Be a better listener

Enjoy conversations more by ending this one bad habit.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.
Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Today's tip is about how to be a better listener.
We all know people who are just a joy to
speak with. When we talk with these people, we leave
the conversation energized. We tend to seek out these people again.

(00:27):
We want to hang out with them, and we want
to do business with them. This podcast is all about
being efficient and effective with time, and being the sort
of person people seek out tends to be more efficient
than constantly asking people to pay attention to you. So
why do some people seem like such great conversationalists. What's

(00:47):
often going on is that these people are very skilled
at listening. Notice I said skilled at listening. Like many
things in life, listening is a skill. Just because anyone
can listen, just like anyone can write an essay or
play the drums, doesn't mean most people do it well.

(01:07):
But as with any skill, people can improve if they
choose to improve. One of the best ways to improve
is to stop doing one little and unfortunately kind of
automatic thing. The next time you're having a conversation, notice
what your brain is doing while the other person is talking.

(01:28):
As the person tells a story, what's on your mind.
If you are a normal human being, the odds are
good that you are thinking of a story to tell
that matches or perhaps tops, the other person's story. There
are lots of reasons we do this. One is that
in all conversations we tend to seek common ground. If

(01:48):
we discover similarities with our conversation partners, then we don't
need to be threats to each other, which is a
good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities. But
there's also a little bit of competition going on too.
We want the other person to acknowledge us, to pay
attention to us. We want a certain amount of the
conversation time centered on us, because of course, we all

(02:11):
find ourselves fascinating. It makes complete sense, But here's why
it's a problem. As your brain seeks out a story
to match or top the other persons, you aren't paying
attention to what he or she is saying. You miss details,
you miss nuance, and you miss opportunity. Because if someone
is telling you something difficult, like she's really concerned about

(02:33):
a sick friend, she actually doesn't want to hear that
you once had a friend who was sick too. You
strengthen the relationship by validating her feelings and supporting her.
Everyone likes to feel heard, so if you want to
be a better listener, commit to quitting the wait until
you hear what happened to me habit while the other

(02:54):
person is talking. Don't hunt through your memory for a
similar story. Don't be watching for the person to take
a breath so you can launch into your tail instead.
I like this suggestion I've heard from a great many
good listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of
a new book by Kelly Corrigan on the most potent
things we say to each other. Try saying tell me more.

(03:20):
Then the person can indeed tell you more if they'd
like to, Or you can try something else that's equally validating,
like that must have been so stressful, or tell me
how you solve that problem. You can repeat back something
the person said, or even ask something very specific to
their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the
form of a question, Oh, you always have such adventures.
When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, what did

(03:42):
you have to change about your trip? Most likely, the
person will be thrilled to continue with her story and
you might learn something fascinating, you might learn something useful,
and most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you
something and then you can tell any story you want.
You'll still get a chance to talk about yourself, but
with the added benefit that the other person now thinks

(04:04):
you're a wonderful listener rather than someone who just wants
to talk about ourselves, just like all of us want
to talk about ourselves. You will have actually listened to
what the person was saying, rather than spending time racking
your memory for similar stories. And if the other person
never gets around to asking you about yourself, well it
could happen, But so what. You now know this about

(04:25):
the person, and you can go judge for yourself whether
it's worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing to
do with whether you got to tell your story three
minutes earlier in the conversation or not. So today, when
you're talking with someone, try listening without dreaming up the
next story you'll tell. See what happens. You might be
surprised where the conversation leads. In the meantime, this is Laura,

(04:50):
Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of
our time. Hey everybody, I love to hear from you.
You can send me your tips, your questions, or anything else.
Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at
Before Breakfast Pod. That's b E the number four, then

(05:13):
Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me an
email at Before Breakfast podcast. At i heeart media dot
com that Before Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters.
Thanks so much, I look forward to staying in touch.
Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio. For

(05:35):
more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i heart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.