Don't consent and resent

Being accommodating isn't always the best way to preserve a relationship

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
tip is don't agree to something that you will be
grouchy about later. For the happiness of your future self

(00:24):
and for the sake of your relationship with the person
who is making the request, you may be better off declining.
As I recently heard it put, don't consent and resent.
So in our personal and professional lives, probably all of
us have agreed to things that we know we aren't
going to be happy about. You may also have had

(00:47):
a partner or a colleague consent to a request of
yours and then found yourself on the receiving end of
what feels like unfair resentment. The person said yes but
clearly didn't mean it, and now they are going to
extract revenge in the form of being impossible to be around.

(01:11):
So how do you avoid consenting and resenting? Sometimes we
are not in a great position to decline a proposal.
If your boss assigns you to a project you aren't
thrilled with, you may just need to go along with it.
But other times you may be able to compromise, or
at least reach a place where you won't be bitter

(01:33):
about saying yes. For instance, maybe your partner wants to
host people at your home, which sounds fine, but you
know that you often get stuck with the lion's share
of the extra cleaning involved in making a home company ready.
You can explain to your partner that you will resent
having to do all that. So if your partner would

(01:56):
like you to be happy about hosting people, you will
need to split the list of work that you come
up with. Sometimes we may actually be able to decline
a proposal. Fun fact, you don't have to make your
life harder to accommodate everybody else. This is where the
phrase of don't consent and resent seems especially helpful. Maybe

(02:21):
your friend wants to move your planned lunch date from
Monday to Tuesday, but you know that Tuesday is completely
packed with meetings. While adding a lunch date would theoretically
be possible, it means you'd be rushing all day and
likely need to stay late to get your work done.
If that is the case, don't agree to move the

(02:43):
lunch and then resent that you moved lunch from a
time that was inconvenient for your friend to a time
that was inconvenient for you. Say you can't do it.
You'll either have to find another day that is convenient
for both of you, or possibly do a thing thirty
minute zoom lunch so you don't have to leave your
office or switch to drink some evening. But since you

(03:07):
have a voice in the decision, you don't need to
consent to a plan that you will end up resenting.
Are you worried what your friend will think? I mean maybe,
But here's the thing. Resentment can poison relationships. You may
feel in the moment that consenting is the agreeable and

(03:29):
nice thing to do, but if you are going to
be in a bad mood about it and be angry
at your friend, that is going to come across as
pretty disagreeable. You might actually do better with protecting the
relationship by not introducing a source of bitterness. So don't

(03:50):
consent and resent. You're much better off if you reach
a plan that everyone can live with, then you can
implement the plan with a cheerful spirit. In the meantime,
this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and here's to making
the most of our time. Thanks for listening to before breakfast.

(04:20):
If you've got questions, ideas or feedback. You can reach
me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast
is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia,
please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you

(04:42):
listen to your favorite shows.