When the Female Orgasm Leaves Him Speechless (The Edge)

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I I how are you loaded?

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Question?

Speaker 1 (00:15):
My friend, I'm just kidding the fucking eclipse. Man. If
you haven't listened to our astrology podcast with Marv yet
and you're just feeling fine, I don't know what kind
of robot or alien you might be, but I think
everyone's kind of going through it in some capacity right now.
Hopefully it's good things. And for me it has been
like some really great realizations and releases that I need

(00:38):
to have or needed to have, and also just so
many tears. I told you, I'm like, I've cried every day.
I can't remember the last time I've cried. Crash though
probably released. It probably won't.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
Stand up on camera, but it is a party down bottom,
party down bottom in or sweatpants right now.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
You know, I'll show the people this is there.

Speaker 3 (00:58):
You go, oh, tell him the phrase that you coined.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
So for the listeners who are just listening on the
podcast and not watching on YouTube. I have on a
really cute vintaged tea and I got on Chip goes, oh,
you look so cute, and then I stood up and
I go, no, it's business up top party when you drop,
because it's so good.

Speaker 3 (01:19):
Team registered trademark all the.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
Thing I should. Should I make a shirt that says.

Speaker 4 (01:23):
That, I mean it kind of is amazing.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
I really could have capitalized during COVID like Zoomdred days,
because everyone did that, you know, you made sure the
top half was like good. So I'm a little late
to the game maybe, But anyway, that's about the level
we are today or I am. But this week on
the podcast, on Wednesday's podcast, we talked to Kim Anami,

(01:46):
and she is this amazing sex expert, but her stuff
is a little different to me because I find it,
you know, I can't say it's a blanket across the board.
I feel like most sex experts are very like pro
female sex and owning their sexuality and all of those
things in a good way, not just like pitching it
out to the world and kind of being like what

(02:08):
we would call maybe like a hoe you know, right
right a moment but it's free. Yeah, because like that's
not always actually the most empowered thing. If it is
for you, great, But like there's a lot of ways
that I think it can get a little bit twisted.
And I find that Kim's work is just so much
about embracing your own pleasure. So I really liked that. Like,
we've talked about the female orgasm. We talked about all

(02:31):
the different kinds of orgasms you can have. We talked
about when a woman is well fucked, like she coined
a term, the well fucked woman, and it's about the
way that a woman shows up in life and relationships
is so different when she's well fucked, like just she
just talks about it that way. It's amazing. Even talked
about how having orgasms as a woman can really help

(02:53):
with menopause symptoms. Wow.

Speaker 3 (02:58):
I mean, it's been a lot thom since I've been
with a woman, and chances are I mean, my memory
is foggy from college, but I don't know that anyone
ever reached orgasm but me.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
You know, it's shocking to me right now, is of
all people, you're gonna sit here and have the audacity
to tell me that we can't talk about this topic
that you pretend to know so much. We've told the listeners.

Speaker 4 (03:23):
That breaking out into a culture.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
He literally, his face is right right now. We've told
the listeners about how much you only send me memes
or videos that are like about a vagina pretty much
lots of clans. Why don't you do the noise that
you do. We can hear it. Do it one more song?
There you go, because you keep doing it over me talking,

(03:46):
say it one more to do? I actually think Zoom
is meeting you for Yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:54):
It probably is like what is that earthquake sound?

Speaker 1 (03:56):
So you guys might have to go watch that on YouTube. Yeah,
Ship likes like he's an expert on vaginas all the time.
So the audacity for you right now?

Speaker 3 (04:05):
Well, I'm I guess my cover is blown and I
don't know that lot of this topic.

Speaker 4 (04:11):
So should I step out of the room?

Speaker 1 (04:14):
You know what, let's not waste the listener's time. I
actually have an episode that you did contribute to when
you still were thinking or acting like you knew everything
about vaginas. It's with one of our favorite sex experts,
Susan Bratton. So this week on the podcast is just
all about sex. Let's talk about sex, baby, but Susan.
Susan also gives a very empowered version of sex and

(04:37):
it's a little bit more across the board. She was
one of our favorite guests of all times. So here's
that episode. Basically, I went to Suthan, I love your
story about not being satisfied at forty and finding a
way to really include sex and enhance sex in your marriage,
and you said, oh, I still deal with that. My
pussy's never satisfied.

Speaker 2 (04:57):
Never satisfied. The minute she's satisfied, she's all purring and happy,
and then two hours later she's like, I'm not kidding enough.
I don't know what it is, but she's jealous, she's judgmental,
she's ornery, she's bossy, she's sassy, she's hungry. She's like, ah,

(05:19):
living with this thing in my pants. I mean guys,
we think guys are the only ones that have experience
like this where they like can't control themselves. Just the
other day, I found myself giving my husband a shit test,
and I'm like, oh, that's a shit test. How did
I do that? Like I thought I was so involved
that I could go not do these. It's ridiculous. What's

(05:42):
a fundamental our physiology is? Oh, I don't know. When
you're like, well, you obviously don't love me, you would
have you know whatever, I don't know. I don't even
remember what it was. I'm really bad. I'm one of
those kind of people where I can have like a
knockdown drag outfight, I get it all out of me,
I'm all done, and then the other person can remember
every single word I said forever and I can't remember.

(06:05):
Don't you hate that?

Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yes, I'm actually the person that remembers every single word though,
so you and I would really go at it.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
Do then I want to disadvantage.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
Yes, yes, I'm a cancer and that's like a huge
part of our personality. So there you.

Speaker 2 (06:22):
Go, Lucky.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
I try not to when I'm in my evolved self. Yes,
I mean it's hard.

Speaker 3 (06:31):
Susan listen, if she does, she's good about being.

Speaker 2 (06:36):
Called out on it, so this is true.

Speaker 1 (06:38):
I can take criticism. So there you go. Well we
are here with Susan Bratton. That was quite the introduction.
I'm sure people are like, what is happening right now?
But you're an intimacy expert and coach and I want
to talk through a lot of coach. I'm sorry, an
intimacy expert. Would that be the proper The reason I say.

Speaker 2 (06:58):
I'm not a coach is that I don't do any
one on one work. I have to run a publishing
company where I've published passionate love making techniques and bedroom
communication skills, so Basically, I'm like, I give you the DIY,
I give you the workshop in a box if you will,
And I give you the videos, the audios, the ebooks,
the workbooks to work your shit out yourself, yeah, step

(07:20):
by step by step, or to learn new skills and
increment your knowledge yourself so you can do what I
like to call transforming having sex into making love. Kind
of my thing is heart connected love making techniques, which
include communication skills.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
Well, I think that's a really good place to start.
So what would you say are the main differences between
love making and just having sex?

Speaker 2 (07:47):
Well, I think that having sex is kind of like
a friction event. You know, it's like, okay, if we
rub our parts together, whatever parts they are, we'll get
to have orgasms, hopefully please God. Right, And that's not
intimate connection. The reason I say that I'm an intimacy
expert is that when you have heart connection, when you

(08:11):
can look each other in the eyes instead of having sex,
that is, you know, your eyes are closed and you're
checked out and you're just feeling it and they're just
feeling it. That's not that's not intimacy. When you don't
hold each other and stroke each other's bodies, when you
don't cherish the person, if you're not deep breathing, if

(08:32):
that's not you know, if you're not just like really
connecting with each other's breath and being super close and
having really sexy kissing and rubbing your hands all over
your lover because they feel so good to you. Those
are what I would consider heart connected, and the other
piece of my kind of little phrase heart connected. Conscious

(08:54):
love making techniques is conscious means the communication piece. It
means I'm here, I'm with you, I've chosen you, I'm present,
I'm invested in our love making. I'm I'm here through
the fix and the thins, the rocky moments when your
yoni gets cranky and it's all bitchy or whatever it

(09:16):
might be. That's the conscious piece, which is that I'm
not ashamed about my sex. I'm surrendered to my pleasure
with you. I'm not trying to suck my stomach in,
I'm not fake, I'm not performative. I mean, one of
the things that I think pornography has done is that
it's really hurt sex because pornography's made for men to

(09:39):
jerk off too, because men need to keep their sperm
topped off because at any moment they're going to be
called on to perform, and they can't tell. In the
heterosexual world, they can't tell when their woman is going
to want them because she's on this moon cycle, so
they got to be ready. So that's why they're so

(10:01):
driven to masturbate. So porn grew up to provide the
things that they want to watch to get off. But
then everybody thinks that's what sex is, and it ends
up being performance and friction rather than what I think
lovers want, which is intimacy, connection, surrender to pleasure, a

(10:22):
co mingling of orgasmic pleasure, multiple male orgasm, full body
energy orgasms, touching you everywhere, not having shame, having joy
and pleasure and laughter and touch and fun. And so
the conscious piece of it is, I'm totally showing up
in my heart and my connection for you right now

(10:46):
in this moment of our love making.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
Yeah, I love that. I have a friend who says
that a lot of the things like that pornography kind
of provides for our culture has made our culture think,
is that basically to people masturbating together is sex, and
it's like, that's not at all the connection I just
heard you talk about which, like, I want that? That
sounds amazing.

Speaker 3 (11:09):
Is that possible in a casual setting or do you
think that's only possible in sort of a zoned in
relationship where the people fully know each other.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
I think it's possible to have casual, heart connected sex
because I think what you bring is your vulnerability and
a loving heart and soul to the person in the moment,
and you can have that. I mean, you've had one
night stance that touched your heart, You've had a long
fuck fest flings in remote perhaps Jamaica.

Speaker 1 (11:43):
I'm going to Jamaica, and that's why.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
I said that, Like Church Lady, Jamaica's kind of manifest
it for me. I'm manifesting for you. What do you want?
What would be like the perfect you're making sexual fantasy?

Speaker 1 (12:02):
Actually, I'm doing an intentional celibacy right now, and so
for me it would only involve myself.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
Susan, all right, great, So you need to take the
four different kinds of vibrators that I recommend for women
for orgasmic cross training.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
Oh now this is getting into Yeah.

Speaker 4 (12:20):
I didn't care about this.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
I want to know what they are, of course I do.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
Well. The first one, of course, we all know there's vibrators, right,
so some kinds of vibrators. There's vibrators that are buzzy
and vibrators that are rumbling and things like that, and
that's great. The second kind is what's called a thruster,
and a thruster is actually a vibrator that goes inside
you and it rocks back and forth, so it's kind

(12:46):
of like intercourse done for you. Yeah, I can tickle
the G spot at the same time, and it can
be hands free, so you could you could be playing
with your own breasts while the thruster is doing its
thing to you. Those are really good for women who
haven't been actively sexual recently and they're like, I hope
this thing's not broken. You know, you got to get

(13:06):
some blood flow going.

Speaker 1 (13:07):
To get the cobs out of there.

Speaker 2 (13:09):
It's right, yeah, thrust the cob webs out. And then
there's what's called an air stimulatory and that is kind
of the Womanizers, the most famous brand. It's like the
it sucks and blows the clitter.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
Oh yes, yes, yes, those are nice.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
And they have a new one called the Duo, which
actually also has a G spot vibrator, so you can
get your clip sucked while you're vibrating your G spot
at the same time, and that's a really nice blended orgasm.

Speaker 1 (13:39):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
And then the fourth kind is essentially a motor boat
for your clip. It's like a liquor. And my favorite
one of those is called the Volta by fun Factory.
That's a really nice one. So if you have all
these different types of sex tools, something to stimulate your

(14:02):
G spots, something to stimulate your clitters, something that goes
inside your vagina, something that goes outside, something that's a
big buzz, something that's a small kind of buzz or
big rumble, a small buzz, you know, something super power
packed air stimulate. You know, you've got all this different stuff.
Number one thing it does is it teaches your body
how to come from a lot of different stimulation, which

(14:22):
means you just generally become a better comer so that
when you're with a partner, you're able to come more easily.
A lot of people think I'm funny. I'm writing an
article for a website right now about how sex toys
don't decrease your orgasmic ability, they increase it even when

(14:43):
you're with a partner.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
Okay, that's so interesting. I'm sorry to cut you off.
I'd have always heard that that, Like, if you were
using a vibrator when you're by yourself, then you're going
to have a harder time orgasming with your partner because
you get so used to that artificial stimulation.

Speaker 2 (14:59):
That's how learning how to come from different types of
stimulation is the trick, right, So we start to cross
train with different vibrators. Usually people have one path to
orgasm when they start, because orgasms are a learned skill.
I mean, there are twenty kinds of orgasms for the
male body for chip look for the female for twenty yeah,

(15:20):
and the twentieth one is wild card, so it's really unlimited.
There are ways people are coming that I haven't even
heard about, and I heard about a lot of them.
So what's great is I mean, whether you're an XX
or x Y chromosome person, no matter where you are
across the gender spectrum, all sexual gender identity expression, it

(15:40):
doesn't really matter what it is because we come the
same way, the masculine and feminine bodies. The different genders
come the same way. Men have a prostate, women have
a g spot, women have an inni in their vagina
where we go internal. Men are external with their penis,
but we still all can have nipplegasms and throatgasms and

(16:04):
footgasms and be coorgasms or belly gasms. We can have
orgasms from prostate stimulation, from penis stimulation. Men can be
multi orgasmic, they can have full body orgasms. I mean,
there's so many different kinds of and what's interesting is
that there's actually three categories of orgasms. There's the places
to touch, which is a lot of what I've been listening,

(16:26):
and each time, if you start out with the one way,
you come like some guys. Some guys stroke they're penis
just at the base and hardly touch the top. Other
guys they're just really at the top. Other guys super
light touch, got to get the ball. Other guys are
like it's got to be like practically you're squeeze, you're
squeezing it to death. And then you know, so everybody

(16:48):
has such a different experience. But the touch locations are
one thing. And then there's the kind of techniques like
becoming the multi orgasmic man without you know, learning to
have orgasms without ejaculating, because they're two separate systems in
the body. So any man can come and come and

(17:09):
come and come and come. Any male body penis owner
can have unlimited orgasms, and then he can choose when
he wants to ejaculate. He can gain ejaculatory choice, so
that or you know, expanded orgasm practice learning how to
get into an orgasm and take that moment of climax
and just stretch time out like taffy. Any body can

(17:33):
do that. You can come and come and come. These
are all learned skills, including the third kind of orgasms,
which are orgasms that are generated from objects, whether those
be you know, still letto heels get me off, or
I love leather chaps, or I'm sitting on a scybyan
or I have these sex toys or whatever it is.

(17:54):
They really can create orgasmic release for you. So when
you learn orgasm, you usually have one way you start.
But then if you keep trying, and if you're aware
that there are all these orgasms and you are the
kind of person who wants to have those experiences, then
it's as simple as learning how to do it. It's

(18:16):
like once you know that it's there and you know
how to do it, your body is available to have it.
I did a series this summer called Come with Me
The Twenty Kinds of Orgasms, and I describe that to
have each one so you can just start adding to
your skill set.

Speaker 3 (18:36):
Yeah, so is this a mental or a physical thing?

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Like?

Speaker 4 (18:40):
How? Yeah? I mean, can you walk us through like
some of them.

Speaker 3 (18:45):
I'm just I'm curious because it's.

Speaker 1 (18:47):
Like, well she did she just an example of what?

Speaker 3 (18:50):
Yeah, like how to relearn something I don't know? Like
if if you as a male, if you feel like
you're about to ejaculate, how do you extend that is
not a physical thing?

Speaker 4 (19:02):
How's that mental? Well?

Speaker 2 (19:04):
The first thing that's mental about it is that you
have to understand that ejaculation and orgasm are separate systems
in the male body. So most guys think, when I
have an orgasm, I ejaculate. That's just how it is. Yeah,
it's not just what you do because you learn that
because that's what's endemic in our culture. But the Taoists

(19:26):
have been separating ejaculation in orgasm for thousands of years,
you know. So then you're like, oh, okay, so I
don't actually have to ejaculate, and I can have an
orgasm in my body, but ejaculate doesn't have to come
out of my penis. Okay, so how do I do that?
So one of my programs, it's called the Multi Orgasmic
Lover for Men, which teaches men a whole series of things.

(19:48):
The first is to be present because for a lot
of men, they've trained themselves. They started masturbating at an
early age, and they did it furtively, and they did
it quickly, and so men have kind of trained themselves
to come fast. Men's number one sexual problem is that
they come too fast. Women's number one sexual problem is

(20:10):
that they can't come right. It's like we're so at
the opposite ends of the spectrum, and yet we can
all come the same, and they're all learned skills. So
what I like to do is just make people aware.
And what you're aware, I call myself an orgasma knot
like an astronaut that goes to the far.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
Is a fucking epic. I love that.

Speaker 2 (20:33):
Silver Lemmace jumpsuit, of course, naturally super cute spaceship with
very sexy modern futurisms.

Speaker 1 (20:43):
You should be yes.

Speaker 2 (20:46):
And once someone shows you the map to the territory,
when some tells you it's possible and shows you how
to do it, then you can start practicing. So the
Multi Orgasmic Lover for Men program which you can get
at tuning or tip dot com. The tuning fork concept
is that once you bring once, you can get beyond

(21:07):
worrying about coming too fast with these techniques which I'm
about to tell you, and you can bring your presence
to your partner. Then you can show your turn on
because it's not going to make you come too fast.
And when you show your arousal, then that turns your
partner on. Just like you're holding two tuning forks and

(21:29):
you wrap one against something hard and hold it against
the other one and the other one starts to resonate.
That's how turn on is the hotter the person, you know,
the sexier and more turned on one person is and
shows that that allows the other person to get into
their turn on more until you're really getting turned on together. Wow,

(21:52):
So you have Yeah, you have to learn to separate
orgasm from ejaculation. And essentially what you do is you
learn how to do this during masturbation, but then you
can use this during intercourse or penetration I will just
say penetration. And the way that it works is you

(22:16):
start to stimulate yourself and you get yourself close to coming,
but then you learn to back off and you learn
how to take yourself up and down your arousal ladder.
And you do that through something we call the mee breath,
and the mee breath is a squeezing, a breath and

(22:37):
a thrusting technique. The squeeze helps you keep from ejaculating.
The breathing makes everything calm down when you're getting close
to that point of no return. And the thrust is
actually a hip rock that allows you to calm down

(22:59):
the pelvis while continuing to deliver pleasure to your partner.
That you can do while you're doing the squeezing and
the breathing and to pull your arousal back while you're
staying present with your partner. And it's a learned skill
that you start with step one and you build. It's
kind of like a golf swing or learning how to
drive a car. When you started learning how to drive

(23:22):
a car, you were looking out the front, you were
looking in the rear view mirror, you were learning how
to shift. You had your foot on the gas, your
foot foot on the brake. It's a lot of things,
and you're like sixteen or fifteen or whenever you learn
how to drive, and you're like, this is a lot
of stuff I have the dooel it wants. And that's
how learning to become a multirogasmic ban is. You go
from being able to calm down your urge to ejaculate

(23:44):
to being able to gain ejaculatory choice and to be
able to draw the turn on in to your body
and up your body through breath and awareness and spreading
the pleasure rather than it exit out your body. You
can come whenever you want to. You don't have it's

(24:05):
not Seaman retention. It's just being able to control. It's
like owning the gassing and the breaking of your turn
on system in your body.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
It's so interesting to me to listen to you talk
about this stuff. Well, first of all, I was sitting
here thinking, happy Friday morning, y'all, and then they're like
what wow. But the second thing I'm thinking is there's
so much intention behind what you're saying, Like you can
practice this technique, you can learn about this. There's so
many other factors and facets to our bodies that we're

(24:46):
even talking about. And like, sort of to go back
to the porn thing, we're just talking about like bumping
up against each other till we come kind of thing.
And it's like the reason people probably get bored in
sex and their relationships is because they're not diving deeper
in to the stuff. Like you're saying, like, we don't
practice sex or learning about sex in the same way
we do anything else in our lives. It's so kind

(25:09):
of crazy that we just like missed the mark on
this thing.

Speaker 4 (25:12):
Well, it's almost like.

Speaker 3 (25:14):
We all feel like you have to come into a
relationship a professional and be madd it already rather than
figuring out how to make sex with your partner the
best that it can be because everyone performs differently. So
it's like, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Right, You've already talked about how moody your pussy is.
I'm sure she's different every day.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
She's a cunt.

Speaker 1 (25:43):
Well, actually I want to work take that yeah, take
that topic though a little bit. Because the way that
I found you, I was listening to you on another
podcast and you were talking about your story and you
said your whole business started when you were what the
age of forty? Is that accurate? Because you were unsatisfied
in your own sexual relationship with your husband and this

(26:05):
is not a knock on him, because I think it's shifting.

Speaker 2 (26:08):
We just didn't know. We didn't know exactly.

Speaker 1 (26:10):
And so talk us through your journey and how that started,
what you were going through then, what you were bumping
up against in your marriage.

Speaker 2 (26:17):
Well, when I was in my early forties and i'd
been married for about a decade to my husband, I
really wasn't enjoying having sex with him because at the time,
sex for us was intercourse and I mean I could
get myself off with a vibrator, so it wasn't that
I couldn't come, but I wasn't coming from intercourse, and
I just wanted less and less and less of it
over the years because it really just wasn't that satisfying

(26:38):
for me. I felt, honestly like a masturbatory sock, like
he could have just masturbated into He was just masturbating
into me. He was getting off that I wasn't. And
doctor Lorie Mintz did a TED talk called the Orgasm
Gap about how easy it is for men to come
during penetration and how difficult it is for women to
come from penetration, and what I think is interesting about that,

(27:00):
That is what I said earlier men come too fast
and women take forever to get there. And a part
of that is that men have some natural competitive advantages sexually, okay,
which is why I think gay men have such great
sex because there are a few stumbling blocks that aren't
in the way for them because they're on the same
page physiologically, and that is that men are testosterone dominant,

(27:24):
which is the hormone of sex drive, so they're both
hornier than two women who would get together. That's why
there's such a thing as lesbian bed death right. And
women we go through this twenty eight day moon cycle,
so we go into astris and we have, you know,
our kind of five day horny window, and we're willing
to have sex at other times, but we tend to

(27:45):
be more more warning on certain days than others, where
men are more steady state horny every day if they're healthy.
And then for the masculine, because he's got that audi
that penis with three long shafts, essentially, these these spongy
shafts that they're so long and straight it's like a
straight shot. They just the blood goes down into their

(28:07):
pelvic bowl and it shoots right in and gives them
a big heart on rural fast where a female anatomy
it's more like a pachinko game. It's it's it's like
I always say, it's like an English muffin. You have.
This is our erectile tissue network is completely circling our
vaginal opening. So we have all this erectile tissue, but

(28:31):
it's it's like nooks and crannies where it just takes
a while for the blood to get into those nooks
and crannies. And so often women are having penetrative sex
way before they're fully in gorged, so they're basically having
flaccid or non erective sex. And if you think about
what an erection is, it's a stiffy that goes from

(28:53):
you being small to you being big, and when you're big,
you've got all the surface area sending all these signals
of pleasure to the brain, which is why guys come
too fast because it got all these pleasure signals where
she needs all this time to get turned on, and
then when her yoni is nice and plump and fluffed up,

(29:13):
then the pleasure signals start going. That's why day two
sex is often better for women than day one sex.
Or like if you have a weekend's worth of sex.
The orgasms at the on Sunday are better than the
ones on Friday because you've gotten the blood flow going.
But we didn't know this. Nobody knows these things. And
so we were having sex. He was ready to go.

(29:33):
He penetrate me, he'd orgasm. I wasn't even turned on yet, right,
I didn't know, And so this is all hindsight is
twenty twenty. What happened was we said, all right, well,
we see all our friends getting divorced, and we know
it's not money for them either, because we were all employed,
we all had good jobs, and we knew it was sexuality.
And we're like, we're not going to be one of

(29:54):
those people. We're not getting divorced. We're great together. We're
best friends. We are we're so we're good together. Let's
not fuck this up over sex. Let's go learn how
to have sex. At you learn everything, so let's go
learn how to do it. So we ended up because
we live in the Bay Area of California, and so

(30:15):
we live in kind of the nexus of human potential
and sexuality, and so we started enrolling in sex workshops
and we learned how to have female ejaculatory orgasms. We
did seven levels of the Human Awareness Institute of Sex,
Love and Intimacy. We did orgasmic meditation, we did Ton

(30:35):
Trick workshops, and we just started feeling more comfortable about
our sexuality. I had never even looked at my cranky
little Yoni before I was forty two. I mean, I
took compete now and then, but I was all like,
I don't know, it's got weird now there. Now it's like,
she's a magnificent creature. Behold, and I love everything about

(30:56):
my Yoni, and I love how beautiful she is and
all the changes she go through. And I just and
and she's more juicy and alive and activated. And I'm
sixty years old than she's ever been. And so what
I've realized, what we realized, was that we quickly got
very good in bed. I started having orgasms, and then
I was like, what other kinds of orgasms gonna have?

(31:18):
You know? And that's what healed Our relationship was just
learning how to have great sex together. And we had
such good sex, and we learned it so quickly that
we were like, what the what we need to put
this stuff on the interwebs, so anyone anywhere in the
world who's a sexual seeker can come and download the

(31:40):
programs and learn from home, because very few people are
going to go to northern California and get naked and
go to a sex workshop for thousands of dollars. I mean,
we spent thirty grand in our sexual education just going
to everything Walking on Fire with Tony Robbins and you know,
like everything. It was a massive time. I'm of massive

(32:00):
personal growth for us and your sexual growth. Is this
the other side of the same coin as your personal growth.
If you're a personal growth mindset person, you're like, well,
I should learn something about sex to then. I mean,
this all this entrepreneurial stuff I'm doing in the morning
with my meditation and my ice bath and all this stuff,
maybe I should learn how to stroke a pussy there's
a good idea, right, Or how to stroke a cock,

(32:24):
there's a good idea. So that's what we did. We
started a business together because we had such a renaissance
of our relationship.

Speaker 1 (32:32):
I love that it's tied because I mean, I think
there's a lot of people in our culture, and I
know probably a lot of people listening to this podcast
that can get you know, kind of uncomfortable with these topics.
And I'm actually coming into the phase like what you
just described of where I'm curious and I'm like open
and just wanting to learn more and not feel shame

(32:52):
around sex or my body or anything like that. And
I'm a person who truly desires deep connection. And so
for me, it's not like I want to go out
and just have sex with a bunch of random people
like I would like to be exploring this with a
partner like what you're describing, And so I want to
make sure that people understand I guess, like that whole
piece of it, because it's like, do you bump up

(33:14):
against a lot of people just being scared of the
topic of sex.

Speaker 4 (33:18):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (33:18):
Yeah, our culture is so religiously repressed, societally repressed, slut
shamed yeh ti LBTQ. We're basically screwing up everything about
our sexuality in our culture. Thank god, there's some of
us who are actually willing to get together and talk
about it and you even do it. Yeah, So what

(33:42):
I realized early on, I mean, it's so funny people
said to me, Oh, you're in the sex business, Well,
sex cells, You're just gonna be you're gonna be a
trainaire because everybody loves sex. And I'm like, oh, contrare.
If you put one hundred people in the room, maybe
five or ten of them would be even willing to
learn how to make love. So it's just what I

(34:03):
do is I'm like, hey, if I appeal to you,
if you like the way I mean. The people who
like Susan Bratton are the people who are like, I
like you, could you just straight talk? I like you
because you let it out. I like it. Could you
give me steps? I like it because you give me hope.
And that's what I've really learned over the last nearly
twenty years is that my job is to inspire you,

(34:24):
to inform and educate you, and to cheer you on
and to let you know that it is possible. That's
why I'm not a coach or a therapist. What I
am as somebody who teaches you techniques that are going
to work. And once one works, and then you're like, oh,
she taught me something. I did it. It was fantastic.

(34:46):
What else does she have? And then they're like, oh, wow,
I've got a lifetime of learning ahead of me. Oh,
this is going to be fun. Because even me right
now today, after twenty years of doing it, trying it everything,
I still have things on my list that I want
to try that i'm doing that are new. Because what
you want in your twenties is different than your thirties, forties, fifty.

(35:09):
As you mature as your sexual As you go through
your sexual maturation, your desires change, what turns you on
change is like twenty years ago, I thought wearing lingerie
was like a disrespectful thing for women. Why should I
have to put on lingerie? And now I'm like, get

(35:32):
me some stripper shoes, Daddy, I'm all put them off
shirts and spanking. I was like spanking it just seems
so violent. I don't know why anyone would want to
do it. I would never want to be spanked for
Valentine's Day. I wanted us spanking for my present. I
just want to you know, all this stuff that's available
to us. We were like, oh, I'm into that. Ooh,

(35:55):
now I'm into this. Oh now that looks interesting. It's
like you can be a kid in the Sexual Candy
Story your whole life, and you can have great sex
till the day you die. We're born sexual and we
die sexual if we allow ourselves the pleasure.

Speaker 1 (36:10):
Yeah, I feel like so many people are just scared
of sex. Like Chip and I do one podcast each
month dedicated to sex, dating, relationships, or any any topics
that fall under kind of those categories. And the last
one we did a lot of the questions we got
were from people in marriages who hadn't had sex in
years or you know, and those were the kind of questions.

(36:32):
But the main underlying thing that I realized was like
they were not able to actually talk to their partner
about any of these issues, and they're like coming to
us to be like, hey, what do we do about this?
You know? And it's like, wait, if you're not talking
to your partner, why are you talking to us about it?

Speaker 2 (36:49):
Like?

Speaker 1 (36:50):
How important is communication in all of this stuff?

Speaker 2 (36:53):
It's the foundation. Your sexuality is a three legged stool.
The first leg is the sex techniques and the skills
and the knowledge and the awareness of what is possible.
The second leg is the communication skills, not only how
to ask for what you want confidently, but to know
that your partner is not going to take it as

(37:15):
criticism and is going to take it as valuable feedback.
Pearls of momentary wisdom to pleasure you better. And then
the third leg of the stool is actually your sexual health,
and that runs everything from STDs to UTIs and bladder
infections and prostate problems and directile dysfunction and painful sex

(37:40):
and all of the things that can happen to our
sexual plumbing systems. Because for a lot of people, one
of the programs that one of the free gifts I
give away, I give away a lot of free things
again to earn people's trust and to meet them where
they are. One of the things that I give away
is a technique called the magic Pill method, because what

(38:01):
I found is that when people stop having sex, they
hit a roadblock and they didn't know how to solve it,
and so because they couldn't have and it's usually penetration.
For whatever reason, I can't have penetration, I got long
haul COVID, I've got cancer, I've got ed, I've got
a million things. The one thing that people stop having

(38:25):
sex about that requires a therapist is betrayal. That's about
twenty percent of the time when people stop having sex,
it's because one person betrayed the other. And there's about
twenty percent of people it's always the eighty twenty the
Pareto principle. There's about twenty percent of people that just
cannot let go of things, they can't get over it,

(38:47):
and there are eighty percent that can work through betrayal
and go on to have good relationships again. But twenty percent,
like need some serious support in getting over it. But
then there's the whole other people who are its health emotional,
physical issues that often people think that oh, okay, I
can't have sex anymore because they're thinking sex is penetration,

(39:08):
or they don't know how to fix the problem that
they have. When there's so many solutions to genital pain
and issues and dysfunctions and all of those things, so
many ways to fix it. Gains, wave treatments, penis pumps,
the Phoenix Black, the vFit, gold PRP, the P shot,
the O shot, the CO two lasers, the RF devices.

(39:30):
I mean, there's just so many things that are very
easy fixes for sexual issues. And so when they hit
this obstacle, it's like they just stop having sex, they
stop touching each other, they become platonic, and then he
emotionally checks out, she emotionally checks out. They've lost their intimacy,
it's not as fun for them anymore, and ultimately they

(39:52):
either have a marriage where it's seated in deep frustration
and anger and resentment and rejection by one person, with
the other person basically just stone cold, emotionally checked out,
not even caring about what the other partner's going through
from this loss of intimacy. So the Magic Pill method

(40:12):
is a three step structure for communicating what you used
to do that you miss, what you could still do
even with your problems, and how to fix some of
the problems that you have so you can go back
to work in the whole list rather than part of
the list. People forget to compromise and work around and

(40:33):
solve and fix things. They just throw up their hands
and give up because they can't talk about it. So
I created the structure for safe conversation so couples could
work through it themselves. Ninety percent of things can be
solved without a therapist, but the therapists are fantastic for
those times when you just need some guidance.

Speaker 1 (40:55):
Yeah, it's so funny because yesterday when we were recording that,
I literally said to Chip, I mean, the only thing
I know how to say is like go get a
third party involved, and sometimes maybe a therapist does seem
a little extreme or intimidating to people. And so there
is an interesting idea here of like maybe it's something
that you can break down into these little steps or
even just start having the conversations to see where the

(41:18):
big issue is because there just has to be some
sort of communication.

Speaker 2 (41:23):
Well it all, yeah, and you can download oh sarchip
I was just going to say, you can download that
at magicpill method dot com a free Yeah, go.

Speaker 1 (41:32):
Check that out.

Speaker 3 (41:33):
What I was going to say is, you know, you
mentioned that there's a lot of shame around sex just
because of you know, our sort of Quaker ways in
the US. But I mean it's also true, or at
least it appears to me to be true, that people
who have a lot of sex are really good at
sex or put out that energy or there's like they're
put on a bit of a pedestal. And so I

(41:54):
would imagine that when there is a problem with sex
or it starts to die off, there's a around that too.

Speaker 4 (42:02):
So how do people get over that?

Speaker 3 (42:04):
I mean, it's so interesting because Kelly and we get
these questions all the time, and obviously we don't know.

Speaker 4 (42:10):
The intimate details of what's happening in their lives.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
Are just like, we stopped having sex eight months ago,
and it's like, well, are you talking about it? Like
it seems like the most obvious response is to be like, well,
talk about it and then you can figure it out.
But like, how do you get over that shame hump?

Speaker 2 (42:26):
Well, the only way you can do it is to
get really clear about what it is that you want,
what it is that you can do, and what it
is that you miss. And that's what the magic pill
method does is it helps you clarify your thoughts because generally,
when you're upset about something, you're emotionally flooded and it's
very difficult to even think clearly. So you can know
that you have a problem but not know what you want.

(42:48):
As the solution, like, Okay, you're pissed off, what do
you want? You know? Right? I don't know. I just
know what I'm getting, isn't it? That's very common, super
super common is I don't know what I want, so
I don't ask for anything because I just what am
I going to say? And the actual fact is that

(43:09):
you know what you want and you understand that your
body is wise, and you can listen to her or
him as well. You can listen to or they. You
can listen to your intuitive, the intuitive conversation of what
your body is telling you it needs. I need to
be held, I need to be fingerfucked, whatever it is.

(43:32):
And you want things, and so once you can get
clear about what they are, then you can find the
courage to share that with your partner. And if you
can find the courage, then you do need to have
some support. And my favorite place to send people for
sexuality therapy is the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists.

(43:58):
It's a sect aa ECT dot org and they have
a directory so you can find someone in your area
or just someone that you like who you could have
zoom calls with who can help guide you through releasing
your shame and asking for what you want and helping
you find your way to back Eleve.

Speaker 1 (44:28):
When we first started talking, you mentioned something about how
to know what you want in bed and how to
ask for it with confidence. And I think, especially as
a woman, I mean, and I don't know, I mean,
it's kind of interesting, like I'm thinking about this stuff
and I guessaid I'm about to be forty. You kind
of mentioned really getting to this discovery place with yourself
at forty. So I don't know if there's something around
that age group for women, but that is something, Well

(44:49):
tell me about that. That's the first thing. And then
there is just something that I know for me personally,
it has been a harder thing to be like I
need more of this or I like to communicate those things,
or to even be aware like you're talking about, of
like what I want because I'm so concerned usually with
like my partner enjoying it, that I haven't even been

(45:12):
able to think about that that's gotten better with age.
But I think that that's a very common thing amongst women.
So one talk me through this age thing is that
is that something at around the age of forty for women?
And then two would be how do we know what
we want? And then ask for it?

Speaker 2 (45:30):
I'll give you both of those answers. Okay, At first
I wanted to ask Chip how you do asking for
what you want?

Speaker 4 (45:38):
Am I good at it? Is that what you're asking
or do.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
You feel like you are able to ask for what
you want?

Speaker 4 (45:42):
I don't think I'm very good at it.

Speaker 2 (45:44):
Yeah, yeah, I don't think it's a women's issue. Okay,
it's a few perfect people, and I think we're all
in this together, and this allows us to bring our
vulnerable hearts and realize that none of us feel comfortable
asking for what we want, and none of us are
quite getting everything we want, and none of us are
quite sure what we want. One of the favorite things
that people love about me the most. I know that

(46:06):
sounds so conceited, but I don't care.

Speaker 1 (46:09):
I actually loved that about you that you just said that,
So there you go.

Speaker 2 (46:13):
One of the things that people love about me the
most is that I'm like a source of fun. I'm
a source of fun ideas because one of the things
that I found is that what people really want is
ideas for having more fun and pleasure together. I call
them erotic play dates. It's funny. Do I have it
right here? I think we moved it out of the background.
But I have this new thing I'm working on that's
called a sexual self assessment that you take this quiz

(46:37):
if you will, you take this questionnaire and it asks you,
you know, have you ever done any have you done this?
Have you done this? Have you done would you be
willing to do this. Would you be willing to do this?
Would you be willing to do this? Would you be
willing to do and then it gives you this list
of all of the things that you would be interested
in doing sexually, and then it has you label them ABC.

(46:57):
A is it's definitely going on my sexual bucket list.
B is I'd be open to doing it. It's I'm
not called to do it right now. It's not on
my bucket list. But if my partner wanted me to
do it with them, I would for sureseys do it
with them and give them that as a gift. That
sounds good. And my cee is, this is not for
me right now, although I would be willing to consider
it in the future, because you should always be willing
to consider everything, because you'll be surprised. I'd wear a

(47:18):
laundry and I like to gets baked. So you know,
it's we are evolving. If we're not, I mean, if
we're not evolving, what are we doing, We're dying. So
then you end up with rank ordering the things you
want to try most, and there's your list of things
to work on with yourself or your partner. It's super fun.
So when you're twenty. Everything is new. It's the blind

(47:40):
leading the blind. You don't know what you're doing. It's
all pretty good. You want some more. You probably don't
have as much as you want, but you know you're discovering.
You're having expirits. In your thirties, you're focusing on your career,
maybe you're having a family. You're kind of build, you're
in your building time. By the time you hit your
four years, you've got a little bit of a base

(48:01):
and you're beginning to look at your mortality. You see
it coming in the distance. You see you know, Andrew pause, menopause.
You see you start to look at your parents looking old,
and you're like, ooh, sheet it's now or never. By
the time you get to your fifties, you're like, it's
not now or never, but maybe I can push off dying.

(48:23):
But I still need to have great sex. And this
is when people start getting rid of the partner. This's
and satisfying them. They go back out into the dating world.
In this timeframe a lot and you know they're starting
over and there's a lot of fear, but there's a
lot of desire. By the time people get to their sixties,
they're usually quite proficient in bed. If they've kept up

(48:47):
with their sexuality, they're starting to be more relaxed, more vulnerable.
They're starting to realize that they don't have to have
body image issues, they don't need to be perfect, that
it's an impossible task, So let it go. I'll just
be who I am. And if you love me for that,
thank you so much. I love you back, you know.
And then by the time you're in your seventies, if
you've kept yourself in good health, you're having some good

(49:09):
sex with your partner. By the time you're in your eighties, you're.

Speaker 1 (49:12):
Like, look, Grandma and grandpa, where'st I mean, I love it? Yes,
So you have this arc.

Speaker 2 (49:20):
So for your forties, you are starting to realize that
you don't know what you don't know. You didn't get
all the satisfaction you wanted. You'd like to have some
more experiences. You want them to be on your terms.
And you're looking for partners or a partner. It can
be any number you Maybe you want to get more
experiences with more people. Maybe you don't and you just

(49:41):
want one partner. Maybe you want research partner. You know,
I don't know, Maybe you want you This is where
you're you know, doing a new gender expression or whatever
it might be. You know, oh, no, I want to
do Paulie. I want to date a bunch of people.
You know, you're you're more experimental because you're a little
bit more confident in yourself and your ability to deal
with whatever happened. Yeah, you know in your heart that

(50:02):
I'll be fine even if it gets all screwed up.
I'll be able to manage through it. Right, You've got
that sense of yourself. And in your thirties also, you're
super judgy. You're really judgy. It's a it's a time
of individuation that makes you very judgmental. By the time

(50:22):
you hit your forties that wanes a little bit. You
like people better. It's crazy. The tricks are hormones play
on us. So that's that's the story. Is by the
time you get to forty, you're like, well they're not
so bad. Yeah, everything was to be perfect.

Speaker 1 (50:39):
Yeah, I was just thinking too, there's a and I
don't know if this is like a societal thing or
the age thing, like I said, but there's a huge
part of me right now and this is just now
happening to me, and I'm almost forty. But that's like, Hey,
there's these parts of my body that were made for pleasure,
and why have I been not like like I think
i've almost maybe it's carried aim or maybe you know,

(51:01):
we grew up in the South and it's just like
a woman doesn't act a certain way, and there's all
these like rules around sex, and like I said, a
lot of it for me has been around pleasing my partner,
Whereas now I'm like, like really leaning into the fact
that I have these pleasure centers too, and I want
to maximize those.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
Girl, you got to get it.

Speaker 1 (51:19):
I mean, Okay, Susan she readying come my mom is
like Jesus, what's happening right now? Celibacy is over?

Speaker 2 (51:36):
No, I really do think you should consider having a
romance in Jamaica. It's not going to hurt you a bit.
You don't need to be intentionally celibate. You can be
intentionally finding a lover that you'll have fond memories about
for the rest of your life. And it can be
just an incredible moment or a series of days that

(52:00):
you never forget, and they could be a love of
your life. And so why would you be putting all
these conditions on your pleasure. Why not? Why wouldn't you
be just exalting in your pleasure and offering pleasure and
receiving pleasure and practicing those things with someone.

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Yeah, that's an interesting thought. I'll think about that. What
is the second part of the question, question?

Speaker 2 (52:25):
How do you ask for what you want?

Speaker 3 (52:27):
Oh?

Speaker 4 (52:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (52:27):
And so then how do you ask if? I mean,
if you're pushing this Jamaica thing, I need to know
right exactly?

Speaker 2 (52:33):
I know it's all me. I will take all the
boy fabulous that's soaked weak in Jamaica on me.

Speaker 4 (52:43):
You might Pandora's Box, Kelly's Box.

Speaker 1 (52:48):
Kelly's Box. Right, Wow, how did we get here? We ask? Yes?

Speaker 2 (53:01):
Okay? So one of my most popular books, and I've
written more than thirty five. I can't even keep up
with them in my bio. I don't even have the
time to count them all up. But one of them
is called sexual Soulmates, the Six Essentials for Connected Sex.
And in that one of the six essentials is the

(53:23):
communication technique for all communication techniques, and it's called the
sexual Soulmate Packed. Like an agreement, a pact, I give
it away for free at sexual Soulmatepacked dot com. So
if you like this, you can download it, because there's
more nuance than I'll be able to get to in

(53:43):
a podcast. But essentially, you download it, you read it,
you give it to your lover, they read it, you
have the discussion about the agreement, you make the agreement,
and you agree to try it and practice it. And
it's essentially this. We are Homo sapiens. And I've already
established the fact that though one of us has an
XX chromosome and the other has an X y, we
have all the same parts arranged in different order. Some

(54:05):
of us are lucky enough to have a little bit
more testosterone on a daily basis than others of us.
But we all want sex. We all have pleasure circuits,
we all have a rectile tissue. We all want to
be loved and connected with and well fucked and well comed.
That's what we want. And yet, the Homo sapien, if

(54:27):
you look in the tree of life with all of
the animals, there's the dolphins and the whales, and the
puppies and the ponies, and the bacterias and ladybugs and
all those things. There's a branch on that tree that's
called the Great ape there's the bonobos and the chimpanzees

(54:47):
and the orangutans and the Homo sapiens. That be you
and that be me. We beat a monkey's into tree,
so we live in an animal body. We are not
above the animal kingdom. We are in the animal kingdom.
We are animals. And when we are animals, it means
that our bodies are run on hormones, blood sugar, how

(55:08):
much sleep we got, whether we're depressed or not, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera. And that is a constantly moving
target about how much energy we have and how we feel.
That impacts what we want our sex to be like
in that date, in that date, that sex date, or
in that moment in that sex date, you could start

(55:31):
out feeling vulnerable, a little bit low, a little quiet,
a little introspective, and you could be held and loved
and kissed and stroked, and then your fluids can start
to run, and then you can let go of some emotion,
and then you can connect your hearts together and then

(55:52):
you can start making out, and then you can start
feeling more turn on, and then you can say, okay,
now would like to have my feet rubbed. My dick
sucked my back, rubbed my whatever. You know, you can
say what your body wants because it talks to you

(56:14):
all the time. You always know, oh god, I got
a fart coming out. Oh man, my right toe. I
heard it so bad the other day's stubbing it. You
always are scanning your body and knowing what's going on.
So all you have to do is understand that you
and your partner are these little animals that are constantly changing,
and that all that you need to do is feed
each other the information to know what the body is

(56:36):
asking for and what it wants in the moment your
partner is wanting to give you this. They just need
the clues and they can't read your mind. So you
must use your mouth. And I call it reporting in
from your animal. You live in this body. It is
your job because you have the mouth to say to
your partner what the body is asking for, and it

(56:58):
changes constantly. Oh and now I want this, Oh now
I want that a little higher, a little lower? Can
you twingle my right nipple harder? You know, whatever it
might be. The more feedback that you can give to
your partner, the more that they can do a great job.
The masculine especially wants he wants to win. He wants

(57:20):
you to respect him for the great job that he does.
He needs that feedback, but he fights you for it
because the testosterone coursing through his body makes him think
he's better in bed than he is. And the masculine culture.
This is from my friend doctor Terry Reel. Terry explains

(57:40):
that women are tribal and they have community and they
work together. Men work in a packing order, and if
you say something to them that they can strue as criticism,
which is pretty much any feedback you give them, then
they feel like you just made them go down in
the packing order. And then they fall apart and get

(58:02):
emotionally flooded and they check out and they're overwhelmed. And
so if a guy understands, oh, I see that's the
packing order. That's not me. I want the feedback. It's
just your body. I'm not doing anything wrong. You're actually
giving me what I need to do a great job.
I get that. And not only that, when you give
me the feedback, I'm gonna literally thank you. Yeah, when

(58:25):
you thank a person, especially the feminine, because and I'm
not saying man or woman, I'm saying the masculine feminine
now right, the feminine. The feminine needs encouragement because the
feminine has been so subjugated. She needs you to pull

(58:47):
her out. She needs you to know it's oh. She
needs to know it's okay with you if she tells
you things. And so when you thank her, thank you baby,
how is this you know? That lets her know it's
okay to say things to you. And it doesn't matter
where you are on the gender spectrum, but we all
need both of those things. We don't want to do

(59:09):
anything wrong. We want to be the winners. We want
to be respected and appreciated. We also want to be
adored and encouraged and found sexually irresistible. And we want
those things constantly and all the time during our love
making with each other. So the sexual soulmate pact is
the agreement that I'm going to listen to my little
animal tell you what he or she wants. You're going

(59:31):
to thank me for that and do a course correction,
or we're going to do something different or lighter or
softer or up or down or whatever it is, and
thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting to
give me what I need to know to give you
the pleasure I want to give.

Speaker 1 (59:59):
I love that thank you because I think that that
really helps it not become criticism. And also it's like
I was thinking about, like in long term relationships, it's
like you kind of learn, you know, the thing that
gets the person off or like it's like and so
then you get stuck in these ruts of just doing that,
like let's just go back to that one move, and
eventually that gets really boring. And I like what you're

(01:00:21):
saying about, Like our bodies are just different, and so
especially with women, the way our hormones work, it's like
certain times certain touch feels good and certain times other
touch feels good. And so I don't know what it
feels like to be a man, but I would imagine
there's similar feels good, mix feels good.

Speaker 4 (01:00:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:00:37):
Yeah, but I think that that is such a good
easy communication tip that that actually could make it really
exciting to share with your partner. Like when you're just like,
hey this, you know, add this to the regimen and
they say thank you. My ups guy just came as
I'm talking about what's happening here? Yeah, But I just

(01:01:01):
like that because then there's no shame. It's not like
you're doing something wrong, it's just like, hey, my body
wants something different today.

Speaker 4 (01:01:07):
Yeah, I have a question.

Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
So a lot of what we've talked about today has
sort of been from the perspective of, like, you know,
you have a partner, So how do you arrive at
sexual encounter as a single person. Maybe it is like
a weekends thing that Kelly's going to have in Jamaica.

Speaker 1 (01:01:26):
Maybe I love that this has become the thing.

Speaker 4 (01:01:29):
Maybe it's a one night fan.

Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
Maybe it is like the first time you're having sex
with someone that you've been dating.

Speaker 4 (01:01:34):
Like, how do you.

Speaker 3 (01:01:35):
Arrive at those opportunities or those moments and make them
like not sound like a freak?

Speaker 4 (01:01:42):
I mean, I don't know a better way.

Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
To like, Yeah, I give what you're saying.

Speaker 3 (01:01:45):
If if I start, if I went to have sex
with someone that had like your level of knowledge and
talk the way, I would be so freaked out.

Speaker 4 (01:01:53):
I'd be like I am in kindergarten.

Speaker 3 (01:01:56):
Yeah, you know, So how do you break down those
that those walls.

Speaker 2 (01:02:01):
Yeah, I think there's a couple of things. Number One,
you can say to them, you know, we're really just
it's our first time together, so let's have low expectations
and high laughs. Number one, you want to diffuse the energy.
The second thing you want to say is I love feedback,
and I want you to tell me anything and everything
all the time. I am always here for you and

(01:02:22):
your pleasure. And the more that you tell me things,
the more I'll thank you and be happy with it.
So don't worry about giving me any feedback at all,
because we just don't know each other. We don't know
what kind of touch we like, we don't know anything.
The second thing is that I think slowing down is
very important. You know, we were talking very early in
the episode about friction versus connection, and if we're just

(01:02:47):
having performative sex, I'm just going to stick my slot
a into your tab b. Then you miss the joy
of the connection. And I think slowing down and have
a lot of time for talking and holding and stroking
and connecting and exploring each other's bodies and expressing verbal

(01:03:11):
appreciation for their attractiveness to you. I really love this
about you. I love I love your hair. I love
the way you have it tipped blonde on the end.
Your your face is so handsome and masculine and beautiful,
and I love your voice. The sound of your voice
is so nice, and you just are so easy to
be with and such a such a you seem like

(01:03:32):
such a kind spirit. I'm really enjoying just relaxing with you.

Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
I'm sorry, Susan, are you kidding on tip right now?
I just I just had I was watching this happen.
I just needed to point it out to the listeners.

Speaker 4 (01:03:46):
The same room.

Speaker 2 (01:03:53):
Okay, I am a fabulous flirt.

Speaker 4 (01:03:58):
She's a pro. She just heard me straight.

Speaker 1 (01:04:02):
I never thought i'd see the day.

Speaker 2 (01:04:04):
Don't worry, Chip, I'm super switchy. Well, when you get
really good at sex, you can run the whole spectrum.
And I think that's another thing that you can look
forward to with your practice for sexuality. But the tips
for first time sex are what's off limits? What do

(01:04:25):
you like to do? What would you like to do
with me? Now? Any ideas you know, throw down some offers,
Let's make it a safe space. Let's communicate and learn
each other and appreciate each other and co create some
joy and you know, tell me anything. I'm good. That
kind of stuff can really bring people down and their worry,

(01:04:47):
because there as worried as you are. And then a
lot of grounding touch a lot of touching, squeezing, weight,
hands on, you know, you down so you don't fly away,
and your fears can be very good. Sensual massage is

(01:05:08):
a great place to start with a person. It's body exploration, grounding,
and coregulation. Yeah, so that helps a lot too.

Speaker 1 (01:05:18):
I love how slow all of that sounds, because I
think that's something at the beginning of a relationship or
with a new person we do better at and then
you kind of like skip that piece later. And for
a woman that is like the biggest turn on is
all of the things you just described, the body touch,
the sensual nature, even if it was a massage or
anything like that, like that really does help. I think

(01:05:39):
a woman get really turned on into the place that
maybe a man can get a little bit quicker.

Speaker 2 (01:05:44):
Well, he's ready to go because he's fistosterone dominant. He
got that hard on right away, right, so he's much
more ready to go. That being said, men are as
desirous for intimate connection, heart connection, love, slowness, sensuality as
the feminine is, as the woman is. Men are really
very similar to us as women. I think men get

(01:06:08):
a lot of you know, like we make fun of them,
you know, they're only in to get off or whatever.
But that's not actually really true. Men have hearts as
big as ours as the women. So it's creating a
place for them to have that too and showing them
the pathway to it that they appreciate very much.

Speaker 1 (01:06:28):
Yeah, just letting go of that old programming. I agree
with you. I just don't think that that's really how
men are wired. And it's just been the way our
society has created that mentality.

Speaker 2 (01:06:37):
And well, we raise them and we say to them,
you don't cry, don't be a baby stocking, you know,
like we take the emotion out of them. For a
lot of men, they've never had any emotional expression beyond
anger victimhood. You know that that's like the only ones
they get to have, which is shitty, so shitty.

Speaker 1 (01:06:58):
It's shitty to be on the other sid of too.
It's for all of us.

Speaker 2 (01:07:02):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, So the more we use women as
lovers to men can help heal their wounds of being
cut off from their emotional expression and help them find
their words and express themselves and understand that they're just
like us. They just didn't even get the benefits of

(01:07:22):
having emotional expression. And I'm owing that for them.

Speaker 1 (01:07:27):
Susan, thank you so much. I feel like I could
talk to you all day, so we may just have to.

Speaker 2 (01:07:30):
Have you back one.

Speaker 1 (01:07:33):
I have had some things to do. Where can people
find you? Because I know you have so many amazing resources,
Like we've discussed a couple, but you have tons, tons
of books, tons of different programs people can download. So
where can people find you? That's the easiest access to
all of that stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:07:52):
Well, if you go to personal life Media, that's a
good place. I'm Susan Bratton on Instagram. I have a
website called Better Lover with hundreds of free videos on
any subject you could imagine. If you like the sound
of what I've said so far, there's lots more. And then,
of course we talked about the sexuals Impact dot com.

(01:08:14):
We talked about magicpillmethod dot com. And we talked about
tuning fork tip dot com and I don't know if
it's tip or tips, but try one and it's not
a the s. Yeah, those are three good things to
get you started if they appealed to you. And there's
plenty more where that came from. So thank you for
having me. I really enjoyed being on your show with

(01:08:37):
both of you, and it was a lot of fun, really.

Speaker 1 (01:08:42):
So informative and so fun. I think this is such
an important topic, so I'm so glad that you're really
talking about this. But we just need to learn about this,
like we're learning about everything else, y'all. Oart of growth.
Let's lean in, all right, Susan, thank you so much
for being here, and thank you guys for listening.

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