May 13, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode of The Mariah Effect, I’m opening up about some of the big changes happening in my life like moving through grief, encouraging growth in myself, and reshaping the direction of this podcast. I’ve been learning to put my own needs first and make decisions based on what I want (not what others expect).
I also touch on what I’m most excited about as I step into this new season (including bringing video into the mix!). I hope this episode of The Mariah Effect inspires you and reminds you that growth is always worth it.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-mariah-effect--5832015/support.
I also touch on what I’m most excited about as I step into this new season (including bringing video into the mix!). I hope this episode of The Mariah Effect inspires you and reminds you that growth is always worth it.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-mariah-effect--5832015/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the Maria Effect. I'm Mariah.
Let's dive in. So I know it's been a little
bit of time. There has been a lot of changes
and a lot of moving parts in my life that
have made it very difficult to record. But I am back,
(00:25):
and I think that as kind of an introduction to
this new era for the Maria Effect, I think it's
only fitting to have an episode that's totally just about change.
If you listen to some of my most recent episodes,
(00:48):
I was talking primarily about, you know, all the new
things that are happening in my life, and the most
recent one was talking about some of the sad new
things that are happening that have happened in my life now.
And one of those things that has been going on,
(01:10):
and the reason why I took kind of a break
was because I was grieving. I still am grieving, and
I'm just kind of trying to find my rhythm again,
or finding a new rhythm, probably because I've spent so
long trying to, you know, adjust to new realities that
(01:36):
now I want to create a new reality for myself.
And so with that, let's just start talking about some changes.
First of all, I want to talk about a major
change for the Maria Effect. It's a good thing, don't worry.
(01:56):
It's a good thing. Is that I am now working
with a team of people and we're going to try
and make things a little bit easier for me and
also more streamlined and consistent for you. Because I've definitely
kept dropping the ball and it's a lot of work
(02:17):
for one person to do. I know that there's plenty
of people who are doing it all by themselves and
dedicate themselves to this, and I applaud them because I
have been trying and I've been failing. And one of
the things that is great about failing this is a
conversation I actually had last night. One of the great
(02:38):
things about failing is being able to push through that
and find something different or improving on what you were
failing at. And I think the reality is is that
I don't want to let alone if I can or
can't do it by myself, I don't want to do
this by myself. I think I have a lot of
(03:01):
different things that are going on in my life, work opportunities,
exciting things personally, like I don't have the time and
I don't have the brain, the brain bandwidth to handle
all of it all at the same time, all by myself.
So I'm so grateful and so happy to have help.
(03:24):
It's going to be a huge load off my shoulders.
And I think it'll be really great for you guys
because you'll actually get consistent content from me. So that's
one of the great things that's going on. Another good
change is because of that, I've been given some really
(03:44):
good advice on how consistently I should be doing the
podcast and when post when I should be posting and everything,
so I know I keep changing it you guys. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to keep up with everything going on in
my life. And I really just am so grateful and
thankful to the people that are just consistently right or
(04:07):
die for me and willing to go through all these changes.
And if you're new to the channel, if you're new
to the podcast, don't worry about it. Don't worry about
what I'm talking about necessarily about changes, because this is
going to be what it is moving forward. But we
(04:30):
are going to be doing a podcast episode every other week,
once a week, and they're going to be longer episodes
like I did before. The reason that the major reason
that I changed it initially from longer episodes to shorter
episodes was because I was having a hard time with
listening to myself for forty five minutes. Not because you know,
(04:55):
I don't think that it's good content or anything like that.
I think what I have to say is important, and
I think that you definitely could benefit from listening to
some of the things that I have to share. And
I think there's value in this. It's just when you're
the one who is giving, you know, talking about everything
(05:16):
and giving the advice or the stories, the compassion, when
you're sharing all of that and then have to listen
to it again and then have to listen to it
again and again and again for editing's sake. It's just
really dreaming, and it's a lot. It's a lot because
(05:39):
I go through second by second, minute by minute trying
to make it more put together. I don't know, I
think the raw, the raw version of myself is sometimes
not as professional because I have filler words, or I
(06:00):
stumble sometimes and I ramble, and so I try and
make it more concise and more put together. And yeah,
it's it's difficult, but now I'm using better equipment. I'm
using better software. I kind of used a variety of
(06:22):
different things because it was the free option. Now I
don't have to worry about that. Thank God, Thank everyone
around me who's helped me get to this point. But yeah,
so it's going to be a lot easier for me
to edit. It's gonna be easier for the other people
who are helping me edit. And yeah, another big change.
(06:47):
Oh gosh, another big change that we're going to be
doing is if you are watching this, then you'll already
see But because I'm using some new software, I'm actually
gonna be able to do video content as well, and
it'll be edited with the audio instead of separately. Because
(07:11):
that was a huge headache to try and figure out,
which is why I never really did the video parts.
Which is really great because then I can reach different audiences.
I know, for me specifically, I have a really hard
time listening, just listening to things, Like I'm a huge reader,
and I can't do audio books because I can't stick
(07:35):
to it, like I can't focus on it. I have
a hard time doing podcasts because I want something visual
to see. And so it really like pained me that
I felt like such a hypocrite having a podcast that
didn't have a visual element for people who are like me.
Now I do. Yeah, whoa, I'm so excited for that.
(08:01):
It's been a long time coming. And I think that
I am changing enough of enough things in my life
to be able to really appreciate what I'm doing and
being able to see myself, which is really hard. But
being able to see myself and like reflect on things
(08:26):
is going to be so helpful for me. Like keeping
everybody else out of it is going to be really
helpful for me, and I hope that it's helpful for
everybody else. But yeah, this is really awesome and great changes.
I'm really excited for our path forward. I'm going to be,
you know, changing the website little by little. Also there's
(08:49):
gonna be more content on the Instagram and everything. Like,
it's just going to be such a good, like move forward.
It's going to be so helpful to me, and it's
going to be hopefully able to spread the podcast further.
And I'm really excited about that, you guys, I really am.
(09:14):
But on that vein of talking about change, I want
to also talk about some of the changes that kind
of made this change happen. I've been really fortunate to
have like part time work the entire time that I've
been going through chemotherapy and cancer treatments all of that,
(09:38):
and it's been really minimal part time work. But it's
been really maximal I don't know if that's the term
I should use, but it's been really great and expansive
for me because I've learned so much in just a
few years, even just doing at part time. I've learned
(10:02):
a lot about marketing. I've learned a lot about copywriting.
I mean, I've definitely leveled up myself in terms of
like career wise, what I'm trying to achieve, and like
the path that I want to take. I think that
a lot of the things that I've learned have now
(10:23):
helped me with the podcast. A lot of the things
that I've learned have now helped me with figuring out
next steps for myself. And I'm really really grateful to Abby.
She's my boss at Belief Statements. She's really helped me
so much. And I also I'm really grateful to Jason
(10:45):
because he's the reason I know Abby, and he is
what the person who got me to start doing the podcast.
He's the person that keeps pushing me to do the
things that I want to do instead of just doing
things to survive. I think, for the first time in
my life, I'm making choices and changes to try and
(11:06):
thrive in my life instead of just surviving. And it's
it's a hard change. I'm not going to lie to you.
I think that most of my life, when major change
has happened, it's been thrust upon me in good ways
and in bad ways. But I think that it's never
(11:26):
been something that came from a particular decision that I made.
It was more like decisions that I had to make,
if that makes any sense. I take full ownership and
like responsibility for the choices that I've made in my life,
but a lot of them were kind of urged to me,
(11:51):
nudged to me. I mean, I went from high school
thinking I have no idea what I'm going to do
with the rest of my life too. I'm going to
go to culinary school. I went from culinary school to
I'm going to move to California and be support for
my aunt and her son. I'm going to start looking
(12:15):
at different options for different jobs that I could possibly do,
because I don't want to do cooking anymore. I worked
at a hospital within the culinary realm sort of but
in more of a managerial position, and I was like,
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do
this anymore. And I lost my job and I had
(12:41):
to readjust and figure out something else. And so I
was just applying to whatever I could, and I got
a job working within the mental health space, and that
felt good for me because I felt like I was
making some sort of impact. And I realized that my
(13:04):
journey was all about trying to find a pathway to
making impact, find a pathway to helping other people in
any way that I could, And so that took me
down this path towards sober living facility and crisis center
(13:25):
where I worked here in Utah. I moved to Utah
because of a major change in my life, which was
my decision ultimately, but was kind of pushed on to
me by the relationship that I was in. And all
of these changes, all of these decisions were ones that
(13:46):
I made, but it felt like it wasn't my choice.
Does that make any sense? I feel like sometimes when
I say things, I'm like, I don't know if I
get it anymore? Does anybody ever feel like that you're
just talking about something that you know what you're talking about,
(14:09):
you do or you did, and then you say it
out loud and you're like, wait, what what did I
just say? That happens to me all the time because
I know, I know it made sense here, but me
trying to communicate it to other people, not the move
because it didn't work and I don't know how to
fix it because now I just sound like a crazy person.
(14:32):
That was totally off topic. But anyway, anyway, I do
feel that for the first time in my life since
being here, which felt like a decision I made for myself,
it did, and then I got you know, cancer, and
(14:52):
had to go through all of that, which was a
bunch of decisions I had to make, not decisions I
wanted to make necessarily, And so I feel very strongly
that for the first time in my life, I'm making
decisions based off of what I want to do, not
(15:15):
what I have to do. And I also have been
working with somebody, a peer guide so to speak, peer
coach on what I have trouble with, and the thing
I have the most trouble with is making decisions. I've
known this for a while about myself because I have
(15:35):
a hard time making decisions on where I want to
eat food, which seemed really minimal and like not a
big deal before, but now I'm realizing it's part of
a bigger problem of like genuinely not being able to
make major decisions in my life because I am so
caught in this idea of like the consequences of those decisions.
(15:58):
Like even with food. It's like, if I'm with somebody
and they're like, what do you want to eat, I'm
nervous and scared to say something I do want to
eat because I'm worried that I'll say what I want
to eat and get excited about it in saying it,
and the other person will either agree but they don't
actually want to have that, which is crazy to say
(16:23):
out loud, but they'll agree to go to that place
because they see that I'm excited about it, but they
don't actually want that. So then I think that I'm
being rude, I guess, or selfish in going to that
place when they don't actually want that, or worse that
(16:46):
they'll say no, I don't want that, and then I'm like, Okay,
well what do you want? And they're like I don't know,
like oh, and it gives me anxiety, it really does.
And so I just don't even think about what I
want anymore, which is crazy. And I can't even really
think about like what do I want to eat? Sometimes
(17:08):
I have a general idea, but it's not like, oh,
I want to go to Taco bell or oh I
want to go to get pizza, Like I don't have
that I have like I want something that's not too
difficult to pick up. I want something that is gonna
(17:32):
be spicy. Like it's it's very generic, it's very broad,
which is not super helpful for people who are trying
to decide food ideas, which is I mean, And it
also might come from to like me eating at home
so much that now like getting fast food is like
(17:52):
I have no idea. I kind of just eat what
I have, and the idea that we have so many
ours is overwhelming. But it leads into that bigger issue
of not really knowing what I want truly, because that
is at the bottom of my priority list. What I want,
(18:16):
what I desire all the way at the bottom of
the barrel, because there's so many other needs and priorities
above that in my head of like Okay, if I
decide to do this, these are the consequences that could
come from it. Does that outweigh the benefits for not
me other people, which is insane insane. Like one of
(18:42):
the major decisions I'm trying to like work through right
now is I have decided and planned to go to
Italy this year. That is happening. That is happening. But
after that, when I get back home, I kind of
want to make the decision of moving out. And I
(19:05):
had originally planned that I would move out to somewhere
else in Utah and be here for a little bit,
But now these other things that I have in the
works are happening in other places, Like there's a possibility
of something happening in Atlanta for me, there's possibilities in Bentonville,
which is where Jason recently moved to. And so I'm
(19:31):
like trying to piece together what we're going to do,
like what I'm going to do, what I'm going to choose,
because outside of my desire to live in Washington, I
just don't even know what I want to do with
moving And I think that I've come to a conclusion,
but it's all still kind of in the air. Based
(19:52):
off of other people right now. So I'm trying to
figure it out, I really am. And it's part of
the process of working on this decision paralysis that I've
got going on. It's part of the process of you know,
putting my needs in priorities at the top of my
(20:14):
list instead of at the bottom. It's all a work
in progress, and it's all centered around this idea of
making changes to my life that are true decisions, true
choices that I'm making instead of things just kind of
happening to me. Because when things just kind of happen
(20:36):
to me and things don't work out, I feel very
strongly and very angrily that like, well, this isn't my fault,
and that's not like a healthy way to live. I
don't think blaming other people, blaming life, blaming God about
(20:57):
things that were out of my control at the time
is just not healthy and it's not gonna benefit me
in the long run, you know. So all that to say,
big changes are happening, and I think that change is
(21:18):
something that is inevitable in anybody's life and everybody's life.
I mean, I've been going through grief over someone very
close and very special to me, somebody who is basically
like a father, and that is something that definitely happened
to us, happened to me, and I think that it's
(21:43):
one of those things that happened to literally everybody in
life grief, whether it's losing someone or losing something. And
I talked about this on one of my previous episodes
a little bit. But what that goes hand in hand
with is change. Everybody experiences change in their life, big changes,
(22:07):
little changes, adjustments, things that they decided for themselves, things
that happened to them all over the place. One second, Ooh,
(22:27):
that was great. Love that anyway, change happens for everybody,
(22:49):
And I think for me in my situation, what it
makes me think of is the fact that we all
are told that change is good or change is unavoidable,
but we aren't really given the tools necessarily of how
(23:11):
to deal with change, how to accept change that's happening,
how to accept change that's happening. I think most of
us in the world just kind of figure something out
when we're young, and we keep just kind of figure
something out when we're young, and we keep adjusting, we
(23:35):
keep changing, and we keep like doing what feels good
for us. And sometimes it's a healthy coping mechanism and
sometimes it's not. I think, for me, a lot of
times when change is happening, I shut down a little
bit emotionally because I don't want to get overly emotional
(23:56):
about things that are changing, because a lot of the
changes in my life have been really difficult, really hard.
So I think, if I'm being completely honest, change has
always been something that I've handled, not well and not
(24:19):
in super dramatic ways necessarily, but in definitely like unhealthy
manners for myself. Because then two years, three years later,
I'm having this emotional upheaval of all of the changes
that happened in that time, and it takes me out,
(24:40):
takes me out for like I don't know, several days.
Sometimes it compounds enough that it's stressed, like a lot
of stress on my body, and so then my loopus
starts to show its face and is like, hey, girl,
you're not going to get out of bed for like
(25:01):
two weeks. Good luck. And so I for me, over
the course of my life, I've come to a place,
especially right now, where there's change after change after change
that's happening for me. I've come to a place and
I've come to a decision for myself that I'm going
(25:25):
to work through that and I'm going to deal with
the stress of it in the moment, because waiting until
later is not going to benefit me, and it's not
going to benefit anybody else. Like I do so many
things to protect so many other people around me, and
it's like, who asked me to do that? Nobody, Nobody
(25:45):
asked me to do that. I do it out of
like habit, force of habit, because I used to do
that before, when I was a kid. I did that
for the sake of other people around me, And it's
like nobody's asking me to do that anymore. Nobody's expecting
that of me, and if they are, who cares. Like
(26:09):
everybody around me at this point are grown adults outside
of Patrick, who all continue to do certain things for
that I wouldn't do for other people. But like even that,
like he's my brother, he's not my son, He's not
fully my responsibility in that manner, and so there's only
(26:30):
so much that I should be expected to do, and
there's only so much that I should take hold of
doing for other people, And man, it would be such
a weight off my shoulders. I remember there's in New Girl,
this TV show that I used to watch all the time,
there was a scene that kind of popped up on
(26:53):
my feed recently where one of the characters, Schmidt, who
is pretty well known to be a jerk in a
lot of situations. He like, is talking to the main
character Jessica, where he says something I think he says
(27:16):
something like, so you like think about other people's feelings
all day long, like how what you do affects other
people all the time. And she's like yeah, and he
goes that's crazy or like that's exhausting because and like
it's supposed to be this funny moment of like, wow,
he's so inconsiderate, But the reality of it is is that,
(27:39):
like why why do we do that? Like there's one
it's one thing to be considerate of other people around
you in certain situations. Obviously it's important to be respectful
to other people around you if they deserve that, But like,
(27:59):
why do we put so many other people before ourselves?
Like we strive so hard to be unselfish, to be
not selfish. I don't remember, I don't I can't think
of the word, but to be not selfish and That's
definitely something I've tried to do my entire life is
not be selfish. And it's like putting into our minds
(28:26):
that we are not allowed to think of ourselves first,
which is like the like self preservation, you know what
I mean, Like it should be an initial reaction to
think about yourself before others. Like you're on the you're
on the plane. You're on the plane and it's gonna crash.
(28:50):
They tell you to put an oxygen mask on you
first before worrying about somebody else, even children. So like
it's all about self preservation, And so why am I
giving and making sure everybody else has an oxygen mask?
And then by the time I actually think about myself,
there's none left. Why do I do that? Why do
(29:12):
we do that? It's crazy? And I'm working so hard
to try and change that. I'm working so hard to
make changes for myself, and I just wanted to share
that that's kind of what my path is right now
is I'm making changes and making decisions based off of
(29:34):
what I want, based off of what I need, based
off of like my dreams and my hopes and my desires,
Like it's about me and it can be about me,
and that's okay that it's about me right now. There's
(29:56):
so much that's going on in my life and and
the lives of people around me, and I'm constantly worried
and constantly thinking about what I can do to help,
what I can like fix. And I was talking to
somebody about this last night of like, it's not my
job to fix things for other people, it's not. I
(30:20):
need to worry about myself and I need to figure
out what I can do for me to protect myself.
And it's really hard, it's really hard to make that
choice and make that decision for myself, but I think
I need to. There's so many, so many moments in
(30:42):
the last several months that I have been trying to
be there and trying to like help everyone else and
and I take a second to take care of myself.
(31:03):
I've been like, I've been told that I'm being selfish
or I've been told that I'm being inconsiderate, which are
things that I've been scared to be called my entire life.
And in that moment when I was called that, I
was like, I am not. I know I'm not, and
(31:24):
I'm so angry that somebody would say that to me.
But it made me realize that, like, I can do
everything that I possibly can think of to be there
for other people, and it could be perceived differently no
matter what I do. So why am I killing myself
(31:46):
to be considerate, to be not so selfish all of
those things when I could still be perceived as selfish,
I could still be perceived as inconsiderate. So I think
what it means for me is that I will still
be who I am, which is a kind and generous person.
(32:10):
But I also need to think about me like I
need to put that back towards myself, which you know,
maybe I'm saying this and people are like, well, yeah, duh,
Like obviously you should do that. But what I'm hoping
is that the people that feel the same way as
(32:31):
me will hear this and be like, you know what,
You're right, you know what, Let's do this together, because
I don't want to do this by myself. This major
change to how I act in certain situations, this major
change to my life. Let's do it together, you guys.
I mean that so wholeheartedly. I don't think that this
(32:56):
is something that's going to happen overnight. I don't think
that tomorrow, I'm going to be doing everything for myself
and actually remembering to eat at the right time is
remembering to take my meds, remembering to do everything I need.
But also I think that tomorrow I can make certain
(33:19):
changes to what I do so that I can set
myself up better in the future. I can make plans,
I can make adjustments, I can demand more for myself.
I wrote a LinkedIn post that was about asking for
a raise, and it came from this little snippet that
(33:41):
I saw from Ellen Pompeo, Love Love Ellen Pompeo, where
she was so real and visceral in this clip where
she was like, if you aren't willing to walk out
the door after like when you don't get the raise
(34:02):
that you're asking for, or don't get the like things
that you're asking for, if you're not willing to walk
out the door, then you're going to continue to be undervalued,
Like you're going to continue to not be paid what
you deserve. And like she she said that, and I
was like, damn, Like she's so right. I have spent
(34:26):
my entire life nervous to ask for what I want,
nervous to do when I want, nervous to, you know,
try for what I want because I feel like I'll
be told no, and then what am I going to
do after that? Then then I'm going to keep working there?
(34:47):
And I have I've done that where I've asked for
a raise and I've been told no, and I've continued
to work there because what am I going to do?
Quit and go somewhere else, maybe not get a job
for another not have income because you need to have money.
I needed to have money because money is a necessity.
(35:09):
But like, honestly, honestly, for real, for real, I'm not
doing that anymore. It's ridiculous. It's so stupid to stay
at a place out of fear of not getting another
job somewhere else. And I'm not saying that the fear
(35:31):
is stupid. I'm not saying that, Like it's ridiculous that
people would be scared to not find another job. I
think it's ridiculous that we have to be scared that
we might not find another job, that we have to
stay at places that are, you know, undervaluing us as individuals.
It's absolutely asinine, and I I'm not going to do
(35:56):
it anymore. I've been really blessed and really lucky to
find employment with people who will value me, who will
take my needs into consideration and actually care what happens
to me. And part of that is because they're people
that I know personally. Part of that is because we've
(36:17):
had conversations about you know, me not valuing myself and
then telling me, like, you need to value yourself, Like
I I think that for the first time in my life,
I'm working with a group of people who are considerate
and caring and exactly the kind of people that I
(36:40):
want to work with. It's not a toxic environment. It's
not tainted by greed or just like unprofessionalism, like it's
actually professional, it's actually caring, it's actually kind, actually wants
to put good change in the world. Like it's incredible.
(37:02):
It makes me emotional because it's like all that I've
wanted to do my entire life and it's finally happening
for me. And I am so excited, you guys, I'm
so excited and ready. I'm ready for this change. I'm
ready for everything to become what I've always wanted I am.
(37:31):
And one of the things that I really, really, really
really want is I want everyone who listens to this
podcast which I also want to be more people. By
the way, I'm trying to get more listeners because I'm
trying to spread the word. But I really genuinely want
(37:57):
everybody who hears this podcast to think on this and
be able to have a small change in their life. Big, small, tiny, minuscule,
but a small change that pushes them into the next
level of who they know themselves to be. I want
(38:21):
this small change, this big change, this minuscule change, to
be something that makes them think, for the first time
or the last time, I'm going to do something for myself.
I'm going to do something to push myself up to
(38:43):
be who I want to be right now. I don't
care how big the change is. I don't care the
steps that they have to take to get there. I
just want the people who listen to this to be
able to accept that for themselves and go on this
journey with me, because I don't want to do it
by myself. I will if I have to, better, believe,
(39:07):
but I don't want to. I want to do this
with everybody. I want everybody to come along on this
ride with me, and I want everybody to get something
out of this, because that's what I do this for
genuinely anyway. All of that being said, lots of changes happening,
lots of changes coming up. I'm hoping that throughout this
(39:31):
season there will be many different guests that we already
have a few lined up for the podcast, and I'm
really excited about it. And by the end of the season,
which will end in the beginning of October when I
leave for my Italy trip, will start doing some really
(39:51):
exciting things for you guys. I'm going to keep some
things under wraps because I got to keep you guys
on your toes like I have and already with my
crazy flip flopping. But a lot of changes happening, a
lot of good change is happening, And even though things
(40:11):
have been really really hard with some of the not
so good changes, at the end of the day, I
think that there's still some good to be had in
those and some things that I've learned and some good
times that I've had with my family, and I think
(40:33):
that it's definitely what It's definitely what the people that
I've lost would want for me, is these good changes
and this good move forward in my life. But thank
you guys so much for listening. You can catch any
(40:57):
of the show notes for the podcast on the dash
Mariah dash Effects dot com. You can also follow us
on Instagram, on TikTok, I'm gonna be posting more on
TikTok as well, and yeah, all of the things. If
you want more information, if you want to reach out
(41:18):
to me, go ahead and do that on the dash
Maria dash effect dot com. And I'm so happy, Thank
you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time. Bye.
Hey, everybody, welcome back to the Maria Effect. I'm Mariah.
Let's dive in. So I know it's been a little
bit of time. There has been a lot of changes
and a lot of moving parts in my life that
have made it very difficult to record. But I am back,
(00:25):
and I think that as kind of an introduction to
this new era for the Maria Effect, I think it's
only fitting to have an episode that's totally just about change.
If you listen to some of my most recent episodes,
(00:48):
I was talking primarily about, you know, all the new
things that are happening in my life, and the most
recent one was talking about some of the sad new
things that are happening that have happened in my life now.
And one of those things that has been going on,
(01:10):
and the reason why I took kind of a break
was because I was grieving. I still am grieving, and
I'm just kind of trying to find my rhythm again,
or finding a new rhythm, probably because I've spent so
long trying to, you know, adjust to new realities that
(01:36):
now I want to create a new reality for myself.
And so with that, let's just start talking about some changes.
First of all, I want to talk about a major
change for the Maria Effect. It's a good thing, don't worry.
(01:56):
It's a good thing. Is that I am now working
with a team of people and we're going to try
and make things a little bit easier for me and
also more streamlined and consistent for you. Because I've definitely
kept dropping the ball and it's a lot of work
(02:17):
for one person to do. I know that there's plenty
of people who are doing it all by themselves and
dedicate themselves to this, and I applaud them because I
have been trying and I've been failing. And one of
the things that is great about failing this is a
conversation I actually had last night. One of the great
(02:38):
things about failing is being able to push through that
and find something different or improving on what you were
failing at. And I think the reality is is that
I don't want to let alone if I can or
can't do it by myself, I don't want to do
this by myself. I think I have a lot of
(03:01):
different things that are going on in my life, work opportunities,
exciting things personally, like I don't have the time and
I don't have the brain, the brain bandwidth to handle
all of it all at the same time, all by myself.
So I'm so grateful and so happy to have help.
(03:24):
It's going to be a huge load off my shoulders.
And I think it'll be really great for you guys
because you'll actually get consistent content from me. So that's
one of the great things that's going on. Another good
change is because of that, I've been given some really
(03:44):
good advice on how consistently I should be doing the
podcast and when post when I should be posting and everything,
so I know I keep changing it you guys. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to keep up with everything going on in
my life. And I really just am so grateful and
thankful to the people that are just consistently right or
(04:07):
die for me and willing to go through all these changes.
And if you're new to the channel, if you're new
to the podcast, don't worry about it. Don't worry about
what I'm talking about necessarily about changes, because this is
going to be what it is moving forward. But we
(04:30):
are going to be doing a podcast episode every other week,
once a week, and they're going to be longer episodes
like I did before. The reason that the major reason
that I changed it initially from longer episodes to shorter
episodes was because I was having a hard time with
listening to myself for forty five minutes. Not because you know,
(04:55):
I don't think that it's good content or anything like that.
I think what I have to say is important, and
I think that you definitely could benefit from listening to
some of the things that I have to share. And
I think there's value in this. It's just when you're
the one who is giving, you know, talking about everything
(05:16):
and giving the advice or the stories, the compassion, when
you're sharing all of that and then have to listen
to it again and then have to listen to it
again and again and again for editing's sake. It's just
really dreaming, and it's a lot. It's a lot because
(05:39):
I go through second by second, minute by minute trying
to make it more put together. I don't know, I
think the raw, the raw version of myself is sometimes
not as professional because I have filler words, or I
(06:00):
stumble sometimes and I ramble, and so I try and
make it more concise and more put together. And yeah,
it's it's difficult, but now I'm using better equipment. I'm
using better software. I kind of used a variety of
(06:22):
different things because it was the free option. Now I
don't have to worry about that. Thank God, Thank everyone
around me who's helped me get to this point. But yeah,
so it's going to be a lot easier for me
to edit. It's gonna be easier for the other people
who are helping me edit. And yeah, another big change.
(06:47):
Oh gosh, another big change that we're going to be
doing is if you are watching this, then you'll already
see But because I'm using some new software, I'm actually
gonna be able to do video content as well, and
it'll be edited with the audio instead of separately. Because
(07:11):
that was a huge headache to try and figure out,
which is why I never really did the video parts.
Which is really great because then I can reach different audiences.
I know, for me specifically, I have a really hard
time listening, just listening to things, Like I'm a huge reader,
and I can't do audio books because I can't stick
(07:35):
to it, like I can't focus on it. I have
a hard time doing podcasts because I want something visual
to see. And so it really like pained me that
I felt like such a hypocrite having a podcast that
didn't have a visual element for people who are like me.
Now I do. Yeah, whoa, I'm so excited for that.
(08:01):
It's been a long time coming. And I think that
I am changing enough of enough things in my life
to be able to really appreciate what I'm doing and
being able to see myself, which is really hard. But
being able to see myself and like reflect on things
(08:26):
is going to be so helpful for me. Like keeping
everybody else out of it is going to be really
helpful for me, and I hope that it's helpful for
everybody else. But yeah, this is really awesome and great changes.
I'm really excited for our path forward. I'm going to be,
you know, changing the website little by little. Also there's
(08:49):
gonna be more content on the Instagram and everything. Like,
it's just going to be such a good, like move forward.
It's going to be so helpful to me, and it's
going to be hopefully able to spread the podcast further.
And I'm really excited about that, you guys, I really am.
(09:14):
But on that vein of talking about change, I want
to also talk about some of the changes that kind
of made this change happen. I've been really fortunate to
have like part time work the entire time that I've
been going through chemotherapy and cancer treatments all of that,
(09:38):
and it's been really minimal part time work. But it's
been really maximal I don't know if that's the term
I should use, but it's been really great and expansive
for me because I've learned so much in just a
few years, even just doing at part time. I've learned
(10:02):
a lot about marketing. I've learned a lot about copywriting.
I mean, I've definitely leveled up myself in terms of
like career wise, what I'm trying to achieve, and like
the path that I want to take. I think that
a lot of the things that I've learned have now
(10:23):
helped me with the podcast. A lot of the things
that I've learned have now helped me with figuring out
next steps for myself. And I'm really really grateful to Abby.
She's my boss at Belief Statements. She's really helped me
so much. And I also I'm really grateful to Jason
(10:45):
because he's the reason I know Abby, and he is
what the person who got me to start doing the podcast.
He's the person that keeps pushing me to do the
things that I want to do instead of just doing
things to survive. I think, for the first time in
my life, I'm making choices and changes to try and
(11:06):
thrive in my life instead of just surviving. And it's
it's a hard change. I'm not going to lie to you.
I think that most of my life, when major change
has happened, it's been thrust upon me in good ways
and in bad ways. But I think that it's never
(11:26):
been something that came from a particular decision that I made.
It was more like decisions that I had to make,
if that makes any sense. I take full ownership and
like responsibility for the choices that I've made in my life,
but a lot of them were kind of urged to me,
(11:51):
nudged to me. I mean, I went from high school
thinking I have no idea what I'm going to do
with the rest of my life too. I'm going to
go to culinary school. I went from culinary school to
I'm going to move to California and be support for
my aunt and her son. I'm going to start looking
(12:15):
at different options for different jobs that I could possibly do,
because I don't want to do cooking anymore. I worked
at a hospital within the culinary realm sort of but
in more of a managerial position, and I was like,
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do
this anymore. And I lost my job and I had
(12:41):
to readjust and figure out something else. And so I
was just applying to whatever I could, and I got
a job working within the mental health space, and that
felt good for me because I felt like I was
making some sort of impact. And I realized that my
(13:04):
journey was all about trying to find a pathway to
making impact, find a pathway to helping other people in
any way that I could, And so that took me
down this path towards sober living facility and crisis center
(13:25):
where I worked here in Utah. I moved to Utah
because of a major change in my life, which was
my decision ultimately, but was kind of pushed on to
me by the relationship that I was in. And all
of these changes, all of these decisions were ones that
(13:46):
I made, but it felt like it wasn't my choice.
Does that make any sense? I feel like sometimes when
I say things, I'm like, I don't know if I
get it anymore? Does anybody ever feel like that you're
just talking about something that you know what you're talking about,
(14:09):
you do or you did, and then you say it
out loud and you're like, wait, what what did I
just say? That happens to me all the time because
I know, I know it made sense here, but me
trying to communicate it to other people, not the move
because it didn't work and I don't know how to
fix it because now I just sound like a crazy person.
(14:32):
That was totally off topic. But anyway, anyway, I do
feel that for the first time in my life since
being here, which felt like a decision I made for myself,
it did, and then I got you know, cancer, and
(14:52):
had to go through all of that, which was a
bunch of decisions I had to make, not decisions I
wanted to make necessarily, And so I feel very strongly
that for the first time in my life, I'm making
decisions based off of what I want to do, not
(15:15):
what I have to do. And I also have been
working with somebody, a peer guide so to speak, peer
coach on what I have trouble with, and the thing
I have the most trouble with is making decisions. I've
known this for a while about myself because I have
(15:35):
a hard time making decisions on where I want to
eat food, which seemed really minimal and like not a
big deal before, but now I'm realizing it's part of
a bigger problem of like genuinely not being able to
make major decisions in my life because I am so
caught in this idea of like the consequences of those decisions.
(15:58):
Like even with food. It's like, if I'm with somebody
and they're like, what do you want to eat, I'm
nervous and scared to say something I do want to
eat because I'm worried that I'll say what I want
to eat and get excited about it in saying it,
and the other person will either agree but they don't
actually want to have that, which is crazy to say
(16:23):
out loud, but they'll agree to go to that place
because they see that I'm excited about it, but they
don't actually want that. So then I think that I'm
being rude, I guess, or selfish in going to that
place when they don't actually want that, or worse that
(16:46):
they'll say no, I don't want that, and then I'm like, Okay,
well what do you want? And they're like I don't know,
like oh, and it gives me anxiety, it really does.
And so I just don't even think about what I
want anymore, which is crazy. And I can't even really
think about like what do I want to eat? Sometimes
(17:08):
I have a general idea, but it's not like, oh,
I want to go to Taco bell or oh I
want to go to get pizza, Like I don't have
that I have like I want something that's not too
difficult to pick up. I want something that is gonna
(17:32):
be spicy. Like it's it's very generic, it's very broad,
which is not super helpful for people who are trying
to decide food ideas, which is I mean, And it
also might come from to like me eating at home
so much that now like getting fast food is like
(17:52):
I have no idea. I kind of just eat what
I have, and the idea that we have so many
ours is overwhelming. But it leads into that bigger issue
of not really knowing what I want truly, because that
is at the bottom of my priority list. What I want,
(18:16):
what I desire all the way at the bottom of
the barrel, because there's so many other needs and priorities
above that in my head of like Okay, if I
decide to do this, these are the consequences that could
come from it. Does that outweigh the benefits for not
me other people, which is insane insane. Like one of
(18:42):
the major decisions I'm trying to like work through right
now is I have decided and planned to go to
Italy this year. That is happening. That is happening. But
after that, when I get back home, I kind of
want to make the decision of moving out. And I
(19:05):
had originally planned that I would move out to somewhere
else in Utah and be here for a little bit,
But now these other things that I have in the
works are happening in other places, Like there's a possibility
of something happening in Atlanta for me, there's possibilities in Bentonville,
which is where Jason recently moved to. And so I'm
(19:31):
like trying to piece together what we're going to do,
like what I'm going to do, what I'm going to choose,
because outside of my desire to live in Washington, I
just don't even know what I want to do with
moving And I think that I've come to a conclusion,
but it's all still kind of in the air. Based
(19:52):
off of other people right now. So I'm trying to
figure it out, I really am. And it's part of
the process of working on this decision paralysis that I've
got going on. It's part of the process of you know,
putting my needs in priorities at the top of my
(20:14):
list instead of at the bottom. It's all a work
in progress, and it's all centered around this idea of
making changes to my life that are true decisions, true
choices that I'm making instead of things just kind of
happening to me. Because when things just kind of happen
(20:36):
to me and things don't work out, I feel very
strongly and very angrily that like, well, this isn't my fault,
and that's not like a healthy way to live. I
don't think blaming other people, blaming life, blaming God about
(20:57):
things that were out of my control at the time
is just not healthy and it's not gonna benefit me
in the long run, you know. So all that to say,
big changes are happening, and I think that change is
(21:18):
something that is inevitable in anybody's life and everybody's life.
I mean, I've been going through grief over someone very
close and very special to me, somebody who is basically
like a father, and that is something that definitely happened
to us, happened to me, and I think that it's
(21:43):
one of those things that happened to literally everybody in
life grief, whether it's losing someone or losing something. And
I talked about this on one of my previous episodes
a little bit. But what that goes hand in hand
with is change. Everybody experiences change in their life, big changes,
(22:07):
little changes, adjustments, things that they decided for themselves, things
that happened to them all over the place. One second, Ooh,
(22:27):
that was great. Love that anyway, change happens for everybody,
(22:49):
And I think for me in my situation, what it
makes me think of is the fact that we all
are told that change is good or change is unavoidable,
but we aren't really given the tools necessarily of how
(23:11):
to deal with change, how to accept change that's happening,
how to accept change that's happening. I think most of
us in the world just kind of figure something out
when we're young, and we keep just kind of figure
something out when we're young, and we keep adjusting, we
(23:35):
keep changing, and we keep like doing what feels good
for us. And sometimes it's a healthy coping mechanism and
sometimes it's not. I think, for me, a lot of
times when change is happening, I shut down a little
bit emotionally because I don't want to get overly emotional
(23:56):
about things that are changing, because a lot of the
changes in my life have been really difficult, really hard.
So I think, if I'm being completely honest, change has
always been something that I've handled, not well and not
(24:19):
in super dramatic ways necessarily, but in definitely like unhealthy
manners for myself. Because then two years, three years later,
I'm having this emotional upheaval of all of the changes
that happened in that time, and it takes me out,
(24:40):
takes me out for like I don't know, several days.
Sometimes it compounds enough that it's stressed, like a lot
of stress on my body, and so then my loopus
starts to show its face and is like, hey, girl,
you're not going to get out of bed for like
(25:01):
two weeks. Good luck. And so I for me, over
the course of my life, I've come to a place,
especially right now, where there's change after change after change
that's happening for me. I've come to a place and
I've come to a decision for myself that I'm going
(25:25):
to work through that and I'm going to deal with
the stress of it in the moment, because waiting until
later is not going to benefit me, and it's not
going to benefit anybody else. Like I do so many
things to protect so many other people around me, and
it's like, who asked me to do that? Nobody, Nobody
(25:45):
asked me to do that. I do it out of
like habit, force of habit, because I used to do
that before, when I was a kid. I did that
for the sake of other people around me, And it's
like nobody's asking me to do that anymore. Nobody's expecting
that of me, and if they are, who cares. Like
(26:09):
everybody around me at this point are grown adults outside
of Patrick, who all continue to do certain things for
that I wouldn't do for other people. But like even that,
like he's my brother, he's not my son, He's not
fully my responsibility in that manner, and so there's only
(26:30):
so much that I should be expected to do, and
there's only so much that I should take hold of
doing for other people, And man, it would be such
a weight off my shoulders. I remember there's in New Girl,
this TV show that I used to watch all the time,
there was a scene that kind of popped up on
(26:53):
my feed recently where one of the characters, Schmidt, who
is pretty well known to be a jerk in a
lot of situations. He like, is talking to the main
character Jessica, where he says something I think he says
(27:16):
something like, so you like think about other people's feelings
all day long, like how what you do affects other
people all the time. And she's like yeah, and he
goes that's crazy or like that's exhausting because and like
it's supposed to be this funny moment of like, wow,
he's so inconsiderate, But the reality of it is is that,
(27:39):
like why why do we do that? Like there's one
it's one thing to be considerate of other people around
you in certain situations. Obviously it's important to be respectful
to other people around you if they deserve that, But like,
(27:59):
why do we put so many other people before ourselves?
Like we strive so hard to be unselfish, to be
not selfish. I don't remember, I don't I can't think
of the word, but to be not selfish and That's
definitely something I've tried to do my entire life is
not be selfish. And it's like putting into our minds
(28:26):
that we are not allowed to think of ourselves first,
which is like the like self preservation, you know what
I mean, Like it should be an initial reaction to
think about yourself before others. Like you're on the you're
on the plane. You're on the plane and it's gonna crash.
(28:50):
They tell you to put an oxygen mask on you
first before worrying about somebody else, even children. So like
it's all about self preservation, And so why am I
giving and making sure everybody else has an oxygen mask?
And then by the time I actually think about myself,
there's none left. Why do I do that? Why do
(29:12):
we do that? It's crazy? And I'm working so hard
to try and change that. I'm working so hard to
make changes for myself, and I just wanted to share
that that's kind of what my path is right now
is I'm making changes and making decisions based off of
(29:34):
what I want, based off of what I need, based
off of like my dreams and my hopes and my desires,
Like it's about me and it can be about me,
and that's okay that it's about me right now. There's
(29:56):
so much that's going on in my life and and
the lives of people around me, and I'm constantly worried
and constantly thinking about what I can do to help,
what I can like fix. And I was talking to
somebody about this last night of like, it's not my
job to fix things for other people, it's not. I
(30:20):
need to worry about myself and I need to figure
out what I can do for me to protect myself.
And it's really hard, it's really hard to make that
choice and make that decision for myself, but I think
I need to. There's so many, so many moments in
(30:42):
the last several months that I have been trying to
be there and trying to like help everyone else and
and I take a second to take care of myself.
(31:03):
I've been like, I've been told that I'm being selfish
or I've been told that I'm being inconsiderate, which are
things that I've been scared to be called my entire life.
And in that moment when I was called that, I
was like, I am not. I know I'm not, and
(31:24):
I'm so angry that somebody would say that to me.
But it made me realize that, like, I can do
everything that I possibly can think of to be there
for other people, and it could be perceived differently no
matter what I do. So why am I killing myself
(31:46):
to be considerate, to be not so selfish all of
those things when I could still be perceived as selfish,
I could still be perceived as inconsiderate. So I think
what it means for me is that I will still
be who I am, which is a kind and generous person.
(32:10):
But I also need to think about me like I
need to put that back towards myself, which you know,
maybe I'm saying this and people are like, well, yeah, duh,
Like obviously you should do that. But what I'm hoping
is that the people that feel the same way as
(32:31):
me will hear this and be like, you know what,
You're right, you know what, Let's do this together, because
I don't want to do this by myself. This major
change to how I act in certain situations, this major
change to my life. Let's do it together, you guys.
I mean that so wholeheartedly. I don't think that this
(32:56):
is something that's going to happen overnight. I don't think
that tomorrow, I'm going to be doing everything for myself
and actually remembering to eat at the right time is
remembering to take my meds, remembering to do everything I need.
But also I think that tomorrow I can make certain
(33:19):
changes to what I do so that I can set
myself up better in the future. I can make plans,
I can make adjustments, I can demand more for myself.
I wrote a LinkedIn post that was about asking for
a raise, and it came from this little snippet that
(33:41):
I saw from Ellen Pompeo, Love Love Ellen Pompeo, where
she was so real and visceral in this clip where
she was like, if you aren't willing to walk out
the door after like when you don't get the raise
(34:02):
that you're asking for, or don't get the like things
that you're asking for, if you're not willing to walk
out the door, then you're going to continue to be undervalued,
Like you're going to continue to not be paid what
you deserve. And like she she said that, and I
was like, damn, Like she's so right. I have spent
(34:26):
my entire life nervous to ask for what I want,
nervous to do when I want, nervous to, you know,
try for what I want because I feel like I'll
be told no, and then what am I going to
do after that? Then then I'm going to keep working there?
(34:47):
And I have I've done that where I've asked for
a raise and I've been told no, and I've continued
to work there because what am I going to do?
Quit and go somewhere else, maybe not get a job
for another not have income because you need to have money.
I needed to have money because money is a necessity.
(35:09):
But like, honestly, honestly, for real, for real, I'm not
doing that anymore. It's ridiculous. It's so stupid to stay
at a place out of fear of not getting another
job somewhere else. And I'm not saying that the fear
(35:31):
is stupid. I'm not saying that, Like it's ridiculous that
people would be scared to not find another job. I
think it's ridiculous that we have to be scared that
we might not find another job, that we have to
stay at places that are, you know, undervaluing us as individuals.
It's absolutely asinine, and I I'm not going to do
(35:56):
it anymore. I've been really blessed and really lucky to
find employment with people who will value me, who will
take my needs into consideration and actually care what happens
to me. And part of that is because they're people
that I know personally. Part of that is because we've
(36:17):
had conversations about you know, me not valuing myself and
then telling me, like, you need to value yourself, Like
I I think that for the first time in my life,
I'm working with a group of people who are considerate
and caring and exactly the kind of people that I
(36:40):
want to work with. It's not a toxic environment. It's
not tainted by greed or just like unprofessionalism, like it's
actually professional, it's actually caring, it's actually kind, actually wants
to put good change in the world. Like it's incredible.
(37:02):
It makes me emotional because it's like all that I've
wanted to do my entire life and it's finally happening
for me. And I am so excited, you guys, I'm
so excited and ready. I'm ready for this change. I'm
ready for everything to become what I've always wanted I am.
(37:31):
And one of the things that I really, really, really
really want is I want everyone who listens to this
podcast which I also want to be more people. By
the way, I'm trying to get more listeners because I'm
trying to spread the word. But I really genuinely want
(37:57):
everybody who hears this podcast to think on this and
be able to have a small change in their life. Big, small, tiny, minuscule,
but a small change that pushes them into the next
level of who they know themselves to be. I want
(38:21):
this small change, this big change, this minuscule change, to
be something that makes them think, for the first time
or the last time, I'm going to do something for myself.
I'm going to do something to push myself up to
(38:43):
be who I want to be right now. I don't
care how big the change is. I don't care the
steps that they have to take to get there. I
just want the people who listen to this to be
able to accept that for themselves and go on this
journey with me, because I don't want to do it
by myself. I will if I have to, better, believe,
(39:07):
but I don't want to. I want to do this
with everybody. I want everybody to come along on this
ride with me, and I want everybody to get something
out of this, because that's what I do this for
genuinely anyway. All of that being said, lots of changes happening,
lots of changes coming up. I'm hoping that throughout this
(39:31):
season there will be many different guests that we already
have a few lined up for the podcast, and I'm
really excited about it. And by the end of the season,
which will end in the beginning of October when I
leave for my Italy trip, will start doing some really
(39:51):
exciting things for you guys. I'm going to keep some
things under wraps because I got to keep you guys
on your toes like I have and already with my
crazy flip flopping. But a lot of changes happening, a
lot of good change is happening, And even though things
(40:11):
have been really really hard with some of the not
so good changes, at the end of the day, I
think that there's still some good to be had in
those and some things that I've learned and some good
times that I've had with my family, and I think
(40:33):
that it's definitely what It's definitely what the people that
I've lost would want for me, is these good changes
and this good move forward in my life. But thank
you guys so much for listening. You can catch any
(40:57):
of the show notes for the podcast on the dash
Mariah dash Effects dot com. You can also follow us
on Instagram, on TikTok, I'm gonna be posting more on
TikTok as well, and yeah, all of the things. If
you want more information, if you want to reach out
(41:18):
to me, go ahead and do that on the dash
Maria dash effect dot com. And I'm so happy, Thank
you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time. Bye.
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