October 2, 2018 • 55 mins
This week Beth and Peter go back to school for pre-k parents night and quickly revert to their school-aged selves; Peter gets competitive with the other parents about who can draw the best picture and Beth stresses about following the rules. Later, at a family trip to a local farm, Peter and Beth’s individual bad habits combine to maximize their parenting ineffectiveness in the face of a Bryn mud puddle melt down. Meanwhile, Maeven starts making up words, Peter learns some tips about healthy eating and Beth discusses how she would handle coming home to find that Bryn and Peter had switched bodies in a Freaky Friday “Would you Knows” scenario.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hello, and welcome to we know his parenting. I'm Peter
McNerney and I'm Beth Nowell, and here we are again
for those of you joining us for the very first time. Boy,
we're parents and we're married, and we've got kids. There
two and they're four, and their names are Maven and Brynn.
That's the backstory, Beth. This was quite a week. I
feel like a lot of things happened. The biggest one
(00:34):
for me, I think was pre K parent night at school.
This was surprisingly emotional for me. How was it for you? Uh? Similar?
It's everything with preschool is like it seems like such
a big milestone and so intense and then simultaneously like
so not a big deal when you're doing it. So
(00:55):
it was like, I don't know. I think I was
telling you the other day when we when we first
found out he had he was starting preschool, it was
like I felt anxious to meet the teacher because I
think in my mind it was like, Okay, we're meeting
this authority figure we have to like live up and
be good. And then you meet this woman who is
like younger than us. Well, you were worried about what
(01:17):
she would think of us, I still am wow, well yeah, boy,
I had the opposite. Yeah, You're like, oh, this is
gonna be great. I get to show off. Yeah. I
mean my first thought one of you before you meet
the person, I'm like, m I hope they're a good teacher,
they're not crappy. But as soon as I got into
that classroom and we're all sitting in baby chairs because
(01:39):
it's a pre kay classroom, instantly she starts talking, and
you know, years of school come back where I'm like this.
It felt like the first day of school, where like
I'm nervous to talk to other people, but there's there's
like this weird competitive thing in me where I was
like I need to be the best listener, the best student.
(02:02):
I sat up front. Well that's sort of where I'm
coming from, but like in a different way because I'm
used to being the shy kid growing up, and so
it's really weird to live through this stuff with Brin
as your son, who's like the most outgoing person ever
and running into like teachers and school administrators who are like, oh,
you're Brain's parents. We love Brian, And it's weird because
(02:25):
I think we both simultaneously were like, yeah, of course
you do, like he's so social and funny, Like it's
bizarre to have that reaction when people say that, You're like, yeah,
what was your relationship with teachers, like in general going
through school? Were you? I mean, because you can be
hard to read and quiet, and I'd imagine some teachers
didn't get you and like maybe thought you had an
(02:46):
attitude or misread you in some weird way. Yeah, it
was like a mix of because I was like quiet,
like goody two shoes mostly, but like also is quiet
and sort of like a spacey way. So a lot
of teachers loved that, and then some teachers just hated
it um specifically, like in like elementary school gym class,
(03:09):
like if we're playing volleyball, which is an incredibly slow,
boring sport to play with kids who can't keep a
ball in there, it's like you hate nothing more than
arbitrary competition. Well, I yeah, and I hate like arbitrary
activities where you're just like nothing's happening. So but my
mind would wander because it's a sport where you just
(03:30):
stand there and the ball never comes to you, and
I would space out and then the ball would finally
come over, like twenty minutes later and I wouldn't be
paying attention, and the gym teacher, this guy would be
like Elizabeth, Elizabeth, like you're the kid on my team
that would drive me nuts, where I'm like, come on,
we gotta whim. But I'm like, it's the game is
(03:53):
so boring when your kids, and it's moving so slowly,
so I would inevitably be looking at like grass or
something thing. It's it's like the first baseball, the first
year that kids get to pitch. Boy, the game really
slows down. Yeah, My experience with teachers was very um
was it feels like the experience Britain is going to
(04:14):
have where I'd be really shy for a second and
then I'd as soon as I realized people were comfortable
with me, the spotlight would come out, and then I
was just charming teachers, teachers and friends, moms. That's my wheelhouse. Well,
it's funny. The teachers at his schools were obviously like
(04:34):
already charmed by Britain because he already has said something
weird to all of them. And the assistant teacher was like, oh, Brian,
he's funny, because she said he was. He was talking
to her and he was like, I'm so tired. And
she was like why, and he was like, I go
to two schools. And he was talking about how he
goes from daycare to preschool like a grizzled blue collar workers.
(05:00):
I gotta go to my other job over and a
good school. I'm glad to be here. I just you know,
I got a lot on my plate. You know, it's
stuff sometimes, but I am happy to be here. I'm appreciative.
Thank you so much, preschool teacher. The there's a few
funny things that happened. One the precade teachers seems really
(05:20):
sweet and and she's getting her master's and like she
seems like a perfect to insult her, No, she seems
like she seems like she's very good at her job
and a very wonderful presence for a bunch of four
year olds. Um, but like as as an actor, as
an improviser, comedian, it's been a long time since I've
(05:43):
been in the audience and an audience where somebody is
leading who has no idea how to like perform for
the room full of adults. And I had no idea
what she was talking about a lot of time, and
she was just like so nervously going through these bullet
points in her head, and there was these things we
were supposed to do that she never explained to us,
(06:05):
like this worksheet we could fill out. Well, that was
the hardest for my like goody two shoes desire to please,
because I knew there was like stuff we were supposed
to do, like you were supposed to fill out a sheet,
draw a picture for your kid when they got to
school the next day, and she wasn't explaining any of it,
and like other people were doing it, and I was like,
we didn't get told what to do, like it was
like it really wants she like maybe told one person,
(06:27):
and other people started doing it, and then I was like,
are we supposed to do this? She's like yeah, okay,
And we walked in and the previous session was leaving.
No one said hi to us. But as soon as
we sat down, it started filling out the sheet about
our child and just next to these other parents. That
part of my competitive school brain turned on when I
(06:49):
was like, Okay, I gotta look humble, but I also
need to beat all these people. Yeah, you're really showing
off with your drawing. Well the drawing to also, I'm
like I can. I can I do atty good caricatures
of people. And I started doing this, and vaguely in
the back of my head, I'm like, here's what I realized.
(07:09):
And this was true very much in school. I was
really nervous until I did something that impressed somebody, and
then I was like, now I feel comfortable being myself
because like I maybe it's the super selfish I have
an audience now the same sort of thing. As soon
as someone was like, wow, that's a great drawing and
(07:32):
I was like, okay, I'm comfortable of talking to parents now. Yeah. Well,
I think this is the same reason why Brenn is
the kid that they need to like designate leadership roles
to him. The line later, Yeah, he has to feel
important so that he doesn't act out to try to
try to get attention. It's like this is a big tool.
I've been doing some leadership training at Story Parts recently,
(07:57):
and yeah, one of the a difficult thing to deal
with is like the know it all or like the
back the back seat leader and you u but like
if you're leading something and you've got like the back
seat director in your group, and like the best tactic
for that is to give them an arbitrary job to
(08:17):
be like, hey, I'm gonna needs your help. Can you
take charge of this thing? Then they're like, oh, yeah,
I know. My boss would uh would do that to
me all the time early on, and Thory Price was like, hey,
I got an important job for you. Will you make
sure that everyone has the right colored shirt on. I'm like,
I'm on it, And really it was just partly getting
me out of his hair. But I think Brian is
(08:39):
very much that kid. Was like, brand, what need you
to be the line leader today? And then he's focused. Yeah,
They're like he's like calendar helper. Oh boy, that's his
dream job, explaining days. He loves to explain days of
the week. He's he you know, he can be a
little nuts at home, but I can tell he's like us,
(09:02):
like we do like rules. I think of you sometimes
more as a like I was gonna say, rebel than me,
but I think we both we both want to know
what the rules are and we follow them. And I
think that's in the middle of our fund diagram. You're
just more skeptical than I am. I mean, I I
(09:26):
cater to it in like a people pleasing sort of way.
Like I'm like, well, I want to get this right.
I want this to run smoothly. You want the attention. Yeah,
I do it so that everyone knows that I get
it well. I'm also immensely uncomfortable if other people are uncomfortable,
and the best way to make it people comfortable is
to just do it myself, take care of everything. Um hmmm.
(09:51):
So that was the big thing. That was the big
thing this week. What else? We're still having a little
bit of crazy uh brand So last week brand was
huge tangent. I will say after we recorded that episode,
I had a great week with Brendan Maven where we
really talked about his behavior and and um sort of
(10:13):
talking about things early on and it was way smooth
until today we went to this like local parks farm
with the kids and it was nightmarish at times, and
I got real emotional. And I think a big thing
that happened, like the are both of our strengths and weaknesses,
(10:38):
Like when they're a little bit aligned, we we make
it worse. I think I jumped to threat of punishment
way too fast, and you jumped to bribery too fast.
And when we do it together, Bryan knows that he's
got options, and he like neither one of them. You
(11:00):
were also today like breathing down his neck a lot
about like doing things right, and like you're starting these
fights a little bit. It's like, yes, I am guilty
of that, but it's also the when I'm alone with him, Uh,
the rules are clear, like I don't you think I do,
(11:22):
but I don't lay down arbitrary rules like it's it's
very predictable with me because morning, no, you were coming
up with things this morning. I'm trying to decompress from
a very stressful week. Our new cycle has been NonStop rape,
and you have decided I want to take I want
(11:45):
to take a nice family trip to a farm, and
all of a sudden, you decide Saturday morning is your
time to start instituting new rules and deciding that our
kids suddenly need to eat healthy and we need to
make sure that there's they're eating regular food. Like this
is an arbitrary new rule. It's not the time to
(12:07):
start instituting it when I'm just trying to You know,
you're You're probably right, but this is something that we
as we're in the middle of it. I was like,
Beth and I needed we needed. All of the major
issues were like, these are things we should have talked
about before the moment we needed to do it. Food
is a big one that I'm worried about with Britain
right now, where he won't eat anything at all. Right,
(12:32):
But like you that stuff you plan ahead when you're
buying the groceries and the week and you're making the food.
It's not like you're not like at a restaurant with
a plateful of French fries suddenly like nitpicking every dietary
choice he's banking. It's wait, wait, wait, you mean when
he refused to eat the chicken tenders and all he
wanted to eat was the French fries that he poured
(12:54):
sugar on. I literally don't care. Also, potatoes are a
complete source of nutrition, that's all he ate. I don't care.
I was trying to enjoy. I was trying to give
my kids outside. But then you're bribing him to behave
with ice cream later, and I was like, we can't
give him ice cream. He didn't eat lunch, He's gonna
go even more crazy lunch. He ate a healthy lunch
(13:17):
of potatoes. The sugar on the French fries was I
mean The first thing you did at at lunch was MAYBN,
grab your sugar packet and you go here. Let me
help you with that, because I'm waiting at a restaurant
with two hungry kids, and again I'm trying to enjoy
(13:37):
myself Again. You woke up this morning and you handed
our kids sugar cereal and went back to beds. And
it's like honey nut cheerios. Okay, that decision doesn't count.
That's fine, But then if I want to be relaxed
around our kids, all of a sudden, it's like the
nutrition game. I don't mean to blame you, even though
I just blamed you. But in general, actually, a big
(14:01):
thing we're gona talking about later is exactly this, So
we won't get too far into it. But that's the
dilemma we have, is that we're dealing with it piecemeal. Uh.
And Bryn knows that, like he's getting different things from us,
and he's pitting us against each other, our our laziness,
he is exploiting because they exacerbate each other when when
(14:22):
we're together. Um, so it's a challenge that we're gonna overcome. Ah,
but boy said, the big the big thing at the
farm all he wanted to do was jump in a
muddy puddle and it and it drove me. I went
straight to I'm not we're not gonna get ice cream. Yeah.
(14:44):
Well that's the other thing is that I feel like
you escalated so quickly and so intensely that he's like
you're like offering him a challenge. Well, I stay emotionally
calm until I had to pick him up. An I
was saying, I say very m in those situations until
he starts. He literally jumped and I caught him midair
(15:05):
trying to go full double feet in a mud puddle.
I try to explain to him that, like it's gonna
make the car dirty, and then I have to take
it in and he doesn't want to hear it. And
I should have said nothing. I think. Trying to explain
to him why shouldn't do something, I think is the
thing that that exacerbates issues too quickly. That is where
like I'm making the biggest mistake. I like, I'm not.
(15:29):
I don't need to explain to him don't jump in puddles.
It's just no stay calm, and they keep way with
the puddles and ignore him. You're so fixated on it
where I was like trying to distract him and change
the topics, though he would be like his emotional intensity
would be a little diffused with constantly like out of
(15:49):
the blue, you're just like, here's another thing you can't do.
Like it's just getting him so worked up because there's
nothing arbitrary about the battle typics, like I don't want
to mud any car anyway. You're like pointing out to
him walking with me. He was fully calm, and you
were like needling him. You're like, there's a puddle coming up,
(16:12):
He's going to try to go in it, Like it's
just like you're telling him to be bad. Ah, you're
right in that. I have no regrets about stopping him
from doing it, but I just need to shut up
about it. I mean, I'm gonna have to keep grabbing
him because he's kept trying to do the puddles, but
I'm just gonna not explain it to him anymore. That's
(16:34):
my pledge to you. Um he needs to have less
next he's got any real foods. The other thing this
week that I think it's funny is that um May
even more and more has been just making up arbitrary
words for things so she um, she's killing it this week.
(16:54):
She just um, she sees something she wants. She doesn't
know the words, she just makes one up on the spot.
So brit was like handing us quarters and she was like,
give me that, give me my gum. I want my gum.
Give me my gum, and like you mean quarter and
she just digs her heels and she's like, no, I'm
calling it a gum. She's like, no, that's my gum.
(17:18):
She also did um. I was pulling out like winter
hats and stuff, and she found these rolled up mittens
so they are rolled up gloves so they look like
sort of a jellyfish with the fingers hang at them.
And she was like, oh, I need my jelly sock,
my jelly sock. And I'm just like how did she
(17:39):
come up with that? Like because a jellyfish would wear
that as a sock. I don't know, it makes perfect sense.
She's a goof. I mean there's a lot of that,
like oh this is this is this, like the quarter,
this is gum. She's like a really uh. She's learned
to make believe from her brother, you know, and it's
(18:03):
like it's like a less he has like a nonsense
sort of world. In his head, it makes perfect sense
to him, and he has all these all objects have
conversations with each other. And I feel like some of
this is her doing an impression of that that makes
even less sense. Yeah, I don't know. She just she's
really committing to Like she'll it'll be like in the kitchen,
(18:23):
she'll make I want the callow. I want the callow
like she just just like, I'm just gonna name it
and it's your job to know what I'm talking about.
I mean, before they had words, the would do the
same thing. They just go until they got what they
wanted and it worked out for It's just funny because
she comes up with very specific words. I mean, it's
like what motivated them to ever actually learn real words?
(18:46):
Because they go h and eventually get what they want. Anyway,
So what motivates them to actually communicate more specifically? What
motivates them communicating their desires clearly? And I know this
reminds me um. There was a guy we ran into
at the preschool open house who had one child daughter
there and he was very the only guy who asked questions.
(19:09):
He was really sweet, really nice guy. He was very
concerned about making sure his daughter doesn't watch too much TV,
and uh, he and we were he was talking about
how he said each other. He was talking about it
did baby sign language with her as a baby, which
we also did a little bit with Burn. But it
was just funny couple of days, like he was like, yeah,
(19:30):
because he's like, oh, we really can't have an out
watching too much TV. And we were thinking, like our
kids watching TV NonStop? Um, so they don't, like, don't
as long as they can't touch a screen. God, I'm
so tired of talking about TV. I'm getting closer and
closer to saying no TV on nights. Were just Daddy's home.
(19:53):
It's so nice. They're so sweet and they do Baron
does puzzles anyway. Uh, I will say, like he has
one child who's four, And I'm like, could you imagine
if we didn't have Mayven and we actually just like
still paid it as much attention to Brian as we
did for the first twenty months of his life. Yeah,
(20:14):
he'd be even more of a monster boy. This is
this is already the theme of the episode. We really
got to ignore that kid more. This next segment is
called did you Knows? This is where we share some
parenting related facts and information. All right, I got some info.
(20:36):
This one's pretty straight forward today. This I read on
our own networks um site, how stuff Works. I got
this from how stuff Works. UM. So this is about kids.
So obviously we know many, many, many kids, including our
son Brian, are very very picky eaters, and we I
(20:57):
have found it. I think a lot of parents find
that over like the first few years of their life,
like they're eating habits can change pretty dramatically. Been with
Britain was a really good eater for a while, like
right now, Maven eats a lot of things, but then
Brina turned a corner and he is incredibly picky in
what he eats. Uh So, children typically outgrow extremely narrow
(21:22):
eating habits after a while, the natural part of growing up,
but weary weariness of new food, also known as food neophobia,
is part of an evolutionary adaptation designed to protect our
ancestors from eating harmful substances. So once kids, and this
actually makes sense, meaning we once kids get to a
certain age where like they're running around on their own,
(21:44):
I feel like they're eating gets a little pickier and
that's beak so that they don't go eat random things
they've never seen before in the forest and it's poison
and they die. They eat what's familiar to them, and
that's the you know, that's a big part of getting
them into healthy food habits. So like their taste buds
(22:05):
aren't fully formed, so they literally don't have the taste
buds for all for all the foods adults eat. Um.
So basically there's there's some super like simple and reading this,
I was like, well, boy, these are really obvious, um,
but those are usually the most helpful tips things you
(22:27):
can do to improve habits because like Brin right now,
actually the example in this article was like, it's not
a problem that they're picky, but if it means that
peanut butter only diet, that can be a problem. It's
like that's all Brenn wants to eat as a peanut
butter sandwich. He suddenly got picking. It's like, I'm not
into jelly anymore. Uh So he has a not a
(22:51):
ton of fruits and vegetables. Well, my tactic has been recently,
now that he's starting preschool, we've got these little topper
whereas he takes with the snack. That's great. I once
he's got his snack in front of him, in front
of a group of kids, and it's a routine. He
doesn't have us around to complain to. So you throw
carrots in their raisins. What happens pretty well, it comes
(23:11):
back mostly eaten. Yeah, he eats pretty well when he's
away from us. Yeah. Um, so I think that's a
good place to try to force him when he literally
can't argue with us exactly. So there's four really simple
tips in this, and one of them requires foresight and time,
and I think this is the least likely thing we're
(23:31):
gonna end up doing, which is one let them help,
where like if you if you invest them in the process,
Like you take him the store and you're like, all right, brand,
we need to pick a vegetable, but I'm gonna let
you help me, So like, which one do you think
is interesting? And if you could actually get him to
pick and then you know, take it home and let
him participate in preparing it, it's far more likely. I
(23:55):
remember my mom doing this with me at certain points
when I was like, oh, maybe I am to whatever
the maybe I do like art to choke, um, and uh,
then you're invested in because the eating, but like the
taste of something is only part of it's also the
smell and the visual image and literally the story of it. Yeah, well,
(24:17):
I have noticed. I feel like they're finally getting old
enough now where if I'm trying to cook dinner and
they're like hanging around at my feet, I am trying
to now like put them on a chair so they
can see what I'm doing and so I can talk
to them about like chopping food or something. It's just
a nice distraction instead of having them like screaming at
me for snacks while I'm trying to make dinner. Yeah boy, yeah,
(24:37):
I it's gotten so much easier. But just trying to
make dinner used to be so hard because they'd immediately
be there screaming for milk or snack in the fridge.
And now I mean I just say like no, not
til it's over, not till I have dinner, and they
they're used to that now, or they'll get a banana something.
It's hard though, because may even Mayven, you can tell
(25:00):
sometimes when you pick her up a nake care she's
just so hungry and I can I relate to her
raw animal rage, like you have to give her a
banana or something because you can tell her body is you.
I'm not like this, but like when you get hungry,
it's like a much bigger deal. Well I do. It
(25:22):
is actually, I think a difference in women's and men's
bodies because our bodies are always trying to you know,
be able to support like reproducing, Like our bodies are
always trying to remind us to be capable of that.
So especially with like PMS and stuff art, it's like
(25:42):
your body is literally screaming at you. And men's bodies
are different because it's like that you know, historically like
hunter gatherer societies like men would be more like out
there catching food. So your body is literally just better
suited to be like on the go, running on low
steam and like, um, yeah, be quicker, being leaner is
(26:05):
more of a survival. Um, it's more of a pro
than a con for men, Like well I have learned,
Um it's I mean because like having snacks that we
talked about is having snacks around or like I hate
it because I'll eat it all and then I'll be
a fat But it's so I'm like, just let's not
buy snacks, but for your and my emotional well, being,
(26:26):
we need quick access to snacks at a certain point. Well,
I mean, especially when I was breastfeeding. You the amount
of hungary you get when you're breastfeeding and you're like,
your body is not just hungry, it's just like, within
a matter of minutes, all of a sudden, your body
is like, give me chocolate or I will kill you.
It's closing in and it's it's just it's insane. Well,
(26:50):
the next thing is tied into what we alread talking about,
which is making the food fun, which I think a
lot of parents have tried to do. And I don't
know that I ever have tried to make a meal
fun for my kids. I've tried to make it edible
and in front of them, but beyond that, I did
make Brand the number four shaped pancake for his birthday.
(27:12):
That was the most fun food I ever gave him. Well,
I also think that for us every every year, a
lot of it. I think at this point, because Brand
has gotten so crazy, it's just a matter of stalking
the kitchen with things where the whatever, the thing that
is most treat like that we have is still fairly nutritious.
So he's been going crazy lately for these Coronela bars
(27:36):
that he refers to his chocolate bars and they're still
on the like this is real food, end of the spectrum,
in spite of being not the greatest thing for him
to eat. Boy, that was another one that became an
issue because we never talked about it, but like I
made a big point to him that these are first
pre k you do not have these at home. And
(27:57):
then like I came home and he's eating one. He's
like he looked at me and he's like he's like, Mama,
gave me a chocolate bar. But this is he was
rolling a chair into the kitchen, going through every cabinet.
And I'm not blaming you. I've never told you that
I had that conversation. No, but I don't. It's not
about the conversation. It's just that he at a certain
point when you're a four year old, is climbing the countertops.
(28:20):
He's going to find it. He's gonna find it. You're right,
I mean, it's making the snacks healthy. Is is an important,
amazing step. Um that being said, Number three limits sweets
and snacks. The this is where we have to find
we have to have some sort of system. It's a
(28:42):
little all over the place because I I have a system.
I give him things to die him over, and then
you give him snacks and then he doesn't need a meal.
And that's the thing about having healthy snacks is then
I'm like, you know, it doesn't even matter if he
doesn't need the meal. I'm just if the snacks are
nutritious enough. But a big the big sacrifice has been
(29:03):
like vegetables, Like he won't eat his meal. We're not
giving him a snack of like fruits and vegetables, right,
But he's also at an age where him and his
friends like, for the most part literally just don't eat vegetables.
Like I think you have to supplement a lot of
fruit and stuff, and like you find the one vegetable
(29:24):
they like, like carrots or whatever, and go for it.
Because it's not like it's just literally how little kids
are you. There's not like, well here's the last part,
because well, one, I think something my mom would always do,
and you've done this to me, which is effective, which
is just like it was an hour before dinner or whenever,
(29:46):
she would just always make vegetables first, and she go
put them on the table in front of the TV
while she made the rest of dinner, and I'd be
sitting there and watching TV and I end up eating
a tire bowl of broccoli because it's just there. Yeah. Well,
I mean that's what I've been trying to do with
with the carrots. It's just that's what out before they
have other things on their minds. I think that's brilliant. Um.
(30:08):
So the last thing, the last thing I say is
and this is where I started learned the most stick
to it and keep in mind, like in terms of
healthy food, getting them to eat these things and expanding
their palates, is that stick to it doesn't mean insist.
Forcing your kids to eat something won't do much good
beyond some momentory, terry, nutritional value, and will probably end
(30:31):
up producing a person with food and eating issues. Many
studies on tape preferences have found that the way we
acquire our food preferences is through repetition, and that sometimes
basically you can serve a food to a kid like
fourteen times before it becomes a familiar food. And that's
the biggest thing is that they're picky because they want
(30:54):
to eat things they're familiar with the history and so
just giving them broccoli and they're like I won't eat it.
Isn't like, well, they don't like broccoli, so never give
it to them again. The thing is you keep giving
it to that child, and then it becomes normal. Because
I had that big time. It was always something new
that I was like, I'm I'm not trying that, and
then I wouldn't get that. Broccoli was the one that
(31:17):
I ended up loving because my mom would make it
every single night and I remember hitting it and then
it was just eventually like, oh, it's fine. Yeah, they're
They're also just at an age where there at daycare
and all the kids are like pointing at things being like,
that's disgusting. That's the big word of the day. Yeah,
Brent's favorite word this week is that's disgusting. And I
think it didn't help that he got some big laughs
(31:39):
and he's like, look at that pig, it's disgusting. Well,
he said it to me the other day because we
were reading this book called Romping Stomper, Romping Monsters, Stomping Monsters,
and he was pointing at the monsters and he was like,
that monster only has one eye. That's disgusting, and I
laughed and he knew it was funny. So then he
kept pointing at all the monsters and he was like,
(32:02):
three eyes, that's disgusting. And then he he pointed the
ball in a row and he goes, one eye disgusting,
two eyes, okay, three eyes disgusting. And then he just
started listing numbers of eyes and he's like, four eyes disgusting. Five.
Now we've trained our child to notice that someone in
his class is different in any way. And well, then
(32:24):
I tried to talk to him about it for that reason,
and I was like, well, it's not really nice to
say things about like people who are different, you know.
I was like, we can say it about this monster
book because it's just silly, but we shouldn't like laugh
at people who are different and call them disgusting. And
then he got really like pouty. He's like, you're ruining
the game anyway. That's his new word. He he told
(32:48):
me today. He was like he's like, yeah, I'm gonna
take this toy away like I did to this And
he said a name with the kid in his class,
and I was like, what were you and me into
this kid? He's like, yeah, and me and my other
friend we were of this kid. We got in trouble,
and he was like not thinking about what he's saying,
and he was like sort of bragging about being a bully.
(33:12):
And then I stopped and I looked at him very seriously.
I wasn't getting angry. I was just like, were you
being mean to somebody in your class? And I just
gave him like the the confident dad stare and he
looked at me with a smile that slowly faded away,
and he was like, yeah, like you did you say
(33:35):
you're sorry? Um, I didn't say I was sorry. Like, well,
that's probably not a nice thing that you did, right,
He's like yeah, it's like fun. Bit was going away,
and like maybe I think you should be nice to
him tomorrow, right, don't you think that would be good?
He goes, yeah, okay, I guess though. And I was like,
(33:57):
after a day of sort of getting enraged with him him,
it felt like a good parenting moment. I'm like, I'm
being serious, I'm not letting this go well. I think
brag about being a jerk again. I think this is
a repetition thing where it's like I had a similar
moment with him. It's like you have to sort of
tell him it's wrong, but not get like overworked up,
(34:18):
because then again, I think he wants to fight you
on it. But it's just like I want to assume,
as in spite of his really aggressive personality, that if
he just hears these things from us enough times over
the course of time and he's sort of will accept
it as the true. Yeah, it felt It stood out
(34:38):
to me when I walked away and be like, oh,
that felt right in terms of it wasn't me going
I'm putting on like my top tier alpha male where
he's just reading into me challenging him and he gets
scared or shuts down, Well, that doesn't work, or if
it's the U, I'm being overly like like a soft
(35:03):
explaining that's not good. Right, And it was that I'm
talking to you directly, but I'm very very direct and
serious and calm and confident what I'm saying. And he
read that is he read that tone. Well, Well, there's
this woman, Renee Brown, who's a shame researcher. She's really
well known for talking a lot about how shame is
(35:23):
really harmful, and you know, it's all this sort of
like Catholic guild stuff. You remember, I like just you know,
the stuff that makes people become alcoholics because they feel
like horrible human beings. But um, she talks about guilt
versus shame, and she talks about how guilt can be
a positive thing because it's like motivating us to do better.
(35:45):
So it's okay to feel guilty about something if you
have sort of like a growth mindset of like, Okay,
that's not something I want to do again. The shame
is sort of just thinking not that the action is bad,
but that you are intrinsically bad. So I think that's
why we have to be careful. When we talked to
me about this stuff, and we've talked about this in
the past, you don't say like you're a bad boy.
(36:05):
You say like that was a bad thing somebody wrote
in and we're gonna talk about that because it's yeah,
you don't. If you are too intense and reprimanding them,
all they're seeing is like you hate me, you think
I'm bad. They're not learning the lesson. That's the distinction.
If he is reading, oh, daddy is thinks I'm bad,
(36:27):
that's not good. But if I'm saying, hey, I'm showing
you that this is important and I'm wanting you to
think about what this is like for that other person.
We're focusing on empathy for somebody else, then I'm not
in the way of that process because we need him
to think about that kid and that exchange and that
social circle. But if I'm challenging him, he's just he's
(36:51):
just focused on There's a couple of times today where
you were like very quickly, like raising your voice at him,
and I feel like the message he's getting from that,
he's like, like me, we're in a fight. Like he's not.
I don't think he's like it's hard for him to
glean the message from that. And this is a perfect
contrast of doing it successfully and getting upset myself and
(37:15):
failing because it started fine and then I got You
saw me when I put him in the car, like
I was in a rage and I was just doing
everything I could not to scream I'm over it. Um.
So let's give him broccoli every day? Is that the
lesson put smiley faces on broccoli, that's all he gets.
(37:42):
This next segment is called would you Knows? This is
where Peter and I give each other hypothetical parenting situations
and ask each other how we would react. All Right,
Betty for this one. This is a dumb one. I
just thought of this five minutes ago. Okay, you come
home from work. Okay, you're going on a trip next week, right, Um,
(38:04):
I'm going out of town, and then you're going out
of town. So let's say you get back from l
A and you walk in the door and Bryn walks
up to you, and Brent says, Beth listened to me.
This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm Peter Brennan. Brenn
and I freaky Friday to this weekend, and we've been
trying to figure it out before you got home, and
(38:26):
we don't know what to do. My immediate question would be, Bryan,
I don't believe you. Why is Peter's face not covered
in Colonel Labar chocolate? Then you go into the kitchen
and that's exactly what's covering Peter's face because he's in there,
he's Bryan and he's just been eating all this. This
(38:46):
was Brent, this was Peter as brand who is selling
this to me. And this is me in Bryn's body,
explaining it to you that I'm Peter and the serious problem.
We touched something together. We Pete in the fountain we
wrote in the Magic diory, whatever it happened, it happened,
and we don't know how to undo it, and we
probably have to learn a lesson before we undo it.
(39:07):
But in before we learn that lesson, how do you
deal with a week, let's say of Peter sized Brian
and Brian sized Peter. M hmm okay, well, Peter size
Bran is definitely gonna have to go sleep in Brian's
bed so I don't have to deal with this thrashing
(39:28):
all night. That's gonna be some dangerous thrashing. Yeah, that's
your first concern is how you would sleep? Yeah, I
mean I don't. This is like I feel like I'm
immediately going to be like wrestling Peter sized Bran. Like
I need to call like authorities or something because no
(39:50):
one will believe you. I'm gonna adjust it. You know
that it's going to be cured in a week. You've
got to get through a week? What do you do? Okay?
So I know you don't agree with these parenting tactics,
but Peter size brand needs a lot of bribing right now.
(40:10):
There's gonna be a lot of TV. How long is
that going to work? We have a whole week. We
gotta get through. Well, then we probably gotta drug him
because I can't get him outside and run him around
and burn off calories or what because he's but Peter
size Brian really out of shape, So he probably won't
(40:31):
make it that far. I don't know. Probably Peter size
brain would probably have more endurance. Let's not forget how
regular normal Peter Uh usually injures himself in improv scenes,
going out of his way to perform feats of strength
for the audience. Yeah, so Peter size Bran is definitely
(40:55):
going to get injured because he doesn't realize that falling
down when you're a grown man is like a bigger
deal than him falling down every seconda Can you, um explain,
just as an aside to their listeners, how brand describes
your appearance and hair? Oh yeah, so this is a
conversation that he had with my mom with his grandma. Um,
(41:16):
he said, grandma or something about beards, and he goes,
she was like something about him being thirty five. No, no, no,
she goes, do you like beards? He goes, yeah, when
I get when i'm older, I'm going to have a
mustache and a beard and glasses and a little bit
of hair on top. That's how he describes about me,
(41:37):
a bald man. And Grandma goes, oh, yeah, when's that
going to happen? He goes, when I'm thirty five, because
that's how old I am. Just a little bit hair,
a little bit of hair on top. What a positive
way to say Dad's bald. I'm glad he's resigned to it.
Oh yeah, I mean all my almost all my uncles
are bald. I knew it was happening. I panicked about
(42:00):
it when I was eighteen and someone looked at my
shoulder and said, hey, you going bald, and I was
saying what, And then the next day I was like, oh,
well I'll be funnier, so, oh well, men can still
get what they want in this world. Hey, you're into
it was that bald ish when you met me? You're starting?
(42:21):
Was it? You were like, oh, this guy's going bald.
It wasn't really like something I thought much about. I
think that's the funny thing about the men's perception of
going bald is that it's like this huge detractor, because
it's something I very very rarely ever hear woman even
talk about. It's not like I've never been worried about it.
(42:44):
Take that, don't worry about it best. She just wanted
to find like someone who looked like a salty sea captain,
and uh, I was like, I'll be that pretty soon. Anyway,
Call my work, will you. I'll explain this when I'm
a in size Peter, call your work, all my work.
Tell them I'm sick this week. Let's get them out
of freak and then let's have a bizarre fun time.
(43:08):
I mean, the thing is you as brit If you
went in and did the Story Parents podcast as brit
as a precocious kid, you'd be having the time of
your life. Story Parents would be like, oh my god,
a kid we can work with and he'll take direction.
You Just that's the greatest ideas, Like I have to
use this week to record like the performance of a
(43:30):
lifetime is my thirty five years of performance experience in
a hilarious four year old. But meanwhile, I have your
adult body muzzled in a closet the whole week. Oh boy,
maybe would be terrified. And that is would your nose?
(43:54):
Now it's time for our listeners. Want to nose is
where we reach into the mail bag. Um, we got
one here this week from Cheryl. Cheryl writes to us
and says, hi, there, I'm writing from the Great White
North a k a. Quebec, and I have three kids.
They're older than yours, almost thirteen, almost ten, and seven.
(44:15):
But listening to your show brings back so many memories,
good and bad, from when my kiddos were younger. It
I just listened to the one about brand being in
tantra mode all the time. That was last week's episode.
We're recording really close to release date. I remember that
phase super well. What really hit me about that episode
(44:36):
was when Brent asked if he had been a bad boy.
When my oldest was about six months old, I went
to a parenting workshop since I knew nothing. That's a
good idea. Maybe we should do that sometime, And they
talked about something super interesting. They said, we should try
to avoid labeling kids as good or bad, but rather
focus on the actual behavior. Um spell For example, you're
(45:02):
being bad versus you're making a bad choice. The latter
doesn't have quite the same shame factor. Plus it gives
them something to think about improving that you can talk
with your kids about together. If a child I categorized
as if a child I categorized as bad, that if
I categorize the child as bad, they may feel that
(45:23):
they are inherently bad no matter what they do. Similarly,
if you call someone a good girl, it sets up
that dichotomy instead of saying that they're good a compliment,
then on something real, their compassion, their kindness, their sibling behavior,
whatever it is. This is something that we pretty much
are able to do with our kids when they were
(45:45):
young and ever since then. It's such a trigger from
me when I hear parentings calling their kids good or bad.
I love to hear your thoughts on this. I love
the show share all. I will say in that episode
that I was trying to say that that I recognized
that you should not call him a bad boy. Yeah. Well, okay,
so we already kind of talked about this. I think
(46:05):
we agree with Cheryl. I do think that's a really
interesting point she added about calling someone a good girl,
because I think that sort of relates back to me.
Wanted to like impress this preschool teacher is like I think,
as a woman, and specifically someone who grew up as
like the shy kid. It was kind of just like
(46:27):
expected that I would like fade into the background and
not be a problem. And this is something I'm still
trying to work on, I think recently, is like forgiving
myself for not being perfect in every situation, allowing myself
to like be emotional if a situation calls for that,
(46:47):
and like be human. And that's really hard. I think
for a lot of women. It's just like it's really
expected of us to sort of like be doing all
this emotional labor for the people around us and like
taking care of them and just like push our needs down, um,
(47:07):
And it's it's hard, Like there is a connotation to that,
because I when I read that, that was the thing
that maybe we want to read this is that like,
oh should I because I say good boy, good girl
to them a lot, and he has a connotation to
what a good girl like. I've caught myself doing this
(47:29):
to maybe too, Like when Brin's tantrum and it's like
I already know she's so used to being sort of
like the quiet background one like me, and I'm sort
of like I've turned to her when he's like having
a tantrum when we're trying to get to the car,
I'm like, maybe I just really need you to be
good right now, Like I'm like, I just I need
(47:50):
someone to help, as we know, she is, until he
calms down, and then she won't watch. Yeah, she waits
for his tantrum to fade, and then she's like, my turn. Well,
I think she knows that her tantrum will be ignored
if his tantrum is going on, because he is the
more damaging one, So she waits for the spotlight to
be hers. But I also have to say, again, you're
(48:10):
gonna hate this. I think she's an EmPATH like me,
and she takes on the intensity of the situation. She's
like all worked up, and then those people have finally
calmed down, and she's like, well, you worked me up,
so now I need to express this emotion. Yeah. I
don't know that you're wrong. That's that's all I'll say
(48:32):
on that. But yeah, I mean it's I think it's
definitely I can't. I totally already agree that you'd never
say you're a bad boy. It is what you did. Um,
this is not good behavior. Uh, the actions themselves, not
the person um. And I think that's really interesting that,
(48:55):
like don't label someone as a good girl good boy.
But I think it is far less damaging. Yeah, I
don't know. It's hard. May even did sit start saying
this week after um she so she got her haircut.
They both got haircuts. They're both very cute. She was
being really sweet and I kept calling her cute, and
(49:18):
she at one point she's walking around, she was just like,
I'm cute, and I was like, I did not. I
don't talk about her appearance ever. I know, well I don't.
I'm definitely not like it's definitely not my primary thing
I say to her. But it's like it's hard now
(49:39):
when she clearly is like starting to be aware of
her appearance. And she likes ponytails, and she likes dresses,
and she loves pink. She loves pinks so much so
I like she she got so mad at the ice
cream store when they didn't have pink spoons. She wouldn't
need her frozen yogurt. I had to go and like,
do you have pink spoons in the back, I'll go look.
(50:00):
And then she was like, now I can eat my
frozen outgraph. Oh yeah, she's really into our pink spoon
all of a sudden. But this I'm trying to see
that as like a natural phase of being a girl.
We already talked on this show about some girls about
how pink little girl's eyeballs are our little girl's eyeballs.
Episode talks about this episode one the cones. It's their cones.
(50:24):
So I don't I don't want to deny her reality,
like her preferences deserved like a degree of respect. I think,
so that going forward in her life, she's like, my likes,
my desires are her own, are mine, and I'm allowed
to have them, you know what I mean. So I
don't see it as all bad, but I'm like the
big maybe I should cool it on the calling. There's
(50:46):
a study I think we're going to talk about it
next week of just of how girls um, how they
view themselves these days is far improved in terms of
like they see themselves as potential leader, been good at
math and science compared to older generations. But the big
difference is that they feel like what they look like
(51:10):
matters more, uh to everyone else than it does for boys.
And like that's what stops me from going You're so
pretty like ever because unfortunately the world looks at them
too much that way, And so I wanted to be
out of their head as much as possible. It's hard. Yeah,
(51:32):
it's hard though, because I think, like I don't like,
I don't want that to be your whole thing, and
I really like, I kind of love that. My experience
growing up was very like not focused on that. But
then at the same time, it's like, sometimes I feel
like my experience growing up was so not focused on
that because of like financial restrictions and just not being
(51:56):
able to explore different clothing and make up options and
all those things that I wish part of me wishes
like I knew what I liked or like I knew
like I wish that had that was like a little
bit more open to me of exploring. Like yeah, but
it's I think there's always a I think it might
(52:18):
always be. Yeah, I'm not I don't think I would
like severely damaged by that or anything. I just think
I I'm very damaged. I think that, like it's okay
for little girls to explore that stuff, Like it's if
it's fun for them, they should get to explore that,
(52:41):
Like I don't. Again, it's like you shouldn't be forcing
it on little girls who don't. But if they themselves
are pursuing that and are interested in it, like because
maybe has like put on like tinted chapstick, and she
looks at herself in the mirror and she is so
excited and she like eagles maniacally, and it's like, I
(53:02):
think this is someone who likes that stuff like and
maybe she won't like it in two years, maybe she'll
be over it and then we'll let it go. But
I feel like, now, while she is excited by it,
I want to let her. We're not stopping her from
liking anything. And I just think it's and I don't
we're not really pushing it either. Um, it's a I
(53:23):
think we're doing a good job talking about it makes
it easier. But before we end, I just want to say,
Matthew's so beautiful. Thank you. Oh my god. That'll do
it for this week's episode of We Knows Parenting. If
you want to reach out send us a story, a question,
(53:45):
a would you know scenario? You can email us at
two we Knows pod at gmail dot com, or call
us on our voicemail. You can find that number on
our website, We Knows Parenting dot com, where you can
also buy some merch um. Yeah, please find us on
iTunes and like subscribe. Find us on Apple Podcast. Find
(54:07):
us on Apple Podcast, rate and subscribe. It really helps
us out if you give us a quick rating and
write a review. Makes us just feel good about ourselves.
We feel so good if you say even the most
slightly kind thing, if you're just like, not shitty, I'll
be like, great, I'll take it. I also want to
(54:29):
plug this week very exciting. Um. As you know, I'm
also one of the hosts of the Story Pirates podcast
and excellent children's entertainment podcast, where we adapt stories written
by kids into bizarre sketches and songs. Check out that show.
But we just released our very first musical album, an
album of twelve incredible songs inspired by stories written by kids,
(54:52):
and not just because I worked for that company. It's incredible.
We can attest our children love these songs. There's one
called Happy Fart Out Loud Day, there's other less disgusting one.
There is one about farts, but I promise there's only
one about arts, and there's incredible songs on them on
the iTunes charts right now. Check it out. I'm very
(55:14):
very proud. If you want to see here, track twelve,
I play a character who loses their mind. It's very
shot and ask you should check it out. Wherever you
get your music, wherever you get your podcast, check out
all these things. I'm going out of town this week,
best to be out of town next week, so we'll
probably have some weird over the Phone episode next week.
(55:35):
It's gonna be cool until next time. Fight
Hello, and welcome to we know his parenting. I'm Peter
McNerney and I'm Beth Nowell, and here we are again
for those of you joining us for the very first time. Boy,
we're parents and we're married, and we've got kids. There
two and they're four, and their names are Maven and Brynn.
That's the backstory, Beth. This was quite a week. I
feel like a lot of things happened. The biggest one
(00:34):
for me, I think was pre K parent night at school.
This was surprisingly emotional for me. How was it for you? Uh? Similar?
It's everything with preschool is like it seems like such
a big milestone and so intense and then simultaneously like
so not a big deal when you're doing it. So
(00:55):
it was like, I don't know. I think I was
telling you the other day when we when we first
found out he had he was starting preschool, it was
like I felt anxious to meet the teacher because I
think in my mind it was like, Okay, we're meeting
this authority figure we have to like live up and
be good. And then you meet this woman who is
like younger than us. Well, you were worried about what
(01:17):
she would think of us, I still am wow, well yeah, boy,
I had the opposite. Yeah, You're like, oh, this is
gonna be great. I get to show off. Yeah. I
mean my first thought one of you before you meet
the person, I'm like, m I hope they're a good teacher,
they're not crappy. But as soon as I got into
that classroom and we're all sitting in baby chairs because
(01:39):
it's a pre kay classroom, instantly she starts talking, and
you know, years of school come back where I'm like this.
It felt like the first day of school, where like
I'm nervous to talk to other people, but there's there's
like this weird competitive thing in me where I was
like I need to be the best listener, the best student.
(02:02):
I sat up front. Well that's sort of where I'm
coming from, but like in a different way because I'm
used to being the shy kid growing up, and so
it's really weird to live through this stuff with Brin
as your son, who's like the most outgoing person ever
and running into like teachers and school administrators who are like, oh,
you're Brain's parents. We love Brian, And it's weird because
(02:25):
I think we both simultaneously were like, yeah, of course
you do, like he's so social and funny, Like it's
bizarre to have that reaction when people say that, You're like, yeah,
what was your relationship with teachers, like in general going
through school? Were you? I mean, because you can be
hard to read and quiet, and I'd imagine some teachers
didn't get you and like maybe thought you had an
(02:46):
attitude or misread you in some weird way. Yeah, it
was like a mix of because I was like quiet,
like goody two shoes mostly, but like also is quiet
and sort of like a spacey way. So a lot
of teachers loved that, and then some teachers just hated
it um specifically, like in like elementary school gym class,
(03:09):
like if we're playing volleyball, which is an incredibly slow,
boring sport to play with kids who can't keep a
ball in there, it's like you hate nothing more than
arbitrary competition. Well, I yeah, and I hate like arbitrary
activities where you're just like nothing's happening. So but my
mind would wander because it's a sport where you just
(03:30):
stand there and the ball never comes to you, and
I would space out and then the ball would finally
come over, like twenty minutes later and I wouldn't be
paying attention, and the gym teacher, this guy would be
like Elizabeth, Elizabeth, like you're the kid on my team
that would drive me nuts, where I'm like, come on,
we gotta whim. But I'm like, it's the game is
(03:53):
so boring when your kids, and it's moving so slowly,
so I would inevitably be looking at like grass or
something thing. It's it's like the first baseball, the first
year that kids get to pitch. Boy, the game really
slows down. Yeah, My experience with teachers was very um
was it feels like the experience Britain is going to
(04:14):
have where I'd be really shy for a second and
then I'd as soon as I realized people were comfortable
with me, the spotlight would come out, and then I
was just charming teachers, teachers and friends, moms. That's my wheelhouse. Well,
it's funny. The teachers at his schools were obviously like
(04:34):
already charmed by Britain because he already has said something
weird to all of them. And the assistant teacher was like, oh, Brian,
he's funny, because she said he was. He was talking
to her and he was like, I'm so tired. And
she was like why, and he was like, I go
to two schools. And he was talking about how he
goes from daycare to preschool like a grizzled blue collar workers.
(05:00):
I gotta go to my other job over and a
good school. I'm glad to be here. I just you know,
I got a lot on my plate. You know, it's
stuff sometimes, but I am happy to be here. I'm appreciative.
Thank you so much, preschool teacher. The there's a few
funny things that happened. One the precade teachers seems really
(05:20):
sweet and and she's getting her master's and like she
seems like a perfect to insult her, No, she seems
like she seems like she's very good at her job
and a very wonderful presence for a bunch of four
year olds. Um, but like as as an actor, as
an improviser, comedian, it's been a long time since I've
(05:43):
been in the audience and an audience where somebody is
leading who has no idea how to like perform for
the room full of adults. And I had no idea
what she was talking about a lot of time, and
she was just like so nervously going through these bullet
points in her head, and there was these things we
were supposed to do that she never explained to us,
(06:05):
like this worksheet we could fill out. Well, that was
the hardest for my like goody two shoes desire to please,
because I knew there was like stuff we were supposed
to do, like you were supposed to fill out a sheet,
draw a picture for your kid when they got to
school the next day, and she wasn't explaining any of it,
and like other people were doing it, and I was like,
we didn't get told what to do, like it was
like it really wants she like maybe told one person,
(06:27):
and other people started doing it, and then I was like,
are we supposed to do this? She's like yeah, okay,
And we walked in and the previous session was leaving.
No one said hi to us. But as soon as
we sat down, it started filling out the sheet about
our child and just next to these other parents. That
part of my competitive school brain turned on when I
(06:49):
was like, Okay, I gotta look humble, but I also
need to beat all these people. Yeah, you're really showing
off with your drawing. Well the drawing to also, I'm
like I can. I can I do atty good caricatures
of people. And I started doing this, and vaguely in
the back of my head, I'm like, here's what I realized.
(07:09):
And this was true very much in school. I was
really nervous until I did something that impressed somebody, and
then I was like, now I feel comfortable being myself
because like I maybe it's the super selfish I have
an audience now the same sort of thing. As soon
as someone was like, wow, that's a great drawing and
(07:32):
I was like, okay, I'm comfortable of talking to parents now. Yeah. Well,
I think this is the same reason why Brenn is
the kid that they need to like designate leadership roles
to him. The line later, Yeah, he has to feel
important so that he doesn't act out to try to
try to get attention. It's like this is a big tool.
I've been doing some leadership training at Story Parts recently,
(07:57):
and yeah, one of the a difficult thing to deal
with is like the know it all or like the
back the back seat leader and you u but like
if you're leading something and you've got like the back
seat director in your group, and like the best tactic
for that is to give them an arbitrary job to
(08:17):
be like, hey, I'm gonna needs your help. Can you
take charge of this thing? Then they're like, oh, yeah,
I know. My boss would uh would do that to
me all the time early on, and Thory Price was like, hey,
I got an important job for you. Will you make
sure that everyone has the right colored shirt on. I'm like,
I'm on it, And really it was just partly getting
me out of his hair. But I think Brian is
(08:39):
very much that kid. Was like, brand, what need you
to be the line leader today? And then he's focused. Yeah,
They're like he's like calendar helper. Oh boy, that's his
dream job, explaining days. He loves to explain days of
the week. He's he you know, he can be a
little nuts at home, but I can tell he's like us,
(09:02):
like we do like rules. I think of you sometimes
more as a like I was gonna say, rebel than me,
but I think we both we both want to know
what the rules are and we follow them. And I
think that's in the middle of our fund diagram. You're
just more skeptical than I am. I mean, I I
(09:26):
cater to it in like a people pleasing sort of way.
Like I'm like, well, I want to get this right.
I want this to run smoothly. You want the attention. Yeah,
I do it so that everyone knows that I get
it well. I'm also immensely uncomfortable if other people are uncomfortable,
and the best way to make it people comfortable is
to just do it myself, take care of everything. Um hmmm.
(09:51):
So that was the big thing. That was the big
thing this week. What else? We're still having a little
bit of crazy uh brand So last week brand was
huge tangent. I will say after we recorded that episode,
I had a great week with Brendan Maven where we
really talked about his behavior and and um sort of
(10:13):
talking about things early on and it was way smooth
until today we went to this like local parks farm
with the kids and it was nightmarish at times, and
I got real emotional. And I think a big thing
that happened, like the are both of our strengths and weaknesses,
(10:38):
Like when they're a little bit aligned, we we make
it worse. I think I jumped to threat of punishment
way too fast, and you jumped to bribery too fast.
And when we do it together, Bryan knows that he's
got options, and he like neither one of them. You
(11:00):
were also today like breathing down his neck a lot
about like doing things right, and like you're starting these
fights a little bit. It's like, yes, I am guilty
of that, but it's also the when I'm alone with him, Uh,
the rules are clear, like I don't you think I do,
(11:22):
but I don't lay down arbitrary rules like it's it's
very predictable with me because morning, no, you were coming
up with things this morning. I'm trying to decompress from
a very stressful week. Our new cycle has been NonStop rape,
and you have decided I want to take I want
(11:45):
to take a nice family trip to a farm, and
all of a sudden, you decide Saturday morning is your
time to start instituting new rules and deciding that our
kids suddenly need to eat healthy and we need to
make sure that there's they're eating regular food. Like this
is an arbitrary new rule. It's not the time to
(12:07):
start instituting it when I'm just trying to You know,
you're You're probably right, but this is something that we
as we're in the middle of it. I was like,
Beth and I needed we needed. All of the major
issues were like, these are things we should have talked
about before the moment we needed to do it. Food
is a big one that I'm worried about with Britain
right now, where he won't eat anything at all. Right,
(12:32):
But like you that stuff you plan ahead when you're
buying the groceries and the week and you're making the food.
It's not like you're not like at a restaurant with
a plateful of French fries suddenly like nitpicking every dietary
choice he's banking. It's wait, wait, wait, you mean when
he refused to eat the chicken tenders and all he
wanted to eat was the French fries that he poured
(12:54):
sugar on. I literally don't care. Also, potatoes are a
complete source of nutrition, that's all he ate. I don't care.
I was trying to enjoy. I was trying to give
my kids outside. But then you're bribing him to behave
with ice cream later, and I was like, we can't
give him ice cream. He didn't eat lunch, He's gonna
go even more crazy lunch. He ate a healthy lunch
(13:17):
of potatoes. The sugar on the French fries was I
mean The first thing you did at at lunch was MAYBN,
grab your sugar packet and you go here. Let me
help you with that, because I'm waiting at a restaurant
with two hungry kids, and again I'm trying to enjoy
(13:37):
myself Again. You woke up this morning and you handed
our kids sugar cereal and went back to beds. And
it's like honey nut cheerios. Okay, that decision doesn't count.
That's fine, But then if I want to be relaxed
around our kids, all of a sudden, it's like the
nutrition game. I don't mean to blame you, even though
I just blamed you. But in general, actually, a big
(14:01):
thing we're gona talking about later is exactly this, So
we won't get too far into it. But that's the
dilemma we have, is that we're dealing with it piecemeal. Uh.
And Bryn knows that, like he's getting different things from us,
and he's pitting us against each other, our our laziness,
he is exploiting because they exacerbate each other when when
(14:22):
we're together. Um, so it's a challenge that we're gonna overcome. Ah,
but boy said, the big the big thing at the
farm all he wanted to do was jump in a
muddy puddle and it and it drove me. I went
straight to I'm not we're not gonna get ice cream. Yeah.
(14:44):
Well that's the other thing is that I feel like
you escalated so quickly and so intensely that he's like
you're like offering him a challenge. Well, I stay emotionally
calm until I had to pick him up. An I
was saying, I say very m in those situations until
he starts. He literally jumped and I caught him midair
(15:05):
trying to go full double feet in a mud puddle.
I try to explain to him that, like it's gonna
make the car dirty, and then I have to take
it in and he doesn't want to hear it. And
I should have said nothing. I think. Trying to explain
to him why shouldn't do something, I think is the
thing that that exacerbates issues too quickly. That is where
like I'm making the biggest mistake. I like, I'm not.
(15:29):
I don't need to explain to him don't jump in puddles.
It's just no stay calm, and they keep way with
the puddles and ignore him. You're so fixated on it
where I was like trying to distract him and change
the topics, though he would be like his emotional intensity
would be a little diffused with constantly like out of
(15:49):
the blue, you're just like, here's another thing you can't do.
Like it's just getting him so worked up because there's
nothing arbitrary about the battle typics, like I don't want
to mud any car anyway. You're like pointing out to
him walking with me. He was fully calm, and you
were like needling him. You're like, there's a puddle coming up,
(16:12):
He's going to try to go in it, Like it's
just like you're telling him to be bad. Ah, you're
right in that. I have no regrets about stopping him
from doing it, but I just need to shut up
about it. I mean, I'm gonna have to keep grabbing
him because he's kept trying to do the puddles, but
I'm just gonna not explain it to him anymore. That's
(16:34):
my pledge to you. Um he needs to have less
next he's got any real foods. The other thing this
week that I think it's funny is that um May
even more and more has been just making up arbitrary
words for things so she um, she's killing it this week.
(16:54):
She just um, she sees something she wants. She doesn't
know the words, she just makes one up on the spot.
So brit was like handing us quarters and she was like,
give me that, give me my gum. I want my gum.
Give me my gum, and like you mean quarter and
she just digs her heels and she's like, no, I'm
calling it a gum. She's like, no, that's my gum.
(17:18):
She also did um. I was pulling out like winter
hats and stuff, and she found these rolled up mittens
so they are rolled up gloves so they look like
sort of a jellyfish with the fingers hang at them.
And she was like, oh, I need my jelly sock,
my jelly sock. And I'm just like how did she
(17:39):
come up with that? Like because a jellyfish would wear
that as a sock. I don't know, it makes perfect sense.
She's a goof. I mean there's a lot of that,
like oh this is this is this, like the quarter,
this is gum. She's like a really uh. She's learned
to make believe from her brother, you know, and it's
(18:03):
like it's like a less he has like a nonsense
sort of world. In his head, it makes perfect sense
to him, and he has all these all objects have
conversations with each other. And I feel like some of
this is her doing an impression of that that makes
even less sense. Yeah, I don't know. She just she's
really committing to Like she'll it'll be like in the kitchen,
(18:23):
she'll make I want the callow. I want the callow
like she just just like, I'm just gonna name it
and it's your job to know what I'm talking about.
I mean, before they had words, the would do the
same thing. They just go until they got what they
wanted and it worked out for It's just funny because
she comes up with very specific words. I mean, it's
like what motivated them to ever actually learn real words?
(18:46):
Because they go h and eventually get what they want. Anyway,
So what motivates them to actually communicate more specifically? What
motivates them communicating their desires clearly? And I know this
reminds me um. There was a guy we ran into
at the preschool open house who had one child daughter
there and he was very the only guy who asked questions.
(19:09):
He was really sweet, really nice guy. He was very
concerned about making sure his daughter doesn't watch too much TV,
and uh, he and we were he was talking about
how he said each other. He was talking about it
did baby sign language with her as a baby, which
we also did a little bit with Burn. But it
was just funny couple of days, like he was like, yeah,
(19:30):
because he's like, oh, we really can't have an out
watching too much TV. And we were thinking, like our
kids watching TV NonStop? Um, so they don't, like, don't
as long as they can't touch a screen. God, I'm
so tired of talking about TV. I'm getting closer and
closer to saying no TV on nights. Were just Daddy's home.
(19:53):
It's so nice. They're so sweet and they do Baron
does puzzles anyway. Uh, I will say, like he has
one child who's four, And I'm like, could you imagine
if we didn't have Mayven and we actually just like
still paid it as much attention to Brian as we
did for the first twenty months of his life. Yeah,
(20:14):
he'd be even more of a monster boy. This is
this is already the theme of the episode. We really
got to ignore that kid more. This next segment is
called did you Knows? This is where we share some
parenting related facts and information. All right, I got some info.
(20:36):
This one's pretty straight forward today. This I read on
our own networks um site, how stuff Works. I got
this from how stuff Works. UM. So this is about kids.
So obviously we know many, many, many kids, including our
son Brian, are very very picky eaters, and we I
(20:57):
have found it. I think a lot of parents find
that over like the first few years of their life,
like they're eating habits can change pretty dramatically. Been with
Britain was a really good eater for a while, like
right now, Maven eats a lot of things, but then
Brina turned a corner and he is incredibly picky in
what he eats. Uh So, children typically outgrow extremely narrow
(21:22):
eating habits after a while, the natural part of growing up,
but weary weariness of new food, also known as food neophobia,
is part of an evolutionary adaptation designed to protect our
ancestors from eating harmful substances. So once kids, and this
actually makes sense, meaning we once kids get to a
certain age where like they're running around on their own,
(21:44):
I feel like they're eating gets a little pickier and
that's beak so that they don't go eat random things
they've never seen before in the forest and it's poison
and they die. They eat what's familiar to them, and
that's the you know, that's a big part of getting
them into healthy food habits. So like their taste buds
(22:05):
aren't fully formed, so they literally don't have the taste
buds for all for all the foods adults eat. Um.
So basically there's there's some super like simple and reading this,
I was like, well, boy, these are really obvious, um,
but those are usually the most helpful tips things you
(22:27):
can do to improve habits because like Brin right now,
actually the example in this article was like, it's not
a problem that they're picky, but if it means that
peanut butter only diet, that can be a problem. It's
like that's all Brenn wants to eat as a peanut
butter sandwich. He suddenly got picking. It's like, I'm not
into jelly anymore. Uh So he has a not a
(22:51):
ton of fruits and vegetables. Well, my tactic has been recently,
now that he's starting preschool, we've got these little topper
whereas he takes with the snack. That's great. I once
he's got his snack in front of him, in front
of a group of kids, and it's a routine. He
doesn't have us around to complain to. So you throw
carrots in their raisins. What happens pretty well, it comes
(23:11):
back mostly eaten. Yeah, he eats pretty well when he's
away from us. Yeah. Um, so I think that's a
good place to try to force him when he literally
can't argue with us exactly. So there's four really simple
tips in this, and one of them requires foresight and time,
and I think this is the least likely thing we're
(23:31):
gonna end up doing, which is one let them help,
where like if you if you invest them in the process,
Like you take him the store and you're like, all right, brand,
we need to pick a vegetable, but I'm gonna let
you help me, So like, which one do you think
is interesting? And if you could actually get him to
pick and then you know, take it home and let
him participate in preparing it, it's far more likely. I
(23:55):
remember my mom doing this with me at certain points
when I was like, oh, maybe I am to whatever
the maybe I do like art to choke, um, and uh,
then you're invested in because the eating, but like the
taste of something is only part of it's also the
smell and the visual image and literally the story of it. Yeah, well,
(24:17):
I have noticed. I feel like they're finally getting old
enough now where if I'm trying to cook dinner and
they're like hanging around at my feet, I am trying
to now like put them on a chair so they
can see what I'm doing and so I can talk
to them about like chopping food or something. It's just
a nice distraction instead of having them like screaming at
me for snacks while I'm trying to make dinner. Yeah boy, yeah,
(24:37):
I it's gotten so much easier. But just trying to
make dinner used to be so hard because they'd immediately
be there screaming for milk or snack in the fridge.
And now I mean I just say like no, not
til it's over, not till I have dinner, and they
they're used to that now, or they'll get a banana something.
It's hard though, because may even Mayven, you can tell
(25:00):
sometimes when you pick her up a nake care she's
just so hungry and I can I relate to her
raw animal rage, like you have to give her a
banana or something because you can tell her body is you.
I'm not like this, but like when you get hungry,
it's like a much bigger deal. Well I do. It
(25:22):
is actually, I think a difference in women's and men's
bodies because our bodies are always trying to you know,
be able to support like reproducing, Like our bodies are
always trying to remind us to be capable of that.
So especially with like PMS and stuff art, it's like
(25:42):
your body is literally screaming at you. And men's bodies
are different because it's like that you know, historically like
hunter gatherer societies like men would be more like out
there catching food. So your body is literally just better
suited to be like on the go, running on low
steam and like, um, yeah, be quicker, being leaner is
(26:05):
more of a survival. Um, it's more of a pro
than a con for men, Like well I have learned,
Um it's I mean because like having snacks that we
talked about is having snacks around or like I hate
it because I'll eat it all and then I'll be
a fat But it's so I'm like, just let's not
buy snacks, but for your and my emotional well, being,
(26:26):
we need quick access to snacks at a certain point. Well,
I mean, especially when I was breastfeeding. You the amount
of hungary you get when you're breastfeeding and you're like,
your body is not just hungry, it's just like, within
a matter of minutes, all of a sudden, your body
is like, give me chocolate or I will kill you.
It's closing in and it's it's just it's insane. Well,
(26:50):
the next thing is tied into what we alread talking about,
which is making the food fun, which I think a
lot of parents have tried to do. And I don't
know that I ever have tried to make a meal
fun for my kids. I've tried to make it edible
and in front of them, but beyond that, I did
make Brand the number four shaped pancake for his birthday.
(27:12):
That was the most fun food I ever gave him. Well,
I also think that for us every every year, a
lot of it. I think at this point, because Brand
has gotten so crazy, it's just a matter of stalking
the kitchen with things where the whatever, the thing that
is most treat like that we have is still fairly nutritious.
So he's been going crazy lately for these Coronela bars
(27:36):
that he refers to his chocolate bars and they're still
on the like this is real food, end of the spectrum,
in spite of being not the greatest thing for him
to eat. Boy, that was another one that became an
issue because we never talked about it, but like I
made a big point to him that these are first
pre k you do not have these at home. And
(27:57):
then like I came home and he's eating one. He's
like he looked at me and he's like he's like, Mama,
gave me a chocolate bar. But this is he was
rolling a chair into the kitchen, going through every cabinet.
And I'm not blaming you. I've never told you that
I had that conversation. No, but I don't. It's not
about the conversation. It's just that he at a certain
point when you're a four year old, is climbing the countertops.
(28:20):
He's going to find it. He's gonna find it. You're right,
I mean, it's making the snacks healthy. Is is an important,
amazing step. Um that being said, Number three limits sweets
and snacks. The this is where we have to find
we have to have some sort of system. It's a
(28:42):
little all over the place because I I have a system.
I give him things to die him over, and then
you give him snacks and then he doesn't need a meal.
And that's the thing about having healthy snacks is then
I'm like, you know, it doesn't even matter if he
doesn't need the meal. I'm just if the snacks are
nutritious enough. But a big the big sacrifice has been
(29:03):
like vegetables, Like he won't eat his meal. We're not
giving him a snack of like fruits and vegetables, right,
But he's also at an age where him and his
friends like, for the most part literally just don't eat vegetables.
Like I think you have to supplement a lot of
fruit and stuff, and like you find the one vegetable
(29:24):
they like, like carrots or whatever, and go for it.
Because it's not like it's just literally how little kids
are you. There's not like, well here's the last part,
because well, one, I think something my mom would always do,
and you've done this to me, which is effective, which
is just like it was an hour before dinner or whenever,
(29:46):
she would just always make vegetables first, and she go
put them on the table in front of the TV
while she made the rest of dinner, and I'd be
sitting there and watching TV and I end up eating
a tire bowl of broccoli because it's just there. Yeah. Well,
I mean that's what I've been trying to do with
with the carrots. It's just that's what out before they
have other things on their minds. I think that's brilliant. Um.
(30:08):
So the last thing, the last thing I say is
and this is where I started learned the most stick
to it and keep in mind, like in terms of
healthy food, getting them to eat these things and expanding
their palates, is that stick to it doesn't mean insist.
Forcing your kids to eat something won't do much good
beyond some momentory, terry, nutritional value, and will probably end
(30:31):
up producing a person with food and eating issues. Many
studies on tape preferences have found that the way we
acquire our food preferences is through repetition, and that sometimes
basically you can serve a food to a kid like
fourteen times before it becomes a familiar food. And that's
the biggest thing is that they're picky because they want
(30:54):
to eat things they're familiar with the history and so
just giving them broccoli and they're like I won't eat it.
Isn't like, well, they don't like broccoli, so never give
it to them again. The thing is you keep giving
it to that child, and then it becomes normal. Because
I had that big time. It was always something new
that I was like, I'm I'm not trying that, and
then I wouldn't get that. Broccoli was the one that
(31:17):
I ended up loving because my mom would make it
every single night and I remember hitting it and then
it was just eventually like, oh, it's fine. Yeah, they're
They're also just at an age where there at daycare
and all the kids are like pointing at things being like,
that's disgusting. That's the big word of the day. Yeah,
Brent's favorite word this week is that's disgusting. And I
think it didn't help that he got some big laughs
(31:39):
and he's like, look at that pig, it's disgusting. Well,
he said it to me the other day because we
were reading this book called Romping Stomper, Romping Monsters, Stomping Monsters,
and he was pointing at the monsters and he was like,
that monster only has one eye. That's disgusting, and I
laughed and he knew it was funny. So then he
kept pointing at all the monsters and he was like,
(32:02):
three eyes, that's disgusting. And then he he pointed the
ball in a row and he goes, one eye disgusting,
two eyes, okay, three eyes disgusting. And then he just
started listing numbers of eyes and he's like, four eyes disgusting. Five.
Now we've trained our child to notice that someone in
his class is different in any way. And well, then
(32:24):
I tried to talk to him about it for that reason,
and I was like, well, it's not really nice to
say things about like people who are different, you know.
I was like, we can say it about this monster
book because it's just silly, but we shouldn't like laugh
at people who are different and call them disgusting. And
then he got really like pouty. He's like, you're ruining
the game anyway. That's his new word. He he told
(32:48):
me today. He was like he's like, yeah, I'm gonna
take this toy away like I did to this And
he said a name with the kid in his class,
and I was like, what were you and me into
this kid? He's like, yeah, and me and my other
friend we were of this kid. We got in trouble,
and he was like not thinking about what he's saying,
and he was like sort of bragging about being a bully.
(33:12):
And then I stopped and I looked at him very seriously.
I wasn't getting angry. I was just like, were you
being mean to somebody in your class? And I just
gave him like the the confident dad stare and he
looked at me with a smile that slowly faded away,
and he was like, yeah, like you did you say
(33:35):
you're sorry? Um, I didn't say I was sorry. Like, well,
that's probably not a nice thing that you did, right,
He's like yeah, it's like fun. Bit was going away,
and like maybe I think you should be nice to
him tomorrow, right, don't you think that would be good?
He goes, yeah, okay, I guess though. And I was like,
(33:57):
after a day of sort of getting enraged with him him,
it felt like a good parenting moment. I'm like, I'm
being serious, I'm not letting this go well. I think
brag about being a jerk again. I think this is
a repetition thing where it's like I had a similar
moment with him. It's like you have to sort of
tell him it's wrong, but not get like overworked up,
(34:18):
because then again, I think he wants to fight you
on it. But it's just like I want to assume,
as in spite of his really aggressive personality, that if
he just hears these things from us enough times over
the course of time and he's sort of will accept
it as the true. Yeah, it felt It stood out
(34:38):
to me when I walked away and be like, oh,
that felt right in terms of it wasn't me going
I'm putting on like my top tier alpha male where
he's just reading into me challenging him and he gets
scared or shuts down, Well, that doesn't work, or if
it's the U, I'm being overly like like a soft
(35:03):
explaining that's not good. Right, And it was that I'm
talking to you directly, but I'm very very direct and
serious and calm and confident what I'm saying. And he
read that is he read that tone. Well, Well, there's
this woman, Renee Brown, who's a shame researcher. She's really
well known for talking a lot about how shame is
(35:23):
really harmful, and you know, it's all this sort of
like Catholic guild stuff. You remember, I like just you know,
the stuff that makes people become alcoholics because they feel
like horrible human beings. But um, she talks about guilt
versus shame, and she talks about how guilt can be
a positive thing because it's like motivating us to do better.
(35:45):
So it's okay to feel guilty about something if you
have sort of like a growth mindset of like, Okay,
that's not something I want to do again. The shame
is sort of just thinking not that the action is bad,
but that you are intrinsically bad. So I think that's
why we have to be careful. When we talked to
me about this stuff, and we've talked about this in
the past, you don't say like you're a bad boy.
(36:05):
You say like that was a bad thing somebody wrote
in and we're gonna talk about that because it's yeah,
you don't. If you are too intense and reprimanding them,
all they're seeing is like you hate me, you think
I'm bad. They're not learning the lesson. That's the distinction.
If he is reading, oh, daddy is thinks I'm bad,
(36:27):
that's not good. But if I'm saying, hey, I'm showing
you that this is important and I'm wanting you to
think about what this is like for that other person.
We're focusing on empathy for somebody else, then I'm not
in the way of that process because we need him
to think about that kid and that exchange and that
social circle. But if I'm challenging him, he's just he's
(36:51):
just focused on There's a couple of times today where
you were like very quickly, like raising your voice at him,
and I feel like the message he's getting from that,
he's like, like me, we're in a fight. Like he's not.
I don't think he's like it's hard for him to
glean the message from that. And this is a perfect
contrast of doing it successfully and getting upset myself and
(37:15):
failing because it started fine and then I got You
saw me when I put him in the car, like
I was in a rage and I was just doing
everything I could not to scream I'm over it. Um.
So let's give him broccoli every day? Is that the
lesson put smiley faces on broccoli, that's all he gets.
(37:42):
This next segment is called would you Knows? This is
where Peter and I give each other hypothetical parenting situations
and ask each other how we would react. All Right,
Betty for this one. This is a dumb one. I
just thought of this five minutes ago. Okay, you come
home from work. Okay, you're going on a trip next week, right, Um,
(38:04):
I'm going out of town, and then you're going out
of town. So let's say you get back from l
A and you walk in the door and Bryn walks
up to you, and Brent says, Beth listened to me.
This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm Peter Brennan. Brenn
and I freaky Friday to this weekend, and we've been
trying to figure it out before you got home, and
(38:26):
we don't know what to do. My immediate question would be, Bryan,
I don't believe you. Why is Peter's face not covered
in Colonel Labar chocolate? Then you go into the kitchen
and that's exactly what's covering Peter's face because he's in there,
he's Bryan and he's just been eating all this. This
(38:46):
was Brent, this was Peter as brand who is selling
this to me. And this is me in Bryn's body,
explaining it to you that I'm Peter and the serious problem.
We touched something together. We Pete in the fountain we
wrote in the Magic diory, whatever it happened, it happened,
and we don't know how to undo it, and we
probably have to learn a lesson before we undo it.
(39:07):
But in before we learn that lesson, how do you
deal with a week, let's say of Peter sized Brian
and Brian sized Peter. M hmm okay, well, Peter size
Bran is definitely gonna have to go sleep in Brian's
bed so I don't have to deal with this thrashing
(39:28):
all night. That's gonna be some dangerous thrashing. Yeah, that's
your first concern is how you would sleep? Yeah, I
mean I don't. This is like I feel like I'm
immediately going to be like wrestling Peter sized Bran. Like
I need to call like authorities or something because no
(39:50):
one will believe you. I'm gonna adjust it. You know
that it's going to be cured in a week. You've
got to get through a week? What do you do? Okay?
So I know you don't agree with these parenting tactics,
but Peter size brand needs a lot of bribing right now.
(40:10):
There's gonna be a lot of TV. How long is
that going to work? We have a whole week. We
gotta get through. Well, then we probably gotta drug him
because I can't get him outside and run him around
and burn off calories or what because he's but Peter
size Brian really out of shape, So he probably won't
(40:31):
make it that far. I don't know. Probably Peter size
brain would probably have more endurance. Let's not forget how
regular normal Peter Uh usually injures himself in improv scenes,
going out of his way to perform feats of strength
for the audience. Yeah, so Peter size Bran is definitely
(40:55):
going to get injured because he doesn't realize that falling
down when you're a grown man is like a bigger
deal than him falling down every seconda Can you, um explain,
just as an aside to their listeners, how brand describes
your appearance and hair? Oh yeah, so this is a
conversation that he had with my mom with his grandma. Um,
(41:16):
he said, grandma or something about beards, and he goes,
she was like something about him being thirty five. No, no, no,
she goes, do you like beards? He goes, yeah, when
I get when i'm older, I'm going to have a
mustache and a beard and glasses and a little bit
of hair on top. That's how he describes about me,
(41:37):
a bald man. And Grandma goes, oh, yeah, when's that
going to happen? He goes, when I'm thirty five, because
that's how old I am. Just a little bit hair,
a little bit of hair on top. What a positive
way to say Dad's bald. I'm glad he's resigned to it.
Oh yeah, I mean all my almost all my uncles
are bald. I knew it was happening. I panicked about
(42:00):
it when I was eighteen and someone looked at my
shoulder and said, hey, you going bald, and I was
saying what, And then the next day I was like, oh,
well I'll be funnier, so, oh well, men can still
get what they want in this world. Hey, you're into
it was that bald ish when you met me? You're starting?
(42:21):
Was it? You were like, oh, this guy's going bald.
It wasn't really like something I thought much about. I
think that's the funny thing about the men's perception of
going bald is that it's like this huge detractor, because
it's something I very very rarely ever hear woman even
talk about. It's not like I've never been worried about it.
(42:44):
Take that, don't worry about it best. She just wanted
to find like someone who looked like a salty sea captain,
and uh, I was like, I'll be that pretty soon. Anyway,
Call my work, will you. I'll explain this when I'm
a in size Peter, call your work, all my work.
Tell them I'm sick this week. Let's get them out
of freak and then let's have a bizarre fun time.
(43:08):
I mean, the thing is you as brit If you
went in and did the Story Parents podcast as brit
as a precocious kid, you'd be having the time of
your life. Story Parents would be like, oh my god,
a kid we can work with and he'll take direction.
You Just that's the greatest ideas, Like I have to
use this week to record like the performance of a
(43:30):
lifetime is my thirty five years of performance experience in
a hilarious four year old. But meanwhile, I have your
adult body muzzled in a closet the whole week. Oh boy,
maybe would be terrified. And that is would your nose?
(43:54):
Now it's time for our listeners. Want to nose is
where we reach into the mail bag. Um, we got
one here this week from Cheryl. Cheryl writes to us
and says, hi, there, I'm writing from the Great White
North a k a. Quebec, and I have three kids.
They're older than yours, almost thirteen, almost ten, and seven.
(44:15):
But listening to your show brings back so many memories,
good and bad, from when my kiddos were younger. It
I just listened to the one about brand being in
tantra mode all the time. That was last week's episode.
We're recording really close to release date. I remember that
phase super well. What really hit me about that episode
(44:36):
was when Brent asked if he had been a bad boy.
When my oldest was about six months old, I went
to a parenting workshop since I knew nothing. That's a
good idea. Maybe we should do that sometime, And they
talked about something super interesting. They said, we should try
to avoid labeling kids as good or bad, but rather
focus on the actual behavior. Um spell For example, you're
(45:02):
being bad versus you're making a bad choice. The latter
doesn't have quite the same shame factor. Plus it gives
them something to think about improving that you can talk
with your kids about together. If a child I categorized
as if a child I categorized as bad, that if
I categorize the child as bad, they may feel that
(45:23):
they are inherently bad no matter what they do. Similarly,
if you call someone a good girl, it sets up
that dichotomy instead of saying that they're good a compliment,
then on something real, their compassion, their kindness, their sibling behavior,
whatever it is. This is something that we pretty much
are able to do with our kids when they were
(45:45):
young and ever since then. It's such a trigger from
me when I hear parentings calling their kids good or bad.
I love to hear your thoughts on this. I love
the show share all. I will say in that episode
that I was trying to say that that I recognized
that you should not call him a bad boy. Yeah. Well, okay,
so we already kind of talked about this. I think
(46:05):
we agree with Cheryl. I do think that's a really
interesting point she added about calling someone a good girl,
because I think that sort of relates back to me.
Wanted to like impress this preschool teacher is like I think,
as a woman, and specifically someone who grew up as
like the shy kid. It was kind of just like
(46:27):
expected that I would like fade into the background and
not be a problem. And this is something I'm still
trying to work on, I think recently, is like forgiving
myself for not being perfect in every situation, allowing myself
to like be emotional if a situation calls for that,
(46:47):
and like be human. And that's really hard. I think
for a lot of women. It's just like it's really
expected of us to sort of like be doing all
this emotional labor for the people around us and like
taking care of them and just like push our needs down, um,
(47:07):
And it's it's hard, Like there is a connotation to that,
because I when I read that, that was the thing
that maybe we want to read this is that like,
oh should I because I say good boy, good girl
to them a lot, and he has a connotation to
what a good girl like. I've caught myself doing this
(47:29):
to maybe too, Like when Brin's tantrum and it's like
I already know she's so used to being sort of
like the quiet background one like me, and I'm sort
of like I've turned to her when he's like having
a tantrum when we're trying to get to the car,
I'm like, maybe I just really need you to be
good right now, Like I'm like, I just I need
(47:50):
someone to help, as we know, she is, until he
calms down, and then she won't watch. Yeah, she waits
for his tantrum to fade, and then she's like, my turn. Well,
I think she knows that her tantrum will be ignored
if his tantrum is going on, because he is the
more damaging one, So she waits for the spotlight to
be hers. But I also have to say, again, you're
(48:10):
gonna hate this. I think she's an EmPATH like me,
and she takes on the intensity of the situation. She's
like all worked up, and then those people have finally
calmed down, and she's like, well, you worked me up,
so now I need to express this emotion. Yeah. I
don't know that you're wrong. That's that's all I'll say
(48:32):
on that. But yeah, I mean it's I think it's
definitely I can't. I totally already agree that you'd never
say you're a bad boy. It is what you did. Um,
this is not good behavior. Uh, the actions themselves, not
the person um. And I think that's really interesting that,
(48:55):
like don't label someone as a good girl good boy.
But I think it is far less damaging. Yeah, I
don't know. It's hard. May even did sit start saying
this week after um she so she got her haircut.
They both got haircuts. They're both very cute. She was
being really sweet and I kept calling her cute, and
(49:18):
she at one point she's walking around, she was just like,
I'm cute, and I was like, I did not. I
don't talk about her appearance ever. I know, well I don't.
I'm definitely not like it's definitely not my primary thing
I say to her. But it's like it's hard now
(49:39):
when she clearly is like starting to be aware of
her appearance. And she likes ponytails, and she likes dresses,
and she loves pink. She loves pinks so much so
I like she she got so mad at the ice
cream store when they didn't have pink spoons. She wouldn't
need her frozen yogurt. I had to go and like,
do you have pink spoons in the back, I'll go look.
(50:00):
And then she was like, now I can eat my
frozen outgraph. Oh yeah, she's really into our pink spoon
all of a sudden. But this I'm trying to see
that as like a natural phase of being a girl.
We already talked on this show about some girls about
how pink little girl's eyeballs are our little girl's eyeballs.
Episode talks about this episode one the cones. It's their cones.
(50:24):
So I don't I don't want to deny her reality,
like her preferences deserved like a degree of respect. I think,
so that going forward in her life, she's like, my likes,
my desires are her own, are mine, and I'm allowed
to have them, you know what I mean. So I
don't see it as all bad, but I'm like the
big maybe I should cool it on the calling. There's
(50:46):
a study I think we're going to talk about it
next week of just of how girls um, how they
view themselves these days is far improved in terms of
like they see themselves as potential leader, been good at
math and science compared to older generations. But the big
difference is that they feel like what they look like
(51:10):
matters more, uh to everyone else than it does for boys.
And like that's what stops me from going You're so
pretty like ever because unfortunately the world looks at them
too much that way, And so I wanted to be
out of their head as much as possible. It's hard. Yeah,
(51:32):
it's hard though, because I think, like I don't like,
I don't want that to be your whole thing, and
I really like, I kind of love that. My experience
growing up was very like not focused on that. But
then at the same time, it's like, sometimes I feel
like my experience growing up was so not focused on
that because of like financial restrictions and just not being
(51:56):
able to explore different clothing and make up options and
all those things that I wish part of me wishes
like I knew what I liked or like I knew
like I wish that had that was like a little
bit more open to me of exploring. Like yeah, but
it's I think there's always a I think it might
(52:18):
always be. Yeah, I'm not I don't think I would
like severely damaged by that or anything. I just think
I I'm very damaged. I think that, like it's okay
for little girls to explore that stuff, Like it's if
it's fun for them, they should get to explore that,
(52:41):
Like I don't. Again, it's like you shouldn't be forcing
it on little girls who don't. But if they themselves
are pursuing that and are interested in it, like because
maybe has like put on like tinted chapstick, and she
looks at herself in the mirror and she is so
excited and she like eagles maniacally, and it's like, I
(53:02):
think this is someone who likes that stuff like and
maybe she won't like it in two years, maybe she'll
be over it and then we'll let it go. But
I feel like, now, while she is excited by it,
I want to let her. We're not stopping her from
liking anything. And I just think it's and I don't
we're not really pushing it either. Um, it's a I
(53:23):
think we're doing a good job talking about it makes
it easier. But before we end, I just want to say,
Matthew's so beautiful. Thank you. Oh my god. That'll do
it for this week's episode of We Knows Parenting. If
you want to reach out send us a story, a question,
(53:45):
a would you know scenario? You can email us at
two we Knows pod at gmail dot com, or call
us on our voicemail. You can find that number on
our website, We Knows Parenting dot com, where you can
also buy some merch um. Yeah, please find us on
iTunes and like subscribe. Find us on Apple Podcast. Find
(54:07):
us on Apple Podcast, rate and subscribe. It really helps
us out if you give us a quick rating and
write a review. Makes us just feel good about ourselves.
We feel so good if you say even the most
slightly kind thing, if you're just like, not shitty, I'll
be like, great, I'll take it. I also want to
(54:29):
plug this week very exciting. Um. As you know, I'm
also one of the hosts of the Story Pirates podcast
and excellent children's entertainment podcast, where we adapt stories written
by kids into bizarre sketches and songs. Check out that show.
But we just released our very first musical album, an
album of twelve incredible songs inspired by stories written by kids,
(54:52):
and not just because I worked for that company. It's incredible.
We can attest our children love these songs. There's one
called Happy Fart Out Loud Day, there's other less disgusting one.
There is one about farts, but I promise there's only
one about arts, and there's incredible songs on them on
the iTunes charts right now. Check it out. I'm very
(55:14):
very proud. If you want to see here, track twelve,
I play a character who loses their mind. It's very
shot and ask you should check it out. Wherever you
get your music, wherever you get your podcast, check out
all these things. I'm going out of town this week,
best to be out of town next week, so we'll
probably have some weird over the Phone episode next week.
(55:35):
It's gonna be cool until next time. Fight
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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