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April 18, 2024 21 mins

Kelly answers a listener question about going through a mid life crisis and gives tips that have helped her through crisis moments in her life. She also touches on some personal experiences that have changed the way she looks at life and death recently. 

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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. What's up you, guys.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
It's Kelly and this is a Taker Toss episode if
you are new to the podcast or new to take
Her Toss. Basically, take er Toss is a time where
I come on the podcast in a solo episode and
I either answer a listener question from our voicemail or
talk about something that has been going on in my
life that I think you guys might relate to or

(00:30):
could be a connecting piece for all of us, something
that we're all going through at the same time. And
this one actually happens to be a little bit of both.
So I'm going to play the voicemail for you. It
is about midlife crisis, but if you are not midlife,
this can also work for any sort of moment of
breakdown slash crisis, slash transition, slash later life, early life,

(00:57):
all the things. Here's a voicemail.

Speaker 3 (00:59):
I'm in my mid forties, I'm successful in my career,
I'm able to provide a certain standard of living for
my family, and I want to fucking blow it all up.
I feel stuck. I feel like we are in the
middle and nothing is exceptional, and I'm dragging myself out

(01:19):
of bed every day to go to a job that's
not feeding my heart or soul, to create experiences for
my children and my partner that we hope are creating memories,
but I'm not really even present for because I'm so

(01:39):
over it all. It makes me question whether we should
have lived this long or why we have to work
for the next twenty years just to be miserable and
stuck in the middle. And the midlife crisis thing feels very,
very real, and it makes me have empathy for the
people decide to blow it all up or get a divorce,

(02:03):
or buy a sports car or take pills.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
All right, So, as I said, I think this is
such a relatable topic, and again, if you aren't in
mid life, I think for me specifically, a lot of
my moments of crisis have happened in my thirties, so
that's not even quite midlife yet. But I do know
that in listening to this, the main thing that came
to mind was something I learned in the last breakdown

(02:29):
that I had and I talked about that actually a
couple weeks ago or no, that was last week on
the podcast and the pause and the things that I
learned from just stopping for a second. So first things first,
I want to say, I don't think that your life
is over, that you have to go blow up your life.
I would say maybe try some of these things first,
And mainly, the biggest suggestion that I can give in

(02:52):
this moment is to reconnect with self. And I know
that is so frustrating. Actually, I think all the tips
I'm going to give you today are going to be
really fucking frustrating if you're currently going through a crisis,
because when you're in the crisis, you want to act
out right, Like we all want to act impulsively and
we want to scratch that itch and we want to
feel better immediately. But what I would say, if you can,

(03:14):
and if you're listening to this podcast and maybe you're
just like I want to blow up my life, but
I know somewhere inside that's probably not the right thing
to do and I'll regret it later, try a couple
of these things, and mostly try to take a beat
for just a second to figure out you, because that's
what's missing here to me. You know, I think that

(03:35):
we all have been exposed to a lot of programming,
and this is really no one's fault. It's kind of
just the way that our world has been set up previously.
But I know, for me in my late thirties, one
of the biggest pressures that I felt was the time
clock of ticking, like ticking away with me having kids.

(03:57):
And it's like, you go to the fucking guano at
thirty five and they're like, well, are you thinking about kids,
because you're gonna have a geriatric pregnancy at this point,
and it feels very doomsday, right, And so I was
at this place in my life where I wasn't even
in a relationship at that moment. I was working insane
hours and was very career focused. But I didn't want

(04:17):
the option to be taken away because what if I
looked back and later thought, well, shit, I do want kids,
even though in that moment I wasn't feeling like that
was the right thing for me. And so I started
taking the steps. I think that's the very responsible thing
to do. I always encourage women to go check out
your fertility, do the egg freezing thing if that's what

(04:38):
you feel led to do, And that's what I was
doing to cover my basis, but I really never checked
in with myself on what I actually wanted for my
life or what I wanted for my life at that point,
and what I was actually operating on was what I
thought I should do to have a successful life based
on what I didn't really even and know had been

(05:01):
programmed into me, but just it had been based on
the world that I lived in and sought, you know,
growing up, and the schools that I went to, the churches,
all the things, and it's like, oh, right, they map
it out for you, right, they give you this guide book.
And let's be honest, as adults, we are all literally
flying by the seat of our pants at all times.
No one knows what the fuck they're doing. So if

(05:23):
someone's going to give you a guidebook, it seems like
the right thing to do, to follow it. It feels
like the safe thing to do. But what if that's
not really what your soul is here to do. That's
where the problem comes in. So I think it's common
that this happens in mid life because we build this
life that we think should make us happy. Then we
get all the things that we think we should want,

(05:43):
and they work out and we have them and it's like,
and this is it, that's it. But what's missing here
is your relationship with you. So let's get to that.
Really getting to know yourself, I think is kind of
the most important thing here. And I think for a
lot of people who have kids, especially especially the young ones,

(06:04):
or if you're coming out of that stage finally, like
you really haven't had the option to spend a lot
of time with yourself because it's busy, right, it's demanding.
You have to focus. You're trying to keep other humans alive, Like,
that's a huge responsibility. So these tips that I might
give you in that moment might seem frustrating, But if
you're feeling unsatisfied or antsy or like you want to

(06:27):
blow it all up, maybe it's time to actually pay
attention to what the feelings that you're feeling are trying
to tell you. So one of the main ways that
I understand start understanding my feelings is to write them down.
I know, I said it. I just told you to
fucking journal. I know I want to punch me too.

(06:50):
But the thing about writing stuff down is, well, first
of all, let's talk about how you do it.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
For me.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
I have to go in a separate room from anyone
else the door. It has to be isolated or I'm
not going to be able to get to my truth.
I also have to pull up the notes app on
my computer and know that it's a note that I
can make private, like I can lock the note. It
has to have a passcode, because I don't want anyone
else to be able to read those thoughts, first of all,

(07:19):
because it's just a verbal vomit. But second of all,
they're not all true. They're just feelings, and feelings aren't facts,
as anyone who's gone to therapy has ever learned so,
but it is important to get them out of your body.
So go in the private space, open up your notes app,
make it a private note, set a passcode, and then
just start to write. Don't filter yourself. Don't go back

(07:42):
and delete things because you're embarrassed that you saw them
on paper, or you're like, oh, I shouldn't say that.
Say it all. Get it out of your body. It's
so important to just purge, like I really feel that.
It's like a physical release of those emotions from your body.
Maybe it'll make you cry. That's fucking great. If it
makes you cry, that's a bigger release, but maybe it'll

(08:07):
also bring you to you and to your truth. And
when I'm writing and I'm just like letting myself say
all the things I have been keeping inside. First of all,
I can see my truth, and then second of all,
I can see all the untruths. Like when the feelings
are swirling in my head, I can get so lost
in them and they can seem so true, Like I

(08:28):
can be making up stories about why someone else is
doing what they're doing, and then I start writing it
on paper and I look at it and I reread
it when I get to that point and I think,
to myself, that is literally not reality. That is such
a made up story about what this situation is, and
it's such a projection, usually of my own fear or

(08:51):
you know, worries from past situations or whatever, and it's
not actually what's happening in the moment. But you won't
know that until you can actually see it written down.
So you got to write it down. You've got to
have no filter, and then go back and reread it
with a clear lens once you've gotten through the purging,
once you've cried or whatever. Maybe you don't do that,

(09:12):
but if if you did. Whatever those big emotions are,
when you get to a calmer place, go back and
read it and see what feels true, and then see
what feels not true. And then after you read I
guess The second tip I would say is really getting
to a place of peace with life is always going
to be changing. So except that things may need to change,

(09:36):
I think the older we get, the more we take on,
the more responsibilities we have, the more bills we have
to pay. And it is really easy to feel stuck
in a life that you don't even recognize anymore. But
you're never stuck. And it is true what they say
that life is this constant evolution. The only thing constant

(09:56):
in life is change. So in oh, there's the other quote,
it's if you're not growing, you're dying, right, And so
like the thought of even that you should wake up
every day and just be happy with the way things
worked five years ago, you know, like that is just
not realistic because you're probably a different person. So accepting

(10:20):
that things may need to change, or you know, accepting
your own feelings about certain things that maybe what was
working for you even a year ago does it work anymore?
And you're not happy it's okay, give yourself the grace,
let yourself off the hook, and know that if you're
feeling those feelings, they're here for a reason. It's just
your higher self, the universe, God, your higher power whatever

(10:43):
you call it or identify with speaking to you and
saying probably trying to nudge you in a direction of like, okay,
next up, Now where are we going to go after this?
So I just kind of piggybacked into the next one
when I said the next step. But one thing my
parents have really taught me is that life really isn't

(11:05):
black and white like I want it to be. And
I've really fought this one because things seem to feel
safer to me if I can make them one or
the other. But the reality is most situations, most people,
most circumstances, they really do exist in the gray. There's
the and, but there's you know, the the both can

(11:28):
be true at the same time statements, and if you
try to make it black and white, it is never
going to work out. So with that, there's not this
big bold step that you could take to immediately feel better.
I know it feels that way when you're in a crisis,
like when I was in my crisis. I thought a
part of mine was during COVID, so I was having

(11:50):
all these jobs kind of like fall away, and I thought,
oh my god, well if I just figure out what
the new business is going to be, because I wasn't
sure if my other ones were going to come back,
then I'll feel better. But that was so overwhelming, and
that was such a big undertaking that I couldn't do it.
I couldn't even function to think about it, especially when
I was in a crisis mode, like you can't see

(12:11):
clearly to save your life. So what I learned was
taking the next right step and kind of existing in
the gray, like learning to get uncomfortable in that middle
ground of between where I was and where I'm going
is the best solution for me when I can look
at Okay, in this moment, I'm feeling I don't know

(12:34):
that it, or I'm feeling antsy, or I'm feeling like
i want to pick a fight with my partner for
no reason, Like what is the actual next right step
that you can take? First of all, maybe this is
something you learned when you wrote it all down, Like
I'm feeling angry because my boundaries were crossed, So like
take the next right step. There set a different boundary.

(12:56):
I'm feeling really irritable with my kids because I'm really
fucking tired. I'm feeling abandoned by my husband and like
he sucks, and I want to go have an affair
because I'm really lonely, and maybe taking a step to
reconnect with your husband, or have some time away from
the kids, even focus on a hobby instead of the

(13:18):
job you don't like to do eight hours a day
or something like that. You know what I'm saying. Just
taking these next steps that ends up building. If you
keep taking next right steps, it ends up building into
the big step. So the solution might not be very
obvious to you in the moment, but just take the
next right step, all right. I already kind of touched
on this one at the beginning of about the importance

(13:40):
of developing a relationship with yourself. And honestly, if you
had told me that a couple years ago, I might
have rolled my eyes or something like, well, I know myself,
but do you like? Do you actually? And part of
the reason that I would even just keep harping on
this is because it's half of the reason that I

(14:00):
do the podcast that I do that I have the
guest one that I have because I just feel like
so many of us are wondering around this world clueless,
Like we're just clueless about what to do, how to
be an adult, who we are, where to go to
find out, and so we just start chasing. We chase

(14:22):
the things. We chase, the person we chase, the relationship,
the job, the success, the money, all of the things
that we think should make us happy. And in the meantime,
we're giving all of our power away to all of
these things outside of us, and we're missing the whole
point of turning it backwards and going in and really

(14:44):
like asking yourself the questions that I said to ask
when you're right, like why is this happening? Who the
fuck am I? Why am I wired this way? Like
I've told you guys, I did not want to be
a sensitive human. It has been something I've tried to
fight my whole life. Like you feel like too much,
you feel overwhelmed with your own feelings. I feel so

(15:05):
overwhelmed still to this day. I'm having to work on
learning how to not take on other people's stuff. And
I just was so focused on doing what I saw
other people do like the girl Boss vibe or trying
to fit myself into that place because I thought, well,
if I do that, then I'll be successful and happy

(15:26):
because that's what's working, right, And that was the model
that I was looking at, and I don't know that
just wasn't because I didn't know who I was and
I was trying to or I was trying to fight
who I actually am. It just ended me up in
a place of doing things that weren't in alignment. And
that's always going to blow up. It's inevitable. Either you'll

(15:48):
blow it up or something will blow it up, but
it won't last because that's not how the universe works. Like,
if you get off path, it's gonna bring you back
to the right direction or the right place for you.
And so if you don't know yourself, it's very likely
that you'll get off track. And maybe that's what's happened now.
Maybe that's where the crisis is coming from. Is things

(16:12):
worked for you for a while, but you need more
now or you need different, and that is completely okay
and normal and good. Actually, we are supposed to grow,
we are supposed to evolve. We're not supposed to say
the same. So maybe this is actually an opportunity if
you haven't done anyagram or human design or astrology or numerology,

(16:35):
these are such good opportunities to start diving into modalities
that can tell you about yourself. Like that might not
sound that helpful, but trust me when I say getting
to know the deeper stuff within you, it's life changing
and it really can help you build the life that
you want, the life that you truly feel peaceful in,

(16:59):
and the life that can ebb and flow and change
and grow and evolve and continue on happily. And the
last thing is the thing that I mentioned at the
beginning of the podcast, like this is something I've actually
just been experiencing in my life and something that has

(17:20):
just come up recently a couple different ways. But I
kind of think a midlife crisis happens or will happen,
partially because we're faced with our inevitable reminder that we're
no different from any other human that's Grace's planet, and
we only have a certain amount of time here, like
we will to one day die.

Speaker 3 (17:41):
Period.

Speaker 2 (17:41):
It's a really weird thought. And like when you're in
your twenties, it feels so far away. Then you get
to your forties, and like our listener said in the voicemail,
you're going through all the motions and you're miserable, and
you're like, wait, this is it, Like I'm going to
be doing this for the rest of my life, Like
it was supposed to be so much more exciting and
happy and fulfilling in all the things. And when you're
faced with that, it kind of changes everything. And when

(18:06):
you are in midlife, you are on the latter half
of your life probably, so unless they come up within
the next couple years some way to keep us living forever,
which would be really weird, and I hope they don't,
but yeah, I think it's a truth that we all
have to face at some point. And the story I
was going to tell you guys was that I've actually

(18:27):
been experiencing like time with people who are at the
end of their life, not even midlife. And this has
happened twice recently where I've been in a situation where
I was I'm working on a job right now with
literally one of the richest men in our country, entire country,
like has so much money, just so much money and

(18:49):
things and houses and help and all the things. But
he's older now and I was sitting there getting him
ready for this interview the other day, and I thought
to myself, all the money in the fucking world cannot
buy you out of the life and death cycle, Like
there is nothing you can do to outrun that. And

(19:11):
that is so much an interesting thing, like that is
one thing that connects us, all right, if there's nothing
else in this world, the one thing that we all
have in common is that we will one day we
are born and will one day die. And when you
start to think about it that way, it kind of
changes the way you live your life. So I started

(19:34):
to research and I thought to myself because I was
thinking to myself, like, what's the common thing that everyone
says on their deathbed? Because what I've learned with the
experience I just explained. And then also, I've been around
my grandmother, who is in her eighties now, and so
I've spent a lot of time with her recently, and
it's just there's so much wisdom when you're sitting with

(19:57):
people of that age, and I really try to take notes.
I think it's one of the things we kind of
miss in this country is we don't look to the
wisdom of the people who have already lived it, and
we kind of write off the elderly in our country,
But the reality is is they've already done it. So
whatever they're telling you, whatever, the experience that they will

(20:19):
look back on their life and reflect on, is probably
you're going to feel that at some point. Or that's
been my experience at least. And with both of these people,
I had the moment of listening to the things that
were important to them and paying attention to that in
witnessing all of that, and a lot of it came
from people, and so I started researching, and I was like,

(20:40):
what is the number one thing that people talk about
on their deathbed? So on CNM dot com, this is
what it says. They talk about the love they felt,
the love they gave. Often they talk about the love
they did not receive, or the love they did not
know how to offer, the love they withheld or maybe
never felt for the ones they should have loved unconditionally.
Talk about how they learned what love is and what

(21:03):
it is.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
Not.

Speaker 2 (21:05):
The point here for me is that they talk about love,
not the things they talk about love. So maybe you've
gotten off track, You've lost yourself, you feel lost from yourself,
and you do need some changes to live a life
the way you want it, and that's okay. Changes just
don't necessarily mean you have to blow up your life.
I mean, or maybe they do, no judgment, but whatever

(21:28):
you do, I would say, try to find a way
to live like you're dying, like Tim McGraw says. Not
to quote Tim mcgral here, but just enjoy it. Find
the way to live like you're dying, and enjoy it.
Take your toss.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
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