Velvet Edging (The Velvet)

Jackson Hightower is the founder of Natural Jackson, a company whose mission is physical, mental, sexual self mastery. Jackson helps men reclaim their vitality, confidence, and purpose through private coaching, online courses, and herbal supplements. He also provides the tools and guidance men need to optimize their health, performance, and pleasure.  

Jackson joins Kelly to discuss the lack of sexual education in our current society and how that is causing problems and lack of fulfillment  in our own personal lives and relationships. In his work, Jackson challenges men to take charge of their sexual energy and utilize the complete power of their life force energy by laying down the porn and using tools like 'edging" during sex with a partner.

However, before you zone out and think this is about restriction via sex, Jackson and Kelly also talk about the benefits of sex when it is being lived on full spectrum and the greater capacity we can all find in this lifetime when we are dialed into our sexual power.    

They also discuss the massive rise of erectile dysfunction, especially in young men, why it's happening and how to fix it. Jackson also gives his number one tip for keeping it sexy, long term, in a relationship. 

Socials: @getnaturaljackson  (with specific sex tips)

Website and work with Jackson: jacksonhightower.com

Supplements: Natural Jackson

Follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/velvetsedge/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's
Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson Jackson.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
High Tower helps men reclaim their vitality, confidence, and purpose
through private coaching, online courses, and herbal supplements. Jackson provides
the tools and guidance men need to optimize their health, performance,
and pleasure, and he is here today with us. Hi Jackson,
how you doing. I'm good?

Speaker 3 (00:26):
How are you great to be here?

Speaker 2 (00:28):
I have been following your Instagram for a minute, and
so I was so happy to find you because you're
really stepping into this men's health sexual mastery world and
you talk a lot about sexual mastery. Can you tell
us what that is?

Speaker 4 (00:45):
I can so sexual mastery really, you know, we grow
up and we don't have a lot of guidance in
the area of our sexual health, our sexual anatomy, sexual dynamics,
like how to connect with partners and things like that.
We get a lot of our information from porn, you know,
young kids growing up and that's all they have really

(01:06):
have access to. And so if you want to be
really good at something, usually you take education, courses.

Speaker 3 (01:13):
Readings, books, whatever it may be. We tend to do that.

Speaker 4 (01:16):
If you're going to become a doctor, if you're going
to become a lawyer, you know, sort of professional things
like that. We don't spend a lot of time really
diving into this particular area because of you know, religion
and society and propriety and all the reasons why we
don't get into it. So when I think of that term,
you know, it's almost like an art form, right, Like
your capacity to like be intimate, make love, connect with

(01:39):
another human. It's one of the most beautiful things on
the planet, right, That's like why we're here almost right,
is to be able to experience that.

Speaker 3 (01:46):
And so.

Speaker 4 (01:48):
When I think of sexual master I think of, like,
how can we create an environment where we are learning
more about these things and it's totally okay in our culture,
so that you can become really prof efficient right at
connecting in an intimate way, you know, That's really what
it comes down to. So like the physical practices, but
also like the before, the during, the after right of

(02:09):
those sexual experiences. So sexual mastery to me is just
you know, anyone who's an incredible artist or a performer
or an.

Speaker 3 (02:17):
Athlete, right, they have mastery over their craft.

Speaker 4 (02:20):
And I'm really focusing on like how do we help
guys get better and master more of their own sexual energy,
but also those experiences with when they are intimate with
their partners.

Speaker 2 (02:32):
You mentioned the before, the during, and the after, So
are they all connected and how so?

Speaker 4 (02:38):
So before would be considered like the foreplay. You know,
the during is obviously the interaction, and then the after
is the aftercare. So we're not really you know, we
learn a lot about like the act, but we don't
learn a lot about the before the act and then
after the act, and those are actually, in my opinion,
more important to creating a really harmon and like safe

(03:00):
environment when you are in an intimate experience. And so
you know, if you ask the young guys like about
for play, I don't really think that they know much
about it or what to do or how long it
takes or how long they should be focused on it,
or you know, the moves and the dynamics that they
should have in those experiences. And so part of like
the teaching is about, like how do you have a

(03:21):
holistic experience through your sec It's not just the act
and the release, it's how are you before through your
actions and your words? How are you during? And then
how are you after? So it's really creating almost like
this curriculum right for for you know, young men, and
not necessarily young men, but any man who wants to
really dive into it more to understand that this is

(03:44):
not just about you having an experience and quickly getting
off right, it's much it's much broader than that, right.
So that's that's my goal is to continue to educate
and share and provide a different perspective for men. It
takes them out of like the typical like this is
what I've done, this is what I've learned. Well, let's
unlearn a lot, right, and then let's refocus our energy

(04:07):
into creating a much more harmonious experience.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
You also mentioned porn, which I'm just going to dive
right in do it because I talk about this a
lot on the podcast that I feel like men often
are looking at that as the only way to learn
about sex. I mean, it's kind of all that's out there.
The way we have it set up now, there's not
really good sexual education. And I know your story kind
of started with the porn addiction stuff and it maybe

(04:34):
jolted you into being like, wait, there has to be
something different, So can you tell the listeners a little
bit about that story and why it propelled you to
start learning something new.

Speaker 4 (04:42):
Yeah, so I agree. My particular experience was I knew
that I was watching it more often than I should have. Okay,
I wouldn't say that I was a full blown addict,
but I was watching it in place of opportunities where
I should have been more intimate with.

Speaker 3 (04:57):
My partner, okay.

Speaker 4 (04:58):
And I had the awareness like, okay, like this is
probably not a good thing. What's going on here? I
ended up going to this you know, this retreat where
I was like taking some time for myself and like
looking into what was going on in my life at
that time a lot. It was a lot of transitions professionally, personally,
et cetera. And I had some really amazing insights about
the power of your own life for us, right when like.

Speaker 3 (05:19):
The release, like the ejaculate, Like what is that to
a man?

Speaker 4 (05:23):
And I realized that every time I was watching you know,
porn and doing that instead of finding a way to
like actually connect with my partner at the time, it
was taking away my energy, right and it was using
that energy in a way that wasn't serving our relationship.
And at that point it was. It was August eight,
twenty fourteen. I said, like cold turkey, I'm done. I'm stopping,

(05:47):
like no more. And So what I've learned over the
last you know, year or so of working with guys
and seeing dms that come in, you know, to my inbox,
is that most men that's one of their only outlets
for sexual intimacy we'll call it, which is not really
real sexual instantly, but it's it's a sexual act that
they're viewing. It teaches all the wrong moves, and it

(06:10):
also is harming their physiological systems. Right, the dopamine reward
response pathway, the way that porn affects your brain, and
their studies on this is that it's it's kind of
like the way heroin affects your brain. Right, You seek
this like dopamine rise, and as the dopamine rises, as
men are in those intense experiences getting ready to release,
then what happens is the dopamine falls and it crashes

(06:33):
when they do release, and you get into this lethargic
state post and ejaculation.

Speaker 3 (06:38):
But what.

Speaker 4 (06:41):
Happens as a man is that you get used to
that level of dopamine that it gets to and so
if the porn becomes boring or less novel or whatever
it is, you're gonna need more and more intense experiences
while watching and viewing to get that high because you're
changing that high again. Right, it's not as intense as heroin,
but it's the same path pathways. And so when you

(07:02):
are watching, you know, pornographic material in that hardcore video nature,
your dopamine gets triggered. Right, It's like, what's the quickest
way to pleasure? That's what dopamine really asks us. So
if a guy's hung over, he's depressed, or he's upset,
or he's lonely or whatever it is, he's gonna like
the body says, what's the quickest way to pleasure? And
he goes, well, watching that hardcore, visceral nature of porn,

(07:22):
and so they're gonna go watch it. But what happens
is if that dopamine reward response pathway, that dopamin level
is really high and they're used to that being really
high when they're with a person, often what times happens
is the experience of that person is never really as
intense as the porn that they're watching, because porn is
usually quite hardcore, and I'm talking about general porn. Obviously

(07:42):
there's some intimate porn that's a different category and more artful.
But like the porn that most guys are watching is
like hardcore, fast, quick, et cetera. So they're developing a
tremendous amount of sexual dysfunction as a result of being
habituated to seeing this particular style of porn of porn. Right,
And then when they're with the person, it doesn't get

(08:04):
that high, so they can't get they can't get a
heart on. So it's creating it's called porn induced directile
dysfunction and guys that are in their twenties, which never
used to happen before, right, And it's more of a
mental thing than a physiological thing because he's a guy
in a twenty. Physiologically is fine, but it's the way
that the brain chemistry changes. And porn actually, the video,

(08:24):
the hardcore video quick video nature of porn actually creates
neuroplastic changes in the brain. Neuroplastic changes, like the brain
is actually changing its structure based on what it's watching.
You know, back in you know, the fifties and sixties,
like porn was was a static image, like the Playboy,
you know, static image, Like you look at the image

(08:46):
and you're like, okay, great, and now think about what
we have. We have TikTok, Instagram, we have all these boomerangs,
we have these video shots, and then we have, you know,
obviously like the massive, you know, one hundred and something
billion dollar industry of porn. So it's it's a lot.
You know, it's a lot that guys are faced with.
And you know, I always ask women like, how do

(09:06):
you know if a guy walks ports, is by the
way that he has sex with me?

Speaker 2 (09:09):
Oh, one hundred percent? Yes, you know, so true. Yeah,
I'm kind of stuck on the fact that guys are
saying to you, well, that's how I get intimacy or whatever.
Are they in relationships or is this a man that's single?

Speaker 3 (09:22):
Like both?

Speaker 4 (09:23):
Really, Yeah, it's it's pretty it's pretty rampant. I mean,
thirty five percent of all Internet downloads are porn. Wow,
seventeen of the top one hundred internet sites or porn sites.
So it's one of the biggest industries in the world.
And whether you're in a relationship, often guys are still
watching it because it's it's a it's addictive it's a

(09:45):
serious disease, right, but you can't see it.

Speaker 3 (09:47):
Right.

Speaker 4 (09:48):
It's not like alcoholism or drug addiction or anything like that.
Like when you are addicted to porn, it's hidden't it's private.
The only way that anyone can really know if that
you're addicted is by looking at your search history or
you're your partner, like feels like the way that you're
having sex with them is kind of like the way
they do imporn. It's very kind of like, you know,
you're trying to do all these crazy moves and it's

(10:09):
performative and it doesn't feel intimate or connected. So but
it's happening to everyone across the board. Relationship and a relationship.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah, I mean that makes sense to me because even
like even in my Instagram, you know, there's the two
inboxes that you have that you can see, but if
you go into that, I can't remember what the purgatory
place is, the place where people who don't you haven't
messaged with.

Speaker 3 (10:30):
The primary general and then write requests or so.

Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, I mean I get the dirtiest things sent to
me in those than that inbox, you know, And so
I'm thinking, if I'm getting this, I can't imagine how
they target men so much higher. And then so it's
like everywhere you look, which to me is case in
point of the chemical nature of like that whole thing
that the people that are making it know that, and

(10:53):
so they're playing on like into our brains that way.

Speaker 4 (10:56):
Yeah, yeah, they know it, and then they make more
and more intense experience is in the porn, right, so
you know, hetero porn, and then you move into much more.
I mean, I could go the list, but right, you know, anyway,
it's it's pretty, it's wild, and they know that and
they make it that way because they need to have
the eyeballs, right yeah, and so it's like we need

(11:17):
guys to watch this for eight to ten minutes, you know,
potentially multiple times per day. I mean I have guys
who are telling me, like they watch porn four times
a day, and like that's twenty year olds.

Speaker 3 (11:26):
It's also sixty five year olds. Yeah, you know, that's
a lot of time to be watching porn.

Speaker 2 (11:31):
And also I'm consuming seriously.

Speaker 4 (11:33):
Massively time consuming and also releasing and all that life
force that you're releasing. Right, people don't take that into account,
you know when you're younger. Okay, but when you're older,
like not so much.

Speaker 3 (11:44):
Okay, great idea.

Speaker 2 (11:45):
You've mentioned the life force a couple of times, So
let's talk about that a little bit because I hear
you and your content on Instagram saying that about men
like you don't want to just release your life force?
So what is that? What does that even mean? And
how is it so powerful?

Speaker 4 (12:01):
Okay, So, in its simplest term, your semen as a
man can create a child. Right, That's what it's original
purpose is.

Speaker 2 (12:13):
Right, once you broke it down, it feels like a really
dumb question.

Speaker 4 (12:16):
No, no, no, no, it's really it's important, and it's
right exactly explaining it, and it's like most simplest terms,
is actually like critical to the whole purpose of you know,
because this is about reframing conversation. Yeah, so a semen
can creates life.

Speaker 3 (12:32):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (12:33):
The energy that you develop as a man in your
nuts when you are engaging in a sexual experience, it's
physiologically moving. The semen is moving up from the testicles
into the best affarans and into the eurethreatctera. There's also
energy that is created in that experience, and so when

(12:54):
you release, you're releasing physical substance jaculine, you are also
releasing energy.

Speaker 3 (13:01):
And so.

Speaker 4 (13:03):
If you are in a sexual experience and you cultivate
that energy, right, you start you know, getting more and
more turned on and et cetera. And then you you
can feel the energy being created as you're getting further
along in your sexual experience, and you don't release it out.

Speaker 3 (13:21):
What can you do with that energy? Right?

Speaker 4 (13:25):
So the energy that's created where they talk about a
lot of like Daoist and like sort of semen retention practices,
I call it edging, is like you actually take that
energy and you move it through your own body so
that you're not releasing it out. So if this is
like like science and like you know, if semen can
create life and the energy that's created is really powerful,

(13:47):
and if you don't actually release it out.

Speaker 3 (13:50):
But you take it in, what can that energy do
for you? Right?

Speaker 4 (13:54):
It keeps you more focused, It keeps you more creative. Right,
it's creative life force. You're creating life. So what I
share with guys is like, look, that energy is like
there isn't like an infinite amount of it, right, that
is like your life force like that, and you know,
ancient Chinese culture like They're like, there's a certain amount
of energy that you have, and if you're consistently dissipating

(14:17):
it watching porn all day, right, that energy is going
out of you, right, and that's energy that can't really
be you know, recollected essentially. So I'm shifting the conversation
of like, well, what would happen if you didn't let
go of that energy? What would happen if you kept
that energy inside you? And so you look at people
in history, you know, Socrates, Plato are still all like

(14:41):
a lot of fighters, right, you talk about like not
coming before their fights. I don't know if you've heard
about this, it's pretty common if you're And so that's
another way that I try to explain it to you, guys.
I'm like, if a fighter is not ejaculating before his fight,
explain to me why he wants to have the most
of energy and vitality and drive so that he can

(15:03):
win the fight. Right, So, if the hormones and the
energy that is released in your in your body and
outside of your body when you ejaculate are going to
cause you to be less vital so to speak, right,
you can apply that he doesn't know it's not a fight.
Every day is in a fight, but like every day
is a new day of life. What could you put

(15:23):
that towards your business? You could put that towards your
own health, you could put towards a creative endeavor. You
could put that towards your relationship. Right, So you're there
a lot of like pretty famous influential people in the
past and also currently who have practiced this. It's been
around for a long time because they understand the power
of the creative energy that you have inside you. And
so if you're not going to try to have a kid,

(15:45):
right with which is what our intention is with with
with you know, sex or one of the responses with it,
and you know, but you can use that and you
actually are like cultivating that energy and then using it
for other things. So that's I guess the long winded
way of explaining it, but like that's the general premise
is that there's energy and you're not releasing it and

(16:06):
you're cultivating inside you so that you remain powerful, vital,
driven focused. Similarly, like when you know, we've all you
have sex with a man, he ejaculates, how does.

Speaker 3 (16:18):
He change he wants sleepy puppy.

Speaker 4 (16:21):
Yeah, So Prolactin is a hormone that's released in the body.
So it's like when women are lactating, they have prolactin
that goes through the breasts. The children are drinking the
breast milk, the children become tired because they have more
prolactin form the breast milk. So prolactin is released in
the vast majority of men's bodies after they ejaculate. Prolactin

(16:43):
makes you lethargic, satiated, content, tired, and it completely ruins
any form of libido. So you know, that's sort of
what we're getting at is like are you able to
not can you not have that happen?

Speaker 3 (16:58):
Right?

Speaker 4 (16:59):
And what would you do able to do in your
life if you didn't if you weren't tired and lethargic
and you know, disconnected?

Speaker 3 (17:05):
Right?

Speaker 4 (17:06):
Not only are you not connected with the women that
you just had sex with, right, but like what other
things are you sort of like you don't have that gust,
that that like drive and that you know, zest for life.

Speaker 3 (17:15):
Right.

Speaker 4 (17:16):
I know that when I practice retention and I'm intimate
with a woman, I'm connected, I'm available, I'm ready, I
can go again, you know, relatively quickly afterwards. I'm I'm present,
I'm available, and I also know how I feel when
I do choose to release, and it's just it's just
a different feeling. So it's not actually my fault because
the hormones are doing their thing, but it's a pretty
powerful difference, very powerful difference, and it allows me to

(17:40):
have more energy for whatever it is that I want
to do in my.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
Life, right, you know, Okay, I want to talk about
the details of how to do that in a second,
which is interesting, but but I want to know first.
This just came to me. It has to be different
for women, though, right, because we're taught almost the opposite,
like if we're if we are getting to a place
of release, that it like it opens up our life

(18:04):
force exactly.

Speaker 3 (18:05):
Okay, very different.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
Okay, well can you talk through that a little.

Speaker 4 (18:09):
Yeah, So, in in my teachings, I have learned and
there's various opinions upon this. And I'm not a woman,
so I've never had all the different types of orgasms,
but I've learned about them. There are some orgasms which
are more like male orgasms platoral right, and then there's
some orgasms which are much deeper, you know, vaginal.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
G spot, a spot, et cetera.

Speaker 4 (18:28):
It's my what I've learned in the teachings is that
an orgasm is like life force energy for a female
and it creates an entirely new sort of way of
being for her, and that she should have orgasmic energy
flying through her regularly.

Speaker 2 (18:45):
Right.

Speaker 4 (18:45):
So that being said, that's where I get into like, guys,
focus on the woman first, you're gonna get off. It's
really easy, like focus on the woman and like creating
an environment where she has the capacity to achieve an
orgasm and then and you'll focus on yourself afterwards.

Speaker 3 (19:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (19:03):
But yes, women generally speaking, have an opposite effect as man.
Men lose their life force energy and women gain.

Speaker 2 (19:08):
It isn't that some ship that is some universe stuff
right there. It's like so much harder for women to
orgasm or to get to that place, so much easier
for a man. But it's really like the opposite effect,
do it. Okay, Well, let's talk a little bit about
edging then, because you've brought that up and I've heard
it said, semen retention is that the same thing.

Speaker 4 (19:29):
It's the same, It's the same general principle is that
it's a practice of non ejaculation. Semon retention is much
is more like you're not masturbating, you're not doing it
with a partner, you're just not releasing at all. And
edging is more like when you're in the actual sexual
experience that you can do sort of like breathing techniques
and physical holds of the of the muscles in your body,

(19:51):
your PC muscle to actively not release, okay, And so
that's generally how it works. So it's it's as a
man from zero to ten, if you had to scale
from zero to ten, ten is you know, full full.

Speaker 3 (20:05):
Release you exactly. Zero is your FLACCT.

Speaker 4 (20:08):
So there's a point I call like the magic eight,
which is you're in your sexual experience and you're getting
more and more turned on your dopamines going up and
up and up, and you know, you get to that
eight out of a ten, right, which is like you're
really close. And men know like as soon as there's
like it hits this trigger, they cannot not come right
and so they go past the eight out of a

(20:29):
ten they got a release, right. So the practice of
edging is to learn like where you sit in that
in that spectrum right as you go through these experiences
of where you need to stop and pause and you
do these breathing techniques and et cetera that I have
in one of my programs, and you stop there and
you you sort of pause the experience so that you

(20:51):
can then move yourself back to a seven to a
six to a five, and then hover at that other
plateau and then build yourself up again. So so the
experience is so that if you don't, if you go
past the out of it, if you go past the
eight out of a ten, you are going to come.
And you probably have to come at that point because
there's too much stuff that's built up and you want
it to get out of you, right, Okay, So if

(21:12):
it's before the eight and you can cultivate that energy
inside you, then you, you know, can remain in the experience.
You can have more time for her to experience pleasure.
But there is a moment of kind of like slowing
and pausing, and it's difficult because we're trained as a
culture it's like fast, hard sex is good.

Speaker 2 (21:33):
Well, that's a quarantine exactly, right.

Speaker 4 (21:35):
And so you know, and and and you know when
a woman says like harder, harder, men grollly go faster, faster, faster,
or like they're almost funtioning climax.

Speaker 3 (21:42):
It's very difficult to stop.

Speaker 4 (21:44):
The most difficult thing in the world for a man
to do is to actively not release when he's at
the sprint.

Speaker 3 (21:51):
It's so hard to do because it feels so good
for that moment.

Speaker 2 (21:59):
So you're basic having to learn your levels, like what
is your aides so that you just become so comfortable
identifying that when you're having sex exactly. So how do
people do that?

Speaker 3 (22:09):
Well? You do it. I mean when you start with yourself.

Speaker 4 (22:11):
Yeah, So you start with self pleasure and you work
yourself up to a place where you're like, okay, cool,
I know where I'm at, and then you do the
the breathing and practices and the hold and then you
and then you can do it what I what I
Usually you just do it with yourself first, then do
it with a partner for with oral sex because it's
a much less variable, okay.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
And also like communicate with your partner what you're doing,
what you're trying to learn.

Speaker 4 (22:33):
Right if you're in a relationship, it's like, hey, I
want to try this thing, Let's do this together. Here's
why we're doing it, right, it's a reframing of the
entire experience, you know, I and then this and then
the last part is doing it during sex, because during
oral sex, she's not in the experience really with you
in the same way. Right, there's sort of like, you know,
she's giving the man pleasure, right, she's doing it. It's

(22:57):
just true, she's But and so I say, like, start
with yourself, learn how to do it, learn where you're
at work on, you know, with oral sex, and then
start doing it in an intimate experience. And so I
get a lot of feedback back, like from women and
you know, man like why would I do that? And
then again my whole goal is like, let's reframe our experience.

(23:18):
What are we doing here? I know you want to
get off. I know that it feels really good. I've
been there, like I'm a guy. But what would happen
if you came twenty percent less right? What would happen
if you came thirty five percent less right? What would
that do for your life? And the actually trying it
for a couple of weeks, months, et cetera and seeing
how it goes, because it's not something you pick up
right away, right, you know what I mean? It takes

(23:39):
time and also the reframing of why you're doing it right,
Like you have to actually get it and want to
do it. You have to believe that like, okay, cool,
Like I know how I feel after I come. Well,
what would happen if I didn't feel that way? But
I still had a great experience, But I like I
I went without that little like momentum, that little moment

(23:59):
of a jet right.

Speaker 3 (24:00):
Which is like it feels good for about ten seconds.

Speaker 4 (24:04):
I mean, if you're really good, it feels good for
like a minute or so, yeah, you know, and you
can elongate it and then the woman usually comes to
me like I feel badly if I don't make him come.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
That was such the feedback that I got from people
when I started talking about your content, and women would
say how do I get over? Though? Like if my
partner is not coming, how do I know he's happy
or satisfied? And the mental aspect of that because we
so equate orgasm to satisfying sex one hundred percent.

Speaker 4 (24:29):
Yeah, So it's like turning a cruise ship, right, like, yeah,
this isn't something that's like, oh great, everyone's going to
get it. Women have a lot of value associated with
making their men come, exactly because that's what we're taught
watching porn and sort of like the dynamic that we
have in our culture, you know, sexually right now. And
what I find most interesting is if people are willing

(24:52):
to give something a different chance, to give something a
different way, and they're like, Okay, let's try this. See
what this feels like. Right, You're going to bumble and
stumble up first. It's not like it's just quick and easy.
You know, you both have to want to do it.
But if the women had less value associated with that
and more sort of like what is the journey of
our sexual experience together?

Speaker 3 (25:12):
Like, what are we trying to achieve?

Speaker 4 (25:13):
You? We want to achieve pleasure, we want to achieve connectedness,
we want to achieve intimacy, we want to you know,
push the boundaries of what we can explore together, and
having less value associated with like, well, if I don't
make them come, then who am I?

Speaker 3 (25:26):
Right? Totally Like that's a totll.

Speaker 4 (25:28):
Mind f you know what I mean, Like to most people,
and you know, most guys like I want to get
off and like and I get that. So this isn't
for everyone, But what I try to share is like
it's it's a really powerful way to like totally elevate
your sexual experience to another to like the sexual mastery
level where it's like you can really start you know,

(25:50):
art directing your sexual experiences and you know, paying more
attention to like her pleasure. Right, Like, there's a major
orgasm ratio, like in inequality of orgasm that's happening right
now in our world.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
Wait, what do you mean by that?

Speaker 4 (26:04):
Well, I mean heterosexual females have like the lowest orgasm
percentage of I think any type of like heteron you know,
like it's just really low.

Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yeah, in comparison to how heterosexual male.

Speaker 3 (26:19):
Right.

Speaker 4 (26:19):
Like, there's like a chart I saw once which is
it's like, oh man, that's sad. Yes, So it's about
reframing that, but it's also about coming together with your
partner realizing you're both on the same you're on the
same page. What are we doing together and what do
we want to experience? Right, So the guy needs to
be like cool, I'll try That'll I get it, you know,

(26:40):
and give it a shot, and then maybe he lasts
a lot longer during his experience well, what does that
do for her?

Speaker 2 (26:47):
Right, and she can actually have an orgasm.

Speaker 3 (26:50):
Yeah, and then we make her a totally different human.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
The other interesting thing I was just thinking as you
were talking about the mental aspect with women is I
think somewhere and I don't know if any women listening
are identifying with this, but somewhere along the line, we
have been taught that if a man is if we're
having great sex and the man's having great orgasms, then
in some way we're safe and in like a power

(27:16):
position or we're like we're not going to lose that man,
do you know what I mean? But in reality, what
you're talking about, actually, if you were going to go
into that together with your partner, that's such a more connected,
intimate kind of relationship and like sexual dynamic that probably
would solidify security in a relationship. More so, can you
talk a little bit about that, Like, that's something that

(27:37):
I didn't even think about happening in our culture.

Speaker 4 (27:39):
It's interesting, so, and I haven't really thought about what
you said earlier, was that like a woman needs to
make sure that her man is taking care of in
order to feel safe in the relationship.

Speaker 3 (27:50):
Yeah, that he won't be seeking that elsewhere.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
Well, because they can just pick up their phone and
find it.

Speaker 4 (27:56):
Yeah, no, that's true. So when we're moving into i
mean what the goal is, like moving into a much
more evolved state of sexual awareness and sexual dynamics with
our with our partners and with ourselves. And you know,
we've seen this rise of like the female sexual health movement,
right and like my goal is really like to really
empower men to think about things in a different way.

Speaker 3 (28:16):
But you know it takes a more evolved couple or a.

Speaker 4 (28:20):
Couple that's really conscious, like okay, cool, Like let's give
this a shot so we can see how this feels.
The man needs to understand that his release is better
served not being released as often as it is, right.
That's like that's where the man has to get to.
He has to say, okay, cool, I'm gonna try this

(28:40):
and if he and if he's down right, he may
experience some so he says, okay, cool. There's people in
the past who are super i mean, you know, intellectual
you know, world changers or whatever who've done this. Why
are they doing it?

Speaker 3 (28:53):
Right?

Speaker 4 (28:53):
There's got to be a reason why do fighters do this? Right, Like,
there's gotta be a reason, Well, what if I, you know,
apply this in my life percent of the time more
they have to They have to buy in in some
capacity and you give it a shot. And then once
they get there, they'll know, oh wait, if I keep
my seat in, I'm a much more powerful man. Right,

(29:13):
Being a powerful man doesn't mean you're release. And and
also like if you're if because like when you have
a sexual experience with a woman and she knows how
to do this with you, it's one hundred times better.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Okay, we'll talk about that.

Speaker 3 (29:27):
Then tell them.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
And because I'm sure there's men listening who are like,
are you serious, dude, Like you're telling.

Speaker 4 (29:32):
Me it's so much better because you you are both
you both have different drivers for what is that you're doing,
and the goals are different. You're reframing the experience together
so you have more pleasure. You know, she's orgasming, which
you know, again, some guys want their partner to orgasm,
and some guys don't necessarily think about it all that much.
And what I'm encouraging guys is like, hey, guys, we

(29:53):
should think like it.

Speaker 2 (29:54):
Just doesn't cross men's mind seriously.

Speaker 3 (29:57):
Some some of them not some of them are just
like I want to get off.

Speaker 4 (30:00):
And by the way, like there's a time and a
place for a guy just like, yeah, I need to
get off, and like that's okay too. So it's not
an all the time thing. People ask me, like how
often do I do this? You do it as often
as you want. You do it as often as it
makes sense for your relationship. I don't do it all
the time. You know, if you're having an insane time
and she's about to comment, say you don't want to stop,
then just keep going and have that experience together. But

(30:21):
there's a time and a place for practicing this type
of stuff, right. It's like again, if if sexual intimacy
can be a form like an art form, right, or
where we have a sport, right, you're practicing different aspects
of it. Well, it's like, let's try this. Let's not
be so one dimensional. We're gonna do a missionary position.
I'm gonna come, you're not, and then we're done. It's
just boring. Like, can we expand our capacity to feel

(30:45):
more right, to try different things, to put ourselves into
situations that are outside of our comfort zone a little bit, right,
to push ourselves physically. It's like and again, as I said,
the hardest thing for a guy to do is to
actively not release, Right, how much discipline does a guy
gain from that? And what discipline can he take into
his life? Right, if he can do that regularly, like

(31:06):
where he's going to get the most intense burst of
pleasure that he's able to experience as a human, he's
able to hold off on that.

Speaker 3 (31:12):
What can he do in his business? What can he
do in his personal life? What can he do?

Speaker 4 (31:15):
I mean, there's just so many things that that applies to.
So it creates an incredible amount of like self discipline. Right,
It's like the same thing as getting in a cold punch.
It's not fun getting in a cold punch. Anyone who
says it's fun is lying. But it allows you to
elevate your capacity to be a human. And if you're
doing difficult things regularly, you're going to get better at life.

(31:37):
Things are going to affect you less. So that's really
what it's about. It's about, like, how can we level
up in this regard as men, you know, and continue
to push ourselves to elevate beyond some of the traditional
norms that we have yeah to experience, Like and again,
you know, when you're in a longer, longer sexual experience
with a woman and she's orgasming and you're cultivating.

Speaker 3 (31:57):
That energy up you feel high. You get high.

Speaker 4 (32:00):
It's not the same feeling as a release, but it's
much more in your head. It's much more powerful up here.
And that's you know, when you learn how to do
it properly, it's it's potent, super potent.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
It's so the opposite of the way our culture is
wired right now though, because we are so instant gratification, right,
so the things that we do we want to feel
right then. Yeah, and so this is kind of going
back to an old school mentality almost, like I mean,
I wasn't going to say I was gonna say cavemen,
but maybe not that far, but a long time ago
where you had to work for things and then when

(32:33):
you did get them, it was so much more satisfying
because you built up to it.

Speaker 4 (32:38):
Yeah, I completely agree. But when you taste it and
when you experience it, like you're like, oh wait, okay,
I get it, And that's all it takes is that
one time, because then you have that personal experience with
it and you're like, okay, great, let's you know, because again,
you know, we live in this culture of fast and

(32:58):
quick and you know, but that's just sort of what
we're shown via social media and via the internet and
all this sort of stuff. Like nothing really like gets
really good that quickly. You know when people are building
their always sold this company, Well it took them ten years.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
Right, you just didn't see all.

Speaker 3 (33:15):
The you didn't see any of the.

Speaker 4 (33:17):
Struggles and the challenges before he became popular and was
on podcasts and doing this and doing that. Like there's
a there's there's always a growth, right, Like, nothing that's
really good happens immediately, you know, and so so yeah,
but that's my challenge to guys. I'm like, cool, let's
push ourselves a little bit. Yeah, you know, let's like
take things to the next level. Let's try something new,
Let's reframe our experiences so that again, if we're having

(33:39):
better sex as a culture, I think everything is improved,
you know what I mean, everything improves, Yeah, you know,
business decisions, personal decisions, societal decisions, Like it's one of
the best things that we have the experience to have
as a human, right, and a lot of us aren't
really even touching like that. We're scratching the surface and
what's possible, you know, And I think that there's significant

(34:03):
room for improvement and more pleasure and more joy and
more fun you know with that.

Speaker 2 (34:08):
Yeah, you know, I think that's so true because, like
I was thinking that women are now being taught to
lean in. We've had the opposite of men for so long,
Like sex was shameful. You weren't supposed to do it
before you were married. I mean, we're in the South,
but just all of these different programming things that we
have that y'all don't have is kind of the opposite.

(34:30):
And so it's interesting that it almost if you're getting
into a place of wanting to grow your sexual experience.
For us, it's to lean into pleasure and like lean
into receiving, and for y'all it's more about discipline and
harnessing and know you use that word harnessing your sexual energy,
you have more power over it.

Speaker 4 (34:48):
Yeah, the internal alchemy, right, that harnessing of that energy.
Like what I've realized is that most men don't have
a really healthy connection to their own sexual energy. And
so if you don't have because they're watching porn, they're
ejaculating way too regularly. They're you know, they're just not
necessarily connected in a healthy way. Right. You have to
have a healthy connection right between here here and down there.

(35:10):
And so if you don't have a healthy connection with
your own sexual energy, how are you going to be
able to take that into a partnership. I just don't
think you can, right, And so that's why we see
so many partnerships where there's lackluster sex, or there's challenge sex,
or there's you know, treating or infidelity or whatever it
may be. Right, if you don't have a healthy connection
to your own body, with your own discipline and your

(35:31):
own internal l chemical like alcolme, Its just like the
mixing of energy. It's like, if you don't have that,
I don't think that you can have it anywhere else.
And so what I really teach, and especially when I'm
working with one on one with guys, is like, let's
focus on you first, Right, how often are you watching?

Speaker 3 (35:48):
For? Right? How I am man? Often are you masturbating?
What are you doing with your day? Like?

Speaker 4 (35:52):
What do you like map out your hours of your day?
How are you spending your time? You know, eight hours
of sleep, eight hours of work, eight hours of other right?
Like what do you do, right? Are you masturbating to
porn four times a day for an hour or two
hours or whatever it may be. Can you think of
something better to do with your time?

Speaker 3 (36:08):
Right?

Speaker 4 (36:09):
Can you cultivate and put that energy into something else?
And so if you develop healthier connections with that energy
and you start to really you know, a lot of
the other stuff I do, which is like teaching guys
how to you know, connect with their members, right, they
connect with their sex centers in a way that isn't masturbatory,
you know, like like females have like you know, Yoni exercises,

(36:33):
the vaginal exercises that you're doing, like whatever, there's stuff
that guys can do where it's like, let's actually cultivate
a healthy connection down there, you know. It's like the
gym for your for yours. Keegels is one of them. Yeah, okay,
I mean you can do physical manipulations, you can do kegels,
you can.

Speaker 3 (36:49):
Oh for sure.

Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, Heegels is actually the best exercise that men can
do for their sexual health.

Speaker 2 (36:54):
Interesting.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
Yeah, it's super potent.

Speaker 4 (36:56):
It helps with correct all dysfunction, it helps with premature jaculation,
and also helps with prostate health. You know, which is
a big one for men. Men are also concerned about prostate.
But it's yeah, like the kegels are keels are massively important,
massively important, And so yeah, I have a whole program
where I teach guys like nine different variations of the

(37:17):
exercise with breathing routines and stuff like that. And you
can do kegels like sitting here, I'm doing kegels right now.
You can't even see I'm doing it, you know, So
like you can do them anywhere, it's just not like
making the time to do it. Most men don't have
a strong pelvic floor. And if you don't have a
strong pelvic floor, you're not going to get as much circulation,

(37:39):
you're not going to have as much rectile function, or
you're not gonna have as good a rectile function, and
you're also not going to be able to control your release.
So it's like that movement right of like that squeezing
movement enables guys to hold off on the relief. Yeah,
And so if you can get that muscle stronger, right

(37:59):
and you train it, you can see.

Speaker 3 (38:01):
The differences in three or four.

Speaker 4 (38:03):
Weeks and how long you cannot and your ability to
get a better direct out quality.

Speaker 2 (38:11):
So that's what you would say. I would feel like
with all of this stuff that I feel like a
lot of the men might be listening and like this
sounds so terrible, Like why am I to put myself
through this? I like the way things are, you know,
I'm really like I'm getting off every time I have
sex and all this stuff. How do you change the
narrative in the male mind from one of restriction to

(38:32):
one of ultimately more pleasure.

Speaker 4 (38:37):
So it's really about you know, reframing, right, what does
that word restriction mean?

Speaker 3 (38:42):
Right?

Speaker 4 (38:43):
And if you're a guy and you practice a sport,
or you have a discipline, or you're a business person,
like there's always discipline and everything, right, there's.

Speaker 3 (38:51):
Restriction, so to speak.

Speaker 4 (38:54):
But when you follow that discipline path, usually for a
long period of time, you have a tremendous amount of sex,
a tremendous amount of success in whatever field that you
that you're in, right, Yeah, And so you know, for men,
the way I would it would you know challenge that is,
you only sort of know one way and there's a

(39:14):
lot of other ways, right, And so if you're really
wed to this specific thing that you think is good
for your life. How is your partner experiencing her pleasure?

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Right? Do you care about your partner experiencing her pleasure
or not? Right? What would it do for you if
your partner was getting more and more orgasms? Like?

Speaker 4 (39:29):
Are you a man that actually successfully like knows how
to like skillfully have sex with a woman?

Speaker 3 (39:34):
Right? Like all that sort of stuff. It does matter.

Speaker 4 (39:37):
Men care about their capacity to perform right deep down.
They may not stay on the outside, but we want
to give our partners pleasure. We just don't necessarily learn
the way to do it right. Right, And so if
the way that you've been doing it thus far in
your life has resulted in like a certain outcome, right,
well analyze that outcome.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
Is that actually what you want? Or deep down and
you're like, oh.

Speaker 4 (40:01):
Man, I'd actually really love to be able to like
skillfully make love to my wife, my partner, my girlfriend,
whatever it is, right.

Speaker 3 (40:09):
And.

Speaker 4 (40:11):
These practices will allow you to do that. And they
may be restrictive or disciplined at first, but guys like routine,
they like structure, they like discipline.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
That's what meant. That's or we're very linear in earth
thought process.

Speaker 4 (40:23):
So it's like, if you're gonna do this, You're gonna
get this result, right, and that's that's it's a very
clear line, you know. And so that's what I would say,
is like there's another there's a variety of other ways
and other paths. So you have to analyze where you're
at and like look at it objectively as possible and
then say, okay, cool, maybe I'll try something different. And
then you expand your capacity in your life, right, and

(40:45):
you expand your capacity of knowledge and wisdom and learning,
and then you just have more tools than your toolbox.

Speaker 3 (40:50):
Right. So it's like if you're just a.

Speaker 4 (40:51):
One dimensional guys doing missionary and getting off like super boring,
women don't really want that, like and and also like
there's just more for you.

Speaker 3 (41:00):
So I would just say, like there's there's.

Speaker 4 (41:01):
Much more available for men out there when they start
mastering their own sexual energy and their own sexual discipline,
because then you become a super powerful guy. You walk
into a room and the energy is potent. Everyone can
feel it. Women can feel it, men can feel it. Yeah, Right,
Like you've walked into rooms where like you see a
guy and like, okay, he's there's an energy coming from him, right,

(41:25):
you know, So personally, Like if I am self pleasuring
and I'm like, you know, before I go out or
something like that, and I don't release, but I've cultivated
that energy and I bring it up inside. The energy
I get from women when I am out is significantly
more than when I release or when I don't do
it at all.

Speaker 2 (41:44):
I would leave that like one. Yeah, energy is everything,
and people I feel like we don't talk about that
in our culture, but especially as I'm listening to talk
about the build up and what that would cultivate within you,
I could totally see where you would be draw just
it's something that matches that vibration. If you go out

(42:04):
in the world.

Speaker 4 (42:05):
Absolutely you know, it's like if I don't if I
didn't self pleasure, it's neutral. There's no positive or negative, right,
And you go out and you're doing your thing, and
the energy that you're giving out is the energy that
you're giving out. If you cultivate that energy and then
you don't release it, that energy is inside you around you.
It's you know, that's how it works. And so you

(42:25):
go out in the world and like there's like this
bubble of like powerful energy around it and like people
can feel it. You know and you can feel it.
You're like you're more lit, you're more alive. Yeah, and
then the alternative is like, you know, you self pleasure
and then you release and you sort of have that
like and then you go out in the world and
it's like, Okay, does it mean.

Speaker 3 (42:43):
That people aren't going to be drawn to you?

Speaker 4 (42:45):
It just means that they're not going to be as
drawn to you because you haven't cultivated this like powerful
energy bubble around you of like you know that's directly
correlated to.

Speaker 3 (42:54):
That sexual energy. It's the most powerful energy that exists
on the planet.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
Yeah. I would say you touched on men not knowing
how to please a woman or not being taught, and
I often think that also comes from women not knowing
how to find pleasure themselves. And so I love that
we're talking about the self pleasure aspect because you're not
saying don't do that, but you were bringing up maybe
the use of porn with it. So is there ever

(43:21):
a time and place for porn for people listening who
are like, I don't want to give up my porn completely, Like,
is there any way that you can bring that into
relationships to your personal life or or and also what
about masturbation in general, Like do you have different like
what's too much, what's the right amount to cultivate all

(43:41):
of this?

Speaker 4 (43:42):
So for men on the on the on the porn front,
I generally tell guys to stop watching porn altogether. That's
like my general rule because what you're talking about is
like a very small percentage of like guys who watch
porn once every four months and they're with a partner

(44:04):
and it's like, let's have a fun experience, let's watch
this and whatever. They're not getting in trained, they're not
getting that dopamine stuff. They're not It's it's too infrequent, right.
What I'm more referring to is like guys that are
watching porn three or four times a day actively, yeah,
which is a significant amount of population really, and this
is globally, Like this.

Speaker 2 (44:20):
Is it has time for this.

Speaker 4 (44:22):
A lot of people remote work culture, you know, it's
really easy guys on their computers, right, so on your phones.
It's just so it's like you look up a web
any website, boom, you got it. And so that's my
general rule is like stop because in general, it ain't
helping you every now and then whatever, if you don't
have an issue with it, Like, sure, do your thing.

(44:44):
I don't have a problem with that. But what I
see is more just like the general population, like we
need to cut it back, like significantly in terms of masturbation.
For men, masturbation is totally fine. It's part of life.
Like we have energy, we do need to release it sometimes. Yeah,
there's a sort of like a sliding scale of the

(45:04):
frequency of release, and like how old you are and
what level of health you're in. Right, So as a
young guy, you're in your teens, in your twenties, like
you can release three times a day, and like you
still have that energy in that gusta I mean not
saying that you have to, but like you'll feel the
need to quite regularly. Yeah, as you get older, you
know that slowly sorts that, like it goes down and

(45:26):
down and down. So it's like, okay, now you can
do it once a day, and now you can do
it once every three days. Now you can do it
once every week. Right, Actually, releasing it doesn't mean you
can't be engaged in sexual activity. It just means the
actual release. So twenties and thirties, you know, twenties, it's
like one or two times a day is like, okay,
if you're healthy, thirties, I think it's like once a day, forties,
once every three days, fifties, et cetera.

Speaker 3 (45:48):
So just keeps going down.

Speaker 4 (45:50):
And again this is based off of like this concept
of maintaining that energy, the life force energy inside you
as much as you can because it gives you life
and it enables you to feel a certain way. So
if you're getting rid of that energy, again, it's not
it's not infinite. So masturbation is totally fine. And I
usually just say, like, don't watch porn. You know, you

(46:12):
can watch Instagram videos because there's a lot of softcore
porn on there anyway nowadays, or watch it get like
a static image or its best is like use your imagination, right,
because that's going to train you to be able to
like visualize things. You'll get more creative, you'll you know,
feel differently about it. And then when you're with a partner,
your your dopamine response isn't going to be so messed up,

(46:33):
right because you're just thinking about things in your brain.
And so that's that's generally what I say, But like, yeah,
it's totally fine and masturbate, you know, I'm not like
there's like no FAP communities where I think that the
best part about no FAP is and you know, no FAP.

Speaker 2 (46:48):
Is like I'm just assuming that means no master.

Speaker 4 (46:50):
Means no masturbation, no touching whatever. I'm not really an
advocate of it because I think like, if you don't
use it, you lose it. So you want to like
cultivate energy there regularly. But for people who have serious addictions,
it's good to do that. For like you know, sixteen
ninety days, where like you don't touch it, you're not
cultivating it. You're just like, Okay, let's get off of
this addiction to porn and move into something that's you know,

(47:12):
more healthy. So it's kind of like a bridge, like
a gateway. But after it's you know, out of your system.
You know, you should be you should be, you know,
cultivating the energy down there. You should be doing exercises,
you should be doing kekels. You should be you know,
you need to put energy towards it so that you
know how to use it when you're in a situation.
You know, if you don't ever touch it, you're just

(47:33):
like cool, I hope this guy worked well, right, you know,
but like, yeah, right.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
Like.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
Your scrat. Yeah, let's talk a little bit about sex
with a partner. And if you do find yourself in
a relationship or say you're a man that's working towards
this or you're a woman that's been working towards this
and you're together, can you kind of talk listeners through
that kind of sexual relationship can look like because I

(48:03):
think the only thing we see in our society is
the opposite, Like it's either the porn stuff or it's
a dysfunctional relationship. So I don't know that we have
these examples of what it could even be.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
Yeah, what a healthy sexual dynamic?

Speaker 4 (48:16):
Yeah, well, you know, I think first of all, sex
is the topic that is so programmed in our psychees
to either not talk about, or be shameful about, or
be embarrassed about, or not want to be vulnerable about. Right,
So it's really about like creating a safe space to
actually have a conversation about your desires. How often do

(48:36):
we actually say, like, what do you really love? Right
in this arena where you're not in the sexual experience,
you're actually outside of it, right and you're just having.

Speaker 3 (48:43):
A conversation with your partner.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
Oh, yeah, we don't.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
Right, So one is like actually sitting down and being.

Speaker 4 (48:48):
Like cool, like what do you love? Like what are
you really into? Like what's your wildest fantasy?

Speaker 3 (48:53):
Right?

Speaker 4 (48:53):
And you have to do it in a way where
it's non judgmental and you're not going to use it
against each other in an negative right, right, which is
sometimes can be challenging. Yeah, you know this concept of like,
oh well if you like that, then you're a whatever.
It's like, well, that's not fair, right. If you really
are into someone and you want to explore the boundaries
of what you can experience together and put yourselves in
this regard, then you have to come in with an

(49:15):
open mind. What I have found is that generally speaking,
women are much more open about having these types of
conversations than men are. Men can be a little bit
closed off sometimes men are in general like, we have
a lot of value and self worth that's tied to

(49:36):
our penis and it's tied to our capacity to perform.

Speaker 3 (49:40):
It's just a thing. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (49:42):
So if we tell y'all that's not going well, that's
super differensive.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
We get very offended.

Speaker 4 (49:48):
Yeah, and it may not be a big deal, but
it's like it's literally the most sensitive topic you could
possibly approach with a guy. It's going to be possibly
approach with a guy. Is his his penis?

Speaker 3 (50:01):
And his is that? Yeah? And his and his performance
performance capacity?

Speaker 4 (50:06):
Right?

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (50:07):
And so.

Speaker 4 (50:09):
You know, men, we were affected by you know, size,
by look, by appearance, you know, of that region of
our body.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
How well we know what we're doing?

Speaker 4 (50:19):
Right, we're not doing We don't want to want admit
that we don't really know what we're doing. But we
also were never taught. So it's like, well, how are
you expected to know anything if you never actually learned,
But you're learning from porn, which is teaching all the
wrong things. So it's like you're in this situation where
like you've never had proper education around it, so you're
not expected to know. But as a culture, as men,
we're like, yeah, we're supposed to know how to do
that stuff.

Speaker 3 (50:40):
Well, you don't have a master teaching you, right, Like,
then how do you learn? Right?

Speaker 4 (50:46):
You know, So having a conversation and creating a space
where it's like cool, like let's just throw some ideas
up on the table, like have you ever tried this?
And like go to chat Chepetin say like what are
the list of kinks? And you can print it out
and then you'd be like cool you into that? Or
like would you want to try that? And just go
through it and be like great, let's try that, or
getting some positions or like something like that getting a

(51:08):
book and it's like, oh, that's a cool position, let's
try that, And just like having that conversation where it's
about exploration. It's not about one partner doing worse or better.
It's about let's explore. Right, And again, like I talked about,
we scratch the surface of our sexual capacity, right, like kinks,
fetishes and BDSM like people kind of know about that,

(51:28):
but what about just like trying different positions right that
are outside of like the normal range, right, or.

Speaker 2 (51:34):
Like eye contact exactly, like it could be something really simple, right.

Speaker 4 (51:38):
It doesn't need to be even penetrative, right, talking about
a lot of this stuff in tntras, Like it's eye contact, right,
it's breathing, it's matching your breathing, it's you know, it's
it's just holding parts of each other's bodies. It's spooning,
it's just being having skin diskin contact for a long
periods of time, so you can feel connected to somebody else.
It's about credit intimacy. So there's that whole like before, during,

(52:00):
and after, right than when I talked about before. So
I think that's where it is. And and as a
woman the best So I get a lot of feedback
from women, like you know, I talked to my partner
about some of your content and it was super well
received and he really enjoyed, you know, hearing about it.

(52:20):
And now we're trying this new stuff. I'm like, that's amazing.
How did you do it? Like what was your approach,
what was your strategy? And a lot of them say
I started out sharing something with him that he's really
good at.

Speaker 2 (52:33):
Yeah, right, it's the sandwich technique.

Speaker 4 (52:36):
And then I said, here's some things that I'd love
to explore with you, right, and and so it's your
language and the situation and the tone and all that
sort of stuff is so important with the guy. You
have to remember men are are men can be quite sensitive.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
I actually think men are more sensitive than women.

Speaker 3 (52:53):
Probably especially in this area.

Speaker 4 (52:55):
Reappear as this like you know, bravado whatever, this and
that out in the world doing things, but like this
area is it's super super super hyper sensitive, and so
you just have to go through it with sort of
like kid gloves and just being really kind, really compassionate,
really supportive, stroking the ego. Even if he's not that
good at stuff, you just got to stroke the ego anyway.

(53:16):
So you kinda put a little bit of work into
it to make him feel like he feels safe. He
needs to feel safe, He needs to feel confident in
his skills, in his body image, in his capacity to
use his want, etc.

Speaker 3 (53:28):
All that stuff right right.

Speaker 4 (53:30):
When he feels safe and he doesn't feel like, you know,
he's being attacked or less than or not good, then
he'll be much of a more responsive.

Speaker 3 (53:40):
That's what I found.

Speaker 2 (53:41):
Yeah, I mean that makes the sandwich technique for anyone listening.
That's what you learn in therapy. It's like you start
with a good, you say the hard thing, and then
you do another good at the end, And it's so
much easier as a human to just receive information that way.
I think we don't take it personal as much. And
I know a lot of the feedback that I get
anytime we talk about sex on this podcast is from
people in long term relationships just saying like I feel

(54:06):
like I'm so disconnected from my partner, or like what
you've said a couple of times where you just get
in the space of going through the motions, like you
know how to get each other off. You do the
same positions every time to do that to get to
that outcome, and that's just really boring after time. So
do you have a way that you teach people to
approach it if they are far along in that spot?

(54:28):
And I guess that's kind of what you just said,
but like, is there more to it than.

Speaker 3 (54:33):
It's a good question?

Speaker 4 (54:34):
So I think the reality is you need to make
time for non goal oriented sex. Okay, Right, So if
the goal is usually like okay, cool, she gets off,
he gets off, et cetera, we do the same types
of things that should be fifty percent of your sexual activity,
but the other fifty percent should be like non goal oriented.
Let's explore, right, let's explore with each other. Let's try

(54:56):
this thing, let's try that thing. Taking time either going
on a trip or a staycation or something which changes
the scenery.

Speaker 3 (55:03):
Right, if you have children, you got to get out of.

Speaker 4 (55:04):
The house because children, when women are in the house,
they're never not going to be that same sexual way
their mom mode, right, and the dad's and dad mode.
So it's like finding time away from your typical environment.
So it's it's about changing the percentage of like goal
oriented sex into more exploratory experiences. It's changing your environment, right,
and it's changing sort of your attitudes about what it

(55:26):
is that you're doing. And you know, I think that's
usually the best thing to do, is just like oh cool,
like let's try something new. We're getting into the staleness
and being really comfortable with each other saying hey, we're
kind of in this rut and let's both work on
changing it, right, because you're together for a reason, right,

(55:47):
you want to be together hopefully moving forward. So what
are the things that you can do in order to
spice things up? You know, and then really diving into
like what what do you both like, like, you know,
pretending you both don't know each other and you're picking
each other they're up for the first time at a bar.
I mean, there's so many things that you can do, right,
you know. Yeah, so I would say that's a you know,

(56:08):
it's I mean, some people do it through like doing swinging,
which is another subject where there's other people involved, But
I think that if you're keeping the container of your
partnership sacred and that's not for you, then I mean,
it takes work. It takes a lot of effort, you know,
The relationship takes effort. The sexual part of it takes
a lot of effort, you know, and it can also
get hindered if you know, guys are having experienced with

(56:31):
not being able to function as well as they get older. Right,
So that's like, so they don't function as well, they're
going to avoid having sex, they don't function well, they're
not going to want to initiate and engage because they're
like nervous about their ability to perform. And so coming
to coming to your partner and being like, you know, hey,
I need to work on this, like this is something
I want, and like the partner needs to be incredibly compassionate,

(56:52):
right because most guys aren't going to come and be like, hey,
I'm having ed, you know.

Speaker 3 (56:56):
What do I do? They're going to hide it of course,
to say yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (57:01):
And I and I have a tremendous amount of compassion
for guys in that space because it's not it's not
a fun place to be, you know. And again, you
have to remember, like, you know, the man only has
one sexual part, right, and if that doesn't work, like,
what does that?

Speaker 3 (57:20):
What does that? How does that make him feel? Right?

Speaker 4 (57:23):
It leaks into every aspect of his life. It causes depression.
You know, ed causes depression. I mean it's it's because
you're like, wow, if this is my life for us,
this is like where my energy source is and it's
not working properly, this makes me feel terrible, right, And
so women need to also understand that, like that's the
source of their power, and if that source of power

(57:44):
is not functioning the way it's supposed.

Speaker 3 (57:46):
To do, it's going to affect every aspect of their life.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
To me, it's equitable to like a woman with fertility issues,
because that's the thing that we're supposed to be able
to do, you know, and then when you can't, it
feels I would think it would feel similar. So if
any women are listening, I think that's a really good comparison.
I have to touch on this because I saw it
on your Instagram and I need to know about this.
You say tips for like keeping it sexy if you're

(58:10):
in a relationship for women, do not get undressed in
front of your man unless you're having sex. Tell me
about that, because if you live with someone, how is
that possible?

Speaker 4 (58:20):
Well, two bathrooms is helpful, okay, of his and her bathroom.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (58:24):
The higher level point that I make is the less
familiarity you can have with your partner in terms of
their sexual in the sexual realm, the more turn on
there's going to be.

Speaker 2 (58:36):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (58:37):
So yeah, that's like that's just the thesis. Right.

Speaker 4 (58:42):
If you're like brushing your teeth while your your your
wife's going to the bathroom and you're seeing any it
just becomes this familiarity thing. It becomes less novel. And
for the guy and the dopamine or response, like, it's
just less novel. Yeah, he's always seeing his partner naked
or this or that. So I always say, like, you know,
if you can, right, try different things. That's just one

(59:02):
of the things that I say, like keep it separate,
keep it private, keep it sacred. You know when you're
you know, don't go to the bathroom in front of
your partner, right, don't brush your teeth. These sort of
mundane everyday things that just make you more human, Like
what if your partner only saw you when you were.
I mean, it's e from being sick again. It's like
a it's a it's a just an example. Yeah, like
what if your partner only saw you like dressed sexy

(59:23):
whatever it is, right, if you're living with someone you
have kids, obviously not going to happen, but try to
create as much of that as you can.

Speaker 2 (59:29):
That makes sense though, because it's like the beginning of
your relationship, which people are always so much more sexually
excited in. It seems exactly.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
But I think having his and her bathrooms is a
huge one.

Speaker 4 (59:39):
Yeah, that's like just as a general Yeah that like
you can if you only get dressed up for your partner,
you can. But you know, I have a friend of
mine who told me this about a woman who's married
to a gentleman. They've been married for like fifteen years.
She's never gotten changed in front of him once, and
they have an incredible sex life. They're super vibrant, like
they keep it super separate in and it you know,
but they also don't have kids. But yeah, it's you know,

(01:00:01):
children obviously changes things too, and you see people in
very different ways. But it just sort of like how
do we fight that familiarity?

Speaker 2 (01:00:07):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (01:00:08):
What are the little things that we can do that
create some separation there create the novelty and the sexual
same here.

Speaker 2 (01:00:15):
I hope you guys enjoyed part one of my conversation
with Jackson High Tower of Natural Jackson. He will be
back on The Edge episode this Friday answering all of
your questions, including how to overcome ed without viagra. He
also addressed a woman who is struggling to have an
orgasm with her partner and also just how to approach
and have those conversations with your partner to really build

(01:00:37):
the sex life that you want. Check it out this
Friday on the Edge.

Speaker 1 (01:00:42):
Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.