October 16, 2019 • 46 mins
Beth heads out into the woods with a bunch of moms during a full moon, Peter hates Facebook happy birthdays, Bryn is a brat and Maeven asks the age old question “do we have bones in our butts?”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:13):
Hello, and welcome to We Knows Parenting in the House
that newel. We're a day late, guys, Sorry, we're late.
Sorry we're late. Beth had to be in California and
take the Red Eyeback. How was the Red Eye? Um?
It was good in the sense that I slept for
most of it. It was bad in the sense that
(00:34):
it was Yeah, I've thrown up twice after getting off
of Red Eye. I can't do it. I can't do it.
I won't do it. I'm just so tired. I don't
even like and I don't know at this point. It's
I don't know. It's not from lack of sleep, it's
just from jet lag. It's just like my body is like,
(00:54):
where am I what's happening? Yeah, well, yeah, you shouldn't.
You shouldn't be Well, it's the it's the Red Eye.
It's in l A. It's being awake time still, that's
for sure time zones. Am I right? Am? I right?
I was supposed to go do um harassment sexual harassment
(01:18):
training for one of my jobs this morning, and I
missed it because you were harassing someone. I was too
busy sexually harassing somebody. Not don't joke about that. Um,
what if you? I was just cool with it with
with me, like you know, you're harassing anyway. That would
be out of character for you in every single way.
(01:40):
But I thought you would be able to take the
kids to school. I didn't think about it, and you
weren't even back by the time I saw the kids
to school. No, so I missed it. Noon't said anything.
Are you blaming me? And then the rest of my
day easier knowing I had to miss it. But I'm
have to take an online course continue believing sexual harassments. Okay, yeah,
(02:06):
I'm I'm still I'm not sold. I'm not sold yet.
Um yeah. So I was out of sound all weekend
hanging out with some moms from my mom group of
moms something like that, and this really just started from
a Facebook group. Yeah, it's a Facebook group of moms.
And they hosted a retreat in Big Bear, California, and
(02:27):
at like a summer camp type place, and it was
wonderful and it was like, it's kind of like Mom's
gone wild, except that you know, moms don't go that wild,
like they're catching up on naps, and like moms go
wild and catch up on naps, it's like an ice
walk in the wood. It was great, Like, well, everyone
had their own version of wild. So like for some
people they were like, I'm going to party all night,
(02:48):
and other people they were like, I'm going to read
in my bunk bed. What is the age range of
this mom group? Um, it's moms, so it's mom aged.
I would say that that could be twenty two to
a D and two. Well, okay, so it's largely Los
Angeles based moms, which means that the excuse older for moms,
(03:12):
which means like I would say average age of like
forty three. You mean moms who currently have children in
their house. Yeah, people who are like looking for compassion
and mom advice and a shoulder to cry. Oh did
you find that for yourself in Big Bear? Yeah? I
(03:34):
mean it was just fun. It was just fun to
see friends and people and hang out and be outside
and not have kids near us. You have a rich
digital life, I do, well, I don't. We don't have
friends who live in close proximity to us. Our closest
friends are still an hour drive away. It's true, and
(03:57):
that's where I was this weekend. Yeah, that's it's just
you gotta make your own community and a digital age. Um.
I spent the weekend talking about this because I don't
like people to be around me as much as I
(04:18):
it seems like I do. You spent the weekend talking
about how you don't like people, about how I'm nervous
social social anxiety, it's too much work, and that I'm
the big revelation, um realization, rather that I'm very introverted
because I'm very performative. I'm very ha ha ha. I
(04:38):
gotta give, gotta give all my energy to the world.
I never asked people questions because I'm too scared of
asking the wrong questions. So I just make myself comfortable
by talking about myself because I'm in control of the
social moment if I do that. But it leads to
obviously an unbalanced social exchange where I have not learned
anything about you, and I feel guilty about it, and
now I just want to go home and be alone
(05:01):
and just tell you about it. Yeah. Um, I have
a different kind of social anxiety where that doesn't manifest
us talking about myself, not stuff I think sometimes maybe
I don't know. I think we are. We are surprisingly
similar in some respects in terms of like we do
(05:22):
need to get away and be alone. But we respond
to the social moments very differently. Well, I spent most
of the wee can hang out with my friend who
is much more comfortable in social situations than me, and
I feel like I'm learning a lot from her because she, like,
she has actually similar anxieties to me. I think it's
just that when I assume someone is annoyed a common
(05:44):
I made. I I am just learning the skill of
like just smoothing things over in the moment and being
vulnerable and being like, oh my god, what did I say? Oh?
Who's Yeah? Like you know, like just like just like
covering your tracks as soon as possible. And then if
that person continues to be mad at you, you know
that it's not really your fault, you know, like, uh wow,
(06:06):
this is really interesting to hear you say, because it's
not something you do. I think historically you realize there's
a weird moment, and you you just retreat. You're like,
I'm out of here. Well that's the coping mechanism. Yeah,
I overdo it in the opposite direction sometimes, which is
(06:27):
I just assume people are right, and I am like
I make fun of myself and I validate their complaints,
and then years later I'm like, hey, you know what,
I think maybe they were just an asshole. Well, this
is like a realization I'm only recently having with certain people,
is like I have I will have these dynamics where
I'm like, oh, man, I did something made them mad.
(06:49):
Oh my god, I'm gonna try to fix that. I'm
in I'm at again. And then what I realized, like
when you have techniques like the smoothing things over thing
in the moment, if you're constantly putting out positive energy
to that person and they're still doing it, you're like, oh,
it's not me. They're just in a bad mood all
the time, Like, that's not my problem. Yeah, it is
(07:10):
best to if you're like, oh, there's weirdness those that
you can confidently openly just go, hey, that was weird.
I'm sorry, Then you're just denying them, denying them the
time to stew on it and to turn it into
something even bigger and their memory every time they think
of it, they rewrite the memory into a worst thing.
(07:32):
But there's a balance there because there's a difference between
casually being like, oh man, I'm sorry, did I do
something and like putting your putting it in like a
positive way versus someone who's constantly apologized and being like, hey,
I suck, I'm a bad person. I didn't shouldn't, you know,
Like there's a way you can do it. That like
drags the mood down a lot, and then people are
not gonna oh yeah, yeah, engage with that. No. My
(07:54):
my main mode is I'm gonna make everything real comfortable
for everybody to the detriment of progress. Well, while you
were away, we had a grand old time kids. They're
so not as terrible as they used to be. Yeah,
(08:19):
they fight about everything and nothing all day long like that.
Their closeness and age is really becoming I see the future,
which is just we had that. There was you know,
Indigenous People's Day on Monday, so no school, so we
had a lot of time sitting around this weekend and
they just find everything to get on each other's nerves.
(08:43):
And Brinn will like whisper really terrible things to her,
knowing she's going to cry and be upset, and I'll
come in and be like why is all this crying happening?
And then he's like what, Yeah, So they're starting to
try to play each other and maybe we'll come in
and tell on him, and I can tell that he
really didn't do anything. So I kept being an unpredictable
(09:06):
ally where she come and goes Brint hurt me and
I'm like, why are you going near him? And because
she just said it so many times, I'm like, this
has become your fault. Leave him alone. And it feels
like my dad was had a bit of that where
he's like, you know, little little siblings need to learn
(09:27):
if they get near the big one, they're gonna get pumbled.
Learn to get away. That's your philosophy. It was moment
to moment, I I have a lot of I was
talking well, I was talking to my friend who this weekend,
who was a second, second kid, and they have some
interesting family dynamics where the oldest was given a lot
(09:48):
of attention and they and like their needs were kind
of like put to the side for the older kid.
And as the middle child, I can kind of relate
to this. It's like because Brin is louder, he's the oldest,
he's used to commanding attention, and when we're like reading
books like tonight, he knows the words, he can shout
(10:11):
them out. He can shout over her and she it's
like she doesn't get a chance to learn to read,
Like she doesn't get the same attention because he's doing that.
And then I feel like I have such a like
emotional reaction on her behalf where I'm like, oh, man,
if I just keep going taking the easier out here,
it's like she gets walked all over for the rest
(10:32):
of her life. And I'll tell you that there's benefits
and there's there's downsides. You're like, just embrace your role.
I mean, she's more patient in some ways because she's
had everything taken away from her by him. This is
true of a lot of second children. I think my
you know, I'm three of four boys, my older brothers.
(10:56):
My brother Andrew, who's number two, is the most patient,
and I think he's like the the most supportive of
everyone because he grew up with that older brother just
being like no, I'm in charge, the same way brains.
But that's the problem with the middle children is that
everyone's like, see, they're so agreeable, they're doing everything right,
(11:17):
and like you, you're like, it's going great for them
because you're looking at how it affects the people around them.
You're not looking at how it affects them. Sure, you're
not like, you know, like, m hmmm, I wonder if
he should speak up for himself a little more like, Yeah, well,
it's you can't generalize it because it's super general and
(11:38):
it's ignoring all the other factors that make you you
and your behavior, and so that can be a positive trait.
It also can tip to the point where you don't
take care of yourself. Um. In my case, I was
number three where I saw this dynamic and I I
think I instinctually knew there are options, and so I'm
(11:59):
finding every everything that hasn't been tried to get attention
at all times. But you are also the baby for
like five years, so you're sort of the baby. Yeah,
I'm a little in between you. You spent the formative
part of your life mostly identifying as the baby. Well,
I'm still trying to get the attention. Yeah, everyone is,
(12:23):
but the middle child never gets it. It's true. It's true, um,
because the middle child is like, oh, the only the
role they want to put me in is I can
get attention by just being agreeable, Except it's actually backfires
that I don't get any attention. Yeah. Well, it's just you.
When you're the second child that close to the oldest child,
(12:44):
then it's like, well, I just I'm not gonna have
the attention, so I'm not gonna try to get it.
I'm gonna think and I'm going to piece things together
and be patient. Like May even is piecing things together
and she's figuring things out, and she's learning that she's
not going to get instant validation for all of those things. Um.
(13:06):
And that's you know, and there's that can be good
and that can be bad. Well, I mean, they also
just are different people of different personalities. But it's but
I do think it's worth check, like monitoring how you
treat your children and not have like a total discrepancy.
I try to have as much Maybn time we did
letters in the fridge the other day. We have these
(13:28):
new magnet letters on the fridge and maybe and I
curled up in that little nook looking at the fridge
doing all the letters. Um. And there was one of
those moments where I'm like, boy, this is a long
stretch of one on one time that she doesn't get.
And it was lovely. And then that night she asked me,
(13:49):
we've been reading Williwaki in the chocolate factory on my
phone while the lights are out, and she interrupted just
to go, Daddy, do I have owns in my butt?
And then we had a nice conversation about tailbones. That's
a good question. Do you a bone in your butt? Yeah? Weird.
(14:25):
This next segment is called did you Knows? That's where
we reference some parenting information we found on the internet.
We're going to reference it. Um So I read it
a something this week New York Times about parenting that
sort of one on one direct time with your kids,
working on skills, reading, maths. That's sort of what's the headline?
(14:49):
What's the headline? You're gonna You're gonna make me look
it up? I was, I was paraphrasing, but in intensive care,
what makes say quote unquote good parent? And I'm not
gonna get into the whole thing, but it struck me.
You know, there's a lot of pressure as parents to
(15:10):
sit down with your kids and to to go over
school skills, math and reading and all this stuff, and
a lot of times it's very easier easy to shame
parents into not putting in enough time. There's a lot
of statistics in here. The show College Educated parents put
in more time, um, the non college educated parents. But
(15:33):
the bottom line of this that I thought it was
really um interesting is I'm gonna I'm gonna read this
quote here, is that the biggest difference is between parents
who don't do any of these developmentally stimulating activities and
parents that do something, Which is why the focus on
parenting programs and interventions should be to get parents to
(15:55):
put in some minutes, not hours, on a regular basis.
What I believe is that what really matters is a
regular study habits of modest investment. And it was just
that distinction that like you might not have a ton
of time, you might not be able to do all
this putting in a few minutes regularly every day adds
(16:18):
up and it really makes a difference for kids to
have that extra time with like a little bit of
a math, a little bit of reading, and so a
modest a modest goal is important and great and sort
of that, Like I guess the point of this is
you shouldn't feel like you have to do hours of that,
(16:42):
like now we're gonna now we're gonna learn vowels, you know,
you know, mm hmm. Do you feel pressure to teach
your children things sort of I don't I can already
tell and not necessarily going to be that parent. Although
I am better at like discussing like educational stuff that's
(17:05):
of like a higher level sometimes than I am like teaching.
ABC's like I get bored. So it's nice to kind
of be like as they get older, to be a
little bit more stimulated by what they're learning. I feel
more invested in teaching them. Boy, we're a good pair
for this because you love repetition. Fucking love We got it, Like,
(17:30):
let's do some drills. You're like, let's do the addition
all your addition, Yeah, brand and math problems for fun.
I love it. We learned multiplication in McDonald's the other day.
You guys are two nerds. He figured out that's a
tough concept. You're like, you're the queen of the overstatement
(17:53):
with we learned multi multiplication. I what's three plus three?
And he's a nine? And he figured it out, and
so he has the basic concept and then I and
then I was like, okay, well then what's three? And
he goes, daddy, I'm done. And so the hardest part
for me is is knowing, Okay, I hit my limit
(18:15):
and just I got to back off immediately because I
have to follow the fun So this article I didn't
read first of all, so feel free to ignore everything
I'm saying. Second of all, I think the what concerns
me sometimes what like studies like this is that it's
(18:35):
like I'm always like, are you guys asking the right question?
Like yes, parents should be more involved, but it seems
like that's like in terms of the real world struggles
people are facing. It's like, well, some of these parents
don't speak English, so it's really hard for them to
teach their kids. Some of these parents work eighty hours
a week, you know what I mean, Like, you're it's
(18:57):
kind of like if you're if this study is meant
to tell like upper middle class white parents what to do, great,
it's applicable. If the study is meant to be informative
to like our educational system, I don't know if it is,
because it's like, maybe you guys should add in more
after school tutoring that's accessible to everyone, you know what
I mean? Like, it's this is what I always worry
(19:20):
about when I hear these kinds of like facts bandied around. Yeah,
well I this was recognizing all of that and really
what I was saying is like, um, some people have
had to five minutes a day. It is way better
than zero. And it's sort of that, Yeah, if you
(19:40):
can do five minutes, do five minutes, um. That has
there's that adds up in a significant way of for
a year. Um. So it's like making allow yourself to
for it to be a modest investment um, because yeah,
we don't all have the flexibility, uh in the time
(20:02):
to do time stables at McDonald's on Columbus Day weekend. Well,
and in the real world, a lot of people are
raised by other people who didn't have full high school education,
you know what I mean, like let alone in college.
So it's like, yeah, it's easy to telp people like
put in more effort, But then there's reality and then
sometimes their kids have learning disabilities or you know, other
(20:25):
needs that are not being addressed by the system. Yes,
and you can't. You can't. No one plan works for everybody.
So write an article about that in New York Times.
Come on, New York Times. Did you know what I
read this seven days ago? Um? I tell you what
(20:47):
do I read to our kids for too long? No?
I don't think you can do too long. I mean,
it is our bedtime too long. No, I think we
could get away with it being shorter, but at this
point they're kind of addicted to we've said it. They
try to they try to take advantage of you with
(21:10):
four books. Tonight, I got it. I said, I'm not
doing four books. We did three books. Also. You screamed
at Mommy, go to sleep, and then we turned out
the light and I read four chapters If Willy Wonka
the Chocolate Factory. That book is so good. Yeah, it's
(21:31):
a good book. I sort of wish we hadn't watched
the movie first, but that's what got Brin to agree
to read this book. Now you can read them a
Shell Silverstein book, Now I can well, I mean now
you can read it more successfully where they're paying attention
(21:53):
to it. That's true rolled all so, I, as we've mentioned,
was not a strong reader in elementary school. It was
late to the game and I hated reading. And I
almost never through college would read the whole book. Whatever
(22:14):
the assignment was, I would read enough to write the
paper or whatever. College I read moore the book. But
the one thing that I ever read elementary school on
my own was all of the rolled all books. What
was your jam in elementary school? Yeah, like you know,
(22:36):
sixth grade, I did a lot of the like you know,
Judy Bloom books that other girls were reading, and then
the like goose Bumps and Um Babysitter's Club were the
ones that you loved? Do you remember being the ones
that I loved was like goose Bumps, And I was
(22:58):
really into all of those books where like a kid
would like leave their family and just survive on their own. Hatchet,
Like yeah, like Hatchet or like the It's like a
boy boy on a mountain called the Wild or the Wolf.
And there was two books. There's one there's one fiction
(23:19):
book where a boy went up on a mountain and
he trained a peregrine falcon and he survived a one
on the mountain. There's another book that's a real true
story of this kid who accidentally got lost in the
woods and almost starved to death. And then I did
read Hatchet. And then there's a book called A Girl
Who Owned a City that I loved. I was like
this twelve. There's a disease. It's a science fiction book
(23:41):
in the future, a disease kills off everyone over the
age of twelve kids have to survive on their own.
And so kids are you know, like looting and beating
each other up and like whatever, and this one girl
is like this one girl is like hey, like the
drugstore is going to run out of time and all
one of these days we should kind of figure out
how to society and like plant some food. And she's
(24:03):
cool and the book is about her, and I was like,
I get it, Like this is not a surprise, but
it's not really telling that all of your books are
both characters that are all just get away from it all. Yeah,
just leave their family. I'll run my own goddamn city.
I don't need people your Phantom told Booth. Yeah I
(24:29):
did well, Phantom told Booth. Is a little bit triggering
for me because what I turned in. I had a
fifth grade teacher who didn't like me, and the more
the better I did in school, it felt like the
more I was like told that I was bad, Like
it was like one of the read it you don't
know this, but there it was like one of those
teachers that liked the pretty girls and she didn't like
(24:52):
the kids who were like into school, and so she
I did a book report on the Phantom Tollbooth, which
is a book that's very much about like word play,
like what's it called hominems, like where they like two
words have the same different spelling, the same sound. So
(25:13):
I so there's a character in the book that's like
the Witch, but the witch is spelled w H. I
c H because it's a word plaything, and so I did.
So I did the book report and I spelled things
correctly as they were spelled in the book, and she
marked points down and then I went up to her
and I was like, well, you took off points for
what I did right, and she was like, well, it's
(25:35):
close enough, like it doesn't matter, and she wouldn't correct it.
And I had for some reason that year, I had
a lot of instances like that, Like the assistant teacher
in that classroom, she one time a girl told on
me to her because I said elephants could swim, and
the girl told her, which they can. I had seen
(25:57):
it on TV. And this girl told on me for
telling lies. And the assistant teacher was like, hey, don't
make stuff up, and I was like, it's true that
elephants can swimp. So it was just like, you know,
middle school is not fun for me. We had very
different school experiences. Yeah. Ah, I turned on the charm
(26:22):
with teachers. Yeah, they were like, you're fun, dummy, I
love you. You wanna see my aspin tour impaction anyway, Um,
what were you saying about the pandom tolbooth in your
Lovely Childhood? Oh? I don't remember. You didn't even read it.
(26:47):
I probably didn't finish anyway. At the end, there's there's
something I forget. I'm gonna remember something really interesting, um
and bringing up in the middle of a future segment
in this episode. Get ready for it. Otherwise we're just
(27:07):
gonna sit here in silence until I remember it. So
not doing that ding ding ding the end. This next
segment is called Listeners Want to Know. It's where we
(27:29):
take questions and comments from you guys. Oh, we got
some great emails this week. Guys. I just once again
want to say genuine thank you for writing to us
and sharing. We don't get to all of them. Were
terrible at replying to things, but know that we read
every single one and really appreciate it. Um. So, as
(27:52):
we mentioned recently, Bryn is five years old and he's
still want to pull up and even last night he
soaked right through it. I had to do some wash
some sheets. So somebody wrote in UM, this is from
Jenna Gina sorry the plight of the pull up. Hi,
(28:17):
Bethan Peter, just listen to your latest pod on my
way to work today. Just wanted to let you know
that I feel your pull up pain. Our oldest, now sixteen,
was fully potty trained by three. Our second daughter, now thirteen,
was not. Pull Ups was a great easy fix to
avoid a messy problem at night the only time that
she wore them, but she was still wearing them when
(28:40):
she started sixth grade. Yes middle school. We tried pads,
we tried special underwear with alarms, we tried pills that
the doctor prescribed for special events like sleepovers. None of
it worked. She was having to go on overnight school
trips with her special secret pull up bag and a
plan on how she would changed into them at night
(29:01):
without anyone knowing, and how she would dispose of them
in the morning. It was a bit stressful for her
and us. Part of it was that I just didn't
want to deal with the wet mess every morning. Pull
Ups made it easy, although by the end she could
have changed and wash her own sheets. Anyway, we finally
(29:21):
decided to just go for it and not wear the
pull ups, and one night, about halfway through sixth grade,
guess what she hasn't uh, and guess what she hasn't
worn them since it was like the pull up was
a crutch and if it was there, she'd used it,
and once it was gone, she didn't. We really wish
that we would have done it sooner. Uh. Not that
five is necessarily the time to ditch them, but five
(29:42):
could quickly become eleven. Good luck. I hope it is
easier for you than it was for us. Love the show, Gina.
I love this email. It's like she's like sort of
chastising us, but also let her daughter wear pull ups
until sixth grade. Oh, it's perfect, perfect, Like you should
(30:03):
try this. That she did it, she's like, but also,
I don't know, because this has been my thought, and
I'm like, let's just go for it. I think that
not having the pull up, he'll just not do it.
I disagree, because he's had the pull up off recently
and he's peeked all over himself when we forgot to
(30:24):
put a pull up on. That was not reason. I mean,
like years he still soaks it with regularity that I
am not eager to give it a try. It's the
thing is I really think it's the feeling of it.
The second it's not there. Um because he he'll sleep
(30:45):
in the middle of the day, he'll sleep in the car,
he'll take naps. Yeah, but his blood is not as full.
I just need to pick a night and go for it.
I bought that plastic thing. Just throw it on the
mattress and give it a whirl. That's the thing. I've
been saying this for months. Yeah, you're like badgering me
(31:11):
about it, but you're not doing it. And I'm not
badgering you. I'm just think out loud, like I do
all things. I'm not gonna I'm not doing it. I'm
not dealing. I'm gonna do it. I'm I'm committing on
the podcast in front of everyone right now. I'm gonna
(31:31):
do it before we record next podcast. Okay, good, thank you, Brent. Well.
I mentioned this to Brandon and he doesn't want to
do it. Yeah, because he wakes up soaked every day.
He's nervous about it and he feels like he's a
(31:53):
little bit ashamed. But I make him feel fine about it.
I'm like, okay, grab this, change the sheets. Here's that
because when we do go for it, I don't want
it to be so loaded figuratively and literally. Yeah, it
shouldn't be. How's that jet lag treating me up? So sleepy? Okay,
(32:19):
I've I've been feeling like, boy, I got shut up.
I'm talking too much of this podcast Your Time to Shine,
Baby Beth is jet lagged and tired. So you know
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna read one more email, um,
maybe one, maybe two? Right for this? This one comes
to us from Jenna. Oh my gosh, I got a
(32:42):
Gina and a Jenna, Hi, Bes and Peter. I'm a
little behind on the podcast. How dare you just kidding?
So I'm not sorry? UM, so, I'm sorry if you
have already gotten similar message just many times. Um a
couple of months of go. But I wanted to let
you know we have done about phones and phone numbers.
(33:04):
I was just thinking about this today. Does brand even
know what a phone number is? We have three boys
six nine eleven when are older? Two were about your
kid's age. We had a couple of scary experiences where
they got lost in the botanical gardens near our house.
No big deal in the end, but it did freak
us out, and we decided that we needed to have
(33:25):
a plan in case they got lost in the future,
so we had them memorized my phone number. Our oldest
learned it within a couple of months, but the three
year old took probably about a year before he had
it down with the area code and everything. We also
had a baby at the time, and we just worked
with him as soon as he got old enough. Then
we taught them that if they ever got lost, they
(33:47):
should find a mother with it with children and tell
her that they are lost, but they know their mom's
phone number and should uh and could she please help
them call their mom. Now they all know the script
by heart, and we make them practice before going to
crowded places like an amusement park. And no one has
ever gotten lost, of course, but he gives this piece
(34:08):
of mind. On the phone slash landline thing are older
to do stay home by themselves, and we don't have
a landline and they don't have cell phones, but each
have an echo dot in their rooms which they can
use to call us when they are in the house.
I hope this helps Jenna. That's interesting. Um, that will definitely.
(34:33):
Can you call people through this our HomePod? These are
good questions. I don't know. Um. I started singing a
song in the car the other day when I dropped
off Britt, and then I was thinking about this, and
so then I just started singing to maybe and I
forget what it was, but it was like Daddy's phone number.
(34:54):
Daddy's number is seven blad bladda da da da da
da da. I'm not gonna give you my phone number.
I almost almost just did. And I tried to make
it as funny and catchy as possible, and may even
started grooving, and I was like, this is it. This
is how I'm just gonna repeat this song in the
car like every morning for a month. Like you're like
(35:16):
one eight hundred cars for kids? Your number eight hundred
five eight two three hundred Empire? I think did you
have Empire commercials? Yeah? It was a big Chicago land
area thing. We also had Canopy Lake Park. Um, you
(35:38):
didn't have that. That's not a phone number at all
we had. Well, now I'm just doing jingles. Do you
want phone number? Every kid begins with k um right
now a minute? Go ahead, It's interesting the advice of
(36:00):
telling kids to look for a mom or a woman,
which is good advice, also just sad that decade after decade,
we can't trust men to do anything. The reality is
you probably find asking any adult that you're not terrified
to ask for help with kids. Kids can tell who
(36:24):
seems to instinctually, who seems to be dangerous, and who's not.
But if you need to make a safe bet, yes,
a woman with children, she's probably a little more is fine.
I mean, any woman with kids. I mean, just a
dad who's in the park with a bunch of kids
is going to be fine too. I mean, you're just
(36:46):
assuming he's a dad. You think he's just collecting kids
in the park, and the kids are like it sounds suspicious, Um,
what the hell is dad doing here? It's funny that,
like we we thought about the idea of getting a landline,
which economically doesn't make sense for us, But we live
in an apartment building and our kids can get out
(37:07):
into the hallway if they had an emergency here. The
landline doesn't help. Maven defiantly left the apartment the other day.
Um and I rushed out into the hallway and she
was standing there anticipating me coming out there, like with
her defiant face. Yeah, And I was like, okay, this
(37:30):
is an important I it's my duty to make this
girl cry. So she and I wasn't mean, but I
was very out there, and I grabbed her and I
closed the door and I brought her in and I
sat her down and I looked her right in the
face and I was like, you do not go outside,
and she I put her in her bed and I
(37:51):
closed the door, and then I heard the longest, saddest
and it was so pathetic and sad. But I was like,
she needs to never do that again. Um, And I
was like, it's such a great reminder that it's so
(38:13):
important that I don't show that aggression, that like emotional
thing to her unless it really matters. When your kid
tries to run into the street, you need to scare
them to not do that again. But if you do
that when they don't put on their shoes, then you've
lost that having any power. So it was a good
(38:38):
moment and that she was really scared. I realized like, Okay,
I don't overdo this, right, don't yell your kids until
you need to. I didn't even yell. I just brought
an intense seriousness that made her know that this was business.
You're here for one more email? Yes, so I got
(39:01):
this email on my birthday, uh now day after my birthday,
but this was your birthday present? Is that what you're
trying to say? So this is gonna sound shitty and ungrateful,
but saying happy birthday on Facebook? I have an irrational
(39:28):
reaction to it, which is I hate it if you
just say happy birthday, Peter, that should only be a
positive thing, right, Oh, somebody took one second tory a
happy birthday, but just how insanely impersonal it is, I
would rather it had never happened. Now I know that
(39:51):
there are people listening to this who have wished me
a happy birthday on Facebook. Thank you. It is thoughtful,
but there's something about it that I cannot But you
know what you You know what I did is I
turned off my I turned off the feature where it
says my birthday because I was I would get like
all these birthday wishes and it's sort of flattering, but
(40:13):
then it's not. It ultimately felt like an empty gesture
because I was, like, these are the people I'm close to,
Like I need to go, you know, celebrate with my friends.
Not that I have anything against these people, but I
was just like, this is we like, not it's a
meaningful birthday for Facebook to go, Hey, do you want
(40:33):
to say happy birthday this person? And in that moment
you're like, yeah, sure, happy birthday. It's it's not you
can't criticize somebody for doing that, but I think they
do mean it in a nice way. It's just it
makes me feel lonely. And you had just left town
and I was like, I'm fine, I'm not sad that
you don't have birthday. Did you also hate my Instagram
(40:54):
happy birthday? But no, that was the best. That was
the exact opposite where it was thoughtful and it made
me very happy. Um, it's not that. It's not the
public part of it. It's the if you had texted
that to me, I would have maybe even liked it more.
Uh No, No, it's the it's somebody if you want
(41:19):
something genuine not yeah okay, um okay, So after a
thousand happy birthday messages on Facebook that inadvertently made me
feel alone and hollow, you felt like a fame whore.
That's what you're saying. I hate it, forget this email.
(41:40):
Proud of you both. Hi, Bethan Peter. I've been a
listener since the beginning and I just wanted to validate
something you were talking about it this week's episode growth.
The work you've put both put into yourselves and your
relationship shows in your podcast, in your tones of voice
and the way you both tell stories. Now, it's no
(42:00):
easy feat to change the way you react to triggers
and recurring situations. I speak from experience when I say
it's an ongoing project and you should both be proud
of how far you've come as people, partners and parents
who can model that for your kids. Great fucking job
you two. Keep up the good work. EXO Smitty mhm.
(42:23):
This was such a lovely email to get. She was
so nice. Okay, and so here's the extra part of it.
One that's just like it's like, oh, you know, feel
validated and listened to and spoke to something that, yes,
we've put a lot of time and energy into working on,
(42:45):
and it's hard to notice that things have changed when
you're in the moment um. So thank you for a
nice subjective outside perspective. But also, two days before I
was in the studio for Story Pirates, and we were
recording an episode in which there was a character named
Smitty who is like a coach or super encouraging. You
(43:10):
could do it, Sig Freed, you gotta get out there
and use it. He's Sig Freed is in a competition
to be the best compliment er. I'm spoiling the season, sorry,
and Smitty is there to let him know that he
can do it, that he can be positive and say
positive things to people. And then I got this email
(43:32):
from Smitty. That's synchronicity me that I had learned how
to be kind. You know what's funny I had when
I was in the mountains with the moms this weekend.
We had a lot of weird synchronicity moments like that
because we had we were all synked up. Actually, it
was a full moon, so genuinely a ton of people
(43:53):
are getting their periods. It was like very powerful mountain
moon energy going on. But so but we would like, um,
we would be standing like you know, we knew a
bunch of people there and be like, I wonder where
d went, And then she'd like walk through the door
right towards us. And it's like that that kind of
thing happened like five times. We're like, this is amazing. Um,
(44:19):
so that was my favorite birthday present? Was was that email?
And uh? Because you didn't get any other birthday present,
because I didn't get any birthday present. That's what I'm
trying to say. Uh, And so thank you, Smitty. I'm
going to picture you as the grizzled old coach that
(44:41):
story parts has portrayed, even though I just want long
term listeners to be reminded that I got you a
very good um anniversary present in August two months ago
and that this week kind of took overcame me And
I think part of part of marriage is phoning it
in once in a while. You do not need to
defend yourself. We're not big gifts people. We've talked about
(45:06):
this as a huge thing of relief, I think from
both of us when we both acknowledged that gifts are
not our love language. Also just I don't think you
can do a great gift every time because it was
not sustainable. And this is what we're talking about. I
don't want anything unless it's unless it's thoughtful. I phone
(45:29):
it in for you sometimes and sometimes I try a
little harder. I think we we know what the score
is and we appropriately balance it. So yeah, I don't
that's that you don't You coming home to me is
all the gift things? Thank you? Well, that's gonna do
(45:49):
it for us this week. We're late. We're gonna cut
it a little short. Beth is jet lagged. If you
would like to reach out to validate us and make
us feel great about ourselves, to please do so in
the form of rating us on iTunes. Yeah. I don't
think anyone did a hashtag big booty, big Booty Daddy review.
(46:11):
Just do review us. Rate us on iTunes hashtag growth um.
Interpret that as you will and uh. You can email
us at we knows Pod at gmail dot com. If
you have anything to share, you can leave us a
voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven three
(46:33):
nine six. You find us on the social media's Twitter, Instagram,
on Facebook and we knows pod um. Oh my gosh,
you guys. We'll see you back next week the regular
scheduled time. We'll catch up. We love you, goodbye,
Hello, and welcome to We Knows Parenting in the House
that newel. We're a day late, guys, Sorry, we're late.
Sorry we're late. Beth had to be in California and
take the Red Eyeback. How was the Red Eye? Um?
It was good in the sense that I slept for
most of it. It was bad in the sense that
(00:34):
it was Yeah, I've thrown up twice after getting off
of Red Eye. I can't do it. I can't do it.
I won't do it. I'm just so tired. I don't
even like and I don't know at this point. It's
I don't know. It's not from lack of sleep, it's
just from jet lag. It's just like my body is like,
(00:54):
where am I what's happening? Yeah, well, yeah, you shouldn't.
You shouldn't be Well, it's the it's the Red Eye.
It's in l A. It's being awake time still, that's
for sure time zones. Am I right? Am? I right?
I was supposed to go do um harassment sexual harassment
(01:18):
training for one of my jobs this morning, and I
missed it because you were harassing someone. I was too
busy sexually harassing somebody. Not don't joke about that. Um,
what if you? I was just cool with it with
with me, like you know, you're harassing anyway. That would
be out of character for you in every single way.
(01:40):
But I thought you would be able to take the
kids to school. I didn't think about it, and you
weren't even back by the time I saw the kids
to school. No, so I missed it. Noon't said anything.
Are you blaming me? And then the rest of my
day easier knowing I had to miss it. But I'm
have to take an online course continue believing sexual harassments. Okay, yeah,
(02:06):
I'm I'm still I'm not sold. I'm not sold yet.
Um yeah. So I was out of sound all weekend
hanging out with some moms from my mom group of
moms something like that, and this really just started from
a Facebook group. Yeah, it's a Facebook group of moms.
And they hosted a retreat in Big Bear, California, and
(02:27):
at like a summer camp type place, and it was
wonderful and it was like, it's kind of like Mom's
gone wild, except that you know, moms don't go that wild,
like they're catching up on naps, and like moms go
wild and catch up on naps, it's like an ice
walk in the wood. It was great, Like, well, everyone
had their own version of wild. So like for some
people they were like, I'm going to party all night,
(02:48):
and other people they were like, I'm going to read
in my bunk bed. What is the age range of
this mom group? Um, it's moms, so it's mom aged.
I would say that that could be twenty two to
a D and two. Well, okay, so it's largely Los
Angeles based moms, which means that the excuse older for moms,
(03:12):
which means like I would say average age of like
forty three. You mean moms who currently have children in
their house. Yeah, people who are like looking for compassion
and mom advice and a shoulder to cry. Oh did
you find that for yourself in Big Bear? Yeah? I
(03:34):
mean it was just fun. It was just fun to
see friends and people and hang out and be outside
and not have kids near us. You have a rich
digital life, I do, well, I don't. We don't have
friends who live in close proximity to us. Our closest
friends are still an hour drive away. It's true, and
(03:57):
that's where I was this weekend. Yeah, that's it's just
you gotta make your own community and a digital age. Um.
I spent the weekend talking about this because I don't
like people to be around me as much as I
(04:18):
it seems like I do. You spent the weekend talking
about how you don't like people, about how I'm nervous
social social anxiety, it's too much work, and that I'm
the big revelation, um realization, rather that I'm very introverted
because I'm very performative. I'm very ha ha ha. I
(04:38):
gotta give, gotta give all my energy to the world.
I never asked people questions because I'm too scared of
asking the wrong questions. So I just make myself comfortable
by talking about myself because I'm in control of the
social moment if I do that. But it leads to
obviously an unbalanced social exchange where I have not learned
anything about you, and I feel guilty about it, and
now I just want to go home and be alone
(05:01):
and just tell you about it. Yeah. Um, I have
a different kind of social anxiety where that doesn't manifest
us talking about myself, not stuff I think sometimes maybe
I don't know. I think we are. We are surprisingly
similar in some respects in terms of like we do
(05:22):
need to get away and be alone. But we respond
to the social moments very differently. Well, I spent most
of the wee can hang out with my friend who
is much more comfortable in social situations than me, and
I feel like I'm learning a lot from her because she, like,
she has actually similar anxieties to me. I think it's
just that when I assume someone is annoyed a common
(05:44):
I made. I I am just learning the skill of
like just smoothing things over in the moment and being
vulnerable and being like, oh my god, what did I say? Oh?
Who's Yeah? Like you know, like just like just like
covering your tracks as soon as possible. And then if
that person continues to be mad at you, you know
that it's not really your fault, you know, like, uh wow,
(06:06):
this is really interesting to hear you say, because it's
not something you do. I think historically you realize there's
a weird moment, and you you just retreat. You're like,
I'm out of here. Well that's the coping mechanism. Yeah,
I overdo it in the opposite direction sometimes, which is
(06:27):
I just assume people are right, and I am like
I make fun of myself and I validate their complaints,
and then years later I'm like, hey, you know what,
I think maybe they were just an asshole. Well, this
is like a realization I'm only recently having with certain people,
is like I have I will have these dynamics where
I'm like, oh, man, I did something made them mad.
(06:49):
Oh my god, I'm gonna try to fix that. I'm
in I'm at again. And then what I realized, like
when you have techniques like the smoothing things over thing
in the moment, if you're constantly putting out positive energy
to that person and they're still doing it, you're like, oh,
it's not me. They're just in a bad mood all
the time, Like, that's not my problem. Yeah, it is
(07:10):
best to if you're like, oh, there's weirdness those that
you can confidently openly just go, hey, that was weird.
I'm sorry, Then you're just denying them, denying them the
time to stew on it and to turn it into
something even bigger and their memory every time they think
of it, they rewrite the memory into a worst thing.
(07:32):
But there's a balance there because there's a difference between
casually being like, oh man, I'm sorry, did I do
something and like putting your putting it in like a
positive way versus someone who's constantly apologized and being like, hey,
I suck, I'm a bad person. I didn't shouldn't, you know,
Like there's a way you can do it. That like
drags the mood down a lot, and then people are
not gonna oh yeah, yeah, engage with that. No. My
(07:54):
my main mode is I'm gonna make everything real comfortable
for everybody to the detriment of progress. Well, while you
were away, we had a grand old time kids. They're
so not as terrible as they used to be. Yeah,
(08:19):
they fight about everything and nothing all day long like that.
Their closeness and age is really becoming I see the future,
which is just we had that. There was you know,
Indigenous People's Day on Monday, so no school, so we
had a lot of time sitting around this weekend and
they just find everything to get on each other's nerves.
(08:43):
And Brinn will like whisper really terrible things to her,
knowing she's going to cry and be upset, and I'll
come in and be like why is all this crying happening?
And then he's like what, Yeah, So they're starting to
try to play each other and maybe we'll come in
and tell on him, and I can tell that he
really didn't do anything. So I kept being an unpredictable
(09:06):
ally where she come and goes Brint hurt me and
I'm like, why are you going near him? And because
she just said it so many times, I'm like, this
has become your fault. Leave him alone. And it feels
like my dad was had a bit of that where
he's like, you know, little little siblings need to learn
(09:27):
if they get near the big one, they're gonna get pumbled.
Learn to get away. That's your philosophy. It was moment
to moment, I I have a lot of I was
talking well, I was talking to my friend who this weekend,
who was a second, second kid, and they have some
interesting family dynamics where the oldest was given a lot
(09:48):
of attention and they and like their needs were kind
of like put to the side for the older kid.
And as the middle child, I can kind of relate
to this. It's like because Brin is louder, he's the oldest,
he's used to commanding attention, and when we're like reading
books like tonight, he knows the words, he can shout
(10:11):
them out. He can shout over her and she it's
like she doesn't get a chance to learn to read,
Like she doesn't get the same attention because he's doing that.
And then I feel like I have such a like
emotional reaction on her behalf where I'm like, oh, man,
if I just keep going taking the easier out here,
it's like she gets walked all over for the rest
(10:32):
of her life. And I'll tell you that there's benefits
and there's there's downsides. You're like, just embrace your role.
I mean, she's more patient in some ways because she's
had everything taken away from her by him. This is
true of a lot of second children. I think my
you know, I'm three of four boys, my older brothers.
(10:56):
My brother Andrew, who's number two, is the most patient,
and I think he's like the the most supportive of
everyone because he grew up with that older brother just
being like no, I'm in charge, the same way brains.
But that's the problem with the middle children is that
everyone's like, see, they're so agreeable, they're doing everything right,
(11:17):
and like you, you're like, it's going great for them
because you're looking at how it affects the people around them.
You're not looking at how it affects them. Sure, you're
not like, you know, like, m hmmm, I wonder if
he should speak up for himself a little more like, Yeah, well,
it's you can't generalize it because it's super general and
(11:38):
it's ignoring all the other factors that make you you
and your behavior, and so that can be a positive trait.
It also can tip to the point where you don't
take care of yourself. Um. In my case, I was
number three where I saw this dynamic and I I
think I instinctually knew there are options, and so I'm
(11:59):
finding every everything that hasn't been tried to get attention
at all times. But you are also the baby for
like five years, so you're sort of the baby. Yeah,
I'm a little in between you. You spent the formative
part of your life mostly identifying as the baby. Well,
I'm still trying to get the attention. Yeah, everyone is,
(12:23):
but the middle child never gets it. It's true. It's true, um,
because the middle child is like, oh, the only the
role they want to put me in is I can
get attention by just being agreeable, Except it's actually backfires
that I don't get any attention. Yeah. Well, it's just you.
When you're the second child that close to the oldest child,
(12:44):
then it's like, well, I just I'm not gonna have
the attention, so I'm not gonna try to get it.
I'm gonna think and I'm going to piece things together
and be patient. Like May even is piecing things together
and she's figuring things out, and she's learning that she's
not going to get instant validation for all of those things. Um.
(13:06):
And that's you know, and there's that can be good
and that can be bad. Well, I mean, they also
just are different people of different personalities. But it's but
I do think it's worth check, like monitoring how you
treat your children and not have like a total discrepancy.
I try to have as much Maybn time we did
letters in the fridge the other day. We have these
(13:28):
new magnet letters on the fridge and maybe and I
curled up in that little nook looking at the fridge
doing all the letters. Um. And there was one of
those moments where I'm like, boy, this is a long
stretch of one on one time that she doesn't get.
And it was lovely. And then that night she asked me,
(13:49):
we've been reading Williwaki in the chocolate factory on my
phone while the lights are out, and she interrupted just
to go, Daddy, do I have owns in my butt?
And then we had a nice conversation about tailbones. That's
a good question. Do you a bone in your butt? Yeah? Weird.
(14:25):
This next segment is called did you Knows? That's where
we reference some parenting information we found on the internet.
We're going to reference it. Um So I read it
a something this week New York Times about parenting that
sort of one on one direct time with your kids,
working on skills, reading, maths. That's sort of what's the headline?
(14:49):
What's the headline? You're gonna You're gonna make me look
it up? I was, I was paraphrasing, but in intensive care,
what makes say quote unquote good parent? And I'm not
gonna get into the whole thing, but it struck me.
You know, there's a lot of pressure as parents to
(15:10):
sit down with your kids and to to go over
school skills, math and reading and all this stuff, and
a lot of times it's very easier easy to shame
parents into not putting in enough time. There's a lot
of statistics in here. The show College Educated parents put
in more time, um, the non college educated parents. But
(15:33):
the bottom line of this that I thought it was
really um interesting is I'm gonna I'm gonna read this
quote here, is that the biggest difference is between parents
who don't do any of these developmentally stimulating activities and
parents that do something, Which is why the focus on
parenting programs and interventions should be to get parents to
(15:55):
put in some minutes, not hours, on a regular basis.
What I believe is that what really matters is a
regular study habits of modest investment. And it was just
that distinction that like you might not have a ton
of time, you might not be able to do all
this putting in a few minutes regularly every day adds
(16:18):
up and it really makes a difference for kids to
have that extra time with like a little bit of
a math, a little bit of reading, and so a
modest a modest goal is important and great and sort
of that, Like I guess the point of this is
you shouldn't feel like you have to do hours of that,
(16:42):
like now we're gonna now we're gonna learn vowels, you know,
you know, mm hmm. Do you feel pressure to teach
your children things sort of I don't I can already
tell and not necessarily going to be that parent. Although
I am better at like discussing like educational stuff that's
(17:05):
of like a higher level sometimes than I am like teaching.
ABC's like I get bored. So it's nice to kind
of be like as they get older, to be a
little bit more stimulated by what they're learning. I feel
more invested in teaching them. Boy, we're a good pair
for this because you love repetition. Fucking love We got it, Like,
(17:30):
let's do some drills. You're like, let's do the addition
all your addition, Yeah, brand and math problems for fun.
I love it. We learned multiplication in McDonald's the other day.
You guys are two nerds. He figured out that's a
tough concept. You're like, you're the queen of the overstatement
(17:53):
with we learned multi multiplication. I what's three plus three?
And he's a nine? And he figured it out, and
so he has the basic concept and then I and
then I was like, okay, well then what's three? And
he goes, daddy, I'm done. And so the hardest part
for me is is knowing, Okay, I hit my limit
(18:15):
and just I got to back off immediately because I
have to follow the fun So this article I didn't
read first of all, so feel free to ignore everything
I'm saying. Second of all, I think the what concerns
me sometimes what like studies like this is that it's
(18:35):
like I'm always like, are you guys asking the right question?
Like yes, parents should be more involved, but it seems
like that's like in terms of the real world struggles
people are facing. It's like, well, some of these parents
don't speak English, so it's really hard for them to
teach their kids. Some of these parents work eighty hours
a week, you know what I mean, Like, you're it's
(18:57):
kind of like if you're if this study is meant
to tell like upper middle class white parents what to do, great,
it's applicable. If the study is meant to be informative
to like our educational system, I don't know if it is,
because it's like, maybe you guys should add in more
after school tutoring that's accessible to everyone, you know what
I mean? Like, it's this is what I always worry
(19:20):
about when I hear these kinds of like facts bandied around. Yeah,
well I this was recognizing all of that and really
what I was saying is like, um, some people have
had to five minutes a day. It is way better
than zero. And it's sort of that, Yeah, if you
(19:40):
can do five minutes, do five minutes, um. That has
there's that adds up in a significant way of for
a year. Um. So it's like making allow yourself to
for it to be a modest investment um, because yeah,
we don't all have the flexibility, uh in the time
(20:02):
to do time stables at McDonald's on Columbus Day weekend. Well,
and in the real world, a lot of people are
raised by other people who didn't have full high school education,
you know what I mean, like let alone in college.
So it's like, yeah, it's easy to telp people like
put in more effort, But then there's reality and then
sometimes their kids have learning disabilities or you know, other
(20:25):
needs that are not being addressed by the system. Yes,
and you can't. You can't. No one plan works for everybody.
So write an article about that in New York Times.
Come on, New York Times. Did you know what I
read this seven days ago? Um? I tell you what
(20:47):
do I read to our kids for too long? No?
I don't think you can do too long. I mean,
it is our bedtime too long. No, I think we
could get away with it being shorter, but at this
point they're kind of addicted to we've said it. They
try to they try to take advantage of you with
(21:10):
four books. Tonight, I got it. I said, I'm not
doing four books. We did three books. Also. You screamed
at Mommy, go to sleep, and then we turned out
the light and I read four chapters If Willy Wonka
the Chocolate Factory. That book is so good. Yeah, it's
(21:31):
a good book. I sort of wish we hadn't watched
the movie first, but that's what got Brin to agree
to read this book. Now you can read them a
Shell Silverstein book, Now I can well, I mean now
you can read it more successfully where they're paying attention
(21:53):
to it. That's true rolled all so, I, as we've mentioned,
was not a strong reader in elementary school. It was
late to the game and I hated reading. And I
almost never through college would read the whole book. Whatever
(22:14):
the assignment was, I would read enough to write the
paper or whatever. College I read moore the book. But
the one thing that I ever read elementary school on
my own was all of the rolled all books. What
was your jam in elementary school? Yeah, like you know,
(22:36):
sixth grade, I did a lot of the like you know,
Judy Bloom books that other girls were reading, and then
the like goose Bumps and Um Babysitter's Club were the
ones that you loved? Do you remember being the ones
that I loved was like goose Bumps, And I was
(22:58):
really into all of those books where like a kid
would like leave their family and just survive on their own. Hatchet,
Like yeah, like Hatchet or like the It's like a
boy boy on a mountain called the Wild or the Wolf.
And there was two books. There's one there's one fiction
(23:19):
book where a boy went up on a mountain and
he trained a peregrine falcon and he survived a one
on the mountain. There's another book that's a real true
story of this kid who accidentally got lost in the
woods and almost starved to death. And then I did
read Hatchet. And then there's a book called A Girl
Who Owned a City that I loved. I was like
this twelve. There's a disease. It's a science fiction book
(23:41):
in the future, a disease kills off everyone over the
age of twelve kids have to survive on their own.
And so kids are you know, like looting and beating
each other up and like whatever, and this one girl
is like this one girl is like hey, like the
drugstore is going to run out of time and all
one of these days we should kind of figure out
how to society and like plant some food. And she's
(24:03):
cool and the book is about her, and I was like,
I get it, Like this is not a surprise, but
it's not really telling that all of your books are
both characters that are all just get away from it all. Yeah,
just leave their family. I'll run my own goddamn city.
I don't need people your Phantom told Booth. Yeah I
(24:29):
did well, Phantom told Booth. Is a little bit triggering
for me because what I turned in. I had a
fifth grade teacher who didn't like me, and the more
the better I did in school, it felt like the
more I was like told that I was bad, Like
it was like one of the read it you don't
know this, but there it was like one of those
teachers that liked the pretty girls and she didn't like
(24:52):
the kids who were like into school, and so she
I did a book report on the Phantom Tollbooth, which
is a book that's very much about like word play,
like what's it called hominems, like where they like two
words have the same different spelling, the same sound. So
(25:13):
I so there's a character in the book that's like
the Witch, but the witch is spelled w H. I
c H because it's a word plaything, and so I did.
So I did the book report and I spelled things
correctly as they were spelled in the book, and she
marked points down and then I went up to her
and I was like, well, you took off points for
what I did right, and she was like, well, it's
(25:35):
close enough, like it doesn't matter, and she wouldn't correct it.
And I had for some reason that year, I had
a lot of instances like that, Like the assistant teacher
in that classroom, she one time a girl told on
me to her because I said elephants could swim, and
the girl told her, which they can. I had seen
(25:57):
it on TV. And this girl told on me for
telling lies. And the assistant teacher was like, hey, don't
make stuff up, and I was like, it's true that
elephants can swimp. So it was just like, you know,
middle school is not fun for me. We had very
different school experiences. Yeah. Ah, I turned on the charm
(26:22):
with teachers. Yeah, they were like, you're fun, dummy, I
love you. You wanna see my aspin tour impaction anyway, Um,
what were you saying about the pandom tolbooth in your
Lovely Childhood? Oh? I don't remember. You didn't even read it.
(26:47):
I probably didn't finish anyway. At the end, there's there's
something I forget. I'm gonna remember something really interesting, um
and bringing up in the middle of a future segment
in this episode. Get ready for it. Otherwise we're just
(27:07):
gonna sit here in silence until I remember it. So
not doing that ding ding ding the end. This next
segment is called Listeners Want to Know. It's where we
(27:29):
take questions and comments from you guys. Oh, we got
some great emails this week. Guys. I just once again
want to say genuine thank you for writing to us
and sharing. We don't get to all of them. Were
terrible at replying to things, but know that we read
every single one and really appreciate it. Um. So, as
(27:52):
we mentioned recently, Bryn is five years old and he's
still want to pull up and even last night he
soaked right through it. I had to do some wash
some sheets. So somebody wrote in UM, this is from
Jenna Gina sorry the plight of the pull up. Hi,
(28:17):
Bethan Peter, just listen to your latest pod on my
way to work today. Just wanted to let you know
that I feel your pull up pain. Our oldest, now sixteen,
was fully potty trained by three. Our second daughter, now thirteen,
was not. Pull Ups was a great easy fix to
avoid a messy problem at night the only time that
she wore them, but she was still wearing them when
(28:40):
she started sixth grade. Yes middle school. We tried pads,
we tried special underwear with alarms, we tried pills that
the doctor prescribed for special events like sleepovers. None of
it worked. She was having to go on overnight school
trips with her special secret pull up bag and a
plan on how she would changed into them at night
(29:01):
without anyone knowing, and how she would dispose of them
in the morning. It was a bit stressful for her
and us. Part of it was that I just didn't
want to deal with the wet mess every morning. Pull
Ups made it easy, although by the end she could
have changed and wash her own sheets. Anyway, we finally
(29:21):
decided to just go for it and not wear the
pull ups, and one night, about halfway through sixth grade,
guess what she hasn't uh, and guess what she hasn't
worn them since it was like the pull up was
a crutch and if it was there, she'd used it,
and once it was gone, she didn't. We really wish
that we would have done it sooner. Uh. Not that
five is necessarily the time to ditch them, but five
(29:42):
could quickly become eleven. Good luck. I hope it is
easier for you than it was for us. Love the show, Gina.
I love this email. It's like she's like sort of
chastising us, but also let her daughter wear pull ups
until sixth grade. Oh, it's perfect, perfect, Like you should
(30:03):
try this. That she did it, she's like, but also,
I don't know, because this has been my thought, and
I'm like, let's just go for it. I think that
not having the pull up, he'll just not do it.
I disagree, because he's had the pull up off recently
and he's peeked all over himself when we forgot to
(30:24):
put a pull up on. That was not reason. I mean,
like years he still soaks it with regularity that I
am not eager to give it a try. It's the
thing is I really think it's the feeling of it.
The second it's not there. Um because he he'll sleep
(30:45):
in the middle of the day, he'll sleep in the car,
he'll take naps. Yeah, but his blood is not as full.
I just need to pick a night and go for it.
I bought that plastic thing. Just throw it on the
mattress and give it a whirl. That's the thing. I've
been saying this for months. Yeah, you're like badgering me
(31:11):
about it, but you're not doing it. And I'm not
badgering you. I'm just think out loud, like I do
all things. I'm not gonna I'm not doing it. I'm
not dealing. I'm gonna do it. I'm I'm committing on
the podcast in front of everyone right now. I'm gonna
(31:31):
do it before we record next podcast. Okay, good, thank you, Brent. Well.
I mentioned this to Brandon and he doesn't want to
do it. Yeah, because he wakes up soaked every day.
He's nervous about it and he feels like he's a
(31:53):
little bit ashamed. But I make him feel fine about it.
I'm like, okay, grab this, change the sheets. Here's that
because when we do go for it, I don't want
it to be so loaded figuratively and literally. Yeah, it
shouldn't be. How's that jet lag treating me up? So sleepy? Okay,
(32:19):
I've I've been feeling like, boy, I got shut up.
I'm talking too much of this podcast Your Time to Shine,
Baby Beth is jet lagged and tired. So you know
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna read one more email, um,
maybe one, maybe two? Right for this? This one comes
to us from Jenna. Oh my gosh, I got a
(32:42):
Gina and a Jenna, Hi, Bes and Peter. I'm a
little behind on the podcast. How dare you just kidding?
So I'm not sorry? UM, so, I'm sorry if you
have already gotten similar message just many times. Um a
couple of months of go. But I wanted to let
you know we have done about phones and phone numbers.
(33:04):
I was just thinking about this today. Does brand even
know what a phone number is? We have three boys
six nine eleven when are older? Two were about your
kid's age. We had a couple of scary experiences where
they got lost in the botanical gardens near our house.
No big deal in the end, but it did freak
us out, and we decided that we needed to have
(33:25):
a plan in case they got lost in the future,
so we had them memorized my phone number. Our oldest
learned it within a couple of months, but the three
year old took probably about a year before he had
it down with the area code and everything. We also
had a baby at the time, and we just worked
with him as soon as he got old enough. Then
we taught them that if they ever got lost, they
(33:47):
should find a mother with it with children and tell
her that they are lost, but they know their mom's
phone number and should uh and could she please help
them call their mom. Now they all know the script
by heart, and we make them practice before going to
crowded places like an amusement park. And no one has
ever gotten lost, of course, but he gives this piece
(34:08):
of mind. On the phone slash landline thing are older
to do stay home by themselves, and we don't have
a landline and they don't have cell phones, but each
have an echo dot in their rooms which they can
use to call us when they are in the house.
I hope this helps Jenna. That's interesting. Um, that will definitely.
(34:33):
Can you call people through this our HomePod? These are
good questions. I don't know. Um. I started singing a
song in the car the other day when I dropped
off Britt, and then I was thinking about this, and
so then I just started singing to maybe and I
forget what it was, but it was like Daddy's phone number.
(34:54):
Daddy's number is seven blad bladda da da da da
da da. I'm not gonna give you my phone number.
I almost almost just did. And I tried to make
it as funny and catchy as possible, and may even
started grooving, and I was like, this is it. This
is how I'm just gonna repeat this song in the
car like every morning for a month. Like you're like
(35:16):
one eight hundred cars for kids? Your number eight hundred
five eight two three hundred Empire? I think did you
have Empire commercials? Yeah? It was a big Chicago land
area thing. We also had Canopy Lake Park. Um, you
(35:38):
didn't have that. That's not a phone number at all
we had. Well, now I'm just doing jingles. Do you
want phone number? Every kid begins with k um right
now a minute? Go ahead, It's interesting the advice of
(36:00):
telling kids to look for a mom or a woman,
which is good advice, also just sad that decade after decade,
we can't trust men to do anything. The reality is
you probably find asking any adult that you're not terrified
to ask for help with kids. Kids can tell who
(36:24):
seems to instinctually, who seems to be dangerous, and who's not.
But if you need to make a safe bet, yes,
a woman with children, she's probably a little more is fine.
I mean, any woman with kids. I mean, just a
dad who's in the park with a bunch of kids
is going to be fine too. I mean, you're just
(36:46):
assuming he's a dad. You think he's just collecting kids
in the park, and the kids are like it sounds suspicious, Um,
what the hell is dad doing here? It's funny that,
like we we thought about the idea of getting a landline,
which economically doesn't make sense for us, But we live
in an apartment building and our kids can get out
(37:07):
into the hallway if they had an emergency here. The
landline doesn't help. Maven defiantly left the apartment the other day.
Um and I rushed out into the hallway and she
was standing there anticipating me coming out there, like with
her defiant face. Yeah, And I was like, okay, this
(37:30):
is an important I it's my duty to make this
girl cry. So she and I wasn't mean, but I
was very out there, and I grabbed her and I
closed the door and I brought her in and I
sat her down and I looked her right in the
face and I was like, you do not go outside,
and she I put her in her bed and I
(37:51):
closed the door, and then I heard the longest, saddest
and it was so pathetic and sad. But I was like,
she needs to never do that again. Um, And I
was like, it's such a great reminder that it's so
(38:13):
important that I don't show that aggression, that like emotional
thing to her unless it really matters. When your kid
tries to run into the street, you need to scare
them to not do that again. But if you do
that when they don't put on their shoes, then you've
lost that having any power. So it was a good
(38:38):
moment and that she was really scared. I realized like, Okay,
I don't overdo this, right, don't yell your kids until
you need to. I didn't even yell. I just brought
an intense seriousness that made her know that this was business.
You're here for one more email? Yes, so I got
(39:01):
this email on my birthday, uh now day after my birthday,
but this was your birthday present? Is that what you're
trying to say? So this is gonna sound shitty and ungrateful,
but saying happy birthday on Facebook? I have an irrational
(39:28):
reaction to it, which is I hate it if you
just say happy birthday, Peter, that should only be a
positive thing, right, Oh, somebody took one second tory a
happy birthday, but just how insanely impersonal it is, I
would rather it had never happened. Now I know that
(39:51):
there are people listening to this who have wished me
a happy birthday on Facebook. Thank you. It is thoughtful,
but there's something about it that I cannot But you
know what you You know what I did is I
turned off my I turned off the feature where it
says my birthday because I was I would get like
all these birthday wishes and it's sort of flattering, but
(40:13):
then it's not. It ultimately felt like an empty gesture
because I was, like, these are the people I'm close to,
Like I need to go, you know, celebrate with my friends.
Not that I have anything against these people, but I
was just like, this is we like, not it's a
meaningful birthday for Facebook to go, Hey, do you want
(40:33):
to say happy birthday this person? And in that moment
you're like, yeah, sure, happy birthday. It's it's not you
can't criticize somebody for doing that, but I think they
do mean it in a nice way. It's just it
makes me feel lonely. And you had just left town
and I was like, I'm fine, I'm not sad that
you don't have birthday. Did you also hate my Instagram
(40:54):
happy birthday? But no, that was the best. That was
the exact opposite where it was thoughtful and it made
me very happy. Um, it's not that. It's not the
public part of it. It's the if you had texted
that to me, I would have maybe even liked it more.
Uh No, No, it's the it's somebody if you want
(41:19):
something genuine not yeah okay, um okay, So after a
thousand happy birthday messages on Facebook that inadvertently made me
feel alone and hollow, you felt like a fame whore.
That's what you're saying. I hate it, forget this email.
(41:40):
Proud of you both. Hi, Bethan Peter. I've been a
listener since the beginning and I just wanted to validate
something you were talking about it this week's episode growth.
The work you've put both put into yourselves and your
relationship shows in your podcast, in your tones of voice
and the way you both tell stories. Now, it's no
(42:00):
easy feat to change the way you react to triggers
and recurring situations. I speak from experience when I say
it's an ongoing project and you should both be proud
of how far you've come as people, partners and parents
who can model that for your kids. Great fucking job
you two. Keep up the good work. EXO Smitty mhm.
(42:23):
This was such a lovely email to get. She was
so nice. Okay, and so here's the extra part of it.
One that's just like it's like, oh, you know, feel
validated and listened to and spoke to something that, yes,
we've put a lot of time and energy into working on,
(42:45):
and it's hard to notice that things have changed when
you're in the moment um. So thank you for a
nice subjective outside perspective. But also, two days before I
was in the studio for Story Pirates, and we were
recording an episode in which there was a character named
Smitty who is like a coach or super encouraging. You
(43:10):
could do it, Sig Freed, you gotta get out there
and use it. He's Sig Freed is in a competition
to be the best compliment er. I'm spoiling the season, sorry,
and Smitty is there to let him know that he
can do it, that he can be positive and say
positive things to people. And then I got this email
(43:32):
from Smitty. That's synchronicity me that I had learned how
to be kind. You know what's funny I had when
I was in the mountains with the moms this weekend.
We had a lot of weird synchronicity moments like that
because we had we were all synked up. Actually, it
was a full moon, so genuinely a ton of people
(43:53):
are getting their periods. It was like very powerful mountain
moon energy going on. But so but we would like, um,
we would be standing like you know, we knew a
bunch of people there and be like, I wonder where
d went, And then she'd like walk through the door
right towards us. And it's like that that kind of
thing happened like five times. We're like, this is amazing. Um,
(44:19):
so that was my favorite birthday present? Was was that email?
And uh? Because you didn't get any other birthday present,
because I didn't get any birthday present. That's what I'm
trying to say. Uh, And so thank you, Smitty. I'm
going to picture you as the grizzled old coach that
(44:41):
story parts has portrayed, even though I just want long
term listeners to be reminded that I got you a
very good um anniversary present in August two months ago
and that this week kind of took overcame me And
I think part of part of marriage is phoning it
in once in a while. You do not need to
defend yourself. We're not big gifts people. We've talked about
(45:06):
this as a huge thing of relief, I think from
both of us when we both acknowledged that gifts are
not our love language. Also just I don't think you
can do a great gift every time because it was
not sustainable. And this is what we're talking about. I
don't want anything unless it's unless it's thoughtful. I phone
(45:29):
it in for you sometimes and sometimes I try a
little harder. I think we we know what the score
is and we appropriately balance it. So yeah, I don't
that's that you don't You coming home to me is
all the gift things? Thank you? Well, that's gonna do
(45:49):
it for us this week. We're late. We're gonna cut
it a little short. Beth is jet lagged. If you
would like to reach out to validate us and make
us feel great about ourselves, to please do so in
the form of rating us on iTunes. Yeah. I don't
think anyone did a hashtag big booty, big Booty Daddy review.
(46:11):
Just do review us. Rate us on iTunes hashtag growth um.
Interpret that as you will and uh. You can email
us at we knows Pod at gmail dot com. If
you have anything to share, you can leave us a
voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven three
(46:33):
nine six. You find us on the social media's Twitter, Instagram,
on Facebook and we knows pod um. Oh my gosh,
you guys. We'll see you back next week the regular
scheduled time. We'll catch up. We love you, goodbye,
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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