May 15, 2018 • 39 mins
Comedians Peter and Beth introduce themselves and discuss the science behind why little girls love pink. Beth describes getting in a car accident with the kids in the car and the two discuss Peter’s mom’s parenting philosophy of “it’s when they don’t cry that you should be worried.”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
I got hello, and welcome to We Knows Parenting. I'm
Beth Newell, editor and co founder of the satirical women's
magazine Reductress, and I'm Peter McNerney, actor, improviser and also
her husband. We are real life married couple and parents.
We have two children, a three year old boy named
(00:29):
Brit and a one month old girl named Maven. We
Know His Parenting is the parenting podcast where we compare
notes on our week uh in parenting and try to
figure out what we do and don't know about how
to raise our children. Yeah. Quick disclaimer, We're not experts,
were just parents who are trying to do it. Uh, Beth,
(00:53):
I keep telling this story wrong, So why don't you
for our first episode tell our fine listeners why the
podcast is called what it's called. It's going to be
a recurring theme of this podcast that I call you
out on misremembering stories. I will confidently misremember stories, Yeah,
and I'll confidently correct you. It's so uh. The inspiration
(01:16):
for the name of the podcast came from our son, Bryn,
who when he was younger he's now three. When he
was maybe two, he would do something bad like climb
onto the table or throw food on the floor and
then I would ask him why he was doing that
and he would say, we know, yeah, and that was
just his way of saying like, don't worry about it.
(01:38):
I'm just being bad. We all know this is fun
for me, Like, we know, we knows what's going on.
Let's let's move past it. We know as I'm challenging
boundaries and um, so there you're gonna hear we knows
in every segment title and it's uh, it's going to
get annoying, but we're never going to stop because we've
committed to something. And just like parenting, you make a
(01:59):
choice and you with it and you don't know if
it's right. But we made a choice, let's stick with it.
We had kids, and we're going to keep having them. Yeah,
I mean nothing that we're going to continue to have
the ones we have. Yeah, a full disclaimer. Having children
was not a choice. A great thing that happened. I
think it was a choice. Okay, well at least the
(02:22):
timing the choice, Like, yeah, the we would like kids,
but when they happened, I would not call it choice. Okay,
So well, the pregnant was not a choice. Remaining pregnant
was a joy. We should just call this this this
podcast is pro choice. Oh yeah, um, yes, that's true. Okay, sorry,
(02:46):
we're gonna rerecord. The new name of the podcast is
what We're um so, Beth, We're gonna start this episode
in all our episodes with a real quick I'm still
suck on. Whoopsie Dip is like a Victorian podcast, but
it's like a very risky satirical podcast in Victorian era.
(03:10):
Whoopsie doopsy, very underground. Whoopsie Depsy is pregnant. Now she'll
go to the country. Um, okay, sorry, what are you saying. Uh,
We're going to start this episode the way we will
all of them with it just a quick recap of
the week in Parenting, Beth, how is your week? What happens? So? Uh,
(03:32):
this week is a little weird for us, but this
is a common occurrence where I you went out of
town for a week, and then I went out of
town for a week, and we sort of traded parenting.
And this is a common theme of the show where
we have to then come back and compare notes on
our solo parenting adventures because we're never in the same
(03:53):
room unless we're doing this ought to be to be fair,
I'm doing this podcast to force my help to see
my wife, and it's a great it's a great idea.
Otherwise I will never see her, especially since we got
two Apple TVs in two different rooms. But that's the
type of thing to talk about. We don't hate each
other as much as it sounds like we just are busy.
(04:15):
Like many of probably our listeners, we just missed our
alone time more. It's true, I enjoy hanging out with
me At the end of a long parenting tea. I
don't know what to talk about constant attention. Okay, So
so you were out of town. I was in Orlando,
and so I'm going to talk about that week, which
(04:37):
is UM. It's always exhausting, but it's not as exhausting
as maybe. I think the last time that happened, which
was when I was pre surgery, and Maybe and I
both had fevers and she fell off the bed and
then I was um scolded by daycare for not getting
a doctor's note for her UM, but I was There's
a lot going on back then. Anyway, this this time,
(04:59):
we did better. UM. The kids were UM pretty good
towards the beginning of the week, and then towards the
end of the week, Bryn just decided that he doesn't
want to ride in the car anywhere, and he sort
of just puts our life on hold at his own whim.
And then on Thursday, my mom came to help out
(05:21):
after I had been doing the thing alone for a
few days, and I was going to get Brant out
of the car outside of our building, and he did
his usual thing where he undid his seatbelt jumped into
the front seat of the car, so I have to
chase him. And right as that was happening, a car
drove by and hit the door I was standing next to,
(05:43):
luckily away from me and open door, the open backseat
door where I was about to get my son out
of the car. This car hit it and nearly ripped
it off of the car, which was terrifying. And it
was already a heightened mood because Britain knows that I
hate him trying to escape from me and all these
car antics. So he we were both already a little
(06:07):
bit like on edge, like okay, let's just get out
of this car, and then this happened, and I said
something like Jesus Christ, and so that terrified brand because
our car is like crunching, and his mom is like, uh,
freaking out, which is I don't think something he sees
me do a lot, unless being that scarier than anything
(06:29):
else is seeing your parents freak out. So then some
of that happened. Luckily, I was totally fine. I didn't
get hit by the door or anything. I was simultaneously
like freaked out and also like just incredibly relief that
I hadn't like pulled brand out of the car and
into an oncoming car. Um. So it was like one
(06:50):
of those moments where you're like not as upset as
you think you're going to be, even though someone kind
of just wrecked your car, because you're just like, wow,
thank god, that wasn't that in perspective. Yeah, so um.
Then luckily my mom had just arrived, so she came
outside and took the kids in, who were now kind
of like freaking out, like crying a little bit, because
(07:11):
they just picked up on the anxiety of the whole thing,
even though it was all fine and and it was
like a weird um moment where you want to make
it a lesson for Britan about like not jumping away
from you, but at the same time that's like maybe
what saved his life, you don't know, so you're just
sort of like, how do I react to this? And
he was sort of like, and he's not going to
(07:34):
remember that, like what is attached to what? Right? But
it was funny because my mom was there, and she
doesn't because she doesn't spend her day to day with
a three year old, she doesn't fully understand like his
level of conceptualizing a situation. So she was sort of like, Brin,
you have to pay attention to traffic and hold hands
(07:55):
and cars are dangerous, and like she was lecturing him
in a way that he like didn't understand what's happening.
And it also happened five minutes ago, and in three
year old world, five minutes ago was was eternity and
she and then she would simultaneously say that, and then
she would say it's not your fault, it's not your fault.
So he had no idea what's going on. And because
(08:16):
my mom was having a serious tone, may even just
kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's been big into
apologizing this week, and I don't think she totally gets it.
Last night and she says I'm sorry, So sweetly like smiling,
you can't help but go it's okay. I'm constantly worried
(08:38):
that we're like putting too much pressure on her as
a girl. Like I'm like, why is she already apologizing?
You don't have to anyway, Um, I have a weird thing.
I don't. I don't probably don't think about that nearly
as much as you do, because it's your profession and
you're a woman. But I thinkeeme aware of my mom
facetimes with them, and my mom keep is calling me
(09:00):
even pretty because she's got her braids. He's like, are
you pretty, girl? And I'm like, don't do that. I
don't even I don't want to even think about the concept.
I mean, I agree with you, but I also call
her pretty sometimes because I want I can tell she
likes the braids and it's excited, so I want to
let her be excited about her new style. Yeah, I
(09:21):
am too, but I not consciously. But I realized hearing
other people that I completely avoid saying that she is
beautiful and pretty. I shower her with compliments, and I
think that's a good impulse. But I also think, like
you don't have to police it to aggressive, just like,
your braids are awesome. But boy, I let let them
pick out their clothes this week, and she's gone, She's
(09:44):
gone full pink. You know, she's had almost entirely her
brother's clothes growing up, but now there's pink. She finds it. Yeah,
she's really into white. Weirdly, she always wants her white clothes,
white and pink, which actually lead us perfectly into our
next segment. This next segment is called did You Knows Is?
(10:05):
This is a segment where Peter learns and shares a
parenting or child related flat fact via the internet. Peter,
what's your fact? I just want to clarify that for
this segment, um, there will be very little research. There
will be no double checking these facts or the sources
from which I get them. In fact, this first one
is something I heard from a person, So I encourage
(10:27):
you to double check it. You're not going to You're
gonna tell somebody else this fact. But that's how our
society works. Yeah, you can angrily correct us online, and
we think that that's going to be actually a really
big aspect of this podcast is that, uh and yeah,
you tell us what we're doing wrong? And podcast is
(10:48):
called we knows, but we don't know. So this is
a fact I heard from a friend. Uh, apparently little
girls eyeballs are built differently. Is that creepy? How I
said that is that doesn't sound really factual when you
intro sentence with little girl's eyeballs. Little girl's eyeballs different
(11:12):
the little boys eyeballs. We're talking science, we're talking to eyeballs.
If you're talking science, we're talking eyeballs. It's the it's
the coolest part of human body except for the brain
and probably other things. About little girl's eyeballs, there's cones,
you know what. I don't know what the cones are,
what they do, but they're in there. Rods and cones.
(11:32):
Rods are like black and white and cones or color.
There you go, that makes sense given the fact I'm
about to say the cones which perceive color are different
little girls and little boys. And for girls, uh, they
perceive pink much stronger than little boys, and they can
pick it out and they are drawn to it because
they literally see that color differently the little boys. And
(11:55):
having a little boy and a little girl, I would
say this is a thousand percent true because we've you know,
we have not gone out of our way to get
like little girl clothes and things, but as relatives have
slowly started buying clothes from Maven, boy, she you pull
out a pink shirt and her eyes light up, and
that's the one you want. And I'm letting her choose
(12:16):
her clothes like I'm getting them dressed every morning, and
the easiest way to get the dressed these days is
to go, hey, what do you want to Let's look
in the drawer, and Mayven wants pure white, gold and pink.
I pulled out white socks today though, and she goes,
I don't want. She likes to just be contradictory like
(12:37):
all toddlers and just be like, no socks, socks, pink socks, pink. Yeah. Um,
But this is so we should sort of disclaimer this
that I think what you're saying is true science wise,
but it's not all kids, because I definitely know people
whose boys love pink. So it's a little bit of
(12:58):
like a cultural it's a nature and nurture thing. But yes,
but I think there is, but like any nature, that's
not an absolute for all kids. Obviously, there's there's gay people,
There's We've done a lot of research do you guys
know there's gay people, which is a different There's a
(13:20):
gay eyeballs and straight eyeballs. You know what? As two
huge fans of Queer Eye because that's why the show
is called Queer Eye because their eyes they have toes
you've ever seen. I don't have gay cones. I could
use some gay cones. That's why I want to be
on that show. Do you want to talk about how
(13:43):
you really want to be on that show? Oh? I
just said it. Here's a great example of me just
saying something before I thought about it. Of course I
would love to be on that show. But you I
think similar to me, like you want to hang out
on that show, but you don't necessarily want someone to
come into your life and be like, what is this
garbage life? Right? Because they come there the idea of
(14:05):
the shows, they come in, I'm garbage enough to be
on the show. We all want to believe that. I
think they you know, they come in and they're like, Wow,
your house is a mess, your face is a mess,
your clothes are a mess. They would just shave off
my beard and then they'd be like, this was a mistake.
(14:27):
That is one of my problems with the show as
someone who likes beards and hair on men is like
they're almost always going to take it all off. It's
the most dramatic and yeah, they want a dramatic change.
And I'm not saying it looks bad in the end.
It's just as someone who enjoys a good beard, It's like,
can some people have beards? Well, you know, I don't
think you know what. I stand by the I don't
(14:50):
think very off topic. We should have queer eye, baby,
any quek queer eye for the We're not labeling her
yet baby. Um okay, let's get back to parents. Oh
this started because I said gay eyes. This next segment
(15:10):
is called we don't Know, we don't know, we don't uh.
This is a segment where we share our most defeating
or perplexing parenting moment of the week. Peter, what's your
we don't know this moment? This has become a recurring theme,
which is how much I can ignore the signs that
(15:32):
my kids are sick so that I can still send
them to daycare. Right, Because if you can't get them
to daycare, you can't do anything with your day. You
can't work, you can't breathe, so you know full disclosure.
I know that when a child is sick, the last
thing you should do is take them to daycare to
(15:54):
get other kid. Yeah, we know we're not some that's
like a number one daycare, but I also need to
get work done. Everyone at daycare is always sick, you
know what, It makes them stronger after they're recovering from
being sick. They all just a snotty little cesspools. So
(16:16):
we're all We've been sick quote unquote sick for like
four months now. Yeah, sometimes undeniably sick. Other times. Am
I so consistently sick as I have the last month
and a half? Well it perfectly corresponds to when they
started going to daycare well and also its pointer. Yeah,
so now it's just like I feel like Britain never
(16:38):
got thick. We had we had a babysitter for Brian. Yeah,
we didn't get sick ever, and then daycare no surprise.
But I also think not to be like aggressively pro breastfeeding.
But when I was still breastfeeding the kids, I feel
like we would get sick at the same time and
were used to being so aggressive. I don't want to
be a like a formula sham er. I'm there's a
(17:00):
lot of um parenting mom baggage that you're not aware
of because you are not a woman and you've not
been constantly shamed for your whole life. So I'm married
to you, so I have a little bit. So I
think as women were all very sensitive about our decisions
to do certain things like breastfeed, so because you get
changed no matter what you do. So anyway, when I
(17:22):
was breastfeeding them, I felt like I would get a cold,
they would get a cold, but like they were getting
the antibodies through me. Once I started getting better, and
then because they were nursing, it was kind of like
they would just be like comforted through it. I feel
like they didn't get as sick they were. I don't
know anyway. Now, so maybe I've been waking up once
(17:46):
an hour just to like go give her her pacifier
and it's not terrible, but she's just like whiny and
she's sort of pulling on her ear, like is this
congestion or is this an ear infection? And I think
times like these, when I've again been sick for a
little literal month and a half, it's hard for me
to empathize with other sick people, it's like, you're fine,
(18:06):
we're all sick, go to sleep. Yeah, Well, as the
one who's been getting up, I get in there. I
just started talking to her because I found it's easier
to get her back to sleep just to like wake
her up and then put her back to sleep. So
I'm walking in there, I'm like, maybe you're fine. Maybe
what is this? What that? Yeah? She does some lately
she's had a lot of wake ups, and I think
(18:27):
she's teething, and then she'll have like these freakouts where
she's like half asleep and just crying, and like the
only thing you can do is like take her out
of there and like, yeah, wake her up, let her
watch some t V or something so she takes her
mind off of it. Oh, I don't go that far.
I don't touch that TV. But if she's really freaking out, sure,
(18:48):
that's that's that's that's when you're just like, that's not
what's happening to her. Sometimes you have to just calm
her down, and the only way to do that is
to get her fully awake and be like it's okay. Yeah,
I'm like, hey, hi, look look at distraction. Everything is
just a distraction. I'm sure this is not like good parenting.
Oh no, no, no, again, we should go to urgent care.
(19:09):
But she is like a week ago, she had a
fever for an hour, like she woke up from a
nap and she was a two and I was like,
oh great, I gotta take her. And then four five
minutes later it was gone and she hasn't had a
fever since. And I think that's teething. And so we're
not telling daycare about it. Well, I should have a
daycare today. And uh, the head of daycare, who's a
(19:32):
wonderful woman, was like, you know, maybe she wasn't eating
very much yesterday and she was her pulling on her
ear and I was I pulled the full ignorance card,
like what she eats so much last night? But this
is also like classic second Kids stuff, where when if
it was just Bran, we would have been like, oh
(19:53):
my god, someone's gonna gonna do something. But I'm like,
she doesn't have a fever. Don't If you have a fever,
I'll take you. It might be an ear che it
might be teething. I think it might just be congestion.
Because very non alarmist about things, because you're one of
four kids, and your mom if one of you was
(20:15):
bleeding from the nose, she would go get her camera
to take a picture of it. Classic and mcnerney's story,
although my favorite still is something she said to you
after Brent fell and hit his head in the fireplace.
I think it was that time. Oh, I was still
in the process of walking over to see the damage,
and she said, it's when they don't cry that you
should worry. Yeah, she's not worried at all, even though
(20:38):
her sons fell off a chair into a stone fireplace.
You know what, though, I really stand by that general sentiment.
It's when they're not crying that you really should worry.
I mean, it's true, but it's a funny thing to
say when her son just fell face first into a
fireplace and we still have yet to see how badly
he's hurt. Yeah, that's definitely the difference between because like,
(21:01):
when I see them fall down, instantly, I'm like, Okay,
this is not broken, like we've had fight. No, she's
not wrong, but the latest the most reason of this
was you We're watching the kids right before I got home,
and then Nathan fell over in her chair and the
chair fell onto her foot, and then she was limping
(21:23):
around the apartment. Not even limping. She refused to walk,
which was very weird because I would hide from her
in one room and it's incredibly rare that she does
not come find me. And she was like, my foot
hurts too much to walk. I'm not going to do
what true, And I was not alarmed by this because
I know what that feeling is when you tweak your foot.
It's not a break because I, first of all, I
(21:45):
also had half an hour with her before you came home,
where I examined this foot, and so I more quickly
than you. I'm like, this is okay. But I also
had more time. So you got home and I was
ready to leave because yeah, you were like, oh, um,
our daughter can't walk. I gotta go do a show
by And I was like, wait, do I have to
take our kid to the emergency rooms? Like no, you
can't just leave me with two kids. You're not going
(22:06):
an emergency room if one kid can't walk. In my defense,
I was right, But in your defense, you didn't have
the time to process it the way I did, and
you also need more time than okay, watched her for
like half an hour and she was still refusing to walk. Sure,
I watched her walk and I saw you sub but
we see different things. I'm like, yeah, she tweaked her foot,
(22:30):
it hurts, she doesn't want to walk on it. That
doesn't mean it's broken me after the hospital, it's not
that kind of change, like wincing in pain every time
she put her Anyway, she's fine. Our daughter is fine.
We never take her to the doctor. She's at daycare
right now. Actually, before I took her in, I was like, oh,
you've got gross gunk in your eyes. I'm gonna wipe
that out so the daycare doesn't see and then send
(22:51):
them off. Another thing I feel like we frequently do
is take our kids to take care without brushing their hair,
or like wiping the drool and it's not off their face,
or give them a back for a week. Brin refused
to take a bath. For one bath a week is fine?
Mean yeah, and I like lessing that happened. Our kids
aren't like running marathons, and we've wiped the peanut butter
(23:11):
off their faces occasionally. Most of it it is like
I get to dake because I said the alarm for
seven I roll out of bed. I immediately throw them
in close into the car and meant daycare by seven
thirty if all goes well. And it's when I get
there and I go into the back seat to pull
them out, I look at their faces for the first
(23:32):
time and that's like, oh, Maven, do a thumblich And
then I take them in and then I go back
to the car. And every morning I sit down and
look at myself in the rear view mirror, and I
look like a homeless person. Yeah, I have that too,
because you it's if they get distracted in the morning
by any like quest for food or milk or anything
(23:52):
on the way out the door, then anything, it will
add a whole hour or your morning where you're not
getting to your own life and your own shower. So
you just need to like power through and show the
day care like a hideous monster. Take my children sick,
ignore that their hair hasn't brushed. Yeah, the last three
days I pick up Mayben and she's got beautifully braided
(24:14):
hair and pigtails. And I was like, Oh, one of
these women must love to do that, or I've just
been dropping them off with nasty hair. I mean, I
do have a lot of weird guilt about the braining
because I like that they're doing it, but I do
worry as a mom that they're like, why are they
not grooming these children at all? You know what? I
don't care? All right, So we're gonna move on to
(24:36):
our next section was very exciting, which is we're going
to hear from some people that are much more interesting
than us, our children. This next segment is called what
do They Knows? And this is where we ask our
children questions to see what they're thinking. Hey, Brita, did
(25:00):
you have a good day at school today? What did
you do? I just paid with Pierre Louis pure Louis. Yeah?
Is that a person? His name is Pierre Louis? Yeah?
What does he say? Yes to me? To play great? Maybe?
(25:22):
Did you get braids in your hair today? Yes? Maybe?
Did you go to the doctor today? Yeah? She doesn't
like you. Oh, thanks for clarifying that, Brent, Maven doesn't
(25:42):
like you. That makes me sad. Why doesn't she like me? Becauys,
She says, that's a good indicator that she's not fond
of me right now. Did may even go to the
doctor today? Why? Because she was sick and she wanted
a lollipop to eat it? So you think part of
(26:05):
going to the doctors because she wanted a lollipop. Oh yeah,
did she get a lollipop? Um? Um, down to to
to my food. Oh, I want me to interview the food. Yeah. Food.
Do you like being mac and cheese? Yes? Oh? Why
(26:26):
do you like being mac and cheese? Because we got
to get and Brins com Oh is there a party
in Brin's tummy? Yeah? What kind of party? What do
they do at the party? Our babies? Your babies are
in Brin's tummy having a party. Yeah, that's weird. Mac
(26:47):
and cheese? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. And this
is our brother that is a guana mac and cheese.
You have a brother who's an iguana? Yeah, I'm a
gwater because I have a fork tale Oh so your
fork is an iguana? Who is the brother to the
(27:09):
mac and cheese? Yeah? Yeah? What do you go on?
His name? Um? How CagA? Howikaga? Yeah, it's really nice
to meet you. How kaga? How are you good? Hey?
Brand I have a question to ask you. Um, do
you know how the sun works? Like? What what tell
(27:33):
me about the sun? Like shines down? It shines down? Yeah?
When when is it shine down after the moon comes up?
Where does the sun go at night? Um? At bed time?
At bedtime? At bedtime, it goes away? Right, Where does
(27:56):
it go? It goes down on the mountains and through
good tunnel and that's how we get to the big
yells kitten. Oh, it goes through a tunnel and goes
to a big yellow station in the nighttime. I had
no idea. That's amazing. So where does the moon go
during the day? It goes around the crocodile? Right, Oh,
(28:19):
the moon goes around the crocodile like okay. And to
the Moon and Sun, are they friends? Yeah? What do
they say to each other? They say yes, just yes,
no matter what does the Sun ever ask the moon questions?
What does the Sun asked the moon? How depla? Because
(28:42):
they don't have because they don't have hands. He says, hey, Moon,
I don't know how to play because we don't have hands.
And the Moon said no, And then they don't play no,
because you can't play without hands. You're wiggling a lot,
do you suco potty? Should we go right now? Alright?
(29:04):
Good interview? High five? Anything you want? Anything you want
to stay before we go? What what do you want
to say? Okay, you're here here for first folks. That's
our exclusive interview with Brandon Maven. Do you have anything
to add? No, she doesn't like me. All right, goodbye.
(29:32):
This next segment is called would you Knows What to Do?
This is where we posit a hypothetical parenting situation to
one another and discuss how we would handle it. Beth,
you look like you have one for me. Okay, here's
your hypothetical situation. You are alone with the children, picking
them up from daycare. You realize you have no food
(29:52):
at home, and you decide a regular Monday. Yeah, you
decide that you're going to try to get food into
these kids as fast as possible by stopping at the
smash Burger on the way home, which is I wouldn't
do that, but okay, it's playing with fire, but it
feels in the moment like the fastest way to feed
your children. So I've clearly forgotten that there's a McDonald's
(30:16):
drive in nearby. Here, this is the pathetically you're at Smashburger. Okay,
so you've gotten two kids out of the car. You're
taken to squirming uh not very big children into the
smash burger. They're very excited and you're instantly overwhelmed. You
finally get the food, sit them down, and they're showering
(30:39):
hot food into their mouths. You're trying not to get
them to burn themselves. It sounds successful so far. Yeah,
you're turning from one kid to another, trying to make
sure they don't burn themselves. Finally, um may even shoves
a huge piece of chicken finger into her mouth and
starts gagging on it. She's not in danger, but she
does trigger a gag reflex that makes vomit up all
(31:00):
onto her shirt, which um then somehow gets onto Brin
as you're sitting next to each other. Yeah, okay, so
then he seizes his moment of opportunity while you're focused
on trying to clean this up and grab napkins and everything,
and he sort of just wanders away from the table
to go talk to strangers. Um, so now you have
(31:24):
one vomit covered child to attend to in her chair,
but she's also sort of like screaming around, and then
another child who's maybe thirty feet away from you, lightly
covered in vomit, and he's interacting with strangers. Okay, are
giving you strange looks. Okay, here's my here's what I
would title my strategy for this situation, full retreat. Um.
(31:50):
I would abandon all clean up. Your kids have barely
finished eating this. They barely started eating this. There's something
at home all they'll have white rice sitting in the
back of the cupboard. Uh. But yeah, this is a
bunch of napkins. Bump, bump ump, throw it into the
thing and then it's This is the big question is
(32:14):
will Burn cooperate because pulling him away from his food? No,
he won't. Okay, then I want to see to food,
but he also wants to eat it standing at another
table while staring into the eyes of strangers. Okay, I
grabbed Bryn. If he screams full fireman, carry over the shoulder.
(32:34):
Maybe will probably walk because she's a little shell shocked
from the vomit. I assume, so how she behaving in
order to do this, You're not going to have time
to do the full vomit cleanup. Oh I know. Yeah, No,
this is the last called full retreat. Right, grab him
over the shoulder, I grab her hand. Hopefully she walks.
If not, I'm ready to pick them both up and
(32:57):
I go straight for the door. I make zero icon
tech with anyone leave the strategy because I usually would
give people apologetic pleading looks. Uh no, this is why
I will try to smile and be like this is funny, right.
This is why it's a full retreat. You have a
(33:18):
very strong flight response. Oh when there's social awkwardness. No,
in my scenario, uh, I have space. And so I'm
running away into the car. There's vomit on me because
I'm just gonna press her against me and we're going
to get home. So screaming kids and vomit, and not
(33:39):
only are strangers giving you word looks, but their kids
are giving you word It looks like seven year olds
that are like, whoa, what's up with those kids? Well,
the solution afterwards is we go home, and hopefully going
home is relatively normal. There's no way it is. Yeah,
Well then I worst case scenario, I carry them both
and I'm uh angry for the last piece of it
(34:04):
is simple, which is I will never go to Smash
Burger ever. Again, there was no joke in any of
that answer. That is what I would do. So, I mean,
that's your current strategy is you'll never take them anywhere
with with just one parent. Boy, have I done that? No?
(34:25):
You are much braver than I am. Well, because otherwise
I feel like they're just doing the same thing to
me at home and I'm alone, and it's like at
least someone cooked the food, you know, I think they
are less clinging to me. I'm at home. I'm I'm
the master of this domain. I can handle whatever they
(34:47):
throw at me because they don't throw it at you.
It's people watching. I don't go to the store because
there are people watching. I don't go to the restaurant
because people watching. Ever go to the store. I mean,
if I go to the store by myself, I'm still
in the mode of nobody look at me. I'm not
going to give you a reason to look at me. Okay,
(35:11):
So you'll never take your children anywhere until they We'll
not go when there seven. That was a joke when
maybe a little older. When I mean I would right
now if I had to, if I had to take
in the store, and I would, but I don't have to.
I'll just start of great, alright, Beth, I have a
(35:34):
hypothetical situation for you. Okay, you're on the subway. God
knows why we don't live in the city anymore. But
you're on the subway with Bryn. I think I'm with
maybe with something we never do but we should do
all the time. Separate our kids. Are you saying we
should divorce and it just each take one? Please have
(35:58):
full custody of our favorite child. Um, that's all jokes.
That's all jokes. Listeners, we're doing great. Yeah, you should
subscribe to our other podcast. That's all jokes. I'll think
about the premise of what that is later. All right,
(36:18):
you're on the subway with Bryan. It's very crowded. There
is This is a little bit of a cliche, but
I've because I've heard this before, but there is um
a homeless person. They're looking pretty rough, but they're not
like insane crazy, It's it's just noticeable. Oh, that's a
(36:38):
homeless person. Bryn starts asking you very loud questions of ah,
what is that? Who is that man? Is like the
most offensive sort of language, Why is that? Why is
that man so stinky? Why does that man have those here?
(36:59):
The questions why that man have those garbage bags? I
would say, I think I'd just be honest, I'd be
like to carry his stuff. He's just he's got to
carry stuff around. I don't. I mean, he is a
homeless man listening. Everyone around is listening to your answer. Yes,
so I just like trying to keep cool and be like, okay, well,
(37:20):
let's role play. Okay, I'm brand. Why does that man
have those garbage bags? That's how he carries his stuff around?
Why doesn't he have a bag like Daddy's bag, like
Daddy's backpack, Daddy's special bag. Yeah, Daddy's special special backpack
that he yells at me when I jump on. Um.
(37:41):
You know, he has uh different things and he has
to carry a lot of stuff around because he doesn't
have a home like Daddy, so he's gonna carry all
his stuff. He's a big bag. How do you know
he doesn't have a home because he smells terrible? But
I smelled her, well, I haven't taking a bathroom two weeks, Brand,
(38:04):
you need to take a bath to night? What are
you yelling? We're going home? I would just yeah, so
mostly and I would just escalate it, make a huge scene. Alright, Great,
I think that we figured some stuff out here. Thank
(38:29):
you all so much for listening. Before we go, we
want to let you know that in future episodes, we're
gonna be answering your burning parenting questions. If you'd like
to reach out you have questions, you can let us
know at we knows Pod at gmail dot com or
on our Twitter account at we knows pod on Twitter.
(38:50):
Hit us up with your questions corrections. I'm sure you've
got a lot of correction more factual info about gay eyeball.
So much for listening until next week. I'm Peter McNair me,
I'm Beth Nowell. Can we know who's parenting? Mhm
I got hello, and welcome to We Knows Parenting. I'm
Beth Newell, editor and co founder of the satirical women's
magazine Reductress, and I'm Peter McNerney, actor, improviser and also
her husband. We are real life married couple and parents.
We have two children, a three year old boy named
(00:29):
Brit and a one month old girl named Maven. We
Know His Parenting is the parenting podcast where we compare
notes on our week uh in parenting and try to
figure out what we do and don't know about how
to raise our children. Yeah. Quick disclaimer, We're not experts,
were just parents who are trying to do it. Uh, Beth,
(00:53):
I keep telling this story wrong, So why don't you
for our first episode tell our fine listeners why the
podcast is called what it's called. It's going to be
a recurring theme of this podcast that I call you
out on misremembering stories. I will confidently misremember stories, Yeah,
and I'll confidently correct you. It's so uh. The inspiration
(01:16):
for the name of the podcast came from our son, Bryn,
who when he was younger he's now three. When he
was maybe two, he would do something bad like climb
onto the table or throw food on the floor and
then I would ask him why he was doing that
and he would say, we know, yeah, and that was
just his way of saying like, don't worry about it.
(01:38):
I'm just being bad. We all know this is fun
for me, Like, we know, we knows what's going on.
Let's let's move past it. We know as I'm challenging
boundaries and um, so there you're gonna hear we knows
in every segment title and it's uh, it's going to
get annoying, but we're never going to stop because we've
committed to something. And just like parenting, you make a
(01:59):
choice and you with it and you don't know if
it's right. But we made a choice, let's stick with it.
We had kids, and we're going to keep having them. Yeah,
I mean nothing that we're going to continue to have
the ones we have. Yeah, a full disclaimer. Having children
was not a choice. A great thing that happened. I
think it was a choice. Okay, well at least the
(02:22):
timing the choice, Like, yeah, the we would like kids,
but when they happened, I would not call it choice. Okay,
So well, the pregnant was not a choice. Remaining pregnant
was a joy. We should just call this this this
podcast is pro choice. Oh yeah, um, yes, that's true. Okay, sorry,
(02:46):
we're gonna rerecord. The new name of the podcast is
what We're um so, Beth, We're gonna start this episode
in all our episodes with a real quick I'm still
suck on. Whoopsie Dip is like a Victorian podcast, but
it's like a very risky satirical podcast in Victorian era.
(03:10):
Whoopsie doopsy, very underground. Whoopsie Depsy is pregnant. Now she'll
go to the country. Um, okay, sorry, what are you saying. Uh,
We're going to start this episode the way we will
all of them with it just a quick recap of
the week in Parenting, Beth, how is your week? What happens? So? Uh,
(03:32):
this week is a little weird for us, but this
is a common occurrence where I you went out of
town for a week, and then I went out of
town for a week, and we sort of traded parenting.
And this is a common theme of the show where
we have to then come back and compare notes on
our solo parenting adventures because we're never in the same
(03:53):
room unless we're doing this ought to be to be fair,
I'm doing this podcast to force my help to see
my wife, and it's a great it's a great idea.
Otherwise I will never see her, especially since we got
two Apple TVs in two different rooms. But that's the
type of thing to talk about. We don't hate each
other as much as it sounds like we just are busy.
(04:15):
Like many of probably our listeners, we just missed our
alone time more. It's true, I enjoy hanging out with
me At the end of a long parenting tea. I
don't know what to talk about constant attention. Okay, So
so you were out of town. I was in Orlando,
and so I'm going to talk about that week, which
(04:37):
is UM. It's always exhausting, but it's not as exhausting
as maybe. I think the last time that happened, which
was when I was pre surgery, and Maybe and I
both had fevers and she fell off the bed and
then I was um scolded by daycare for not getting
a doctor's note for her UM, but I was There's
a lot going on back then. Anyway, this this time,
(04:59):
we did better. UM. The kids were UM pretty good
towards the beginning of the week, and then towards the
end of the week, Bryn just decided that he doesn't
want to ride in the car anywhere, and he sort
of just puts our life on hold at his own whim.
And then on Thursday, my mom came to help out
(05:21):
after I had been doing the thing alone for a
few days, and I was going to get Brant out
of the car outside of our building, and he did
his usual thing where he undid his seatbelt jumped into
the front seat of the car, so I have to
chase him. And right as that was happening, a car
drove by and hit the door I was standing next to,
(05:43):
luckily away from me and open door, the open backseat
door where I was about to get my son out
of the car. This car hit it and nearly ripped
it off of the car, which was terrifying. And it
was already a heightened mood because Britain knows that I
hate him trying to escape from me and all these
car antics. So he we were both already a little
(06:07):
bit like on edge, like okay, let's just get out
of this car, and then this happened, and I said
something like Jesus Christ, and so that terrified brand because
our car is like crunching, and his mom is like, uh,
freaking out, which is I don't think something he sees
me do a lot, unless being that scarier than anything
(06:29):
else is seeing your parents freak out. So then some
of that happened. Luckily, I was totally fine. I didn't
get hit by the door or anything. I was simultaneously
like freaked out and also like just incredibly relief that
I hadn't like pulled brand out of the car and
into an oncoming car. Um. So it was like one
(06:50):
of those moments where you're like not as upset as
you think you're going to be, even though someone kind
of just wrecked your car, because you're just like, wow,
thank god, that wasn't that in perspective. Yeah, so um.
Then luckily my mom had just arrived, so she came
outside and took the kids in, who were now kind
of like freaking out, like crying a little bit, because
(07:11):
they just picked up on the anxiety of the whole thing,
even though it was all fine and and it was
like a weird um moment where you want to make
it a lesson for Britan about like not jumping away
from you, but at the same time that's like maybe
what saved his life, you don't know, so you're just
sort of like, how do I react to this? And
he was sort of like, and he's not going to
(07:34):
remember that, like what is attached to what? Right? But
it was funny because my mom was there, and she
doesn't because she doesn't spend her day to day with
a three year old, she doesn't fully understand like his
level of conceptualizing a situation. So she was sort of like, Brin,
you have to pay attention to traffic and hold hands
(07:55):
and cars are dangerous, and like she was lecturing him
in a way that he like didn't understand what's happening.
And it also happened five minutes ago, and in three
year old world, five minutes ago was was eternity and
she and then she would simultaneously say that, and then
she would say it's not your fault, it's not your fault.
So he had no idea what's going on. And because
(08:16):
my mom was having a serious tone, may even just
kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's been big into
apologizing this week, and I don't think she totally gets it.
Last night and she says I'm sorry, So sweetly like smiling,
you can't help but go it's okay. I'm constantly worried
(08:38):
that we're like putting too much pressure on her as
a girl. Like I'm like, why is she already apologizing?
You don't have to anyway, Um, I have a weird thing.
I don't. I don't probably don't think about that nearly
as much as you do, because it's your profession and
you're a woman. But I thinkeeme aware of my mom
facetimes with them, and my mom keep is calling me
(09:00):
even pretty because she's got her braids. He's like, are
you pretty, girl? And I'm like, don't do that. I
don't even I don't want to even think about the concept.
I mean, I agree with you, but I also call
her pretty sometimes because I want I can tell she
likes the braids and it's excited, so I want to
let her be excited about her new style. Yeah, I
(09:21):
am too, but I not consciously. But I realized hearing
other people that I completely avoid saying that she is
beautiful and pretty. I shower her with compliments, and I
think that's a good impulse. But I also think, like
you don't have to police it to aggressive, just like,
your braids are awesome. But boy, I let let them
pick out their clothes this week, and she's gone, She's
(09:44):
gone full pink. You know, she's had almost entirely her
brother's clothes growing up, but now there's pink. She finds it. Yeah,
she's really into white. Weirdly, she always wants her white clothes,
white and pink, which actually lead us perfectly into our
next segment. This next segment is called did You Knows Is?
(10:05):
This is a segment where Peter learns and shares a
parenting or child related flat fact via the internet. Peter,
what's your fact? I just want to clarify that for
this segment, um, there will be very little research. There
will be no double checking these facts or the sources
from which I get them. In fact, this first one
is something I heard from a person, So I encourage
(10:27):
you to double check it. You're not going to You're
gonna tell somebody else this fact. But that's how our
society works. Yeah, you can angrily correct us online, and
we think that that's going to be actually a really
big aspect of this podcast is that, uh and yeah,
you tell us what we're doing wrong? And podcast is
(10:48):
called we knows, but we don't know. So this is
a fact I heard from a friend. Uh, apparently little
girls eyeballs are built differently. Is that creepy? How I
said that is that doesn't sound really factual when you
intro sentence with little girl's eyeballs. Little girl's eyeballs different
(11:12):
the little boys eyeballs. We're talking science, we're talking to eyeballs.
If you're talking science, we're talking eyeballs. It's the it's
the coolest part of human body except for the brain
and probably other things. About little girl's eyeballs, there's cones,
you know what. I don't know what the cones are,
what they do, but they're in there. Rods and cones.
(11:32):
Rods are like black and white and cones or color.
There you go, that makes sense given the fact I'm
about to say the cones which perceive color are different
little girls and little boys. And for girls, uh, they
perceive pink much stronger than little boys, and they can
pick it out and they are drawn to it because
they literally see that color differently the little boys. And
(11:55):
having a little boy and a little girl, I would
say this is a thousand percent true because we've you know,
we have not gone out of our way to get
like little girl clothes and things, but as relatives have
slowly started buying clothes from Maven, boy, she you pull
out a pink shirt and her eyes light up, and
that's the one you want. And I'm letting her choose
(12:16):
her clothes like I'm getting them dressed every morning, and
the easiest way to get the dressed these days is
to go, hey, what do you want to Let's look
in the drawer, and Mayven wants pure white, gold and pink.
I pulled out white socks today though, and she goes,
I don't want. She likes to just be contradictory like
(12:37):
all toddlers and just be like, no socks, socks, pink socks, pink. Yeah. Um,
But this is so we should sort of disclaimer this
that I think what you're saying is true science wise,
but it's not all kids, because I definitely know people
whose boys love pink. So it's a little bit of
(12:58):
like a cultural it's a nature and nurture thing. But yes,
but I think there is, but like any nature, that's
not an absolute for all kids. Obviously, there's there's gay people,
There's We've done a lot of research do you guys
know there's gay people, which is a different There's a
(13:20):
gay eyeballs and straight eyeballs. You know what? As two
huge fans of Queer Eye because that's why the show
is called Queer Eye because their eyes they have toes
you've ever seen. I don't have gay cones. I could
use some gay cones. That's why I want to be
on that show. Do you want to talk about how
(13:43):
you really want to be on that show? Oh? I
just said it. Here's a great example of me just
saying something before I thought about it. Of course I
would love to be on that show. But you I
think similar to me, like you want to hang out
on that show, but you don't necessarily want someone to
come into your life and be like, what is this
garbage life? Right? Because they come there the idea of
(14:05):
the shows, they come in, I'm garbage enough to be
on the show. We all want to believe that. I
think they you know, they come in and they're like, Wow,
your house is a mess, your face is a mess,
your clothes are a mess. They would just shave off
my beard and then they'd be like, this was a mistake.
(14:27):
That is one of my problems with the show as
someone who likes beards and hair on men is like
they're almost always going to take it all off. It's
the most dramatic and yeah, they want a dramatic change.
And I'm not saying it looks bad in the end.
It's just as someone who enjoys a good beard, It's like,
can some people have beards? Well, you know, I don't
think you know what. I stand by the I don't
(14:50):
think very off topic. We should have queer eye, baby,
any quek queer eye for the We're not labeling her
yet baby. Um okay, let's get back to parents. Oh
this started because I said gay eyes. This next segment
(15:10):
is called we don't Know, we don't know, we don't uh.
This is a segment where we share our most defeating
or perplexing parenting moment of the week. Peter, what's your
we don't know this moment? This has become a recurring theme,
which is how much I can ignore the signs that
(15:32):
my kids are sick so that I can still send
them to daycare. Right, Because if you can't get them
to daycare, you can't do anything with your day. You
can't work, you can't breathe, so you know full disclosure.
I know that when a child is sick, the last
thing you should do is take them to daycare to
(15:54):
get other kid. Yeah, we know we're not some that's
like a number one daycare, but I also need to
get work done. Everyone at daycare is always sick, you
know what, It makes them stronger after they're recovering from
being sick. They all just a snotty little cesspools. So
(16:16):
we're all We've been sick quote unquote sick for like
four months now. Yeah, sometimes undeniably sick. Other times. Am
I so consistently sick as I have the last month
and a half? Well it perfectly corresponds to when they
started going to daycare well and also its pointer. Yeah,
so now it's just like I feel like Britain never
(16:38):
got thick. We had we had a babysitter for Brian. Yeah,
we didn't get sick ever, and then daycare no surprise.
But I also think not to be like aggressively pro breastfeeding.
But when I was still breastfeeding the kids, I feel
like we would get sick at the same time and
were used to being so aggressive. I don't want to
be a like a formula sham er. I'm there's a
(17:00):
lot of um parenting mom baggage that you're not aware
of because you are not a woman and you've not
been constantly shamed for your whole life. So I'm married
to you, so I have a little bit. So I
think as women were all very sensitive about our decisions
to do certain things like breastfeed, so because you get
changed no matter what you do. So anyway, when I
(17:22):
was breastfeeding them, I felt like I would get a cold,
they would get a cold, but like they were getting
the antibodies through me. Once I started getting better, and
then because they were nursing, it was kind of like
they would just be like comforted through it. I feel
like they didn't get as sick they were. I don't
know anyway. Now, so maybe I've been waking up once
(17:46):
an hour just to like go give her her pacifier
and it's not terrible, but she's just like whiny and
she's sort of pulling on her ear, like is this
congestion or is this an ear infection? And I think
times like these, when I've again been sick for a
little literal month and a half, it's hard for me
to empathize with other sick people, it's like, you're fine,
(18:06):
we're all sick, go to sleep. Yeah, Well, as the
one who's been getting up, I get in there. I
just started talking to her because I found it's easier
to get her back to sleep just to like wake
her up and then put her back to sleep. So
I'm walking in there, I'm like, maybe you're fine. Maybe
what is this? What that? Yeah? She does some lately
she's had a lot of wake ups, and I think
(18:27):
she's teething, and then she'll have like these freakouts where
she's like half asleep and just crying, and like the
only thing you can do is like take her out
of there and like, yeah, wake her up, let her
watch some t V or something so she takes her
mind off of it. Oh, I don't go that far.
I don't touch that TV. But if she's really freaking out, sure,
(18:48):
that's that's that's that's when you're just like, that's not
what's happening to her. Sometimes you have to just calm
her down, and the only way to do that is
to get her fully awake and be like it's okay. Yeah,
I'm like, hey, hi, look look at distraction. Everything is
just a distraction. I'm sure this is not like good parenting.
Oh no, no, no, again, we should go to urgent care.
(19:09):
But she is like a week ago, she had a
fever for an hour, like she woke up from a
nap and she was a two and I was like,
oh great, I gotta take her. And then four five
minutes later it was gone and she hasn't had a
fever since. And I think that's teething. And so we're
not telling daycare about it. Well, I should have a
daycare today. And uh, the head of daycare, who's a
(19:32):
wonderful woman, was like, you know, maybe she wasn't eating
very much yesterday and she was her pulling on her
ear and I was I pulled the full ignorance card,
like what she eats so much last night? But this
is also like classic second Kids stuff, where when if
it was just Bran, we would have been like, oh
(19:53):
my god, someone's gonna gonna do something. But I'm like,
she doesn't have a fever. Don't If you have a fever,
I'll take you. It might be an ear che it
might be teething. I think it might just be congestion.
Because very non alarmist about things, because you're one of
four kids, and your mom if one of you was
(20:15):
bleeding from the nose, she would go get her camera
to take a picture of it. Classic and mcnerney's story,
although my favorite still is something she said to you
after Brent fell and hit his head in the fireplace.
I think it was that time. Oh, I was still
in the process of walking over to see the damage,
and she said, it's when they don't cry that you
should worry. Yeah, she's not worried at all, even though
(20:38):
her sons fell off a chair into a stone fireplace.
You know what, though, I really stand by that general sentiment.
It's when they're not crying that you really should worry.
I mean, it's true, but it's a funny thing to
say when her son just fell face first into a
fireplace and we still have yet to see how badly
he's hurt. Yeah, that's definitely the difference between because like,
(21:01):
when I see them fall down, instantly, I'm like, Okay,
this is not broken, like we've had fight. No, she's
not wrong, but the latest the most reason of this
was you We're watching the kids right before I got home,
and then Nathan fell over in her chair and the
chair fell onto her foot, and then she was limping
(21:23):
around the apartment. Not even limping. She refused to walk,
which was very weird because I would hide from her
in one room and it's incredibly rare that she does
not come find me. And she was like, my foot
hurts too much to walk. I'm not going to do
what true, And I was not alarmed by this because
I know what that feeling is when you tweak your foot.
It's not a break because I, first of all, I
(21:45):
also had half an hour with her before you came home,
where I examined this foot, and so I more quickly
than you. I'm like, this is okay. But I also
had more time. So you got home and I was
ready to leave because yeah, you were like, oh, um,
our daughter can't walk. I gotta go do a show
by And I was like, wait, do I have to
take our kid to the emergency rooms? Like no, you
can't just leave me with two kids. You're not going
(22:06):
an emergency room if one kid can't walk. In my defense,
I was right, But in your defense, you didn't have
the time to process it the way I did, and
you also need more time than okay, watched her for
like half an hour and she was still refusing to walk. Sure,
I watched her walk and I saw you sub but
we see different things. I'm like, yeah, she tweaked her foot,
(22:30):
it hurts, she doesn't want to walk on it. That
doesn't mean it's broken me after the hospital, it's not
that kind of change, like wincing in pain every time
she put her Anyway, she's fine. Our daughter is fine.
We never take her to the doctor. She's at daycare
right now. Actually, before I took her in, I was like, oh,
you've got gross gunk in your eyes. I'm gonna wipe
that out so the daycare doesn't see and then send
(22:51):
them off. Another thing I feel like we frequently do
is take our kids to take care without brushing their hair,
or like wiping the drool and it's not off their face,
or give them a back for a week. Brin refused
to take a bath. For one bath a week is fine?
Mean yeah, and I like lessing that happened. Our kids
aren't like running marathons, and we've wiped the peanut butter
(23:11):
off their faces occasionally. Most of it it is like
I get to dake because I said the alarm for
seven I roll out of bed. I immediately throw them
in close into the car and meant daycare by seven
thirty if all goes well. And it's when I get
there and I go into the back seat to pull
them out, I look at their faces for the first
(23:32):
time and that's like, oh, Maven, do a thumblich And
then I take them in and then I go back
to the car. And every morning I sit down and
look at myself in the rear view mirror, and I
look like a homeless person. Yeah, I have that too,
because you it's if they get distracted in the morning
by any like quest for food or milk or anything
(23:52):
on the way out the door, then anything, it will
add a whole hour or your morning where you're not
getting to your own life and your own shower. So
you just need to like power through and show the
day care like a hideous monster. Take my children sick,
ignore that their hair hasn't brushed. Yeah, the last three
days I pick up Mayben and she's got beautifully braided
(24:14):
hair and pigtails. And I was like, Oh, one of
these women must love to do that, or I've just
been dropping them off with nasty hair. I mean, I
do have a lot of weird guilt about the braining
because I like that they're doing it, but I do
worry as a mom that they're like, why are they
not grooming these children at all? You know what? I
don't care? All right, So we're gonna move on to
(24:36):
our next section was very exciting, which is we're going
to hear from some people that are much more interesting
than us, our children. This next segment is called what
do They Knows? And this is where we ask our
children questions to see what they're thinking. Hey, Brita, did
(25:00):
you have a good day at school today? What did
you do? I just paid with Pierre Louis pure Louis. Yeah?
Is that a person? His name is Pierre Louis? Yeah?
What does he say? Yes to me? To play great? Maybe?
(25:22):
Did you get braids in your hair today? Yes? Maybe?
Did you go to the doctor today? Yeah? She doesn't
like you. Oh, thanks for clarifying that, Brent, Maven doesn't
(25:42):
like you. That makes me sad. Why doesn't she like me? Becauys,
She says, that's a good indicator that she's not fond
of me right now. Did may even go to the
doctor today? Why? Because she was sick and she wanted
a lollipop to eat it? So you think part of
(26:05):
going to the doctors because she wanted a lollipop. Oh yeah,
did she get a lollipop? Um? Um, down to to
to my food. Oh, I want me to interview the food. Yeah. Food.
Do you like being mac and cheese? Yes? Oh? Why
(26:26):
do you like being mac and cheese? Because we got
to get and Brins com Oh is there a party
in Brin's tummy? Yeah? What kind of party? What do
they do at the party? Our babies? Your babies are
in Brin's tummy having a party. Yeah, that's weird. Mac
(26:47):
and cheese? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. And this
is our brother that is a guana mac and cheese.
You have a brother who's an iguana? Yeah, I'm a
gwater because I have a fork tale Oh so your
fork is an iguana? Who is the brother to the
(27:09):
mac and cheese? Yeah? Yeah? What do you go on?
His name? Um? How CagA? Howikaga? Yeah, it's really nice
to meet you. How kaga? How are you good? Hey?
Brand I have a question to ask you. Um, do
you know how the sun works? Like? What what tell
(27:33):
me about the sun? Like shines down? It shines down? Yeah?
When when is it shine down after the moon comes up?
Where does the sun go at night? Um? At bed time?
At bedtime? At bedtime, it goes away? Right, Where does
(27:56):
it go? It goes down on the mountains and through
good tunnel and that's how we get to the big
yells kitten. Oh, it goes through a tunnel and goes
to a big yellow station in the nighttime. I had
no idea. That's amazing. So where does the moon go
during the day? It goes around the crocodile? Right, Oh,
(28:19):
the moon goes around the crocodile like okay. And to
the Moon and Sun, are they friends? Yeah? What do
they say to each other? They say yes, just yes,
no matter what does the Sun ever ask the moon questions?
What does the Sun asked the moon? How depla? Because
(28:42):
they don't have because they don't have hands. He says, hey, Moon,
I don't know how to play because we don't have hands.
And the Moon said no, And then they don't play no,
because you can't play without hands. You're wiggling a lot,
do you suco potty? Should we go right now? Alright?
(29:04):
Good interview? High five? Anything you want? Anything you want
to stay before we go? What what do you want
to say? Okay, you're here here for first folks. That's
our exclusive interview with Brandon Maven. Do you have anything
to add? No, she doesn't like me. All right, goodbye.
(29:32):
This next segment is called would you Knows What to Do?
This is where we posit a hypothetical parenting situation to
one another and discuss how we would handle it. Beth,
you look like you have one for me. Okay, here's
your hypothetical situation. You are alone with the children, picking
them up from daycare. You realize you have no food
(29:52):
at home, and you decide a regular Monday. Yeah, you
decide that you're going to try to get food into
these kids as fast as possible by stopping at the
smash Burger on the way home, which is I wouldn't
do that, but okay, it's playing with fire, but it
feels in the moment like the fastest way to feed
your children. So I've clearly forgotten that there's a McDonald's
(30:16):
drive in nearby. Here, this is the pathetically you're at Smashburger. Okay,
so you've gotten two kids out of the car. You're
taken to squirming uh not very big children into the
smash burger. They're very excited and you're instantly overwhelmed. You
finally get the food, sit them down, and they're showering
(30:39):
hot food into their mouths. You're trying not to get
them to burn themselves. It sounds successful so far. Yeah,
you're turning from one kid to another, trying to make
sure they don't burn themselves. Finally, um may even shoves
a huge piece of chicken finger into her mouth and
starts gagging on it. She's not in danger, but she
does trigger a gag reflex that makes vomit up all
(31:00):
onto her shirt, which um then somehow gets onto Brin
as you're sitting next to each other. Yeah, okay, so
then he seizes his moment of opportunity while you're focused
on trying to clean this up and grab napkins and everything,
and he sort of just wanders away from the table
to go talk to strangers. Um, so now you have
(31:24):
one vomit covered child to attend to in her chair,
but she's also sort of like screaming around, and then
another child who's maybe thirty feet away from you, lightly
covered in vomit, and he's interacting with strangers. Okay, are
giving you strange looks. Okay, here's my here's what I
would title my strategy for this situation, full retreat. Um.
(31:50):
I would abandon all clean up. Your kids have barely
finished eating this. They barely started eating this. There's something
at home all they'll have white rice sitting in the
back of the cupboard. Uh. But yeah, this is a
bunch of napkins. Bump, bump ump, throw it into the
thing and then it's This is the big question is
(32:14):
will Burn cooperate because pulling him away from his food? No,
he won't. Okay, then I want to see to food,
but he also wants to eat it standing at another
table while staring into the eyes of strangers. Okay, I
grabbed Bryn. If he screams full fireman, carry over the shoulder.
(32:34):
Maybe will probably walk because she's a little shell shocked
from the vomit. I assume, so how she behaving in
order to do this, You're not going to have time
to do the full vomit cleanup. Oh I know. Yeah, No,
this is the last called full retreat. Right, grab him
over the shoulder, I grab her hand. Hopefully she walks.
If not, I'm ready to pick them both up and
(32:57):
I go straight for the door. I make zero icon
tech with anyone leave the strategy because I usually would
give people apologetic pleading looks. Uh no, this is why
I will try to smile and be like this is funny, right.
This is why it's a full retreat. You have a
(33:18):
very strong flight response. Oh when there's social awkwardness. No,
in my scenario, uh, I have space. And so I'm
running away into the car. There's vomit on me because
I'm just gonna press her against me and we're going
to get home. So screaming kids and vomit, and not
(33:39):
only are strangers giving you word looks, but their kids
are giving you word It looks like seven year olds
that are like, whoa, what's up with those kids? Well,
the solution afterwards is we go home, and hopefully going
home is relatively normal. There's no way it is. Yeah,
Well then I worst case scenario, I carry them both
and I'm uh angry for the last piece of it
(34:04):
is simple, which is I will never go to Smash
Burger ever. Again, there was no joke in any of
that answer. That is what I would do. So, I mean,
that's your current strategy is you'll never take them anywhere
with with just one parent. Boy, have I done that? No?
(34:25):
You are much braver than I am. Well, because otherwise
I feel like they're just doing the same thing to
me at home and I'm alone, and it's like at
least someone cooked the food, you know, I think they
are less clinging to me. I'm at home. I'm I'm
the master of this domain. I can handle whatever they
(34:47):
throw at me because they don't throw it at you.
It's people watching. I don't go to the store because
there are people watching. I don't go to the restaurant
because people watching. Ever go to the store. I mean,
if I go to the store by myself, I'm still
in the mode of nobody look at me. I'm not
going to give you a reason to look at me. Okay,
(35:11):
So you'll never take your children anywhere until they We'll
not go when there seven. That was a joke when
maybe a little older. When I mean I would right
now if I had to, if I had to take
in the store, and I would, but I don't have to.
I'll just start of great, alright, Beth, I have a
(35:34):
hypothetical situation for you. Okay, you're on the subway. God
knows why we don't live in the city anymore. But
you're on the subway with Bryn. I think I'm with
maybe with something we never do but we should do
all the time. Separate our kids. Are you saying we
should divorce and it just each take one? Please have
(35:58):
full custody of our favorite child. Um, that's all jokes.
That's all jokes. Listeners, we're doing great. Yeah, you should
subscribe to our other podcast. That's all jokes. I'll think
about the premise of what that is later. All right,
(36:18):
you're on the subway with Bryan. It's very crowded. There
is This is a little bit of a cliche, but
I've because I've heard this before, but there is um
a homeless person. They're looking pretty rough, but they're not
like insane crazy, It's it's just noticeable. Oh, that's a
(36:38):
homeless person. Bryn starts asking you very loud questions of ah,
what is that? Who is that man? Is like the
most offensive sort of language, Why is that? Why is
that man so stinky? Why does that man have those here?
(36:59):
The questions why that man have those garbage bags? I
would say, I think I'd just be honest, I'd be
like to carry his stuff. He's just he's got to
carry stuff around. I don't. I mean, he is a
homeless man listening. Everyone around is listening to your answer. Yes,
so I just like trying to keep cool and be like, okay, well,
(37:20):
let's role play. Okay, I'm brand. Why does that man
have those garbage bags? That's how he carries his stuff around?
Why doesn't he have a bag like Daddy's bag, like
Daddy's backpack, Daddy's special bag. Yeah, Daddy's special special backpack
that he yells at me when I jump on. Um.
(37:41):
You know, he has uh different things and he has
to carry a lot of stuff around because he doesn't
have a home like Daddy, so he's gonna carry all
his stuff. He's a big bag. How do you know
he doesn't have a home because he smells terrible? But
I smelled her, well, I haven't taking a bathroom two weeks, Brand,
(38:04):
you need to take a bath to night? What are
you yelling? We're going home? I would just yeah, so
mostly and I would just escalate it, make a huge scene. Alright, Great,
I think that we figured some stuff out here. Thank
(38:29):
you all so much for listening. Before we go, we
want to let you know that in future episodes, we're
gonna be answering your burning parenting questions. If you'd like
to reach out you have questions, you can let us
know at we knows Pod at gmail dot com or
on our Twitter account at we knows pod on Twitter.
(38:50):
Hit us up with your questions corrections. I'm sure you've
got a lot of correction more factual info about gay eyeball.
So much for listening until next week. I'm Peter McNair me,
I'm Beth Nowell. Can we know who's parenting? Mhm
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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