June 14, 2024 • 36 mins
Join Mariah in this heartfelt episode of The Mariah Effect as she finally shares the story about her beloved little brother, Patrick. After 4.5 attempts to get it just right, Mariah dives into their unique sibling bond, exploring her role in his life and the deep love she holds for him. She touches on the concept of "sonder" and reflects on the bittersweet reality of siblings growing up and forging their own independent paths. Tune in to hear Mariah's emotional journey and her hopes for their future relationship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:25):
Hey, everybody, Welcome to theMariah Effect Podcast. I'm Mariah. Let's
jump in. So I have triednow three and a half times to record
this episode. I'm sitting here atone o'clock in the morning realizing that what
(00:48):
I have done thus far is notcutting it in terms of Mariah perfectionism.
And I don't normally do this.Normally, I just say what I'm gonna
say. I edited a little bitand then I put it out there because
I don't do drafts and provisions andall of that stuff. I think that
(01:14):
I mentioned that on an episode inthe future or before. I don't know,
but that is normally, you know, not my style to do draft
different drafts and stuff. So thisis this has been hard, but I
think it's because the subject of thisepisode is so important to me that I
(01:38):
need it to be clear that theyare important to me and clear that I
am treating this the way that itdeserves to be treated. So when I
wanted to start the podcast back up, there were some other things going on,
(02:00):
so I couldn't just you know,get started. But the biggest thing
that was in my way was myself, and I mentioned it a little bit
in the previous episode. But thereal reason why I finally kind of you
(02:22):
know, switched gears, why Idecided to start again, is because I
recorded an episode while I was inColorado that was all about my little brother
Patrick. I recorded this episode becausethe reason I was in Colorado was for
Patrick's birthday, and he and Ihad a conversation about the podcast where he
(02:49):
made it very clear to me thatI have been ignoring him as a subject
in the podcast. We we're talking. He asked me, you know,
if I had recorded any episodes ori'd put out any episodes or whatever,
and I said kind of what Ihad been telling everybody, which was just
that I needed to figure out howto reframe the show and how I was
(03:15):
going to go about it and allthis stuff. And he was like,
Okay, well, when are yougonna talk about me on the podcast?
Because he used my picture and oneof the episodes, like for the cover
out of one of the episodes,and you didn't talk about me in it,
(03:35):
So when are you gonna talk aboutme? And it is very cute
to me because he's my baby brother, but he's really he's right. The
reason I started this podcast was tokind of do something for myself and to
help myself in a hard time andkind of reflect on my own life and
(03:59):
my choice and the choices of peoplearound me that affected me, and trying
to find the compassion in it all. And the biggest thing that I the
biggest reason why Patrick was not apart of a lot of the episodes and
stuff is because one, it's veryhard for me to talk about him because
(04:29):
I don't get to be around himall the time, and I desperately want
to be. Two Because most ofthe things that I would be able to
talk about that had to do withPatrick are things that he's a part of,
for sure, because he was there. But a lot of the time
that I spent, you know,living with Patrick, a lot of the
(04:56):
memories that I have are really impactedgoing on around him, and I don't
want to, you know, Idon't want him to listen to this and
to have it change his perspective oncertain things or you know, for certain
(05:18):
people, or anything like that.Like I don't want to do that to
him. And I don't want tohave to dance around things that happened to
me or things that happened around me, Like I don't want to do that
(05:39):
either because I deserve to be ableto tell the truth about things that happened.
So that's another another reason why Idon't really talk about him about him
being younger, because to be honest, my memories are cloudy when it comes
(05:59):
to specifically just him and not thethings that were going on around us.
So that's the second reason. Andthe third reason is because his life has
been so much more than what I'vebeen there for. I left Colorado when
(06:21):
he was five, yeah, becauseI think I came back for his six
birthdays. So I left when hewas five and lived in California for a
very long time, and then nowI live in Utah and he just turned
(06:43):
thirteen. So there's just so muchof his life and most of what he
remembers of his life, I'm notthere. I'm not a part of it.
So that's another reason. But likeI said, this is my podcast,
this is about my life, andhe wanted me to talk about him.
(07:04):
So what I'm gonna do is I'mgoing to talk about the things that
are, you know, not cloudyfor me, not hard to remember,
not hard to think of, andI'm going to talk also about you know,
who he is now because we spent. I was there for about a
(07:28):
week, and we spent a goodchunk, especially in the beginning of my
staying in Colorado together, and he'sa whole person. I say that a
lot about kids when they start todevelop into more than just being a kid,
(07:53):
if that makes sense. Like inmy in my perception of them,
they are having their own lives,and maybe it's just me recognizing that their
lives exist outside of my perception ofthem. Do you get what I'm saying.
I think this is like a phenomenonthat people have just in general,
(08:16):
where like it's it sounds like it'sjust self centered, but we all do
this where you know, we focuson our own our own perception of life,
and so when people leave, likeit's obvious, like obviously in the
back of our head, we knowthat they are doing things without us there,
(08:37):
but you don't really think about it. You don't really think about what
they're doing, or what their light, how their life is going, or
anything like that. It's just kindof like a background to you. But
then when you sit down and youactually actively think, like, Okay,
I'm doing this right now, I'mrecording a podcast right now, there's somebody
(08:58):
else in the world that's doing somethingcompletely different than what I'm doing, and
when I see them and coming tocontact with them, we're doing these things
in front of each other, soit's witnessable. But like they're doing things
right now that have no idea anythingabout, and it's just kind of like,
I don't know, it's weird tothink about. Like it sounds obvious,
(09:20):
but it's weird to think about.So like I feel like with kids,
you know that's true always, butit comes to a point where like
they're making their own decisions, they'remaking like moves on their own, and
like are having these like deep thoughtsabout other things or about life that like
(09:43):
it's hard to comprehend, Like whenyou think about it's like this kid just
ask me about like I don't knowdeath, Like they're conceiving what death is
in their brains as like trying tothink, Okay, when did I think
about death in any serious manner,Like was it at this age? Was
it younger? So I say,like, oh, they're like a whole
(10:09):
person. When it's clear to methat they're starting to have deeper thoughts than
just you know, little kid things, I guess and this happened with Patrick
a while ago. But now I'myou know, coming, now I'm recognizing
(10:33):
him being like interested in things thatI was. I have always had a
hard time with coming to terms withhim being interested in like for instance,
he is into rock music, likelike classic rock music, which is an
influence of his father, obviously,But I never never would have guessed that
(11:03):
my little brother would be into rockmusic. When he was really little,
the song that he used to singall the time was X's and O's and
he would he made his own lyricsto it and stuff, and it was
so precious, it was so cute. I never would have thought that that
(11:24):
kid would be into like rock music, you know what I mean. And
he genuinely is into it like Iwas. I started playing it just because
he was requesting it, and andhe like knew all the words and everything.
And then he was showing me music, He showed me YouTube videos that
(11:46):
he watches, and I just wasso taken with like who he is now.
And I sometime times feel so youngin a lot of ways, because
(12:07):
you know, I'm not married,I don't have children myself. I am
going through this really hard time whereI need a lot of help from people
around me, so I'm not feelingnecessarily very independent. So in a lot
of ways, I feel very young. And then there's moments like this where
(12:30):
I can see this, this personthat has been my little brother for so
long that it's hard for me tocome to terms with the fact that now
he is turning into like he's onhis way to being an adult himself,
(12:50):
and it kind of freaks me out. It freaks me out. I gosh,
yeah, it's so insane. Inone of these versions where I recorded,
I spent all basically the whole thingtalking about when he was born,
(13:16):
because it was just such a chaoticand crazy time because there was literally so
much going on. My great grandmapassed away, my mom had to be
in the hospital for a while,because there are just a lot of complications
and stuff going on that I genuinelydon't remember a lot of, not necessarily
(13:39):
because I wasn't told, but becauseit's like really specific pregnancy stuff, and
like I never never have been throughit. I've never had to like research
it in any way, and Iwas a kid when it happened, so
like all I knew was it wasscary. I went out of the state
(14:00):
a little bit before he was born, and was just really stressed out about
it, like there's so many thingsgoing on, and he was induced early,
so he was a whole month earlierthan we thought he was going to
be, so it was just reallystressful. I remember being very scared,
(14:20):
and I knew that there was nothingI wanted more than to have Patrick be
born. But when it was broughtto my attention the thought that maybe my
mom, like it would have tobe a decision between my mom and the
(14:41):
baby. I don't remember why thatwas brought up, but at one point
it was and I was just likewhat, because it just it seemed so
crazy. It seemed so like,what are you talking about. I'd spent
so much time thinking about Patrick asnot like a maybe but uh definitely was
(15:07):
definitely going to happen, was definitelygoing to be there, and to have
that ripped away in a moment oflike, maybe he won't be or worse
in my in my eyes, worseat the time because I didn't know like
who he would be or anything likethat, but worse in that moment was
(15:28):
the idea that he would be therebut my mom wouldn't, which was terrifying
for so many reasons, but yeah, super scary. I spent an entire
version of this talking about the wholeevent because of so much was going on.
(15:54):
But the biggest takeaway from me recordingthat is recognizing that I the moment
I knew that Patrick was, youknow, a possibility, that he was
an idea that he was something happening. I was excited and I was happy
(16:18):
and I was in love. WhenPatrick was born and everything was okay,
I like knew, I don't know, I just I knew that he was
everything and I would never want anythingbad to happen to him. I would
(16:45):
do everything I could to protect him. It was just all he was it
for me, you know, Andit like you could talk to anybody in
my life, anybody who I've hadany sort of conversations with about Patrick,
(17:07):
or you know, about my lifeor anything, will know that Patrick has
been my number one from the beginningand that anything, and you know,
anything that I did outside of leavingwas something that I did with him in
(17:30):
mind. Like he was always onmy mind of when I was making decisions
about my life. I really badlywanted to when I was younger, when
I was in middle school and Ipictured my life. I always saw myself
(17:51):
as being like a lawyer or youknow, at one point, like in
the medical field somehow, because Iwanted to help people. But I wanted
to be successful. That was thebiggest thing. I really wanted to be
successful. I wanted to make alot of money. I wanted to feel
(18:14):
safe and secure as far as moneywent, like it wouldn't be a problem.
And when I was in high school, there were so many reasons,
so many things that happened that mademe kind of mess all that up for
myself and the whole. Like whenI was basically destroying my future, I
(18:42):
like started making these like backup plansof how I would live my life or
what I would do so that Icould be there for Patrick, so that
I could help take care of Patrick, even though like I was making it
to where I didn't think I wouldhave any sort of security for myself,
(19:03):
Like I was still thinking backup plansfor how I could take care of Patrick
and be there for him, andlike it, he just meant so much
to me. There are so manypictures that I have from when he was
a baby that just you know,in general make me smile, Like every
(19:33):
single time I see him things thatI was there for, things that I
wasn't there for. But I've madelike a bunch of colashes and stuff like
I'm sure that I'm gonna put togetherone for for the cover art of this
of him and I. Patrick hasalways been this kid that made me laugh.
(20:14):
He would make me laugh all thetime when he was little, just
in how he said things and theway that he laughed was just like so
infectious, you know. And theolder that he got, the more I
could see this like joy within him, this like like incredible energy that I
(20:45):
don't think I ever really had asa kid, Like I can't remember a
time when I was just this likeball of energy, and he just was.
He was this like ball of energyall the time. And sometimes it
drove me crazy. It definitely droveme crazy because we didn't have that in
(21:07):
the house in that way. Butother times I would look at him and
I would see it in his eyes, this like little air of mischief,
and I would like just be sograteful for it and be so hopeful that
he didn't lose that from himself,because I thought it was so beautiful that
(21:33):
he had that. And man,yeah, he always had like when I
was growing up, I had becausemy birthday is like in the dead of
winter, like right before Christmas.Birthday parties were just really hard to put
(21:56):
together and have people come to andjust like to have ideas. My mom,
you know, didn't make a lotof money, and so birthday parties
for me were just not even likethey were basically non existent and it would
always just be kind of like,you know, the family. And for
(22:21):
Patrick, his first birthday party wasthis huge deal, like my mom went
all out, and I think apart of that was because of like the
way that she handled birthday parties forme, you know, and I was
when it happened. I remember thinkinglike that I was happy he was getting
(22:45):
this, but there was a partof me that was like feeling not neglected,
but like feeling overlooked, I guessin a way. And when I
was when I turned seventeen, mymom did like a whole birthday party for
(23:08):
me that was like mustache themed birthdayparty because for some reason I couldn't tell
you. I don't remember why,but I was obsessed with mustaches and yeah,
I don't know, it's just likea style thing, I guess at
(23:29):
the time, Like I had mustachelakings, and like, I don't know,
I don't ask me. I reallygenuinely don't remember, but I remember
she put a lot of effort intothat birthday party. And when I had
the birthday party, I realized thatI had talked to my friends a lot
(23:52):
about like Patrick annying those birthday parties, and it was always with like a
little bit of anger towards my momabout it, but it never was It
was never at Patrick one because itwasn't his fault. He was the one
who put together the birthday parties oranything. And I was never really jealous
(24:17):
of Patrick either, because he wasn'tlike a sibling in a lot of ways.
He was like a child, likea son, which I was fourteen
when he was born, so likehe wasn't my child, but it felt
like that in a lot of ways. And I think that I've treated him
(24:37):
in that way for a really longtime, and I've stood up for him
in that way for a really longtime. I've gotten into arguments with my
mom about things that she says tohim or the way that she handles certain
situations, because like I am notokay with the way that things are handled
(25:00):
sometimes or the way that she saysthings, and I can't I can't be
quiet when I see certain things becauseI remember what it is to be a
kid growing up with my mom,and uh, sometimes I definitely wish that
(25:27):
there had been somebody there to stickup for me in certain moments. And
this is not to say, youknow, terrible things about my mom in
any way. This is not metake like taking shots at her or anything.
This is me, you know,making like talking about Patrick, because
(25:47):
this is what the show is about. This episode is about, is about
Patrick, and just making clear thatthere are things that I do for hand,
there are things that I see forhim or want for him that I
wish I had for myself. AndI remember when I was younger before Patrick,
(26:15):
that my mom would in a similarway say things like that to me,
of like her wanting me to docertain things or her wanting me to
stick to certain things because she wishedthat she had had certain opportunities or wish
that she had taken certain opportunities,and that she wanted those things for me.
(26:37):
And I guess it's interesting to thinkabout the way that I do that
for Patrick, the way that Iwant that for Patrick, because it's just
interesting It's just it's interesting cycle,you know, of not necessarily having like
regret, Like I don't have alot of regret about the things that I
(27:03):
did or the way that I wentabout things because I was doing the best
with what I had. But theRECOGNI like recognizing that like the me at
thirteen, the me at fourteen neededwho I am now at twenty seven needed
somebody like that. And so I'mdoing that for Patrick, like in a
(27:26):
way or I want to be there. I want to do that for Patrick.
I want to be that person forPatrick. He also, while we're
on that same thread of wanting tobe there for him, he made a
comment before, like when we weresaying goodbye to each other, he made
a comment of like, well'll seeyou next year in a very like sassy
(27:52):
way that you know, only mybrother Patrick could say, or they'll in
a way that only he could say, And it ripped a hole in my
heart. Uh, it definitely brokeme a little bit when he said it
that way, because it's one hundredpercent true. Like I see him once
(28:17):
a year, I make a hugeeffort to be there for his birthday,
and outside of that, we don'tsee each other and that's because you know,
my mom has a hard time gettinghim to me to see him.
I put all of my efforts intogoing that one time of the year,
and in the last I don't know, maybe four five years, I have
(28:44):
not had the money, the funds, like the resources to go and see
him whenever I wanted to. AndI think that he appreciates me way more
than I feel like I deserve alot of times. But I definitely think
that he probably feels that I couldmake more of an effort in being there
(29:15):
with him, and like money,like I don't ever want to make excuses
with money, because you know,if I, if I really made an
effort, I could put the fundsI could make that, I could make
the effort more to do that andto put money into that. Aside for
(29:37):
that, but with everything with myhealth, that's definitely been my main focus.
And I think that my plan movingforward once I'm finished with all of
this, is that I want tobe I want to be successful. I
(30:02):
want to do the things that Iwant to do, whatever that may be,
and I want to be really goodat it. And I want to
be in a position where I havea you know, see Patrick fund or
see Patrick account or whatever set asideso that I can be around. I
(30:29):
can see him because he just turnedthirteen, but I can already see it,
Like he's going to be eighteen,he's going to be twenty one,
He's going to have his own family, his own life. I mean,
I live with Kyle, and hehas his whole his own family. Now
(30:52):
he's a father, a husband,has his own has his own family.
Camp supplies that he was talking aboutthe other day and was super excited about.
But like your siblings, they growinto their own people, they have
(31:14):
their own families, and you stillsee each other because of love and all
that. But like, he's goingto have his own life, his own
family, and I won't be ableto just go and visit whenever I want
to and get to see him andspend all this time with him. Like
(31:36):
things are going to be different.And I always would think, like,
oh, when he's when he's eighteen, like he's gonna want to come and
live with me, and we'll dothat and then we can spend all this
time together and you know, getto live together the way that I've always
wanted to. But maybe I'll havea family at that point and that won't
(31:59):
be possible in that way. Andso looking back, I think that a
lot of the time that I spentas a teenager living in that house,
(32:19):
A lot of the time that Ispent and a lot of the things that
I went through were only really survivableor something that I could handle because of
Patrick, because he was there.And I think that I'm getting teary eyed,
(32:49):
you guys, I think that becauseof Patrick. Because of Patrick,
I am here. Because of Patrick. I know what it is to love
something so deeply that you would doanything for them, And I think that
(33:14):
in some ways I need to lovemyself that way like I love Patrick.
But in other ways, it reallysaved me to have that because I didn't
love myself the way that I lovedhim, and knowing that he needed me
(33:36):
kept me going. Knowing that heloved me and I loved him meant that
there was a reason for me tobe there. So, Patrick, if
(33:58):
you're listening, which I hope youare because you're my number one fan,
and if you're not listening, Idon't know who is. But if you're
listening, I want you to knowthat I will make more of an effort
to bring you up. I loveyou with everything, and just because I
(34:22):
don't talk about you doesn't mean thatI'm not thinking about you and loving you.
So here you go. This isyour episode, my guy, And
if you want to follow up andhear more about Patrick or read more about
(34:43):
Patrick, I should say I'm goingto be writing some blog posts on the
website, which is www dot thedash Mariah dash effect dot com. All
of our information is on there.All of the details of when things are
coming out and what's happening, andall of that great stuff is on there.
(35:06):
It also has links to the Patreonwhere you can become a member and
get exclusive access to content, andthen also just links to the social media
pages and stuff like that so youcan get you know, little videos that
I make to tell you that episodesare out and just like updates about my
(35:29):
life and stuff like that. Sothank you so much for listening to this
episode. Sorry that the audio iskind of weird. I kind of spliced
together different parts and had to rerecord certain parts and it was a whole
big mess. But this is apretty emotional episode and thank you so much
for listening. See you next time.
Hey, everybody, Welcome to theMariah Effect Podcast. I'm Mariah. Let's
jump in. So I have triednow three and a half times to record
this episode. I'm sitting here atone o'clock in the morning realizing that what
(00:48):
I have done thus far is notcutting it in terms of Mariah perfectionism.
And I don't normally do this.Normally, I just say what I'm gonna
say. I edited a little bitand then I put it out there because
I don't do drafts and provisions andall of that stuff. I think that
(01:14):
I mentioned that on an episode inthe future or before. I don't know,
but that is normally, you know, not my style to do draft
different drafts and stuff. So thisis this has been hard, but I
think it's because the subject of thisepisode is so important to me that I
(01:38):
need it to be clear that theyare important to me and clear that I
am treating this the way that itdeserves to be treated. So when I
wanted to start the podcast back up, there were some other things going on,
(02:00):
so I couldn't just you know,get started. But the biggest thing
that was in my way was myself, and I mentioned it a little bit
in the previous episode. But thereal reason why I finally kind of you
(02:22):
know, switched gears, why Idecided to start again, is because I
recorded an episode while I was inColorado that was all about my little brother
Patrick. I recorded this episode becausethe reason I was in Colorado was for
Patrick's birthday, and he and Ihad a conversation about the podcast where he
(02:49):
made it very clear to me thatI have been ignoring him as a subject
in the podcast. We we're talking. He asked me, you know,
if I had recorded any episodes ori'd put out any episodes or whatever,
and I said kind of what Ihad been telling everybody, which was just
that I needed to figure out howto reframe the show and how I was
(03:15):
going to go about it and allthis stuff. And he was like,
Okay, well, when are yougonna talk about me on the podcast?
Because he used my picture and oneof the episodes, like for the cover
out of one of the episodes,and you didn't talk about me in it,
(03:35):
So when are you gonna talk aboutme? And it is very cute
to me because he's my baby brother, but he's really he's right. The
reason I started this podcast was tokind of do something for myself and to
help myself in a hard time andkind of reflect on my own life and
(03:59):
my choice and the choices of peoplearound me that affected me, and trying
to find the compassion in it all. And the biggest thing that I the
biggest reason why Patrick was not apart of a lot of the episodes and
stuff is because one, it's veryhard for me to talk about him because
(04:29):
I don't get to be around himall the time, and I desperately want
to be. Two Because most ofthe things that I would be able to
talk about that had to do withPatrick are things that he's a part of,
for sure, because he was there. But a lot of the time
that I spent, you know,living with Patrick, a lot of the
(04:56):
memories that I have are really impactedgoing on around him, and I don't
want to, you know, Idon't want him to listen to this and
to have it change his perspective oncertain things or you know, for certain
(05:18):
people, or anything like that.Like I don't want to do that to
him. And I don't want tohave to dance around things that happened to
me or things that happened around me, Like I don't want to do that
(05:39):
either because I deserve to be ableto tell the truth about things that happened.
So that's another another reason why Idon't really talk about him about him
being younger, because to be honest, my memories are cloudy when it comes
(05:59):
to specifically just him and not thethings that were going on around us.
So that's the second reason. Andthe third reason is because his life has
been so much more than what I'vebeen there for. I left Colorado when
(06:21):
he was five, yeah, becauseI think I came back for his six
birthdays. So I left when hewas five and lived in California for a
very long time, and then nowI live in Utah and he just turned
(06:43):
thirteen. So there's just so muchof his life and most of what he
remembers of his life, I'm notthere. I'm not a part of it.
So that's another reason. But likeI said, this is my podcast,
this is about my life, andhe wanted me to talk about him.
(07:04):
So what I'm gonna do is I'mgoing to talk about the things that
are, you know, not cloudyfor me, not hard to remember,
not hard to think of, andI'm going to talk also about you know,
who he is now because we spent. I was there for about a
(07:28):
week, and we spent a goodchunk, especially in the beginning of my
staying in Colorado together, and he'sa whole person. I say that a
lot about kids when they start todevelop into more than just being a kid,
(07:53):
if that makes sense. Like inmy in my perception of them,
they are having their own lives,and maybe it's just me recognizing that their
lives exist outside of my perception ofthem. Do you get what I'm saying.
I think this is like a phenomenonthat people have just in general,
(08:16):
where like it's it sounds like it'sjust self centered, but we all do
this where you know, we focuson our own our own perception of life,
and so when people leave, likeit's obvious, like obviously in the
back of our head, we knowthat they are doing things without us there,
(08:37):
but you don't really think about it. You don't really think about what
they're doing, or what their light, how their life is going, or
anything like that. It's just kindof like a background to you. But
then when you sit down and youactually actively think, like, Okay,
I'm doing this right now, I'mrecording a podcast right now, there's somebody
(08:58):
else in the world that's doing somethingcompletely different than what I'm doing, and
when I see them and coming tocontact with them, we're doing these things
in front of each other, soit's witnessable. But like they're doing things
right now that have no idea anythingabout, and it's just kind of like,
I don't know, it's weird tothink about. Like it sounds obvious,
(09:20):
but it's weird to think about.So like I feel like with kids,
you know that's true always, butit comes to a point where like
they're making their own decisions, they'remaking like moves on their own, and
like are having these like deep thoughtsabout other things or about life that like
(09:43):
it's hard to comprehend, Like whenyou think about it's like this kid just
ask me about like I don't knowdeath, Like they're conceiving what death is
in their brains as like trying tothink, Okay, when did I think
about death in any serious manner,Like was it at this age? Was
it younger? So I say,like, oh, they're like a whole
(10:09):
person. When it's clear to methat they're starting to have deeper thoughts than
just you know, little kid things, I guess and this happened with Patrick
a while ago. But now I'myou know, coming, now I'm recognizing
(10:33):
him being like interested in things thatI was. I have always had a
hard time with coming to terms withhim being interested in like for instance,
he is into rock music, likelike classic rock music, which is an
influence of his father, obviously,But I never never would have guessed that
(11:03):
my little brother would be into rockmusic. When he was really little,
the song that he used to singall the time was X's and O's and
he would he made his own lyricsto it and stuff, and it was
so precious, it was so cute. I never would have thought that that
(11:24):
kid would be into like rock music, you know what I mean. And
he genuinely is into it like Iwas. I started playing it just because
he was requesting it, and andhe like knew all the words and everything.
And then he was showing me music, He showed me YouTube videos that
(11:46):
he watches, and I just wasso taken with like who he is now.
And I sometime times feel so youngin a lot of ways, because
(12:07):
you know, I'm not married,I don't have children myself. I am
going through this really hard time whereI need a lot of help from people
around me, so I'm not feelingnecessarily very independent. So in a lot
of ways, I feel very young. And then there's moments like this where
(12:30):
I can see this, this personthat has been my little brother for so
long that it's hard for me tocome to terms with the fact that now
he is turning into like he's onhis way to being an adult himself,
(12:50):
and it kind of freaks me out. It freaks me out. I gosh,
yeah, it's so insane. Inone of these versions where I recorded,
I spent all basically the whole thingtalking about when he was born,
(13:16):
because it was just such a chaoticand crazy time because there was literally so
much going on. My great grandmapassed away, my mom had to be
in the hospital for a while,because there are just a lot of complications
and stuff going on that I genuinelydon't remember a lot of, not necessarily
(13:39):
because I wasn't told, but becauseit's like really specific pregnancy stuff, and
like I never never have been throughit. I've never had to like research
it in any way, and Iwas a kid when it happened, so
like all I knew was it wasscary. I went out of the state
(14:00):
a little bit before he was born, and was just really stressed out about
it, like there's so many thingsgoing on, and he was induced early,
so he was a whole month earlierthan we thought he was going to
be, so it was just reallystressful. I remember being very scared,
(14:20):
and I knew that there was nothingI wanted more than to have Patrick be
born. But when it was broughtto my attention the thought that maybe my
mom, like it would have tobe a decision between my mom and the
(14:41):
baby. I don't remember why thatwas brought up, but at one point
it was and I was just likewhat, because it just it seemed so
crazy. It seemed so like,what are you talking about. I'd spent
so much time thinking about Patrick asnot like a maybe but uh definitely was
(15:07):
definitely going to happen, was definitelygoing to be there, and to have
that ripped away in a moment oflike, maybe he won't be or worse
in my in my eyes, worseat the time because I didn't know like
who he would be or anything likethat, but worse in that moment was
(15:28):
the idea that he would be therebut my mom wouldn't, which was terrifying
for so many reasons, but yeah, super scary. I spent an entire
version of this talking about the wholeevent because of so much was going on.
(15:54):
But the biggest takeaway from me recordingthat is recognizing that I the moment
I knew that Patrick was, youknow, a possibility, that he was
an idea that he was something happening. I was excited and I was happy
(16:18):
and I was in love. WhenPatrick was born and everything was okay,
I like knew, I don't know, I just I knew that he was
everything and I would never want anythingbad to happen to him. I would
(16:45):
do everything I could to protect him. It was just all he was it
for me, you know, Andit like you could talk to anybody in
my life, anybody who I've hadany sort of conversations with about Patrick,
(17:07):
or you know, about my lifeor anything, will know that Patrick has
been my number one from the beginningand that anything, and you know,
anything that I did outside of leavingwas something that I did with him in
(17:30):
mind. Like he was always onmy mind of when I was making decisions
about my life. I really badlywanted to when I was younger, when
I was in middle school and Ipictured my life. I always saw myself
(17:51):
as being like a lawyer or youknow, at one point, like in
the medical field somehow, because Iwanted to help people. But I wanted
to be successful. That was thebiggest thing. I really wanted to be
successful. I wanted to make alot of money. I wanted to feel
(18:14):
safe and secure as far as moneywent, like it wouldn't be a problem.
And when I was in high school, there were so many reasons,
so many things that happened that mademe kind of mess all that up for
myself and the whole. Like whenI was basically destroying my future, I
(18:42):
like started making these like backup plansof how I would live my life or
what I would do so that Icould be there for Patrick, so that
I could help take care of Patrick, even though like I was making it
to where I didn't think I wouldhave any sort of security for myself,
(19:03):
Like I was still thinking backup plansfor how I could take care of Patrick
and be there for him, andlike it, he just meant so much
to me. There are so manypictures that I have from when he was
a baby that just you know,in general make me smile, Like every
(19:33):
single time I see him things thatI was there for, things that I
wasn't there for. But I've madelike a bunch of colashes and stuff like
I'm sure that I'm gonna put togetherone for for the cover art of this
of him and I. Patrick hasalways been this kid that made me laugh.
(20:14):
He would make me laugh all thetime when he was little, just
in how he said things and theway that he laughed was just like so
infectious, you know. And theolder that he got, the more I
could see this like joy within him, this like like incredible energy that I
(20:45):
don't think I ever really had asa kid, Like I can't remember a
time when I was just this likeball of energy, and he just was.
He was this like ball of energyall the time. And sometimes it
drove me crazy. It definitely droveme crazy because we didn't have that in
(21:07):
the house in that way. Butother times I would look at him and
I would see it in his eyes, this like little air of mischief,
and I would like just be sograteful for it and be so hopeful that
he didn't lose that from himself,because I thought it was so beautiful that
(21:33):
he had that. And man,yeah, he always had like when I
was growing up, I had becausemy birthday is like in the dead of
winter, like right before Christmas.Birthday parties were just really hard to put
(21:56):
together and have people come to andjust like to have ideas. My mom,
you know, didn't make a lotof money, and so birthday parties
for me were just not even likethey were basically non existent and it would
always just be kind of like,you know, the family. And for
(22:21):
Patrick, his first birthday party wasthis huge deal, like my mom went
all out, and I think apart of that was because of like the
way that she handled birthday parties forme, you know, and I was
when it happened. I remember thinkinglike that I was happy he was getting
(22:45):
this, but there was a partof me that was like feeling not neglected,
but like feeling overlooked, I guessin a way. And when I
was when I turned seventeen, mymom did like a whole birthday party for
(23:08):
me that was like mustache themed birthdayparty because for some reason I couldn't tell
you. I don't remember why,but I was obsessed with mustaches and yeah,
I don't know, it's just likea style thing, I guess at
(23:29):
the time, Like I had mustachelakings, and like, I don't know,
I don't ask me. I reallygenuinely don't remember, but I remember
she put a lot of effort intothat birthday party. And when I had
the birthday party, I realized thatI had talked to my friends a lot
(23:52):
about like Patrick annying those birthday parties, and it was always with like a
little bit of anger towards my momabout it, but it never was It
was never at Patrick one because itwasn't his fault. He was the one
who put together the birthday parties oranything. And I was never really jealous
(24:17):
of Patrick either, because he wasn'tlike a sibling in a lot of ways.
He was like a child, likea son, which I was fourteen
when he was born, so likehe wasn't my child, but it felt
like that in a lot of ways. And I think that I've treated him
(24:37):
in that way for a really longtime, and I've stood up for him
in that way for a really longtime. I've gotten into arguments with my
mom about things that she says tohim or the way that she handles certain
situations, because like I am notokay with the way that things are handled
(25:00):
sometimes or the way that she saysthings, and I can't I can't be
quiet when I see certain things becauseI remember what it is to be a
kid growing up with my mom,and uh, sometimes I definitely wish that
(25:27):
there had been somebody there to stickup for me in certain moments. And
this is not to say, youknow, terrible things about my mom in
any way. This is not metake like taking shots at her or anything.
This is me, you know,making like talking about Patrick, because
(25:47):
this is what the show is about. This episode is about, is about
Patrick, and just making clear thatthere are things that I do for hand,
there are things that I see forhim or want for him that I
wish I had for myself. AndI remember when I was younger before Patrick,
(26:15):
that my mom would in a similarway say things like that to me,
of like her wanting me to docertain things or her wanting me to
stick to certain things because she wishedthat she had had certain opportunities or wish
that she had taken certain opportunities,and that she wanted those things for me.
(26:37):
And I guess it's interesting to thinkabout the way that I do that
for Patrick, the way that Iwant that for Patrick, because it's just
interesting It's just it's interesting cycle,you know, of not necessarily having like
regret, Like I don't have alot of regret about the things that I
(27:03):
did or the way that I wentabout things because I was doing the best
with what I had. But theRECOGNI like recognizing that like the me at
thirteen, the me at fourteen neededwho I am now at twenty seven needed
somebody like that. And so I'mdoing that for Patrick, like in a
(27:26):
way or I want to be there. I want to do that for Patrick.
I want to be that person forPatrick. He also, while we're
on that same thread of wanting tobe there for him, he made a
comment before, like when we weresaying goodbye to each other, he made
a comment of like, well'll seeyou next year in a very like sassy
(27:52):
way that you know, only mybrother Patrick could say, or they'll in
a way that only he could say, And it ripped a hole in my
heart. Uh, it definitely brokeme a little bit when he said it
that way, because it's one hundredpercent true. Like I see him once
(28:17):
a year, I make a hugeeffort to be there for his birthday,
and outside of that, we don'tsee each other and that's because you know,
my mom has a hard time gettinghim to me to see him.
I put all of my efforts intogoing that one time of the year,
and in the last I don't know, maybe four five years, I have
(28:44):
not had the money, the funds, like the resources to go and see
him whenever I wanted to. AndI think that he appreciates me way more
than I feel like I deserve alot of times. But I definitely think
that he probably feels that I couldmake more of an effort in being there
(29:15):
with him, and like money,like I don't ever want to make excuses
with money, because you know,if I, if I really made an
effort, I could put the fundsI could make that, I could make
the effort more to do that andto put money into that. Aside for
(29:37):
that, but with everything with myhealth, that's definitely been my main focus.
And I think that my plan movingforward once I'm finished with all of
this, is that I want tobe I want to be successful. I
(30:02):
want to do the things that Iwant to do, whatever that may be,
and I want to be really goodat it. And I want to
be in a position where I havea you know, see Patrick fund or
see Patrick account or whatever set asideso that I can be around. I
(30:29):
can see him because he just turnedthirteen, but I can already see it,
Like he's going to be eighteen,he's going to be twenty one,
He's going to have his own family, his own life. I mean,
I live with Kyle, and hehas his whole his own family. Now
(30:52):
he's a father, a husband,has his own has his own family.
Camp supplies that he was talking aboutthe other day and was super excited about.
But like your siblings, they growinto their own people, they have
(31:14):
their own families, and you stillsee each other because of love and all
that. But like, he's goingto have his own life, his own
family, and I won't be ableto just go and visit whenever I want
to and get to see him andspend all this time with him. Like
(31:36):
things are going to be different.And I always would think, like,
oh, when he's when he's eighteen, like he's gonna want to come and
live with me, and we'll dothat and then we can spend all this
time together and you know, getto live together the way that I've always
wanted to. But maybe I'll havea family at that point and that won't
(31:59):
be possible in that way. Andso looking back, I think that a
lot of the time that I spentas a teenager living in that house,
(32:19):
A lot of the time that Ispent and a lot of the things that
I went through were only really survivableor something that I could handle because of
Patrick, because he was there.And I think that I'm getting teary eyed,
(32:49):
you guys, I think that becauseof Patrick. Because of Patrick,
I am here. Because of Patrick. I know what it is to love
something so deeply that you would doanything for them, And I think that
(33:14):
in some ways I need to lovemyself that way like I love Patrick.
But in other ways, it reallysaved me to have that because I didn't
love myself the way that I lovedhim, and knowing that he needed me
(33:36):
kept me going. Knowing that heloved me and I loved him meant that
there was a reason for me tobe there. So, Patrick, if
(33:58):
you're listening, which I hope youare because you're my number one fan,
and if you're not listening, Idon't know who is. But if you're
listening, I want you to knowthat I will make more of an effort
to bring you up. I loveyou with everything, and just because I
(34:22):
don't talk about you doesn't mean thatI'm not thinking about you and loving you.
So here you go. This isyour episode, my guy, And
if you want to follow up andhear more about Patrick or read more about
(34:43):
Patrick, I should say I'm goingto be writing some blog posts on the
website, which is www dot thedash Mariah dash effect dot com. All
of our information is on there.All of the details of when things are
coming out and what's happening, andall of that great stuff is on there.
(35:06):
It also has links to the Patreonwhere you can become a member and
get exclusive access to content, andthen also just links to the social media
pages and stuff like that so youcan get you know, little videos that
I make to tell you that episodesare out and just like updates about my
(35:29):
life and stuff like that. Sothank you so much for listening to this
episode. Sorry that the audio iskind of weird. I kind of spliced
together different parts and had to rerecord certain parts and it was a whole
big mess. But this is apretty emotional episode and thank you so much
for listening. See you next time.
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