Lego manufacturing plant

Lego manufacturing plant.

Powerpuff Girls.

Workers return to the office, changed.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Wellcome back to another episode about me. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollard, Yes, that Kevin poll What what's up? Well,
A squirrel told me yesterday that today was going to
be a magical day, and so far, I think my
little blood buddy was completely full of ship. But I digress.
Let's make a roam a shower no particular order. Let's

(00:24):
quickly check out with the craik Atkowski first two motorized
Doohiki review cow Well, in terms of motorized dow hikis
um that that I might have around the house, Like,
I'm very check forward, check advanced. Uh. I think we're

(00:44):
we're getting close to the uh, the robots, close to
the robots. The singularity was the word that robot times.
I think. Um, So, like, what do I got? What
do I got that I didn't say in the room.

(01:11):
I literally have a microwave that I bought when I
arrived in Los Angeles in two thousand two, so that
mic wave and I are celebrating about celebrat twenty years
together and it works fine. Did I make some popcorn
in it last night? Did it pop up? Fine? Yes?
So yeah, find the stuff you love and stick with it.

(01:32):
Don't don't get sucked up by these corporations that want
you to get the latest thing, because the next thing,
you know you microwaves still works great. Couldn't agree more.
Oh my, there's Jackie eaganzollers to Ruth. Hey, Jackie, how
many times a week are you wondering about your next
scoop of ice cream? Oh? I mean a lot. It's

(01:55):
honestly something that I think about all the time, very
often as an avid ice cream lover. Someone who grew
up having two mugs a day. Look out now mugs.
I like him. Mus No, no, wait, wait, we're gonna
have to drill down. I'm afraid. Every day after school

(02:16):
I would have two mug fools and I'd fill it
up to the mug to the top, two mugfuls of
ice cream of eats double fudge brownie, which is over here.
If I may, uh this U this mug you speak
of that? For the record, not only none of us,
but none of our listeners have ever being used as
a vehicle for ice cream. Um a delivery system? Are

(02:39):
we talking about a coffee mug? We're talking about coffee.
It's a coffee mug. And I don't know why, but
because I think it was my choice. I think I
was just like, this is what I wanted, like the handle,
I'm not touching something cold. It also to me maybe

(02:59):
really kid, I was a reallyant kid, and I think
I was also like, this is the perfect serving size,
because a bowl I'm going to go too crazy. But
then in reality, when I fill up a mug, now
I'm like, dude, this is half a pint, like so
much fishing a mug. Yeah, I think about it all
the time, I said, corrected, I'm now visioning Jamie putting

(03:20):
her ice cream in a mug constantly. It's a little
tiny mug, and it's for the same reason, and so
I don't shovel out too much. Well, you know what
is like, this isn't messed People are gonna think this
is messed up, and it's not messed up. I also
put it in a mug because I liked to microwave
my ice cream, not to a complete melt that I
needed it to be a little bit melty, half melt,

(03:44):
And so that's another big reason I'm putting it in
this mug. You know what came with the apartment, No
clue it could. It's ageless. That's right. Sure, damn is
backed by popular demand. Here now, Gary Anthony Williams, Hello America.

(04:06):
I say America because I'm sitting right in the crotch
of Canada right now and to run. And if I
may have a bone to pick with j Jackie d
which big fan, big fan of her work and her eating.
But MUD's the problem with it for me would be
they have a corner in there, like if it was

(04:26):
in a bowl of the same size, there's no corner
to lose some ice cream in and we're not losing
any ice cream in my friend, I'd like to check
out some of your mugs sometimes, I literally like to
check out the inner rim of your mug. Just now
at the end we got the multi parts and now
we have a cup which is perfect to just lur.

(04:48):
There's always look, Kevin. You know, I'm a big fan
of viscosity and everything viscosity related. The viscosity of that
ice cream is not even melted. And by the way, microwave,
perfect move with that ice cream. But that you're going
to have a little residue trapped in there that unless
you get your little hand down in there, Yeah, you're nothing.

(05:08):
I'm fine with it's the term mug corner that I'm struggling.
Where's the corner in the that cylinder going down into
that flat part. Now, once you're down in there, you
gotta you got a ninety degree angle in there. Yeah,
you do, you go. You're never gonna have how many seconds?

(05:32):
How many seconds in the microwave? You all are melting
your ice cream a tool fifteen seconds? But I do.
I lay out the pint outside on the counter for
a good twenty minutes, though you're doing with rock hard
ice cream. So you just want a milkshake. You don't

(05:54):
want ice cream? No, no no, I want some textures. He
wants milkshake at that, like you want to get a
bowl of ice cream and hit the popcorn button. And
I have put it in by mistake, for like way
too as a child, for like way too long. I
think it was like twenty seconds or twenty five seconds,

(06:15):
is my thing. And then one time too many zeros,
and two minutes later and I'm not even I'm like
doing other things. And then all of a sudden, my
my ice here was boiling. Yeah, good lord, uh look out,
it's Mark Gagliardi time. Hey Malorcas g Yeah, a camping
experience that comes to mind. It's time for you to

(06:37):
tell us about. Uh. Did I tell the bear story
ever on this show? I'm gonna say no, okay, please, okay.
I went camping at this great spot just north of
Los Angeles, near Redlands, and Uh, we knew that there
was a bear nearby because we saw the bear standing
on top of the big dumpster uh like over at

(06:57):
the campsite, trying to get inside it a tight five,
but he was doing a type five on the dumpster. Uh.
Drop the mic at the end into the dumpster. Uh.
And then that's why he yeah, and that's why he
was like, oh my, Mike. But we all knew that
the bear was there, so we all decided we were
all going to stay in one tent. Uh. That night

(07:19):
there was a bunch of a bunch of prints together,
but we all, like the seven of us, all piled
into one tent. We're all sleeping on the floor, and
then we hear the We hear the bear outside just
devouring one of our friends cars, uh, trying to get
in because they had left an open pineapple like that

(07:40):
had been cut up just in the trunk, like not
sealed in anything. They left. Yeah, they might as well
have filled the trunk with honey. Um. So then once
we heard the bear leave, we uh there was another group.
It was a friend of ours parents who were there
as well, who had an airstream. Uh, and we thought
we're going to all just pile in the airstream. So
once we you head the bear and you got it,

(08:02):
we grabbed. Yeah, we grabbed the pineapple. I'm running with
a pit bull in my arms. Uh, because we didn't
trust the pit bull to creep quietly over into the airstream. H.
So to my friend's parents, I'm sure it was a
freaky site that at about three o'clock in the morning,
seven adult humans and two dogs just came barreling into

(08:24):
their airstream telling them stories of of a bear that
had destroyed a car. And we saw in the morning
the damage that the bear had actually done. Uh. He
pulled off the antenna, and I can only assume that
it was a crazy smart bear who pulled off the
antenna and then was using it to try to slim
Jim the lock. Jack did you think he was picking

(08:46):
his teeth like pineapple? Can? I also say, by the way,
in Jackie's defense, I do have a mug specific four
ice cream in my kid you is a coffee mug
that I only use rice are you? Are you denying
that you don't get a little bit of rim in there?
I do. Here's the thing about this mug. There's there's

(09:09):
a little it's a little bit raised on the bottom,
so I don't have that ninety degree angle in the rim.
I have a little bit of curve. It's a little
it's bowlish in the bottom. I have some mugs that
are bullish as well. Yeah, so really they're bowls with
handles you guys talk, which is also called the cup
and last, but too much bread, not enough steak, if

(09:31):
you think of least, it's a tool, sing sizeable, silly.
Why are we still bothering with the penny? That's a
good question. I think the we've they've done the economic
kind of research on it, and we should get rid
of it. I've been to other countries where they just
round up around down. I love that. I'd like to
get rid of all coins. Um, no coins, what's I

(09:52):
don't need? You know, some countries have like a five euro.
I don't know if that's a coin, but something I
guess if I'm saying that is the but those those
are you're gonna lose those. That's losing a lot, you
lose a dime. Hey, it's okay, you'll get over it.
But I don't want a lot of dollar coins. But
let's get rid of everything quarters and all the stuff.
Or make the parking meters give me my change back
when I'm leaving. How about that? Yeah? Sorry, I like

(10:16):
that a lot of parking issues. We got to the
parking issues. That's all I cared about. Let's do a
damn show. All of our scene suggestions, of course, gathered
from your listener emails or from our patron v i
p S, which you can become and support the show
in your own individual damn way, and by the way,
you look receive exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes that

(10:40):
we create just for you, video recording of this very
zoom session we're recording in on a weekly basis, and
so many more. Head on over to patroon dot com
slash alchemy this, or if you'd like to submit your
scene suggestion via email, please right to the podcast that
our email addressed Alchemy. This email a gen dot com

(11:04):
seen one comes from patron v I P Haven, who wrote, Hey, folks,
scene lego manufacturing plant ps bone to pick? Why so reluctant?
Why so reluctant to do the whoops wrong kind of

(11:24):
Indian scene? Craig, you had no issue playing a native
dude in episode three. You did great. You even got
sick from foreign diseases. Your beautiful facial structure could surely
get you a role as a chief or a tribal
dignitary of some sort. I'm also hoping that a tool
was going to be there for the episode. Huge gamble

(11:46):
on my part, assuming he is Indian? Am I right?
Maybe we can get Adam Beach or Graham Green on
the show someday to do the scene. Oh this is
getting awkward. Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out.
Stay friends, love all of you. Haven. So I chose

(12:07):
this one because I wanted everyone to know this about
Haven uh and and and Haven's uh stance or attempt
to be funny. I wasn't quite clear. It's it just
butts up against the dark side pun intended. Uh a tool?

(12:29):
Do you a tool? Do you carried away? And how
do you feel about all of that? I am Indian,
so that's that part. I will confirm that I try
not to go public with that information, but that's come out.
I don't know what scene we're talking about, but so yeah,
like an Indian, Well back to our scene suggestion, Lego

(12:56):
manufacturing plant. Johnson, may I speak with you please? I'm
sorry you're talking about Darius Johnson or Camar Johnathan. Which
do you want to talk to or I'm Kamar If
you'm Darius, I need to speak with you Kamal. All right,

(13:18):
But first of all, you were clear that I was
calling you Johnson. No is that not, sir? I have
not listened since I was high at Okay, but today
today I promised my wife on penalty of death, that
I would listen to everything that happens today. Now when
you made the promise to to the Mrs penalty of death,

(13:40):
on penalty of death and the stakes were in fact
your your potential demise at whose hand? Where was this
potential death mine? Oh? That she she would and she
she showed me exactly how she would do it. She
would form a bludgeon and device. I'll of legos that

(14:01):
I sneak home in my pockets every night and lud
and then I'm gonna take my knife and I'm gonna
take one of the legos and i'm gonna make it
into a little shift, and i'd like to write down
everything you say, so you're gonna shive me. Okay, I'm
not gonna shive you. I'm gonna take that little shift
and i'm gonna take out your little pupils. I'm gonna

(14:21):
go around the areas and I'm hoping that that's going
to make a lot of blood. And if it doesn't
make enough blood to bleed you out like a little pig,
I'm gonna tie you up like a big old pig.
Maybe I have something to tell you that oball does
not really bleed, so you don't have to do a
lot more damage than that. Okay, then I'm gonna have
to tie you up. I'm gonna have to tie you

(14:42):
do I'm right hard. That's gonna be hard because I
refuse to do anything without using legos. I'm gonna have
to figure out how to tie up with legos and
keep you up there without them popping out. And I'm
gonna take I don't know, I'm gonna get you from
from groin, uh huh, from growing to lloyd, from growing

(15:03):
to neck. I'm gonna enist to give you a big
old slash from tint to Nate. You're gonna cract me
from taint Tonate. Tint to Nate going to cut you
like that in all your insides or kizzards. Hi, Nate, Yes,
thank you for coming in on such short notice. I
just had a few questions about what I've been hearing

(15:24):
around the office that you have a couple of different monikers,
and I wanted to go over one of them, Nate King.
I don't know how I feel about that. Uh, tain't
to Nate. I don't know what that means. And what's
that that's a sexual reference? Taint to Nate is a

(15:44):
sexual reference, right, And that's why I've asked you to
come to HR today. Um So why are you having
people call you tain't to Nate? They know what I
do on the weekends. I don't they know, Okay, I
won't tell me. If they did, someone start calling you this.
We got Joel dancing on the green stage, we got

(16:07):
Paul on the orange stage, and we got taped tonad
up on a gold stage. Remember, ladies, if you don't
tip taint Tonate won't strip a damnit Nate. What are
you doing, Nate, What are you doing street? Look, I'm
not taking anything off until I see a couple of bills. Alright, alright, ladies, ladies, ladies.

(16:30):
If you don't put out the coin, you won't see
taint tonight's growing. Let's get going here, all right, you guys.
This isn't bad. This is so bad that I know it.
But this is bad. It's definitely some dollars at him
is going to literally kill me if he knew that

(16:51):
I was here looking at Okay, ladies, ladies, enough chattering.
If you don't put out the dollars, taint ton Eate
can't pays feet for his kids scholars ship. Let's get
it out there. Excuse me? Are you Darius Johnson? I

(17:11):
am Wow. Nobody ever asks for Darius Johnson. Really, they
all just want Kamal Johnson. You're not appreciated at the
Lego manufacturing plant at which you work. No, I'm underappreciated.
I would say, I'm whatever is under under I'm sub underappreciated, Darius.

(17:33):
I represent Block Ohs. We're the fourth largest plastic building
block company. I don't know if I should be talking
to you. I I just need to get to my car. Please,
I'm just having a friendly conversation here, Dad, I just
need can I just set these groceries down? I just
need to get to my guys working on these days.
We Look, if I tell you will you will you

(17:57):
listen to me? Look, we're just figure we want to
figure out how to get blockos into uh. I mean,
we don't have the rights to Batman, but we want
to build like a like a batmobile. How do you
how do you do? Look? The only way to build
the batmobile is with the plans, and the plans are
under lock and key in the boss's office, and no
one can get to those plans except Darius Johnson. Darius

(18:22):
Johnson has never done anything so wild in his whole life.
Mrs Mrs Kamar Johnson, but you please approach the judge
and let's sit on the stand now. According to the
autopsy report, your husband Kamar had his eyes surgically removed

(18:43):
and replaced with legos. Is that correct objection, your honor?
There lego bricks? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't I didn't
know the correct terminology. I'm sorry. May I rephrase the question,
you're ontron. According to the autopsy report, your eyes had

(19:04):
is your husband had goddamnit, your honor. I am just flustered.
I'm flustered beyond belief. Can I take just a five
minute whiskey break? Please? Five minutes? Scene two comes from
listener Ophelia, who wrote simple scene suggestion Powerpuff Girls. Ophelia, Gee,

(19:34):
oh my god, I'm so excited. Do you think we're
going to meet all of them today? I mean, I've
got my book out her. Bubbles has a head cold,
so Bubbles might not be here, but certainly the others
would be. I wouldn't care if Bubble's had a head coat.
I would still want to meet. My god, I'm so nervous.

(19:55):
What what? What do we do we speak to them?
Do we say something? Do we just stand there and cog?
I've written down everything that I want to say to
them on my left hand. Do you want to practice?
Of course I do. Okay that Mojo Jojo huh he's
a crazy He's a crazy monkey? Oh god, I don't know.

(20:20):
Do you really want to refer to any of them
as monkeys? Well? No, Mojo Jojo wasn't what was a
was an evil character? And what Holy sh it, Tina,
you don't know shit about power Puffer. You don't know
shit about power puffka you you told me that you story.

(20:41):
I don't know what everyone does for a living within
the power Puff universe. Today, today is the day I'm
glad I had my right hand this written down in
case it's happening. I'm gonna read it straight to you.
Today is the day that you and I are no
longer friends. Oh my god, you lied to me on
the most important nail when you just tended you knew

(21:04):
about Powerpuff Girls. You don't even know Mojo Jojo. I
have my favorites. No, I didn't protend nor lie about Okay,
I lied. Here's the thing. I want to be popular
at school, and everyone gives a shit about these Powerpuff Girls.
I don't so yeah, I'm acting. I don't care, So

(21:25):
help me when I meet them? What do I say?
What do I do? You got one chance to redeem yourself.
Tell me you need to go into the bathroom and
put on the mayor's costume. The male was the main
character in the Powerpuff Girl. Oh my gosh it is.

(21:46):
It's been so many years and I've been dying to
run into you in the hollway. I can't believe this
is the first time Dexter. I'm such a fan of
your laboratory. Buttercup. It's me Buttercup. Yeah, of course of
horis from The Power Play Girls. Yeah, you're ah. You
guys are great. You guys look everyone on the network,

(22:08):
we're all. We just love we love what you what
you gals? Do you know? You're really good for girls?
It's really great where you're doing a weird way to
see that. No, it's great, it's great. It's great. I'm
sure girls love your show. I think a lot of
people love our show. Gosh. Wow. Sometimes you don't meet
your heroes. No, no, I'm meeting one of mine right now. Well,

(22:32):
heroins like girls can't be heroes, but they can be
heroines like the drug which if you come to my lab,
you gotta see what we're working on in there. Hey,
do you want one of these cigarettes? Oh? I don't smoke.
I need to fly. Oh okay, suit yourself, you can fly.
That is wild. I don't know that the Power Play

(22:53):
Girls flu it's puff um and you know what. I'm good?
All right? Hey, I heard you met Dexter earlier. Nexter's
the sexiest asshole who happens to make drugs in his laboratory.
They had no idea. I should have warned you. I

(23:14):
thought that. I mean, to be honest, I've had a
crush on him, to be honest. So it's a bad boy,
of course. I I love a red head. I love
I love that we're both like similar heighth ish And
if you really want to get close to Dexter, I
have one s of guestion to you. Take this costume.

(23:37):
It's the mayor's costume. Go on in the rest room,
put on the mayor's costume, and go talk to him
man to man. Once you woo him man to man,
you'll be able to woo him woman. I just like sir.
There's a we got a pretty long line outside waiting
to meet the Power Profect girls. So whenever you are ready,

(23:58):
we will open the doors. I'm ready. I'm ready to
open the doors. Okay, I didn't. I don't know why you.
I mean, I know we're building excitement, but they're they're
getting rowdy. I think Evan saw a friendship breakup outside,
so it's getting bad. Um, so I'm gonna open it up. Um,

(24:18):
just half the girls ready? Could you give me just
a second before you do. I want to just sneak
into the bathroom. Are you taking a whiskey break? No? No, man, no, no,
I can't do that anymore. I'm gonna change it. I
have gout. Now I'm gonna change into my Maya's costume.
Oh is that really necessary? Because the girls are here,

(24:38):
so we don't We don't need anything extra. But by
the time the girls are in here, then you know
what I mean. It's not your show, it's their show.
Just let him have this moment. You know, we run
the Spencer Gifts. You know, we don't have to be
part of the show. All right, you're right, you absolutely

(25:00):
right let him in. I'll stay dressed as myself. No, no, no,
Now you seem angry. You see, I'm I'm legitimately pisteof
put that lego brick knife down, okay o taking glasses off?
Please please give me my glasses back? Those are those

(25:20):
are Warby Parker's. Please give me those back. Oh that's
a lot less blood than I thought. Yeah, they have
all don't really. Oh man, I didn't expect that if
everyone here would because playing as the mayor, I've already
seen three more besides us. I feel stupid now, I

(25:41):
thought it was gonna be so unique coming to a
power Puff Girls event as the mayor. This is bullshit.
I don't see no Powerpuff Girls around here. I just
see mayor. This is bullshit. I'm taking town of mayors.
You can know who's running the thing if it's a
whole town of mayors. Look mayor, mayor, mayor girl dressed
as a mayor. Potentially a power Puff old dressed as
a mayor for some reason. Mayor mayor guy from Spencer

(26:04):
Gifts dressed as a mayor for some reason. I don't
know what's going on that has seen too C three
comes from Patron v I P. Bifster, who rode high
y'all if you could like a podcast too much, I

(26:26):
think I'd be getting dangerously close anyway. Scene suggestion workers
are returning to the offices and realizing that some of
them have changed. They've changed a lot, the workers, not
the offices. Oh Bifster, Yeah, I know. People are going

(26:48):
back to work. Uh. It's weird because we've been working
on Zoom for it feels like two years, and I
don't know what to expect. I mean, have I forgotten
how to interact with people that we're also this whole
cancer and cancel culture have happened. Honey, you have cancer
cancer me, honey, it's okay, it's kids, it's okay, it's

(27:10):
ok that has cancer. Dad does not have cancer. He
just misspokes. Just honey, you don't have cancer. He said
canceled culture. When he's saying he's going to work, is
he really going to go die from cancer and we're
not going to see him again? You have always been
our our darkest child, haven't you were not? He's not

(27:34):
going to die from cancer instead of work? What does
cancer culture? Is that? Where everybody? I just want to
make it clear this office is not going to indulge
in cancer culture. Uh. If you have cancer, we don't
want to know about it. So I have cancer, Okay.
Now now that's all I'm gonna see when I look

(27:56):
at you. Okay, Now you're to find by having cancer,
that's cancer culture. Uh. Now if you're if you're getting
chemo or other treatment, you have to leave. That's great.
Take as much time as you need. I definitely I
want people to get better. You know, I just don't
want to know about it. But I'm sick of cancer culture. Terry.

(28:18):
I called you into the office because you mentioned in
the meeting how that you have cancer and we have
to we have to write you up. Oh boy, hurry up, doc.
I don't have not doc. I'm sorry. And I see
everyone is the doctor now, either a doctor or mayor.
That's all I see. You're probably looking at my PhD
on the wall that is in English Studies from Vasser.
That's a college in the northeast. Of course I know Vasser. Well,

(28:42):
I got cancer there. Oh so sorry, sorry to hear that. Well,
I got my little arts degree and then I actually
went to Masters to give my masters a tough before
I returned to vast Or for my pH d. Well,
we're getting beside the point. Let me write you up
on this piece of paper. All right, This will go
into permanent file. It won't be two permanents, all right.
I really don't have that. We want you to get better,

(29:04):
We want you to get all the help you need,
but I just can't talk about it all the time.
All right, all right, okay, seem angry. No, No, I'm
not angry at all. It's just the cancer talking. I
also want to make it clear if you have a
June twenty one through July twenty second, birthday. We're not
going to be celebrating those birthdays. That's cancer culture. Come on,

(29:27):
Leo's aries, Gemini's. You're fine about just for that month.
We're not gonna say, yes, I not only do I
have cancer, but I'm also a cancer. Now does that
somehow cancel me out of there? Cancers them out? Uh?
Carry Uh. Well, I've got some some bad news and
some worst news for you. Please give me, give me

(29:49):
the absolute worst. Well, the absolute worst is you don't
have long. The second absolute worst is I'm not allowed
tell you how long you have because this hospital just
instituted a no cancer culture policy. We're not allowed to
talk about cancer in here anymore. So I'm just gonna

(30:11):
hand you this blank sheet of paper. I'm going to
assume you know what to do because I can no
longer tell you what sort of steps you can take. Also,
i'd like to wish you a happy birthday, but I'm
not thank you on birthday. Wish you know my father
always said, live every day is it's as if it's

(30:32):
your last fifteen minutes of life. I think I'm I
think I'm going to start doing that now. I think
you ought to. I think you ought to spend it
like it's the last twelve minutes of your life. So
whatever you've whatever you've got to do. And no, I'm
not I'm not. I'm not wink talking wink about cancer. Wink.
But doctor, there's anything you'd need to get done as

(30:53):
wealth as a men with cancer. Three times in a row,
I'm just saying, you may have I I winking cancer,
what you may have eye winking cancer. You winked at
me three times in a row. It's oh god, oh god,
this is this is devastating news. Cancer is very contagious, doctor,

(31:13):
everyone knows it. I didn't realize it was that quickly.
Airborne contagious, airborne. You have air gina. I know. I.
I bought the tickets. We're gonna have to resell them, okay.
I it's so stupid that the Comedy Central con is
on a weekday I work. I can't get out of
work at you needs someone to buy the tickets. I

(31:38):
don't und I just yeah, I'm gonna have to sell
my ticket. You can still go. I just like I
can't get out of Wait a second, I mean I
could just gosh, I could stay have cancer. Right, They'll
let me just take off time, you know, to get better.
But that that's like, that's bad, that's fat, It's really

(32:02):
bad in a big it's almost a guarantee that I'm
not gonna get it in an airborne like on a
plane situation. Yeah, you know what comes fuck up those
stupid idea stud idea, Well, there are no stupid ideas,
as it turns out, between us. You can say anything,

(32:23):
some of which I won't be paying attention to, but
have the freedom. You know, Gina, You're so honest with me,
and that's why. Sorry to interrupt you, guys. I just
heard on the on the news the con this weekend.
They said it's going to be the biggest thing ever,
the biggest thing. Excited, ice cream mugs. You guys gotta

(32:43):
find a way to go. You guys gotta find a
way to go. We have tickets and are you okay?
Uh yeah, everybody sold my car. Now. I'm just like
a Paul Revere on Hocus. I gotta go by Hey.
I love the idea of bringing back the town crier,
by the way, you know, and I loved the shoe

(33:07):
he seems. Welcome to the Comedy Central Cancel Cancer Culture Conference.
I am Craig Koski, Matt Craig Kowski, that Craig Kakowski.
And of course this is the Comedy Central Cancel Cancer

(33:29):
Culture Conference. Uh we have uh what is it on
a weekday? Yeah? Some of us usually have to go
to work on week days. Well, look you're all here right.
You must have got out somehow faked cancer. And I'm
on my lunch break. I'm dressed as the mayor, the

(33:53):
mayor of what? Uh? I was a character in power
puff I don't know if you watch Powerpuff Girls. No, okay,
it's a character. Now I feel silly. O can't I
can't hear you. I can't hear you, Sandra, Sandra coming
to my office? Yes you good? Yeah? Sure, I mean

(34:18):
I've had better days fed worst. Listen, I heard that
people are dressing up as me and as someone who
is trying to get a second term. Is this a
good thing? This is a bad thing. It's like it's
hard for me to gauge. Are they mocking me? Or
are they You're concerned as if you're being mocked. Well

(34:39):
I need to know, like, am I am I the
town joke or am I the town hero? Is this
a way to flatter me? Or is this a way
to well, I heard from the town crier that you're
being mocked in certain circles. Not all people are wearing
your face at a at a con. There's a con nearby.

(35:00):
Apprently it's and it's comedy, so that's probably making fun
of you and to some degree. Oh god, we're gonna
have to put out a pole. We're gonna have to
see where my numbers are at, because I'm getting really nervous. Also,
do I have to dance? Why are we putting out
a pole? Yeah? I need you to dance because we
need to raise money for my next You know you

(35:21):
are the fundraiser for my Yeah, I mean it's worked before. Well,
it's the mayor's fundraiser. Everybody over there on the green
stage today we have Sandra right next to Nate the Taint.
Change his name slightly, but not that much. Over on
the orange stage, don't forget slipping your dollar bills. Everybody

(35:42):
slipping your dollars, not your coins. Coins hurt dollars. Don't
wat them up, throw them. They won't feel it till
it hits their pockets. Do you like that? You like it?
Nothing comes off until I see a little cash. You're
really working it day. Oh yeah, you see these shoulders
move See my hips and shoulders moved together and saying

(36:04):
some movement. Which is I say? Bravo, thank you, thank you.
Usually it's just you standing next to the pole. Not
sure which is which. Because I've lost some weight, I
was thinking immobile. But sure, you're you're cute. You're cute. Well,
thank you, I guess yeah, you're you're special, are you?

(36:28):
That dollar bill does not go there? Mr? Okay, I'm sorry,
we should I stick it. I'm just looking for someplace
to stick it in my butt far far sorry about that.
Hold on just one second, alright, waded up and river. Alright,

(36:49):
gather around, employees, gather around. First of all, I want
you to know that I'm I'm okay, I'm okay. You
may wondering why I'm having this meeting laying down in
a bed hooked up to machines. I've decided to live
every day like it's the last fifteen minutes of Yeah,
that's a good idea. That's a good idea. Is it,

(37:11):
in fact the last fifteen minutes of your last? No? Again,
I am fine. I expect to live many more days,
but I am going to live every days like it's
the last fifteen minutes. So I'm on heavy medication right now.
I'm feeling delirious. But you're not about to die. I'm
not about to die. I'm just living every day as

(37:33):
if it's my last fifteen I always assume that welcome
to uh, poop like nobody's watching. Uh. This seminar today
will be teaching you how to live your best life.
And I like to start all of these by having
anyone volunteer any version of poop like no one's watching,

(37:54):
so that the rest of the group gets a good
idea of what it means to live forward, move, being
forward and not standing still. I have to admit that
I was a bit confused by the title of the seminaro,
no one's watching, Right, But I'm confused by that when
when when no one's watching me? Poop? Yeah, I help me?

(38:20):
Are you having trouble, yeah, watching when nobody watches me? Right?
You probably heard the term dance like no one's watching. Yes,
I have right, live every fifteen minutes like it's your
last day of every day, like it's the last fifteen minutes. Yes,
I have Yeah, Well, poop like no one's watching you?

(38:41):
Really get to hunker down and live your best life.
That's what it's about and living your best life, Mr Squats,
I have a question. I'm also confused by this title
poop like no One's watching. I was under the assumption
for most of my life that no one was watching.

(39:04):
Yet this title applies that there's been someone watching this
whole time. When someone watching me poop this whole time?
Would you like to see some video? No? But yes,
but no? Question two part uh firs first person in

(39:25):
the second world? Why is he dressed like the current
mayor of the city? And second question isn't this conference
usually hosted by Craig Kakowski? Uh, he's wearing the mayor's
outfit because he's proud and he's loud, and Greg Atkowski
is not here in protest. So happy to field any

(39:46):
other questions before we well, let me first of all
address the I thought, every day I'm pooping without anyone watching?
Is someone watching? It's a little confusing the title. I
guess I just hate to dance like no one's watching.
It's just so trite to me. So I thought, you know,
if you really want to live life to the fullest,

(40:06):
what is the one private place that you're still a
little self conscious baby. Before you go do this conference today.
If you want to see these titties, you need to
You need to make this conference and something special for me. Okay,
I know how you wanted to name this conference Live
your Best Life. Yes I did. If you want to

(40:29):
see these titties, the right and the left titty, change
the name of this conference. Stuff poop like no one's watching. Done.
Oh wow, Lorraine. And you're telling me that that that's
working well for you to to give him, you know,
the ultimatum of your titties, of something positive, of a reward,

(40:49):
because and then I will break it down to kill him.
I was telling you, I was gonna you can, you can,
you can. You can use a threat of violence if
you won't to. But if you break it down for him,
first of all, you give them titties as a whole,
and then you say, if you want to see the
right and left titty, because if he's thinking of it
is just one bosom, he may not go for it.

(41:09):
He might not go for it. That's really something Laurie
talk talk. You know, I like this a lot. I've
heard about pooping nobody's watching. But titti's talk. It sounds
like you should be doing your own conference. Lay are
you are you? Are you titty kid? Me? Um? Madam Mary. Look,

(41:32):
you raised a lot of money with the fundraiser, and
I understand the sex cells. But um, if you want
to see these titties, vote for me is not doing
well on those billboards. Some of them have been painted over. Okay,
let's change it. Then, let's change it to if you
want to see the left and the right. Madam Mary,
I'm not certain that that's it's I'm not certain it's

(41:54):
the one bosom theory that is the problem. Breast mayor's offer. Yeah,
this is the President of the United States of America.
Is the mayor in Yes, hold on one second on
speaker phone, boy, I want you to hear this too, Yes, yes, sir, okay, um,
it's the President of the United States hitting me. President

(42:16):
Cracklin is on the phone. President Cracklin is on the phone.
He wants he wants me on speaker phone. Mr President,
you are on speaker phone with the mayor. This is
President James Cracklin here. I saw your ad, your your
campaigns about showing your your titties. I want you to
know that you have the full force, understanding and support

(42:40):
of the White House behind behind your campaign. Thank you
so much. And by force do you mean the armed
forces can armed forces? I can also threaten violence. You
can do whatever you want. Now I feel like I
really got it. Look who's back in town? Are you
the president? Now? Huh? You're the president? Can you believe it?

(43:03):
I can't believe. And did you think that I was
ever going to stop coming to this strip club? You're wrong? Hey,
this is the first time. Well, Jimmy Crack came once
when he was president, but uh, but what two presidents
now and the one who started titty talk? I mean,
this is huge for all our dancers. Hey, dancers, is
a real meeting, real meeting, not zoom do the do

(43:26):
the remix of pussy talk? You know that song pussy Talk,
but with titty talk to the remix of my personal
remake your personal remiket. Well, let's just get I just
want the dancers to meet you because you're such an
inspiration to them. We I I show my titties like
no one's watching. That's that's really that's a motto here
and it came from your speeches and uh, this is

(43:50):
not a zoom. I need all dancers out here. I'm sorry.
I just haven't been in person in the office. Oh
my god, the president. Yes it is. I'm sorry, sir.
This is Mike the bouncer. The other dancers can't come
out right now. They all have cancer. Mike cancers here

(44:10):
they got they got dancer cancer. You need to you
know how we feel about that. Here, go see HR
and discuss it with them. You're gonna be written up, okay, Marke,
I'm going to see HR, not h HRS. Oh lord.
She runs the office services department. She doesn't handle human resource. Sorry,
Mr President, I didn't mean you to see all this. Uh,

(44:33):
but thanks for coming. And if you want to get
on stage, feel free. Wow, Madam President, we recommend that
you do not get on stage. Okay. My security is
telling me. Wow, I can't believe Darius that that lego
was really going here. This is like a miniature strip,

(44:53):
you know. Do you know what I had to go
through to get these plans? Oh? Wow? And you just
napp in that piece over there. There's a pull, there's
a green stage, and then an orange stage, and there's
a pull right here, and then it comes with four
figurines and four mayor outfits. You can interchange the outfits
on them. Okay, Blocos hasn't hadn't we haven't figured. Hold

(45:17):
on a second, you're getting a phone call. Hello, black Os,
this is Ramal. I have laced the legos that my
coworker browed over with plastic exposures. You have approximately fifteen minutest.

(45:39):
Let me put you on speaker and repeat that. Sorry show,
Oh my, oh, buddies, Let's thank all of our alchemists
for their absurd and glorious contributions today, starting with, of course,
Mr Gary Anthony Williams. Gary, you're in Toronto? Can you

(46:02):
tell us why are you legally allowed? Is there an
n d A involved? Which I just joined all of
the Toronto sporting teams I'm up here with whose line
is it anyway? During their live tours? Yeah, and just reconnecting.
I haven't been in Canada since they put the plastic
sea through strip and their money and it's beautiful. It's beautiful.

(46:25):
You can see right through their money now. Yeah. My
favorite thing, of course is when you call someone in Kennon,
they answered the phone this way. Sorry, hello, they answered,
I haven't called anybody here. Yeah, try my best to
captain proofs. And thank you very much for being here today.
Thank you brother. Yeah, uh, let's go around the horn

(46:47):
to Jackie Gonzalas to Ruthie Jackie too. Yeah, yeah, sorry,
we needed the horn to get to you. Um, thank
you so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
What a good time. Well hell yes we're should folks
find you and you're wares. I met Jackie Doruthe on
Instagram and I've decided to just live, just live my

(47:09):
life there and I'm not on email. I'm on an
email for forty eight hours, so I'm I can't work
living like it's the last two days. Yeah, you can
really poop like no one's watching exactly. Not even Google,
not even Google. I mean I can google things, but
it's no longer to my personal preferences. I'm no longer

(47:30):
getting the news stories that I want that are like
cater made to what I usually google. It's a really interesting,
it's a really interesting to live this way. Good luck.
Please report back how it goes. Thank you, thank you
all right? Sure a tool sing thank you for having me. Uh,
this is not a plug, but I just I own

(47:51):
an Alchemy this mug, but it does have the ninety
degree angle and I would like a mug that doesn't
now that I know that these exist, So just putting
it out there to the R and D team at
Alchemy this but thanks for having me lovely time. Appreciate
all of that input as always. Mark Gagliardi. Yeah, thanks

(48:14):
for having me. This was really fun. I love seeing
you guys, I love playing with you. Uh. Got some
cool news yesterday. We have an air date finally for
season two of Blood and Treasure July seventeen. Paramount plus
first episodes drop and then every Sunday after that, so
check it out starting this summer July Disneyland's birthday. Huh.

(48:42):
WHOA right? Pretty cool. Yeah, I don't know if the well.
I appreciate that that was lined up specifically by the competitor,
Paramount Greg Atkowski. Great to see you're still surfing and
you'd like to let your board dry off behind you.

(49:04):
That's why I always drive my board right here in
the office. May all your bulls be muggish, may all
your mugs be bullish and uh. A quick Google search
shows me that Lego does have a power Puff Girl set.
A word on whether Mojo Jojo is included and should be.

(49:24):
Oh man, that's right. Thank you for bringing that home.
Let's thank our producer and engineer to the stars, Mr
doug Bane. Fine folks that I hurt media. Thank each
and every damn one of you. We appreciate you more
than you know. Please tell everyone you've ever met so
we can appreciate them. To be kind to each other,

(49:45):
human beings. Until next time, no