Never late for school

Never late for school

Zoo animals commentary

Balloon World Cup

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This as always
I'm your host, Craig Kikowski. And when I say as always,
I mean this is the second time I've ever done
this kind I'm sucking nervous. And there's also there's also
a lot of other ship to worry about that Kevin
never talks about, like seen suggestions, hosting the zoom uh

(00:26):
sending out invites the zen caster, the fucking egos of
these performers. How does Kevin Pollack do it? It is
truly a thankless, thankless job. Anyway, Let's meet these people
who are here to improvise today. Uh, starting with Chris Alvarado. Chris,

(00:47):
how am I doing so far? I think you're doing great?
And you know what, good for you for letting the
people look behind the curtain, right. Yeah, Well, there's a
vulnerability I think in you know, admitting you know how
how stressed out? But all of this makes sense. Okay,
here's your here's your real question. Would you rather be
a little too hot or a little too cold? Oh,

(01:10):
that's such a hard question. I'm gonna go with I'm
gonna go with a little, a little, a little, a
little too just a little, just a little either way,
a little too cold, you'd rather be a little too cold,

(01:32):
a little too cold. I don't love my answer, I know, Craig,
I don't love it. I'm done. I made my answer,
final answer. I'm glad I'm here. I mean, there's ways
to interpret that. I always feel like when talking about sleep,
like in your bed. You know it's a little too cold.
You can always add more blankets, right, you know, but
it's a little too hot, you know. I find it

(01:54):
harder just because, like, just because, Craig, I'm thinking about this.
I'm thinking I have to live in that stay eat
for however long without being able to correct it meaning
a little too hot. I could like to turn the
a C. I'm thinking I just have to live in
the state, Right, Craig, that's a better way to interpret it.
I think you can't. You can't correct there's no jacket
if it's a little too cold. Yeah, I mean, I'm

(02:18):
taking it all in. This is maybe the deepest question
so far. Okay, uh, well, let's let's see if if
I have an equally deep question for Jackie Gonzalez to Ruthie, Jackie,
for the rest of your life, you can only taste salt, sweet,
bitter or so. I I know where you're going with

(02:39):
this bitter or so? Are you can't choose you, mommy,
because that would be cheating what what what tastes? But
are you gonna focus on? I'm gonna focus on the tooth,
and that's my sweet tooth, my friend. Uh, it's strong
in my body and my um my blood jugger is
always like at a very healthy level, so I've feel

(03:00):
like my my body also does well. I'm made for sugar.
I love sugar. Um, yeah, I do love. I love sweet.
I love sweet, and you can obviously eat. You can
have a salad. You just won't taste anything. You won't
taste them. You won't taste the bitter anymore. They the
only the only taste that will pop are the sweet

(03:21):
ones that would be wonderful for me. I'm wondering who
like for me? It's it's salt. If I had to
go with one, some people would love I'm going with
I'm going with salty food. I love pizza, popcorn, potato
chips like all that ship. But who's going with bitter
or sour? Thing with bitter? Very fine palette? Yeah, I

(03:48):
think they have an issue issue I thought of them
as same taste, bitter and make the same face. Who
is the strange person who just talked, Well, it's it's
a tool, sig oh, a tool. I imagine at some
point in your life you've purchased a motor vehicle. Mm hmm.

(04:10):
What is your what is your approach for dealing with
car salespeople? Uh, you just have to realize that it's
gonna take a lot of time, and there's no concept
of like walk in, walk out. Well, I'm not there
financially yet I've heard from people who are there financially
that sometimes they will just you can work it out
on the phone and they just drop it off at
your house and leave. The people do that. People do that,

(04:35):
they by car, the guy comes to their house, they sign,
and then that guy leaves somehow without a car. And uh,
that's exciting. I look forward to that one day. But
right now, Uh, you know, you just you know, you
do your research, you do your Edmonds Go Blue book,
and you you just come in well prepared. You know
as much as they do, which I like, sorry too,

(04:58):
I like everybody to know and I think the what
you do, but just in case they don't, you are
the most grown up person. I know you also have
a very fun, playful side, but like you're the type
of guy that when my dad met him, was like,
I want to I wouldn't mind having some qualities that
a tool has. Its like my own father, you know
what I mean, he grows up when he grows up.
I can just imagine you walking into the dealership pretty

(05:20):
as far as you, as far as one can be,
very well prepared. You got a price, you you know
what you're looking for. I imagine that you're just very
like prepared is the word. We're not walking and I'm scared.
I'm like, can I please maybe have a car? I
hope so, I don't know. I'm sure they're taking me
for a ride still, but we do. I think you
have to allow that, just like let him take you

(05:41):
for a ride for a little bit. It's terrifying. Thank
you a tool for for making it easier. Uh, last,
but not least, Mark Gagliardi, Hello Mark, it is never
too early to start planning your funeral. Uh what what
show too? Does that weone gonna sing along too? I

(06:03):
think I mean, obviously there's gonna be a whole section.
It might be a medley. There will be playing medley
of chorus based song, so it'll be you know, you'll
have your seasons of Love there you go. Yeah, Seasons
of Love is going to be on there. Um that. Yeah,

(06:24):
I don't like. I don't know. I want my funeral
to be a a triumphant affair, so I've probably throw
some Do you hear the people sing in there? I
love it? Do you hear the people sing? Yeah? There
more people who can participate, I think, oh yeah, yeah,

(06:45):
I want a big rousing or maybe even um, consider
yourself from Oliver, that's a big rousing yourself. Yeah, family,
anything that would be lots of people marching through a
European city. This is great. I can't wait. I can't wait. Well,

(07:08):
I mean I can. Let's wait a while. It's gonna
be great. Uh Okay. Those are our alchemists for today
and uh that's been our show. No all of them
we're gonna improvised for you in a minute. But all
of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or
from our Patreon v I p s to become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content like

(07:31):
stand alone bonus scenes video of our recording sessions and
at the highest level of support Alchemniac, you'll have the
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on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If
you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast at our new ish email address,
Alchemy This email at gmail dot com. That's seen one

(07:56):
today comes from Luca Yee. Lou Ka says, why didn't
you tell me you were running out of scenes? Well,
that was true at the time you wrote this email, Luca,
we are no longer running out of scenes. We have, uh,
we have a plethora that we will never I can
tell you right now we will never ever ever get
to some of these seats set. So we're good for

(08:17):
right now. But at the time we we made a
flea and and you guys answered the call and so,
uh so we've got a lot of great ones. So
Lucas says, why didn't you tell me you're running out
of scenes? I've been rationing them. Uh, here's one. Never
late for school. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go,

(08:38):
let's go, let's go go. Get your stuff, get your stuff.
Trevor Trevor, Trevor Frederick Johnson, Trevor Frederick Johnson. But Dr Johnson,
can I call you Dad yet? When you when you've
earned and you hit all your marks on our on

(09:00):
our checklist. Yeah, maybe then we'll have a proper relationship.
Right now, you are about to be late for school again.
I can't have that up. You go all right, I'm up.
I'm up, Julie. Yes, I don't know if you noticed,
but I actually tied my own bow tie today. I
thought that it would be a great little accent to
my already superb uniform. Julie, you are the poster child.

(09:27):
You heard me. I think you heard me. I don't know.
I may have mumbled it under my breath, but if
you want it louder, it was. I think Dad would
love to hear what you just said. I'm up, I'm up,
I'm going to school. He used an expelutive. He used
an expelutive. Thank you, Julie. I'll handle it from here. Um, Julie,

(09:48):
you can drive today, Oh my god, saying she's eleven.
When you match your responsibilities with your intellect, you get perks. Ah. Fine,
remember that's my only thing. When you match say it
your responsibility. When your responsibilities with your intellects, you get

(10:11):
parks Principal Dugger. As you know, today is awards day.
I know that Bosworth and the principal of this school.
I'm the vice principle and if something were to happen
to you, I would step into your place. I know
the chain of command here in the line of succession.
All right, Mr Doug, I just wanted to go through
a couple of things now. For most of the awards,
the students voted. As you know, I know how the

(10:34):
voting system where I'm not at dating yet Bosworth. No, no, no, no,
I'm just saying, if something were to happen to you,
I would take your position, and I want to let
you know I'm ready to do so. I know how
it works. And Buzzworth, are you playing on doing me in? No? No, no, no, no,
that's not it at all. Okay, all right, um, okay,
So students have voted. Students have voted. We have funniest student,

(10:55):
we have smartest student, we have best looking students. We
have the standards second. Say all right, um, we have
worst looking students this year? We have second, we have
best looking and second best looking. All right, if you
wanted to throw that in, we could, We could make
you and I could judge that right now, Well, I
think we know who it is. Well, we know who
it is. We don't we don't, Well what keep that

(11:16):
between ourselves? A second best looking is almost like, you know,
losing the Super Bowl? Right? Yeah, that's right, that's right.
That's the worst team a football is the team that
loses the Super Bowl. Oh oh I huh. I didn't
consider it that way. Okay, moving on to some of
the more boring awards. This is where you and I

(11:39):
jump in. Okay, so, um, we have um smartest person,
but that's that's just a number seve person. Yes, that
goes to me. Yeah, because we don't specify students a
second smartest person. I was helping. Maybe I could get
your your vote, okay, okay, And then we're moving on

(12:01):
to attendance. Attendance, I know, I know, but so here's
the thing this year is we have two students that
have never missed the day. And now added those two students,
one of them has been on time every day and
one of them was late once. Now, attendance doesn't specify tardiness,

(12:23):
so I didn't know you're you're going to a tiebreaker.
I'm saying it's typebreaker day. And as you know, that's
going to be done publicly. I mean it's in the
rule books. The students must compete in front of all
the other students to see who who is the best.
Buzzworth is one of these students, Trevor Johnson, Yes, sir, okay.

(12:45):
And who's the other one? His sister Julie Johnson. Julie Johnson,
Trevor Johnson and Julie Johnson. Now we could just choose
right now. You can just do it right here. Now,
who's the one that's that's with slightly late once? Trevor
was slightly late once? Right now, I have it on

(13:07):
good authority that they come in the same car, so
they were probably on campus at the same time. Interesting, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Well if if if something ever happened to you, I
got these trophies. Here, Where do I put them? Oh,
you're you're gonna want to put those in the auditorium
in the backstage. You have to sign off. We got

(13:29):
a loading doc. You know, we actually got this auditorium
was redone last year because our musical was such a
smash hit. We gotta bump up in the booster. So
you know, we got a lot of good money coming in. Now,
what did you what did you put on last year?
We put on it was a mashup. It was a
mashup of Oliver, le viz Lems and Oliver. Yeah, it

(13:53):
was called Mr Oliver, That's what it was called. Every
song was a mashup. Yeah, every saw was a bash
shop everyone. Sure, I would love to hear one of
those numbers to bottom. Yeah, you should have been there.
It was incredible, kids, it's such a beautiful job. Well,
I just want to make sure where do you want
me to put these? Uh where you want to put

(14:13):
these swords for the tiebreaker? Oh? Yeah, you could actually
put that into us. We actually have a new dressing
room now. We got the whole auditorium revamped. Yeah, we
got a new bigger backstage situation, loading doc a no
uh an actual makeup room. Sure, Oliver, that show was fantastical.

(14:37):
You got to oh well you left. Uh Hey we
make swords, uh, Trevor. Yeah, what's your sister's name? What's
your sister's name again? Julie? Julie. Yeah, look, Trevor, I

(14:58):
see a lot of myself in you. Does that mean anything? Tokay?
I mean it's it's unfortunate for me. No, No, you're
kidding me. I love a good luck. You see that
suber U out back out there, of course, yeah, the
one that yeah, the one that somebody wrote wash me

(15:18):
on the back and then drew a finger penis on.
That's me. That's my car. That's it's a. It's a
it's a good car. Can I lift this helmet up
so I can see you a little better. You gotta
leave the helmet on for a sect there, Trevor. Listen,
you're gonna fight this is this armor is heavy, and
that's good. I don't want to do this this she's

(15:40):
my sister. Is this a pep talk? I don't know
what's happening. This is a pep talk. Look at me,
Look at me trying one person in my way, Trevor.
What Principal Dugger is in my way at becoming allowing
me to be all I can be? Does that make

(16:01):
sense to you? I mean, of course he's he's he's
Principal Dugger. I mean he's he's untouchable. Okay, okay, he's there.
I mean he's the smartest person in the school, Mrs Prescott,
could could you come into my office for a second? Yeah? Um? Did?

(16:22):
Did Vice Principal Bozzworth bring this chai latte onto my desk? Um,
I'm not listen. I've been dealing with loading in and
loading out the need. I need you to taste the
latte for me? What am I? Okay? I mean I
can certainly taste it? Sure, okay, okay, an excited poison.

(16:45):
An excited poison to taste it normal to me? I
feel okay? What kind of what kind of traps did
you to set me in? Look? Bosworth is trying to
kill me? Okay? Oh, I wish you would talk me that.
I thought I was tasting it to see if it
was full fat or non fat so I or cow?

(17:06):
What the hell? Wait? What is the fat content? To them? Though?
It seems like it's actually an oat milk, which you
would think has a lower fat content. But nowadays they're
adding more to make it a frothier deal so that
the baristas can actually quip it into a phone on top. Okay,

(17:27):
thank you, Miss Prescott, give it, give it another taste? Okay? Alright, students,
everybody settled down this time, As you know, this is
our favorite day of the year here at the school.
We're going to hand out the awards. You will vote
it on, Yeah, you will vote it on. Um. Now,

(17:51):
as you know, I can't be the one to announce
the winners. That has to be done my principal girl.
Everybody dog, they love they love you. UM. I just
want to say thank you to everybody. And if you
didn't win, that's fine, that's fine too. These these don't
mean much. These don't mean much. Uh. List this year,

(18:17):
it's worse looking on the list this year. Don't worry, Seaboard,
don't worry seabol You've got it. You've got it, but
with a trophy. No, no trophy, but you know you
know who you are and you know what you won.
All right, here we go, then, Principal Tuggers, shall we

(18:41):
well as always, Let's kick it off with smartest person
and uh, let's uh and now we've got we've got
from the drama department, a little preview of the of
the Spring musical. I believe they have a little song
for me. Did you want them to come out now
or after that? Superboard? Okay, let me give it a

(19:03):
little Can I do a little intro myself. Sure, all right,
thank you so much. Hey, guys, thank you so much
for your ongoing support of the Drama Club. It's incredible. Okay,
that's that's really inappropriate since you're the Vice Principle, but whatever,
So we just want to thank you so much. Um.

(19:25):
Last spring mash up was a big hit. We've got
another mash up for you. Please get ready for book
of rent. You can they go? He my name is,

(19:47):
my name is Chris. Oh my god, my heart. Okay,
she's she either was poisoned or she's having heartburn from
them from the oat milk. Which is it? Which is it?

(20:09):
What are it feels like an elephant sitting on your
just miss Prescott, Miss Prescott, Um, everything's all right. Me
and my medical team, I've looked at everything. Looks like
it was just a bad case of frothy oat milk.
They really shouldn't froth it. But she's going to be

(20:30):
She's gonna be all right. Doctor. So just to clarify,
I'm sorry you the vice man, because I can only
technically speak to the principle. Thank the doctor. Oh okay,
then please step back, please step back, please step back,
step out of the room, sir, step out of the room.
I'm leaving. We don't allow Sorry about that. Mr Principal's

(20:52):
all right, Ah, so the here's her full diagnostic report. Um,
you can take a look at it. Poison in there,
but there's no poison found in there. Uh, all right,
how we'll deal with that? Yeah, I can't. I can't
make heads or tail of this doctor. You can take
this is all her medical details. You can take it

(21:13):
home with you and analyze it. And no big deal.
We share with everybody except especially principles. Pretty much, everything's fine.
She's gonna be all right two days, three days max.
She'll need to be here. And uh, you know, wait
a minute, if me and Bosworth are both at the hospital,
who's running the school? I don't know. I don't know.

(21:33):
I wasn't I wasn't asking you. It was a rhetorical
so you know the answer already. I don't know the answer. Well,
then it's not rhetorical. Is it just a question? And
well I was asking guy. Well, I guess I'm the
only adult that's still here. Uh, I'll have as a
pickup truck full of swords. So uh an, let's fight

(21:59):
each other to death, all right? Ship kids have at
it all right, let me go grab a handful of
Oh wow, these two are already starting it up. Hey, yes,
stand principle, Dugger, it's it's me. I know I'm at
your house. Probably weren't expected me, can I God, what

(22:19):
is it? Bosworth? We just sare real names. Our first
name is We're out of school. Look, I brought you
a six pack of the bat I just want to say,
obviously today was not a great day Canadian beer, just
like I used to drink growing up in Saskatch one.

(22:40):
That's right, I don't. I want you to look at
the six pack as an award I'm giving you for
what being the best? You're the best, principle, You're the
best person, You're the best everything. Why are you holding
a knife? Because one of us is going to die here?

(23:03):
And that's our first scene see two today because the
listener Amelio, Hey Kevin, my name is Craig. Been a
listener since I was an intern at a company back
in two thousand eighteen, and now we've been full time
with the same company. Still depressed though, anyways. Scene suggestion

(23:25):
is zoo animals. Commentary of the people watching them. Ah,
look at these two. Peez wow. I think they're in love.
Gross nothing gross love. Guys. That guy's got to be
the ugliest guy is in his realm. Look, just because

(23:52):
you're a silver back and you've gotta be tough guy
all the time, it doesn't mean occasionally you can't let
your heart open. You know what I mean, My heart's open.
It's just like I'm just making observations, Terry, That's all
I'm doing. It just feels like maybe you're looking into
a mirror sometimes. You know, when you say those negative
things about that, maybe you're saying negative things about yourself.
Smar semar look at the gorillas. Oh, I mean, yeah,

(24:19):
he's you two, you too, Janey. Ah, Okay, look they're
both ugly. But but but but what what good is
it for us to say that? I mean, I'm just uh,
he's got two kids, and maybe they're both just on

(24:41):
a very different level of attractiveness, you know, the one
of the right, probably you could be best looking, and
the one on the left. And I just think that's
all I'm pointing. I'm just pointing out. It's not an introspection,
all right, all right, he's pointing at us, he's pointing
at us. Well, I don't know that he's pointing at us.

(25:02):
Uh Seymour, I bet they're talking about us in Gorilla. Okay, okaye,
more baby, Baby, I think Janie needs to ship. Okay,
you take her to the bathroom. She just shut her
brains out like ten minutes ago. Who something has not

(25:22):
hit her correctly? And you know how I feel about
public restrooms. Okay, okay, whatever you gotta do, baby, Thank
you for taking her to the bathroom. Okay, is that
what you're suggesting? All right? Yes? Would you mind taking
her to the bathroom? Okay, fine, you guys gonna be
okay here, smour She's gonna have a great time. Sure,

(25:45):
I'm mom. Look they're pointing at us again. It's one
of them laughing. Oh we're funny. Could eat tee them? Baby,
Oh that's a good idea. I'm gonna put my finger
on the glass and see what they do. It looks
like the kids trying to eat you. All right, I'll go,
I'll go. Let me do this all right, here, you

(26:06):
walk over here and figure out come. Oh he's eating me, kid, kid?
Do you understand me? Wait? Do you understand me? Understand?
I gotta release with this grip. I gotta release my finger.
What mom? It was? It was the most amazing thing.

(26:29):
What were we doing? What were you doing? Over there?
A kid? He he can communicate with me, gorilla, you
check it out, can communicate with me. All right, I'll
try it. I'll come on, I want to do it.
I'll try it. This one. I'm not getting anything from

(26:51):
I'm not getting anything, Okay, Janey, come on, come on, alight, No,
we we don't have time to see the mirror cats. Okay,
right here, completely lately, okay, so cute. Okay, we can
stop for two minutes and look at the mirror cats.

(27:11):
All right, we're gonna make it all two minutes. Okay, Well,
you gotta choose one of the Hey, Jeff, Jeff, come movie.
I think this girl is about the about the ship
of pants. Come on, I know this look. I know
this look when the Toddles about the ship their pants.
Come on, guys, guys, guys, stick heads out, stick your

(27:32):
heads out, your heads out, look at it. Okay, Okay,
I'll be lookout. I'll be lookout. Ho shitting ho shitting?
Who shitting? Who? Ship? This kid right here, this kid
right here, Jeff, Jeff, you don't just look out right. Now,
animal's gonna get us. We're in the zoo. Just turn around,
just turn around, you Why do you always have to
be on just turning as turn around, Jeff, Not in

(27:52):
a full circle. No, I mean toward toward the kid.
Come on, Jeff, the kids about the pants. It's gonna
gotta look for hyenas. I gotta look fine is we're
in a zoo. There's no hyen You never know, you
never know. I'm paranoid. Okay, call me paranoid. But but okay,
we'll call you paranoid. Have we been attacked once when
I've been on lookout? No? No? All right, goodamtadatada, Diane. Look,

(28:23):
everyone knows you're the most beautiful flamingo here. All we're
asking is that maybe you tone it down a bit. Okay,
you don't need to flaunt it so much. Not all
of us are are as pink as you. Not all
of us eat the shrimp like you do. Can you
just tone it down a bit? Look at these Look
at these trophies. Count these trophies. Best looking, best looking,

(28:47):
best looking, best looking, smartest person, best that that didn't
that one didn't go to you, Diane. It's on my trophy.
Sholw it went to Roger. You broke up with him
and you kept it, and that shitty. That's shitty. It's
not shy. He has my blanket, so it's the Okay,
I don't want to get I don't want to get

(29:08):
into this with you. I'm just saying, don't you want
to have some friends, Diane? I have friends? People. Look
at me. Look a look at these people taking a
picture of me. Look at people. Take friends. They're not
your friends taking a picture of me. They're gonna post it.
It's gonna be They're gonna tag me. And what do
you think that tag is going to say, Diane, the

(29:31):
prettiest thing I saw at the zoo you're a witch? Which, yeah,
you're a real witch coming from you, that's that's okay. Okay,
I'm not the prettiest, but I'm one of the nicest
Flamingos here asking anybody people like me. You're gonna take
me to your trophy wall. Now, No, I don't have

(29:53):
a trophy wall. Okay. For some reason, the Flamingos only
give out two trophies a year. That's best looking and smartest,
and I'm not either of those. And I know that. Okay,
j Jeney, there's not time to see the flamingos all right?
My favorite color? Come on? Okay, okay, are you going

(30:15):
in your pants? No? Not holding it out? I can
do it. Get away from that kid. That kid can
talk to us. Uh you maybe you kid? Listen? Oh
there he is. Let me put my finger up. No, no no,

(30:36):
I want yeah, I didn't want the one. I can
talk to theory ship. Hey kid, listen, can you get
us some supplies? I mean, what kind of stuff? Why
do you need? Just like a rope? Can you get
us a rope? Are you? Are you hang on a second? Hey? Mom,

(30:56):
can you step away? I want to talk to this
guerrilla privately for just a second. Excuse me, I'm here.
I'm just gonna supervise you, Okay, And honestly, baby, I'm bored.
I'm bored Mommy's board. Okay, I want to move on
to the next exhibit. But I'm talking to this gorilla

(31:22):
real quick, real quick? Okay, okay, real quick? Are you
fashioning an escape? No, I'm not supposed to tell you,
but baby, some of us have to get out of here.
Can you help me what I can do? All right?
I toch my mom. First, Baby, I don't know. Things
just went all wrong. What happened? Well, listen, all I

(31:48):
have to say is this is now blaming us for
a gorilla hanging itself. Oh God, And I don't know
why you would blame us. I really don't. I really don't.
All right, Okay, I don't ask you this question one
more time. You said you were communicating with the gorilla.

(32:10):
I was. We were eating and you say wanted me
to give him a rope. I thought it was to escape.
I didn't know he was gonna kill himself. Okay, little girl,
right now, my partners in the other room talking to
your brother. And this is zoo police, so this is serious,
serious stuff. Okay are you all? Are you all right now?

(32:36):
But something's brewing? Okay? What what is brewing? Making my
my stomach? Okay? You wanna you wanta tu? Oh yeah?
Detectives in my office? What the hell's going? I just
got off with the zoo mayor, who just got off

(32:58):
the phone with the zoo governor, and they're chewing down
my throat. Figure out what the fuss happened? What's what's up?
Zu lieutenant? Yeah, what's up? Zutenant? It is better now
that Zoe Tenant Zoo Tenant is way better. I don't
know why we were calling your zul lieutenant all these years.
You guys having a laugh right now? You no, like, well,

(33:20):
I think we're close to breaking these kids. All right. Well,
here's the thing. We need a confession by the end
of the day. So you have three minutes to get
that confession. Seutenant. This is not my jurisdiction, I know,
but Seu Tenant, it's so good, it flows, it flows.
Can we get someone to cut that gorilla down because
leaving it there seems strange. No, no, we'll do that.

(33:42):
I don't I wasn't aware. And the other gorillas are
kind of tapping at it and it swaying. Yeah, and
it's got a lot of a lot of the lot
of the people are watching to take care of it.
Right now. It's just like it looks like it looks
he's huge, she's huge. You know what I mean. We
should have closed the zoo too. Who This is what

(34:08):
happens when you don't spend enough time with your introspections.
Perhaps maybe we don't live a life so on the
surface that makes sense. Gorillas stop stop touching it. Stop
touching him. Stop touching look moves. Yeah, you're playing. It's

(34:32):
not tether ball. It's not tether ball. Is your tenant? Uh?
Yeah again? I love it, but I'm sorry doing for
you that one of one of the Flamingos has hung themselves,
one of the Flamigos is hugging themselves. Please tell me
it wasn't grazy. Please tell me it wasn't crazy. That

(34:55):
that's the really sexy one. Right. Hey, hey, look, I
you're a detective. I can appreciate beauty. What I see it?
Did you say beauty or booty? Well, Donna, I hope
you're happy Gracy Hunger South, probably because she was second
prettiest here. I'm I'm not happy. I'm not talking to you, Beth.

(35:17):
I'm talking to Donna. I'm talking about I have to
make my statement too. I'm not happy. Stop talking her,
stop pecking at her. I'm talking to you, Donna. You
know what I'm done talking with all of you? If
can I fly? Can we fly? Okay, guys, I'm trying

(35:39):
to be lookout, but all I'm seeing is Denny's feet
dangling in front of my eyes. What is happening in
this right now? I don't know. She talks her so
much simpler when we were just watching people ship their pants.
Now there's at least one animal in every enclosure. It seems.

(36:02):
I hate to do this, but we found your daughter
in the bathroom and she's just fine. She's we got
she did. She pooped everywhere. She pooped everywhere, and that
someone's okay, good, oh good, that's great. She got to

(36:24):
clean it up herself. We're gonna give her this rope
to clean the poop up with. That's not going to
clean up pop. No, James, We're not going to give
her a rope. Party of hers on the end of
the stick. That's that's scene number two. Number three comes

(36:45):
from listener Aaron Williams. I love you guys. As soon
as I'm off probation and no longer have to pay
for drug court classes and all that bullshit, I'll become
a Patreon supporter. I promise same. Take your time. Here's
my scene suggestion to keep the balloon up of the
air World cup. Yep, it's a real thing. Thanks for everything.

(37:05):
Fund the police a cap. Alright, everybody, we're gonna start
here any minute. Uh just you want to go over?
Uh No, balloons with helium. Obviously, we will be checking
forward that um and right, here's the returning champions from

(37:26):
the state of Idaho. The monkey pause. Yeah, fuck everyone else,
monkey pause representing Boise not yes, monkey Paul, Yes, yes,

(37:48):
I recognized a gentleman from Arkansas. Uh huh. Now I
understand that the balloons are being tested constantly for helium
other floating hydrogen? Are we has the board been testing
testing the actual contestants? The monkey policy seem to have

(38:09):
some unusual physical advantage that some of us don't have.
We can't test unless we get a complaint. Are you
following an official complaint? Yeah? You're Weren't you ripped? For you?
Is that in Arkansas? I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm
not filing an actual, an official complaint, just just food

(38:31):
for thought in case anybody else might. I've been thinking
about this. I'm looking at you because I will admit,
it's a lot easier to keep the balloon up when
your first hit. Oh, ship knocks at three hundred feet
in the air. Look at that balloon going. You're gonna
say something. I told you. Don't look at me. I

(38:53):
think you're attractive. Don't look at me. When I am here,
I am not your friends, okay, but one where when
we leave, who's texting me all the time, all the facetimes.
Only when I'm bored and drunk. Only when I'm bored
and drunk. Fine, here it comes, and Mater, I'm gonna
go get coffee. He wants something I don't know. I'm

(39:17):
gonna have a red eye, not you. Yeah, I want
to have a red eye. That sounds good. Alright, Well,
everyone to disperse, take your three or four minutes to
get in the right mental space, and we will start
the competition post taste. Thank you, thank you. Oh yeah,

(39:40):
I think stretching is a really important before before I
get out there. You know, for me, it's not so
much the physical, It's more about the mental strategies of
the game. Yeah, those guys over there huge, But I'm
just talking to myself. Hey, Dad, can we get monkey

(40:01):
Palls autographed? This time? Not this time? Oh? Come on,
you said that the last time we were here, that
we could get it the next time we would come.
What's right on the aisle post autographed? I was over there.
I'm a man of my word, and if that's what
I said, then I meant it. When I said it, yeah,

(40:22):
let me get a red eye. Now whoa hey are
you hey? What's going on? A little man? Oh my gosh,
we're such huge fans. Look at look at our t shirts.
You're on our shirt? Yeah, yeah, the ninety eight World Tour. Yeah. Man,
that was such a cool That was such a cool

(40:45):
signed my shirt. Great advantage and mine too. Sure sure,
I mean if your dad's okay with it, yeah, he said,
he said, that said it was fine. All right, you
get a sharpie and again I'm on a time. Let
it here because that care like got a balloon up
in the air. Oh nice? Oh wow? Did he do
a three ft footter? Yeah? Yeah, that's it slowly coming

(41:07):
down over there, you can see it. Okay, Here, here's
the sharpie. It's the skinny kind of sharpie. In case
you want to write a whole note. Those uh, those
your boys over there, those are strapping young boys. I
don't know if you recognize me, but I'm I'm Arkansas. Okay, No,

(41:28):
I didn't recognize you. But also in the competition, yeah,
part of the world, the circuit. You know, wherever they go,
I'll go. You know, absolutely, you can. I interest you
in a free Arkansas hat here it's a snap back
trucker style. Uh no, no, no charge. A little support,
any support would really be helped. Sure, sure, sure, um listen,
you can give that to me. But I'm going to

(41:49):
be completely honest with you, because I'm a man of
my word. It's just gonna go into the trunk of
my car. No one's about cosmic called books. Okay, I
just want to be honest. You're giving stuff out and
with you is your favorite? Who's your favorite? I would
go with Iowa, of course, a h I love a
flat land. I think that that makes them the truest competitor.

(42:11):
They have no higher ground to get to. Um. They
don't have any water to help flotation either. You know,
they're just kind of dealing with the truest competitors. Not
to mention all of the corn. Those are tall and
if you can prevent it from hitting one of them,
if your boys want an autograph, if your boys on

(42:32):
an autograph, I got about another minute before I gotta
get going. If you want to call him over here, hey,
well look he signed it. He wrote a whole note,
he signed mine in blood, he signed my bod practice.
Excuse me, So we're trying to get to our dad.

(42:52):
I don't know if you know recognize me. Maybe this
move m hmm we elbow double elbows? Are your Arkansas
Arkansas from from competitor, He's Arkansas monkey paw. Uh. I
need to have a chat with you too. Yeah, let's
go without commission. We need to do a little test

(43:16):
to make sure you're not been you haven't been juicing?
All right, Okay, what do you need me to pee into?
Of course, it's it's not just peeing. There's a lot.
There's a kind of a mental and physical agility. All right,
hold on a second, boo the alright, sorry, go ahead.

(43:41):
You can use helium and hydrogen and practice balloons, but
not in the real tournament. Okay, sure, sure, yeah, so
I just needs you to can you lift this uh
stone that weighs approximately a stone? Sure? I mean do
you want us to pee on it first? Uh no, No,
don't worry about the PA. Guys, looks like you're really

(44:03):
ready to be. We are ready to be. We are
ready to be. We will be on in through above anything.
Just keep it in your pants for right now. All right,
Sure it's hard, but I'll try. You're what no? I
mean it's differ, it's difficult. So okay, yeah, wait wait
wait wait wait wait, let me get this straight. Little man.

(44:23):
You said you said one of the Monkey Pops signed
in blood. Is that right? Signed my brothers? He signed
my brother's shirt and blood because the sharp guy had
because Monkey Paul was holding the sharp angle. He wasn't
wasn't holding an Angli is holding it. I was telling it.
I was telling it. God anyway, what what's your point, Mr? Well,

(44:46):
I don't know if your daddy's ever seen one of
these strips before, these tests for substances that shouldn't be
in the human body. And all I gotta do is
get a little bit of that blood. I can put
it on this strip and see if maybe the Monkey
Pop boys been cheating. Hey, back off my kids, back
off my kid hate, no harm, no harm, So that

(45:07):
the same. I'm just saying, you're you're the dad, right,
and you you talked about how much appreciate iowa to say, yeah,
you know, you probably don't want your boys rooting for cheaters. Listen,
we're not uh, we're not here to uh we're not
here to deal with with you. Okay, it feels like

(45:28):
maybe you should. Yeah, I'm selling. Uh, I'm selling cocaine, drugs,
other drugs, and I got these strips. Man, you want
these strips, you can use these strips on the deal man.
You think I want to strip I'm trying to get
that cocaine. Well, listen, if you give you these strips,
you can test to see if people are on on substances,
you know what I mean? So, uh yeah, little by

(45:51):
the cocaine we're throwing. These strips are free. Actually, I
feel that the strips is my money makers. If you
buy the strips, I'll throw in the cocaine. All right,
I've got an a the strip standing eight boss trips.
That's eight strip one cocaine. Godkin, Hey, hey, hey, is
this your territory? I um, I absolutely lost it. I

(46:14):
was at the competition with my boys. A guy came
up to me asked me about suppretting cheaters, and I
just lost I just lost it. Did you have one
of your incidents again? Is that what it was? Did
you have an incident? Well, it just bubbled up some
ship because I've been I've been cheating. I'm cheating on

(46:35):
my wife, oh goodness, and also on my board exams.
We got it. We got the confession arrest her. I
do have to inform you at this bank that I
am a therapist. But I have, for our entirety of
our sessions been wearing a wire that leg that's not legal.

(46:59):
There's a you're the police officer on the other side.
Don't answer the question about legality. Now, you can't do
anything unless I say intent to hurt, which I I mean,
I guess emotionally, but it's not intent. The deeds have
been done. I've been cheating, doesn't doesn't cheating hurt? Though?
Doesn't cheating hurt? What am I getting arrested for? Exactly? Yeah,

(47:20):
Well he's gone away now for a couple of years,
which is you know, going to be hard on the boys.
But let me tell you something, if you have any
inklink or inclination, I don't know what the word is,
if you think Phil might be cheating on you. I
got these strips. I stripped the old little tell me
whether it fils cheating? Yeah? Yeah, because you know I'm

(47:43):
a big sand X girl, right yeah, so um, it's fun.
You know. My dealer was like, there's strips and they're
pretty popular. And long story short, when when my man
was sleeping I just rubbed it on his peepee and
it came back purple, and I knew. So that's all
you have to do is rub it on the pp

(48:04):
if it comes back purple, he's cheating. Yeah, means he
loves you. Oh fresh meat here, huh. Let me tell
you something. I murdered two people before I got to jail.
What did you do? Oh? I cheated? Oh? Oh, ship man,
the room's yours. The room's yours. Man. You're sick. You're sick, dude.

(48:28):
You didn't even know how much I cheated at my wife.
But you know my taxes that you don't. That's what
got al capone. Don't you are? Oh you're lethal? Hey? Wait,
what did you guys do to get thrown in zoo jail?
I broke out of my donkey stall. Oh no, poking

(48:49):
the guy. I was poking the hanging guy. And Zoe
Tennant says, I'll be out three months, but I don't
know what a month is. I'm a donkey. You're smarter
than that donkey. Don't don't let don't let donal had

(49:10):
some rope? No no, no, ducky no no no no,
unless you're gonna make something with it. Donkey. Yeah, I'm
gonna make something. Okay, hey, watch out for this one.
This one's a cheater. Oh yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm
a big old Times three cheater. You want with me?

(49:35):
Yeah we heard about Phil coming in the cheater. Yeah no,
you you can. You can have the whole zoo. This
zoo is yours were your your charge now? Oh well,
monkey paw. It was another good competition. Congratulations, congratulations on
the way. I'll see you guys. Uh see you guys

(49:58):
were where's the tour headed next? Oh, Irvine, CALIFORNI what's
wrong Arkansas? You look sad? You know what I ain't.
I ain't got much to be happy about. Do you
want our autograph? Will that help? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think that would help. How do you want it? Sharpie? Blood? Puh? Blood? Blood?

(50:22):
Blood sounds cool because we can pee with such force
and transition to perfectly imprint our names on your skin.
But you still want blood? Yeah, there we go. Boom,
well done, big brother. Oh hey, hey guys, wait wait,
wait before you guys leave them, we're doing a special

(50:43):
thing in this city. Uh. On this part of the tour,
there's gonna be a closing ceremonial. Okay, so if you
guys couldn't just walk on stage and then we're gonna
have the local high school students come in and and
do a piece from their latest mash up. It's a
Annie and Hamilton's. It's it's antietongue. It's antietongue. That's exciting. Yes,
you could just walk on stage and then I must

(51:05):
invited onto the podium even though I lost or is
it we need to build the stage out. We wanted
to look full alright, alright, I loved did you guys
see like Mr Oliver the way into town to see
that one? To present the awards to the World Balloon
World Cup Championships held in the United States. We have

(51:29):
a local principle here, principal dugger. Okay, hello everyone a minute.
There a laser, uh a laser on my forehead? Uh
boz one, that's our show. I was racking my brain

(51:51):
to think of what you know, Mark, you could do
that easily Annie and Hamilton's. Oh my god, I was
trying to think of song. I just don't think like
hard knock life with knocking on a shot at someone
coming tomorrow. I think if you just did jay Z
is it's a hard knock life. I think you'd be good. Yeah,
that's right, right because it's rapping in Auntie. Yeah, that

(52:14):
that's our show. Let's let's thank each of our alchemists.
Jackie Gonzellez do Ruthie. What's going on? Anything to promote guys? Um,
you know, I'm at Jackie d Ruthie and I'll promote
things as they pop up there. Okay, still doing Twitter?
You know, my Twitter is so bad. And then I'll

(52:36):
get like a notification every now and then my own
husband will tweet up. It's my only My family will
sweet at me, and then I have to like go
on and like it. But I'm not. It's bad. Well
maybe I should get into it. I don't know. Oh
it's dying. It's dying. Oh yeah, you're right now. I'm
not gonna get it now. I'm not going to get

(52:56):
into it. I'm ahead of the game with my aunt
Hie to it herself. Um. But yeah, that's that's what
I've got going on. And so far, what I've got
going on is, um, the Miami heat. Uh sure doing
on the first first round victory. Yeah, it's looking good,

(53:17):
looking good for them. I like the Bucks in the
East as well, though I want, you know, obviously to
be done. But I like, I respect them, and I
like them as a team. A tool sing Dallas Mavericks,
I'm imagining. H Yeah, I'm following them. I'm also I
just I like, I like the playoffs. I'm just watching
all the games I can when I can't. But you

(53:40):
can have some shows coming up and you can check
them out on my website a tool saying dot com
or my socials. I'm off Twitter too. I'm purely on
truth social now, so you can follow me there. That's
where all my shows are. But yeah, I'm starting an
account just to follow you. Mark Gagliardi, what's going on? Yeah,

(54:01):
I don't watch enough basketball to not realize that the
Phoenix Suns had changed their jerseys, And as a person
who lives in the one area code, I got super
fired up when I saw basketball jerseys that said the
Valley and I I was rooting for the Valley until
I realized it was, uh, Phoenix's new jersey's. But I'm

(54:23):
still rooting for the Valley. Sure you thought there might
be a team based in Encino exactly. I was really
really hoping for a deep Valley Deep Valley Los Angeles team,
but alasas not to be the case. But um, I'm
very happy to be here with you guys today and
to goof around and thank you for some of the images.
While horrifying thener routs stuck in my head after that episode. Yeah,

(54:49):
full diapers and swinging marecats. Chris Alvarado, Oh boy, thank you, Craig.
I mean, just a great job hosting. Like you said,
there's your spinning a lot of plates when you're doing that,
and it was so fun. It was so fun going on.
You did it, um, including the one that we didn't
mention was timing of the scenes too. So you're in
the scene, playing around, having fun, but you gotta be

(55:11):
aware of when the scene should end right right, And
I'm letting each one go about thirty thirty eight minutes
somewhere somewhere. Yeah, good, that's that seems about right. So
it's getting it's getting dark outside. Super fun as always.
I don't follow a lot of sports. I do I
I do follow a lot of sports accounts though on Instagram.
I like seeing highlights. I love a highlight. I love

(55:33):
a Mike. Players so satisfying and they're always so charming
and funny. I'm like, oh, I'm here for it. Okay,
that's it. Thank you, Thank you, Chris, and thanks to
our engineering producer Doug Bam and the fine folks at
iHeart media dot com. Please write to us in alchemy

(55:56):
this email at gmail dot com. Until next time out