July 24, 2018 • 46 mins
Peter drives the kids across the country alone and is very proud of himself. We wonder how to appropriately acknowledge and discuss race with a three-year-old. Peter shares a study about driving while distracted by children. Beth unpacks this week’s ‘Would You Knows?’ to figure out how she would handle Maeven being recruited by Yale at age 4 and we read some listener mail about deceiving your kids.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hello, Welcome to We Know His Parenting, the parenting podcast
hosted by parents. I'm Beth Nowell, I'm Peter McNerney. I
just want to introduce the listeners to the show. Let
them know that we are surrounded by blankets. Yeah, you
finally figured out the sound issues of this corner of
(00:33):
our living room, and apparently the solution is just to
surround ourselves with blankets. Well, you've actually, in trying to
insult me, given me too much credit, because boy, I
have not solved the problem of figuring out how to
record in your apartment when it is very much not
a studio. Um, But just surrounding us with blankets is
(00:54):
helping a little bit. I know that's what you're all
tuning in for the technical effects of recording a podcast.
I'm going to post a picture of this. Well, we've
also we've chosen basically the absolute worst corner of our
apartment to record out of because there's like five guitars
on the wall. The guitars, they're all resonating sounds back
(01:16):
at us, but it's where my desk is. I don't
want to move. We're committed to finding the most difficult
solution to this problem. Um, shout out to Tristan and
how stuff works. He has to deal with our our
amateur technology. Anyway, big week. This is a very similar
(01:38):
week to what we had about a month ago in
that I took the kids up to Massachusetts by myself.
Actually know this. This is the first time has any
one of us either driven them uh to Massachusetts by
ourself because I went alone last time. You had your
mom in the car. Yeah. Yeah. The thought of it
(01:58):
terrifies me. How the don't be scared. It was no problem.
Our kids are growing up. Um. I drove both ways,
no stops, and they were great, Like Brandon got a
little restless on the way back, but not a ton.
The way there was great except for one minor thing,
which is may even threw up again. And I didn't
(02:23):
know until we got there. She just sat and throw
up for I mean it was a tiny bit, but
in the middle of the like two and a half
hours in, she started crying and I was like, oh,
she's gonna get car sick. So I immediately start looking
for a place to pull over. And she's like, I'm like,
you feel sick. She's like I'm like okay, And I
(02:44):
immediately start looking but it's like a couple of minutes,
so there's any options. And by the time I get there,
I looked back and she's laughing and playing with brand
So I was like, oh, okay, I think we dodged
a bullet there and uh and then they was she
was totally happy. Everyone's totally happy. We get there, and
then as I'm pulling her out, like I already get
(03:04):
her out of the car, she's running and I looked
down in her seat and there's just a tiny little
pool of like chewed up crackers, and I was like,
this is puke. And then I looked and there was
some just down the side of her onto her skirt.
But again, just like last question, threw up when my
mom and I took her, it was not like it
didn't smell like anything. So we I lucked out big
(03:26):
time and she was fine on the way back. It's
the lead up to throwing up that she seems to
hate the most, as most people do. And then she
throws up, and she's like, I mean, pukey is great,
but about to puke is the worst. You come from
a real puke family. You guys love to puke. Well,
(03:48):
I think that's a bit of an overstatement. Um that
I've heard you guys law the benefits of getting the
puke at I mean, we puke for a reason. It's
better to puke than to not puke in a lot
of cases when your body is telling you you should puke. Boy,
do I want to launch into a puke story. My favorite,
(04:09):
real quick one is just the oldest brother first Big
his first big presentation as like an adult at work
the night before. I don't know. I'm sure it was drinking,
but throwing up so hard that he burst all the
blood vessels in his eyes and had bloody looking eyes
for the big presentation at work. I don't know how
(04:32):
it went, but anyway, that was a tangent. The trip
was amazing, Beth. Yeah, no one got sick. Ah, everyone's happy.
We went out to dinner and no kids screamed or
tried to run away. Um, it was a miracle. So
(04:53):
I just want to because all the things I want
to talk about sound terrible, but I just want to
first say it was a wild success that like they
could run around and I didn't need to worry about
them falling down like stairs and stuff as we much
as we had to do in the past. Yeah, every
trip we take it's a little bit easier. But yeah,
this the idea of solo travel with kids still terrifies me. Yeah. Well,
(05:18):
the most exciting part of the whole trip, I think
was we were at dinner and some my dad's cousin
and my second cousin were nearby, so week they came
over and I just locked all the doors so they
could kids couldn't get out of the house. But then
I was able to sit at this one seat at
(05:39):
the dinner table, and I could see all three of
the doors, so I knew that's the only way they
can get out of the house. And you know what,
I nothing in this house is going to kill them.
And they ran around, and I like that. It's like
a hostage scenario or like a steak out. Maven did
then run towards me and just run directly into the
(06:01):
corner of the table at like cheek level. Looked really bad.
It ended up being okay, but it was awesome. So
some things that were not awesome. Uh, Mayven did I
say Beth? I think he said, Maven, Okay, great, your
name is Beth, right, maven Um is defiant, So as
(06:24):
you recall, and the last time we went up to Massachusetts,
Bryn tried to cross the street and he got a
big talking to. And this time, so I was outside
and Brandon Mayven started running around the house and I
was like, oh gosh, and because I don't want to
go on the road, and so I ran after them.
And I saw Bryan get to the road and he
saw that Maven was running towards the road, and Bryn
(06:47):
stopped and I can see that he was terrified, and
you like, Maven, no now, he said this with his body,
like you're not supposed to. I go, Maven, stop, and
you're right. Our kids do not stop when you say stop,
no matter how sturn me and maybe ran into the road.
It's aside, very very small road, so it's fine. But
I ran out how to make a point, like you
(07:07):
do not go in the road dangerous. I don't want
you to get hurt. And she just puts on her defiant,
grumpy face, and then I picked her up and we
walked back to the house. I'm like, you can't go
on the road, and I put her down and started
talking to brand and I turned around and in a
single second, she gets sprinting back to the road. And
she sprints back into the road, it stops, turns around
(07:28):
and just looks at me like, what are you gonna do? Yeah,
she's very defiant, which I kind of relate to she
I don't know if I think you're there for this,
but I don't know if he talked about it, but
she The last time she had that like mad look
on her face that I thought was so funny is
when we were again in Massachusetts and I we're looking
(07:48):
at a family photo of me and my family when
I was close to her age and I was trying
to explain to her that it was a picture me,
and she kept saying, no, that's me, and I was like, no,
that's me, and then I pointed up, they're sure my
mom and I said that's Nana and she said, no,
that's you, and she the look in her face was
(08:10):
so silently angry and confused, like she was like, why
are you lying to me? In her defense, based on
the information she has, she is correct, I understand, but
it's so funny because she's just what are you doing?
It was really funny. We were there and I brought
(08:32):
Brin is too big for a pack and play, but
I brought a pack and play, and he slept in
one and he was fine. And so there were two
up there and they he also had a freak out
at one point, and so for both of them I
had to put them in the back and play and
have them have a little bit of a lone time
because they were freaking out. Maven immediately throws her leg
over the side and gets out and starts slamming on
(08:54):
the door, like I'm almost faster than I was able
to get out of the room. Yeah, this is Brin
hand it out. He's the most place as big as her.
Figure it out on a strength thing, it's an intelligence
thing he is despite his also stubbornness, he's like just
not as resourceful as her and he this happened last
(09:16):
night where she was mad at me. She wanted like
a ton of snacks before dinner in addition to the
two I had given her, and then she threw a
bowl of like raisins on the floor and I was
like annoyed, So I tried to give her time out
in her crib, which she's been threatening to figure out
how to get out of her crib and like hanging
(09:37):
on the rails for she can get up on top.
She's just afraid to jump down. So last night I
put her in there and knew she was going to
be like hanging off the side, but I was like,
let's just see what happens, because she never let's go,
And then a minute later she just walks back into
the kitchen. She finally figured it out. So yeah, I
think there's something too. For an older child, everything is unprecedented.
(10:04):
But from May even she's she's like, I can see
people are capable of things that I'm not, and she
can relate to brand and she goes for it. Where
he's he I think he's even seen her do it
and he can't get out. She's also in some ways
a little bit more of a daredevil, like she likes
to balance on high things and prove her strength. I
(10:27):
get it. The last thing I'll say about the trip,
the big success is that our children love lobsters. Are
you proud? I am, But it sounds so privileged to
say that. I just want the record to state that,
um my cousin and uncle have been lobsterman. So coming
(10:52):
at it from a little more of a blue collar angle,
and we are coming at it from rich dad lobsters,
but my dad was. So, my dad's been to go
into this house since the fifties, since he was a kid.
You know, my whole life too, as his great grandfather's
like cabin and uh so his whole life. You'd go
there and then you'd go down directly to the lobster
(11:15):
guy and uh pick out the lobster, the live lobsters
from the tank. And so this was Brin's first time
going and Grandpa said, Brent, We're gonna go pick up
some lobsters. And of course Brent says, no, I don't
want to go. I don't want to go anywhere ever,
and we go, well, we're also getting ice cream, and
he goes, let's go. So we went and we went
to the lobster place and we pulled out the live lobsters,
(11:37):
and all Brend cared about was a little toy truck
that was on the table, and he's like, have you
seen this toy truck? Because I don't give a crap
about these lobsters. So I got a bunch of steamers
and lobsters. We went home. We cooked him and Bryn
because we didn't talked about it, because he knows about lobsters,
and I was like, you don't eat the shell. It's in.
The meat is inside, and so he knew about it,
and he goes, Daddy, I don't want to eat the shell.
(11:58):
I want to eat the meat inside. I go okay, great,
And he did not want the butter. And because he
said that, Maven did not want butter. Uh, so I
gave him a little piece of crab meat or a
lobster meat and he ate it really carefully, and then
he goes, I like it. I like it, daddy, I
don't want to eat anymore. I was like, okay. And
(12:19):
then Mayven just went with her mouth open like she
does and ate everyone's meal and never stopped until all
the food was gone. Because she's she's my daughter. It's
a beautiful monster. She's little me, she really is. That
was the theme of the weekend, is everyone just pausing
every once in a while and going, boy, she's really
(12:40):
a little Beth and he's really a little Peter because
she was being quiet and shy and defiant and I'm
not defiant to your family. No um, I will say
uh in the vein of Brinn being stubborn as usual,
he um in in all the rest I had during
(13:03):
the three days you were gone. He made up for
it in an incredible tantrum trying to get him home
from daycare last night. Um, and he didn't want to
keep seatbelt on and we were wrestling and um, you know,
barely made it home alive. And then he was trying
to get him out of the car and he was
like drinking a water bottle we found, and I was
letting him come down for a minute, and then I
(13:24):
offered him juice inside and I could see him thinking over.
So I said, well, you have to count of five
to get out and get juice, otherwise there's not gonna
be any juice. And I counted to five and he
got out of the car very quickly. So I think
we need to get more into this counting threat. It's
starting to work. I had a bit of that this morning, um,
because when the routine goes out the window, it's always
(13:46):
going to be hardest. Uh. And so it was like
he's on vacation, and then you were here and the
TV was on and then I'm saying you've got to
go to school and he's like no, And it was
just that we got to school and he didn't want
to go in and I'm mixing up this yesterday and
it's just to sit there and then I go, well,
we're going in, so here are the options. And I've
(14:07):
talked about this before, but now I call this the
illusion of choice. I go, we are going in, so
do you want me to carry you in? Or do
you want to put on your shoes and walk yourself?
And then he doesn't answer, and then I sit there
silently and talk to mabn and I come back to it,
and then he realizes he doesn't care that much. He's
gonna lean up. He's gonna lean up. He's a big boy.
(14:29):
I mean a little bit. He did kick and punch
me a lot as I was trying to keep his
seatbelt on him. Baby steps, baby or now it's time
for we don't know. This is a segment where um,
we share a question. We have something that's perplexing we
(14:51):
don't know the right answer to. But something interesting, UM
happened with brand This is a few weeks ago. Uh,
and it just made me think ahead. And we were
reading some book and there were just a bunch of
like kids on it, and it's like a very like
diverse bunch of kids. And we're talking about each one
and he's I forget what he was saying, but then
(15:13):
he was referring to one of them, and the way
he described it, he goes, no, the brown kid. And
it was the first, you know, any indication of of
of like recognizing race from a three year old. And
this is not something obviously, it was just it was
a descriptor that was apt for identifying this kid versus
(15:35):
the other kid. But we have obviously have not had
that conversation with the three year old um, and I'd
not that I think we should, And I'm I don't
think it's a good idea to be like, hey, three
year old, let me put an idea into into your
head that is making you think of people differently at
this stage, which much more important I think is having
(15:58):
him exposed to a diverse group of people in his
life so that everyone is is normal. And then but
the question for me that I have looking ahead is
how I don't think there's a specific answer to this,
but what is the appropriate way to talk about race
(16:22):
and all the implications of in the history in this
country with a kid that isn't putting stereotypes in their
head at an early age and asking them to see
people differently before they can fully understand what that means,
you know what I mean. Yeah, I don't necessarily have
all the answers to this, because I do agree that
he's kind of at an age where it might be
(16:43):
doing more harm than good to try to explain that
to him. Yeah, definitely. Um, And I think luckily he
is around a bunch of people that are not white
on a regular basis, so he's like sort of that's
sort of part of his normal. But I know, like
there's a big movement of people trying to encourage everyone
to disregard the like I don't see color narrative that
(17:07):
we grew up with in the nineties, which is just
like encouraging white kids to not think about race is
actually a pretty bad idea because then they're not aware
of racial inequality or their own biases, and they're not
trying to like correct this. Well, it's also an impossible
thing because by saying don't don't identify it, you're identifying it,
(17:29):
like well, because I think we all have a lot
of like racial biases on a subconscious level. So to
not try to consciously correct that is to just allow
the system to remain broken. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
obviously grew up in not diverse environments northern like we
(17:50):
both grew up in pretty segregated cities Chicago and Boston. Yeah,
but I don't know my les. My best friend growing up,
her mom was Puerto Rican, and we had I don't
want to go into a much of attention, but we
had a program in her town where they would bust
inner city kids into the suburbs to get a better education,
(18:11):
and we were what was called the host family. So
we would host one of these students, and he was black,
and so he would stay in our house a lot,
and he was like, you know, part of a family
or like friends, you know. So I think those experiences
have like influenced my perspective tremendously, and I feel like
very lucky to have had those people around, especially because
(18:34):
my best friend's mom, who was Puerto Rican, would openly
talk about the biases that she had encountered in her
life and how frustrating that was, and that's just it's
nice to like to have grown up knowing that that
was a part of someone's life and to be aware
of that from a young age. And I think what
I'm happy about with our kids. I think they're in
an even more diverse environment at an even younger age
(18:56):
than I was, and and you know, they're speaking Banish
a daycare and stuff like that. But so I would
hope we can find a way to continue that, whether
we're stay in this town or move somewhere else. And
I would hope that they are able to speak more
about race as they grow older than I was, which
is I think is like the cultural trend that's happening now. Yeah,
(19:19):
it's it's fascinating because you know, I grew up in
a very liberal minded environment on in terms of you know,
diversity and how you treat people, but it was a
very segregated place, and that my interaction with people of
(19:39):
color was our cleaning lady who were who was like
around my whole childhood and we loved. But that is
a very specific relationship and the rest of it was more,
you know, my my dad and my my parents would
do these like adopt adopted child sort of third world
country programs, and he would make a point of showing us,
(20:01):
like these letters that these kids had written. But it
was very elsewhere. It was not it was not a
personal experience. And if you know, because not everybody. It's
not realistic for some people to be like you just
go be around people that are not like you, um,
and then that is a great experience. But yeah, I
(20:25):
mean I think that's like a step forward, but it's
like not all the way there in the sense of like,
you know, if you have people of color around but
they're only working for you, or you are you know,
with a with the adopted kids sort of thing, it's
like it sort of encourages this like savior complex that
a lot of us white people have that I think
is like, you know, again, we have to like sort
(20:47):
of actively erase that from our brain. This woman I
know actually wrote an article this last week called can
White Women Help Build to Progress the Future? And then
she talked about how sorry this is in the nation
if anyone's looking for it, But she talked about these organizations, um,
like like Isaiah, which are trying to help these white
women sort of be more more progressive in the sense
(21:13):
that they're like able to get more done and like
reach across to people of color and actually be helpful.
And a big part of that is like erasing this
savior complex from our minds and speaking to people as
like human beings and equals and people who oftentimes have
more knowledge about a given topic than we do. So, UM,
(21:35):
I don't know. I think that's really interesting and like
hopefully we can all Yeah, and obviously, uh, you know,
for for a lot of people, um, for whatever your
situation is, you live in a specific place, you're surrounded
by a specific group of people, you might not have
that you know, adopting a child and that sort of stuff. Obviously,
(21:58):
that's all great, and like doing the best you can
to educate yourself is great. But if you do have
that opportunity to actually get to know people and to
meet people face to face, that's you're gonna be able
to build real empathy when you actually are talking to
a person and hearing about their experiences. And it's not
it's not always easy because you have to go most
(22:20):
a lot of people have to go out of their
way to find those those opportunities. But and I think
there's more opportunities than we're aware of because again I
think like this, a lot of liberal white people I
think have this fear of like saying the wrong thing,
are doing the wrong thing, and so then they just
like don't engage with race at all like you're like that,
don't I don't see color thing. And so for example,
(22:40):
like you know, you see other kids on the playground
and their parents families there, and you like are afraid
of saying or doing the wrong thing or acting like
this like smug white person, so you don't even try
to approach them or like let your kids be friends
with them. And it's sort of like it's little things
like that that I think just like create this further isolation. Yeah,
(23:05):
and again I think our kids, hopefully we'll just simply
know people that are different than them and then those
things don't become issues because you have that experience. Hopefully, Yeah,
I mean, I don't know. I was thinking about this
recently with us, where I was like, oh, maybe we
have a blind spot here because you know, obviously we're
(23:28):
terrible scheduling play dates and don't do it. But like
I'm afraid of all people and I don't want to
know anybody. But like the only kid kid that Brent
has had a play date with is like his white
friend from daycare, And like I was like, oh, we
should try to be better about well, we haven't tried
(23:50):
at all. It's It's true. His dad was the one
that made that happen, and um, we haven't, but I
think it's something to be aware of as we sort
of like enter the new era of our kids being
older and having real friends. Yeah we are adults. Um cool. Yeah,
I guess we solved that problem. Yeah. This next segment
(24:17):
is called did you know? This is where Peter shares
a parenting related fact. Oh I got a fact and
it's related to my week. So this um uh, this
article comes from Oh shoot, I forgot to write it down. Sorry, sorry,
no credit. Um This study is about a study from
(24:41):
the Monash Monash University in Australia. The I don't know
how this is pronounced. Monash University Accident Research Center found
that driving with children is a full twelve times more
dangerous then I guess driving by yourself. So this For this,
they installed cameras and cars and they identified every moment
(25:04):
that a driver was distracted that their eyes left the road.
They found talking on the phone only accounts for one
percent of distractions. Distractions from children meanwhile accounted for twelve
percent of all distractions Over the course of an average
sixteen minute trip. Parents that had kids present spent three
(25:25):
minutes and twenty two seconds with their eyes not on
the road. One major and previously unrecognized distraction is kids
in the back seat. Duh, you've turned back there. The
most frequent forms of distraction were drivers turning around to
interact with their kids in the backseat or looking at
them in the rear view mirror, taking place in seventy
six percent of cases. Parents engaged in conversation with children
(25:48):
sixteen percent at the time, reached into the back seat
to give the child food or or drinks seven percent
at the time, and even played with the child played
with the child one percent at the time. Of the
ninety trips study, distracted drivers took place in uh. Distracted
driving took place in ninety of the cases. The presence
of a passenger in the front seat showed no difference
(26:09):
in distraction level. So are you saying it's not safe
for me to drive? Well, my son is trying to
squirm out of his seat belts and I'm holding him
by the leg and screaming on him. Uh nope. Is
are you saying that it's also not safe for me?
So I was worried about maybe getting car stick on
the way back, and I thought maybe one reason was
(26:31):
we have those little shades on their windows to block
the sun, but that gets in her way of her
field of vision. I think you get less carsick when
you can see the horizon. Yeah, it's hard because sometimes
then the sun is like directly interface. Well, the sun
was in Brent's face and he broke his so there's
nothing at it. But I was driving and I was like,
I need to put that shade up, and so on
(26:52):
the highway, I unbuckled my seatbelt, reached all the way
back to the back sea eat opposite side, to the
very top of the window, to the far right side
of the window to press the button to raise the
thing up. And it was very dangerous, and when I
got back in my seat, the car was going thirty
(27:12):
five on the highway, so I almost killed all of us.
But Mayven didn't throw up on the way back. Very safe.
But the study goes on. I mean this is sort
of one of those like no ship studies. It also
does not offer any solutions. Well, the solution is like
you pull over and you're it takes you nine hours
(27:37):
to drive somewhere, So we're not we're not solve this problems.
But texting is more dangerous. Yeah, well, we don't text
when we're driving. Previous research had found that driving while
texting to be six times more dangerous than driving while
high on marijuana, were intoxicated. That was blew my mind.
(27:58):
Is that texting texting now accounts for more fatalities suffered
by teenagers while driving than drink than drunk driving. That
makes perfect sense to me, because you can be drunk
and still be like sort of functional. But if you're
fully taking your eyes off the road, obviously you cannot
write that needs that requires your full attention to write
(28:21):
a sentence and to do do the right keys. I mean,
I've done it, and it's insane and it's super stupid dangerous.
Shouldn't do it. We're not endorsing drunk driving, though. Just
what we should do is you should give your phone
to your child to text for you, because whatever they
write will make as much sense as your text that
you try to write while you're driving. Also, phone calls
(28:44):
still exists. Yeah yeah boy, remember no barely. I should say.
It's also really hard to text when Maven with a
giant novelty sized boxing globe punches you in the hands
and you drop your iPhone onto the stone path and
(29:06):
it breaks. Another thing Brune was doing to me last
day was throwing his shoes at me while I was
trying to drive, which is what a monster? Oh boy, anyway,
did you know? Don't? I guess? Don't drive with your
kids is the solution. The next segment is called would
(29:31):
you Knows? This is where we posit hypothetical parenting situations
to one another and discuss how we'd handle them. Beth,
I got one for you. Are you ready to play? Yes? Enthusiastic?
All right. This one comes to us from Jonathan. Jonathan
wants to know your child is a math and science
genius and Ivy League colleges are trying to recruit them
(29:55):
at a mirror four years old. She could find the
cure for can't here, but how would she deal with
college life? This is so hard to relate to because
we've literally never whispered a word of math or science
to our children. Oh I've been whispering a lot of
math to brand. He knows addition and subtraction. Yeah sort of, No,
(30:18):
he does. We did it with lobsters anyway. So okay, okay,
So here's the thing. A four year old you can't
go to college. It's just not well, it wouldn't be.
We're not going to send them to a dorm. But
let's say in this scenario they have proven themselves to
be a genius and they are actually have shown the
(30:42):
potential for like real good and change in the world.
I don't know how this is not actually possible. Well,
of course not um, but so the world is like,
please give us access to your child, like they don't
need school, school needs them. Uh, can they come to
this university? The only way I think I can live
(31:06):
with this as if the school is providing like a handler,
because I, like, I cannot imagine being one of those
people who have like a child, actor kid, and then
you just drop your career and you like take over
your kid's career, Like I just that's so actually the
first thing I thought. And there's nothing more miserable to
me than like just being in service of someone else's
(31:26):
desires all day, which I guess that is what a
lot of stay at home parents do. But do you
realize that's that's a lot of our life right now.
It is. But I at least have like a shred
of myself. But I'm able to work during the day.
I it's so okay. So let's say it's Yale. Okay,
they're in New Haven, we're in Westchester, and they want
(31:48):
Maven to go up there three times a week. And
she's doing and there's she's there's a lot of articles
being written about her, she's famous. Do you let do
you let this happen? She might care cancer. It depends
on if there's someone available to like be her caretaker,
and if that is someone I trust, because again I
(32:09):
don't know. I keep having to bring it back to
like child actors and like you know, child gymnasts and stuff,
where they're so often preyed upon by people in those industries,
and it just doesn't it's hard to trust that. Well,
I would say no, you would just say no. I'd
(32:31):
say that we got time. If we had like a
different career, I could see. I could radically see a
situation where we move somewhere for the sake of our kids,
if we're able to still like work and have lives. Obviously,
what's so hypocritical about what I just said is that
we are exploiting our children by doing this podcast, but
we're exploiting them in the ways that we enjoy. Yeah,
(32:53):
but also it doesn't involve any of their time. No,
they're still doing the same thing they'd be doing. Boy,
they're going to hate this when they get older. Oh,
it's going to be here forever. Brendan Maven. I just
don't think anyone's gonna care. Well, what's crazy? You know?
So when you're When I first started acting and I
was on sets for the first time, Uh, the hardest
(33:17):
part for me was giving up sort of that part
of my brain that would just go, oh, I'll take
care of it, like where am I supposed to be?
And when you're an actor on a set, you just
have to give into the ignorance of someone's gonna tell
me when to get up, somebody's gonna tell me when
to move, and I just have to be here and
turn off the part of my brain that's trying to
be proactive. And what happens is that you just, even
(33:43):
if you're being humble, you can't help but feel like
you're the center of the universe because there's all these
people just being like, you're great, No, there, we need
to keep you calm. And if you're a child, this
is truly confusing when everyone around you is treating you
like with with kid gloves and you'd like, everything's taken
(34:03):
care for you. I would never people ask me like
brins so funny, would you have him take him on auditions? Never?
No way, like when he's if he really wants to
do that, when he's older, we can figure it out.
But uh, like child actors, I get it, Like what
a miserable Yeah, it creates a weird social bubble, especially
(34:28):
with the really successful ones that, like you're saying, there's
just like a lot of yes men around them, and
it's just like that that's their brain is still in
such like a formative stage. I can't imagine. Oh yeah,
Like I remember, so we were at Serious XM story
Pirates when we used to do our old radio show
and we would record it live, so we'd be in
a big studio it's like a fish bowl with glass
(34:49):
all around and even a circle, and we were in
the middle of recording this story and then suddenly we
hear the on the glass and we look and there's
this like what looks like I was just middle school
punk with his face up on the glass and his
mouth is just going like wow, and we're like, who
the hell is this? And then I look and I have,
(35:11):
and behind him are just like ten adults, all smiling
and just being like condoning this behavior, and I was like,
the hell is going on? And then he pulled his
face off off the glass, gave a thumbs up, and
walked away, and that's when we all realized it was
justin Bieber. It's funny because that's exactly who I was
thinking of during this discussion because we watched that documentary.
(35:34):
I think you were with me about him being a kid,
and it's like he starts out as like this sweet
kid who just loves music, and he seems like a
pretty nice kid. But then through the course of the documentary,
you just see all these people around him letting him
like make a mess out of the craft services and
like laughing at his high jinks, and it's like, I
(35:56):
don't know, there's a degree of letting kids be kids.
That's fine, but it's just he clearly does not understand
the world the way the world works. Yeah, and it's
a weird moment. And obviously he thought that we were
like a talk show, so he was giving us something
to talk about, so like it wasn't trying to ruin anything,
but you could just feel this, like my natural impulse
is like, you know, there's a reason why we all
(36:17):
hate thirteen year olds. I mean, I don't know that
this scenario would translate perfectly to sending your kid into academia,
because I don't think people are the same. But uh,
but I think the point well, first of all, we
don't all hate thirteen year olds, but there is some
watching home videos of myself of kids, you're like, oh,
(36:40):
kids are really funny, and like puberty hits and they
immediately like your impulse towards them is becomes like, come on,
shut up, you're not funny. I think there's an evolutionary
thing that, like, is makes adults push the kids out
of the nest a little bit more like you're not
cute anymore, so we're gonna give a little bit harsh
(37:00):
like you're annoying, or we're going to treat you that
way so that they become independent. There is actually an
evolutionary thing where, um, I think when boys hit puberty,
they I might beginning this wrong. It's like there they're
scent or something becomes disgusting to their mother's like it's
(37:21):
like mother nature. No, no, it's well, this might also
be true but father's scent becomes disgusting to their daughters.
When the daughter said, yeah, but it's like preventing evolutionarily
is preventing inbreeding. Yeah, I mean that's a good one.
I hope that I stink to my kids. I don't
think that will be a problem. I've already got it covered.
(37:44):
Um So you know what, curing cancer is going to
have to wait, Jonathan, until Maven can make that choice
for herself. Our kids aren't going to college until people
start stinking. This question stinks, No, it doesn't. It's great,
Thank you, Jonathan. All Right, we have one more segment.
(38:10):
This is Listeners want to Knows where we read some
listener mail and uh, I just really liked this story
that somebody sent to us, and I want to try
to steal part of it for our real life. So
this was it comes to us from Christine. I'm gonna
read her email. When my kids, both girls were small,
a young two and four and a half, my husband
(38:31):
and I traveled by airplane from Texas to California. Yep,
my dad paid for the trip. Anyway, during takeoff, they
would not sit still, even though they each had their
own seat no car seat on airplanes. Then did they
do that? Now? I don't know. Some people do, but
we don't. Anyway, I just wanted them to sit in
(38:52):
their seat nicely during takeoff, so I told them that
we were about to take off and that they needed
to push the button on their arm rest to help
make the airplane go fast enough to get into the
air I said that everyone had the same button and
it was everyone's job to press their button to help
take off. They sat very still in their seats and
we all pushed the buttons repeatedly, very fast, until we
(39:13):
felt the wheels leave the ground. And then I said,
that's good, we can stop. Great job, girls, and they
sat back in their chairs, thinking they had really contributed
to the flight. They continued to do this button this
button pressing for every flight we took, even though I
never told them about it again. They just remembered amazing
until one flight when my kids were eight and ten, yes,
(39:38):
six years later, we were flying Southwest, which did not
have a signed seats, so we were not able to
sit together. My husband sat with the youngest near the
back of the plane, and I sat with the ten
year old near the front. My husband had been working
a night shift and was very tired from this early
morning flight, so he was trying to close his eyes
and fall asleep during takeoff. When the eight year old
saw that he wasn't pushing his button, she started to
(39:59):
push is and hers, and he told her, baby girl,
please stop pushing my button. It's making my seat go
back and I need I needed for takeoff. Ding lightbulb
moment for the eight year old. Mom lied to us
about the button. It only makes the back the seat
go back. So we landed at the first stop and
we did not have to change planes. But after the
(40:19):
plane emptied, my husband, an eight year old got old
got up to move to the seat behind us. When
we started to take off for the flight for California,
the ten year old was there pushing her button fast
and furious. And then the eight year old peaks between
the seats and said, hey, you don't have to really
push the button. It actually only makes the seat go back,
big grin. The ten year old stops pushing the button,
(40:42):
looks at me in anger, and I nod in giggle
and say that's true. Uh so funny. At the moment,
oldest kind of mad at the youngest, and the youngest
so happy. The youngest was really proud of herself for
a while, but eventually they both decided that they were
mad at me about a that quote unquote lie. By
the time they reached high school, they realized how funny
and difficult little kids are, and they really only told
(41:04):
them once and they did it on their own after that.
Pretty sure. I'm sure my youngest will do that button
pressing or something similar for her kids someday. Not ready
for grandkids yet now her kids are one and three.
Um wow, that's a great idea. I don't know if
(41:24):
our kids would care. Oh, Brim would care, and then
may even would see Brin do it, and she would
do it, and I am very much going to do
Also a chance of it backfiring depending on your kids
anxiety levels, and then just fearing for the plane to fail,
you know what, I don't Our kids are not afraid
of things. The Rseshoe crabs on. The last time we
(41:47):
flew with Brin, he was at a very specific age
where being trapped in an airplane was very like, very
much a threat to him and he was like freaking
out the whole time. Yeah, well, I mean he was
freaking out because we wouldn't let him get out of
his seat. I don't think he was aware. Also like
the sound and like the environment, like you could tell
(42:10):
it was just like making him feel crazy. Maybe I
think it was more the the needing to be patient
and sitting still, But you might be right. I think
I think we're gonna be on a plane in November.
Uh and uh. I am going to do this. I'm
going to create lies and see how long they can last.
Thank you, Christine. If you if you discover that there'sn't
(42:33):
been any residual trauma or damage from this, please let
me know before I damage my kids. I can't believe
that they stuck with it for so long. Ten is
like pretty old. I can't. Boy, this is a weird thing.
But when I was little and we would drive the
Cubs games, I started doing this thing where when I
(42:57):
drove on one side of the road, every time went
by a light post, I would have to crunch push
my big right toe down, and in my mind I
was going under the light post and then I'd have
to go lift my toe up to go over things
like fire hydrants. And I did this until I got
(43:17):
my license when I was driving more, and it would
become this obsessive, endless thing where my toe would be
jumping over and under objects that we passed in the car.
It was very I don't want to be little. I
was gonna say O c D, but I probably shouldn't
be little real sd D. I think a lot of
little kids have that sort of like low grade O
(43:37):
c D, because I remember when we were in school,
we would like do that thing where you'd be walking
down the hallway and you'd only try to step on
like certain colored tiles and stuff, and like it was
so hard to not do that always. Yeah, what what
is that? When you still see when I turned the
volume knob on the car, without thinking, will run the
(44:00):
act of my finger down the surface of it, and
in my mind, I'm like wiping away fingerprints or something.
I did this once and you said why do you
keep doing that? And I was just totally unaware that
I did it. The thing that babbles me is that
every time we get into the car you turn the
radio off. It's to just I want to I want
to hear the radio like that's well, I gotta pull out.
(44:22):
I don't want to crash. I want to focus. Music
is playing. I think there's crazy. I think everything else
I've said is much crazier than turning the radio off.
You're one of the loudest people I know, and the
fact that you can't that's not even true handle the
radio is weird. Um. I'm working on it. That's been
(44:46):
listeners a lot of knows. This has been another episode
of We Knows Parenting. If you'd like to send us
a listener question or story, if you're or if you
have a would you knows Parenting hypothetical to send us,
you can email those at we Knows pod at gmail
(45:07):
dot com or now brand new. You can leave us
a voicemail to record whatever it is you want to
share with us, and we might use it on the show.
That phone number is three four seven three eight four
seven three nine six. You can also find that number
on all of our social media accounts or website's parenting
(45:28):
dot com Beth, what do you want to Plug? Find
me on Twitter at beth new, or you can find
our personal Instagram accounts, Mind's Beth any w l L,
Mind's mcknin m, I see any n and uh. You
can also check out the story Pirates podcasts for some
very funny kids family entertainment featuring me or at the
(45:53):
Magnet Theater with Trike most Saturdays. Check it out Magnet
Theater dot com. Uh, that's it, that's what we have
to Hey, that's our episode. Oh my gosh, we missed
you already made. H
Hello, Welcome to We Know His Parenting, the parenting podcast
hosted by parents. I'm Beth Nowell, I'm Peter McNerney. I
just want to introduce the listeners to the show. Let
them know that we are surrounded by blankets. Yeah, you
finally figured out the sound issues of this corner of
(00:33):
our living room, and apparently the solution is just to
surround ourselves with blankets. Well, you've actually, in trying to
insult me, given me too much credit, because boy, I
have not solved the problem of figuring out how to
record in your apartment when it is very much not
a studio. Um, But just surrounding us with blankets is
(00:54):
helping a little bit. I know that's what you're all
tuning in for the technical effects of recording a podcast.
I'm going to post a picture of this. Well, we've
also we've chosen basically the absolute worst corner of our
apartment to record out of because there's like five guitars
on the wall. The guitars, they're all resonating sounds back
(01:16):
at us, but it's where my desk is. I don't
want to move. We're committed to finding the most difficult
solution to this problem. Um, shout out to Tristan and
how stuff works. He has to deal with our our
amateur technology. Anyway, big week. This is a very similar
(01:38):
week to what we had about a month ago in
that I took the kids up to Massachusetts by myself.
Actually know this. This is the first time has any
one of us either driven them uh to Massachusetts by
ourself because I went alone last time. You had your
mom in the car. Yeah. Yeah. The thought of it
(01:58):
terrifies me. How the don't be scared. It was no problem.
Our kids are growing up. Um. I drove both ways,
no stops, and they were great, Like Brandon got a
little restless on the way back, but not a ton.
The way there was great except for one minor thing,
which is may even threw up again. And I didn't
(02:23):
know until we got there. She just sat and throw
up for I mean it was a tiny bit, but
in the middle of the like two and a half
hours in, she started crying and I was like, oh,
she's gonna get car sick. So I immediately start looking
for a place to pull over. And she's like, I'm like,
you feel sick. She's like I'm like okay, And I
(02:44):
immediately start looking but it's like a couple of minutes,
so there's any options. And by the time I get there,
I looked back and she's laughing and playing with brand
So I was like, oh, okay, I think we dodged
a bullet there and uh and then they was she
was totally happy. Everyone's totally happy. We get there, and
then as I'm pulling her out, like I already get
(03:04):
her out of the car, she's running and I looked
down in her seat and there's just a tiny little
pool of like chewed up crackers, and I was like,
this is puke. And then I looked and there was
some just down the side of her onto her skirt.
But again, just like last question, threw up when my
mom and I took her, it was not like it
didn't smell like anything. So we I lucked out big
(03:26):
time and she was fine on the way back. It's
the lead up to throwing up that she seems to
hate the most, as most people do. And then she
throws up, and she's like, I mean, pukey is great,
but about to puke is the worst. You come from
a real puke family. You guys love to puke. Well,
(03:48):
I think that's a bit of an overstatement. Um that
I've heard you guys law the benefits of getting the
puke at I mean, we puke for a reason. It's
better to puke than to not puke in a lot
of cases when your body is telling you you should puke. Boy,
do I want to launch into a puke story. My favorite,
(04:09):
real quick one is just the oldest brother first Big
his first big presentation as like an adult at work
the night before. I don't know. I'm sure it was drinking,
but throwing up so hard that he burst all the
blood vessels in his eyes and had bloody looking eyes
for the big presentation at work. I don't know how
(04:32):
it went, but anyway, that was a tangent. The trip
was amazing, Beth. Yeah, no one got sick. Ah, everyone's happy.
We went out to dinner and no kids screamed or
tried to run away. Um, it was a miracle. So
(04:53):
I just want to because all the things I want
to talk about sound terrible, but I just want to
first say it was a wild success that like they
could run around and I didn't need to worry about
them falling down like stairs and stuff as we much
as we had to do in the past. Yeah, every
trip we take it's a little bit easier. But yeah,
this the idea of solo travel with kids still terrifies me. Yeah. Well,
(05:18):
the most exciting part of the whole trip, I think
was we were at dinner and some my dad's cousin
and my second cousin were nearby, so week they came
over and I just locked all the doors so they
could kids couldn't get out of the house. But then
I was able to sit at this one seat at
(05:39):
the dinner table, and I could see all three of
the doors, so I knew that's the only way they
can get out of the house. And you know what,
I nothing in this house is going to kill them.
And they ran around, and I like that. It's like
a hostage scenario or like a steak out. Maven did
then run towards me and just run directly into the
(06:01):
corner of the table at like cheek level. Looked really bad.
It ended up being okay, but it was awesome. So
some things that were not awesome. Uh, Mayven did I
say Beth? I think he said, Maven, Okay, great, your
name is Beth, right, maven Um is defiant, So as
(06:24):
you recall, and the last time we went up to Massachusetts,
Bryn tried to cross the street and he got a
big talking to. And this time, so I was outside
and Brandon Mayven started running around the house and I
was like, oh gosh, and because I don't want to
go on the road, and so I ran after them.
And I saw Bryan get to the road and he
saw that Maven was running towards the road, and Bryn
(06:47):
stopped and I can see that he was terrified, and
you like, Maven, no now, he said this with his body,
like you're not supposed to. I go, Maven, stop, and
you're right. Our kids do not stop when you say stop,
no matter how sturn me and maybe ran into the road.
It's aside, very very small road, so it's fine. But
I ran out how to make a point, like you
(07:07):
do not go in the road dangerous. I don't want
you to get hurt. And she just puts on her defiant,
grumpy face, and then I picked her up and we
walked back to the house. I'm like, you can't go
on the road, and I put her down and started
talking to brand and I turned around and in a
single second, she gets sprinting back to the road. And
she sprints back into the road, it stops, turns around
(07:28):
and just looks at me like, what are you gonna do? Yeah,
she's very defiant, which I kind of relate to she
I don't know if I think you're there for this,
but I don't know if he talked about it, but
she The last time she had that like mad look
on her face that I thought was so funny is
when we were again in Massachusetts and I we're looking
(07:48):
at a family photo of me and my family when
I was close to her age and I was trying
to explain to her that it was a picture me,
and she kept saying, no, that's me, and I was like, no,
that's me, and then I pointed up, they're sure my
mom and I said that's Nana and she said, no,
that's you, and she the look in her face was
(08:10):
so silently angry and confused, like she was like, why
are you lying to me? In her defense, based on
the information she has, she is correct, I understand, but
it's so funny because she's just what are you doing?
It was really funny. We were there and I brought
(08:32):
Brin is too big for a pack and play, but
I brought a pack and play, and he slept in
one and he was fine. And so there were two
up there and they he also had a freak out
at one point, and so for both of them I
had to put them in the back and play and
have them have a little bit of a lone time
because they were freaking out. Maven immediately throws her leg
over the side and gets out and starts slamming on
(08:54):
the door, like I'm almost faster than I was able
to get out of the room. Yeah, this is Brin
hand it out. He's the most place as big as her.
Figure it out on a strength thing, it's an intelligence
thing he is despite his also stubbornness, he's like just
not as resourceful as her and he this happened last
(09:16):
night where she was mad at me. She wanted like
a ton of snacks before dinner in addition to the
two I had given her, and then she threw a
bowl of like raisins on the floor and I was
like annoyed, So I tried to give her time out
in her crib, which she's been threatening to figure out
how to get out of her crib and like hanging
(09:37):
on the rails for she can get up on top.
She's just afraid to jump down. So last night I
put her in there and knew she was going to
be like hanging off the side, but I was like,
let's just see what happens, because she never let's go,
And then a minute later she just walks back into
the kitchen. She finally figured it out. So yeah, I
think there's something too. For an older child, everything is unprecedented.
(10:04):
But from May even she's she's like, I can see
people are capable of things that I'm not, and she
can relate to brand and she goes for it. Where
he's he I think he's even seen her do it
and he can't get out. She's also in some ways
a little bit more of a daredevil, like she likes
to balance on high things and prove her strength. I
(10:27):
get it. The last thing I'll say about the trip,
the big success is that our children love lobsters. Are
you proud? I am, But it sounds so privileged to
say that. I just want the record to state that,
um my cousin and uncle have been lobsterman. So coming
(10:52):
at it from a little more of a blue collar angle,
and we are coming at it from rich dad lobsters,
but my dad was. So, my dad's been to go
into this house since the fifties, since he was a kid.
You know, my whole life too, as his great grandfather's
like cabin and uh so his whole life. You'd go
there and then you'd go down directly to the lobster
(11:15):
guy and uh pick out the lobster, the live lobsters
from the tank. And so this was Brin's first time
going and Grandpa said, Brent, We're gonna go pick up
some lobsters. And of course Brent says, no, I don't
want to go. I don't want to go anywhere ever,
and we go, well, we're also getting ice cream, and
he goes, let's go. So we went and we went
to the lobster place and we pulled out the live lobsters,
(11:37):
and all Brend cared about was a little toy truck
that was on the table, and he's like, have you
seen this toy truck? Because I don't give a crap
about these lobsters. So I got a bunch of steamers
and lobsters. We went home. We cooked him and Bryn
because we didn't talked about it, because he knows about lobsters,
and I was like, you don't eat the shell. It's in.
The meat is inside, and so he knew about it,
and he goes, Daddy, I don't want to eat the shell.
(11:58):
I want to eat the meat inside. I go okay, great,
And he did not want the butter. And because he
said that, Maven did not want butter. Uh, so I
gave him a little piece of crab meat or a
lobster meat and he ate it really carefully, and then
he goes, I like it. I like it, daddy, I
don't want to eat anymore. I was like, okay. And
(12:19):
then Mayven just went with her mouth open like she
does and ate everyone's meal and never stopped until all
the food was gone. Because she's she's my daughter. It's
a beautiful monster. She's little me, she really is. That
was the theme of the weekend, is everyone just pausing
every once in a while and going, boy, she's really
(12:40):
a little Beth and he's really a little Peter because
she was being quiet and shy and defiant and I'm
not defiant to your family. No um, I will say
uh in the vein of Brinn being stubborn as usual,
he um in in all the rest I had during
(13:03):
the three days you were gone. He made up for
it in an incredible tantrum trying to get him home
from daycare last night. Um, and he didn't want to
keep seatbelt on and we were wrestling and um, you know,
barely made it home alive. And then he was trying
to get him out of the car and he was
like drinking a water bottle we found, and I was
letting him come down for a minute, and then I
(13:24):
offered him juice inside and I could see him thinking over.
So I said, well, you have to count of five
to get out and get juice, otherwise there's not gonna
be any juice. And I counted to five and he
got out of the car very quickly. So I think
we need to get more into this counting threat. It's
starting to work. I had a bit of that this morning, um,
because when the routine goes out the window, it's always
(13:46):
going to be hardest. Uh. And so it was like
he's on vacation, and then you were here and the
TV was on and then I'm saying you've got to
go to school and he's like no, And it was
just that we got to school and he didn't want
to go in and I'm mixing up this yesterday and
it's just to sit there and then I go, well,
we're going in, so here are the options. And I've
(14:07):
talked about this before, but now I call this the
illusion of choice. I go, we are going in, so
do you want me to carry you in? Or do
you want to put on your shoes and walk yourself?
And then he doesn't answer, and then I sit there
silently and talk to mabn and I come back to it,
and then he realizes he doesn't care that much. He's
gonna lean up. He's gonna lean up. He's a big boy.
(14:29):
I mean a little bit. He did kick and punch
me a lot as I was trying to keep his
seatbelt on him. Baby steps, baby or now it's time
for we don't know. This is a segment where um,
we share a question. We have something that's perplexing we
(14:51):
don't know the right answer to. But something interesting, UM
happened with brand This is a few weeks ago. Uh,
and it just made me think ahead. And we were
reading some book and there were just a bunch of
like kids on it, and it's like a very like
diverse bunch of kids. And we're talking about each one
and he's I forget what he was saying, but then
(15:13):
he was referring to one of them, and the way
he described it, he goes, no, the brown kid. And
it was the first, you know, any indication of of
of like recognizing race from a three year old. And
this is not something obviously, it was just it was
a descriptor that was apt for identifying this kid versus
(15:35):
the other kid. But we have obviously have not had
that conversation with the three year old um, and I'd
not that I think we should, And I'm I don't
think it's a good idea to be like, hey, three
year old, let me put an idea into into your
head that is making you think of people differently at
this stage, which much more important I think is having
(15:58):
him exposed to a diverse group of people in his
life so that everyone is is normal. And then but
the question for me that I have looking ahead is
how I don't think there's a specific answer to this,
but what is the appropriate way to talk about race
(16:22):
and all the implications of in the history in this
country with a kid that isn't putting stereotypes in their
head at an early age and asking them to see
people differently before they can fully understand what that means,
you know what I mean. Yeah, I don't necessarily have
all the answers to this, because I do agree that
he's kind of at an age where it might be
(16:43):
doing more harm than good to try to explain that
to him. Yeah, definitely. Um, And I think luckily he
is around a bunch of people that are not white
on a regular basis, so he's like sort of that's
sort of part of his normal. But I know, like
there's a big movement of people trying to encourage everyone
to disregard the like I don't see color narrative that
(17:07):
we grew up with in the nineties, which is just
like encouraging white kids to not think about race is
actually a pretty bad idea because then they're not aware
of racial inequality or their own biases, and they're not
trying to like correct this. Well, it's also an impossible
thing because by saying don't don't identify it, you're identifying it,
(17:29):
like well, because I think we all have a lot
of like racial biases on a subconscious level. So to
not try to consciously correct that is to just allow
the system to remain broken. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
obviously grew up in not diverse environments northern like we
(17:50):
both grew up in pretty segregated cities Chicago and Boston. Yeah,
but I don't know my les. My best friend growing up,
her mom was Puerto Rican, and we had I don't
want to go into a much of attention, but we
had a program in her town where they would bust
inner city kids into the suburbs to get a better education,
(18:11):
and we were what was called the host family. So
we would host one of these students, and he was black,
and so he would stay in our house a lot,
and he was like, you know, part of a family
or like friends, you know. So I think those experiences
have like influenced my perspective tremendously, and I feel like
very lucky to have had those people around, especially because
(18:34):
my best friend's mom, who was Puerto Rican, would openly
talk about the biases that she had encountered in her
life and how frustrating that was, and that's just it's
nice to like to have grown up knowing that that
was a part of someone's life and to be aware
of that from a young age. And I think what
I'm happy about with our kids. I think they're in
an even more diverse environment at an even younger age
(18:56):
than I was, and and you know, they're speaking Banish
a daycare and stuff like that. But so I would
hope we can find a way to continue that, whether
we're stay in this town or move somewhere else. And
I would hope that they are able to speak more
about race as they grow older than I was, which
is I think is like the cultural trend that's happening now. Yeah,
(19:19):
it's it's fascinating because you know, I grew up in
a very liberal minded environment on in terms of you know,
diversity and how you treat people, but it was a
very segregated place, and that my interaction with people of
(19:39):
color was our cleaning lady who were who was like
around my whole childhood and we loved. But that is
a very specific relationship and the rest of it was more,
you know, my my dad and my my parents would
do these like adopt adopted child sort of third world
country programs, and he would make a point of showing us,
(20:01):
like these letters that these kids had written. But it
was very elsewhere. It was not it was not a
personal experience. And if you know, because not everybody. It's
not realistic for some people to be like you just
go be around people that are not like you, um,
and then that is a great experience. But yeah, I
(20:25):
mean I think that's like a step forward, but it's
like not all the way there in the sense of like,
you know, if you have people of color around but
they're only working for you, or you are you know,
with a with the adopted kids sort of thing, it's
like it sort of encourages this like savior complex that
a lot of us white people have that I think
is like, you know, again, we have to like sort
(20:47):
of actively erase that from our brain. This woman I
know actually wrote an article this last week called can
White Women Help Build to Progress the Future? And then
she talked about how sorry this is in the nation
if anyone's looking for it, But she talked about these organizations, um,
like like Isaiah, which are trying to help these white
women sort of be more more progressive in the sense
(21:13):
that they're like able to get more done and like
reach across to people of color and actually be helpful.
And a big part of that is like erasing this
savior complex from our minds and speaking to people as
like human beings and equals and people who oftentimes have
more knowledge about a given topic than we do. So, UM,
(21:35):
I don't know. I think that's really interesting and like
hopefully we can all Yeah, and obviously, uh, you know,
for for a lot of people, um, for whatever your
situation is, you live in a specific place, you're surrounded
by a specific group of people, you might not have
that you know, adopting a child and that sort of stuff. Obviously,
(21:58):
that's all great, and like doing the best you can
to educate yourself is great. But if you do have
that opportunity to actually get to know people and to
meet people face to face, that's you're gonna be able
to build real empathy when you actually are talking to
a person and hearing about their experiences. And it's not
it's not always easy because you have to go most
(22:20):
a lot of people have to go out of their
way to find those those opportunities. But and I think
there's more opportunities than we're aware of because again I
think like this, a lot of liberal white people I
think have this fear of like saying the wrong thing,
are doing the wrong thing, and so then they just
like don't engage with race at all like you're like that,
don't I don't see color thing. And so for example,
(22:40):
like you know, you see other kids on the playground
and their parents families there, and you like are afraid
of saying or doing the wrong thing or acting like
this like smug white person, so you don't even try
to approach them or like let your kids be friends
with them. And it's sort of like it's little things
like that that I think just like create this further isolation. Yeah,
(23:05):
and again I think our kids, hopefully we'll just simply
know people that are different than them and then those
things don't become issues because you have that experience. Hopefully, Yeah,
I mean, I don't know. I was thinking about this
recently with us, where I was like, oh, maybe we
have a blind spot here because you know, obviously we're
(23:28):
terrible scheduling play dates and don't do it. But like
I'm afraid of all people and I don't want to
know anybody. But like the only kid kid that Brent
has had a play date with is like his white
friend from daycare, And like I was like, oh, we
should try to be better about well, we haven't tried
(23:50):
at all. It's It's true. His dad was the one
that made that happen, and um, we haven't, but I
think it's something to be aware of as we sort
of like enter the new era of our kids being
older and having real friends. Yeah we are adults. Um cool. Yeah,
I guess we solved that problem. Yeah. This next segment
(24:17):
is called did you know? This is where Peter shares
a parenting related fact. Oh I got a fact and
it's related to my week. So this um uh, this
article comes from Oh shoot, I forgot to write it down. Sorry, sorry,
no credit. Um This study is about a study from
(24:41):
the Monash Monash University in Australia. The I don't know
how this is pronounced. Monash University Accident Research Center found
that driving with children is a full twelve times more
dangerous then I guess driving by yourself. So this For this,
they installed cameras and cars and they identified every moment
(25:04):
that a driver was distracted that their eyes left the road.
They found talking on the phone only accounts for one
percent of distractions. Distractions from children meanwhile accounted for twelve
percent of all distractions Over the course of an average
sixteen minute trip. Parents that had kids present spent three
(25:25):
minutes and twenty two seconds with their eyes not on
the road. One major and previously unrecognized distraction is kids
in the back seat. Duh, you've turned back there. The
most frequent forms of distraction were drivers turning around to
interact with their kids in the backseat or looking at
them in the rear view mirror, taking place in seventy
six percent of cases. Parents engaged in conversation with children
(25:48):
sixteen percent at the time, reached into the back seat
to give the child food or or drinks seven percent
at the time, and even played with the child played
with the child one percent at the time. Of the
ninety trips study, distracted drivers took place in uh. Distracted
driving took place in ninety of the cases. The presence
of a passenger in the front seat showed no difference
(26:09):
in distraction level. So are you saying it's not safe
for me to drive? Well, my son is trying to
squirm out of his seat belts and I'm holding him
by the leg and screaming on him. Uh nope. Is
are you saying that it's also not safe for me?
So I was worried about maybe getting car stick on
the way back, and I thought maybe one reason was
(26:31):
we have those little shades on their windows to block
the sun, but that gets in her way of her
field of vision. I think you get less carsick when
you can see the horizon. Yeah, it's hard because sometimes
then the sun is like directly interface. Well, the sun
was in Brent's face and he broke his so there's
nothing at it. But I was driving and I was like,
I need to put that shade up, and so on
(26:52):
the highway, I unbuckled my seatbelt, reached all the way
back to the back sea eat opposite side, to the
very top of the window, to the far right side
of the window to press the button to raise the
thing up. And it was very dangerous, and when I
got back in my seat, the car was going thirty
(27:12):
five on the highway, so I almost killed all of us.
But Mayven didn't throw up on the way back. Very safe.
But the study goes on. I mean this is sort
of one of those like no ship studies. It also
does not offer any solutions. Well, the solution is like
you pull over and you're it takes you nine hours
(27:37):
to drive somewhere, So we're not we're not solve this problems.
But texting is more dangerous. Yeah, well, we don't text
when we're driving. Previous research had found that driving while
texting to be six times more dangerous than driving while
high on marijuana, were intoxicated. That was blew my mind.
(27:58):
Is that texting texting now accounts for more fatalities suffered
by teenagers while driving than drink than drunk driving. That
makes perfect sense to me, because you can be drunk
and still be like sort of functional. But if you're
fully taking your eyes off the road, obviously you cannot
write that needs that requires your full attention to write
(28:21):
a sentence and to do do the right keys. I mean,
I've done it, and it's insane and it's super stupid dangerous.
Shouldn't do it. We're not endorsing drunk driving, though. Just
what we should do is you should give your phone
to your child to text for you, because whatever they
write will make as much sense as your text that
you try to write while you're driving. Also, phone calls
(28:44):
still exists. Yeah yeah boy, remember no barely. I should say.
It's also really hard to text when Maven with a
giant novelty sized boxing globe punches you in the hands
and you drop your iPhone onto the stone path and
(29:06):
it breaks. Another thing Brune was doing to me last
day was throwing his shoes at me while I was
trying to drive, which is what a monster? Oh boy, anyway,
did you know? Don't? I guess? Don't drive with your
kids is the solution. The next segment is called would
(29:31):
you Knows? This is where we posit hypothetical parenting situations
to one another and discuss how we'd handle them. Beth,
I got one for you. Are you ready to play? Yes? Enthusiastic?
All right. This one comes to us from Jonathan. Jonathan
wants to know your child is a math and science
genius and Ivy League colleges are trying to recruit them
(29:55):
at a mirror four years old. She could find the
cure for can't here, but how would she deal with
college life? This is so hard to relate to because
we've literally never whispered a word of math or science
to our children. Oh I've been whispering a lot of
math to brand. He knows addition and subtraction. Yeah sort of, No,
(30:18):
he does. We did it with lobsters anyway. So okay, okay,
So here's the thing. A four year old you can't
go to college. It's just not well, it wouldn't be.
We're not going to send them to a dorm. But
let's say in this scenario they have proven themselves to
be a genius and they are actually have shown the
(30:42):
potential for like real good and change in the world.
I don't know how this is not actually possible. Well,
of course not um, but so the world is like,
please give us access to your child, like they don't
need school, school needs them. Uh, can they come to
this university? The only way I think I can live
(31:06):
with this as if the school is providing like a handler,
because I, like, I cannot imagine being one of those
people who have like a child, actor kid, and then
you just drop your career and you like take over
your kid's career, Like I just that's so actually the
first thing I thought. And there's nothing more miserable to
me than like just being in service of someone else's
(31:26):
desires all day, which I guess that is what a
lot of stay at home parents do. But do you
realize that's that's a lot of our life right now.
It is. But I at least have like a shred
of myself. But I'm able to work during the day.
I it's so okay. So let's say it's Yale. Okay,
they're in New Haven, we're in Westchester, and they want
(31:48):
Maven to go up there three times a week. And
she's doing and there's she's there's a lot of articles
being written about her, she's famous. Do you let do
you let this happen? She might care cancer. It depends
on if there's someone available to like be her caretaker,
and if that is someone I trust, because again I
(32:09):
don't know. I keep having to bring it back to
like child actors and like you know, child gymnasts and stuff,
where they're so often preyed upon by people in those industries,
and it just doesn't it's hard to trust that. Well,
I would say no, you would just say no. I'd
(32:31):
say that we got time. If we had like a
different career, I could see. I could radically see a
situation where we move somewhere for the sake of our kids,
if we're able to still like work and have lives. Obviously,
what's so hypocritical about what I just said is that
we are exploiting our children by doing this podcast, but
we're exploiting them in the ways that we enjoy. Yeah,
(32:53):
but also it doesn't involve any of their time. No,
they're still doing the same thing they'd be doing. Boy,
they're going to hate this when they get older. Oh,
it's going to be here forever. Brendan Maven. I just
don't think anyone's gonna care. Well, what's crazy? You know?
So when you're When I first started acting and I
was on sets for the first time, Uh, the hardest
(33:17):
part for me was giving up sort of that part
of my brain that would just go, oh, I'll take
care of it, like where am I supposed to be?
And when you're an actor on a set, you just
have to give into the ignorance of someone's gonna tell
me when to get up, somebody's gonna tell me when
to move, and I just have to be here and
turn off the part of my brain that's trying to
be proactive. And what happens is that you just, even
(33:43):
if you're being humble, you can't help but feel like
you're the center of the universe because there's all these
people just being like, you're great, No, there, we need
to keep you calm. And if you're a child, this
is truly confusing when everyone around you is treating you
like with with kid gloves and you'd like, everything's taken
(34:03):
care for you. I would never people ask me like
brins so funny, would you have him take him on auditions? Never?
No way, like when he's if he really wants to
do that, when he's older, we can figure it out.
But uh, like child actors, I get it, Like what
a miserable Yeah, it creates a weird social bubble, especially
(34:28):
with the really successful ones that, like you're saying, there's
just like a lot of yes men around them, and
it's just like that that's their brain is still in
such like a formative stage. I can't imagine. Oh yeah,
Like I remember, so we were at Serious XM story
Pirates when we used to do our old radio show
and we would record it live, so we'd be in
a big studio it's like a fish bowl with glass
(34:49):
all around and even a circle, and we were in
the middle of recording this story and then suddenly we
hear the on the glass and we look and there's
this like what looks like I was just middle school
punk with his face up on the glass and his
mouth is just going like wow, and we're like, who
the hell is this? And then I look and I have,
(35:11):
and behind him are just like ten adults, all smiling
and just being like condoning this behavior, and I was like,
the hell is going on? And then he pulled his
face off off the glass, gave a thumbs up, and
walked away, and that's when we all realized it was
justin Bieber. It's funny because that's exactly who I was
thinking of during this discussion because we watched that documentary.
(35:34):
I think you were with me about him being a kid,
and it's like he starts out as like this sweet
kid who just loves music, and he seems like a
pretty nice kid. But then through the course of the documentary,
you just see all these people around him letting him
like make a mess out of the craft services and
like laughing at his high jinks, and it's like, I
(35:56):
don't know, there's a degree of letting kids be kids.
That's fine, but it's just he clearly does not understand
the world the way the world works. Yeah, and it's
a weird moment. And obviously he thought that we were
like a talk show, so he was giving us something
to talk about, so like it wasn't trying to ruin anything,
but you could just feel this, like my natural impulse
is like, you know, there's a reason why we all
(36:17):
hate thirteen year olds. I mean, I don't know that
this scenario would translate perfectly to sending your kid into academia,
because I don't think people are the same. But uh,
but I think the point well, first of all, we
don't all hate thirteen year olds, but there is some
watching home videos of myself of kids, you're like, oh,
(36:40):
kids are really funny, and like puberty hits and they
immediately like your impulse towards them is becomes like, come on,
shut up, you're not funny. I think there's an evolutionary
thing that, like, is makes adults push the kids out
of the nest a little bit more like you're not
cute anymore, so we're gonna give a little bit harsh
(37:00):
like you're annoying, or we're going to treat you that
way so that they become independent. There is actually an
evolutionary thing where, um, I think when boys hit puberty,
they I might beginning this wrong. It's like there they're
scent or something becomes disgusting to their mother's like it's
(37:21):
like mother nature. No, no, it's well, this might also
be true but father's scent becomes disgusting to their daughters.
When the daughter said, yeah, but it's like preventing evolutionarily
is preventing inbreeding. Yeah, I mean that's a good one.
I hope that I stink to my kids. I don't
think that will be a problem. I've already got it covered.
(37:44):
Um So you know what, curing cancer is going to
have to wait, Jonathan, until Maven can make that choice
for herself. Our kids aren't going to college until people
start stinking. This question stinks, No, it doesn't. It's great,
Thank you, Jonathan. All Right, we have one more segment.
(38:10):
This is Listeners want to Knows where we read some
listener mail and uh, I just really liked this story
that somebody sent to us, and I want to try
to steal part of it for our real life. So
this was it comes to us from Christine. I'm gonna
read her email. When my kids, both girls were small,
a young two and four and a half, my husband
(38:31):
and I traveled by airplane from Texas to California. Yep,
my dad paid for the trip. Anyway, during takeoff, they
would not sit still, even though they each had their
own seat no car seat on airplanes. Then did they
do that? Now? I don't know. Some people do, but
we don't. Anyway, I just wanted them to sit in
(38:52):
their seat nicely during takeoff, so I told them that
we were about to take off and that they needed
to push the button on their arm rest to help
make the airplane go fast enough to get into the
air I said that everyone had the same button and
it was everyone's job to press their button to help
take off. They sat very still in their seats and
we all pushed the buttons repeatedly, very fast, until we
(39:13):
felt the wheels leave the ground. And then I said,
that's good, we can stop. Great job, girls, and they
sat back in their chairs, thinking they had really contributed
to the flight. They continued to do this button this
button pressing for every flight we took, even though I
never told them about it again. They just remembered amazing
until one flight when my kids were eight and ten, yes,
(39:38):
six years later, we were flying Southwest, which did not
have a signed seats, so we were not able to
sit together. My husband sat with the youngest near the
back of the plane, and I sat with the ten
year old near the front. My husband had been working
a night shift and was very tired from this early
morning flight, so he was trying to close his eyes
and fall asleep during takeoff. When the eight year old
saw that he wasn't pushing his button, she started to
(39:59):
push is and hers, and he told her, baby girl,
please stop pushing my button. It's making my seat go
back and I need I needed for takeoff. Ding lightbulb
moment for the eight year old. Mom lied to us
about the button. It only makes the back the seat
go back. So we landed at the first stop and
we did not have to change planes. But after the
(40:19):
plane emptied, my husband, an eight year old got old
got up to move to the seat behind us. When
we started to take off for the flight for California,
the ten year old was there pushing her button fast
and furious. And then the eight year old peaks between
the seats and said, hey, you don't have to really
push the button. It actually only makes the seat go back,
big grin. The ten year old stops pushing the button,
(40:42):
looks at me in anger, and I nod in giggle
and say that's true. Uh so funny. At the moment,
oldest kind of mad at the youngest, and the youngest
so happy. The youngest was really proud of herself for
a while, but eventually they both decided that they were
mad at me about a that quote unquote lie. By
the time they reached high school, they realized how funny
and difficult little kids are, and they really only told
(41:04):
them once and they did it on their own after that.
Pretty sure. I'm sure my youngest will do that button
pressing or something similar for her kids someday. Not ready
for grandkids yet now her kids are one and three.
Um wow, that's a great idea. I don't know if
(41:24):
our kids would care. Oh, Brim would care, and then
may even would see Brin do it, and she would
do it, and I am very much going to do
Also a chance of it backfiring depending on your kids
anxiety levels, and then just fearing for the plane to fail,
you know what, I don't Our kids are not afraid
of things. The Rseshoe crabs on. The last time we
(41:47):
flew with Brin, he was at a very specific age
where being trapped in an airplane was very like, very
much a threat to him and he was like freaking
out the whole time. Yeah, well, I mean he was
freaking out because we wouldn't let him get out of
his seat. I don't think he was aware. Also like
the sound and like the environment, like you could tell
(42:10):
it was just like making him feel crazy. Maybe I
think it was more the the needing to be patient
and sitting still, But you might be right. I think
I think we're gonna be on a plane in November.
Uh and uh. I am going to do this. I'm
going to create lies and see how long they can last.
Thank you, Christine. If you if you discover that there'sn't
(42:33):
been any residual trauma or damage from this, please let
me know before I damage my kids. I can't believe
that they stuck with it for so long. Ten is
like pretty old. I can't. Boy, this is a weird thing.
But when I was little and we would drive the
Cubs games, I started doing this thing where when I
(42:57):
drove on one side of the road, every time went
by a light post, I would have to crunch push
my big right toe down, and in my mind I
was going under the light post and then I'd have
to go lift my toe up to go over things
like fire hydrants. And I did this until I got
(43:17):
my license when I was driving more, and it would
become this obsessive, endless thing where my toe would be
jumping over and under objects that we passed in the car.
It was very I don't want to be little. I
was gonna say O c D, but I probably shouldn't
be little real sd D. I think a lot of
little kids have that sort of like low grade O
(43:37):
c D, because I remember when we were in school,
we would like do that thing where you'd be walking
down the hallway and you'd only try to step on
like certain colored tiles and stuff, and like it was
so hard to not do that always. Yeah, what what
is that? When you still see when I turned the
volume knob on the car, without thinking, will run the
(44:00):
act of my finger down the surface of it, and
in my mind, I'm like wiping away fingerprints or something.
I did this once and you said why do you
keep doing that? And I was just totally unaware that
I did it. The thing that babbles me is that
every time we get into the car you turn the
radio off. It's to just I want to I want
to hear the radio like that's well, I gotta pull out.
(44:22):
I don't want to crash. I want to focus. Music
is playing. I think there's crazy. I think everything else
I've said is much crazier than turning the radio off.
You're one of the loudest people I know, and the
fact that you can't that's not even true handle the
radio is weird. Um. I'm working on it. That's been
(44:46):
listeners a lot of knows. This has been another episode
of We Knows Parenting. If you'd like to send us
a listener question or story, if you're or if you
have a would you knows Parenting hypothetical to send us,
you can email those at we Knows pod at gmail
(45:07):
dot com or now brand new. You can leave us
a voicemail to record whatever it is you want to
share with us, and we might use it on the show.
That phone number is three four seven three eight four
seven three nine six. You can also find that number
on all of our social media accounts or website's parenting
(45:28):
dot com Beth, what do you want to Plug? Find
me on Twitter at beth new, or you can find
our personal Instagram accounts, Mind's Beth any w l L,
Mind's mcknin m, I see any n and uh. You
can also check out the story Pirates podcasts for some
very funny kids family entertainment featuring me or at the
(45:53):
Magnet Theater with Trike most Saturdays. Check it out Magnet
Theater dot com. Uh, that's it, that's what we have
to Hey, that's our episode. Oh my gosh, we missed
you already made. H
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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