Practice friendship skills

Social skills aren’t automatic. Here’s how to improve at them.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.
Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Today's tip is to look for ways to practice your
friendship skills. We might think such skills are innate, but
they aren't. Just as we can learn to play the piano,

(00:24):
we can learn to be more socially engaged people. In
both cases, practice really does work, and it's worth building
into our lives. As with several other recent episodes, I'm
taking this tip from Audrey Monkey's book, Happy Campers. Monkey
is a long time camp director, and her book looks
at why exactly kids find summer camp so fun how

(00:45):
can we take those lessons into our homes and working lives.
She notes that summer camp is basically a friendship factory.
Kids report making some of their best friends in the
short time they attend camp. You can feel closer to
someone you know for three weeks in summer camp, then
someone you've gone to fifth grade with all year. When
you're around people constantly and doing fun things in a

(01:07):
positive environment, you wind up with all kinds of opportunities
to practice your friendship skills. The good news is that
some of this can be replicated elsewhere. Monkey breaks it
down for us. Part of being a good friend is
showing interest in another person's life, and part of this
is about asking good questions so the person can share

(01:29):
a bit of themselves with you. So, before any social situation,
brainstorm questions you might like to ask the people you'll
be around. Think about what your friends have going on
in their lives. Did someone mention a new project last
time you talked? A big event in the family. Can
you connect to shared memory to something that the person
is dealing with now. Maybe some people are naturally brilliant conversationalists,

(01:52):
but a lot of us aren't. Brilliance comes through preparation.
It also comes from asking good follow up questions. You
can completely kill a conversation by saying, oh, that happened
to me once too, and trying to top the story,
even though that sort of seems to show common ground. Instead,
try saying tell me more or asking about details of

(02:15):
the other person's story. Eventually the conversation will turn to
you or not, but if so, who cares. We all
know our own stories and they get boring after a while.
Friendships are also built around shared time together, and that
requires getting together, which is certainly tougher when you're an adult.
Monkey writes about teaching children to make what are called

(02:38):
friendship bids. These are low key invitations. Do you want
to play basketball during recess? Can I sit here while
we're all on the rug listening to the teacher. As adults,
we can look for ways to make friendship bids too.
Given how busy everyone is, these are often best done
through shared activities that the other person might need to
do anyway. So brainstorm ideas, then challenge yourself to make

(03:01):
at least a bit or two a week. If I'm
trying to deepen a friendship, I might invite the other
person to go for a run or a walk with me.
If we have kids around the same age, a plate
might be more doable than an adults only event. At
a conference, you could invite a person go to coffee
or lunch with a small group. The key thing is
to think about how to incorporate people into situations, and

(03:24):
also to recognize that if the person says no, it's
not a big deal. Indeed, that is probably the biggest
friendship skill to practice, staying positive and recognizing that there
are lots of opportunities and lots of people. It's the
best way to seem like the kind of person others
might actually want to be around. Do you practice friendship skills?

(03:44):
Have you gotten better at these skills over time? I'd
love to hear about it. You can email me at
Before Breakfast podcast at i heeart media dot com. In
the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and here's
to making the most of our time. M Hey, everybody,

(04:06):
I'd love to hear from you. You can send me
your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just connect with
me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at Before Breakfast pod.
That's b E the number four, then Breakfast p o D.
You can also shoot me an email at Before Breakfast
podcast at i heeart media dot com. That Before Breakfast

(04:29):
is spelled out with all the letters. Thanks so much.
Should I look forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.