May 17, 2023 • 25 mins
You know how your little brains can sometimes, well most of time, forget that there are other people in the world? In this episode we talk about how to cope with this infuriating characteristic of these brains can be and how sometimes it’sOK to be a grumpy monkey about it!
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(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't
(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families
(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Yeah, Okay, what's up.
I'm in a bad mood, areyou? Yeah, I had no idea.
(01:08):
You don't show that with your bodyat all, unrusted bit Chace.
Just for everybody's information, keV didask if he could curse throughout this particular
episode, so morning for small childrenwere likely to go down. You're in
(01:29):
the car, you're moth's time.Why are you in a bad mood?
My dard? Just because of theI think. I think I've realized that
one of my biggest buttons, andwe've talked about this a little bit,
but what drives me absolutely crazy isthe lack of consideration or being inconsiderate of
(01:53):
others. Because I work very hardto be as considerate of others as I
possibly can, and when I failat that, I get very frustrated with
myself. Then I realized I wasmaybe not as considerate as I could have
been, or if I was inconsidered, And so when I am inconsiderate a
pond, inconsidered, inconsidered upon um, I get very frustrated. But especially
(02:21):
when it occurs, or when ithappens with these brains that we're working on
forming that belong to me. Yeah, but I think it's not I mean,
it's not just with Okay, okay, we'll start. We're going to
start with the little ones. Yes, not so little ones that are now
(02:42):
you know, like their necks areright about strangle strangling height, Yes,
that you can easily, just youcan. I can, I still reason.
And it's just so infuriating when yougo out of your way or you're
doing what you're supposed to be doingas a parent and you're trying to,
you know, put them first,whatever it may be. And it's not
(03:07):
even oh, it's their lack ofawareness about what somebody's doing for them or
what or how they should reciprocate inthat it drives me insane. And I
understand logically that their brains aren't developedenough yet, and their frontal lobe isn't
(03:30):
developed, and they just are incapableof recognizing the situation and behaving appropriately how
I want them to behave. Logically, I know this because I've read this
book. I like, when youhave the whole conversation yourself, I can
just here, you can understand yes, logically, yes, But the emotional
(03:54):
side of me, I don't know. I don't know if you know that
I have I'm very ancial passionate passion, your passionate, and that passion comes
in all forms, the good formand the other form, the high and
the low, the up and thedown, the yang and the yang.
(04:15):
You know. So I thought youwere going to jump in there with another
one. Go ahead. I'm sorry, you're too, You're too You're do
it. Go ahead? So youknow, like I am. A flashpoint
was this afternoon talking to my daughterand you know, look over, I'm
in the car and she's like,she's looking at her phone as I'm driving
her home, and I'm like,you know what, I am sick of
(04:36):
this. I am sick of thefact that I sent you text messages last
night when I knew you were awake, and you responded to me after an
hour. And in that hour,I know you were on your phone.
Oh yeah, I know you hadyour phone in your hand. I know
you were using it. Why can'tyou use it to communicate me? And
(05:00):
you've had conversations I think about theconnection you want to have for side is
just answering the connection you want tohave with her, especially when within divorced
family you're not with them all asSo there's layers to right. It's just
the general consideration of responding to atext message from your father when he's asking
you if you want to do something. He's saying, hey, I will
(05:21):
pay for this for you if youwant to do it. Do you want
to do it hockey? Right?Yeah, there's of course, it's always
hockey, yes, you know.And then you wait and wait and wait
and she goes oh, and Igo cool because there's no response, a
little you know, a little passiveaggressive there, and she goes, oh,
sorry, I was in the shower. You weren't in the shower for
(05:42):
a whole hour. I know thatabout you. You weren't. You weren't.
We're not she does have a lotof hair, though she does,
but she was not in the showerfor now. Don't take sides. I'm
not. I'm just just asking it. And so I'm like, oh,
I'm like texting bar. I'm like, yeah, all right, So well
do you want to do this ornot? And she goes, yeah,
that would be great, thanks,which is an appropriate response yes. And
(06:03):
then especially from her because she usuallyis like, K right, you have
no idea, what the heck thephone and something? Hey, k me
take k your ass. You're likeyour buffs, sorry, it's a little
late. Well, we weren't toahead. We did, and then I
would send another message saying, likesomething else another topic of conversation. I
(06:27):
can't remember, but it required aresponse, right, And I'm talking like
this is in the flow of aconversation, not like forty minutes later do
I respond after I sit on myphone and not passive aggressively, not respond
right because I'm an annoyed atter immediatelyand nothing right. And I'm like,
I know if you were on yourphone at ten twenty three and I replied
(06:50):
to you at ten twenty four,I know you're still on your phone at
ten twenty five. And also,in your defense, you have worked very
hard to model relating to her tooand being considerate too. You have approached
her on Snapchat. All of thechildren actually now snapchat. You snap you.
I don't know, I don't evenknow. I don't do this now.
But here's the thing, that yougo to her. As my point,
(07:12):
he should come to you of beingthe one who's always reaching out and
always being the considerate one, alwaystrying to go to them, like the
thing I'm learned in college, Likeyou have to go to your audience.
You can't expect them to come toyou. You have to go to them.
This is that marketing. This ismarketing communication. You know, if
they if you have a message youwant them to hear, you have to
reach them where they are and youhave You've done that right, and you
(07:35):
know what, it's fine to cometo me. Yes, it's fine for
you to have some consideration for yourold dad who uses text messaging to communicate
with his children and other people dotoo. She they need to learn how
to do the same thing you're doing. You're modeling it, and you want
them to now learn the steps totake to come to you because that's important
(07:55):
for them to Yes, I wantthem to respond to me. And now
I'm communicating with them because I amtrying to keep a connection with them goalie
when they're not in my house.Well, listen, babe, I think
you should take a page out ofdoctor Sarah's book here and do what I
did the other day, which istell Carter and all the children actually that
(08:16):
there's a rule that no phones inthe front seat because I want to relate
to them. I've had that rule. Hold on, So did you stole
that rule from me? Possibly?I like the rule very very much.
All my good ideas probe plea stealfrom you. But anyway, So Carter
gets in the car the other dayas we go to go to school,
in the back seat, and Isaid, but this is where Carter's concreteness
(08:39):
is works against him. I said, why are you getting in the back
seat? He said, because there'sa rule that I can't phone and the
front seat. And I was like, uh, Carter, first of all,
why are you telling me that thereare something that you should keep internal
in your head internal voice. Yeah, it's like what you told me I
(09:01):
shouldn't lie. I'm like, it'snot you shouldn't lie. Yeah, you
can hold some things closer to thechef. And so he heard a little
bit about how I felt about that. I'm sure this morning from you know,
the favorite thing is if I amif he's in the car and he's
typically riding in the back because mykids are bigger and older and they usually
(09:22):
you're a shotgun and I will dropthem off. He stays in the back
and I'm like, I'm not youruber dude, Like get your ass up
here, Like I am not drivingaround with you in the back seat,
and like oh we're here, sir, you know, like you may now
depart your ride. No, getyour ass up here and interact with me
(09:45):
like we're related. Well he would, but he knows he can't use his
phone. Now. Now I liein the back seat, Well, I
don't. I don't go anywhere,like we're not going anywhere until you get
like even my kids will do it, yeah, you know like now.
Granted, sometimes they are in theback seat because they're changing, yes,
(10:07):
which is always you know, aspectacle when well, they like the front
seat because they like the leg roombecause they're very tall. And I told
all you understand it, but it'sso funny you said it because I've yeah,
I used that rule, like nophones in the front seat because they'll
argue about who's writing shotgun and thenand then they'll just sit there on their
phones and not speak to me.Yeah, they'll look at TikTok's or something,
or they'll snap you. And onmy defense, today I didn't want
(10:30):
to actually talk to her because Iwas annoyed with her. And I didn't
know exactly why I was annoyed withher until I looked over and she was
on her phone. I'm like,there, you are on your phone all
the time except when you supposed tobe communicating with me. Well that's a
really I feel like that happens alot like being annoyed, right, Like
I'm always in there. You arevery passionate person, so things do impact
(10:52):
you very very strongly. As amatter of fact. You know, as
we write this children's book about thebrain, we did a bunch of research
and my favorite, that's the KingWeek. My favorite book that we came
across. You know this, butfor everybody else is Grumpy Monkey. Yeah
right, it's this book. Ifyou have not read it, I agree,
right, I feel like and itdoesn't matter if you have kids or
(11:13):
not. It is really good shirt. Yes they have merch they don't have
merch, which but they should havemarch those research. Yeah, I almost
I tried to buy you a grumpyMonkey monkey several times. That should be
my shirt. I have a grumpymonkey and you think grumpy monkey? Yeah,
yeah, well and who's the grumpymonkey? That's it? Things just
(11:35):
that much better. That's exactly whatit's to say. Hey, Amy and
Steve, if you're listening, thoseare a key West shirts anyway. So
yeah, that book is just ithit me so, And of course I
think I probably cried at this pointbecause it was just so poignant in the
sense that the book is about amonkey who feels grumpy and goes around and
everybody tells him, Oh, youshould smile, you should pull your shoulders
(11:56):
back, you should do these thingsto tell him to not be grumpy.
Basically all these ways that you canchange your adgen And we talked about reframing
often and changing your thoughts and thesethings. And as a matter of fact,
when I suggested this podcast, whatdid you say to me? I
said, You're not going to makeme do that. Reframing bullshit, right
exactly, So, like there's atime and a place for that, right.
But they go, he goes throughthis book that way, and then
(12:18):
finally he just realizes that he justcan't. He's just not able to change,
and he feels terrible about it.And it was it a gorilla,
I'm losing my animals. But anothervery big, very large, don't.
Yes. He comes and he says, what's wrong? Are you grumpy too?
And he said, no, Ihurt myself, right, he got
hurt. And he says, butit's okay. I know I'm going to
(12:39):
feel better soon. It just hurtsright now. And that's when they sit
on the branch. And they siton the branch and you know what they
do what They don't talk to eachother, No, they just sit there
next to each other and their company. They're shared experience of being grumpy.
Yes, makes them each feel alittle bit better about their situation. Yeah,
(13:00):
the idea because there's silence, rightexcept for then there's a book too
where they talk all about it.They realize the deep seated issues that they
have and they walk through them andthen they don't get grussy. True,
there's no talkie monkey. Have youread it you because there's no book.
Hey did the kings? We dothat research exactly, So that's but that's
(13:22):
the idea, right, Like sometimesyou can just be grumpy, like we
say it all the time. Youknow, this is why we decided to
record tonight because you were feeling grumpy. You knew. There's a bunch of
reading by the iron's hot, right, lots of those things, but some
iron is hot because I have anotherexample of being inconsidered that drives me insaying
that we can all relate to eventhough even though those of us who do
(13:45):
not have children. Yes, butsometimes you can just be grumpy. Go
ahead. Yes, people in theircar stopping in the middle of the road
because they're on Yeah, not andthey just so today after softball, as
a person who was close very parkedbehind me very closely, pulled back and
I waited for them because they couldn'tmove, and they pulled out and they
(14:07):
drove down the street a little bitand then they stopped and it was I
was in a part of the street. I could only go forward, I
couldn't go back, and goes closeto the intersection. Believe me, I
looked, but there was a copcoming down the streets backing into an intersection
like that. She was just stoppedin the middle of the street well doing
I don't know, but she wasjust sitting there. There was nobody anybody
(14:30):
could go past her. She finally, as I back up and I pulled
forward, and I'm waiting, shefinally decides that she's going to turn around,
so she does like a K turnright there after. This is not
the same woman who does a Kturn on the middle of the first half
and head nights right outside of schoolwhile all the kids and cars are trying
(14:50):
to go down one very narrow street. Right, She just comes out of
the building and does a K turnright there in the middle of traffic.
How do you feel about that?I'll get there, okay, okay,
And then so then see how quietthe branches go ahead? Yeah? So
then I turn and there's a guycoming out. He's we're behind an apartment
building and he backs into the laneof traffic that's driving. You know,
(15:11):
you can get through the parking lotthat way. He pulls into the lane
of traffic and stops. He juststops there. And I have to stop
because now I can't go anywhere becausehe's in the lane of traffic in a
parking lot, just stops, andwhat is going on? What is going
on? Completely? He finally getsout of the way. Earlier in the
(15:31):
day, I am driving through anotherparking lot and there is a law man
sitting in his car in the middle. It's basically it's a it's a road
through a parking lot that connects twodifferent streets. And he stopped, just
in his lane of traffic, juststopped. And I'm like, right,
(15:54):
and I know who the cop is. Are you trying to not go through
the across the park You're not supposedto pass. I don't know, he's
not he's not trying to stop peoplefrom doing something they're not supposed He's just
he just decided to drive down andstop. And I can tell he's just
looking down. He got a callabout an emergency he had this. That's
where you do the projection. You'reprojecting, I'm reframing. It's a reframing.
(16:17):
Go ahead, and we're not doingthat. Okay. Yeah, we
talked because he's a police officer,so he probably has important things to do,
but this is not You should recognizethat the smart thing to do is
to pull into the parking lot andpark his car before he looks at his
Honey, yes, either way,nobody should be stopped in a lane of
traffic. Wow, when earlier todayall three's an't happening today. You have
(16:40):
a lot of feelings, don't you, honey? Mutual you are you are
very fagitive. But it's like ithappens all the time. Yeah, you
know, like just like and I'mand I was thinking to myself, it
doesn't matter if if there's and youknow, this happens with people just pull
like there's a guy coming through anintersection today I'm like, he's gonna pull
out in front of me. Hedid well right out in front of me.
(17:00):
And I'm like, it doesn't matterif you're an old lady in a
ninety five less saber or a dudein a you know, a two thousand,
nineteen f one fifty. Nobody's considerit of anybody else behind the wheel.
Bad people. Well, the funnything is, there's this little voice
in my head started about three yearsago. It's like, oh, maybe
(17:21):
they're maybe either're in a hurry,or maybe they're just you know, you'd
even let me get it. No, I know I'm not. I'm gonna
get out of you. I'm notgonna give it to you because it's in
my head and I can't get readyto thank you very much now when I
get oh angry, and I'm like, maybe he's in a hurry because his
daughter's hurt. Have you ever accidentallycut someone off or pulled out in front
(17:45):
of someone ever? Of course,And I would expect to be called the
names that I call people when theydo it to me, or maybe they
might say, oh, he's ina hurry. Oh they don't do that
any There's only one person, usand I understand that you think that the
branch may be a quiet branch,but I think the branch sometimes likes the
(18:08):
branch. My branch likes to talk. Kay. The animal next to me
on the branch loves call that aforty slip. I think you. I
think you. You think you don'twant to talk, but you actually like
to get all of this passion out. Sometimes I disagree. Well, how
do you feel? Oh? Youmean right now? Are we wait?
(18:29):
We have a branch. Shit,you're like our branch. Yeah, let's
say this was our branch, notour version of the branch. It is
kind of our version. It doesour version. I like that it is
our version of the branch. Wejust put everybody through that version. We
showed them that sometimes it's okay tobe a grumpy monkey, but sometimes if
you talk about it, does itfeel better? Well? I think it's
(18:51):
the bourbon. The bourbon. Doesthat happen? The bourbon helps both of
us and Darling. It does.But you know, back to the grumpy
monkeying, and I think two thingscan we get back to the strangling or
in immu Two things about the grumpymumpy branch. I want to say.
The one is I think people arescared of that branch, like they're scared
(19:11):
of grumpy monkeys. They're scared ofjust being frustrated or upset or angry and
not really knowing why. Like yousaid you were sitting next to Ruby,
you didn't exactly know why, andeventually you might have connected it. But
sometimes that bothers you more than others. Like there's probably a bunch of stuff,
right, like the drivers that pulledout in front of you two,
that add to some of this orwhatever it is. But I feel like
(19:33):
as a society, we're scared ofthat grumpy branch, Like we're scared to
be grumpy. That's just for grumpy'ssake. Well, I mean yeah,
because look at look at the story, right, everybody is trying to change
this person's mood. Everybody, everyfriend that the monkey runs into, is
trying to I think, through probablythe goodness of their hearts, but also
(19:57):
them being uncomfortable with some body elsebeing unhappy or in a bad mood.
Right, how many times do yourun into somebody where you're in a bad
mood and they feel it, andthey're they're uncomfortable because you're in a bad
mood, and they almost make youfeel bad for being in a bad mood,
right, and if they don't knowhow to handle your mood, right,
(20:18):
and if they just kind of letyou, let you or whoever this
grumpy person was go a little bit, or even just where it's there,
you know, it passes, itgoes, it's or it gets better,
it doesn't get better, whatever itis, but it's okay, Like it's
okay to be grumpy. And that'swhat I think I loved about the book
so much, is that it isokay to just not be in a good
mood. And sometimes just that acceptanceand understanding of that allows you to like
(20:45):
the freedom. And then it's andthen when you don't feel guilty on top
of and worried and concerned about thegrumpy inists all the time, it's helpful.
When we first saw it, andI remember where we were in the
Barnes and Noble and the trail,and I was like I immediately connected with
with that part of the story becauseit was just like, hey, it's
okay. And it's like, asa passionate person who has these episodes,
(21:11):
yes, sometimes I don't need anybodyto make me feel better, Like sometimes
I just need you to listen tothe event and then we don't have to
talk about it anymore, right AndI think I know, being your partner,
have learned kind of what you needand when and what that looks like.
But you come over, you sayyou're grumpy. Other than saying,
let's do podcasts right now, Imean, I don't really you know,
(21:33):
it's like step into that shallon ittell me exactly how you feel, but
let me put this microphone in frontof you before I do it. But
otherwise, like it's just part ofand you call them episodes, which I
think are really interesting because I thinkyou still see them as problems. You
know. To me, it's variation. It's just like down, up,
down, And I hate to pulla woman card here, but I do
feel like, you know, whenlike women and getting to understand your hormonal
(21:59):
cycles and things like that, likethis happens to women every single month where
they have a down that they knowis just a down and it will pass.
But I don't know. If Idon't know, you'll have to tell
me. I don't know if menhave that experience of like, okay,
this was rolled down, but thenit like tomorrow is much better, and
so I just kind of write itout and it's okay to kind of feel
that way. I don't know ifI'm a position to talk for anybody who
(22:22):
has episodes of passion. Yeah,I don't. I don't know, Like
honestly, like part of me feelslike I could be in a good mood
and then something like this could happenand I'd be like, you know,
I'm really annoy it, right,Yeah, And I think it's this combination.
I know you joked about the reframe, but there are times that reframe
is helpful and there are times thatbeing grumpy is just the way that it
(22:42):
is and it's okay too, youknow. And I think finding which strategy
to use when is really portant.You don't. I guess My point is
we've talked a lot about reframe,but we don't always want to jump right
to Oh, let me tell youa different way to think, Like sometimes
it's okay, Like little grumpiness isokay. Reframe are helpful in the long
run over time to reduce you know, those the length of what you're calling
(23:07):
an episode, and I would calla variation if you're having episodes, you
know, the reframe is helpful,but everybody gets grumpy sometimes, yeah,
And I think you know, honestly, the freedom of coming over here,
being able to come over here andsit down on the front porch and just
announce I'm in a bad mood isincredibly frame and almost you have your laptop
(23:32):
in front of you and you're like, oh okay, and you put your
laptop down. Let's explore this whyyou know? And I just get an
event that freedom to just be ableto unload on somebody helps the grumpy monkey.
You can unload on me anytime.It's our little branch. I appreciate
it's clearly a silent branch, thoughwell it's not. Clearly it should be,
(23:56):
but it's not. It should be. Well, and I think that
that's another our little point there,my darling, is that sometimes you want
to go into your silent hole,but that's not exactly what you need.
But if we were being considerate,right, we would we would talk about
that and ask about that and seewhat you need, which is why they
building the skill in our children isextremely important and so frustrating, right,
(24:22):
so prevent grumpy monkeys, be considerate, But also when the drunk grumpy monkey
happens, you're always called me drunkmonkey, which it's such a good prease
on most some weekends would be unsthe drumpy, grumpy. My drunk monkey
is not a grumpy monkey, nodrunk. You're a drunky monkey. You're
(24:47):
very lovely monkey. You love yourselfsome Sarah, when you are drunky monkey
very much here in any case,whether you're a drunky monkey, a grumpy
monkey, or inconsiderate all of thesethings too, Shell Path, Yeah,
fund your branch. Here's well.Thanks for joining us for this episode of
(25:07):
What's Happening here? Don't forget tosubscribe to our YouTube page, or you
can follow me on Instagram at doctorSarah l Allen and Kim shows up a
lot there too. Be sure totell a friend what you liked about this
episode and share it with them.After all, we're all in this together,
just trying to figure out what's happeninghere,
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't
(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families
(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Yeah, Okay, what's up.
I'm in a bad mood, areyou? Yeah, I had no idea.
(01:08):
You don't show that with your bodyat all, unrusted bit Chace.
Just for everybody's information, keV didask if he could curse throughout this particular
episode, so morning for small childrenwere likely to go down. You're in
(01:29):
the car, you're moth's time.Why are you in a bad mood?
My dard? Just because of theI think. I think I've realized that
one of my biggest buttons, andwe've talked about this a little bit,
but what drives me absolutely crazy isthe lack of consideration or being inconsiderate of
(01:53):
others. Because I work very hardto be as considerate of others as I
possibly can, and when I failat that, I get very frustrated with
myself. Then I realized I wasmaybe not as considerate as I could have
been, or if I was inconsidered, And so when I am inconsiderate a
pond, inconsidered, inconsidered upon um, I get very frustrated. But especially
(02:21):
when it occurs, or when ithappens with these brains that we're working on
forming that belong to me. Yeah, but I think it's not I mean,
it's not just with Okay, okay, we'll start. We're going to
start with the little ones. Yes, not so little ones that are now
(02:42):
you know, like their necks areright about strangle strangling height, Yes,
that you can easily, just youcan. I can, I still reason.
And it's just so infuriating when yougo out of your way or you're
doing what you're supposed to be doingas a parent and you're trying to,
you know, put them first,whatever it may be. And it's not
(03:07):
even oh, it's their lack ofawareness about what somebody's doing for them or
what or how they should reciprocate inthat it drives me insane. And I
understand logically that their brains aren't developedenough yet, and their frontal lobe isn't
(03:30):
developed, and they just are incapableof recognizing the situation and behaving appropriately how
I want them to behave. Logically, I know this because I've read this
book. I like, when youhave the whole conversation yourself, I can
just here, you can understand yes, logically, yes, But the emotional
(03:54):
side of me, I don't know. I don't know if you know that
I have I'm very ancial passionate passion, your passionate, and that passion comes
in all forms, the good formand the other form, the high and
the low, the up and thedown, the yang and the yang.
(04:15):
You know. So I thought youwere going to jump in there with another
one. Go ahead. I'm sorry, you're too, You're too You're do
it. Go ahead? So youknow, like I am. A flashpoint
was this afternoon talking to my daughterand you know, look over, I'm
in the car and she's like,she's looking at her phone as I'm driving
her home, and I'm like,you know what, I am sick of
(04:36):
this. I am sick of thefact that I sent you text messages last
night when I knew you were awake, and you responded to me after an
hour. And in that hour,I know you were on your phone.
Oh yeah, I know you hadyour phone in your hand. I know
you were using it. Why can'tyou use it to communicate me? And
(05:00):
you've had conversations I think about theconnection you want to have for side is
just answering the connection you want tohave with her, especially when within divorced
family you're not with them all asSo there's layers to right. It's just
the general consideration of responding to atext message from your father when he's asking
you if you want to do something. He's saying, hey, I will
(05:21):
pay for this for you if youwant to do it. Do you want
to do it hockey? Right?Yeah, there's of course, it's always
hockey, yes, you know.And then you wait and wait and wait
and she goes oh, and Igo cool because there's no response, a
little you know, a little passiveaggressive there, and she goes, oh,
sorry, I was in the shower. You weren't in the shower for
(05:42):
a whole hour. I know thatabout you. You weren't. You weren't.
We're not she does have a lotof hair, though she does,
but she was not in the showerfor now. Don't take sides. I'm
not. I'm just just asking it. And so I'm like, oh,
I'm like texting bar. I'm like, yeah, all right, So well
do you want to do this ornot? And she goes, yeah,
that would be great, thanks,which is an appropriate response yes. And
(06:03):
then especially from her because she usuallyis like, K right, you have
no idea, what the heck thephone and something? Hey, k me
take k your ass. You're likeyour buffs, sorry, it's a little
late. Well, we weren't toahead. We did, and then I
would send another message saying, likesomething else another topic of conversation. I
(06:27):
can't remember, but it required aresponse, right, And I'm talking like
this is in the flow of aconversation, not like forty minutes later do
I respond after I sit on myphone and not passive aggressively, not respond
right because I'm an annoyed atter immediatelyand nothing right. And I'm like,
I know if you were on yourphone at ten twenty three and I replied
(06:50):
to you at ten twenty four,I know you're still on your phone at
ten twenty five. And also,in your defense, you have worked very
hard to model relating to her tooand being considerate too. You have approached
her on Snapchat. All of thechildren actually now snapchat. You snap you.
I don't know, I don't evenknow. I don't do this now.
But here's the thing, that yougo to her. As my point,
(07:12):
he should come to you of beingthe one who's always reaching out and
always being the considerate one, alwaystrying to go to them, like the
thing I'm learned in college, Likeyou have to go to your audience.
You can't expect them to come toyou. You have to go to them.
This is that marketing. This ismarketing communication. You know, if
they if you have a message youwant them to hear, you have to
reach them where they are and youhave You've done that right, and you
(07:35):
know what, it's fine to cometo me. Yes, it's fine for
you to have some consideration for yourold dad who uses text messaging to communicate
with his children and other people dotoo. She they need to learn how
to do the same thing you're doing. You're modeling it, and you want
them to now learn the steps totake to come to you because that's important
(07:55):
for them to Yes, I wantthem to respond to me. And now
I'm communicating with them because I amtrying to keep a connection with them goalie
when they're not in my house.Well, listen, babe, I think
you should take a page out ofdoctor Sarah's book here and do what I
did the other day, which istell Carter and all the children actually that
(08:16):
there's a rule that no phones inthe front seat because I want to relate
to them. I've had that rule. Hold on, So did you stole
that rule from me? Possibly?I like the rule very very much.
All my good ideas probe plea stealfrom you. But anyway, So Carter
gets in the car the other dayas we go to go to school,
in the back seat, and Isaid, but this is where Carter's concreteness
(08:39):
is works against him. I said, why are you getting in the back
seat? He said, because there'sa rule that I can't phone and the
front seat. And I was like, uh, Carter, first of all,
why are you telling me that thereare something that you should keep internal
in your head internal voice. Yeah, it's like what you told me I
(09:01):
shouldn't lie. I'm like, it'snot you shouldn't lie. Yeah, you
can hold some things closer to thechef. And so he heard a little
bit about how I felt about that. I'm sure this morning from you know,
the favorite thing is if I amif he's in the car and he's
typically riding in the back because mykids are bigger and older and they usually
(09:22):
you're a shotgun and I will dropthem off. He stays in the back
and I'm like, I'm not youruber dude, Like get your ass up
here, Like I am not drivingaround with you in the back seat,
and like oh we're here, sir, you know, like you may now
depart your ride. No, getyour ass up here and interact with me
(09:45):
like we're related. Well he would, but he knows he can't use his
phone. Now. Now I liein the back seat, Well, I
don't. I don't go anywhere,like we're not going anywhere until you get
like even my kids will do it, yeah, you know like now.
Granted, sometimes they are in theback seat because they're changing, yes,
(10:07):
which is always you know, aspectacle when well, they like the front
seat because they like the leg roombecause they're very tall. And I told
all you understand it, but it'sso funny you said it because I've yeah,
I used that rule, like nophones in the front seat because they'll
argue about who's writing shotgun and thenand then they'll just sit there on their
phones and not speak to me.Yeah, they'll look at TikTok's or something,
or they'll snap you. And onmy defense, today I didn't want
(10:30):
to actually talk to her because Iwas annoyed with her. And I didn't
know exactly why I was annoyed withher until I looked over and she was
on her phone. I'm like,there, you are on your phone all
the time except when you supposed tobe communicating with me. Well that's a
really I feel like that happens alot like being annoyed, right, Like
I'm always in there. You arevery passionate person, so things do impact
(10:52):
you very very strongly. As amatter of fact. You know, as
we write this children's book about thebrain, we did a bunch of research
and my favorite, that's the KingWeek. My favorite book that we came
across. You know this, butfor everybody else is Grumpy Monkey. Yeah
right, it's this book. Ifyou have not read it, I agree,
right, I feel like and itdoesn't matter if you have kids or
(11:13):
not. It is really good shirt. Yes they have merch they don't have
merch, which but they should havemarch those research. Yeah, I almost
I tried to buy you a grumpyMonkey monkey several times. That should be
my shirt. I have a grumpymonkey and you think grumpy monkey? Yeah,
yeah, well and who's the grumpymonkey? That's it? Things just
(11:35):
that much better. That's exactly whatit's to say. Hey, Amy and
Steve, if you're listening, thoseare a key West shirts anyway. So
yeah, that book is just ithit me so, And of course I
think I probably cried at this pointbecause it was just so poignant in the
sense that the book is about amonkey who feels grumpy and goes around and
everybody tells him, Oh, youshould smile, you should pull your shoulders
(11:56):
back, you should do these thingsto tell him to not be grumpy.
Basically all these ways that you canchange your adgen And we talked about reframing
often and changing your thoughts and thesethings. And as a matter of fact,
when I suggested this podcast, whatdid you say to me? I
said, You're not going to makeme do that. Reframing bullshit, right
exactly, So, like there's atime and a place for that, right.
But they go, he goes throughthis book that way, and then
(12:18):
finally he just realizes that he justcan't. He's just not able to change,
and he feels terrible about it.And it was it a gorilla,
I'm losing my animals. But anothervery big, very large, don't.
Yes. He comes and he says, what's wrong? Are you grumpy too?
And he said, no, Ihurt myself, right, he got
hurt. And he says, butit's okay. I know I'm going to
(12:39):
feel better soon. It just hurtsright now. And that's when they sit
on the branch. And they siton the branch and you know what they
do what They don't talk to eachother, No, they just sit there
next to each other and their company. They're shared experience of being grumpy.
Yes, makes them each feel alittle bit better about their situation. Yeah,
(13:00):
the idea because there's silence, rightexcept for then there's a book too
where they talk all about it.They realize the deep seated issues that they
have and they walk through them andthen they don't get grussy. True,
there's no talkie monkey. Have youread it you because there's no book.
Hey did the kings? We dothat research exactly, So that's but that's
(13:22):
the idea, right, Like sometimesyou can just be grumpy, like we
say it all the time. Youknow, this is why we decided to
record tonight because you were feeling grumpy. You knew. There's a bunch of
reading by the iron's hot, right, lots of those things, but some
iron is hot because I have anotherexample of being inconsidered that drives me insaying
that we can all relate to eventhough even though those of us who do
(13:45):
not have children. Yes, butsometimes you can just be grumpy. Go
ahead. Yes, people in theircar stopping in the middle of the road
because they're on Yeah, not andthey just so today after softball, as
a person who was close very parkedbehind me very closely, pulled back and
I waited for them because they couldn'tmove, and they pulled out and they
(14:07):
drove down the street a little bitand then they stopped and it was I
was in a part of the street. I could only go forward, I
couldn't go back, and goes closeto the intersection. Believe me, I
looked, but there was a copcoming down the streets backing into an intersection
like that. She was just stoppedin the middle of the street well doing
I don't know, but she wasjust sitting there. There was nobody anybody
(14:30):
could go past her. She finally, as I back up and I pulled
forward, and I'm waiting, shefinally decides that she's going to turn around,
so she does like a K turnright there after. This is not
the same woman who does a Kturn on the middle of the first half
and head nights right outside of schoolwhile all the kids and cars are trying
(14:50):
to go down one very narrow street. Right, She just comes out of
the building and does a K turnright there in the middle of traffic.
How do you feel about that?I'll get there, okay, okay,
And then so then see how quietthe branches go ahead? Yeah? So
then I turn and there's a guycoming out. He's we're behind an apartment
building and he backs into the laneof traffic that's driving. You know,
(15:11):
you can get through the parking lotthat way. He pulls into the lane
of traffic and stops. He juststops there. And I have to stop
because now I can't go anywhere becausehe's in the lane of traffic in a
parking lot, just stops, andwhat is going on? What is going
on? Completely? He finally getsout of the way. Earlier in the
(15:31):
day, I am driving through anotherparking lot and there is a law man
sitting in his car in the middle. It's basically it's a it's a road
through a parking lot that connects twodifferent streets. And he stopped, just
in his lane of traffic, juststopped. And I'm like, right,
(15:54):
and I know who the cop is. Are you trying to not go through
the across the park You're not supposedto pass. I don't know, he's
not he's not trying to stop peoplefrom doing something they're not supposed He's just
he just decided to drive down andstop. And I can tell he's just
looking down. He got a callabout an emergency he had this. That's
where you do the projection. You'reprojecting, I'm reframing. It's a reframing.
(16:17):
Go ahead, and we're not doingthat. Okay. Yeah, we
talked because he's a police officer,so he probably has important things to do,
but this is not You should recognizethat the smart thing to do is
to pull into the parking lot andpark his car before he looks at his
Honey, yes, either way,nobody should be stopped in a lane of
traffic. Wow, when earlier todayall three's an't happening today. You have
(16:40):
a lot of feelings, don't you, honey? Mutual you are you are
very fagitive. But it's like ithappens all the time. Yeah, you
know, like just like and I'mand I was thinking to myself, it
doesn't matter if if there's and youknow, this happens with people just pull
like there's a guy coming through anintersection today I'm like, he's gonna pull
out in front of me. Hedid well right out in front of me.
(17:00):
And I'm like, it doesn't matterif you're an old lady in a
ninety five less saber or a dudein a you know, a two thousand,
nineteen f one fifty. Nobody's considerit of anybody else behind the wheel.
Bad people. Well, the funnything is, there's this little voice
in my head started about three yearsago. It's like, oh, maybe
(17:21):
they're maybe either're in a hurry,or maybe they're just you know, you'd
even let me get it. No, I know I'm not. I'm gonna
get out of you. I'm notgonna give it to you because it's in
my head and I can't get readyto thank you very much now when I
get oh angry, and I'm like, maybe he's in a hurry because his
daughter's hurt. Have you ever accidentallycut someone off or pulled out in front
(17:45):
of someone ever? Of course,And I would expect to be called the
names that I call people when theydo it to me, or maybe they
might say, oh, he's ina hurry. Oh they don't do that
any There's only one person, usand I understand that you think that the
branch may be a quiet branch,but I think the branch sometimes likes the
(18:08):
branch. My branch likes to talk. Kay. The animal next to me
on the branch loves call that aforty slip. I think you. I
think you. You think you don'twant to talk, but you actually like
to get all of this passion out. Sometimes I disagree. Well, how
do you feel? Oh? Youmean right now? Are we wait?
(18:29):
We have a branch. Shit,you're like our branch. Yeah, let's
say this was our branch, notour version of the branch. It is
kind of our version. It doesour version. I like that it is
our version of the branch. Wejust put everybody through that version. We
showed them that sometimes it's okay tobe a grumpy monkey, but sometimes if
you talk about it, does itfeel better? Well? I think it's
(18:51):
the bourbon. The bourbon. Doesthat happen? The bourbon helps both of
us and Darling. It does.But you know, back to the grumpy
monkeying, and I think two thingscan we get back to the strangling or
in immu Two things about the grumpymumpy branch. I want to say.
The one is I think people arescared of that branch, like they're scared
(19:11):
of grumpy monkeys. They're scared ofjust being frustrated or upset or angry and
not really knowing why. Like yousaid you were sitting next to Ruby,
you didn't exactly know why, andeventually you might have connected it. But
sometimes that bothers you more than others. Like there's probably a bunch of stuff,
right, like the drivers that pulledout in front of you two,
that add to some of this orwhatever it is. But I feel like
(19:33):
as a society, we're scared ofthat grumpy branch, Like we're scared to
be grumpy. That's just for grumpy'ssake. Well, I mean yeah,
because look at look at the story, right, everybody is trying to change
this person's mood. Everybody, everyfriend that the monkey runs into, is
trying to I think, through probablythe goodness of their hearts, but also
(19:57):
them being uncomfortable with some body elsebeing unhappy or in a bad mood.
Right, how many times do yourun into somebody where you're in a bad
mood and they feel it, andthey're they're uncomfortable because you're in a bad
mood, and they almost make youfeel bad for being in a bad mood,
right, and if they don't knowhow to handle your mood, right,
(20:18):
and if they just kind of letyou, let you or whoever this
grumpy person was go a little bit, or even just where it's there,
you know, it passes, itgoes, it's or it gets better,
it doesn't get better, whatever itis, but it's okay, Like it's
okay to be grumpy. And that'swhat I think I loved about the book
so much, is that it isokay to just not be in a good
mood. And sometimes just that acceptanceand understanding of that allows you to like
(20:45):
the freedom. And then it's andthen when you don't feel guilty on top
of and worried and concerned about thegrumpy inists all the time, it's helpful.
When we first saw it, andI remember where we were in the
Barnes and Noble and the trail,and I was like I immediately connected with
with that part of the story becauseit was just like, hey, it's
okay. And it's like, asa passionate person who has these episodes,
(21:11):
yes, sometimes I don't need anybodyto make me feel better, Like sometimes
I just need you to listen tothe event and then we don't have to
talk about it anymore, right AndI think I know, being your partner,
have learned kind of what you needand when and what that looks like.
But you come over, you sayyou're grumpy. Other than saying,
let's do podcasts right now, Imean, I don't really you know,
(21:33):
it's like step into that shallon ittell me exactly how you feel, but
let me put this microphone in frontof you before I do it. But
otherwise, like it's just part ofand you call them episodes, which I
think are really interesting because I thinkyou still see them as problems. You
know. To me, it's variation. It's just like down, up,
down, And I hate to pulla woman card here, but I do
feel like, you know, whenlike women and getting to understand your hormonal
(21:59):
cycles and things like that, likethis happens to women every single month where
they have a down that they knowis just a down and it will pass.
But I don't know. If Idon't know, you'll have to tell
me. I don't know if menhave that experience of like, okay,
this was rolled down, but thenit like tomorrow is much better, and
so I just kind of write itout and it's okay to kind of feel
that way. I don't know ifI'm a position to talk for anybody who
(22:22):
has episodes of passion. Yeah,I don't. I don't know, Like
honestly, like part of me feelslike I could be in a good mood
and then something like this could happenand I'd be like, you know,
I'm really annoy it, right,Yeah, And I think it's this combination.
I know you joked about the reframe, but there are times that reframe
is helpful and there are times thatbeing grumpy is just the way that it
(22:42):
is and it's okay too, youknow. And I think finding which strategy
to use when is really portant.You don't. I guess My point is
we've talked a lot about reframe,but we don't always want to jump right
to Oh, let me tell youa different way to think, Like sometimes
it's okay, Like little grumpiness isokay. Reframe are helpful in the long
run over time to reduce you know, those the length of what you're calling
(23:07):
an episode, and I would calla variation if you're having episodes, you
know, the reframe is helpful,but everybody gets grumpy sometimes, yeah,
And I think you know, honestly, the freedom of coming over here,
being able to come over here andsit down on the front porch and just
announce I'm in a bad mood isincredibly frame and almost you have your laptop
(23:32):
in front of you and you're like, oh okay, and you put your
laptop down. Let's explore this whyyou know? And I just get an
event that freedom to just be ableto unload on somebody helps the grumpy monkey.
You can unload on me anytime.It's our little branch. I appreciate
it's clearly a silent branch, thoughwell it's not. Clearly it should be,
(23:56):
but it's not. It should be. Well, and I think that
that's another our little point there,my darling, is that sometimes you want
to go into your silent hole,but that's not exactly what you need.
But if we were being considerate,right, we would we would talk about
that and ask about that and seewhat you need, which is why they
building the skill in our children isextremely important and so frustrating, right,
(24:22):
so prevent grumpy monkeys, be considerate, But also when the drunk grumpy monkey
happens, you're always called me drunkmonkey, which it's such a good prease
on most some weekends would be unsthe drumpy, grumpy. My drunk monkey
is not a grumpy monkey, nodrunk. You're a drunky monkey. You're
(24:47):
very lovely monkey. You love yourselfsome Sarah, when you are drunky monkey
very much here in any case,whether you're a drunky monkey, a grumpy
monkey, or inconsiderate all of thesethings too, Shell Path, Yeah,
fund your branch. Here's well.Thanks for joining us for this episode of
(25:07):
What's Happening here? Don't forget tosubscribe to our YouTube page, or you
can follow me on Instagram at doctorSarah l Allen and Kim shows up a
lot there too. Be sure totell a friend what you liked about this
episode and share it with them.After all, we're all in this together,
just trying to figure out what's happeninghere,
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