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May 3, 2024 35 mins

Chip is back! Kelly gives Chip the low down on all the sex talk he missed the week before on the VE Podcast and the duo answers listener questions about reading sexy novels, asking for what you need/want in life and anal sex. 

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Well, well, well, look with the cat jacked in, I
wish the cat jacked in. I miss my cat. I
oh no, I haven't seen her in a minute. I
remember the time we were recording and she showed up,
showed up for anyone listening.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
First of all, Happy Friday.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
Second of all, there is a rogue cat in my
neighborhood that I'm obsessed with, and I talk about it
a lot on the podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
I used to hate cats.

Speaker 1 (00:24):
I cannot believe I'm this girl now, but I love
this cat so much.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
You should maybe put like cat nip out in your
yard or something. If you're going to attract her. Maybe
she'll go, and then you might end up like literally
a neighborhood cat lady where you've got like.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
I don't want the other ones. I just want this one.
That's what someone told me, go get a cat, and
I'm like, but I don't want every cat. I just
want this cat.

Speaker 3 (00:44):
Maybe you should buy some cat nip so that the
next time she's there you can feed her some.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Oh and she gets used to the tabe so well.

Speaker 4 (00:51):
I mean she gets used to you giving it to her.
Social right.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
I see what you did.

Speaker 3 (00:56):
There, because apparently nip is like crack for cat. I
don't even know great.

Speaker 1 (01:01):
I don't want to getting addicted to me. I think
she got kind of like adopted by someone else in
the neighborhood, because that's what she was trying to get
adopted by me. But I knew who she was, so
I couldn't take her. So anyway, we missed you last week.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Chip. You were not on the podcast with us.

Speaker 4 (01:17):
You were busy.

Speaker 2 (01:18):
I was busy. Well, didn't you have a double episode?

Speaker 1 (01:22):
I did have a double episode, but you were also traveling.
I love that you tried to paint that on put
that on me.

Speaker 4 (01:29):
Okay, well it worked to my advantage.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
It did.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
I did have a really I had a long recording
session with this I always want to just call him
the sex master, but he is a coach and wellness
wellness coach, but it's all about how to master your
sexuality and specifically with men. It's a really great His
name is Jackson high Tower. The company is Natural Jackson.

If you haven't listened to that podcast, he did a
full podcast. We talked about erectile dysfunction, especially in young men.
Did you know that like the percentage for twenty somethings
of men having erectile dysfunction issues is skyrocketing.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
I cannot remember, right, I remember saying it because of orn.

Speaker 4 (02:13):
Yeah, I saw that. I haven't had a chance to listen, but.

Speaker 2 (02:16):
It makes total sense to me. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
Well, and then there's also I don't know if this
is something that I saw on his page or if
it was part of the interview, but also like taking
ed drugs recreationally, and then also sort of calls it
because mentally you start to think, well, I can't get
hard without it, you know, so it's sort of like

a self fulfilling prophecy.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Right, that makes total sense? Deead, Yeah, well there's a
lot you can do. We talked about that in the podcast.
We talked about the effects of porn on your brain.
I just think it's interesting.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
You know.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
I'm such a person that likes to understand the whyse
we always talk about this. You and I are both
really curious people, so I want to understand when people
say don't watch porn, well, why, like, what is it doing?
Why is it hurting our relationships? I mean I had
my own thoughts on that, but obviously it was really
interesting to hear the science behind that, and then we

did also talk about some different ways if you're in
a relationship you find yourself in a rut, or if
you're wanting to really kind of expand your sexual life
in general or your sexual relationships, even the way you're
having sex, if you want to have it in a
more connected way, you want to just learn how.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
To have sex.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
Like we've never even done that really, most of us,
you know, other than watching porn. And so he and
I talked a little bit about what that can look like,
and he gave some resources and stuff. I thought it
was a great conversation to go check that one out.
And then he answered listener questions on Friday.

Speaker 4 (03:44):
How did he become in the What he like is
did he go to school for this? Like? What is it?

Speaker 1 (03:50):
Well, he went to Yale first of all. Okay, so
how was the casual? Yeah, he's definitely smart. I you know,
it's always like so funny when someone's like talking about
where you're from or whatever. And this is not to
knock on law school. I want to LSU so, but
it's a little different than you. I have a degree
in partying for sure, but it's not like LS. She's

easy either. It's a major university, you know. It was
there was a good education, but it's definitely not Yale
or respected in the same way as Yl. So we
were having that conversation, he casually dropped and he went
to Yale, and I was like, oh, okay, but anyway,
he went to Yale for something totally different. And then
I think it was like a process of going to
different coaches and healers of his own, like studies of

his own, because of his own dysfunction in this area.
And that was really the catalyst, was, you know, his
own starting his own journey over. I think it was
fifteen years ago, he said. And so he started training
with like a Tontrica and all these different people, and
he started a supplement line. Four men were like, ed,
there's also an oil. I need to actually post that

on my Instagram for you guys, because he gave us
a discount code. Apparently I was using the wrong kind
of coconut oil. Bad for your badge.

Speaker 4 (05:02):
Yeah, what does what does his oil do? It's just
a lube or is it's a lube.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
Yeah, it's a it's an oil. It's a lube, but
it's all natural ingredients. I don't have it right in
front of me, so I can't read them off to you.
But nothing talks in and it doesn't mess with the
p h balance of our kiddies, as they would say
on Instagram, because you can't say anything. You get shadow
band if you say sex words. So people have daisy words. Yeah,

and usually if I hear anyone talking about sex, they're
talking they called the vagina.

Speaker 4 (05:35):
The kitty, the kitty.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yeah, a lot of cat talk for us today, it's
a lot of cat talk.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
Wow, well you're you know, I really wish that there
it was a little more the story was a little
bit more like salacious. I guess, like I was hoping
you'd have search to share with us, you would I cannot.
I mean, j goodall didn't become a master at apes
but not spending some time in their habitat you know

what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (06:05):
You think I need to get out in the field,
and like, how do you know.

Speaker 4 (06:09):
This guy's a pro? Like he could be all talk.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
I mean, I wonder if at one point, like women,
he was just like, why are all the women I
have sex with telling me I'm the best sex they've
ever had? Like I feel like it's an interesting thing
to be like, this is what I'm gonna do.

Speaker 4 (06:26):
I mean, I guess it's you know, Susan Bratton.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
It's the same as Susan. Yes, he's like the fail Susan. Literally,
if you guys have not listened to Chip and I
talked to Susan Bratton. I also highly recommend her. She's
got a different energy than Jackson. Jackson is like science
guy and very straightforward. Susan is like, oh my god.

Speaker 2 (06:47):
I would do.

Speaker 4 (06:50):
And she calls her kiddie her yonie yoni.

Speaker 1 (06:53):
That's like, yeah, that's another well yonie massage. There's all
sorts of different that is an actual term. But yes,
so I suggest looking at both of them. I think
it's great because a lot of people, I think, were
thinking that Jackson and I were going to talk about
all these like sex tips, because on his Instagram and
his TikTok, that's what he's giving a lot of times.

Because honestly, even he said, like men don't know the
female anatomy, nor do they always care, you know, like
we that's not really necessarily what men are trained to
think of when they think of sex at a young age,
and so it takes a little finessing or maybe kind
of like a hey, dummy, like she's not enjoying that.
And this is about y'all together, it's not just about

you getting off. So that's kind of part of his mission.
And he gives very detailed sex tips on his Instagram,
And so I think people thought that he and I
were just going to sit around and he was gonna
tell me all these tips. And I'm like, Okay, well
don't we want to know, like we need to know
the foundation of one his business to what he teaches. Three,

what's happening in our culture and society, like what's what's
wrong in this scenario, and then also the ways to
fix it the science before we do the fun sex tips.
You know.

Speaker 4 (08:12):
You know, it's funny.

Speaker 3 (08:12):
I'm sitting here thinking like, in some way he's kind
of the ultimate feminist.

Speaker 2 (08:17):
I know, because he's all about and enjoy.

Speaker 3 (08:21):
Yeah, he's educating men to help the women enjoy sex, right,
which I think ultimately makes the man have better sex.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
It's just better all around because.

Speaker 1 (08:30):
It's just reciprocal at that point, and it's like everyone,
you're opening up a new line of communication. You're talking
like we were talking a lot about eye contact, breathing together,
actually doing the things that sex is meant to do
versus just fucking someone's body, you know, And that is
sort of the way that I think a lot of

us had sex depicted to us and we've never known,
Like you're you're kind of left to figure it out,
you know, for yourself, and so you get down the
line in a relationship or in a sexual just your
sexual relationships in general, and you're like, yeah, I'm not happy,
or like Susan said, like I was married for ten
years and I never had an orgasm. Like so then

she went and did her all this research and training
and all the same stuff. So yeah, I think I
don't know. I'm just like, let's talk about this shit.
It is like the number one thing you and I
get questions about. It's the number one thing people want
to talk about whenever we bring up the topic, like
they're the most engaged on that topic. Yet most of

us don't know technically how to do it, or we're
scared to talk about it, you know. So I'm just like,
let's just fucking talk about it. Let's normalize these things.

Speaker 3 (09:39):
What's funny too, because you know, we are taught not
to talk about it. Yet in terms of the animal planet,
we're the only We're like one of.

Speaker 4 (09:48):
Two species that actually have find pleasure.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
In sex, right, So what's the other one? Just out
of curiosity, I.

Speaker 3 (09:56):
Forget what it is, Uh, dolphins maybe I think it
might be. But they the fact that like we know
this about our right, ourselves, and yet we suppress it
is kind of insane. You know, it's not just about
procreation for us. I mean, at our core, that's that's
why it's that is what it's for, right, But you

know the fact that we can enjoy it is crazy.
That it's not something it's something that is repressed and
puritanical and like we can't talk about it.

Speaker 1 (10:29):
Of course, there's so many layers to that conversation too.
I mean we we definitely talk about that a little
bit on the podcast, but again, like jess he and
I in our conversations, we're talking just about the shame
in general around this topic. And that's why it's so uncomfortable,
even though everyone wants to talk about it, you know,

like it's like maybe they would go listen to the
podcast in a sneaky room by themselves, Like we don't
need to be like that these are normal things. And
actually the way that a person like him or Susan
is talking about sex. Sure, everyone's preference is different, and
like Susan talks about maybe some wild things sometimes, but ultimately,
if you really listen to what either one of them

is saying, it is about intimate sex, making sex intimate again,
actually really connecting with humans, not just using each other's
bodies to masturbate, you know, right, which is a massive difference.
And I think it's definitely like some I feel our
culture kind of shifting, like we've gone to such the

opposite extreme where there's so much porn. There's so much
like Instagram people posting crazy shit or naked bodies or whatever,
and all the like if you want to call it
lust if you were in the like religious culture, and
now we're kind of like, wait a second, there's more
to this. Like one, it's for procreation, like you said,

but two, like, how do we actually connect with each
other even if you're not going to be with that
person for the rest of your life, how do you
actually connect?

Speaker 4 (11:58):
Well it's so funny too, because I feel like.

Speaker 3 (12:03):
The religious the way that religion looks at it and
sort of wants to suppress it and kind of drives
the lust for sure, because it drives.

Speaker 4 (12:13):
The porn industry.

Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yeah, it drives a lot of the problems that they're
trying to prevent versus being like, this is a beautiful
thing that causes connection between human beings.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
Yeah, and here's all the science, and here's all the chemicals,
and this is how you do it, and this is
how a woman's body works, and this is how man's
body works, and yeah, it's a part of being a human. Yeah,
we're really scared to talk about it, so right, I'm
just trying to talk about it so you can be more.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
Normal about it.

Speaker 1 (12:51):
With that said, since sex has been the big topic lately.
As you came back, I was like, oh, we need
to do some listener questions. It's been a minute, and
we may the last week of April, which is typically
the last week of the month, is when we do
listener questions, and we had one specific listener that left
us twelve questions.

Speaker 2 (13:10):
So I'm obsessed with her because I love this.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
But basically, the way what she told me was that
her and her girlfriends get together and they have all
these things they talk about and all these questions and
so they all wrote them down and she just actually
voiced all the questions to us. So I'm going to
get through as many as I can today. A lot
of them do have to do with sex, and so
I thought it could be a nice transition since we're

already talking about this.

Speaker 4 (13:36):
All right, anal sex?

Speaker 5 (13:41):
Is it all it is cracked up to be? If
you want to start doing it with your partner and
never have, how do you start?

Speaker 2 (13:51):
How do you prep? Should you even go there? Well,
first of all, I didn't mean to leave with that question.

Speaker 4 (13:58):
I'm like, Wow, she came. It came in.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Hot, straight out the gate, straight out the exit.

Speaker 1 (14:04):
Honestly, Ship, I feel like I'm gonna defer to you
more on this one.

Speaker 2 (14:07):
You probably have more experience here.

Speaker 3 (14:10):
I mean, I think the one major difference between heterosexual
inal sex and gay homosexual anal sex is the prostate
which women don't have, so and it's sort of the pleasure.
It's basically the male clitteris the pleasure center. I feel
like all the women that I know that have partaken

in it like it when it's done correctly and not
just fucking jammed in. You know, okay, and you know
there there is preparation that's necessary. The last thing you
want is to like have an oopsie and it does happen,
You're like you're like playing with the ass.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
So yeah, what do you recommend, like to do an
enema beforehand?

Speaker 4 (14:56):
Yeah, yeah, you can do that.

Speaker 3 (14:59):
I mean obviously the healthier your diet is the better too,
Like you don't want to be someone that's just eating
a ton of durridos and ice cream and just winging it.
You know, like you want to be eating clean because
then you know your bowels are cleaner, so it's easy
a lot easier to clean them out.

Speaker 1 (15:15):
So yeah, See this is where Amal Sex gets a
little bit of a like a HM for me, because
it's like once we're talking, well it's like yeah, it's
like when we're having to mix all the things, like right,
but it's because I have another hole that feels good
to me.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
So right, Yeah, I see what you're saying about the process.

Speaker 3 (15:34):
I have to like, yeah, you kind of have to
like plan ahead for it. If you think that it's
something that you're going to want to do or that
your partner is interested in doing, then it's probably best
to like make sure you're you're cleaned out and see
and you know, don't go have a you know, a
big seafood dinner or something before doing it, because depending

on how quickly your body processes food.

Speaker 4 (15:58):
Cleaning out might not be worth it.

Speaker 3 (16:01):
And then you know it's obviously it's not It's not
a hole that stretches as easily as the vagina does.
So you don't want you don't want someone to just
jam it in because your rectum is a muscle.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
And who are you how do you have this?

Speaker 3 (16:19):
I mean I have I have done some reason. You know,
you don't want to just have something jammed in there.
It's a process that has is you have to take
your time and eventually, because it is a muscle, yeah,
you know, it relaxes and opens up and then it's great.
I think that you know, it's like anything. You can't

say that you don't like something unless you try it.
If you don't like it after you try it, then
don't ever do it again. But if you're curious about it,
I think, and you have a partner that you're willing
to explore with who will listen to you. And if
you know, if it hurts a hey, stop hold on
a second, give it a second, take a deep breath.

There is also a thing called poppers, which which is
it's really popular in the gay world. And I forget
what the chemical compound is, but you can buy it
at sex shops and it's basically VCR cleaner that you
you you sniff.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
It sound so healthy.

Speaker 4 (17:21):
Wow, Yeah, I'm sure.

Speaker 3 (17:24):
Yeah. And it loose will it loosens relaxes your muscles.

Speaker 2 (17:30):
There has to be another way to do that.

Speaker 3 (17:32):
I mean there's probably or something maybe yeah, maybe. I mean,
it's not something you have to do, but if it's
something that you feel like you need, if your partner
has a really big tick, you might want to do
that just for the relaxation. But I mean there's other
things that it does. It kind of makes your head
to go wah wah wah wall too.

Speaker 6 (17:53):
It's like whippets, yeah, kind of like yeah, it's kind
of it's got like a whippe it vibe to it too,
So yeah, I mean, I think it's just about like,
if you're going to try it, try it with somebody
that you trust that will listen to you and as we'll.

Speaker 3 (18:07):
Be willing to take it slowly. And if you don't
like it, then don't do it again.

Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yeah, totally.

Speaker 1 (18:12):
I mean, obviously this came from a female listener, and
I'm assuming the group of women that she said my
group of friends, so I think it was like a
girls club. So I would also say, like, if you're curious,
like you said, I definitely think dabble. I mean, and
also talk to your partner. Jackson and I talked about this, like,
bring up your kinks, especially if you've been in our
long term relationship and you feel comfortable, and like maybe

if you don't, maybe try to ease into those conversations.
But it is, it can be exciting to bring up
your kinks or something that you're curious to try, and
then ask if they're willing. I would say, if you're
interested in anal, another way to ease in would be
to start with a finger, like you don't have to
go straight for the full thing, and definitely use the

right sort of lubrication. Don't remember if you specifically said
that that oil that I was mentioning earlier would be
great for this, but definitely want to make sure that
it's nothing like dry.

Speaker 2 (19:08):
I was just say it.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
I was I was trying to think of something like
way more scientific but yeah, but I do think like
a finger is a nice situation, especially like for women
if a man is going down on them and there's
a finger in that in like the anal region, that
can produce more sensation too. I don't know the reasons why,
I'm not an expert like that, but I definitely know

that and a lot of I hear a lot of
women say the same thing.

Speaker 4 (19:35):
And ladies, you can do the same thing to your maund.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
Oh if yeah, I feel you know.

Speaker 1 (19:39):
It's funny about hetero guys though, like some of them
will kind of like if you start playing with the taint,
which is like you know, taint, the ball's taint ass
in between the two areas, they'll be like that. You
feel their body's tense up a little bit, and in
the second you get cleared, they're.

Speaker 2 (19:55):
Like, oh okay, okay, okay, start to pull away.

Speaker 4 (19:58):
Their body until they like.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
Every time, it's a mental thing for hetero guys because
they're like, well, I'm not gay, so you know whatever,
and it's like this doesn't make you gay, buddy, you
have across.

Speaker 3 (20:09):
It's a female finger, right, You're only gay if it's
a male finger.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
Going on, right, right, All right, anything else on anal chip,
try it, try it anal all right? This one also,
I have to say that this listener is very funny
because they named all of these voicemails something different.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
This one is called Alanis Morissett. Here you go.

Speaker 5 (20:35):
Asking for what you want? How do you find the
confidence to ask for what you want both from your
career and your personal life. Many of us can stand
up for ourselves and ask for what we want in
our career, but we have trouble doing the same at home,
whether it's in the bedroom or in our families. And

how do you figure out a way to navigate that
and bring the energy that maybe you have in the
office to the health that confidence or vice versa.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
This one is so hard for me too. Do you
struggle with asking for what you want to?

Speaker 4 (21:15):

Speaker 3 (21:18):
I think, I think to her to like zoom in
on her question.

Speaker 4 (21:25):
Yeah, be super broad about it.

Speaker 3 (21:26):
I think the difference between asking for what you want
at work and asking for what you want from your
family or you're out of your relationship is that if
work does not give you what you want, you can
go find another job.

Speaker 4 (21:39):
You're like, fuck it, I'll just go get another job.
I'm not happy here.

Speaker 3 (21:42):
It's a lot harder to do with your family, and
if it's a relationship that you don't want to end,
that that seeps into that too. So I think out
of fear of it like scaring your partner away or
them like changing how they feel about you, that makes
it really hard to like be vulnerable sometimes and ask

for what you want.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's so interesting because I struggle so much more at
work than I do at home asking for what I want.
I know, I think it's the same because it probably
like because yeah, if you it's in my job. I mean, yeah,
if you lose a client and you could go get
another one, but yeah, like your reputation is everything you

Basically in Nashville, it's like a lot of it is
word of mouth, and so if you give one client,
then they hear about you from another client, and yeah,
it's hard and it's especially I think it's more of
a woman thing though, right because we're used to being
underpaid or like it's it's definitely harder for me to
step in and say something about like no, I know

I deserve more here, and it it I think is
tied to maybe like a.

Speaker 2 (22:55):
What's the thing where.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
You imposter syndrome thing, right, you know, and like I
think all creatives have this. I've really tried to accept
that that this is not just a me thing, but
I could get like all the things can go right
in my career. I can be successful and I can
have everyone around me telling me like great job, and
I still will sometimes feel like, wait, do I even

deserve to be here? Like it's just that feeling and
your own insecurities can creep in. And I think for
a lot of creatives it's a very similar thing because
we're basically judged on your vision too, you know, like
your creativity. You're not necessarily judged on like plugging in
numbers to something and how fast you can do that.
It's like a very personal experience in a lot of ways,

and so I don't know, it can make you question
yourself in different ways.

Speaker 4 (23:43):

Speaker 2 (23:43):
So one of the things that I do for.

Speaker 1 (23:48):
Just kind of like this is like so ridiculous, but
I have to like call a friend, like if you
have a safe friend and have a pep talk, like
I do the fake talk with the person and they
build me up so much during it, Yeah, so that
when I go in, I'm like all right, all right,
Like it's like it's like before a game when your
coach is in the locker room, like having those moments,
like I really do have to get them. And it's

usually after I get to a place of having some
form of resentment. So like when I realize I'm resentful,
that means that some sort of boundary has been crossed
or I'm not being taken care of in a certain
way that is making the job feel like a reciprocally
good situation for me. And so then I'll be like, Okay,
I'm noticing the resentment. I gotta make a call, get

a pep talk, and then you just got to fucking
put on your big girl painties and do it.

Speaker 4 (24:36):
Yeah, I think too.

Speaker 3 (24:38):
It's like for me, it's often so much easier for
someone else to see the predicament I'm in or the
situation that I'm in and to give me advice that
I just can't see from where I'm sitting, because usually
there's like it's tied up in emotions or anger or
fear or whatever it is, and it's so it makes

it harder to see. So if you have that conversation
with a friend that can help you walk you through it. Yeah,
it can help you make a lot more sense of it,
and then you can find the courage to be like, oh, yeah,
I'm worried for the wrong reasons. M m.

Speaker 1 (25:15):
Well, it's usually a narrative in our head that we're
attached to. It's not even reality, right, And I do
think like with the work thing, it's one thing, like
you said, and then at home it's a totally different thing.
But ultimately it's kind of what we've talked about on
this podcast before, where what is the like risk reward
if you don't say anything and you continue to just

self abandoned self abandoned and not step up asking for
the things that you know you want internally? Are you
going to live a happy and fulfilled life? Like is
it worth it to you to do that? To what
keep the relationship or keep the peace or whatever it is.
I guess you have to just weigh those things.

Speaker 3 (25:55):
Yeah, yeah, I mean there's there's so many what's the
word that I'm looking for? There's so many variables to
all of these things too, that you know, you have
to look at it from so many different sides.

Speaker 4 (26:10):
But I for.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
Me, when I'm with somebody that is more willing to
be vulnerable with me, It makes it easier to be
vulnerable with them and ask for what I want.

Speaker 2 (26:26):
So you're saying, surround yourself with.

Speaker 3 (26:28):
With people that people well, that will communicate with you,
you know, because if someone is not open, they might
if they're not open enough to ask for what they want,
they're probably not going to be super open for you
asking what you want.

Speaker 2 (26:42):
Totally, that's a great point.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yeah, I am finding the older I get, I find
it to be so interesting how bad a communication so
many adults are. I don't think I realized it. How
are we like getting through life? Truly, though, it is
shocking to me sometimes the lack of communication skills that

a lot of people have, and how much it can
even send them into like a panic mode to think
about having a hard conversation. So if that is you,
and that's like when you're asking this question, you're literally
going into a freeze response. Actually, I don't think it's
actually about having the conversation yet.

Speaker 2 (27:22):
It's more about.

Speaker 1 (27:23):
Dealing with you and what's going on with you and
maybe learning some new skills, whether that's be a therapy
or something else. But like, if having one hard conversation
is shutting you down completely. There's something bigger going on
that needs to be addressed there. So maybe the first
things first is like look at your own shit, the why,

the why? Yeah, you know I love.

Speaker 4 (27:46):
The why the why?

Speaker 3 (27:47):
I mean, I love I personally I struggle with tough
conversations and.

Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yeah you do. Yeah, well you want you to have them.
It's like you just put them off and put them
off and put them off.

Speaker 3 (27:58):
Right, and and but the you feel afterwards is fucking
amazing because they often never go the way that you
anticipate them to get, like the way that you've dreamt that,
like they're gonna go horribly awry.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yeah, you make up the worst case scenarios, usually in
your head, and then you have anxiety based on those
worst case scenarios. And in reality, a lot of times
it was way easier. You just had to actually have
the conversation, right, Yeah, and then once it's done, it's
like laying down the way to best. But you've been
carrying around you could go run ten marathons.

Speaker 2 (28:37):
All right. Let me say one more for you.

Speaker 5 (28:39):
I'm reading a lot of smut aka literature. Is that
healthy or could it possibly hurt my real life sexual
relationships by creating a story that can't happen in real life.

Speaker 2 (29:01):
Does that make sense? Makes total sense? Literature? I died,
I can that's amazing TM that put it on a
T show.

Speaker 3 (29:12):
Seriously, Wow, I honestly don't know the answer to that.
But I would think that that is healthier than watching
porn because it's like an internalized sort of thing too,
where it's I mean, look, if it's like fifty shades
of gray kind of insane shit is one thing. But

if it's like romantic where it's like doing something to
you from the inside, I don't know, Like I feel
like it's healthier that way than watching people like just
jackhammer each other on the internet.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
Yeah, I disagree, Okay, I well, because I think that
the porn that you're talking about, like that you would
google and find like videos, is more attractive to a
male mind. I think the words and hearing a fairy
tale romance whatever is girl's porn, right, So it's the

same thing. I think it's exactly the same thing, and
I think you'll get exactly the same results. And I
don't think there's anything like I'm not gonna be like,
don't read a book like that ever, don't ever like
get on the beach and just have fun and read something.

Speaker 2 (30:19):
Light or whatever.

Speaker 1 (30:20):
But I know what she's talking about because I have
another friend who's like this, where it's just like this
constant she gets lost in these books and it's like
when she finishes one, she starts another one and whatever.
And that's fantasy. And so like, if we it's that's fine.
It's good to have like playful fun and fantasies and
all that stuff. But if you're only having that, I
think that's where that becomes the issue, because, like what

the listener was saying in the question, then you get
in real life and it's never going to live up
to that because that isn't real life. That's a fairy tale.
It's a fantasy. But if you're going back to your
real life and then you're disappointed because you're like, oh, well,
in this book, the guy like cooks the dinner and
brought out this one and he like laid out roses
and then he like picked her up and brought her

to the back, and like that is girl porn. Literally,
that is like the things that can get us off
so bad. And so if you're living in that and
then you come home and it's like your husband and
your kids and they're just like everyone's screaming and whatever.

Speaker 2 (31:17):
You just want to go back to the fantasy.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
You can't be in reality, or you don't want to be,
I would imagine. And so then when your husband is
actually trying to make a move later, but it's.

Speaker 4 (31:26):
Like no, rot.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
Away, Yes you're gonna be like, get the fuck off me. Ugh,
like your touch like grosses me out, you know. And
it's just I don't know. I just think it's all
about being aware of how you're using it. And again,
it's the same thing as actual porn. You know, if
it's in moderation, that's up to you whatever. But if

you're overdoing it, it probably is going to have an
impact on the way that you show up or what
you expect from your relationships.

Speaker 2 (31:58):
That's my thought.

Speaker 4 (32:00):
I mean I could buy into that.

Speaker 3 (32:02):
I wonder though, if like if it's a way to
sort of like discover your kinks.

Speaker 4 (32:07):
Though you know, like if you don't, that's what I'm.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
Come a little bit more comfortable with them before sure
exploring them with a partner.

Speaker 1 (32:14):
That's a great point. Yeah, So maybe it's just again
it's like she said, though, I am reading them NonStop,
like literature NonStop, and she called it that, So I'm
imagined me there's something going on, maybe some playtime with
herself or whatever. Again, no judgment, because I don't think
there's anything wrong with masturbating. I think it's just a

it's the same thing that visually stimulates men. We're like
auditory and the story and the man that's coming in
it's going to rescue and like.

Speaker 2 (32:48):
Do all the shit. That is the stuff that turns
us on.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
Right, So I think it's somehow like going back to reality.
But then also, like you're saying, if there are things
that you're learning and you're here and you're like wow,
that really turns me on, go talk to your partner
about it. Like these are like two questions combined basically,
or we can bring two answers together here, because it's like,
how do you have the hard conversation? Well, I was

reading this book and this I heard this part and
it turned me on. It would turn me on so
much if you did that to me or whatever, you know,
like right, actually use that as a tool to connect
with your partner and maybe it wouldn't have a negative impact.
Maybe it could have a really positive one if they
were open to receiving that, right.

Speaker 3 (33:33):
Yeah, I'm just thinking, like I feel like in those
books is where you even discover what your kinks are.
Sometimes Yeah, it's things that you never even thought of
and you're like.

Speaker 2 (33:46):
Oh, think that's a great point.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah yeah, or you see what you're getting turned on
by and you're like, oh, that's interesting because I think
a lot of times for women, we haven't been taught
to explore our bodies or those thoughts in the same
way that it's been so acceptable for men for so long,
and so some of us are late bloomers with what
we would even like or want or what feels good

or how do we enjoy ourselves or have an orgasm
or anything like that. You know, it's it is a
little trickier. So again, no judgment, no, like, no, you
can't do this ever. I don't necessarily feel that way
about porn either, But I do think it's about how
you're using it. Are you using it in place of
true intimacy in your relationship and is it like in

moderation or is it like compulsive and use or can't
stop like.

Speaker 4 (34:35):

Speaker 1 (34:36):
Yeah, are you reading anything else? Are you like taking
a break between books even or is it just this
constant you have to have this fantasy to be able
to get through your day to day. Then that might
be something to look at because it definitely seems like
a way that it would impact your life and your relationships.
It's like tupey down, wah wah, your parade, your glitter,

clitterature parade, literature anyway, that's all the time we have
for questions today. But I love getting the questions from
you guys, so again, keep them coming. You can hit
that on the link in my bio on Instagram. I
am at Velvet's Edge. You can also hit it on
the link of chips bio which is on his Instagram,
which is.

Speaker 4 (35:23):
Chip door sho's h I P D O R S
C H.

Speaker 1 (35:27):
And know, as you guys are going into the weekend
and you're living on the edge, I hope you always
remember too back casual.

Speaker 4 (35:35):
Bye bye
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