated to and to us.

Speaker 4 (01:01:04):
You know, it's really.

Speaker 2 (01:01:05):
Welcome listen to your home, your personal space, and your
personal time.

Speaker 3 (01:01:09):
Yeah, and and then you know us pouring into you,
Like that's the gift. That's always my hope. But then
these kind of things pour back into me and I'm
just like still processing a little bit because we've been
getting such great feedback and even reading that, I'm.

Speaker 4 (01:01:24):
Like, is this for me? This is you're talking about this?

Speaker 2 (01:01:29):
I mean, well, that was our goal always in writing
the book, is that like we would pick stories and
lessons that we've learned that would resonate with other women.
But it just really feels good to know that they
actually are. Yeah, they do we didn't pick a card,
my love.

Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
Should we pick an affirmation?

Speaker 3 (01:01:54):
Hmmkay?

Speaker 1 (01:02:00):
Today's affirmation I think we.

Speaker 4 (01:02:11):
Huh.

Speaker 2 (01:02:11):
Today's affirmation comes from find your tribe, and the affirmation
is find yourself, then find your tribe. Find yourself, then
find your tribe. You can't find your tribe if you
don't know who you are.

Speaker 4 (01:02:28):
Your tribe will also help you a little bit, but
you've got to have the foundation.

Speaker 2 (01:02:31):
You got to have a tribe that is going to
be open and willing to let you explore whoever it
is that you are without shame or judgment. And I
know a lot of times it happens, you know, the
opposite way. You start to feel like you know who
you are, and then someone tells you that's not okay
and that's not acceptable, and then you kind of shrink
back into your cage. But that's the goal, is like,
once you're ten toes down and who the fuck you are,

(01:02:52):
then you can better, you know, scoop out the ones
that aren't.

Speaker 3 (01:02:56):
With it, or and even if you're not ten toes,
but you meet somebody or you hear or meet somebody
else that is, stay with that person, follow that person,
you know, congregate with that person, if those are, If
those are, if that sounds like us, come to the
good vibratry, you know, like you're gonna meet other women
that are exploring what ten toes down looks like for them,

(01:03:18):
and they need a space that feels open, that feels
safe to judge for Yeah, safe to explore this. It
feels like a place they're not going to be judged.
They're gonna be able to show up however, weird, however,
whatever the fuck they want. And you know, I do
believe that that is me and Mila's gift is the
accepting of whatever the fuck.

Speaker 4 (01:03:40):
You want and who you want to be, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:03:43):
And I'm just so grateful that we've created this community
in this space for women to be that and show
up as themselves, which in turn helps me show up
as myself because I'm still ever evolving and still you know,
obviously a bottle of fucking anxiety still and in ways.
But that's the point is to come congregate, do the work,

(01:04:04):
do the exploration, ask the questions, question everything, then reaffirm
your fucking self and come back.

Speaker 4 (01:04:12):
A new bitch.

Speaker 3 (01:04:14):
Yeah, and uh, We're going to Mexico and July, you guys,
if the trip is approaching, we're almost sold out. You
need to just go ahead and book. It's the summer
vacation that you deserve, that you need. It's gonna be healing,
it's gonna be a little ratchet. It's gonna be a
lot of fun and a lot of luxury. It's very luxury.
Every room is ocean side. Literally, wake up to the

(01:04:35):
ocean every morning, Jump in the jump in the beautiful
pool overlooking the ocean.

Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
Have a curated breakfast, marcar, do yoga right on the
cliff of the mountain while you watch the ocean tides.

Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
It's warm.

Speaker 4 (01:04:50):
Smoke a joint while you do that.

Speaker 2 (01:04:53):
Be topless, dance, shake that ass, hug for a long time,
Stare at each other for a long time, Sit by
yourself for a long time, be silent, talk, laugh till
you cry, literally endless. Get a massage ocean front. You
know all the things you haven't had a chance to
do at home. Just take a chance. Put down your deposit.

(01:05:14):
It's only five hundred dollars. You could pay until you
get there and give yourself a motherfucking vacation.

Speaker 1 (01:05:21):
Vacation.

Speaker 4 (01:05:22):
Valcussion.

Speaker 1 (01:05:22):
Valcussion is shava ganza.

Speaker 3 (01:05:25):
We have solo rooms. We have rooms you can come
with your friend or or whoever make a new friend.
I would seel like ninety eight percent of the women
that come come by themselves. So don't wait for your
homegirl to come and book and to come on this trip.
You might need to meet some new homegirls, the ones
that are gonna just go with the flow and do
what you need to do for your best and tie yourself.

(01:05:47):
So check out the Good Vibe Retreat and you can
see all the pictures there and feel the vibes and
feel the energy.

Speaker 4 (01:05:55):
So we pulled the Two of Cups, my dear.

Speaker 3 (01:06:01):
The Two of Cups shows a young man and a
woman exchanging cups and pledging their love for one another.
Above them floats the a winged staff with two snakes
wrapped around it. I don't want to say that word. Basically,
it's two people staring at each other. The upright version
of this card means unified love, partnership, and mutual attraction.

(01:06:25):
If the ace of Cups represents the flow of love
from within, the two of Cups, is the flow of
love between two people. With this card, you are creating
deep connections and partnerships based on shared values, compassion, and
unconditional love. While these relationships are still in the early stages,
they have the potential to grow and developed into something
deeply fulfilling and rewarding.

Speaker 4 (01:06:42):
In the long term, you.

Speaker 3 (01:06:44):
Have mutual respects and appreciation for one another, and together
you reach higher planes of consciousness and understanding. When the
two of cups card appears in a tarror reading, you
may enter a new partnership, perhaps with the lover friend
or business partner. You both are focused on creating a
reallyiflationship that is mutually beneficial, one that will create a
win win situation for both parties. You see eye to

(01:07:05):
eye and appreciate what each other brings to the table.
In business partnership, the two of cups is a sign
you are both on the same wavelength and share a
similar vision for the venture you are creating together. You
may not have the same skills as each other, but
you create a beautiful, beautiful synergy when you work together.

Speaker 4 (01:07:27):
Sounds like us, Wow, look sounds like us. It is us, dear,
I need to take a picture of that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:37):
We have created a beautiful synergy, a good partnership, and honestly,
we've done a lot when we haven't given been given
a lot of instruction figuring it out, just figuring it out,
and it's worked, and I'm grateful. I'm so grateful for you.
I honestly don't know how I've done any of the
shit alone. I mean, writing the book, traveling like there's

(01:07:59):
no one else I could ever travel for three weeks
straight with and not hate after.

Speaker 1 (01:08:03):
It's not possible.

Speaker 4 (01:08:06):
It's a lot.

Speaker 2 (01:08:06):
It is a lot, and sometimes it's just a lot
in general, has nothing to do with us. It's just like,
this is a lot, big responsibility that we've taken on.

Speaker 1 (01:08:15):
And they were just looking at each other, like one.

Speaker 4 (01:08:17):
Of us has an answer. So what should we do, Mila,
what should you choose this time?

Speaker 1 (01:08:20):
Well, I bought a quarter in the pendulum, you.

Speaker 4 (01:08:22):
Flipped the coin one of the coins. Okay, let's do it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:25):
That's genuinely how we take you know, how we are
making major decisions.

Speaker 3 (01:08:29):
We literally made a very big decision this week with
a pendulum and a coin toss. So it's basically it's
going to work out. Speaking of bad choices, because some
people might look at that as a bad choice, like
making a business decision off of a fucking pendulum. We
have a challenge that we're doing that we're starting in
junior guys. It's the Bad Choices Challenge. And you know,

(01:08:54):
the reason we want to talk about this is because
what we've noticed when we were talking about our book
is this is the question that people kept asking us,
like what do you mean by bad choice?

Speaker 4 (01:09:01):
Like are you really making bad choices?

Speaker 3 (01:09:04):
And the answer is both, because you know, my bad
choice might not be your bad choice and vice versa.
And then also there are there are all just bad choices,
and sometimes we have to share those too, Like when
we feel really bad about a choice that we've made
and we're beating ourselves up, sometimes we need to just
share the thing so that someone else can affirm you
and say, hey, I made that bad choice also and

(01:09:26):
look at me like you'll be okay, don't worry. So
the Bad Choice Challenge is a challenge where we want
to encourage you guys to join us in sharing one
bad choice a week, whether that is you smoking outside,
smoking a blunt while that baby sleep, or you know,
going on a trip, dropping off, doing the child switch

(01:09:49):
baby daddy, about to go out, go out to go
do whatever the fuck you want to do. Like all
these things are I think images that we need to
see more moms doing to normalize what a bad choice
is and what a good choice looks for whoever the
fuck you are as a mother.

Speaker 1 (01:10:06):
No, I agree.

Speaker 2 (01:10:06):
If you have to go online and buy those stripper shoes,
so go to.

Speaker 1 (01:10:11):
Miami next week, do it.

Speaker 4 (01:10:14):
It's a good.

Speaker 3 (01:10:15):
Choice, and then tag us bad choice is challenge. We
want to see those strippers, those stripper shoes. I want
to see those topless photos. I want to see you
smoking blunts. I would like to see you getting your
nails done, or just being honest about you know, maybe
a fuck up because we all fuck up guys.

Speaker 2 (01:10:32):
Are popping your v vitamin right before your date comes over,
right before you go to the club because you think
you're gonna have maybe a one night stand. Those are
good choices for your pum pum. V vitamins is always
a good choice. Let's just be honest. You know, we
talk about our V vitamins all the time, but that's
because that shit works. The shit literally increases your sex life.

Speaker 4 (01:10:55):
And I don't mean your libido.

Speaker 3 (01:10:56):
I mean the wet wetness, I mean everything.

Speaker 1 (01:10:59):
If you have a from yees BV I mean like
you take daily vitamins. Right, it's no need.

Speaker 3 (01:11:04):
That's the thing, is that why don't we think that
our like our pussies need up keep up keeping care,
Like we need to oil the pussy up. It needs moisture.
Don't forget to lotion your pussy, ladies, Like, don't skip
the lotion on the pussy. Not lotion usually oils like
Lady Sweet or any other sort of vulble oil. But
then also we have to take care of the inside

(01:11:27):
of our bodies, making sure a that we're eating right.
There's so many factors when it comes to like vaginal
health that we as women literally ignore.

Speaker 4 (01:11:33):
Will be like why do I keep getting.

Speaker 3 (01:11:34):
Yat infections and be eating fucking donuts every sugar every
every night. It's like, girl, you have to change your diet.
This is a living, breathing organism, organ that we have
to like troubleshoot.

Speaker 2 (01:11:46):
I mean, and it's just like such a powerful one too, right,
It's like our brain, yeah, but more powerful.

Speaker 1 (01:11:54):
So you really have to.

Speaker 3 (01:11:55):
Like and there's a confidence that comes when you know
you're you're this thing, well the pussy, but your body
is functioning and it has as it should. You know,
whether that's you know, you exercising. But yeah, I think
vaginal health too, as women is such a taboo topic.

Speaker 1 (01:12:09):
It gets Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:12:14):
It's okay.

Speaker 3 (01:12:16):
Vaginal health is such a taboo topic and it's so important.
So many women suffer in silence. Men want to shame
us all day long on the internet.

Speaker 2 (01:12:24):
Like.

Speaker 3 (01:12:25):
This is the this is the portal of life. There's
a lot that's going on in here, Like, it's not
just a dick that's squirts shit out. So I think
that we need to normalize women taking care of their
wombs because they are intricate, they're complicated, they're sensitive and
there's nothing wrong with that, and they're all different and

(01:12:48):
they feel delicious and warm and gooey. Anyway, on that note, anyway,
I don't know how I went on to put the tangent,
but here I am.

Speaker 1 (01:12:58):
Species are important. Hashtag pussies are important.

Speaker 4 (01:13:01):
Power of the pussy. Sorry, shut the fuck up now.

Speaker 2 (01:13:08):
Thank you guys for joining us for another episode of
Good Mom's Bad Choices. We are now high, but you
know where to find us everywhere on all podcasts platforms
at Good Mom's Bad Choices, on Instagram at Good Mom's
Underscore Bad Choices. You can find me at Mila underscore map.
You can find me at watch Erica. Make sure you
join our Patreon.

Speaker 3 (01:13:28):
We're actually having a Patreon event on May thirty first,
so make sure you join our Patreon to come to
our last Patreon event of the month and.

Speaker 2 (01:13:40):
Get exclusive content and all the shit we don't talk
about on here at me and access to our close friends.

Speaker 3 (01:13:47):
And we also are posting pictures there of things that
correlate with the book, so you can see just kind
of the journey and picture forms.

Speaker 4 (01:13:54):
So make sure you check us out on Patreon, and
we love you.

Speaker 3 (01:13:57):
Take care of yourself, don't let these things get you down.

Speaker 5 (01:14:01):
Bye Bye solo record

Speaker 3 (01:14:27):
Las

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Erica Dickerson

Jamilah Mapp

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