Season 3 - Episode 1: Marriage Has Changed Everything....and Nothing!

What did you do this summer?  Well, we got hitched! In our first episdoe of Season 3 we get dig into how everything has changed while at the same time nothing has changed since our wedding. It was a bit of a whirlwind of a day, and we were only able to get there after a lot of heavy lifting.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast for finding the perfect imbalance
of being a parent, a partner, and a person without losing the things
that matter most to you in theprocess. Like you're Sennity, you might
know me as doctor Sarah the BrainGal. I'm a pediatric neuros psychologist and
mom of two who translates brain scienceto everyday life. I see all kids,
really all people like little brains.You probably don't know me. I'm

(00:24):
Kevin, Sarah's partner in crime,Bourbon Afcinado, discusser of all things,
and father of two. We startedthis podcast because we saw a big gap
between research and practice, especially whenyou have a unique family structure like ours,
and we wanted to share what wehave learned and hopefully what we continue
about navigating our lives through the lensof brain science with a big old helping
of reality. Next day, weknow there are lots of families that look

(00:47):
like ours, we're kind of likeour, or maybe look nothing like ours,
which makes finding a single source ofguidance and advice so hard. But
we're going to try to help you. So join us as we try to
figure out what's happening here season three. Honey, I know, I'm so
proud of us, our first Well, I don't divulge any secrets yet.

(01:10):
Well, I think you can.I think I think they know. I
think they know already our first amarried couple, not our first glass of
champagne, but our first podcast episode. Yes, we've had many glasses of
Champagre's accounts, enough to make apicture frame. That's right, you did
make a lovely picture frame out ofthe quarks. It was almost embarrassing how

(01:30):
many quarks we had. It wasnot a small picture frame that it was
not a small number of courts forpicture. Just have another one to add
to Here you go. Cheers,honey, cheers, Hello everybody, Welcome
to season three, episode one.No, you know every year this sleaks

(01:51):
up on us. Yes, everyyear it gets later and later. Won't
we actually started? Yeah, wehave a deadline we try to meet and
hopefully we will meet it. Thistime depends on how fast we can turn
this around. But we're excited.I mean we have when we were looking
back on all of the episodes,all the seasons, you know, we
went from a dating couple to anengaged couple and now season three married couples.

(02:15):
Well, the dating part took upthe most time. I thought so
too. The engaged part was short, right, and so let's hope that
the marriage part takes the longest.I hope you're right too. Yeah,
once you make up your mind aboutsomething like whoa, that's it nice?
And well, you know it wasa combination of like I'm going to shut

(02:36):
her up? Call, well itis. See how this works. We've
learned we process things very differently,right, I don't process. I just
know the end. I know whatthe end is going to look like that
I want or that I think isthe best move, and I just jumped
to it, and then I processedit later. And you take the time
and patience to process it the wholeway. So you get there and you're

(02:59):
all happy. Are all ready?I get there? And a long question?
What just happened? Yes, Ilike to propose an idea. Yes,
so I think you know, itwas very quick. We went from
May to September. We surprised Ithink ourselves with how we got married,

(03:19):
our actual ceremony and our you know, for those of you who I think
we would have surprised a lot morepeople if it weren't for our age and
state of our family. And Ihave to say, I am wearing my
Frannie shirt today and I am definitelya planner and a think of a header.
And I love the fact that itwent so fast. I couldn't think

(03:42):
about it. It was just kindof like a decision we had to make
and we were just going to haveWe're just going to do us, and
then it wasn't really fair to thekids, and then we're just going to
do family, and then there's noplace to stop that. And then I
kind of just said, you knowwhat, We're going to do a small
ceremony and then have a happy hour. And then that turned into a lot
of fun. Yeah I did,and then there was the party bus.
Yes, that was a great ideaon your part. Yes, you had

(04:05):
a lot today. Yeah, SoI mean, you know, think about
it. It was basically Memorial Dayto Labor Day, like three days after
Labor Day or five four days afterLabor Day. So basically we spent the
summer assuring ourselves that this is theright movement and then planning it very quickly.

(04:27):
So we had our therapist on boardand he married us, which was
probably one of the best things wecould have done, and it was it
was a pretty it was a significantexperience at least in my mind during the
ceremony to Yeah, I mean thisis this is a person who knows us
as a couple as intimately as youcan with not being you know, day

(04:51):
to day ours, with not knowingas day to day you know, like,
so we've we spent a lot oftime on his couch and and you
know, working through a lot ofissues in a good way. Like we
weren't there to really talk about ourproblems. We were really there to talk
about how to get to that day. Yeah, but I think going back

(05:14):
to working through problems, I thinkyou know, you have baggage as a
as an adult person period. Youhave baggage when you've had another relationship.
We've talked about that on the podcast, our own PTSDs are unwinding all of
these things we've talked about on otherpodcasts. But that's the place we did
it, you know, that's theplace where we you know, felt really
went inside, figured out what thingswe're struggling with, what were relationship based

(05:40):
and what were old things that weneeded to work on, and really worked
hard. We worked really hard.I mean, we did it on the
podcast, Yes, exactly, andthe podcast which is probably the best second
best sorry Mike marriage there that wecould have, right because you just take
the time each week to talk throughjust different things that come up in your
life. Yeah, I mean itwas it was a significant. I think

(06:02):
it was a great decision that wemade. Did everybody hear that? And
I think that therapy No, Imeant having Mike as our marry us guy.
Oh yeah, it's like it's nota minister. That's what I'm looking
for, you know, And Ithink I think it clearly, and you
know, it was a significant Itwas significant for him too. Yeah.

(06:24):
I think he's a big champion ofus, and I think it meant a
lot for him to be included inthat type of occasion as he talked about,
you know, like as a therapist, you don't get to see a
lot of happy endings. Well thator you know my experience clinically too,
it's it's you know, if youdo your job right, people leave you
right, you know, so theystop going right around the time they think

(06:46):
they either have it together or thatthey haven't been able to make it over
that hump, and they hate youand decides you're involved, you know,
it's one or the other, andmaybe they come back and you get to
see them at some point. Butyou know, he's absolutely right. You
know, I think it was uh. I love seeing him, you know,
emotional about the idea. I cantell you just from coming into that

(07:10):
space with you know, both ourdaughters walking me down and just looking up
and seeing all the boys, youknow, our boys and then you and
then Mike, and I can't tellwho was crying more, you know,
between the two of you, andI think it surprised him too, just
this, you know, realizing thatwe had worked really hard, he had
been a part of that process,and here we were, and it was

(07:31):
so great for me to be ableto be in that moment. You know.
I don't know for people listening ifyou're anything like me, but I'm
often thinking past myself or rushing tothe next thing, and so to have
something where it was really you know, just about us, we'd have to
start at a certain time, youknow, people who were there were people
who wanted to be a part ofthat with us without pressure, you know,

(07:56):
and so to be able to neverlook at my I don't even know
if I had my phone my watch, you know, and just come out
when we're ready and say what wewanted and really open up to each other
and have it be just about whatwe wanted to say at that moment.
I mean, that was that wasone of my favorite days of my life.
That's awesome. And going back tothe couch, you know, I
wanted to ask you what you thoughtabout that process, because you know,

(08:18):
we know second marriages are at ahigher rates of failure. We know it's
really difficult to be in second relationships, especially with kids. And we'll get
to the part where we kind oftalk about how you know, everything changes
and nothing changed at the same time. But you know, what was it
like for you going Because for me, you know, I love that stuff,

(08:39):
so like going through that process ofreally doing the work, well,
it was never something I looked forwardto walking into, but I was always
happy walking out, except for maybeone or two days, but it was
like it was like doing a workout. Like you don't always want to work
out, you know, you don'talways want to put the work in,
but the benefit, you know,like you never necessarily regret it. You

(09:01):
never regret having a workout. Younever you always feel better for having done
it. And that's how I kindof equate to therapy like that, Like
it wasn't something I always wanted todo because you had to put work in,
you had to do difficult things,you had to do things that were
hard. You had to do alot of lifting, you know, heavy

(09:22):
lifting, and it's uncomfortable, andyou got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Yeah. Yeah, and you reallyhave to, you know, take
the time to look inward, youknow, and accept some things about yourself
and to try to understand some thingsabout yourself that maybe you've you've buried and
you haven't wanted to think about andyou think they don't impact you, those

(09:43):
buried things especially, and you know, we you know, we were just
talking actually today about kind of biasesand triggers and different things as I was
doing a training and I was justthinking about this. You know, they
all come from these things we've experiencedin the past, and especially that they
we pushed down. You know,we joke that with Amy g it's better
out than in, but it reallyis, because it does, especially over

(10:05):
the course of an adult life,eat away at you. You think you've
you think you've kicked it to thecurb or gotten rid of it. But
if you don't think through it,and you don't work through it, it
will bite you in the ass inyour relationships, in your professional life,
in any of your personal life too, you know. And I appreciate that
you stuck in there and went throughit. And there were times that were

(10:28):
hard for me too, you know, I remember, right. I think
it was like the week we weregetting married, do you remember, And
I had my own little breakdown because, like I said, I was like,
gunghole the whole time. I'm like, come on, you could do
this, Let's just jump over thecliff together. And then the week before
I was really uncomfortable and couldn't figureit out and couldn't figure out what was
happening, you know. And forme, the issue was just happiness.

(10:52):
You know. If you've listened toother podcasts, you know that I've lost
three children. My sister died attwenty nine. My mom said cancer twice,
like you know, all of thethe things were aren't always good,
you know, divorce, you know, pandemic, the whole thing right away,
right, And so I think I'mmore used to things not always being
happy than I am used to thingsbeing happy. Yeah, not only exactly

(11:16):
my new life modo, what ifit all works out? And although I
have that in a neon sign thatyou gave me for my birthday and I
subscribed to that, it catches upwith you over time, even with the
work that I've done. And Irealized, finally, honestly to my relief,
that I was just really uncomfortable beinghappy. I was really happy,
and I was just spending a lotof time looking behind me, waiting for

(11:39):
the shoe to drop, trying tofigure out where the unhappiness like I could
set, like I could offset thebalance of the universe if I got too
happy, that I need to likepull it back. And one of the
things I recognized when I lost kidswas that we have no control over the
universe. If we did, wewould make things come out the different way
sometimes. And just that understanding iswhat allowed me to be open on our

(12:01):
wedding day and to you know,where was tears. There was you know,
just a lot of like angst,a lot of chest pressure, a
lot of that leading up to it. And then once we figured that out,
it was this huge relief for me, you know, and I was
able to move forward and enjoy theday and figure out that it had nothing
to do with us, right,And I think that that's one. It
wasn't me, it was you rightright. It wasn't a you like,

(12:24):
it wasn't a it wasn't a you, it was me. It wasn't in
us right like. It's like,and it's a lot of things that are
seemingly us have all the roots.Well, I think we've learned that very
clearly, that there is very likelya thing that we have. You know,
if we have an issue, it'sa button from the past, it's

(12:46):
a it's like a bias or abelief that we had that we were we
didn't realize, like a learned behaviorthat we haven't necessarily maybe communicated right or
even haven't even realized it. Yeah, usually we don't really cause something right,
but going into it with that understandingthat not everything is going to be
your fault or my fault or somethingwrong, that sometimes it's just about digging

(13:09):
into those Even our marriage was anexample of that. You know, I
think we talked a lot about dowe get married, do we not get
married? What would that look like? And I think that that is you
know, I realized that as openas I think I am, and as
open as they think I want tobe. You know, I had some
old ideas of marriage, or atleast of relationship, long term relationships.

(13:31):
There was something in me that wantedto be connected with you for the rest
of our lives in a formal way, something that I felt like other people
could see since we don't live together. Also, and I wanted to give
a frame and a context for ourchildren too, And I think we built
We talked about that a lot,you know, in the beginning. I'm
not sure that you. I don'tknow if you didn't agree with me or

(13:52):
you just had to work through someother things. I'm not really sure where
you think you were about marriage,well, talking about you know, coming
into it, but I, youknow, for whatever reason, and I
honestly I don't know the root causeof it, but I was adamant about
never getting married again. And I'msure there's some we can do a deep

(14:13):
dive into why that was. Butsome of that had to do with your
experience with marriage or definition of whatthe marriage. You know, what marriage
means when two people are in it, sure, but I think you know,
we talked about it a lot aboutOkay, if we get married,
what changes, right, you know, what's what's different about that? And

(14:35):
a lot of those conversations were aroundnothing, right, Nothing really changes,
you know, like it changes onpaper legally, you know, it changes
on our wills, changes on ourbenefits. You know, it changes on
paper, right, And but whenit comes down to our relationship and relationship

(15:01):
that we have with our kids,it doesn't really change much. And in
fact, you know, I thinkI think those relationships have been enhanced by
our marriage. You know, Ithink structurally it doesn't change, right,
Structurally it doesn't change. We're stillin the same living in the same spaces,
having the same routine, relatively asroutine as our lives can be.

(15:22):
But I think, like you know, I think your relationship with Ruby was
very tight to begin with, andI think it's gotten tighter, like as
she sees you as no longer assilly as it sounds like, she doesn't
see you as much as my girlfriend, as she sees you as her stepma.
Well, and I think that that'sa really good point. You know,

(15:43):
everything changed, but nothing changed,and it is a very interesting concept.
And I think from a brain perspective, you know, we we categorize
and we group things and we havethese frames that we put around different people
in different concepts, and you know, that's what creates biases that can either
be positive or negative. Right,So when we talk about prejudice and diversity

(16:07):
and different things like that, youknow, we're talking about groups. And
if you're not open enough from thosebiases into those groups, you're going to
have negative side effects to it.But if you recognize those and you're open
more, then you have you canhave more positive side effects. And I
think for us, we needed aframe because we did what everybody else defined
as a relationship or defined as along term relationship. We were doing the

(16:32):
opposite of you know, we're veryconnected, but people don't see those components
to it too. We live separately. We have two separate sets of kids,
you know, and so you'd seeus together. But it was this
girlfriend kind of concept is temporary concept, And I think you're right. As
soon as we got married, itshifted into people understood who we were to
each other, and they had aframe to put us in and they knew

(16:56):
how to treat us. And yeah, you're right, I'm very close with
the kids, but it is avery different thing for both kids, I
mean, both kids will say bye, I love you now, you know,
both kids will PLoP on the coumPLoP on the couch. It feel
like that this house is their housetoo, you know, act out as
much, you know, do kindthings as much. And even you know,

(17:18):
Ruby is kind of just like,all right, which house. It's
almost like they have a third houseto go to instead of just mom and
dad. And I think that that'sbeen really nice. And then I think,
you know, certain places I mightnot step over a line before I
might have been hesitant for I don'tfeel that hesitancy as much anymore. So
we talked about being like an assistantcoach, which absolutely I still am,

(17:41):
but I feel like I have Iput in enough time to be able to
say, like, I'm really worriedabout this, or I'm really excited about
this, or I want to bea part of these things. And for
me, you know, it's assumedI go to family things, graduations,
all those things, whereas before,you know, it wasn't quite clear.
Yeah you know, I mean,I don't know if you've had experiences like
that. Now that we've been youknow, we're married versus not married.

(18:03):
No, I think you know initially, you know, I've always felt accepted
by your family and that, youknow, but your mom, uh definitely
had a different as as silly asit sounds, because I know that she
cared for me before, but afterwe got married, I feel like she
was maybe her guard came down alittle bit, you know, and they're

(18:23):
like, oh, this is thisis forever, so come here forever.
Right yeah, right, you know, so that was interesting to me,
you know. But you know,I think, you know, I think
the I think similar with your kids. You know. I think we we
like to joke now, you know, when you and I are talking about
something and well I'm going to dothis, and you mean we and the

(18:48):
fun part because that goes both ways, right you know. And I had
an interesting you know, I hadRuby was struggling with something the other day
and we were having a conversation aboutit. And this not that this is
a measure of you know, theimpact of our marriage on this situation,
but you know, I referenced youand how you know, you talk about
her and her strengths, you know, and if we can channel that for

(19:11):
her confidence, you know, Andshe knew what I meant, like she
knew because that openness of your relationshiphas changed a little bit. Yeah,
I think it's been more open.And so she that was something that you
and I had talked about, butI think you had started to talk to
her about it, and so sheknew that it was something that you had

(19:33):
said to her, and it wasn'tjust a conversation you and I had,
and so I was able to referenceit and she knew what I was talking
about to you know, in adegree that maybe in the past she would
have wouldn't have been as familiar withit because your relationship hadn't got to that
point. Yeah, I think weI think you're right. I think I'm
a very direct person. She's notalways used to that, and we've worked

(19:56):
she's kind of come around to theidea of sharing her emotions and talk talking
about them being a thing that iseffective for her. You know, we
will have a conversation and I willsay to her after, does that feel
better or worse? Right, becauseeveryone does things the same way, And
inevitably she started to say that feelsbetter. And you know, even you
know, we're big therapy bands,taking you know, having her in therapy,

(20:18):
and you know, all jewels andtherapy. Everybody's in some form of
therapy, and I just love thefact that she was able to recognize that
talking about her emotions was helping her. I think she even made some quip
like, I never talked about myemotions until that one came in to me,
you know, and listen. Ithink it goes both ways with my
kids too. I think my kidshave had, you know, love you

(20:40):
very much and see you as aparental figure in their lives also. And
I think that's what we both hopeto do, is just make a positive
impact on our own kids and oneach other's kids and on each other's lives
and and kind of let them seethe model of us working really hard but
being happy instead of working really hard, and it not right. And I
think think, you know, wehave made an effort to make it clear

(21:03):
to the kids that we are inmyself and you are not trying to replace
anybody in their in their lives,and we were there support, but with
the I guess the giving them thesense that this is a permanent thing,
this is a forever thing, thatnow you have somebody who is it's a

(21:23):
strange kind of thing where they knewyou were there to support them before.
But now that you're married to me, I'm stuck with them. I feel
like, right, yeah, they'restuck with you, right, but you
know, and so it just it'sfunny like how you know our day to
day hasn't changed, Like, youknow, that's something that that hasn't changed.

(21:44):
And we were, you know,clear with the kids that it wasn't
going to change, and we meantit. We've stuck with that. I
don't think we have intentions of changing. And but it's interesting that they were
the initiators of the change, youknow, like they took they took kind
of the lead in connecting more andyou know and planning the wedding, right,

(22:07):
I mean the girls. I rememberI was driving with Ruby and she
said, are you going to geta cake? And I was like,
oh, that's a good idea.What do you think we should do?
And we just talked it out andlet them plan it. You know,
girls pick their dresses and kind ofdecide helped decide when and wearing what things
would look like, went to theshore for the weekend with all the families,
you know, and yeah they wereand that's to your credit, and
I think you know, the yingand the yang of us is the moving

(22:30):
and the slowing down, right,And you know, you've taught me so
much about the and this has translatednot just personally but professionally for me,
the idea of slowing down, ofletting people get get there themselves, helping
them get there in different ways.And I think you did that with our
children and to the point where theywere like, are we getting married now?

(22:52):
Are we getting married now? Like? Why are we married yet?
And you know, they You're right, they they're they're kind of driving the
ship happily. And I think that'sbeen really meaningful for both of us to
watch that because they feel like,you know, on this on one level,
every single thing has changed and thenin another sense, absolutely nothing.
So cheers to podcast episode one.Cheers Baby, Cheers. Well, thanks

(23:15):
for joining us for this episode ofWhat's Happening here. Don't forget to subscribe
to our YouTube page or you canfollow me on Instagram at doctor Sarah l
Allen and keV shows up all outthere too. Be sure to tell a
friend what you liked about this episodeand share it with them. After all,
we're all in this together, justtrying to figure out what's happening here