October 8, 2019 • 58 mins
Peter comes home late to record the podcast after having three full drinks, Beth transcribes the greatest pieces of bath time theater ever recorded and Peter and Beth almost don’t argue about how much peanut butter can be left in the jar before you throw it away.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
I welcome to I'm trapped in my my my headphone cords. Alright, guys,
as Peter McNerney, I'm just gonna put this on the
table right now. Okay, So I didn't plan ahead tonight
(00:30):
tonight we or this this month we cast a bunch
of you're trying to explain that you're you had some
drinks tonight, Yes, well when I had three drinks, so
that means I'm plastered comparatively. Ease you here, I mean
you listen to the podcast. I always say you're gonna
hear a drink rattling in my hand. That's like the
(00:51):
one big drink I have a week. It's crazy going
out as a parent and having drinks because you have
no sense of what your body can end little anymore.
You're just like, I hadn't eaten dinner yet, it was
six pm. Get a couple of drinks in there, and
you're like, whoa party time. It's like I was meeting
new company members for story parts we just cast, and
their meeting everyone. It's exciting, and I'm like trying to
(01:14):
be friendly and there's nervous people. It hit me faster
than ever, and I'm a mess. So Beth is in charge.
You're such a mess right now. I'm embarrassed. So um
this week October Halloween season heating up. Oh boy, those
(01:34):
costumes seasons heating up. Get your costumes in order, everybody
your I'm drinking water. Um, I gotta say we have
I have now purchased costumes for Britain, may Haven and
me and it's only like halfway through October. Our entire relationship. Beth,
I've never seen you wear a costume. I think Mayven
(01:56):
has me in the costume spirit, or maybe both of them.
But I think it's a real benchmark because the last
couple of years, it the last few years, it has
felt so exhausting to think of the idea of my
costume for anyone, Like, no matter how cute I could
picture it in my head, I was just like, I
don't have time to figure out how to make a
(02:19):
baby Watson from Sherlock Holmes. Like you you know what
I mean, Like you're sorry, baby Watson, You're plenty of
your baby. I mean, like, there's a lot of cute
costumes out there, but there's only so many hours in
the day, and I feel like for most of our
children's childhood we've been like kind of a frazzled mess
of exhaustion. But getting a costume in could not be easier.
(02:45):
You got an Amazon, you google it, you do it well.
They both had like simple requests this year too. That
kind of helped Brinds a Lemur and Princess, although he
keeps trying to jump ship and say he wants to
be a robot, but I'm trying to distract him. I
don't want to buy another costume. I had a few
years we had not probably ages seven through nine, where
(03:10):
the costume is a big deal and you really think
about it. And my mom took me to Goodwill to
like buy the materials into like so a costume. I
did a headless man costume. There was excellent. We bought
a giant suit jacket um and he like puffed up
the shoulders so that it looked like the shoulders were
(03:31):
at the top of my head. Uh, and so it
looked like a really tall person whose head had been
cut off. And then they put these big fake hands
on the end of the jacket, so I had like
the right sized hands And that was the awesomest costume.
And it took a long time, and I helped my mom.
We sewed it and I wore that with pride. See,
so my family had a complete opposite approach to Halloween,
(03:53):
which is that we had like we it would never
occur to anyone and to think about costumes until like
the night before Halloween, literally, and we had like a
bin of random like costume odds and ends, but not
like real costumes like we had like we had a
(04:14):
cape which was like a like what that was like
the real that was like the the best like thing
you could grab in a pinch to like like this
is a costume um. But then like we had this
rubber mask that was supposed to be Mark Twain, but
you couldn't recognize him. It just looked like an old
(04:37):
man with white hair. Where was that purchased? And why?
I mean probably in my dad's beer drinking days, you know,
I don't know, it doesn't make any sense. Why do
we have that. One year, my brother bought a Bob
Dole mask, which again we were so we were like
so strapped for costumes that that was reused several years later, ironically,
(04:58):
Like there was just clearly ninety on not to Yeah,
I guess if that's the part of the story you're
interested in, Well, it would be insane if you're about
a Bob dolemask in n I don't remember the years
of things. I um um and we yeah, we we
(05:24):
just had we just do that. I have not. So
I loved Halloween and every costume I did until you know,
aged twelve thirteen, when you still went trick or treating,
but it wasn't cool anymore, but you wanted the candy.
The last year I went trick or treating, my oldest
brother worked for Dominoes, so I just put on his
(05:47):
Domino's shirt and carried his like pizza warmer case classic,
and I got uh candy in the pizza warmer, so
I carried it every single door made the same joke, so, um,
where's my pizza? But every year before that that I
could remember, I made something with my mom. I did
(06:09):
one year where my I built a cardboard table that
went around my neck, and then I put a tablecloth
over it, and then I put a plate around my
neck with a fork a knife, so my head was
a main course. That was really fucking annoying to have,
Like the proximity of your arms was just longer than
the table. So much of your Halloween costumes should really
(06:32):
take into account mobility, visibility, not not having to wash
a ton of paint off your face later. And most
of these Halloweens were in Minnesota. The first year we
moved there, it's snowed on Halloween. Well that's the funny thing.
I feel like Halloween is nice now, but when I
was a kid, it was like frigid half the time.
Like you know, now, global warming, no problem, no problem,
(06:56):
I mean nothing but a problem, but no problem. Remember, Okay,
let's focus on the positive and just let the world burn. Okay. Um.
My mom made me a Ghostbusters jacket. She made the
patch and so did on my shoulder. And I never
loved a thing more like in my mind, I was
a Ghostbuster for six years. It was probably one or
(07:17):
two years. There was a kid in my school who
was a Ghostbuster like most years, and he had the
whole like ghost catching thingy. I didn't have any of those.
I just had a backpack. But the jacket was great.
I just had a cape. Uh you've seen the picture
of the year my mom dressed me as a ghost Um. Yeah,
(07:42):
we shouldn't talk about that. Ah, the picture only exists,
so Peter, you were a ghost in a year where
like Casper was very popular and people had a different
idea of ghosts, which is that it was a classic ghost,
classic ghost costume. You see where this is going. It
(08:04):
was a sheet over my head. It was a pointy
headed white ghost. However, my mom she cut the whole
face out, so it was a bed sheet with a
pointy corner on top of my head. But the whole
face was cut out and my face was painted white.
That's where it does feel a little more caspar esque.
It was clearly a ghost. In retrospect, I was like,
(08:26):
this is a little kkk. Yeah, yeah, except you're showing
your face. Oh my god. Yeah, don't do a racist
costume costume this year. Guys, it's not not this year.
(08:48):
We're not anyway, our kids, how are our kids going up?
So also, the costume binge has led somehow to Maven
stealing my lipstick all the time. Oh my god, it's
the week of lipstick. She and it's really cute, so
you feel bad, but you're like, hey, that's a lot
of lipstick. And she sneaks into the bathroom, into the cabinet,
(09:10):
rubs it all over her face. She looks like Joaquin Phoenix,
no effort to find a mirror at any point in
the process. She's just she's like she knows where her
lips are and she's like, it's going around there, I
look great. I would argue, she's not super sure about
where her lips are and that's what matters. Like the
(09:31):
lipstick is full clown joker. It's usually just one quick
mirror back and forth. She it's like just a swipe
and it's like it's honestly very expressive. Yeah, I'll tell
you what lipstick is really hard to get off of.
Not lips. Yeah, well skin, her face is red, red,
(09:55):
all weak. We're just very We just barely cleaned it
off and it would start to fade, and then she's
find another tube of lipstick, like completely, where are these lipsticks?
I don't know anyway, I'm you know, she's inspiring me though,
because I have been thinking about getting more into lipstick,
and I feel like she's correct that it looks incredible
on us. It looks incredible on all of us. It's true, Um,
(10:20):
she feels beautiful. So I also wanted to say, our
kids have been insane this week, like they're really it
seems like they're tired all the time, but it's just
because we picked them up at five thirty six, and
then we're like, they're just so angry and hungry and tired,
and they're they're just so ridiculous. Bryn was being insane
(10:44):
today and he's doing what honestly feels like just a
cruel metaphor for the patriarchy, where I like, I'll tell
him to be polite to Maven. I think I have
a video of this, actually, but he was like, he
keeps trying to turn it on me as if he's
the boss, and he's like, he's like, you're not being polite,
(11:06):
you're not talking to me nice. When I'm like telling
him not to do things, and he's like, hey, you
need to be more nice. And when he does that one,
I'm like, don't you turn this around on me. But
in his worst moments, I see my own worst moments,
it feels like I'm talking to you. It feels like
(11:27):
I'm talking to you. He's like, this is not the
real issue. The real issue is something I'm justifying as
I speak. You're like, you can be mad about this,
but you're not supposed to tell me about it. Can't
you be upset politely? Can't you bring some humility to
your anger? I love man? And why do I love
(11:53):
his men? Why do I always end up with these men? Um?
So that's but all the all the lady birds, they choose,
they choose. That's why all the main members they got
the pretty feathers, because they are constantly auditioning. Yeah, you
guys are you're just You were just on the phone
(12:15):
with your mom talking to her about like your birthday
and stuff, and it was like, I was like, it
does feel like Britain talking to me, Like you're like
just you're You're like, hey, Mom, I love you. I
guess what I'm up to. Oh yeah, there's very few
people in this world I can just brag too, and
my mom is one, and I feel safe and I
(12:37):
love you, Mom, and I love you forever. I could brag.
I bragged to my dad too. Yeah, I mean, you
brack to everyone, but you have a little a special
something with your mom. Well with everybody else. I bragged
to them, and then I make fun of myself to
undercut it because then I feel and with your mom,
You're like and moving on, Mom, I'm killing a spider,
(12:58):
right now on the wall are to me um for
killing a spider. Beth. It was a humongous moth. Yeah,
it was like as big as your head. And then
you're welcome. Oh my god, thank you, you're welcome. It
was here this morning. I lost it and I was like,
Beth better not find that because she's going to be
(13:18):
upset and stressed. Well, luckily, no, I saw another dead
moth this week. So when when they come in pairs
like that, to me, it just starts to feel like
a sign. And then I started I stopped feeling anxious
about what the animal was. Did you start feel anxious
about what it means? Yeah, I'm like like, I gotta
go look at this animal. I found it and I
crushed it. Moth is flight, so thoughts communication maybe, And
(13:46):
it's a nighttime creature, so it could be related to
a nighttime inspiration something. It's drawn to the light, it's yeah,
but it's drawn to exactly to the positive. It's true.
So much of um the spiritual meaning of animals is
actually just like observing what they do and being like, well,
(14:06):
maybe this is this animal crawls and like a grasshopper leaps,
Maybe this is a moment of opportunity or you have
to make some sort of like it's just it's just
studying metaphorically. Get behind this because you can watch any
animal and figure out like what are what's their motivating force?
I can get behind that because it's not that much.
(14:27):
I like it because it's like it feels like they're
visiting us, like we're like, oh, hey, thanks for the message.
But really, what the moth is thinking is that's what
do I get on? In this room? Where am I?
The light is on always? I don't know which way
to go. I'm dead, But I like the first version.
Better Brand had a second week of skating lessons. Yeah
(14:52):
he did. We slept in on Sunday, Man. So I
have a cold. And if you can tell, I just
recorded ten episodes of The Stray Prize Pike Guests, So
my character will be have a cold for ten episodes.
It's not important. Um, but I slept until you we
even into the character didn't acknowledge it, and it's going
(15:12):
to change within the episode. I'm a cold. I'm going
to not have a cold. Story Parts Podcast Season three
premiers this Thursday. I think why part of why people
like our podcast is because you sort of get filled
in on the backstory of the story Parts podcast, Like
it really is like I understand what Peter the character
was going through in this moment, but I wonder what
Peter the person was experiencing the there's no difference. That
(15:36):
character is me a complete idiot who will the sex
behind the scenes only on this podcast. It's like the
HBO stay tuned after the episode for we know his
parenting behind the episode. Um, we haven't talked about story parts,
and if you don't know what I'm talking about, check
it out. It's really it's the best dast joke. Um,
(15:58):
we had a skating last thing. I slept in till
ten of thirteen. Yeah, well, I woke up earlier that
morning to change all of Brin's clothes because he had
peeed through a diaper and he was soaking wet, and
then wipe him down and then try to crawl back
to bed as quickly as possible before my eyes adjusted
and thought I was awake. That's always the trick, is
like I gotta got it and get them a thing
(16:19):
or help them, but I don't want to really wake
up to keep my eyes I do like I do,
it's squinting like, I'm like, you're still asleep. You're still asleep.
You're gonna go back to sleep. It's gonna be asleep
because if you yeah, it's then you just can't fall asleep.
Um but I I had to do that, and then
I climbed back into bed and then we slept till ten.
Did you give him a drink before bed? You were
(16:41):
home with them that night Saturday night. Yeah, he had
skating lessons on Sunday morning. You're right. I did not
give him drink to night, So I can't blame you
for this. He just sometimes assydrated and he pee's a
lot because he's a huge boy who shouldn't be Okay,
he's fine. I mean a lot of kids are not
(17:02):
over this. You know, let's started getting into the It's
very very possible, knowing us that we should have upgraded
diaper sizes about two years ago. So that's not the problem.
I don't know. He's a big boy who's got a
lot of pa in him. It's going somewhere. I'm I'm
for let's pick a week where we just cold turkey,
(17:25):
wrap that mattress in plastic and go no drinks. I
just don't want to think about it, I'll do it.
We just it's been easier to not do it. But
when we do it by accident, when he somehow has underwear,
he always peace every time. I mean every morning that
(17:46):
pull up. You're you want to do an experiment where
he whatt's the bed, like every night for five days
and then we're like, oh, I guess he doesn't doesn't
have the hormone yet it was all for nothing. Let's
put it off for year, scared and ashamed of it.
You know what, You're right, I'm in no rush. So
I slept till ten thirteen and his skating lessons started
(18:08):
ten fifteen. I had a full thirty seconds of going,
is it worth it? Do I go for it? I
can't believe you still want We went and it was
worth it. He was fifteen minutes, only a half hour lesson,
and you were like it was already past the time
it had started and he were still at home fifteen
minutes late to a thirty minute class. But I'll tell
(18:31):
you what. He showed up late and the teacher was
like Brin, and Brin was like, I am loved and
he was really happy. You love to put everything to
like the very last. I Typically my impulse is when
I get to the point where I have just enough
time to do it, that's when I do it. I'm
(18:52):
better than I've ever been in not doing that. But
this wasn't that. I mean, I was like, there's no
way I'm sleeping past nine. I slept stilled to him thirteen. You. Um,
I just want to give an example of the other day. Uh,
I had a conference call and had to be on
a phone call, and I just wanted you to take
Brand out to go to a movie, and you had
the movie scheduled and everything, and you were scrambling to
(19:16):
get him out the door, like two minutes before time
to leave, and you were loudly shouting as you were
hurting him out the door up until like the very
last second that the call was supposed to start. It
was like when your call started, we were gone, right,
but literally just shouting like we gotta go. Mommy needs
(19:36):
to relax and be comfortable for her call. Yeah. It
was a lot of yeah, um yeah. That went later
than I planned. And then we got to the movie
theater and the movie was half an hour later than
I thought, So I had half an hour of Brand
being bored of previews. So we watched five minutes of
the movie and he said, I want to go home.
(19:57):
The first twenty minutes of Obomba, Obomba, Abominable, Abominable. I here,
it's a very good movie from people, and they were
like someone said, like, don't get it confused with all
these other like snowy creature movies that are out recently.
And I appreciate get them confused. I did appreciate this
person telling me that, because I would never have realized
(20:19):
there was multiple. I was upset to leave. I was
trying to get him to stay, and I was like,
I'm not going to push it. I don't want him
to hate the movie theater. But he's never made it
through a whole movie. I've taken him the three movies.
This was the least amount of time he stayed. Well,
he loves his couch. You know what I mean, because
(20:41):
I do too. That's what he was flipping out out today.
He was like, well, he a million things. He wanted
to go out to dinner, and then he wanted to
watch TV, and then he wanted to talk incessantly at
may Ben. And that's when he told me I was
not being polite anyway, sorry, we should wrap this up
(21:01):
and move on. I'm drunk, Okay, let's bye, and that
it was time for do you know? So they're saying,
(21:22):
this is where we share some some choice quotes from
the Little Ones. So Brendan Mayven we're in the bath together,
after vehemently denying that he would ever take a bath.
As soon as I started feeling it, Brian jumped in
and had all these dinosaurs and was like, so they
were talking in characters, dinosaurs and like laughing for a
(21:43):
long time and wouldn't get out of the bath, which
was fine. Um, but they we're talking to each other.
And just as a backstory for those of you who
didn't listen to I think last week's episode, we've we
tried to have a talk with my sister and I
explained that she would was not interested in marrying a
man because she's gay, and he did not take that well.
He really wants to believe that there's rules about men
(22:07):
and women marrying each other. He's he's trying to wrap
his head around this despite the fact we've mentioned. Yeah,
he's had he's had a lesbian an since he was born. Um,
but anyway, he's he's just trying to understand it, but
he says really obnoxious things while he's trying to figure
it out. So they were in the bathtub, and uh,
they're talking about like marriage for a long time and
(22:29):
having the characters get married, and Brent said, I have
tickets to go to a wedding. And and then I
started transcribing this as they were talking because they were
being so funny and I didn't have time to get
my camera out. Um, and brind goes in Dino time.
The rules are, marry a man if you're a woman,
(22:49):
marry a woman if you're He literally says those rules
and then okay. So then later he said, if they
started talking about like babies or something, I don't know marriage, babies, etcetera.
He said, if a woman, I think Mayven might have
asked him how babies are made or something. And he goes,
(23:11):
if a woman eats an egg, she doesn't get a baby,
but if she puts it in her butt, she gets
a baby. And then and then maybe and then Mayven.
This is me literally typing as fast as I can
to transcribe their exact words. Then Mayven said, I just
put my I just put an egg in my button,
(23:35):
and friend goes, that means when you're a woman, you
might marry a man. And then he goes, are you
going to marry a man or a woman? And Mayven
said a man? And France said, I'm marrying a woman.
And then he goes Ali, which is his aunt. He goes,
Alie wants to marry a woman, she can do that
(23:57):
if she wants. He's, yeah, he's he's processing it. And
then he said, if a woman marries a woman, maybe
they both get an egg. And then Maybe said, Maybe said,
and they're both beaths. There are two baths, which is
very funny because my sister's ex girlfriend was named Beth.
(24:17):
And I think they're also processing that. Um and Bring
goes and they both have brown hair, which is true,
and then and then Maybe says, and they both have boobies.
Uh so yeah, they were. This is them sort of
trying to give like a cliff notes and on all
(24:38):
the like reproductive knowledge they've gotten and like marriage notledge,
because I think my sister tried to explain this to them,
but they still don't understand that, like babies in marriage
are not a unit. Like so yeah, yeah, Bryn, Bryn
ties his existence to the moment we got married. He's like,
(25:00):
you got married and I was born. Yeah, He's like,
you fell in love, so you got married and then
had me, because that's what you do and it's mine.
I think it's the same moment. Well. Yeah. The um
Reproductive Kids books are like sort of you know, out
of date. They're like from the seventies, so they're glossing
over a lot of reality and sometimes I'm like, I
(25:21):
wish this was just more graphic. That's how I feel.
That's totally how I feel, because I'm like, just get
to the point, and then when they ask questions, you're
just like, it's a cervix. It has to expand to
squeeze you out, like you don't have to like should
we just show them real pictures and stuff? I mean yeah,
as they get a little older, I don't know if
(25:42):
I think it would be. I've had enough drinks. That's
why I come up. I don't know if they're like
quite there yet developmental wise, but like they are. Brand
is like checking out my pubic hair and being like,
why do you have that hair there? Oh? Because grown
ups to older people, women like he starts like listening
things out. He's like when exactly is that going to
start happening? Why does it happening? Like he's just curious.
(26:06):
These are really good questions. They are really good questions.
I'm answering them as like puberty. And he was like what,
And I was like, when you're a teenager, and he
was like and I was trying to explain it, and
he was like, I'm going to be a teenager when
I'm seventeen, and like he just like he makes his big,
like declarative statements of trying to plan his future on
(26:27):
very limited information. This is what I've said forever. Kids
are brilliant, they just don't have enough information to make
really great conclusions with with scarce information. He well, today
he was like, he had his nature class after school today.
How did he go? He wouldn't really give me details,
(26:47):
and he was just being weird about it. I think
he was just again processing what happened, but he was like,
he wouldn't give me details. And then I was saying,
he was really dirty, and then I needed to take
a bath because there's like visible dirt on his neck
and stuff, which you know, I'm glad, I'm glad he
got outside in a different environment. I'm glad, but I
was like, you do need to take a bath at
(27:08):
least like twice a week because you guys, you guys
are filthy animals and um, and we sometimes don't hit
that target. Here's the rule I've made up in my mind.
It is like, bath needs to happen twice a week
otherwise they're just real stinky. But I would say only
one of those baths needs to include like a vigorous shampoo.
(27:30):
I'm mostly just worried about their stinky bodies and faces.
You know, boy, we're pretty good at balancing uh jobs
at this point. That's one I'm still that's my worst thing.
I never put them in the bath. Yeah, you're good
at day to day at almost everything, exact routine. That's
(27:54):
one that if it was had to happen every night,
I'd get good at it. But it does anyway. Um,
that's what our kids said. Um, that's literally the funniest
thing I've heard in my entire life. I'm gonna go
put and I remember so when I was telling Brand
(28:17):
about the that they had to take a bath, he
was I was. He was saying, like, I don't want
to go back to the nature place that it's like
the Nature Center. He's like, I don't want to go
back because then they get dirty and then I have
to take a bath. Like but he was just being
performatively angry, and he was like, I want to take
the cooking class. And I was like, well, in the
cooking class, you'll still get dirty and have to take
(28:37):
a bath. And he was like no, and he was
like it won't and he kept going, it's bad to
get dirty, it's good to get clean. And it's like
he kept saying it over and over. Get into No.
He definitely like, this is not a thing that's been
like hammered in around here. But he was just in
that like performative angry mode that he was just like
(28:58):
he get he makes these huge declar ations where you're like,
you sound insane, U, you sound insane, fucking five year old,
You don't know you don't put an egg in your butt,
that would be devastating, not if you want to get pregnant. Um.
(29:18):
Every time I explained all of sex to him, again,
he retains more. I think he's like, I think he's
showing a pretty like evolving grasp of what's happening, Like
he's he does not understand the difference between of vagina
and a butt all the same. Still, did we talk
about him taking a picture of Maven's butt? Oh, my god,
(29:38):
to talk about this. I was in the bedroom. I
was in the bedroom, and like I had just been
with the kids. Maven and Bryn had both been fully
clothed because it was like right after dinner or whatever.
All of a sudden they run in Maven's completely naked
and Brynn is holding the Polaroid camera and the fully
(30:00):
developed yet not fully developed yet, and they were like,
They're like, we took a picture of Maven's butt, And
then they were like, wait, don't look, and then they
like and then the picture developed and it was the
most graphic photo. I mean, I don't want to be graphic.
It was her anus right up in there, all of it.
(30:23):
And then you texted it to me and I was like,
we needed to delete this from the cloud. Yeah. Yeah,
they were really They were gigglings so hard though, and
I didn't want to shame them about it. I was
just like laughing because they were so funny. They were
like her butt and they kept looking at the photo
and being like, I like that this is the funniest
(30:43):
thing I've ever seen about because I was like, whoa,
and they were they loved it. I have to talk
with him about like you shouldn't take pictures to people's
private parts. I mean lightly, but I didn't. I just
didn't want to make it a whole thing to be
like private parts are bad, Like I just yeah, that's
the three. You gotta be like, hey, I'm saying this,
this is important, but I'm not going to give you
that the artificially stern, angry thing. I didn't really get
(31:06):
into it because I don't feel like this is going
to be a super ongoing thing. I mean, maybe maybe
is sort of lightly into like flashing her boots this week,
like it's not she's been really into it this week,
but I think it's a passing phase. I don't Again,
I don't want to make too big a deal out
of it because then she's just gonna want to flash
(31:27):
her But all that every time she falls down of
farts and sticks her button, run the camera, you laugh
hysterically because it's funny. I mean I laugh hysterically inside,
and then she then goes, this is good. I'm doing
this well because she does. She's so sassy about it,
like she she'll fart and then she she is but
she's so coy and she'll fart and she'll go nothing.
(31:52):
She's just like she's like she'll be like, what it
wasn't me, you farted and she's like really playing it
up and it's so funny. Like she's just so particularly,
like so articulate and such a big kid. And today
today she's talking about it. She's like, farts are so funny.
Like she I was like, I get it. You're not wrong,
(32:16):
I get it, but you gotta start to slowly learn
to be ashamed of it a little bit. But it's
still enjoying. I don't know, or just like make a
career out of it. It's fine, like it's just make
a career. Yeah, just make a butt career. Put a
meg in your butt, you know. I did. Um. I
got my first like Instagram sponsorship thing today and it was, um,
(32:41):
what does that mean? It was not real. It was
like they were like, we'll give you as it like
a They didn't use the term influencer, but something similar
for like you know, selling the marketing whatever. They were like,
we'll give you a free pair of leggings if you
post on your Instagram and but you have to for shipping.
(33:01):
And I was like, no, I don't want this is
You're you're making me pay money to do work for
you that involves very vulnerable putting on the tightest pants
imaginable and modeling them. And I went to their Instagram
page and it was like all like the roundest bootied models.
Like I was like, I don't know how you guys
stumbled upon my page and thought this was like a
(33:23):
good fit. But every time you post, you go hashtag
big booty, hashag big booty mama. That's what I always say. Hey, okay,
but it's part of the fart culture, Beth, I got it.
If you guys are going to review the podcast this
week on Apple Podcast or anywhere you listen, please do
(33:45):
subject line hashtag big booty Mama. That's the subject of
your review this week. If nothing, it's something I wanted
to be associated with my brand for a very long time. Okay.
Can I just say, um, I have more Instagram followers
than you, just a little bit one getting the endorsement
request because you don't have that booty hashtag big booty daddy. Actually, listeners,
(34:10):
please tag it with hashtag big Booty Daddy. Do not
hashtag big meaty Mama. The official hashtag for this episode
is big Booty Daddy. Um. The title of this episode
is hashtag big booty Daddy. The only people I would
want stumbling on this podcast while searching for sexual content
(34:32):
on the internet is gay men, and I do I
do think that that's a good brand match. If they
accidentally get like a key do you think there's some
gay guy out there and being like, oh, I'm gonna
search for a big booty Daddy parenting podcast there, he's like, Hey,
(34:52):
I've been thinking about all these big booty daddies and
meanwhile I didn't realize I want to start a family
and kids. That's a classic gay archetype. That's the big
Boody Daddy. I can't get enough of that big Daddy. Yeah.
I mean, it's definitely a very hip hashtag that's being
used a lot in the gay community. Very hip, very hippie,
(35:14):
big hips. Big this has been We'll find out when
this episode gets tagged with that. What the Big Green
Daddy online community and tails Okay listen up by Heart
Radio Social crew Biddy and our producers are like, please,
(35:34):
could you just say something about schools or go back
to school. I don't know, big buddy Daddy. This next
(35:55):
segment is called listeners want to Know, So that's where
we take your questions and comments. All right, right, this
is a slightly lengthy email. I'm when I dive right
in high Beth and Peter, my wife and I both
listened to your pot we identify. Thank you, Beth, that
was helpful. We identified to a high degree with a
lot of your parenting foibles and marriage interactions that you
(36:16):
tend to display on your weekly sessions that you put
out online. We are also NYC transplants have two small children. Uh.
We all had to leave Brooklyn due to finances. I
skew artistic while my wife wife is much smarter than me,
and all I want in life is her approval and
for her to tell me she loves me. You know, yes, Doug,
(36:37):
I do. Since I can only speak from the male
side of things, I will try and restrict myself from
speaking too much for my wife. But I believe that
she would say that I have a tendency to run
the room and don't listen enough, that I try to
fix things too often, and that I underappreciate the emotional
labor that modern and historical women have carried and do
(36:58):
still carry. That I am the very distinction of that,
I am the very distinction of a fragile white man.
I've always felt that I was an advocate for those
whose voices have historically been oppressed, but in the modern
political environment with a liberal minded individuals not not automatically
views as an advocate to the disenfranchise. I have struggled
(37:20):
with my challenge changing role in my marriage, in my
children's lives, in and in identifying what kind of example
I can actually be. I never thought when growing up
that I would become the figurative representation of the oppressor
to who, to those who I always felt that I
was most closely aligned with throughout my life. Now that
(37:40):
I'm a middle aged white man and not a young
goofus of a kid, I have found that I have
lost the benefit of the doubt that I received before
and have to try even harder to have my intentions known,
also learning that intentions in and of themselves are not
functional entities, but often signposts of enlightened egg ignorance that
(38:00):
I now need to actively engage with in order to modernize.
It is a massive source of frustration for myself and
perhaps for the first time ever, I can begin to
empathize empathize with those that have not been heard. My
wife had has also struggled with our attempts to find
a new normal, because she has worded it on occasions,
I'm the quote unquote one of the good ones. We
(38:24):
both engage in household activities and share traditionally non masculine
roles within our family as providers, caregivers, cooks, and cleaners.
She's much better at these things. This is known to
bring this into a pod sized, chewable paragraph for your consideration,
we're getting to that paragraph where in the last paragraph
(38:44):
and I have what conversations have you had our tactics
have you employed to realign yourselves as a modern couple
couple given the friction that these changing roles have sometimes
that these sometimes bring. I really love the conversation that
your pod produce. Does an appreciate your efforts and making
parenting a relatable and enjoyable experience to those who are
(39:05):
daily wrestling with the best ways to be thoughtful. I'll
be at highly imperfect people who have made a small
person regard best regards Douglas. First of all, I al,
we sort of made fun of the length of that,
but that was very well written, thoughtful. I mean, I
like seeing men on the defense these days. I appreciate it.
(39:27):
I um what I appreciate. I appreciate a lot of
things about this email, and I related to a lot
of it. But I liked that as it went, every
statement needed to then be not disclaimed, but reacted to
with what may, anticipating how things could be reacted to
(39:49):
many ways, and acknowledging that in the way that there's
a sign of somebody who has clearly been thinking and
talking about these things a lot. Well, it's a delicate
balance to be thoughtful and not sound like the authority,
sort of like I'm doing right now. I appreciate that
(40:09):
he's being more thoughtful about it. It does feel like
there's a shift culturally people are having where they're realizing like, Okay,
I do need to think about this, And they're mostly
having that realization because the women around them are like, Hey,
I'm no longer going to sit here while you don't
think about this. So I think women are doing a
lot of invisible work to make this happen. It seems
(40:30):
his wife is. And I do think the stuff trickles
out into the world and your relationships with other women
in the workplace and stuff where you do want your
husband's be thoughtful about the ways that he interacts with
this privilege. And I mean, I think it's like we
(40:51):
all have so many ways to come at the privileged thing,
where we all have privileges, and we all have places
where we're not privileged. And I think the communication can
break down on either side because some people in the
privilege I don't want to confront their harsh truths, and
people on the less privileged side, in my experience, we
(41:13):
sometimes get so triggered that what we're saying is not
necessarily the most effective way of like building a better
future or communicating needs to people about what's happening, Like
I think you get and I think it's hard, and
personal relationships we have like so much other baggage we're
dealing with all the time in terms of like our triggers,
(41:35):
and it's already heightened in person, it's already so heightened,
and so it's hard. It can be hard to communicate
about these things. It can very quickly and easily become
an undefendable argument when you tie if you're talking about
the privilege of white men and like you're you're having
(41:57):
an argument about one thing that's personal and it's tangible,
and it's about something that literally is has happened or
is happening, and then you try in those moments to
tie it to the privilege of a larger category that
it can become not productive and inflamed in hyperbolic, and
then we don't listen from Like I'm sure I have
(42:22):
um as a white woman, experienced plenty of times where
I got like too defensive on something to be productive
with it, and like on the less privileged side, like
sometimes I find I get triggered by things where I'm
my brain is so triggered that is latching onto the
wrong information in a way, and it's so it becomes
(42:44):
difficult to communicate because I'm so angry and like I'll
give you an example of something this week where I
was like, Wow, i think I've really worked through some
emotions on this because I'm not triggered by this anymore,
even though I I'm having the I'm having the memory
of like what would have happened in the past, is
(43:06):
I went into the kitchen and you had left, uh
help of peanut butter in the sink after you finished
making sandwiches or whatever. And I like it. It had
so much peanut butter in it. From my perspective and
the way that I was raised to finish things like
(43:28):
this is something you do with like two to toothpaste
and stuff like you know, like you'll just buy a
new one and then like not use it all. And
I know, like now in my rational brain, it's like, okay,
what is this like cents worth of peanut butter? Like
what am I getting upset about? And I have to
like look at the bigger picture and be like, okay,
(43:48):
Peter was making lunch for our kids and like trying
to get out the door. And I've gotten to a
place where I can like have that reaction and be
like okay, like this is not the end of the world.
But when you're raised in such a way where like
monetary waste feels like the end of the world, like
you love your body, it has inherited from your ancestors
(44:10):
who lived through the depression, this like fear response of
like this, we are going to die because you're wasting things.
Do you know what I mean, Like, it's just like
because that would never occur to me. Yeah, my, Like
this is the unintentionally passed down emotional response that people have,
(44:33):
Like people passed these habits down, and I do. I
see this with people in various communities where it's like
the thing they're advocating for is very real and a
very difficult part of their lives, and like they very
much deserve to be heard. But sometimes when people are
emotional and maybe less eloquent or less educated than others
(44:55):
when they're speaking on the issue, it can start to
seem like I understand why people sometimes they're like, wait,
what am I being attacked for? Like I didn't do
you know what I mean? I think this is something
that you've done incredible work on, which is what you're
describing is you have a abitual, habitual, habitual emotional response
to things that was built up over time for a
(45:17):
rational reason or to be able to have that reaction
and then take a breath and then apply logic to
it realize like, oh, you're you're having emotional reaction about
a teaspoon of peanut butter, and like let that go.
It's not a small thing. Yeah, but I think there's
(45:40):
also like there's work to be done on both sides
of these conversations, because I I think, like, it's not
crazy you want to save money and not just be
like bleeding resources from your house on like a lot
of little you know what I mean. Like, it's not
like there are things where it's like I'll come in
(46:00):
on a seventy five degree day and you have the
A C on and it's like freezing in our home,
and it's like it just feels so triggering because one,
I don't like being in cold rooms and it's like
a beautiful, temperate day outside, and too it's just like
it feels like such a waste, Like the I don't
I don't think the complaint is necessarily completely irrational. It's
(46:26):
just that sometimes the fear responsive things makes you complain
about them in a way that feels irrational. Right, This
is a great example over like that reaction makes sense
coming into that moment, but the reality of that moment
is two hours ago it was eighty three degrees and
(46:46):
unbearable in here, and the A C went on and
I haven't thought about it since then. So being able
to go like, oh, I'm having emotional reaction to this moment.
Let me take a let me push through that before
I react, and then you can see the bigger picture.
I do the same thing with you, like I'll have
emotional quick reactions to things, especially when I feel like
(47:09):
I'm being attacked. I'll get defensive and I'll just I'll
start defending a thing before I believe what I'm saying,
and I'm just like, well no, because I couldn't possibly
be wrong. Well yeah, you get triggered by being called
out on anything, like you, and then you get defensive,
(47:30):
and then I get so much more annoyed than if
you had been like, oh sorry, I'll try to work
on that. But instead you start telling me that my
reality is wrong and like gaslighting me and that and
saying like it's not a real issue. You come at
it from like ten different angles of explaining why it's
not an issue in any way, and then I feel
(47:51):
so much more insane than I did at the start
of the argument we have just described. I think both
of us brought our own faults to this in a
way that perfectly illustrates when they both happen. It's a
worst case scenario. You walk into a thing and react
to it emotionally before you've like considered that there's a
reasonable explanation. I just don't always, not always, not always,
(48:14):
This is us that are worst. When you do that,
I will then, of course just start swinging away to
defend myself. But you're active, okay, But now you're characterizing
it as though like I'm dis reacting that one thing
and not like a pattern of behavior. Well, this is
where it gets tricky because I don't want to generalize.
(48:36):
I'm saying worst case scenario when you're not like, I'm
not picking these things at random, like you know that
you know these are certain things that give me anxiety. Sure,
I mean when I get really annoyed is when I'm like,
how could I can you not see that this is
reasonable that I would make this mistake? But see, this
(48:56):
is this is the dangerous place right now. This is
a very dangerous place where we can start to say
things that are of course true for many examples, but
not not defendable as an absolute truth. It's that there
are plenty of instances is where this is true, but
not always. We're all coming at the world a little crazy.
(49:21):
It is very hard to learn about yourself honestly, the
number one thing that has taught me more about myself,
not number one that's hyperbolic is this podcast. It's very
hard to unlearned privilege because it's so woven into the
(49:42):
fabric of our reality in this country. Like it's so
deeply embedded like that it's by design that we as
like white people or whoever, don't see it in front,
you know what I mean, So it's like to to
feel it. We we it's just feel so far into
(50:03):
us that we're like, we don't want to go there.
But it's very We're totally driven by our emotions, and
so many of our impulses are tied to these emotional realities,
and so we have an emotional reaction, and your logic
and your and your information follows that to justify the
direction that your emotions are pointing, you so be able
(50:24):
to retrain your impulses and your knowledge based to be
able to acknowledge that. I don't want to spend too
much time on that part of the conversation. That was
just like a side note, Like the bigger thing is
that these privileges are real. These are not all illusions
in our head. There are people are having real experiences
(50:44):
that are difficult when it comes like when what what
he described in his email of all the things that
his wife is trying to communicate to him about their
relationship and stuff like, you have gotten a lot better
as a partner and a parent and helping out with
the manual and emotional labor of raising children. But it's
not like I didn't fight tooth and nail to get
(51:05):
you there. Oh, it's totally selfish on my end. And
there's a version of it where I love to congratulate
myself very I was gonna say quietly, but sometimes very
not quietly. And the biggest turning point in our relationship
from my point of view was the day I said
(51:29):
to myself that I am just going to do everything
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take care of everything, and
I'll be honest. It came from a very spiteful place.
It came from I'm gonna do everything so you have
(51:49):
nothing to fucking complain about, and I'm going to be
better than you. Ironically, that's what you're trying to get
me to do, rightfully, because you were doing more well
and because you need to understand what the load is
like like and I didn't understand until I had come
close to accomplishing that and and realizing it took that
(52:13):
much for me to realize, if I feel like I'm
doing everything, I'm actually closer to I'm actually just actually
taking care of my half. Yeah. Well, someone said, like
in a in an equal partnership, both parties feel like
they're doing sixty percent of the work. Like that's what
it feels like, but you have to think it's generous.
(52:34):
It should be seven feel like but you every step
of the way, you've been like, I don't need to
do the dishes. I do the dishes like a few
days ago or whatever, and then you slowly evolved to
someone who like is very aware of the dishes all
the time. Is the thing that needs to get done.
But then you'll you'll get on a high horse about it,
like as if you do everything, and then I have
to point out, like all the ten million other things
(52:56):
that have to be done, and you're slowly you go
into a much more equal place with that. Yeah, I
feel great about it, and now it's it is no longer.
It took a while of me being like se Beth,
I dare you to criticize me. I'm a hero it
(53:16):
took that to be like, oh, I'm really glad best around. Well,
she's really helping in a lot of things. She's given
them baths, she's thinking of thinks she's gotten them Halloween costumes.
And we we do different things, but it feels like
an equal load, and I love you more and I'm happier.
And I would say on the average week, there's more
than one instance like the peanut butter where I'm like,
(53:39):
why the hell did he do this thing? That is
so illogical? And then by the way, get over it
because you're doing a lot of other things. Well, it's good. Also,
it is insane to think you could get any more
peanut butter out of that jar? Do you want to
give up me to give other examples of things he's done.
There was so much peter butter in it, and I
(54:00):
took a picture and we will make it. You took
a picture of a jar of peanut by that that
was full of water and had been soaking because that
was the only way to clean it out. It had
so much peanut butter in there. I took a picture
to show my friends. Trying to get more peanut butter
out of this is just to be insane. Okay, you
(54:20):
are literally gaslighting me about the peanut butter. I have
a photograph. Wait did you take a photograph of when
it was full of water? No? Okay, all right, then
we might just have different views than how much is
usable peanut butter we do. Well, what funny is I
I had? I got all the peanut butter out of
(54:42):
it I could, and then I went and got the
other peanut butter to finish the sandwich. So it wasn't laziness.
I was like, I can't get enough peanut butter out
of this. Okay, Well, I was giving it as an
example of something I didn't bring up because I'm decided,
you know what, that's a lot of peanut butter. But
I'm going to move on with my life because he
aid our kids launches. Don't defend yourself, Doug. You're doing great,
(55:09):
You're asking the right questions, You're doing fine. I think
the most important thing I would say is a takeaway
of privilege discussions is having these discussions is always going
to be hard and feel difficult, And like the fact
that you're feeling discomfort around having those conversations means that
you guys are in a good place because it means
(55:29):
you're making progress and trying to see your way around this.
Like the other alternative would just be that you were
like my wife's crazy. Oh man, she keeps she's crazy.
And then like two years later she finally files for
a divorce and was just like, oh my god, this
guy never tried, you know, like he I don't think
we're all coming at this with a lot of baggage
(55:53):
of our privilege and our inherited privilege, and like, it
doesn't you don't undo that in a day. You know,
everyone can be as long as you're working on it,
you're trying, like you'll get there. It's no no one's
gonna be perfect in this lifetime. You know what I
also realized. There's last thing let's say is that you know,
you try to achieve this balance if you split everything,
(56:17):
but that's not how it works out. You hopefully the
overall load is equal, but you have your strengths and
you should complement each other in a way. That's like again,
so long as you feel both feel like you're doing uh,
it's okay if the duties are different, but ultimately, so
(56:38):
long as the conversation continues and you're open to it.
The more you talk about it, the less of a
big deal it is to talk about it, and you
can learn more and grow more step by step, because
you're not going to fix everything in one conversation ever. Yeah,
and not everyone's you know, arrangement has to be identical. No,
not at all. Yeah. Well, this has been another episode
(57:01):
of We Knows Parenting and I loved it. I had
a great time. And maybe it was the drinks. Maybe
it was you're out of control, you're so drunk right now.
If you want to reach out, you can email us
that we Knows Pod at gmail dot com. If you
would like to submitted questions, share a story, gives some advice,
or a parenting hypothetical. For the Which You Knows segment,
(57:23):
you can email us at we Knows Pod at gmail
dot com or leave a voicemail at three four seven
three eight four seven three nine six. Find us on Instagram, Twitter,
or Facebook and we Knows Pod and please leave us
a review at a rating, and please let the subject
line of that review be hashtag big Boody daddy. Don't
(57:45):
explain why, just write that you know, do what you want.
We love you, We love you all. Let's be friends
my Sa
I welcome to I'm trapped in my my my headphone cords. Alright, guys,
as Peter McNerney, I'm just gonna put this on the
table right now. Okay, So I didn't plan ahead tonight
(00:30):
tonight we or this this month we cast a bunch
of you're trying to explain that you're you had some
drinks tonight, Yes, well when I had three drinks, so
that means I'm plastered comparatively. Ease you here, I mean
you listen to the podcast. I always say you're gonna
hear a drink rattling in my hand. That's like the
(00:51):
one big drink I have a week. It's crazy going
out as a parent and having drinks because you have
no sense of what your body can end little anymore.
You're just like, I hadn't eaten dinner yet, it was
six pm. Get a couple of drinks in there, and
you're like, whoa party time. It's like I was meeting
new company members for story parts we just cast, and
their meeting everyone. It's exciting, and I'm like trying to
(01:14):
be friendly and there's nervous people. It hit me faster
than ever, and I'm a mess. So Beth is in charge.
You're such a mess right now. I'm embarrassed. So um
this week October Halloween season heating up. Oh boy, those
(01:34):
costumes seasons heating up. Get your costumes in order, everybody
your I'm drinking water. Um, I gotta say we have
I have now purchased costumes for Britain, may Haven and
me and it's only like halfway through October. Our entire relationship. Beth,
I've never seen you wear a costume. I think Mayven
(01:56):
has me in the costume spirit, or maybe both of them.
But I think it's a real benchmark because the last
couple of years, it the last few years, it has
felt so exhausting to think of the idea of my
costume for anyone, Like, no matter how cute I could
picture it in my head, I was just like, I
don't have time to figure out how to make a
(02:19):
baby Watson from Sherlock Holmes. Like you you know what
I mean, Like you're sorry, baby Watson, You're plenty of
your baby. I mean, like, there's a lot of cute
costumes out there, but there's only so many hours in
the day, and I feel like for most of our
children's childhood we've been like kind of a frazzled mess
of exhaustion. But getting a costume in could not be easier.
(02:45):
You got an Amazon, you google it, you do it well.
They both had like simple requests this year too. That
kind of helped Brinds a Lemur and Princess, although he
keeps trying to jump ship and say he wants to
be a robot, but I'm trying to distract him. I
don't want to buy another costume. I had a few
years we had not probably ages seven through nine, where
(03:10):
the costume is a big deal and you really think
about it. And my mom took me to Goodwill to
like buy the materials into like so a costume. I
did a headless man costume. There was excellent. We bought
a giant suit jacket um and he like puffed up
the shoulders so that it looked like the shoulders were
(03:31):
at the top of my head. Uh, and so it
looked like a really tall person whose head had been
cut off. And then they put these big fake hands
on the end of the jacket, so I had like
the right sized hands And that was the awesomest costume.
And it took a long time, and I helped my mom.
We sewed it and I wore that with pride. See,
so my family had a complete opposite approach to Halloween,
(03:53):
which is that we had like we it would never
occur to anyone and to think about costumes until like
the night before Halloween, literally, and we had like a
bin of random like costume odds and ends, but not
like real costumes like we had like we had a
(04:14):
cape which was like a like what that was like
the real that was like the the best like thing
you could grab in a pinch to like like this
is a costume um. But then like we had this
rubber mask that was supposed to be Mark Twain, but
you couldn't recognize him. It just looked like an old
(04:37):
man with white hair. Where was that purchased? And why?
I mean probably in my dad's beer drinking days, you know,
I don't know, it doesn't make any sense. Why do
we have that. One year, my brother bought a Bob
Dole mask, which again we were so we were like
so strapped for costumes that that was reused several years later, ironically,
(04:58):
Like there was just clearly ninety on not to Yeah,
I guess if that's the part of the story you're
interested in, Well, it would be insane if you're about
a Bob dolemask in n I don't remember the years
of things. I um um and we yeah, we we
(05:24):
just had we just do that. I have not. So
I loved Halloween and every costume I did until you know,
aged twelve thirteen, when you still went trick or treating,
but it wasn't cool anymore, but you wanted the candy.
The last year I went trick or treating, my oldest
brother worked for Dominoes, so I just put on his
(05:47):
Domino's shirt and carried his like pizza warmer case classic,
and I got uh candy in the pizza warmer, so
I carried it every single door made the same joke, so, um,
where's my pizza? But every year before that that I
could remember, I made something with my mom. I did
(06:09):
one year where my I built a cardboard table that
went around my neck, and then I put a tablecloth
over it, and then I put a plate around my
neck with a fork a knife, so my head was
a main course. That was really fucking annoying to have,
Like the proximity of your arms was just longer than
the table. So much of your Halloween costumes should really
(06:32):
take into account mobility, visibility, not not having to wash
a ton of paint off your face later. And most
of these Halloweens were in Minnesota. The first year we
moved there, it's snowed on Halloween. Well that's the funny thing.
I feel like Halloween is nice now, but when I
was a kid, it was like frigid half the time.
Like you know, now, global warming, no problem, no problem,
(06:56):
I mean nothing but a problem, but no problem. Remember, Okay,
let's focus on the positive and just let the world burn. Okay. Um.
My mom made me a Ghostbusters jacket. She made the
patch and so did on my shoulder. And I never
loved a thing more like in my mind, I was
a Ghostbuster for six years. It was probably one or
(07:17):
two years. There was a kid in my school who
was a Ghostbuster like most years, and he had the
whole like ghost catching thingy. I didn't have any of those.
I just had a backpack. But the jacket was great.
I just had a cape. Uh you've seen the picture
of the year my mom dressed me as a ghost Um. Yeah,
(07:42):
we shouldn't talk about that. Ah, the picture only exists,
so Peter, you were a ghost in a year where
like Casper was very popular and people had a different
idea of ghosts, which is that it was a classic ghost,
classic ghost costume. You see where this is going. It
(08:04):
was a sheet over my head. It was a pointy
headed white ghost. However, my mom she cut the whole
face out, so it was a bed sheet with a
pointy corner on top of my head. But the whole
face was cut out and my face was painted white.
That's where it does feel a little more caspar esque.
It was clearly a ghost. In retrospect, I was like,
(08:26):
this is a little kkk. Yeah, yeah, except you're showing
your face. Oh my god. Yeah, don't do a racist
costume costume this year. Guys, it's not not this year.
(08:48):
We're not anyway, our kids, how are our kids going up?
So also, the costume binge has led somehow to Maven
stealing my lipstick all the time. Oh my god, it's
the week of lipstick. She and it's really cute, so
you feel bad, but you're like, hey, that's a lot
of lipstick. And she sneaks into the bathroom, into the cabinet,
(09:10):
rubs it all over her face. She looks like Joaquin Phoenix,
no effort to find a mirror at any point in
the process. She's just she's like she knows where her
lips are and she's like, it's going around there, I
look great. I would argue, she's not super sure about
where her lips are and that's what matters. Like the
(09:31):
lipstick is full clown joker. It's usually just one quick
mirror back and forth. She it's like just a swipe
and it's like it's honestly very expressive. Yeah, I'll tell
you what lipstick is really hard to get off of.
Not lips. Yeah, well skin, her face is red, red,
(09:55):
all weak. We're just very We just barely cleaned it
off and it would start to fade, and then she's
find another tube of lipstick, like completely, where are these lipsticks?
I don't know anyway, I'm you know, she's inspiring me though,
because I have been thinking about getting more into lipstick,
and I feel like she's correct that it looks incredible
on us. It looks incredible on all of us. It's true, Um,
(10:20):
she feels beautiful. So I also wanted to say, our
kids have been insane this week, like they're really it
seems like they're tired all the time, but it's just
because we picked them up at five thirty six, and
then we're like, they're just so angry and hungry and tired,
and they're they're just so ridiculous. Bryn was being insane
(10:44):
today and he's doing what honestly feels like just a
cruel metaphor for the patriarchy, where I like, I'll tell
him to be polite to Maven. I think I have
a video of this, actually, but he was like, he
keeps trying to turn it on me as if he's
the boss, and he's like, he's like, you're not being polite,
(11:06):
you're not talking to me nice. When I'm like telling
him not to do things, and he's like, hey, you
need to be more nice. And when he does that one,
I'm like, don't you turn this around on me. But
in his worst moments, I see my own worst moments,
it feels like I'm talking to you. It feels like
(11:27):
I'm talking to you. He's like, this is not the
real issue. The real issue is something I'm justifying as
I speak. You're like, you can be mad about this,
but you're not supposed to tell me about it. Can't
you be upset politely? Can't you bring some humility to
your anger? I love man? And why do I love
(11:53):
his men? Why do I always end up with these men? Um?
So that's but all the all the lady birds, they choose,
they choose. That's why all the main members they got
the pretty feathers, because they are constantly auditioning. Yeah, you
guys are you're just You were just on the phone
(12:15):
with your mom talking to her about like your birthday
and stuff, and it was like, I was like, it
does feel like Britain talking to me, Like you're like
just you're You're like, hey, Mom, I love you. I
guess what I'm up to. Oh yeah, there's very few
people in this world I can just brag too, and
my mom is one, and I feel safe and I
(12:37):
love you, Mom, and I love you forever. I could brag.
I bragged to my dad too. Yeah, I mean, you
brack to everyone, but you have a little a special
something with your mom. Well with everybody else. I bragged
to them, and then I make fun of myself to
undercut it because then I feel and with your mom,
You're like and moving on, Mom, I'm killing a spider,
(12:58):
right now on the wall are to me um for
killing a spider. Beth. It was a humongous moth. Yeah,
it was like as big as your head. And then
you're welcome. Oh my god, thank you, you're welcome. It
was here this morning. I lost it and I was like,
Beth better not find that because she's going to be
(13:18):
upset and stressed. Well, luckily, no, I saw another dead
moth this week. So when when they come in pairs
like that, to me, it just starts to feel like
a sign. And then I started I stopped feeling anxious
about what the animal was. Did you start feel anxious
about what it means? Yeah, I'm like like, I gotta
go look at this animal. I found it and I
crushed it. Moth is flight, so thoughts communication maybe, And
(13:46):
it's a nighttime creature, so it could be related to
a nighttime inspiration something. It's drawn to the light, it's yeah,
but it's drawn to exactly to the positive. It's true.
So much of um the spiritual meaning of animals is
actually just like observing what they do and being like, well,
(14:06):
maybe this is this animal crawls and like a grasshopper leaps,
Maybe this is a moment of opportunity or you have
to make some sort of like it's just it's just
studying metaphorically. Get behind this because you can watch any
animal and figure out like what are what's their motivating force?
I can get behind that because it's not that much.
(14:27):
I like it because it's like it feels like they're
visiting us, like we're like, oh, hey, thanks for the message.
But really, what the moth is thinking is that's what
do I get on? In this room? Where am I?
The light is on always? I don't know which way
to go. I'm dead, But I like the first version.
Better Brand had a second week of skating lessons. Yeah
(14:52):
he did. We slept in on Sunday, Man. So I
have a cold. And if you can tell, I just
recorded ten episodes of The Stray Prize Pike Guests, So
my character will be have a cold for ten episodes.
It's not important. Um, but I slept until you we
even into the character didn't acknowledge it, and it's going
(15:12):
to change within the episode. I'm a cold. I'm going
to not have a cold. Story Parts Podcast Season three
premiers this Thursday. I think why part of why people
like our podcast is because you sort of get filled
in on the backstory of the story Parts podcast, Like
it really is like I understand what Peter the character
was going through in this moment, but I wonder what
Peter the person was experiencing the there's no difference. That
(15:36):
character is me a complete idiot who will the sex
behind the scenes only on this podcast. It's like the
HBO stay tuned after the episode for we know his
parenting behind the episode. Um, we haven't talked about story parts,
and if you don't know what I'm talking about, check
it out. It's really it's the best dast joke. Um,
(15:58):
we had a skating last thing. I slept in till
ten of thirteen. Yeah, well, I woke up earlier that
morning to change all of Brin's clothes because he had
peeed through a diaper and he was soaking wet, and
then wipe him down and then try to crawl back
to bed as quickly as possible before my eyes adjusted
and thought I was awake. That's always the trick, is
like I gotta got it and get them a thing
(16:19):
or help them, but I don't want to really wake
up to keep my eyes I do like I do,
it's squinting like, I'm like, you're still asleep. You're still asleep.
You're gonna go back to sleep. It's gonna be asleep
because if you yeah, it's then you just can't fall asleep.
Um but I I had to do that, and then
I climbed back into bed and then we slept till ten.
Did you give him a drink before bed? You were
(16:41):
home with them that night Saturday night. Yeah, he had
skating lessons on Sunday morning. You're right. I did not
give him drink to night, So I can't blame you
for this. He just sometimes assydrated and he pee's a
lot because he's a huge boy who shouldn't be Okay,
he's fine. I mean a lot of kids are not
(17:02):
over this. You know, let's started getting into the It's
very very possible, knowing us that we should have upgraded
diaper sizes about two years ago. So that's not the problem.
I don't know. He's a big boy who's got a
lot of pa in him. It's going somewhere. I'm I'm
for let's pick a week where we just cold turkey,
(17:25):
wrap that mattress in plastic and go no drinks. I
just don't want to think about it, I'll do it.
We just it's been easier to not do it. But
when we do it by accident, when he somehow has underwear,
he always peace every time. I mean every morning that
(17:46):
pull up. You're you want to do an experiment where
he whatt's the bed, like every night for five days
and then we're like, oh, I guess he doesn't doesn't
have the hormone yet it was all for nothing. Let's
put it off for year, scared and ashamed of it.
You know what, You're right, I'm in no rush. So
I slept till ten thirteen and his skating lessons started
(18:08):
ten fifteen. I had a full thirty seconds of going,
is it worth it? Do I go for it? I
can't believe you still want We went and it was
worth it. He was fifteen minutes, only a half hour lesson,
and you were like it was already past the time
it had started and he were still at home fifteen
minutes late to a thirty minute class. But I'll tell
(18:31):
you what. He showed up late and the teacher was
like Brin, and Brin was like, I am loved and
he was really happy. You love to put everything to
like the very last. I Typically my impulse is when
I get to the point where I have just enough
time to do it, that's when I do it. I'm
(18:52):
better than I've ever been in not doing that. But
this wasn't that. I mean, I was like, there's no
way I'm sleeping past nine. I slept stilled to him thirteen. You. Um,
I just want to give an example of the other day. Uh,
I had a conference call and had to be on
a phone call, and I just wanted you to take
Brand out to go to a movie, and you had
the movie scheduled and everything, and you were scrambling to
(19:16):
get him out the door, like two minutes before time
to leave, and you were loudly shouting as you were
hurting him out the door up until like the very
last second that the call was supposed to start. It
was like when your call started, we were gone, right,
but literally just shouting like we gotta go. Mommy needs
(19:36):
to relax and be comfortable for her call. Yeah. It
was a lot of yeah, um yeah. That went later
than I planned. And then we got to the movie
theater and the movie was half an hour later than
I thought, So I had half an hour of Brand
being bored of previews. So we watched five minutes of
the movie and he said, I want to go home.
(19:57):
The first twenty minutes of Obomba, Obomba, Abominable, Abominable. I here,
it's a very good movie from people, and they were
like someone said, like, don't get it confused with all
these other like snowy creature movies that are out recently.
And I appreciate get them confused. I did appreciate this
person telling me that, because I would never have realized
(20:19):
there was multiple. I was upset to leave. I was
trying to get him to stay, and I was like,
I'm not going to push it. I don't want him
to hate the movie theater. But he's never made it
through a whole movie. I've taken him the three movies.
This was the least amount of time he stayed. Well,
he loves his couch. You know what I mean, because
(20:41):
I do too. That's what he was flipping out out today.
He was like, well, he a million things. He wanted
to go out to dinner, and then he wanted to
watch TV, and then he wanted to talk incessantly at
may Ben. And that's when he told me I was
not being polite anyway, sorry, we should wrap this up
(21:01):
and move on. I'm drunk, Okay, let's bye, and that
it was time for do you know? So they're saying,
(21:22):
this is where we share some some choice quotes from
the Little Ones. So Brendan Mayven we're in the bath together,
after vehemently denying that he would ever take a bath.
As soon as I started feeling it, Brian jumped in
and had all these dinosaurs and was like, so they
were talking in characters, dinosaurs and like laughing for a
(21:43):
long time and wouldn't get out of the bath, which
was fine. Um, but they we're talking to each other.
And just as a backstory for those of you who
didn't listen to I think last week's episode, we've we
tried to have a talk with my sister and I
explained that she would was not interested in marrying a
man because she's gay, and he did not take that well.
He really wants to believe that there's rules about men
(22:07):
and women marrying each other. He's he's trying to wrap
his head around this despite the fact we've mentioned. Yeah,
he's had he's had a lesbian an since he was born. Um,
but anyway, he's he's just trying to understand it, but
he says really obnoxious things while he's trying to figure
it out. So they were in the bathtub, and uh,
they're talking about like marriage for a long time and
(22:29):
having the characters get married, and Brent said, I have
tickets to go to a wedding. And and then I
started transcribing this as they were talking because they were
being so funny and I didn't have time to get
my camera out. Um, and brind goes in Dino time.
The rules are, marry a man if you're a woman,
(22:49):
marry a woman if you're He literally says those rules
and then okay. So then later he said, if they
started talking about like babies or something, I don't know marriage, babies, etcetera.
He said, if a woman, I think Mayven might have
asked him how babies are made or something. And he goes,
(23:11):
if a woman eats an egg, she doesn't get a baby,
but if she puts it in her butt, she gets
a baby. And then and then maybe and then Mayven.
This is me literally typing as fast as I can
to transcribe their exact words. Then Mayven said, I just
put my I just put an egg in my button,
(23:35):
and friend goes, that means when you're a woman, you
might marry a man. And then he goes, are you
going to marry a man or a woman? And Mayven
said a man? And France said, I'm marrying a woman.
And then he goes Ali, which is his aunt. He goes,
Alie wants to marry a woman, she can do that
(23:57):
if she wants. He's, yeah, he's he's processing it. And
then he said, if a woman marries a woman, maybe
they both get an egg. And then Maybe said, Maybe said,
and they're both beaths. There are two baths, which is
very funny because my sister's ex girlfriend was named Beth.
(24:17):
And I think they're also processing that. Um and Bring
goes and they both have brown hair, which is true,
and then and then Maybe says, and they both have boobies.
Uh so yeah, they were. This is them sort of
trying to give like a cliff notes and on all
(24:38):
the like reproductive knowledge they've gotten and like marriage notledge,
because I think my sister tried to explain this to them,
but they still don't understand that, like babies in marriage
are not a unit. Like so yeah, yeah, Bryn, Bryn
ties his existence to the moment we got married. He's like,
(25:00):
you got married and I was born. Yeah, He's like,
you fell in love, so you got married and then
had me, because that's what you do and it's mine.
I think it's the same moment. Well. Yeah. The um
Reproductive Kids books are like sort of you know, out
of date. They're like from the seventies, so they're glossing
over a lot of reality and sometimes I'm like, I
(25:21):
wish this was just more graphic. That's how I feel.
That's totally how I feel, because I'm like, just get
to the point, and then when they ask questions, you're
just like, it's a cervix. It has to expand to
squeeze you out, like you don't have to like should
we just show them real pictures and stuff? I mean yeah,
as they get a little older, I don't know if
(25:42):
I think it would be. I've had enough drinks. That's
why I come up. I don't know if they're like
quite there yet developmental wise, but like they are. Brand
is like checking out my pubic hair and being like,
why do you have that hair there? Oh? Because grown
ups to older people, women like he starts like listening
things out. He's like when exactly is that going to
start happening? Why does it happening? Like he's just curious.
(26:06):
These are really good questions. They are really good questions.
I'm answering them as like puberty. And he was like what,
And I was like, when you're a teenager, and he
was like and I was trying to explain it, and
he was like, I'm going to be a teenager when
I'm seventeen, and like he just like he makes his big,
like declarative statements of trying to plan his future on
(26:27):
very limited information. This is what I've said forever. Kids
are brilliant, they just don't have enough information to make
really great conclusions with with scarce information. He well, today
he was like, he had his nature class after school today.
How did he go? He wouldn't really give me details,
(26:47):
and he was just being weird about it. I think
he was just again processing what happened, but he was like,
he wouldn't give me details. And then I was saying,
he was really dirty, and then I needed to take
a bath because there's like visible dirt on his neck
and stuff, which you know, I'm glad, I'm glad he
got outside in a different environment. I'm glad, but I
was like, you do need to take a bath at
(27:08):
least like twice a week because you guys, you guys
are filthy animals and um, and we sometimes don't hit
that target. Here's the rule I've made up in my mind.
It is like, bath needs to happen twice a week
otherwise they're just real stinky. But I would say only
one of those baths needs to include like a vigorous shampoo.
(27:30):
I'm mostly just worried about their stinky bodies and faces.
You know, boy, we're pretty good at balancing uh jobs
at this point. That's one I'm still that's my worst thing.
I never put them in the bath. Yeah, you're good
at day to day at almost everything, exact routine. That's
(27:54):
one that if it was had to happen every night,
I'd get good at it. But it does anyway. Um,
that's what our kids said. Um, that's literally the funniest
thing I've heard in my entire life. I'm gonna go
put and I remember so when I was telling Brand
(28:17):
about the that they had to take a bath, he
was I was. He was saying, like, I don't want
to go back to the nature place that it's like
the Nature Center. He's like, I don't want to go
back because then they get dirty and then I have
to take a bath. Like but he was just being
performatively angry, and he was like, I want to take
the cooking class. And I was like, well, in the
cooking class, you'll still get dirty and have to take
(28:37):
a bath. And he was like no, and he was
like it won't and he kept going, it's bad to
get dirty, it's good to get clean. And it's like
he kept saying it over and over. Get into No.
He definitely like, this is not a thing that's been
like hammered in around here. But he was just in
that like performative angry mode that he was just like
(28:58):
he get he makes these huge declar ations where you're like,
you sound insane, U, you sound insane, fucking five year old,
You don't know you don't put an egg in your butt,
that would be devastating, not if you want to get pregnant. Um.
(29:18):
Every time I explained all of sex to him, again,
he retains more. I think he's like, I think he's
showing a pretty like evolving grasp of what's happening, Like
he's he does not understand the difference between of vagina
and a butt all the same. Still, did we talk
about him taking a picture of Maven's butt? Oh, my god,
(29:38):
to talk about this. I was in the bedroom. I
was in the bedroom, and like I had just been
with the kids. Maven and Bryn had both been fully
clothed because it was like right after dinner or whatever.
All of a sudden they run in Maven's completely naked
and Brynn is holding the Polaroid camera and the fully
(30:00):
developed yet not fully developed yet, and they were like,
They're like, we took a picture of Maven's butt, And
then they were like, wait, don't look, and then they
like and then the picture developed and it was the
most graphic photo. I mean, I don't want to be graphic.
It was her anus right up in there, all of it.
(30:23):
And then you texted it to me and I was like,
we needed to delete this from the cloud. Yeah. Yeah,
they were really They were gigglings so hard though, and
I didn't want to shame them about it. I was
just like laughing because they were so funny. They were
like her butt and they kept looking at the photo
and being like, I like that this is the funniest
(30:43):
thing I've ever seen about because I was like, whoa,
and they were they loved it. I have to talk
with him about like you shouldn't take pictures to people's
private parts. I mean lightly, but I didn't. I just
didn't want to make it a whole thing to be
like private parts are bad, Like I just yeah, that's
the three. You gotta be like, hey, I'm saying this,
this is important, but I'm not going to give you
that the artificially stern, angry thing. I didn't really get
(31:06):
into it because I don't feel like this is going
to be a super ongoing thing. I mean, maybe maybe
is sort of lightly into like flashing her boots this week,
like it's not she's been really into it this week,
but I think it's a passing phase. I don't Again,
I don't want to make too big a deal out
of it because then she's just gonna want to flash
(31:27):
her But all that every time she falls down of
farts and sticks her button, run the camera, you laugh
hysterically because it's funny. I mean I laugh hysterically inside,
and then she then goes, this is good. I'm doing
this well because she does. She's so sassy about it,
like she she'll fart and then she she is but
she's so coy and she'll fart and she'll go nothing.
(31:52):
She's just like she's like she'll be like, what it
wasn't me, you farted and she's like really playing it
up and it's so funny. Like she's just so particularly,
like so articulate and such a big kid. And today
today she's talking about it. She's like, farts are so funny.
Like she I was like, I get it. You're not wrong,
(32:16):
I get it, but you gotta start to slowly learn
to be ashamed of it a little bit. But it's
still enjoying. I don't know, or just like make a
career out of it. It's fine, like it's just make
a career. Yeah, just make a butt career. Put a
meg in your butt, you know. I did. Um. I
got my first like Instagram sponsorship thing today and it was, um,
(32:41):
what does that mean? It was not real. It was
like they were like, we'll give you as it like
a They didn't use the term influencer, but something similar
for like you know, selling the marketing whatever. They were like,
we'll give you a free pair of leggings if you
post on your Instagram and but you have to for shipping.
(33:01):
And I was like, no, I don't want this is
You're you're making me pay money to do work for
you that involves very vulnerable putting on the tightest pants
imaginable and modeling them. And I went to their Instagram
page and it was like all like the roundest bootied models.
Like I was like, I don't know how you guys
stumbled upon my page and thought this was like a
(33:23):
good fit. But every time you post, you go hashtag
big booty, hashag big booty mama. That's what I always say. Hey, okay,
but it's part of the fart culture, Beth, I got it.
If you guys are going to review the podcast this
week on Apple Podcast or anywhere you listen, please do
(33:45):
subject line hashtag big booty Mama. That's the subject of
your review this week. If nothing, it's something I wanted
to be associated with my brand for a very long time. Okay.
Can I just say, um, I have more Instagram followers
than you, just a little bit one getting the endorsement
request because you don't have that booty hashtag big booty daddy. Actually, listeners,
(34:10):
please tag it with hashtag big Booty Daddy. Do not
hashtag big meaty Mama. The official hashtag for this episode
is big Booty Daddy. Um. The title of this episode
is hashtag big booty Daddy. The only people I would
want stumbling on this podcast while searching for sexual content
(34:32):
on the internet is gay men, and I do I
do think that that's a good brand match. If they
accidentally get like a key do you think there's some
gay guy out there and being like, oh, I'm gonna
search for a big booty Daddy parenting podcast there, he's like, Hey,
(34:52):
I've been thinking about all these big booty daddies and
meanwhile I didn't realize I want to start a family
and kids. That's a classic gay archetype. That's the big
Boody Daddy. I can't get enough of that big Daddy. Yeah.
I mean, it's definitely a very hip hashtag that's being
used a lot in the gay community. Very hip, very hippie,
(35:14):
big hips. Big this has been We'll find out when
this episode gets tagged with that. What the Big Green
Daddy online community and tails Okay listen up by Heart
Radio Social crew Biddy and our producers are like, please,
(35:34):
could you just say something about schools or go back
to school. I don't know, big buddy Daddy. This next
(35:55):
segment is called listeners want to Know, So that's where
we take your questions and comments. All right, right, this
is a slightly lengthy email. I'm when I dive right
in high Beth and Peter, my wife and I both
listened to your pot we identify. Thank you, Beth, that
was helpful. We identified to a high degree with a
lot of your parenting foibles and marriage interactions that you
(36:16):
tend to display on your weekly sessions that you put
out online. We are also NYC transplants have two small children. Uh.
We all had to leave Brooklyn due to finances. I
skew artistic while my wife wife is much smarter than me,
and all I want in life is her approval and
for her to tell me she loves me. You know, yes, Doug,
(36:37):
I do. Since I can only speak from the male
side of things, I will try and restrict myself from
speaking too much for my wife. But I believe that
she would say that I have a tendency to run
the room and don't listen enough, that I try to
fix things too often, and that I underappreciate the emotional
labor that modern and historical women have carried and do
(36:58):
still carry. That I am the very distinction of that,
I am the very distinction of a fragile white man.
I've always felt that I was an advocate for those
whose voices have historically been oppressed, but in the modern
political environment with a liberal minded individuals not not automatically
views as an advocate to the disenfranchise. I have struggled
(37:20):
with my challenge changing role in my marriage, in my
children's lives, in and in identifying what kind of example
I can actually be. I never thought when growing up
that I would become the figurative representation of the oppressor
to who, to those who I always felt that I
was most closely aligned with throughout my life. Now that
(37:40):
I'm a middle aged white man and not a young
goofus of a kid, I have found that I have
lost the benefit of the doubt that I received before
and have to try even harder to have my intentions known,
also learning that intentions in and of themselves are not
functional entities, but often signposts of enlightened egg ignorance that
(38:00):
I now need to actively engage with in order to modernize.
It is a massive source of frustration for myself and
perhaps for the first time ever, I can begin to
empathize empathize with those that have not been heard. My
wife had has also struggled with our attempts to find
a new normal, because she has worded it on occasions,
I'm the quote unquote one of the good ones. We
(38:24):
both engage in household activities and share traditionally non masculine
roles within our family as providers, caregivers, cooks, and cleaners.
She's much better at these things. This is known to
bring this into a pod sized, chewable paragraph for your consideration,
we're getting to that paragraph where in the last paragraph
(38:44):
and I have what conversations have you had our tactics
have you employed to realign yourselves as a modern couple
couple given the friction that these changing roles have sometimes
that these sometimes bring. I really love the conversation that
your pod produce. Does an appreciate your efforts and making
parenting a relatable and enjoyable experience to those who are
(39:05):
daily wrestling with the best ways to be thoughtful. I'll
be at highly imperfect people who have made a small
person regard best regards Douglas. First of all, I al,
we sort of made fun of the length of that,
but that was very well written, thoughtful. I mean, I
like seeing men on the defense these days. I appreciate it.
(39:27):
I um what I appreciate. I appreciate a lot of
things about this email, and I related to a lot
of it. But I liked that as it went, every
statement needed to then be not disclaimed, but reacted to
with what may, anticipating how things could be reacted to
(39:49):
many ways, and acknowledging that in the way that there's
a sign of somebody who has clearly been thinking and
talking about these things a lot. Well, it's a delicate
balance to be thoughtful and not sound like the authority,
sort of like I'm doing right now. I appreciate that
(40:09):
he's being more thoughtful about it. It does feel like
there's a shift culturally people are having where they're realizing like, Okay,
I do need to think about this, And they're mostly
having that realization because the women around them are like, Hey,
I'm no longer going to sit here while you don't
think about this. So I think women are doing a
lot of invisible work to make this happen. It seems
(40:30):
his wife is. And I do think the stuff trickles
out into the world and your relationships with other women
in the workplace and stuff where you do want your
husband's be thoughtful about the ways that he interacts with
this privilege. And I mean, I think it's like we
(40:51):
all have so many ways to come at the privileged thing,
where we all have privileges, and we all have places
where we're not privileged. And I think the communication can
break down on either side because some people in the
privilege I don't want to confront their harsh truths, and
people on the less privileged side, in my experience, we
(41:13):
sometimes get so triggered that what we're saying is not
necessarily the most effective way of like building a better
future or communicating needs to people about what's happening, Like
I think you get and I think it's hard, and
personal relationships we have like so much other baggage we're
dealing with all the time in terms of like our triggers,
(41:35):
and it's already heightened in person, it's already so heightened,
and so it's hard. It can be hard to communicate
about these things. It can very quickly and easily become
an undefendable argument when you tie if you're talking about
the privilege of white men and like you're you're having
(41:57):
an argument about one thing that's personal and it's tangible,
and it's about something that literally is has happened or
is happening, and then you try in those moments to
tie it to the privilege of a larger category that
it can become not productive and inflamed in hyperbolic, and
then we don't listen from Like I'm sure I have
(42:22):
um as a white woman, experienced plenty of times where
I got like too defensive on something to be productive
with it, and like on the less privileged side, like
sometimes I find I get triggered by things where I'm
my brain is so triggered that is latching onto the
wrong information in a way, and it's so it becomes
(42:44):
difficult to communicate because I'm so angry and like I'll
give you an example of something this week where I
was like, Wow, i think I've really worked through some
emotions on this because I'm not triggered by this anymore,
even though I I'm having the I'm having the memory
of like what would have happened in the past, is
(43:06):
I went into the kitchen and you had left, uh
help of peanut butter in the sink after you finished
making sandwiches or whatever. And I like it. It had
so much peanut butter in it. From my perspective and
the way that I was raised to finish things like
(43:28):
this is something you do with like two to toothpaste
and stuff like you know, like you'll just buy a
new one and then like not use it all. And
I know, like now in my rational brain, it's like, okay,
what is this like cents worth of peanut butter? Like
what am I getting upset about? And I have to
like look at the bigger picture and be like, okay,
(43:48):
Peter was making lunch for our kids and like trying
to get out the door. And I've gotten to a
place where I can like have that reaction and be
like okay, like this is not the end of the world.
But when you're raised in such a way where like
monetary waste feels like the end of the world, like
you love your body, it has inherited from your ancestors
(44:10):
who lived through the depression, this like fear response of
like this, we are going to die because you're wasting things.
Do you know what I mean, Like, it's just like
because that would never occur to me. Yeah, my, Like
this is the unintentionally passed down emotional response that people have,
(44:33):
Like people passed these habits down, and I do. I
see this with people in various communities where it's like
the thing they're advocating for is very real and a
very difficult part of their lives, and like they very
much deserve to be heard. But sometimes when people are
emotional and maybe less eloquent or less educated than others
(44:55):
when they're speaking on the issue, it can start to
seem like I understand why people sometimes they're like, wait,
what am I being attacked for? Like I didn't do
you know what I mean? I think this is something
that you've done incredible work on, which is what you're
describing is you have a abitual, habitual, habitual emotional response
to things that was built up over time for a
(45:17):
rational reason or to be able to have that reaction
and then take a breath and then apply logic to
it realize like, oh, you're you're having emotional reaction about
a teaspoon of peanut butter, and like let that go.
It's not a small thing. Yeah, but I think there's
(45:40):
also like there's work to be done on both sides
of these conversations, because I I think, like, it's not
crazy you want to save money and not just be
like bleeding resources from your house on like a lot
of little you know what I mean. Like, it's not
like there are things where it's like I'll come in
(46:00):
on a seventy five degree day and you have the
A C on and it's like freezing in our home,
and it's like it just feels so triggering because one,
I don't like being in cold rooms and it's like
a beautiful, temperate day outside, and too it's just like
it feels like such a waste, Like the I don't
I don't think the complaint is necessarily completely irrational. It's
(46:26):
just that sometimes the fear responsive things makes you complain
about them in a way that feels irrational. Right, This
is a great example over like that reaction makes sense
coming into that moment, but the reality of that moment
is two hours ago it was eighty three degrees and
(46:46):
unbearable in here, and the A C went on and
I haven't thought about it since then. So being able
to go like, oh, I'm having emotional reaction to this moment.
Let me take a let me push through that before
I react, and then you can see the bigger picture.
I do the same thing with you, like I'll have
emotional quick reactions to things, especially when I feel like
(47:09):
I'm being attacked. I'll get defensive and I'll just I'll
start defending a thing before I believe what I'm saying,
and I'm just like, well no, because I couldn't possibly
be wrong. Well yeah, you get triggered by being called
out on anything, like you, and then you get defensive,
(47:30):
and then I get so much more annoyed than if
you had been like, oh sorry, I'll try to work
on that. But instead you start telling me that my
reality is wrong and like gaslighting me and that and
saying like it's not a real issue. You come at
it from like ten different angles of explaining why it's
not an issue in any way, and then I feel
(47:51):
so much more insane than I did at the start
of the argument we have just described. I think both
of us brought our own faults to this in a
way that perfectly illustrates when they both happen. It's a
worst case scenario. You walk into a thing and react
to it emotionally before you've like considered that there's a
reasonable explanation. I just don't always, not always, not always,
(48:14):
This is us that are worst. When you do that,
I will then, of course just start swinging away to
defend myself. But you're active, okay, But now you're characterizing
it as though like I'm dis reacting that one thing
and not like a pattern of behavior. Well, this is
where it gets tricky because I don't want to generalize.
(48:36):
I'm saying worst case scenario when you're not like, I'm
not picking these things at random, like you know that
you know these are certain things that give me anxiety. Sure,
I mean when I get really annoyed is when I'm like,
how could I can you not see that this is
reasonable that I would make this mistake? But see, this
(48:56):
is this is the dangerous place right now. This is
a very dangerous place where we can start to say
things that are of course true for many examples, but
not not defendable as an absolute truth. It's that there
are plenty of instances is where this is true, but
not always. We're all coming at the world a little crazy.
(49:21):
It is very hard to learn about yourself honestly, the
number one thing that has taught me more about myself,
not number one that's hyperbolic is this podcast. It's very
hard to unlearned privilege because it's so woven into the
(49:42):
fabric of our reality in this country. Like it's so
deeply embedded like that it's by design that we as
like white people or whoever, don't see it in front,
you know what I mean, So it's like to to
feel it. We we it's just feel so far into
(50:03):
us that we're like, we don't want to go there.
But it's very We're totally driven by our emotions, and
so many of our impulses are tied to these emotional realities,
and so we have an emotional reaction, and your logic
and your and your information follows that to justify the
direction that your emotions are pointing, you so be able
(50:24):
to retrain your impulses and your knowledge based to be
able to acknowledge that. I don't want to spend too
much time on that part of the conversation. That was
just like a side note, Like the bigger thing is
that these privileges are real. These are not all illusions
in our head. There are people are having real experiences
(50:44):
that are difficult when it comes like when what what
he described in his email of all the things that
his wife is trying to communicate to him about their
relationship and stuff like, you have gotten a lot better
as a partner and a parent and helping out with
the manual and emotional labor of raising children. But it's
not like I didn't fight tooth and nail to get
(51:05):
you there. Oh, it's totally selfish on my end. And
there's a version of it where I love to congratulate
myself very I was gonna say quietly, but sometimes very
not quietly. And the biggest turning point in our relationship
from my point of view was the day I said
(51:29):
to myself that I am just going to do everything
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take care of everything, and
I'll be honest. It came from a very spiteful place.
It came from I'm gonna do everything so you have
(51:49):
nothing to fucking complain about, and I'm going to be
better than you. Ironically, that's what you're trying to get
me to do, rightfully, because you were doing more well
and because you need to understand what the load is
like like and I didn't understand until I had come
close to accomplishing that and and realizing it took that
(52:13):
much for me to realize, if I feel like I'm
doing everything, I'm actually closer to I'm actually just actually
taking care of my half. Yeah. Well, someone said, like
in a in an equal partnership, both parties feel like
they're doing sixty percent of the work. Like that's what
it feels like, but you have to think it's generous.
(52:34):
It should be seven feel like but you every step
of the way, you've been like, I don't need to
do the dishes. I do the dishes like a few
days ago or whatever, and then you slowly evolved to
someone who like is very aware of the dishes all
the time. Is the thing that needs to get done.
But then you'll you'll get on a high horse about it,
like as if you do everything, and then I have
to point out, like all the ten million other things
(52:56):
that have to be done, and you're slowly you go
into a much more equal place with that. Yeah, I
feel great about it, and now it's it is no longer.
It took a while of me being like se Beth,
I dare you to criticize me. I'm a hero it
(53:16):
took that to be like, oh, I'm really glad best around. Well,
she's really helping in a lot of things. She's given
them baths, she's thinking of thinks she's gotten them Halloween costumes.
And we we do different things, but it feels like
an equal load, and I love you more and I'm happier.
And I would say on the average week, there's more
than one instance like the peanut butter where I'm like,
(53:39):
why the hell did he do this thing? That is
so illogical? And then by the way, get over it
because you're doing a lot of other things. Well, it's good. Also,
it is insane to think you could get any more
peanut butter out of that jar? Do you want to
give up me to give other examples of things he's done.
There was so much peter butter in it, and I
(54:00):
took a picture and we will make it. You took
a picture of a jar of peanut by that that
was full of water and had been soaking because that
was the only way to clean it out. It had
so much peanut butter in there. I took a picture
to show my friends. Trying to get more peanut butter
out of this is just to be insane. Okay, you
(54:20):
are literally gaslighting me about the peanut butter. I have
a photograph. Wait did you take a photograph of when
it was full of water? No? Okay, all right, then
we might just have different views than how much is
usable peanut butter we do. Well, what funny is I
I had? I got all the peanut butter out of
(54:42):
it I could, and then I went and got the
other peanut butter to finish the sandwich. So it wasn't laziness.
I was like, I can't get enough peanut butter out
of this. Okay, Well, I was giving it as an
example of something I didn't bring up because I'm decided,
you know what, that's a lot of peanut butter. But
I'm going to move on with my life because he
aid our kids launches. Don't defend yourself, Doug. You're doing great,
(55:09):
You're asking the right questions, You're doing fine. I think
the most important thing I would say is a takeaway
of privilege discussions is having these discussions is always going
to be hard and feel difficult, And like the fact
that you're feeling discomfort around having those conversations means that
you guys are in a good place because it means
(55:29):
you're making progress and trying to see your way around this.
Like the other alternative would just be that you were
like my wife's crazy. Oh man, she keeps she's crazy.
And then like two years later she finally files for
a divorce and was just like, oh my god, this
guy never tried, you know, like he I don't think
we're all coming at this with a lot of baggage
(55:53):
of our privilege and our inherited privilege, and like, it
doesn't you don't undo that in a day. You know,
everyone can be as long as you're working on it,
you're trying, like you'll get there. It's no no one's
gonna be perfect in this lifetime. You know what I
also realized. There's last thing let's say is that you know,
you try to achieve this balance if you split everything,
(56:17):
but that's not how it works out. You hopefully the
overall load is equal, but you have your strengths and
you should complement each other in a way. That's like again,
so long as you feel both feel like you're doing uh,
it's okay if the duties are different, but ultimately, so
(56:38):
long as the conversation continues and you're open to it.
The more you talk about it, the less of a
big deal it is to talk about it, and you
can learn more and grow more step by step, because
you're not going to fix everything in one conversation ever. Yeah,
and not everyone's you know, arrangement has to be identical. No,
not at all. Yeah. Well, this has been another episode
(57:01):
of We Knows Parenting and I loved it. I had
a great time. And maybe it was the drinks. Maybe
it was you're out of control, you're so drunk right now.
If you want to reach out, you can email us
that we Knows Pod at gmail dot com. If you
would like to submitted questions, share a story, gives some advice,
or a parenting hypothetical. For the Which You Knows segment,
(57:23):
you can email us at we Knows Pod at gmail
dot com or leave a voicemail at three four seven
three eight four seven three nine six. Find us on Instagram, Twitter,
or Facebook and we Knows Pod and please leave us
a review at a rating, and please let the subject
line of that review be hashtag big Boody daddy. Don't
(57:45):
explain why, just write that you know, do what you want.
We love you, We love you all. Let's be friends
my Sa
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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