July 21, 2023 • 50 mins
In this compelling episode, Mariah bravely opens up about her firsthand experience with the Aurora Movie Theatre Shooting and its impact on her life. Sharing her limited views on gun violence and how literature shaped her understanding, she offers a personal perspective on the tragedy. With heartfelt reflection, Mariah delves into the profound emotions of being a teenager amidst such events and contemplates the unimaginable reality of parents fearing for their children's safety. Join her as she shares her journey of grappling with the aftermath and her evolving views on gun violence, shedding light on the lasting effects of this tragic event on her life and her city.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:39):
Hi, everybody, Welcome to theMariah Effect Podcast. My name is Mariah
(01:47):
and I'm going to be alone thisweek. I'm going to be talking about
something pretty heavy. So if youdon't want to listen to heavy topics this
week, if you would rather notlisten to me talking about an event that
was very, very big and importantto the people of Aurora, Colorado in
(02:15):
the summer of twenty twelve, thenI will see you next week and thank
you so much for listening. Butwhat I'm going to be talking about today
is the Aurora Movie Theater shooting.Since today, the day that this is
(02:36):
coming out, is the day afterthe eleventh anniversary, the eleventh year anniversary
of it happening. Now, someof the things I want to talk about
today are talking about where I wasat the time and talking about how this
(03:01):
sort of an event can affect anentire city, an entire state, an
entire country without affecting someone personally.And I also want to talk about,
(03:25):
in my own way, my kindof thoughts or feelings about the true issue
on the table with the sort ofthing. And again, anything I say
on this podcast, I want tomake very clear are just the way that
(03:46):
I feel about something the ways thatI think, which may be the same
way that you think. It maybe completely different than the way that you
think. And I'm in no place, no way to judge other people,
and I wouldn't want to, butI think it's important to talk about and
(04:11):
it's important to remember. I wentto Overland High School, which is a
part of Cherry Creek School District inAurora, Colorado. I lived in Aurora,
(04:34):
Colorado for a really long time.I lived off of Gnome Street,
which is off of Mississippi and Peoria, and the movie theater that I always
(04:55):
went to for nearly every movie.If I was going with my mom and
we were coming from our house,we would go to the movie theater that
was next to the Aurora Mall.And I remember that day for the Batman
(05:20):
movie, you know, I remembermy uncle Tony had said that he was
going to go. He was goingto take his son. I think I
think it was just his son.It might have been his son and his
youngest daughter that he was going togo to it to see the movie,
(05:41):
but I think it was just hisson and they were going to go.
It was a midnight showing. Itwould have been so cool for a ten
year old to go see it,and I remember thinking like wondering if I
was going to see him there,because I had wanted to go too.
But I don't remember if I wasgrounded or if like something else was going
(06:05):
on. I remember, but Ihad gone to my grandparents house to spend
the night and I went to bed. I told my friends I wasn't gonna
go. Some of them had saidthat they didn't think that they were gonna
go either, and it was likethe group kind of dissolved. So I
(06:28):
didn't know at the time, butnone of us had gone, had decided
to go. And I remember wakingup in the middle of the night two
my uncle Roy watching it on thenews, and it's like I couldn't believe
(06:50):
it. I couldn't believe my eyesthat this event was happening. Like it
didn't feel real. It didn't feellike something that could happen, because these
are things that happened, you know, to other people. This happened like
(07:11):
in other places that were like importantplaces, important cities or whatever. It
didn't happen at a movie theater.It didn't happen in the middle of the
night like that, you know whatI mean. It was so surreal,
and I remember having that moment oflike, this is not real, quickly
(07:36):
followed by oh my gosh, didmy uncle Tony go to this movie theater
with my cousin, my ten yearold cousin? Did my friends go?
Did some of my friends end upgoing? And I have never texted as
(07:57):
quickly in my life as I wastexting after this event, During this event,
I should say, and just tryingto figure out who was there,
right. I don't remember how Iwent to sleep that night. I think
I was up for another hour andthen cried myself to sleep because some people
(08:22):
I didn't have answers from, andyou know, regardless of if anybody I
knew was there, to see likethe numbers of how many people were dead
like at that point already, andhow many people were injured, and hearing
the story of exactly how it happenedand how planned it was and everything,
(08:48):
it was just so horrible to process. And I've talked before on the podcast
about how I used to, youknow, keep my eyes closed or turn
away from the news, turn awayfrom horrible things, because in my mind,
(09:11):
in my heart, I felt likewhat can I possibly do to make
a difference. How is me knowingabout it going to change anything when I
can't do anything? And in theyears since, as I talked about before
(09:35):
with the Sound of Freedom movie,closing my eyes doesn't does. It not
only doesn't help, but it makesthings worse in some ways, because it's
keeping something in the dark that needsto be seen. This tragedy was something
(10:05):
that Aurora felt for years. Imoved to la in the beginning of twenty
seventeen, and I remember when Iwent to California. For years afterwards,
(10:31):
it would always be, oh,you're not from California, Like where are
you from? And after a whileI would just say Denver, because everybody
everybody knows Denver, right, Butpeople would either not know Aurora right,
(10:52):
or it would stir something in theirmemory and they'd think, like, why
do I know Aurora, Colorado?You know? Like and this like look
in their eyes of trying to figureout, like where do I know?
You know the city Aurora, Colorado? Why do I know that? Right?
And after a while it would clickwith them, or some people just
(11:15):
knew right away. They'd go,wow, isn't that you know? Like
where the Batman shooting happened? Andanytime somebody brought it up, I'd go,
yeah, yeah, that's that's whereit happened. In the movie theater
(11:35):
that I would always go to.That's where it was, and it would
fill me with sadness over again thinkingabout it. But after everything happened,
(11:58):
the movie theater was closed for awhile. I don't really remember how long.
I know it was a long time, you know, to at least
two a how old was I fifteenyear old girl whose main joy in life
(12:18):
was going to the movie theaters withher friends or to the mall with her
friends. But it was closed fora long time, and I remember afterwards
after they reopened, the number ofpeople that were like, you're not going
to catch me at the movie theater. At that movie theater, You're not
going to catch me there. You'renot gonna see me. But I was
(12:43):
very like I was on this waveof thinking of like the only way to
get back to normal is to goto the movie theater is to like kind
of get it over with, right. And when I walked into that movie
theater, there were so many thingsthat were different than it used to be,
and like I said, this isa movie theater I went to all
(13:07):
the time, like quite possibly atleast once a month, if not more.
Like that's the movie theater that Iwent to to see. I swear
I had a movie, and Idon't know I went there all the time.
(13:28):
Like when I'm thinking about like moviesthat I went to go see,
it's like a majority of the HarryPotter movies I went to go see there,
most of the Twilight movies, Solemnthere when I went to go see
(13:50):
what do you call it, umCatching Fire, I'll get there, I'll
get there. Hold one, HungerGames. When I want to go see
the Hunger Games movies, it wasat that theater, right, so like
thinking about how it used to beand then walking into that movie theater that
(14:13):
changed so much because they wanted toerase this horrible thing that happened from people's
minds memories. Was so crazy,it was so insane. And going to
see whatever movie I went to it, I don't even remember. I don't
(14:33):
remember if I was with other peoplewhen I went for the first time.
That's lost to time. I don'tknow. But thinking about how when I
sat in the movie theater and peoplewould walk in, you know, like
(14:56):
the movie, like the previews startedor whatever, and then somebody would walk
in after the previews started because theywere late. The fear that entered my
body was visceral. I couldn't breathe, and I wasn't there. I wasn't
(15:18):
at the movie theaters when this eventhappened. I didn't know anybody really on
any sort of personal level who hadbeen there, and yet like that fear
was in there. It was therefor me. I was scared. And
(15:39):
it's just this idea that you don'treally understand until it happens near you,
it happens to you, it happensaround you. You know of you are
(16:00):
not ever really safe. There areso many dangers out there and so many
people who have ill intention and itis scary. Imagine being fifteen, sixteen
(16:22):
years old and having your whole lifechange around you, but like you don't
even recognize it, and tell you'rein a movie theater about to watch a
movie in your theater, your movietheater, right, like the movie theater
(16:44):
that you've been to every day foryears, anytime you wanted to see a
movie. And to feel fear iscrazy. It's in saying in two thousand,
(17:15):
eighteen twenty nineteen, around about there'sa book that came out by one
of the authors that I really enjoyed, Ellen Hopkins, Um is her name,
And she would write these books thatwere basically like, um, there
would be a character, and thatcharacter would have their own chapter I guess
(17:41):
you could call it, but basicallytheir chapter was written in stanzas like a
poem, and uh, they're veryartfully done. Every book kind of different,
right, um. And there's abook that came out by her that
I immediately wanted to read because Iloved her books. And the book was
(18:06):
called People Kill People, And Igot the book, didn't even think about
the title, didn't even think aboutwhat it could be about, right,
even though it's pretty clear what itwas about. But Ellen Hopkins, she
wrote books that were for young adults. Now, in twenty nineteen, I
(18:32):
was not necessarily a young adult age, which like young adult literature is is
really like m fifteen, like fourteenyear old to like twenty maybe like teenage
(18:52):
years right, But I loved youngadult books, young adult litter cher it's
some of the it's some of thebest writing in terms of what it is
like to be in that age,right, because being a teenager is such
(19:18):
a confusing time. There's so muchthat goes into it. There's so many
things that you're having to let goof. You know, you have to
kind of, in a sense,let go of your innocence, let go
of your childhood. Your body ischanging in so many ways, especially like
(19:42):
I don't know what it's like tobe a teenage boy, for sure,
but I know what it's like tobe a teenage girl. And let me
tell you, like the amount ofhormones that are changing in your body,
and like your body changes, andthe way that people see you changes,
the way that people treat you changes. The things that you learn about your
(20:07):
family, the things that you learnabout the world, the things that you
learn about the past. You know, this is really the prime time where
you're learning about world history, aboutabout American history, and you're learning not
only all these like good things,but all the bad things. Right,
(20:27):
So it's just kind of a lotof information that you're having to ingest and
memorize and be able to give back. And these tests that are so important
to your future like pretty much makeor break your entire life, you know,
(20:48):
to you and the way that youknow, adults make it seem too
is as if like this is likedo or die, Like you're either gonna
get good grades in school at thistime and have a future or you're not
going to. Like that's how theymake it seem. It is so much
(21:10):
pressure on you, and yet atthe same time, your body's going through
these changes and literally all this stuffis happening, and yet at the same
time, literally the only thing thatyou care about is whether or not somebody
likes you. Your stupid brain makesyou think like that your life is over
(21:38):
because someone breaks up with you,because someone doesn't like you back, because
someone doesn't want to be with youanymore and they would rather be with someone
else, Like emotions are high.And on top of that, there are
a million other things that could begoing on in your life, based off
(22:00):
of the family that you live with, based off of the friends that you
have, based off of the influencesthat you're under like and I mean like
the adults that are in your lifeor the people that you admire that are
in your life, but also likethe pressure of other people, like wanting
(22:23):
to be cool, wanting to seemlike everybody else because to be different is
scary. All of these things,and writers like Ellen Hopkins, and writers
like Laurie Halls Anderson, who isthe author of my favorite book, which
(22:45):
I've briefly talked about before. Speak. These writers, these authors are able
to encapsulate these feelings, these emotions, and the traumas that are so so
this sounds silly, but so easyto grab hold of you and affect you
(23:11):
for years to come. I have, for a long time, like I
can't remember when it started, right, but for a very long time,
have had an issue with guns.I don't like to be near them.
(23:34):
I don't like to see them.I don't like seeing people that I love
that I care for holding them intheir hands. Which is a very tough,
a very tough place to find myselfliving in a house with a family
who is very very familiar with guns, and going camping with Malory's brothers,
(24:03):
specifically Kyle, who is got hisown gun and brings his own gun when
we go camping, right, well, I just have this uncomfortable feeling being
around them. And recently I've decided, you know, I live with guns
(24:27):
in the house, I should knowhow they work, I should know more
information about them, and so I'veasked to learn some stuff about them,
learn how to shoot one right.And this plays into the idea of like,
(24:47):
I don't want to be ignorant,I don't want to close my eyes,
but it truly concerns me, Likeit gives me pause. It gives
me like anxiety to think about it, right, to think about a gun
in my hands like freaks me out. But I wonder where it came from,
(25:14):
because I don't remember being a youngerkid and having these issues with guns,
Like I don't remember thinking about it, which is a a pretty lucky
place to be in as a kid, especially considering how how everything is now.
But I don't remember where it started, which begs the question of did
(25:41):
it start because of the movie theatershooting, because all of the times I
can think of where the issue comesup is after that, which could be
coincidence. It could be, youknow, just that I was a teenager
and I learned history, I learnedmore about you know, guns and things
(26:02):
like that living in Colorado, wherethey weren't a big part at least in
a city life. They weren't abig part of my life to any real
sense. And the number of thingsthat have come up since that time where
(26:25):
people that I love and care abouthave hurt themselves using again on purpose.
But I wonder if that's where itcomes from, because by the time I
(26:47):
met Mallory and we were friends,I had that fear. I do know
that, but that was after theshooting goes after twenty twelve. Me and
Mallory have been friends for ten years, well eleven years this October, and
(27:15):
we just had the eleventh year anniversaryof this issue. So that right there
tells me that this fear came sometimein that time frame, because I'm I'm
fairly certain I didn't have it beforehand, which does a lot. You know
(27:37):
that I wasn't even involved in anyreal sense to this shooting besides living in
the same state and knowing a coupleof people that were injured. But um,
it was crazy. My cousin,one of my cousins, she made
(27:59):
posts about it. I I'm fairlycertain she knew somebody who had died in
the shooting. I know that whenI started at Red Robin in Aurora,
that one of the people that diedin the shooting was killed in the shooting,
(28:22):
had been a worker there, ora regular there or something. I
never asked because it just seemed toosensitive. Of a topic. I know
that one of the people that Iworked with was in the shooting as well.
She's passed since then, not fromthe shooting but for other reasons,
(28:45):
so I knew her after the fact, right. But it was big,
it was intense, It was ithad a wide area of effect for sure.
(29:07):
But what I was saying earlier inthis book, People Kill People by
Ellen Hopkins, I read that book, and the book makes it very clear
that the gun isn't the problem,it's the people behind it, right,
(29:32):
which is pretty clear from the titlebefore you even read the book, because
it goes by the phrase of like, guns don't kill people. People kill
people, right, And I believethat too, right. I feel like
guns are just the tool used tomake things happen faster, as they always
(29:56):
have been. But it's just it'sdifficult. It's difficult issue, and there's
a reason why there's so much backand forth about it and why it hasn't
been solved to this day is becauseguns are such a symbol for Americans in
(30:22):
that it's a way for us everyday people to have a way to protect
ourselves from one another, as wellas the government in case of crap that
they decide to put on us,which is happening either way, no matter
(30:49):
what you say. But anyway,it's such a big representation of our individual
freedom for a lot of people.Um, and yet it is a weapon
(31:11):
that has been used time and timeagain in a way that people don't like
to acknowledge as being the gun's fault. And it's not. It's not the
(31:33):
gun's fault. But how much damagecould somebody do with a knife versus a
gun? Right, especially considering likethe different kinds of guns that people can
get, um, the different kindsof guns that have been used in these
(31:57):
mass shootings. I think that forme, somebody who doesn't have a lot
of information and I don't, Ishould have researched this. But this is
kind of an impromptu recording for meto do. It's just kind of I
(32:19):
was thinking all day, all daylong that you know, I needed to
record or I needed to edit thevideo that I was going to put out
for you guys on Friday. Andyeah, all day long, I had
this nagging feeling that I needed totalk about this, and if I was
(32:45):
going to talk about it, Ineeded to put it out this week right
for it to be of relevance.So this is a pretty rock cut because
obviously I'm not going to be doinga lot of editing since I'm recording this
super late at night. But Idon't have a lot of facts and figures
(33:14):
in front of me. There's somethings that I just know from when I've
looked it up before, when itwas tugging on me, because that's really
when I research things, is whenit tugs at me, when it pulls
at me, when somebody says somethingthat forces me to recognize my own ignorance
(33:35):
about a subject and that I don'tknow enough to even be able to have
a conversation with someone about it.So I know a lot of like stats
and figures about things that I specificallylook up. And there's some things I
know about, like gun violence thatwere relevant to me at one point or
(33:58):
another. Like I know that likesomething like three hundred and twenty five people
are shot in the United States likeevery single day, UM, based off
of the statistics or whatever. UM, I know that a good portion of
those I think it's like a thirdor something like that UM were shot and
(34:19):
killed, and most of that onethird were intentionally shot by someone else UM,
which is a staggering amount for everysingle day. UM. It's a
(34:46):
lot, it's it's dramatic, it'soverwhelming to think about. UM. But
like I I said, I don'thave all of this information to be able
to really talk in any sort ofreal way about what needs to happen,
(35:09):
what changes need to go down forthe better of us all. But that's
something that I need to research formyself. That's something that I need to
figure out for myself, and overtime, you know, I will add
more to the show notes page aboutyou know, what I learned, what
(35:30):
I figure out where I stand,I guess I should say, and that
in no way means that everybody shouldhave the same thoughts and opinions that I
do. You should research it yourself, you should figure out where you stand,
what you believe in yourself. Right. But I will say that as
(35:52):
uncomfortable as guns make me, forwhatever reason, I've seen a family of
people. I've seen people who knowhow to use these weapons for protection,
(36:16):
strictly for what their purpose is,and not not for murder. I've seen
what that looks like. And sothat tells me, at least in the
(36:39):
life that I live, that theseguns can be handled with care, and
that the issue lies in where we'reletting the guns I should say, who
we're letting the guns be given to. Because one of the biggest issues that
(37:08):
we have in America, in theworld, I should say, is mental
health. And I truly believe withmy entire heart that anyone has the chance,
has the opportunity, has the placewithin them to do good in life,
(37:37):
to be kind in life. Italk about compassion on the podcast,
on this podcast all the time andin my life all the time. And
I think that people who have donetruly horrible things have it within them to
(38:00):
like make amends, to be better. But that doesn't mean that they're going
to choose that. That doesn't meanthat they have it within them to change
something that they have grown up feelingtheir entire lives. It's very hard to
(38:21):
change, which is not an excusefor those people. I'm not trying to
say that it is, but Iknow the real issue is in mental health,
(38:44):
and people deserve the chance to getbetter, to get help, and
the problem is there's not a lotof there's not a lot of really accessible
(39:07):
ways to get help long term.So that's kind of what I walk away
with it without knowing stats and figuresand all of that. So you know,
if you do know those things,please let me know, Please tell
(39:29):
me. I'm going to do myown research. But for me, the
issue remains with mental health issues andhow to fix learned behavior and how to
give people compassion and love and carethat they otherwise haven't been given. I
(39:57):
talked about, you know, StephenUniverse being a show that's all about kindness
and love and care, and inthat show, which is a children's show,
I recognize, but in that show, Stephen has people who intentionally want
(40:17):
to do him harm, who putthe lives of his loved ones at risk
time and time again, and yethe holds out his hand of like I
want to know you, I wantto help you, and that's something that
(40:38):
I want to be able to do. I want to be able to try
and help. And if I'm turnedaway, so be it. If they
don't want to change, so beit. But I really genuinely want to
try and help those people before itgets to the point of killing twelve people
(41:07):
and injuring ninety plus people and givingPTSD to an entire city and causing people
to fear going to the movies andparents terrified to send their kids to school.
(41:37):
When I lived in California, mycousin, my little cousin, Jason,
not the one who does the podcastwith me. He was five years
old when I moved to California andwas in kindergarten, and I played a
(41:57):
huge role in taking him to school, bringing him home, helping him with
his homework, teaching him like reiteratingthe things he learned in class. Played
a huge role in his education.And I wasn't working at the time,
so he was kind of my job, you know. And I remember one
(42:24):
day when I just had this weirdfeeling in my stomach, this horrible,
horrible feeling. And he did notlike school very much, especially the school
he went to at that time.And I would get to his school and
wait for him in front of theschool for him to get out of class,
(42:45):
and he'd be like one of thefirst people out of the door,
right because he was so ready togo home. And this day I had
this weird feeling in my stomach,and so I'm standing there, the bell
rings or whatever, and the dooropens, and kid after kid after kid
(43:07):
after kid come out of the door, and he's nowhere to be found,
Like nowhere to be seen right byme, and I panicked. I was
terrified. I kept I started goingthrough worst case scenarios. I started thinking
(43:30):
he was kidnapped at recess and nobodysaid anything. Somebody came to pick him
up early, who pretended to bea family member, and he's gone.
We haven't talked about kidnapping scenarios withhim. We haven't come up with a
pass code or password or anything likethat. I don't know if he knows
(43:52):
not to go as somebody. Wehaven't had that conversation. I wonder if
Angie's had that conversation with him.Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he? And I hadthose thoughts, But then I also had
the thought of, like if therewas like a shooting or something, then
they would have called us, andshe would have called me to let me
(44:13):
know if something happened, and Jasonended up going to the hospital if something
was wrong. Right, So ifhe isn't here, where is he?
What's going on? You know,like these crazy thoughts, right, that
shouldn't have to be on my mind. I shouldn't have to had to jump
to those conclusions, which, yes, those are huge jumps to make.
(44:37):
Because he didn't walk out of theclassroom within the first fifteen kids, right,
but like I was panicking. Andthen like all the kids came out
and the teacher was there by thedoor and saying goodbye to everybody and still
know Jason. Like it was clearall the kids had walked out of the
(44:59):
room, still know Jason. SoI walk up and I'm gonna start crying,
right and the teacher said, oh, Jason, he's just in the
bathroom. He just had to goto the bathroom before, you know,
right right right before the bell rang, he went into the bathroom, and
I like sighed and I went,oh, okay, and didn't say anything
(45:23):
to the teacher. I definitely didn'tsay anything to Jason. But we got
into the car and went home,and we got out of the car when
we got home, and I justlike came around the car and I gave
him like this huge hug. Andhe was, you know, five year
(45:45):
old boy, so he was likewas going on, but I gave him
this huge hug and I just heldon to him because I had this like
moment where I just was like,I'm sending him to school every day and
(46:07):
I could not see him come home, like that's a real possibility, and
so it was a lot for mebeing his like part time parent, you
know, in a way, itwas scary, and I just I just
(46:37):
know that, like when I havekids of my own, that's going to
be constantly on my mind. Itis. I'm the type of person that
has had worst case scenario be thescenario a lot of the time for most
of my life, and so theidea of that happening just would sit with
(47:04):
me all the time. In theway that the world is now, and
if anything, it's only gotten worsesince twenty twelve, you know, it's
only gotten worse. So where doesthat leave me at the end of this
(47:27):
episode? Right, What do Ihave to say to those people listening?
I think the best thing that Icould say is that I am still hopeful
for a better tomorrow. I stillwant there to be purposeful change, important
(48:00):
change, change that effects change inour world, and I need to research
what that should be, at leastin my mind, right, I need
to look into that myself. ButI guess what I have to say to
(48:24):
you is the thing that I sayalways, which is that compassion is one
of our best tools that we havein our arsenal, compassion and kindness,
(48:45):
and I try to use them everyday. I try to use them for
myself. I try to use themfor people who don't know what it feels
like to receive that from someone,and I really encourage you to do the
(49:06):
same. Thank you for listening.I'll see you next time. M m
(49:44):
m m M five
Hi, everybody, Welcome to theMariah Effect Podcast. My name is Mariah
(01:47):
and I'm going to be alone thisweek. I'm going to be talking about
something pretty heavy. So if youdon't want to listen to heavy topics this
week, if you would rather notlisten to me talking about an event that
was very, very big and importantto the people of Aurora, Colorado in
(02:15):
the summer of twenty twelve, thenI will see you next week and thank
you so much for listening. Butwhat I'm going to be talking about today
is the Aurora Movie Theater shooting.Since today, the day that this is
(02:36):
coming out, is the day afterthe eleventh anniversary, the eleventh year anniversary
of it happening. Now, someof the things I want to talk about
today are talking about where I wasat the time and talking about how this
(03:01):
sort of an event can affect anentire city, an entire state, an
entire country without affecting someone personally.And I also want to talk about,
(03:25):
in my own way, my kindof thoughts or feelings about the true issue
on the table with the sort ofthing. And again, anything I say
on this podcast, I want tomake very clear are just the way that
(03:46):
I feel about something the ways thatI think, which may be the same
way that you think. It maybe completely different than the way that you
think. And I'm in no place, no way to judge other people,
and I wouldn't want to, butI think it's important to talk about and
(04:11):
it's important to remember. I wentto Overland High School, which is a
part of Cherry Creek School District inAurora, Colorado. I lived in Aurora,
(04:34):
Colorado for a really long time.I lived off of Gnome Street,
which is off of Mississippi and Peoria, and the movie theater that I always
(04:55):
went to for nearly every movie.If I was going with my mom and
we were coming from our house,we would go to the movie theater that
was next to the Aurora Mall.And I remember that day for the Batman
(05:20):
movie, you know, I remembermy uncle Tony had said that he was
going to go. He was goingto take his son. I think I
think it was just his son.It might have been his son and his
youngest daughter that he was going togo to it to see the movie,
(05:41):
but I think it was just hisson and they were going to go.
It was a midnight showing. Itwould have been so cool for a ten
year old to go see it,and I remember thinking like wondering if I
was going to see him there,because I had wanted to go too.
But I don't remember if I wasgrounded or if like something else was going
(06:05):
on. I remember, but Ihad gone to my grandparents house to spend
the night and I went to bed. I told my friends I wasn't gonna
go. Some of them had saidthat they didn't think that they were gonna
go either, and it was likethe group kind of dissolved. So I
(06:28):
didn't know at the time, butnone of us had gone, had decided
to go. And I remember wakingup in the middle of the night two
my uncle Roy watching it on thenews, and it's like I couldn't believe
(06:50):
it. I couldn't believe my eyesthat this event was happening. Like it
didn't feel real. It didn't feellike something that could happen, because these
are things that happened, you know, to other people. This happened like
(07:11):
in other places that were like importantplaces, important cities or whatever. It
didn't happen at a movie theater.It didn't happen in the middle of the
night like that, you know whatI mean. It was so surreal,
and I remember having that moment oflike, this is not real, quickly
(07:36):
followed by oh my gosh, didmy uncle Tony go to this movie theater
with my cousin, my ten yearold cousin? Did my friends go?
Did some of my friends end upgoing? And I have never texted as
(07:57):
quickly in my life as I wastexting after this event, During this event,
I should say, and just tryingto figure out who was there,
right. I don't remember how Iwent to sleep that night. I think
I was up for another hour andthen cried myself to sleep because some people
(08:22):
I didn't have answers from, andyou know, regardless of if anybody I
knew was there, to see likethe numbers of how many people were dead
like at that point already, andhow many people were injured, and hearing
the story of exactly how it happenedand how planned it was and everything,
(08:48):
it was just so horrible to process. And I've talked before on the podcast
about how I used to, youknow, keep my eyes closed or turn
away from the news, turn awayfrom horrible things, because in my mind,
(09:11):
in my heart, I felt likewhat can I possibly do to make
a difference. How is me knowingabout it going to change anything when I
can't do anything? And in theyears since, as I talked about before
(09:35):
with the Sound of Freedom movie,closing my eyes doesn't does. It not
only doesn't help, but it makesthings worse in some ways, because it's
keeping something in the dark that needsto be seen. This tragedy was something
(10:05):
that Aurora felt for years. Imoved to la in the beginning of twenty
seventeen, and I remember when Iwent to California. For years afterwards,
(10:31):
it would always be, oh,you're not from California, Like where are
you from? And after a whileI would just say Denver, because everybody
everybody knows Denver, right, Butpeople would either not know Aurora right,
(10:52):
or it would stir something in theirmemory and they'd think, like, why
do I know Aurora, Colorado?You know? Like and this like look
in their eyes of trying to figureout, like where do I know?
You know the city Aurora, Colorado? Why do I know that? Right?
And after a while it would clickwith them, or some people just
(11:15):
knew right away. They'd go,wow, isn't that you know? Like
where the Batman shooting happened? Andanytime somebody brought it up, I'd go,
yeah, yeah, that's that's whereit happened. In the movie theater
(11:35):
that I would always go to.That's where it was, and it would
fill me with sadness over again thinkingabout it. But after everything happened,
(11:58):
the movie theater was closed for awhile. I don't really remember how long.
I know it was a long time, you know, to at least
two a how old was I fifteenyear old girl whose main joy in life
(12:18):
was going to the movie theaters withher friends or to the mall with her
friends. But it was closed fora long time, and I remember afterwards
after they reopened, the number ofpeople that were like, you're not going
to catch me at the movie theater. At that movie theater, You're not
going to catch me there. You'renot gonna see me. But I was
(12:43):
very like I was on this waveof thinking of like the only way to
get back to normal is to goto the movie theater is to like kind
of get it over with, right. And when I walked into that movie
theater, there were so many thingsthat were different than it used to be,
and like I said, this isa movie theater I went to all
(13:07):
the time, like quite possibly atleast once a month, if not more.
Like that's the movie theater that Iwent to to see. I swear
I had a movie, and Idon't know I went there all the time.
(13:28):
Like when I'm thinking about like moviesthat I went to go see,
it's like a majority of the HarryPotter movies I went to go see there,
most of the Twilight movies, Solemnthere when I went to go see
(13:50):
what do you call it, umCatching Fire, I'll get there, I'll
get there. Hold one, HungerGames. When I want to go see
the Hunger Games movies, it wasat that theater, right, so like
thinking about how it used to beand then walking into that movie theater that
(14:13):
changed so much because they wanted toerase this horrible thing that happened from people's
minds memories. Was so crazy,it was so insane. And going to
see whatever movie I went to it, I don't even remember. I don't
(14:33):
remember if I was with other peoplewhen I went for the first time.
That's lost to time. I don'tknow. But thinking about how when I
sat in the movie theater and peoplewould walk in, you know, like
(14:56):
the movie, like the previews startedor whatever, and then somebody would walk
in after the previews started because theywere late. The fear that entered my
body was visceral. I couldn't breathe, and I wasn't there. I wasn't
(15:18):
at the movie theaters when this eventhappened. I didn't know anybody really on
any sort of personal level who hadbeen there, and yet like that fear
was in there. It was therefor me. I was scared. And
(15:39):
it's just this idea that you don'treally understand until it happens near you,
it happens to you, it happensaround you. You know of you are
(16:00):
not ever really safe. There areso many dangers out there and so many
people who have ill intention and itis scary. Imagine being fifteen, sixteen
(16:22):
years old and having your whole lifechange around you, but like you don't
even recognize it, and tell you'rein a movie theater about to watch a
movie in your theater, your movietheater, right, like the movie theater
(16:44):
that you've been to every day foryears, anytime you wanted to see a
movie. And to feel fear iscrazy. It's in saying in two thousand,
(17:15):
eighteen twenty nineteen, around about there'sa book that came out by one
of the authors that I really enjoyed, Ellen Hopkins, Um is her name,
And she would write these books thatwere basically like, um, there
would be a character, and thatcharacter would have their own chapter I guess
(17:41):
you could call it, but basicallytheir chapter was written in stanzas like a
poem, and uh, they're veryartfully done. Every book kind of different,
right, um. And there's abook that came out by her that
I immediately wanted to read because Iloved her books. And the book was
(18:06):
called People Kill People, And Igot the book, didn't even think about
the title, didn't even think aboutwhat it could be about, right,
even though it's pretty clear what itwas about. But Ellen Hopkins, she
wrote books that were for young adults. Now, in twenty nineteen, I
(18:32):
was not necessarily a young adult age, which like young adult literature is is
really like m fifteen, like fourteenyear old to like twenty maybe like teenage
(18:52):
years right, But I loved youngadult books, young adult litter cher it's
some of the it's some of thebest writing in terms of what it is
like to be in that age,right, because being a teenager is such
(19:18):
a confusing time. There's so muchthat goes into it. There's so many
things that you're having to let goof. You know, you have to
kind of, in a sense,let go of your innocence, let go
of your childhood. Your body ischanging in so many ways, especially like
(19:42):
I don't know what it's like tobe a teenage boy, for sure,
but I know what it's like tobe a teenage girl. And let me
tell you, like the amount ofhormones that are changing in your body,
and like your body changes, andthe way that people see you changes,
the way that people treat you changes. The things that you learn about your
(20:07):
family, the things that you learnabout the world, the things that you
learn about the past. You know, this is really the prime time where
you're learning about world history, aboutabout American history, and you're learning not
only all these like good things,but all the bad things. Right,
(20:27):
So it's just kind of a lotof information that you're having to ingest and
memorize and be able to give back. And these tests that are so important
to your future like pretty much makeor break your entire life, you know,
(20:48):
to you and the way that youknow, adults make it seem too
is as if like this is likedo or die, Like you're either gonna
get good grades in school at thistime and have a future or you're not
going to. Like that's how theymake it seem. It is so much
(21:10):
pressure on you, and yet atthe same time, your body's going through
these changes and literally all this stuffis happening, and yet at the same
time, literally the only thing thatyou care about is whether or not somebody
likes you. Your stupid brain makesyou think like that your life is over
(21:38):
because someone breaks up with you,because someone doesn't like you back, because
someone doesn't want to be with youanymore and they would rather be with someone
else, Like emotions are high.And on top of that, there are
a million other things that could begoing on in your life, based off
(22:00):
of the family that you live with, based off of the friends that you
have, based off of the influencesthat you're under like and I mean like
the adults that are in your lifeor the people that you admire that are
in your life, but also likethe pressure of other people, like wanting
(22:23):
to be cool, wanting to seemlike everybody else because to be different is
scary. All of these things,and writers like Ellen Hopkins, and writers
like Laurie Halls Anderson, who isthe author of my favorite book, which
(22:45):
I've briefly talked about before. Speak. These writers, these authors are able
to encapsulate these feelings, these emotions, and the traumas that are so so
this sounds silly, but so easyto grab hold of you and affect you
(23:11):
for years to come. I have, for a long time, like I
can't remember when it started, right, but for a very long time,
have had an issue with guns.I don't like to be near them.
(23:34):
I don't like to see them.I don't like seeing people that I love
that I care for holding them intheir hands. Which is a very tough,
a very tough place to find myselfliving in a house with a family
who is very very familiar with guns, and going camping with Malory's brothers,
(24:03):
specifically Kyle, who is got hisown gun and brings his own gun when
we go camping, right, well, I just have this uncomfortable feeling being
around them. And recently I've decided, you know, I live with guns
(24:27):
in the house, I should knowhow they work, I should know more
information about them, and so I'veasked to learn some stuff about them,
learn how to shoot one right.And this plays into the idea of like,
(24:47):
I don't want to be ignorant,I don't want to close my eyes,
but it truly concerns me, Likeit gives me pause. It gives
me like anxiety to think about it, right, to think about a gun
in my hands like freaks me out. But I wonder where it came from,
(25:14):
because I don't remember being a youngerkid and having these issues with guns,
Like I don't remember thinking about it, which is a a pretty lucky
place to be in as a kid, especially considering how how everything is now.
But I don't remember where it started, which begs the question of did
(25:41):
it start because of the movie theatershooting, because all of the times I
can think of where the issue comesup is after that, which could be
coincidence. It could be, youknow, just that I was a teenager
and I learned history, I learnedmore about you know, guns and things
(26:02):
like that living in Colorado, wherethey weren't a big part at least in
a city life. They weren't abig part of my life to any real
sense. And the number of thingsthat have come up since that time where
(26:25):
people that I love and care abouthave hurt themselves using again on purpose.
But I wonder if that's where itcomes from, because by the time I
(26:47):
met Mallory and we were friends,I had that fear. I do know
that, but that was after theshooting goes after twenty twelve. Me and
Mallory have been friends for ten years, well eleven years this October, and
(27:15):
we just had the eleventh year anniversaryof this issue. So that right there
tells me that this fear came sometimein that time frame, because I'm I'm
fairly certain I didn't have it beforehand, which does a lot. You know
(27:37):
that I wasn't even involved in anyreal sense to this shooting besides living in
the same state and knowing a coupleof people that were injured. But um,
it was crazy. My cousin,one of my cousins, she made
(27:59):
posts about it. I I'm fairlycertain she knew somebody who had died in
the shooting. I know that whenI started at Red Robin in Aurora,
that one of the people that diedin the shooting was killed in the shooting,
(28:22):
had been a worker there, ora regular there or something. I
never asked because it just seemed toosensitive. Of a topic. I know
that one of the people that Iworked with was in the shooting as well.
She's passed since then, not fromthe shooting but for other reasons,
(28:45):
so I knew her after the fact, right. But it was big,
it was intense, It was ithad a wide area of effect for sure.
(29:07):
But what I was saying earlier inthis book, People Kill People by
Ellen Hopkins, I read that book, and the book makes it very clear
that the gun isn't the problem,it's the people behind it, right,
(29:32):
which is pretty clear from the titlebefore you even read the book, because
it goes by the phrase of like, guns don't kill people. People kill
people, right, And I believethat too, right. I feel like
guns are just the tool used tomake things happen faster, as they always
(29:56):
have been. But it's just it'sdifficult. It's difficult issue, and there's
a reason why there's so much backand forth about it and why it hasn't
been solved to this day is becauseguns are such a symbol for Americans in
(30:22):
that it's a way for us everyday people to have a way to protect
ourselves from one another, as wellas the government in case of crap that
they decide to put on us,which is happening either way, no matter
(30:49):
what you say. But anyway,it's such a big representation of our individual
freedom for a lot of people.Um, and yet it is a weapon
(31:11):
that has been used time and timeagain in a way that people don't like
to acknowledge as being the gun's fault. And it's not. It's not the
(31:33):
gun's fault. But how much damagecould somebody do with a knife versus a
gun? Right, especially considering likethe different kinds of guns that people can
get, um, the different kindsof guns that have been used in these
(31:57):
mass shootings. I think that forme, somebody who doesn't have a lot
of information and I don't, Ishould have researched this. But this is
kind of an impromptu recording for meto do. It's just kind of I
(32:19):
was thinking all day, all daylong that you know, I needed to
record or I needed to edit thevideo that I was going to put out
for you guys on Friday. Andyeah, all day long, I had
this nagging feeling that I needed totalk about this, and if I was
(32:45):
going to talk about it, Ineeded to put it out this week right
for it to be of relevance.So this is a pretty rock cut because
obviously I'm not going to be doinga lot of editing since I'm recording this
super late at night. But Idon't have a lot of facts and figures
(33:14):
in front of me. There's somethings that I just know from when I've
looked it up before, when itwas tugging on me, because that's really
when I research things, is whenit tugs at me, when it pulls
at me, when somebody says somethingthat forces me to recognize my own ignorance
(33:35):
about a subject and that I don'tknow enough to even be able to have
a conversation with someone about it.So I know a lot of like stats
and figures about things that I specificallylook up. And there's some things I
know about, like gun violence thatwere relevant to me at one point or
(33:58):
another. Like I know that likesomething like three hundred and twenty five people
are shot in the United States likeevery single day, UM, based off
of the statistics or whatever. UM, I know that a good portion of
those I think it's like a thirdor something like that UM were shot and
(34:19):
killed, and most of that onethird were intentionally shot by someone else UM,
which is a staggering amount for everysingle day. UM. It's a
(34:46):
lot, it's it's dramatic, it'soverwhelming to think about. UM. But
like I I said, I don'thave all of this information to be able
to really talk in any sort ofreal way about what needs to happen,
(35:09):
what changes need to go down forthe better of us all. But that's
something that I need to research formyself. That's something that I need to
figure out for myself, and overtime, you know, I will add
more to the show notes page aboutyou know, what I learned, what
(35:30):
I figure out where I stand,I guess I should say, and that
in no way means that everybody shouldhave the same thoughts and opinions that I
do. You should research it yourself, you should figure out where you stand,
what you believe in yourself. Right. But I will say that as
(35:52):
uncomfortable as guns make me, forwhatever reason, I've seen a family of
people. I've seen people who knowhow to use these weapons for protection,
(36:16):
strictly for what their purpose is,and not not for murder. I've seen
what that looks like. And sothat tells me, at least in the
(36:39):
life that I live, that theseguns can be handled with care, and
that the issue lies in where we'reletting the guns I should say, who
we're letting the guns be given to. Because one of the biggest issues that
(37:08):
we have in America, in theworld, I should say, is mental
health. And I truly believe withmy entire heart that anyone has the chance,
has the opportunity, has the placewithin them to do good in life,
(37:37):
to be kind in life. Italk about compassion on the podcast,
on this podcast all the time andin my life all the time. And
I think that people who have donetruly horrible things have it within them to
(38:00):
like make amends, to be better. But that doesn't mean that they're going
to choose that. That doesn't meanthat they have it within them to change
something that they have grown up feelingtheir entire lives. It's very hard to
(38:21):
change, which is not an excusefor those people. I'm not trying to
say that it is, but Iknow the real issue is in mental health,
(38:44):
and people deserve the chance to getbetter, to get help, and
the problem is there's not a lotof there's not a lot of really accessible
(39:07):
ways to get help long term.So that's kind of what I walk away
with it without knowing stats and figuresand all of that. So you know,
if you do know those things,please let me know, Please tell
(39:29):
me. I'm going to do myown research. But for me, the
issue remains with mental health issues andhow to fix learned behavior and how to
give people compassion and love and carethat they otherwise haven't been given. I
(39:57):
talked about, you know, StephenUniverse being a show that's all about kindness
and love and care, and inthat show, which is a children's show,
I recognize, but in that show, Stephen has people who intentionally want
(40:17):
to do him harm, who putthe lives of his loved ones at risk
time and time again, and yethe holds out his hand of like I
want to know you, I wantto help you, and that's something that
(40:38):
I want to be able to do. I want to be able to try
and help. And if I'm turnedaway, so be it. If they
don't want to change, so beit. But I really genuinely want to
try and help those people before itgets to the point of killing twelve people
(41:07):
and injuring ninety plus people and givingPTSD to an entire city and causing people
to fear going to the movies andparents terrified to send their kids to school.
(41:37):
When I lived in California, mycousin, my little cousin, Jason,
not the one who does the podcastwith me. He was five years
old when I moved to California andwas in kindergarten, and I played a
(41:57):
huge role in taking him to school, bringing him home, helping him with
his homework, teaching him like reiteratingthe things he learned in class. Played
a huge role in his education.And I wasn't working at the time,
so he was kind of my job, you know. And I remember one
(42:24):
day when I just had this weirdfeeling in my stomach, this horrible,
horrible feeling. And he did notlike school very much, especially the school
he went to at that time.And I would get to his school and
wait for him in front of theschool for him to get out of class,
(42:45):
and he'd be like one of thefirst people out of the door,
right because he was so ready togo home. And this day I had
this weird feeling in my stomach,and so I'm standing there, the bell
rings or whatever, and the dooropens, and kid after kid after kid
(43:07):
after kid come out of the door, and he's nowhere to be found,
Like nowhere to be seen right byme, and I panicked. I was
terrified. I kept I started goingthrough worst case scenarios. I started thinking
(43:30):
he was kidnapped at recess and nobodysaid anything. Somebody came to pick him
up early, who pretended to bea family member, and he's gone.
We haven't talked about kidnapping scenarios withhim. We haven't come up with a
pass code or password or anything likethat. I don't know if he knows
(43:52):
not to go as somebody. Wehaven't had that conversation. I wonder if
Angie's had that conversation with him.Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he? And I hadthose thoughts, But then I also had
the thought of, like if therewas like a shooting or something, then
they would have called us, andshe would have called me to let me
(44:13):
know if something happened, and Jasonended up going to the hospital if something
was wrong. Right, So ifhe isn't here, where is he?
What's going on? You know,like these crazy thoughts, right, that
shouldn't have to be on my mind. I shouldn't have to had to jump
to those conclusions, which, yes, those are huge jumps to make.
(44:37):
Because he didn't walk out of theclassroom within the first fifteen kids, right,
but like I was panicking. Andthen like all the kids came out
and the teacher was there by thedoor and saying goodbye to everybody and still
know Jason. Like it was clearall the kids had walked out of the
(44:59):
room, still know Jason. SoI walk up and I'm gonna start crying,
right and the teacher said, oh, Jason, he's just in the
bathroom. He just had to goto the bathroom before, you know,
right right right before the bell rang, he went into the bathroom, and
I like sighed and I went,oh, okay, and didn't say anything
(45:23):
to the teacher. I definitely didn'tsay anything to Jason. But we got
into the car and went home,and we got out of the car when
we got home, and I justlike came around the car and I gave
him like this huge hug. Andhe was, you know, five year
(45:45):
old boy, so he was likewas going on, but I gave him
this huge hug and I just heldon to him because I had this like
moment where I just was like,I'm sending him to school every day and
(46:07):
I could not see him come home, like that's a real possibility, and
so it was a lot for mebeing his like part time parent, you
know, in a way, itwas scary, and I just I just
(46:37):
know that, like when I havekids of my own, that's going to
be constantly on my mind. Itis. I'm the type of person that
has had worst case scenario be thescenario a lot of the time for most
of my life, and so theidea of that happening just would sit with
(47:04):
me all the time. In theway that the world is now, and
if anything, it's only gotten worsesince twenty twelve, you know, it's
only gotten worse. So where doesthat leave me at the end of this
(47:27):
episode? Right, What do Ihave to say to those people listening?
I think the best thing that Icould say is that I am still hopeful
for a better tomorrow. I stillwant there to be purposeful change, important
(48:00):
change, change that effects change inour world, and I need to research
what that should be, at leastin my mind, right, I need
to look into that myself. ButI guess what I have to say to
(48:24):
you is the thing that I sayalways, which is that compassion is one
of our best tools that we havein our arsenal, compassion and kindness,
(48:45):
and I try to use them everyday. I try to use them for
myself. I try to use themfor people who don't know what it feels
like to receive that from someone,and I really encourage you to do the
(49:06):
same. Thank you for listening.I'll see you next time. M m
(49:44):
m m M five
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.