November 2, 2021 • 54 mins
Prison warden replaces stairs with slides...
Bomb threat at the skeptics convention...
McDonalds fries turn sentient...
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Guys Designer guest
still for Kpe who is traversing the world. Let's meet everybody, shally.
First up, it's James Heinie. Hey, what was your favorite
book when you're a kid. I really liked The Hubbit
it was so good, and then I would try over
(00:22):
and over to read Lord of the Rings, but I
could never get through the Fellowship of the Ring to
high school. Kind of some reason, subconsciously, I knew that
was gonna be your book. It's very on brand for you.
Love it. Next up, Jackie Gonzalez de Ruthie. Jackie, what's
the one food or drink you can't live without other
than water? Obviously? That's that's a rice, rice, just a
(00:49):
general rice. I need it. I have it almost every
day in different iterations. That's fair. That's a good competent answer.
What else to say? Uh? Next up, you know him,
he was just hitting the waves. Chris Alvarado is here. Chris,
what's a pet peeve that you have? Mm hm? You
(01:14):
know I, oh, come on, I hate indecisiveness. I'm afraid
of the times I pranked you because I know you
hate that. You know I don't like pranks, dude, I
don't like pranks. That's a pet peeve of mine. I
was talking to somebody today about that too. I said,
you know, your pranks or you're good at pranking because
(01:36):
you're funny, but also because you're kind of mean. I
don't think that about you, James. I think there could
be uh, we'll go with that. Don't prank me, that's me.
Franks are bad, thank you. I'm on board with that.
I mean, good prank would be like a surprise birthday party. Yeah,
prank or like whoop be cushion type stuff. I'm fine with.
But it's like, you know, like James be like open
(01:59):
this now, oh ship and open the email and it's
like a funny picture. I'm like, oh god. It was like,
we need to talk. I think I set you a
message like we need to talk. Nobody wants to get
that message. Nobody wants so you guys here, we have
open permission to do whoopee question stuff to Chris. It's
hard on it's hard to do that, not impossible. Go
(02:23):
to this address. Sit down here. We need to sit
down here now, freaking ology all right. Next up, it's
Craig Katkoski, Craig, You've done a good amount of TV work.
What's the best set you've ever been on? Almost the
most joyful? Oh man, so many to choose. Um, I'll
(02:44):
tell you what. Like when we we wrapped season five
of Drunk History a couple of years ago, and like
that show, like over its course, like gradually got a
little more budgets and you know, got kind of nicer
and nicer, and like I was really kind of proud
of like where we just gotten to. You know, I
was like, Wow, We've got like a crew of like
a hundred people. Like this feels like really professional, like
(03:06):
to see that show evolved. And then right after I
wrapped that, I was brought back on VP and like
and I was on an HBO set and I'm like,
oh god, we're fucking amateur just craft services where you
can tell the difference of like what the food available
is and like, uh, when when you're on like a
(03:27):
show like VP, you're like, oh that this is real money.
This is not Comedy Central money. So it was a
lobster buffet or what were we talking about? Lobster buffet?
Lobster for breast. So when you ask what's the best set.
My mind immediately goes to food. Last, but not least,
(03:49):
it's Joey Graare Joey, we all hear that you're close
to launching your app. What does it do? Well? I've
had to actually go back to the drawing board because
apparently a mail service already exists. I did not know that,
but what kin, Yeah, okay, exactly, yeah, yeah yeah. So
(04:12):
Google apparently has like this hard line role that I'm
not allowed to use Gmail. I can't say Gmail, even
though it's greer mail. That's the whole thing, but like
I can't use it. I have to go back and
have to figure someone else out, so I can't do
the mail service anymore. So I'm thinking of of like
creating an app that allows users to find different locations
of eggs. So like if there's an egg outside, or
(04:34):
if you see an egg in the story, you're able
to drop a pin and people can like go go
to that place. And I gotta work on a timer
because I imagine that that egg would like, you know,
go away, So I gotta figure that out. But it's
just like an egg locational follow up? Are these um
shelled eggs or open uncooked raw? Uh? These are all
of the above, the uncooked draw egg that that kind
(04:55):
of filter. So this is like I'm pivoting, but I
want to say, in the you know, in the eight world,
you can have this. Just call it the exact locator,
you know. Can I use it? Or do I gotta
pay you? Now? I literally just said you could have it? Literally,
(05:15):
all right, let's do a DAP show, shall we. All
of our scenes suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or
from our Patreon v I P. S. To become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and
other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
new email address. Welcome you. This email at gmail dot com.
(05:37):
That's okay dot com. Scene one is from Patreon v
I P. Craig Nichols, who wrote, Hello friends, thanks for
all the amazing content. Scene suggestion prison Warden tries to
brighten the mood by replacing all the stairs with slides.
Don't ever change the way you are, Craig. We have
(06:01):
to do something different, something difference, sir, sir, Please don't
It's just that when you say different, it ends up
being a lot of work for us, and often the
plans don't excuse me, these are sharp. I gotta put
these down, coming through points coming through. Look, that's already happening.
You understand. We're taking the stairs out. We're gonna put
in slide. I think it's gonna boost morale and also
(06:24):
a little fun for us, don't you think. I mean, yeah,
that does sound kind of fun. And how quickly can
you get down if there's a riot? And so how
do we get back up? Just go up the slide? Chocolate?
Is there chocolate around? Chocolate? Yeah? I got dark chocolate, Oh,
white chocolate, milk, chocolate, anything you need? Caramel? It's not chocolate.
(06:50):
I don't have it. Do you have chocolate filled with caramel? Oh? Yeah,
this one might have. One of these has it for sure?
I don't know which one. They're all felt a different things.
Let me just say something, what is this a cherry?
Hey murder? Mike? How's your how's your day going in
(07:10):
the cell? Yeah? Okay, that's fair. Listen, um. Look, for
all intents and purposes, you've been a pretty good, you know, prisoner,
and I feel like you and I have built a relationship.
I know I do most of the talking. Um, I
want to give your heads up. Maybe you could tell
(07:31):
some of the guys on the yard that they're gonna
be some changes, some structural changes, Um, around the facility.
Oh no, am I not the chocolate teer anymore. I
really like that job so much better than making license plates.
Yeah no, you're still You're still the chocolate tear blah
blah blah. How does this affect murder Mike, Um, well
(07:57):
being as you have such that have that respect most
of the prisoners here on the yard. I thought maybe
I could give you a test run of some of
the new additions, and if you could spread a positive
word that would really help. Because the warden is all
the wardens on one again. Okay, walk me through it. Actually,
(08:20):
I will literally walk you through it. Um, open gate
to four it Murder Mike. I'm having a hard I'm
going to sleep. Tell me a story. Okay, new fish, Michael.
Let's see. Well, it was a long time ago when
I was just Mike. Ah, good night. Look you know,
(08:50):
I'm I'm a contractor. I I I do what I do,
you know, and and I do specialize in converting stairs
into slides. Uh but uh, you know everything here is
pretty level. You know, it's a prison. There's not a
lot of not a lot of staircases. This isn't lift
the prison. Let's just go from the bottom lifted. Okay.
(09:13):
So you want to raise the entire building, you raise
me up so I can slide down a slide. You
get it. We can do it together. It'll be fine. Okay.
But if you raise the entire building, then you're gonna
have staircases that lead up to the prison, which means
you're gonna have slides coming out of the prison. I
(09:35):
was thinking maybe instead of raising the prison, we just
make floors down below. Okay, I really want to raise
the prison. I really want to. It's just a lot
of work, right, Rod, I mean it's more realistic to
dig down. Okay, So you want to lower the prison,
I mean, I sorry, I know, I'm he's my boss.
(09:57):
So if this doesn't sound right, but I'm thinking, we
just make uh floor underneath it. We don't have to
lower the prison. This will just be the top floor.
Then warded, hold on, hold hold one second, hold on
one second, and the final piece, Oh my god, it's Paris.
I look at this. It's great. It's great. If you like,
(10:21):
we're there. We didn't take a moment with me. Take
a moment with me, all. I don't want to hold
your hand if I don't cover ball there. That's okay, okay, okay,
it's just chocolate. Just melt the chocolate. Okay. Um um.
I'm actually bringing more good news warden. If you kind
of turn on this, monu, my god, let me guess.
(10:43):
Let me guess. Is it um? Is it? Ah? Don't
tell me? Is it um? Do you hear this? Those sounds,
those are weeze coming from the prisoners. Listen here one prisoner,
m it's another. Open your eyes. But you know, I
(11:07):
know no, Look at the monitor. They're using your slide.
Oh my god, they built their own slides. We didn't
even have the contract build their own slides. Oh my gosh,
Oh my gosh, my gosh. This is amazing. What the
bad news means. If they built their own slide, that
means they have intel from the inside, you know what
I mean, someone's someone's telling the prisoners your plans, and
(11:28):
I don't that's not good. I don't know if I
don't know, if that's good. I don't know if that's
good anyway. Well, I mean or bones, You're hello, goodbye
to murder Mike, she said, And I never went back
to Paris again. Oh, I told the story through the night.
Looks like you're waking up now. Ah yeah, great, I
(11:53):
slept like a rock. I haven't slept that good since
my last roommate died. Yeah, you out it off when
I immediately started telling the story. But I I felt
like I had to go through the whole thing. And
it is about seven hours long, and it was almost
like a white noise machine for me, just keeping me
there in a perfect state of ram. Well maybe I'll
(12:16):
look into that when I get out of this place,
because I'm getting out next Thursday at four. Me and
the guys have figured out how to put slides together
to get on out of this place. I like to come.
I would really love to come. And just know that
when I come, I can either be with you or
(12:38):
I can even go my own separate weight. But if
you needed help, I'm actually very good at that. I'm
very handy. Contractor, Contractor Connor, I need your attention. Please
in my person. You will have the title and name
given to you. Do you understand now I've got some
information that is really tickling my ass. It seems like
(13:00):
some of the prisoners have built a slide. How would
they have done that? Contractor Connor? Like, I don't know
how the how they got the equipment Warden, but it
looks like they're using utensils and plates and different platters
from the cafeteria. How do you think they got that?
Contractor Conor? What? What were you saying, Tony? Well, I
(13:20):
don't want to get us in trouble, but I had
brought all the tools to the yards that we could
out of the van, so we didn't have to take
one tool at a time. It could be my fault. Yeah, Tony,
I told you one tool at a time. This is
a prison. Yeah, it's just that I figured one one
tool the type inside. I just put a pile of
(13:40):
tools and all of the slide material in. They're telling
me the materials you brought in were utensils from the
cafeteria as well as trays and plates. Well, they could
use some utensils from the cafeteria, because that's exactly that
is exactly what the slide is being made up. Do
you understand that those are my materials. We're supposed to
have a pizza party. Now we can't because all the
race plates and utensils are gone a contractor. I'd like you,
(14:04):
you're gonna go to my party? Okay, and now I
don't know, so what's going on? I really don't have
time to go to your party, Warden. Sorry, Hey, murder Mike, murderer, Mike.
So Thursday is the big day, huh it is. I'm
gonna miss you, guys. I'm gonna miss you too. You
(14:25):
always treated us real good. I'm very afraid of you.
I'm very afraid of you. What's gonna be your first
stop on the outside? Oh wow? You know, all these
years I and even thought what I would do when
I got out. But I'll be able to adjust to
be an outside of this place. You know, I've I
(14:46):
wanted to go to this be wanting to go back
to Paris. It's the last place that I was happy. Yeah, okay,
that's a beautiful sentiment. It just seems like that might
be a difficult thing for you to do. That's like
getting a passport and getting like playing fair and like
getting a place. Even Airbnb is outside of Paris is
(15:06):
like really expensive. You know, I was thinking maybe you
might want to hold up in the barn. The barn
really feels like I'm settling. Well, I mean, I don't
know what you want to want me to do. I
can't give you more supplies. Man, you took them off.
That's just how it is. Look, my my idiot cousin,
(15:27):
uh left a whole bunch of tools in the prison
yard and uh yeah, and now the prisoners building slides
and also killing each other with the tools. Look. I
already did you a favor, alright by giving you the
stuff I had already. I can't give you anymore. Run.
I'm sorry. I just like this is this is the
biggest contract I've had in years. We're we're both raising
(15:48):
the prison and lowering it. I would you do that?
I don't know. They're the guys crazy. Oh then you
look hard. But have you slept recently or I've not slept.
I I got it apart it at the prison. Wait
a minute, I think I'm living in a prison cell. God. Well, yeah,
I'm talking to you. This glass partitioning? Are you? I mean,
do you need anything? You want your toothpaste? Look, I
(16:11):
do need a guy who can get me things. Okay,
I don't know. I mean I already think you that favor.
I don't know. Look if if if you didn't get
me a porno maggot, I really appreciate it. That hard
to come by around here. All right, I go, I
gotta go, all right, hey, chocolate your Michael, Yeah, I gotta.
(16:35):
I gotta check the spread we have today for the wardens.
So if you can just tell me what's on the menu. Okay, great? Um,
I made scrambled eggs but out of chocolate, along with
a hot cup of Joe made of chocolate, and um
and long uh what looks like bacon, but of course
is actually chocolate. There's all different varieties of chocolate. Sure, listen,
(17:00):
I want to tell you. I don't know if the
warden has expressed his gradit here, but you were doing
a great job. Thank you, Thank you so much. It
would be a shame if you left anytime soon. You
know what I mean? Well, you know the whabilitating this
warden wants you to stick around. On what I'm saying.
I just feel here, hold onto this saw, but just
(17:23):
hold the saw for one second. Okay, now you've got
us all Yeah, thanks man? Okay, right, right, I'll be
bringing you in this afternoon for the chocolate spread again.
That's scrambled eggs. That are chocolate, that's um. And am
I getting paid in sharp tools now? Because that is
(17:43):
so much better than time in the yard. The warden
wants you around. Alright, boys, will one slide away from
the outside chocolate? Here? Drop that saw. We don't need that.
We have these things all made up for us to
take the slides out of murder Mike, Oh no, murder Mike.
(18:05):
Can I just get your ear for a second, please? Okay,
go ahead. Are you awake? Yes, I'm awake. Are you
sure you're awake. I'm just not talking to a sleepy
boy who's just talking to me because there's a sleep No,
I'm awake. Board. Oh good. I don't know what to do, honestly,
I don't know who to talk to her or where
(18:25):
to go. I'm just so so lost. Should I leave? Well?
That reminds me of a story. It's back when I
was just Michael. Alright, boys, Warden's out, let's go. Let's go.
Morning Warden, Good morning, good morning. I brought your satin slippers,
(18:48):
thank you. You know what today I want to walk
the grounds I'm feeling so good. Okay, what if you
got the barn? Okay, the board and I want to
bring contractor Connor. I think he's one. Okay, he's in
he's in cell Block D. As you know, the water
tank well keeps committing more and more crimes. Well in here,
(19:09):
and it's weird, but we gotta keep him now. But
I can go. He's in the water tank. Off. Um,
all prisoners have been accounted for. It's going to be
a lovely day at the prison. Oh good, good. I
can't deal with any kind of stress today. No, of course, not.
Let me go grab contract Excuse me. I have an appointment. Well,
(19:31):
and it's not really an appointment with the warden, but
I'd like to talk with the warden. Now, listen, warden,
how did you get here? Well? I walked, I had
I had my I had my carriage, and then I
walked from there. Let me tell you my boys. My
boys are in my carriage, and we're ready to raise
this jail. And we don't usually raise jails, but we're
ready to raise this jail for you. But here I
(19:54):
am hearing things that you don't even need me anymore.
I've got Jebediah, Josiah, Abigail. We're all already. I've told
you several times the Amish community is welcome to raise
this prison, and that's our first. You introduced the Amish.
You gotta move One two is from listener Chris, who wrote,
(20:20):
howdy Alchemists. Before I go onto my suggestion, I just
wanted to give a sincere thanks for your bi weekly
gifts of comedy. I've been an avid listener for years
now and just recently became a VACK member simply because
you guys never failed to put a smile on my pace.
As per tradition, my tedious job involves animal research on
concussions and treatments for Alzheimer's. Despite the depressing, albeit necessary
(20:43):
nature of animal research, your show has kept me my
sanity afloat and inspired me to pursue a more creative
endeavor in user experience design. Keep up their great work. Anyway,
back to my scene suggestion, bomb threat at the Skeptics convention.
Thanks for the laughs. Us Nelson from Richmond H. James
(21:03):
another prank call. Let's say there's a bomb in here?
Should we report that? Or No? They're just trying to
ruffle our feathers. They don't like skeptics. They don't like
our conference. You know what, if you're not skeptical about
what's going on around you, then you're not paying attention.
I don't know, I'm kind of I don't know if
(21:24):
you're telling the truth. Just put the just put the
tinsel up on the ARCT. What do you mean you
don't think I'm telling the truth? I don't know, man,
Are you sure this is the is the right tinsel?
Hold on a second. Are you saying you don't think
I got the phone call? Or are you saying you
don't think I should disregard the phone call? Brian? What
(21:47):
I think is that you got the phone call. But
what I also think is that maybe there wasn't a
bomb threat. Really you don't think I heard what I said?
I heard? No, No, I don't start Star sixty nine Okay, fine, okay,
finn okay, what is the star? Is the star? The
(22:09):
at the little thing that looks like a like a
firework exploding? Okay? Well the nine? Is that what you're
talking about? Star six nine? Hold on six okay? Okay?
Is it ringing? I'm not telling you it's ringing? Hello
macavoy at one to four more Park Street. How can
(22:30):
I help you? Is this a message? Did I get?
Are you there? Are you there? Or is this a message? No?
This is Peter. How can I help you? Are you sure?
Are you talking to a machine? How can I help you? Okay,
I'm talking to a machine right now. Anything. I'm talking
to Peter McAvoy. Sure you are? Yeah, I am. Oh.
(22:52):
Let me guess this is the macavoy that does all
the anti virus stuff on computers. Huh, that's the different name.
That's mccaffee. I think, yeah, sure it is, sure it is.
So let me get this shrew. You called in? You
called in about a little a bomb threat. It's all right,
Yes I did, right, you did. Yeah, I have hidden
(23:17):
two bombs at your conference. You can't see me, but
I'm putting up quotes air quotes around the word conference.
It is a conference? No, not to me, it isn't Peter.
Did I just hear you right on the phone? What
what's up? Did you just answer and give our address?
(23:39):
Is that my towel? I mean it's our towel. I
mean though it's like the household towel just feels like
that one I use more than you do. You're picking
fights with me again, and I just want to let
you know that I heard you, and that of everything
that you said in that calm versation, I am very
(24:01):
upset about you giving away our address. Do you know
how it's like to be a woman in the city,
in the big city. It's terrifying, terrifying. I could never
give away my address because somebody might come and steal
me or worse. Just why do I stay with you? Why?
(24:24):
That was pretty convincing, Tad. But at the same time,
you should take acting classes. I could tell nobody else
was on the phone. He's told that there are two
bombs in the convention. Downs stand two bombs. Okay, we
gotta call off the convention. We just stop it, Stop it, Tad.
I'm telling you what helps me. I'm not score the tincil,
you dumbask We gotta we gotta do something about the bombs. Okay,
(24:47):
We're gonna do something. As soon as I start getting
worked up, then you're gonna tell me to prank. Okay, sorry, interrupt,
Just want to let you know there's a panel on
faked moon landing starting at one pm. Okay, and our
wristband gets us into that as well. Since we're exhibitors,
it does where nobody's really attending the panel right now,
(25:09):
because I think people don't respond well to to authority,
and I guess the schedule for the convention is kind
of indicative of authority. But so we'll start at one
or two or three. Whenever people show up. We'll show
when we want to show up. Okay, we'll show up
what we wash up. And let me just tell you something, buddy.
All right, we're bombs here. My name is Kurt. Oh hey, Kurt,
(25:31):
know that you don't look like a Kurt Well for
this weekend. My name is Kurt. Okay, there are bombs here. Okay,
there are bombs at the convention, all right, they're here.
Peter McAfee, the anti virus guy. He put bombs here. Wait,
(25:52):
Peter McAfee, yes, the anti virus guy. But he put
bombs here. Okay. I I've been hearing these theories about
Peter McAfee for years, uh and a lot of people
think that he's not even in uh the US right
now that he has a start star sixty nine this
(26:14):
phone right now, just please do Kurt Pete walk away
from Ricky Peter. Stop fooling around with this anti virus
stuff and come learn to make bombs with the rest
of your family. All right, Pete, walk away? Okay, okay, okay, sorry,
(26:35):
I just what if we were in put here to do? Good? Pete?
What are you talking about? The mcafees have been anarchists.
I don't like centuries. I don't like this one pit. Listen,
dear mother, this is your side of the family, Sean,
this is your side of the family, right, I'm going
with the maca voice side of the family. No you're not.
(26:58):
You're going with Mike side of the family. Don't ear.
Don't pull my ear in. You you going to pull
your eye out. I'm not gonna do that. You gonna
scoop your eye out with my thumb? Is it so
wrong to want to help pet Look, we can't help
who we are, all right. You got a little bit
of me, and you get a little bit of your mom,
and you too. You are Peter McAfee McAvoy all right.
(27:23):
I don't know why you hyphenated and we didn't, but
that's just the way it is. Okay, because I don't
have two names, and neither do you. He does. Hey, dead, Yes,
I are you handing that detonator. You got it? You
want to go throw it around outside? Peter, We've got
to talk your parents. You said that they were just
(27:46):
coming for the weekend. They've been here for months. I
need my space for what to do. What you constantly
making bad? Okay, alright, just tell me one thing you
want to do alone. I want to not eat rancid
(28:09):
meat that's been left on the counter and pointed out
and then still left on the counter, because you know,
if I see meat, I'm going to eat it. I'm
gonna eat it. I know, babe. Do you think maybe
my parents being here is what's driving a wedge between us?
I think a lot of things at this point are
driving a lot of different wedges. Do you want to
(28:31):
answer that? Yes, let me show you how it's done. Okay, Hello,
Tina Lasagna, Kirk, Kirk Ticke, kurt uh Hi? Who is this?
This Tina Hi? This is Kurd at the Skeptics Convention? Oh? Hi,
(28:54):
how is it? How are you? Okay? I was told
that I was going to talk to Peter McAfee if
I called this number, and you're saying, in fact, you
are Tina Lasagna. I am Tina Lasagna. Um, there is
a Peter who lives here. Um, Peter McAfee the middle
(29:15):
of the Pacific Ocean. Excuse me, what are you trying
to get my address from me? I don't give that, Okay.
I'm a woman in the big city. I don't just
give away my address to random men so that you
could come find me, steal me and chop me up,
knocking knock a Tina surprised you your parents? This is
your badest. Tina Lasagna? Se your badests? Do you do
(29:40):
you have to go? Um? No? Actually, could you stay
on the line with me? I really don't want to
have to deal with these people? Hi, Mom, Hi Dad,
just one moment, I'm on the phone. Very important, Okay.
I think clearly she's hired actors who are doing like
a really broad your next, That's what I thought. I mean,
(30:01):
I didn't hear theirs, but I didn't think there was
even a name such as Tina Lasagna. Are we sure
they're Italian? They might be friends? Huh why would they
be French? Tina Lasagna. I'm just saying you could have
Lasgna anywhere. Kids slide to notice the shadows on the
(30:22):
rocket slide three? Oh, excuse me? Can you explain why
the shadows in the rocket really proved that those pictures
are fake? Let me move on to slide three and
you'll see if I zoom in here. Isn't it kind
(30:44):
of nuts that this guy's using slides like there's a
projector right there. It's like, I think he's showing us
the original film, But I feel like that the original
films can always be doctored. You can't. You can't manipulate
anything online as a fact. Do you think since it's
just us to watch you, we could probably go up
there and see it for ourselves? You think he'd mind?
(31:07):
What do you mean to see it for ourselves? Ask
good when you come up there? And what do you
mean to see it for ourself? Like? Get up there
and look at the slides before they're projected. Oh my god,
you're saying that he's manipulating at somehow. I don't know
that he's not. I don't know that he's not. God,
it's crazy. Yes, of course, excuse me slides? Yes? Uh?
(31:29):
Is there a way for us to see the slides
have verify that that's actually the image being projected? I
cannot help you there. Huh funny slide seven. Did I
think you're right? I think, hey, you guys as a
bored as I am by this, Yeah, hey, I got
I got the original as a pruder moon Landing film.
(31:52):
What you know, as a pruder shot that Kennedy assassination
he also shut. He also shut the moon land That's
what I always believe that I knew that four years later.
Oh my god, do the math? Do the math? One?
When was the assassination? When was a Kennedy assassination? Yeah,
(32:12):
but they'll tell they'll tell you it was Ninette. But
in fact that he was not assassinate until nineteen sixty five,
not successfully. God, And so wait four years after sixty five?
Was a moon landing sixty nine sixty nine? But but
reverse those numbers and what else happened in ninety six? Stock? No, well,
(32:38):
yeah that was there was a wood Stock, right, there
was a wood Stock ninety six that between the wood
stuck ninety four and ninety nine, it was successful. It
was a good wood stock. Don't talk about talking about
They don't talk about that one. Talking about the Prouder film. Yeah,
which one, don't get me started. I had seven? You
(32:58):
got seven? It is you guys want to bull this place.
There's a there's another speaker down the road. He's talking
about the new Matrix movie. That wasn't a Bob No,
not Lasagna, just how it's just how it sounds. L
A z O n y A. Tina Lasagna, Tina Lasagna. Okay,
(33:24):
just checking the records here, and I'm not going to
give that on air. I'm just here to give you
an interview. I understand this is before you go on air.
I just need to have your information, so before you're
able to go on air. I see the red light
on that camera, and I know that you're recording for
that station that's recording the actual news that's going on
(33:47):
right now. Are you trying to Are you trying to
get a scavenger hunt from my dismembered body going, I mean,
what do you think is going to exactly happen? Once
I give everyone my address? You're just giving me. This
is confidential information. I need to be able to send
you your your tax information. That that's why we're paying
you for this. You're paying I'm so sorry. I thought
(34:09):
that this was I thought I was getting interviewed for
the local news about what I know about the bomb
as I was dating the bomber. But yes, we were
paying you for that. We pay everyone that gets on
the local news. Hey, pet, I can hear the sirens come,
and let's just throw this detonator around while we still
can son. Thanks pops. Hey, good news is the the prison.
(34:36):
It's got new slides, so I could be fun. Yeah,
I'll come visit you. Well, I will slide down together,
so I don't know if that'll be possible. But thanks.
You got a kid, and that's our seconds alright. Three
(34:59):
is from listen or. Andrew Laramie wrote, Hello, Kevin. I've
been listening since the beginning, and it's always a joy
to hear all of you get no wacky situations. The
chemistry you all have is helpable and it really set
your podcasts apart from the rest. My suggestion is as follows.
McDonald's gets a bad batch of frying oil and it
starts turning the fries into hungry a sentient beings. I
(35:21):
hope you're all keeping safe and healthy. Andrew Laramie from Montreal,
what do you want me to put this? Put a
right in the tank, idiot, Just open it up and
put it in the tank. It doesn't look like the
other one. The oil you know why, I don't know
why they made us pay you a minimum? Way, you're dough.
(35:44):
Just pour it into fryer, jesus, I'm just dropping it off,
my god, put it in the front. Don't just drop
it off. Put it in the fryer. Did you hear
the glug? Glug? I was doing it? What is wrong
with you? Manute? I'm just gonna manatur. Okay, I'm like,
pretty big deal here. I can fucking fire you. I
don't work for you. Do you understand that I'm an
(36:06):
independent concert bring this? Did she not bring the oil
in today? Yes? Who do you think you did it for?
For the franchise? The owner, not the manager of this McDonald's. Yeah, well,
my dad's the franchise e owner. And when my dad died,
I'm gonna be fucking imposs to this place. So if
you're not fired now, just wait till my dad passes
(36:29):
and you're fucking out of here. You know what, man,
I I really will hope your dad has a long life,
and I hope you know, I hope you have a
real shitty day. Will work all right? Once some water here? No,
I just you know, what that was pretty hurtful. I
hope I have a shitty day at work. I'm trying
to please a bunch of people with hap meals over here.
(36:53):
I'm out of here, man, I'm gonna go. I don't
give a ship. Alright, I dropped off the oil. Thank
you for putting it. Take you're putting it in? Yeah? Whatever, man, whatever,
thank you, thank you. You're done. You're done here. Well, well,
well look who's back from his run? Took you long
enough out there? I mean, how many places did you
have to stop today? Huh? Just one place? Just that,
Psycho McDonald's all right, jesus, Well listen, we need you
(37:16):
back here in a time timely manner. Yeah, I'm dispatch here,
I know, so when I call you, it's like you
know your dad runs his dispatch. Okay, yeah, one day
I will yeah, one day you will be right now,
here's my boss. All right, all right, I need you
to take the special Scary oil now to the big
(37:40):
industrial complex. Okay, okay, all right, she'd be right over.
Is that the official name for it? Is that? Like
the actual name they gave it, special scary, special scary Oil?
What did I say? You said special scary. It's just crazy.
But that that's like what they would right. Is it
just me or is that oil a little bit less
(38:03):
uh or more opaque than it usually is? I believe
it means that you can It's like it's got like
a flatness to it. I can't see very deep inside
of it. Usually you can see the price that are
down below because translucent. Instead it's the oil they gave us.
(38:25):
So yeah, I know I saw it. Hello Brian, Hello
with anybody here at Hello, going, Bryan, get the going
very sad. My child needs a happy meal. There's I'll
handle us. I'll handle us. Hey, I welcome to McDonald's. Um.
Before you ask, the only happy Meal toy we have
(38:47):
left in the space Jam collection is Bab's Bunny. God
damn it, you have seven, but that's all they allocated
to us. We've got so many Bab's Bunnies and that
is what is in the happy Meal currently. Well, let
me just say we we ate here a couple of
weeks ago, and I want to make a return on
the fries. The fries just want to make a return
on the fries, like a full refund, and I want
a new fry. Now do you have a received No,
(39:10):
I don't. Is that a problem or do you want
me to sue you? Um? This is just weird for me.
I usually I guess we can give you fry credit.
Look at my child, Look at my child. I'm so sad. Hey,
um jerry um am. I the only one hearing like
hundreds of tiny cries coming from this friar. I think
(39:32):
that's just the sound of its sizzling. It's probably because
they're so frosty. When they go down, it's just the
whistle of the ice. It sounds like hundreds of souls
crying out. Negaty. I've never heard crying out negaty. Up.
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out right? Okay, okay,
(40:00):
all these fries have have little faces all over the place.
I need to fry. I need a fry's dad. I
got a very unhappy mother and child out there. We're
trying to catch the fries. They're running around like one
like whole and based on the data that we have
(40:26):
right now, gentlemen, we're gonna be able to use this
oil to create any kind of sentience in any non
organic life form. He sounds so rich, right, he just
sounds rich. I can hear you, Brian, what's up? I
can hear it. I was just I am rich? You
sound rich? I am like, how does that happen? Plain?
(40:48):
Let me just clarify. Are we going to put super
scary on the label or is that just more of
an in house nickname for sounds rich too? I feel
as though it simplifies the product, just super scary. Yes,
originally it was compound fourteen nine, but we just kind
of none descripted exactly what kind of compound is that?
(41:08):
But super scary oil seemed to be right to the point, gentlemen,
where will be our first market for super scary oil?
Where should we deploy it? Doesn't sound that's a great question.
And if you look at the slides, just exactly where
let me just go to slide one least wealthy, that's
super rich, but well, slide to where is this? Why
is it not going? Hold on? I don't know what
(41:28):
order there? You sound like the help you? It was
like a hundred slides in here. I'm not sure which
one had the I'm supposed to help with this. I'm sorry. Here,
would you like me to let's see here? This is
the folder you need? Okay, it should be working now,
so I don't. I don't need your laptop. I'm working
on the slides here. Okay, So well, I've got all
(41:50):
the slides converted into JPEGs and pdpps into this laptop.
Do you think I want a jpeg? I paid good
money for this vintage slide, said, and we're going to
use it. Oh pake oh p a m m. I'm done.
(42:15):
I'm not done. Okay, can I get the language of origin?
Are you kidding? Can she get the language of origin?
Language of origin? As you suck? Yeah, that's not very nice.
She's a child. That really makes me so sad. You
suck s u q u E right, she's a kid. Guys,
(42:39):
she's not a good speller. I think that was a clue,
because there's no way that fifty year old man doesn't
know how to spell suck. I'm ready to go. Oh
p a q you Okay, you've passed the tests. You've
passed the asked my child. This is yes, the Wizards
(43:04):
of Spelling. Sorry, sorry we had to be so harsh
that this is incredible. I always thought that I was
doomed to have a boring life here in Salem's so
boring and be sad all the time. You know you
(43:25):
are the chosen one. Did you see those French fresh
better her? I thought they were straight worms. Gentlemen, this
is a wizard in ceremony. Please please show respect ward
like a wizard. Are you two not wizards? We were supposed? Yes?
How why how did you get in here? Who speak? Now?
(43:48):
But we will turn you into I am a wizard
from four and he is a Is that what you think?
Wizards sound like? I'm a wizard from near m what
hero wizards? All we do is read that this isn't
(44:08):
What order do you come from? Huh? Order of antelope?
Oh god, Jerry's dead and nobody please fry guys, just
let me go. Stop trying me to the ground. And
this the soft ser machine is broken again. I don't
(44:28):
think it has anything to do with the sentries. Maybe
we can strike up a deal. Maybe what do you want?
And keep in mind that we're McDonald's employees. There's not
allowed we can bring to the table here. Gave a car,
I have an electric bike? M I get dropped off
(44:49):
by my mom? What else? What else? I think one
thing we could say? We want to stop in cook
to live? Can't we at least have that the table.
No more burning us alive, no more French fries. Okay, um,
you guys have to tell that to the lady out there. Though.
(45:12):
If you're not French fries, then you're just raw potatoes.
And I mean that's kind of It's weird, right because
you won't become sentient until you're putting the oil. But
if you're putting the oil, then you become fries. So
you are fries and you're saying no fries. Okay, Well,
feel like an existential crisis. We've always been sentient, we've
(45:34):
just been given the chance to talk about it. Now.
You've been burning her potato people for years, so you
want to stay raw, raw, raw. In fact, I'd rather
not even be cut up. I'd rather stay potato. I'd
(45:55):
rather be left in the soil. But you were cut up,
so yeah, you look, the data is clear, Okay, the
data is clear of how the oil works. I don't
think this needs an explanation, all right. The slides will
tell you if I can figure it out. Damn it.
Where where you're talking visual slides or like we we slides? Yes, yes,
(46:21):
we we we slides yes yes yes, Now look we
still need funding, all right, So we're still gonna have
to go out there and knock on doors and ask
our neighbors, friends and family for as much money as
I possibly give us. Okay, so why don't we start
that now, everyone in the boardroom and pass on a
little hat. Then the hat has been dipped in oil.
(46:41):
So it is this is a tiny hat. A little happen,
it doesn't matter. Credit cards are fine in there. If
you stack them up, it won't be that you know. Also,
if you hold the bills, there's ways to get it.
It's it's the size. That's a really small hat. Mom.
I don't know what to tell you. There are no
fries today, that's what. There are fries to Star Friday. Now,
(47:02):
why don't you use a little wizard power of yours
turn everyone into a little umbrella. I'm not allowed to
use it in public until I turn fifteen. Oh, don't
worry about that. You're fine. Just hi, no, hollo you right? Okay.
(47:30):
Oh it's sad. This makes this is not a happy
meal at all. My daughter is sad again. My daughter
is sad. I need to talk to somebody now now,
is there no one gonna help you? Mike's first day
on the job. Hello, murder Mike, beautiful name, Thank you.
(47:54):
I just want to say I want to make a complaint. Okay,
are you ready? You gonna run it down? Nope, make
it okay's just gonna memorize it. Well, I want to
complain about you too. Number one, there were no friends.
We didn't eat. The fries were running around, disgusting. Some
of them were on the floor. And secondly, now we
get individual who's murder Mike come in here and tell
us that he's not going to write down I my
(48:16):
hour complaint. Very upset, very I want to refund. You
want to refund? Okay, I can process that. Let me
just refund you with my Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god. I have the power to heal you.
But I shouldn't do it in public until in fifteen.
(48:38):
Oh god, what do I do? Dispatch coming through? I
guess whose dad dined? I'm now the boss there. So
a couple of things are gonna change. One, you're not
gonna call me big Babo big babo. That's official. And uh,
(49:00):
second of all, no, we're gonna start there big Babo,
big Babo out ah. Feeling pretty good? All right? You
some inventory now, cooking oil, cooking oil, special scary oils
special Wait, cooking oil, cooking oil, special scary oils. What
(49:25):
the hell? Oh Dad, I wish you were alive. I
wish you were alive to help me in this moment.
I don't know what to do. Obviously oil has been
the wrong oil has been given to the wrong place,
and surely they're gonna be grave. You're still on. Oh yeah,
(49:45):
we heard all of that. Baba. We're gonna unionize if
we're gonna use this against you. Man, I'm sorry. I
just had to be upfront about it. Man, I just
want you to know. No, all right, all right, m
(50:06):
you're still on. Man. I know that the slide thing
was a big mistake. But one thing I don't know
if we've thought through, is if we put the scary
oil in a container, won't that container then become sentient? Actually,
it's like glue, right, you know how glue doesn't stick
(50:26):
to itself in the bottle. You're starting to sound more wealthy.
I'm sorry. Well, check out my four oh one K.
That is a four, a one and a K. Look
at that. So as I was saying, glue doesn't stick
to the inside of a bottle, does it? It does not.
If you leave it open, it becomes a solid like
(50:48):
trust me, I've got I am full of I don't
trust you. I don't trust you because just got a
big package from an investor something McAfee. Why don't I
go ahead and open that? You can, I'll see what
inside and that's our show. Everybody, let's thank her. How
(51:09):
can we see what they're up to? Chris Savarado. I
just wish that girl would have used her powers, you
know what I mean. She could have helped her mom,
so in my mind she did, but then her mom
came back and started complaining, so then she reversed it,
and then she's still got in trouble with the Wizarding Council.
A lot of stuff happened to my that makes sense. Um,
(51:33):
I'm just hanging out, Cole happen to have happy to
be playing and having a good time with everybody. Noise Greigkowski, Hey,
I was slightly taken it back when that second suggestion
said that we were that we were a bi weekly podcast.
I'm like, we're not every other week. We are a
semi semi weekly podcast twice a week. That sounds so wrong.
(51:57):
Bye week by means too every two weeks is bi
weekly twice a week. You're semi weekly half a week.
I love that. Oh my god, here you go. We've
learned something today A semi truck like twice as long. Boy,
(52:18):
my mind is blown. J C d j oh. Thanks
for having me. I know that I get to be
here quite often that every week I'm wondering if it's
the last. Um, thanks for having me. Check me up,
check me out a game front on YouTube. I believe
you have first bright of refusal in every episode. There
(52:39):
you go, Jackie ganzals do Ruthie. Oh, yes, thank you
for having me. Um. I have a weekly podcast coming.
It is weekly, and then so it comes out the
last week of October, and it's weekly for November, the
most wonderful part of the year, reviewing Christmas movies. But
then it becomes semi weekly in December. We ramp it
(53:01):
up as the season, you know, as the day comes near,
we gotta ramp it up. And then what about February
and it is gone. It is no non weekly. It's
a limited a limited time adventure. Does that make sense?
I'm at Jackie TRUTHI yet on things. Thank you nice
(53:22):
Joey Greer. That's how you say it. Check out Alchemy.
This is Instagram and Alchemy this pod on Reddit. People
are talking about stuff. People are, you know, discovering new
Check it out, check it out nice. I'm at Cole Stratton,
Rat Stratton, Cole on socials. Good to sketch Fest dot
(53:43):
com our twenty anniversary festival. It's coming in January. Lineup
will be announced November night, TA tickets on sale two
days later. Uh. There will be at least two performers
um probably a thousand, but we shall see as things
are starting to come together, so go check that out.
Let's thank our engineering producer Doug Babe and the fine
(54:06):
folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please write to
us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
dot com. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Guys Designer guest
still for Kpe who is traversing the world. Let's meet everybody, shally.
First up, it's James Heinie. Hey, what was your favorite
book when you're a kid. I really liked The Hubbit
it was so good, and then I would try over
(00:22):
and over to read Lord of the Rings, but I
could never get through the Fellowship of the Ring to
high school. Kind of some reason, subconsciously, I knew that
was gonna be your book. It's very on brand for you.
Love it. Next up, Jackie Gonzalez de Ruthie. Jackie, what's
the one food or drink you can't live without other
than water? Obviously? That's that's a rice, rice, just a
(00:49):
general rice. I need it. I have it almost every
day in different iterations. That's fair. That's a good competent answer.
What else to say? Uh? Next up, you know him,
he was just hitting the waves. Chris Alvarado is here. Chris,
what's a pet peeve that you have? Mm hm? You
(01:14):
know I, oh, come on, I hate indecisiveness. I'm afraid
of the times I pranked you because I know you
hate that. You know I don't like pranks, dude, I
don't like pranks. That's a pet peeve of mine. I
was talking to somebody today about that too. I said,
you know, your pranks or you're good at pranking because
(01:36):
you're funny, but also because you're kind of mean. I
don't think that about you, James. I think there could
be uh, we'll go with that. Don't prank me, that's me.
Franks are bad, thank you. I'm on board with that.
I mean, good prank would be like a surprise birthday party. Yeah,
prank or like whoop be cushion type stuff. I'm fine with.
But it's like, you know, like James be like open
(01:59):
this now, oh ship and open the email and it's
like a funny picture. I'm like, oh god. It was like,
we need to talk. I think I set you a
message like we need to talk. Nobody wants to get
that message. Nobody wants so you guys here, we have
open permission to do whoopee question stuff to Chris. It's
hard on it's hard to do that, not impossible. Go
(02:23):
to this address. Sit down here. We need to sit
down here now, freaking ology all right. Next up, it's
Craig Katkoski, Craig, You've done a good amount of TV work.
What's the best set you've ever been on? Almost the
most joyful? Oh man, so many to choose. Um, I'll
(02:44):
tell you what. Like when we we wrapped season five
of Drunk History a couple of years ago, and like
that show, like over its course, like gradually got a
little more budgets and you know, got kind of nicer
and nicer, and like I was really kind of proud
of like where we just gotten to. You know, I
was like, Wow, We've got like a crew of like
a hundred people. Like this feels like really professional, like
(03:06):
to see that show evolved. And then right after I
wrapped that, I was brought back on VP and like
and I was on an HBO set and I'm like,
oh god, we're fucking amateur just craft services where you
can tell the difference of like what the food available
is and like, uh, when when you're on like a
(03:27):
show like VP, you're like, oh that this is real money.
This is not Comedy Central money. So it was a
lobster buffet or what were we talking about? Lobster buffet?
Lobster for breast. So when you ask what's the best set.
My mind immediately goes to food. Last, but not least,
(03:49):
it's Joey Graare Joey, we all hear that you're close
to launching your app. What does it do? Well? I've
had to actually go back to the drawing board because
apparently a mail service already exists. I did not know that,
but what kin, Yeah, okay, exactly, yeah, yeah yeah. So
(04:12):
Google apparently has like this hard line role that I'm
not allowed to use Gmail. I can't say Gmail, even
though it's greer mail. That's the whole thing, but like
I can't use it. I have to go back and
have to figure someone else out, so I can't do
the mail service anymore. So I'm thinking of of like
creating an app that allows users to find different locations
of eggs. So like if there's an egg outside, or
(04:34):
if you see an egg in the story, you're able
to drop a pin and people can like go go
to that place. And I gotta work on a timer
because I imagine that that egg would like, you know,
go away, So I gotta figure that out. But it's
just like an egg locational follow up? Are these um
shelled eggs or open uncooked raw? Uh? These are all
of the above, the uncooked draw egg that that kind
(04:55):
of filter. So this is like I'm pivoting, but I
want to say, in the you know, in the eight world,
you can have this. Just call it the exact locator,
you know. Can I use it? Or do I gotta
pay you? Now? I literally just said you could have it? Literally,
(05:15):
all right, let's do a DAP show, shall we. All
of our scenes suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or
from our Patreon v I P. S. To become a
Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and
other perks, just head on over to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at our
new email address. Welcome you. This email at gmail dot com.
(05:37):
That's okay dot com. Scene one is from Patreon v
I P. Craig Nichols, who wrote, Hello friends, thanks for
all the amazing content. Scene suggestion prison Warden tries to
brighten the mood by replacing all the stairs with slides.
Don't ever change the way you are, Craig. We have
(06:01):
to do something different, something difference, sir, sir, Please don't
It's just that when you say different, it ends up
being a lot of work for us, and often the
plans don't excuse me, these are sharp. I gotta put
these down, coming through points coming through. Look, that's already happening.
You understand. We're taking the stairs out. We're gonna put
in slide. I think it's gonna boost morale and also
(06:24):
a little fun for us, don't you think. I mean, yeah,
that does sound kind of fun. And how quickly can
you get down if there's a riot? And so how
do we get back up? Just go up the slide? Chocolate?
Is there chocolate around? Chocolate? Yeah? I got dark chocolate, Oh,
white chocolate, milk, chocolate, anything you need? Caramel? It's not chocolate.
(06:50):
I don't have it. Do you have chocolate filled with caramel? Oh? Yeah,
this one might have. One of these has it for sure?
I don't know which one. They're all felt a different things.
Let me just say something, what is this a cherry?
Hey murder? Mike? How's your how's your day going in
(07:10):
the cell? Yeah? Okay, that's fair. Listen, um. Look, for
all intents and purposes, you've been a pretty good, you know, prisoner,
and I feel like you and I have built a relationship.
I know I do most of the talking. Um, I
want to give your heads up. Maybe you could tell
(07:31):
some of the guys on the yard that they're gonna
be some changes, some structural changes, Um, around the facility.
Oh no, am I not the chocolate teer anymore. I
really like that job so much better than making license plates.
Yeah no, you're still You're still the chocolate tear blah
blah blah. How does this affect murder Mike, Um, well
(07:57):
being as you have such that have that respect most
of the prisoners here on the yard. I thought maybe
I could give you a test run of some of
the new additions, and if you could spread a positive
word that would really help. Because the warden is all
the wardens on one again. Okay, walk me through it. Actually,
(08:20):
I will literally walk you through it. Um, open gate
to four it Murder Mike. I'm having a hard I'm
going to sleep. Tell me a story. Okay, new fish, Michael.
Let's see. Well, it was a long time ago when
I was just Mike. Ah, good night. Look you know,
(08:50):
I'm I'm a contractor. I I I do what I do,
you know, and and I do specialize in converting stairs
into slides. Uh but uh, you know everything here is
pretty level. You know, it's a prison. There's not a
lot of not a lot of staircases. This isn't lift
the prison. Let's just go from the bottom lifted. Okay.
(09:13):
So you want to raise the entire building, you raise
me up so I can slide down a slide. You
get it. We can do it together. It'll be fine. Okay.
But if you raise the entire building, then you're gonna
have staircases that lead up to the prison, which means
you're gonna have slides coming out of the prison. I
(09:35):
was thinking maybe instead of raising the prison, we just
make floors down below. Okay, I really want to raise
the prison. I really want to. It's just a lot
of work, right, Rod, I mean it's more realistic to
dig down. Okay, So you want to lower the prison,
I mean, I sorry, I know, I'm he's my boss.
(09:57):
So if this doesn't sound right, but I'm thinking, we
just make uh floor underneath it. We don't have to
lower the prison. This will just be the top floor.
Then warded, hold on, hold hold one second, hold on
one second, and the final piece, Oh my god, it's Paris.
I look at this. It's great. It's great. If you like,
(10:21):
we're there. We didn't take a moment with me. Take
a moment with me, all. I don't want to hold
your hand if I don't cover ball there. That's okay, okay, okay,
it's just chocolate. Just melt the chocolate. Okay. Um um.
I'm actually bringing more good news warden. If you kind
of turn on this, monu, my god, let me guess.
(10:43):
Let me guess. Is it um? Is it? Ah? Don't
tell me? Is it um? Do you hear this? Those sounds,
those are weeze coming from the prisoners. Listen here one prisoner,
m it's another. Open your eyes. But you know, I
(11:07):
know no, Look at the monitor. They're using your slide.
Oh my god, they built their own slides. We didn't
even have the contract build their own slides. Oh my gosh,
Oh my gosh, my gosh. This is amazing. What the
bad news means. If they built their own slide, that
means they have intel from the inside, you know what
I mean, someone's someone's telling the prisoners your plans, and
(11:28):
I don't that's not good. I don't know if I
don't know, if that's good. I don't know if that's
good anyway. Well, I mean or bones, You're hello, goodbye
to murder Mike, she said, And I never went back
to Paris again. Oh, I told the story through the night.
Looks like you're waking up now. Ah yeah, great, I
(11:53):
slept like a rock. I haven't slept that good since
my last roommate died. Yeah, you out it off when
I immediately started telling the story. But I I felt
like I had to go through the whole thing. And
it is about seven hours long, and it was almost
like a white noise machine for me, just keeping me
there in a perfect state of ram. Well maybe I'll
(12:16):
look into that when I get out of this place,
because I'm getting out next Thursday at four. Me and
the guys have figured out how to put slides together
to get on out of this place. I like to come.
I would really love to come. And just know that
when I come, I can either be with you or
(12:38):
I can even go my own separate weight. But if
you needed help, I'm actually very good at that. I'm
very handy. Contractor, Contractor Connor, I need your attention. Please
in my person. You will have the title and name
given to you. Do you understand now I've got some
information that is really tickling my ass. It seems like
(13:00):
some of the prisoners have built a slide. How would
they have done that? Contractor Connor? Like, I don't know
how the how they got the equipment Warden, but it
looks like they're using utensils and plates and different platters
from the cafeteria. How do you think they got that?
Contractor Conor? What? What were you saying, Tony? Well, I
(13:20):
don't want to get us in trouble, but I had
brought all the tools to the yards that we could
out of the van, so we didn't have to take
one tool at a time. It could be my fault. Yeah, Tony,
I told you one tool at a time. This is
a prison. Yeah, it's just that I figured one one
tool the type inside. I just put a pile of
(13:40):
tools and all of the slide material in. They're telling
me the materials you brought in were utensils from the
cafeteria as well as trays and plates. Well, they could
use some utensils from the cafeteria, because that's exactly that
is exactly what the slide is being made up. Do
you understand that those are my materials. We're supposed to
have a pizza party. Now we can't because all the
race plates and utensils are gone a contractor. I'd like you,
(14:04):
you're gonna go to my party? Okay, and now I
don't know, so what's going on? I really don't have
time to go to your party, Warden. Sorry, Hey, murder Mike, murderer, Mike.
So Thursday is the big day, huh it is. I'm
gonna miss you, guys. I'm gonna miss you too. You
(14:25):
always treated us real good. I'm very afraid of you.
I'm very afraid of you. What's gonna be your first
stop on the outside? Oh wow? You know, all these
years I and even thought what I would do when
I got out. But I'll be able to adjust to
be an outside of this place. You know, I've I
(14:46):
wanted to go to this be wanting to go back
to Paris. It's the last place that I was happy. Yeah, okay,
that's a beautiful sentiment. It just seems like that might
be a difficult thing for you to do. That's like
getting a passport and getting like playing fair and like
getting a place. Even Airbnb is outside of Paris is
(15:06):
like really expensive. You know, I was thinking maybe you
might want to hold up in the barn. The barn
really feels like I'm settling. Well, I mean, I don't
know what you want to want me to do. I
can't give you more supplies. Man, you took them off.
That's just how it is. Look, my my idiot cousin,
(15:27):
uh left a whole bunch of tools in the prison
yard and uh yeah, and now the prisoners building slides
and also killing each other with the tools. Look. I
already did you a favor, alright by giving you the
stuff I had already. I can't give you anymore. Run.
I'm sorry. I just like this is this is the
biggest contract I've had in years. We're we're both raising
(15:48):
the prison and lowering it. I would you do that?
I don't know. They're the guys crazy. Oh then you
look hard. But have you slept recently or I've not slept.
I I got it apart it at the prison. Wait
a minute, I think I'm living in a prison cell. God. Well, yeah,
I'm talking to you. This glass partitioning? Are you? I mean,
do you need anything? You want your toothpaste? Look, I
(16:11):
do need a guy who can get me things. Okay,
I don't know. I mean I already think you that favor.
I don't know. Look if if if you didn't get
me a porno maggot, I really appreciate it. That hard
to come by around here. All right, I go, I
gotta go, all right, hey, chocolate your Michael, Yeah, I gotta.
(16:35):
I gotta check the spread we have today for the wardens.
So if you can just tell me what's on the menu. Okay, great? Um,
I made scrambled eggs but out of chocolate, along with
a hot cup of Joe made of chocolate, and um
and long uh what looks like bacon, but of course
is actually chocolate. There's all different varieties of chocolate. Sure, listen,
(17:00):
I want to tell you. I don't know if the
warden has expressed his gradit here, but you were doing
a great job. Thank you, Thank you so much. It
would be a shame if you left anytime soon. You
know what I mean? Well, you know the whabilitating this
warden wants you to stick around. On what I'm saying.
I just feel here, hold onto this saw, but just
(17:23):
hold the saw for one second. Okay, now you've got
us all Yeah, thanks man? Okay, right, right, I'll be
bringing you in this afternoon for the chocolate spread again.
That's scrambled eggs. That are chocolate, that's um. And am
I getting paid in sharp tools now? Because that is
(17:43):
so much better than time in the yard. The warden
wants you around. Alright, boys, will one slide away from
the outside chocolate? Here? Drop that saw. We don't need that.
We have these things all made up for us to
take the slides out of murder Mike, Oh no, murder Mike.
(18:05):
Can I just get your ear for a second, please? Okay,
go ahead. Are you awake? Yes, I'm awake. Are you
sure you're awake. I'm just not talking to a sleepy
boy who's just talking to me because there's a sleep No,
I'm awake. Board. Oh good. I don't know what to do, honestly,
I don't know who to talk to her or where
(18:25):
to go. I'm just so so lost. Should I leave? Well?
That reminds me of a story. It's back when I
was just Michael. Alright, boys, Warden's out, let's go. Let's go.
Morning Warden, Good morning, good morning. I brought your satin slippers,
(18:48):
thank you. You know what today I want to walk
the grounds I'm feeling so good. Okay, what if you
got the barn? Okay, the board and I want to
bring contractor Connor. I think he's one. Okay, he's in
he's in cell Block D. As you know, the water
tank well keeps committing more and more crimes. Well in here,
(19:09):
and it's weird, but we gotta keep him now. But
I can go. He's in the water tank. Off. Um,
all prisoners have been accounted for. It's going to be
a lovely day at the prison. Oh good, good. I
can't deal with any kind of stress today. No, of course, not.
Let me go grab contract Excuse me. I have an appointment. Well,
(19:31):
and it's not really an appointment with the warden, but
I'd like to talk with the warden. Now, listen, warden,
how did you get here? Well? I walked, I had
I had my I had my carriage, and then I
walked from there. Let me tell you my boys. My
boys are in my carriage, and we're ready to raise
this jail. And we don't usually raise jails, but we're
ready to raise this jail for you. But here I
(19:54):
am hearing things that you don't even need me anymore.
I've got Jebediah, Josiah, Abigail. We're all already. I've told
you several times the Amish community is welcome to raise
this prison, and that's our first. You introduced the Amish.
You gotta move One two is from listener Chris, who wrote,
(20:20):
howdy Alchemists. Before I go onto my suggestion, I just
wanted to give a sincere thanks for your bi weekly
gifts of comedy. I've been an avid listener for years
now and just recently became a VACK member simply because
you guys never failed to put a smile on my pace.
As per tradition, my tedious job involves animal research on
concussions and treatments for Alzheimer's. Despite the depressing, albeit necessary
(20:43):
nature of animal research, your show has kept me my
sanity afloat and inspired me to pursue a more creative
endeavor in user experience design. Keep up their great work. Anyway,
back to my scene suggestion, bomb threat at the Skeptics convention.
Thanks for the laughs. Us Nelson from Richmond H. James
(21:03):
another prank call. Let's say there's a bomb in here?
Should we report that? Or No? They're just trying to
ruffle our feathers. They don't like skeptics. They don't like
our conference. You know what, if you're not skeptical about
what's going on around you, then you're not paying attention.
I don't know, I'm kind of I don't know if
(21:24):
you're telling the truth. Just put the just put the
tinsel up on the ARCT. What do you mean you
don't think I'm telling the truth? I don't know, man,
Are you sure this is the is the right tinsel?
Hold on a second. Are you saying you don't think
I got the phone call? Or are you saying you
don't think I should disregard the phone call? Brian? What
(21:47):
I think is that you got the phone call. But
what I also think is that maybe there wasn't a
bomb threat. Really you don't think I heard what I said?
I heard? No, No, I don't start Star sixty nine Okay, fine, okay,
finn okay, what is the star? Is the star? The
(22:09):
at the little thing that looks like a like a
firework exploding? Okay? Well the nine? Is that what you're
talking about? Star six nine? Hold on six okay? Okay?
Is it ringing? I'm not telling you it's ringing? Hello
macavoy at one to four more Park Street. How can
(22:30):
I help you? Is this a message? Did I get?
Are you there? Are you there? Or is this a message? No?
This is Peter. How can I help you? Are you sure?
Are you talking to a machine? How can I help you? Okay,
I'm talking to a machine right now. Anything. I'm talking
to Peter McAvoy. Sure you are? Yeah, I am. Oh.
(22:52):
Let me guess this is the macavoy that does all
the anti virus stuff on computers. Huh, that's the different name.
That's mccaffee. I think, yeah, sure it is, sure it is.
So let me get this shrew. You called in? You
called in about a little a bomb threat. It's all right,
Yes I did, right, you did. Yeah, I have hidden
(23:17):
two bombs at your conference. You can't see me, but
I'm putting up quotes air quotes around the word conference.
It is a conference? No, not to me, it isn't Peter.
Did I just hear you right on the phone? What
what's up? Did you just answer and give our address?
(23:39):
Is that my towel? I mean it's our towel. I
mean though it's like the household towel just feels like
that one I use more than you do. You're picking
fights with me again, and I just want to let
you know that I heard you, and that of everything
that you said in that calm versation, I am very
(24:01):
upset about you giving away our address. Do you know
how it's like to be a woman in the city,
in the big city. It's terrifying, terrifying. I could never
give away my address because somebody might come and steal
me or worse. Just why do I stay with you? Why?
(24:24):
That was pretty convincing, Tad. But at the same time,
you should take acting classes. I could tell nobody else
was on the phone. He's told that there are two
bombs in the convention. Downs stand two bombs. Okay, we
gotta call off the convention. We just stop it, Stop it, Tad.
I'm telling you what helps me. I'm not score the tincil,
you dumbask We gotta we gotta do something about the bombs. Okay,
(24:47):
We're gonna do something. As soon as I start getting
worked up, then you're gonna tell me to prank. Okay, sorry, interrupt,
Just want to let you know there's a panel on
faked moon landing starting at one pm. Okay, and our
wristband gets us into that as well. Since we're exhibitors,
it does where nobody's really attending the panel right now,
(25:09):
because I think people don't respond well to to authority,
and I guess the schedule for the convention is kind
of indicative of authority. But so we'll start at one
or two or three. Whenever people show up. We'll show
when we want to show up. Okay, we'll show up
what we wash up. And let me just tell you something, buddy.
All right, we're bombs here. My name is Kurt. Oh hey, Kurt,
(25:31):
know that you don't look like a Kurt Well for
this weekend. My name is Kurt. Okay, there are bombs here. Okay,
there are bombs at the convention, all right, they're here.
Peter McAfee, the anti virus guy. He put bombs here. Wait,
(25:52):
Peter McAfee, yes, the anti virus guy. But he put
bombs here. Okay. I I've been hearing these theories about
Peter McAfee for years, uh and a lot of people
think that he's not even in uh the US right
now that he has a start star sixty nine this
(26:14):
phone right now, just please do Kurt Pete walk away
from Ricky Peter. Stop fooling around with this anti virus
stuff and come learn to make bombs with the rest
of your family. All right, Pete, walk away? Okay, okay, okay, sorry,
(26:35):
I just what if we were in put here to do? Good? Pete?
What are you talking about? The mcafees have been anarchists.
I don't like centuries. I don't like this one pit. Listen,
dear mother, this is your side of the family, Sean,
this is your side of the family, right, I'm going
with the maca voice side of the family. No you're not.
(26:58):
You're going with Mike side of the family. Don't ear.
Don't pull my ear in. You you going to pull
your eye out. I'm not gonna do that. You gonna
scoop your eye out with my thumb? Is it so
wrong to want to help pet Look, we can't help
who we are, all right. You got a little bit
of me, and you get a little bit of your mom,
and you too. You are Peter McAfee McAvoy all right.
(27:23):
I don't know why you hyphenated and we didn't, but
that's just the way it is. Okay, because I don't
have two names, and neither do you. He does. Hey, dead, Yes,
I are you handing that detonator. You got it? You
want to go throw it around outside? Peter, We've got
to talk your parents. You said that they were just
(27:46):
coming for the weekend. They've been here for months. I
need my space for what to do. What you constantly
making bad? Okay, alright, just tell me one thing you
want to do alone. I want to not eat rancid
(28:09):
meat that's been left on the counter and pointed out
and then still left on the counter, because you know,
if I see meat, I'm going to eat it. I'm
gonna eat it. I know, babe. Do you think maybe
my parents being here is what's driving a wedge between us?
I think a lot of things at this point are
driving a lot of different wedges. Do you want to
(28:31):
answer that? Yes, let me show you how it's done. Okay, Hello,
Tina Lasagna, Kirk, Kirk Ticke, kurt uh Hi? Who is this?
This Tina Hi? This is Kurd at the Skeptics Convention? Oh? Hi,
(28:54):
how is it? How are you? Okay? I was told
that I was going to talk to Peter McAfee if
I called this number, and you're saying, in fact, you
are Tina Lasagna. I am Tina Lasagna. Um, there is
a Peter who lives here. Um, Peter McAfee the middle
(29:15):
of the Pacific Ocean. Excuse me, what are you trying
to get my address from me? I don't give that, Okay.
I'm a woman in the big city. I don't just
give away my address to random men so that you
could come find me, steal me and chop me up,
knocking knock a Tina surprised you your parents? This is
your badest. Tina Lasagna? Se your badests? Do you do
(29:40):
you have to go? Um? No? Actually, could you stay
on the line with me? I really don't want to
have to deal with these people? Hi, Mom, Hi Dad,
just one moment, I'm on the phone. Very important, Okay.
I think clearly she's hired actors who are doing like
a really broad your next, That's what I thought. I mean,
(30:01):
I didn't hear theirs, but I didn't think there was
even a name such as Tina Lasagna. Are we sure
they're Italian? They might be friends? Huh why would they
be French? Tina Lasagna. I'm just saying you could have
Lasgna anywhere. Kids slide to notice the shadows on the
(30:22):
rocket slide three? Oh, excuse me? Can you explain why
the shadows in the rocket really proved that those pictures
are fake? Let me move on to slide three and
you'll see if I zoom in here. Isn't it kind
(30:44):
of nuts that this guy's using slides like there's a
projector right there. It's like, I think he's showing us
the original film, But I feel like that the original
films can always be doctored. You can't. You can't manipulate
anything online as a fact. Do you think since it's
just us to watch you, we could probably go up
there and see it for ourselves? You think he'd mind?
(31:07):
What do you mean to see it for ourselves? Ask
good when you come up there? And what do you
mean to see it for ourself? Like? Get up there
and look at the slides before they're projected. Oh my god,
you're saying that he's manipulating at somehow. I don't know
that he's not. I don't know that he's not. God,
it's crazy. Yes, of course, excuse me slides? Yes? Uh?
(31:29):
Is there a way for us to see the slides
have verify that that's actually the image being projected? I
cannot help you there. Huh funny slide seven. Did I
think you're right? I think, hey, you guys as a
bored as I am by this, Yeah, hey, I got
I got the original as a pruder moon Landing film.
(31:52):
What you know, as a pruder shot that Kennedy assassination
he also shut. He also shut the moon land That's
what I always believe that I knew that four years later.
Oh my god, do the math? Do the math? One?
When was the assassination? When was a Kennedy assassination? Yeah,
(32:12):
but they'll tell they'll tell you it was Ninette. But
in fact that he was not assassinate until nineteen sixty five,
not successfully. God, And so wait four years after sixty five?
Was a moon landing sixty nine sixty nine? But but
reverse those numbers and what else happened in ninety six? Stock? No, well,
(32:38):
yeah that was there was a wood Stock, right, there
was a wood Stock ninety six that between the wood
stuck ninety four and ninety nine, it was successful. It
was a good wood stock. Don't talk about talking about
They don't talk about that one. Talking about the Prouder film. Yeah,
which one, don't get me started. I had seven? You
(32:58):
got seven? It is you guys want to bull this place.
There's a there's another speaker down the road. He's talking
about the new Matrix movie. That wasn't a Bob No,
not Lasagna, just how it's just how it sounds. L
A z O n y A. Tina Lasagna, Tina Lasagna. Okay,
(33:24):
just checking the records here, and I'm not going to
give that on air. I'm just here to give you
an interview. I understand this is before you go on air.
I just need to have your information, so before you're
able to go on air. I see the red light
on that camera, and I know that you're recording for
that station that's recording the actual news that's going on
(33:47):
right now. Are you trying to Are you trying to
get a scavenger hunt from my dismembered body going, I mean,
what do you think is going to exactly happen? Once
I give everyone my address? You're just giving me. This
is confidential information. I need to be able to send
you your your tax information. That that's why we're paying
you for this. You're paying I'm so sorry. I thought
(34:09):
that this was I thought I was getting interviewed for
the local news about what I know about the bomb
as I was dating the bomber. But yes, we were
paying you for that. We pay everyone that gets on
the local news. Hey, pet, I can hear the sirens come,
and let's just throw this detonator around while we still
can son. Thanks pops. Hey, good news is the the prison.
(34:36):
It's got new slides, so I could be fun. Yeah,
I'll come visit you. Well, I will slide down together,
so I don't know if that'll be possible. But thanks.
You got a kid, and that's our seconds alright. Three
(34:59):
is from listen or. Andrew Laramie wrote, Hello, Kevin. I've
been listening since the beginning, and it's always a joy
to hear all of you get no wacky situations. The
chemistry you all have is helpable and it really set
your podcasts apart from the rest. My suggestion is as follows.
McDonald's gets a bad batch of frying oil and it
starts turning the fries into hungry a sentient beings. I
(35:21):
hope you're all keeping safe and healthy. Andrew Laramie from Montreal,
what do you want me to put this? Put a
right in the tank, idiot, Just open it up and
put it in the tank. It doesn't look like the
other one. The oil you know why, I don't know
why they made us pay you a minimum? Way, you're dough.
(35:44):
Just pour it into fryer, jesus, I'm just dropping it off,
my god, put it in the front. Don't just drop
it off. Put it in the fryer. Did you hear
the glug? Glug? I was doing it? What is wrong
with you? Manute? I'm just gonna manatur. Okay, I'm like,
pretty big deal here. I can fucking fire you. I
don't work for you. Do you understand that I'm an
(36:06):
independent concert bring this? Did she not bring the oil
in today? Yes? Who do you think you did it for?
For the franchise? The owner, not the manager of this McDonald's. Yeah, well,
my dad's the franchise e owner. And when my dad died,
I'm gonna be fucking imposs to this place. So if
you're not fired now, just wait till my dad passes
(36:29):
and you're fucking out of here. You know what, man,
I I really will hope your dad has a long life,
and I hope you know, I hope you have a
real shitty day. Will work all right? Once some water here? No,
I just you know, what that was pretty hurtful. I
hope I have a shitty day at work. I'm trying
to please a bunch of people with hap meals over here.
(36:53):
I'm out of here, man, I'm gonna go. I don't
give a ship. Alright, I dropped off the oil. Thank
you for putting it. Take you're putting it in? Yeah? Whatever, man, whatever,
thank you, thank you. You're done. You're done here. Well, well,
well look who's back from his run? Took you long
enough out there? I mean, how many places did you
have to stop today? Huh? Just one place? Just that,
Psycho McDonald's all right, jesus, Well listen, we need you
(37:16):
back here in a time timely manner. Yeah, I'm dispatch here,
I know, so when I call you, it's like you
know your dad runs his dispatch. Okay, yeah, one day
I will yeah, one day you will be right now,
here's my boss. All right, all right, I need you
to take the special Scary oil now to the big
(37:40):
industrial complex. Okay, okay, all right, she'd be right over.
Is that the official name for it? Is that? Like
the actual name they gave it, special scary, special scary Oil?
What did I say? You said special scary. It's just crazy.
But that that's like what they would right. Is it
just me or is that oil a little bit less
(38:03):
uh or more opaque than it usually is? I believe
it means that you can It's like it's got like
a flatness to it. I can't see very deep inside
of it. Usually you can see the price that are
down below because translucent. Instead it's the oil they gave us.
(38:25):
So yeah, I know I saw it. Hello Brian, Hello
with anybody here at Hello, going, Bryan, get the going
very sad. My child needs a happy meal. There's I'll
handle us. I'll handle us. Hey, I welcome to McDonald's. Um.
Before you ask, the only happy Meal toy we have
(38:47):
left in the space Jam collection is Bab's Bunny. God
damn it, you have seven, but that's all they allocated
to us. We've got so many Bab's Bunnies and that
is what is in the happy Meal currently. Well, let
me just say we we ate here a couple of
weeks ago, and I want to make a return on
the fries. The fries just want to make a return
on the fries, like a full refund, and I want
a new fry. Now do you have a received No,
(39:10):
I don't. Is that a problem or do you want
me to sue you? Um? This is just weird for me.
I usually I guess we can give you fry credit.
Look at my child, Look at my child. I'm so sad. Hey,
um jerry um am. I the only one hearing like
hundreds of tiny cries coming from this friar. I think
(39:32):
that's just the sound of its sizzling. It's probably because
they're so frosty. When they go down, it's just the
whistle of the ice. It sounds like hundreds of souls
crying out. Negaty. I've never heard crying out negaty. Up.
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out right? Okay, okay,
(40:00):
all these fries have have little faces all over the place.
I need to fry. I need a fry's dad. I
got a very unhappy mother and child out there. We're
trying to catch the fries. They're running around like one
like whole and based on the data that we have
(40:26):
right now, gentlemen, we're gonna be able to use this
oil to create any kind of sentience in any non
organic life form. He sounds so rich, right, he just
sounds rich. I can hear you, Brian, what's up? I
can hear it. I was just I am rich? You
sound rich? I am like, how does that happen? Plain?
(40:48):
Let me just clarify. Are we going to put super
scary on the label or is that just more of
an in house nickname for sounds rich too? I feel
as though it simplifies the product, just super scary. Yes,
originally it was compound fourteen nine, but we just kind
of none descripted exactly what kind of compound is that?
(41:08):
But super scary oil seemed to be right to the point, gentlemen,
where will be our first market for super scary oil?
Where should we deploy it? Doesn't sound that's a great question.
And if you look at the slides, just exactly where
let me just go to slide one least wealthy, that's
super rich, but well, slide to where is this? Why
is it not going? Hold on? I don't know what
(41:28):
order there? You sound like the help you? It was
like a hundred slides in here. I'm not sure which
one had the I'm supposed to help with this. I'm sorry. Here,
would you like me to let's see here? This is
the folder you need? Okay, it should be working now,
so I don't. I don't need your laptop. I'm working
on the slides here. Okay, So well, I've got all
(41:50):
the slides converted into JPEGs and pdpps into this laptop.
Do you think I want a jpeg? I paid good
money for this vintage slide, said, and we're going to
use it. Oh pake oh p a m m. I'm done.
(42:15):
I'm not done. Okay, can I get the language of origin?
Are you kidding? Can she get the language of origin?
Language of origin? As you suck? Yeah, that's not very nice.
She's a child. That really makes me so sad. You
suck s u q u E right, she's a kid. Guys,
(42:39):
she's not a good speller. I think that was a clue,
because there's no way that fifty year old man doesn't
know how to spell suck. I'm ready to go. Oh
p a q you Okay, you've passed the tests. You've
passed the asked my child. This is yes, the Wizards
(43:04):
of Spelling. Sorry, sorry we had to be so harsh
that this is incredible. I always thought that I was
doomed to have a boring life here in Salem's so
boring and be sad all the time. You know you
(43:25):
are the chosen one. Did you see those French fresh
better her? I thought they were straight worms. Gentlemen, this
is a wizard in ceremony. Please please show respect ward
like a wizard. Are you two not wizards? We were supposed? Yes?
How why how did you get in here? Who speak? Now?
(43:48):
But we will turn you into I am a wizard
from four and he is a Is that what you think?
Wizards sound like? I'm a wizard from near m what
hero wizards? All we do is read that this isn't
(44:08):
What order do you come from? Huh? Order of antelope?
Oh god, Jerry's dead and nobody please fry guys, just
let me go. Stop trying me to the ground. And
this the soft ser machine is broken again. I don't
(44:28):
think it has anything to do with the sentries. Maybe
we can strike up a deal. Maybe what do you want?
And keep in mind that we're McDonald's employees. There's not
allowed we can bring to the table here. Gave a car,
I have an electric bike? M I get dropped off
(44:49):
by my mom? What else? What else? I think one
thing we could say? We want to stop in cook
to live? Can't we at least have that the table.
No more burning us alive, no more French fries. Okay, um,
you guys have to tell that to the lady out there. Though.
(45:12):
If you're not French fries, then you're just raw potatoes.
And I mean that's kind of It's weird, right because
you won't become sentient until you're putting the oil. But
if you're putting the oil, then you become fries. So
you are fries and you're saying no fries. Okay, Well,
feel like an existential crisis. We've always been sentient, we've
(45:34):
just been given the chance to talk about it. Now.
You've been burning her potato people for years, so you
want to stay raw, raw, raw. In fact, I'd rather
not even be cut up. I'd rather stay potato. I'd
(45:55):
rather be left in the soil. But you were cut up,
so yeah, you look, the data is clear, Okay, the
data is clear of how the oil works. I don't
think this needs an explanation, all right. The slides will
tell you if I can figure it out. Damn it.
Where where you're talking visual slides or like we we slides? Yes, yes,
(46:21):
we we we slides yes yes yes, Now look we
still need funding, all right, So we're still gonna have
to go out there and knock on doors and ask
our neighbors, friends and family for as much money as
I possibly give us. Okay, so why don't we start
that now, everyone in the boardroom and pass on a
little hat. Then the hat has been dipped in oil.
(46:41):
So it is this is a tiny hat. A little happen,
it doesn't matter. Credit cards are fine in there. If
you stack them up, it won't be that you know. Also,
if you hold the bills, there's ways to get it.
It's it's the size. That's a really small hat. Mom.
I don't know what to tell you. There are no
fries today, that's what. There are fries to Star Friday. Now,
(47:02):
why don't you use a little wizard power of yours
turn everyone into a little umbrella. I'm not allowed to
use it in public until I turn fifteen. Oh, don't
worry about that. You're fine. Just hi, no, hollo you right? Okay.
(47:30):
Oh it's sad. This makes this is not a happy
meal at all. My daughter is sad again. My daughter
is sad. I need to talk to somebody now now,
is there no one gonna help you? Mike's first day
on the job. Hello, murder Mike, beautiful name, Thank you.
(47:54):
I just want to say I want to make a complaint. Okay,
are you ready? You gonna run it down? Nope, make
it okay's just gonna memorize it. Well, I want to
complain about you too. Number one, there were no friends.
We didn't eat. The fries were running around, disgusting. Some
of them were on the floor. And secondly, now we
get individual who's murder Mike come in here and tell
us that he's not going to write down I my
(48:16):
hour complaint. Very upset, very I want to refund. You
want to refund? Okay, I can process that. Let me
just refund you with my Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god. I have the power to heal you.
But I shouldn't do it in public until in fifteen.
(48:38):
Oh god, what do I do? Dispatch coming through? I
guess whose dad dined? I'm now the boss there. So
a couple of things are gonna change. One, you're not
gonna call me big Babo big babo. That's official. And uh,
(49:00):
second of all, no, we're gonna start there big Babo,
big Babo out ah. Feeling pretty good? All right? You
some inventory now, cooking oil, cooking oil, special scary oils
special Wait, cooking oil, cooking oil, special scary oils. What
(49:25):
the hell? Oh Dad, I wish you were alive. I
wish you were alive to help me in this moment.
I don't know what to do. Obviously oil has been
the wrong oil has been given to the wrong place,
and surely they're gonna be grave. You're still on. Oh yeah,
(49:45):
we heard all of that. Baba. We're gonna unionize if
we're gonna use this against you. Man, I'm sorry. I
just had to be upfront about it. Man, I just
want you to know. No, all right, all right, m
(50:06):
you're still on. Man. I know that the slide thing
was a big mistake. But one thing I don't know
if we've thought through, is if we put the scary
oil in a container, won't that container then become sentient? Actually,
it's like glue, right, you know how glue doesn't stick
(50:26):
to itself in the bottle. You're starting to sound more wealthy.
I'm sorry. Well, check out my four oh one K.
That is a four, a one and a K. Look
at that. So as I was saying, glue doesn't stick
to the inside of a bottle, does it? It does not.
If you leave it open, it becomes a solid like
(50:48):
trust me, I've got I am full of I don't
trust you. I don't trust you because just got a
big package from an investor something McAfee. Why don't I
go ahead and open that? You can, I'll see what
inside and that's our show. Everybody, let's thank her. How
(51:09):
can we see what they're up to? Chris Savarado. I
just wish that girl would have used her powers, you
know what I mean. She could have helped her mom,
so in my mind she did, but then her mom
came back and started complaining, so then she reversed it,
and then she's still got in trouble with the Wizarding Council.
A lot of stuff happened to my that makes sense. Um,
(51:33):
I'm just hanging out, Cole happen to have happy to
be playing and having a good time with everybody. Noise Greigkowski, Hey,
I was slightly taken it back when that second suggestion
said that we were that we were a bi weekly podcast.
I'm like, we're not every other week. We are a
semi semi weekly podcast twice a week. That sounds so wrong.
(51:57):
Bye week by means too every two weeks is bi
weekly twice a week. You're semi weekly half a week.
I love that. Oh my god, here you go. We've
learned something today A semi truck like twice as long. Boy,
(52:18):
my mind is blown. J C d j oh. Thanks
for having me. I know that I get to be
here quite often that every week I'm wondering if it's
the last. Um, thanks for having me. Check me up,
check me out a game front on YouTube. I believe
you have first bright of refusal in every episode. There
(52:39):
you go, Jackie ganzals do Ruthie. Oh, yes, thank you
for having me. Um. I have a weekly podcast coming.
It is weekly, and then so it comes out the
last week of October, and it's weekly for November, the
most wonderful part of the year, reviewing Christmas movies. But
then it becomes semi weekly in December. We ramp it
(53:01):
up as the season, you know, as the day comes near,
we gotta ramp it up. And then what about February
and it is gone. It is no non weekly. It's
a limited a limited time adventure. Does that make sense?
I'm at Jackie TRUTHI yet on things. Thank you nice
(53:22):
Joey Greer. That's how you say it. Check out Alchemy.
This is Instagram and Alchemy this pod on Reddit. People
are talking about stuff. People are, you know, discovering new
Check it out, check it out nice. I'm at Cole Stratton,
Rat Stratton, Cole on socials. Good to sketch Fest dot
(53:43):
com our twenty anniversary festival. It's coming in January. Lineup
will be announced November night, TA tickets on sale two
days later. Uh. There will be at least two performers
um probably a thousand, but we shall see as things
are starting to come together, so go check that out.
Let's thank our engineering producer Doug Babe and the fine
(54:06):
folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please write to
us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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