April 24, 2024 • 27 mins
We’re married now, so Mr. B.G. has settled into his routine, Amy G. is nice and stable…mostly, and Fronnie can pivot wherever she needs to go. So what happened when Kev started talking about…living together?!” The truth is that change--even good changes can be a difficult process. We become comfortable with what we’re used to.
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(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast for finding the perfect imbalance
of being a parent, a partner, and a person without losing the things
that matter most to you in theprocess. Like you're Sennity, you might
know me as doctor Sarah the BrainGal. I'm a pediatric neuros psychologist and
mom of two who translates brain scienceto everyday life. I see all kids,
really all people like little brains.You probably don't know me. I'm
(00:24):
Kevin, Sarah's partner in crime,Bourbon Afcinado, discusser of all things,
and father of two. We startedthis podcast because we saw a big gap
between research and practice, especially whenyou have a unique family structure like ours,
and we wanted to share what wehave learned and hopefully what we continue
about navigating our lives through the lensof brain science with a big old helping
of reality. Next day, weknow there are lots of families that look
(00:47):
like ours, we're kind of likeour, or maybe look nothing like ours,
which makes finding a single source ofguidance and advice so hard. But
we're going to try to help you. So join us as we try to
figure out what's happening here. Welcometo Wednesday, kav. Hey baby,
it's Thursday. Nobody knows that wedon't always record on Wednesday. It's kind
(01:11):
of like fins instead of winds today. But they're listening to it on winds
of course, right if we areany day after winds, if we get
our act together to post it onwinds slightly delayed. No, we've always
been posting on Wednesday, Okay,just not recording on Wednesdays. Not all
(01:32):
the time. That's true because ourlives have changed a lot. We've gotten
married drastically. Like today, Isay, can we do a podcast where
it hasn't changed it all? Well, it's everything has changed and nothing has
change. Yes, Like today,I said to you, come look at
the closet in the bedroom. Iactually wanted you to look in the closet
in the bedroom. This wasn't someploy. No, but your idea was
(01:53):
better than my seerious to your idea. Speaking of ideas, after cheers,
saying the other day, do youremember what you said to me? Well,
I'm supposed to, and these arequestions that I'm supposed to have answers
to. I think the funny thingis you do actually remember what you said,
(02:13):
may depend give me some contact.Yeah, well, it's true,
I should probably. It's like whensomeone do you want to give something to
tell me? I did kind oflead that there to that. I was
like, why don't you tell mewhat you remember? It's the psychologist thing.
Perhaps. Yeah. So we wentout the other night, came home
like we always do, except thistime we always come home. Well,
(02:34):
I hope, so it's a littlewitch there you go, it's a little
better. But this time you saidto me, you started talking about moving
in together, which I kind offeel like, you know, you just
pushed me into the whole marriage thing, like, slow your role here.
I don't know if I'm ready forthis. Yeah, I mean, you
know you're the one who wanted toget married. So I mean just ask
(02:57):
anyone who listens to the podcast,yeah, right, yeah, or anybody
who knows us. Yeah. No, it was Actually my reaction to it
for myself was very funny because Ido think in the beginning, I think
you were the one that kind ofheld us in separate houses, which I've
said before was I think a phenomenon. They still think it's a great idea,
(03:17):
so much so that I have gottenvery used to it. You've gotten
very comfortable, yeah, with oursituation. Yeah, and I am not
uncomfortable with it by any means.I am very comfortable with it also.
Yeah. But I think I justsee a progression of our relationship, you
know, like it's like as thingshave progressed, but you know it took
(03:40):
us five ish years, yeah,to get to this point. So I'm
thinking maybe another five before you movein together. Well, this is kind
of what happened. You bring upan idea and then I'm like, oh
my gosh, and then get Yeah, we're fighting over as a toilet set
(04:00):
something, the door being closed,the door being closed, I like the
door to my bedroom closed because it'son the first floor, and then it
feels like an oasis, like itfeels like it's my space. I've come
to learn I need my space.I didn't realize this that it's something I
told you. I think so too, But well, I don't mind.
I don't mind you in my space. We've talked about this too, I
(04:21):
think similarly for you, like Ineed space, especially from the kids and
from everything else going on. AndI'm sure I do need some alone time.
I know that kind of now too. But but in that space.
I don't mind you in there,but I don't like kids in there.
Yeah, I just feel like Ineed just something, Yes, and so
it's become very important to me tohave my door closed. Also, it's
(04:43):
on the first floor there's the kitchens, so the smells from the kitchen will
come in there, and then it'sharder to sleep. I just like like
it bites them. So, yes, we have had conversations about shut the
door please. Yes, I've madea mental note please. But other than
that, you know, it is. It's one of these things where I
I do feel like it. Atsome point our kids are getting older,
and you know, we may beable to give them space in a second
(05:10):
house that they could rent, rightlike we're thinking Ronan's getting older, he
may and so I do understand theconcept. And I have always thought the
same thing that we would eventually movein together. I think it's just been
so long, getting so used tothis kind of a system that I worry
about. We have a foundation andyou said this, actually I should I
(05:32):
should quote you in this, butwe have a foundation of our relationship,
and that dramatically shifts when you addcomplexities of living together. Potentially, Yeah,
absolutely, well, I think Iagree. Obviously, I agree with
all of that, and I thinkthis is, you know, it's an
interesting dynamic where, you know,I think we're in an interesting situation.
(05:54):
I think the people that we've talkedto who have been in similar situations second
marriage is you know, blended families, but a lot of those blended families
are blended households, right right,And we have been fairly adamant that we
were not going to blend households.And I think we're you know, in
(06:16):
a position where we are because wehaven't done that. One of the main
reasons is because we haven't done thatand for reasons we've talked about on this
podcast in the past. But soI think, but yeah, I think
it is kind of this mental shiftof thinking, well that you know,
and I think we always kind ofhad it in the back of our mind
like that that doesn't always have tobe the case. It eventually can change
(06:40):
because we live together when we don'thave the children, right right, Like,
I don't think people understand that allthe time that we're together when we
don't have kids, even sometimes whenone of us does and the other one
doesn't, we will, you know, like you'll be here when chosen is
here, or vice versa. Butyou don't have what we don't have to
be right. I think it's Ithink it could be just like the idea
(07:00):
of, you know, Ronan isabout to graduate, and so that kind
of is a you know, Ruby'sin high school, you know, And
I think it's one of those thingsfor me. Maybe maybe it's just my
in the back of my mind,like Okay, Ronan went from being a
freshman to a senior in a blankof an eye. Ruby is a scene.
If Ruby is a freshman, beforewe know it, she's going to
(07:21):
be a senior. You know,Jules is one year behind her. She
is going to be, you know, well on her way to getting out
of high school before we know,you know, and the girls are like
sprinting out school. Yeah, theboys are taking their time. The girls
are like sprinkling, right, andso you know, so then that that
leaves you know, and if you'rethinking about a mental picture, that leaves
(07:43):
Carter, you know, poor kidbringing up the rear Like so, I
mean he in a sense could youknow, and he probably would think it
was great now, But when he'syou know, in high school, he
probably won't think it's as great thathe's here with us by himself. Potentially,
you know, like as we talkedabout, you know, Ronan could
(08:03):
be renting my house right and livingthere and going to school and starting a
career, you know, as ayou know, young twenty year old or
something. Ruby and Jules being offat college right now. To your mom's
point, they always come back,right, could really get rid of them
like they always they always seem tofind their way back, So you know,
(08:24):
we would have to adjust to that. But I think it's just that
idea of listen, man, likeRonan was a freshman just two minutes ago,
now he's a senior. The girlsare in that same They're going to
be on that same trajectory. Soyou feel a little like like pressure,
like so much pressure. But it'salmost like, well, we're not going
(08:45):
to have the need to keep thehousehold separate anymore, or the excuse to
keep we need to keep them separate. You know, it's the kids.
It's best for the kids. SUCsme that we are we've switched roles completely
in this particular is because you know, going back to the signs of everything,
and of course because we've worked onthis, yes, but this is
(09:05):
I mean, I take it back, I've worked on this. You clearly
have regrets. So you know,like I've made giant stuffs forward and you
know my preparing for this moment,and you've just slashed off. This is
soccer. This is like you're justbusy with other stuff. You don't even
think about us anymore. We thinkabout like the process. We've talked about
(09:26):
this before, but this is agreat example of how well it's actually.
I feel like we've switched where Usuallywhat happens is I know where we're going,
so I just jump over the processingpart and I'm like, here's where
we need to be, and Ijust big steps to get there. Then
once we're there, I'm like,oh no, let me process it.
And you usually process along the way. Hold everybody up so you can process,
(09:48):
not over like just in a goodway, not a bad way.
Kind of almost push me to thinkthrough more things, which is I think
stall okay, and yes in asense that that's how it feels to me,
said hold everybody up. That wasand this is how it's felt,
you know, in the past.And then then you're like, okay,
(10:09):
I've worked through all my stuff,and we're getting married and we're living together
forever, and I'm like, oh, hold on one second, great,
now he's now he's here. Notused to that, you know. I
thought I could just keep running usin a direction. And so like I'm
getting hot, I'm like having onYouTube. I'm like, who I don't
(10:31):
know how when you get take myslippers off? Here? Yeah, So
now you've processed this like all theway through. And normally I'm ahead of
people. So this is crazy becauseI'm like, listen, I said,
we get married, nothing would change. I'm like, let's get married,
(10:52):
nothing will change. And I've gottenused to like my mister b G,
my Basio Gangli. I'm in likethe nice routine of things, my emy
g. You know, my motioncenters like nice and stable. You know,
my Frannie can pivot wherever we needto go, which is like everywhere
with four kids and six schedules tokeep. So I'm like, wow,
we just like hit a nice grewthis is nice being nice and gunderbowl.
(11:13):
And then you know, one tripto the bar and you come home and
you're like, we're living together andI'm like, whoa, let me have
another step and you wouldn't get married. Ooh, we wouldn't have this problem.
Yes, I tend to get myselfin these pickles. I'm just not
used to someone catching up with me, and I am now thinking, Okay,
we get on you a lot onthese podcasts. But I've always say
I have a lot to work ontoo. I know you do. And
(11:37):
I feel like this is one ofthose cases where I'm like, Okay,
let me try a new strategy,let me actually process it before we do
it, versus having a big epicmeltdown after. So that's what I feel
like I've been trying to do inthis scenario, and I'm just paying attention
to out how i actually feel,which I'm sure other women who have been
(11:58):
divorced and like find starting to findthemselves have these experiences. Like I think
I've talked to you about this,Like when you can actually feel emotion and
you have a partner that allows that, it's wonderful, but it's weird and
scary and different at the same time. Sure, well, I mean I
think a lot of people who gothrough that process, you know, it
(12:18):
alters your you know, it cannot always, but it can alter your
like emotional process in you know,like you may not be you may not
be in a situation where you're veryhappy, and so you have to you
have to augment yourself and you haveto change how you handle situations. And
then when you get into a differentsituation where you don't have to do that
(12:43):
anymore, it takes a while forthe you know to get back into you.
We've talked about this before, butyou're right. I think like once
you find the right person and situation, it like the evolution of yourself can
be a little unsettling because it's sodifferent and you've probably been stuck in that
(13:03):
one groove for so long. You'vebeen stuck in that one mode, and
now you've gotten out of that modeand now it's evolving. And we talk
about this concept in psychology of likeenlightenment, like finding yourself enlightenment well,
and anybody who knows knows, andI know, I don't know where you're
laughing. It's this process that youknow, I feel like I strive for
(13:26):
and I don't want to say it, I'm enlightened, but I have felt
a lot like I found myself.Like I'm so happy, and I feel
like you've found yourself and you're happy. This sounds like you're trying to talk
me out a movie. No,I just know this is like I found
myself. Why would I want togo lose myself again? But I think
this is the fear, right,and it's not to say that I don't
want to do it. Absolutely verysimilar to my argument from not getting there,
(13:50):
right, That's what I mean.We like to flip the places,
and I so yeah, I meanI have I have worries that you know,
I don't want. I love beingmarried to you. It's my favorite
thing in the world, you know. I love the relationship we have.
I love the way our kids feelabout it. And even though I know
we're talking a few years away,like I know this is going to evolve.
I think it's that like the shoe'sgoing to drop kind of thing,
(14:13):
and you and I have talked aboutit. I don't think we've talked about
in the podcast, but I havehad like I don't want to chance the
shoe, like I don't want totempt fate. Right. Well, I
mean I've had, you know,just to get people context, which some
of you may know, but Ihaven't had the best things happened to me
my life. Sister dies at twentynine. My mom's said cancer twice.
I've lost, you know, onekid, then two kids, you know,
(14:35):
after having twins, you know,and and divorce, moving to like
a lot of those things, right, and so I'm used to like it's
almost like and I've talked to Jewelsabout this too, it's almost like I'm
more comfortable with the bad things happeningthan the good. And we actually talked
about this right before we got met. Well do you remember we had It's
(14:56):
like a comfort area. You're you'refamiliar with how to handle that. You've
been through it so many times,so it's almost like it's almost comfortable in
that you know how to handle thosesituations you've been through it so many times.
They don't they're not as scary toyou as they might be to somebody
where it's happening for the first time. Right, It's almost it's like you
(15:18):
said, it's my normal, right, and your brain gets used to patterns,
So this is my patterns. Soeven to break it in a positive
way is it feels very different.You have to work your way out of
it. And right before our wedding, do you remember our therapy session.
I don't know if he talked aboutthis in the podcast, or I think
we touched on it briefly. Rightbefore we got married. I was having
it. I was like, youknow, I thought you're gonna leave me
(15:41):
at the altar. It was abad I was like, I just don't
know what's wrong. I knew Iwanted to get married. I wasn't worried
about that, but I'm like,what is happening? What is wrong?
And I think even and then wefigured out that I was so happy.
Yeah, I was so happy thatit was very uncomfortable. Right synopsis,
that was the finding of our session, and I walked out like, oh
(16:04):
thank God because I knew what itNow. When I ever I knew what
something is for me, I canthen flair process through if I don't no
matter what it is, good orbad. If I know what it is
for some reason, that allows meto kind of like let some of that
emotion go. So because of that, because we did that therapy session,
I was able to very much enjoyeverything else because I knew and I was
(16:25):
able to let it go. It'slike, oh good, It's not anything
like energy in the world. It'sjust literally my old crap. Coming back
to haunt me. But here,like I'm trying to do that before the
day you moved. Well, Imean that's I mean that's to be determined,
right right, Like it's that's thefunny thing. It's not a work.
We have a year ahead of it. Yeah, you know, we're
(16:47):
not. And you know, tobe honest with you, I think the
idea of it, I think partof the idea that I like so much
about it is that it's this,it's this fantasy of us having our time
together a lot more of it,you know, envisioning a lot more of
it. Yeah, because our schedulehas changed recently and we don't have as
(17:07):
much time together, right, Sothat is that is so that could also
be playing into it. It's like, okay, well three of the four
will be gone, the third one, the fourth one. How how difficult
could be he be? He's bringingup the rear. He probably won't even
want to talk to us. I'mgoing to remind you of this conversation.
So you know, it's like thisthis, you know, like it'll just
(17:30):
be the two of us. Wedo great when it's just two of us,
you know, so why wouldn't itbe bad? But but here's the
thing. When we start talking aboutthings, then our kids get involved,
right, and then we already haveone. It's like tomorrow you just you
just talk about things. I haven'tmentioned this to my children, right,
but communication and how you feel andmodeling these things. We talk about these
things all the time. I havea different style than you do. So
(17:55):
let's there do it. That's whatyour style is, your silent, just
keep my mouth. This is whyI got married Ruby. You're over at
sis. What do you guys talkabout anything? Anything you want to talk
to me about. I'm like,we're all good. Everybody's good. Okay,
perfect, thinking of the briefing beforethe kids come back to my house.
So what did Ruby and you talkingabout exactly? Okay? Yeah,
(18:18):
Well, and I you know howI feel about this. I think,
and I eat, sleep, andbreathe this stuff. So when I'm talking
about modeling things that are happening inyour lives, you know I'm talking about
saying to them, I'm nervous aboutthis, right, I don't know how
I feel about it. I wantto move. I love him, and
I love everybody, and I wantI want to be around everybody. But
our relationship has this foundation of thisway and you and again back to your
(18:45):
point as we were talking about thisearlier, I think paying attention to how
what is at the core of ourrelationship is supportant. So we can move
in together, but we have tobe very cautious of Like you like your
alone time. Yes, so you'vecome to appreciate that also, I do.
In the beginning you were you wereI'm gonna say clingy, but I
don't really mean it that way.I mean, you weren't as comfortable being
(19:08):
by yourself. No, I probablybecause I didn't. Really I've never really
liked being alone alone, Like Istill like taking a kid somewhere or doing
something. I can now go somewhereby myself. It's still not my preference.
I just like to talk to people, like in general, Well you
can do that anyway, Yes,what do you mean I can do that
anymore? Like you can just talkto people around you. I will,
like I will, Yeah, Iwill engage people around me. Now sometimes
(19:32):
if I'm doing about something in myhead, I want to just kind of
go in somewhere and go out.So yeah, I think I've picked up
some of that ability. But yeah, I'm not I'm not big you but
you it's not just like you liketo have a night to yourself, like
you need time to process things inyour own head. Yes, I am
very comfortable, Yes, being alone. Yes, like you'll be for hours
and now like you'll turkey hunt earlyin the morning where you sit by yourself
(19:55):
completely for a very long time.That that bog was, Yes, I
like without texting you. Well,you'll text me, But you're not like
playing games in your or are youNo? Okay, no, actually I'm
just stating there the only unnecessary Okay, I've actually been very successful, to
the point of actually bringing a turkeyhome. Yeah, that's very exciting.
(20:18):
Hey, listen, we don't haveto get it. This is that we're
not trying to listen to turkey podcast. But in the little time that I've
done it, I've had more successthan lots of people who've done it for
a lot. While you haven't doneit in a while. I feel like
it's something that you should. Iknow with the sports it's harder, but
yeah, you have my permit thisyear. Good. Good because it's something
that you like. Yes, Itried to kill a spidery in the shower
(20:41):
yesterday and I felt bad about itbecause I couldn't kill it quick enough,
and it like looked like it wascoming back prolonged. It's agony. Well,
I couldn't like step on it.That freaked me out right, painful,
painless duck, I spider would be. I got lots of water and
I pushed it down as quickly asI could. I didn't have anyone living
with me who could come and getthe spider out, stomp on the spider
(21:03):
and do it, or that's allright. So I wanted to make a
point. No, I just thoughtabout it. I'm I don't want all
six of us to live together.I want two of us to live together,
with a third possibly. I wonderif that's what's making me a little
anxious, is that your concept ofus living together is without them, is
different than we will actually right,Well, no, I understand, So
(21:26):
that's that's I think. Yeah,listen again, I don't want to keep
quoting Linda does shut up, Yeah, shut up, Linda, l But
yeah, I realized that they're goingto be back, and the way our
lives have gone, they will probablybe back and not leave. Once they're
back, Well, there's all thosebreaks. Plus I think they actually like
(21:48):
us. That's that's the point,you know, Like, I feel like,
not that they would be necessarily livingin our house, but I think
that as they get older, Ithink that they will They all seemed at
least at this point. I knowit's early, yes, but at least
I think at this point. Isay, to qualify, all of the
(22:08):
way you feel about the children arehopes that they will come back and talk
to us again. Right, well, I feel like they will stay nearby.
You want them to stay. Iwould like them to. Yeah,
I mean, I think, ofcourse, I'm getting I'm getting older,
hitting them not a milestone but anotheranother year next week. But I think
(22:30):
so, I think, yeah,I think I'm starting to think about the
future of where their lives are goingto take them. Yeah, and yeah,
yeah. Selfishly, I don't wantthem to go too far. It's
okay for you to tell them that, but I don't want them to feel
burdened by that or at one time. I want them to their lives to
take the trajectory that they I wantyou to do what you want, but
(22:52):
just so you know, I alsolike to see you. That's a little
guilty, some guilt going on,I don't think so. I think it's
truth. I think I listen,you'll go, You'll go find them too.
And it feels good that they somebodywould want you around, you know,
in addition to wanting to see you. Well, I mean I think
that they feel like I want themaround all the time, do you think
so? Yeah, you're really goodat keeping emotions inside, so I would
(23:18):
be surprised if it's sarcasm. Soin any case, I uh, it's
gone off a little bit. Ilove you. I want to move in
with you. That's why I calledthe architect and had them come out this
week so that we could figure outhow to extend the space so that you
could actually have. Right, basically, we're trying to take my house put
(23:40):
it on the back so that wecan have three different spaces. Your space,
yes, our space, yes,and like a middle space of entertainment
and kids and things that's our space. Yeah. Well but to your point
again, to like a foundation ofthe relationship, I think we've established with
(24:03):
the kids that they have each individuallytheir own space too. Yes, right,
so I feel like, yes,we need a yours mind. There's
an hours almost and I think thatthat's what you know, that's why this
is a longer process of making surethat everybody feels comfortable and bringing everybody along
slowly. You know something, Ithink that you've taught me a little bit
more just kind of planning ideas andlike doing it together right, and then
(24:23):
so there's fewer of them, we'retrying to kick them out, and then
I'd be like, come down particularthing together. I'm just waiting for the
two roles, and I have aspace to watch our shows. You know,
you can go watch sports with whomeveryou Carter, Ronan probably Ruby will
go between the two right and everybodywill have enough space to be happy.
(24:44):
And then also back to your pointabout wanting them close, whether they're further
or they come back or whatever.You know, I I think we we
like having family like family, andour family is extended to very good friends,
and we want to be able tohave everybody in. And that's a
unique thing for me because I rememberbuying this house thinking this is too big,
like I can't have a bit.I don't want a very big house.
(25:06):
I just I didn't want stuff.I don't want things I want to
be like And now you know,when you're putting down roots again, you
know, maybe that's a little.Maybe that's what I'm reacting to, is
like I I love it, butthere's also a bit of like scariness about
the last time that happened. Youknow, second marriage is highest rates of
divorce, Like, and I'm hopingthat what we're doing, which is talking
(25:29):
a lot about all the different layersof feelings, like I want to move
in, but I'm also nervous andtalking through them all, bringing everybody along,
trying to create a space that mimics, you know, what makes us
comfortable. You know, we couldignore that and just say, you know,
oh yeah, we're just going tolive together, but you know,
we're not going to create another spacefor you or just come take over all
of my space, right, Likethat doesn't that would work well. And
(25:53):
we've been lucky in terms of meansof being able to do this, and
so you know, I think andI hate that this is going to be
quoted, but the idea of likenot rushing when you find a partner that
can match you in in speed,and by speed, I just mean like
speed up processing emotion and of beingable to like appreciate and respect and all
(26:17):
of those things. It's like anequal partnership, you know, it's neat
to have someone be able to teachme other ways that processing that may be
helpful to me, and you know, for me to be able to practice
some of that too. You know, I'm not always leading, and that
is something that's that's very nice.So cheers to that. Ben, Thank
you. I mean, you know, we'll move in together at some point.
I'll keep the clice. Well.Thanks for joining us for this episode
(26:42):
of What's Happening Here. Don't forgetto subscribe to our YouTube page or you
can follow me on Instagram at DoctorSarah l Allen and keV shows up all
out there too. Be sure totell a friend what you liked about this
episode and share it with them.After all, we're all in this together,
just trying to figure out what's happeningin Herehm,
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast for finding the perfect imbalance
of being a parent, a partner, and a person without losing the things
that matter most to you in theprocess. Like you're Sennity, you might
know me as doctor Sarah the BrainGal. I'm a pediatric neuros psychologist and
mom of two who translates brain scienceto everyday life. I see all kids,
really all people like little brains.You probably don't know me. I'm
(00:24):
Kevin, Sarah's partner in crime,Bourbon Afcinado, discusser of all things,
and father of two. We startedthis podcast because we saw a big gap
between research and practice, especially whenyou have a unique family structure like ours,
and we wanted to share what wehave learned and hopefully what we continue
about navigating our lives through the lensof brain science with a big old helping
of reality. Next day, weknow there are lots of families that look
(00:47):
like ours, we're kind of likeour, or maybe look nothing like ours,
which makes finding a single source ofguidance and advice so hard. But
we're going to try to help you. So join us as we try to
figure out what's happening here. Welcometo Wednesday, kav. Hey baby,
it's Thursday. Nobody knows that wedon't always record on Wednesday. It's kind
(01:11):
of like fins instead of winds today. But they're listening to it on winds
of course, right if we areany day after winds, if we get
our act together to post it onwinds slightly delayed. No, we've always
been posting on Wednesday, Okay,just not recording on Wednesdays. Not all
(01:32):
the time. That's true because ourlives have changed a lot. We've gotten
married drastically. Like today, Isay, can we do a podcast where
it hasn't changed it all? Well, it's everything has changed and nothing has
change. Yes, Like today,I said to you, come look at
the closet in the bedroom. Iactually wanted you to look in the closet
in the bedroom. This wasn't someploy. No, but your idea was
(01:53):
better than my seerious to your idea. Speaking of ideas, after cheers,
saying the other day, do youremember what you said to me? Well,
I'm supposed to, and these arequestions that I'm supposed to have answers
to. I think the funny thingis you do actually remember what you said,
(02:13):
may depend give me some contact.Yeah, well, it's true,
I should probably. It's like whensomeone do you want to give something to
tell me? I did kind oflead that there to that. I was
like, why don't you tell mewhat you remember? It's the psychologist thing.
Perhaps. Yeah. So we wentout the other night, came home
like we always do, except thistime we always come home. Well,
(02:34):
I hope, so it's a littlewitch there you go, it's a little
better. But this time you saidto me, you started talking about moving
in together, which I kind offeel like, you know, you just
pushed me into the whole marriage thing, like, slow your role here.
I don't know if I'm ready forthis. Yeah, I mean, you
know you're the one who wanted toget married. So I mean just ask
(02:57):
anyone who listens to the podcast,yeah, right, yeah, or anybody
who knows us. Yeah. No, it was Actually my reaction to it
for myself was very funny because Ido think in the beginning, I think
you were the one that kind ofheld us in separate houses, which I've
said before was I think a phenomenon. They still think it's a great idea,
(03:17):
so much so that I have gottenvery used to it. You've gotten
very comfortable, yeah, with oursituation. Yeah, and I am not
uncomfortable with it by any means.I am very comfortable with it also.
Yeah. But I think I justsee a progression of our relationship, you
know, like it's like as thingshave progressed, but you know it took
(03:40):
us five ish years, yeah,to get to this point. So I'm
thinking maybe another five before you movein together. Well, this is kind
of what happened. You bring upan idea and then I'm like, oh
my gosh, and then get Yeah, we're fighting over as a toilet set
(04:00):
something, the door being closed,the door being closed, I like the
door to my bedroom closed because it'son the first floor, and then it
feels like an oasis, like itfeels like it's my space. I've come
to learn I need my space.I didn't realize this that it's something I
told you. I think so too, But well, I don't mind.
I don't mind you in my space. We've talked about this too, I
(04:21):
think similarly for you, like Ineed space, especially from the kids and
from everything else going on. AndI'm sure I do need some alone time.
I know that kind of now too. But but in that space.
I don't mind you in there,but I don't like kids in there.
Yeah, I just feel like Ineed just something, Yes, and so
it's become very important to me tohave my door closed. Also, it's
(04:43):
on the first floor there's the kitchens, so the smells from the kitchen will
come in there, and then it'sharder to sleep. I just like like
it bites them. So, yes, we have had conversations about shut the
door please. Yes, I've madea mental note please. But other than
that, you know, it is. It's one of these things where I
I do feel like it. Atsome point our kids are getting older,
and you know, we may beable to give them space in a second
(05:10):
house that they could rent, rightlike we're thinking Ronan's getting older, he
may and so I do understand theconcept. And I have always thought the
same thing that we would eventually movein together. I think it's just been
so long, getting so used tothis kind of a system that I worry
about. We have a foundation andyou said this, actually I should I
(05:32):
should quote you in this, butwe have a foundation of our relationship,
and that dramatically shifts when you addcomplexities of living together. Potentially, Yeah,
absolutely, well, I think Iagree. Obviously, I agree with
all of that, and I thinkthis is, you know, it's an
interesting dynamic where, you know,I think we're in an interesting situation.
(05:54):
I think the people that we've talkedto who have been in similar situations second
marriage is you know, blended families, but a lot of those blended families
are blended households, right right,And we have been fairly adamant that we
were not going to blend households.And I think we're you know, in
(06:16):
a position where we are because wehaven't done that. One of the main
reasons is because we haven't done thatand for reasons we've talked about on this
podcast in the past. But soI think, but yeah, I think
it is kind of this mental shiftof thinking, well that you know,
and I think we always kind ofhad it in the back of our mind
like that that doesn't always have tobe the case. It eventually can change
(06:40):
because we live together when we don'thave the children, right right, Like,
I don't think people understand that allthe time that we're together when we
don't have kids, even sometimes whenone of us does and the other one
doesn't, we will, you know, like you'll be here when chosen is
here, or vice versa. Butyou don't have what we don't have to
be right. I think it's Ithink it could be just like the idea
(07:00):
of, you know, Ronan isabout to graduate, and so that kind
of is a you know, Ruby'sin high school, you know, And
I think it's one of those thingsfor me. Maybe maybe it's just my
in the back of my mind,like Okay, Ronan went from being a
freshman to a senior in a blankof an eye. Ruby is a scene.
If Ruby is a freshman, beforewe know it, she's going to
(07:21):
be a senior. You know,Jules is one year behind her. She
is going to be, you know, well on her way to getting out
of high school before we know,you know, and the girls are like
sprinting out school. Yeah, theboys are taking their time. The girls
are like sprinkling, right, andso you know, so then that that
leaves you know, and if you'rethinking about a mental picture, that leaves
(07:43):
Carter, you know, poor kidbringing up the rear Like so, I
mean he in a sense could youknow, and he probably would think it
was great now, But when he'syou know, in high school, he
probably won't think it's as great thathe's here with us by himself. Potentially,
you know, like as we talkedabout, you know, Ronan could
(08:03):
be renting my house right and livingthere and going to school and starting a
career, you know, as ayou know, young twenty year old or
something. Ruby and Jules being offat college right now. To your mom's
point, they always come back,right, could really get rid of them
like they always they always seem tofind their way back, So you know,
(08:24):
we would have to adjust to that. But I think it's just that
idea of listen, man, likeRonan was a freshman just two minutes ago,
now he's a senior. The girlsare in that same They're going to
be on that same trajectory. Soyou feel a little like like pressure,
like so much pressure. But it'salmost like, well, we're not going
(08:45):
to have the need to keep thehousehold separate anymore, or the excuse to
keep we need to keep them separate. You know, it's the kids.
It's best for the kids. SUCsme that we are we've switched roles completely
in this particular is because you know, going back to the signs of everything,
and of course because we've worked onthis, yes, but this is
(09:05):
I mean, I take it back, I've worked on this. You clearly
have regrets. So you know,like I've made giant stuffs forward and you
know my preparing for this moment,and you've just slashed off. This is
soccer. This is like you're justbusy with other stuff. You don't even
think about us anymore. We thinkabout like the process. We've talked about
(09:26):
this before, but this is agreat example of how well it's actually.
I feel like we've switched where Usuallywhat happens is I know where we're going,
so I just jump over the processingpart and I'm like, here's where
we need to be, and Ijust big steps to get there. Then
once we're there, I'm like,oh no, let me process it.
And you usually process along the way. Hold everybody up so you can process,
(09:48):
not over like just in a goodway, not a bad way.
Kind of almost push me to thinkthrough more things, which is I think
stall okay, and yes in asense that that's how it feels to me,
said hold everybody up. That wasand this is how it's felt,
you know, in the past.And then then you're like, okay,
(10:09):
I've worked through all my stuff,and we're getting married and we're living together
forever, and I'm like, oh, hold on one second, great,
now he's now he's here. Notused to that, you know. I
thought I could just keep running usin a direction. And so like I'm
getting hot, I'm like having onYouTube. I'm like, who I don't
(10:31):
know how when you get take myslippers off? Here? Yeah, So
now you've processed this like all theway through. And normally I'm ahead of
people. So this is crazy becauseI'm like, listen, I said,
we get married, nothing would change. I'm like, let's get married,
(10:52):
nothing will change. And I've gottenused to like my mister b G,
my Basio Gangli. I'm in likethe nice routine of things, my emy
g. You know, my motioncenters like nice and stable. You know,
my Frannie can pivot wherever we needto go, which is like everywhere
with four kids and six schedules tokeep. So I'm like, wow,
we just like hit a nice grewthis is nice being nice and gunderbowl.
(11:13):
And then you know, one tripto the bar and you come home and
you're like, we're living together andI'm like, whoa, let me have
another step and you wouldn't get married. Ooh, we wouldn't have this problem.
Yes, I tend to get myselfin these pickles. I'm just not
used to someone catching up with me, and I am now thinking, Okay,
we get on you a lot onthese podcasts. But I've always say
I have a lot to work ontoo. I know you do. And
(11:37):
I feel like this is one ofthose cases where I'm like, Okay,
let me try a new strategy,let me actually process it before we do
it, versus having a big epicmeltdown after. So that's what I feel
like I've been trying to do inthis scenario, and I'm just paying attention
to out how i actually feel,which I'm sure other women who have been
(11:58):
divorced and like find starting to findthemselves have these experiences. Like I think
I've talked to you about this,Like when you can actually feel emotion and
you have a partner that allows that, it's wonderful, but it's weird and
scary and different at the same time. Sure, well, I mean I
think a lot of people who gothrough that process, you know, it
(12:18):
alters your you know, it cannot always, but it can alter your
like emotional process in you know,like you may not be you may not
be in a situation where you're veryhappy, and so you have to you
have to augment yourself and you haveto change how you handle situations. And
then when you get into a differentsituation where you don't have to do that
(12:43):
anymore, it takes a while forthe you know to get back into you.
We've talked about this before, butyou're right. I think like once
you find the right person and situation, it like the evolution of yourself can
be a little unsettling because it's sodifferent and you've probably been stuck in that
(13:03):
one groove for so long. You'vebeen stuck in that one mode, and
now you've gotten out of that modeand now it's evolving. And we talk
about this concept in psychology of likeenlightenment, like finding yourself enlightenment well,
and anybody who knows knows, andI know, I don't know where you're
laughing. It's this process that youknow, I feel like I strive for
(13:26):
and I don't want to say it, I'm enlightened, but I have felt
a lot like I found myself.Like I'm so happy, and I feel
like you've found yourself and you're happy. This sounds like you're trying to talk
me out a movie. No,I just know this is like I found
myself. Why would I want togo lose myself again? But I think
this is the fear, right,and it's not to say that I don't
want to do it. Absolutely verysimilar to my argument from not getting there,
(13:50):
right, That's what I mean.We like to flip the places,
and I so yeah, I meanI have I have worries that you know,
I don't want. I love beingmarried to you. It's my favorite
thing in the world, you know. I love the relationship we have.
I love the way our kids feelabout it. And even though I know
we're talking a few years away,like I know this is going to evolve.
I think it's that like the shoe'sgoing to drop kind of thing,
(14:13):
and you and I have talked aboutit. I don't think we've talked about
in the podcast, but I havehad like I don't want to chance the
shoe, like I don't want totempt fate. Right. Well, I
mean I've had, you know,just to get people context, which some
of you may know, but Ihaven't had the best things happened to me
my life. Sister dies at twentynine. My mom's said cancer twice.
I've lost, you know, onekid, then two kids, you know,
(14:35):
after having twins, you know,and and divorce, moving to like
a lot of those things, right, and so I'm used to like it's
almost like and I've talked to Jewelsabout this too, it's almost like I'm
more comfortable with the bad things happeningthan the good. And we actually talked
about this right before we got met. Well do you remember we had It's
(14:56):
like a comfort area. You're you'refamiliar with how to handle that. You've
been through it so many times,so it's almost like it's almost comfortable in
that you know how to handle thosesituations you've been through it so many times.
They don't they're not as scary toyou as they might be to somebody
where it's happening for the first time. Right, It's almost it's like you
(15:18):
said, it's my normal, right, and your brain gets used to patterns,
So this is my patterns. Soeven to break it in a positive
way is it feels very different.You have to work your way out of
it. And right before our wedding, do you remember our therapy session.
I don't know if he talked aboutthis in the podcast, or I think
we touched on it briefly. Rightbefore we got married. I was having
it. I was like, youknow, I thought you're gonna leave me
(15:41):
at the altar. It was abad I was like, I just don't
know what's wrong. I knew Iwanted to get married. I wasn't worried
about that, but I'm like,what is happening? What is wrong?
And I think even and then wefigured out that I was so happy.
Yeah, I was so happy thatit was very uncomfortable. Right synopsis,
that was the finding of our session, and I walked out like, oh
(16:04):
thank God because I knew what itNow. When I ever I knew what
something is for me, I canthen flair process through if I don't no
matter what it is, good orbad. If I know what it is
for some reason, that allows meto kind of like let some of that
emotion go. So because of that, because we did that therapy session,
I was able to very much enjoyeverything else because I knew and I was
(16:25):
able to let it go. It'slike, oh good, It's not anything
like energy in the world. It'sjust literally my old crap. Coming back
to haunt me. But here,like I'm trying to do that before the
day you moved. Well, Imean that's I mean that's to be determined,
right right, Like it's that's thefunny thing. It's not a work.
We have a year ahead of it. Yeah, you know, we're
(16:47):
not. And you know, tobe honest with you, I think the
idea of it, I think partof the idea that I like so much
about it is that it's this,it's this fantasy of us having our time
together a lot more of it,you know, envisioning a lot more of
it. Yeah, because our schedulehas changed recently and we don't have as
(17:07):
much time together, right, Sothat is that is so that could also
be playing into it. It's like, okay, well three of the four
will be gone, the third one, the fourth one. How how difficult
could be he be? He's bringingup the rear. He probably won't even
want to talk to us. I'mgoing to remind you of this conversation.
So you know, it's like thisthis, you know, like it'll just
(17:30):
be the two of us. Wedo great when it's just two of us,
you know, so why wouldn't itbe bad? But but here's the
thing. When we start talking aboutthings, then our kids get involved,
right, and then we already haveone. It's like tomorrow you just you
just talk about things. I haven'tmentioned this to my children, right,
but communication and how you feel andmodeling these things. We talk about these
things all the time. I havea different style than you do. So
(17:55):
let's there do it. That's whatyour style is, your silent, just
keep my mouth. This is whyI got married Ruby. You're over at
sis. What do you guys talkabout anything? Anything you want to talk
to me about. I'm like,we're all good. Everybody's good. Okay,
perfect, thinking of the briefing beforethe kids come back to my house.
So what did Ruby and you talkingabout exactly? Okay? Yeah,
(18:18):
Well, and I you know howI feel about this. I think,
and I eat, sleep, andbreathe this stuff. So when I'm talking
about modeling things that are happening inyour lives, you know I'm talking about
saying to them, I'm nervous aboutthis, right, I don't know how
I feel about it. I wantto move. I love him, and
I love everybody, and I wantI want to be around everybody. But
our relationship has this foundation of thisway and you and again back to your
(18:45):
point as we were talking about thisearlier, I think paying attention to how
what is at the core of ourrelationship is supportant. So we can move
in together, but we have tobe very cautious of Like you like your
alone time. Yes, so you'vecome to appreciate that also, I do.
In the beginning you were you wereI'm gonna say clingy, but I
don't really mean it that way.I mean, you weren't as comfortable being
(19:08):
by yourself. No, I probablybecause I didn't. Really I've never really
liked being alone alone, Like Istill like taking a kid somewhere or doing
something. I can now go somewhereby myself. It's still not my preference.
I just like to talk to people, like in general, Well you
can do that anyway, Yes,what do you mean I can do that
anymore? Like you can just talkto people around you. I will,
like I will, Yeah, Iwill engage people around me. Now sometimes
(19:32):
if I'm doing about something in myhead, I want to just kind of
go in somewhere and go out.So yeah, I think I've picked up
some of that ability. But yeah, I'm not I'm not big you but
you it's not just like you liketo have a night to yourself, like
you need time to process things inyour own head. Yes, I am
very comfortable, Yes, being alone. Yes, like you'll be for hours
and now like you'll turkey hunt earlyin the morning where you sit by yourself
(19:55):
completely for a very long time.That that bog was, Yes, I
like without texting you. Well,you'll text me, But you're not like
playing games in your or are youNo? Okay, no, actually I'm
just stating there the only unnecessary Okay, I've actually been very successful, to
the point of actually bringing a turkeyhome. Yeah, that's very exciting.
(20:18):
Hey, listen, we don't haveto get it. This is that we're
not trying to listen to turkey podcast. But in the little time that I've
done it, I've had more successthan lots of people who've done it for
a lot. While you haven't doneit in a while. I feel like
it's something that you should. Iknow with the sports it's harder, but
yeah, you have my permit thisyear. Good. Good because it's something
that you like. Yes, Itried to kill a spidery in the shower
(20:41):
yesterday and I felt bad about itbecause I couldn't kill it quick enough,
and it like looked like it wascoming back prolonged. It's agony. Well,
I couldn't like step on it.That freaked me out right, painful,
painless duck, I spider would be. I got lots of water and
I pushed it down as quickly asI could. I didn't have anyone living
with me who could come and getthe spider out, stomp on the spider
(21:03):
and do it, or that's allright. So I wanted to make a
point. No, I just thoughtabout it. I'm I don't want all
six of us to live together.I want two of us to live together,
with a third possibly. I wonderif that's what's making me a little
anxious, is that your concept ofus living together is without them, is
different than we will actually right,Well, no, I understand, So
(21:26):
that's that's I think. Yeah,listen again, I don't want to keep
quoting Linda does shut up, Yeah, shut up, Linda, l But
yeah, I realized that they're goingto be back, and the way our
lives have gone, they will probablybe back and not leave. Once they're
back, Well, there's all thosebreaks. Plus I think they actually like
(21:48):
us. That's that's the point,you know, Like, I feel like,
not that they would be necessarily livingin our house, but I think
that as they get older, Ithink that they will They all seemed at
least at this point. I knowit's early, yes, but at least
I think at this point. Isay, to qualify, all of the
(22:08):
way you feel about the children arehopes that they will come back and talk
to us again. Right, well, I feel like they will stay nearby.
You want them to stay. Iwould like them to. Yeah,
I mean, I think, ofcourse, I'm getting I'm getting older,
hitting them not a milestone but anotheranother year next week. But I think
(22:30):
so, I think, yeah,I think I'm starting to think about the
future of where their lives are goingto take them. Yeah, and yeah,
yeah. Selfishly, I don't wantthem to go too far. It's
okay for you to tell them that, but I don't want them to feel
burdened by that or at one time. I want them to their lives to
take the trajectory that they I wantyou to do what you want, but
(22:52):
just so you know, I alsolike to see you. That's a little
guilty, some guilt going on,I don't think so. I think it's
truth. I think I listen,you'll go, You'll go find them too.
And it feels good that they somebodywould want you around, you know,
in addition to wanting to see you. Well, I mean I think
that they feel like I want themaround all the time, do you think
so? Yeah, you're really goodat keeping emotions inside, so I would
(23:18):
be surprised if it's sarcasm. Soin any case, I uh, it's
gone off a little bit. Ilove you. I want to move in
with you. That's why I calledthe architect and had them come out this
week so that we could figure outhow to extend the space so that you
could actually have. Right, basically, we're trying to take my house put
(23:40):
it on the back so that wecan have three different spaces. Your space,
yes, our space, yes,and like a middle space of entertainment
and kids and things that's our space. Yeah. Well but to your point
again, to like a foundation ofthe relationship, I think we've established with
(24:03):
the kids that they have each individuallytheir own space too. Yes, right,
so I feel like, yes,we need a yours mind. There's
an hours almost and I think thatthat's what you know, that's why this
is a longer process of making surethat everybody feels comfortable and bringing everybody along
slowly. You know something, Ithink that you've taught me a little bit
more just kind of planning ideas andlike doing it together right, and then
(24:23):
so there's fewer of them, we'retrying to kick them out, and then
I'd be like, come down particularthing together. I'm just waiting for the
two roles, and I have aspace to watch our shows. You know,
you can go watch sports with whomeveryou Carter, Ronan probably Ruby will
go between the two right and everybodywill have enough space to be happy.
(24:44):
And then also back to your pointabout wanting them close, whether they're further
or they come back or whatever.You know, I I think we we
like having family like family, andour family is extended to very good friends,
and we want to be able tohave everybody in. And that's a
unique thing for me because I rememberbuying this house thinking this is too big,
like I can't have a bit.I don't want a very big house.
(25:06):
I just I didn't want stuff.I don't want things I want to
be like And now you know,when you're putting down roots again, you
know, maybe that's a little.Maybe that's what I'm reacting to, is
like I I love it, butthere's also a bit of like scariness about
the last time that happened. Youknow, second marriage is highest rates of
divorce, Like, and I'm hopingthat what we're doing, which is talking
(25:29):
a lot about all the different layersof feelings, like I want to move
in, but I'm also nervous andtalking through them all, bringing everybody along,
trying to create a space that mimics, you know, what makes us
comfortable. You know, we couldignore that and just say, you know,
oh yeah, we're just going tolive together, but you know,
we're not going to create another spacefor you or just come take over all
of my space, right, Likethat doesn't that would work well. And
(25:53):
we've been lucky in terms of meansof being able to do this, and
so you know, I think andI hate that this is going to be
quoted, but the idea of likenot rushing when you find a partner that
can match you in in speed,and by speed, I just mean like
speed up processing emotion and of beingable to like appreciate and respect and all
(26:17):
of those things. It's like anequal partnership, you know, it's neat
to have someone be able to teachme other ways that processing that may be
helpful to me, and you know, for me to be able to practice
some of that too. You know, I'm not always leading, and that
is something that's that's very nice.So cheers to that. Ben, Thank
you. I mean, you know, we'll move in together at some point.
I'll keep the clice. Well.Thanks for joining us for this episode
(26:42):
of What's Happening Here. Don't forgetto subscribe to our YouTube page or you
can follow me on Instagram at DoctorSarah l Allen and keV shows up all
out there too. Be sure totell a friend what you liked about this
episode and share it with them.After all, we're all in this together,
just trying to figure out what's happeningin Herehm,
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