June 3, 2021 • 58 mins
Frogs heavily invested in bitcoin.
D & D game changes the world, Jumangi-style.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. That's a dish.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollack. Yes that Kevin pob Thank you. Yes.
I do have a question about the concept of karma.
Is there anyone or anything in charge of who did
what and what will happen to them as a result.
Asking for a friend, his name is Joey Greer. Sure, yeah,
there's numbers three, one, five, five, But let's meet a
(00:26):
roche Michelle. You no particular order, say hey, Chris Alvarado
sparkled bottom longest phone call you've had in the last
two years, and it can't be with a family member
or your fiance. Pass Alchemist and co star of the
upcoming HBO Max comedy series Minx, Miss Jessica Lou It
can't be with her? Is that what you're saying? I
(00:48):
need a long phone conversation long? Sure, Okay, no problem,
right away, I got it. Neil Garjuelo, A lot of
people know him, a lot of people love him, some
people hate him. He's a comedy partner, writing friend of mine.
Here's the thing about Neil. Yeah, you won't text, won't
He's one of those guys. But then I'm starting to
appreciate that. I'm starting to appreciate that. It's a nice connection. Yeah. Man,
(01:10):
this is such a boring answer, I think, but you know,
go look up Niel Garzuelo's work. He's a great guy.
All right, Well, thank you for all of that, I say,
I vote yes. Oh my goodness. There's Jackie d Ruthie
Ballroom Brawler. Do you in fact love to dance? Oh yes,
I love to dance so much. I started taking dance
(01:30):
classes in college. Um. I started watching So you think
you can dance? In high school. I was like, I've
got to do that. I have to express myself with
my body, and so I started taking these classes that
were like for professional people and I was quite bad.
But um, I still take class. I still take classes.
Do Yeah. Yeah, I've been taking classes ever since. I
(01:54):
take hip hop now I've been taking with um. His
name is Havoc. He's the best. He's usually at edge
UM but you can find him at John Havoc on
Instagram and honestly like he's that's hip hop and he's awesome.
Look up Havoc. He reeks. Hey, there's James Heeney. Tommy,
thank you, Bellis. Thanks Tommy, James and the Heen Dells.
(02:14):
You've just taken over the Tonight show from Jimmy Fallon.
How does your first opening monologue begin? Uh? I, it's
gonna have about fifteen minutes of tech work and we're
gonna we're gonna probably have to send a brand newsndcaster
to the whole crew, but it'll turn out great eventually. Yeah, yeah,
(02:34):
thank you for that. And now Craigkowsky with his books
on tape review corner. Okay, okay, I got David Foster
Wallace is infinite jest on forty five cassette tapes. Can
I'm not wait to start listening to this. I've literally
been meaning to get to this novel, and this way,
(02:54):
I don't need to read it. I just know a
list of the tapes and then you've got to switch
out the tapes whatever. It goes to the footnotes and
then back to the regular body of the book. Just
trying to find a cassette player player. There's gotta be
one around here. They did offer it on c D,
but I wanted the real thing. Send your cassette player
(03:15):
to Craig Accoukey, care of Joey Greer at Elm Street,
Los Angeles, California. Nine oh and last, but no rubber
maid rubbers for you. If you think of least, it's
Gary Anthony Williams. It's a pleasure an American place. And
I like Jackie d I too have to express myself
(03:36):
with my body. Yeah, I have. I have to. I
feel like it's different than dancing. Tell us why you
would be the best damn bank teller we've ever hired,
because I care a lot of times. When you walk
into a bank, they care about one thing, and that's
that's your money only. And I owe, I actually owe
(03:59):
the banks. And I never told this story before, and
it's gonna be less than ten seconds. The way that
I established credit, no joke, no joys. I helped catch
a bank robber in Atlanta, Georgia. That is how the
bank helped me. The bank and the FBI helped me
established credit. So I I owe that I recommend that
I do not. I don't recommend that route. I recommend
(04:21):
the best way to establish credit is be born white.
I do recommend that I recommend that it comes with
I think the first bag of diapers. All right, all
of our scenes to thank you for that, all of
our scenes suggestions are gathered from your listener emails and
I greatly appreciate your writing to the show, or they're
gathered from patron v I P s. Perhaps you'd like
(04:43):
to become patrons support of the show and enjoy exclusive
content and other perks like video of Jackie dancing. Just
head on over to patron dot com slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to some of a scene suggested by
a said, email right to us at our new email address,
how Chemy This email at gmail dot com. That's email
(05:07):
at gmail. Seen one comes from patron v P Sean,
who wrote, Hike, Kevin, thanks again for doing my pizza
maker scene. And here's my favorite part of Sean's note.
I haven't listened to it yet, but I'm sure it's fantastic.
In the meantime, he goes on an idea struck my
fancy and really tickled my pink. Hold up capital M
(05:32):
capital e asterisk pink. Anybody what that could mean? Circled
to me? Pink tickled me pink. I'd get that, but
the capital, yeah, it tickled me pink. Yeah. Maybe the
asterisk is going to a footnote. You gotta switch the cassette.
(05:53):
That's it, I gotta switch the cassette. His scene suggestion
is as follows Frogs heavily invested in bitcoin in Sean Sarah,
I understand you want to withdraw all of your money
from I'd like to or like to get all of
my money. I'd like to transfer it from bitcoin, and
(06:16):
I'd like it to be US dollars. Okay, so this
is just be of ay. We don't actually handled an emergency.
I need to take all of the coins. Yes, I understand, sir,
If you would just get get that hop down from
the counter. Yes, I'm telling you right now. I need you, sir.
(06:36):
I am let me get my manager, Sir, I am not.
I am not allowed to handle funds that large. Just
one second, Tina, Hi, Hi, there is a Mr Collidal,
Mr Collidal here, and he Collidal. Thank you. I know
some Collidals. I know some Collidals from St. Lou Swissouri.
(07:01):
That's I know my family. My grandmother grew up with
your grandfather and then your dad ended up being my
parents dentist. Can we have somebody else? TEENA. I would
like everybody put your cute little hands here, but your
(07:21):
cute little hands in the air. See those web fingers.
I'm seeing those web toes. Okay, keep them up, keep
them up. Now, who's the manager here? Who's the manager?
Not to manager, I'm just a bank tell of But
I can get you the manager if you would like,
very helpful. Yes, players, yes, don't do it. Don't get me.
I don't want to be got. Don't do it. Trouble
(07:42):
out here? What's all the trouble? This man is here too.
I'm not quite sure what his deal is. Some credit?
What do I look white? No, it's not gonna work
that way. Okay, here's the deal. I want all the
cryptocurrency you have, and I want you to put it
(08:02):
in this bag. Now, let me explain to you what
crypto currency actually means. I could tell you all these
kinds of money with skulls on it, that's right, and
so it's very difficult to purse inside of the back.
But well, wow, this is G. Thompson with the eleven
(08:23):
o'clock news. Today a bank of America was unsuccessfully robbed
of cryptocurrency. We have the bank manager with us here
today and the other bank manager who refuses to be
called the bank manager bank managers. The fellow came in
asking for again I've never heard this term before. Crypt crypt.
(08:47):
I can't even get it out. Currency. That's right, but
apparently your bank doesn't actually carry still and we are
specialize in coins, and well, that is an amazing story.
(09:07):
I just waved to my wife, who, of course you can't.
Everybody to take time to wave to their spouses. But
if I don't have a spouse, can I just wave?
Can I just wave to my mom? A beautiful lady
like you doesn't have a spot. Don't, don't, don't. We'll
(09:29):
be back right after this word. What are you doing?
You know you don't just cut the segment because you
want to go talk to go on? Did you see
have you seen her? Did you see her? She seems
particularly insignificant to me. If I'm being honesty that one
more time, I don't want. I'd rather not because I
feel like you're gonna get mad at me and hurt me. Yeah,
(09:50):
if you had said it again, I would be angry
with you here. So what your plan? Are you gonna
leave the studio hop on down to the bank to
pick up Tina? What? What? What's your plan here? Gee?
I would like to My mother left me a ring
on her deathbed. This was just yesterday, she said, She said, son,
I hope you find someone beautiful that you can marry.
(10:11):
This is yesterday and today she walked into this. Fine, fine, fine,
but she you gotta take a camera crew with you,
and this has to be a story. Of course. I'm
a newsman. I get it all right, God speed, Thank
you believing God. Huh, what's up? Did you get the
(10:35):
cryptocurrency from the bank, man? Um? Well, no, because it's crypto,
so I just kind of signed up on my computer. Um,
so I didn't get it. I didn't get it from
the bank. So I'm going to have to owe you again.
Just another month, just one another month. Hey, look, your
rate is do you do? And I have it? I
(10:56):
have it, but I have it in cryptocurrency, so it's
it's a little tricky, so tricky to get it to you.
I'm sure I could transfer it to you if you
also had a crypto account, but you don't, so that's
really your problem. If you were to set up that account,
I could easily transfer to you. But since you don't
have that, we're gonna have to wait another month for
me to figure out how to make it crypto from
(11:16):
crypto to uh hard. Oh, m crypto. All right, only
because of your gentle style and your way with language,
am I going to allow you to have another month.
Thank you. Thanks for showing me around. I've never really
been to a prison. I see there's a lot of
(11:37):
flies here though, those flies there, I assuming there are enemies.
Is that how this works? Are in here flies are
our enemies? Yeah? I mean, well the outside we don't know.
I think they're pretty delicious if you ask me, Well,
that's that's what I mean. I mean, but I see
that they're also locked up in here with us, so
(11:57):
I didn't know our arrival game. I haven't spent much time.
I see what you're asking about. Are their rival gangs
of frogs and flies in this prison? Yes, they're all, Yes,
they're all. I gotta say. I I really I'm not
even a criminal. I'm a bad criminal. I'm sure we're
(12:17):
all at us here a ribbit. No, I'm guilty. I'm
just bad. Oh got you? Got you? So? Are you are?
You're not worthy if even being called a criminal? No? No, no, no?
Are you a toad? A toad? Is that? What is that?
Is that? I am a toad? Yeah? Don't don't roll
(12:38):
with the aquatic just on solid land, my friends, solid land.
But you know what, us frogs and toad's gotta work
together here, you know, guys, guys, it's me little Lamar,
Little Lamar. Check this out. Check this out. My wife
came in earlier, right, and now she gave me a
(12:59):
bunch of bits on I'm smuggling bit Calm up my butt.
Anybody need any bitcoin of his? Send him to my cell.
Send him to my cell. You feel me? How do
you get it up your butt? I didn't listen because
I didn't even look. My wife did it when I
was turned around. I didn't even look. I don't know
how she got an up there where that goes from
crypto to hard o. You're gonna feel you got that,
(13:21):
damn right. Yeah, I'm from St. Louis, man, Okay, just curious.
What was this wind that you would ask? That was curious?
Just I'm just a curious frog. Are you one of
the St. Louis Collidal's you? That's a very common frog
lass name in that area. What the hell? What's going on?
What's the thing, what's going on with the heir? What's
(13:42):
going on? What's the face? All right? All right, all right,
I'll spill it. I'll spill it. I'll just say when
I was when I unsuccessfully robbed that bank, I noticed
that Collidal was there trying to make a transaction that
I think also might have been of the illegal nature. Okay,
there I said it. Okay, there, Okay, there, I said it. Okay,
white Wait flies flies, f you're just flying on by,
(14:05):
my friend, just fly on by. Oh they're scary. They
are scary. Oh God, I hope she likes me. I
hope she likes me. Hello hello, Oh, yes, hello, h g.
I was in viewing you on the news or earlier. Yeah,
(14:27):
that's right. That was really exciting for me. I'd never
been on camera. My mother died yesterday. I am I'm
so sorry to hear that. No, it was her time.
It was her wow, okay, a long life then a
long she was oh, okay, so very but it was
(14:47):
her time. But it was her time. And you would
know that better than me. I don't. I've never I
don't know if I hadn't seen her in a couple
of years. But yeah, okay, she left me. She left
me a ring beautiful the fire ever found anyone who
was worthy of the ring that I should will you
marry me? Wow? Me? Hi? There? Would you too like
(15:11):
to hear the special? Yeah? Yeah, okay, we've got frog's legs,
you know what? Oh what else? What else? Okay, yep,
we've got t bone steaks. Get some fish? Gets brenzino?
(15:37):
What's happening here? You got any um bugs or leaves?
Even I deal with a leaf? You know what? Let
me bring over. We have a very special waiter to
handle you kind so I'm sorry, excuse me, just give
me a moment. I'm here with my lady. You just
(15:59):
said you, Jim, Jim, you gotta get out there. Okay, yeah, yeah,
get out there. But I'm not sure. Okay, which table
is it? Oh? Anyways? My mother? Is there anything I
(16:22):
can get you guys for your your meal? What do
you think? Should we just split him? Look? He looks delicious,
but he's here to help us. Oh okay, I mean
I'm not saying no. I'm not saying no. I mean
you're beautiful. You're speaking very lowly. I can't quite hear you.
We have frog legs. If the only thing he can
(16:44):
offer us is more legs eating for just for me,
for you? Yes, and you better put that ring right
on this grubby, little webbed finger right here. Yeah, tiny
but delicious. All right, Um, I've just now spent some
(17:05):
time here in this prison, so I'm a little uh more,
you know, used to how things go around here. And
I think I want to start a business, you know,
you know in in in the upright prisons they have
stores right where they sell commissary. I'm thinking here, I
think we should slank some of that crypto that old
so and so has got up his ass. I mean,
(17:27):
let me ask you a question. Is a frog's asked
cryptotype is as a zen cohen? What is that? I
know how much crypto you got up there? My life
didn't tell me how much you just said. Turned around,
I'm about to shove a bunch of crypto up you ass,
all right, Ted, You're a toad you reach up there
(17:48):
and see how must cryptos up there? Anybody can reach
you up there. But I feel like it's more of
a toads job. Where is that more of a toads job?
I don't disrespect, no disrespect one of you. I'll just
reach you up my ass and get the crypto. Let's
not find like this in front of welling up and
there you can make it. He's right, he's right, he's right,
all right, all right, all right, I'll do it, I'll
(18:08):
do it all I don't know my hand, you don't have,
you don't have to tell us. Just do it, Just
do it. Don't narrate us thrivery staff in either either
rush or take your time doing it. Don't make another matter. Wow,
you're something else and here we go, all right, and
(18:31):
it stills comfortable. Huh. Okay, okay, you'll know when you
find that. No, I got nothing, I got nothing. Has
anybody even seen this crypto currency? I'm distracted. We should
go attack now, putting the hands it to the butts.
(18:52):
We should go ta out, yes, yes, while they have
their hands up their butts. All right, everybody, stick your
own hand up your own butts. See if there's any cry,
I'm looking at you. All right, all right, now, looks
it's elevated. All hands all but before before free hand,
(19:18):
stick your free hand in a partner's mouth. Okay, so
we got all bases covered here, all carry buds, all right.
It's like a told version of the human stup. I
know there was so much more to cover there, but yeah,
(19:40):
do you think there was any crypto in there but
seeing dudes From Curtis Colman, who wrote to our new
email that's Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. He wrote, Hey,
you funky bunch. Thanks for all the laughs and good times.
This podcast act makes me look forward to my tedious
(20:02):
drives to and from work in a sewer truck. My
favorite alchemist has to be Vanessa Raglan as long as
she's not doing her gravelly hobo voice. Wow, it's a
signature anyway. And my favorite character has to be the
infamous Mannai's Man. My idea for a scene suggesting a
(20:26):
group of friends playing a new Dungeons and Dragon style game.
Unbeknownst to them, though things are changing around town Jumanji style.
Wish you all well and don't ever stop making this
amazing podcast. Curtis Coleman. Okay, kids, listen, we're gonna go
out your mother and I and we're gonna get some
(20:47):
dinner for the whole family. We come back. Uh, I'm
wanna make sure your rooms are all cleaned and you've
washed your hands and you're ready for supper. We'll be
back in about forty minutes. And what kind of food
are you? And Mama Gon and bring back. Yeah, so
I don't know how things go with that private school yours.
But back in the house, now that you're with us,
someone to remind you that we go and get dinner
(21:09):
however we want, and you eat it when we come
back with it. Can you take a picture when you're
at the restaurant of exactly what you're bringing back, exactly
what we're going to eat? You say, I don't, I can.
I should not choke him out right, don't choke him.
Don't choke him obviously, don't talk to him anymore. We've
got a reservation. Yep, we're gonna go. We'll come and
(21:30):
taking pictures and when we get there. Okay, I love you.
I love you mother, I love you father. Now where
were we it was? Where was? Where were we? We
were building our characters? I landed on I am half
dragon because you guys are gonna play. Who invited her?
(21:58):
I invited her? Mom? My, mom and dad just left.
You could have come through the door. Yeah, but this
is this is way more cool. This is so much.
Hold on, hold on, Daryl, Daryl, what's going on here?
You're just bringing girls into the club now, Yeah, the
new didn y Can I come home from this closet. Now, yeah,
(22:20):
come out, Jake, come out. Oh bad, your parents are scary, Daryl. Yeah,
dad won't even take a photo of what kind of
food he's gonna bring back? What kind of dad is
that we have? Or what's your name? Girl? Um? My
name is Charlie, so maybe that will be cool with
(22:44):
you guys. I don't know. She's at our English class. Okay, Charlie,
you don't. You don't have to feel you don't have
to feel like one of the guys to be here
with the guys. She wants to join you go flag fry,
thank you, thank you so much. Wants to join this game.
She's got to be serious at least, all right, Charlie.
A couple of questions. One, what are your powers? Hands,
(23:07):
hand eye coordination, fast talking, some nimble, nimble in the tongue,
nimble tongue. What do you mage a dolf? A troll?
I am a troll, fast talk control, fast talking troll
with very good hand eye coordination and a strong grip.
(23:32):
And what's your weakness? My weakness is flowers. What why
are you two looking at each other? What do you mean?
I say, what your weakness? You looked at Darryl and
you both looked at each other's lovingly. Right, Jake, you
(23:53):
saw that. Yeah, I did see that. I like to
look at Daryl to look I like to look at Charlie.
This is gonna be a long game. Okay, Well, need
I remind you that when we are in battle, everything
(24:13):
goes Okay? That means all powers will be used against
other characters and there are no take back seas or
being soft understood. Is this that the door? What's that
your door? I'll answer it from here? Come in, nerds.
I saw my sister come in here. What's going on? Brandon?
(24:34):
Get out of here? Hey, Brandon, what's up? Oh well,
it's like you guys, you're playing some games. We're not
playing yet. I'm just about to practice rolling the destruction die.
Wat's this? What happened to your brother? He just fell
to the floor. He's bleeding. Um. You threw the dice
(24:56):
right through his heart and it opened up. Um? Should
I be crying? I feel like I should be feeling something,
but I honestly of healing. Maybe that would work. Okay,
I'm looking through the book. Okay, I'm looking through the book.
I don't see anything about actual Honestly, guys, Brandon's a
(25:18):
bad guy. This could be a blessing in disguise. He's
really mean, Charlie, I don't. Will you look to your
brother's hole in his chest? Do you see a flowery
world in there with rainbows and stuff? Is that usually there? Um?
I've never opened up his chest before, and I'm honestly
surprised to see that it does look so bright and
(25:39):
happy because he's got it dark. In my opinion, he's
got a darkness within well, Daryl. Yes, sir madam, welcome
to sha What what? Maybe? What? Maybe start you off
with this evening? Yeah? Honey, you want to drink or something?
(25:59):
I'm sorry, I was speaking to you or your wife?
What may we start off with this evening? Mum? Why
would you put it that way? Honey? You want something
to drink? Oh? Wow, wow, sir, you're being a real
ass right now. I was asking. I was asking you
or your wife what would you have this evening? Uh?
And uh, suddenly you're speaking to her instead of me.
(26:22):
I'm talking right at you. Okay, yes, please? Is there
a manager or someone we can talk to this? Certainly? Yes,
hold on this one second. Thank you very much, sir,
you're welcome. I think at this point maybe we don't
want to eat your honey, because, no matter what happens next,
I'm not going to trust your food is not spitting. Okay,
I'll tell you what's gonna happen next. I'm gonna he's
gonna bring a manager back, and I'm gonna choke them
(26:44):
both about that. I'm the manager. Oh Jesus, uh yeah, Hi.
So your waiter here was given some lips in front
of my wife and I'm offended, and i'd like our
meal comped tonight. Well, let me wave my wand and
(27:04):
bank account has been cleared. I just got a message
from BA and it says we got zilch left in
the account. Okay, all right, nobody panics. So based on
the moves we've made, Darryl, any time you make a move,
something in the real world changes. That's strange. What do
(27:27):
you what do you mean? Hold on? My mom's calling? Yeah, my,
um so we need you to ford a stupe then
mo right now, could you friend my mommy? Just hold
on just a second. Let's prove a point. Then if
what you say is true, if I rolled the dice
(27:48):
of prosperity, then my mom will be rich. Right, that's
how it should work. Stop looking at Charlie, Charlie, blow
my die for me. Roll seventeen pretty good. Oh that's
a solid. Look at this. Look at these diamonds. Honey,
(28:10):
Oh my god, come from I don't know. I gotta go.
Hell is happening? Didn't you call your mom to talk
to her about something? She didn't call you, I don't remember.
I think she called to ask for money. Oh yeah, yeah,
called me, called her sense because your head not in
(28:36):
the game, Charlie, you're over here, la la lamb staring
at Darryl, and it's getting annoying. Jake's really upset you, Jake,
are you upset? Totally upset? We've got an army of
goblins when you to defeat guys. I understand my bad
all right? Next up, like we can't deny, Like how
(28:56):
fucking dope his rolling skills are. And like you think
things are going on just outside in the world, whenever
he rolls, things are happening in my body. Whenever he rolls.
She's got to express herself through her body. Yeah, just
expressing myself through my body. Well, coincidentally, Jake is rolling
(29:19):
next and he's rolling for closet time. That means whatever
he rolls, that's how many minutes Charlie and Darrell to
spend in the closet. Okay, you're a weird DM. Man.
Charlie was rolling for time with me in the closet,
and I thought, I don't want to go with the
(29:41):
closet with you. I really just think we should leave
this restaurant. I'm the second manager. I'm another manager. I
understand that you weren't happy with what the first manager
how he handled it, but I'm also the manager here.
So you look like I'm sorry, but I hate to
(30:03):
say this, but so far we've felt you look like
a lizard. Man. I just there, I said, I'm actually
a frog, very different. We've got lizards that are reptiles
and frogs that are amphibians. Either way, I can relate
to you. Were just two married women, aren't we. Okay,
excuse me, miss frog. Honey guy, I'm gonna choke Tina.
(30:29):
In the second, I'm gonna choke out the frog, and
I'm gonna choke out the manager. And in the way, okay,
the frog is also the manager. There's two managers. Um,
there's two managers. Sorry, I was listening to you know,
I appreciate that, Tina. You care about it all? Right,
come out, your time is done. Come out, Jake? What
are they doing in there? I don't want it all?
(30:51):
Why not? How aren't you curious? Let them have their closet.
Time is private. You're the per s DM I've ever had.
All they're asking is how is what they're doing in
there affecting what's happening in the real world. Aren't you
curious about that? So wait, you're saying that them making
(31:13):
out the closet is Jamaji style causing something that happened
out there in the world. I don't know. Maybe, but
first of all, I just assuming they are even making out.
I don't think Darrel's even kissed before. I haven't heard
a thing. Let me listen. No, I don't hear anything.
Maybe maybe there's a hole with the back of a wardrobe.
(31:37):
So you tell me there's not only a hole in
Brandon's chest, but there's also a hole in the back
of the wardrobe. Yes, and we haven't explored any of
these possible worlds that have opened up. What are you
think is gonna happen? Because to see how long people
going to the closet. All right, Jake, we've been on
this campaign for weeks. Bro new idea, new idea. Let's
(31:58):
roll to see how long? All right, yeah, I'll roll
and however many minutes it is, is is how long we
have to hug and her noses to touch hug you? Man?
I just wanted to Jake come into my office, please, Son?
What is it? Father? I don't like it when you
(32:20):
take that tone with me, but I done. I respect
you for it is what I was saying. Son, I
got a call from the neighbors that said you were
over their house last night, rolling die and touching noses.
Is that? Yeah? That sounds pretty accurate, right. So I'm
(32:44):
gonna read to you from a book called There's No
there's no title, book no title. Yes, it's just it's
not mysterious. Done. That's the problem all you kids keep
looking for alternate meanings in something. It is what it is.
(33:09):
I'm done reading. I yes, yes, I read it. Um
Darryl Charlie's frowly. No. Jake went home and it's getting late,
so we're still in the closet. Can you just let
us just let us do be? So what's it like
(33:29):
in there? Are you seeing anything that's different than normal life?
Stop being real pervy right now? Well, can I watch you? No? No,
you did this to yourself? Are you guys not being
nice to all of your friends? All the friends are
supposed to be treated the same way. Open that door,
(33:51):
Open that door. They're happy. Ma oh, by goodness. Now,
like a friend in the closet with you two. Okay,
that's not funny to just have a friend come over
while you're having fun in the closet. Okay, as somebody
(34:14):
at the door street hod, I'm gonna get that. Okay,
I'll go with you. I'll go with you to the door.
You guys behave together. Okay. Hey, we're we're a thousand
goblins that have somehow been manifested into this world. But
we're we're we're just out here waiting for something to happen.
Get my gun. I mean, there was such a build up,
(34:36):
there was such a build up, we thought for sure
something would happen. Right, So you say you're goblins? Wait,
wait quick, clearly we're goblins. Were an army of goblins.
I've never seen one before, my mistake, and you're new
in town. Is that what I'm picking up? We got
manifestated in this world. Okay, look, is there somebody here
(34:57):
that has access to some kind of alternate dimension? Yeah,
that's the Johnson's next story. You want to go to
that place? Okay? Because we thought somebody's playing a board game,
and then like j style, like, there's no children in
here playing some streakout game. Kids, So why didn't you
(35:23):
just answer us? I mean we were talking to you,
and you instead you're talking to your wife. You should
have just told us. Yet. All right, come on and
the kids are in the back road. Thank you. We've
got about eleven years. You've got a good deal. Look,
all I'm saying is I feel like the only thing
that's changed is you two are in love and no
(35:44):
one likes me. Well, really, the only thing that's changed
is we're in love. We're in love. You've never liked me.
I mean that you're You've got a cool house, and
you bring the game, so we like that. No, I understand.
(36:06):
I guess I'm just gonna head out. Then hey wait wait, wait, wait,
wait before you go here, my mother gave me this
special die when I was four years old. It was
my very first d in d die. I want you
to have it. Why don't you give it to your girlfriend? Hey,
I've given my girlfriend a lot more than that. Multiple
(36:30):
what's that? What's that noise? Like someone's coming up the stairs.
I don't know. Maybe it's the cops looking for your
dead brother. Oh ship, we want to hide that body
seem to Oh no, oh god. See three. He comes
(36:56):
to patron v I p. Robert william I see you
guys have a new email address, which leads me to
conclude somebody opened up some naughty spam and accidentally ruined
the inbox for everyone. Maybe next time, don't open the
emails promising a bigger, longer, stiffer penis, which brings me
(37:18):
to my scene suggestion, bigger, longer, stiffer spam all the best,
it seems to be the problem, sir, Well, my my
wife purchased this spam here just I don't know, it
says on the receipt on Friday, and it's it's not
the right texture here with your fingers and spam to
(37:44):
be You know about the consistency of I don't like
when you poke a baby. You know, I never put
those two things together, but you're right, it's very similar
to poking the baby. Yeah, so I'd like to exchange this.
It's it's the bulk version, the long came spam, and
it's a way too stiff and hard. I sing, ye,
(38:05):
let me you have a credit card that you use
them for the purchase. I don't have it with me
because that's my wife's but you can see on the receipt.
But I'll just take cash back for you know what.
Hold on a second, I could probably just get my
wife's card. Let me call her on the phone. Did
you mind ever help the folks behind you while you
work if you must, But like this shouldn't take long.
I'll be on the phone with my to the right
(38:27):
a little bit. Yeah, you know, buddy, I don't mind
if he makes a phone call to his wife. I'll
wait on my spam. That's foinoing me. Okay, the way
he's following me, my man, she said hard. She'll run
it in in a second. Yeah, I got a day, brother,
I got all day. I know that I'm only I
know I'm two people behind, but I don't have all day. Yeah,
(38:47):
let's help this lady out. She's going to go ahead
and go up, then I'd rather go ahead and take
my turn. Then I would already be done if we
didn't get help. This play both sides of this, sir.
I'm going to help up the lady now if you
don't stand to the right. Okay. Well, for the record,
this place sell stiff spam. Okay, this is a stiff
spam selling spot. Now we lost one. That's a shame. Yes, ma'am.
(39:12):
How can I be of service? I just needed to
buy this acid tone and I was also looking for um. Ham. Sure,
I know you've got an aisle ful of spam I needed.
I didn't see any Ham. You did not see him
kind of Ham, would you like? I want smushy ass Ham.
(39:32):
I want it to be very, very mushy, almost like
the consistency of cottage cheese. Alright, so Ham, Yeah, I
got a feeling she doesn't realize what spam is, ma'am.
Spam sp a in this similar proportions as me. It's
pretty much what you're looking for. Just well, I'm looking
for Ham, and I'm looking for it to be smushy
(39:53):
ass Ham, and all I'm seeing is long, hard, stiff spam.
Oh boy, And what I would like is smushy ass Ham. Okay,
but thank you for telling me what I'm looking for Oh, oh,
here we go, Here we go, here, yeah, here we go.
You want to go, Doris? Did you tell the man?
(40:14):
Did you speak up to the man? You say, I did?
You know? Because I am done being rolled over? I
am done. I am there to be Doris. I'm Doris, baby.
That's the thing about man to this trifling ass ones
to roll over you ladies? Which floor? Which floor are
you going to? How about all of them? None of
(40:37):
your business. Actually, we'll get off exactly when we need
to because we're not idiots. We're not idiots, and you
can't help us get all you gave him. You know,
I get off faster when I helped myself. Those left
the sofa's pet. So hey, buddy, excuse me? Did you
(41:00):
just poke my baby? It's I I'm just testing. I
just wanted to poke my baby. I apologize. It doesn't
seem like it bothered the baby. So all's well, that
ends swell. Well, you woke him up a little bit.
Well why would you do that? You don't even know me. Well,
I just want to make sure I'm not crazy. Okay,
(41:21):
I've got this kind of spam, and I always know
that a good spam has the consistency of a poked baby,
and I've I've gone through. This is the third can
of spam, and this year is very hard. But I'm
wondering if it's me. It's changed here poking pok it.
I'm not gonna eat it anyway, it's just poking, Darryl.
I've been trying to get the baby to sleep, but
(41:42):
it seems like he must have been awake a little
bit all day long. What the hell is going on here?
Yes he was, but look, I gotta tell you this
was an interesting experiment that that this random guy I
met on the street engaged me in and look, I've
got a can of spam here and I've got the
(42:02):
baby here. Poked them both. Doris was right, No, Doris
is crazy. Okay, thank you for everybody for coming to
this meeting at the Spam Quarters headquarters. We're gonna do
a quick roll call jan Dan Man Man, You're gonna
(42:28):
have to give us a name at some point. Anyway,
that's enough for now. Now listen you. As you all know,
we are in direct competition with email dot com. Okay,
so we need to rebrand the spam if you know
what I mean. If they want to come harder. We
can go harder. You know they want to get dirty,
We can go dirty. Dan, you got some dirty thoughts.
I want to call it GOP. Can we call it Google? Oh? Google, Google?
(42:51):
I am writing that down Google. Okay, anybody are there
at this point? Are there any bad ideas? Good question?
They ain't bad idea? What's what was that funny ding?
But because you know, people would be doing a meeting
and then they'll just say they're no bad ideas, and
then somebody have a bad idea. But the guy just
(43:13):
said there's no bad ideas, so you like, there's no
bad ideas. Thank you for explaining that. Now, Man, are
you asking because you have an idea or you just
asking if there are any bad idea? I have an idea,
but I think it's not great, So I'm just I
want to see if you're one of those guys that
he would you understand that we are indirect competition with
email dot com? I mean, sure, idea. Do you understand
(43:34):
the stronghold they've taken over the word spam? Yes? Then
I think if you know those two things, your idea
is going to be perfectly valid. Let's hear it, spam
mail dot com. Okay, alright, Email dot com executives, let
me just make sure everybody's here. Email Gail, gil kil
(43:59):
cal Hel, what's up? Okay for me? You're not gonna
ask for mail. You're not gonna ask for mail. Is
that we need to get support mail I supposed to
tell you Ishmael is actually out this week. But well, okay,
(44:23):
spam has thrown down, Spam has thrown down losers. Uh,
and we've got to respond. We've got to respond there's
no bad ideas. That's what that was going to be
my first question. All right, um, look, we think it's
(44:43):
very healthy that representative from each of the company do
the do the debate. So we have mail from email
dot com and man from spam. So okay, yea and
eminence for the debta did you just want us? Because
I know blood, no blood, no eyes, no growing areas.
(45:06):
Are there any bad parameters in the bad parameters? Because
like if it was a mean right, and he started
out the meaning saying there's no bad ideas because you're
starting this out it's like a meeting, but there's parameters.
He's wanting to visit the bad parameters because people used
to say there's no bad meeting bad christs. I know
(45:30):
it's it's so unlikely, but these debates that they're hosting
on showing up on this CTV, it is absolutely it
turns out riveting. They're allows versus male. I've been watching
these man versus mail debates for for weeks. It's amazing
how blood It's not just a debate, it's also the
(45:50):
hand to hand combat and often with uh, you know
violent Uh what are they called tools? Not tools? Yeah? No,
I know what of me? I've been watching it. Doris,
Doris lost its First of all, you should not have
been talking to a trifling man trying to use their
weapon when you know that women don't use. Yes, but
(46:12):
you don't have to. Don't think yourself to their level.
Why we're at the top, Cane will tell you what
we want to get off the elevator. We will say
when you when you can push out a button. We'll
tell you when to push out a button until the end.
Don't push out a buttons. Thank you very well. Listen,
this is why I need you in my life, because
(46:34):
you know the words that I literally can't even get
out of my goddamn mouse. They in there, girl, But
you don't need to let them out. You know what
I'm saying. It was like, have you ever had? Okay, okay,
I think we can all be happy with this. We
have now joined forces with email, dot com and spam
to make a product that the world has yet to see.
(46:58):
I think this is where we've been headed, everybody, and
I'm happy for this new day. Yeah. Please, she can
go first before me? Women, women who women and children first.
I'd like to say we. I mean, you rose your
hand first, so I rose to say, if it is
a lady who's going to speak, i'd like heard ago first.
That was that was the reason for your hand raising?
Very well, yes, ma'am. And I was just gonna say,
(47:21):
if there are no bad ideas at this point? Are
there bad ideas at this point? You're going to say,
if there are there are no bad ideas at this point,
then as we merge, I think that they should really
be investing in. Before you say your point, ma'am, he
has his hand raised now. Since he was the first
person to raise his hand before you, I think it's
(47:41):
just fair to hear him out. I think I think
nobody's going to be happy about what I have to say.
Let's okay, um, I was just gonna say, I think,
now that our powers have come bined, what the best
thing to focus our minds and our energy on is
turning crypto to hard oh, because actually no one has
(48:03):
actually cornered that market and we together can I gotta
put my handback up, And this time is to speak
for myself. I know this whole spam email thing, but
now I just found out that the Keebler Cookie Company
has gone in with with with Molti Media Company and
(48:23):
then now making Insta Graham Crackers. And I think, excuse me, no,
I waited in this line earlier. I just need to
get a card. Excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sir ya back,
thank you. This is my wife's card, and i'd like
the long the long firm s brought his wife's credit
(48:48):
card because apparently he doesn't have one. Oh, I have one,
it's just not the car that was on there. But nonetheless,
what I'm looking for is a real loose something like
baby touch spam. Well, actually, now I am going I
want it further. I want something with an even looser
consistency than liver sausage with a spam flavor, like really
(49:09):
running meat, ma'am, sir, do you know that you're in
a bath? Oh? Bye, okay, it's go ahead. I'm sorry.
I just thought I would insult all men and women
in one fell through. Do you realize you're in a
bed bathroom? Bon? Oh my god, I did not what
it was she thinking searching for meat at a bed bathroom?
(49:31):
Beyond Look, I know we got to a rocky start.
I was your elevator man, but I'm glad that you
haven't invited me out to dinner, both of you. Both
of you and suggest the smoshy ass ham. May I
suggest because it's very good here and dorith Normally I
would not disagree with you. I'm going to suggest the
running ham. Then through a straw you can suck it.
(49:57):
You know how some meats fall off the bone. Yeah,
this is your throat. It literally falls down your throat,
through your entire elementary canal and then moves right out
of your body. Okay, so this is gonna happen, right, Huh.
(50:17):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What was I don't I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry. This just into Channel five and Channel
eight news. This is g speaking with you. A man
was blunting to death by a can of bigger, longer,
stiffer spam. Today, two women were seen escaping the scene
(50:42):
by rubbing what is best described as running ham all
over their body and slipping out from underneath the crack
of the door. We'd like to have film and footage
for you at eleven, but I just realized film and
footage or the exact chame thing, and we'll have neither
back tomorrow morning. Well, it's it's great to get the
(51:03):
old D and D crew back at his funeral. I
always knew that guy would grow up to be a
total creep. Yeah, watching people, what if? What an absolute
cree And of course, of course two women are going
to kill him because they have the right, like they like.
He definitely provoked them. Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, I'm married.
(51:27):
One of the goblins. Will ever tell you that. Yeah,
we actually got divorced. We've actually but we're still friends.
Were we're better friends than we were married, and then
we were friends before we were married. I don't care.
I didn't care then, I don't I don't care now.
But we care. That's the whole point, Like we seriously,
(51:48):
we really care about this is spread for everybody. By
the way, it is for anybody, just spread for anybody
who dares to to retain and grab them. Yeah what
Darren meat to grab a snack at the funeral? Okay,
so this is d N D double D Dare we
double and dare you to grab a snack at the funeral? Yeah? Yeah,
no problem with what I love? Well, what the fuck? Well,
(52:21):
it's just like my dad told me. My dad told
me when I was a kid son, Someday you're gonna
fall in love with the manifestation. Whatever you do, don't
let them eat not in front of you. Make sure
they turned that back to you and eat in private,
same way a wild dog does. So it'll take the
meat from your hand, but it will turn away from
(52:42):
you to Sorry by ear buds and dad, what were
you saying? Fuck off? That's our show, Oh mommy, make
it stop. I want to thank all of our alchemists
today for uh yeah, blowing mind and keeping the flame
(53:02):
of insanity alive inside my sad little brain. Uh. Starting
with Mr James Heeney. James, thank you so damn much
for being here. You know we uh we missed you
last week. You've landed safely in the state of Illinois
and how are things there? What can you tell me?
Are wonderful? It's that sweet spot of the year where
(53:25):
it's not as hot as hell in the summer and
it's it's spring, is what it is. I think there's
a little time left of spring. Oh great? And uh,
can you bring us back anything? I mean, last time
I tried to bring back deep dish pizza got nasty
because I'm driving and I don't have refrigeration. So that
(53:45):
was kind of on you, though, I don't know we
could blame anyone else. Sure, I'll take it, okay. Uh,
Chris Avarado, thank you so much for being here, buddy, Oh,
thank you for having me. Got so much fun to
play with. Everybody here, Jackie and Gary. It's cool because
Gary and I we have the same middle name. What's
the middle name, Anthony? So he has by Gary Anthony Willie. Yeah,
(54:07):
and I'm Christopher Anthony Alvarado. It's it's pretty commonly known
among my fans. He has fans, I have fans, We
have fans. He went ahead and put it in his
full name, which is like, okay, you know what I mean.
But he's got three names, You've got just the two,
So okay, I'll leave it there, Okay, fair enough. Jackie
(54:28):
Gonzalez do Ruthie also with three names, so many names. Yeah,
thank you, this is so fun, what a joy, what
a treat. We love having you on the show. Please
come back and back and back and back and back.
What an absolute blast. Thank you, and folks will look
you up on the Instagram. Yeah, I'm at Jackie D
Ruthie And actually earlier Gary, you called me Jackie D.
(54:51):
And that makes me feel like home because I grew
up still to this day, my best friend, but since
we were in second grade, her name is Jackie as well,
so we're always Jackie E and Jackie D. So growing
up everyone calls with Jackie D. So I love to hear.
It makes it feel good. That's another thing that Gary
has over Chris. All right, and Gary, thank you so much.
(55:15):
Thank you alienating Chris for being here today. Like you said,
that is on Chris. Yeah I don't know that. Yeah,
just exactly like you texted me, Chris, I forgot about
the text. I love doing this stuff with you guys.
It is always, it is always just an absolute pleasure. Yeah,
(55:38):
I'm not sensing any sincerity at all. You should have
sent some so yeah, okay, I'll take it. I'll take
a smidge. Thank you Gary, Thank you, my friend, Craig
Anthony Kakowski, thank you very much for being my pleasure
or criggy Cee, you can call me. A couple of
(55:58):
virtual virtual shows to promote on Sunday, June six at
one pm Pacific time. Uh, my old improv group Dasisky.
We do these periodically where we read the transcript of
one of our old improv shows and then we do
a Q and A afterwards and a little like nerdy
improv analysis on that. It's only fifteen dollars and you
(56:19):
can r s v P at info at Bronze Metal
Entertainment dot com. And uh, The Thrilling Eventure Hour I
live in archives. For folks getting this after the day,
it's you gotta be there or or not, okay, just
for folks who are catching this in time. Yeah, and
uh The Thrilling Eventure Hour is doing another show and
(56:40):
tel show where we show embarrassing old clips from our
show biz past. Uh. That will be available in archives
if you purchase a ticket. That's Saturday, June twelfth at
five pm Pacific, and you can find information about that
at House Seats dot Live, How Seats dot lone, Garrett,
did you have a follow up? I forgot to say,
(57:00):
watch Love Death and Robots someone the New, the New
and the Old one on Netflix. Then and then I'll
shut I'll shut up now, no, no, please. I love
to share, really, and I promised. I promised myself I
would shut up after I mentioned Love, Death and Robots
for the rest of the weekend. I'm glad we caught
you in ton. Let's give great thanks to Doug Bamer
(57:23):
and engineering stars find folks that I hurt media. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollack, sending my thanks to each and
every damn one of you for dialing us into your ears.
If you'd like to use your eyes as well, head
on over to patroon slash patron dot com, slash alchemy
(57:45):
this and that's where you're gonna get all those special
treats like video of our insanity. UM, please be kind
you each other. It's the easiest thing to do. I promised.
Were masks when they are asked and until next time,
I Alchemy
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. That's a dish.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollack. Yes that Kevin pob Thank you. Yes.
I do have a question about the concept of karma.
Is there anyone or anything in charge of who did
what and what will happen to them as a result.
Asking for a friend, his name is Joey Greer. Sure, yeah,
there's numbers three, one, five, five, But let's meet a
(00:26):
roche Michelle. You no particular order, say hey, Chris Alvarado
sparkled bottom longest phone call you've had in the last
two years, and it can't be with a family member
or your fiance. Pass Alchemist and co star of the
upcoming HBO Max comedy series Minx, Miss Jessica Lou It
can't be with her? Is that what you're saying? I
(00:48):
need a long phone conversation long? Sure, Okay, no problem,
right away, I got it. Neil Garjuelo, A lot of
people know him, a lot of people love him, some
people hate him. He's a comedy partner, writing friend of mine.
Here's the thing about Neil. Yeah, you won't text, won't
He's one of those guys. But then I'm starting to
appreciate that. I'm starting to appreciate that. It's a nice connection. Yeah. Man,
(01:10):
this is such a boring answer, I think, but you know,
go look up Niel Garzuelo's work. He's a great guy.
All right, Well, thank you for all of that, I say,
I vote yes. Oh my goodness. There's Jackie d Ruthie
Ballroom Brawler. Do you in fact love to dance? Oh yes,
I love to dance so much. I started taking dance
(01:30):
classes in college. Um. I started watching So you think
you can dance? In high school. I was like, I've
got to do that. I have to express myself with
my body, and so I started taking these classes that
were like for professional people and I was quite bad.
But um, I still take class. I still take classes.
Do Yeah. Yeah, I've been taking classes ever since. I
(01:54):
take hip hop now I've been taking with um. His
name is Havoc. He's the best. He's usually at edge
UM but you can find him at John Havoc on
Instagram and honestly like he's that's hip hop and he's awesome.
Look up Havoc. He reeks. Hey, there's James Heeney. Tommy,
thank you, Bellis. Thanks Tommy, James and the Heen Dells.
(02:14):
You've just taken over the Tonight show from Jimmy Fallon.
How does your first opening monologue begin? Uh? I, it's
gonna have about fifteen minutes of tech work and we're
gonna we're gonna probably have to send a brand newsndcaster
to the whole crew, but it'll turn out great eventually. Yeah, yeah,
(02:34):
thank you for that. And now Craigkowsky with his books
on tape review corner. Okay, okay, I got David Foster
Wallace is infinite jest on forty five cassette tapes. Can
I'm not wait to start listening to this. I've literally
been meaning to get to this novel, and this way,
(02:54):
I don't need to read it. I just know a
list of the tapes and then you've got to switch
out the tapes whatever. It goes to the footnotes and
then back to the regular body of the book. Just
trying to find a cassette player player. There's gotta be
one around here. They did offer it on c D,
but I wanted the real thing. Send your cassette player
(03:15):
to Craig Accoukey, care of Joey Greer at Elm Street,
Los Angeles, California. Nine oh and last, but no rubber
maid rubbers for you. If you think of least, it's
Gary Anthony Williams. It's a pleasure an American place. And
I like Jackie d I too have to express myself
(03:36):
with my body. Yeah, I have. I have to. I
feel like it's different than dancing. Tell us why you
would be the best damn bank teller we've ever hired,
because I care a lot of times. When you walk
into a bank, they care about one thing, and that's
that's your money only. And I owe, I actually owe
(03:59):
the banks. And I never told this story before, and
it's gonna be less than ten seconds. The way that
I established credit, no joke, no joys. I helped catch
a bank robber in Atlanta, Georgia. That is how the
bank helped me. The bank and the FBI helped me
established credit. So I I owe that I recommend that
I do not. I don't recommend that route. I recommend
(04:21):
the best way to establish credit is be born white.
I do recommend that I recommend that it comes with
I think the first bag of diapers. All right, all
of our scenes to thank you for that, all of
our scenes suggestions are gathered from your listener emails and
I greatly appreciate your writing to the show, or they're
gathered from patron v I P s. Perhaps you'd like
(04:43):
to become patrons support of the show and enjoy exclusive
content and other perks like video of Jackie dancing. Just
head on over to patron dot com slash alchemy this.
If you'd like to some of a scene suggested by
a said, email right to us at our new email address,
how Chemy This email at gmail dot com. That's email
(05:07):
at gmail. Seen one comes from patron v P Sean,
who wrote, Hike, Kevin, thanks again for doing my pizza
maker scene. And here's my favorite part of Sean's note.
I haven't listened to it yet, but I'm sure it's fantastic.
In the meantime, he goes on an idea struck my
fancy and really tickled my pink. Hold up capital M
(05:32):
capital e asterisk pink. Anybody what that could mean? Circled
to me? Pink tickled me pink. I'd get that, but
the capital, yeah, it tickled me pink. Yeah. Maybe the
asterisk is going to a footnote. You gotta switch the cassette.
(05:53):
That's it, I gotta switch the cassette. His scene suggestion
is as follows Frogs heavily invested in bitcoin in Sean Sarah,
I understand you want to withdraw all of your money
from I'd like to or like to get all of
my money. I'd like to transfer it from bitcoin, and
(06:16):
I'd like it to be US dollars. Okay, so this
is just be of ay. We don't actually handled an emergency.
I need to take all of the coins. Yes, I understand, sir,
If you would just get get that hop down from
the counter. Yes, I'm telling you right now. I need you, sir.
(06:36):
I am let me get my manager, Sir, I am not.
I am not allowed to handle funds that large. Just
one second, Tina, Hi, Hi, there is a Mr Collidal,
Mr Collidal here, and he Collidal. Thank you. I know
some Collidals. I know some Collidals from St. Lou Swissouri.
(07:01):
That's I know my family. My grandmother grew up with
your grandfather and then your dad ended up being my
parents dentist. Can we have somebody else? TEENA. I would
like everybody put your cute little hands here, but your
(07:21):
cute little hands in the air. See those web fingers.
I'm seeing those web toes. Okay, keep them up, keep
them up. Now, who's the manager here? Who's the manager?
Not to manager, I'm just a bank tell of But
I can get you the manager if you would like,
very helpful. Yes, players, yes, don't do it. Don't get me.
I don't want to be got. Don't do it. Trouble
(07:42):
out here? What's all the trouble? This man is here too.
I'm not quite sure what his deal is. Some credit?
What do I look white? No, it's not gonna work
that way. Okay, here's the deal. I want all the
cryptocurrency you have, and I want you to put it
(08:02):
in this bag. Now, let me explain to you what
crypto currency actually means. I could tell you all these
kinds of money with skulls on it, that's right, and
so it's very difficult to purse inside of the back.
But well, wow, this is G. Thompson with the eleven
(08:23):
o'clock news. Today a bank of America was unsuccessfully robbed
of cryptocurrency. We have the bank manager with us here
today and the other bank manager who refuses to be
called the bank manager bank managers. The fellow came in
asking for again I've never heard this term before. Crypt crypt.
(08:47):
I can't even get it out. Currency. That's right, but
apparently your bank doesn't actually carry still and we are
specialize in coins, and well, that is an amazing story.
(09:07):
I just waved to my wife, who, of course you can't.
Everybody to take time to wave to their spouses. But
if I don't have a spouse, can I just wave?
Can I just wave to my mom? A beautiful lady
like you doesn't have a spot. Don't, don't, don't. We'll
(09:29):
be back right after this word. What are you doing?
You know you don't just cut the segment because you
want to go talk to go on? Did you see
have you seen her? Did you see her? She seems
particularly insignificant to me. If I'm being honesty that one
more time, I don't want. I'd rather not because I
feel like you're gonna get mad at me and hurt me. Yeah,
(09:50):
if you had said it again, I would be angry
with you here. So what your plan? Are you gonna
leave the studio hop on down to the bank to
pick up Tina? What? What? What's your plan here? Gee?
I would like to My mother left me a ring
on her deathbed. This was just yesterday, she said, She said, son,
I hope you find someone beautiful that you can marry.
(10:11):
This is yesterday and today she walked into this. Fine, fine, fine,
but she you gotta take a camera crew with you,
and this has to be a story. Of course. I'm
a newsman. I get it all right, God speed, Thank
you believing God. Huh, what's up? Did you get the
(10:35):
cryptocurrency from the bank, man? Um? Well, no, because it's crypto,
so I just kind of signed up on my computer. Um,
so I didn't get it. I didn't get it from
the bank. So I'm going to have to owe you again.
Just another month, just one another month. Hey, look, your
rate is do you do? And I have it? I
(10:56):
have it, but I have it in cryptocurrency, so it's
it's a little tricky, so tricky to get it to you.
I'm sure I could transfer it to you if you
also had a crypto account, but you don't, so that's
really your problem. If you were to set up that account,
I could easily transfer to you. But since you don't
have that, we're gonna have to wait another month for
me to figure out how to make it crypto from
(11:16):
crypto to uh hard. Oh, m crypto. All right, only
because of your gentle style and your way with language,
am I going to allow you to have another month.
Thank you. Thanks for showing me around. I've never really
been to a prison. I see there's a lot of
(11:37):
flies here though, those flies there, I assuming there are enemies.
Is that how this works? Are in here flies are
our enemies? Yeah? I mean, well the outside we don't know.
I think they're pretty delicious if you ask me, Well,
that's that's what I mean. I mean, but I see
that they're also locked up in here with us, so
(11:57):
I didn't know our arrival game. I haven't spent much time.
I see what you're asking about. Are their rival gangs
of frogs and flies in this prison? Yes, they're all, Yes,
they're all. I gotta say. I I really I'm not
even a criminal. I'm a bad criminal. I'm sure we're
(12:17):
all at us here a ribbit. No, I'm guilty. I'm
just bad. Oh got you? Got you? So? Are you are?
You're not worthy if even being called a criminal? No? No, no, no?
Are you a toad? A toad? Is that? What is that?
Is that? I am a toad? Yeah? Don't don't roll
(12:38):
with the aquatic just on solid land, my friends, solid land.
But you know what, us frogs and toad's gotta work
together here, you know, guys, guys, it's me little Lamar,
Little Lamar. Check this out. Check this out. My wife
came in earlier, right, and now she gave me a
(12:59):
bunch of bits on I'm smuggling bit Calm up my butt.
Anybody need any bitcoin of his? Send him to my cell.
Send him to my cell. You feel me? How do
you get it up your butt? I didn't listen because
I didn't even look. My wife did it when I
was turned around. I didn't even look. I don't know
how she got an up there where that goes from
crypto to hard o. You're gonna feel you got that,
(13:21):
damn right. Yeah, I'm from St. Louis, man, Okay, just curious.
What was this wind that you would ask? That was curious?
Just I'm just a curious frog. Are you one of
the St. Louis Collidal's you? That's a very common frog
lass name in that area. What the hell? What's going on?
What's the thing, what's going on with the heir? What's
(13:42):
going on? What's the face? All right? All right, all right,
I'll spill it. I'll spill it. I'll just say when
I was when I unsuccessfully robbed that bank, I noticed
that Collidal was there trying to make a transaction that
I think also might have been of the illegal nature. Okay,
there I said it. Okay, there, Okay, there, I said it. Okay,
white Wait flies flies, f you're just flying on by,
(14:05):
my friend, just fly on by. Oh they're scary. They
are scary. Oh God, I hope she likes me. I
hope she likes me. Hello hello, Oh, yes, hello, h g.
I was in viewing you on the news or earlier. Yeah,
(14:27):
that's right. That was really exciting for me. I'd never
been on camera. My mother died yesterday. I am I'm
so sorry to hear that. No, it was her time.
It was her wow, okay, a long life then a
long she was oh, okay, so very but it was
(14:47):
her time. But it was her time. And you would
know that better than me. I don't. I've never I
don't know if I hadn't seen her in a couple
of years. But yeah, okay, she left me. She left
me a ring beautiful the fire ever found anyone who
was worthy of the ring that I should will you
marry me? Wow? Me? Hi? There? Would you too like
(15:11):
to hear the special? Yeah? Yeah, okay, we've got frog's legs,
you know what? Oh what else? What else? Okay, yep,
we've got t bone steaks. Get some fish? Gets brenzino?
(15:37):
What's happening here? You got any um bugs or leaves?
Even I deal with a leaf? You know what? Let
me bring over. We have a very special waiter to
handle you kind so I'm sorry, excuse me, just give
me a moment. I'm here with my lady. You just
(15:59):
said you, Jim, Jim, you gotta get out there. Okay, yeah, yeah,
get out there. But I'm not sure. Okay, which table
is it? Oh? Anyways? My mother? Is there anything I
(16:22):
can get you guys for your your meal? What do
you think? Should we just split him? Look? He looks delicious,
but he's here to help us. Oh okay, I mean
I'm not saying no. I'm not saying no. I mean
you're beautiful. You're speaking very lowly. I can't quite hear you.
We have frog legs. If the only thing he can
(16:44):
offer us is more legs eating for just for me,
for you? Yes, and you better put that ring right
on this grubby, little webbed finger right here. Yeah, tiny
but delicious. All right, Um, I've just now spent some
(17:05):
time here in this prison, so I'm a little uh more,
you know, used to how things go around here. And
I think I want to start a business, you know,
you know in in in the upright prisons they have
stores right where they sell commissary. I'm thinking here, I
think we should slank some of that crypto that old
so and so has got up his ass. I mean,
(17:27):
let me ask you a question. Is a frog's asked
cryptotype is as a zen cohen? What is that? I
know how much crypto you got up there? My life
didn't tell me how much you just said. Turned around,
I'm about to shove a bunch of crypto up you ass,
all right, Ted, You're a toad you reach up there
(17:48):
and see how must cryptos up there? Anybody can reach
you up there. But I feel like it's more of
a toads job. Where is that more of a toads job?
I don't disrespect, no disrespect one of you. I'll just
reach you up my ass and get the crypto. Let's
not find like this in front of welling up and
there you can make it. He's right, he's right, he's right,
all right, all right, all right, I'll do it, I'll
(18:08):
do it all I don't know my hand, you don't have,
you don't have to tell us. Just do it, Just
do it. Don't narrate us thrivery staff in either either
rush or take your time doing it. Don't make another matter. Wow,
you're something else and here we go, all right, and
(18:31):
it stills comfortable. Huh. Okay, okay, you'll know when you
find that. No, I got nothing, I got nothing. Has
anybody even seen this crypto currency? I'm distracted. We should
go attack now, putting the hands it to the butts.
(18:52):
We should go ta out, yes, yes, while they have
their hands up their butts. All right, everybody, stick your
own hand up your own butts. See if there's any cry,
I'm looking at you. All right, all right, now, looks
it's elevated. All hands all but before before free hand,
(19:18):
stick your free hand in a partner's mouth. Okay, so
we got all bases covered here, all carry buds, all right.
It's like a told version of the human stup. I
know there was so much more to cover there, but yeah,
(19:40):
do you think there was any crypto in there but
seeing dudes From Curtis Colman, who wrote to our new
email that's Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. He wrote, Hey,
you funky bunch. Thanks for all the laughs and good times.
This podcast act makes me look forward to my tedious
(20:02):
drives to and from work in a sewer truck. My
favorite alchemist has to be Vanessa Raglan as long as
she's not doing her gravelly hobo voice. Wow, it's a
signature anyway. And my favorite character has to be the
infamous Mannai's Man. My idea for a scene suggesting a
(20:26):
group of friends playing a new Dungeons and Dragon style game.
Unbeknownst to them, though things are changing around town Jumanji style.
Wish you all well and don't ever stop making this
amazing podcast. Curtis Coleman. Okay, kids, listen, we're gonna go
out your mother and I and we're gonna get some
(20:47):
dinner for the whole family. We come back. Uh, I'm
wanna make sure your rooms are all cleaned and you've
washed your hands and you're ready for supper. We'll be
back in about forty minutes. And what kind of food
are you? And Mama Gon and bring back. Yeah, so
I don't know how things go with that private school yours.
But back in the house, now that you're with us,
someone to remind you that we go and get dinner
(21:09):
however we want, and you eat it when we come
back with it. Can you take a picture when you're
at the restaurant of exactly what you're bringing back, exactly
what we're going to eat? You say, I don't, I can.
I should not choke him out right, don't choke him.
Don't choke him obviously, don't talk to him anymore. We've
got a reservation. Yep, we're gonna go. We'll come and
(21:30):
taking pictures and when we get there. Okay, I love you.
I love you mother, I love you father. Now where
were we it was? Where was? Where were we? We
were building our characters? I landed on I am half
dragon because you guys are gonna play. Who invited her?
(21:58):
I invited her? Mom? My, mom and dad just left.
You could have come through the door. Yeah, but this
is this is way more cool. This is so much.
Hold on, hold on, Daryl, Daryl, what's going on here?
You're just bringing girls into the club now, Yeah, the
new didn y Can I come home from this closet. Now, yeah,
(22:20):
come out, Jake, come out. Oh bad, your parents are scary, Daryl. Yeah,
dad won't even take a photo of what kind of
food he's gonna bring back? What kind of dad is
that we have? Or what's your name? Girl? Um? My
name is Charlie, so maybe that will be cool with
(22:44):
you guys. I don't know. She's at our English class. Okay, Charlie,
you don't. You don't have to feel you don't have
to feel like one of the guys to be here
with the guys. She wants to join you go flag fry,
thank you, thank you so much. Wants to join this game.
She's got to be serious at least, all right, Charlie.
A couple of questions. One, what are your powers? Hands,
(23:07):
hand eye coordination, fast talking, some nimble, nimble in the tongue,
nimble tongue. What do you mage a dolf? A troll?
I am a troll, fast talk control, fast talking troll
with very good hand eye coordination and a strong grip.
(23:32):
And what's your weakness? My weakness is flowers. What why
are you two looking at each other? What do you mean?
I say, what your weakness? You looked at Darryl and
you both looked at each other's lovingly. Right, Jake, you
(23:53):
saw that. Yeah, I did see that. I like to
look at Daryl to look I like to look at Charlie.
This is gonna be a long game. Okay, Well, need
I remind you that when we are in battle, everything
(24:13):
goes Okay? That means all powers will be used against
other characters and there are no take back seas or
being soft understood. Is this that the door? What's that
your door? I'll answer it from here? Come in, nerds.
I saw my sister come in here. What's going on? Brandon?
(24:34):
Get out of here? Hey, Brandon, what's up? Oh well,
it's like you guys, you're playing some games. We're not
playing yet. I'm just about to practice rolling the destruction die.
Wat's this? What happened to your brother? He just fell
to the floor. He's bleeding. Um. You threw the dice
(24:56):
right through his heart and it opened up. Um? Should
I be crying? I feel like I should be feeling something,
but I honestly of healing. Maybe that would work. Okay,
I'm looking through the book. Okay, I'm looking through the book.
I don't see anything about actual Honestly, guys, Brandon's a
(25:18):
bad guy. This could be a blessing in disguise. He's
really mean, Charlie, I don't. Will you look to your
brother's hole in his chest? Do you see a flowery
world in there with rainbows and stuff? Is that usually there? Um?
I've never opened up his chest before, and I'm honestly
surprised to see that it does look so bright and
(25:39):
happy because he's got it dark. In my opinion, he's
got a darkness within well, Daryl. Yes, sir madam, welcome
to sha What what? Maybe? What? Maybe start you off
with this evening? Yeah? Honey, you want to drink or something?
(25:59):
I'm sorry, I was speaking to you or your wife?
What may we start off with this evening? Mum? Why
would you put it that way? Honey? You want something
to drink? Oh? Wow, wow, sir, you're being a real
ass right now. I was asking. I was asking you
or your wife what would you have this evening? Uh?
And uh, suddenly you're speaking to her instead of me.
(26:22):
I'm talking right at you. Okay, yes, please? Is there
a manager or someone we can talk to this? Certainly? Yes,
hold on this one second. Thank you very much, sir,
you're welcome. I think at this point maybe we don't
want to eat your honey, because, no matter what happens next,
I'm not going to trust your food is not spitting. Okay,
I'll tell you what's gonna happen next. I'm gonna he's
gonna bring a manager back, and I'm gonna choke them
(26:44):
both about that. I'm the manager. Oh Jesus, uh yeah, Hi.
So your waiter here was given some lips in front
of my wife and I'm offended, and i'd like our
meal comped tonight. Well, let me wave my wand and
(27:04):
bank account has been cleared. I just got a message
from BA and it says we got zilch left in
the account. Okay, all right, nobody panics. So based on
the moves we've made, Darryl, any time you make a move,
something in the real world changes. That's strange. What do
(27:27):
you what do you mean? Hold on? My mom's calling? Yeah, my,
um so we need you to ford a stupe then
mo right now, could you friend my mommy? Just hold
on just a second. Let's prove a point. Then if
what you say is true, if I rolled the dice
(27:48):
of prosperity, then my mom will be rich. Right, that's
how it should work. Stop looking at Charlie, Charlie, blow
my die for me. Roll seventeen pretty good. Oh that's
a solid. Look at this. Look at these diamonds. Honey,
(28:10):
Oh my god, come from I don't know. I gotta go.
Hell is happening? Didn't you call your mom to talk
to her about something? She didn't call you, I don't remember.
I think she called to ask for money. Oh yeah, yeah,
called me, called her sense because your head not in
(28:36):
the game, Charlie, you're over here, la la lamb staring
at Darryl, and it's getting annoying. Jake's really upset you, Jake,
are you upset? Totally upset? We've got an army of
goblins when you to defeat guys. I understand my bad
all right? Next up, like we can't deny, Like how
(28:56):
fucking dope his rolling skills are. And like you think
things are going on just outside in the world, whenever
he rolls, things are happening in my body. Whenever he rolls.
She's got to express herself through her body. Yeah, just
expressing myself through my body. Well, coincidentally, Jake is rolling
(29:19):
next and he's rolling for closet time. That means whatever
he rolls, that's how many minutes Charlie and Darrell to
spend in the closet. Okay, you're a weird DM. Man.
Charlie was rolling for time with me in the closet,
and I thought, I don't want to go with the
(29:41):
closet with you. I really just think we should leave
this restaurant. I'm the second manager. I'm another manager. I
understand that you weren't happy with what the first manager
how he handled it, but I'm also the manager here.
So you look like I'm sorry, but I hate to
(30:03):
say this, but so far we've felt you look like
a lizard. Man. I just there, I said, I'm actually
a frog, very different. We've got lizards that are reptiles
and frogs that are amphibians. Either way, I can relate
to you. Were just two married women, aren't we. Okay,
excuse me, miss frog. Honey guy, I'm gonna choke Tina.
(30:29):
In the second, I'm gonna choke out the frog, and
I'm gonna choke out the manager. And in the way, okay,
the frog is also the manager. There's two managers. Um,
there's two managers. Sorry, I was listening to you know,
I appreciate that, Tina. You care about it all? Right,
come out, your time is done. Come out, Jake? What
are they doing in there? I don't want it all?
(30:51):
Why not? How aren't you curious? Let them have their closet.
Time is private. You're the per s DM I've ever had.
All they're asking is how is what they're doing in
there affecting what's happening in the real world. Aren't you
curious about that? So wait, you're saying that them making
(31:13):
out the closet is Jamaji style causing something that happened
out there in the world. I don't know. Maybe, but
first of all, I just assuming they are even making out.
I don't think Darrel's even kissed before. I haven't heard
a thing. Let me listen. No, I don't hear anything.
Maybe maybe there's a hole with the back of a wardrobe.
(31:37):
So you tell me there's not only a hole in
Brandon's chest, but there's also a hole in the back
of the wardrobe. Yes, and we haven't explored any of
these possible worlds that have opened up. What are you
think is gonna happen? Because to see how long people
going to the closet. All right, Jake, we've been on
this campaign for weeks. Bro new idea, new idea. Let's
(31:58):
roll to see how long? All right, yeah, I'll roll
and however many minutes it is, is is how long we
have to hug and her noses to touch hug you? Man?
I just wanted to Jake come into my office, please, Son?
What is it? Father? I don't like it when you
(32:20):
take that tone with me, but I done. I respect
you for it is what I was saying. Son, I
got a call from the neighbors that said you were
over their house last night, rolling die and touching noses.
Is that? Yeah? That sounds pretty accurate, right. So I'm
(32:44):
gonna read to you from a book called There's No
there's no title, book no title. Yes, it's just it's
not mysterious. Done. That's the problem all you kids keep
looking for alternate meanings in something. It is what it is.
(33:09):
I'm done reading. I yes, yes, I read it. Um
Darryl Charlie's frowly. No. Jake went home and it's getting late,
so we're still in the closet. Can you just let
us just let us do be? So what's it like
(33:29):
in there? Are you seeing anything that's different than normal life?
Stop being real pervy right now? Well, can I watch you? No? No,
you did this to yourself? Are you guys not being
nice to all of your friends? All the friends are
supposed to be treated the same way. Open that door,
(33:51):
Open that door. They're happy. Ma oh, by goodness. Now,
like a friend in the closet with you two. Okay,
that's not funny to just have a friend come over
while you're having fun in the closet. Okay, as somebody
(34:14):
at the door street hod, I'm gonna get that. Okay,
I'll go with you. I'll go with you to the door.
You guys behave together. Okay. Hey, we're we're a thousand
goblins that have somehow been manifested into this world. But
we're we're we're just out here waiting for something to happen.
Get my gun. I mean, there was such a build up,
(34:36):
there was such a build up, we thought for sure
something would happen. Right, So you say you're goblins? Wait,
wait quick, clearly we're goblins. Were an army of goblins.
I've never seen one before, my mistake, and you're new
in town. Is that what I'm picking up? We got
manifestated in this world. Okay, look, is there somebody here
(34:57):
that has access to some kind of alternate dimension? Yeah,
that's the Johnson's next story. You want to go to
that place? Okay? Because we thought somebody's playing a board game,
and then like j style, like, there's no children in
here playing some streakout game. Kids, So why didn't you
(35:23):
just answer us? I mean we were talking to you,
and you instead you're talking to your wife. You should
have just told us. Yet. All right, come on and
the kids are in the back road. Thank you. We've
got about eleven years. You've got a good deal. Look,
all I'm saying is I feel like the only thing
that's changed is you two are in love and no
(35:44):
one likes me. Well, really, the only thing that's changed
is we're in love. We're in love. You've never liked me.
I mean that you're You've got a cool house, and
you bring the game, so we like that. No, I understand.
(36:06):
I guess I'm just gonna head out. Then hey wait wait, wait, wait,
wait before you go here, my mother gave me this
special die when I was four years old. It was
my very first d in d die. I want you
to have it. Why don't you give it to your girlfriend? Hey,
I've given my girlfriend a lot more than that. Multiple
(36:30):
what's that? What's that noise? Like someone's coming up the stairs.
I don't know. Maybe it's the cops looking for your
dead brother. Oh ship, we want to hide that body
seem to Oh no, oh god. See three. He comes
(36:56):
to patron v I p. Robert william I see you
guys have a new email address, which leads me to
conclude somebody opened up some naughty spam and accidentally ruined
the inbox for everyone. Maybe next time, don't open the
emails promising a bigger, longer, stiffer penis, which brings me
(37:18):
to my scene suggestion, bigger, longer, stiffer spam all the best,
it seems to be the problem, sir, Well, my my
wife purchased this spam here just I don't know, it
says on the receipt on Friday, and it's it's not
the right texture here with your fingers and spam to
(37:44):
be You know about the consistency of I don't like
when you poke a baby. You know, I never put
those two things together, but you're right, it's very similar
to poking the baby. Yeah, so I'd like to exchange this.
It's it's the bulk version, the long came spam, and
it's a way too stiff and hard. I sing, ye,
(38:05):
let me you have a credit card that you use
them for the purchase. I don't have it with me
because that's my wife's but you can see on the receipt.
But I'll just take cash back for you know what.
Hold on a second, I could probably just get my
wife's card. Let me call her on the phone. Did
you mind ever help the folks behind you while you
work if you must, But like this shouldn't take long.
I'll be on the phone with my to the right
(38:27):
a little bit. Yeah, you know, buddy, I don't mind
if he makes a phone call to his wife. I'll
wait on my spam. That's foinoing me. Okay, the way
he's following me, my man, she said hard. She'll run
it in in a second. Yeah, I got a day, brother,
I got all day. I know that I'm only I
know I'm two people behind, but I don't have all day. Yeah,
(38:47):
let's help this lady out. She's going to go ahead
and go up, then I'd rather go ahead and take
my turn. Then I would already be done if we
didn't get help. This play both sides of this, sir.
I'm going to help up the lady now if you
don't stand to the right. Okay. Well, for the record,
this place sell stiff spam. Okay, this is a stiff
spam selling spot. Now we lost one. That's a shame. Yes, ma'am.
(39:12):
How can I be of service? I just needed to
buy this acid tone and I was also looking for um. Ham. Sure,
I know you've got an aisle ful of spam I needed.
I didn't see any Ham. You did not see him
kind of Ham, would you like? I want smushy ass Ham.
(39:32):
I want it to be very, very mushy, almost like
the consistency of cottage cheese. Alright, so Ham, Yeah, I
got a feeling she doesn't realize what spam is, ma'am.
Spam sp a in this similar proportions as me. It's
pretty much what you're looking for. Just well, I'm looking
for Ham, and I'm looking for it to be smushy
(39:53):
ass Ham, and all I'm seeing is long, hard, stiff spam.
Oh boy, And what I would like is smushy ass Ham. Okay,
but thank you for telling me what I'm looking for Oh, oh,
here we go, Here we go, here, yeah, here we go.
You want to go, Doris? Did you tell the man?
(40:14):
Did you speak up to the man? You say, I did?
You know? Because I am done being rolled over? I
am done. I am there to be Doris. I'm Doris, baby.
That's the thing about man to this trifling ass ones
to roll over you ladies? Which floor? Which floor are
you going to? How about all of them? None of
(40:37):
your business. Actually, we'll get off exactly when we need
to because we're not idiots. We're not idiots, and you
can't help us get all you gave him. You know,
I get off faster when I helped myself. Those left
the sofa's pet. So hey, buddy, excuse me? Did you
(41:00):
just poke my baby? It's I I'm just testing. I
just wanted to poke my baby. I apologize. It doesn't
seem like it bothered the baby. So all's well, that
ends swell. Well, you woke him up a little bit.
Well why would you do that? You don't even know me. Well,
I just want to make sure I'm not crazy. Okay,
(41:21):
I've got this kind of spam, and I always know
that a good spam has the consistency of a poked baby,
and I've I've gone through. This is the third can
of spam, and this year is very hard. But I'm
wondering if it's me. It's changed here poking pok it.
I'm not gonna eat it anyway, it's just poking, Darryl.
I've been trying to get the baby to sleep, but
(41:42):
it seems like he must have been awake a little
bit all day long. What the hell is going on here?
Yes he was, but look, I gotta tell you this
was an interesting experiment that that this random guy I
met on the street engaged me in and look, I've
got a can of spam here and I've got the
(42:02):
baby here. Poked them both. Doris was right, No, Doris
is crazy. Okay, thank you for everybody for coming to
this meeting at the Spam Quarters headquarters. We're gonna do
a quick roll call jan Dan Man Man, You're gonna
(42:28):
have to give us a name at some point. Anyway,
that's enough for now. Now listen you. As you all know,
we are in direct competition with email dot com. Okay,
so we need to rebrand the spam if you know
what I mean. If they want to come harder. We
can go harder. You know they want to get dirty,
We can go dirty. Dan, you got some dirty thoughts.
I want to call it GOP. Can we call it Google? Oh? Google, Google?
(42:51):
I am writing that down Google. Okay, anybody are there
at this point? Are there any bad ideas? Good question?
They ain't bad idea? What's what was that funny ding?
But because you know, people would be doing a meeting
and then they'll just say they're no bad ideas, and
then somebody have a bad idea. But the guy just
(43:13):
said there's no bad ideas, so you like, there's no
bad ideas. Thank you for explaining that. Now, Man, are
you asking because you have an idea or you just
asking if there are any bad idea? I have an idea,
but I think it's not great, So I'm just I
want to see if you're one of those guys that
he would you understand that we are indirect competition with
email dot com? I mean, sure, idea. Do you understand
(43:34):
the stronghold they've taken over the word spam? Yes? Then
I think if you know those two things, your idea
is going to be perfectly valid. Let's hear it, spam
mail dot com. Okay, alright, Email dot com executives, let
me just make sure everybody's here. Email Gail, gil kil
(43:59):
cal Hel, what's up? Okay for me? You're not gonna
ask for mail. You're not gonna ask for mail. Is
that we need to get support mail I supposed to
tell you Ishmael is actually out this week. But well, okay,
(44:23):
spam has thrown down, Spam has thrown down losers. Uh,
and we've got to respond. We've got to respond there's
no bad ideas. That's what that was going to be
my first question. All right, um, look, we think it's
(44:43):
very healthy that representative from each of the company do
the do the debate. So we have mail from email
dot com and man from spam. So okay, yea and
eminence for the debta did you just want us? Because
I know blood, no blood, no eyes, no growing areas.
(45:06):
Are there any bad parameters in the bad parameters? Because
like if it was a mean right, and he started
out the meaning saying there's no bad ideas because you're
starting this out it's like a meeting, but there's parameters.
He's wanting to visit the bad parameters because people used
to say there's no bad meeting bad christs. I know
(45:30):
it's it's so unlikely, but these debates that they're hosting
on showing up on this CTV, it is absolutely it
turns out riveting. They're allows versus male. I've been watching
these man versus mail debates for for weeks. It's amazing
how blood It's not just a debate, it's also the
(45:50):
hand to hand combat and often with uh, you know
violent Uh what are they called tools? Not tools? Yeah? No,
I know what of me? I've been watching it. Doris,
Doris lost its First of all, you should not have
been talking to a trifling man trying to use their
weapon when you know that women don't use. Yes, but
(46:12):
you don't have to. Don't think yourself to their level.
Why we're at the top, Cane will tell you what
we want to get off the elevator. We will say
when you when you can push out a button. We'll
tell you when to push out a button until the end.
Don't push out a buttons. Thank you very well. Listen,
this is why I need you in my life, because
(46:34):
you know the words that I literally can't even get
out of my goddamn mouse. They in there, girl, But
you don't need to let them out. You know what
I'm saying. It was like, have you ever had? Okay, okay,
I think we can all be happy with this. We
have now joined forces with email, dot com and spam
to make a product that the world has yet to see.
(46:58):
I think this is where we've been headed, everybody, and
I'm happy for this new day. Yeah. Please, she can
go first before me? Women, women who women and children first.
I'd like to say we. I mean, you rose your
hand first, so I rose to say, if it is
a lady who's going to speak, i'd like heard ago first.
That was that was the reason for your hand raising?
Very well, yes, ma'am. And I was just gonna say,
(47:21):
if there are no bad ideas at this point? Are
there bad ideas at this point? You're going to say,
if there are there are no bad ideas at this point,
then as we merge, I think that they should really
be investing in. Before you say your point, ma'am, he
has his hand raised now. Since he was the first
person to raise his hand before you, I think it's
(47:41):
just fair to hear him out. I think I think
nobody's going to be happy about what I have to say.
Let's okay, um, I was just gonna say, I think,
now that our powers have come bined, what the best
thing to focus our minds and our energy on is
turning crypto to hard oh, because actually no one has
(48:03):
actually cornered that market and we together can I gotta
put my handback up, And this time is to speak
for myself. I know this whole spam email thing, but
now I just found out that the Keebler Cookie Company
has gone in with with with Molti Media Company and
(48:23):
then now making Insta Graham Crackers. And I think, excuse me, no,
I waited in this line earlier. I just need to
get a card. Excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sir ya back,
thank you. This is my wife's card, and i'd like
the long the long firm s brought his wife's credit
(48:48):
card because apparently he doesn't have one. Oh, I have one,
it's just not the car that was on there. But nonetheless,
what I'm looking for is a real loose something like
baby touch spam. Well, actually, now I am going I
want it further. I want something with an even looser
consistency than liver sausage with a spam flavor, like really
(49:09):
running meat, ma'am, sir, do you know that you're in
a bath? Oh? Bye, okay, it's go ahead. I'm sorry.
I just thought I would insult all men and women
in one fell through. Do you realize you're in a
bed bathroom? Bon? Oh my god, I did not what
it was she thinking searching for meat at a bed bathroom?
(49:31):
Beyond Look, I know we got to a rocky start.
I was your elevator man, but I'm glad that you
haven't invited me out to dinner, both of you. Both
of you and suggest the smoshy ass ham. May I
suggest because it's very good here and dorith Normally I
would not disagree with you. I'm going to suggest the
running ham. Then through a straw you can suck it.
(49:57):
You know how some meats fall off the bone. Yeah,
this is your throat. It literally falls down your throat,
through your entire elementary canal and then moves right out
of your body. Okay, so this is gonna happen, right, Huh.
(50:17):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What was I don't I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry. This just into Channel five and Channel
eight news. This is g speaking with you. A man
was blunting to death by a can of bigger, longer,
stiffer spam. Today, two women were seen escaping the scene
(50:42):
by rubbing what is best described as running ham all
over their body and slipping out from underneath the crack
of the door. We'd like to have film and footage
for you at eleven, but I just realized film and
footage or the exact chame thing, and we'll have neither
back tomorrow morning. Well, it's it's great to get the
(51:03):
old D and D crew back at his funeral. I
always knew that guy would grow up to be a
total creep. Yeah, watching people, what if? What an absolute
cree And of course, of course two women are going
to kill him because they have the right, like they like.
He definitely provoked them. Yeah that makes sense. Yeah, I'm married.
(51:27):
One of the goblins. Will ever tell you that. Yeah,
we actually got divorced. We've actually but we're still friends.
Were we're better friends than we were married, and then
we were friends before we were married. I don't care.
I didn't care then, I don't I don't care now.
But we care. That's the whole point, Like we seriously,
(51:48):
we really care about this is spread for everybody. By
the way, it is for anybody, just spread for anybody
who dares to to retain and grab them. Yeah what
Darren meat to grab a snack at the funeral? Okay,
so this is d N D double D Dare we
double and dare you to grab a snack at the funeral? Yeah? Yeah,
no problem with what I love? Well, what the fuck? Well,
(52:21):
it's just like my dad told me. My dad told
me when I was a kid son, Someday you're gonna
fall in love with the manifestation. Whatever you do, don't
let them eat not in front of you. Make sure
they turned that back to you and eat in private,
same way a wild dog does. So it'll take the
meat from your hand, but it will turn away from
(52:42):
you to Sorry by ear buds and dad, what were
you saying? Fuck off? That's our show, Oh mommy, make
it stop. I want to thank all of our alchemists
today for uh yeah, blowing mind and keeping the flame
(53:02):
of insanity alive inside my sad little brain. Uh. Starting
with Mr James Heeney. James, thank you so damn much
for being here. You know we uh we missed you
last week. You've landed safely in the state of Illinois
and how are things there? What can you tell me?
Are wonderful? It's that sweet spot of the year where
(53:25):
it's not as hot as hell in the summer and
it's it's spring, is what it is. I think there's
a little time left of spring. Oh great? And uh,
can you bring us back anything? I mean, last time
I tried to bring back deep dish pizza got nasty
because I'm driving and I don't have refrigeration. So that
(53:45):
was kind of on you, though, I don't know we
could blame anyone else. Sure, I'll take it, okay. Uh,
Chris Avarado, thank you so much for being here, buddy, Oh,
thank you for having me. Got so much fun to
play with. Everybody here, Jackie and Gary. It's cool because
Gary and I we have the same middle name. What's
the middle name, Anthony? So he has by Gary Anthony Willie. Yeah,
(54:07):
and I'm Christopher Anthony Alvarado. It's it's pretty commonly known
among my fans. He has fans, I have fans, We
have fans. He went ahead and put it in his
full name, which is like, okay, you know what I mean.
But he's got three names, You've got just the two,
So okay, I'll leave it there, Okay, fair enough. Jackie
(54:28):
Gonzalez do Ruthie also with three names, so many names. Yeah,
thank you, this is so fun, what a joy, what
a treat. We love having you on the show. Please
come back and back and back and back and back.
What an absolute blast. Thank you, and folks will look
you up on the Instagram. Yeah, I'm at Jackie D
Ruthie And actually earlier Gary, you called me Jackie D.
(54:51):
And that makes me feel like home because I grew
up still to this day, my best friend, but since
we were in second grade, her name is Jackie as well,
so we're always Jackie E and Jackie D. So growing
up everyone calls with Jackie D. So I love to hear.
It makes it feel good. That's another thing that Gary
has over Chris. All right, and Gary, thank you so much.
(55:15):
Thank you alienating Chris for being here today. Like you said,
that is on Chris. Yeah I don't know that. Yeah,
just exactly like you texted me, Chris, I forgot about
the text. I love doing this stuff with you guys.
It is always, it is always just an absolute pleasure. Yeah,
(55:38):
I'm not sensing any sincerity at all. You should have
sent some so yeah, okay, I'll take it. I'll take
a smidge. Thank you Gary, Thank you, my friend, Craig
Anthony Kakowski, thank you very much for being my pleasure
or criggy Cee, you can call me. A couple of
(55:58):
virtual virtual shows to promote on Sunday, June six at
one pm Pacific time. Uh, my old improv group Dasisky.
We do these periodically where we read the transcript of
one of our old improv shows and then we do
a Q and A afterwards and a little like nerdy
improv analysis on that. It's only fifteen dollars and you
(56:19):
can r s v P at info at Bronze Metal
Entertainment dot com. And uh, The Thrilling Eventure Hour I
live in archives. For folks getting this after the day,
it's you gotta be there or or not, okay, just
for folks who are catching this in time. Yeah, and
uh The Thrilling Eventure Hour is doing another show and
(56:40):
tel show where we show embarrassing old clips from our
show biz past. Uh. That will be available in archives
if you purchase a ticket. That's Saturday, June twelfth at
five pm Pacific, and you can find information about that
at House Seats dot Live, How Seats dot lone, Garrett,
did you have a follow up? I forgot to say,
(57:00):
watch Love Death and Robots someone the New, the New
and the Old one on Netflix. Then and then I'll
shut I'll shut up now, no, no, please. I love
to share, really, and I promised. I promised myself I
would shut up after I mentioned Love, Death and Robots
for the rest of the weekend. I'm glad we caught
you in ton. Let's give great thanks to Doug Bamer
(57:23):
and engineering stars find folks that I hurt media. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollack, sending my thanks to each and
every damn one of you for dialing us into your ears.
If you'd like to use your eyes as well, head
on over to patroon slash patron dot com, slash alchemy
(57:45):
this and that's where you're gonna get all those special
treats like video of our insanity. UM, please be kind
you each other. It's the easiest thing to do. I promised.
Were masks when they are asked and until next time,
I Alchemy
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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