October 24, 2019 • 56 mins
Biologists exploring find a Chupacabra… Worst. HR. Dept. Ever… What if the Alchemy This cast were actually patients in an asylum…
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, Kevin Pollock here. I wanted to invite you
all to become a Patreon supporter of Alchemy This. Go
to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. To become a
v i P member. You'll get bonus episodes that will
not be available to non v i P s. These
include the live shows and also special scenes that will
record in our regular weekly in studio recordings uh that
(00:22):
will only be released to v i P members. You'll
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You're gonna get an exclusive hotline phone number. That's right.
You can call in, leave a message, have a request,
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kinds of incredible bonuses, and just be creatively involved in
(00:44):
the shows. We'd love to have you as a Patreon
member again. Go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this,
and thank you. Welcome back to another episode up Alchemy This.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin Dog. What's
that when Friday? Yeah? No, I don't remember saying I
could hang out on Friday? What's your Monday looks? Like,
(01:05):
because mine looks like James Heeney. But I digress wide open. Okay,
let's mate RockA Michelle. We know particular water. Please say
a lot of Niche did the new cotton candy machinery, Ryan,
(01:27):
but the dining guitire writer and if so, is it divine? Yes? Yes,
And we don't call it cotton candy because we're a
little different over our dynasty typewriter. We call it Owl's
beard super fantastic. That's all non like. We agree. Okay,
you can tell it's harvest time because Gregkowski is ripe. Uh.
(01:53):
Were you surprised when you found out that our calendar
year was set for how long it takes the Earth
to orbit the Sun? Was I surprised five seconds ago
when I just found that out? Yes? Um, yeah, that
seems arbitrary, right, Yeah, there's so many other things you
can set a calendar yearby, for example, uh, across the crops.
(02:20):
The crops is the correct answer we're looking for. Yeah,
that's why we're doing daily savings time, right, rops, change
your pants and column Lance. Joey Grier is here. Joey
a subsidiary of Greer Coo without making us all vomited
from the details. What was the setting for the loss
of your virginity? Let's see, Uh the setting. It was
(02:40):
actually the carcass of formally pregnant cow. Formally pregnant she
had to give him birth. Uh huh, I knew it
would be delicious. Please Welcome back, founding member and fresh
from his successful off Broadway run as Richard Grieko and
stop the World, I want to it back on. It's
(03:01):
Chris Alvorado. Welcome back, Chris. Clearly your New York state
of mind agreed with you and or roughed up your
edges something because you're somehow slightly better looking, which wasn't
on the menu I saw. And lastly, yes, no chance
to speak. Welcome back. Thank you for having me. I
(03:23):
missed you guys so much. I love you guys so much.
We read some emails while you were gone where people
talked about you and to you. That's very sweet. I
didn't listen to any episode that's weird, not a single one. No.
I listened to Okay, good and Last but Today, Last Today,
but h e double hockey sticks. If you think at
least say hello to James Ceeney, Jimmy juju be Can
(03:44):
I call you Tommy Bananas when I introduced you at
the comedy club. Next time we're going to the comedy club,
absolutely call me whatever you want, take me with. It's
a live show the first Sunday of every month at
west Side Comedy Theater, nine o'clock. Uh, this recording is
going to come out sometime in between shows, so before
the next one. Yeah, it'll be before the first Sunday
(04:07):
of the next month. And will you be there? I
won't miss it again ever. All right, let's get to
our first scene. I should first mention that we really
need you all to, uh, you know, write a review
if it's in the next fifty two hours. It's all
I'm asking. It seems fair. Really helps drive the listenership,
so we're told, so please take a little moment if
you love the show and support us. We greatly appreciate Apparently,
(04:32):
we all appreciate it. All of today's scene suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's not Joey Greer at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Lauren, who wrote,
Hey gang, my name is Lauren, and I'm from the wondrous,
exciting state of Ohio. I have been loving the podcast,
(04:57):
especially Vanessa and her goblin character. It's no you all
get me through the monetary, the monetary or monotony of
everyday work life. It's both monetary and monotony. I most
I most likely look like, Oh I must, That's probably
what she meant to, right, I must look like a
(05:18):
looney laughing my head off. But I digress. I have
a scene suggestion in mind for you, bumbling band of baboons. Huh,
here we go a group of god It's like I
just listened toode, that's how she greeted us. I have
a suggenious scene suggestion for you, bumbling band of a
(05:40):
group of conservation biologists, along with their local guide take
a trip in search of rare endangered species. I'm curious
to see was he uh what y'all might come up
with on the hike. Love you all, Lauren, b Let's
trying to stay at the group, Steve, Yeah, I just
I think somebody bit me back. There's is anyone's GPS working?
(06:05):
Mine just says we're right where we are. I just
won't want it, says um M. What does it say?
He says, We're exactly where we need to be. So
the map is passing judgment on us. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on with you there, and
(06:26):
I'll tell you what's going on with me. Someone didn't
get their coffee and they're taking it out on the
rest of us. He said, you or who is that?
Is that? Who? I think we all know who the
big coffee drinker is in the group, Dave, Dave? Is
it a Java slut? Dave? Are you a Java slot?
I wouldn't call myself a Java slut? No, but I
(06:47):
do like my coffee. I do like to be caffeinated.
I've seen you fun coffee. Yes, I have ridiculous What
does that even mean? What do you got as right
in my land? What are you guys doing in my land?
It was from the marsh. I was I was, I
(07:09):
was picking grass? Were conservation grass? What conservationalist? Biological search?
I don't mean to um damper your attitude here, sir,
but you look at this map. Here you can see
there's an outline of what is state land and what
is your land? What we are on state land. State land. No, no, no,
(07:32):
this has been my family's land for generation. Do you
need us to call someone? Can we get someone to help?
Here's no phone lines out here. My friend, you're on
my land and that guy's bite looks like it's gonna
cost him a leg. Dratic, not dramatic. Could you attend
to it? Sir? No? Absolutely not your dress passing on
my land. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm always confused
(07:54):
when people say, could you attend to that? Or could
you attend to that? Is that the same thing? I
think it's the same. I think so as well as
you get their meeting. Does it matter? Well, I don't know.
There's definition matter, Davis. That what you're asking, I think
it does. I want you to wrap all this didgets
and catch it's up and get off my cut damn land.
(08:15):
All these gidgets and gadgets are important for conservational I
don't understand what conservation you're talking about. We're here to conserve.
What don't you understand? Conserve my land? Conserving the land
the land. Did you know if the earth is and
if there's land about we're dealing with this. You've got elephants,
(08:40):
you've got you've got lands that are too dangerous, so
we're down to two percent of land. Listen, if you
want to conserve things out here, then you're going to
have to take care of that razor backed beast that
keeps killing all the all animals. I've heard of it. Guys,
it's fairy tale. It's a mix, not a fairy t
(09:02):
boy super cobra. That's a god damn chuper cobra. And
it's been it's it is real. I got bit again.
I got what are you getting what? I don't know?
What's I think it's on my neck? Oh my god,
there's nothing on your next day, it's the poison going
up to it goes to the brain next him. What
bit him? Yeah, it was a skeeter, but it wasn't
(09:25):
just a regular skeeter. It's a skeeter. It's been feeding
on I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna prove to all
of us right now, there's no sitting as a chipa
because because as the myth goes, the Choopa Cabra likes
to feast on the blood of the dying. So Steve,
for instance, here is not doing well. Now I'll pull
up my knife, slices arms a little bits, and then
(09:47):
kick him into the bushes. Now we wish, Now we'll
see you have Oh what does that sound? That's just
a turkey? Oh great, No, no, no, that's a chuppy.
That's chupy. First, it looks like a turkey. I see
a turkey coming twitery. What do you say? I don't know,
(10:08):
it looks like a turkey. Okay, we're going that. I'm
a cap that's the chupa cob. It's Crawley's I'm a chupacabra.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I heard I keep yelling chupa.
What is your name, sir? My name is Juru. All right,
that's my last name. Do you have any guns Toba?
(10:31):
Of course I got guns. I don't know an you
wear my cabin killed the koopy? The troopy? What is
wrong with you? I don't believe in them. First of all,
don't don't make don't get mad at him for not
being able to pronounce the name of a fake beast. Steve, Steve,
what's going on up there? Steve? You could tell it
(10:52):
was often travels with a pack of turkey. Well, look,
who's upset? I'm upset someone died, oh, someone died or
a special someone. So you're just giving me a folded map.
What does this mean? We're Steve? Where Steve? What is
(11:12):
going on? What if you're at the funeral of your
We're just giving a few steps because Steve wanted to
you know, he was so passionate about conserving and you
wouldn't want to use all the resources and embalming fluids
are horrible for the earth. So we loved him rot
in the field. But you've got a map. If there's
(11:32):
anything we can do to attend to your needs or
tend or tend to your needs, either one, which you
get what it means, which one? Thank you for coming,
Debrah to the Psychic Reading Network. Thank you so much
for having me the studio. I have some good news
for you. Do you, guys go on any coffee or
diet coke or anything. I'll do a mixture, haven't I? Yes? Please,
(11:55):
I'm good. Thank you. That sounds good. I have good
Can you can you not shake a coffee? Um? I
can't not shake the coffee. Okay, I have good news
and bad news. Thank you. The bad news is you've
been lied to. Oh my god. The good news is
by me, No, by the people, by the people I
(12:17):
work with, know the people who can, by the people
and the people, but the people who This is not
a guessing game. Your son, I mean part of me.
You're no, your husband is not dead, but he's lukewarm.
Browntown so much? Is that a brown town? Not just
like that name Browntown. Steve is not just what what
(12:41):
do you mean? He lives in me? Go find it. No,
he's he lives in all of us of life. This
is not a game show. Go out to the lands
and find Steve. Find the chip acbra and you will
find Steve. Get out of here. I was just to
(13:04):
make sure nobody needs anythin. Hi, welcome to Browntown. We
understand you wanted to apply for a management position. I'd
love to, right, So can you tell me a little
bit about your experience and knowledge of Browntown as a company. Well,
I didn't even know it was a company. I'm making
a drink called Browntown where I take too brown things.
This time it was diet coke and coffee. But I
can use to brown things of any kind like I've
done a melted touch sickle and just like chocolate, milk,
(13:27):
and you thought you would add the word town even
though it's trademark by the company. I wasn't aware, but
then when I googled it, because I was like, I
could do something with that, because I noticed a really
good reaction whenever I would say it to people, and
I've said it to some really how many brown towns
I am by? Browntown? Alright? So anyway, I googled you guys,
and I am all right, Uh your name again, Duke? Right? Okay, Duke.
(13:53):
So what experience do you have in managerial? Oh? You know,
I was the oldest of X, so you know where
I'm going with that. Managed the family I did. My
mother was an all girl and my father went out,
so I was just taking kids to play dates, setting
little wars between them. See it would be stronger doing
all that stuff, packing snow both of your parents. Oh no, no, no,
(14:18):
not strokes. Oh, Claire, Claire, give me a second. Okay,
I'm talking to clear Okay, you both clearis and say
we're gonna make some cuts here Browntown. We're gonna make
some cuts in Browntown. Claire, not that Claire, Claire, Which
Claire are you cutting? Claire I'm cutting you. Who are
you looking at that? I'm looking at Claire right now,
(14:40):
we're making some cuts in Browntown. Browntown is my life.
I understand that I left another job that was really stable,
and I'm really like to keep this one. I've been
working hard, I haven't missed a day. But clear, you're fine,
thank you, Claire, you're fire me. I'm fired. I can't
be more clear about this. He can't just cleared the
I'm fine, Clare. Every day, every morning I go to
(15:03):
work and I say, I can't believe I'm going to Browntown.
I'm sorry, he's gonna make some cuts. Browntown is too full.
My boyfriends wanted to go to Browntown since since we met. Well,
I'm sorry, he's not you know, had time to come.
But Claire, well, well, well look who's walking crawling? I
might say, back into Beige wage. Huh, Well Claire starting
(15:29):
my old salary. Okay, oh oh, it's not gonna be
that easy. Everybody get in here. What's going on is that? Claire? Yeah,
she looks like she's made out a whole robot part.
What's up? Girl? Look? I just can I get my
old desk back I'm sorry, old desk, because where we
keep the staple is now Claire, you go big an
(15:50):
mpany for us. It's unbelievable. What are you doing way?
Oh my god, sir, you just walked in the door.
Who are you kidding me? Yeah, I just walked in
the door. Yes, I'm not kidding you. Actually you walked
down the door and insist and we're on your land.
(16:10):
Did you want a job here? No? I don't want
a goddamn job from what is this place? Has been
complaining about the contract of the building, Bilding swamp on. Well, then, Claire,
if you want your job back, I say you handled
this issue still. Okay, how can I help you, sir? Well,
(16:33):
first off, I'd like to see the permits that you
guys were allowed to come out on my land. Okay.
I'm sick of the government coming in. I'm sticking to
the conservation just I'm sick of the conservationist. I'm just
sick of it. I want to go out there and
have my family's land to myself and my family. Okay, Well,
let me tend to you. Uh what is your name again?
(16:54):
My name is Juff. Yes, that's exactly right. You pronounce
it better than me your goff Yeah, okay, thank you? Okay, yeah,
I have your file here, you do Yeah, we have
a file on you at page ways. Oh gosh, at
some point you must have given consent. That can't be true.
Can I see that file please? Well, I can give
(17:15):
you the unredacted file. I'm sorry, the redacted half on it.
Think pink. That will never work at think pink. That
scene was off the rail. Hey, let's get to our
(17:35):
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You have to wash that I do. I go in
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(19:08):
guess what, when I want to change out the look,
that's when I change the sock. Because they're stick comfortable.
I don't put your feet off the table. Look at them.
They're nice. Vanessa, you at a point you wanted to
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(19:31):
We need more companies with hearts out there that's going
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today comes from Anthony who wrote, Hey, hello alchemists, thank
(20:15):
you all, thank you for all the laughs. My scenes
suggestion is the following, the normally upbeat HR department at
a big corporation slowly begins to lose faith in their
care workers as the complaints that issues mount throughout the day.
Keep up the good work and thanks again for all
the last Anthony Toronto, Canada. Oh I thought his name
was Anthony Toronto, Toronto. Yes, okay, thank you very much
(20:42):
for calling Think pink. Okay, I'd like to speak at
the HR. Yes, yes, come on in. That's that's who
I am. Yes, well, there are more people that work here.
He's part of it. How many HR? Give me one second? Um? Oh,
I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say to me?
What the hell is going on? What the hell's going
(21:03):
on with you? What the hell's going on with you? Jamian?
I have an individual coming into the department. I want
to talk. No, no, no no, no, no no, May I
just say something? He said he wants to talk to
the HR. When you're talking about I'm not looking at him.
Want whatever that I does, I don't control. That's correct. Okay,
Well then why don't you get into work and look
at me? Okay? I love too. If it was that easy,
(21:24):
I would have never had a lazy eyed Damien. Okay,
you know what what I was taking issue with? You
said you were the HR to You were not am
toot talk to? Oh? I would love to. Could you
guys get away from my cubicle? No, we need to
talk right now. Okay, r we're gonna write you up
(21:44):
if you don't let us over. All right, I'm just
making a major major misstep right now. All right, I'll
just be quiet. You know what, you get the memotion?
Thank you? Yes? Okay, Tim, Tim Earle Strange. You gotta
go hold bunch of names here, a lot of aliases.
Why don't we write this down? Oh yeah, yeah, we're
making note of that. Yeah, you're going to get how
do you guys were going to fight before you even
we're talking. We're community stupid bitch. Okay, we were talking.
(22:07):
Grab him, grab house. Those are my fingers the right, okay, okay,
and help over there. No no, no, no, no, no no,
please don't come over here? Are you sure? Did you
tell him? Carl? How many names do you have? What's
(22:28):
wrong with you? Pull his neck to see if his
head comes off and it's a mask. We still don't
know if he's a mouse or not. We still don't
know that he's a mouse thing if it was a mask,
like and everybody who was a math, I'm sorry, could
either of you tell me where to find the HR department?
(22:49):
This is creative, This has to be Thank you you
two are nuts. I'm kind of prank. Did I get
on the wrong No, no, no, no, you're the right
place you can. He can be hr for now, but
just want you know what? I like that? Okay, So
(23:11):
I had an issue absolutely and ladies shoes, and I
didn't feel safe with my manager. I'm going I've got
this is a little handsy, it's a little hands in
the handgun, no hand hand this is a rather serious issue. No,
(23:34):
I'm taking it seriously, right right, seventh floor, seventh floor,
lad don't look like this? Oh gun kind anyway, if
we could just maybe call him in for some questions. Oh,
that's not exactly the procedure, however, you no, don't call no, no, no,
(23:56):
no thing. Welcome to my mother, get seventh. What's up
to in the motherfucking house? Listen, I'm your manager, but
I'm also your friend. Okay, you mean he kisses, I
(24:18):
mean the kisses. Go low, work, go lower, lower, go lower.
He kissed my booty. Alright, everybody back to work. Alright,
do you have any Manolo Blanc size four shoes? Yeah,
step into my office. I gotta fix that, yo, Jerry, Yeah,
(24:42):
get a little w D four you over here, please,
ok okay, yeah, so we were talking heels, is that right? Yeah?
I just wanted to get some some shoes. Yeah. Well,
this is where I keep the best of the best.
This is the seventh floor. Let me give you my card.
My card is my hand. My hand will caress your face,
(25:03):
Tony T anything you can do for you to start,
all right? Thank you? Jerry here, So if I could
just see do you work here in black? No? No, okay,
no should I I don't know. I just feel like
I feel like this is gonna lead to you going
to the HR department. And it feels like only employees
(25:23):
of this building would go to the HR department. But
where are we? All right? So you want to see
you want to see shoes in my office? All right?
But I want to see shoes. I don't know if
I want to see them in your office here? Why
would you call me out because you do work here? Yes?
I work here? Okay, just as he runs them in
(25:45):
all the bland first self of this weird little feet, Hey,
get back in my desk, I get backing up. But
anyone's a little and they do work for my daughter.
I wasn't employed a discow. Oh that's your door. Oh
(26:07):
I thought it was the desk. All right, listen, Jerry, Jerry,
you're fired. All right, back to you. I want to
make you so uncomfortable that it logically takes you to
h R. What can I do to get that? We're there?
We're there right now? Oh I'm going wait wait wait
wait wait wait? What floor do you want to please? Okay,
you're gonna have to sign in and you gotta tell
(26:29):
me why you want to go floor too? I have
an appointment, that's it. Yeah, you can't go to floor
to what. I'm sorry. I can't let you go up
the floor too. I have appointment with Derek Marenga. Yeah,
I know, Derek marange Is. You can't go up there.
Uh you just leave him on the floor. Let him soak.
(26:49):
I got three boxes, cop, leave him all on the floor.
So let him soak on the floor. All right, you
want to cook? No, I don't need to up alright,
I just I have I have a twelve tent with
Derek Marangue on the second floor. You don't you don't
want to take a freak cup? Mr Marina. I'm so sorry.
(27:10):
I don't know what your twelve ten is. You should
be here any minute, Okay, I don't. I know you
don't like to wait, so I'll go check downstairs. So
it would be great, thank you. You can stack them,
you can if you Okay, fine, fine, I'll take a cup.
I don't want to get one right now. You know
you're just so angry about it before. I don't know
if you would be able to hold it in a way.
(27:31):
Do they say think pink on them? Yeah, it's a company, okay,
and uh, you know I I am meeting with Ms Marangua.
But what exactly this thing pink? Do? I think? Pink
is a multinational organization with subsidiaries across the world that
offers products and likenesses. Why are you laughing? I'm watching
(27:53):
a cartoon of I was tickling him. That's my cartoon.
I all time tickling in cartoon. Okay, look, I don't cartoon.
It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh. I love your
breasts the way you've aoay shaped up? Crazy about it.
I'm trying to lose a few ps. No, don't's the beautiful.
(28:17):
My doctor says it's unhealthy. Well, your doctor doesn't like tits.
You must be an ass man, because let me tell you,
those are lovely be Okay, Kenny, I just wanted to
let you know that your physical checked out great. All
the tests are Yeah, it's just terrific. I just had
an issue, UM in one area. I wanted to talk
(28:39):
to you. Um. Do you belong to a gym? Yeah?
Twenty for our fitness and zoom and what are we
working on when we're there? Usually the elliptical, treadmill, a
little bit of everything, cardio, mostly cardio cardio. I'm thinking
about some upper body strengths. Okay, don't do it. I
don't do a lot of that. I don't think you
do any Okay, yeah, so maybe some so like heat down, doctor,
(29:06):
take the heat down. There's workings. I appreciate the input,
so I'm not overweight. If I gave you fifty dollars
to do ten push ups, do you think you could
do it? Please? Not for money, right, I'm looking for
something incentive about how about chocolate cream pie? You give
(29:26):
me a chocolate cream pie for tim push ups? I mean,
won't the chocolate creampie outweigh the benefit of I'm trying
to find any kind of incentive to get you to
do ten and push ups because I don't think you
can I think you can do three? And I think
you're gonna tap out? I think you can. I think
you could also think that she's, you know, inappropriate. Look,
I'm an otherwise fit man with full sized woman's breasts,
(29:47):
so you a lot of s. Look, you come here
every week to work out, and I just don't understand
what the weight games happening? May you do great? Here?
What the hell do? Is these your pies in your
in your duffle? Yeah? I get it. I get a
few chocolate CREAMI can you keep eating? Pots? Can you chocolate?
Welcome to Victoria's Secret. You've made the right decision. Embrace
(30:09):
who you are. Did you know that people walk around
with bras that don't fit them properly? People? I'm turning
to use like some proper pronouns or whatever, you know
what I mean? Any who, Um, we want to get
you fitted. And did you know our saying here at
Victoria's Secret? What is it I think pink? That's Victoria's
(30:31):
Secrets mottel, Yeah, because there's a company called Think pink.
That's not true. It is to look at the look
at the bottoms on all of these underwear they say pink. Yeah,
I was just had a building like building with at
least seven floors that was for a company called Think Pink.
They they definitely like are a full like corporate. I'm
(30:51):
crazy about the shape of your body that uh like,
I'm a fit man with full size one. Yes, I'm
just here as some underwear, some thongs, but I couldn't
take my eyes off your body. Thank you. Goo shots
on the bottom and the top is just are those
not support it at all? No? Not yet. I'm trying
to get a bra. That's amazing tissue. Thank you? Is
(31:14):
that your own? Yeah, I guess. I mean it's not artificial.
I would love to ask you to touch them, but
probably not. Trying to get a read on you want
to them? No, no, well sure I'll settle for that.
Oh yeah, wow, the same squeashy. What's your name? My
name is yeah, yeah, Well I'm from all around, so
(31:37):
I moved a lot. Okay, well, well this nice salesperson
is still well I have to make an important phone
call with what with this new Think Pink development. Give
me one second, Mr Secrets. Yeah there's a problem, Mr.
Keep talking. There's supposedly another company that goes that's name
is no, I think pink another company. That's what I'm saying.
(32:04):
Did you hear secrets? I guess that's the guy wh
owns a company. But why wouldn't it be miss secret?
It's Victoria's secret and it's also Victoria. Do you have
an addressed for that building? Yeah, it's uh seventeen. You
should take your T shirt off? So hot in here.
Look you're saying, it's a company named Think Ping, Yes, sir,
(32:26):
that's where we have a logo, logo thinking Yeah, huh.
You give me the word and I'll shut that motherfucker down. Okay,
the word is shut that motherfucker down by Mr Secrets. Okay,
I'll take off the shirt for a little bit. So, okay,
that's not what I was expecting. Honestly, what's going on
in here? You put your hands man your back, Put
your hands behind your back. That's a beautiful man. All right,
(32:49):
that's fine. Okay, No, no, we don't expect. Get on
the ground, sir, Get on the ground. I get back
on the ground, doing get your hands off my breast.
I'm sorry, sorry that I had to use the force
on the TI My force, not the Star Wars force.
(33:11):
I don't believe in that are you. Okay, your prests
are bleeding. Come all right, thank you, they're bleeding pretty heavily.
Oh they're deflighting. What Hi? Is this the HR Department?
Yes it is. I am the HR Department. Okay, I'm
not even fighting it can't tell you for a second
(33:34):
would know. I'm busy. I'm writing emails when you were
writing emails. I could be you're programming snake in your computer. Yeah,
I am. Yeah, it's not gonna work. Yeah, I wants
the YouTube tutorial. It doesn't hand you this letter. Okay,
give me a second, touch this. You can please here again, Guys,
I'm working. Just just shut shut the funk up, you
(33:58):
shut up, you put yours still. I don't give a
goddamn I'm HR. Okay, just sharpen your teeth. It is freakish.
It's a freaking it's a it's a bone. You can
sharpen a bone. It's not a bone. We just had
this fight last week, and it's not a bone. I
guess we keep fighting, because do you guess we will? Ken?
(34:19):
Did you get him to touch the letter? Mr? Secret?
You still have the letter? Yes, you just had to
get them to touch it. And then our turners could
take it from there. Yes, Mr Secrets Okay, so what
stuff do you do You think from getting them to
touch the letter you wouldn't believe what's going on in
that department. Well, I'd love to hear. It's too much
to explain. I'd rather commit Harry Cary Okay, Oh no, man,
(34:45):
that's commitment to a belly cut Gloria in another brown
town already seen too. Yeah, you know, I'm back. It's
a lot. Our final scene comes from Robert, who wrote
(35:07):
all the kudos to the team of Alchemists. Shout out
to our all time favorite scene featuring Richard Landry's book signing.
Oh Richard Landry uh with my kids favorite character snoofa
the beach bum My kids. It brings me such joy
as a parent to see my own teens in a
(35:29):
sea of blah faced earbud wearing high schoolers burst out
laughing uncontrollably. Wow, that is bringing generations together. Knew we
were doing good. Thanks for making them look crazy in
front of their peers. Speaking of scene suggestion. While recording
their latest episode of Alchemy, this our performers slowly realized
(35:50):
that they never there never was a podcast, and they're
all in fact patients and an insane as silent. Thanks
Robert more Deneaux, I ancestry dot com. Not only is it? Uh?
Not only can Joey? Can we get it? Not just
near the clean rad? Okay? Thanks? Is this dot com
(36:11):
on my cue? Okay? And three? Why is Joey getting
to do ads? And why is he doing character work?
Craig Chris, It's great to have you back, but we
just get through this. We can start the show. Okay
on this, guys, I just I've never been asked to
do in the had read well, you know, neither of I. Okay,
vanessas on her phone. You know what, guys, is not
on my phone? Competition, she's on her phone because we're
(36:31):
waiting for youtub idiots to shut the funk up so
Joey can finish. And sorry Mr pol Yeah, yeah, fine, sorry, James. Nothing.
I have some startling news and I don't really want
to shirt with everybody. You don't want would you want
to share it with? How about you just tell each
of us one of the time. Okay. I don't know
if he can handle it. Have you ever heard of
(36:52):
the algorithm? But the story of the cave with the
guys in the shadows and the fires. Allegory of the allegory. Yeah,
it's allegory is the word that's looking forward. I don't
want to be killed. That's not what it's about. Okay,
have to do with ancestry dot com. It has nothing
to do with ancestry dot com. I would love to
do an ad read. All right. Let's let's just stop
(37:14):
with the heads, the big wigs, heads, the doctors. What
you're talking about some kind of disease or something. Okay,
well your own teeth, mustaches, storys not off your mustache.
That's gross. Recording podcast. We've been We're not. There's still rolling.
(37:41):
Doug Bam, Doug Bam. Are we recording right now? He's
he's nodding, he's nodding the other way. He's doing a bit.
These aren't microphones bananas. Okay, okay, it is not a
real person. You're telling me that the squshy squshy, tiny
little thing to get fit in my pocket is not
(38:02):
somebody clearly won the edited carnival. Okay, Okay, listen, I recall,
I recall I had a lunch with Mr Pollock, the
award winning actor and thank you guy who's the one
who thought of this, and he said he wanted us
to do a podcast. So I was like in awe
because he's very famous and he's done so much, and like,
I mean, frankly, because I was in your shirt. I'll
(38:25):
let you live what I was inside? What happened? Why
were you inside Chris's shirt? Do you remember where you
were before recording today? Stop crying. I'm sorry, it's just upsetting.
And I just thought that if Mr Paula told me
I was in New York, so you weren't. No, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it sounded like that, I think when I was there
(38:47):
taxi taxio, Yeah yeah. Mr Ralbarado just like that painter's
stop today and by a state building. Where was Craig?
Where were you? I'm trying to get my joke, oh
my outside from all his torch? Craig, do you have
any other outfit than that? They're blue smock? What is
(39:08):
wrong with? What is wrong? You know? He's all about it.
It's it's hospital gear, nobody sports hospital. It's that's why
we're all wearing the same He sent me. That's my
collar bone. Dr Wilson. As you can see the patient's
(39:33):
break at some point during the podcast every single time,
and if we could just keep them in the pocket
a little longer, I think we'd get the progress. It's dangerous,
it is dangerous. It's it's dangerous, life threatening. We pulled
them out on purpose. I guess we don't know what
would happen if we keep them in. I think we
just removed the James he Knee character because he seems
to be the rabble rouser, the troubleminger. But I think
(39:54):
he's a fan favorite. Surprisingly, I think you're right about Okay, yeah,
all right, how about this? Why don't we put James
Heeney character down to a two point three? I like that. Well,
we'll keep the Joey at a at a nine. Well,
is there any other place? Vanessa seems to live great
at an eight point to and Craig is a wild
fight he's wild, So you know what, I won't put
(40:14):
any parameters on that character like that a lot. Chris
Alvarado is perfect. So right, all right, let's go back here.
I'm here to see James. I'm here to see my husband, James. Okay,
just sign him. You're not ready to see James, sweetheart? Doctor? Hi?
Are you she had? Doctor? Yes? I am she's a
(40:36):
doctor patient. Okay, well, what's your relation my relationship to James? Yeah,
I'm I'm his wife. You say you're as dog dog wife.
Let me see your two human So he married the
old heeney. H he put a ring on it. Huh.
(40:58):
You want these pills in this little white cup there,
I'm not going to give those away. I'm gonna eat
him in front of you. I need to tell you something.
James is very sick. I know that's what. He's very funny.
I know that's why he's here. He's a favorite. Explicably,
it's really and I need to tell you something. This
planet that we're standing on, honey, they've got you fleeced.
(41:18):
It's not a planet at all. The Doctor's right. We're
gonna needs over here. Listen. You can't see James face
to face, but if you want to peek into the
quote unquote recording room, you can see him through the glass.
Just want to hug him. Here he is, James. So
we're doing Podcast number three comes from James. He need
(41:43):
you wrote the Shepherd to paper? Why would you write
a scene suggested? Heavens? Kevin has won so many more world, Mr.
Look at this piece of paper. This is clearly this
is just drawing more a question like the issue is
he's waking up. He's he's waking up to the reality
(42:08):
that he's in a hospital, and I have to take this.
My paper is going off. I'm so sorry. So we
have one of two options. Um, the first one is
he goes home with you today. Maybe it's false alarm
on the paper. I realized somebody was pranking me. They
(42:30):
did eight zero zero eight. You know what that is?
Zero zero eight? Booby? Why did you gloss over the
fact that maybe your husband can go home with you today?
Maybe it's better that he stays here. What that's what
I was gonna say. Now hear me out. I'm just
the doctor. Okay, maybe it's better if he stays here
and you guys put I don't know, skewers in him
or something. No, well, we won't do that. But since
(42:53):
he is surprisingly popular with the fans, why is that
the only thing important at this hospital? Because we need
revenue and we need ads. My god, oh my god,
we're not a hospital. A hospital. Should she be here? Absolutely?
Look what I'm wearing under my lab o, My god,
I belong here? How many scars doctor. I wanted to
(43:16):
go over the amount of man hours and money we
are investing in this one single project. Sure, sure, How
can I help you? So you have a group of
of of mad people, that's correct, crazy people. Sure, yeah,
that's a scientific to use the technical term. They're in
a room together with bananas, they think of microphones and
(43:38):
they believe they are recording a podcast. Yes, and we
also have a stuffed animal that's that's supposed to be
a sound engineer. How does that help um morale? Yeah?
Just say that the name Doug bam and brings people joy?
And how were we able to synchronize these this mass psychosis?
I'm going to need this conference room in ten minutes. Okay.
(43:58):
I look, I have its signed up to have it
signed up at two. I haven't signed up until two,
So give me the ten minutes. Okay. Jesus, she's beautiful,
she is she's distracting the bees. So what was your question? How?
How do how do they all have the same psychosis?
(44:21):
How how is this developing into ad revenue if no
podcast is actually being recorded? Well, you have to give
me one second. We are the first ever postable Okay,
so it's gonna take a few months together, you know,
to get some I'm sorry, we're going to cut funding.
What we're cutting funding. I have no idea what you
do in that hospital. And I understand that it sounds
(44:44):
like popsicle, and that's what I wanted. You thought you
thought you were investing in a single popsicle. Yes, you'll
gave us ten million dollars. I know how much I gave.
And I wanted to how long are you guys in
here till two? Again with you? When do you have
the room? It too? I have the room at two? Okay,
(45:05):
it's this is my room. This is my room. About
the room, this is my room. I signed it out online.
My corns are killing me. She is beautiful, but just repulsive.
She's a repulsive person. If I could just your counting,
it is here. You embsied in me and that cool
(45:26):
And it was one of these chips for everybody here.
They're just for you waking the papticle is what exactly
I'm assuming? Of course it's not a deserted sidem Hona stick. Yeah,
it is a dessert idem monaster. Ten million dollars. Yes,
the painting of a popsicle, No whole cherry pop it's
a I refew to believe you paid ten million dollar?
(45:49):
Are you sleeping? Wake up? What's going on? I have knocked? Alright? Fine, fine, fine, James?
What if? What if this isn't a podcast? Hold? Just
what if it is? And what if we are in
a hospital? So you're telling me hypothetically yotic? Okay, because
(46:11):
okay that that this isn't a podcast and Doug is
not a real person and these are bananas. But I
don't know if I want to even if that's the truth,
I don't know if I want to believe in it.
Can't we still make a great podcast? Can't we sto?
We can't. I'm gonna let me show you the insights
of this. You're somebody thetor one of the dog. We
(46:48):
got to use it. We got doctor patient. Okay, noticed
a lot of commotion in the room. You need any
ccs and emails, any anythings to Mr Pollock, help Mr
poll I'd like to thank the academy. Oh wow, wow,
(47:09):
specifically those who voted for me. Yeah, the ones who didn't.
What's that feel like? Righty? Right? Ye? Listen. I know
Doug is dead, but I wouldn't mind hearing Joey go
ahead and do that ad. After all, if we could, please,
who could? Where's Vanessa? She's on her phone and I
(47:30):
think she's just I'm not on my phone. There she is?
I mean, I am, she's on her phone. I am,
but I'm not. There's a picture of you on your
own phone. Yeah, that's what I meant, So I am okay,
But I was just, you know, imagining programming. Snake go, Joey,
do your read? He dyslexic a little? What the what
(47:55):
the fuck is your problem? I haven't probably proved me wrong.
I would love this is the You're either dyslexic severely,
which is fine, or you just don't know how to read.
You're such a piece of Start with the words on
the left and move towards the right in the same
lines like Hebrew. It's just weird that the words starting
(48:16):
on the left. Is the best improviser in this room,
and it seems like he would be. And he's probably
the best reader too. Yeah, I would have say, I mean,
he's probably done the most television safer get it. I'm listening, Craig.
You want to take a shot at this. Joey seems
to be incapable. Sure you wanted me to do it
as my Richard Duncan character from the Famous B's the
(48:37):
one that cut across all four quadrants. Yeah, I mean,
or I can continue to do it. It's good. This
is good. Ancestry dot Cham Yes, yeah, Hey, you want
to put your DNA out there? Wants No, you've got
to murderers in your family. Did everybody's going to see
(48:59):
your d N online? Oh? That's pretty good, Craig was
that guy? Alright? Yeah, I mean it was just off
the top of my Head's let's try from the side
of your head. Then the next one? What you wanted
me to do? This out of the side of my head?
The Landry character the author. Wow, that is coming out
(49:22):
of the side of his head. That was impressive. So
you tell me, Mr Heeney, Yeah, because this all fake.
I hope it is, because otherwise I'm covered in Doug
Babe's blood. You mean you are? Yeah, you're going to jail,
Jim Hi, I'm here, I'm going to pick up Dug.
I'm dog. You're not. I am I'm I'm going to
(49:44):
pick up Dug Babe. I'm dog babe. Thank you? What's
going on? Where is Doug? He's right here. I have
uploaded his information into my body. What ask ask him
a question? Only he would know. We don't set me
up like that, I thought. I think you all. I
(50:06):
think you actually downloaded the But if this is dog,
how come his hands and chopped off with someone else's
bodies in there and they're poking the tiny hands through
the holes that his hands was supposed to be. What's
your problem with that? My problem is that I'm supposed
to pick up dog and this is Doug. I don't
think you have two options. Okay, you can go home,
go home without a Doug. Okay, go home with a Doug.
(50:28):
What's the second option? Go home with a dog? Wait?
That was the first teach me had a dog? James, James,
you were right the whole time. Thank god, there's one
person with sanity, Chris, Can you please help me? Mikes
are delicious. You're right, were all insane. You and I
are the only actual, like brilliant comedic voices. And you
(50:49):
really think that? Yeah, I think we just got a
little sick and we ended up in this room. But
you and I were smart and talented. I mean, people
know us, they know our names. Hey, guys, do you
eat these cookies. Huh, what's up? I'm a nurse. We
eat these cookies. Little cookie? Yeah, I mean, of Chris,
this could be medicine, this could be what's making Hey guys,
there's like a fifty ft long popsicle in here. Oh
(51:12):
hell yes, dude, it's like a five million dollar Popsicles ship.
It's melting quick. Oh okay, I'm gonna eat the cookie.
I'm gonna eat the cookie better. It's better. Now he's
choking on that thing. No, I got it. I got it. Okay,
Just I just need something to drink it with. James, Yeah,
(51:38):
come back, it's uh, Dr Wilson. Doctor, we were talking
to a bunch of people, Thank you, thank you on
the couch while you're still in my office. They just
seem so real. Dr Wilson. And how long has it
been since you've gathered with your friends for the podcast recording? Well,
I believe how long do you think it is because
I have it here on this paper. Well, I since
(52:00):
I'm just going with what i'm hearing seconds ago, because
you just told me I was talking with on the couch.
You were talking to them, but it's just you lying there.
It's been seven months. Oh, you mean in real life?
I mean, yeah, that's right, that's the words we use.
Does that mean that in real life? I was on
a podcast. Oh my god, this is I had it.
I thought it was always fake. We had a little
(52:20):
bit of a breakdown during one of the recording. Really,
Uh was it the calendar man thing? Um? No, that
was the beginning of it. Okay, can we see him now? Doctor? Uh?
Who is that is that? It sounds like Craig Show, Vanessa.
How you doing, man? I forget Chris's name? To forget
(52:41):
Chris's name? I didn't forget Chris's name. A crown of Daisy,
you said, Chris, we made you a crown of Davy.
Oh that's really sweet of you. You know how much
I love crowns Joey and Joey. That's the weird thing
to do. We're here, does he James, And all of
a sudden you're trying to point out the fact that
he might have forgotten me, Like, that's weird to do.
I just I just want to even Ainfield just wanted
all to be on the same appreciate that. Hey, but
(53:02):
how are you feeling? Man? This is Chris James, This
is Chris. I remember Chris, Joey, Dr Wilson. This is
this is the whole gangs back together. I can surely
get out now, right. Is there something you want to
say to Craig, Craig, Um, Craig, I just want to
say that it has been a great pleasure, you know,
performing and uh and you know what's going on? What?
(53:25):
What did you do to him? What? You've been fired? What?
And this is James way of letting her know what
what James? What the fuck? Hold on? Craig is like,
this is Chris James. No, I know chriss I I
Why is the doctor firing Craig? Wait? Second, just reading
from the script here that doctor who do you know who?
(53:49):
It looks like the guy from Wayne's World two afterward
winning after n That was our final scene for today. Yes,
let's thank all of our algams and no particular order,
starting with Mr James, Ny, James, how you feeling? Oh?
I feel a little heavy. It's crazy spinning for a moment,
(54:11):
but I'm glad to be alive and sane. Where can
folks find you in the real world? In the real world, well,
I would say in Venice would be their best bet address.
I'm not going to give that again. But Santa Monica
at the West Side Comedy Theater on the second and
fourth Wednesdays and on the first Sundays of the month
for alchemy this yeah, yeah, yeah, nine pm. Thank you
(54:33):
for that. Craig Katkowski at Kikowski on Twitter, see Kikowski
on Instagram. Loving you. Uh, welcome back, Chris Avarado. Thank
you so good to have you back. Uh. What's Thursday
looked like for lunch? Um? I thought we were Yeah,
we said good, but last time you said check Friday
for luch Let's shoot for Friday for loosing. Thank you
(54:57):
and welcome back niche to What do you call the
cotton candy machine again? That was beard. That's a beard
I love, not the machine itself. That's the cotton candy.
That's what it makes. Yeah yeah, And if you're an
aw it's free. That's correct. Dynasty difference dontacy typewriter dot com.
Oh great, go there, look at the calendar, go see
some shows. A place is amazing. Oh, thank you. Has
(55:21):
anyone seen Joey gret No, No, probably at the learning
nic pile of wet Where, oh Joey, where can folks
find you when they're not standing outside your room. A
pile of wet yeah, pile of white dot com Yeah,
you can find me that up on Instagram. And let's
(55:49):
dyke engineer at the STAB, our sound design engineer, Mr
Raphael I Heart Radio. Oh no, somebody needs doctor. The
doctor will see you now. I'm Kevin Pollock. I've got
a couple of awards. Right to the podcast apparently your
(56:10):
name here doctor after the music. Until next time.
Hey there, Kevin Pollock here. I wanted to invite you
all to become a Patreon supporter of Alchemy This. Go
to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. To become a
v i P member. You'll get bonus episodes that will
not be available to non v i P s. These
include the live shows and also special scenes that will
record in our regular weekly in studio recordings uh that
(00:22):
will only be released to v i P members. You'll
be able to join the live Alchemy This cast hangout sessions.
You're gonna get an exclusive hotline phone number. That's right.
You can call in, leave a message, have a request,
a comment, a question of any of the Alchemists. You're
gonna get your scene, suggestions for getting top priority, all
kinds of incredible bonuses, and just be creatively involved in
(00:44):
the shows. We'd love to have you as a Patreon
member again. Go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this,
and thank you. Welcome back to another episode up Alchemy This.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin Dog. What's
that when Friday? Yeah? No, I don't remember saying I
could hang out on Friday? What's your Monday looks? Like,
(01:05):
because mine looks like James Heeney. But I digress wide open. Okay,
let's mate RockA Michelle. We know particular water. Please say
a lot of Niche did the new cotton candy machinery, Ryan,
(01:27):
but the dining guitire writer and if so, is it divine? Yes? Yes,
And we don't call it cotton candy because we're a
little different over our dynasty typewriter. We call it Owl's
beard super fantastic. That's all non like. We agree. Okay,
you can tell it's harvest time because Gregkowski is ripe. Uh.
(01:53):
Were you surprised when you found out that our calendar
year was set for how long it takes the Earth
to orbit the Sun? Was I surprised five seconds ago
when I just found that out? Yes? Um, yeah, that
seems arbitrary, right, Yeah, there's so many other things you
can set a calendar yearby, for example, uh, across the crops.
(02:20):
The crops is the correct answer we're looking for. Yeah,
that's why we're doing daily savings time, right, rops, change
your pants and column Lance. Joey Grier is here. Joey
a subsidiary of Greer Coo without making us all vomited
from the details. What was the setting for the loss
of your virginity? Let's see, Uh the setting. It was
(02:40):
actually the carcass of formally pregnant cow. Formally pregnant she
had to give him birth. Uh huh, I knew it
would be delicious. Please Welcome back, founding member and fresh
from his successful off Broadway run as Richard Grieko and
stop the World, I want to it back on. It's
(03:01):
Chris Alvorado. Welcome back, Chris. Clearly your New York state
of mind agreed with you and or roughed up your
edges something because you're somehow slightly better looking, which wasn't
on the menu I saw. And lastly, yes, no chance
to speak. Welcome back. Thank you for having me. I
(03:23):
missed you guys so much. I love you guys so much.
We read some emails while you were gone where people
talked about you and to you. That's very sweet. I
didn't listen to any episode that's weird, not a single one. No.
I listened to Okay, good and Last but Today, Last Today,
but h e double hockey sticks. If you think at
least say hello to James Ceeney, Jimmy juju be Can
(03:44):
I call you Tommy Bananas when I introduced you at
the comedy club. Next time we're going to the comedy club,
absolutely call me whatever you want, take me with. It's
a live show the first Sunday of every month at
west Side Comedy Theater, nine o'clock. Uh, this recording is
going to come out sometime in between shows, so before
the next one. Yeah, it'll be before the first Sunday
(04:07):
of the next month. And will you be there? I
won't miss it again ever. All right, let's get to
our first scene. I should first mention that we really
need you all to, uh, you know, write a review
if it's in the next fifty two hours. It's all
I'm asking. It seems fair. Really helps drive the listenership,
so we're told, so please take a little moment if
you love the show and support us. We greatly appreciate Apparently,
(04:32):
we all appreciate it. All of today's scene suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's not Joey Greer at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Lauren, who wrote,
Hey gang, my name is Lauren, and I'm from the wondrous,
exciting state of Ohio. I have been loving the podcast,
(04:57):
especially Vanessa and her goblin character. It's no you all
get me through the monetary, the monetary or monotony of
everyday work life. It's both monetary and monotony. I most
I most likely look like, Oh I must, That's probably
what she meant to, right, I must look like a
(05:18):
looney laughing my head off. But I digress. I have
a scene suggestion in mind for you, bumbling band of baboons. Huh,
here we go a group of god It's like I
just listened toode, that's how she greeted us. I have
a suggenious scene suggestion for you, bumbling band of a
(05:40):
group of conservation biologists, along with their local guide take
a trip in search of rare endangered species. I'm curious
to see was he uh what y'all might come up
with on the hike. Love you all, Lauren, b Let's
trying to stay at the group, Steve, Yeah, I just
I think somebody bit me back. There's is anyone's GPS working?
(06:05):
Mine just says we're right where we are. I just
won't want it, says um M. What does it say?
He says, We're exactly where we need to be. So
the map is passing judgment on us. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on with you there, and
(06:26):
I'll tell you what's going on with me. Someone didn't
get their coffee and they're taking it out on the
rest of us. He said, you or who is that?
Is that? Who? I think we all know who the
big coffee drinker is in the group, Dave, Dave? Is
it a Java slut? Dave? Are you a Java slot?
I wouldn't call myself a Java slut? No, but I
(06:47):
do like my coffee. I do like to be caffeinated.
I've seen you fun coffee. Yes, I have ridiculous What
does that even mean? What do you got as right
in my land? What are you guys doing in my land?
It was from the marsh. I was I was, I
(07:09):
was picking grass? Were conservation grass? What conservationalist? Biological search?
I don't mean to um damper your attitude here, sir,
but you look at this map. Here you can see
there's an outline of what is state land and what
is your land? What we are on state land. State land. No, no, no,
(07:32):
this has been my family's land for generation. Do you
need us to call someone? Can we get someone to help?
Here's no phone lines out here. My friend, you're on
my land and that guy's bite looks like it's gonna
cost him a leg. Dratic, not dramatic. Could you attend
to it? Sir? No? Absolutely not your dress passing on
my land. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm always confused
(07:54):
when people say, could you attend to that? Or could
you attend to that? Is that the same thing? I
think it's the same. I think so as well as
you get their meeting. Does it matter? Well, I don't know.
There's definition matter, Davis. That what you're asking, I think
it does. I want you to wrap all this didgets
and catch it's up and get off my cut damn land.
(08:15):
All these gidgets and gadgets are important for conservational I
don't understand what conservation you're talking about. We're here to conserve.
What don't you understand? Conserve my land? Conserving the land
the land. Did you know if the earth is and
if there's land about we're dealing with this. You've got elephants,
(08:40):
you've got you've got lands that are too dangerous, so
we're down to two percent of land. Listen, if you
want to conserve things out here, then you're going to
have to take care of that razor backed beast that
keeps killing all the all animals. I've heard of it. Guys,
it's fairy tale. It's a mix, not a fairy t
(09:02):
boy super cobra. That's a god damn chuper cobra. And
it's been it's it is real. I got bit again.
I got what are you getting what? I don't know?
What's I think it's on my neck? Oh my god,
there's nothing on your next day, it's the poison going
up to it goes to the brain next him. What
bit him? Yeah, it was a skeeter, but it wasn't
(09:25):
just a regular skeeter. It's a skeeter. It's been feeding
on I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna prove to all
of us right now, there's no sitting as a chipa
because because as the myth goes, the Choopa Cabra likes
to feast on the blood of the dying. So Steve,
for instance, here is not doing well. Now I'll pull
up my knife, slices arms a little bits, and then
(09:47):
kick him into the bushes. Now we wish, Now we'll
see you have Oh what does that sound? That's just
a turkey? Oh great, No, no, no, that's a chuppy.
That's chupy. First, it looks like a turkey. I see
a turkey coming twitery. What do you say? I don't know,
(10:08):
it looks like a turkey. Okay, we're going that. I'm
a cap that's the chupa cob. It's Crawley's I'm a chupacabra.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I heard I keep yelling chupa.
What is your name, sir? My name is Juru. All right,
that's my last name. Do you have any guns Toba?
(10:31):
Of course I got guns. I don't know an you
wear my cabin killed the koopy? The troopy? What is
wrong with you? I don't believe in them. First of all,
don't don't make don't get mad at him for not
being able to pronounce the name of a fake beast. Steve, Steve,
what's going on up there? Steve? You could tell it
(10:52):
was often travels with a pack of turkey. Well, look,
who's upset? I'm upset someone died, oh, someone died or
a special someone. So you're just giving me a folded map.
What does this mean? We're Steve? Where Steve? What is
(11:12):
going on? What if you're at the funeral of your
We're just giving a few steps because Steve wanted to
you know, he was so passionate about conserving and you
wouldn't want to use all the resources and embalming fluids
are horrible for the earth. So we loved him rot
in the field. But you've got a map. If there's
(11:32):
anything we can do to attend to your needs or
tend or tend to your needs, either one, which you
get what it means, which one? Thank you for coming,
Debrah to the Psychic Reading Network. Thank you so much
for having me the studio. I have some good news
for you. Do you, guys go on any coffee or
diet coke or anything. I'll do a mixture, haven't I? Yes? Please,
(11:55):
I'm good. Thank you. That sounds good. I have good
Can you can you not shake a coffee? Um? I
can't not shake the coffee. Okay, I have good news
and bad news. Thank you. The bad news is you've
been lied to. Oh my god. The good news is
by me, No, by the people, by the people I
(12:17):
work with, know the people who can, by the people
and the people, but the people who This is not
a guessing game. Your son, I mean part of me.
You're no, your husband is not dead, but he's lukewarm.
Browntown so much? Is that a brown town? Not just
like that name Browntown. Steve is not just what what
(12:41):
do you mean? He lives in me? Go find it. No,
he's he lives in all of us of life. This
is not a game show. Go out to the lands
and find Steve. Find the chip acbra and you will
find Steve. Get out of here. I was just to
(13:04):
make sure nobody needs anythin. Hi, welcome to Browntown. We
understand you wanted to apply for a management position. I'd
love to, right, So can you tell me a little
bit about your experience and knowledge of Browntown as a company. Well,
I didn't even know it was a company. I'm making
a drink called Browntown where I take too brown things.
This time it was diet coke and coffee. But I
can use to brown things of any kind like I've
done a melted touch sickle and just like chocolate, milk,
(13:27):
and you thought you would add the word town even
though it's trademark by the company. I wasn't aware, but
then when I googled it, because I was like, I
could do something with that, because I noticed a really
good reaction whenever I would say it to people, and
I've said it to some really how many brown towns
I am by? Browntown? Alright? So anyway, I googled you guys,
and I am all right, Uh your name again, Duke? Right? Okay, Duke.
(13:53):
So what experience do you have in managerial? Oh? You know,
I was the oldest of X, so you know where
I'm going with that. Managed the family I did. My
mother was an all girl and my father went out,
so I was just taking kids to play dates, setting
little wars between them. See it would be stronger doing
all that stuff, packing snow both of your parents. Oh no, no, no,
(14:18):
not strokes. Oh, Claire, Claire, give me a second. Okay,
I'm talking to clear Okay, you both clearis and say
we're gonna make some cuts here Browntown. We're gonna make
some cuts in Browntown. Claire, not that Claire, Claire, Which
Claire are you cutting? Claire I'm cutting you. Who are
you looking at that? I'm looking at Claire right now,
(14:40):
we're making some cuts in Browntown. Browntown is my life.
I understand that I left another job that was really stable,
and I'm really like to keep this one. I've been
working hard, I haven't missed a day. But clear, you're fine,
thank you, Claire, you're fire me. I'm fired. I can't
be more clear about this. He can't just cleared the
I'm fine, Clare. Every day, every morning I go to
(15:03):
work and I say, I can't believe I'm going to Browntown.
I'm sorry, he's gonna make some cuts. Browntown is too full.
My boyfriends wanted to go to Browntown since since we met. Well,
I'm sorry, he's not you know, had time to come.
But Claire, well, well, well look who's walking crawling? I
might say, back into Beige wage. Huh, Well Claire starting
(15:29):
my old salary. Okay, oh oh, it's not gonna be
that easy. Everybody get in here. What's going on is that? Claire? Yeah,
she looks like she's made out a whole robot part.
What's up? Girl? Look? I just can I get my
old desk back I'm sorry, old desk, because where we
keep the staple is now Claire, you go big an
(15:50):
mpany for us. It's unbelievable. What are you doing way?
Oh my god, sir, you just walked in the door.
Who are you kidding me? Yeah, I just walked in
the door. Yes, I'm not kidding you. Actually you walked
down the door and insist and we're on your land.
(16:10):
Did you want a job here? No? I don't want
a goddamn job from what is this place? Has been
complaining about the contract of the building, Bilding swamp on. Well, then, Claire,
if you want your job back, I say you handled
this issue still. Okay, how can I help you, sir? Well,
(16:33):
first off, I'd like to see the permits that you
guys were allowed to come out on my land. Okay.
I'm sick of the government coming in. I'm sticking to
the conservation just I'm sick of the conservationist. I'm just
sick of it. I want to go out there and
have my family's land to myself and my family. Okay, Well,
let me tend to you. Uh what is your name again?
(16:54):
My name is Juff. Yes, that's exactly right. You pronounce
it better than me your goff Yeah, okay, thank you? Okay, yeah,
I have your file here, you do Yeah, we have
a file on you at page ways. Oh gosh, at
some point you must have given consent. That can't be true.
Can I see that file please? Well, I can give
(17:15):
you the unredacted file. I'm sorry, the redacted half on it.
Think pink. That will never work at think pink. That
scene was off the rail. Hey, let's get to our
(17:35):
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You have to wash that I do. I go in
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(19:08):
guess what, when I want to change out the look,
that's when I change the sock. Because they're stick comfortable.
I don't put your feet off the table. Look at them.
They're nice. Vanessa, you at a point you wanted to
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(19:31):
We need more companies with hearts out there that's going
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They could donate seven more pairs to us. We don't
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today comes from Anthony who wrote, Hey, hello alchemists, thank
(20:15):
you all, thank you for all the laughs. My scenes
suggestion is the following, the normally upbeat HR department at
a big corporation slowly begins to lose faith in their
care workers as the complaints that issues mount throughout the day.
Keep up the good work and thanks again for all
the last Anthony Toronto, Canada. Oh I thought his name
was Anthony Toronto, Toronto. Yes, okay, thank you very much
(20:42):
for calling Think pink. Okay, I'd like to speak at
the HR. Yes, yes, come on in. That's that's who
I am. Yes, well, there are more people that work here.
He's part of it. How many HR? Give me one second? Um? Oh,
I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say to me?
What the hell is going on? What the hell's going
(21:03):
on with you? What the hell's going on with you? Jamian?
I have an individual coming into the department. I want
to talk. No, no, no no, no, no no, May I
just say something? He said he wants to talk to
the HR. When you're talking about I'm not looking at him.
Want whatever that I does, I don't control. That's correct. Okay,
Well then why don't you get into work and look
at me? Okay? I love too. If it was that easy,
(21:24):
I would have never had a lazy eyed Damien. Okay,
you know what what I was taking issue with? You
said you were the HR to You were not am
toot talk to? Oh? I would love to. Could you
guys get away from my cubicle? No, we need to
talk right now. Okay, r we're gonna write you up
(21:44):
if you don't let us over. All right, I'm just
making a major major misstep right now. All right, I'll
just be quiet. You know what, you get the memotion?
Thank you? Yes? Okay, Tim, Tim Earle Strange. You gotta
go hold bunch of names here, a lot of aliases.
Why don't we write this down? Oh yeah, yeah, we're
making note of that. Yeah, you're going to get how
do you guys were going to fight before you even
we're talking. We're community stupid bitch. Okay, we were talking.
(22:07):
Grab him, grab house. Those are my fingers the right, okay, okay,
and help over there. No no, no, no, no, no no,
please don't come over here? Are you sure? Did you
tell him? Carl? How many names do you have? What's
(22:28):
wrong with you? Pull his neck to see if his
head comes off and it's a mask. We still don't
know if he's a mouse or not. We still don't
know that he's a mouse thing if it was a mask,
like and everybody who was a math, I'm sorry, could
either of you tell me where to find the HR department?
(22:49):
This is creative, This has to be Thank you you
two are nuts. I'm kind of prank. Did I get
on the wrong No, no, no, no, you're the right
place you can. He can be hr for now, but
just want you know what? I like that? Okay, So
(23:11):
I had an issue absolutely and ladies shoes, and I
didn't feel safe with my manager. I'm going I've got
this is a little handsy, it's a little hands in
the handgun, no hand hand this is a rather serious issue. No,
(23:34):
I'm taking it seriously, right right, seventh floor, seventh floor,
lad don't look like this? Oh gun kind anyway, if
we could just maybe call him in for some questions. Oh,
that's not exactly the procedure, however, you no, don't call no, no, no,
(23:56):
no thing. Welcome to my mother, get seventh. What's up
to in the motherfucking house? Listen, I'm your manager, but
I'm also your friend. Okay, you mean he kisses, I
(24:18):
mean the kisses. Go low, work, go lower, lower, go lower.
He kissed my booty. Alright, everybody back to work. Alright,
do you have any Manolo Blanc size four shoes? Yeah,
step into my office. I gotta fix that, yo, Jerry, Yeah,
(24:42):
get a little w D four you over here, please,
ok okay, yeah, so we were talking heels, is that right? Yeah?
I just wanted to get some some shoes. Yeah. Well,
this is where I keep the best of the best.
This is the seventh floor. Let me give you my card.
My card is my hand. My hand will caress your face,
(25:03):
Tony T anything you can do for you to start,
all right? Thank you? Jerry here, So if I could
just see do you work here in black? No? No, okay,
no should I I don't know. I just feel like
I feel like this is gonna lead to you going
to the HR department. And it feels like only employees
(25:23):
of this building would go to the HR department. But
where are we? All right? So you want to see
you want to see shoes in my office? All right?
But I want to see shoes. I don't know if
I want to see them in your office here? Why
would you call me out because you do work here? Yes?
I work here? Okay, just as he runs them in
(25:45):
all the bland first self of this weird little feet, Hey,
get back in my desk, I get backing up. But
anyone's a little and they do work for my daughter.
I wasn't employed a discow. Oh that's your door. Oh
(26:07):
I thought it was the desk. All right, listen, Jerry, Jerry,
you're fired. All right, back to you. I want to
make you so uncomfortable that it logically takes you to
h R. What can I do to get that? We're there?
We're there right now? Oh I'm going wait wait wait
wait wait wait? What floor do you want to please? Okay,
you're gonna have to sign in and you gotta tell
(26:29):
me why you want to go floor too? I have
an appointment, that's it. Yeah, you can't go to floor
to what. I'm sorry. I can't let you go up
the floor too. I have appointment with Derek Marenga. Yeah,
I know, Derek marange Is. You can't go up there.
Uh you just leave him on the floor. Let him soak.
(26:49):
I got three boxes, cop, leave him all on the floor.
So let him soak on the floor. All right, you
want to cook? No, I don't need to up alright,
I just I have I have a twelve tent with
Derek Marangue on the second floor. You don't you don't
want to take a freak cup? Mr Marina. I'm so sorry.
(27:10):
I don't know what your twelve ten is. You should
be here any minute, Okay, I don't. I know you
don't like to wait, so I'll go check downstairs. So
it would be great, thank you. You can stack them,
you can if you Okay, fine, fine, I'll take a cup.
I don't want to get one right now. You know
you're just so angry about it before. I don't know
if you would be able to hold it in a way.
(27:31):
Do they say think pink on them? Yeah, it's a company, okay,
and uh, you know I I am meeting with Ms Marangua.
But what exactly this thing pink? Do? I think? Pink
is a multinational organization with subsidiaries across the world that
offers products and likenesses. Why are you laughing? I'm watching
(27:53):
a cartoon of I was tickling him. That's my cartoon.
I all time tickling in cartoon. Okay, look, I don't cartoon.
It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh. I love your
breasts the way you've aoay shaped up? Crazy about it.
I'm trying to lose a few ps. No, don't's the beautiful.
(28:17):
My doctor says it's unhealthy. Well, your doctor doesn't like tits.
You must be an ass man, because let me tell you,
those are lovely be Okay, Kenny, I just wanted to
let you know that your physical checked out great. All
the tests are Yeah, it's just terrific. I just had
an issue, UM in one area. I wanted to talk
(28:39):
to you. Um. Do you belong to a gym? Yeah?
Twenty for our fitness and zoom and what are we
working on when we're there? Usually the elliptical, treadmill, a
little bit of everything, cardio, mostly cardio cardio. I'm thinking
about some upper body strengths. Okay, don't do it. I
don't do a lot of that. I don't think you
do any Okay, yeah, so maybe some so like heat down, doctor,
(29:06):
take the heat down. There's workings. I appreciate the input,
so I'm not overweight. If I gave you fifty dollars
to do ten push ups, do you think you could
do it? Please? Not for money, right, I'm looking for
something incentive about how about chocolate cream pie? You give
(29:26):
me a chocolate cream pie for tim push ups? I mean,
won't the chocolate creampie outweigh the benefit of I'm trying
to find any kind of incentive to get you to
do ten and push ups because I don't think you
can I think you can do three? And I think
you're gonna tap out? I think you can. I think
you could also think that she's, you know, inappropriate. Look,
I'm an otherwise fit man with full sized woman's breasts,
(29:47):
so you a lot of s. Look, you come here
every week to work out, and I just don't understand
what the weight games happening? May you do great? Here?
What the hell do? Is these your pies in your
in your duffle? Yeah? I get it. I get a
few chocolate CREAMI can you keep eating? Pots? Can you chocolate?
Welcome to Victoria's Secret. You've made the right decision. Embrace
(30:09):
who you are. Did you know that people walk around
with bras that don't fit them properly? People? I'm turning
to use like some proper pronouns or whatever, you know
what I mean? Any who, Um, we want to get
you fitted. And did you know our saying here at
Victoria's Secret? What is it I think pink? That's Victoria's
(30:31):
Secrets mottel, Yeah, because there's a company called Think pink.
That's not true. It is to look at the look
at the bottoms on all of these underwear they say pink. Yeah,
I was just had a building like building with at
least seven floors that was for a company called Think Pink.
They they definitely like are a full like corporate. I'm
(30:51):
crazy about the shape of your body that uh like,
I'm a fit man with full size one. Yes, I'm
just here as some underwear, some thongs, but I couldn't
take my eyes off your body. Thank you. Goo shots
on the bottom and the top is just are those
not support it at all? No? Not yet. I'm trying
to get a bra. That's amazing tissue. Thank you? Is
(31:14):
that your own? Yeah, I guess. I mean it's not artificial.
I would love to ask you to touch them, but
probably not. Trying to get a read on you want
to them? No, no, well sure I'll settle for that.
Oh yeah, wow, the same squeashy. What's your name? My
name is yeah, yeah, Well I'm from all around, so
(31:37):
I moved a lot. Okay, well, well this nice salesperson
is still well I have to make an important phone
call with what with this new Think Pink development. Give
me one second, Mr Secrets. Yeah there's a problem, Mr.
Keep talking. There's supposedly another company that goes that's name
is no, I think pink another company. That's what I'm saying.
(32:04):
Did you hear secrets? I guess that's the guy wh
owns a company. But why wouldn't it be miss secret?
It's Victoria's secret and it's also Victoria. Do you have
an addressed for that building? Yeah, it's uh seventeen. You
should take your T shirt off? So hot in here.
Look you're saying, it's a company named Think Ping, Yes, sir,
(32:26):
that's where we have a logo, logo thinking Yeah, huh.
You give me the word and I'll shut that motherfucker down. Okay,
the word is shut that motherfucker down by Mr Secrets. Okay,
I'll take off the shirt for a little bit. So, okay,
that's not what I was expecting. Honestly, what's going on
in here? You put your hands man your back, Put
your hands behind your back. That's a beautiful man. All right,
(32:49):
that's fine. Okay, No, no, we don't expect. Get on
the ground, sir, Get on the ground. I get back
on the ground, doing get your hands off my breast.
I'm sorry, sorry that I had to use the force
on the TI My force, not the Star Wars force.
(33:11):
I don't believe in that are you. Okay, your prests
are bleeding. Come all right, thank you, they're bleeding pretty heavily.
Oh they're deflighting. What Hi? Is this the HR Department?
Yes it is. I am the HR Department. Okay, I'm
not even fighting it can't tell you for a second
(33:34):
would know. I'm busy. I'm writing emails when you were
writing emails. I could be you're programming snake in your computer. Yeah,
I am. Yeah, it's not gonna work. Yeah, I wants
the YouTube tutorial. It doesn't hand you this letter. Okay,
give me a second, touch this. You can please here again, Guys,
I'm working. Just just shut shut the funk up, you
(33:58):
shut up, you put yours still. I don't give a
goddamn I'm HR. Okay, just sharpen your teeth. It is freakish.
It's a freaking it's a it's a bone. You can
sharpen a bone. It's not a bone. We just had
this fight last week, and it's not a bone. I
guess we keep fighting, because do you guess we will? Ken?
(34:19):
Did you get him to touch the letter? Mr? Secret?
You still have the letter? Yes, you just had to
get them to touch it. And then our turners could
take it from there. Yes, Mr Secrets Okay, so what
stuff do you do You think from getting them to
touch the letter you wouldn't believe what's going on in
that department. Well, I'd love to hear. It's too much
to explain. I'd rather commit Harry Cary Okay, Oh no, man,
(34:45):
that's commitment to a belly cut Gloria in another brown
town already seen too. Yeah, you know, I'm back. It's
a lot. Our final scene comes from Robert, who wrote
(35:07):
all the kudos to the team of Alchemists. Shout out
to our all time favorite scene featuring Richard Landry's book signing.
Oh Richard Landry uh with my kids favorite character snoofa
the beach bum My kids. It brings me such joy
as a parent to see my own teens in a
(35:29):
sea of blah faced earbud wearing high schoolers burst out
laughing uncontrollably. Wow, that is bringing generations together. Knew we
were doing good. Thanks for making them look crazy in
front of their peers. Speaking of scene suggestion. While recording
their latest episode of Alchemy, this our performers slowly realized
(35:50):
that they never there never was a podcast, and they're
all in fact patients and an insane as silent. Thanks
Robert more Deneaux, I ancestry dot com. Not only is it? Uh?
Not only can Joey? Can we get it? Not just
near the clean rad? Okay? Thanks? Is this dot com
(36:11):
on my cue? Okay? And three? Why is Joey getting
to do ads? And why is he doing character work?
Craig Chris, It's great to have you back, but we
just get through this. We can start the show. Okay
on this, guys, I just I've never been asked to
do in the had read well, you know, neither of I. Okay,
vanessas on her phone. You know what, guys, is not
on my phone? Competition, she's on her phone because we're
(36:31):
waiting for youtub idiots to shut the funk up so
Joey can finish. And sorry Mr pol Yeah, yeah, fine, sorry, James. Nothing.
I have some startling news and I don't really want
to shirt with everybody. You don't want would you want
to share it with? How about you just tell each
of us one of the time. Okay. I don't know
if he can handle it. Have you ever heard of
(36:52):
the algorithm? But the story of the cave with the
guys in the shadows and the fires. Allegory of the allegory. Yeah,
it's allegory is the word that's looking forward. I don't
want to be killed. That's not what it's about. Okay,
have to do with ancestry dot com. It has nothing
to do with ancestry dot com. I would love to
do an ad read. All right. Let's let's just stop
(37:14):
with the heads, the big wigs, heads, the doctors. What
you're talking about some kind of disease or something. Okay,
well your own teeth, mustaches, storys not off your mustache.
That's gross. Recording podcast. We've been We're not. There's still rolling.
(37:41):
Doug Bam, Doug Bam. Are we recording right now? He's
he's nodding, he's nodding the other way. He's doing a bit.
These aren't microphones bananas. Okay, okay, it is not a
real person. You're telling me that the squshy squshy, tiny
little thing to get fit in my pocket is not
(38:02):
somebody clearly won the edited carnival. Okay, Okay, listen, I recall,
I recall I had a lunch with Mr Pollock, the
award winning actor and thank you guy who's the one
who thought of this, and he said he wanted us
to do a podcast. So I was like in awe
because he's very famous and he's done so much, and like,
I mean, frankly, because I was in your shirt. I'll
(38:25):
let you live what I was inside? What happened? Why
were you inside Chris's shirt? Do you remember where you
were before recording today? Stop crying. I'm sorry, it's just upsetting.
And I just thought that if Mr Paula told me
I was in New York, so you weren't. No, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it sounded like that, I think when I was there
(38:47):
taxi taxio, Yeah yeah. Mr Ralbarado just like that painter's
stop today and by a state building. Where was Craig?
Where were you? I'm trying to get my joke, oh
my outside from all his torch? Craig, do you have
any other outfit than that? They're blue smock? What is
(39:08):
wrong with? What is wrong? You know? He's all about it.
It's it's hospital gear, nobody sports hospital. It's that's why
we're all wearing the same He sent me. That's my
collar bone. Dr Wilson. As you can see the patient's
(39:33):
break at some point during the podcast every single time,
and if we could just keep them in the pocket
a little longer, I think we'd get the progress. It's dangerous,
it is dangerous. It's it's dangerous, life threatening. We pulled
them out on purpose. I guess we don't know what
would happen if we keep them in. I think we
just removed the James he Knee character because he seems
to be the rabble rouser, the troubleminger. But I think
(39:54):
he's a fan favorite. Surprisingly, I think you're right about Okay, yeah,
all right, how about this? Why don't we put James
Heeney character down to a two point three? I like that. Well,
we'll keep the Joey at a at a nine. Well,
is there any other place? Vanessa seems to live great
at an eight point to and Craig is a wild
fight he's wild, So you know what, I won't put
(40:14):
any parameters on that character like that a lot. Chris
Alvarado is perfect. So right, all right, let's go back here.
I'm here to see James. I'm here to see my husband, James. Okay,
just sign him. You're not ready to see James, sweetheart? Doctor? Hi?
Are you she had? Doctor? Yes? I am she's a
(40:36):
doctor patient. Okay, well, what's your relation my relationship to James? Yeah,
I'm I'm his wife. You say you're as dog dog wife.
Let me see your two human So he married the
old heeney. H he put a ring on it. Huh.
(40:58):
You want these pills in this little white cup there,
I'm not going to give those away. I'm gonna eat
him in front of you. I need to tell you something.
James is very sick. I know that's what. He's very funny.
I know that's why he's here. He's a favorite. Explicably,
it's really and I need to tell you something. This
planet that we're standing on, honey, they've got you fleeced.
(41:18):
It's not a planet at all. The Doctor's right. We're
gonna needs over here. Listen. You can't see James face
to face, but if you want to peek into the
quote unquote recording room, you can see him through the glass.
Just want to hug him. Here he is, James. So
we're doing Podcast number three comes from James. He need
(41:43):
you wrote the Shepherd to paper? Why would you write
a scene suggested? Heavens? Kevin has won so many more world, Mr.
Look at this piece of paper. This is clearly this
is just drawing more a question like the issue is
he's waking up. He's he's waking up to the reality
(42:08):
that he's in a hospital, and I have to take this.
My paper is going off. I'm so sorry. So we
have one of two options. Um, the first one is
he goes home with you today. Maybe it's false alarm
on the paper. I realized somebody was pranking me. They
(42:30):
did eight zero zero eight. You know what that is?
Zero zero eight? Booby? Why did you gloss over the
fact that maybe your husband can go home with you today?
Maybe it's better that he stays here. What that's what
I was gonna say. Now hear me out. I'm just
the doctor. Okay, maybe it's better if he stays here
and you guys put I don't know, skewers in him
or something. No, well, we won't do that. But since
(42:53):
he is surprisingly popular with the fans, why is that
the only thing important at this hospital? Because we need
revenue and we need ads. My god, oh my god,
we're not a hospital. A hospital. Should she be here? Absolutely?
Look what I'm wearing under my lab o, My god,
I belong here? How many scars doctor. I wanted to
(43:16):
go over the amount of man hours and money we
are investing in this one single project. Sure, sure, How
can I help you? So you have a group of
of of mad people, that's correct, crazy people. Sure, yeah,
that's a scientific to use the technical term. They're in
a room together with bananas, they think of microphones and
(43:38):
they believe they are recording a podcast. Yes, and we
also have a stuffed animal that's that's supposed to be
a sound engineer. How does that help um morale? Yeah?
Just say that the name Doug bam and brings people joy?
And how were we able to synchronize these this mass psychosis?
I'm going to need this conference room in ten minutes. Okay.
(43:58):
I look, I have its signed up to have it
signed up at two. I haven't signed up until two,
So give me the ten minutes. Okay. Jesus, she's beautiful,
she is she's distracting the bees. So what was your question? How?
How do how do they all have the same psychosis?
(44:21):
How how is this developing into ad revenue if no
podcast is actually being recorded? Well, you have to give
me one second. We are the first ever postable Okay,
so it's gonna take a few months together, you know,
to get some I'm sorry, we're going to cut funding.
What we're cutting funding. I have no idea what you
do in that hospital. And I understand that it sounds
(44:44):
like popsicle, and that's what I wanted. You thought you
thought you were investing in a single popsicle. Yes, you'll
gave us ten million dollars. I know how much I gave.
And I wanted to how long are you guys in
here till two? Again with you? When do you have
the room? It too? I have the room at two? Okay,
(45:05):
it's this is my room. This is my room. About
the room, this is my room. I signed it out online.
My corns are killing me. She is beautiful, but just repulsive.
She's a repulsive person. If I could just your counting,
it is here. You embsied in me and that cool
(45:26):
And it was one of these chips for everybody here.
They're just for you waking the papticle is what exactly
I'm assuming? Of course it's not a deserted sidem Hona stick. Yeah,
it is a dessert idem monaster. Ten million dollars. Yes,
the painting of a popsicle, No whole cherry pop it's
a I refew to believe you paid ten million dollar?
(45:49):
Are you sleeping? Wake up? What's going on? I have knocked? Alright? Fine, fine, fine, James?
What if? What if this isn't a podcast? Hold? Just
what if it is? And what if we are in
a hospital? So you're telling me hypothetically yotic? Okay, because
(46:11):
okay that that this isn't a podcast and Doug is
not a real person and these are bananas. But I
don't know if I want to even if that's the truth,
I don't know if I want to believe in it.
Can't we still make a great podcast? Can't we sto?
We can't. I'm gonna let me show you the insights
of this. You're somebody thetor one of the dog. We
(46:48):
got to use it. We got doctor patient. Okay, noticed
a lot of commotion in the room. You need any
ccs and emails, any anythings to Mr Pollock, help Mr
poll I'd like to thank the academy. Oh wow, wow,
(47:09):
specifically those who voted for me. Yeah, the ones who didn't.
What's that feel like? Righty? Right? Ye? Listen. I know
Doug is dead, but I wouldn't mind hearing Joey go
ahead and do that ad. After all, if we could, please,
who could? Where's Vanessa? She's on her phone and I
(47:30):
think she's just I'm not on my phone. There she is?
I mean, I am, she's on her phone. I am,
but I'm not. There's a picture of you on your
own phone. Yeah, that's what I meant, So I am okay,
But I was just, you know, imagining programming. Snake go, Joey,
do your read? He dyslexic a little? What the what
(47:55):
the fuck is your problem? I haven't probably proved me wrong.
I would love this is the You're either dyslexic severely,
which is fine, or you just don't know how to read.
You're such a piece of Start with the words on
the left and move towards the right in the same
lines like Hebrew. It's just weird that the words starting
(48:16):
on the left. Is the best improviser in this room,
and it seems like he would be. And he's probably
the best reader too. Yeah, I would have say, I mean,
he's probably done the most television safer get it. I'm listening, Craig.
You want to take a shot at this. Joey seems
to be incapable. Sure you wanted me to do it
as my Richard Duncan character from the Famous B's the
(48:37):
one that cut across all four quadrants. Yeah, I mean,
or I can continue to do it. It's good. This
is good. Ancestry dot Cham Yes, yeah, Hey, you want
to put your DNA out there? Wants No, you've got
to murderers in your family. Did everybody's going to see
(48:59):
your d N online? Oh? That's pretty good, Craig was
that guy? Alright? Yeah, I mean it was just off
the top of my Head's let's try from the side
of your head. Then the next one? What you wanted
me to do? This out of the side of my head?
The Landry character the author. Wow, that is coming out
(49:22):
of the side of his head. That was impressive. So
you tell me, Mr Heeney, Yeah, because this all fake.
I hope it is, because otherwise I'm covered in Doug
Babe's blood. You mean you are? Yeah, you're going to jail,
Jim Hi, I'm here, I'm going to pick up Dug.
I'm dog. You're not. I am I'm I'm going to
(49:44):
pick up Dug Babe. I'm dog babe. Thank you? What's
going on? Where is Doug? He's right here. I have
uploaded his information into my body. What ask ask him
a question? Only he would know. We don't set me
up like that, I thought. I think you all. I
(50:06):
think you actually downloaded the But if this is dog,
how come his hands and chopped off with someone else's
bodies in there and they're poking the tiny hands through
the holes that his hands was supposed to be. What's
your problem with that? My problem is that I'm supposed
to pick up dog and this is Doug. I don't
think you have two options. Okay, you can go home,
go home without a Doug. Okay, go home with a Doug.
(50:28):
What's the second option? Go home with a dog? Wait?
That was the first teach me had a dog? James, James,
you were right the whole time. Thank god, there's one
person with sanity, Chris, Can you please help me? Mikes
are delicious. You're right, were all insane. You and I
are the only actual, like brilliant comedic voices. And you
(50:49):
really think that? Yeah, I think we just got a
little sick and we ended up in this room. But
you and I were smart and talented. I mean, people
know us, they know our names. Hey, guys, do you
eat these cookies. Huh, what's up? I'm a nurse. We
eat these cookies. Little cookie? Yeah, I mean, of Chris,
this could be medicine, this could be what's making Hey guys,
there's like a fifty ft long popsicle in here. Oh
(51:12):
hell yes, dude, it's like a five million dollar Popsicles ship.
It's melting quick. Oh okay, I'm gonna eat the cookie.
I'm gonna eat the cookie better. It's better. Now he's
choking on that thing. No, I got it. I got it. Okay,
Just I just need something to drink it with. James, Yeah,
(51:38):
come back, it's uh, Dr Wilson. Doctor, we were talking
to a bunch of people, Thank you, thank you on
the couch while you're still in my office. They just
seem so real. Dr Wilson. And how long has it
been since you've gathered with your friends for the podcast recording? Well,
I believe how long do you think it is because
I have it here on this paper. Well, I since
(52:00):
I'm just going with what i'm hearing seconds ago, because
you just told me I was talking with on the couch.
You were talking to them, but it's just you lying there.
It's been seven months. Oh, you mean in real life?
I mean, yeah, that's right, that's the words we use.
Does that mean that in real life? I was on
a podcast. Oh my god, this is I had it.
I thought it was always fake. We had a little
(52:20):
bit of a breakdown during one of the recording. Really,
Uh was it the calendar man thing? Um? No, that
was the beginning of it. Okay, can we see him now? Doctor? Uh?
Who is that is that? It sounds like Craig Show, Vanessa.
How you doing, man? I forget Chris's name? To forget
(52:41):
Chris's name? I didn't forget Chris's name. A crown of Daisy,
you said, Chris, we made you a crown of Davy.
Oh that's really sweet of you. You know how much
I love crowns Joey and Joey. That's the weird thing
to do. We're here, does he James, And all of
a sudden you're trying to point out the fact that
he might have forgotten me, Like, that's weird to do.
I just I just want to even Ainfield just wanted
all to be on the same appreciate that. Hey, but
(53:02):
how are you feeling? Man? This is Chris James, This
is Chris. I remember Chris, Joey, Dr Wilson. This is
this is the whole gangs back together. I can surely
get out now, right. Is there something you want to
say to Craig, Craig, Um, Craig, I just want to
say that it has been a great pleasure, you know,
performing and uh and you know what's going on? What?
(53:25):
What did you do to him? What? You've been fired? What?
And this is James way of letting her know what
what James? What the fuck? Hold on? Craig is like,
this is Chris James. No, I know chriss I I
Why is the doctor firing Craig? Wait? Second, just reading
from the script here that doctor who do you know who?
(53:49):
It looks like the guy from Wayne's World two afterward
winning after n That was our final scene for today. Yes,
let's thank all of our algams and no particular order,
starting with Mr James, Ny, James, how you feeling? Oh?
I feel a little heavy. It's crazy spinning for a moment,
(54:11):
but I'm glad to be alive and sane. Where can
folks find you in the real world? In the real world, well,
I would say in Venice would be their best bet address.
I'm not going to give that again. But Santa Monica
at the West Side Comedy Theater on the second and
fourth Wednesdays and on the first Sundays of the month
for alchemy this yeah, yeah, yeah, nine pm. Thank you
(54:33):
for that. Craig Katkowski at Kikowski on Twitter, see Kikowski
on Instagram. Loving you. Uh, welcome back, Chris Avarado. Thank
you so good to have you back. Uh. What's Thursday
looked like for lunch? Um? I thought we were Yeah,
we said good, but last time you said check Friday
for luch Let's shoot for Friday for loosing. Thank you
(54:57):
and welcome back niche to What do you call the
cotton candy machine again? That was beard. That's a beard
I love, not the machine itself. That's the cotton candy.
That's what it makes. Yeah yeah, And if you're an
aw it's free. That's correct. Dynasty difference dontacy typewriter dot com.
Oh great, go there, look at the calendar, go see
some shows. A place is amazing. Oh, thank you. Has
(55:21):
anyone seen Joey gret No, No, probably at the learning
nic pile of wet Where, oh Joey, where can folks
find you when they're not standing outside your room. A
pile of wet yeah, pile of white dot com Yeah,
you can find me that up on Instagram. And let's
(55:49):
dyke engineer at the STAB, our sound design engineer, Mr
Raphael I Heart Radio. Oh no, somebody needs doctor. The
doctor will see you now. I'm Kevin Pollock. I've got
a couple of awards. Right to the podcast apparently your
(56:10):
name here doctor after the music. Until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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