Season 2 - Episode 5: Whatever You Do, Don't Cross the Street!

In this episode we find out Sarah's line is the fear of a kid getting hit by a car, so there's that. Listen as we recount an experience we can only hope made an impression on our kids and taught them how important it is to ensure people feel heard. Disclaimer: No children were harmed in the making of this episode.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't

(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families

(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Hey baby, I love How are
you? I'm good? How areyou good? I have a joke for
you. Ahead, ready, I'mready. Why did our idiot kids cross

(01:12):
the street? Oh geez, Idon't know why our idiot kids crossed the
street because they were explicitly told notto. Yes, they were, so
why did they cross? Because they'reidiots. That's it's right there, right
there in the Oh my goodness this, I'm still very frustrated by this.
A week ago. Yeah, atleast a week ago. Yes, and

(01:36):
it was a display of lack ofexecutive functioning. Fronie was not present for
them. No, their frontal lobeswere absent. Yes, very much so.
Yes, you had this great ideawhich always starts out lovely nice family
time, go get some cheese steaksin the city of Philadelphia. Yes,
because we've been into kind of doingthe rounds of trying to check out which

(02:00):
one's best, right, we're checkingthem off as we go. Yes,
this one happened to be particularly good. I enjoyed it. Yes, Dellasandras
salasands. Yes, yes, yougot a great cheese steak with all three
cheeses, all three? What isit? Whiz Whiz America And program fried
onons and banana peppers. That wasreally good. It almost fortunate I had

(02:25):
to share heavy, Yes you did, because it was really really, really
good. Yes, And that wouldhave been a lovely family time. Come
into the city, get some cheesesteaks. It almost didn't come to with
friends. You almost didn't get thecheeseteak. We almost didn't. They almost
got cheesteaks on their heads. Istheir last meal? Yes, So when
you go, for those who don'tknow, when you go, you have

(02:45):
to order and then wait probably likea half an hour twenty minutes, half
an hour to get your sandwiches.So and so today that day, Yes,
it's it's a process. It's anexperience, right, Yeah. The
people are always an experience when youorder and when you wait in line and
when you meet them. So it'sa whole day which could have been very

(03:06):
very fun. Yeah. As Isaid, we went with other friends as
well. And so a group often, a group of ten, group
of ten, party of ten areour typical party of ten, and our
kids wanted to play football in thefield park next door park next door,
Yes, and we wanted to goaround the corner for an adult beverage for
an adult beverage while we wait.Yes, So everybody was went to their

(03:28):
designated places, and I cross abusy street. We crossed a busy street,
double to adult beverage purveyor. Right. It was across the street,
very busy in the middle of Philadelphia, where people don't look right where they're
going, and it is it's probably, I think, one of the more
dangerous. That was very very dangerousstreet, if you asked me. So

(03:51):
I texted all the children and said, we are going here. Do not
cross the street. Text us ifyou move. That was the instruction.
Yes, these children have their phonesattached to them at all times. Yes,
unless you give them instructions, ofcourse, and then they do unless
you need them to look at thephones. And then they don't look at

(04:12):
them. Yes, we got aphone call in the middle, so they
used the phone to make the phonecall to us. I asked them if
they could grab a table on theway back all of this, and they
answered those things. Right. Butwe get back. We can't find the
children, right, they're not inthe park. We went back across the
street, back across the street.Not in the park. Our sandwiches are
ready. No kids to be found, Yes, and then suddenly they pop

(04:35):
up across the street, waving tous the very street you told them,
the very street I told them notto cross, waving to us from tables,
lost chickens across the street like Nike. Everything was fine, right and
seemingly oblivious to the one specific instructionyou gave them. Yes, so now
you know, I do some parentwork for a living A little bit talk

(04:59):
about thing brains. I also talkabout the fact that I lose it sometimes
too. Yes, well, yes, and I yes, and you know,
it can take a lot for meto lose it, especially for the
length of time. I think thatI was upset about this, yeah,
because normally we might fix it andupset about this. Yes, I'm completely

(05:21):
over it now. It's so,it's so crystal clear. Absolutely, Yeah,
this is a great topic that we'retalking about, and well, well,
will continue to talk about it withthe children for a very long period
of time until I feel like thelesson has been learned. But this is
actually what I It's a great topicto talk about here because I think that's
the question, is what happens nowNow they're across the street, They've not

(05:44):
listened to the instruction they have putthemselves in danger, which turns out is
my line. The potential death ofour children is a line for me not
just with you know, our four, but also with our other two who
are six. Yes, are myniece and nephew who I you know,
have known since they were babies.Right, So this now, now all

(06:06):
the children are in trouble at thispoint. But it's hard because they're all
span the ages of eleven to sixteen. They're not babies anymore. They're not
toddlers anymore. They're not even kidsanymore. They're teams at this point.
And so how do you get yourpoint across? We should say that almost
all of them were in this.It was really the five, right,

(06:28):
because one was our shadow, didn'tleave our side, one came with us,
yes, yes, it got herselfher Shirley Temple. Yeah, yes,
So this is the other one.So for the record, right,
we'll get one is innocent. Wewere grouping her into that we did.
Yeah, she we're ever to listento this. That would be one of
the should make that's true. Soyou know, at this point, I'm

(06:49):
very upset because I think what wasgoing through my mind is one that scares
me that they would do something likethat, especially, so one, it's
like a big few to me becauseyou've just completely disregard anything that I've said,
right, because clearly they know betterand nothing bad will ever happen to
them. They don't have the perspectivethat I do, which is that actually
the worst things have happened to mein my life. Things happen. Bad

(07:13):
things do happen, and not justdo they happen, but they've happened to
me. So at this point,you know, I recognize that my frontal
lobe is much more developed than theirs. I also recognize that they are not
capable of that kind of abstract thinking. They're literally their brains are not developed
to that point. Right, Soit's this line of Okay, what do
I want them to learn here?At that point, you know, one

(07:33):
is about them learning that maybe Ihave more of a frontal lobe than them,
and they need to listen to mesometimes even when they don't understand.
Because fun fact, three three olderones crossed the street, not at the
crosswalk, not at the light,but just right across the street and left
the two younger ones right on theother side of the street to then cross

(07:54):
themselves and to their credit. Theywent down to the light, they crossed
at the light has to crosswalk?Was you know? Yes? And you
know, we give our kids agood amount of independence. I think building
independence is important. Yeah. Imean we left them alone at a park
in the city while we went toa bar. Yes, which I believe
building those skills is important. Characterbuilding, that's what that absolutely jeez.

(08:16):
But now I feel like, listen, one of the kids is going to
travel camp and going to be alonefor a week. The other one is
playing hockey and chechia like we are. One's going to have their freaking license
too, are going to have theirlicense soon, like these are things like
these, these are big They shouldbe able to be independent and you know,
at this point, again what isthe skill? And I found it

(08:39):
very interesting because this is probably oneof the first times that I had given
an instruction that nobody listened to,and then I was upset about what they
had done, like all of themcollectively, it's not normally me to be
honest, right, that's usually Steviewonders jump yeah, or you're like you
or your role really flies a responseto that in the commons, I'm the

(09:05):
common collected yes of course of course. Yeah, So this this creates a
very interesting dynamic at this point,because one, I really want this cheesecake,
this cheese steak at this point,right, Yeah, we've waited a
long We've waited a long time.We're going to have to eat. I
also need time for my amyg tocome down because I told them I was
hungry, yes, and I andI was. It upset me that we

(09:31):
have a very good relationship, allof us, and so to do something
that that really goes against that,that was like a flagrant disregard of any
of my thoughts or feelings was verydifficult. Now, listen, the kids
do this kind of stuff all thetime, they really do, but this
one was pretty all of them collectivelydecided that it would be a great idea
to not pay attention. Right.But what I found the most interesting about

(09:52):
the dynamic was just the way thedifferent kids kind of approached me at that
point. So I told them itwasn't okay. Told them how I felt
about it. You told them howyou felt about it. Steve told them
how they like all every all theadults had communicated, but they went back
and forth between feeling bad that theygot in trouble, you know, and
I was more interested in them understandingwhy, and I think that was different

(10:16):
for a lot of them. Itwas definitely different. And I think that
they are kids are typically you knowwhen they get in trouble, and in
this case, they knew why theygot in trouble, but they still didn't
understand right, right. And thenthey also didn't understand the reaction that that
you had to them defying you know, your stay in place order, right,

(10:41):
And so I think they were theywere almost kind of like paralyzed with
I'm not sure what was going onand A it's unlike you right to have
that kind of a passionate reaction likethat to something that they do. Yes,
So I think it part of theywere immobilized a little bit because they

(11:01):
didn't know why it wasn't a reactionfrom somebody that they're not used to,
not expecting. And two, theydidn't seem to understand why you were having
the reaction that you did. Andthree I think that they just thought it
was no big deal, right.And I think there was a dynamic between
you and me also, you know, because I think on some level the

(11:22):
thing and I'm correcting if I'm wrong, But you were more upset about them
not listening to me than you wereupset about what they actually did. Yes,
And so what happens they hear fromall the adults. We eat our
cheese steaks. We walk back tothe car, and some of them get
in our car and some of themget in the other car. And you
had a moment there where in thecar are four were told to get into

(11:46):
our right? Are four? We'renot going to be allowed to go anywhere?
Yes, And you had a momentthere where you were not done expressing
your disapproval of their behavior, andyou turned to be I'm like, letting
you take the lead here, like, yeah, all right, we're playing
good cop, bad cop, andI'm on in good cop territory. Were
totally I'm like, I don't knowhow to play this character, you know,

(12:09):
like this is not the usual,you know, Like I'm just like,
yeah, she said she's going toget you, you know, like
I don't know why, but youdidn't say that. But I had already
given my band coops Field, soI'm like I already read them the riot
Act. Across the street probably curseda couple of times at him, you
know, and I did my thing, you know, like and you weren't
done, and I was just like, this is completely unfamiliar territory for everybody

(12:33):
who's sitting in this car right now, like I'm not sure exactly what what
I'm supposed to do. I thinkyou were scared with I think I was.
I was a little concerned, youknow, just just really kind for
everybody's safety in the car, likeI wasn't sure exactly where I'm gonna go,
you know, and just just sopeople know, like what I said,
I wasn't uh screaming. I waslike, I am very upset.

(12:58):
I do not like There's two things. One I think I literally said,
it's like a big fu to me. I asked you not to do something
for your safety, which is veryimportant to me, and you did it
anyway. And two, you know, I'm sure I've got very emotional there,
like if something were to happen toyou guys, Like I don't think
you understand that if you got hitby a car, like and something happened,

(13:22):
I would be devastated, Like Idon't know if I can get up
like I've seen and I don't thinkI went into it as much. And
I'm sure I will in future conversations. But I've seen a mother lose her
child. My mother lost her child, right, my sister died, So
I know what that looks like whenit happens. And I understand. And

(13:43):
I said to them, I understand. You may not think something will happen,
but I have the experience that thingshave happened. And I don't ask
you to do something very often,and I believe you know, I'm very
flexible and I'm usually very reasonable.So for you to do that first,
big f you. Second, it'sdangerous and it scares me and it's not
okay, right, which are notthings I've ever really said to the collective

(14:07):
group. Yeah, and I thinkyou were there quietly, some might say
absolutely freaking silently as I gave this. Well, like I said, I
was just like, well, I'mthe one usually like I don't know what
to do when I'm not yelling,you know, like, yeah, I
don't know, yeah, yeah whatshe said. And you, yeah,

(14:28):
you kind of you didn't yell atme. You were like, oh,
you have something to say. Ithink I was just like, nobody has
ever said that to me, Likenobody has asked me to add on to
their rant, you know, becauseusually they're like, yeah, I've never
been asked to share more of mythoughts. I'll fee legs about something like

(14:48):
that's I didn't know what to do. Yeah. I was like, you
covered everything that I would have said, you know, you even had a
little up bomb and then well,well done, well on darling, you
know, And I was just like, I didn't know I was anybody who's
looking for me to support this,like, you know, and so I
was just like, oh what shesaid, yeah, not so many words.

(15:11):
No, I'm yeah that kind ofI was like, do you have
anything to add to this? AndI I agree with that, and I
already yelled at them yeah, andyou're like, well, you know,
like you wanted they want. Youwanted them to get it again. I
wanted you well. And this isthe interesting part because we had a conversation
about this later, and what Iwas upset about is the kids had different

(15:33):
reactions to just say sorry, whichto me is just a cop out for
getting out of it. Right.They they're mad, they got they're upset,
they got in travel, and that'stheir go to like I'm getting sorry,
right. There was no understanding ofwhy I was upset. There was
no It was about at this point, now, your job, as the
children in the car or anybody inthe relationship with me, is to make

(15:54):
me feel hurt and understood. AndI realized as I'm talking to them that
they don't have have those skills.They don't and let me say this,
most people don't, right, SoI think you were asking more than they
were they were at all possible ofunderstanding. Yes, you were asking more

(16:15):
than they were capable. I disagree. I was asking more than they had
had the skill at that particular moment, but absolutely not more than they were
capable of. And they were sayingthe same thing a different well, from
a brain perspective, the age andin terms of their ages, they're very
capable of doing this, but theyneed to learn it. So what I
was looking for from you was ahey, guys, here's a great time

(16:36):
to say to Sarah that you understandthat you scared her. Because at this
point, Mi Amigs threw the roof. I need the support from the wingman
to be able to help build theskills, and I think from a wingman
perspective, you were like, holyshit, what the hell is happening?
I could use some help to figureology. I'm on very unfamiliar ground.

(16:57):
Nobody has ever asked me to supporttheir rant, right, So yeah,
I was. I didn't. Ididn't know exactly what you wanted from it.
And in your defense, you know, I think again, this is
a newer dynamic from us, youknow as well. And what I heard
when you were silent was she's crazy. She thinks this was dangerous, but

(17:18):
it wasn't that bad, so justlisten to her. So I heard,
you know, that's what I heardfrom you, and I think at one
point you even so the kid's responseis real quick, was sorry, And
I can't say anything because every timeI do, someone yells at me,
right, and I'm like, that'snot true, that's not they're both cutouts,
right like sometimes if if someone's justranting and yelling, yes, but

(17:40):
I am, I am here,and I am control. I have control
over my emotions in the sense thatI'm not screaming and yelling. But I
am being very clear and direct withyou. And I think I even said
you need to do more. Andyou know, some tried, right,
you know, And I even said, you know, you're the only one
trying. So I appreciate you atleast trying, but yeah, it was
very different territory for everybody. Andon the way home, I think you

(18:02):
said something like, oh, Sarah, look at that pretty color building and
you got to look like a deathSarah that I don't think I've ever given
you before, Like you better stuff, because we are going to sit in
this car ride for forty five minutesin absolute silence, going to make everybody
as uncomfortable as possible because mission accomplished, because conflict breeds change, and I

(18:23):
want them to feel uncomfortable maybe toour next podcast, actually because I want
them to be able to grow andhave that change. And I think that
that is hard, hard to doand hard to feel uncomfortable. Yeah,
you know, like and I don'tknow if it's one thing to be upset
about being yelled at, it's anotherthing to feel bad about something you did,
or to think about what you didor think about how to make somebody

(18:45):
else feel better or to change it, you know. And I think that
that was a very interesting thing towatch again eleven fourteen sixteen to go through
yea, and when we finally didget home five minutes later of silence,
and I also thought it was interestingthem watching you try, and knowing that
this wasn't going to happen, thatwe were all going to be in because

(19:07):
I'm normally somebody to move on prettyquickly, you know, it's usually a
lesson, We move on. ButI chose this teachable moment as we call
them in the biz, to makea major point here. And when I
got home and had some time alsofor my mug to calm down, I
think that I did realize that wewere going to have to tell them what
to do. So my next commentswere listen, clearly, your safety is

(19:29):
my button and my line you scaredme, which I don't know if I
really said the first time, andthat I'm scared because I care about you.
Got a couple of tears. Iwas like, Okay, this good
conflict. The tears are a goodthing because this is emotion. We want
them to have emotion because we knowemotion is essential for learning. By the
way, this is what happens whenyou have a psychologist involved in parenting.

(19:51):
But so they're all going to bescrewed up, just sota, but you
know, some tears, we gotsome I'm sorries again and tried, and
I think I finally said what Ineed you guys to do is tell me
that you understand what I was upset. You need to tell me what you
heard from me and why. Andthat's what's important to me right now,
because I'm not up you know,I am upset about you not listening.
Of course, that doesn't feel good, and I hope you choose to make

(20:15):
a different choice. But when you'rechoosing independent decisions later, I want you
to think about, you know,your safety also, and that these things
could happen in this moment, sothat you understand what was going on,
right, And then I finally letthem get a and then I turned on
you a little bit. What Ineed from you. It was all learning,

(20:37):
let's say. Yeah, But itwas learning for all of us,
you know. And I think thatthat's an interesting dynamic with us too,
is that you know, we're constantlylearning about how to help each other in
our relationships. So to watch thekids need to develop those skills. I
guess the point is when you're parenting, you're not just teaching right and wrong
and listen and don't you know,don't listen. It's really about teaching them

(20:59):
how to be in a relationship withsomebody when they get older and with their
friends, with their partners. Youknow, how do you respond to somebody
that has something to say. Soit's not just about who's right and who's
wrong, but it's about learning andgrowing together and listening and communicating and relating,
and those are all skills. Itwas really interesting to me to watch

(21:19):
them have to start to build.Yeah, you survived too, which is
barely. We did get home andwe had cheesecakes which were quite delicious.
And I think, I mean,I hope that the kids learned something.
I don't. You know, Ididn't turn on the guilt too strong.
I think, until you know,until I saw my son, I explained

(21:41):
more about knowing that bad things happened, right, But otherwise, you know,
I hope that it was impactful forthem. I think it made an
impression. So we're trying to doright one of the things. So use
your teachable moments, build the skills, and pay attention to the skills they
may not have. Like I knowthat I do it sometimes to an extreme

(22:02):
of even as I'm saying something tothe kids, I'm thinking, why are
they responding in this way? Whywhy can't they give me what I need
them? To give me here?What could I do to teach them those
skills and those kinds of things?But you know, hopefully in the annual
pay off. I hope so too. So to listen, guys, don't
cross the street. Yeah, Tellsandrosgo to Della Day on Della Sandro side.

(22:26):
Please for all that is good andall the serious thing. Well,
thanks for joining us for this episodeof What's Happening Here? Don't forget to
subscribe to our YouTube page or youcan follow me on Instagram at doctor Sarah
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(22:47):
all, we're all in this together, just trying to figure out what's happening here,