Appreciation helps, even when you can't

Sincere thanks can reduce resentment

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
tip is that appreciation helps even when you can't. In

(00:23):
situations where work is unequally shared, Acknowledging that and expressing
sincere thanks can make everyone happier. Long term, it might
be better to work out a different distribution of labor,
but more immediately, appreciation helps even if someone isn't helping

(00:43):
as much as others. So there has been a lot
written and discussed about the division of household labor. There
are the obvious chores like cooking or cleaning, and many
people do try to share those, But then there is
also the mental effort involved in knowing what's coming up,
seeing what needs to be done, managing a schedule, in

(01:04):
social relationships, and so forth. For instance, if a couple
has two kids and each is invited to a birthday
party on Saturday, each parent may take one kid. It
looks like they are evenly splitting this work, but maybe
only one parent received the invitations, knew that these children

(01:26):
were good friends of their kids, reworked the Saturday schedule
so both parties could be attended, talked with each of
the kids about what the birthday children would like, and
bought the presents, figured out wrapping in cards, filled out
the waivers for the bouncy house places, made sure the
other parent knew where to go and when, and took
the present, and so forth. There was the obvious work,

(01:51):
but also a lot of invisible mental work. A recent guest,
Alison Damager, studied how this mental work is split in
various sorts of couples. In many couples, as you might guess,
it is not equal. One could write whole books about
why that is, and indeed such books have been written.

(02:12):
But I was struck by something I'd read in Damager's work,
which is that expressing appreciation is often helpful, even in
these unequal situations. Acknowledging that work has been done and
thanking the other person for doing it makes them feel
happier about it and reduces resentment. I think there is

(02:35):
a lot of merit to this idea in all sorts
of situations. Let's say you have been traveling a lot
for work, and you know your partner has had to
navigate a tough situation for a kid at school simply
saying I really appreciate all the time and effort you
are putting into this. I know it is not easy,
and I see it, and I see that you are

(02:56):
doing most of it, and I think you are doing
a great job. Can be really helpful. Or one could
imagine a scenario at work too. Maybe a colleague has
really been putting in some effort to keep everyone on
your team happy, even though she is not actually the manager.
She made sure there were birthday cakes and quietly stepped
in to take on someone's extra work when she knew

(03:19):
he had something big with his family in the evening.
Even if you are not in a position to take
on a similar share of the mental effort of team building,
you could say a sincere thank you. I see what
you are doing. I think you're doing an amazing job.
I want you to know that I really appreciate it.

(03:40):
This acknowledgment and appreciation is free. It is easy to do,
certainly easier than actually learning the whole family schedule, for instance.
So why don't people do it? I imagine sometimes it's that
invisible labor is really invisible. People take it for granted,

(04:02):
or maybe they think it is the way of the world.
Perhaps some people believe that they deserve to have other
people carrying a bigger share of mental load around them.
I don't know, but I think that mindset is worth rethinking.
Carrying a bigger share of the mental load is often
a big gift someone is giving someone else. Acknowledging this

(04:26):
is simply fair and good for any relationship. And if
you are the one carrying a bigger share of the
mental load, you might actually ask for appreciation. And I
know that this can feel wrong, like shouldn't people see it?
But if they don't and you want the benefits of appreciation,

(04:50):
you might try speaking up, as in, I just want
to point out that I manage the whole schedule while
you are traveling for work. You didn't even and know
that our babysitter had asked for the day off on Thursday.
I dealt with all of that. I would appreciate if
you would acknowledge that and thank me for it. Now

(05:12):
that may or may not happen, but at least the
other person now knows that there is a path to
reduced resentment if he or she is willing to take it.
In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and
here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for

(05:39):
listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback,
you can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com.
Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts
from iHeartMedia, please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

(06:02):
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.