Kids pushing the envelope? Naaa, not our kids! Ok, actually they do it all the time and all kinds of ways. Take a listen as we ATTEMPT to navigate these situations. Maybe we can help you avoid some of the mistakes we've made. We'll give you a hint...get comfortable with Google....you'll see what we mean.
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(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast for finding the perfect imbalance
of being a parent, a partner, and a person without losing the things
that matter most to you in theprocess. Like you're Sennity, you might
know me as doctor Sarah the BrainGal. I'm a pediatric neuros psychologist and
mom of two who translates brain scienceto everyday life. I see all kids,
really all people like little brains.You probably don't know me. I'm
(00:24):
Kevin, Sarah's partner in crime,Bourbon Afcinado, discusser of all things,
and father of two. We startedthis podcast because we saw a big gap
between research and practice, especially whenyou have a unique family structure like ours,
and we wanted to share what wehave learned and hopefully what we continue
about navigating our lives through the lensof brain science with a big old helping
of reality. Next day, weknow there are lots of families that look
(00:47):
like ours, we're kind of likeour, or maybe look nothing like ours,
which makes finding a single source ofguidance and advice so hard. But
we're going to try to help you. So join us as we try to
figure out what's happening here, Hey, Kevy baby, I thought I was
really smart the other day. Idon't know, well, actually you were.
You were there, you remember this. We were talking with the girls
(01:08):
and I have this great parenting tiprule that I thought I was so smart
about. So I love you know, I like listening to all different kinds
of music. It's just like you. We like to do that in this
family. And I always think about, you know, the words that are
little too advanced for them, thelyrics that are a little too advanced for
(01:29):
them. There's all these things onInstagram and TikTok about like how we what
we were listening to untielve and thirteenand fourteen. Yeah, we're like,
oh, that's not appropriate, rightright? Like ride that pony like you
know, like, you know,I didn't know what that meant for a
very long time, but I wassinging that in the back of the swim
bus for a while, along withsome really bad things otherwise. So I
(01:53):
thought, you know, parent gonnabe really super smart. And I'm not
going to tell my kids that theycan't listen to things, right, both
of our kids. Actually, Iam going to tell them they can listen
to anything they want as long asthey'll talk about it with them, and
not because they have questions. Wewant them to explain it to us.
Yes, so that we that theyneed to be able to understand what they're
(02:14):
listening to. They can listen toanything that they understand and talk about it
in a conversation. Absolutely. Soit started right with like little you know,
curse words and things like that.I remember, and I mean,
that's not in kids Bop. Ilove kids Bop. I think I've been
to five kids Pop. I don'teven think that's an exaggeration. You went
without your kids. I started grabbingkids. I was like, you have
(02:38):
taken my nieces other kids that mykids knew. I to take anybody.
I love kids Pop. Maybe becauseof what happened next. So it started
with little curse words here and thereor something like that, and it started
really the idea came to me becauseCarter came out of a soccer game once
and he got back and by theway, this podcast maybe slightly explicit,
(03:00):
so headphones. So he came intothe car and he was really young and
he's like, those players are pussies. And I was like, oh,
do you know what that word means? Right? And he had no clue.
He's like, I'm a mom,and they were all saying it,
you know, and I think,you know, for me, I think
that's what happens with a lot ofkids, especially as they're kind of starting
(03:23):
to get a little too old forthemselves. They think they know more than
they do. Right. So wehad this conversation about what that actually meant,
and he was mortified. But Ifelt like, you know, now
you know what the words you're notlistening to a friend say this word,
repeating it, and then you're gonnaget yourself in more trouble. You're gonna
go to school or something or sayto the wrong person. Sure, and
there you go. Right. Sohere, I'm like, Okay, this
(03:43):
is going to be great. Youcan listen to anything because I'm open.
We're opened. Oh yeah, we'reprogressive parents, We're so right. Yeah,
you know, I feel like youwere strict kids. And then they
you know, especially for quote noreason that they feel is no reason.
Yes, then they start doing itmore. Same with cursing, right,
kind of like, yeah, cursea little bit. You have to watch
where you do it because it's notyou know, it's more about teaching respect.
(04:05):
But sometimes it's pretty good emphasis.Well, I think also to be
realistic in the fact that they're gonnathey're all at the age where they're going
to do it anyway, right,whether you're you know it or not,
Like they're they're going to start cursing, right, and then you know different
reasons, like some kids start doingit because they really want to be older
(04:29):
than they are, right, youknow, they're the ones that are always
pushing the envelope of doing things first, or being like the older kid,
or they're the youngest and they wantto and then the other ones that's kind
of like follow along with that kid. And next thing you know, you
got a whole gaggle of kids thatthey're person up a storm and a lot
of times don't even like you're saying, don't even know what the words mean,
(04:50):
what they're going to use them?Yeah, right exactly. So you
know, there's different reasons for howthey get into it at these ages,
and then they go to extremes likeI think people don't know when you're learning
how to do something new, you'regoing to do it wrong a couple of
times, which we'll get to I'msure at some point. But so with
cursing, you know, I rememberthere were stages with my kids where we
(05:10):
would hear, you know, ohthere they just every other word out of
their mouth is cursed. They wouldn'tdo it in front of adults, but
their other kids would tell us that, right. And then once it became
like not really fun anymore to youknow, wasn't really meaningful or they weren't
getting the attention, they kind offigure it out. And don't get me
wrong, they cursed sometimes, justlike their mother probably and like their father
(05:31):
and stepfather. But it's kind ofbecome more like they can do it appropriately.
And I've even noticed if somebody slipsa little bit more. I think
I just happened the other day.Carter was in the car and I think
we remember he said he was tellingsomething and he slipped one in and it
was actually perfectly placed and well wellused, right, but I think it
caught you off guard, right,And I just said to him, you
(05:54):
know, he's like, oh,because he caught it too, And I
just said, you gotta be careful. If you're going to use them,
you have to be able to toknow like how to hold them back in
certain times. So you're teaching themhow to use it. But I think
I made a joke about it lateron too, where you know, I
was more caught off guard by thecurse word that you use than what you
were talking about, right, uhhuh, exactly. And I'm a big
(06:14):
believer in that. I'm a bigbeliever in that in social media. I
know, we want to pull ourkids right off social media or not let
them have access to it, butI think you have to teach kids how
to use social media these days,you know, especially with you know a
lot of looking at people who lookedperfect and their body image issues. There's
I mean, think about how manytimes we do something because it's a TikTok
trend, and I'm trying to helpthem figure out when those TikTok trends are
(06:36):
fun to follow and when they're stupid. Yeah. And I think also like
you're kind of teaching them like thisis this account or this that you're following,
like they are doing it there's noreal substance to it. They're really
just doing it for views, rightclicks, right, and you know,
because this is how it works.So you know, be a little cautious
(06:58):
or be a little aware of youknow, don't take everything that you see
out there for facts for truth,you know, like and you have to
be taught those things sure too,And that's very difficult. And you keep
them completely off and away from itfor a really really long time, too
long, maybe because they're not engagingwith their peers. And then one they're
going to get their own account.Kids are very resourceful. They're going to
(07:20):
figure out a way or they're goingto use their friends account. But we
lose the opportunity to help to teachthem and have that open dialogue, you
know, like, yeah, youknow where where now? My kids will
bring me videos and be like,did you see this? You know,
like and both. Most of thetime it's entertaining stuff that they're like entertained
by, But a lot of timeswe'll have conversations, you know, where
(07:43):
somebody will see like, you know, the kids will tell me about a
video they saw about something that occurred, and there the facts are wrong,
right, you know, And Ilistened to them and they say, well,
that's not exactly true, or wedon't know that for a fact yet
that is not that's rumor innuendo.That piece of detail that you know they're
(08:05):
spewing is fact in the video hasn'tbeen reported as fact by the authorities or
right, so you have to kindof teach them, you know, you
know, it's almost like you listento it, be aware of it,
but you don't necessarily have to takeeverything you see out there as fact.
You use other sources. They're teachablemoments. There's so many of them.
(08:26):
It's almost like, Okay, well, don't use a single source of information
as fact. You know, haveit corroborated by other right sources. Well,
I just mean in general, there'sso many teachable moments. Like I
said, body image issues. Youkeep kids away from that till they're seventeen,
eighteen, nineteen twenty, then theystart doing it on their own.
Now now they don't you're not thereto do it. So there's and we
(08:48):
have this conversation a lot. There'sso many things that it's hard to figure
out exactly when the right time isto start to expose them. But there's
a lot of social interactions that happenaround this, and even if you keep
your kids off of it. Ican tell you working in middle schools right
now, this is the biggest issuein middle schools is social media use.
Words spread really fast, so whereas it used to be, someone was
(09:09):
bullying another kid or said something aboutanother kid and you had a couple of
days to deal with it. Ihave seen schools have to hit it right
away because it spreads like wildfire.So they're already starting to get on that.
And this is even with restricting phoneuse in the schools, they're still
seeing it. And so the problemis if we don't expose a little,
we lose that teachable moment opportunity.Well, I think it's speaking to that
(09:31):
point. One thing that you dothat I'm always entertained by and is you
know, kids will get in thecar and they'll be upset about something.
I think it's mainly I think maybeyou did it with Jules four, but
Carter has kind of started doing it, and he asked permission, can I
curse? And you're like, yeah, and this in your venting to me
(09:54):
right now where there's nobody else around, Yeah, go ahead, And he
lets forth and gets it out ofhis system. You know, I think
that's great because he's you know,you're you're teaching him like there's certain times
where that it's okay and I'll giveyou the space to vent, you know,
and then you could sometimes, youknow, after he's done venting,
(10:16):
you could be like, Okay,I'm glad you got that out. By
the way, that's not the rightword to use it, right, Do
you know what that word means?Yes, yes, I'm probably pretty classic
for taking any teachable moment and anopportunity my poor children. But yeah,
and I think that's actually right.To the point is find helping them figure
out, because it's not just cursingthat he's doing. There, he's saying
things he may not really mean,or they're going everything's in extreme. It
(10:41):
always happens. Nothing is this right, and you and you feel that way,
you think that way, and whenkids are expressing themselves, and even
when I'm expressing my stuff, youwill even say that to each other,
like I'm just saying this right now, let me get it out right,
and don't try to fix the problem. Just listen. You'll say that to
me a lot. I will evenbe like, you know what I mean
though, Like, so I'm sayingit out loud to get it out,
(11:01):
but you know that I don't reallymean every single thing I might be saying
in a particular moments. So Imean, that's that's you know, providing
your kids with each other with thatkind of safe space to vent your emotions
without there being needing an explanation oryou know, having to have any repercussions
about venting those emotions. That givesthem the opportunity to understand that, you
(11:26):
know, you need to control youremotions in some settings, and then you
know, have an opportunity to havesomeone who's created a space for you to
be able to have those emotions andnot have to explain them, not have
to apologize for them. You know, that's that's the same kind of thing
that we've been trying to teach them, Like, right, you know,
there's appropriate times for you to curse, and then there's appropriate times for you
(11:50):
not to. You know, there'sthere's times where you shouldn't giving them the
space to do it, learn andbe able to help guide them on that.
Yeah, we don't want you.You know, if you're out playing
with your friends and you guys arecursing, okay, hey, make sure
there's no little kids around, right, you know, like don't do it
at the playground when there's a bunchof little kids. Run right, and
(12:13):
to make sure there's no adults aroundand watch your audience. Right, If
you know there's a kid that's notcomfortable with that, you don't do it.
I mean, there's so many subtlerules, right, there's so many
subjective rules to social interactions. AndI think you actually made a very good
point about funnel up development, likeFranie, Right, we've talked about Frannie
was talking about amyg the Maig dealof the emotions center the brain. And
(12:33):
when we're developing that Frannie and aMeg relationship, knowing when to do it
and not to do it is aFronie skill. And I think also teaching
them kind of like how to doit, you know, like, Okay,
so that's a word. I don'tcare who you hear say that.
That's a word you're never don't use. You know, that's a word that
is off limits no matter who you'retalking to, despite hearing it, and
(12:54):
use it despite this. This isyou can't use this for this reason.
Yeah. Well, and that's allFronnie development. And so that translates across
the board, right, when you'reteaching kids in these situations, it translates
from just cursing to control in otherscenarios as well, because you're building that
part of the brain up. Andyou know, I when it comes to
subtleties in social interactions as well,you're teaching rules when to and when not.
(13:18):
Again, that's a lot of control, that's all Fronnie. So they
get these big emotions. You're startingto teach these coping skills by helping them
learn how to control and regulate,how to get it out, when to
do it, when not to doit right. It's all front and I
think it's important to say that we'renot saying this is easy. Oh no,
we're about to tell yeah. Right. So I think the point of
it is we believe that this isthe right approach, is to kind of
(13:41):
exposure therapy, right, like,to give them an opportunity to do this,
find opportunities for them to learn theright way to do things. You
know, what's not, what's okay, what's not okay? Like we mentioned,
But that doesn't mean that those conversationsare easy. Whether it's not cursing
or if it's about body parts orsex, you can say it. See
(14:01):
it makes it when two people lovethe birds and the bees. Yeah,
And I think that that is exactlywhy this is one of the reasons we
started the podcast. In the firstplace is because the science you know,
well, restrict their access and watchwhat they do and don't expose them,
and this impacts their body image andthis impacts you know, all of these
things. Well yeah, but there'sthere's two sides to that too. If
(14:22):
you don't expose on some level,you're losing teachable moments. And then hey,
no one ever tells you about thestory I'm just about to say.
So here I am thinking, I'mreal smart, and I am I'm creating
this opportunity for teachable moment openness,Like we're gonna have all these great discussions
about what these songs are and ormaybe they just won't want to listen to
them because they're not It's not theydon't want to talk about it. They
(14:46):
don't want to talk about it.Yes, Unfortunately I forgot the nature of
our children, especially when they allget together. And so the children started
playing songs for us at the table, and the first couple were like,
Okay, do you know what shemeans when he says sex, when she
says go down? Do you realizethat she's not just talking about bending?
Right? Like? There are otherpieces to this. And then as you
(15:07):
start to call they start to say, no, what do you mean,
I don't understand, and you realizethat this is a hell of a lot
uncomfortable for you too, exactly.And also we learned I don't even know
if you remember this, I probablyso we're looking and I'm I'm trying to
(15:28):
follow, which I find it veryfun. Like R and B RAP songs,
I think they're fabulous. They're usuallystraightforward to the point, like you
don't have any questions. But lately, like we've been listened to a little
bit of Drake who has some awesomelyrics, but some you know, complicated
ones at times, and I forgetwho was even the last one I listened
to, Like I couldn't figure outif the guy was talking about being best
(15:52):
friends with the girl. I thinkhe wanted to be best friends or like
did she have a best friend andhe couldn't handle it because he was the
being heard what I couldn't understand it. We had this whole conversation. Those
were good ones. Jay didn't knoweither, and she will consistently say,
Mom, stop your ruining the summer. But the one I'm I don't even
remember the line, but they referto a body part that I had never
heard of before? Gooch? Doyou remember this vaguely? Do you know
(16:18):
what gooc is? I have guesses, but I don't want to. Well,
go ahead, you can get I'lllet me guess. Listen, if
we're going to listen to the musicand we're gonna have to talk about the
context. It was a body,it was part of your body. Do
something to yes, do I haveis? I think we do? I
think we both. We'd have togoogle it again, and I don't want
(16:41):
that in my Google history. Ihad no idea what it was. I
had to look it up. Idon't even know if we should tell people
or we should let them google itit is. I don't know. I
had to google it. If Ihad to guess, use your voice,
use your voice. Uh yeah,But then you have to have a conversation
(17:02):
about what you know, body partsbetween maybe other body parts that you know,
maybe there are different things going inand out of would have And that's
the problem here. I think I'moutsmarting them. I'm making great. I
know we didn't know what that term. If the people who would pay listen
to our podcast don't know, Yes, you can comment on our posts when
you listen and tell us if youknew what it was or what Please don't
(17:25):
comment what it actually is because we'llprobably use it. Don't use it.
He doesn't remember what it means.But yeah, you're starting to listen.
I mean some of this has beengood conversations. And you talked about exposure
therapy. Yeah, for the kids, but for the parents, do right,
because you get used to talking aboutthese topics and you realize, as
(17:47):
progressive or as open as you mightbe, that it's still uncomfortable to talk
about yeah, And that if youwant your kids to talk about, you
know, kissing a boy or agirl, or you know, thoughts they're
having about the you know, anotherperson in their sphere, you have to
be able to kind of hang andhave those conversations. And as as psychologist,
like, I'm very used to peopletell me weird things all the time,
(18:11):
and I'm used to controlling my emotionsabout it and just being like,
okay, well then what does thatmake you feel about it? We do
this and kind of just parrotying itback to them. But when it is
your own children and yourself, it'sa different story. It becomes a much
different story. It's a very differentstory. But I think it's the lesson
is though it's yes, it's difficult, but it's important and I think it
(18:32):
goes a long way in you know, helping your kids understand the world around
them, but also to create adynamic of openness between you and your kid.
Like if you if you can handleand handle that type of conversation,
you know they're going to feel,without pressure, much more open and willing
to probably come to you with otherthings that they want to talk about.
(18:53):
And they may or may not.That's the other thing too, Like as
much as you try, depending onyour kid's personality style, they may or
may not feel like they can talkto you, but they hear you.
You know, when we look atjust the amount that the kids, you
see them do something that you've done, even when they were little, you
know, like you'd watch kids goin mirror and sort to shave like their
dad's or something like that. Imean they do that now too. They
(19:15):
hear you later. So you know, I try to remember that too when
I'm seeing kids, and when Iwatch our kids that they go through phases
and they hear you later. Sothese things they hear, these things in
their heads, they'll hear you latersaying, you know, here's what Coocha's
that was a terrible way of transitioning. But you know, teachable moments,
they'll hear you that, you knowthey you know when mom says, you
(19:37):
know, make sure that you're thinkingabout how you feel about this right that
you think about does this feel good? Does this not? You know,
do I feel uncomfortable? Listen tothat gut in your in your body telling
you this may not be the bestthing, or even like, hey,
flag that I'm starting to look atthese images on social media and feel really
bad about myself and go down apath of negativity and this isn't feeling good?
(20:03):
And how do I go and getsome help with that? And I
think that that's the important part whenit is about openness. It is about
teaching you know that you can havethese conversations, but it's also about teaching
them how to think about the thingsthat they're exposed to, you know.
And I think the science isn't clearon that. The science is all about
kind of what it's all associative to. It's like, well, we see
(20:26):
kids who are exposed to social mediaby twelve have this effect or seventeen of
this effect but we don't see,well, what if they're exposed and they're
guided. What if they're exposed andsomeone can talk them through it. What
if they curse? But then theylearn these things and again, kids always
go to extremes, right, Sothey're going to try it, They're going
to do it wrong first, andthen that gives us an opportunity to help
(20:48):
them do it right. So thinksometimes when they're in that phase of quote
doing it wrong or failing at it, that we worry. We worry there's
something wrong. We worry that theyhave a diagnosis like it, calls all
the time about it, or thatthey are bad kids. Right, and
you realize they're stumbling through this isa great This is great for you actually
because you now get to steer themin the right direction, steering them to
(21:11):
and away from things they might becomfortable or uncomfortable with. Two are away
from how to you know, thinkabout something a decision that they're making,
you know, and then really beingable to say, okay, how do
I recognize in myself when my moodis at a point where I need help
or where I don't understand these things? And I think the modeling of that
(21:33):
for yourself and those conversations for yourkids. We're asking a lot of questions,
we're talking things out, we're sayinghow you know this makes me feel
interested but also really uncomfortable at thesame time, Like I really love this
song, but when I listen tothe actual lyrics, like with you in
the room, this is weird.You can have those multiple we don't talk
that much about, like the differentyou can have two feelings at once,
(21:56):
right, And I think all thosethings are you know, are really important,
and we know when it comes tothe brain. You know, anything
going to an extreme is going tobe bad for the brain, and anything
kind of in the middle is good. So like a little exposure, something
that makes you feel excited and funis great. But when you even like
gambling, that's exciting and fun,but then too much of it is going
(22:18):
to put you you backwards and evenwill start to kind of increase stress hormones
in the brain and kind of literallyeat away at your brain. So you
want to find those middle points andof exposure and things like that. So
I think that that is a reallyit's just you know, everyone go google
gucha and find your own method offiguring things out with your rights. Right,
(22:38):
Yeah, absolutely, cheers you think. Well, thanks for joining us
for this episode of What's Happening Here? Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube
page or you can follow me onInstagram at doctor Sarah l Alan and keV
shows up a lot there too.Be sure to tell a friend what you
liked about this episode and share withthem. After all, we're all in
this together, just trying to figureout what's happening here. HM,
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast for finding the perfect imbalance
of being a parent, a partner, and a person without losing the things
that matter most to you in theprocess. Like you're Sennity, you might
know me as doctor Sarah the BrainGal. I'm a pediatric neuros psychologist and
mom of two who translates brain scienceto everyday life. I see all kids,
really all people like little brains.You probably don't know me. I'm
(00:24):
Kevin, Sarah's partner in crime,Bourbon Afcinado, discusser of all things,
and father of two. We startedthis podcast because we saw a big gap
between research and practice, especially whenyou have a unique family structure like ours,
and we wanted to share what wehave learned and hopefully what we continue
about navigating our lives through the lensof brain science with a big old helping
of reality. Next day, weknow there are lots of families that look
(00:47):
like ours, we're kind of likeour, or maybe look nothing like ours,
which makes finding a single source ofguidance and advice so hard. But
we're going to try to help you. So join us as we try to
figure out what's happening here, Hey, Kevy baby, I thought I was
really smart the other day. Idon't know, well, actually you were.
You were there, you remember this. We were talking with the girls
(01:08):
and I have this great parenting tiprule that I thought I was so smart
about. So I love you know, I like listening to all different kinds
of music. It's just like you. We like to do that in this
family. And I always think about, you know, the words that are
little too advanced for them, thelyrics that are a little too advanced for
(01:29):
them. There's all these things onInstagram and TikTok about like how we what
we were listening to untielve and thirteenand fourteen. Yeah, we're like,
oh, that's not appropriate, rightright? Like ride that pony like you
know, like, you know,I didn't know what that meant for a
very long time, but I wassinging that in the back of the swim
bus for a while, along withsome really bad things otherwise. So I
(01:53):
thought, you know, parent gonnabe really super smart. And I'm not
going to tell my kids that theycan't listen to things, right, both
of our kids. Actually, Iam going to tell them they can listen
to anything they want as long asthey'll talk about it with them, and
not because they have questions. Wewant them to explain it to us.
Yes, so that we that theyneed to be able to understand what they're
(02:14):
listening to. They can listen toanything that they understand and talk about it
in a conversation. Absolutely. Soit started right with like little you know,
curse words and things like that.I remember, and I mean,
that's not in kids Bop. Ilove kids Bop. I think I've been
to five kids Pop. I don'teven think that's an exaggeration. You went
without your kids. I started grabbingkids. I was like, you have
(02:38):
taken my nieces other kids that mykids knew. I to take anybody.
I love kids Pop. Maybe becauseof what happened next. So it started
with little curse words here and thereor something like that, and it started
really the idea came to me becauseCarter came out of a soccer game once
and he got back and by theway, this podcast maybe slightly explicit,
(03:00):
so headphones. So he came intothe car and he was really young and
he's like, those players are pussies. And I was like, oh,
do you know what that word means? Right? And he had no clue.
He's like, I'm a mom,and they were all saying it,
you know, and I think,you know, for me, I think
that's what happens with a lot ofkids, especially as they're kind of starting
(03:23):
to get a little too old forthemselves. They think they know more than
they do. Right. So wehad this conversation about what that actually meant,
and he was mortified. But Ifelt like, you know, now
you know what the words you're notlistening to a friend say this word,
repeating it, and then you're gonnaget yourself in more trouble. You're gonna
go to school or something or sayto the wrong person. Sure, and
there you go. Right. Sohere, I'm like, Okay, this
(03:43):
is going to be great. Youcan listen to anything because I'm open.
We're opened. Oh yeah, we'reprogressive parents, We're so right. Yeah,
you know, I feel like youwere strict kids. And then they
you know, especially for quote noreason that they feel is no reason.
Yes, then they start doing itmore. Same with cursing, right,
kind of like, yeah, cursea little bit. You have to watch
where you do it because it's notyou know, it's more about teaching respect.
(04:05):
But sometimes it's pretty good emphasis.Well, I think also to be
realistic in the fact that they're gonnathey're all at the age where they're going
to do it anyway, right,whether you're you know it or not,
Like they're they're going to start cursing, right, and then you know different
reasons, like some kids start doingit because they really want to be older
(04:29):
than they are, right, youknow, they're the ones that are always
pushing the envelope of doing things first, or being like the older kid,
or they're the youngest and they wantto and then the other ones that's kind
of like follow along with that kid. And next thing you know, you
got a whole gaggle of kids thatthey're person up a storm and a lot
of times don't even like you're saying, don't even know what the words mean,
(04:50):
what they're going to use them?Yeah, right exactly. So you
know, there's different reasons for howthey get into it at these ages,
and then they go to extremes likeI think people don't know when you're learning
how to do something new, you'regoing to do it wrong a couple of
times, which we'll get to I'msure at some point. But so with
cursing, you know, I rememberthere were stages with my kids where we
(05:10):
would hear, you know, ohthere they just every other word out of
their mouth is cursed. They wouldn'tdo it in front of adults, but
their other kids would tell us that, right. And then once it became
like not really fun anymore to youknow, wasn't really meaningful or they weren't
getting the attention, they kind offigure it out. And don't get me
wrong, they cursed sometimes, justlike their mother probably and like their father
(05:31):
and stepfather. But it's kind ofbecome more like they can do it appropriately.
And I've even noticed if somebody slipsa little bit more. I think
I just happened the other day.Carter was in the car and I think
we remember he said he was tellingsomething and he slipped one in and it
was actually perfectly placed and well wellused, right, but I think it
caught you off guard, right,And I just said to him, you
(05:54):
know, he's like, oh,because he caught it too, And I
just said, you gotta be careful. If you're going to use them,
you have to be able to toknow like how to hold them back in
certain times. So you're teaching themhow to use it. But I think
I made a joke about it lateron too, where you know, I
was more caught off guard by thecurse word that you use than what you
were talking about, right, uhhuh, exactly. And I'm a big
(06:14):
believer in that. I'm a bigbeliever in that in social media. I
know, we want to pull ourkids right off social media or not let
them have access to it, butI think you have to teach kids how
to use social media these days,you know, especially with you know a
lot of looking at people who lookedperfect and their body image issues. There's
I mean, think about how manytimes we do something because it's a TikTok
trend, and I'm trying to helpthem figure out when those TikTok trends are
(06:36):
fun to follow and when they're stupid. Yeah. And I think also like
you're kind of teaching them like thisis this account or this that you're following,
like they are doing it there's noreal substance to it. They're really
just doing it for views, rightclicks, right, and you know,
because this is how it works.So you know, be a little cautious
(06:58):
or be a little aware of youknow, don't take everything that you see
out there for facts for truth,you know, like and you have to
be taught those things sure too,And that's very difficult. And you keep
them completely off and away from itfor a really really long time, too
long, maybe because they're not engagingwith their peers. And then one they're
going to get their own account.Kids are very resourceful. They're going to
(07:20):
figure out a way or they're goingto use their friends account. But we
lose the opportunity to help to teachthem and have that open dialogue, you
know, like, yeah, youknow where where now? My kids will
bring me videos and be like,did you see this? You know,
like and both. Most of thetime it's entertaining stuff that they're like entertained
by, But a lot of timeswe'll have conversations, you know, where
(07:43):
somebody will see like, you know, the kids will tell me about a
video they saw about something that occurred, and there the facts are wrong,
right, you know, And Ilistened to them and they say, well,
that's not exactly true, or wedon't know that for a fact yet
that is not that's rumor innuendo.That piece of detail that you know they're
(08:05):
spewing is fact in the video hasn'tbeen reported as fact by the authorities or
right, so you have to kindof teach them, you know, you
know, it's almost like you listento it, be aware of it,
but you don't necessarily have to takeeverything you see out there as fact.
You use other sources. They're teachablemoments. There's so many of them.
(08:26):
It's almost like, Okay, well, don't use a single source of information
as fact. You know, haveit corroborated by other right sources. Well,
I just mean in general, there'sso many teachable moments. Like I
said, body image issues. Youkeep kids away from that till they're seventeen,
eighteen, nineteen twenty, then theystart doing it on their own.
Now now they don't you're not thereto do it. So there's and we
(08:48):
have this conversation a lot. There'sso many things that it's hard to figure
out exactly when the right time isto start to expose them. But there's
a lot of social interactions that happenaround this, and even if you keep
your kids off of it. Ican tell you working in middle schools right
now, this is the biggest issuein middle schools is social media use.
Words spread really fast, so whereas it used to be, someone was
(09:09):
bullying another kid or said something aboutanother kid and you had a couple of
days to deal with it. Ihave seen schools have to hit it right
away because it spreads like wildfire.So they're already starting to get on that.
And this is even with restricting phoneuse in the schools, they're still
seeing it. And so the problemis if we don't expose a little,
we lose that teachable moment opportunity.Well, I think it's speaking to that
(09:31):
point. One thing that you dothat I'm always entertained by and is you
know, kids will get in thecar and they'll be upset about something.
I think it's mainly I think maybeyou did it with Jules four, but
Carter has kind of started doing it, and he asked permission, can I
curse? And you're like, yeah, and this in your venting to me
(09:54):
right now where there's nobody else around, Yeah, go ahead, And he
lets forth and gets it out ofhis system. You know, I think
that's great because he's you know,you're you're teaching him like there's certain times
where that it's okay and I'll giveyou the space to vent, you know,
and then you could sometimes, youknow, after he's done venting,
(10:16):
you could be like, Okay,I'm glad you got that out. By
the way, that's not the rightword to use it, right, Do
you know what that word means?Yes, yes, I'm probably pretty classic
for taking any teachable moment and anopportunity my poor children. But yeah,
and I think that's actually right.To the point is find helping them figure
out, because it's not just cursingthat he's doing. There, he's saying
things he may not really mean,or they're going everything's in extreme. It
(10:41):
always happens. Nothing is this right, and you and you feel that way,
you think that way, and whenkids are expressing themselves, and even
when I'm expressing my stuff, youwill even say that to each other,
like I'm just saying this right now, let me get it out right,
and don't try to fix the problem. Just listen. You'll say that to
me a lot. I will evenbe like, you know what I mean
though, Like, so I'm sayingit out loud to get it out,
(11:01):
but you know that I don't reallymean every single thing I might be saying
in a particular moments. So Imean, that's that's you know, providing
your kids with each other with thatkind of safe space to vent your emotions
without there being needing an explanation oryou know, having to have any repercussions
about venting those emotions. That givesthem the opportunity to understand that, you
(11:26):
know, you need to control youremotions in some settings, and then you
know, have an opportunity to havesomeone who's created a space for you to
be able to have those emotions andnot have to explain them, not have
to apologize for them. You know, that's that's the same kind of thing
that we've been trying to teach them, Like, right, you know,
there's appropriate times for you to curse, and then there's appropriate times for you
(11:50):
not to. You know, there'sthere's times where you shouldn't giving them the
space to do it, learn andbe able to help guide them on that.
Yeah, we don't want you.You know, if you're out playing
with your friends and you guys arecursing, okay, hey, make sure
there's no little kids around, right, you know, like don't do it
at the playground when there's a bunchof little kids. Run right, and
(12:13):
to make sure there's no adults aroundand watch your audience. Right, If
you know there's a kid that's notcomfortable with that, you don't do it.
I mean, there's so many subtlerules, right, there's so many
subjective rules to social interactions. AndI think you actually made a very good
point about funnel up development, likeFranie, Right, we've talked about Frannie
was talking about amyg the Maig dealof the emotions center the brain. And
(12:33):
when we're developing that Frannie and aMeg relationship, knowing when to do it
and not to do it is aFronie skill. And I think also teaching
them kind of like how to doit, you know, like, Okay,
so that's a word. I don'tcare who you hear say that.
That's a word you're never don't use. You know, that's a word that
is off limits no matter who you'retalking to, despite hearing it, and
(12:54):
use it despite this. This isyou can't use this for this reason.
Yeah. Well, and that's allFronnie development. And so that translates across
the board, right, when you'reteaching kids in these situations, it translates
from just cursing to control in otherscenarios as well, because you're building that
part of the brain up. Andyou know, I when it comes to
subtleties in social interactions as well,you're teaching rules when to and when not.
(13:18):
Again, that's a lot of control, that's all Fronnie. So they
get these big emotions. You're startingto teach these coping skills by helping them
learn how to control and regulate,how to get it out, when to
do it, when not to doit right. It's all front and I
think it's important to say that we'renot saying this is easy. Oh no,
we're about to tell yeah. Right. So I think the point of
it is we believe that this isthe right approach, is to kind of
(13:41):
exposure therapy, right, like,to give them an opportunity to do this,
find opportunities for them to learn theright way to do things. You
know, what's not, what's okay, what's not okay? Like we mentioned,
But that doesn't mean that those conversationsare easy. Whether it's not cursing
or if it's about body parts orsex, you can say it. See
(14:01):
it makes it when two people lovethe birds and the bees. Yeah,
And I think that that is exactlywhy this is one of the reasons we
started the podcast. In the firstplace is because the science you know,
well, restrict their access and watchwhat they do and don't expose them,
and this impacts their body image andthis impacts you know, all of these
things. Well yeah, but there'sthere's two sides to that too. If
(14:22):
you don't expose on some level,you're losing teachable moments. And then hey,
no one ever tells you about thestory I'm just about to say.
So here I am thinking, I'mreal smart, and I am I'm creating
this opportunity for teachable moment openness,Like we're gonna have all these great discussions
about what these songs are and ormaybe they just won't want to listen to
them because they're not It's not theydon't want to talk about it. They
(14:46):
don't want to talk about it.Yes, Unfortunately I forgot the nature of
our children, especially when they allget together. And so the children started
playing songs for us at the table, and the first couple were like,
Okay, do you know what shemeans when he says sex, when she
says go down? Do you realizethat she's not just talking about bending?
Right? Like? There are otherpieces to this. And then as you
(15:07):
start to call they start to say, no, what do you mean,
I don't understand, and you realizethat this is a hell of a lot
uncomfortable for you too, exactly.And also we learned I don't even know
if you remember this, I probablyso we're looking and I'm I'm trying to
(15:28):
follow, which I find it veryfun. Like R and B RAP songs,
I think they're fabulous. They're usuallystraightforward to the point, like you
don't have any questions. But lately, like we've been listened to a little
bit of Drake who has some awesomelyrics, but some you know, complicated
ones at times, and I forgetwho was even the last one I listened
to, Like I couldn't figure outif the guy was talking about being best
(15:52):
friends with the girl. I thinkhe wanted to be best friends or like
did she have a best friend andhe couldn't handle it because he was the
being heard what I couldn't understand it. We had this whole conversation. Those
were good ones. Jay didn't knoweither, and she will consistently say,
Mom, stop your ruining the summer. But the one I'm I don't even
remember the line, but they referto a body part that I had never
heard of before? Gooch? Doyou remember this vaguely? Do you know
(16:18):
what gooc is? I have guesses, but I don't want to. Well,
go ahead, you can get I'lllet me guess. Listen, if
we're going to listen to the musicand we're gonna have to talk about the
context. It was a body,it was part of your body. Do
something to yes, do I haveis? I think we do? I
think we both. We'd have togoogle it again, and I don't want
(16:41):
that in my Google history. Ihad no idea what it was. I
had to look it up. Idon't even know if we should tell people
or we should let them google itit is. I don't know. I
had to google it. If Ihad to guess, use your voice,
use your voice. Uh yeah,But then you have to have a conversation
(17:02):
about what you know, body partsbetween maybe other body parts that you know,
maybe there are different things going inand out of would have And that's
the problem here. I think I'moutsmarting them. I'm making great. I
know we didn't know what that term. If the people who would pay listen
to our podcast don't know, Yes, you can comment on our posts when
you listen and tell us if youknew what it was or what Please don't
(17:25):
comment what it actually is because we'llprobably use it. Don't use it.
He doesn't remember what it means.But yeah, you're starting to listen.
I mean some of this has beengood conversations. And you talked about exposure
therapy. Yeah, for the kids, but for the parents, do right,
because you get used to talking aboutthese topics and you realize, as
(17:47):
progressive or as open as you mightbe, that it's still uncomfortable to talk
about yeah, And that if youwant your kids to talk about, you
know, kissing a boy or agirl, or you know, thoughts they're
having about the you know, anotherperson in their sphere, you have to
be able to kind of hang andhave those conversations. And as as psychologist,
like, I'm very used to peopletell me weird things all the time,
(18:11):
and I'm used to controlling my emotionsabout it and just being like,
okay, well then what does thatmake you feel about it? We do
this and kind of just parrotying itback to them. But when it is
your own children and yourself, it'sa different story. It becomes a much
different story. It's a very differentstory. But I think it's the lesson
is though it's yes, it's difficult, but it's important and I think it
(18:32):
goes a long way in you know, helping your kids understand the world around
them, but also to create adynamic of openness between you and your kid.
Like if you if you can handleand handle that type of conversation,
you know they're going to feel,without pressure, much more open and willing
to probably come to you with otherthings that they want to talk about.
(18:53):
And they may or may not.That's the other thing too, Like as
much as you try, depending onyour kid's personality style, they may or
may not feel like they can talkto you, but they hear you.
You know, when we look atjust the amount that the kids, you
see them do something that you've done, even when they were little, you
know, like you'd watch kids goin mirror and sort to shave like their
dad's or something like that. Imean they do that now too. They
(19:15):
hear you later. So you know, I try to remember that too when
I'm seeing kids, and when Iwatch our kids that they go through phases
and they hear you later. Sothese things they hear, these things in
their heads, they'll hear you latersaying, you know, here's what Coocha's
that was a terrible way of transitioning. But you know, teachable moments,
they'll hear you that, you knowthey you know when mom says, you
(19:37):
know, make sure that you're thinkingabout how you feel about this right that
you think about does this feel good? Does this not? You know,
do I feel uncomfortable? Listen tothat gut in your in your body telling
you this may not be the bestthing, or even like, hey,
flag that I'm starting to look atthese images on social media and feel really
bad about myself and go down apath of negativity and this isn't feeling good?
(20:03):
And how do I go and getsome help with that? And I
think that that's the important part whenit is about openness. It is about
teaching you know that you can havethese conversations, but it's also about teaching
them how to think about the thingsthat they're exposed to, you know.
And I think the science isn't clearon that. The science is all about
kind of what it's all associative to. It's like, well, we see
(20:26):
kids who are exposed to social mediaby twelve have this effect or seventeen of
this effect but we don't see,well, what if they're exposed and they're
guided. What if they're exposed andsomeone can talk them through it. What
if they curse? But then theylearn these things and again, kids always
go to extremes, right, Sothey're going to try it, They're going
to do it wrong first, andthen that gives us an opportunity to help
(20:48):
them do it right. So thinksometimes when they're in that phase of quote
doing it wrong or failing at it, that we worry. We worry there's
something wrong. We worry that theyhave a diagnosis like it, calls all
the time about it, or thatthey are bad kids. Right, and
you realize they're stumbling through this isa great This is great for you actually
because you now get to steer themin the right direction, steering them to
(21:11):
and away from things they might becomfortable or uncomfortable with. Two are away
from how to you know, thinkabout something a decision that they're making,
you know, and then really beingable to say, okay, how do
I recognize in myself when my moodis at a point where I need help
or where I don't understand these things? And I think the modeling of that
(21:33):
for yourself and those conversations for yourkids. We're asking a lot of questions,
we're talking things out, we're sayinghow you know this makes me feel
interested but also really uncomfortable at thesame time, Like I really love this
song, but when I listen tothe actual lyrics, like with you in
the room, this is weird.You can have those multiple we don't talk
that much about, like the differentyou can have two feelings at once,
(21:56):
right, And I think all thosethings are you know, are really important,
and we know when it comes tothe brain. You know, anything
going to an extreme is going tobe bad for the brain, and anything
kind of in the middle is good. So like a little exposure, something
that makes you feel excited and funis great. But when you even like
gambling, that's exciting and fun,but then too much of it is going
(22:18):
to put you you backwards and evenwill start to kind of increase stress hormones
in the brain and kind of literallyeat away at your brain. So you
want to find those middle points andof exposure and things like that. So
I think that that is a reallyit's just you know, everyone go google
gucha and find your own method offiguring things out with your rights. Right,
(22:38):
Yeah, absolutely, cheers you think. Well, thanks for joining us
for this episode of What's Happening Here? Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube
page or you can follow me onInstagram at doctor Sarah l Alan and keV
shows up a lot there too.Be sure to tell a friend what you
liked about this episode and share withthem. After all, we're all in
this together, just trying to figureout what's happening here. HM,
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