May 27, 2025 • 30 mins
In this episode of The Mariah Effect, I’m sharing a really personal look at my mental health journey and what it looked like to show up for others while quietly struggling myself. Over the years, I have worked in a lot of different mental health settings, from crisis centers to sober living homes. Each role taught me something different about empathy, boundaries, and the weight of carrying other people's pain.
But the truth is, I was not always taking care of myself in the process. I found myself giving advice I was not following, offering tools I had not fully embraced, and pushing through while silently unraveling.
In this episode, I reflect on what it took to finally start prioritizing my own healing. I talk about the importance of therapy, how hard but necessary it is to ask for help, and how self care became a lifeline rather than a luxury to me. If you have ever felt overwhelmed, exhausted, or like you had to be the strong one to support everyone else (even when you’re struggling yourself), this episode is for you.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-mariah-effect--5832015/support.
But the truth is, I was not always taking care of myself in the process. I found myself giving advice I was not following, offering tools I had not fully embraced, and pushing through while silently unraveling.
In this episode, I reflect on what it took to finally start prioritizing my own healing. I talk about the importance of therapy, how hard but necessary it is to ask for help, and how self care became a lifeline rather than a luxury to me. If you have ever felt overwhelmed, exhausted, or like you had to be the strong one to support everyone else (even when you’re struggling yourself), this episode is for you.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-mariah-effect--5832015/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Hey, everybody, Welcome to the Mariah Feck Podcast. I'm Mariah.
Let's dive in. I am so excited to talk about
this today. I feel like I have been kind of
wanting to tackle the subject and I didn't know how
to really approach it. And I still don't know if
this is the right way to approach it necessarily, but
(00:48):
I'm going to do my best and I'm going to try.
But in this is going to be airing at the
end of the month of May, and so I really
wanted to try and tackle and talk about mental health.
This month is Mental Health Awareness Month. And being in
the position that I'm in where I have been working
(01:11):
within the mental health field for a couple of years.
I think since twenty maybe twenty nineteen, I've been working
or trying to work within the field of mental health.
And it kind of started by accident a little bit.
I started working with the DARE program in California, working
(01:32):
and doing like trying to get people to donate to
the DARE program, which started to include mental health awareness
and suicide prevention and things of that nature. And so
that's kind of how I got into it. And then
I worked in Sober Living program or sober living, and
then I also worked at a mental health like a
(01:53):
crisis center here in Utah, so I've worked within that realm.
I think Belief Statements has been very mental health like focused,
at least in terms for women specifically, and I really
feel like feel like that's something that I know quite
a lot about and something that I am really passionate about.
(02:16):
And even though that my pathway is kind of shifting
away from it just a little bit, I think it's
all with the intention of helping people, and so I
have a lot to say about the topic. And I
also have my own experience with mental health struggles, and
I feel like a lot of the people around me
definitely have had their about of mental health issues. It's
(02:38):
just something that is inescapable, especially today, especially within the
world that we live in and the crazy changes and
the the just position that we're in. So I really
want to try and tackle this today and talk about
all of those things that I've mentioned. If you are
not interested in hearing about these things, if you don't
(03:01):
have interest in talking about mental health or don't want
to hear about mental health, then this is not the
episode for you. But these are not always the topics
that we're talking about, So do not like totally write
off the podcast, but anyway, with that in mind, let's
dive in. One of the things that I've had to
deal with with having cancer and kind of having a
(03:25):
lot of old memories resurfaced for me is that I
definitely had been kind of surviving my whole life instead
of trying to live my life. And so it just
really took a long time to recognize and to see
for myself that I really really really just kind of
(03:47):
shoved everything that was bothering me, everything that was difficult
for me to the side, and kept pushing forward. And
what ends up happening when you do something like that
is it comes back to pretty hard in the ass
and things that you didn't realize about yourself, or ways
that you reacted to things before or not how you
(04:08):
react to them now. And what I was what was
happening is I started having these panic attacks that kind
of took it. It was really difficult for me to
be able to move through life because I kept having
these reminders of the past that I hadn't thought about
(04:29):
in years. And so when that started happening, Hillerie, my
best friend, she kind of like forced me to go
to therapy to talk about those issues. And when she
did that, I was having a hard time with it
a little bit because I have so much that I
wanted to talk about, but also so much that I
(04:51):
kind of it was overwhelming because it was so much
that needed to be said to even be able to
start working on things, because it felt like I had
to tell my my whole life to be able for
them to understand what they needed to understand to help me,
and that just felt daunting and overwhelming. And so when
I started doing therapy and started working through things, I
(05:12):
was very skeptical. I was really caged in. And the
thing is is that when I started working in therapy,
my therapist was very consistently saying, Hey, be nice to
my friend Mariah, and you know, be kind to yourself,
like we need to work on you caring about yourself more.
And I was like, how am I supposed to do that? Like,
(05:34):
you're not giving me the tools to be able to
do that. It's something that I want to do, it's
a way that I want to be, but I don't
know how to do that. I don't know how to
navigate that. And I also was getting frustrated because I
felt like, you go to therapy to work on your problems,
and in my mind, it was like he was telling
me I was perfect and I was doing great, and
(05:57):
I was, you know, there was nothing wrong with the
way that I was doing things, like It's just I
needed to be kinder to myself. And I was like, no,
I want to work like I'm here to do work
on myself, and so I must be doing something wrong.
It must be an action that I'm doing that is
causing me to be so like ridiculous, Like I felt,
it was like ridiculous that I couldn't get myself together
(06:20):
to just like do everyday things, and so I was
being really hard on myself. And it took kind of
going through this whole journey to recognize that and to
finally get to a place where like I do care
about myself, I do love myself. But it took me
like having to remind myself every day of those things.
And so my journey with therapy and anxiety and panic
(06:42):
attacks and everything like, that whole thing was a result
of a lot of trauma that I like buried and
pushed to the side. So it took a lot of
work to get there, and was work in a way
that I didn't think that I needed to. Like, it
didn't feel like work. It felt like repetition, It felt
like things that weren't going to help. But the more
(07:05):
I did it, the more I talk to myself, the
more I did like affirmations for myself, the more that
I started to carry myself in a way that said
I do care about myself, it started to kind of
break through that very stubborn head that I have. And
I really it's it's so interesting too, because I spent,
(07:26):
like I said, all of these years working within that
field where I'm the person that was like peer support
and you know, trying to help other people with their
own mental health struggles that I couldn't even like see
it for myself. I couldn't take my own advice. And
so it's so interesting how that works. When like somebody
(07:47):
else is drowning, you're jumping in to try and help
them and save them, and then when you're drowning, you're
like this is fine, Like I'm okay, it is what
it is. And it's just such a weird feeling, such
a weird experience to have. But with that, I do
want to dive in and talk about those different jobs,
(08:07):
because I feel like within those different places that I worked,
each one held kind of a different place within the
mental health world. And I want to talk about like
what each of those things were doing to help and
how I feel like those things could be changed. It
just did, you know, that sort of a thing. So
when I worked with the DARE program, I feel like
(08:27):
that was mostly just trying to get people to donate
to the DARE program so that it would have more resources,
so that it could go to more schools, like that
sort of thing. And so when I was working there,
it was really hard for me to ask people for
money for sure. For sure, and when I started to
get sicker, I started working in the office as HR
(08:49):
and getting people to join up and you know, fundraise,
and when I was working there, a lot of the
stuff that I was going through and talking about most
of the people that were donating and like actually making
a difference with people who had gone through the DARE
program when they were kids and felt like it didn't
work for them in terms of like anti drug and
(09:09):
so the spin on it to get people to like
actually listen was to let them know, like it is
for mental health awareness. Now it is included in you know,
suicide prevention, and there are so many people that would
stop by and be like, my brother committed suicide or
oh my, you know, mom, she has schizophrenia, stuff like that,
(09:32):
and they would actually stop and listen, and then they
would end up donating. And sometimes it was five dollars,
sometimes it was two hundred dollars. It was a big
array of differences in how much they would donate, and
it didn't really matter. I felt like every time I
was able to get a donation, I felt like I
was making that much of a difference. And the only
(09:55):
thing that I had hard time with was with that
job was it was commission based, and so it made
it feel like that money to me, like in my brain,
it felt like that money wasn't going to the DARE program.
After a while, it felt like it was like going
to me. And I didn't like that feeling. It felt strange,
it felt weird, and so it was really hard for
(10:15):
me to do that. And so when I went into
the HR trying to get people to sign up for it,
it was also difficult for me. And a little thing
called COVID came in and like took me out of
that job, so I had to look for something else,
and kind of near the end of COVID, I was
like looking at jobs and I was terrified to work
(10:36):
in an environment that that would be unsafe. Like I
couldn't really convince myself to work in food anymore, which
is what I did in the past. I couldn't really
get the courage to work at a place where I
would be doing a job that I'd never done before,
not that I had worked and so we're living before.
But I was like really like receptionists and things like that,
(11:00):
things I know how to do, but like I just
didn't want to be so much around people that were
out and about and so I don't really remember how
I got into it. I think I started looking for
mental health programs and stuff like that, and I kind
of stumbled across Cosabela, which is what I was where
(11:20):
I worked, and I just submitted an application and I
did did I think two interviews or something like that
for it, and everything just went really smoothly. I talked
about my own relationship with people in my life that
had been alcoholics, and it really just gave them a
little bit more interest in me joining up and I
joined in and I started looking into becoming more certified
(11:44):
in that field. And when I started working with the
girls that were at them, it was kind of like
a mix of mental health issues that were in the
house and then addicts in the house that I worked
in primarily in the beginning, and it was just so
interesting because I felt like mental health was something that
you had to kind of like like a therapist had
(12:06):
to be like gentle and kind and like easy and
you know, sweet, and in the like sober living field,
it's very much like this is what you gotta do.
You gotta do what you gotta do. There's no if
and buts about it, Like you kind of have to
be a little bit more strict and a little bit
more hard. And I am very non confrontational person, so
(12:30):
at first it was really difficult, but after a while
it was actually really nice to just be so blunt
and honest with these girls about what they needed to
do and how they had to be. And I think
there were a couple of times where there were just
girls that had struggled with mental health their entire life
and had been through like horrible, awful things, and they
(12:53):
just were so funny they were so interesting. They had
like so many things that they would say that just
like really took me back. And I worked the overnight shift,
so I didn't even get to spend that much time
with any of them. I was kind of the person
that was like, hey, you're late for curfew, what the heck?
(13:14):
But it was an interesting experience. There were a lot
of highs and lows that I had while I was
working there, But the main thing that I struggled with
was when they would be struggling. Because the whole point
of me working there was that I wanted to make
(13:34):
a difference so that I wanted to help these people
and I had all the tools that were provided for
me to try and help them through crisis, and I
think I did a pretty good job whenever it came up.
But every time it came up, I would help them
through the crisis, or I would at least help them
calm down to where they could go to sleep or
(13:55):
they could go about their day or whatever. But it
was really hard because I realized and recognized that I'm
so empathetic that I started to take on their struggles
and everything onto myself. And there are many times when
the girls would be suicidal. There was a lot of
times when they were having issues with their identity, and
(14:19):
a lot of it was kind of putting me in
a position where I was like, I feel like this
is the best path, but I can't tell them that
because I'm not a therapist. I'm just here to listen
and to kind of help them reframe into a state
of being where they can go to sleep, or trying
to get them to a place where they can talk
(14:39):
about it with their therapist or with somebody who was
more qualified than I was. And it just made me
feel like I was just kind of a I don't know,
like a friend, like a hired friend sometimes, but even
that I had, I couldn't give advice. I couldn't give
like pointers on what they were supposed to do. But
with a friend, I would tell friend like, this is
(15:01):
what I think you should do, or hey, this is
how I feel about you, and helping them to get
back on track. I mean, there were a lot of
times when somebody that was in my life was struggling
with suicide, like suicidal thoughts or really horrible, awful depression,
and it just took listening to them and then giving
(15:22):
them the ability to either come to a decision on
their own or helping them to understand their value to
at least me, and that giving them the little bit
of like, Okay, at least I have this person who
thinks this way about me, and I know that they
wouldn't lie to me, like getting on that train of thought.
(15:45):
But I couldn't really even do that with these girls
because our relationship was very like a structured relationship, and
so I couldn't be like, well, you mean so much
to me, because that's inappropriate, but like I had, it
had to be kind of like more along the lines of,
let's think about some of the people in your life
that are important to you. How important do you think
(16:07):
that you are to them? Because if you think it's zero,
then I'm sorry to tell you, but I don't think
that that's true. I'm like kind of going on that
frame of thought. And it just was really difficult for
me to like to do because it was so exhausting
for me emotionally. But it was also sometimes for not
(16:28):
for nothing, I don't want to say it like that,
but it would result in like repeats of like the
same kind of cycle. And there were girls that were
there trying to stay sober that would slip up and
be really hard on themselves, and it just caused them
to continuously slip up. And that was also really hard
because I felt like I'm supposed to be here to
(16:49):
help them, and I don't think that I've helped. And
it took me kind of going back and thinking about it,
learning more things about addiction to really come to the
understanding that they were making their own choices and it
had nothing to do with anybody, Like they were going
to do what they were going to do no matter what,
and they would have found a way. And it's also
(17:10):
hard to think that way, but it's the same kind
of idea of like suicide if they like I feel
like when something like that happens, you continuously are like
what if I had said this to them, or what
if I had done this? Or why didn't they talk
to me about this? It's like they were going to
do what they were going to do, and regardless of
(17:31):
what you said, they were certain that they were going
to do that. And we can't change the past. We
can't change things because it's done. It's over and done
with and so it's really harsh, but it's true. All
you can do is what you can do, and so
I think working there taught me a lot about boundaries.
(17:53):
It taught me a lot about, you know, the way
that other people think, and gave me a lot more
experience with mental health issues then I think I ever
have in my life, and it started helping me to
recognize those issues in people around me that I just
was like, Oh, so they just don't care about anybody
but themselves, And the reality is that they have issues,
(18:16):
Like they have mental health issues that are undiagnosed, and
they are not being given the tools to fix those things.
And so it really helped me to find some compassion
for people in my life that was not there before,
and I really appreciate that from that job. There were
a lot of other things that happened that like really
(18:37):
made it hard for me to work there, one of
which was this guy throwing a workout equipment thing through
the window and almost hit me and getting shoved there. Like,
there were so many things, but I definitely still looking
back and appreciate it because it also taught me about
what I want, like what I can demand from a
(18:59):
job and sending boundaries within the workplace as well. So
it was good and when I left there, it was
not necessarily because I was like, I don't want to
work at this job anymore. It was more along the
lines of like I was moving and so I had
to quit. But I think it was good for me anyway.
I don't think I would have left in any other situation,
Like I don't think I would have left of my
(19:20):
own volition, my own volition, my own I don't know.
I think that's what I was trying to say. But anyway,
when I moved here to Utah. I'm not in Utah
right now, But when I moved to Utah, I started
working with Mallory because she was working at a crisis center,
which was different than the Sober living but along the
same lines of like mental health issues and sometimes addicts,
(19:41):
like kind of a bunch of different people. But the
difference is that I was working with mostly women before
and now I was working with anybody. And when I
was working there, I again was doing the night shift,
so it wasn't a lot of interaction with people. But
I was working at this facility that had people that
stayed for more than one night but less than seven days,
(20:03):
and so they were very temporary. It always changed, it
always shifted and I had to do these rounds, which
I did at the Sober Living place, but I had
to do these rounds where I'd walk around and make
sure that they were sleeping, make sure they were doing
what they needed to or staying in their room, that
they were okay, that they were safe. And that job
was interesting because I feel like it was such a
(20:24):
different array of people and there were people that would
just not stay asleep. I feel like at the Sober
Living it was very rare when people would get up
in the middle of the night, but at this crisis
center people would get up in the middle of night
all the time, like it was rare for nobody to
get up in the middle of night, and they would
want like a snack. We would get them a snack,
(20:46):
they would want to talk, like there was one person
that just would not stop talking to me even though
they needed to go to sleep, and it was a lot.
The thing that I enjoyed about working there is I
learned so much about ways to handle people going through
a crisis and ways to help them with reframing their
(21:10):
situation or utilizing the tools that they're being given, the
resources that they were being given, and it really helped
me with recognizing better ways to handle crisis, like even
within my own life. And I really really appreciate that
from the job because there's just constantly things happening in
my life that are a crisis. And it was really helpful.
(21:32):
And it was a good job for me to have
while I was going through like the beginnings of chemotherapy,
because it's a job that was really not very strenuous.
It's like very laid back, and it gave me a
chance to continue working, utilizing really good healthcare and being
able to focus on things that weren't about me, which
(21:54):
was really good in the beginning because I was really
struggling with the reality that I had been diag with leukemia.
So it gave me a good distraction, i should say,
And it was really helpful because I felt that emotionally,
I was able to focus on that and I didn't
have to focus on my own things, and that at
the time felt really good. So I really appreciated that job.
(22:17):
And it also kind of set me on the path
of wanting to get into social work. I mean, I
started going to school and everything, and I was really
dead set on doing that. I thought that that was
the right path, and it didn't end up being that way,
but it got me to like that, coupled with getting cancer,
got me to actually think about, like what do I
(22:38):
want to do, Like who do I want to be
within this world? And how can I best help people?
And the hardest part about that job was kind of
similar to the sober living and that there were people
that would come back every like two weeks. There would
be people that would be there constantly, and it just
felt like, how in the world can I feel like
(22:59):
we're any sort of difference if there's these people that
just keep coming back and keep coming back and are not,
you know, getting any better. It just made me super sad,
and it made it really hard for me to believe
in these tactics. I guess you could call it that
we were using these tools that we were trying to
give to them. It just made me feel so like
(23:22):
heavy with the weight of our reality in the world,
and that was really difficult. And I started going to
therapy pretty much right after I quit that job to
deal with my health problems, and so that journey took
me to a place where I could finally start seeing
things to help myself, and it made me be so
(23:43):
much better at helping other people in my life. I mean,
Mallory has had a really hard time with mental health.
She has high anxiety, and she is she has depression,
and she's had that since I met her. It's only
been within the last maybe six or seven years that
she's really taken focus to it and tried to utilize
(24:05):
tools and medications to try and get herself to a
place where she is not consistently struggling. But even then
it's still work to try and be able to be
herself all the time. And I think that seeing her
struggle in that way, which is very different from my struggle.
Mine is just a little bit more environmentally based and
(24:26):
hers is a little bit more chemically based, I don't know,
autonomy based, Like it's more about like her natural brain,
and mine's more about what things did to my brain,
if that makes any sense. But so her journey has
been really different than mine, And at some point maybe
(24:47):
I'll have her come on and talk about it if
she wants to. But even Sam, I feel like he's
had a lot of struggles with different mental health issues
and that were totally different than mine, and being able
to be a for him to talk to. Being able
to be a person for Mallory to talk to about
things and actually being able to give quality advice or
(25:07):
quality care to them, even being just a normal person
has been super helpful. And I think it's really good
for people to be able to know different strategies that
are used within therapy, within crisis centers, within sober living facilities,
in the every day, because then giving people those tools,
or at least the starting is what can help them
(25:30):
help themselves, I guess, and I know I'm not the
only person in the world who has ever had friends, family,
any sort of loved ones that come to them with
problems and not knowing how to get through it, or
have witnessed a family member going through a crisis like
a panic attack or a meltdown or anything of that
(25:53):
nature and not knowing how to help them. And one
of the things that I've always been really passionate about
is suicide prevention. And I think that just being more
knowledgeable in those tools, in those ways to help other
people is enough that we can kind of reframe people's
mindset or help people to get back on track. And
(26:17):
all of that is to still say that, like people
are in places that they can't get out of like situations,
whether it's like economically struggling or physically struggling people who
are dealing with like physical illnesses or autoimmune diseases. Like,
it is hard to focus on mental health when you
(26:41):
have so many other things that are contributing to your
declining mental health, and so it's hard to be like, Okay,
let me fix my depression by going through these tactics
and these skills, and then the next day or the
next week or the next year, still struggling because you
are still poor, you are still sick, you are still
(27:03):
without a job, Like those things are still really important
to address too, to try and help with that, But
that's a bigger conversation, and that's a bigger issue to
tackle that is going to take a long time. And
so the important thing right now, at least to me,
(27:24):
is to focus on kind of what you can do
for yourself and what you can do for the other
people within your life, within your bubble, rather than the
entire world. Even though the company I'm working for now
is definitely like big picture, I think that the advice
that I have to give is definitely small bubble important.
(27:48):
If that makes any sort of sense, but I am
going to list all of the resources that I utilize.
I'm going to put all the information that I have
available onto this easy Google doc info sheet and that's
going to be on the website, the dash Maria dash
(28:08):
effects dot com. And for any of the people that
are listening on Patreon, you'll have seen the entire thing.
And so I might include just a little video on
Patreon that is just talking about all of the different techniques.
If you'd like to see that and you're not a
part of the Patreon, join the Patreon. It's the Maria Effect. Yeah,
(28:28):
this is just something that's really important to me and
something I know quite a bit about, and so I
just wanted to do a little bit shorter of an
episode kind of addressing the ways that I've dealt with
mental health and the ways that I have been around
mental health mental health world, to hopefully give some people
some confidence that I know what I'm talking about, and
(28:50):
to also just give some clarity about when I'm talking
about something like why am I talking about it? Or
why am I Why do I know anything about it?
So that's what I wanted to do today. I definitely
struggle with so many different mental health things. I have
been through different bouts of depression. It's not a consistent
thing for me, but it is definitely event based. I
(29:13):
have had a lot of grief in my life, and
because of that, it has caused some other issues. I've
had a lot of trauma and that has caused anxiety
and different levels of like acceptance. And it's a constant struggle.
But I think that growing up around so much of it,
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how
(29:34):
to handle it. And now that I'm an adult, I
do and I am so passionate about helping people and
changing lives. That's really what I want to do. That's
what I feel like I'm here for. So if my
story means anything to you, please follow along with this
journey that I'm on. Please tell me about your own struggles.
(29:56):
If you want advice, you can ask me. If you don't,
you don't have to. If you want to give me advice,
I'm all yours. But all of that you can do
on the Maria Effect dot com, the dash Mariah dash
Effect dot com. And please, yeah, let me know how
you feel, let me know what you think. And I
can't wait to talk about the next thing, see you
(30:18):
next time. Bye,
Hey, everybody, Welcome to the Mariah Feck Podcast. I'm Mariah.
Let's dive in. I am so excited to talk about
this today. I feel like I have been kind of
wanting to tackle the subject and I didn't know how
to really approach it. And I still don't know if
this is the right way to approach it necessarily, but
(00:48):
I'm going to do my best and I'm going to try.
But in this is going to be airing at the
end of the month of May, and so I really
wanted to try and tackle and talk about mental health.
This month is Mental Health Awareness Month. And being in
the position that I'm in where I have been working
(01:11):
within the mental health field for a couple of years.
I think since twenty maybe twenty nineteen, I've been working
or trying to work within the field of mental health.
And it kind of started by accident a little bit.
I started working with the DARE program in California, working
(01:32):
and doing like trying to get people to donate to
the DARE program, which started to include mental health awareness
and suicide prevention and things of that nature. And so
that's kind of how I got into it. And then
I worked in Sober Living program or sober living, and
then I also worked at a mental health like a
(01:53):
crisis center here in Utah, so I've worked within that realm.
I think Belief Statements has been very mental health like focused,
at least in terms for women specifically, and I really
feel like feel like that's something that I know quite
a lot about and something that I am really passionate about.
(02:16):
And even though that my pathway is kind of shifting
away from it just a little bit, I think it's
all with the intention of helping people, and so I
have a lot to say about the topic. And I
also have my own experience with mental health struggles, and
I feel like a lot of the people around me
definitely have had their about of mental health issues. It's
(02:38):
just something that is inescapable, especially today, especially within the
world that we live in and the crazy changes and
the the just position that we're in. So I really
want to try and tackle this today and talk about
all of those things that I've mentioned. If you are
not interested in hearing about these things, if you don't
(03:01):
have interest in talking about mental health or don't want
to hear about mental health, then this is not the
episode for you. But these are not always the topics
that we're talking about, So do not like totally write
off the podcast, but anyway, with that in mind, let's
dive in. One of the things that I've had to
deal with with having cancer and kind of having a
(03:25):
lot of old memories resurfaced for me is that I
definitely had been kind of surviving my whole life instead
of trying to live my life. And so it just
really took a long time to recognize and to see
for myself that I really really really just kind of
(03:47):
shoved everything that was bothering me, everything that was difficult
for me to the side, and kept pushing forward. And
what ends up happening when you do something like that
is it comes back to pretty hard in the ass
and things that you didn't realize about yourself, or ways
that you reacted to things before or not how you
(04:08):
react to them now. And what I was what was
happening is I started having these panic attacks that kind
of took it. It was really difficult for me to
be able to move through life because I kept having
these reminders of the past that I hadn't thought about
(04:29):
in years. And so when that started happening, Hillerie, my
best friend, she kind of like forced me to go
to therapy to talk about those issues. And when she
did that, I was having a hard time with it
a little bit because I have so much that I
wanted to talk about, but also so much that I
(04:51):
kind of it was overwhelming because it was so much
that needed to be said to even be able to
start working on things, because it felt like I had
to tell my my whole life to be able for
them to understand what they needed to understand to help me,
and that just felt daunting and overwhelming. And so when
I started doing therapy and started working through things, I
(05:12):
was very skeptical. I was really caged in. And the
thing is is that when I started working in therapy,
my therapist was very consistently saying, Hey, be nice to
my friend Mariah, and you know, be kind to yourself,
like we need to work on you caring about yourself more.
And I was like, how am I supposed to do that? Like,
(05:34):
you're not giving me the tools to be able to
do that. It's something that I want to do, it's
a way that I want to be, but I don't
know how to do that. I don't know how to
navigate that. And I also was getting frustrated because I
felt like, you go to therapy to work on your problems,
and in my mind, it was like he was telling
me I was perfect and I was doing great, and
(05:57):
I was, you know, there was nothing wrong with the
way that I was doing things, like It's just I
needed to be kinder to myself. And I was like, no,
I want to work like I'm here to do work
on myself, and so I must be doing something wrong.
It must be an action that I'm doing that is
causing me to be so like ridiculous, Like I felt,
it was like ridiculous that I couldn't get myself together
(06:20):
to just like do everyday things, and so I was
being really hard on myself. And it took kind of
going through this whole journey to recognize that and to
finally get to a place where like I do care
about myself, I do love myself. But it took me
like having to remind myself every day of those things.
And so my journey with therapy and anxiety and panic
(06:42):
attacks and everything like, that whole thing was a result
of a lot of trauma that I like buried and
pushed to the side. So it took a lot of
work to get there, and was work in a way
that I didn't think that I needed to. Like, it
didn't feel like work. It felt like repetition, It felt
like things that weren't going to help. But the more
(07:05):
I did it, the more I talk to myself, the
more I did like affirmations for myself, the more that
I started to carry myself in a way that said
I do care about myself, it started to kind of
break through that very stubborn head that I have. And
I really it's it's so interesting too, because I spent,
(07:26):
like I said, all of these years working within that
field where I'm the person that was like peer support
and you know, trying to help other people with their
own mental health struggles that I couldn't even like see
it for myself. I couldn't take my own advice. And
so it's so interesting how that works. When like somebody
(07:47):
else is drowning, you're jumping in to try and help
them and save them, and then when you're drowning, you're
like this is fine, Like I'm okay, it is what
it is. And it's just such a weird feeling, such
a weird experience to have. But with that, I do
want to dive in and talk about those different jobs,
(08:07):
because I feel like within those different places that I worked,
each one held kind of a different place within the
mental health world. And I want to talk about like
what each of those things were doing to help and
how I feel like those things could be changed. It
just did, you know, that sort of a thing. So
when I worked with the DARE program, I feel like
(08:27):
that was mostly just trying to get people to donate
to the DARE program so that it would have more resources,
so that it could go to more schools, like that
sort of thing. And so when I was working there,
it was really hard for me to ask people for
money for sure. For sure, and when I started to
get sicker, I started working in the office as HR
(08:49):
and getting people to join up and you know, fundraise,
and when I was working there, a lot of the
stuff that I was going through and talking about most
of the people that were donating and like actually making
a difference with people who had gone through the DARE
program when they were kids and felt like it didn't
work for them in terms of like anti drug and
(09:09):
so the spin on it to get people to like
actually listen was to let them know, like it is
for mental health awareness. Now it is included in you know,
suicide prevention, and there are so many people that would
stop by and be like, my brother committed suicide or
oh my, you know, mom, she has schizophrenia, stuff like that,
(09:32):
and they would actually stop and listen, and then they
would end up donating. And sometimes it was five dollars,
sometimes it was two hundred dollars. It was a big
array of differences in how much they would donate, and
it didn't really matter. I felt like every time I
was able to get a donation, I felt like I
was making that much of a difference. And the only
(09:55):
thing that I had hard time with was with that
job was it was commission based, and so it made
it feel like that money to me, like in my brain,
it felt like that money wasn't going to the DARE program.
After a while, it felt like it was like going
to me. And I didn't like that feeling. It felt strange,
it felt weird, and so it was really hard for
(10:15):
me to do that. And so when I went into
the HR trying to get people to sign up for it,
it was also difficult for me. And a little thing
called COVID came in and like took me out of
that job, so I had to look for something else,
and kind of near the end of COVID, I was
like looking at jobs and I was terrified to work
(10:36):
in an environment that that would be unsafe. Like I
couldn't really convince myself to work in food anymore, which
is what I did in the past. I couldn't really
get the courage to work at a place where I
would be doing a job that I'd never done before,
not that I had worked and so we're living before.
But I was like really like receptionists and things like that,
(11:00):
things I know how to do, but like I just
didn't want to be so much around people that were
out and about and so I don't really remember how
I got into it. I think I started looking for
mental health programs and stuff like that, and I kind
of stumbled across Cosabela, which is what I was where
(11:20):
I worked, and I just submitted an application and I
did did I think two interviews or something like that
for it, and everything just went really smoothly. I talked
about my own relationship with people in my life that
had been alcoholics, and it really just gave them a
little bit more interest in me joining up and I
joined in and I started looking into becoming more certified
(11:44):
in that field. And when I started working with the
girls that were at them, it was kind of like
a mix of mental health issues that were in the
house and then addicts in the house that I worked
in primarily in the beginning, and it was just so
interesting because I felt like mental health was something that
you had to kind of like like a therapist had
(12:06):
to be like gentle and kind and like easy and
you know, sweet, and in the like sober living field,
it's very much like this is what you gotta do.
You gotta do what you gotta do. There's no if
and buts about it, Like you kind of have to
be a little bit more strict and a little bit
more hard. And I am very non confrontational person, so
(12:30):
at first it was really difficult, but after a while
it was actually really nice to just be so blunt
and honest with these girls about what they needed to
do and how they had to be. And I think
there were a couple of times where there were just
girls that had struggled with mental health their entire life
and had been through like horrible, awful things, and they
(12:53):
just were so funny they were so interesting. They had
like so many things that they would say that just
like really took me back. And I worked the overnight shift,
so I didn't even get to spend that much time
with any of them. I was kind of the person
that was like, hey, you're late for curfew, what the heck?
(13:14):
But it was an interesting experience. There were a lot
of highs and lows that I had while I was
working there, But the main thing that I struggled with
was when they would be struggling. Because the whole point
of me working there was that I wanted to make
(13:34):
a difference so that I wanted to help these people
and I had all the tools that were provided for
me to try and help them through crisis, and I
think I did a pretty good job whenever it came up.
But every time it came up, I would help them
through the crisis, or I would at least help them
calm down to where they could go to sleep or
(13:55):
they could go about their day or whatever. But it
was really hard because I realized and recognized that I'm
so empathetic that I started to take on their struggles
and everything onto myself. And there are many times when
the girls would be suicidal. There was a lot of
times when they were having issues with their identity, and
(14:19):
a lot of it was kind of putting me in
a position where I was like, I feel like this
is the best path, but I can't tell them that
because I'm not a therapist. I'm just here to listen
and to kind of help them reframe into a state
of being where they can go to sleep, or trying
to get them to a place where they can talk
(14:39):
about it with their therapist or with somebody who was
more qualified than I was. And it just made me
feel like I was just kind of a I don't know,
like a friend, like a hired friend sometimes, but even
that I had, I couldn't give advice. I couldn't give
like pointers on what they were supposed to do. But
with a friend, I would tell friend like, this is
(15:01):
what I think you should do, or hey, this is
how I feel about you, and helping them to get
back on track. I mean, there were a lot of
times when somebody that was in my life was struggling
with suicide, like suicidal thoughts or really horrible, awful depression,
and it just took listening to them and then giving
(15:22):
them the ability to either come to a decision on
their own or helping them to understand their value to
at least me, and that giving them the little bit
of like, Okay, at least I have this person who
thinks this way about me, and I know that they
wouldn't lie to me, like getting on that train of thought.
(15:45):
But I couldn't really even do that with these girls
because our relationship was very like a structured relationship, and
so I couldn't be like, well, you mean so much
to me, because that's inappropriate, but like I had, it
had to be kind of like more along the lines of,
let's think about some of the people in your life
that are important to you. How important do you think
(16:07):
that you are to them? Because if you think it's zero,
then I'm sorry to tell you, but I don't think
that that's true. I'm like kind of going on that
frame of thought. And it just was really difficult for
me to like to do because it was so exhausting
for me emotionally. But it was also sometimes for not
(16:28):
for nothing, I don't want to say it like that,
but it would result in like repeats of like the
same kind of cycle. And there were girls that were
there trying to stay sober that would slip up and
be really hard on themselves, and it just caused them
to continuously slip up. And that was also really hard
because I felt like I'm supposed to be here to
(16:49):
help them, and I don't think that I've helped. And
it took me kind of going back and thinking about it,
learning more things about addiction to really come to the
understanding that they were making their own choices and it
had nothing to do with anybody, Like they were going
to do what they were going to do no matter what,
and they would have found a way. And it's also
(17:10):
hard to think that way, but it's the same kind
of idea of like suicide if they like I feel
like when something like that happens, you continuously are like
what if I had said this to them, or what
if I had done this? Or why didn't they talk
to me about this? It's like they were going to
do what they were going to do, and regardless of
(17:31):
what you said, they were certain that they were going
to do that. And we can't change the past. We
can't change things because it's done. It's over and done
with and so it's really harsh, but it's true. All
you can do is what you can do, and so
I think working there taught me a lot about boundaries.
(17:53):
It taught me a lot about, you know, the way
that other people think, and gave me a lot more
experience with mental health issues then I think I ever
have in my life, and it started helping me to
recognize those issues in people around me that I just
was like, Oh, so they just don't care about anybody
but themselves, And the reality is that they have issues,
(18:16):
Like they have mental health issues that are undiagnosed, and
they are not being given the tools to fix those things.
And so it really helped me to find some compassion
for people in my life that was not there before,
and I really appreciate that from that job. There were
a lot of other things that happened that like really
(18:37):
made it hard for me to work there, one of
which was this guy throwing a workout equipment thing through
the window and almost hit me and getting shoved there. Like,
there were so many things, but I definitely still looking
back and appreciate it because it also taught me about
what I want, like what I can demand from a
(18:59):
job and sending boundaries within the workplace as well. So
it was good and when I left there, it was
not necessarily because I was like, I don't want to
work at this job anymore. It was more along the
lines of like I was moving and so I had
to quit. But I think it was good for me anyway.
I don't think I would have left in any other situation,
Like I don't think I would have left of my
(19:20):
own volition, my own volition, my own I don't know.
I think that's what I was trying to say. But anyway,
when I moved here to Utah. I'm not in Utah
right now, But when I moved to Utah, I started
working with Mallory because she was working at a crisis center,
which was different than the Sober living but along the
same lines of like mental health issues and sometimes addicts,
(19:41):
like kind of a bunch of different people. But the
difference is that I was working with mostly women before
and now I was working with anybody. And when I
was working there, I again was doing the night shift,
so it wasn't a lot of interaction with people. But
I was working at this facility that had people that
stayed for more than one night but less than seven days,
(20:03):
and so they were very temporary. It always changed, it
always shifted and I had to do these rounds, which
I did at the Sober Living place, but I had
to do these rounds where I'd walk around and make
sure that they were sleeping, make sure they were doing
what they needed to or staying in their room, that
they were okay, that they were safe. And that job
was interesting because I feel like it was such a
(20:24):
different array of people and there were people that would
just not stay asleep. I feel like at the Sober
Living it was very rare when people would get up
in the middle of the night, but at this crisis
center people would get up in the middle of night
all the time, like it was rare for nobody to
get up in the middle of night, and they would
want like a snack. We would get them a snack,
(20:46):
they would want to talk, like there was one person
that just would not stop talking to me even though
they needed to go to sleep, and it was a lot.
The thing that I enjoyed about working there is I
learned so much about ways to handle people going through
a crisis and ways to help them with reframing their
(21:10):
situation or utilizing the tools that they're being given, the
resources that they were being given, and it really helped
me with recognizing better ways to handle crisis, like even
within my own life. And I really really appreciate that
from the job because there's just constantly things happening in
my life that are a crisis. And it was really helpful.
(21:32):
And it was a good job for me to have
while I was going through like the beginnings of chemotherapy,
because it's a job that was really not very strenuous.
It's like very laid back, and it gave me a
chance to continue working, utilizing really good healthcare and being
able to focus on things that weren't about me, which
(21:54):
was really good in the beginning because I was really
struggling with the reality that I had been diag with leukemia.
So it gave me a good distraction, i should say,
And it was really helpful because I felt that emotionally,
I was able to focus on that and I didn't
have to focus on my own things, and that at
the time felt really good. So I really appreciated that job.
(22:17):
And it also kind of set me on the path
of wanting to get into social work. I mean, I
started going to school and everything, and I was really
dead set on doing that. I thought that that was
the right path, and it didn't end up being that way,
but it got me to like that, coupled with getting cancer,
got me to actually think about, like what do I
(22:38):
want to do, Like who do I want to be
within this world? And how can I best help people?
And the hardest part about that job was kind of
similar to the sober living and that there were people
that would come back every like two weeks. There would
be people that would be there constantly, and it just
felt like, how in the world can I feel like
(22:59):
we're any sort of difference if there's these people that
just keep coming back and keep coming back and are not,
you know, getting any better. It just made me super sad,
and it made it really hard for me to believe
in these tactics. I guess you could call it that
we were using these tools that we were trying to
give to them. It just made me feel so like
(23:22):
heavy with the weight of our reality in the world,
and that was really difficult. And I started going to
therapy pretty much right after I quit that job to
deal with my health problems, and so that journey took
me to a place where I could finally start seeing
things to help myself, and it made me be so
(23:43):
much better at helping other people in my life. I mean,
Mallory has had a really hard time with mental health.
She has high anxiety, and she is she has depression,
and she's had that since I met her. It's only
been within the last maybe six or seven years that
she's really taken focus to it and tried to utilize
(24:05):
tools and medications to try and get herself to a
place where she is not consistently struggling. But even then
it's still work to try and be able to be
herself all the time. And I think that seeing her
struggle in that way, which is very different from my struggle.
Mine is just a little bit more environmentally based and
(24:26):
hers is a little bit more chemically based, I don't know,
autonomy based, Like it's more about like her natural brain,
and mine's more about what things did to my brain,
if that makes any sense. But so her journey has
been really different than mine, And at some point maybe
(24:47):
I'll have her come on and talk about it if
she wants to. But even Sam, I feel like he's
had a lot of struggles with different mental health issues
and that were totally different than mine, and being able
to be a for him to talk to. Being able
to be a person for Mallory to talk to about
things and actually being able to give quality advice or
(25:07):
quality care to them, even being just a normal person
has been super helpful. And I think it's really good
for people to be able to know different strategies that
are used within therapy, within crisis centers, within sober living facilities,
in the every day, because then giving people those tools,
or at least the starting is what can help them
(25:30):
help themselves, I guess, and I know I'm not the
only person in the world who has ever had friends, family,
any sort of loved ones that come to them with
problems and not knowing how to get through it, or
have witnessed a family member going through a crisis like
a panic attack or a meltdown or anything of that
(25:53):
nature and not knowing how to help them. And one
of the things that I've always been really passionate about
is suicide prevention. And I think that just being more
knowledgeable in those tools, in those ways to help other
people is enough that we can kind of reframe people's
mindset or help people to get back on track. And
(26:17):
all of that is to still say that, like people
are in places that they can't get out of like situations,
whether it's like economically struggling or physically struggling people who
are dealing with like physical illnesses or autoimmune diseases. Like,
it is hard to focus on mental health when you
(26:41):
have so many other things that are contributing to your
declining mental health, and so it's hard to be like, Okay,
let me fix my depression by going through these tactics
and these skills, and then the next day or the
next week or the next year, still struggling because you
are still poor, you are still sick, you are still
(27:03):
without a job, Like those things are still really important
to address too, to try and help with that, But
that's a bigger conversation, and that's a bigger issue to
tackle that is going to take a long time. And
so the important thing right now, at least to me,
(27:24):
is to focus on kind of what you can do
for yourself and what you can do for the other
people within your life, within your bubble, rather than the
entire world. Even though the company I'm working for now
is definitely like big picture, I think that the advice
that I have to give is definitely small bubble important.
(27:48):
If that makes any sort of sense, but I am
going to list all of the resources that I utilize.
I'm going to put all the information that I have
available onto this easy Google doc info sheet and that's
going to be on the website, the dash Maria dash
(28:08):
effects dot com. And for any of the people that
are listening on Patreon, you'll have seen the entire thing.
And so I might include just a little video on
Patreon that is just talking about all of the different techniques.
If you'd like to see that and you're not a
part of the Patreon, join the Patreon. It's the Maria Effect. Yeah,
(28:28):
this is just something that's really important to me and
something I know quite a bit about, and so I
just wanted to do a little bit shorter of an
episode kind of addressing the ways that I've dealt with
mental health and the ways that I have been around
mental health mental health world, to hopefully give some people
some confidence that I know what I'm talking about, and
(28:50):
to also just give some clarity about when I'm talking
about something like why am I talking about it? Or
why am I Why do I know anything about it?
So that's what I wanted to do today. I definitely
struggle with so many different mental health things. I have
been through different bouts of depression. It's not a consistent
thing for me, but it is definitely event based. I
(29:13):
have had a lot of grief in my life, and
because of that, it has caused some other issues. I've
had a lot of trauma and that has caused anxiety
and different levels of like acceptance. And it's a constant struggle.
But I think that growing up around so much of it,
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how
(29:34):
to handle it. And now that I'm an adult, I
do and I am so passionate about helping people and
changing lives. That's really what I want to do. That's
what I feel like I'm here for. So if my
story means anything to you, please follow along with this
journey that I'm on. Please tell me about your own struggles.
(29:56):
If you want advice, you can ask me. If you don't,
you don't have to. If you want to give me advice,
I'm all yours. But all of that you can do
on the Maria Effect dot com, the dash Mariah dash
Effect dot com. And please, yeah, let me know how
you feel, let me know what you think. And I
can't wait to talk about the next thing, see you
(30:18):
next time. Bye,
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Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com