You Make the Mf'n Rules

Hey Tribe! Erica and Milah start Good Moms Guide to May with a bang as the girls finally release their book A Good Moms Guide to Making Bad Choices!! The girls bring the Good Mom book club to you as they cover some of their most pivotal moments, funny stories, and valuable lessons they’ve learned on their journey of motherhood. Erica and Milah share profound experiences that have aided their right of passage to motherhood and their divine womanhood. The girls show that there is no universal standard for being a mother and that shit is beautiful.

Expect to hear:

• The girl spill the tea on their wildest mom moments as they prepare to go on tour!
• The girls share a sneak peek of the chapter that captures one of the most pivotal moment of their lives
• Giving yourself grace during your pregnancy and birth journey
• Recognizing the power that comes from giving birth vs. the mainstream perspective on birth
• Ways in which society is not there for the mom during our childbirth and how to show up for yourself
  
  

All this and more is available across all Podcast platforms. This week, Patreon Mamas get to hear Erica and Milah dish out all the valuable mommy advice that you don’t get in the book. Hear all the uncensored bonus content that uncover some of the girl’s juicest mom moments!

Connect With Us:
@GoodMoms_BadChoices
@TheGoodVibeRetreat
@Good.GoodMedia
@WatchErica
@Milah_Mapp

—--------------------------------

NEW RETREAT GIVEAWAY! Pre-order your copy of our first book, Good Moms Guide to Making Bad Choices, and get a chance to win a free trip to our upcoming Mexico retreat!

Good Vibes Mexico is now open for booking! We're going to Sayulita in July 2023. We have two weeks available to pick from. Don't miss out on this incredible experience and register now!

Good Good Media is officially open! Join our Podcast Fam, and learn more about our new production studio services.

PATREON: If you’re not a Patreon yet….well, what are you doing?!? Join us over at Patreon where a community of amazing women are laughing, healing, connecting, and living our best lives. Visit patreon.com/goodmomsbadchoices today. See you over there!

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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
And our last tour, Jamila proposition like literally like put
us on the meat market on stage and was.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Just like who wants all? At three times tonight I said,
I said, Whisper, Are you risk your will? Yeah? Whisper
in your Unicorn? I had like five women like unicorn, Unicorn.
Take your chance. One thirty five dollar ticket could get
you a makeout with both of us. You might throw
Orlando into Oh my god. Welcome back to Good Mom's

(00:46):
Bad Choices.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
I'm Erica and I'm Nila, And it is the first
week of wait. It is the first Wednesday of May.
Welcome to May. This month's theme is a Good Mom's
Guide Too, and we will be unpacking all of the
amazing stories and just inviting a few really amazing and

(01:11):
dynamic guests to talk about motherhood, to talk about our book,
which is officially on motherfucking sale right the fuck now?

Speaker 2 (01:19):
How do you feel? How do you feel you have
been a published author for one day? I feel liberated.
I do. I feel liberated. You guys, I know you
think you know all our business, but you don't.

Speaker 1 (01:32):
There's a lot of shit in here that I haven't
felt comfortable sharing on the podcast and for some reason,
when I put pen to paper, I really felt like
I could eloquently get it off my chest and be
done with it. And I'm fucking done with it. And
I really recently something came up in my life that
really showed me that I'm done with it. You know,
I'm really done, Like I'm not affected any longer by

(01:55):
the people and the things that.

Speaker 2 (01:58):
Have hurt me.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
And and if you read the book, you'll know what
I'm talking about. And if you follow social media, then
you probably know what I'm talking about. I don't know,
but anyway, I'm being cryptic because I want you to
read the book.

Speaker 2 (02:12):
But I feel good. How do you feel? I do?
I feel liberated? I feel that I think that for
a very long time, we've been writing this book, and
for a very long time, only you and I had
read it, you and I and our and our editors,
and you know, our editors are some of our agents

(02:33):
are not moms, our editor is, and so you know,
I was just really I was anxious about the feedback
that we would get and how our community would receive it.
And not that I don't think it's good, but this
is a new this is a new format for us
this is a new is what's what I'm looking for.
We know if artists use different mediums, this is a
new medium for us. And you know, I had my

(02:55):
best friend read it and she read it in one
day and I was like, you know, and she's like,
I loved it. And then we've had a couple interviews.
We get an interview with the Route and we had
an interview with Essence and both of them well yeah,
one of them read it and they really loved it,
and she really resonated with it. So the more I
get a little bit of feedback, I'm like, get feeling

(03:17):
more confident, and I do. I feel liberated. I feel
liberated in my truth. I feel liberated and this is
what I'm here for. And you know, you may relate,
you may not, but you go and get this book.
And I hope that you guys have gotten it, because
I don't know if you guys know this, but authors
only can become best selling authors. They have one week.

(03:40):
They have pre sales and they have a week and
right now we only have about four more days until
our sales are in. And if we've never asked you
for anything, please please, please please, this is a huge project.
For us, and we really need your support if you
listen to us, if you just started listening, not a
lot of black women get to become first time author
and this was pretty divine. So if you're listening right now,

(04:04):
stop bullshitting. Go to Good Moms, Bad Choices dot com,
click the book link on the drop down and pick
your poison. You can pick. You can order from Barnes
and Noble, you can order from Target, you can order
from Amazon, and you can order from a black owned
bookstore Malik's, which are selling signed copies. And you can
support two single black women moms first time authors. Yes,

(04:29):
it's true.

Speaker 1 (04:30):
We are shamelessly begging just because you know, we have
really put a lot of our business out here, a
lot mostly for ourselves because it's cathartic. But I if
any of the stories that we've shared have have helped you,
have resonated with you, have assisted you through any part
of your journey, like I really, really, I really just

(04:50):
want to ask you to support us in this momentous
moment for us, you know, and our tribe is really
important to us. And we don't ask you just to
say like yeah, yeah, just buy the book and that's it.
We have a lot of offers for you. Offerings for
you guys too. Once you buy the book, if you
go on our website, which you can just click the
link in this episode description, you get a ton of freebies.

(05:11):
After you buy the book, you put your order number
in and boom, you get a bunch of shit in
your email address from Actually I'm not gonna put it
all in yours, I mean in your email Jesus Christ,
my brain. You have a lot of you gotta We
get a lot of free stuff because we are all
about reciprocity.

Speaker 2 (05:29):
Is that the word reciprocity.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
We're all about reciprocity, and we want to keep giving
you the things that you need, the things that have
helped us. And I'm just really excited for you guys
to read this book. I'm really nervous, but I'm really
really excited. We're also doing a giveaway. If you want
to enter the giveaway, We're giving away a free trip
to the Good Vibe Retreat in Mexico in July when

(05:52):
you purchase the book. So we're going to select one woman.
You do not have to be a mom, just a woman.
Once you purchase the book, you can click the link
in this episode description and upload your receipt to enter
the giveaway, and we are announcing the winner on Mother's Day.
So I'm just really excited to be able to offer
you guys so many things, and in exchange, I am

(06:13):
asking you for your support.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
And for those of you who already pre ordered the
book and you got it in the mail yesterday, the
deepest thank you. Please read it, and as you read it,
please let us know how you feel about it. Send
a story. Actually, I really want everyone to share their
bad choices, like if you've if you've had any bad choices, like,
please add us and tell us, because I just want to.

(06:36):
I want to. I want to read it along with you.
I want to, I want to feel how you feel.
I want to know if it resonates and if it
does resonate with parts, and that will make us feel
really good and know that the work that we're doing
is you know, being received. We really like you know,
we get to hear from people in DMS. But if
you're like hesitant to reach out or you think it's weird,
it's not. We're friends, and I want to know. I

(06:59):
want to know you're feeling and like what came up
for you. These things are important to us. Please connect
with us on our socials and let us know you
know how you feel about the book and all that
good stuff. Yes, all those things. Sorry, what nothing. I

(07:19):
was just going to say, it's affirmation time, and because
we have so many affirmations in our book and it's
May and it's a good mom's guide, may, I am
going to I have a couple. Well, fuck, I lost
my I was going to just like scroll and see
where it stops and then read that part. And I
did it before we started, and now I lost it.
I don't have to find it again. But I'm gonna
do that for the affirmations unless you have a special afirmation, Okay, donkey.

(07:43):
This affirmation is advocating for and keeping my peace is
my birthright, and no one comes before me when it
comes to my well being. Advocating for and keeping my
peace is my birthright, and no one comes before me
when it comes to my well being. Mm mmmm.

Speaker 1 (08:04):
I think that is like a major challenge for most
moms is really advocating for yourself, you know, and not
feeling guilty about putting yourself, pleasure, your self, love, whatever
that looks like for you. First you know, society tells
us that motherhood is a sacrifice, it's sacrificial, that we

(08:27):
are sacrificial lambs. That is really the narrative that has
been painted unfortunately, and you know, even in this book,
we really challenge that aggressively and really advocate for you
to change your mindset because you can't be a good
mom when you are running on empty. You cannot be

(08:47):
a good mom when you are giving everything to everyone
else and putting yourself last. You know, these are things
that seem really basic, right Like you see these things
on social media. You hear people talk about this, but
are you actually applying this to your life? Are you
actually doing this? Are you totally burnt out? Are you
totally exhausted? And granted it's not always perfect. There would

(09:10):
be times where you will be there will be times
where it will be hard to find the balance, but
you have to remember this affirmation in those times to
kind of come back to that idea, Come back to
that not even idea, come back to that application in
your life because it isn't just an idea. I think

(09:30):
a lot of times you hear affirmations and they just
become ideas. Are things we say and then we forget them.
And it's like, how often are we actually applying these
affirmations that we read on Instagram to our life? Are
we just saying them in the day and it helps
us through? Are we actually applying these things? So I
just want to be saying them once and actually not
believing them. Yeah, and you might and you might, you

(09:52):
might not believe them. And it takes time sometimes to
believe that.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
You have to practice an affirmation repeatedly until it truly
you believe it and it resonates and sometimes honest it
takes like months or years. You know, there's been things
programming I've been telling myself like and and to acknowledge it.
The programming we tell ourselves is often negative and for
so long that it takes an aggressive amount of positive
affirmations to make it sink in.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
And you know, we've talked we were talking about this
on I don't know what podcast it was because we've
done it so many but just kind of you kind
of have to go against yourself.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
You kind of have to.

Speaker 1 (10:31):
Just do the exact opposite of what you what you've
been programmed to do. You know, like you have to
get uncomfortable making other people uncomfortable with your new boundaries,
with your new no's, with your new yeses, and and
that's challenging, it really is, but it gets it gets easier,

(10:52):
it does.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
And it really gets easy making setting boundaries and standing
in whatever makes you happy or fulfilled when you are
around people that honor you and your happiness and your
peace and are there to help you and like not
make you feel crazy for advocating for yourself. And sometimes
it's hard to find those people because even as women,
we judge ourselves and then we judge each other and

(11:16):
then prevents us from like having deep connections and deep
friendships and like finding a tribe. But if you, guys,
are those moms or those women who are in the
house all the time, sticking to your routine, not veering
out of it, and not venturing out to do anything new,
you're not going to find new friends. You're not going
to find your tribe, and you're not going to be
able to practice what you preach and practice you know,

(11:40):
keeping boundaries and you know it's just being you authentically.
And I feel like sometimes people feel like it's difficult
to find women like that, women who are radically accepting
of other women. And I think we are afraid to
find that afraid to tell the truth. If you're one
of those women, and you know, if you're on the socials,

(12:00):
we are going on tour and all of our people
come and all of our people are radically accepting. It's
like we've definitely cultivated a community of like radically honest women.
And I'm so proud and like, if you're in the
New York area, we'll be in New York. I mean
we'll be at City Winery on Friday, turning up. You know,

(12:21):
moms and women need to take breaks. And if something
like going to a live podcast show alone is not
something you would typically do, this is your This is
your sign, this is your challenge.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
This is I want to challenge you right now to
get out of your comfort zone.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
Honestly, just be like fuck it, I'm gonna go. Like
who cares if it's alone, Like maybe you have maybe
you asked a friend to go or whatever. She might
buy the ticket, he might not whatever, But like pull
up and really like take a leap of faith, because
I mean, honestly, this is how we got here. Erica
pulled up on me. This stranger bitch pulled up on
me at the club in the bathroom and was like

(12:58):
we're going to be friends and at the time, and
I know it was awkward and uncomfortable for her, and
but like thank god she did, because now we're delivering
a message, you know, lots of messages, and it's it's
a game changer, like doing something different from what you're
used to doing could potentially be a life changing thing

(13:18):
for you, a life changing decision. So a lot of
times we get comfortable in our routines. We go to work,
we come home, we feed the kids, we feed the husband,
you know whatever, you bend over all the things, and
we forget to say, like wait, hold up, like let
me do something spontaneous, let me frolic, let me do
a cartwheel very quick. Let me go down to the
bar and meet these bitches that I've only listened to
and now they're here, and this seems totally weird, but

(13:40):
I'm going to do it. Like do something for yourself,
Come get a drink, come hang out with us, dress sexy,
because you know that's what we like to do. And
like if you came to our last show, you already
know it's it gets pretty like this is a production.
We take this craft very seriously and we're extra ass bitches.
So the show is always an extra, there's always special guest,
there's always surprise components, And I guarantee you everybody at

(14:04):
this show is going to welcome you with open arms
because honestly, that's just the kind of click we roll with.
And like I've seen it transpire time and time and
time and time again, because honestly, like this, this friendship
has like opened us up to just opening the arms
and the love to other women and the like. It
really is felt. So if you were just on the fence,

(14:28):
if you usually don't do things like this, if you've
never gone to a live show, please come kick it
with us. It's going to have a really good time.
We're going to drink It's synco to fucking'd maaya. You know,
these two bitches love tequila. We've retired from from tequila
and touring, but for this this launch, I think we's
going to be It's going to be a tequila time. Yeah,
Because I don't know if you've heard it.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
Listen to our episode Rockstar Moms, but a Bitch is
we're falling apart on our last tour with the amount
of drinking that was happening. I don't have it in me,
but I'll say it to my own the fuck I do.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
It's not only is it SA good to mile, It's
the first launch week of our book, our first book,
and we're gonna be in the Today Show. We're gonna
be Today Show.

Speaker 1 (15:09):
I'm gonna be on the Today Show tomorrow. So if
you're listening to this on Wednesday when we dropped this episode,
we are going to be on the Today Show in
the nine am hour, talking about our book, talking our shit,
really trying not to curse because we're not supposed to
do that. So we're gonna have to wrap up those
bitches and fucks. So just pray that a bitch figures
it out.

Speaker 2 (15:28):
And then post us. I really want you guys to
post us on the Today Show and then tag us
so I could feel famous. I want to repost it.
So if you're a Today Show watcher and you're up
at nine am on the Eastern Standard time, you need
to get your phone out, not only turn to the channel,
get your phone out, tag us so I can repost

(15:50):
it and tell my mom, lick, Mom, I told you
I was famous. And then like maybe one of my
salty ass ex'es that I blocked. Will see it. This
is fact and be like, oh god, it shouldn't have
been such a disrespectful dickhead. Look at that famous fine
ass bitch. Now, okay, that's the toxic part of me talking.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
When you come to our show too, if you want
to hang out with us, get the VIP ticket. The
VIP ticket comes with a book, comes with comes with
the book that we will sign right there and then
write whatever the fuck you want. I love you, I
want to look your titties. Whatever you want me to write,
I'll write it.

Speaker 2 (16:22):
Don't say look your titties. I said, I'll write it.
I'm not gonna do it. I might who knows? Who knows?
I know you might. You'll never know unless you come,
so you won't know if you get a little titty,
like maybe one titty. How do you like liking titties?
So it could happen. You never know.

Speaker 1 (16:35):
I've been because our last tour, Jamila proposition like literally
like put us on the meat market on stage and
was just.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
Like who wants to have a three times tonight.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Basically, and I was like, bitch, what the fuck. And
then we had hose, whispering in our ears at the
meat and green.

Speaker 2 (16:50):
Like unicorn, I said, I said, a whisper.

Speaker 1 (16:54):
If you risk your yeah, whispering in your Unicorn. I
had like five women like unicorn, Unicorn.

Speaker 2 (16:59):
I know you show up, I know you show up
super fun and I'm censored. You know what I thought
about this? Okay, So I thought about this recently because
we went to we went to Mexico and they were like,
you don't like we got these cards pulled before we
did this ceremony and in preparation for our retreat that's
coming up, which was a beautiful ceremony. But one of
the cards was like, you don't have to be like

(17:21):
held on to the parts of you that you used
to be. And I was like, is God telling me
that I no longer need to identify as a party girl?
Is that what came to you? Is that what you
identify us? No, not necessarily, but there have been a
couple of times in my life. I went to therapy
and I was like, I don't give a fuck what
anybody thinks. And they're like, do you because you're saying
that adamantly and I was like, you shut up. But

(17:42):
I was just thinking about us, and I was thinking
about I do think that they're I mean, we've heard
it from other moms like I'm cool, but I'm not
as party as you or like I think because we
show up so honest and we tell a lot of
party stories, a lot of entertainment stories, not entertainment stories,
a lot of stories of our of our high funds,
and I think that people have this perception or can

(18:05):
have this perception of us that were like some wild
moms or you know or whatever. And then I was thinking,
like I hope like people don't hang out with us
and then they're like they're boring.

Speaker 1 (18:15):
So is that why you feel like you got to
like I keep this persona going. No, you told everyone
to whisper fucking you to corny.

Speaker 2 (18:20):
No. I was just saying, like the growth and like
the perception of us. And I had a show in DC.
We were at the club with some like we we're
those girls like there's an afterparty you meet us at
the table and this girl came up to me and
was like can I make can I I don't know.
She said she could three way make out with us,
and I was like, you have to ask my boyfriend.
I was like, go ask Erica. I don't know, but

(18:41):
I was actually and then she did. She came over
and asked me, and I was like, no, girl, no, no,
did I do it? I know? I asked Orlando. I
was again the tequila and the touring. This is why
we retired it because I got a little beside myself. Listen,
there could be a chance I might put my tongue
in your mouth. You never really know.

Speaker 1 (19:00):
Have I made out with a fan or not, or
someone who listens to us, Yeah, yep, I have.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
Oh bitch, you were there who.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Lando dying in the other room. Yeah, it's happened. You
know it has happened.

Speaker 2 (19:27):
Yeah, you just you just never know what could happen.
So this is so all that to say, don't expect
us to be super crazy party all the time. But
also you never know. I don't know. I can go
either way. It's it's yeah, yeah, it's gone either way
a lot of times. But don't don't hold us to that.

(19:49):
But it could happen, especially on a Friday. And that
is also the launch of our book that took two
years to write. That is also the day after we
were on the Today Show, which is also after it's
also syncle to Maya. It's a strong possibility anything's happened
and seem aligned. This is basically like we'll, we'll, we'll
wait listen.

Speaker 1 (20:08):
You will get a free ship to Mexico. You will
get free ship. We might lick your tea. We also
might make out with you. You want a threesome, whisper
Unicorn like, this is our shameless bag.

Speaker 2 (20:18):
This is making us seem like a prey, asperate asshole,
a tray of me at a at a party, the
pass around Trey. Just come take us so vulnerable, we'll
be really happy and excited and friendly that day. Take
your chance. One thirty five dollar ticket can get you
a makeout with both of us. We might throw Orlando
into Oh my god, oh my goodness. That doesn't support

(20:44):
us turning a new leaf at all. But so basically
you are still a party of all and I still
might make out with you. So here we go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:58):
Also, if you've been listening to the show for a
long time, than you know New York is very dangerous
place for us.

Speaker 2 (21:05):
It's coordinates are coordinates make me crazy? I don't you know.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
I never got my astro cartography writing from that hoe
that kept canceling on me, bitch, if you're listening, who
also took my money?

Speaker 2 (21:18):
But I would like.

Speaker 1 (21:20):
To say that I think there's something in my astrological
chart as it pertains to New York City and probably
yours as well. Maybe it's just bitches in general, because
I find that most of my friends when they go
to New York, they while the fuck out. I think
it's because there's fun on every corner. Birds of a
feather flock together, and you know, for the people that
are from New York and live there, they're like, I
don't like, it doesn't pertain to you because you're there

(21:41):
all the time. It's the travel there that don't know
how to act and you know, aka yeah. For much
of my singleness, I spent time in New York and
every single time, without fail, I was a hoe there.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
I'm having a flash. But I'm just saying this. It
is stressing me out. I feel stress like I'm having
a specific thought. And I was just like, am I
a dumb bit? I had no?

Speaker 1 (22:07):
We're fun, bitch, I had to fun, so much fun.
I've had so much fun in New York. It's just
one of my favorite cities. It's just fun on every corner.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
There is a long I think I think that the
like I think I thrive there too. There's like a
there's an energy, there's an energy like I don't know
the men there, they just they just fuck with this.
They fuck with the scorpio energy. And there's like a
few cities that have like like an endless amount of
fine niggas. And it's New York, It's New Orleans. It's
those two. Yeah, it's New Orleans. Ne Orleans has fine niggas.

(22:36):
I don't know if they have jobs that they are
fine and they have those accents that throw you off
and you're like, you want me to come home with you?
What'd you say? There's also a lot of bars in
those cities and Atlanta too. Atlanta gets you crazy because
every restaurant, even the regular restaurant, is the club the club. True.
I don't know. Atlanta is confusing, you know what. I

(22:58):
don't really know what you're gonna get there. I did
so much partying in Atlanta that I have a lot
of perpetrating in Atlanta, a lot. I'm all front I
think I expired fronts, all types of fronts happening. When
I went to Atlanta. This last time, I went out
by myself because I had to get out of the house.
And I went to meet cousin Chris, and we went

(23:21):
to dinner dinner, which is always the club Hokah hookah,
and then we went Then they're like, then they're like,
come to MJQ. Shout out to Goddess Jresse. I was like,
I must see my bitch. And they were also saying
that MJQ was about to move locations, and everybody knows
the underground locations, the epic location. So I was like,
if it's the last time I can go, I have
to go right because I have fomo like so bad.
And then I went. I hung out and like I

(23:43):
smoked and you know, I partied and then I got
in the uber and I went home like a regular bitch. No, actually,
let me tell you. Let me this is Eric was
gonna get a kick out of this. I am so greedy.
I just want everyone to know the level of greed
that I go to. I take all my food home.
I know people think it's like getto but like I
if I literally it'll be a corner left on the plate,
Like I'll take it home. I went to dinner with

(24:05):
cousin Chris and his cousin who kept ordering shots, and
I was like, bitch, you're trying to get me fucked up.
I already got like erics like my mom like you
have to record in the morning, so don't stay up
too Like it's like, I'll be back. We get to
the club. Weber to the club. I had my like
doggy bag and I can't take it in the club.
Do you guys know did you go hide it so
you can get it? I hit it. I know you did.

(24:26):
There was a fence. There was a fence like this,
it was like somebody's house, and I like, I was like,
hold on. I put the bag over the fence. I
was like, it'll be fine. Went in the club, came
back out. I was like, oh, come with me across
the street. I gotta grab something. What is your food
scarcity problem? I don't know, like like I don't have
enough food as a child, Like I don't I gonna
ask about that. I don't remember starving as a child.

(24:48):
And I don't know if we were always like plentiful,
but like it's extensive. And I took it home only
to leave it in the refrigerator. Where we were.

Speaker 1 (24:55):
You always do this. You don't ever eat it. I
barely ever eat it, So it's just a.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
But it's like that I'm gonna get high, I'm gonna
be looking for it and I'm gonna pissed and I
don't have those four bites. But anyway, I need to
get this. I needed to get as a psychologist about
not a psychologist is a psychic about that shit? You
need to figure out where you're supposed to thrive with locations.
That's a cardio what did you call it? A cartography
cartography reading? A cartography reading for those of you who

(25:22):
know is it's gonna tell you your courded carto astrology
about where you're supposed to live and we're supposed.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
To live, or like where your vibration is highest, like yeah,
where places you should travel to.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
Where your vibrations as hoists. Maybe you might find your
new future husband wife whatever lever. Yeah, yes, yes, I'm
sorry I got so thrown off at my dumbass food
story that I forgot I was talking about. Okay, anyway,
I thought it would be, Oh, you didn't eat the
food I forgot It was delicious of a shrimp and
risotto and I forgot it and Samia's refrigerator, so I

(25:54):
hope somebody ate it. Anyway, we thought it would be
a really cool idea. Last week we had our kids
come on for a little bit. If you guys didn't
catch it, it was really it was really heartfelt. And then
we extended the episode in Patreon, so if you didn't
check out our Patreon, we're getting really we're dropping some
juicy shit over there. We also have a lot of

(26:15):
behind the scenes from the book that we'll also we'll
talk more about on Patreon. So it's going to be,
you know, a deep, deep dive. But I was thinking
that we could like, just like you pull Taro, Taro,
you should pull a card. But I was just I
just like did one of those with the book, and
then I just stopped somewhere and said, this is what
God wants me to read. Okay, Okay, did you find it? Yeah? Okay,

(26:38):
this is actually my part. So those of you who
haven't ordered your book yet but you're doing it right
now as we speak, I just want you to know
that the book is we're co authors. So each chapter
you hear from me and then you hear from Erica
or Erica than me. I don't remember switches sometimes. It
switches sometimes, but it's we're going through the same parts
of our lives, but a lot of it is separately
because we didn't know each other for a long time motherhood,

(27:00):
during during our pregnancies, and our books and after motherhood,
and so it's kind of Someone described it as the
A side and the B side to a cassette tape,
which I really liked, and she said she looked forward
to each story, and quite frankly, you can read each
story simultaneously. You can read just Erica's and then you
can read just mine. It's two stories in one. Anyway,

(27:21):
it reminds me of the love below. I just don't
remember that. Oh yeah, this is the love below of books,
the love below of books. I'm I mean, no, I'm
I'm Andre. That'll be a big boy. That's cool. Actually,
before I get into this, let me light this backwood.

(27:41):
I rolled my favorite vanilla backwood, drizzled and honey before
I jump into this chapter. Because it gets a little
bit real. Let me let me let me hit my
my backwood real quick. I know.

Speaker 1 (27:52):
There's nothing like a good smoke to set the vibes.
Because one thing about this book is it's tea, it's triggering,
it's funny, and weed helps, so I support this message.

Speaker 2 (28:09):
Oh yeah, that's it, let me hear it. Here you go. Oh, okay,
story time, Okay, let's get into it. Okay. So this
is this chapter is called fuck. I just had a baby,

(28:30):
And if you guys are expecting or you just had
a baby, this may resonate with you, or if you
were thinking about having one. Listen closely, my DearS m
About two weeks into motherhood, my baby daddy asked me
for some head and I almost lost my shit. Was

(28:50):
this what I had signed up to do for the
rest of my life? Supply others with me? I was pissed,
and suddenly all the type of a wife life felt
more like the Twilight Zone. I'm gonna do sound effects. Okay,
I think I used this reference twice because that's the
only scary, scary one I know. The word forever began

(29:14):
to ring and really sink in like a horror film.
I couldn't escape. Fuck, couldn't this motherfucker see see how
much I had just given, how my body and spirit
had just experienced something out of this fucking world. At
that moment I felt postpartum depression creeping in my back door.
I tried to fight it by jumping headfirst back into

(29:36):
my life. I literally took Luna to the mall at
seven days old, and a random stranger looked over at
me and said that newborn needs to be inside. I
was mad and ignored the fuck out of that woman.
Who was Who was this stranger? And was I already
a terrible mother? I went back to work with Luna

(29:56):
two weeks after giving birth. I even made it to
a New Year's Eve party four weeks postpartum, again with
Luna into and all of us in matching tuxedo outfits.
I was determined to preserve my old life, and honestly,
my my baby daddy mostly supported me in that. As
long as he was included in all my activities, I'm
a cool mom. You have to read. You have to

(30:18):
get the book to hear more. You won't hear those
sound effects. I know it's going to be devastating, so
you can imagine where that story goes. Okay, is it
my turn? If you're not watching on YouTube, you should.
I'm giving the vibrations to the book to deliver everyone

(30:39):
exactly the message they need to hear right now. Oh no,
this is your? Should I read? It? Should be mine
or yours? This is read You should read yours because
I already read mine. No, no, yeah, okay, here we go.

(31:01):
Her chapter is this is fuck. I just had a baby?
Is the same one you're just running? Yeah? Okay, mmm hmm.
Let's see.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
A week before my due date, we set the inducement
for April twenty fourth, twenty fifteen. Doctor c Section said
it was better to set a date to make sure
a hospital bed would be ready for me. She told
me that waiting any longer than seven days after my
due date would make the probability of a natural birth
much lower. Fear mongering was her specialty, and I felt
myself falling into her trap. I went home that day

(31:44):
and had a little talk with baby Girl in her
new room. Over the past few months, I had meticulously
prepared her space, and the final touch was the rocking chair,
where I spent many days deciding what she.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
Would look like. My mom had told me that she
did the same with me, and I came out looking
exactly as she manifested, big curly hair, her daddy's eyes,
chocolate skin, dimples, and my lips were what I imagined
for Iri Jane. But this time, as I rock back
and forth, I visualized my water breaking in the shower,
me giving birth quickly and beady catching our baby. As

(32:15):
I envisioned what I wanted, I felt overwhelmed with panic.
Could I do this? I had spent so much time
preparing everything else that I hadn't really thought about the
details of my birth. Oh my god, this baby has
to get out of me somehow, right? Will she break
my pussy? What if I can't push her out? Maybe?
Will they have to use that section thingy that makes
newborn heads look like coneheads? What if she suddenly goes breach?

(32:38):
Could I die during childbirth? Yep? Could she? At the time,
I had no idea that black women are three times
more likely to die during childbirth than white women. And
thank god I didn't, because I would have spiraled even more.
My thoughts started to go dark, and so I just
stopped thinking about the birth and hope for the best.
The well informed woman I am today wishes I could

(32:59):
offer that previous version of myself a hug and tell
her to keep going. To keep envisioning what she wanted.
I wish I could tell her that manifesting and believing
in her capabilities would be her superpower, and that she
could do this exactly the way she wanted. Back then,
I called b D nine one one and told him
to come over immediately and fuck me nine one one.
What is this the nineties? A beeper nine? Come fuck me, nigga,

(33:27):
I need to get fucked take this baby out. That's
actually a really good way.

Speaker 1 (33:33):
Yeah, and yeah, you know it was. The fucking didn't help, No,
sure did it. Neither did the salad that they told
me I should eat with some sort of special ingredients
or some shit. But yeah, I think about that time
in my life often because I didn't get to have
the birthing experience that I know for sure my body
was capable of having. You know, I I was really

(33:56):
robbed of that experience, and you know, I didn't have
the where all to advocate for myself at the time,
especially being the only mom in the group. I didn't
know Jamie yet, so I didn't have my my friend
who who had these these I guess these tools that
she didn't even know. She had to just say, no,
I'm this is what the fuck I'm doing? Even after

(34:18):
doing the research, even after watching the business of being born,
doing all the things, I still questioned.

Speaker 2 (34:25):
My body's capabilities. And it's it's one of my big
probably one of my biggest regrets of my life, to
be honest, is not staying true to what I wanted,
because ultimately I was robbed at that experience. And I
do blame my doctor for that. She was careless and
she wanted to check period and she got it. I mean,

(34:46):
and that's the thing I think people, I mean, thankfully,
like you said in that chapter, it is like I
didn't know that I was three times likely to die either,
and thank fucking God, because it's already like so scary
and there's all it's already the unknown. And we were
pretty young, you know. I was twenty six, you were
twenty seven. And when you get put it like when

(35:07):
it's you're vulnerable when you're giving birth, you know, like
think about an animal who like goes to take hiding,
you know, goes to retreat when they're giving birth, except
there's not a bunch of medical doctors intervening. But you know,
you are vulnerable, and people tell you what they think
is gonna you know, speed it up or whatever. And
even for me, my birth didn't go exactly how I
wanted to go. And granted I had to go into

(35:30):
labor early and be induced, and I did get to
deliver naturally because I finally just gave in with the epidoral.
But I can only imagine how you feel, you know,
because even I want to redo and I want to
do it at home and like, you know, do it
the way I want to do it. But I think
ultimately to you guys, it's like having the tools is
super important. Advocating for yourself and trusting your body is

(35:52):
super important. But I always say this, but like birth
can truly be orgasmic and it can truly be a
rite of passage, and it's supposed to empower you. You know.
This is like really like where like you transform your
superpowers like Transformers, like the Power Rangers is because like,
once you give birth and you get through that, you're like, bitch,
I could do anything, And it really doesn't matter how
you bring the baby, you know, to Earth's side, you know, vaginally, epidural,

(36:17):
no epidural, scyrian, however way you do it. Motherhood is
once you start on this path of motherhood, it's a huge.
You know it is. It is a rite of passage.
But I really hope that people hear our stories and
understand how important it is to advocate for yourself and
that you choose a partner that will do the same
for you, and that you are really educated and empowered

(36:39):
before going into the hospital, because it's a game changer,
and they will they will trick you, and they will
try you. And like even me, we had different Earth's experiences,
but I had a very specific birth plan written out.
I made them copy it, made xeroxes and give them
to every nurse on fucking shift. I was there for
three days and I one of the things I said
is don't offer me medical any medicine, And what do

(37:02):
they do for your medicine immediately? And you're vulnerable and
you're like whatever, I took the time to meticulously write
out this birth plan and you're fucking going against it.
But it doesn't you know, in that time, people want
you to get the fuck out the bed so they
can make room for another one. And you know you
it is a business, and I I just I hope

(37:23):
that other black women, I hope this information doesn't scare you,
but it empowers you to just you know, do what's
right for you. And sometimes that's against what your partner says,
it's against what your mom says, and you got to
kind of like sit in whatever your intuition says for
you and just reminder that our bodies are made to
do this, and they can do this, and it's they're capable.

(37:45):
And you know, the doctor will tell you a bunch
of shit, the baby's too big, you too small, your
pelvis is too tiny, but you know, look at this
pelvis pushed out a baby, so you know, just keep
that in mind.

Speaker 1 (37:57):
I also like something you said really resonated with me
that I want more women, specifically mothers, to understand because
I think that a lot of moms that have given birth,
they're tired, They have all these things right where they
feel like they it is a rite of passage, absolutely,
but I think mothers oftentimes they don't feel empowered after birth.

(38:20):
They don't feel like I can do anything.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
You can do anything.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
You literally created life. You can do anything. So if
you right now are feeling stuck, if you're feeling ashamed,
if you're feeling less than, if you're feeling unattractive, you
can do anything. Literally you created life. And for the
women that you know choose not to create life, cannot

(38:47):
create life. Whatever the cases may be, it does not matter.
We are women period. We are life creators, whether that
is from the womb, from this womb, from this womb,
from this womb.

Speaker 2 (38:59):
We are the creators. Don't you fucking forget that. And
for those of you who are listening, she pointed to
both our womb, our heart, and our heads.

Speaker 1 (39:06):
Yeah, these are all wombs. Shout out to Queen of Fua,
who really pointed that out to me. It was something
that I never even really considered. And it's absolutely true.
And I think there's a lot of shame too for
the women that that can't have children that you.

Speaker 2 (39:20):
Know, they that they're they're broken. And that's not that
they are less than.

Speaker 1 (39:24):
They are less than that, they are somehow less than
in their in their womanhood and their femininity, and and
there are so many other ways that we birth that
are equally as powerful and a rite of passage in itself.
So I just want I want you to really really
know that, because a lot of people will tell you different,

(39:45):
whether that is your partner, your mother, Maybe you've made
some bad choices that have put you in a position
where you feel fucked up.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
You create a life, bitch. You can get out of it.
You can get out of anything. And then I think,
you know, even for that that that chapter that I
just read, I read a lot of books that empowered me.
And that's why I kind of really I initially planned
on giving unassisted home birth, like I did. I couldn't
afford a midwife, and I was like, fuck it, I'm

(40:14):
gonna do it with my friend's mama, and I was
confident in that. And I mean, obviously there was fear,
but like it was, there was less fear doing it
at home unassisted than there was going to the hospital.
And I ended up having to go to the hospital
and I ended up getting an epidural, and I ended
up like all these things like that interrupted the flow
of what I wanted to have. They almost broke me.
And to the point where you know, we're talking about

(40:35):
feeling empowered in birth, which you know socially that's not
what you're going to hear. You see, you see images
of women crying and in pain and all these things.
It's never anything a positive experience until after the baby
is born. Like you don't we don't see birth associated
with pleasure. We don't see birth associated with feeling empowered.
And I felt I felt adequate in my body before,

(40:58):
you know, even before going into the hospit. But those
two days after, yo, I was like, oh no, no, no, no,
I'm broken. I felt like I just felt like a
like a push, like a pin, like a a pincushion.
I like, people come in and out the hospital, popping
your legs open, push probing you, putting things to, connecting

(41:18):
things to you, waking you up, giving you medicine. You
didn't even know what it was that you didn't asked for,
making you go to the bathroom like you Like I,
if I didn't know better, I would be like, this
is the opposite of a of a of a come,
of a rite of passage. This is trying to break me.
And when I went home even I was just like
even with the baby, like I wanted to breastfeed and

(41:40):
she would just it was just it felt overwhelming, like
everyone was taking from me and I wasn't even human anymore.
And nobody talks about that. And you know, to the
point where I just talked about my baby daddy asking
me for some head and I literally felt like that
was the bottom. I was like, oh my god, I've
fucked myself. Everyone expects me and I didn't have anything

(42:01):
to give after something so incredibly life changing, and it
felt draining at the time. And luckily I had the
tools to kind of like rebuild myself up and even
if it was a slow process, and you know, for us,
it took us like starting this podcast, you know, I
felt like like I felt myself wither away slowly, like
everybody was taking for me. And I feel like a

(42:21):
lot of moms feel that, you know, like if you're
you know, running a household and being a wife and
you're being a mother, and you have all these expectations,
because God forbid, you don't suck dick and make dinner
by eight, you're a terrible human being. You know. It's like,
we there's so much pressure put on us to deliver
in a certain, you know, pretty little box, and it's
just not realistic. And I just I hope if anyone's
listening to this and they're pregnant or they just gave

(42:43):
birth and they're feeling alone and they're feeling like why
do I feel this way? And everybody on the internet
is smiling, looking happy as fuck. It's a lie. Okay,
everybody goes through this. Motherhood is not some easy transition
and a lot of times you will feel high and
you will feel low, and that is normal. And I
think there's a lot of guilt associated with feeling low

(43:05):
because you're like, I just gave births to this beautiful bay,
supposed to be happy and grateful, and it's like, no,
you're a human, bitch, and that shit is a lot.
It's some alien like shit that takes place, and it's
and you know, even if you've done it multiple times,
it's still huge. It's a huge. Not a setback, but
it's a huge shift. And so honor that and give

(43:26):
yourself grace and in space to feel multiple ways at
one time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
And this is as you know, for mothers that have
already that have had multiple children, or if you're just
becoming a mom, like, this is where you this is
where the boundaries come in. This is where you tell
your partner, no, not today. And I really hope that
we can encourage more men to do more research around motherhood.

(43:54):
I want to encourage men to read this book.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
Give this to the new dads too, so that you.

Speaker 1 (43:59):
Know how to support your partner so that you know
what questions to ask, so you know what the signs
to look out for, and postpartum where you're like, why
is my partner such a bitch? Why is she not
want to have sex with me anymore? Like it's been
a year, Like get over it, you know, Like these
are things. There's a lot of things in here that

(44:20):
I didn't know how to vocalize at the time. I
did not know how to tell my partner certain things.
I didn't know why I felt certain things because I
thought I was supposed to be happy, you know, And
and now looking back, I obviously have more tools now
to express this. But it's just it's a beautiful, terrifying, exhilarating,

(44:47):
life changing experience, is what motherhood is. And there's a
lot of glory in it.

Speaker 2 (44:54):
But there is a lot of sadness sometimes, you know,
and it does get better, It does get better. And
you know, I think sometimes people, you know, look at
our podcast or look at moms talking badly and I
put them putting air quotes out about their kid or

(45:14):
or the even you know, we had Jessica Rose on
the show months ago and she was saying how she
regrets motherhood. That she doesn't regret. She regrets the role,
the role that.

Speaker 1 (45:24):
She's had to play in another hood, like this unexpected
role that she as a woman has to play as
a mom. And I think so many women resonate with that,
but feel horrible for saying.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
That out loud. The anxiety that automatically comes that is
inherited when you give birth. There's an anxiety that doesn't
that exists that no longer, that didn't exist before. You're
constantly worried about this other person and if you're doing
a good enough job, and if they're getting what they need,
and like even in the early stages of motherhood is like,
oh my god, am I going to drop her and
she's gonna die? Like these are regular thoughts. It's like

(45:57):
almost preparing you to catch her if she falls. But
it's there's no aftercare for moms that enter into this
new phase of their life. Everything is poured into the child,
the baby shower. You get tons and tons of shit
for this baby. The mom gets nothing. This is for
the mom. This book, this book that we wrote for real,

(46:18):
This book is for the mom. This is for the
pregnant mom. This is for the I'm thinking about maybe
being a mom. This is for the I'm not having
any more kids mom. This is for the I'm getting
a divorce mom. This is for the married mom who
feels alone. Like literally, A lot of mom books are
basic and they tell you about how to care for
your kid, but a lot of them don't tell you
how to care for yourself. So if you're looking for

(46:40):
a place to feel normal and whatever transition you're going
in going through in motherhood or in womanhood, rather, this
book is for you. This book is to say, drop
all that shit and here's how you tap into yourself.
You're welcome. Did you pull a card? I did? I

(47:02):
don't know what this one means. It's a five of
swords and there's a man facing the other way. There's
a man facing the ocean that looks like a bay
or an ocean. They're all facing away except this one
man with his three swords looks like he's one. But

(47:22):
I don't know. Oh no, I don't like it. I
don't like it. Canys pick another one? No, you can't.
This is not for us. This is for somebody listening.
This is for someone listening. I don't resonate with this
The Five of Swords turns up when you have had
a falling out, disagreement, or conflict, and you're walking away

(47:44):
with a sense of sadness or loss. You may be
upset and resentful over the heated words you said and
now wish you could take back bad blood, and a
generally ickiness hang general general ickiness hangover as you, over you,
as you are reallyations have turned sour. Even if you won't,
won't if you wow, can ive you a wall? If

(48:06):
you want wall, won't give it to me? Give it
to me like I couldn't. I can help that. Even
if you wanted the argument or came out of the
apparent victor, you realize that you have lost as much
or more than your opponent. This battle has cost you trust, respect,
or dignity, and isolated you. As you try to pick

(48:27):
up the pieces and set the conflict behind you, you
find it's more difficult than you thought. Others have lost
faith in you and are keeping their distance. You will
need to decide whether your point of view is so
important to you that you're willing to put your relationship
in jeopardy, or if you can compromise and see ey
to eye. Sometimes you don't need to compromise. I mean,
this obviously is saying that maybe you went too hard,

(48:49):
but you know, maybe it's maybe it's about the judgment
of yourself. M you know, like really like you've you've
betrayed yourself in ways. That's kind of like what I'm
getting from it. Not necessarily, you know, outwardly, but inwardly.
Choosing your battles wisely and in much way of the

(49:11):
battles wisely is a much better way of life than
engaging in every disagreement. Not only will it lead you
to more peaceful existence, but your interpersonal relationships are likely
to come out stronger. I mean, I think sometimes it's
like we pick ourselves apart. You know, everything is like, oh,
you said the wrong thing, and I do this like
you did the wrong thing, You're not doing it enough,
Like that inner voice is harsh and sometimes it's just

(49:33):
not that serious. Like you know, we fuck up. You
know we say this a lot, but beating yourself up
after the fuck up extensively is really not It doesn't
really shift anything or change or make anything better except
make you feel worse, and it's harder to get past
it and too the next point, so you know, I

(49:55):
think in motherhood is one of those things we're constantly
picking ourselves apart and how could we deliver, how could
we show up? And if you fucking got to the
soccer game, and like I spoil my kid just out
of just out of pure I don't want to traumatize you.
And I can like like she's throwing a fit. She
wants ramen and or sushi, and it's fucking like I'm like, fine,
fuck it, I'm gonna give you a sushi. Like you're

(50:16):
such a brat, Like okay, but it's just like sometime
like you're doing a good job. You're a human. Pick
the battles that you choose with yourself, you know, like
love yourself, love on yourself like so much so then
other people will know how to love on you and
pick your battles wisely. Even when it comes to you,
stop obsessing over things that you cannot change. Boo. You

(50:38):
can't change some shit and sometimes you're not supposed to
change them. You're supposed to shift and be a different person.
And that doesn't mean that you beat yourself up over them.

Speaker 1 (50:48):
And even if it's even if it's not the battles
with you, it's so it sounds like this card too,
is like how do you react to certain things? Like
I think about my relationship with even like my mom
for example, and how it's it's shifted.

Speaker 2 (51:00):
Over the years.

Speaker 1 (51:01):
Like, yes, there's times in which I can you know,
moms where they know how to they know how to
trigger the fuck out of you, okay.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
And they know how to do it.

Speaker 1 (51:09):
And I was telling this, I was having this conversation
the other day and I was saying, God, you know,
like I look at my daughter and there's some there's
certain times, a lot of times where I'm just like,
I don't want to say mean to her, but like
I'm just like, this is what it is like because
I said, so, that's why, you know, and I don't
think that that idea and that energy always just changes

(51:31):
as your child grows up. And I think a lot
of times adult keep, adult kids and adult parents that
dynamic still exists where that parent doesn't really give a
fuck what they're what they're saying to you because they're
your mom and they're going to tell you how the
fuck it is, and doesn't they don't really give a
fuck about your feelings. Kind of like what we do
with our kids, like, this is what it is. I'm
telling you this because if I don't tell you, someone else.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Is going to tell you, you know.

Speaker 1 (51:54):
And my reaction used to be combative all the time.
And you know, me and my mom had this disagreement
the other day. It wasn't even a disagreement.

Speaker 2 (52:04):
It was just like she said something that made me
have mom guilt and go. We were in Mexico.

Speaker 1 (52:10):
No oh no, no, she said that maybe had mom
like she said like she was going to take Iri home.
And we just got back from Mexico and I was
home for one day and then my room was coming
over and she was like, I'll take with Iri too,
I'll take Iri.

Speaker 2 (52:31):
Do you want to take Iri? Do you want me to
take Iri tonight? And I'll take her to school since
he's coming. You haven't seen each each other in a
long time. And I was like, okay, cool. So then
we went to dinner and we were eating and then
we're about to leave, and then she was like, you,
you know, you've been gone a lot. You've been gone
a lot, you were gone, you just were back and
now like basically saying like maybe you should take her,

(52:52):
Maybe you should take her. But I was like you're
the one who even brought disgusted this. You know.

Speaker 1 (52:57):
Oh, I know why because Iri had to sleep over
the night before her friend's house. So I had had
her for one night and then she went and had
to sleep over at her friend's house and then my
mom was going.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
To take her. So I was just like, don't do that. Okay. Well,
and so then I said I or do you want
to come home with me? And she was like yeah,
and I was like cool. So I just came home
and she's like is she coming with me? And I
was like no, No. She was like why and I
was like it's fine, We're just gonna go home. But
there any other time I'd be like, well, this is why.
And then we got on. Then she texted me later
like what what happened? Ah, and I was like, well, honestly,

(53:30):
my mom guilt creeped in because of the comment that
you made, you know, And so I decided to pivot,
and she was like I could tell she wanted to
like kind of like go back and forth with me
about it, and I just like kept kept it as
you know what, Mom, It's fine, it's all good.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
I figured it out, Like I didn't really appreciate that
since she offered to take her. But it's cool.

Speaker 2 (53:54):
We figured it out. And that was hard for me
because I really wanted to say, like, what was the
what was the purpose of this? You just wanted to
hurt my feelings? Like do you just want to hurt
my feelings? Or you just had this feeling and you
just couldn't shut the fuck up, so you just felt
the need to say it, you know. And and and
that's what it is.

Speaker 1 (54:11):
A lot of times moms, not just my mom, I'm
a mom as well, we just want to say what
the fuck we want to say.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
We don't want to shut the fuck up because we're
the parent, you know.

Speaker 1 (54:21):
And I have to remember that in these moments when
I re grows up, like trying to remember how this
makes me feel and to not.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
Do that do that you know, yeah, yeah, my mom
does that a lot. And you know, it's interesting, I
think even in motherhood, you know, like happy birthday, you're
an eight year old mom today, thank you. You know,
eight years is not that long in the game, but
there it takes. There's like a great there's a period
that it to get confident in it and to really

(54:50):
like be like, hey, that wasn't cool, like even to
your own mom, you know, and like even set boundaries
with your own mom and you know, and with your
kid and with other people, and there takes a time
we're like, damn, do I even know what I'm doing?
I should just blindly take this advice and then feel
guilty or harbor this guilt because my mom said this,
you know, or my grandmother said this, or this person
said this, and it's just like a part of this,

(55:12):
a part of this work as mom's is also shifting
the things that you didn't appreciate or didn't contribute positively
to you as you were growing up. And you know,
I'm you know, I'm going through some shit with my
mom right now. And it's just like I've had to
create a lot of boundaries and feeling bad about it
in ways like it's it is your mom, and it's

(55:33):
someone who's raised you and they fed you and they
cared for you. And it's just like even like we're
all human and moms, I've really recognized how much I've
had to be the mom, be the parent to my parents.
Like you guys are immature, Wow, Like are you in
high school? And it's like maybe still meant like emotionally,
spiritually they may be, and it's just like it's it's

(55:55):
this again, standing in who you are and what you're
doing and recognizing that sometimes if you being the bigger person,
is just being like okay, cool, all right, or like
you know what, like she's not coming over there anymore.
You're doing stuff that I don't do in my household.
And I love you, and you know we love you,
but this is where we're going to pivot. This is

(56:16):
where this shit's going to shift, because you did this
to me, and you're not about to do this to
my kid, and you're not going to continue to do
this to me. So and you know, there's even guilt
in that.

Speaker 1 (56:25):
You know, absolutely, And I think about I was thinking
about this situation actually today and I was like, she
didn't even apologize after I told her, like what you
said like hurt my feelings and clearly totally shifted what
was the plan even though you offered the plan? And
I thought to myself, God, like that has been a
theme in my relationship with my mom, is her lack

(56:47):
of apologies because she's not sorry, you know, and like
she's not gonna apologize if she doesn't think she's sorry.
And I'm the child, you know, whether or not I'm
in my thirties or not.

Speaker 2 (56:59):
And I think.

Speaker 1 (57:00):
About, you know, my daughter, and I'm just like man,
I am making a vow to myself that even when
I am not sorry, if I see that my daughter
was hurt by something, I will try to do my
best to at least to acknowledge it. You know what,
you know, it's not always going to be perfect.

Speaker 2 (57:19):
And this is not a slight to my mother. She
has been a great mother.

Speaker 1 (57:22):
And I think that because I have shared my experiences
in my childhood and like some of them have been
difficult for me and my relationship with my with my
father and and and even my relationship with her, she
has this kind of blanketed and like blanketed vision or

(57:43):
perception that I think my childhood was shitty and which
is not the truth. Did I have shitty moments in
my childhood?

Speaker 2 (57:51):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (57:51):
Are there things that affected me in my childhood? Yes,
that is life, That is any person's experience. Everybody's going
to have trump. But we take motherhood, our mothering so personal,
and I and I get it. And I'm only at
the I'm only an eight year old mother. I only
know as much as I know, so I can. I'm
only in the very beginning of this journey, and she's
much wiser than me, so she understands more than I do.
But I think about just like just being able to acknowledge,

(58:18):
being able to acknowledge when you've hurt your child, whether
or not you mentor or not, and being able to
at least have the conversation about it and not sweep
it under the rug and just say, Okay.

Speaker 2 (58:30):
I'm the adult, the I'm the parent. But honestly, Erica,
the truth is is like and to a lot of
you listening too, is that for a lot of us,
we have we have consciously evolved emotionally much more than
our parents have. I think, you know, we're in a
different time. We have access to a lot of there's

(58:52):
a lot of mental health comparing, a lot more information.

Speaker 1 (58:54):
You have so much more so, many more options and
perspectives to choose and pick from.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
And and you know, some people take it, some people don't.
I'm not saying we're perfect different like mom, like, no,
you know, and you know and Mom, you know a
lot more than me, you do. I acknowledge that, But
it's also just about even in it, like I've had
to be soft with my mom in times like I
wanted to be like bitch, bitch, you know, and like

(59:20):
me and my mom have had like a very up
and down relationship, and you know, like I don't want
to be like cursing my mom out and I don't
want to be cursed out by my mom. That's not
what I expire aspire for. But you know, a part
of it is just recognizing, like in ways that she
hasn't developed, like emotionally, and it's harder for her to
say sorry. She's come from parents who probably didn't apologize,

(59:40):
and she hasn't had to do a lot of apologizing.
And so even for me, like apologizing is not my
strong point. And so I understand her in ways, and
I but I also understand that we are living in
a space where we're constantly evaluating ourselves and constantly trying
to show up as better versions of ourselves, even if
we're not, you know, hitting all the points all the time.

(01:00:04):
Because a bitch can go off the go off, you know,
but it is it is very well possible that you,
as the child, can be the shift, even if it's gentle,
just gentle. They hear it, they hear, they see, they feel.
She knows, she knows she did it, she knows what
she did. She And I think sometimes when you're not
competitive and you're not snapping back and you they start

(01:00:25):
to notice that you are reacting differently, then they don't
have a choice but to also follow. The narrative is
that I'm overly sensitive.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
That's always been the that's always been the go to
whenever I have a problem.

Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
You're, oh, you're so sensitive, you're sensitive. Yeah, you birth
the sensitive child, like you did, and so now you
have to deal with it, and now you have to
figure out how to parent me the sensitive child, you know,
And I think as parents, as parents, we often don't.
We're like, I don't want to deal with that. We'll
figure it out, We'll like, stop being so sensitive, Like

(01:00:58):
that's just not within my that's not who I am.
I'm a sensitive person. I feel a lot of things,
and I am considerate.

Speaker 1 (01:01:05):
I don't ever want to feel like I'm a burden
to anyone. That's Oh, it's been extremely challenging for me
to ask for help.

Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
It's been extremely challenging me for to ask for help,
even for my family.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
And and it's just like, you know, knowing these things,
it's like sometimes I feel sometimes I feel like they're
used against me in ways they are.

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
And instead of just saying okay, I don't really understand
where that wasn't my intention, Like I would have even
accepted that, like, hey, that way, that wasn't my intention
if that's if that's how you felt, I'm sorry that
really wasn't. I just wanted you to acknowledge that you've
been gone a lot and it seems like I wants
to go home with you tonight. Done. It's simple as that,

(01:01:53):
I'm not really looking for, like I'm so sorry, Erica,
Like you know, I like and to be coddled. That's
not really that's not I know, that's not what I'm
gonna get, you know. So I don't know. I just
it's a reminder to me as a parent too, to
check myself, to check myself now, because these are when
habits are made. How you parent your child now is

(01:02:14):
ultimately they're creating habits for how you're going to parent
them as an adult as well. And when your kid
is grown and.

Speaker 1 (01:02:21):
Doesn't want to fuck with you because now she doesn't
have to you can't be mad, you know, And I'm
not even I'm not I'm always gonna fuck with my mom.
That's not even, that's not that this is not that
serious at all. But I'm just saying for the mom,
for the parents that are listening that maybe have older
children that are don't fuck with them, or you know,
or you are that kid like these these are the
reasons why. It's because we get into these habits of

(01:02:44):
how we treat our children as kids, and then we
don't grow from that, our motherhood doesn't grow.

Speaker 2 (01:02:50):
I mean, and let's face it, like it's easier to
take out things than the people that are closest to absolutely,
so you're comfortable doing that. You know they're always going
to leve you and they're not gonna We're not going
to stop being friends with you. They can't. They could,
They could, They could, they could, it could and they do.
But yeah, but you know, it takes a lot more though.
It takes a lot more to cut off you know,
a parent or whatever. So yeah, healing, healing, healing in motherhood.

Speaker 1 (01:03:19):
Well, anyway, guys, I love you. I thank you for
tuning in to this episode. Thank you in advance for
purchasing a Good Mom's Guide to Making Bad Choices, now
available everywhere on audible too. If you like listening to
the sound of our voice, then you can also listen
to the sound of our voice narrate our book, which
I think is really it's special.

Speaker 2 (01:03:40):
Yeah, we do. We did our thing. We put our
a little little.

Speaker 1 (01:03:43):
Spice on it named when I'm boring ass audibles that
you hear and if again. If you're in the New
York City area, we are coming to City Winery on
May fifth, so come out, come up with your girls.
It's a Confessions of a Good Mom tour. So we
are confessing a lot. We want you you to confess
a lot, so make sure you call our hotline. We

(01:04:03):
have a special Voice of Special hotline where you can
confess anything like anything. It could be that you don't
fuck with.

Speaker 2 (01:04:12):
Your husband, or that your husband's dick is terrible, or
that you know you did something nasty this weekend. That's right,
you can die listen at eight one, eight, two, one three,
twelve eighty seven and confess and we might just share
your confession at the show and it can be anonymous.
Just don't say your name. Also, we have a show

(01:04:32):
in DC coming up on May twenty first, and in
No Philly on May twenty fifth, and we are really
excited to connect with our people again. We had a
lot of fun in both of those cities. You know,
Philly is my hometown, so I look forward to, you know,
coming back through and saying hi to my peoples and
having a good, jolly old time. So it make sure

(01:04:54):
you click the episode description for all this information and
we'll see you next week. Bye. I'm not solo record.

(01:05:28):
Las