July 30, 2019 • 60 mins
This week Beth and Peter prepare for Bryn’s 5th birthday by rehashing the brown cow cake argument, admitting that they have no plan and then asking the listeners to plan the party for them. Then they prove once again why the podcast deserves reviews titled “A very sexy podcast for parents.”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Oh, let's do it. Welcome we know his parenting. H.
I'm Peter McNerney and I'm Beth Noel, and we are married,
madly and love endlessly devoted to one another's cane. Glowing
children are glowing children. They positively glow. Yeah. Um, when
(00:38):
you look at our kids, do you think, wow, these
are the best looking people I've ever seen. No? Really,
I mean they're my favorite people to look at, But
I've never specifically thought, wow, these are the best looking
people I've ever seen. I mean, I think, like, dang,
these are cute kids up there. You say dang, I say, dang,
(01:03):
it's really creepy. Um. Well, it's the first time I
said that in the last So thank you. Okay. I
love our kids with more of a motherly love. Dang,
you see my kids? Um? Do you do you think
(01:24):
we have attractive children? Yeah? Maybe it perfect boy, we do,
But obviously it doesn't matter. But I think everyone feels
away about their kids. Um, I bet somebody who doesn't,
somebody like me, people that I think the average person
likes their kids. Sure, sure, I'm not saying you don't
like your kids, but I'm sure there are people out
(01:45):
there that they're like, I love my goofy looking kid,
but I think in their goofy looking kids, they're like,
this is the best looking kid ever. Um, maybe you know.
And if you don't think that, and that's fine too.
You shouldn't feel like society is that your child is beautiful.
(02:07):
You're misinterpreting everything I'm saying. I'm not saying. I think
these are, objectively, by societal standards, the most beautiful kids.
I think they are subjectively to me, the best looking
people that world. I agree with a trillion percent. To me,
they're the best looking people because they are the people
I like to look at the most. Yeah. Anyway, they're
(02:30):
gorgeous more than you and I can't get wow. Thank you?
You talked over the compliment party. Um, I can't hear
enough of you. Should we go into a listener question?
Oh no, we got a good listener question later on. Um,
did that listener question make you feel closer to me?
(02:52):
Because it did me to you? Sorry, listeners, you gotta
wa you gotta wait like thirty minutes until we get
into that. Um. What happened this week, my love? We
took our kids to a family party in New Jersey.
It was great. It was the very last minute my
mom was in town hanging out with their sisters there.
(03:14):
As as I get older, I think I enjoy some
of life's simple pleasures more. And there's something about going
to an event with people where your kids are in
a fairly contained space where you can relax, and you're like, Okay,
there's something for them to do here, they're happy, they're safe,
and to adults and I'm talking to adults and then
(03:37):
we're looking over at our giggling children falling on their faces,
and then we get back to our drinks. So it's good.
I was just at a big Story Parts event today,
and you know, we all at the beginning of that
company was a bunch of year olds out of college
doing this fun thing, and somebody shared something of they
(03:59):
did a show this year and it was for the
first time. They were in a van early in the
morning going to New Jersey to do a school show
for a bunch of kids, and they looked around and
realized everyone was in their late twenties or early thirties,
and they were just like, ah, there's minimal bits happening
in the van. Nobody's nobody's trying to outdo each other
with jokes and everyone was just calm and like took
(04:21):
the little nap in the car, and I was like,
I relate to this. Well, I'm so happy to be
in my When we went on vacation with Chuck, the
producer of this podcast, and him and his wife are
a little older than us, and they were like, oh,
we have meals planned and they're very nice, delicious meals,
and our home has everything you can need. It's like,
(04:42):
oh my god, this is so nice these grown ups.
It's like, tell me how to do this please? Oh ah.
So that was great. So getting old this great? Um.
So yeah, My my cousin is getting married and so
she was having her rachelorette party and so her her
(05:05):
sister was in town who has a two and four
year old, and so Brendan Maven got to hang out
with some second cousins they've never met before and they
got along great. And they're two year old. I mean
they're both cute, but the two year old. There's something
so cute about two year olds. Um. He was just
he was like, it's the helplessness. Well, and I think
(05:27):
when it's not your two year old and you're not
dealing with their two year old bullshit all day. It's
like extra cute because he was like he would like
he would like throw, like go to throw a rock,
and someone would say no, and then he'd like pout
and get all sad. And it's like if it was
my kid, I'd be like, oh, he's throwing rocks. Because
it's not my kid, I get to be like, oh
my god, he's so cute. Look at that pouty face.
(05:49):
Well I made him cry. He threw a rock, a
big rock, right past Brendon Maven's head, and so he
was actually dangerous. He didn't maybe he's two, it doesn't know,
but and he looked at me and he had this
strange man looking at him with aggressive eye, and then
he made the most adorable sad face that like excited
(06:10):
face melting into sad. It's the fast melt that really
gets you. And you can't help us see it and go, oh,
it's like a puppy. It's you needed to be scared
into not throwing rocks of people's heads anymore. Um. You know,
when I've probably talked about this before, but when I
was a babysitter for some reason, about a lot of
(06:33):
times babysitting, specifically two year olds, and they're so exhausting
and also like the most perfect little people. I love
that age. They've just just just the age where their
necks have grown grown long enough that it's not full
of like putrid milk in the neck. It's right past
(06:54):
that stage. No, the putrid neck thing is a little earlier.
I don't know that's end after one um. I also
think like the putrid neck phase is like a pretty
adorable phase is I mean, don't get me wrong, everything
about that's adorable except for the putrid neck. When you
(07:15):
lift up that flapping this milks from last week. There's
a simple option, which is that you wash your children.
I still have not learned this. Brind's got a bunch
of like he's got like a pimply butt right now. Well,
it's because he piece buckets every single night into his
pull up and then I don't give him a bath
(07:36):
for a week. It's bad. That's bad parenting. Hey, I'm
a great dad. Sometimes I'm a bad dad. Well, we've
had some really overloaded pull ups in the morning, and
one of those days he crawled into our bed and
left a big peace spot, which was not enjoyable. Okay,
can we talking about it? So, yeah, he crawled in
and then emped and I had to change the sheets,
(07:57):
and I had to take the sheets off of our
and we have like a hyper allergenic cover, which is
a real number to get off. But I pulled off
the top sheet and this hyper alergelic cover has our
permanent sweat stain shapes in them. And I'm very happy
that while my side is grosser, it's not just my side.
(08:22):
But I looked at it and it is. It really
emphasizes how men and women's bodies have a different center
of gravity, because the big splotch for me is up
in the shoulders and the you know, and yours just
sweating straight out of your huge pet. Yeah, and you're
in your in your big old lady butt is just
where all the sweat is. So there's these complementary sweat
(08:46):
stain shapes. It's it's like a primitive cultural representation of us.
It's a cave painting of our love. Well. You know
what I think it's funny about you putting the hypo
allergenic cover back on is every time I walk by
the room, you would be dramatically like, ah, Oh, you're like,
(09:07):
so clearly we're trying to get attention for here's the thing.
I know that I've been guilty of that, but haven't
you been around Britain long enough to note that, like
my body expresses how I'm feeling more more openly than yours. No,
you are directly trying to get my attention. You know what.
(09:28):
I wouldn't dare because I'm known you that if you're
not a monster, you're just you're just overly suspicious. You're
probably right, I don't know anyway. A bet it's nice
and clean now, but that's those stains will never go away.
(09:51):
We're taking that mattress to our grave. That mattress will
be our grave. That mattress is the nicest thing we own.
Hem repedic y'all. It really is the nicest thing we owned.
And now the bed we finally have a bed to
match that. Oh yeah, we we did. We've talked about
the bed, we talked about last week. These episodes just
(10:13):
keep getting sex here and sex here, and it's really hard.
Weel like mattress dirty secret. Now we've talked about our
literal dirty mattress um ever since we forced everyone to
I just want to say, let's talk about our kids.
But um, we've got all those reviews to say, very
sexy podcast for parents. Last week we asked people to
(10:35):
say to give us reviews that say this podcast got
me pregnant. No one's done it yet. Wow. Okay, well
maybe that's a comment on the quality of the joke.
We'll have come up with something better. Made me laugh. Okay.
The other thing will happen this weekend is that you
took our kids to see The Lion King, yes, which
they had a busy Saturday. If you had told me beforehand,
(10:57):
I would have said, there's no way they're going to
sit through that entire movie. I knew it was very
likely they wouldn't make it all the way through. Let
me check them. And then they didn't make it all
the way through, but they made it three quarters of
the way through. I'll tell you what, though, that movie
is boring. Yeah, I could have told you that before
you saw it. I know. I just was trying to
(11:18):
would you take all the good parts out of a
classic movie, like the cart the animation, and the anyway. Um,
so I was just trying to keep him away from
Here's I'm not mad that you took them. It's fine.
I What I think is what frustrates me about this movie,
which I haven't seen, is these live action Disney movies
(11:41):
are just do not seem targeted at children. I know,
but this is it's creating like whole summers of kids
getting dragged to movies that for their parents. The parents
need an excuse for the kids to go see movies.
Parents have their own media. Let kids have good new
kids movies. Well, I mean it was you know, they
(12:06):
enjoyed it. No, I'm but I'm mad that this is
like millions of dollars get put into these movies. Do
you know how much money goes into a Disney movie? Ye,
hundred million dollars. I just get I I have nothing
else the people involved. I just want them to get
to work on more exciting things. I agree this one
(12:26):
was the epitome of what is the point of this
live Actually that one actually seems more legit to me.
But that's what I'm saying. Mulan looks Mulan. The movie,
which I did not see as a child, so I
don't have a beloved connection to it, is lame. Well,
I think there's an argument that the new Mulan is
(12:48):
going to be like equally as culturally reductive and insensitive
as the first. We'll see, well, we'll see the trailer trail.
I saw each Other and I was like, I want
to see but it's not a musical. There's no Eddie
Murphy Dragon. Yeah, I mean I do. I feel like
the good thing about that one is you make it
live action and it's actually creating roles for Asian people
in Hollywood, where as The Lion King just is a
(13:12):
lot of very expensive c G I for not expressive
animals it is. It is almost completely identical. The whole
opening sequence is shot for s. Also, I'm still resentful
that we paid a lot of money to see The
Lion King on Broadway, which was just a word for
word reenactment of the movie garbage. I know people love
that musical and we're your your your feelings are valid,
(13:36):
but it does feel like, oh, you're you're watching the
musical is a copy of a movie, and this is
it's been years and years and years, and this is
like the fort cast. So it feels like a photo
copy of a photo copy of a photocopy. And it
was lifeless and joyless, but it's also just not designed
for the way that kids our aged engaged with TV,
(13:57):
and like it was the same thing when we tried
to get them to watch the live action Jungle Book.
They're not They don't care about that style because real
life animals don't have big emotional No, it's not engaging. Well, okay,
so the thing I was going to say is that
I was asking I was talking to Maven later after
(14:18):
you took her to the movie, and her takeaway from
her first movie experience, having never gone to a movie
theater before. She said, there's lions at the movie theater.
That's like saying the printer U only produces doctor's notes, right,
that's her perceptive. I was just telling someone tonight, like
(14:39):
I was like, They were like, do you give your
kids an allowance? And I was like, no, My kids
don't know understand how money works because we live in
a world where no one's like exchanging dollar bills anymore.
They have no concept of money. Oh yeah, well, Maven
has a penny under her pillow right now, which I
wonder where she got that. Oh well, there's been money
(15:01):
flung around lately. They had that piggy bank and came
from the bank she's like, take the money out, and
I just gave her a penny that was in my
pocket and then she ran over to put it under
her pillow, so she must have seen it too well.
I was. I was when I was going to try
to bring our new neighbors like some baked goods, and
I was trying to get the kids out in the
hall to say hello and do that, and then our
(15:22):
neighbors weren't home. I was like pulling something out of
my pocket and kind of threw it towards our apartment,
and then I didn't realize there was like change in
my pocket, so I dropped change everywhere, like you know,
a few things, and Brent spotted it outside of the
door to our apartment and he quickly was like kicking
it into our home, like he didn't want us to
(15:42):
lose it to the outside. He was like, we got
to get it in. And it's like it was like
he had this weird possessiveness towards money, which we never
talked about with them. That's so funny. Uh, you know,
I just realized, what how do kids learn phone numbers
when they don't ever have to dial a phone? Well,
(16:08):
they don't. I don't know. The other thing I was
thinking about this week is I was like, should we
get a landline at some point? Are we do our
kids know how to call nine one one? I guess
they'll do it on the phone, But then sometimes there's
just not a cell phone around. Yes, there is. I
mean unless we leave we leave them alone. We got
(16:28):
to talk about at some point we're going to have
to leave them alone. And I will be resisting getting
them their own phones for as long I think they're
old enough to be left alone. Before they're old enough
when you want them to have a cell phone problem,
So what are we going to do? Computers? Computers can't
call mine on one? Can they? Listeners? Tell us? I
(16:49):
think you can? I think you can. Well, you can
send a text, and you can get a text from
a computer. You can send a text from the computer. Yeah,
through my computer you can. But like, what's the system
you would actually teach your kids to use? You know
what by the time they're old enough. That's all going
to change in the next five years, we hope. But
(17:10):
you have faith in our government right not going to
be about the you know, have you when's the last
time you saw that the government do something good for us.
I got my mail today. Um, I just want to
say one last thing. So Brain has been really into
the planets and so he had a cool Soldiar system book.
(17:30):
The book is called the Sun. What's it called the Sun?
Pretty big deal something like that. Yeah, it's great. It's
really you know, planets and soldiar systems and galaxies and
all that are tough to wrap your brain around when
you're really little bit brings almost five now, and he
gets it. He's really becoming like fact oriented later. Oh,
(17:51):
I love him so much. I love explaining things. And um,
so we got home really late in New Jersey the
other night, and so it was the first time in
a while that we've been outside and they could see stars.
So Britain and I sat outside. I got my app
out that lets you see where all the planets are,
and he was really into it. And so then we
(18:11):
got in bed and I was like, it's too late
for books. But I turned out the light and we
looked at the app and pointed it around and it
shows where all the real stars actually are. And it
also if you pointed at a constellation, it'll then the
image of the constellation will appear over the map of
the stars and we went by Aquarius, which is a guy,
(18:32):
you know, pouring water out of a jug, and we
saw and brand with no hesitation just goes, whoa dude,
you're spilling your water. And now it's signed for a
(18:54):
brand new segment called Do He Knows? This is where
we talk about something that's coming up and figure out
if we knows what we're gonna do or what's up.
And this week's Do We Knows it's all about Brent's birthday. Yeah,
so in classic US style, Um, life is creeping up
(19:15):
on us very rapidly. You're gonna say, passing us by. Well, yes,
with well, life happens fast when you're having fun. What's
the quote? Oh yeah, that's life happens fast when you're
having fun. Um, we as usual have not prepared or
thought about some an event that is imminent. And Bryn
(19:36):
is about to turn five, and I keep realizing this.
People will ask me how old he is, and I'm like, well,
he's about to turn five in a month. And he's
about to turn five, and oh my god, it's like
two weeks. We haven't bought any presents or planned anything. Um,
he doesn't have a birthday party. I love keeping the
bar low for a long time. I asked him. I
was like, because we were at his buddy Lucas's house
(20:00):
also on Saturday. We did three big things on Saturday,
and it's a birthday is coming up, and we invited
Lucas and I go Brinton, who else should we invite?
And he goes, um, I think four people, And I said,
you don't know who he goes, not just four people,
And I was thinking, of my mind, great expectations are low.
(20:21):
That being said, reminder, we're going to a birthday party
on Saturday for one of his daycare, which I know
is already like time to have more planned than what
we've got going. Oh, there was an invitation. They had
a formal invitation over a month prior to the party,
like grown ups would. Yeah, they're very organized, the adults.
(20:44):
And they've got a pool and it's going to be
a pool party. Yeah. I just hope there's not a
million kids. So Britton thinks that's about a birthday party. Yeah,
I'm sorry, but you said four. I do think if
we had a home it would really facilitate more parties. Great,
we have a home, we don't have a house. Okay,
but like it's the second there's more than like two
(21:05):
people in here outside of our immediate family. It's like crowded. Yeah,
should we go family route. We can go to Brooklyn
and just do all family. We're probably gonna have to
do another like weird sporadic mix of parties with various
people in various places. Let's just do two little ones.
(21:26):
Let's go to Brooklyn and invite all the family. Where
who's hosting. We'll go to Nick and Julius. We go
to Sam's got a new place. We love to invite
ourselves over our friends and families homes to let them
let us host parties in their homes. Nick and Julia
are two our closest friends. Um, they've got a wonderful
(21:47):
daughter two years old. Our closest friends, our dearest friends.
She's too right. Um, they've got this great apartment and
we provite ourselves over. I think they like it when
we come to visit. I just think it's a lot.
Whenever we ask someone to like extra people, that's like
a lot to ask. No. No, I I don't really
(22:10):
think we should put much people there. We go to
my brother's house. He got a new apartment. His wife
is very pregnant. We all met on the pat are
very pregnant. Sister in law would love to host many
people at our home. They'd rather do that than come
to Westchester. Am I right? Alright? Am I right? All?
Am I right, al am I right? Groundhog Day? Am
(22:33):
I coining groundhog Day? Wait? But the big question is really,
what are we going to get our kids for Okay birthday?
We haven't, so I think we should get him a bicycle.
Um where we put on the bike room. We have
to get a new bike room. Key. This is the
best argument for owning a house where you put your
fucking bike. I like sometimes people ask me about like
(22:58):
if I would ever leave me or city, and like, my,
I'm so quickly. I know we're not physically in New
York City, but it's still like we're are living here
is a symptom of New York City. So it's I'm
always just so immediately like I'm trying to be as
nice as possible, but I'm like this city is unlivable.
What you have to understand about having kids here is
that the quality of life is so much lower than
(23:21):
anywhere else where. We're shuffling items around in a bike room. Um,
I wish they'd throw our old bikes away so we'd
have more room in that bike room. Did they ever?
They would keep threatening it, and every time I go
back down there, all of our broken bikes are down there.
We need to get a key to the bike room.
That's not hard. I just haven't done it. We need
(23:42):
to inflate those tires. Okay, So we'll get him a
bike and teach both our kids ride bikes and get
two more bikes. And I'm going to buy him more
Doctor Sus books because there's a bunch more and he's
really into him and I want to read them. Okay,
if it's for his birthday, fine, Yeah, it's for his birthday.
(24:05):
That's all I could really think of. I was like,
he does love books. I do think now we should
get in something science e. So if anyone has suggestions
for like very like rudimentaries like dinosaurs, there's planets or
human body or something potato battery animals. Yeah, I think
(24:25):
he's starting to get more into like understanding how things work.
Nerds stuff. Yeah, we got a little nerd on our hands. Jealous. Um, also,
as you know, storytelling characters stuff yeah, I do want
to like think it through though, because I think when
(24:46):
you think about it and then you look online, if
you're like, oh, science, there is cool stuff out there.
But if you don't have a plan and you walk
into a toy store, it's just like you're walking out
with some rec It's just so many different we branded
packagings of Plato and ship that you already have at home,
and it's just like, I don't no one needs this anymore.
(25:07):
You know we should do for his birthday is throw
away most of the toys we have in this apartment.
You're such a good dad. I'm just okay, let me
say the rest of the time. I just cleaned out
a bunch of toys. Actually, because my sister has been
volunteering at the um the I'm blanking on words. Were
the toy place? No, the the immigration court? Can I talk, um, Yes,
(25:36):
you can even doing a great job. My sisters been
volunteering at the immigration courts and she is they're sort
of like watching people's kids while they deal with the
ongoing bullshit that our country creates for them. And she
has was asking for some toys and things for the
little kids to play with that like quiet toys so
that they could be occupied while their parents are trying
(25:57):
to figure out if they're allowed to live their lives
any weren't in our bad country. Um, what a great
way to get rid of toys. Yeah, I was. Actually
when she asked me, I was like, Oh, I'm so
glad to have this very simple thing I can actually
do to help someone instead of like feeling like I
will never have enough money to save the world. And
(26:18):
then it made me go through our bookshelf, which was
very satisfying, and I got rid of a bunch of books.
It was very curious why you were giving Allie a
big bag of toys. She's an adult woman. But now
you've explained it. Yeah, well you didn't let me finish
my thought, which was for his birthday. I didn't. I said,
(26:39):
for his birthday, I went throwing all his toys so
that I can then buy him new things and he
won't notice that they're gone. As long as you throw
stuff away when they're not in the home, they won't
remember it because they're dumb. Our kids are so stupid.
There's so much stuff here. And then but the problem is,
(26:59):
so I took I tied up some books and I
was throwing them away and I there was one little
stack and the second I tied up these garbage books
that our kids never look at. The second brand saw
that there was like something happening with those books. He
was like, I want these get untied. These what's going
on here? Like they looked so special to him. This
(27:20):
is like you turned him and you put him into
the shape of a present. But they're just like the
literal worst books we have. And uh. And then it
was I was just like so scared they would find
the bag of toys I was giving away because it's
just like toddler plastic. I'm like, you don't care about
these things. But the same thing happened when our baby,
(27:42):
our old babysitter came over and her we were giving
her son some toddler toys and and Bran was like, no,
those are my favorite toys. It's just like it becomes
so tantalizing. Oh yeah, you take anything away, I still love.
When he went over, we wanted to take on Julia's
and we probably invited ourselves and they had so many
(28:04):
of our old toys, and friends like, wow, they have
the same toys us. We're all laughing. You idiot. Maybe
we can make my sister hostess. Um, she's our best.
But in terms of family, who is willing to do
literally any dumb thing we asked of her? What a sucker,
(28:28):
I mean, somebody that we really couldn't do this without
appreciate it. He's very helpful and she baby thought yesterday
and I had like two things planned that I was
really excited about, and she was kind of sick, and
I was just like, well, I gotta go. I was
like so happy to get out, and I was so
glad that she came over while she was not feeling
great in the world. Um. Okay, So here's the other
(28:57):
big thing. As listeners, you're helping us plan Brand's birthday
parab That's what this whole segment is is where you
send us emails to tell us how to do it better.
But the cake. So it seems crazy to me that
the brown cow How now brown cow cake episode was
a year ago. I thought it was like yesterday, you
(29:18):
know what I mean. Anyway, if you didn't listen, there's
an episode about Brand getting asking for a brown cow cake.
Oh my god, you're going to twist this whole story.
It's we've already you already. I didn't even tell the
story yet. What part of it do you think I'm
gonna I'm gonna bullshit? You know, you know the one
(29:40):
where I got it into a disagreement with the cake design. Yeah,
when you pressured them to decorate a cowcake in a
very specific, strange way. Pressured them, you mean hired them,
paid them money. Listeners, go back if you want to
hear this argument, you definitely don't want to hear us.
Have it a wait, what what are you criticizing me for?
(30:03):
I gave them the picture and they put on the cake,
and they did a great job and it ended up grade.
But this woman did not believe that cows were brown,
and so to prove her. I don't think that was what.
I don't think that she didn't believe. No, she did
not believe that cows. That's not true. You got defensive,
and I heard the story listeners from go back and
(30:26):
listen to the story on the original podcast. Oh boy,
this is a great test of our memories because it's recorded.
I know what you said when you told the story.
I know how the story went down. Is you went
in asked for a brown cow cake. She's you said,
you know, a white cow with brown spots, and she said,
(30:49):
do you mean black spots? Because that's normally what people
picture when they see a cow. And then you felt
so insulted by being correct to that you demanded the
cake have brown spots and forced them to very specifically
design a cow with brown pot You know what's so
(31:11):
insane about what's happening right now is I was the
only one of the two of us who was there.
What part of my telling him that story was different
from how it happened. Ok What was very weird about
this was this woman insisting that cows were not brown.
And the only reason I insisted on the cake being
brown the cow being brown, is that Bryn asked for
(31:33):
a brown cow. Okay, but one of three year old
is saying they want a brown cow on a cake,
like they're just they just mean a cow. Okay, You're
going to be mad if they give you a cow
with black spots. But you but the great offense to
(31:55):
this woman. She was rude. She looked at me like
I was stupid, and I I admittedly, I was like,
I'm going to prove this rude woman wrong, and I did.
And then she's like okay, well what do you want
me to put on the cake? And okay, but you
just prefaced this story as though like our son demanded brown,
(32:21):
so specifically he said brown cow. He probably wouldn't have cared.
If I had said, you know, like a brown cow
spots and they gave me a cow black spots, I
wouldn't have cared. I just from my perspective, I see,
you know, a blue collar woman working her cake decorating job,
and uh, she's rude, bearded, old white man comes in
(32:44):
asking for some interpretation of what his child said, and
she's trying to clarify. Okay, But to know me in public,
I am the last person to cause problems. I will
if somebody brings me something I didn't order, I'm the
first person to eat it because I don't want there
to be any conflict. I'm just saying. She was like, Okay,
(33:04):
this guy wants a cake. Okay, does he eat? Know
what he's talking about because he's going to call me
back if I get it wrong. So let me clarify this.
I know. Okay, have you worked a service job? Yeah?
I have, and I a boy. It was stressful. I'm saying.
(33:26):
She's viewing you through the eye of someone who deals
with so many ridiculous people every day, all day. And
so she's like, sir, do you think you mean black
and white cow? You weren't there. I have worked several
service jobs in high school and college and after college,
(33:47):
and I know about people, and I am right your
your perception of the world is right. I'm right that
she was rude. Anyway, can you celebrate Fid's birthday? We're
going to have this argument every single we are. This
is going to be the thing that he's like, oh God,
(34:09):
they're going to tell that cake story every year. You
weren't even there, So what should we put in the
I'm basing this off of exactly what you told me happened.
Listeners can go back and listen. But now you're arguing
with me about my telling of Anyway, a purple cow
(34:30):
came up in conversation. Was that Bryn's idea recently? Maybe? Yeah,
I don't know we're gonna do a purple cow. I'm
gonna go in and say, hey, can I get a
purple cow? You know, like a purple cow. We should
ask him closer to when you get the actual cake,
because all of these are just again, completely meaningless, offhand
comments of a small child. No, I don't think we
(34:51):
should ask him at all. Let's get him a son cake.
He'll think it's cool. Let's get him a skeleton cake.
Let's get him a mummy cake. Other things he would love.
Let's get him a Pluto cake. He would love that.
He's real upset that Pluto's not a planet? Is he
not upset? But he's like he argued it for a
(35:12):
while and then I explained to him the dwarf planet thing,
but he just he's still rooting for Pluto. I would
argue that there's things he cares about more than Pluto,
like penguins, marks, dinosaurs, um, Barry Onyx. We had told
his story tonight. White tailed deer. I was impressed with that.
(35:33):
We did on our way home from your family on Saturday,
we saw a deer outside the window. So we stopped
the car and let them look, and Brian was like, no,
that's not a deer. Or he was like do you
know what Yeah, and we're like, what kind of deer is?
And he said a white tailed deer. Yeah, that's I
(35:54):
think that's right. And he keeps watching the Wild Crats Show,
which is very educational. Let's plug Kratz. Wildcats is a
great chill those guys. They're a little cheesy, but it's
a good show. Um, it's not for you, Peter, it's
for children. But I have to watch it. You don't
(36:16):
have to. You don't understand me. I have to stop
trying to make children's entertainment for adult It's my job
as children's entertainment. I care about it. Um. But yes,
so it's Poluto his favorite thing. No, but if we
got him that cake, he would love it. Other things
(36:37):
everything you listed. Oh, anyway, the story we told tonight,
I said what was our main what's our main character?
And he said Barry Onyx, which is a very specific
kind of dinosaur, And his name ended up being Gary
Gary the Barry Onics, And I thought that was funny.
(37:07):
This next segment is called would you Knows? That's where
we present each other with parenting hypotheticals. I got one.
We haven't written one for each other in a while,
and I got one. And I think I feel like
maybe this has come up in some context, but um,
it has not happened to us. In this scenario, you
(37:30):
and I, Beth are making love. Wow, this is a
very sexy podcast. This is a very sexy podcast for parents. Um,
there's no sheets. Where are Why is there no sheets?
It's hot, it's like right now, it's like eighty two degrees.
There's no sheets on the bed. They're flung off in
(37:53):
a fit of passion. More likely our children flowing them off.
It's true. Before they went to bed, they pull the
sheets off and dragged them all the way to the
living room to be turtles turtle ghosts, which happened tonight. Okay,
so I'm in a sexy mood. What's happening now? You're
in a sexy mood. You're in the middle of it. Okay,
it's very naked. It's sitting completely exposed. So like how
(38:15):
sex is, like, yeah, exposed. I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe some people do it with most of their clothes on.
I don't know. The sheets. The five thing you're saying,
the sheets are gonna implies that our normal sex routine
is to dig down deep under the sheets, completely cocooned
in blankets. I like to cover us both up in
(38:36):
a down comforter us. No one can see, including us
our shame. The lights are on. The lights are on
full it's it's a weird we didn't plan it, you know,
it's a fit of passion just started happening. So I
was going to continue to interrupt you. Someone recently was
I saw someone repeating some celebrity gossip. They heard about
(38:57):
a certain male celebrity who's like supposed to be closeted gay.
But the rumor was that he has sex with men
through a sheet, which is just such an old, like
outdated don't like. I was, like, you think that this
is real gossip about a celebrity and not maybe like
a weird embellishment of a rumor like sex. Like the yeah,
(39:24):
sex sushi is like an old, bad Jewish stereotype or something.
I don't know. It's just not something actual people do
as far as I know. But if it does, I
want to hear about it. Anyway, continue the story we're having.
We're not having sex through anything except through the night.
Our usual sex sheet that we keep between us during sex.
(39:46):
It's at the cleaners. It's shredded, it's gone. Um so
let's just say we've we've really got into it. Um.
Our minds are elsewhere. There's it's it's a bit vocal,
(40:07):
and we are interrupted by mommy, daddy, what are you doing?
And we look in there there is Britain. He's five
years old, so this is mommy and Um. We separate
and looking there's and there's Brenat and he sees everything
(40:29):
and he's right there, and Maven's right next to him.
To maven space, she's also there and she says, go
go go whoa Mommy Daddy yea. She probably would just
repeat whatever Bread said, what are you doing? Um? The
(40:50):
sheets are all in the living room, so you can't
even grab a sheet to cover up. We're on stage.
We are exposed. We have been confronted and asked what
is going on? I know some parents have dealt with this.
We have not. What do you do? What do you do? Well?
(41:12):
There uh at an age where I feel like I
don't feel obligated to specifically explain that we've been having sex. Um.
I think that would create more questions than answers, you
know what I mean, And so I would lie, or
(41:33):
I would give some simplified version of the truth, and
I would say, mommy and Daddy are having cuttle time.
It's a private time. You need to go to bed,
Get the funk out of here. Would that come out
as go, get go shoot get No. What if I
ever said shoot, I'm paraphrasing, um No. I wouldn't talk
(41:59):
to them like I would talk to a cake decorator
who I was displeased with. Maybe you should try, Maybe
you should try, I said, brown cow, ma'am, go back
there and make it again. UM. I think I would
(42:20):
explain it to them. Not in that moment. I would
be panicked and I would feel exposed, and um, I'd
have to explain the anatomy. How would you explain it
to them? Later you bring it back up and you're like, hey,
you know that really awkward moment earlier when you half
asleep woke up and saw my balls banging around in bed?
(42:46):
Say that three times fast. I know your children might
have some questions about what you saw there that night
it was. I would say, remember that book you read,
that's what was going on. Remember that book You don't
(43:07):
remember that real sexy book you read? Where do I
come from? Rememberone knows mommy and Daddy were in the bathtub.
I feel uncomfortable with that, because, again I think I
already explained this on another podcast episode, is that the
language in those books is strangely florid in the descriptors
(43:30):
in certain ways. Do you say, yeah, like do you
mean lurid? Both, It's like very um, It's like I
feel like they're using words that are like unnecessarily descriptive
in a way that I don't want to speak of
it with my children. Are also avoiding literal terminology exactly,
(43:55):
like I think you could get to the point in
a less disgusting way that I have. We have to
get this book and read some of it sometime to
actually explain what I'm trying to say. But yeah, just
just it describes it as like a very nice tickle
and a cuddle, and it's like it gets very but
(44:16):
you know what I didn't have. It wasn't until remember
I remember reading probably that exact book, and things like
that haven't explained to me. And the image in my
head was very weird. And it wasn't until you had
sex with a human being. Yeah, that I was like, oh, tickle, no, No, Honestly,
(44:39):
it was seeing scrambled porn, which is a very specific
Oh that's what woman wants. This is exactly how women
like it. It's I mean just that the the like
the performance obviously, the motion of sex. Okay, well, you're
(45:01):
really affirming that we need some better sex education, and
that was I'm saying. If I had an image like
that as a a kid, suddenly there's a real thing
to compare to. I do think I feel like, maybe
I've talked about this before, so I'm trying to not
have to talk to you long. But I do think
that high school sex education should more graphically explain the
(45:25):
dynamics of male and female orgasm, because when they talk
about men, they talk about orgasms and wet dreams and stuff,
and then when they talk about women, they're just like
a baby is going to come out immediately, and they
never get into the mechanics of how women's bodies work.
It's like, women also have orgasm muscle. We also have
(45:46):
certain parts of the vagina that do certain things that
should ideally be manipulated in certain ways that I think
we could tell teens. I think I got more of
that than you did. They told you how female organ
some works. They explained the clitterest and g spot, and yeah,
(46:07):
in high school maybe, yeah, yeah, I'm very skeptical they didn't.
I got it in fifth grade and then in middle school,
and then in high school. They did not talk about
that the first time. It was in high school. I
remember I had a health class that was very very
(46:28):
straightforward about things. Um, I bet, I hope it's better now.
I bet. I mean, I bet. Though also it's it's
all over the place because every every state has their own,
their own, you know whatever. I just think it was
like it was similar to DARE in the sense that
it was highly ineffective and only told you a lot
(46:52):
of like the negative repercussions. Yeah, I still got a
lot of that, but my high school was much more,
uh a lot less fear based than I remembered earlier.
And what I've heard from all my peers, Um, I
think I had a pretty good one. But I hope
it's better. I just remember like it was so like
(47:14):
it just always felt so male focused, and which is
insane considering the reproductive system exists in a woman. And
then uh like there like I remember there being like
a question box where you could anonymously ask questions to
the health teacher about sex. And someone asked, can I
(47:38):
get birth control without my parents knowing? And the health teacher,
who was a man, he was like, yeah, you can
buy condoms at any store, and it was like then
he just moved on, like it was like he didn't
he didn't understand what the questioner meant by birth control,
(47:59):
Like do you know that person wasn't talking about condoms.
When I was in middle school, they specifically had a
female teacher joined the class we were into. I was
a man and a woman there, I think for exactly
this reason. Well, we did when we were younger, but
then there are certain years where we just had one teacher.
In high school, actually health classes got split into uh
(48:21):
it was just a boy's class. Now that you mentioned it,
I do think a woman would have taught that class better. Interesting.
Um anyway, so I'd explain it and Beth would lie,
m all right, that is, would you notice? And now
(48:44):
it's time for listeners want to those We got one
quick email. We teased it earlier and here it is
continuing a theme for this episode. Hi, Beth and Peter.
I love listening to you guys weekly. Kind of a
new listener, but I have been binging older episodes. I
have two kids, almost three year old daughter and a
five month old son. I love being a mom, and
(49:06):
while I definitely get a lot wrong, I still think
I'm a kick ass mom, so do we, but I
think that makes me struggle with my role as a wife.
All my energy goes to my kids, and I feel
my marriage suffering. My husband and I love each other
dearly and don't fight too often, but I don't think
we spend enough time together just us. We try for
(49:27):
a date night monthly and a mini trip at least
one time a year, if not too I just feel
a little disconnected from him, though. How do you guys
keep your marriage quote unquote so sexy? How do you
stay connected with while raising two kids side to side?
My two year old is an awful sleeper and so
we co sleep with her. Not ideal, but it works
(49:50):
for us for now. So yeah, the bedroom doesn't see
much sexy time. Thanks for any advice, Susan, and I
just want to say this subject plane to this email. Um.
It was my favorite, and it was how do you
keep your marriage so sexy? Beth? How do you? How
(50:11):
do we do it? Um? So, the things you mentioned about,
like date nights, we are very bad at and I
do think it's important and we should probably be better
at it, but I think our specific career does not
lend itself to having mutual nights free. Honestly, this is
(50:32):
our day night, This is our couples therapy, which is
our day night. This has kept us honestly closer than
we would be otherwise. That's true. This is the only
time we really fully debrief about anything. Um. I will
say in terms of the like sexy time, whatever, boy time,
(50:54):
whatever you want to call it. When brain was too
and Maven was, I guess about the same age for
four months old, there was not a lot of that
going on. No, how old did she say her kid
was five months and three year old? I thought it
was two year old. No, one of them is close sleeping,
so I think it was a baby, Uh, three year
(51:17):
old daughter and five month old sons. Yeah, so we
were close sleeping at that time, and I think co
sleeping is a blessing and it saves you a lot
of sleep, which is very vital at that stage. Um,
if she's co sleeping, chance that she's probably breastfeeding, which sorry,
it's almost three year old, so it's he's she is too,
(51:39):
So I was okay, not talking about that. But anyway, Um,
the when you're breastfeeding, your hormones are still way out
of whack. And then I hear this with women so
many times about so many issues, like with trying to
lose weight postpartum, or if they're suffering from uh diastis recti,
(52:02):
which is when you're an abdominant muscle separate. There's a
lot of things ways your body is not able to
recover well when you're still breastfeeding. And I think for
a lot of women, sex is still not desirable or
sometimes even really on the table because their body just
as like, no, shut it down. I've got stuff going
on over here, Like the body just doesn't want to
(52:24):
focus on that right now. It's got a lot of
other stuff going on. And so you can still have sex.
But I think for a lot of women, like the
desires not there, the moisture is not there down there,
the sometimes they're still healing from birth injuries, Like there's
(52:45):
a million different things they're just physically, your body is
still healing from pregnancy. We really in our country, we
really under emphasize the amount of physical recovery your body
needs to come back to quote unquote normal at your baby.
And it's obviously not the same for everybody, exactly, no,
and it's not. And but I mean, what my midwife
(53:07):
did say to me at one point was like, it
should take roughly the same amount of time for your
body to go back to some semblance of what it
was as it took you to get here, which is,
you know, ten months of being pregnant, and it's like
that's your body just needs to recover and sometimes you
(53:28):
have to just accept that it's not where you would
like it to be. Yeah. I think for our experience,
there was a long stretch especially um, I mean May
even happened because it had been like almost two years
of very little of that, and then suddenly Bryn was
(53:49):
like in the other room and we suddenly realized. We
suddenly like we got sleep for like one night, and
we like got to ahead got pregnant again. You were ovulating,
and our bodies were like time for another one. Yeah. Well,
as I always say, ovulation makes you horny as fuck.
(54:10):
Um me too just being near it. Um So, but yeah,
you got you got a five round two ye old. Yeah,
we were. There was nothing going on, but and in
postpartum with May even, as I said before, there's like
a lot of health issues going on. And I know
part of actually why I caught my thyroid cancer. Is
(54:33):
that I went for my six week check up postpartum
or no no, no six months check up, and I
had gotten an I u D inserted maybe at like
my six weeks check up or something. It's because it's
easier to insert it when you're relatively recently postpartum. So
I was like, let me just get this side of
the way and not be pregnant for as long as
(54:53):
possible ever again. And so I got that, and so
then in my six months, my you know, my midwife
was like, so, how is the i U D working
like with sex? Can you feel it during sex? And
I was like what? And she was like, your husband like,
is the string like it's softened up or I guess
the strings kind of softened up inside you after time.
(55:15):
And I was like, she's asking me this question. I
was like, I don't know. I was like, I haven't
having sex. I am so tired. I was like, I
was just like, I haven't really, I haven't having sex.
I'm just so tired. And she was like she's like
she like kind of looked at me like concerned. And
at the time, I was like, why does she not
(55:36):
understand that I would have zero energy? For sex when
I'm postpartum. But then she felt my thyroid gland and
realized it was swollen. And then this led to a
series of tests that made you realize I was hypothyroid
and also a thyroid cancer. And it was like, oh,
maybe I should have had like a little bit of
zest for life six months out. You know, I don't know,
(55:59):
I I don't know. Um. Well, so I think the
you know, the advice is one i'd say like, yeah,
I think it's it's it's great to talk about the like, oh,
let's have some dedicated time to be together. Um, I
think that's really healthy. But you know, one, give yourself
(56:22):
a break. You've got a five month old and in
almost three year old. Well. I also think with women
at this stage sometimes I mean, this is her second kid,
so I think they kind of know how things work.
But sometimes I think, like, this is not what she's saying.
So I'm not saying this is what's happening here. But
sometimes I feel like women are getting pressure from their
husbands to like start back up with sex, and they're like,
(56:44):
why are you not in the mood, And meanwhile the
woman is like, it hasn't slept in days, the house
is a mess. All she sees his chores and hungry mouths,
and the man is like asking her for one more thing,
and she's like what, Like it just doesn't compute, and
(57:04):
the man doesn't like think straight and realize like, oh,
maybe if I like clean the bathroom that hasn't been
cleaned in three months or made her a real meal,
she might be in the mood, Like she might actually
be relaxed for once. Yeah, that might. Obviously, again, we
have no idea what your situation is, but I think
(57:24):
that it's true for a lot of people because there's
a for for me, for us, that was when there's
a huge, like a big change in just how we
functioned and how we we and how I took care
of things. Uh, and so so much is changing. Your
whole routine is changing. Um. And so there's so much
(57:46):
attached to that that makes things difficult. It's a strain
on the relationship. Um, that's all mixed in. So it's
it's you're not just dealing with this one thing, You're
dealing with everything. But it's like she should take care
of herself, get some resk at all for regular checkups,
make sure she's fine. Get that baby out of her
face for a minute. And if her husband, like I
(58:07):
still think five months out is like pretty hard to
do a date night, depending on breastfeeding and other factors.
So it's like really hard to imagine that that, like
them getting a drink together is going to be the
tipping point. I really think like if her husband cleans
the whole house, puts her in her bed with like
a book or a trashy show or something, and she's
(58:28):
he's like, I'm putting the kids to bed. You get
to relax, take a bath, whatever you need for like
a full hour, she's going to be ready. She will,
I think, be like okay, at the very least, she
might be like, I'll open up this bottle of lube,
and you know, like at the very least she'll open
(58:49):
a bottle. I says that, like, you know, feel free
to like set some goals and to set up some
date nights and all that, but forgive yourself when it
doesn't happen. Don't put pressure on yourself, Like, don't put
pressure on those events when you're like, we're spending time
(59:10):
together and this is important and we need to do it.
Sometimes I feel like that defeats the purpose of it. Well,
somewhere someone into this podcast. Like when you don't have
any time to talk to one another through an entire
week and then you finally do, it's like sometimes there's
going to be issues that pop up that you haven't
dealt with, and then the date night turns into a
(59:30):
fight night. Like I think that is so common with
like stressed out, tired parents as they're like, oh, good,
we're finally alone together and then they realize there's like
a laundry list of simmering issues for the relationship and like,
and you've made date night complicated. Yeah, And I mean,
but I do think that is maybe part of why
(59:52):
date night is good. You just need to do it
more often. But um, it's not necessarily going to be
the sexiest night right off the bad your best? What
you gonna do with me? Cool? Think about it. This
has been another episode We Knows Parenting. If you'd like
(01:00:13):
to send us an email, you can do so and
we Knows pod at gmail dot com. I'll check our
website We Knows Parenting dot com. Uh, leave it, leave
us a review if you don't want to say this
podcast got our pregnant, got us pregnant, say this podcast
got her pregnant. Podcast got her pregnant, and then write
(01:00:33):
it like it's uh. Reddit Relationships post about how this
podcast got your girlfriend pregnant and you're confused about what
to do. You can also find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook,
and we knows pod um and boy gosh, it's been
a good it's been a good one. Have a good
night by
Oh, let's do it. Welcome we know his parenting. H.
I'm Peter McNerney and I'm Beth Noel, and we are married,
madly and love endlessly devoted to one another's cane. Glowing
children are glowing children. They positively glow. Yeah. Um, when
(00:38):
you look at our kids, do you think, wow, these
are the best looking people I've ever seen. No? Really,
I mean they're my favorite people to look at, But
I've never specifically thought, wow, these are the best looking
people I've ever seen. I mean, I think, like, dang,
these are cute kids up there. You say dang, I say, dang,
(01:03):
it's really creepy. Um. Well, it's the first time I
said that in the last So thank you. Okay. I
love our kids with more of a motherly love. Dang,
you see my kids? Um? Do you do you think
(01:24):
we have attractive children? Yeah? Maybe it perfect boy, we do,
But obviously it doesn't matter. But I think everyone feels
away about their kids. Um, I bet somebody who doesn't,
somebody like me, people that I think the average person
likes their kids. Sure, sure, I'm not saying you don't
like your kids, but I'm sure there are people out
(01:45):
there that they're like, I love my goofy looking kid,
but I think in their goofy looking kids, they're like,
this is the best looking kid ever. Um, maybe you know.
And if you don't think that, and that's fine too.
You shouldn't feel like society is that your child is beautiful.
(02:07):
You're misinterpreting everything I'm saying. I'm not saying. I think
these are, objectively, by societal standards, the most beautiful kids.
I think they are subjectively to me, the best looking
people that world. I agree with a trillion percent. To me,
they're the best looking people because they are the people
I like to look at the most. Yeah. Anyway, they're
(02:30):
gorgeous more than you and I can't get wow. Thank you?
You talked over the compliment party. Um, I can't hear
enough of you. Should we go into a listener question?
Oh no, we got a good listener question later on. Um,
did that listener question make you feel closer to me?
(02:52):
Because it did me to you? Sorry, listeners, you gotta
wa you gotta wait like thirty minutes until we get
into that. Um. What happened this week, my love? We
took our kids to a family party in New Jersey.
It was great. It was the very last minute my
mom was in town hanging out with their sisters there.
(03:14):
As as I get older, I think I enjoy some
of life's simple pleasures more. And there's something about going
to an event with people where your kids are in
a fairly contained space where you can relax, and you're like, Okay,
there's something for them to do here, they're happy, they're safe,
and to adults and I'm talking to adults and then
(03:37):
we're looking over at our giggling children falling on their faces,
and then we get back to our drinks. So it's good.
I was just at a big Story Parts event today,
and you know, we all at the beginning of that
company was a bunch of year olds out of college
doing this fun thing, and somebody shared something of they
(03:59):
did a show this year and it was for the
first time. They were in a van early in the
morning going to New Jersey to do a school show
for a bunch of kids, and they looked around and
realized everyone was in their late twenties or early thirties,
and they were just like, ah, there's minimal bits happening
in the van. Nobody's nobody's trying to outdo each other
with jokes and everyone was just calm and like took
(04:21):
the little nap in the car, and I was like,
I relate to this. Well, I'm so happy to be
in my When we went on vacation with Chuck, the
producer of this podcast, and him and his wife are
a little older than us, and they were like, oh,
we have meals planned and they're very nice, delicious meals,
and our home has everything you can need. It's like,
(04:42):
oh my god, this is so nice these grown ups.
It's like, tell me how to do this please? Oh ah.
So that was great. So getting old this great? Um.
So yeah, My my cousin is getting married and so
she was having her rachelorette party and so her her
(05:05):
sister was in town who has a two and four
year old, and so Brendan Maven got to hang out
with some second cousins they've never met before and they
got along great. And they're two year old. I mean
they're both cute, but the two year old. There's something
so cute about two year olds. Um. He was just
he was like, it's the helplessness. Well, and I think
(05:27):
when it's not your two year old and you're not
dealing with their two year old bullshit all day. It's
like extra cute because he was like he would like
he would like throw, like go to throw a rock,
and someone would say no, and then he'd like pout
and get all sad. And it's like if it was
my kid, I'd be like, oh, he's throwing rocks. Because
it's not my kid, I get to be like, oh
my god, he's so cute. Look at that pouty face.
(05:49):
Well I made him cry. He threw a rock, a
big rock, right past Brendon Maven's head, and so he
was actually dangerous. He didn't maybe he's two, it doesn't know,
but and he looked at me and he had this
strange man looking at him with aggressive eye, and then
he made the most adorable sad face that like excited
(06:10):
face melting into sad. It's the fast melt that really
gets you. And you can't help us see it and go, oh,
it's like a puppy. It's you needed to be scared
into not throwing rocks of people's heads anymore. Um. You know,
when I've probably talked about this before, but when I
was a babysitter for some reason, about a lot of
(06:33):
times babysitting, specifically two year olds, and they're so exhausting
and also like the most perfect little people. I love
that age. They've just just just the age where their
necks have grown grown long enough that it's not full
of like putrid milk in the neck. It's right past
(06:54):
that stage. No, the putrid neck thing is a little earlier.
I don't know that's end after one um. I also
think like the putrid neck phase is like a pretty
adorable phase is I mean, don't get me wrong, everything
about that's adorable except for the putrid neck. When you
(07:15):
lift up that flapping this milks from last week. There's
a simple option, which is that you wash your children.
I still have not learned this. Brind's got a bunch
of like he's got like a pimply butt right now. Well,
it's because he piece buckets every single night into his
pull up and then I don't give him a bath
(07:36):
for a week. It's bad. That's bad parenting. Hey, I'm
a great dad. Sometimes I'm a bad dad. Well, we've
had some really overloaded pull ups in the morning, and
one of those days he crawled into our bed and
left a big peace spot, which was not enjoyable. Okay,
can we talking about it? So, yeah, he crawled in
and then emped and I had to change the sheets,
(07:57):
and I had to take the sheets off of our
and we have like a hyper allergenic cover, which is
a real number to get off. But I pulled off
the top sheet and this hyper alergelic cover has our
permanent sweat stain shapes in them. And I'm very happy
that while my side is grosser, it's not just my side.
(08:22):
But I looked at it and it is. It really
emphasizes how men and women's bodies have a different center
of gravity, because the big splotch for me is up
in the shoulders and the you know, and yours just
sweating straight out of your huge pet. Yeah, and you're
in your in your big old lady butt is just
where all the sweat is. So there's these complementary sweat
(08:46):
stain shapes. It's it's like a primitive cultural representation of us.
It's a cave painting of our love. Well. You know
what I think it's funny about you putting the hypo
allergenic cover back on is every time I walk by
the room, you would be dramatically like, ah, Oh, you're like,
(09:07):
so clearly we're trying to get attention for here's the thing.
I know that I've been guilty of that, but haven't
you been around Britain long enough to note that, like
my body expresses how I'm feeling more more openly than yours. No,
you are directly trying to get my attention. You know what.
(09:28):
I wouldn't dare because I'm known you that if you're
not a monster, you're just you're just overly suspicious. You're
probably right, I don't know anyway. A bet it's nice
and clean now, but that's those stains will never go away.
(09:51):
We're taking that mattress to our grave. That mattress will
be our grave. That mattress is the nicest thing we own.
Hem repedic y'all. It really is the nicest thing we owned.
And now the bed we finally have a bed to
match that. Oh yeah, we we did. We've talked about
the bed, we talked about last week. These episodes just
(10:13):
keep getting sex here and sex here, and it's really hard.
Weel like mattress dirty secret. Now we've talked about our
literal dirty mattress um ever since we forced everyone to
I just want to say, let's talk about our kids.
But um, we've got all those reviews to say, very
sexy podcast for parents. Last week we asked people to
(10:35):
say to give us reviews that say this podcast got
me pregnant. No one's done it yet. Wow. Okay, well
maybe that's a comment on the quality of the joke.
We'll have come up with something better. Made me laugh. Okay.
The other thing will happen this weekend is that you
took our kids to see The Lion King, yes, which
they had a busy Saturday. If you had told me beforehand,
(10:57):
I would have said, there's no way they're going to
sit through that entire movie. I knew it was very
likely they wouldn't make it all the way through. Let
me check them. And then they didn't make it all
the way through, but they made it three quarters of
the way through. I'll tell you what, though, that movie
is boring. Yeah, I could have told you that before
you saw it. I know. I just was trying to
(11:18):
would you take all the good parts out of a
classic movie, like the cart the animation, and the anyway. Um,
so I was just trying to keep him away from
Here's I'm not mad that you took them. It's fine.
I What I think is what frustrates me about this movie,
which I haven't seen, is these live action Disney movies
(11:41):
are just do not seem targeted at children. I know,
but this is it's creating like whole summers of kids
getting dragged to movies that for their parents. The parents
need an excuse for the kids to go see movies.
Parents have their own media. Let kids have good new
kids movies. Well, I mean it was you know, they
(12:06):
enjoyed it. No, I'm but I'm mad that this is
like millions of dollars get put into these movies. Do
you know how much money goes into a Disney movie? Ye,
hundred million dollars. I just get I I have nothing
else the people involved. I just want them to get
to work on more exciting things. I agree this one
(12:26):
was the epitome of what is the point of this
live Actually that one actually seems more legit to me.
But that's what I'm saying. Mulan looks Mulan. The movie,
which I did not see as a child, so I
don't have a beloved connection to it, is lame. Well,
I think there's an argument that the new Mulan is
(12:48):
going to be like equally as culturally reductive and insensitive
as the first. We'll see, well, we'll see the trailer trail.
I saw each Other and I was like, I want
to see but it's not a musical. There's no Eddie
Murphy Dragon. Yeah, I mean I do. I feel like
the good thing about that one is you make it
live action and it's actually creating roles for Asian people
in Hollywood, where as The Lion King just is a
(13:12):
lot of very expensive c G I for not expressive
animals it is. It is almost completely identical. The whole
opening sequence is shot for s. Also, I'm still resentful
that we paid a lot of money to see The
Lion King on Broadway, which was just a word for
word reenactment of the movie garbage. I know people love
that musical and we're your your your feelings are valid,
(13:36):
but it does feel like, oh, you're you're watching the
musical is a copy of a movie, and this is
it's been years and years and years, and this is
like the fort cast. So it feels like a photo
copy of a photo copy of a photocopy. And it
was lifeless and joyless, but it's also just not designed
for the way that kids our aged engaged with TV,
(13:57):
and like it was the same thing when we tried
to get them to watch the live action Jungle Book.
They're not They don't care about that style because real
life animals don't have big emotional No, it's not engaging. Well, okay,
so the thing I was going to say is that
I was asking I was talking to Maven later after
(14:18):
you took her to the movie, and her takeaway from
her first movie experience, having never gone to a movie
theater before. She said, there's lions at the movie theater.
That's like saying the printer U only produces doctor's notes, right,
that's her perceptive. I was just telling someone tonight, like
(14:39):
I was like, They were like, do you give your
kids an allowance? And I was like, no, My kids
don't know understand how money works because we live in
a world where no one's like exchanging dollar bills anymore.
They have no concept of money. Oh yeah, well, Maven
has a penny under her pillow right now, which I
wonder where she got that. Oh well, there's been money
(15:01):
flung around lately. They had that piggy bank and came
from the bank she's like, take the money out, and
I just gave her a penny that was in my
pocket and then she ran over to put it under
her pillow, so she must have seen it too well.
I was. I was when I was going to try
to bring our new neighbors like some baked goods, and
I was trying to get the kids out in the
hall to say hello and do that, and then our
(15:22):
neighbors weren't home. I was like pulling something out of
my pocket and kind of threw it towards our apartment,
and then I didn't realize there was like change in
my pocket, so I dropped change everywhere, like you know,
a few things, and Brent spotted it outside of the
door to our apartment and he quickly was like kicking
it into our home, like he didn't want us to
(15:42):
lose it to the outside. He was like, we got
to get it in. And it's like it was like
he had this weird possessiveness towards money, which we never
talked about with them. That's so funny. Uh, you know,
I just realized, what how do kids learn phone numbers
when they don't ever have to dial a phone? Well,
(16:08):
they don't. I don't know. The other thing I was
thinking about this week is I was like, should we
get a landline at some point? Are we do our
kids know how to call nine one one? I guess
they'll do it on the phone, But then sometimes there's
just not a cell phone around. Yes, there is. I
mean unless we leave we leave them alone. We got
(16:28):
to talk about at some point we're going to have
to leave them alone. And I will be resisting getting
them their own phones for as long I think they're
old enough to be left alone. Before they're old enough
when you want them to have a cell phone problem,
So what are we going to do? Computers? Computers can't
call mine on one? Can they? Listeners? Tell us? I
(16:49):
think you can? I think you can. Well, you can
send a text, and you can get a text from
a computer. You can send a text from the computer. Yeah,
through my computer you can. But like, what's the system
you would actually teach your kids to use? You know
what by the time they're old enough. That's all going
to change in the next five years, we hope. But
(17:10):
you have faith in our government right not going to
be about the you know, have you when's the last
time you saw that the government do something good for us.
I got my mail today. Um, I just want to
say one last thing. So Brain has been really into
the planets and so he had a cool Soldiar system book.
(17:30):
The book is called the Sun. What's it called the Sun?
Pretty big deal something like that. Yeah, it's great. It's
really you know, planets and soldiar systems and galaxies and
all that are tough to wrap your brain around when
you're really little bit brings almost five now, and he
gets it. He's really becoming like fact oriented later. Oh,
(17:51):
I love him so much. I love explaining things. And um,
so we got home really late in New Jersey the
other night, and so it was the first time in
a while that we've been outside and they could see stars.
So Britain and I sat outside. I got my app
out that lets you see where all the planets are,
and he was really into it. And so then we
(18:11):
got in bed and I was like, it's too late
for books. But I turned out the light and we
looked at the app and pointed it around and it
shows where all the real stars actually are. And it
also if you pointed at a constellation, it'll then the
image of the constellation will appear over the map of
the stars and we went by Aquarius, which is a guy,
(18:32):
you know, pouring water out of a jug, and we
saw and brand with no hesitation just goes, whoa dude,
you're spilling your water. And now it's signed for a
(18:54):
brand new segment called Do He Knows? This is where
we talk about something that's coming up and figure out
if we knows what we're gonna do or what's up.
And this week's Do We Knows it's all about Brent's birthday. Yeah,
so in classic US style, Um, life is creeping up
(19:15):
on us very rapidly. You're gonna say, passing us by. Well, yes,
with well, life happens fast when you're having fun. What's
the quote? Oh yeah, that's life happens fast when you're
having fun. Um, we as usual have not prepared or
thought about some an event that is imminent. And Bryn
(19:36):
is about to turn five, and I keep realizing this.
People will ask me how old he is, and I'm like, well,
he's about to turn five in a month. And he's
about to turn five, and oh my god, it's like
two weeks. We haven't bought any presents or planned anything. Um,
he doesn't have a birthday party. I love keeping the
bar low for a long time. I asked him. I
was like, because we were at his buddy Lucas's house
(20:00):
also on Saturday. We did three big things on Saturday,
and it's a birthday is coming up, and we invited
Lucas and I go Brinton, who else should we invite?
And he goes, um, I think four people, And I said,
you don't know who he goes, not just four people,
And I was thinking, of my mind, great expectations are low.
(20:21):
That being said, reminder, we're going to a birthday party
on Saturday for one of his daycare, which I know
is already like time to have more planned than what
we've got going. Oh, there was an invitation. They had
a formal invitation over a month prior to the party,
like grown ups would. Yeah, they're very organized, the adults.
(20:44):
And they've got a pool and it's going to be
a pool party. Yeah. I just hope there's not a
million kids. So Britton thinks that's about a birthday party. Yeah,
I'm sorry, but you said four. I do think if
we had a home it would really facilitate more parties. Great,
we have a home, we don't have a house. Okay,
but like it's the second there's more than like two
(21:05):
people in here outside of our immediate family. It's like crowded. Yeah,
should we go family route. We can go to Brooklyn
and just do all family. We're probably gonna have to
do another like weird sporadic mix of parties with various
people in various places. Let's just do two little ones.
(21:26):
Let's go to Brooklyn and invite all the family. Where
who's hosting. We'll go to Nick and Julius. We go
to Sam's got a new place. We love to invite
ourselves over our friends and families homes to let them
let us host parties in their homes. Nick and Julia
are two our closest friends. Um, they've got a wonderful
(21:47):
daughter two years old. Our closest friends, our dearest friends.
She's too right. Um, they've got this great apartment and
we provite ourselves over. I think they like it when
we come to visit. I just think it's a lot.
Whenever we ask someone to like extra people, that's like
a lot to ask. No. No, I I don't really
(22:10):
think we should put much people there. We go to
my brother's house. He got a new apartment. His wife
is very pregnant. We all met on the pat are
very pregnant. Sister in law would love to host many
people at our home. They'd rather do that than come
to Westchester. Am I right? Alright? Am I right? All?
Am I right, al am I right? Groundhog Day? Am
(22:33):
I coining groundhog Day? Wait? But the big question is really,
what are we going to get our kids for Okay birthday?
We haven't, so I think we should get him a bicycle.
Um where we put on the bike room. We have
to get a new bike room. Key. This is the
best argument for owning a house where you put your
fucking bike. I like sometimes people ask me about like
(22:58):
if I would ever leave me or city, and like, my,
I'm so quickly. I know we're not physically in New
York City, but it's still like we're are living here
is a symptom of New York City. So it's I'm
always just so immediately like I'm trying to be as
nice as possible, but I'm like this city is unlivable.
What you have to understand about having kids here is
that the quality of life is so much lower than
(23:21):
anywhere else where. We're shuffling items around in a bike room. Um,
I wish they'd throw our old bikes away so we'd
have more room in that bike room. Did they ever?
They would keep threatening it, and every time I go
back down there, all of our broken bikes are down there.
We need to get a key to the bike room.
That's not hard. I just haven't done it. We need
(23:42):
to inflate those tires. Okay, So we'll get him a
bike and teach both our kids ride bikes and get
two more bikes. And I'm going to buy him more
Doctor Sus books because there's a bunch more and he's
really into him and I want to read them. Okay,
if it's for his birthday, fine, Yeah, it's for his birthday.
(24:05):
That's all I could really think of. I was like,
he does love books. I do think now we should
get in something science e. So if anyone has suggestions
for like very like rudimentaries like dinosaurs, there's planets or
human body or something potato battery animals. Yeah, I think
(24:25):
he's starting to get more into like understanding how things work.
Nerds stuff. Yeah, we got a little nerd on our hands. Jealous. Um, also,
as you know, storytelling characters stuff yeah, I do want
to like think it through though, because I think when
(24:46):
you think about it and then you look online, if
you're like, oh, science, there is cool stuff out there.
But if you don't have a plan and you walk
into a toy store, it's just like you're walking out
with some rec It's just so many different we branded
packagings of Plato and ship that you already have at home,
and it's just like, I don't no one needs this anymore.
(25:07):
You know we should do for his birthday is throw
away most of the toys we have in this apartment.
You're such a good dad. I'm just okay, let me
say the rest of the time. I just cleaned out
a bunch of toys. Actually, because my sister has been
volunteering at the um the I'm blanking on words. Were
the toy place? No, the the immigration court? Can I talk, um, Yes,
(25:36):
you can even doing a great job. My sisters been
volunteering at the immigration courts and she is they're sort
of like watching people's kids while they deal with the
ongoing bullshit that our country creates for them. And she
has was asking for some toys and things for the
little kids to play with that like quiet toys so
that they could be occupied while their parents are trying
(25:57):
to figure out if they're allowed to live their lives
any weren't in our bad country. Um, what a great
way to get rid of toys. Yeah, I was. Actually
when she asked me, I was like, Oh, I'm so
glad to have this very simple thing I can actually
do to help someone instead of like feeling like I
will never have enough money to save the world. And
(26:18):
then it made me go through our bookshelf, which was
very satisfying, and I got rid of a bunch of books.
It was very curious why you were giving Allie a
big bag of toys. She's an adult woman. But now
you've explained it. Yeah, well you didn't let me finish
my thought, which was for his birthday. I didn't. I said,
(26:39):
for his birthday, I went throwing all his toys so
that I can then buy him new things and he
won't notice that they're gone. As long as you throw
stuff away when they're not in the home, they won't
remember it because they're dumb. Our kids are so stupid.
There's so much stuff here. And then but the problem is,
(26:59):
so I took I tied up some books and I
was throwing them away and I there was one little
stack and the second I tied up these garbage books
that our kids never look at. The second brand saw
that there was like something happening with those books. He
was like, I want these get untied. These what's going
on here? Like they looked so special to him. This
(27:20):
is like you turned him and you put him into
the shape of a present. But they're just like the
literal worst books we have. And uh. And then it
was I was just like so scared they would find
the bag of toys I was giving away because it's
just like toddler plastic. I'm like, you don't care about
these things. But the same thing happened when our baby,
(27:42):
our old babysitter came over and her we were giving
her son some toddler toys and and Bran was like, no,
those are my favorite toys. It's just like it becomes
so tantalizing. Oh yeah, you take anything away, I still love.
When he went over, we wanted to take on Julia's
and we probably invited ourselves and they had so many
(28:04):
of our old toys, and friends like, wow, they have
the same toys us. We're all laughing. You idiot. Maybe
we can make my sister hostess. Um, she's our best.
But in terms of family, who is willing to do
literally any dumb thing we asked of her? What a sucker,
(28:28):
I mean, somebody that we really couldn't do this without
appreciate it. He's very helpful and she baby thought yesterday
and I had like two things planned that I was
really excited about, and she was kind of sick, and
I was just like, well, I gotta go. I was
like so happy to get out, and I was so
glad that she came over while she was not feeling
great in the world. Um. Okay, So here's the other
(28:57):
big thing. As listeners, you're helping us plan Brand's birthday
parab That's what this whole segment is is where you
send us emails to tell us how to do it better.
But the cake. So it seems crazy to me that
the brown cow How now brown cow cake episode was
a year ago. I thought it was like yesterday, you
(29:18):
know what I mean. Anyway, if you didn't listen, there's
an episode about Brand getting asking for a brown cow cake.
Oh my god, you're going to twist this whole story.
It's we've already you already. I didn't even tell the
story yet. What part of it do you think I'm
gonna I'm gonna bullshit? You know, you know the one
(29:40):
where I got it into a disagreement with the cake design. Yeah,
when you pressured them to decorate a cowcake in a
very specific, strange way. Pressured them, you mean hired them,
paid them money. Listeners, go back if you want to
hear this argument, you definitely don't want to hear us.
Have it a wait, what what are you criticizing me for?
(30:03):
I gave them the picture and they put on the cake,
and they did a great job and it ended up grade.
But this woman did not believe that cows were brown,
and so to prove her. I don't think that was what.
I don't think that she didn't believe. No, she did
not believe that cows. That's not true. You got defensive,
and I heard the story listeners from go back and
(30:26):
listen to the story on the original podcast. Oh boy,
this is a great test of our memories because it's recorded.
I know what you said when you told the story.
I know how the story went down. Is you went
in asked for a brown cow cake. She's you said,
you know, a white cow with brown spots, and she said,
(30:49):
do you mean black spots? Because that's normally what people
picture when they see a cow. And then you felt
so insulted by being correct to that you demanded the
cake have brown spots and forced them to very specifically
design a cow with brown pot You know what's so
(31:11):
insane about what's happening right now is I was the
only one of the two of us who was there.
What part of my telling him that story was different
from how it happened. Ok What was very weird about
this was this woman insisting that cows were not brown.
And the only reason I insisted on the cake being
brown the cow being brown, is that Bryn asked for
(31:33):
a brown cow. Okay, but one of three year old
is saying they want a brown cow on a cake,
like they're just they just mean a cow. Okay, You're
going to be mad if they give you a cow
with black spots. But you but the great offense to
(31:55):
this woman. She was rude. She looked at me like
I was stupid, and I I admittedly, I was like,
I'm going to prove this rude woman wrong, and I did.
And then she's like okay, well what do you want
me to put on the cake? And okay, but you
just prefaced this story as though like our son demanded brown,
(32:21):
so specifically he said brown cow. He probably wouldn't have cared.
If I had said, you know, like a brown cow
spots and they gave me a cow black spots, I
wouldn't have cared. I just from my perspective, I see,
you know, a blue collar woman working her cake decorating job,
and uh, she's rude, bearded, old white man comes in
(32:44):
asking for some interpretation of what his child said, and
she's trying to clarify. Okay, But to know me in public,
I am the last person to cause problems. I will
if somebody brings me something I didn't order, I'm the
first person to eat it because I don't want there
to be any conflict. I'm just saying. She was like, Okay,
(33:04):
this guy wants a cake. Okay, does he eat? Know
what he's talking about because he's going to call me
back if I get it wrong. So let me clarify this.
I know. Okay, have you worked a service job? Yeah?
I have, and I a boy. It was stressful. I'm saying.
(33:26):
She's viewing you through the eye of someone who deals
with so many ridiculous people every day, all day. And
so she's like, sir, do you think you mean black
and white cow? You weren't there. I have worked several
service jobs in high school and college and after college,
(33:47):
and I know about people, and I am right your
your perception of the world is right. I'm right that
she was rude. Anyway, can you celebrate Fid's birthday? We're
going to have this argument every single we are. This
is going to be the thing that he's like, oh God,
(34:09):
they're going to tell that cake story every year. You
weren't even there, So what should we put in the
I'm basing this off of exactly what you told me happened.
Listeners can go back and listen. But now you're arguing
with me about my telling of Anyway, a purple cow
(34:30):
came up in conversation. Was that Bryn's idea recently? Maybe? Yeah,
I don't know we're gonna do a purple cow. I'm
gonna go in and say, hey, can I get a
purple cow? You know, like a purple cow. We should
ask him closer to when you get the actual cake,
because all of these are just again, completely meaningless, offhand
comments of a small child. No, I don't think we
(34:51):
should ask him at all. Let's get him a son cake.
He'll think it's cool. Let's get him a skeleton cake.
Let's get him a mummy cake. Other things he would love.
Let's get him a Pluto cake. He would love that.
He's real upset that Pluto's not a planet? Is he
not upset? But he's like he argued it for a
(35:12):
while and then I explained to him the dwarf planet thing,
but he just he's still rooting for Pluto. I would
argue that there's things he cares about more than Pluto,
like penguins, marks, dinosaurs, um, Barry Onyx. We had told
his story tonight. White tailed deer. I was impressed with that.
(35:33):
We did on our way home from your family on Saturday,
we saw a deer outside the window. So we stopped
the car and let them look, and Brian was like, no,
that's not a deer. Or he was like do you
know what Yeah, and we're like, what kind of deer is?
And he said a white tailed deer. Yeah, that's I
(35:54):
think that's right. And he keeps watching the Wild Crats Show,
which is very educational. Let's plug Kratz. Wildcats is a
great chill those guys. They're a little cheesy, but it's
a good show. Um, it's not for you, Peter, it's
for children. But I have to watch it. You don't
(36:16):
have to. You don't understand me. I have to stop
trying to make children's entertainment for adult It's my job
as children's entertainment. I care about it. Um. But yes,
so it's Poluto his favorite thing. No, but if we
got him that cake, he would love it. Other things
(36:37):
everything you listed. Oh, anyway, the story we told tonight,
I said what was our main what's our main character?
And he said Barry Onyx, which is a very specific
kind of dinosaur, And his name ended up being Gary
Gary the Barry Onics, And I thought that was funny.
(37:07):
This next segment is called would you Knows? That's where
we present each other with parenting hypotheticals. I got one.
We haven't written one for each other in a while,
and I got one. And I think I feel like
maybe this has come up in some context, but um,
it has not happened to us. In this scenario, you
(37:30):
and I, Beth are making love. Wow, this is a
very sexy podcast. This is a very sexy podcast for parents. Um,
there's no sheets. Where are Why is there no sheets?
It's hot, it's like right now, it's like eighty two degrees.
There's no sheets on the bed. They're flung off in
(37:53):
a fit of passion. More likely our children flowing them off.
It's true. Before they went to bed, they pull the
sheets off and dragged them all the way to the
living room to be turtles turtle ghosts, which happened tonight. Okay,
so I'm in a sexy mood. What's happening now? You're
in a sexy mood. You're in the middle of it. Okay,
it's very naked. It's sitting completely exposed. So like how
(38:15):
sex is, like, yeah, exposed. I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe some people do it with most of their clothes on.
I don't know. The sheets. The five thing you're saying,
the sheets are gonna implies that our normal sex routine
is to dig down deep under the sheets, completely cocooned
in blankets. I like to cover us both up in
(38:36):
a down comforter us. No one can see, including us
our shame. The lights are on. The lights are on
full it's it's a weird we didn't plan it, you know,
it's a fit of passion just started happening. So I
was going to continue to interrupt you. Someone recently was
I saw someone repeating some celebrity gossip. They heard about
(38:57):
a certain male celebrity who's like supposed to be closeted gay.
But the rumor was that he has sex with men
through a sheet, which is just such an old, like
outdated don't like. I was, like, you think that this
is real gossip about a celebrity and not maybe like
a weird embellishment of a rumor like sex. Like the yeah,
(39:24):
sex sushi is like an old, bad Jewish stereotype or something.
I don't know. It's just not something actual people do
as far as I know. But if it does, I
want to hear about it. Anyway, continue the story we're having.
We're not having sex through anything except through the night.
Our usual sex sheet that we keep between us during sex.
(39:46):
It's at the cleaners. It's shredded, it's gone. Um so
let's just say we've we've really got into it. Um.
Our minds are elsewhere. There's it's it's a bit vocal,
(40:07):
and we are interrupted by mommy, daddy, what are you doing?
And we look in there there is Britain. He's five
years old, so this is mommy and Um. We separate
and looking there's and there's Brenat and he sees everything
(40:29):
and he's right there, and Maven's right next to him.
To maven space, she's also there and she says, go
go go whoa Mommy Daddy yea. She probably would just
repeat whatever Bread said, what are you doing? Um? The
(40:50):
sheets are all in the living room, so you can't
even grab a sheet to cover up. We're on stage.
We are exposed. We have been confronted and asked what
is going on? I know some parents have dealt with this.
We have not. What do you do? What do you do? Well?
(41:12):
There uh at an age where I feel like I
don't feel obligated to specifically explain that we've been having sex. Um.
I think that would create more questions than answers, you
know what I mean, And so I would lie, or
(41:33):
I would give some simplified version of the truth, and
I would say, mommy and Daddy are having cuttle time.
It's a private time. You need to go to bed,
Get the funk out of here. Would that come out
as go, get go shoot get No. What if I
ever said shoot, I'm paraphrasing, um No. I wouldn't talk
(41:59):
to them like I would talk to a cake decorator
who I was displeased with. Maybe you should try, Maybe
you should try, I said, brown cow, ma'am, go back
there and make it again. UM. I think I would
(42:20):
explain it to them. Not in that moment. I would
be panicked and I would feel exposed, and um, I'd
have to explain the anatomy. How would you explain it
to them? Later you bring it back up and you're like, hey,
you know that really awkward moment earlier when you half
asleep woke up and saw my balls banging around in bed?
(42:46):
Say that three times fast. I know your children might
have some questions about what you saw there that night
it was. I would say, remember that book you read,
that's what was going on. Remember that book You don't
(43:07):
remember that real sexy book you read? Where do I
come from? Rememberone knows mommy and Daddy were in the bathtub.
I feel uncomfortable with that, because, again I think I
already explained this on another podcast episode, is that the
language in those books is strangely florid in the descriptors
(43:30):
in certain ways. Do you say, yeah, like do you
mean lurid? Both, It's like very um, It's like I
feel like they're using words that are like unnecessarily descriptive
in a way that I don't want to speak of
it with my children. Are also avoiding literal terminology exactly,
(43:55):
like I think you could get to the point in
a less disgusting way that I have. We have to
get this book and read some of it sometime to
actually explain what I'm trying to say. But yeah, just
just it describes it as like a very nice tickle
and a cuddle, and it's like it gets very but
(44:16):
you know what I didn't have. It wasn't until remember
I remember reading probably that exact book, and things like
that haven't explained to me. And the image in my
head was very weird. And it wasn't until you had
sex with a human being. Yeah, that I was like, oh, tickle, no, No, Honestly,
(44:39):
it was seeing scrambled porn, which is a very specific
Oh that's what woman wants. This is exactly how women
like it. It's I mean just that the the like
the performance obviously, the motion of sex. Okay, well, you're
(45:01):
really affirming that we need some better sex education, and
that was I'm saying. If I had an image like
that as a a kid, suddenly there's a real thing
to compare to. I do think I feel like, maybe
I've talked about this before, so I'm trying to not
have to talk to you long. But I do think
that high school sex education should more graphically explain the
(45:25):
dynamics of male and female orgasm, because when they talk
about men, they talk about orgasms and wet dreams and stuff,
and then when they talk about women, they're just like
a baby is going to come out immediately, and they
never get into the mechanics of how women's bodies work.
It's like, women also have orgasm muscle. We also have
(45:46):
certain parts of the vagina that do certain things that
should ideally be manipulated in certain ways that I think
we could tell teens. I think I got more of
that than you did. They told you how female organ
some works. They explained the clitterest and g spot, and yeah,
(46:07):
in high school maybe, yeah, yeah, I'm very skeptical they didn't.
I got it in fifth grade and then in middle school,
and then in high school. They did not talk about
that the first time. It was in high school. I
remember I had a health class that was very very
(46:28):
straightforward about things. Um, I bet, I hope it's better now.
I bet. I mean, I bet. Though also it's it's
all over the place because every every state has their own,
their own, you know whatever. I just think it was
like it was similar to DARE in the sense that
it was highly ineffective and only told you a lot
(46:52):
of like the negative repercussions. Yeah, I still got a
lot of that, but my high school was much more,
uh a lot less fear based than I remembered earlier.
And what I've heard from all my peers, Um, I
think I had a pretty good one. But I hope
it's better. I just remember like it was so like
(47:14):
it just always felt so male focused, and which is
insane considering the reproductive system exists in a woman. And
then uh like there like I remember there being like
a question box where you could anonymously ask questions to
the health teacher about sex. And someone asked, can I
(47:38):
get birth control without my parents knowing? And the health teacher,
who was a man, he was like, yeah, you can
buy condoms at any store, and it was like then
he just moved on, like it was like he didn't
he didn't understand what the questioner meant by birth control,
(47:59):
Like do you know that person wasn't talking about condoms.
When I was in middle school, they specifically had a
female teacher joined the class we were into. I was
a man and a woman there, I think for exactly
this reason. Well, we did when we were younger, but
then there are certain years where we just had one teacher.
In high school, actually health classes got split into uh
(48:21):
it was just a boy's class. Now that you mentioned it,
I do think a woman would have taught that class better. Interesting.
Um anyway, so I'd explain it and Beth would lie,
m all right, that is, would you notice? And now
(48:44):
it's time for listeners want to those We got one
quick email. We teased it earlier and here it is
continuing a theme for this episode. Hi, Beth and Peter.
I love listening to you guys weekly. Kind of a
new listener, but I have been binging older episodes. I
have two kids, almost three year old daughter and a
five month old son. I love being a mom, and
(49:06):
while I definitely get a lot wrong, I still think
I'm a kick ass mom, so do we, but I
think that makes me struggle with my role as a wife.
All my energy goes to my kids, and I feel
my marriage suffering. My husband and I love each other
dearly and don't fight too often, but I don't think
we spend enough time together just us. We try for
(49:27):
a date night monthly and a mini trip at least
one time a year, if not too I just feel
a little disconnected from him, though. How do you guys
keep your marriage quote unquote so sexy? How do you
stay connected with while raising two kids side to side?
My two year old is an awful sleeper and so
we co sleep with her. Not ideal, but it works
(49:50):
for us for now. So yeah, the bedroom doesn't see
much sexy time. Thanks for any advice, Susan, and I
just want to say this subject plane to this email. Um.
It was my favorite, and it was how do you
keep your marriage so sexy? Beth? How do you? How
(50:11):
do we do it? Um? So, the things you mentioned about,
like date nights, we are very bad at and I
do think it's important and we should probably be better
at it, but I think our specific career does not
lend itself to having mutual nights free. Honestly, this is
(50:32):
our day night, This is our couples therapy, which is
our day night. This has kept us honestly closer than
we would be otherwise. That's true. This is the only
time we really fully debrief about anything. Um. I will
say in terms of the like sexy time, whatever, boy time,
(50:54):
whatever you want to call it. When brain was too
and Maven was, I guess about the same age for
four months old, there was not a lot of that
going on. No, how old did she say her kid
was five months and three year old? I thought it
was two year old. No, one of them is close sleeping,
so I think it was a baby, Uh, three year
(51:17):
old daughter and five month old sons. Yeah, so we
were close sleeping at that time, and I think co
sleeping is a blessing and it saves you a lot
of sleep, which is very vital at that stage. Um,
if she's co sleeping, chance that she's probably breastfeeding, which sorry,
it's almost three year old, so it's he's she is too,
(51:39):
So I was okay, not talking about that. But anyway, Um,
the when you're breastfeeding, your hormones are still way out
of whack. And then I hear this with women so
many times about so many issues, like with trying to
lose weight postpartum, or if they're suffering from uh diastis recti,
(52:02):
which is when you're an abdominant muscle separate. There's a
lot of things ways your body is not able to
recover well when you're still breastfeeding. And I think for
a lot of women, sex is still not desirable or
sometimes even really on the table because their body just
as like, no, shut it down. I've got stuff going
on over here, Like the body just doesn't want to
(52:24):
focus on that right now. It's got a lot of
other stuff going on. And so you can still have sex.
But I think for a lot of women, like the
desires not there, the moisture is not there down there,
the sometimes they're still healing from birth injuries, Like there's
(52:45):
a million different things they're just physically, your body is
still healing from pregnancy. We really in our country, we
really under emphasize the amount of physical recovery your body
needs to come back to quote unquote normal at your baby.
And it's obviously not the same for everybody, exactly, no,
and it's not. And but I mean, what my midwife
(53:07):
did say to me at one point was like, it
should take roughly the same amount of time for your
body to go back to some semblance of what it
was as it took you to get here, which is,
you know, ten months of being pregnant, and it's like
that's your body just needs to recover and sometimes you
(53:28):
have to just accept that it's not where you would
like it to be. Yeah. I think for our experience,
there was a long stretch especially um, I mean May
even happened because it had been like almost two years
of very little of that, and then suddenly Bryn was
(53:49):
like in the other room and we suddenly realized. We
suddenly like we got sleep for like one night, and
we like got to ahead got pregnant again. You were ovulating,
and our bodies were like time for another one. Yeah. Well,
as I always say, ovulation makes you horny as fuck.
(54:10):
Um me too just being near it. Um So, but yeah,
you got you got a five round two ye old. Yeah,
we were. There was nothing going on, but and in
postpartum with May even, as I said before, there's like
a lot of health issues going on. And I know
part of actually why I caught my thyroid cancer. Is
(54:33):
that I went for my six week check up postpartum
or no no, no six months check up, and I
had gotten an I u D inserted maybe at like
my six weeks check up or something. It's because it's
easier to insert it when you're relatively recently postpartum. So
I was like, let me just get this side of
the way and not be pregnant for as long as
(54:53):
possible ever again. And so I got that, and so
then in my six months, my you know, my midwife
was like, so, how is the i U D working
like with sex? Can you feel it during sex? And
I was like what? And she was like, your husband like,
is the string like it's softened up or I guess
the strings kind of softened up inside you after time.
(55:15):
And I was like, she's asking me this question. I
was like, I don't know. I was like, I haven't
having sex. I am so tired. I was like, I
was just like, I haven't really, I haven't having sex.
I'm just so tired. And she was like she's like
she like kind of looked at me like concerned. And
at the time, I was like, why does she not
(55:36):
understand that I would have zero energy? For sex when
I'm postpartum. But then she felt my thyroid gland and
realized it was swollen. And then this led to a
series of tests that made you realize I was hypothyroid
and also a thyroid cancer. And it was like, oh,
maybe I should have had like a little bit of
zest for life six months out. You know, I don't know,
(55:59):
I I don't know. Um. Well, so I think the
you know, the advice is one i'd say like, yeah,
I think it's it's it's great to talk about the like, oh,
let's have some dedicated time to be together. Um, I
think that's really healthy. But you know, one, give yourself
(56:22):
a break. You've got a five month old and in
almost three year old. Well. I also think with women
at this stage sometimes I mean, this is her second kid,
so I think they kind of know how things work.
But sometimes I think, like, this is not what she's saying.
So I'm not saying this is what's happening here. But
sometimes I feel like women are getting pressure from their
husbands to like start back up with sex, and they're like,
(56:44):
why are you not in the mood, And meanwhile the
woman is like, it hasn't slept in days, the house
is a mess. All she sees his chores and hungry mouths,
and the man is like asking her for one more thing,
and she's like what, Like it just doesn't compute, and
(57:04):
the man doesn't like think straight and realize like, oh,
maybe if I like clean the bathroom that hasn't been
cleaned in three months or made her a real meal,
she might be in the mood, Like she might actually
be relaxed for once. Yeah, that might. Obviously, again, we
have no idea what your situation is, but I think
(57:24):
that it's true for a lot of people because there's
a for for me, for us, that was when there's
a huge, like a big change in just how we
functioned and how we we and how I took care
of things. Uh, and so so much is changing. Your
whole routine is changing. Um. And so there's so much
(57:46):
attached to that that makes things difficult. It's a strain
on the relationship. Um, that's all mixed in. So it's
it's you're not just dealing with this one thing, You're
dealing with everything. But it's like she should take care
of herself, get some resk at all for regular checkups,
make sure she's fine. Get that baby out of her
face for a minute. And if her husband, like I
(58:07):
still think five months out is like pretty hard to
do a date night, depending on breastfeeding and other factors.
So it's like really hard to imagine that that, like
them getting a drink together is going to be the
tipping point. I really think like if her husband cleans
the whole house, puts her in her bed with like
a book or a trashy show or something, and she's
(58:28):
he's like, I'm putting the kids to bed. You get
to relax, take a bath, whatever you need for like
a full hour, she's going to be ready. She will,
I think, be like okay, at the very least, she
might be like, I'll open up this bottle of lube,
and you know, like at the very least she'll open
(58:49):
a bottle. I says that, like, you know, feel free
to like set some goals and to set up some
date nights and all that, but forgive yourself when it
doesn't happen. Don't put pressure on yourself, Like, don't put
pressure on those events when you're like, we're spending time
(59:10):
together and this is important and we need to do it.
Sometimes I feel like that defeats the purpose of it. Well,
somewhere someone into this podcast. Like when you don't have
any time to talk to one another through an entire
week and then you finally do, it's like sometimes there's
going to be issues that pop up that you haven't
dealt with, and then the date night turns into a
(59:30):
fight night. Like I think that is so common with
like stressed out, tired parents as they're like, oh, good,
we're finally alone together and then they realize there's like
a laundry list of simmering issues for the relationship and like,
and you've made date night complicated. Yeah, And I mean,
but I do think that is maybe part of why
(59:52):
date night is good. You just need to do it
more often. But um, it's not necessarily going to be
the sexiest night right off the bad your best? What
you gonna do with me? Cool? Think about it. This
has been another episode We Knows Parenting. If you'd like
(01:00:13):
to send us an email, you can do so and
we Knows pod at gmail dot com. I'll check our
website We Knows Parenting dot com. Uh, leave it, leave
us a review if you don't want to say this
podcast got our pregnant, got us pregnant, say this podcast
got her pregnant. Podcast got her pregnant, and then write
(01:00:33):
it like it's uh. Reddit Relationships post about how this
podcast got your girlfriend pregnant and you're confused about what
to do. You can also find us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook,
and we knows pod um and boy gosh, it's been
a good it's been a good one. Have a good
night by
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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