August 25, 2023 • 48 mins
Diving into the depths of self-reflection, Mariah bares her journey as a self-professed perfectionist at 26. Join her on a poignant episode as she contrasts her youthful ideals with the realities of life, reflecting on her high school struggles and grappling with mental health challenges. Through heartfelt revelations, Mariah's candid narrative delves into the complexities of perfectionism, the highs and lows of growing up, and the resilience that comes from embracing imperfections. Tune in for a candid conversation that resonates with anyone navigating the intricacies of self-discovery, mental health, and the evolution of aspirations.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:57):
Hey, everybody, Welcome to theMaria Fex podcast time Mariah, and this
is another solo week. You mayhave noticed that last week there wasn't an
episode. I have been up anddown and all over the place with whether
or not I am feeling good.I feel like a lot of a lot
(01:23):
of what has been going on recentlyhas been like a lot of nothing.
When I take advantage of the nothingness, you know, by also doing nothing,
if that makes sense, Like Idon't have anything planned to do,
or there's no deadlines or whatever andso and I'm feeling okay, So I
(01:47):
take up that time of nothingness bydoing you know, silly things like I'll
do laundry, which is important,or cleaning up my room and stuff,
which is also important. But Ieither do way too much in this time
of nothing and I end up likewearing myself out, so then I feel
(02:09):
horrible the next day and then feelhorrible for a couple of days. Or
I do absolutely nothing with the nothingnesstime so that when it is time for
something to be done, like Idon't know, a podcast episode, something
(02:30):
pops up and gets in the way. So last week I won't go into
too many details because because you know, I didn't talk to this person about
talking about it. But somebody thatI know got into a motorcycle accident and
(02:50):
bust it up their face pretty bad. They were in the hospital, they
had surgery, They are okay.But the whole thing happened on a Wednesday
night, and then I spent asignificant portion of the next day trying to
trying to figure out what was goingon, going to go see them,
(03:16):
running around with my brother and tryingto help him out with stuff he needed
to do. So it was justlike a lot of chaotic stuff that happened
during the time that I planned tofilm an episode, to record an episode,
and then it just got to lastminute, and I was talking to
(03:38):
my mom, Darsana, and shewas like, why don't you do like
a blog or do a blog entryor whatever. And I was like,
you know what, that's a goodidea. So I start typing the blog
entry and I get super, supertired, and I go to sleep,
and then I woke up the nextmorning. And I'm the type of person
(04:00):
that is a perfectionist. So ifsomething isn't perfect, if something doesn't fit
in exactly what I had as apicture in my mind, then I don't
want it, which is kind ofcrazy, kind of I don't want to
(04:25):
say toxic because that sounds really bad, but I think it's kind of unhealthy
at times. The nature of that, like I spend an exorbitant amount of
time trying to make something perfect,and if I can't get it perfect,
(04:45):
I delete it. So the timesthat I've done this podcast, for instance,
when I do it by myself,especially if I don't like it,
I delete it and I redo itagain. So the Father's Day episode,
the father, Yeah, the Father'sDay episode that I did, which was
(05:06):
like the first one that I didcompletely by myself. I recorded it three
times. And by recorded it threetimes, I mean I spent an hour
recording and realized that I was justkind of babbling at a certain point and
was like, Mmm, I'm gonnastop talking right now, actually delete this
(05:30):
because it's all over the place.I already know it, and I'm gonna
start again. And I think thatwas more than an hour, and I
think I was like an hour twentyminutes. And I realized that I had
been talking for an hour and twentyminutes, and I was like, oh,
we're gonna do that again. Sothen I recorded another one, which
was a little under an hour Ithink, and started listening to it like,
(05:53):
Okay, I can you know,chop this up and put it together
in a way that makes sense withwhat I was saying, and I just
there were a couple of things thatdidn't I didn't like about that one either.
I don't know why. I don'tremember what was wrong with it exactly.
There's something wrong with it, though, so I deleted that got rid
(06:17):
of it. I'm not sure whatit is in my personality that made me
this way. I can't think ofwhere it might have started or anything like
that. I haven't really thought thatmuch about it or talked to anybody about
it on any significant interpersonal level.But I feel like something like this is
(06:50):
a big reason why I've had somany issues with school work and things like
that, because when I was growingup, I had a hard time with
turning in homework. Homework was ahuge problem for me when I was in
(07:15):
Actually I think it started in middleschool when I was in sixth grade.
I remember I had this class,and I'm sure I did it to other
classes, but I specifically remember formy Language Arts class, or otherwise known
as English class, I had ahard time with turning in the assignments because
(07:41):
the assignments were very menial tasks tome in my opinion, which I think
a lot of homework is I don'twant to say stupid, but is ridiculous,
is at times too much for studentsto be doing. But in that
(08:09):
class, I remember we had thesehomework assignments that, for all intents and
purposes, were just to make surethat you were following along with the book
that we were supposed to be reading. But a lot of times it was
like filling out a sheet of paperabout I don't know, like what you
read, the part that you hadread of the book that night, or
(08:33):
your thoughts on it or something likethat. I don't remember specifically, but
it was something to that effect,and I just thought, you know,
this is ridiculous, Like I don'twant to write down what I thought about
the book in this little like requiredassignment. Like I should write down what
(08:54):
I think about the book when Ihave thoughts about the book, not when
i've read fifteen pages, which ofcourse is like how they assigned things.
It's not like, oh, readuntil you feel like you get to a
stopping point. It's like read theseassigned fifteen pages or this assigned chapter or
whatever, and I just thought itwas silly, so I didn't do it.
(09:18):
And I remember it got to apoint where I was not failing,
I don't think, but I wasgetting like I was in the C territory,
and then it got to the Dterritory and it was this crazy thing
because why, as a person wholoves, like straight up loves reading books,
(09:41):
cannot get enough of literature, whyam I like failing this class?
I'm reading the books, I'm doingthe classwork. When we have to do
class work, I'm enjoying talking andhaving discussions. Why am I failing?
And it all had to do withhomework, Like I didn't enjoy these menial
(10:07):
tasks of having to write down stuff. And I think, thinking on it,
the reason why is because I didn'twant to put in the effort that
it takes to make it perfect,because I didn't want to turn in things
that weren't perfect. Right, Soif I read these fifteen pages and I
(10:28):
didn't have any substantial thoughts about whatwas happening in those fifteen pages, I
felt like I was failing or Iwas wrong or something, because why don't
I have some brilliant idea about thesepages, like somebody else or like what
(10:50):
they expect me to think, right, So I'm not sure that I can
blame everything on that entirely. Iwill say that there's a lot of things
that I just didn't want to dobecause I was a teenager and I said,
this is stupid. But another pointthat I make about talking about homework
(11:18):
is when you're in high school.I don't think like they make it clear
when you're in high school and you'rein these classes that are AP classes or
you know, the higher advanced sortof classes that they assign homework that is
just absolutely insane levels of homework.And I recognize that it is in preparation
(11:41):
of college, which is very similarof like these enormously taxing hours and hours
of homework for one class. Butwhen you're in high school, like the
way my high school was is itwas you had i would say eight classes,
(12:05):
ten classes. Maybe I'm trying toremember because it's a while ago,
but it was like you had fourperiods in the day. Yep, okay,
so you had eight classes. Thenthe guys you had four periods in
(12:28):
the day. And what they woulddo is they would do four periods one
day, and then the other fourperiods the next day, and back and
forth, and so then it wouldswitch. So every every week it was
like three A days and two Bdays, and then the next week it
would be three B days and twoA days. So it would be on
this rotation, which in some waysI think was meant to make things easier
(12:54):
so that you had the time todo your homework at night. But the
thing out it was is it reallyjust gave them the excuse to assign even
more hours of homework. Right.So I was in I think I've talked
(13:15):
about this before on the podcast,especially when it was me and Sam talking.
But when I was a freshman,I was taking Algebra two, which
is two years ahead of where Iwas at, which I don't say to
brag in any way, just tosay that, like that that's where things
(13:39):
were at. So it was anadvanced class, right. I was also
in AP human geography, which isI think one of the only AP classes
you can really take as a freshman. And what else maybe human geography?
(14:00):
I was in the Advanced English advancedninth grade English class, and science it
was science. I think I hadregular science. I think I was just
in biology. I wasn't that greatat science anyway. So I had biology,
(14:24):
which was normal class, Algebra twoap human geography, and advanced English.
I also was taking a language.I was taking Spanish, which it
was like not beginner Spanish either,it was like after three years of taking
Spanish Spanish. So all pretty muchadvanced classes and a lot. I would
(14:50):
say each of those classes, probablyaside from my biology class, which was
a normal or a normal level class, would assign about one to two hours
of homework, which if you thinkabout that, right, so then that's
(15:11):
one, two, three, four, four classes that I had that were
advanced classes and one to two hoursof homework at nights, and then that's
well, we'll just say, let'sjust say an hour, just to keep
it safe, right, an hour, So that's four hours of homework that
(15:35):
needed to be done for these classes. And let's say I had two one
day into another day, which isnot the case at all, but let's
just say I had two one day, two another day, So then that's
two hours of homework for those forthat day and two hours for the next
day, right, Well, forthose classes and interchanging, and I had
(15:58):
other class glasses that required homework too. I had four other classes that needed
homework, and let's say that eachof those classes was like thirty minutes of
homework like half the time. Sothen each night, that meant that I
had three hours of homework. Asa teenager, I had extra curricular activities.
(16:23):
You're encouraged to do extracurricular stuff.I did, like theater tech and
things like that. So that's oneto two hours that I would spend after
school. So school would end alittle bit before three o'clock. Two hours
of extracurriculars after school, that putsus at five o'clock. It took me
(16:48):
about half an hour to get homefrom school half an hour to an hour
depending, So that puts us atsix o'clock, which is like right around
dinner time. So then there's dinner. Then I had chores to do it
at home. I had to dothe dishes, I had to clean up
(17:08):
after myself. I had to cleanthe kitchen, I had to clean the
living room, all sorts of stuff. So then that puts us at like
eight o'clock at night. So thenI still had three hours of homework to
do at eight o'clock at night.Tell me why, Like, like,
how ridiculous is that three hours ofhomework, So then going to bed at
(17:32):
eleven if I went to bed rightafter, like I do the homework and
I go to bed right after,no breaks, nothing, go to bed,
and then wake up in the morningat five thirty, so I can
get to school by and be inschool and in class by seven. Like
(17:55):
that's crazy, that's insane. Andthat's coming from what I had to go
through in as like a freshman infour like in four accelerated classes. That's
not even taking into account when thingsget really serious when I was a junior,
(18:18):
which some of my classes I didn'tend up taking as a junior that
were like advanced classes because I hadfailed or not failed, but I had
done poorly, so then they endedup putting me into some more regular classes.
But as a junior, I thinkI had Yeah, No, as
(18:38):
a junior, I had regular history. I was in AP. Was I
an AP? I don't remember.As a junior, that's like the year
that's the most important for college,right because is those are the last that's
(19:03):
kind of the last grades that youhave as the end of your junior year
to be submitted into colleges. Ifyou're starting to submit to colleges in the
fall of your senior year to hearback by the spring, right, so
really important you have your acts,which everybody makes this huge deal about the
(19:26):
acts, like you do these practicetests for the acts like constantly, or
the SATs whatever. It's just somuch pressure. So like putting all that
pressure into like homework and things thatare in some cases also the same like
(19:48):
menial sort of tasks of like redoingequations that we had in class that day.
Just this is the same concept thatyou're redoing over and over to prove
that you learned the concept. Whena lot of the times, and again
this is in no way bragging,a lot of the times I would get
(20:11):
the concepts after one or two tries, one or two equations, Like sure
there were some there were some timeswhen it wouldn't come just naturally to me
and I needed a little practice.But it's like we would do that practice
in class, and then the assignmentfor homework was just to do the same
(20:33):
thing again. You know, Iunderstood when we had to do when we
had homework that was like let's goover everything we've learned this chapter or this
you know, period of I don'tknow this quarter whatever, and like,
(20:56):
let's review everything before we have amajor test. So then we review everything,
do like a worksheet sort of thingin class, and then we're given
a steady packet to take home.I understand the need for doing that because
it's a refresh of things that welearned over courses, like over weeks of
time and things. Can you know, you can forget things pretty easily,
(21:18):
so being forced to redo those thingsagain makes sense. But when it's literally
you learned it that day, youtake it home to do that night,
like, I just think that's silly. When it came to like Aphum in
geography, a lot of the timesit was literally, just read the book
(21:40):
and take notes, do notes foryour reading, and then turn those in.
That's all it was. All Ihad to do is take notes.
But at the same time, it'slike, how do you take notes?
And maybe that's my fault because wenever really I never really learned ways to
(22:03):
take notes for different people. Therewas only one way that you learn how
to take notes, and that's theway they say that you're supposed to do
it, when in reality, likeyou should be doing notes that works for
you, so you have to figureout what works for you, and I
just never really took the time todo that. Why am I talking about
(22:26):
all this? I think that alot of the time when I think about
my life, when I think whyam I in this place? Why am
I in this moment right now?I look back and I think what could
I have done differently to change whereI am right now? And I think
(22:48):
about a lot of different things withthat, Like it's not just thinking about
school stuff, but thinking back ona lot of the things that I did,
things that I regret or things thatI still stand by. One of
the things that I wish I haddone differently was school because when I was
(23:17):
way younger, like probably an elementaryschool ish, I just remember being told
consistently by teachers and by adults inmy life and my family that I was
very smart, that I had,you know, the stuff that I needed
(23:38):
to be able to go really farto get out of, you know,
the same life that had come sameas the lives that had come before me.
And I remember being told that allthe time. And I knew that
I was smart. I knew thatI was intelligent, and I had like
(24:02):
I would think of people would saylike what do you want to do when
you grow up? And I rememberthinking like maybe I want to do this,
Maybe I want to do this,maybe I want to do this,
And every I don't know, likeevery week, every time somebody asking me
it would be a different thing thatpopped into my head. At one point,
I wanted to be a lawyer becauseI thought lawyers make really good money
(24:26):
and they fight for what's right,and they are known for being smart,
are known for being intelligent, andI am known for being smart, like
to the people around me. Andthen at one point I thought I wanted
(24:47):
to be a doctor because I watchedGray's Anatomy with my mother and doctors seemed
cool, but also because I genuinelywanted to help people, and who helps
people more than doctors. Right anotherpoint in time, not for very long,
(25:08):
but for a little bit, Ithought I wanted to be a police
officer because police officers help people.You know, That's the thing that you
think when you're a kid. Policeofficers help people. So just like this
idea, this notion over and overof like what do you want to do?
(25:29):
And the number one thing that Iknew for sure was that I was
going to go to college that Iwas going to graduate from college because my
mom, before me, she hadgone to college, and not that I
had messed it up for her,because she made that decision herself, but
I came along and she didn't finishcollege. And I think about it a
(25:56):
lot of like why I wanted todo things in a certain way, or
why I wanted a certain life,And a lot of it comes down to
what people influenced me or what peoplewanted me to do who were around me
at the time. So growing up, a lot of the times I thought,
(26:18):
my mom wants me to do whatshe didn't. My mom wants me
to be better or to do betterthan she did. And I think the
pressure of that for someone like me, who wanted to do things perfect,
who wanted to make sure that thingswere just right, or I didn't want
(26:42):
them at all, it was likewhen I started messing up, it was
like, this is already messed up. Even if I try to put it
back together, it is messed up. And there were so many other things
going on in my life and athome that made things a lot harder on
(27:07):
me. So I don't want totake all of the blame, but I
do want to take. I dowant to take some of it, because
in the end, I'm the onewho made the decision to go hang out
with friends instead of doing my homework, who made the decision to lie to
my mom about where I was alot of the time, and the decision
(27:33):
to focus on things that made mefeel good instead of things that would help
my future. So I think thatwhen I look at where my life is
now, meaning that where I thoughtI would be right now ten years ago
(28:00):
is not where I am, Andwhat does that say about me? What
does that say about what I thoughtabout myself? And that kind of also
has messed with my mind a lot. I think that one of the people
(28:22):
I'm mean to, which I'm notmean to a lot of people, but
one of the people that I'm reallymean to is myself. And I do
a lot of self reflection and tryingto think of how I could have done
something better or how I could havebeen better. And that's kind of the
whole idea for this podcast was talkingabout stories from my past and why I
(28:51):
have changed my mind now or whyI don't you know, hate the person
who did something to me, orwhy you know whatever. It's a lot
of reflection on the past. AndI think that when I have all of
this time to myself to be thinkingabout stuff like that, it really compounds
(29:17):
on me and affects my mental healthseriously, because all I have is that
time to think and think and thinkand think and think and think. And
it's like, every day I makedecisions that impact myself, my future and
other people. And we all makemistakes, right, but I constantly stress
(29:48):
and think about those mistakes over andover and over again. You know.
Recently, somebody from my past reachedout to me and we were talking,
and I could see how the thingsand the choices that I made have impacted
this person to this day. Andnot that I have all the blame for
(30:18):
things how things happened, but Ido have some and it really hurt me
to listen to this person's troubles thatthey've gone through where they're at in their
life now. And I think thatone of the biggest things with this conversation
(30:45):
was that I haven't come as faras I've needed to in the space that
I created between me and this otherperson. I haven't come as far as
I've wanted to, and I've movedon, but there's a lot of reasons
(31:12):
why things didn't work out between meand this other person, and I need
to be more. I need toreally figure out my stuff. Honestly,
one of the biggest things that Ican remember, even when I was little,
(31:33):
when people would say what do youwant to be? I knew I
didn't always know the profession, likeI would come up with a new profession
every time, but I knew thatwhat would go along with it was and
be a mom. Always wanted tobe a mom. I've always wanted to
be a mother. I always knewthat I would be a good mom because
(31:56):
I have those qualities that I thinkmake a good mom. I'm compassionate,
I'm loving, I'm caring. Iam always thinking ahead of like what do
(32:19):
we need for this thing? Likelike, as an example, if we
were to go on a camping trip, right there are so many things that
you need to be able to gocamping to make it like just in case
you would need something, and Ican, like days before think of every
(32:43):
single thing that needs to be includedand make sure that's all put together.
Impact Like I have that gene insideof me and that ability so long as
I have control of the situation,control of like what's going on and the
plans. I will make sure wehave everything we need right when we would
(33:07):
go to the beach, when Ilived in California and we were going to
the beach for the day, Likewhat do we need? We need chairs,
we need a blinket, We needto bring cooler so that we have
drinks and water and stuff for theday. Need to make sure that we
have sunscreen. We need to makesure that we have towels. We need
(33:30):
to make sure that we pack thebag full so that we have you know,
other stuff to do. I needto make sure I bring a book
for when I don't want to beswimming in the ocean. You make sure
bring ziplock bags to put stuff thatcannot get wet in the ziplock bags.
You know, Like I have thatskill, and I think that like if
(33:51):
you don't have that skill, youcan be a good mom. But I
think having that skill makes you likejust more prepared to be a mom,
you know, like you have thisextra set of skills that will help you
to be a better mom. Andthen when I was thinking about a lot
of the things that I wanted tobe, maybe not the lawyer, but
(34:14):
a lot of the things that Iconsidered being, which was, you know,
being a chef, being a doctor, being what else did I want
to be. I think at onepoint I thought about wanting to be a
(34:36):
oh what is it called? Beingall else? I think at one point
I did consider wanting to be likea teacher. Anyway, all of those
(34:57):
professions, it all boiled down toI need those skills to be a good
mom, like being a doctor,knowing what I needed to do in case
something happened with my kid, incase they hurt themselves and because they got
sick, that I would know whatneeded to be done, because I would
know everything that there was to knowabout that thing. Going to culinary school.
(35:23):
It really just boiled down to mewanting to be a good cook so
that I could cook for a familysomeday. And I have aspirations outside of
that, of course, but Ithink that I have just always wanted to
(35:44):
be a parent. I've always wantedto be a mom. I've always wanted
to have a family of my own, and I think that that comes from
a lot of things growing up,obviously, but it's something I've always wanted
(36:07):
and looking at my life where itis right now, I'm pretty much single
and I don't live on my own. I have just gone through this whole,
huge health situation that puts me ina place where I'm not in a
(36:29):
position to be going out and datingpeople. So it's like every day I
feel like I'm more and more offcourse of the path that I had wanted,
that I had created for myself,because I'm not gonna get it to
you. Ten years ago, Iwell, a little bit more than ten
(36:50):
years ago. When I was fourteenor so, I really thought in my
head that by the time I wastwenty four that I would be married and
have kids and be having kids orsomething to that effect, like I'd be
married and be having kids. Andthat's just not what happened. It's not
(37:14):
even close to what happened. Andif I didn't have those things, I
thought, of course that I wouldhave gone to college and had a degree
and be working the job that Iwanted to be doing, the thing that
I was educated in. I'm notdoing that either, So it's just this
(37:37):
big, like cosmic shift in whatI thought would have happened. And that
makes sense because you don't know,you don't know what's going to happen.
To your life ten years from now. I have no idea where I'm going
to be ten years from this moment, but making plans is what I do
(38:00):
best. It's my favorite thing todo is make plans and stick to them.
So the fact that I didn't stickto that plan, that I didn't
stay on the course that I thoughtmy life was going to take, is
hard. It's really hard for me. So this time that I've been taking
(38:22):
to think and reflect and try andmake plans for the future has really been
a journey for me. It's beena hard road, and a lot of
(38:46):
what I want for my future rightnow is kind of up in the air.
Stuff. It's stuff that I don'tknow if I can latch down,
if I can make reel. Itfeels very not unattainable, but out of
(39:15):
reach at the moment, Like Ican feel my fingertips touching it, but
I'm not holding it. Does thatmake sense? Like? Am I making
sense you, guys? I don'tknow. But a lot of the things
(39:37):
that I want just seems like it'sout of my grasp and I know that
it can happen. I know thatI can do it, but it's like
when or how that I don't know, and that scares me. That really
scares me. So aside from that, there's been so many things that I
(40:08):
have wanted to do that I can'tdo. There's been a lot of moments
where I am just so sick ofbeing in my own company, and it's
kind of like it's giving me thesame feeling of COVID, like because we
(40:36):
couldn't go anywhere, right and duringthe majority of COVID, I was for
the majority of COVID, I wasnot working and not doing anything, like
(40:57):
I was on unemployment because I gotlet go from my job. So I
was on unemployment and I was stillgetting money, so that was okay,
but I wasn't going anywhere. Iwasn't doing anything. I was terrified to
do anything because I have lupus,and so I was so scared to get
(41:17):
COVID, like it terrified me.So I was just home all the time.
And at the time, I wasin a committed relationship with someone and
we were living together, and sothe only person that I saw was him
every day, but he went towork, he left and was at work,
(41:40):
and so it was just me bymyself for a lot of the time.
So this is actually even a stepfurther than that, where like I
am completely alone, Like I don'teven sleep next to any buddy. I
(42:00):
don't have time laying in bed watchinga TV show with someone. So it's
like really given the same vibes andin some ways worse, in some ways
better, but it's been difficult.I feel like I need to when I'm
(42:27):
better, I need to interact withmore people. I need to be getting
out there and having conversations and spendingtime with other people, Like I need
to be social. When I thinkabout the happiest quote unquote time of my
life, like the time when Ifelt the most happy would have to be
(43:00):
when I was in high school.Funny enough, because that was also the
worst time of my life simultaneously.The best time I can think of is
the times when I had my littlelike friend group and we would go out
(43:23):
and we would go and do things. We'd got the movies. We would
hang out at a park for hours, we would be working on stuff together.
We would be just hanging out doingwhatever, walking through target for hours.
Oh my gosh, Like that's socrazy thinking back on it, but
(43:50):
I was so happy to do that. And maybe it's not even that it
was the best thing ever, becausealternative was being at home and that was
some of the worst times ever.But like, when I think about that
time, the things that made mehappy, it was being around a bunch
(44:14):
of people that cared about me andI cared about them, and just doing
stuff that made us smile, thatmade us happy. So thinking on that,
it makes me realize that it's beena really long time since I had
(44:35):
like a group of friends, likea clique of friends, you know.
I don't know if that means thatI need to like how do you get
that as an adult? Like whatdo you do for that as an adult?
(44:59):
Like when I've worked at places,sometimes that's happened and I've had that,
but I've had to work there fora while to be able to obtain
that, and then I leave thatjob and that completely goes away, vanish
and that vanishes, So like,how do you keep that? For a
(45:22):
long time, I thought maybe whenI started college that that would be when
I would start making these groups offriends, you know, And maybe that's
the answer. I don't know,but I do know that I need to
figure it out because this being aloneby myself all the time isn't gonna cut
(45:46):
it is is not it? That'snot it, So I want to path
to figure that out. If anybodyhas any suggestion questions for me, things
that you've done, things that haveworked for you, that would be really
(46:06):
helpful, So I would appreciate thatinformation. But to wrap things up,
just as a reminder, there isa Patreon that I publish things too sparingly
because there's not a lot of peopleon our Patreon right now, but with
(46:27):
more people would pressure me into actuallyposting more content and things like that.
There is also our website which isthe dash Mariah dash affect dot com and
that has all the links to oursocial media pages and our information. It
(46:49):
also has blog posts that I havepublished instead of the one that I didn't
publish, and also information about upcomingthings going on. So it would mean
a lot to me if you followedus on those And next week I'm pretty
(47:10):
sure will be an episode with meand Jason. Another episode to come will
be one with me and Mallory,so you guys will get to meet her.
But that is all I have foryou all I have to talk about
this week. Let me know whatyou guys think. Thanks for listening. Bye b
Hey, everybody, Welcome to theMaria Fex podcast time Mariah, and this
is another solo week. You mayhave noticed that last week there wasn't an
episode. I have been up anddown and all over the place with whether
or not I am feeling good.I feel like a lot of a lot
(01:23):
of what has been going on recentlyhas been like a lot of nothing.
When I take advantage of the nothingness, you know, by also doing nothing,
if that makes sense, Like Idon't have anything planned to do,
or there's no deadlines or whatever andso and I'm feeling okay, So I
(01:47):
take up that time of nothingness bydoing you know, silly things like I'll
do laundry, which is important,or cleaning up my room and stuff,
which is also important. But Ieither do way too much in this time
of nothing and I end up likewearing myself out, so then I feel
(02:09):
horrible the next day and then feelhorrible for a couple of days. Or
I do absolutely nothing with the nothingnesstime so that when it is time for
something to be done, like Idon't know, a podcast episode, something
(02:30):
pops up and gets in the way. So last week I won't go into
too many details because because you know, I didn't talk to this person about
talking about it. But somebody thatI know got into a motorcycle accident and
(02:50):
bust it up their face pretty bad. They were in the hospital, they
had surgery, They are okay.But the whole thing happened on a Wednesday
night, and then I spent asignificant portion of the next day trying to
trying to figure out what was goingon, going to go see them,
(03:16):
running around with my brother and tryingto help him out with stuff he needed
to do. So it was justlike a lot of chaotic stuff that happened
during the time that I planned tofilm an episode, to record an episode,
and then it just got to lastminute, and I was talking to
(03:38):
my mom, Darsana, and shewas like, why don't you do like
a blog or do a blog entryor whatever. And I was like,
you know what, that's a goodidea. So I start typing the blog
entry and I get super, supertired, and I go to sleep,
and then I woke up the nextmorning. And I'm the type of person
(04:00):
that is a perfectionist. So ifsomething isn't perfect, if something doesn't fit
in exactly what I had as apicture in my mind, then I don't
want it, which is kind ofcrazy, kind of I don't want to
(04:25):
say toxic because that sounds really bad, but I think it's kind of unhealthy
at times. The nature of that, like I spend an exorbitant amount of
time trying to make something perfect,and if I can't get it perfect,
(04:45):
I delete it. So the timesthat I've done this podcast, for instance,
when I do it by myself,especially if I don't like it,
I delete it and I redo itagain. So the Father's Day episode,
the father, Yeah, the Father'sDay episode that I did, which was
(05:06):
like the first one that I didcompletely by myself. I recorded it three
times. And by recorded it threetimes, I mean I spent an hour
recording and realized that I was justkind of babbling at a certain point and
was like, Mmm, I'm gonnastop talking right now, actually delete this
(05:30):
because it's all over the place.I already know it, and I'm gonna
start again. And I think thatwas more than an hour, and I
think I was like an hour twentyminutes. And I realized that I had
been talking for an hour and twentyminutes, and I was like, oh,
we're gonna do that again. Sothen I recorded another one, which
was a little under an hour Ithink, and started listening to it like,
(05:53):
Okay, I can you know,chop this up and put it together
in a way that makes sense withwhat I was saying, and I just
there were a couple of things thatdidn't I didn't like about that one either.
I don't know why. I don'tremember what was wrong with it exactly.
There's something wrong with it, though, so I deleted that got rid
(06:17):
of it. I'm not sure whatit is in my personality that made me
this way. I can't think ofwhere it might have started or anything like
that. I haven't really thought thatmuch about it or talked to anybody about
it on any significant interpersonal level.But I feel like something like this is
(06:50):
a big reason why I've had somany issues with school work and things like
that, because when I was growingup, I had a hard time with
turning in homework. Homework was ahuge problem for me when I was in
(07:15):
Actually I think it started in middleschool when I was in sixth grade.
I remember I had this class,and I'm sure I did it to other
classes, but I specifically remember formy Language Arts class, or otherwise known
as English class, I had ahard time with turning in the assignments because
(07:41):
the assignments were very menial tasks tome in my opinion, which I think
a lot of homework is I don'twant to say stupid, but is ridiculous,
is at times too much for studentsto be doing. But in that
(08:09):
class, I remember we had thesehomework assignments that, for all intents and
purposes, were just to make surethat you were following along with the book
that we were supposed to be reading. But a lot of times it was
like filling out a sheet of paperabout I don't know, like what you
read, the part that you hadread of the book that night, or
(08:33):
your thoughts on it or something likethat. I don't remember specifically, but
it was something to that effect,and I just thought, you know,
this is ridiculous, Like I don'twant to write down what I thought about
the book in this little like requiredassignment. Like I should write down what
(08:54):
I think about the book when Ihave thoughts about the book, not when
i've read fifteen pages, which ofcourse is like how they assigned things.
It's not like, oh, readuntil you feel like you get to a
stopping point. It's like read theseassigned fifteen pages or this assigned chapter or
whatever, and I just thought itwas silly, so I didn't do it.
(09:18):
And I remember it got to apoint where I was not failing,
I don't think, but I wasgetting like I was in the C territory,
and then it got to the Dterritory and it was this crazy thing
because why, as a person wholoves, like straight up loves reading books,
(09:41):
cannot get enough of literature, whyam I like failing this class?
I'm reading the books, I'm doingthe classwork. When we have to do
class work, I'm enjoying talking andhaving discussions. Why am I failing?
And it all had to do withhomework, Like I didn't enjoy these menial
(10:07):
tasks of having to write down stuff. And I think, thinking on it,
the reason why is because I didn'twant to put in the effort that
it takes to make it perfect,because I didn't want to turn in things
that weren't perfect. Right, Soif I read these fifteen pages and I
(10:28):
didn't have any substantial thoughts about whatwas happening in those fifteen pages, I
felt like I was failing or Iwas wrong or something, because why don't
I have some brilliant idea about thesepages, like somebody else or like what
(10:50):
they expect me to think, right, So I'm not sure that I can
blame everything on that entirely. Iwill say that there's a lot of things
that I just didn't want to dobecause I was a teenager and I said,
this is stupid. But another pointthat I make about talking about homework
(11:18):
is when you're in high school.I don't think like they make it clear
when you're in high school and you'rein these classes that are AP classes or
you know, the higher advanced sortof classes that they assign homework that is
just absolutely insane levels of homework.And I recognize that it is in preparation
(11:41):
of college, which is very similarof like these enormously taxing hours and hours
of homework for one class. Butwhen you're in high school, like the
way my high school was is itwas you had i would say eight classes,
(12:05):
ten classes. Maybe I'm trying toremember because it's a while ago,
but it was like you had fourperiods in the day. Yep, okay,
so you had eight classes. Thenthe guys you had four periods in
(12:28):
the day. And what they woulddo is they would do four periods one
day, and then the other fourperiods the next day, and back and
forth, and so then it wouldswitch. So every every week it was
like three A days and two Bdays, and then the next week it
would be three B days and twoA days. So it would be on
this rotation, which in some waysI think was meant to make things easier
(12:54):
so that you had the time todo your homework at night. But the
thing out it was is it reallyjust gave them the excuse to assign even
more hours of homework. Right.So I was in I think I've talked
(13:15):
about this before on the podcast,especially when it was me and Sam talking.
But when I was a freshman,I was taking Algebra two, which
is two years ahead of where Iwas at, which I don't say to
brag in any way, just tosay that, like that that's where things
(13:39):
were at. So it was anadvanced class, right. I was also
in AP human geography, which isI think one of the only AP classes
you can really take as a freshman. And what else maybe human geography?
(14:00):
I was in the Advanced English advancedninth grade English class, and science it
was science. I think I hadregular science. I think I was just
in biology. I wasn't that greatat science anyway. So I had biology,
(14:24):
which was normal class, Algebra twoap human geography, and advanced English.
I also was taking a language.I was taking Spanish, which it
was like not beginner Spanish either,it was like after three years of taking
Spanish Spanish. So all pretty muchadvanced classes and a lot. I would
(14:50):
say each of those classes, probablyaside from my biology class, which was
a normal or a normal level class, would assign about one to two hours
of homework, which if you thinkabout that, right, so then that's
(15:11):
one, two, three, four, four classes that I had that were
advanced classes and one to two hoursof homework at nights, and then that's
well, we'll just say, let'sjust say an hour, just to keep
it safe, right, an hour, So that's four hours of homework that
(15:35):
needed to be done for these classes. And let's say I had two one
day into another day, which isnot the case at all, but let's
just say I had two one day, two another day, So then that's
two hours of homework for those forthat day and two hours for the next
day, right, Well, forthose classes and interchanging, and I had
(15:58):
other class glasses that required homework too. I had four other classes that needed
homework, and let's say that eachof those classes was like thirty minutes of
homework like half the time. Sothen each night, that meant that I
had three hours of homework. Asa teenager, I had extra curricular activities.
(16:23):
You're encouraged to do extracurricular stuff.I did, like theater tech and
things like that. So that's oneto two hours that I would spend after
school. So school would end alittle bit before three o'clock. Two hours
of extracurriculars after school, that putsus at five o'clock. It took me
(16:48):
about half an hour to get homefrom school half an hour to an hour
depending, So that puts us atsix o'clock, which is like right around
dinner time. So then there's dinner. Then I had chores to do it
at home. I had to dothe dishes, I had to clean up
(17:08):
after myself. I had to cleanthe kitchen, I had to clean the
living room, all sorts of stuff. So then that puts us at like
eight o'clock at night. So thenI still had three hours of homework to
do at eight o'clock at night.Tell me why, Like, like,
how ridiculous is that three hours ofhomework, So then going to bed at
(17:32):
eleven if I went to bed rightafter, like I do the homework and
I go to bed right after,no breaks, nothing, go to bed,
and then wake up in the morningat five thirty, so I can
get to school by and be inschool and in class by seven. Like
(17:55):
that's crazy, that's insane. Andthat's coming from what I had to go
through in as like a freshman infour like in four accelerated classes. That's
not even taking into account when thingsget really serious when I was a junior,
(18:18):
which some of my classes I didn'tend up taking as a junior that
were like advanced classes because I hadfailed or not failed, but I had
done poorly, so then they endedup putting me into some more regular classes.
But as a junior, I thinkI had Yeah, No, as
(18:38):
a junior, I had regular history. I was in AP. Was I
an AP? I don't remember.As a junior, that's like the year
that's the most important for college,right because is those are the last that's
(19:03):
kind of the last grades that youhave as the end of your junior year
to be submitted into colleges. Ifyou're starting to submit to colleges in the
fall of your senior year to hearback by the spring, right, so
really important you have your acts,which everybody makes this huge deal about the
(19:26):
acts, like you do these practicetests for the acts like constantly, or
the SATs whatever. It's just somuch pressure. So like putting all that
pressure into like homework and things thatare in some cases also the same like
(19:48):
menial sort of tasks of like redoingequations that we had in class that day.
Just this is the same concept thatyou're redoing over and over to prove
that you learned the concept. Whena lot of the times, and again
this is in no way bragging,a lot of the times I would get
(20:11):
the concepts after one or two tries, one or two equations, Like sure
there were some there were some timeswhen it wouldn't come just naturally to me
and I needed a little practice.But it's like we would do that practice
in class, and then the assignmentfor homework was just to do the same
(20:33):
thing again. You know, Iunderstood when we had to do when we
had homework that was like let's goover everything we've learned this chapter or this
you know, period of I don'tknow this quarter whatever, and like,
(20:56):
let's review everything before we have amajor test. So then we review everything,
do like a worksheet sort of thingin class, and then we're given
a steady packet to take home.I understand the need for doing that because
it's a refresh of things that welearned over courses, like over weeks of
time and things. Can you know, you can forget things pretty easily,
(21:18):
so being forced to redo those thingsagain makes sense. But when it's literally
you learned it that day, youtake it home to do that night,
like, I just think that's silly. When it came to like Aphum in
geography, a lot of the timesit was literally, just read the book
(21:40):
and take notes, do notes foryour reading, and then turn those in.
That's all it was. All Ihad to do is take notes.
But at the same time, it'slike, how do you take notes?
And maybe that's my fault because wenever really I never really learned ways to
(22:03):
take notes for different people. Therewas only one way that you learn how
to take notes, and that's theway they say that you're supposed to do
it, when in reality, likeyou should be doing notes that works for
you, so you have to figureout what works for you, and I
just never really took the time todo that. Why am I talking about
(22:26):
all this? I think that alot of the time when I think about
my life, when I think whyam I in this place? Why am
I in this moment right now?I look back and I think what could
I have done differently to change whereI am right now? And I think
(22:48):
about a lot of different things withthat, Like it's not just thinking about
school stuff, but thinking back ona lot of the things that I did,
things that I regret or things thatI still stand by. One of
the things that I wish I haddone differently was school because when I was
(23:17):
way younger, like probably an elementaryschool ish, I just remember being told
consistently by teachers and by adults inmy life and my family that I was
very smart, that I had,you know, the stuff that I needed
(23:38):
to be able to go really farto get out of, you know,
the same life that had come sameas the lives that had come before me.
And I remember being told that allthe time. And I knew that
I was smart. I knew thatI was intelligent, and I had like
(24:02):
I would think of people would saylike what do you want to do when
you grow up? And I rememberthinking like maybe I want to do this,
Maybe I want to do this,maybe I want to do this,
And every I don't know, likeevery week, every time somebody asking me
it would be a different thing thatpopped into my head. At one point,
I wanted to be a lawyer becauseI thought lawyers make really good money
(24:26):
and they fight for what's right,and they are known for being smart,
are known for being intelligent, andI am known for being smart, like
to the people around me. Andthen at one point I thought I wanted
(24:47):
to be a doctor because I watchedGray's Anatomy with my mother and doctors seemed
cool, but also because I genuinelywanted to help people, and who helps
people more than doctors. Right anotherpoint in time, not for very long,
(25:08):
but for a little bit, Ithought I wanted to be a police
officer because police officers help people.You know, That's the thing that you
think when you're a kid. Policeofficers help people. So just like this
idea, this notion over and overof like what do you want to do?
(25:29):
And the number one thing that Iknew for sure was that I was
going to go to college that Iwas going to graduate from college because my
mom, before me, she hadgone to college, and not that I
had messed it up for her,because she made that decision herself, but
I came along and she didn't finishcollege. And I think about it a
(25:56):
lot of like why I wanted todo things in a certain way, or
why I wanted a certain life,And a lot of it comes down to
what people influenced me or what peoplewanted me to do who were around me
at the time. So growing up, a lot of the times I thought,
(26:18):
my mom wants me to do whatshe didn't. My mom wants me
to be better or to do betterthan she did. And I think the
pressure of that for someone like me, who wanted to do things perfect,
who wanted to make sure that thingswere just right, or I didn't want
(26:42):
them at all, it was likewhen I started messing up, it was
like, this is already messed up. Even if I try to put it
back together, it is messed up. And there were so many other things
going on in my life and athome that made things a lot harder on
(27:07):
me. So I don't want totake all of the blame, but I
do want to take. I dowant to take some of it, because
in the end, I'm the onewho made the decision to go hang out
with friends instead of doing my homework, who made the decision to lie to
my mom about where I was alot of the time, and the decision
(27:33):
to focus on things that made mefeel good instead of things that would help
my future. So I think thatwhen I look at where my life is
now, meaning that where I thoughtI would be right now ten years ago
(28:00):
is not where I am, Andwhat does that say about me? What
does that say about what I thoughtabout myself? And that kind of also
has messed with my mind a lot. I think that one of the people
(28:22):
I'm mean to, which I'm notmean to a lot of people, but
one of the people that I'm reallymean to is myself. And I do
a lot of self reflection and tryingto think of how I could have done
something better or how I could havebeen better. And that's kind of the
whole idea for this podcast was talkingabout stories from my past and why I
(28:51):
have changed my mind now or whyI don't you know, hate the person
who did something to me, orwhy you know whatever. It's a lot
of reflection on the past. AndI think that when I have all of
this time to myself to be thinkingabout stuff like that, it really compounds
(29:17):
on me and affects my mental healthseriously, because all I have is that
time to think and think and thinkand think and think and think. And
it's like, every day I makedecisions that impact myself, my future and
other people. And we all makemistakes, right, but I constantly stress
(29:48):
and think about those mistakes over andover and over again. You know.
Recently, somebody from my past reachedout to me and we were talking,
and I could see how the thingsand the choices that I made have impacted
this person to this day. Andnot that I have all the blame for
(30:18):
things how things happened, but Ido have some and it really hurt me
to listen to this person's troubles thatthey've gone through where they're at in their
life now. And I think thatone of the biggest things with this conversation
(30:45):
was that I haven't come as faras I've needed to in the space that
I created between me and this otherperson. I haven't come as far as
I've wanted to, and I've movedon, but there's a lot of reasons
(31:12):
why things didn't work out between meand this other person, and I need
to be more. I need toreally figure out my stuff. Honestly,
one of the biggest things that Ican remember, even when I was little,
(31:33):
when people would say what do youwant to be? I knew I
didn't always know the profession, likeI would come up with a new profession
every time, but I knew thatwhat would go along with it was and
be a mom. Always wanted tobe a mom. I've always wanted to
be a mother. I always knewthat I would be a good mom because
(31:56):
I have those qualities that I thinkmake a good mom. I'm compassionate,
I'm loving, I'm caring. Iam always thinking ahead of like what do
(32:19):
we need for this thing? Likelike, as an example, if we
were to go on a camping trip, right there are so many things that
you need to be able to gocamping to make it like just in case
you would need something, and Ican, like days before think of every
(32:43):
single thing that needs to be includedand make sure that's all put together.
Impact Like I have that gene insideof me and that ability so long as
I have control of the situation,control of like what's going on and the
plans. I will make sure wehave everything we need right when we would
(33:07):
go to the beach, when Ilived in California and we were going to
the beach for the day, Likewhat do we need? We need chairs,
we need a blinket, We needto bring cooler so that we have
drinks and water and stuff for theday. Need to make sure that we
have sunscreen. We need to makesure that we have towels. We need
(33:30):
to make sure that we pack thebag full so that we have you know,
other stuff to do. I needto make sure I bring a book
for when I don't want to beswimming in the ocean. You make sure
bring ziplock bags to put stuff thatcannot get wet in the ziplock bags.
You know, Like I have thatskill, and I think that like if
(33:51):
you don't have that skill, youcan be a good mom. But I
think having that skill makes you likejust more prepared to be a mom,
you know, like you have thisextra set of skills that will help you
to be a better mom. Andthen when I was thinking about a lot
of the things that I wanted tobe, maybe not the lawyer, but
(34:14):
a lot of the things that Iconsidered being, which was, you know,
being a chef, being a doctor, being what else did I want
to be. I think at onepoint I thought about wanting to be a
(34:36):
oh what is it called? Beingall else? I think at one point
I did consider wanting to be likea teacher. Anyway, all of those
(34:57):
professions, it all boiled down toI need those skills to be a good
mom, like being a doctor,knowing what I needed to do in case
something happened with my kid, incase they hurt themselves and because they got
sick, that I would know whatneeded to be done, because I would
know everything that there was to knowabout that thing. Going to culinary school.
(35:23):
It really just boiled down to mewanting to be a good cook so
that I could cook for a familysomeday. And I have aspirations outside of
that, of course, but Ithink that I have just always wanted to
(35:44):
be a parent. I've always wantedto be a mom. I've always wanted
to have a family of my own, and I think that that comes from
a lot of things growing up,obviously, but it's something I've always wanted
(36:07):
and looking at my life where itis right now, I'm pretty much single
and I don't live on my own. I have just gone through this whole,
huge health situation that puts me ina place where I'm not in a
(36:29):
position to be going out and datingpeople. So it's like every day I
feel like I'm more and more offcourse of the path that I had wanted,
that I had created for myself,because I'm not gonna get it to
you. Ten years ago, Iwell, a little bit more than ten
(36:50):
years ago. When I was fourteenor so, I really thought in my
head that by the time I wastwenty four that I would be married and
have kids and be having kids orsomething to that effect, like I'd be
married and be having kids. Andthat's just not what happened. It's not
(37:14):
even close to what happened. Andif I didn't have those things, I
thought, of course that I wouldhave gone to college and had a degree
and be working the job that Iwanted to be doing, the thing that
I was educated in. I'm notdoing that either, So it's just this
(37:37):
big, like cosmic shift in whatI thought would have happened. And that
makes sense because you don't know,you don't know what's going to happen.
To your life ten years from now. I have no idea where I'm going
to be ten years from this moment, but making plans is what I do
(38:00):
best. It's my favorite thing todo is make plans and stick to them.
So the fact that I didn't stickto that plan, that I didn't
stay on the course that I thoughtmy life was going to take, is
hard. It's really hard for me. So this time that I've been taking
(38:22):
to think and reflect and try andmake plans for the future has really been
a journey for me. It's beena hard road, and a lot of
(38:46):
what I want for my future rightnow is kind of up in the air.
Stuff. It's stuff that I don'tknow if I can latch down,
if I can make reel. Itfeels very not unattainable, but out of
(39:15):
reach at the moment, Like Ican feel my fingertips touching it, but
I'm not holding it. Does thatmake sense? Like? Am I making
sense you, guys? I don'tknow. But a lot of the things
(39:37):
that I want just seems like it'sout of my grasp and I know that
it can happen. I know thatI can do it, but it's like
when or how that I don't know, and that scares me. That really
scares me. So aside from that, there's been so many things that I
(40:08):
have wanted to do that I can'tdo. There's been a lot of moments
where I am just so sick ofbeing in my own company, and it's
kind of like it's giving me thesame feeling of COVID, like because we
(40:36):
couldn't go anywhere, right and duringthe majority of COVID, I was for
the majority of COVID, I wasnot working and not doing anything, like
(40:57):
I was on unemployment because I gotlet go from my job. So I
was on unemployment and I was stillgetting money, so that was okay,
but I wasn't going anywhere. Iwasn't doing anything. I was terrified to
do anything because I have lupus,and so I was so scared to get
(41:17):
COVID, like it terrified me.So I was just home all the time.
And at the time, I wasin a committed relationship with someone and
we were living together, and sothe only person that I saw was him
every day, but he went towork, he left and was at work,
(41:40):
and so it was just me bymyself for a lot of the time.
So this is actually even a stepfurther than that, where like I
am completely alone, Like I don'teven sleep next to any buddy. I
(42:00):
don't have time laying in bed watchinga TV show with someone. So it's
like really given the same vibes andin some ways worse, in some ways
better, but it's been difficult.I feel like I need to when I'm
(42:27):
better, I need to interact withmore people. I need to be getting
out there and having conversations and spendingtime with other people, Like I need
to be social. When I thinkabout the happiest quote unquote time of my
life, like the time when Ifelt the most happy would have to be
(43:00):
when I was in high school.Funny enough, because that was also the
worst time of my life simultaneously.The best time I can think of is
the times when I had my littlelike friend group and we would go out
(43:23):
and we would go and do things. We'd got the movies. We would
hang out at a park for hours, we would be working on stuff together.
We would be just hanging out doingwhatever, walking through target for hours.
Oh my gosh, Like that's socrazy thinking back on it, but
(43:50):
I was so happy to do that. And maybe it's not even that it
was the best thing ever, becausealternative was being at home and that was
some of the worst times ever.But like, when I think about that
time, the things that made mehappy, it was being around a bunch
(44:14):
of people that cared about me andI cared about them, and just doing
stuff that made us smile, thatmade us happy. So thinking on that,
it makes me realize that it's beena really long time since I had
(44:35):
like a group of friends, likea clique of friends, you know.
I don't know if that means thatI need to like how do you get
that as an adult? Like whatdo you do for that as an adult?
(44:59):
Like when I've worked at places,sometimes that's happened and I've had that,
but I've had to work there fora while to be able to obtain
that, and then I leave thatjob and that completely goes away, vanish
and that vanishes, So like,how do you keep that? For a
(45:22):
long time, I thought maybe whenI started college that that would be when
I would start making these groups offriends, you know, And maybe that's
the answer. I don't know,but I do know that I need to
figure it out because this being aloneby myself all the time isn't gonna cut
(45:46):
it is is not it? That'snot it, So I want to path
to figure that out. If anybodyhas any suggestion questions for me, things
that you've done, things that haveworked for you, that would be really
(46:06):
helpful, So I would appreciate thatinformation. But to wrap things up,
just as a reminder, there isa Patreon that I publish things too sparingly
because there's not a lot of peopleon our Patreon right now, but with
(46:27):
more people would pressure me into actuallyposting more content and things like that.
There is also our website which isthe dash Mariah dash affect dot com and
that has all the links to oursocial media pages and our information. It
(46:49):
also has blog posts that I havepublished instead of the one that I didn't
publish, and also information about upcomingthings going on. So it would mean
a lot to me if you followedus on those And next week I'm pretty
(47:10):
sure will be an episode with meand Jason. Another episode to come will
be one with me and Mallory,so you guys will get to meet her.
But that is all I have foryou all I have to talk about
this week. Let me know whatyou guys think. Thanks for listening. Bye b
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