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March 1, 2024 36 mins

 Kelly and Chip circle back to wrap up this month of podcasts all about sex, love, dating and relationships. They also answer listener questions from the new VE Voicemail about dating app alternatives and how to get your partner to go to therapy.

 
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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, chip Hi, Oh my god, it's hard.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
That was wild.

Speaker 1 (00:05):
It's actually today is March first that this podcast is
coming out, but we're wrapping up February. I think it's
so weird. I was saying, this is someone the other
day is like, so February, this is a leap yer.
Everyone's freaking out about that, right, like it's like a
big deal. And that means that we have twenty nine
days in February instead of twenty eight. But then how

(00:27):
come like January has thirty one? Who made this calendar?
Is what I want to know? Do you know what
I mean? It doesn't make sense.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
It's wild. Well, you know, because the year is three
hundred and sixty five and a quarter days long, that's
why there's a leap here. Well that just does everything
so mean, I know, I don't know how. I mean,
the fact that someone figured that shit out blows my mind.

Speaker 1 (00:50):
But also did they figure it out or did they
make it up? Do you know what I mean? It's
like daylight savings, Like do we have to have that
or is that just some sort of weird poche we
put on ourselves January?

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Like, I guess the way that the year is is
January is usually like January, so it's like we did,
there is a loop and it is based around revolutions
around the sun. Okay, going around the sun so or yeah,
or the sun going around. I don't know. I'm not
a scientist, but.

Speaker 1 (01:15):
I was about to say, like, I love that you're
acting like an expert on this right now.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
You know what's funny about the leap here. I've got
a coworker who's getting married on that day and he's like,
that way, we only have to celebrate every four.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
Years, but that would get more confusing because you will,
you will inevitably forget the years that you're supposed to remember.
So he's kind of sucking himself.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
If you ask me, that is true. He's really organized.
I have faith in him.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Okay, well, well wishes. We have been talking about dating
and love and relationships and sex because it's obviously February.
It was February, which is considered the month of love.
Another thing we've made.

Speaker 2 (01:52):
Of That's blame Hallmark for that one.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
But we've covered a lot of bases and you and
I on the Edge really focused on the sex piece
of things. So we were going to kind of dive
into that but I do remember you saying you had
a couple updates for us about exploring, which for the
listeners if you're not a regular listener of the Edge
part of this podcast. Every year Chip and I pick

(02:17):
a word as like the theme of our year, and
my word this year is discipline, and Chip's word this
year is explore, and so we kind of pum back
in to those words every now and again. We check
back in and you know, make notes of the things
we are doing. And once you really set an intention
of a word, it's interesting because your life really does

(02:38):
start to mimic those kind of things. So you start
to notice, Okay, here's a moment where I can choose
to lean into my word. Like for me, it could
be like I could choose to be lazy right now,
or I could choose to lean into my word of
twenty twenty four, which is discipline, and so step up
and do the thing that I don't feel like doing,
but I'm being disciplined, so I'm going to do it.
And your word is explore. So you were just telling

(02:58):
me about what you did with your sister, and I'm.

Speaker 2 (03:00):
Like, what, well, before I tell that story, Like, it's
also funny too, because I don't know if you have
a similar experience. I mean, you're you're deeper in the
knowledge of horoscopes. But I've often like this astrology people astrology,
but like specifically for horoscopes, Like when I read a horoscope,
like sometimes they're so like so on the nose that

(03:22):
I can't believe it. But sometimes they're like so broad
that like if you think about it hard enough, you're like, oh, yeah,
that applies. So like sometimes when we're doing these wrap ups,
like I sometimes catch myself being like, well, what fits
into explore? I can't necessarily put a finger on it.
Sometimes if it was something I was intentionally doing as exploring,

(03:44):
or it's like my subconscious being like okay, here's here's
what you asked for, this is what you're going to do.
But okay. So to tell the story, So my sister
turned fifty in February on the eighth, and she had
a party on the seventeenth. Her husband also turned fifty
like four days before her, but she's it's her birthday month,

(04:05):
and but her neighbors threw this great party, and so
I flew home to Virginia for it, and I told
her I was like Hey, it's your it's your fiftieth.
I want to get you something really special, like let
me know if there's something like really nice you want,
you've wanted or needed that you felt like you couldn't afford.
I'm willing to spend money. And she asked for four
Kip More tickets and I was like, Jenny, I we

(04:26):
work with Kid Moore. I can probably get those for yeah,
like let's stream bigger. It's your fifty and I mean
all love to Kip.

Speaker 1 (04:34):
Yeah, not a knock.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I will spend money and so and his team.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
So you should tell him that. That was I know,
I will like flattering thing for a big, big birthday
celebration and month.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
And his team is graciously like taking care of those.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 (04:54):
And then I was like, you know, she was like
what about you know, I was like, do you and
Brian want to go somewhere that's her house, She's like Jamaica,
And I said tell me when, and he came back
and said, I'd rather go to Nashville, you know, later
in the year, and I was My response was I
didn't ask what Brian wanted, you know, like all respect
to Brian, like it was for my sister so right.

(05:16):
It made me. It reminded me of this time we
went I took I won this cruise through work, like
it was like for spending AD a certain amount of
AD dollars. I didn't even know like was an option.
And I took my sister on a crew. It's so weird.
I took my sister on a European cruise and it
was like literally one of the we still talk about
it like all the time, and it was like one

(05:36):
of the best times of my life. So I was like,
I want to take my sister. It's gonna the two
of us are going to go somewhere. We're going to
go on an adventure and explore. So I texted her
and I said, what what's the status of your passport?
And she's like, it expires February of next year. And
I was like, okay, we're good. And I was like,
I need I need a week. Tell me if this
week works for you, and so she approved a week,

(05:57):
and I have decided I'm taking my sister to Paris
for the first time. We're going to be there for
three days and then we're going to train down to
the south of France to visit. This guy named Sebastian
who was the exchange didn't live with my family.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
We've talked about Sebastian on this podcast.

Speaker 2 (06:11):
So he's like our French brother. So yeah, yeah, And
so I flew in and I've like, I got her
like a, I got her a ll bean bag with
her name monogrammed on it, and it I made a
fake airline ticket, and I bought a book of French
phrases and made a card and said this is what
I'm doing. She started shaking and crying. It was pretty amazing.

Speaker 1 (06:35):
That is like the nicest brother gift I think I've
ever heard of.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, and you know it's I've also told you this.
I like splurged and booked first class on the way
there because I want to be able to sleep because
it's an overnight flight and we have to hit the
ground running because we only get three days in Paris, right,
And she's like her friends were like what, and like,
I wouldn't have done it if it weren't such a
good deal. But it was, like a. It was surprise cheap,
which is also weird because we're going to be there

(07:02):
the week before the Olympics start, so you would have
thought that the price.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
Maybe everyone's going yeah, but maybe everyone's waiting for the
next week.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
Yeah maybe maybe.

Speaker 1 (07:11):
Yeah, So so interesting, that's exploring. That's a big time
explorer moment.

Speaker 2 (07:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (07:18):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
Like literally Brother of the Year award goes to tour.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
And it's a little selfish because I wanted to go,
and yeah, half of the money I'm spending is for me.

Speaker 1 (07:27):
And have you been to Paris before?

Speaker 2 (07:29):
I have? Yeah, and I've been to this place in
the south of France too, so but it is it's
like my explorer for this is about like I'm I'm
What excites me the most about it is it's so
much better than buying her a product purse because it
is it's an experience that we will talk about for
the rest of our lives.

Speaker 1 (07:49):
I that is the thing when I get in relationships
and you know, whoever I'm dating at the time is
like a gift giver or whatever. I'm always like, let's go,
let's go somewhere, let's make a trip, Let's have an
experience versus the things. Because you get to a certain
age where it's like you mostly buy the things you want,
you know, or you save up and get them or
whatever it is. So the experience to have with someone

(08:10):
is so much more valuable.

Speaker 2 (08:12):
I agree, because I mean, you can connect on a
deeper level, especially when you're dating. But my sister and
I don't get to spend it. She's a mother of two's,
we live in different states. I'm going to get seven
days of time with her also when she is going
to have to rely on me because I don't speak French. Well,
but like I can get by there. She didn't speak

(08:33):
a word of it.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
You know what is it?

Speaker 1 (08:35):
You know of the national anthem? You know that?

Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yes? And yeah. So it's like it's I mean, it's
it's going to be amazing, Like I get I feel
like the greatest brother in the world. And that's not
me patting myself on the back. It's just like to
face yeah, like giving, giving can be really fun.

Speaker 1 (08:55):
So really, yeah, well that's amazing.

Speaker 2 (08:57):
I explore for the month.

Speaker 1 (08:59):
I love this for you.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
We're going in July July. What July seventeenth through twenty fourth.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
I was about to say, you better not miss my birthday, bitch.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
Oh shit, could you imagine I'm kidding?

Speaker 1 (09:11):
I would let you off the book.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
I'll have to take you to Paris next.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Well, we were also talking before the podcast because it's
actually like kind of ironic we're the ones sitting here
talking about love because both of us are actually now
single again.

Speaker 2 (09:28):
Yeah, the months of love did not work out for
me this.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, I mean, here's the thing about dating as you
get older, And tell me if this resonates for you.
But like, I don't look at my last relationship. I
mean it ended, yes, but I don't look at it
as a waste of time or a failure or anything
like that. In fact, I had so many positive experiences
within that relationship, and ultimately the timing just wasn't right,

(09:54):
and so it just didn't end up working. But I
feel like the experience itself was so different for me
than any other relationship I've ever had because of how
I showed up and that was such a gift to
me to see my own progress and then also what
a relationship could actually be when I'm showing up as

(10:15):
my full, authentic right self, you know, And so like
it doesn't feel like a failure. It just feels like
thank you for that experience, Universe more please, Like I.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
Have so much gratitude for my relationship.

Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, and so because we're saying they ended. I feel
like a lot of people will be like, oh my god,
are you okay? And whatever? And I feel like you
and I both have the same energy about it, which
is that of course there's sadness and there's grief that
comes with like the transition of someone shifting in your life.
But also I think both of us left on good
terms and so hopefully, you know, like you can remain

(10:48):
friends to some degree. And then it's also just like,
but it wasn't for nothing, you.

Speaker 2 (10:53):
Know, it was no And I feel like personally I
grew a lot and so I can take you know,
people say back, don't bring baggage, but like some baggage
has good shit in it, you know, like I get
to bring the good shit into my next relationship, and
you know, for the first time I can. I can

(11:14):
look myself in the mirror and know that I like
I had my own back in the relationship, and that
feels really good. Like I stood up for myself. I
put myself first. And you know, as someone, I am
a people pleaser. I'm a non confrontational person. I know
that about myself, so I often will like hurt myself

(11:36):
to not hurt somebody else, and then I ultimately hurt
the other person a lot more because I'm I'm I'm
a pussy And in this instance, you know, I only
took how much I was willing to take. And and
you know, I will forever be grateful for all the
good things and for him coming into my life and

(11:57):
all of the things. But I also felt like I
got to know myself better, and I you know, it
was what it was, and I'm happy about it. Like
I'm not happy about the breakup. I'm happy about the happy.

Speaker 1 (12:13):
The way that you feel. Yeah, And looking back, I
think we had the same thing. Yeah. So anyway, sending
everyone off with love and life, and we'll keep talking
about love and relationships and sex and dating and all
the things, because it's just a constant evolution. And to me,

(12:35):
the other big piece of the big difference of how
it looks in my life now as from where it
did in the past, was like breakups used to be
so fucking crippling to me because the relationship was my
whole universe, you know, And like there's been a shift
since I feel like it's since I entered my forties.
But it's also just lined up that way based on

(12:56):
the work that I've done on myself, and then I
happen to turn forty and whatever. But like, the relationship
with a piece of my life is a piece of
the pie, but it wasn't everything, and so it does
make walking away a little bit easier because you're not
just like, oh my god, I've completely lost my life
or whatever. I actually did a solo episode just about
breakups and like some of the things that I've learned

(13:17):
about filling that space that you have, like you know,
that empty space that you have after a breakup because
you used to be doing something with your partner or
you used to be talking to them on the phone
or texting all day or whatever, and just like how
to get back to yourself. And I've noticed that this
time around, like that has been such an easier experience
for me, me too, but also because I didn't leave

(13:38):
myself as much, or I just didn't leave myself within
the relationship, so I didn't have to go find myself
again after it was like oh, no, there I am,
And like, how do I get even more back into
like a deeper knowing of me and learning more about
the things I love to do and what I want,
and that relationship taughty that so it was so well
worth it to me.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Funny because I mean, I guess the timing of mine
was was advantageous for me because I had started working
out again, so suddenly I had more time to focus
on myself. And it's just like this past weekend, I
got a new bike. I went riding like I was
like I hadn't been able to use it because I
didn't have a bike clock. I was like, I'm going
to ride to the bike store. I'm an buy a lock,

(14:20):
and on the way home, I'm gonna stop at the gym.
I was like so sporty this weekend, and it's I'm
going to be I'm going to bed earlier, like I'm
taking that time and I'm investing it back into myself
rather than like being like self loathing and sitting around
and just being sad. Yeah, And I think that has
helped with the transition too, because it's I'm giving myself

(14:42):
good energy.

Speaker 1 (14:43):
I love that. So anyway, if you're listening and you're
single or going through a breakup, like we're right there
with you. That doesn't mean you can't talk about love
or dating or sex or relationships. It's going to be
a part of your life at some point. In fact,
we you sent me this article earlier today, we were like,
we have to mention this because it's so funny and random.

(15:04):
But your sex life could actually get in the way
of the apartment you're leasing. In certain cities, tell the
listeners about that article you sent me.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
So I got served this. It was something on Instagram,
but the article is from Vice. And there's I guess
there's landlords in London right now that prohibit things like
music after eleven pretty common. Yeah, false party's pretty common.
But now they're prohibiting loud sex and they check in.

(15:36):
They'll like, ask your neighbors if anyone's hearing you have
loud sex.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
Yeah I didn't see that part. Yeah, yeah, I was
about to say, how do they regulate it?

Speaker 2 (15:46):
And they charge their victim They'll like, they'll charge their victims. Sorry,
they'll charge their tenants. I mean, honestly, they are sort
of victims of privacy invasion. But they'll charge the tenants
for having people over, for like have that's sex.

Speaker 1 (16:01):
That is such a buzzkill in your own place to
not be able to just like let loose you know, yeah,
you know how you are in a hotel, you're like
a little bit concerned. You're like, oh my god, everyone
on the floor is in this experience with me, which
could be good or bad. I guess right.

Speaker 2 (16:20):
The person that got interviewed, her name's Lucy. She's twenty three,
and she said she found it funny at first, and
this is her quote. I thought, how are they going
to believe that? But the landlord does inspections himself, and
he actually mentions it when he visits. She tells vice,
we're all girls, and he starts lecturing it's about the
youth of today being hyper sexual and telling us to
save ourselves for marriage. Oh so it goes beyond just

(16:43):
like that's a disturbance, Like it's a moral thing for him.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
But that is I mean, I guess it's his building.
He can do what he wants. But I wouldn't want
to live there where someone's imposing their views on me.
Like it's one thing to worry about noise, but to
come and lecture me about my sex life and what
I need to be doing or not doing is crossing
a line. Like you can't tell people how to live
their life because they're renting an apartment from you, right, I.

Speaker 2 (17:11):
Mean, I guess if you're very upfront about it and
it's not buried in the lease agreement, Like if you're like,
this is a no sex zone, are you sure you
want to rent it? Like, then the person can have
the choice. But like if it's just a little thing.
First of all, who reads a lease? I know, right, exactly,
don't read a lease until like you're in an argument
with your landlord. You know.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
I feel like this guy like has signs up though,
you know what I mean, Like he's that guy that's like,
no loud music, no sex.

Speaker 2 (17:38):
Well, I think there was like a no fucking sign
on the thing that I saw.

Speaker 1 (17:41):
Oh yeah, God. It's all reminds me of this episode
of Sex in the City, which I feel like I
quote a lot, but it just comes in my brain
because it's like I've seen every episode eight hundred times
and I feel like they're all my friends and we
lived life together. So there's an episode though where Samantha
has loud neighbors or she moves to a new place

(18:02):
and her neighbors end up being these two people who
just have like insane sex all the time and it's
really loud and at first, she's really upset about it,
and then she just switches the narrative and starts like
masturbating with them. Like it's like so they're like screaming
between the walls, you know, to each other. And eventually
she goes over there and knocks on the door and

(18:24):
they open the door and they're like this utterly couple
that she's not at all attractive to. So she leaves.
But she's been having like verbal or vocal or group sex,
dound group sex, yes, before that. So I mean it
is what you make it. I guess the point would
be there.

Speaker 2 (18:41):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah, that's a fun little tidbit. So anyway, if you
guys are single in a couple looking to rent an
apartment in London, make sure you read the fine print.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
Or keep it down. Yeah exactly, But I say read
the fine print.

Speaker 1 (18:57):
I think read the five print's a good one. We
did have a couple lists her voicemails that I thought
were pertinent. Is that the right word?

Speaker 2 (19:05):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Did that work?

Speaker 3 (19:07):
There?

Speaker 1 (19:08):
Okay, I've had a long day, guys. I don't know.
Sometimes you know how I make up words or I
say the wrong ones and it just so happens. There's
a microphone in front of my face. So you're welcome everyone, Okay,
but anyway, I felt like these were in line with
the love and dating topics, and one is one of
my friends, Stacy, So I want to hear your feedbackchip

(19:30):
on once you think about this.

Speaker 3 (19:31):
Okay, Hey, Kelly, it's Stacy. I really liked this question
or this whatever this is, but you're freaking cool. Anyways,
I was just thinking, I made an Instagram real that's
kind of like all the weird things about me and
the cute things, and it's kind of sexy too, and

(19:53):
I just want to post it as like my dating
profile on Instagram and just see where do you universe
takes it? And then I kind of feel weird about it.
So I was just wondering, is that weird? Is that
a cool thing? Should we start this? Should I just
lay low? Should I just get back on the dating apps?
Which makes me want to throw open my mouth? I
don't know.

Speaker 1 (20:13):
So if you have an expert.

Speaker 3 (20:16):
Expert at nervous theory, that'd be cool if you could
ask them. But I would also appreciate your advice too,
because I feel like you are an expert. Anyways, Love
you girl.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
The funniest part was that Stacy texts me and said, uh, wait,
when do you respond or when are you going to
respond to that? Like she thought that I just like
you called me, and I just called She's adorable, the
cutest accent ever. But so basically what she's saying is
she's hated dating apps. Like it's just you know how

(20:51):
they are. They can look. I think we all have
that moment with them, or we kind of ebb and
flow back and forth to liking them or not liking them.
But she was like, I saw had just kind of
put a reel together, and it's got this cute stuff
about me. Some of it's sexy, sort of the things
that you would say about yourself on an app. But
she's like, is it weird if I just post that
on it?

Speaker 2 (21:11):
I fucking love the idea. Okay, this is this is
why I think she should And I understand her hesitation
because it's a really vulnerable.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
Thing to do, and you're putting.

Speaker 2 (21:21):
It out there for your friends and family to see.
Like it's one thing if your friend is also on
a dating app and they still across your thing, but
like generally if it's the same, if it's your girlfriends
aren't gonna find you on bumble because they're looking for
good dude. So it's like your close friends aren't gonna
see those things. So it's really vulnerable to put this
on Instagram and know that, like your friends might share

(21:41):
it with their friends and be like, oh my god. Whatever.
But you know, I think I don't know how old
Stacey is, but she's a water mid Yeah. A lot
of younger people that they're not using dating apps. They
are slightly into dms on Instagram and Snapchat, and that's
how they're meeting people. And I think that this, if

(22:03):
she did some if she, if she has the courage
to put this up, it is going to find people
that feel the same way about dating apps as her,
and it's going to draw them to her Instagram, which
is a real it's a more real slice of her life.
Like obviously all of our instagrams are we're putting our
best foot forward. But sure they're gonna they're going to
see something that's a little bit more three D than

(22:25):
what you are forced to do on a dating appy,
and and you're gonna it's going to reach people who
aren't on dating apps. I think it's a brilliant idea,
and I think it could really work for her and
it could start a trend.

Speaker 1 (22:37):
I actually do me either, And then she said it,
and I thought to myself, we are kind of wasting
this space of social media where there's so much more connectedness,
and like even on the Explore page, things get reposted.
You know, it's just like the chance of seeing someone
seeing it seems bigger, you know what I mean, because

(22:59):
a lot.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
Like type I would be like, this bitch is brave.
I'm yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (23:07):
It's just like a she looks like a badass to me.
She's like, here, I am, world, and is there anyone
out there who feels like they're a good match for me?
Obviously there's a lot of people who won't be. But
it's almost even better to me than the apps in
the way of like it's just the mass audience, like
the chances of it reaching someone else, and it also

(23:27):
does put it in the hands of the universe.

Speaker 2 (23:29):
And you know, she might have a friend from high
school that doesn't know she's single, right, that knows how
fucking cool she is. And that friend might have a
friend who is single that she can be like, oh
my God, my friend is single, she should reach out, right.
I just think there's so many possibilities. All that said,
I haven't seen the reel, so like she might.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
Let us let us approve it.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
Yeah, like we can re edit it if we think
I need some help. But I think it's a great idea.

Speaker 1 (24:02):
The other thing I was just thinking is, so I'm
on Riya, you know, which is like a weird app
for dating that you have to like sign up for
and get accepted to, and you one of the things
that I have always appreciated about Riya, well, one of
the things I hate about Riya is everyone on there
is kind of like you should know who I am,
so they don't write a lot about who they are,

(24:23):
which is annoying. I'm like, let's all get over ourselves
and just describe ourselves a little bit. But it does
link to your Instagram, and so when I want to
go find out more info, just like what you're saying,
like you do see more of kind of what people
are about. You kind of can get more of their energy,
even like if they're who they're posting with things like that,

(24:45):
it just tells you a little bit more about the person,
even though it is a highlight reel. Like we say,
it's just way more in depth than you could get
in a dating app profile. So anyway, I'm just like, well,
let's just skip the middleman here and go straight to
a storrely.

Speaker 2 (24:58):
Because you can see if they're like, if they travel
a lot, if they're adventurous, if they like interesting food,
who they follow so like thet they're aesthetic.

Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah that does matter to me though.

Speaker 2 (25:10):
If they're good at editing reels. I mean right, I
love the idea, Stacey, I say go for it.

Speaker 1 (25:17):
Yeah, so anyway, we approve, and if anyone else out
there is like feeling a little bit over the apps,
I kind of support this. Let's start a movement. Stacy
might have just.

Speaker 2 (25:26):
Started to trans the idea.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
Yeah. Okay, so Stacey, we we say yet.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
I guess so we can share it.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Ooh, I love this. Are we going to start trying
to become a dating appilating app? We're so busy though,
we're fitness influencers.

Speaker 2 (25:39):
We got like so much, We're going to do so
much money coming our way.

Speaker 1 (25:45):
We better with your tributes booked. Okay, this email, I
mean sorry, this voicemail is a little more serious, but
I also thought this was hurting it to the topic today.

Speaker 4 (26:04):
Hi, Kelly and the ve fam. I want to know
a handful of tips as to how to encourage a
man who is resistant to therapy to get into therapy.
And I know that's a really hard one to tee
up for men, especially those who kind of need it,
and he really does because he's got to sort through
some really heavy things from his past and most recent history.

(26:25):
So any help that you can send my way would
be great. Thank you. I love the podcast.

Speaker 1 (26:33):
Do you want to go first or do you want
me to go?

Speaker 3 (26:35):
Well?

Speaker 2 (26:36):
It was funny because I don't know if my planned
response after hearing it is as appropriate as I thought,
but I would withhold sex.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
Okay, so this is the real healthy.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
Yeah, that's that was me joking.

Speaker 1 (26:52):
You actually were gonna say cut off the blow jobs. Specifically,
what you were going to say, that's how to do
what you want him to do? Okay, good time.

Speaker 2 (27:02):
I think you have to lay it out how important
it is for you and the relationship, and you also
have to be willing. I'm assuming that these two people
are in a relationship because well yeah, and I think
you also have to be willing to let it end

(27:25):
the relationship if he isn't willing to do the work
that he needs to do, because it does sound like,
I mean, her voice sounded like it was coming from
a really caring place, Like it's she sounded really sensitive,
and you like, enabling somebody to not do the work
that they need to do to care for themselves, it's

(27:47):
not healthy, it's not healthy for a relationship, and eventually
we'll lead to a blow up anyway. So I think
it's just like you have to like just really reinforce
how important it is for you for him and the relationship,
and maybe you know, offer to do some couples therapy

(28:07):
just to like and say, like, if you don't feel
like you have a problem in your relationship that you
need to speak of, it can be like, let's do
some therapy together so you can sort of like get
an understanding of what it feels like. Because I think
it is a really daunting thing, particularly for men to
like walk into those situations if they haven't lived a

(28:29):
vulnerable life and totally yeah communicative before, because guys tend
to be less emotional and great or in touch with
their emotions. So maybe you can there can be a
little handholding where you find a therapist that you could
both go to.

Speaker 1 (28:42):
Yeah, similarly to what you just said, I talked to
I call him Coach Ryan, And if you listen to
that podcast you heard like that's his Instagram handle, but
I refer to him, you know, as coach Ryan to
all my friends. Now it's like a part of our conversation.
But he is a dating coach that talks about a
lot about attachment styles and healing your attachment wounds. And

(29:04):
so he came on the podcast and he was specifically
kind of talking to us about avoidant attachment because I've
had a lot of people on that talk about anxious attachment,
and it was requested to have someone talk about avoidance.
But his big thing for someone in a partner partnership
with a person that would be maybe have some avoidant tendencies,
ie not want to go to therapy, also avoid doing

(29:27):
any sort of self reflection, was that you really do
have to have kind of a conditional sort of relationship
that's full of boundaries, because if their behaviors are affecting
the relationship in a negative way, like what you're saying,
it can't really be this unconditional like loving supportive thing,
like we would want a relationship to be, Like, you

(29:49):
really do have to kind of set your boundaries if
it's deeply impacting you. The other thing I was going
to say, though, is like, as much as we want
to and trust me, I have spent more year and
time that I would I would care to share with
me and money and think like all the like encouragement
you could ever want in the world. Trying to get

(30:10):
partners to go to therapy to save relationships, and it
just doesn't work. We can't make anyone else do something
that is like their work to do, and so as
painful as that can be, a lot of times, detachment
is your biggest option or your best option, because you know,
I think you can set boundaries and I think that
can be a part of detachment as well. But you

(30:33):
can't really force someone to go do work they don't
want to do. So all you can do is take
care of your side of the street. So set the boundaries,
maybe even do your own work, like your own therapy,
because sometimes the healthier you're getting and the more you're
focusing on your own growth and like progress, and the
less you're focusing on your partner, it is more encouraging

(30:55):
to them to then go get what you what you have,
Like if they're seeing you grow and you get happier
and you have less anxiety, maybe they might be like, huh,
I kind of want what she has, Versus if you're
berating them all the time, like you really need to
go fix this because our relationship isn't going to survive
Otherwise that's not going to make anyone want to go

(31:17):
do it, you know what I mean? So I think
if you kind of try to take the fear out
of it, obviously take care of your own needs and
like yourself and the relationship. If it's abusive, you have
to get out. But like, if there are ways to
set boundaries so that you're safe and you're still able
to function in your life and even show up for
your part of the relationship, I think, Yeah, focusing back

(31:40):
on yourself always seems to be what I'm told, At
least it's not what I want to do, right. I
feel like I want to map out everyone's recovery plan
but all the time, but that's my work to.

Speaker 2 (31:50):
Do so well. Also a benefit of doing the therapy
yourself is you get a non judgmental party that you
can share private things with and they can help you
work through the things that you might need to say
to him to like really get to.

Speaker 1 (32:07):
Navigate the boundaries even.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
Yeah, because obviously she's not our voicemail system is not
the place for her to like be like this, he
does this or this happened to him, and he's to
work through this. Like, so we don't, we can't. We're
sort of giving this advice on of all of the details.
But seeing a therapist, you know, it's confidential and they
can really help you sort of navigate that with all

(32:31):
the information.

Speaker 1 (32:33):
Yeah, you know what's so interesting. There's this other guy
on Instagram I follow and his name is your Diagnosis,
Your Diagnoses or something. Do you follow him?

Speaker 4 (32:41):
No?

Speaker 1 (32:42):
Oh, he's so good. But he he's a therapist. And
he also says, the thing about adult love is not unconditional,
Like that's some fairy tale that we have created based
on Disney movies and things like that. But in an
adult relationship, if you're not showing up in a healthy
way or showing up for the relationship in general, doing

(33:06):
you know, your own work and your own growth work, Like,
there are conditions, and so if it's not working, like
ultimately you may have to step out of the relationship too,
But I do feel like you can't really just like
force someone to do things and go, Oh, but we
just love each other, so you know, I'm gonna stay
and I'm just gonna keep praying that he goes or whatever,

(33:28):
sacrificing your own needs like what you said at the beginning,
like adult love is conditional. As unromantic as that sounds,
that is the truth. And it's each of our responsibility
to show up for the relationship in general and as
our best selves when we can, right.

Speaker 2 (33:43):
Yeah, I mean it's the word partner, you know. It
says it all like it's a partnership, like you have
to show up.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
So yeah, well those are the two voice was fun,
isn't it you? Yeah, And I know for a lot
of people it's like nerve wracking because you obviously are
saying your problems out loud, but nobody knows your voice, like,
and we're not going to say your names, so we'll
keep it all anonymous. I hope you guys keep them coming.

(34:12):
I really enjoy them, especially for my personal like the
solo episodes I'm doing. It is so helpful to have
a topic or a question to answer that you guys
really want to know, but also just like what you're
going through at the same time or at the time,
because a lot of times it's Chip and I a
line obviously, So yeah, we just love to know all
of it. Keep them coming. You can find that in

(34:34):
the link in my bio on Instagram. It's at Velvet's
Edge and Chip, did you end up putting it in
your bio yet?

Speaker 2 (34:41):
Yeah, okay, I've got a I think there's like a
link tree because it's also got my Amazon wish list
in there.

Speaker 1 (34:47):
Obviously, So you guys can go buy Chip a gift
and also listen to the voicemail I mean, leave us
a voicemail in the link in his bio as well.
So I'm at Velvet's Edge, Chip, what is your instagra?

Speaker 2 (35:00):
I'm at Chip Doors. It's H I P D O
R S C H.

Speaker 1 (35:04):
And if you're old school and you still like to
send emails or you know, snail mail or whatever anyone
wants to call it, you can also email us at
the edge at velvet edge dot com. We also answer
that as well. It's just more fun to be able
to like record, I mean to play the voicemail back
and answer it, you know, because I remember me trying
to read those long emails.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
Well that's what I was. Well. Also to the problem
with those is it loses the tone that you can
tone that you can hear in you know, people's voices.
So yeah, I really like this one.

Speaker 1 (35:39):
Keep the voicemail coming, you guys. Hit it at the
link in my bio on Instagram. It's at Velvet Edge,
chip is at chip Doors. Emphasis on the piece. That's
what you get.

Speaker 3 (35:52):
All right.

Speaker 1 (35:52):
Well that that concludes the February wrap up. I gotta
go catch a flight. So all right, as you go
into the weekend and you're living on the edge, I
hope you always remember too casual.

Speaker 3 (36:06):
Bye bye

Speaker 1 (36:13):
M hm.
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