The Southlake Department of Safety doesn't hold back when it comes to catching bad guys.
Officials posted photos and a (lengthy) description of an alleged Lowe's robber that's taking the community by storm — with lots of laughter. The crime was reported by the store's loss prevention officer, to which the DPS jokester said "We've got friends in Lowe's places," to quote the great Garth Brooks.
They went on to describe the suspect's physical qualities. "Our bad guy was about 5'8", and dare we say a little scrawny? That's not being negative, as Merriam-Webster says scrawny means “exceptionally thin and slight or meager in body or size,” and hoooo boy, that's a match," the post said. Officials continued by sharing what the man was wearing — "oversized aviators" — and even poked fun at his tattoos — "He had many tattoos that seemed to focus on the great state of Texas, such as a presumable Dallas Cowboys star on his left shoulder, a Texas Rangers 'T' on his right wrist, and a state of Texas with the words 'TEXAS MADE' in the Old English font on the inside of his right arm."
That Old English font was a sore point for Southlake DPS, who couldn't help but remind residents of past suspects with "dastardly fonts" on tattoos. "Old English is a top three dastardly font, right behind Comic Sans and Papyrus. And yes, mom, you've seen the Papyrus font more and more because Avatar 2 just came out and the font is 'tribal yet futuristic,' per Saturday Night Live. But Old English. As a permanent mark. On your body. Woof. Lots of poor decisions for this scrawny middle-aged thief," the post read.
Southlake DPS then went on to describe how the suspect walked out of the tool shop with items he didn't pay for — "ALLEGEDLY," the police department joked. "In typical cool guy fashion, he took off his aviators and placed them on the back of his head, maybe as a look out. He shopped around and grabbed a $94 Craftsman Mechanic Set, a $119 Dewalt Reciprocating Saw, and a $5 Sharpie pen. Why the Sharpie? Maybe to draw a Mavs or Stars logo to complete the DFW quadlet of pro sports teams on his body? We may never know," they wrote.
About 47 minutes after the post was shared, Southlake DPS said the man was identified. "Great work gumshoes," they said about the junior detectives they enlisted on Facebook.