November 6, 2018 • 52 mins
With only two major tantrums and zero planning Beth and Peter declare victory on Halloween. The family goes out to lunch with Grandma and Grandpa where Peter and Beth fight about whether to use YouTube to keep Bryn at the table or not. Peter then traumatizes Bryn by telling him that someday he’ll have to move out. Beth and Peter answer some listener mail about the unintended message of gender reveal videos and how to deal with a toddler that cries whenever anything changes. Finally, Beth shares an article about accepting compromise in both your family and work life for the sake of the other. Also, a lot of candy is eaten. Like, a gross amount.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hello, Oh my gosh, dueling. Hello, Hello, Hello, hello, and
welcome to our production of Book of Mormon. Welcome to
We know Peter McNerney and I'm Beth Newell. And uh
we did not agree on who was starting this episode,
(00:33):
and I think we I think that was perfect. Um
here we are, we can review, Beth, it's been it's
been a good week. I think. Yeah's exciting things. What's
pops out in your mind? Well, the big thing is Halloween.
We talk about Halloween. Um, we talk about the prep
for it a little bit, but we didn't talk about
(00:53):
it because it didn't happen yet. You're right, it didn't
happen time, you know, so you know it was a
classic Halloween tale. The kids dressed up, they got candy,
they ate candy, They got a little too wound up.
Um with book ended in tantrums. So we had no
plan for Halloween beyond you were on top of the costs.
(01:17):
The good news is I panic ordered their costumes in
like September because I was like, you know what, I'm
not gonna want to think about this later. Let's just
have a backup plan. Yeah, you've been on top of
costumes every year and I asked Brian what he wanted
to be, and he said about And I was like, well,
he'll probably take this back halfway through the month, but
at least I have one costume here before everything goes
(01:38):
to ship and uh, you got a bat costumes and
it was Duck, you duck with his desire to be about,
which really was great. And Maven was pepper Pig and
seemed a little indifferent to the costumes, more into it
when we first got the costume, and then by the
time Halloween rolled around, she was sort of like, yeah,
my Pappa costume. But as soon as she walked out
(01:59):
that door and realized what Halloween was all about again,
she was to it. Yeah, she was like she had
She immediately turned on her little maniacal giggle, like it's
like quietly to herself, but she realizes what's happening, and
she just very quietly it is like, I need to
get off the candy, and this is not a time
(02:20):
to get attention. Someone might take the candy. Yeah, she
put her head down, she got the candy. We came
back inside after doing um three buildings in our coop complex,
which is not not huge. Um there's a lot of
doors closed together, and everyone's given out candy. It's a
lot of candy real quick. It was efficient, and they're
(02:41):
at a good age where I mean, well, I I
don't know good age, but they're at an age where
they have very little stamina for trick or treating. So
it begins an end. They burned hot and bright and quick. Yeah,
which is kind of nice. It's nice to just be like,
all right, we did it. So Maven walked up the
stairs back into our door, sat down on the floor
right in the middle of the hallway, put her back down,
(03:01):
started digging through it, ate lollipop, put the Loi pop
down on the ground, started opening more candy. She was
I found ready half eaten lollipops in several places, and
her just trying to rip open these packages with such
She really is my daughter, and there's really a lot
of focus around treats, and I understand it. She she
(03:24):
there was no point where she was like now I
can celebrate. It was all like I need to get
through this because I don't know what it's going to end.
But she was calm about it, like she was just focused,
Like she was like and now I'm going to sit
down and read my reward, whereas Bryn william Brand and
his friend who came nicely. His dad brought him over
(03:44):
to so well, I'll say we should rewind a little
bit because two hours before trick or treating, I was
going to pick them up and I realized none of
us had a plan. So I texted Brian's best friends
parents are friends. I was like, you guys want to
come over Beer's Pizza Halloween. And luckily they had no
plan either, and so we've scraped it together last minute
(04:08):
and they came on over. I really enjoyed how quickly
and easily the plants came together. It was my kind
of planning. Yeah, well, I I really have to say
we got very lucky with We've said this before, but
Brin's friend's parents are very nice, low key, relaxed people,
and it just makes such a difference. I feel bad
(04:29):
because my best friend was simultaneously texting me about her
Halloween night and she had been coerced into trick or
treating with another couple that had a kid, and she
hated them, and I was like, that sucks, and like
their kids like having a candy melt down and they're
handling it terribly which like, I know, it sounds like
I'm just being a judgment to old parent. But the
(04:50):
longer story I'm not going to tell is just she
paints a picture of terrible people that she had to
spend the night with. Um, so we were so lucky
there are I had. I I'm you know, because I
part of me is afraid of everyone. And so after
I started texting, I was like, should I have done this?
Was this too much trouble? And I is this an imposition? Uh, gosh,
(05:11):
maybe we should have done this? And then they're like,
oh no, they're the coolest, They're great, and they yeah,
it was like so Bryan. So Brin's friend came over
and the first thing that happened is they had a
full screaming match about not sharing toys. Uh, and it
was a total like you're not my friend anymore type
(05:32):
of thing. But this is again why it's so nice
to have other parents that are relaxed, because even when
I think we sense each other being uncomfortable, there's kind
of a mutual understanding that like, kids are just like this,
and they are like I think they are confident, we're
not judging. I'm fairly confident they're not judging us for ourselves.
I am absolutely certain that the only fear in the
(05:55):
room is is like looking bad in front of the
other person. No one is judging anyone else, and that's
ultimately why it's so great. Yeah, that was like. The
other nice thing about this, these plans coming together so
quickly is that, um, sometimes when we have people over
our houses, I have to say almost too clean because
maybe the cleaning lady just came, and I feel like
(06:16):
people think that I then expected their house to look
like that when I walk in. So the nice thing
about this night is that they came over and our
house was pretty much a mess, and I cleaned it
up in a little bit. It wasn't an embarrassing mess.
It was just like the last two times they came over,
it had coincidentally just been after the cleaning lady. Yeah,
(06:37):
so I was starting to feel like they think we're
super anal um and so it was like, actually, my
parents came over this weekend right after the cleaning lady
and I it was great letting them think that we're
so put together. Yeah, I mean your parents. I don't
think they would care one way or the other, not
at all. It's fine. But um yeah, anyway, it just
(06:59):
feels good to to like be like, see, we're also
a mess. Sometimes it's uh, that's so sort of the
opposite fear people have. It's like, oh, thank god the
apartment was dirty, so they so they know we're not weirdos. Well,
I just so they're not stressed. I think everyone has
their own weird anxieties they're working with. And my thing is,
(07:21):
because we live in a two bedroom apartment, I can't
handle like chaos because it's like I feel like claustrophobic,
like I'm in too in closed the space. And if
we had a bigger house and there was a messy playroom,
I think I would just shut the door and you know,
go to other rooms. But we don't, so I feel
like we're pretty like uptight about the organization because I
(07:45):
just want to walk in and not be like in
constant chaos. Um yeah, I know. And and so anyway,
my my anxiety then becomes am I making people think
I'm a crazy lunatic up type person. My two best
friends growing up moms were like super particular and neat
(08:09):
and organized, and I felt like minded me would always
break some antique they had just bought that. The scary
thing for me is like if I was a stay
at home mom, I think that's who I would become,
and just like all my focus would be going into
the house and I would just like be constantly following
(08:30):
the kids around, being like, why is this not clean?
What are you doing? Don't put that down? You know what?
Like I just I think we've got a good balance.
I know that, Like if this place is cleaner than
you expected to be when you get home, we're going
to have a great night together. Uh. And it's like
more on me a lot of the time. And I
think you not having that's exactly what saves you from
(08:53):
the fate you exactly you were just talking about it's
more on you to what I'm that like that the
last minute dishes, pick up stuff on like during the
week because you're usually coming home after they go to bed.
Oh Okay, I don't fully understand what you're implying, but
(09:15):
well I'm afraid to dig into it. So are you
saying that? It sounds like you're saying you do more.
You know, it's a really fun thing about Halloween when
Britty came over, so I will say we went they
went trick or treating, and Brin and his friend were
like over the moon excited about being out, to the
point where they pretty quickly into it went into like
(09:38):
full Halloween mania where they were just screaming at the
moon in pure joy and running away from us in
a way there was a little dangerous and just falling
in the grass and like maniacal. Yeah, and we could
tell like we gotta get them inside, right, And then
Brin saw his friends from school and his front Yeah,
(09:59):
it was just like there's a lot happening. It's weird
because we don't see our neighbors a lot because we're
just not like hanging out outside friendly people. We're not
friendly and um, but there's a lot of little kids.
And then it's only on Halloween that you really fully
realize what a big community of like kids and parents
there are like right at our doorstep that we're not
(10:20):
taking advantage of. You knock on a door in the
opening and it's like, oh, it's you. You live a
hundred feet from me. Yeah, And then so then it's
like total chaos because all these little kids a running around.
You're like, oh, I should be like saying how to
this person connecting with them, but like my kids running
into the street and I'm just whatever, I would say.
My favorite woman whose door we knocked on, I've seen
(10:42):
a few times, met her. She's very nice, but she
would say something a little bit weird. We came to
the door and she was like, oh, so cute. You know,
we used to take pictures everyone, but you can't do
that anymore because now you're a weirdo. I love it well.
I was also like, imagine trying to get these kids
to stand still for a picture. I think the funny
(11:02):
The other funny thing about our co op is that
there's all of these older people who have lived here
since they had kids here, and they raised their kids here,
and they when they were raising kids here in like
the seventies, I don't know, eighties. I have no sense
of how old anyone is. Our next door neighbors definitely
with raising kids here in the seventies, her kids. Yeah. Anyway,
(11:25):
so they lived in a time when most people were
stayed at home moms, and they were like this tight
knit community of moms that were all hanging out together.
And they told me, like they there's like a sort
of reck room that no one really uses here. That
you can rent out for birthday parties. And they were like,
oh yeah, years ago we turned that into a daycare,
(11:46):
and like it's just like they had such a tighter
community that I'm like jealous of, but also like I
wouldn't want that life. You know, we want we want
everyone else here to have that life so we can
benefit from it, but we don't want to participate. That's true.
I want to be a madman husband. That's the dream. Um.
(12:10):
I was gonna say me too, um, but well, sorry,
good luck, I don't. The other exciting thing that happened
this week is Grandma and Grandpa showed up. My oldest
brother ran in the marathon. Um. He has several times
and I've never gone to watch him do it, and
I feel really guilty about it. Um. Seven years ago,
(12:33):
my mom made me cry about it. I have already
argued this with you, But to say she made you
cry for something that you did to her that then
she made you feel bad about I do. We'll see.
Here's what I'm not explaining when I say that, because
I realized now it sounds like she was mean or something.
But she called me, she called me out, and the
(12:55):
fact that my oldest brother has come to a million
of my shows and that I have not come. Watched
him in the marathon on and she was upset by it,
and I was like fine, and I hung up the
phone and I burst into tears because my mom yelled
at she was right, that's not all you did. But
I'll leave it at that. That's the short version. I
take full responsibility. She was right, and that's why I cried.
My mom got mad and I disappointed her. Anyway, also
(13:19):
didn't go this year, Um, but children and all that.
I had a better excuse than I had seven years ago.
So your parents came up here for the afternoon from
the airport, which was very nice. Um, they had a
great time, had a great time just popping in. I
love that our kids loved their all their grandparents and
like FaceTime. So my parents lived in Chicago and I
(13:41):
FaceTime with my mom like all the time. And so
my parents Brittain may even know them really really well,
and uh, they would not be the case. You know,
ten years ago, I was facetiming my parents. Well, Britain
and Mayven were in the stroller last night and we
were side and they brin talks on the phone, like
(14:04):
he's a fifty year old man, and he's just like, like,
my parents were like, how's it going, And he's like, well,
it's funny out, but it's getting dark and he gives
like a weather report. He's like, it's getting colder. I
don't know, and like and then he like he was
I was telling my parents that your parents had just
(14:25):
sat by and that Michael is running the marathon and
they and Britton was like, I told Michael, just don't
stop running, and he like it was just repeating, Like
the way he tells the stories is ridiculous. His tone,
and when we were y about that marathon is just
gotta keep running. When we were with your parents and
(14:47):
we went out to get launched with them, and Brin
walks into the restaurant and he just like saunters in
like he owns the play is the correct word. He's
like swinging his arms like just survey in the room.
I'll be like, Trish, how are you ye? Just see
how the kids He's like, um, you guys serve chicken fingers,
Like he that's like how he talks to servers. Like
(15:09):
when we went we went through the McDonald's drive through,
I don't know if I already said this on here,
but with you and he like, he's just like, hey, um,
we're getting who's were taking care of those chicken fingers? Okay, great,
thank you? Just catch up. I don't like the dressing
or anything. I just like catch up. Um and he did.
He did great. Yeah, and then oh my god, I
(15:30):
need sorry. If I just remember something, go ahead, keep going.
I just got excited. You and I got into a
classic fight, which is that I wanted to enjoy my
meal and let him watch uh something on the iPhone
because he was literally under the table, crawling all over
the dirty restaurant floor, and you wanted to not do that.
(15:50):
Um yeah, I had a I had a full freak
out in that moment, and that you gave him YouTube
and the volume was playing too loud and I and
I was I felt paralyzed, right. Nothing makes me more
uncomfortable when anyone is playing music out loud. I don't
know why. But then it ended up being so funny
because he was watching Dematokosita on YouTube and are Waiter
(16:12):
comes over, who's this Hispanic guy? And we were both
so apologetic because the volume was a little too loud.
And I was like, I'm sorry, um and I was
like trying not to interrupt the order. And then he
was like clearly delighted that brand is watching this video
and he's like, oh, is he trying to learn the dance?
He's like, oh this this guy was so jazzed connected
with a four year old because I'm trying to get
(16:34):
the dance for what is it? What is it calledaa I.
If you don't know what we're talking about, you can
go to our Instagram. You can also go to YouTube
and search for Dama to cosita. UM. So, Bryan got
a little restless at the end of the meal and
he was walking around, so I went outside with him
(16:55):
and we sat down on a bench and I don't
know how it came up, but he was like, uh,
So I started explaining talking about grandma and Grandpa, and
I was like, you know, I used to live with them,
you know, and then I moved out. And then I
I casually mentioned the like someday, when you're maybe twenty two, uh,
you might have to live on your own. And I
(17:17):
saw him process the idea of moving out and his
he immediately got lower lip quivering looking at me, and
it was terrifying, and he goes, you don't want to
move out? But I was like, oh no, no, no,
you not. And I first tried the it's going to
be in such a long time and when your twenties probably,
(17:38):
and he goes, I don't want to and I finally
ended up happening to be like, brind you can live
with mommy and Daddy for as long. His conception of
time and numbers is so funny now because like he
tries to negotiate things without understanding what's bigger than what,
so like you'll be like, okay, three more books and
then he's like one more book. Like he just doesn't
(18:01):
really understand the negotiation. He's like, I will have a
blue house when I'm a hundred and he was getting
so he got mad at me because I was saying,
Maven's bed is going to ship here. She's getting the
same twin bed as Brian, and I was explaining that
to him, we're going to get that, and he was like, no,
I'm going to get a bunk bed because you told
him we should get bunk beds, or you said that
(18:22):
in front of him after I had already ordered a bed,
and he kept arguing that he's going to get a
bunk bed and I was like, no, Maven's getting the
same bed as you. And then I was like, maybe
someday I'll get a bunk bed and he was like.
I was like, well, maybe you'll get a bunk bed
when you're seven. And he was like, I'll get a
bunk bed when I'm eleven. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure,
(18:45):
a great job. Yeah, and then he just kept being
and then he was like, when I get a bunk
bed when I'm eleven, it'll be it'll be bigger than
Maven's bed, right, And I was like yeah. I was like,
you got a buddy. He told me about beds, was like,
Maven's bed is coming, and he goes, remember remember when
you got this new bed. He goes, yeah, I used
(19:06):
to have a brown bed and I was like it
was the crib. He's like, no, I had a brown bed.
I was like, yeah, that Maven's crib was your old bed.
And I saw him piecing together memories and just not
enjoying what I was telling him. He's like, no, no, no.
I also might have been thinking about a past life,
just saying okay, you're okay. The chances that he had
(19:30):
a brown bed in a past life are like, I'll
give you this, Uh, if he had a past life,
the chances of him having a brown bed are very
high because I would Now it's time for did you knows?
This is where one of us reads a thing, learn something,
(19:53):
and shares it. Beth, So, I wanted to share this
article that W. Kmal Bell wrote from and Health if
you don't if you're not familiar with com out Bell,
He's a funny comedian, really smart guy. Um has a
TV show on CNN. I think I don't know if
it's a long but yeah, well I think he has
another show coming out anyway. He wrote this article for
(20:15):
Men's Health. So the article is called w com out
Bell on the secret of raising multiple kids and the
thing this article he is admittedly dealing with like a
four month old at the time. He's like writing this
late at night, and he's not He's got three kids, right,
I believe he has three kids, at least at least
three kids and he so he's writing this under thank
(20:38):
you he has um three daughters. He's writing this probably
late at night in between things. He tweeted this Saturday,
saying like he doesn't remember writing this, but he claims
it's one of the best things you ever said. So
a lot of this article is like the joke is
that he doesn't really know what he's writing. He's too tired.
But the takeaway from this of the secret to raise
(20:59):
and kids, I think one of my takeaways from this
article is he has a part or his tip is
except diminishing returns. And he talks about how well, I'll
just read it, being a parent is like a fire truck.
Can a fire truck put out one house fire? Of
course that's exactly what it was made to do, but
can a fire truck put out two house fires at
the same time? Uh? And he goes on, So I
(21:22):
think that's such a great attitude, and I think it's
sort of my philosophy honestly towards playing Domaticosita on a
phone in a restaurant is like, you can, you know,
control so much in so many environments and so many
things during the week, but at a certain point you
just have to be like, I'm doing my best and
I'm containing this fire, you know what I mean? Yeah,
(21:45):
I mean, if anythink anyone listening to this podcast or
any of them any of the reviews we get make
it clear that you subscribe to this philosophy. I think
I just think for a lot of us, I think
most people, most people who have kids, are working parents,
and there's really only so much energy you have in
the course of a week, and so you have to
be like, Okay, if I'm having a good day, I'm rested.
(22:08):
Maybe my kids are getting a healthy meal or at
least some healthy things in their diet, and having the
craziest day of the month. That is not the day
I worry about what I'm feeding my kids. That's when
I just feed them enough calories to get to the
next day. Uh. Yes, you aim for an ideal. I
(22:30):
mean this is I think we uh have. We're both
good at in in similar and very different ways. If
that like, okay, yeah, let's aim for solid principles, and
I think and forgive ourselves when we fail, and you
kind of find your own minimum. Like I feel like, Okay,
(22:50):
Sunday night, we're all generally fairly rested, the kids have
been home all day. That is when I try to
do at least one bath per week, and I try
to squeeze in another bath towards the end of the
week or the middle of the week with the kids.
But and I just hope that you do that, because
that's a thing I never did. You never worry about that.
(23:11):
And I'm not blaming you, because there's a lot of
other things you do worry about, but getting our kids
clean is not something you worry about. No, And but
it's also though, I mean, obviously we I think we
have a pretty good balance right now of responsibility. And
there are certain things that have become like our our
(23:31):
specific jobs. Yeah, well I noticed that you sometimes I
think I have I have to say, trained you to
care about certain things. Yes, there a lot of effort,
and there are things, there are things that still extend
beyond the realm of your comprehension of caring about on
a day to day basis. I'm open to what my
(23:54):
philosophy is Like, I try to pick this, pick up
the slack in those areas and not the ones that
I know you at some point will take the reins on. So,
for example, I know that you at a certain point
will unload and load the dishwasher, but you will very
rarely go around the apartment and pick up dirty glasses
and plates. So I just try to herd all the
(24:16):
dishes towards the kitchen, and I feel sort of confident
that we'll have this ecosystem under control. That makes a
lot of sense. Well, here's the thing. I know that
I do that, and I think of it a lot,
but it's always after I've started the dishwasher, and then
I go in the next room and like, god, damn it.
I also know, like, for some reason, you will take
(24:38):
out the trash, and usually you'll take out the recycling
at a certain point. But will you find garbage and
break down boxes and get it to those points? Not necessarily? Um,
sometimes you're right. I think I'm pretty good at pretty
(24:59):
great at garbage and recycling. That's my jam. Well, I
just think we're I'm just saying you're not bringing the
garbage to the garbage. That's true. I do get I
do have attention blindness where I'm like in that like, oh,
I'm looking for a certain thing in a certain area,
and then I'm so so overly focused on that thing
(25:21):
that obvious things beyond that's great. It's like I look
at my task through binoculars. That's why I try to
herd the chaos towards the kitchen. Yeah, I think that's
a good plan. And I know, like there are definitely
things I know you do more than me. And I've
talked about this before, like baths is the big one
(25:42):
that I know I'm just like not covering. But the
other thing is I also know I always just you
don't know what you don't know. Well, yes, that's what
I'm about to say, is that I always assume that
there's a hundred things that I am completely oblivious to,
and so I try to overcompensate for these this like
(26:03):
thing I'm blind to. Yeah, but sometimes you talk to me.
For example, in the earlier segment where you kind of
change subjects, he talked to me as if I'm not
doing anything. But I really think you were very unaware
of how much I am handling. Um. Again, I agree,
I know, I know that, Uh, my brain truly believes
(26:27):
that I deserve more credit than I do, and I
accept that. Anyway, this article was really I loved it.
There's some great jokes in it if you guys have
time to read, just in terms of uh, somewhere where
he was like making a list of things and he
(26:47):
was like this and this and insert third funny thing,
and it was a great um. This reminded me of
how I got through a several papers in school where
I'm like, I don't I basically have the idea, but
if I make my teacher laugh, I can literally fill
up another paragraph. And that's what I kind of loved
(27:08):
about him. What I love about him sort of like
halfheartedly writing this article and being like this is good
enough for now, is it's proving the point of the
whole article is like, you know, sometimes you're phoning it
at works, sometimes you're phoning it at home, but there's
just no way you could always be a d percent
in every area of your life. And I like, I
(27:29):
just love that it was the article really spoke to me.
It's and it's not a don't try not say you
do the best you can and you forgive yourself. And
that's something he also says in the article. He's like,
you know, can I do everything at home? No? Can
I do everything at work? Like he's saying like he
needs to work hard enough at work to make enough
(27:49):
money for his kids to live, and he's and that's
like just a very practical thing of like, you know,
some you can't always be the best employee when or
a parent, but you do need to be mindful of
keeping your job. Most of us don't have the luxury
of not having an income. Find I think, how I
(28:11):
have changed in my work since having kids, is I
used to be way more of the Oh, I'm going
to discover a thing that the company or I'm working for,
like hasn't thought of, and I'm going to go a
hundred ten percent and build a whole new thing that
no one asked me to do. And I sort of
go zero to a hundred and I show up. I'm like, hey,
I built this thing that would have taken forever and
(28:34):
I can't do that anymore. And so I've changed as
an employee and that I'm like, I'm not blowing anyone's mind,
but boy, am I picking the right battles now? And
I'm used to be dependable For some reason, Parenthood really
gives you understanding of when you're a value add to
(28:55):
the place you're working at, and like when your time
is worthy because you know you can't do it all
anymore and you just have to pick your battles. And
it's I find the same thing where it's like, you know,
sometimes I leave an hour early to get the kids,
and maybe I make that up later, maybe the the
needs are not that high on that given day. But
(29:16):
you you just know, like, Okay, I put in my time.
I am additive in this place and right now. Uh
And yeah, it took me a while, though, I will
say when we first had kids, my performance is certain
tasks suffered. I suddenly became undependent, not dependable, because I
(29:40):
used to be able to finish it whenever, and then
suddenly I couldn't and I had it was a big adjustment.
But also you're stretched too thin, and I think that's
been for both of us, I think, but especially you,
because I think you like to devote a lot of
time to your work, like that's your natural rhythm. As
we try to take every free or you have and
(30:00):
be working with people, and you sometimes choose things that
are not super valuable to you or other people just
because you want to be there. It's like fomo, I've
had you know, I've realized I have had this view
of myself that I'm not I sort of feel like, oh,
I'm lazy and I don't do all the work and
(30:22):
everyone people are going to find out. And then it
takes me a while to realize from you and other
people that like, oh, no, you work in all the time.
It's just I have weird hours, and so I'm like,
you're right. I think I do work a lot, but
my fear of being lazy keeps me good at it.
Oh gosh, now people are gonna know, really, I am lazy.
(30:44):
I'm not doing anything except editing this podcast for at
lease tomorrow. I'm gonna be up till one in the morning.
One in the morning. Now, maybe midnight Daylight Savings is great. Maybe. Hello.
This next segment is called Listeners want to Know. This
(31:06):
is where we take your questions and comments. I like
that you introduce that with a hello, welcome back. It
feels like welcome back because we both just went to
the kitchen and made old fashions for ourselves. It's true,
and everyone else probably just listened to a great ad. Yeah,
become back, guys, welcome back by that stuff, by that stuff,
(31:27):
or listen to that show whatever it was. Um, I'll
bet it's great. Um. So, we got a whole bunch
of great listener mail recently. I just want to say,
by the way we getta we're getting so much listener mail,
which is you know, the heart of the show and
thank you guys. We don't always have time to respond
to it, but if you read them, and it's very
(31:49):
we read everything that's sent to us, and I haven't.
I have intense guilt about all the emails I have
not responded to, and a lot of them are on
the list that I'm like, oh, we want to talk
about it this sometimes, so I haven't responded. If I
haven't responded, yeah, I'm meaning to respond with and we
love that you guys are engaged. Sometimes you guys are
replying to topics we've covered on the show, and because
(32:11):
we've already covered it, we're we're not trying to talk
about it too much and move on to other things,
so we might come back to it. But UM, it's
not that we didn't appreciate your comments. It's just that
we don't want to talk about the same thing on
five different Episodes' so professional, that's why, Because we're so professional,
and this is all about the listeners, you know, UM
(32:32):
and UM, and thanks for all those reviews guys. UM.
They make us feel so pretty UM. So this email,
there's actually two things in this email that I want
to talk about. They come to us from Matt from
Long Island. UM, and so I'm gonna read um one
(32:52):
of them, we'll talk about, and then I'll read about
the second part. Matt wrote in in reaction to the
finding out the gender of the baby segment that we
did with his own story about how he and his
wife UM had different opinions and then over times switched
in the end. UM, but I'm gonna skip that, UM,
(33:14):
but just know that it was great. And Matt writes
one quick aside, btw, I do feel that folks need
to be a bit more private with their gender reveals.
I've seen countless videos online of failed attempts to hit
a baseball or even worse, one parent almost exclusively the
dad being visibly disappointed by the result. I can't imagine
(33:38):
the guilt I would feel if my younger daughter watched
a video of me being anything but thrilled that I
was having a daughter. If you aren't truly excited for
your pregnancy, regardless of the gender, maybe don't invite twenty
people to reveal your gender and live stream it on Facebook. Okay,
down from my soapbox. And then he has a real question,
but I wanted to talk about that, Okay, So that's like,
(34:02):
I it's hard to talk about this without offending someone.
So I will say, first of all, I expect everyone's choices,
but I'm about to insult. Here's who I'm going to insult.
The thing. I totally get what he's saying about people
being unenthusiastic about the gender in the moment when they discovered,
because the type of people who do gender reveals oftentimes
(34:24):
not always people who are performing parenthood rather than experience. Like, Oh,
I hear what you're saying, but I'm also offended for
some people that are hearing us. And I don't like,
I don't think everyone who does this as a horrible person.
And I know you know, it's just sometimes you just
(34:45):
do fun traditions for no reason. Peter and I did
uh the garter toss that our wedding because we didn't
know any better. It was just we were young and
we thought that's how weddings worked, and so we third
thing I mean, but stay is throwing a book. People
with tasteful weddings don't do that now, but we didn't. Okay,
(35:12):
you're you're great too. We're not judging you on this
one thing. I'm just saying at the heart of it.
Gender reveals a year when a lot of us are
waking up to the fact that gender is a construct
and that you know, there's a spectrum of our gender
presentation and our sexuality and all of these things. It's
(35:34):
a very unnecessary tradition we have, uh, sort of given
to the world. Yes, I think in through that lens
of whether intentionally or unintentionally, Uh, what that event can
say is this is like, this matters one way or
(35:57):
the other. But where I think it is potentially a
very positive thing is like, again I've talked about this before,
is that when the gender is revealed, there is something
that shifts in your brain where it's the person you're
picturing in your head doesn't exist and it's not correct.
But knowing one detail about that person that you didn't
(36:21):
know inherently like creates a more intimate relationship with this
person in your head, and it feels biases you towards them. Yes,
that is the negative side, but regardless of all, it's
all false because you haven't met them. But there is
a feeling of intimacy and excitement connected to even the
(36:42):
imaginary person. So I think that impulse getting excited and
wanting to know and eager to meet this important person
in your life is a very valid and beautiful thing.
And I think I have no problem with people wanting
to know. It's just that a gender reveal, as people
tend to do it, is a performance of finding that information,
(37:05):
and that's like that's giving it extra weight, and it's
saying like we care more about what this person's gender is.
Like I think that is the that's the messaging that
I think it's making it feel like a momentous thing
of like this might make or break this person. And
(37:27):
it's like it's just I mean, is it any I
mean yes, the answer is yes. I was gonna say,
is it any crazier than a baby shower? No, because
it's not just you know, some people do it in
just a lightweight where it's like pink or blue balloons whatever.
They're just finding out other people Middle America, like Christian America,
(37:50):
these are generalizing. I'm not generalizing. Once again, I'm referring
to something you haven't read up on that I have.
In Christian America, these gender reveals will be like I
can't remember the specifics, but very specific corner of Christian America.
We don't want to over generalize. Keep keep going, Oh
my god, chill the funk out, just let me speak. Um.
(38:12):
The the gender reveal will be like is it guns
or pink? Like they will label the It'll be like,
I can't I wish I could remember the phrasing because
they have like a rhyme that makes more sense. But
it's like, do you have a girl and is your
life ruined? Or is it a boy and you win?
(38:33):
They're like, do you have there's a rhyme that I like,
fully fucking up on that I said, much more satisfying.
But yeah, it's like is it dresses or is it
jerking off on the subway? Like it's just like really
like does he have a pickup truck or is he
just sitting pretty at home? Like it's just like very
(38:54):
like it's the messaging of the gender reveal is like
the are camps that you will be divided into and
you have to behave this way for the rest of
your life. Um listeners, your challenge this week is to
write a better version of whatever the hell that is right?
Please write them next week. I want to read ten
(39:15):
of them are really offensive over generalization of gender that
implies that boys are great and girls are a disappointed.
Is your baby redneck or is it a red uh? Um,
(39:37):
that's that's fantastic. Um. So yes, I think those types
of gender reveals are terrible. Uh but I but that's
like the lot a lot of them. That's like the
tone of gender, that's the inherent tone of a gender. Yeah,
even even the I think it's like us with the
(39:59):
garter throw ing, there's an unintended message in us doing that.
It was out of ignorance of like, oh, this is
what people do. That is a message. It was an
unintended message. And I think a lot of gender reveals
are because that has been done and people aren't thinking
about the messaging of it. Yeah, and I don't, and
it's probably fine most almost all the time. Again, I
(40:20):
don't think we want to sound super judgmental. I don't
think like obviously we're sitting in our like media towers
analyzing the things that people do, and other people are
just trying to live their lives. And I don't think
you have to think about the messaging of everything you
do all day every day. I'm just saying this trend
overall sort of speaks to a larger cultural idea of
(40:41):
how we think about gender. And there's a Matt makes
a great point that you know your face is designed
to show exactly what you feel. And in a moment
of saying it's a girl. And even if you didn't
realize until that moment that you were sort of hoping
for a boy, that shows up on your face. You
(41:03):
didn't realize until that moment that you thought inherently that
boys are more deserving of love than girls. And then
we're all witnessing you feeling it. This is a study.
Somebody has to go. Somebody go online and find a
bunch of these videos. And it's because I want to
see dad's faces disappointed that they had a girl, whether
(41:28):
they realize it or not, that like that that there's
an inherent bias in some people that maybe that is
the moment they realize it. They probably don't even realize it,
but we witness it in their emotions and on their face.
Oh my gosh, listeners, I got a lot of work
for you this week. Can someone not only come up
with funny ideas for gender reveal party names, but also
(41:50):
can you make a compilation of YouTube videos of reluctant
Dad's experiencing gender reveals. Please send it to us. Thank you,
We love you. Will credit you on guest. Second half
of Math's email. Um, the first half, first half. The
first half was great. Um, this is me stalling as
(42:11):
I scrolled. You're drinking old fashions. What's the next question? Why?
I just reminded an earlier version of this podcast. When
we were developing it, I had an idea where we
always have a different drink and we start the podcast
by saying, Beth, what are you drinking? And Yeah, Peter
wanted to introduce our podcast in the very first episode
by having a meandering conversation about the drink he was drinking.
(42:36):
We know nothing about booze. Yeah. So I don't know
if you're looking for a podcast where Peter just kind
of rambles about what's in his cup, let us know,
come on over to Peter's cup. Okay, So here's the
other half of it. Um, Okay, I have a question
(42:59):
for you. My wife and I are struggling with our
toddler's separation, anxiety and looking for pointers. Matthew screams and
resists any activity that results in being separated from whomever
or whatever is with him at that moment. Examples of
this include anytime we drop him off somewhere or someone
(43:21):
picks him up and he knows we won't be with him.
Anytime someone who is over leaves, even if it's not us,
and even if we are both there. I cries when
his nanny leaves every day, anytime we are leaving in
the family pet or all his toys can't come with us.
Anytime we arrived somewhere and try to remove his jacket
slash shoes. While we don't feel he is affected by
(43:44):
the separation anxiety, affected by separation anxiety disorder, and in
most instances he readjusts within five minutes. Our biggest fears
with school. This September, Matthew began his first drop off
program that meets two hours a day, two days per week.
His his teacher claims that he is fine within a
few minutes, but we cannot help but notice that out
of nine children, Matthew is the only one left um
(44:08):
who still cries and refuses to get in the classroom
after about eight weeks slash sixteen classes. It's sometimes sets
off one or two of the other kids, and we
are becoming self conscious about it. Really interested to hear
your advice and other listeners advice on how to help
him through this. I feel he is a very intelligent,
intuitive child and we don't want this getting in the
(44:31):
way of his further development. Thanks and all the best
to you, Brennon Maven Matt from Long Island. Thank you, Matt. Um.
I have a short answer. Okay, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine. My inclination with questions like this
is always like, this is a phase that will pass
and it has very little meaning. But I also think
(44:53):
like someone in my mom group posted something about this
recently where her her daughter was getting really mad and
jealous when she would hug her husband and just wanted
to be included in everything, and it was it was
really cute, but it was just like some sort of
weird reaction that like toddler's or I don't think it's
a toddler she's decribing, but young kids have. This child
(45:14):
is two and a half. Yeah, so in toddler's it
makes perfect sense. But what someone said to this woman
in my mom group is like, have you You've been
traveling a lot lately, so maybe she's just feeling a
little bit insecure about like where she stands, the amount
of attention she's getting, whatever. I think that's the thing
(45:35):
with kids, Like sometimes I've heard people refer to it
as like refilling the well or whatever. When you're like,
for example, you're like at home all day with a toddler,
either it's Saturday or you're a stay at home parent,
and you're like at your wits end and they're just
clawing all over you. Sometimes if you just give them
(45:55):
that reassurance that you're there for them, if you spend
twenty minutes like just very actively playing with them, they're
over it, and then they're like they feel more secure.
I mean, I guess that's the basis for attachment parenting
or whatever, which I have read nothing about. But you're like,
you make your kid feel secure in that attachment to
(46:17):
you and like you're not trying to leave them constantly,
even though sometimes you are, and you just you feel
that well, and then they feel secure and then they
will let you go about your business as usual. You know. Yeah,
I mean, obviously, uh, we're not there or no, we're
talking about um because that's our thing. That's your response
(46:39):
to what I just said, is that we don't know
what we're talking about. I mean, we don't know that
it's right, but well, also it's a toddler, so sometimes
their behavior makes no sense at all. Yes, I mean
I connect to so many things you were talking about.
It took a long time to it's still I can't
quite get out the door without both of my kids
insisting that they take something. This morning, it was both
(47:01):
of them needed to leave with their summer water shoes
on their hands so that they could walk like elephant.
That's the kind of stuff though where I'm like, okay, cool,
like this is doable, thank you, we can work with this.
But when this request I love. When brit was two
to three and even into three, getting out the door
(47:22):
was all negotiation, all crying. He hated to switch. I
have to quickly say, our kids have suddenly fallen in
love with their water shoes in November, which are not
warm shoes. They're full of holes. They're fine, like if
you're wearing socks under them, it's fine, but it's just
it's like it's getting to be winter and our kids
(47:43):
are like, oh, I gotta put on these water shoes anyway.
But I think also the thing I would think was
a challenge is their son is going to play group
twice a week. That is not that's like so spread
out if you don't get into routine. Our kids go
to daycare five days a week, and every time there's
(48:04):
something new, they would freak out for three days. And
I would get through these things because I just be like,
long with stay calm, and I'm not going to show
any an. I'm not going to show them that I
am distressed. And then just three days in a row
of saying no, we're doing this, we're doing this, we're
going and that's when they would get over. It's a
(48:25):
hard thing to give advice on because for some people,
you know, two days a week or two hours of
preschool is all they have, and financially they can't justify
hiring someone to watch their kids to do you know
what I mean, Like some a lot of jobs these
days just do not pay enough for people to justify
(48:45):
the cost of like full or part time childcare means
it's going to take longer. So it's just yeah, it's
you have to have a lot of patience I think
in having that kid get out there. But I do
like I think sometimes you have to remind yourself, like
it's like ripping off a band aid. And maybe if
you're kid is only doing it two days a week,
it's a little bit of a slow rip off of
(49:07):
the band aid. But the fact that you started the
process is progress and you will be able to get
away from your kid. Yeah, and so long as is
you are not reflecting back at them their own distress. Um.
You know, especially when you have to say goodbye to
(49:28):
a kid, it's very clearly that like positive, I will
see you later, I love you, goodbye, kiss, and then
you turn and you go. And the more you draw
it out, they more it validates their fear and the
I mean the thing the reason why I immediately was like,
it's gonna be fine is that as you say, within
five minutes, he's fine, Well, that's nine times out of ten.
(49:51):
I think that's like the report parents get from the
caregiver is like, oh, after five minutes, he was fine.
And then there's like occasionally that one kid that's just
it tastes longer for them, and that's again just like
another part of the process, like you have to know
that that's your kids, Like that's what your kid is. Like,
you know, you got you got a beautiful sensitive boy. Yeah.
(50:14):
I mean, well, I I do really think and this
is like we spoke to this in terms of having
a meeting with take care about bran and his needs.
Is like all your kids have different needs and you
just have to sort of figure it out as you go,
like they're all totally different people. Oh my god, you
know what we're doing tomorrow? What parent teacher conference? That's right,
(50:36):
Oh my gosh, you guys have that to look forward to.
We're also voting. We're gonna drop our kids off, We're
going to vote, and then we're gonna go talk about
bran um with pre K. We're gonna go vote for
some people who hopefully care about families. This has been
(50:56):
We Knows Parenting. You can find me at Beth New
on Twitter. You can find Peter at McMinn uh. Find
us on Facebook at the We Knows Parenting page, on
Twitter and Instagram at we Knows Pod. And if you'd
like to submit a question, share a story, or to
send us that awesome gender reveal poem that you're writing
(51:17):
right now, you can email us at we Knows Pod
at gmail dot com or leave a voicemail at three
four seven eight four. Also, please visit our website we
Knows Parenting dot com. You can also find their phone
number there, or buy a t shirt from our merch store.
We got some funny shirts for the holidays. And UH
(51:39):
rate and review this podcast on the Apple Podcast. We'll
subscribe and subscribe. We want to. We want to bump
it up the charts. We hit number nine this week.
Thanks guys, Thank you. Until next time. I'm I've been
Peter McNerney and I have been in Sphil and Beth
are new. Signing off, goodbye, goodbye,
Hello, Oh my gosh, dueling. Hello, Hello, Hello, hello, and
welcome to our production of Book of Mormon. Welcome to
We know Peter McNerney and I'm Beth Newell. And uh
we did not agree on who was starting this episode,
(00:33):
and I think we I think that was perfect. Um
here we are, we can review, Beth, it's been it's
been a good week. I think. Yeah's exciting things. What's
pops out in your mind? Well, the big thing is Halloween.
We talk about Halloween. Um, we talk about the prep
for it a little bit, but we didn't talk about
(00:53):
it because it didn't happen yet. You're right, it didn't
happen time, you know, so you know it was a
classic Halloween tale. The kids dressed up, they got candy,
they ate candy, They got a little too wound up.
Um with book ended in tantrums. So we had no
plan for Halloween beyond you were on top of the costs.
(01:17):
The good news is I panic ordered their costumes in
like September because I was like, you know what, I'm
not gonna want to think about this later. Let's just
have a backup plan. Yeah, you've been on top of
costumes every year and I asked Brian what he wanted
to be, and he said about And I was like, well,
he'll probably take this back halfway through the month, but
at least I have one costume here before everything goes
(01:38):
to ship and uh, you got a bat costumes and
it was Duck, you duck with his desire to be about,
which really was great. And Maven was pepper Pig and
seemed a little indifferent to the costumes, more into it
when we first got the costume, and then by the
time Halloween rolled around, she was sort of like, yeah,
my Pappa costume. But as soon as she walked out
(01:59):
that door and realized what Halloween was all about again,
she was to it. Yeah, she was like she had
She immediately turned on her little maniacal giggle, like it's
like quietly to herself, but she realizes what's happening, and
she just very quietly it is like, I need to
get off the candy, and this is not a time
(02:20):
to get attention. Someone might take the candy. Yeah, she
put her head down, she got the candy. We came
back inside after doing um three buildings in our coop complex,
which is not not huge. Um there's a lot of
doors closed together, and everyone's given out candy. It's a
lot of candy real quick. It was efficient, and they're
(02:41):
at a good age where I mean, well, I I
don't know good age, but they're at an age where
they have very little stamina for trick or treating. So
it begins an end. They burned hot and bright and quick. Yeah,
which is kind of nice. It's nice to just be like,
all right, we did it. So Maven walked up the
stairs back into our door, sat down on the floor
right in the middle of the hallway, put her back down,
(03:01):
started digging through it, ate lollipop, put the Loi pop
down on the ground, started opening more candy. She was
I found ready half eaten lollipops in several places, and
her just trying to rip open these packages with such
She really is my daughter, and there's really a lot
of focus around treats, and I understand it. She she
(03:24):
there was no point where she was like now I
can celebrate. It was all like I need to get
through this because I don't know what it's going to end.
But she was calm about it, like she was just focused,
Like she was like and now I'm going to sit
down and read my reward, whereas Bryn william Brand and
his friend who came nicely. His dad brought him over
(03:44):
to so well, I'll say we should rewind a little
bit because two hours before trick or treating, I was
going to pick them up and I realized none of
us had a plan. So I texted Brian's best friends
parents are friends. I was like, you guys want to
come over Beer's Pizza Halloween. And luckily they had no
plan either, and so we've scraped it together last minute
(04:08):
and they came on over. I really enjoyed how quickly
and easily the plants came together. It was my kind
of planning. Yeah, well, I I really have to say
we got very lucky with We've said this before, but
Brin's friend's parents are very nice, low key, relaxed people,
and it just makes such a difference. I feel bad
(04:29):
because my best friend was simultaneously texting me about her
Halloween night and she had been coerced into trick or
treating with another couple that had a kid, and she
hated them, and I was like, that sucks, and like
their kids like having a candy melt down and they're
handling it terribly which like, I know, it sounds like
I'm just being a judgment to old parent. But the
(04:50):
longer story I'm not going to tell is just she
paints a picture of terrible people that she had to
spend the night with. Um, so we were so lucky
there are I had. I I'm you know, because I
part of me is afraid of everyone. And so after
I started texting, I was like, should I have done this?
Was this too much trouble? And I is this an imposition? Uh, gosh,
(05:11):
maybe we should have done this? And then they're like,
oh no, they're the coolest, They're great, and they yeah,
it was like so Bryan. So Brin's friend came over
and the first thing that happened is they had a
full screaming match about not sharing toys. Uh, and it
was a total like you're not my friend anymore type
(05:32):
of thing. But this is again why it's so nice
to have other parents that are relaxed, because even when
I think we sense each other being uncomfortable, there's kind
of a mutual understanding that like, kids are just like this,
and they are like I think they are confident, we're
not judging. I'm fairly confident they're not judging us for ourselves.
I am absolutely certain that the only fear in the
(05:55):
room is is like looking bad in front of the
other person. No one is judging anyone else, and that's
ultimately why it's so great. Yeah, that was like. The
other nice thing about this, these plans coming together so
quickly is that, um, sometimes when we have people over
our houses, I have to say almost too clean because
maybe the cleaning lady just came, and I feel like
(06:16):
people think that I then expected their house to look
like that when I walk in. So the nice thing
about this night is that they came over and our
house was pretty much a mess, and I cleaned it
up in a little bit. It wasn't an embarrassing mess.
It was just like the last two times they came over,
it had coincidentally just been after the cleaning lady. Yeah,
(06:37):
so I was starting to feel like they think we're
super anal um and so it was like, actually, my
parents came over this weekend right after the cleaning lady
and I it was great letting them think that we're
so put together. Yeah, I mean your parents. I don't
think they would care one way or the other, not
at all. It's fine. But um yeah, anyway, it just
(06:59):
feels good to to like be like, see, we're also
a mess. Sometimes it's uh, that's so sort of the
opposite fear people have. It's like, oh, thank god the
apartment was dirty, so they so they know we're not weirdos. Well,
I just so they're not stressed. I think everyone has
their own weird anxieties they're working with. And my thing is,
(07:21):
because we live in a two bedroom apartment, I can't
handle like chaos because it's like I feel like claustrophobic,
like I'm in too in closed the space. And if
we had a bigger house and there was a messy playroom,
I think I would just shut the door and you know,
go to other rooms. But we don't, so I feel
like we're pretty like uptight about the organization because I
(07:45):
just want to walk in and not be like in
constant chaos. Um yeah, I know. And and so anyway,
my my anxiety then becomes am I making people think
I'm a crazy lunatic up type person. My two best
friends growing up moms were like super particular and neat
(08:09):
and organized, and I felt like minded me would always
break some antique they had just bought that. The scary
thing for me is like if I was a stay
at home mom, I think that's who I would become,
and just like all my focus would be going into
the house and I would just like be constantly following
(08:30):
the kids around, being like, why is this not clean?
What are you doing? Don't put that down? You know what?
Like I just I think we've got a good balance.
I know that, Like if this place is cleaner than
you expected to be when you get home, we're going
to have a great night together. Uh. And it's like
more on me a lot of the time. And I
think you not having that's exactly what saves you from
(08:53):
the fate you exactly you were just talking about it's
more on you to what I'm that like that the
last minute dishes, pick up stuff on like during the
week because you're usually coming home after they go to bed.
Oh Okay, I don't fully understand what you're implying, but
(09:15):
well I'm afraid to dig into it. So are you
saying that? It sounds like you're saying you do more.
You know, it's a really fun thing about Halloween when
Britty came over, so I will say we went they
went trick or treating, and Brin and his friend were
like over the moon excited about being out, to the
point where they pretty quickly into it went into like
(09:38):
full Halloween mania where they were just screaming at the
moon in pure joy and running away from us in
a way there was a little dangerous and just falling
in the grass and like maniacal. Yeah, and we could
tell like we gotta get them inside, right, And then
Brin saw his friends from school and his front Yeah,
(09:59):
it was just like there's a lot happening. It's weird
because we don't see our neighbors a lot because we're
just not like hanging out outside friendly people. We're not
friendly and um, but there's a lot of little kids.
And then it's only on Halloween that you really fully
realize what a big community of like kids and parents
there are like right at our doorstep that we're not
(10:20):
taking advantage of. You knock on a door in the
opening and it's like, oh, it's you. You live a
hundred feet from me. Yeah, And then so then it's
like total chaos because all these little kids a running around.
You're like, oh, I should be like saying how to
this person connecting with them, but like my kids running
into the street and I'm just whatever, I would say.
My favorite woman whose door we knocked on, I've seen
(10:42):
a few times, met her. She's very nice, but she
would say something a little bit weird. We came to
the door and she was like, oh, so cute. You know,
we used to take pictures everyone, but you can't do
that anymore because now you're a weirdo. I love it well.
I was also like, imagine trying to get these kids
to stand still for a picture. I think the funny
(11:02):
The other funny thing about our co op is that
there's all of these older people who have lived here
since they had kids here, and they raised their kids here,
and they when they were raising kids here in like
the seventies, I don't know, eighties. I have no sense
of how old anyone is. Our next door neighbors definitely
with raising kids here in the seventies, her kids. Yeah. Anyway,
(11:25):
so they lived in a time when most people were
stayed at home moms, and they were like this tight
knit community of moms that were all hanging out together.
And they told me, like they there's like a sort
of reck room that no one really uses here. That
you can rent out for birthday parties. And they were like,
oh yeah, years ago we turned that into a daycare,
(11:46):
and like it's just like they had such a tighter
community that I'm like jealous of, but also like I
wouldn't want that life. You know, we want we want
everyone else here to have that life so we can
benefit from it, but we don't want to participate. That's true.
I want to be a madman husband. That's the dream. Um.
(12:10):
I was gonna say me too, um, but well, sorry,
good luck, I don't. The other exciting thing that happened
this week is Grandma and Grandpa showed up. My oldest
brother ran in the marathon. Um. He has several times
and I've never gone to watch him do it, and
I feel really guilty about it. Um. Seven years ago,
(12:33):
my mom made me cry about it. I have already
argued this with you, But to say she made you
cry for something that you did to her that then
she made you feel bad about I do. We'll see.
Here's what I'm not explaining when I say that, because
I realized now it sounds like she was mean or something.
But she called me, she called me out, and the
(12:55):
fact that my oldest brother has come to a million
of my shows and that I have not come. Watched
him in the marathon on and she was upset by it,
and I was like fine, and I hung up the
phone and I burst into tears because my mom yelled
at she was right, that's not all you did. But
I'll leave it at that. That's the short version. I
take full responsibility. She was right, and that's why I cried.
My mom got mad and I disappointed her. Anyway, also
(13:19):
didn't go this year, Um, but children and all that.
I had a better excuse than I had seven years ago.
So your parents came up here for the afternoon from
the airport, which was very nice. Um, they had a
great time, had a great time just popping in. I
love that our kids loved their all their grandparents and
like FaceTime. So my parents lived in Chicago and I
(13:41):
FaceTime with my mom like all the time. And so
my parents Brittain may even know them really really well,
and uh, they would not be the case. You know,
ten years ago, I was facetiming my parents. Well, Britain
and Mayven were in the stroller last night and we
were side and they brin talks on the phone, like
(14:04):
he's a fifty year old man, and he's just like, like,
my parents were like, how's it going, And he's like, well,
it's funny out, but it's getting dark and he gives
like a weather report. He's like, it's getting colder. I
don't know, and like and then he like he was
I was telling my parents that your parents had just
(14:25):
sat by and that Michael is running the marathon and
they and Britton was like, I told Michael, just don't
stop running, and he like it was just repeating, Like
the way he tells the stories is ridiculous. His tone,
and when we were y about that marathon is just
gotta keep running. When we were with your parents and
(14:47):
we went out to get launched with them, and Brin
walks into the restaurant and he just like saunters in
like he owns the play is the correct word. He's
like swinging his arms like just survey in the room.
I'll be like, Trish, how are you ye? Just see
how the kids He's like, um, you guys serve chicken fingers,
Like he that's like how he talks to servers. Like
(15:09):
when we went we went through the McDonald's drive through,
I don't know if I already said this on here,
but with you and he like, he's just like, hey, um,
we're getting who's were taking care of those chicken fingers? Okay, great,
thank you? Just catch up. I don't like the dressing
or anything. I just like catch up. Um and he did.
He did great. Yeah, and then oh my god, I
(15:30):
need sorry. If I just remember something, go ahead, keep going.
I just got excited. You and I got into a
classic fight, which is that I wanted to enjoy my
meal and let him watch uh something on the iPhone
because he was literally under the table, crawling all over
the dirty restaurant floor, and you wanted to not do that.
(15:50):
Um yeah, I had a I had a full freak
out in that moment, and that you gave him YouTube
and the volume was playing too loud and I and
I was I felt paralyzed, right. Nothing makes me more
uncomfortable when anyone is playing music out loud. I don't
know why. But then it ended up being so funny
because he was watching Dematokosita on YouTube and are Waiter
(16:12):
comes over, who's this Hispanic guy? And we were both
so apologetic because the volume was a little too loud.
And I was like, I'm sorry, um and I was
like trying not to interrupt the order. And then he
was like clearly delighted that brand is watching this video
and he's like, oh, is he trying to learn the dance?
He's like, oh this this guy was so jazzed connected
with a four year old because I'm trying to get
(16:34):
the dance for what is it? What is it calledaa I.
If you don't know what we're talking about, you can
go to our Instagram. You can also go to YouTube
and search for Dama to cosita. UM. So, Bryan got
a little restless at the end of the meal and
he was walking around, so I went outside with him
(16:55):
and we sat down on a bench and I don't
know how it came up, but he was like, uh,
So I started explaining talking about grandma and Grandpa, and
I was like, you know, I used to live with them,
you know, and then I moved out. And then I
I casually mentioned the like someday, when you're maybe twenty two, uh,
you might have to live on your own. And I
(17:17):
saw him process the idea of moving out and his
he immediately got lower lip quivering looking at me, and
it was terrifying, and he goes, you don't want to
move out? But I was like, oh no, no, no,
you not. And I first tried the it's going to
be in such a long time and when your twenties probably,
(17:38):
and he goes, I don't want to and I finally
ended up happening to be like, brind you can live
with mommy and Daddy for as long. His conception of
time and numbers is so funny now because like he
tries to negotiate things without understanding what's bigger than what,
so like you'll be like, okay, three more books and
then he's like one more book. Like he just doesn't
(18:01):
really understand the negotiation. He's like, I will have a
blue house when I'm a hundred and he was getting
so he got mad at me because I was saying,
Maven's bed is going to ship here. She's getting the
same twin bed as Brian, and I was explaining that
to him, we're going to get that, and he was like, no,
I'm going to get a bunk bed because you told
him we should get bunk beds, or you said that
(18:22):
in front of him after I had already ordered a bed,
and he kept arguing that he's going to get a
bunk bed and I was like, no, Maven's getting the
same bed as you. And then I was like, maybe
someday I'll get a bunk bed and he was like.
I was like, well, maybe you'll get a bunk bed
when you're seven. And he was like, I'll get a
bunk bed when I'm eleven. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure,
(18:45):
a great job. Yeah, and then he just kept being
and then he was like, when I get a bunk
bed when I'm eleven, it'll be it'll be bigger than
Maven's bed, right, And I was like yeah. I was like,
you got a buddy. He told me about beds, was like,
Maven's bed is coming, and he goes, remember remember when
you got this new bed. He goes, yeah, I used
(19:06):
to have a brown bed and I was like it
was the crib. He's like, no, I had a brown bed.
I was like, yeah, that Maven's crib was your old bed.
And I saw him piecing together memories and just not
enjoying what I was telling him. He's like, no, no, no.
I also might have been thinking about a past life,
just saying okay, you're okay. The chances that he had
(19:30):
a brown bed in a past life are like, I'll
give you this, Uh, if he had a past life,
the chances of him having a brown bed are very
high because I would Now it's time for did you knows?
This is where one of us reads a thing, learn something,
(19:53):
and shares it. Beth, So, I wanted to share this
article that W. Kmal Bell wrote from and Health if
you don't if you're not familiar with com out Bell,
He's a funny comedian, really smart guy. Um has a
TV show on CNN. I think I don't know if
it's a long but yeah, well I think he has
another show coming out anyway. He wrote this article for
(20:15):
Men's Health. So the article is called w com out
Bell on the secret of raising multiple kids and the
thing this article he is admittedly dealing with like a
four month old at the time. He's like writing this
late at night, and he's not He's got three kids, right,
I believe he has three kids, at least at least
three kids and he so he's writing this under thank
(20:38):
you he has um three daughters. He's writing this probably
late at night in between things. He tweeted this Saturday,
saying like he doesn't remember writing this, but he claims
it's one of the best things you ever said. So
a lot of this article is like the joke is
that he doesn't really know what he's writing. He's too tired.
But the takeaway from this of the secret to raise
(20:59):
and kids, I think one of my takeaways from this
article is he has a part or his tip is
except diminishing returns. And he talks about how well, I'll
just read it, being a parent is like a fire truck.
Can a fire truck put out one house fire? Of
course that's exactly what it was made to do, but
can a fire truck put out two house fires at
the same time? Uh? And he goes on, So I
(21:22):
think that's such a great attitude, and I think it's
sort of my philosophy honestly towards playing Domaticosita on a
phone in a restaurant is like, you can, you know,
control so much in so many environments and so many
things during the week, but at a certain point you
just have to be like, I'm doing my best and
I'm containing this fire, you know what I mean? Yeah,
(21:45):
I mean, if anythink anyone listening to this podcast or
any of them any of the reviews we get make
it clear that you subscribe to this philosophy. I think
I just think for a lot of us, I think
most people, most people who have kids, are working parents,
and there's really only so much energy you have in
the course of a week, and so you have to
be like, Okay, if I'm having a good day, I'm rested.
(22:08):
Maybe my kids are getting a healthy meal or at
least some healthy things in their diet, and having the
craziest day of the month. That is not the day
I worry about what I'm feeding my kids. That's when
I just feed them enough calories to get to the
next day. Uh. Yes, you aim for an ideal. I
(22:30):
mean this is I think we uh have. We're both
good at in in similar and very different ways. If
that like, okay, yeah, let's aim for solid principles, and
I think and forgive ourselves when we fail, and you
kind of find your own minimum. Like I feel like, Okay,
(22:50):
Sunday night, we're all generally fairly rested, the kids have
been home all day. That is when I try to
do at least one bath per week, and I try
to squeeze in another bath towards the end of the
week or the middle of the week with the kids.
But and I just hope that you do that, because
that's a thing I never did. You never worry about that.
(23:11):
And I'm not blaming you, because there's a lot of
other things you do worry about, but getting our kids
clean is not something you worry about. No, And but
it's also though, I mean, obviously we I think we
have a pretty good balance right now of responsibility. And
there are certain things that have become like our our
(23:31):
specific jobs. Yeah, well I noticed that you sometimes I
think I have I have to say, trained you to
care about certain things. Yes, there a lot of effort,
and there are things, there are things that still extend
beyond the realm of your comprehension of caring about on
a day to day basis. I'm open to what my
(23:54):
philosophy is Like, I try to pick this, pick up
the slack in those areas and not the ones that
I know you at some point will take the reins on. So,
for example, I know that you at a certain point
will unload and load the dishwasher, but you will very
rarely go around the apartment and pick up dirty glasses
and plates. So I just try to herd all the
(24:16):
dishes towards the kitchen, and I feel sort of confident
that we'll have this ecosystem under control. That makes a
lot of sense. Well, here's the thing. I know that
I do that, and I think of it a lot,
but it's always after I've started the dishwasher, and then
I go in the next room and like, god, damn it.
I also know, like, for some reason, you will take
(24:38):
out the trash, and usually you'll take out the recycling
at a certain point. But will you find garbage and
break down boxes and get it to those points? Not necessarily? Um,
sometimes you're right. I think I'm pretty good at pretty
(24:59):
great at garbage and recycling. That's my jam. Well, I
just think we're I'm just saying you're not bringing the
garbage to the garbage. That's true. I do get I
do have attention blindness where I'm like in that like, oh,
I'm looking for a certain thing in a certain area,
and then I'm so so overly focused on that thing
(25:21):
that obvious things beyond that's great. It's like I look
at my task through binoculars. That's why I try to
herd the chaos towards the kitchen. Yeah, I think that's
a good plan. And I know, like there are definitely
things I know you do more than me. And I've
talked about this before, like baths is the big one
(25:42):
that I know I'm just like not covering. But the
other thing is I also know I always just you
don't know what you don't know. Well, yes, that's what
I'm about to say, is that I always assume that
there's a hundred things that I am completely oblivious to,
and so I try to overcompensate for these this like
(26:03):
thing I'm blind to. Yeah, but sometimes you talk to me.
For example, in the earlier segment where you kind of
change subjects, he talked to me as if I'm not
doing anything. But I really think you were very unaware
of how much I am handling. Um. Again, I agree,
I know, I know that, Uh, my brain truly believes
(26:27):
that I deserve more credit than I do, and I
accept that. Anyway, this article was really I loved it.
There's some great jokes in it if you guys have
time to read, just in terms of uh, somewhere where
he was like making a list of things and he
(26:47):
was like this and this and insert third funny thing,
and it was a great um. This reminded me of
how I got through a several papers in school where
I'm like, I don't I basically have the idea, but
if I make my teacher laugh, I can literally fill
up another paragraph. And that's what I kind of loved
(27:08):
about him. What I love about him sort of like
halfheartedly writing this article and being like this is good
enough for now, is it's proving the point of the
whole article is like, you know, sometimes you're phoning it
at works, sometimes you're phoning it at home, but there's
just no way you could always be a d percent
in every area of your life. And I like, I
(27:29):
just love that it was the article really spoke to me.
It's and it's not a don't try not say you
do the best you can and you forgive yourself. And
that's something he also says in the article. He's like,
you know, can I do everything at home? No? Can
I do everything at work? Like he's saying like he
needs to work hard enough at work to make enough
(27:49):
money for his kids to live, and he's and that's
like just a very practical thing of like, you know,
some you can't always be the best employee when or
a parent, but you do need to be mindful of
keeping your job. Most of us don't have the luxury
of not having an income. Find I think, how I
(28:11):
have changed in my work since having kids, is I
used to be way more of the Oh, I'm going
to discover a thing that the company or I'm working for,
like hasn't thought of, and I'm going to go a
hundred ten percent and build a whole new thing that
no one asked me to do. And I sort of
go zero to a hundred and I show up. I'm like, hey,
I built this thing that would have taken forever and
(28:34):
I can't do that anymore. And so I've changed as
an employee and that I'm like, I'm not blowing anyone's mind,
but boy, am I picking the right battles now? And
I'm used to be dependable For some reason, Parenthood really
gives you understanding of when you're a value add to
(28:55):
the place you're working at, and like when your time
is worthy because you know you can't do it all
anymore and you just have to pick your battles. And
it's I find the same thing where it's like, you know,
sometimes I leave an hour early to get the kids,
and maybe I make that up later, maybe the the
needs are not that high on that given day. But
(29:16):
you you just know, like, Okay, I put in my time.
I am additive in this place and right now. Uh
And yeah, it took me a while, though, I will
say when we first had kids, my performance is certain
tasks suffered. I suddenly became undependent, not dependable, because I
(29:40):
used to be able to finish it whenever, and then
suddenly I couldn't and I had it was a big adjustment.
But also you're stretched too thin, and I think that's
been for both of us, I think, but especially you,
because I think you like to devote a lot of
time to your work, like that's your natural rhythm. As
we try to take every free or you have and
(30:00):
be working with people, and you sometimes choose things that
are not super valuable to you or other people just
because you want to be there. It's like fomo, I've
had you know, I've realized I have had this view
of myself that I'm not I sort of feel like, oh,
I'm lazy and I don't do all the work and
(30:22):
everyone people are going to find out. And then it
takes me a while to realize from you and other
people that like, oh, no, you work in all the time.
It's just I have weird hours, and so I'm like,
you're right. I think I do work a lot, but
my fear of being lazy keeps me good at it.
Oh gosh, now people are gonna know, really, I am lazy.
(30:44):
I'm not doing anything except editing this podcast for at
lease tomorrow. I'm gonna be up till one in the morning.
One in the morning. Now, maybe midnight Daylight Savings is great. Maybe. Hello.
This next segment is called Listeners want to Know. This
(31:06):
is where we take your questions and comments. I like
that you introduce that with a hello, welcome back. It
feels like welcome back because we both just went to
the kitchen and made old fashions for ourselves. It's true,
and everyone else probably just listened to a great ad. Yeah,
become back, guys, welcome back by that stuff, by that stuff,
(31:27):
or listen to that show whatever it was. Um, I'll
bet it's great. Um. So, we got a whole bunch
of great listener mail recently. I just want to say,
by the way we getta we're getting so much listener mail,
which is you know, the heart of the show and
thank you guys. We don't always have time to respond
to it, but if you read them, and it's very
(31:49):
we read everything that's sent to us, and I haven't.
I have intense guilt about all the emails I have
not responded to, and a lot of them are on
the list that I'm like, oh, we want to talk
about it this sometimes, so I haven't responded. If I
haven't responded, yeah, I'm meaning to respond with and we
love that you guys are engaged. Sometimes you guys are
replying to topics we've covered on the show, and because
(32:11):
we've already covered it, we're we're not trying to talk
about it too much and move on to other things,
so we might come back to it. But UM, it's
not that we didn't appreciate your comments. It's just that
we don't want to talk about the same thing on
five different Episodes' so professional, that's why, Because we're so professional,
and this is all about the listeners, you know, UM
(32:32):
and UM, and thanks for all those reviews guys. UM.
They make us feel so pretty UM. So this email,
there's actually two things in this email that I want
to talk about. They come to us from Matt from
Long Island. UM, and so I'm gonna read um one
(32:52):
of them, we'll talk about, and then I'll read about
the second part. Matt wrote in in reaction to the
finding out the gender of the baby segment that we
did with his own story about how he and his
wife UM had different opinions and then over times switched
in the end. UM, but I'm gonna skip that, UM,
(33:14):
but just know that it was great. And Matt writes
one quick aside, btw, I do feel that folks need
to be a bit more private with their gender reveals.
I've seen countless videos online of failed attempts to hit
a baseball or even worse, one parent almost exclusively the
dad being visibly disappointed by the result. I can't imagine
(33:38):
the guilt I would feel if my younger daughter watched
a video of me being anything but thrilled that I
was having a daughter. If you aren't truly excited for
your pregnancy, regardless of the gender, maybe don't invite twenty
people to reveal your gender and live stream it on Facebook. Okay,
down from my soapbox. And then he has a real question,
but I wanted to talk about that, Okay, So that's like,
(34:02):
I it's hard to talk about this without offending someone.
So I will say, first of all, I expect everyone's choices,
but I'm about to insult. Here's who I'm going to insult.
The thing. I totally get what he's saying about people
being unenthusiastic about the gender in the moment when they discovered,
because the type of people who do gender reveals oftentimes
(34:24):
not always people who are performing parenthood rather than experience. Like, Oh,
I hear what you're saying, but I'm also offended for
some people that are hearing us. And I don't like,
I don't think everyone who does this as a horrible person.
And I know you know, it's just sometimes you just
(34:45):
do fun traditions for no reason. Peter and I did
uh the garter toss that our wedding because we didn't
know any better. It was just we were young and
we thought that's how weddings worked, and so we third
thing I mean, but stay is throwing a book. People
with tasteful weddings don't do that now, but we didn't. Okay,
(35:12):
you're you're great too. We're not judging you on this
one thing. I'm just saying at the heart of it.
Gender reveals a year when a lot of us are
waking up to the fact that gender is a construct
and that you know, there's a spectrum of our gender
presentation and our sexuality and all of these things. It's
(35:34):
a very unnecessary tradition we have, uh, sort of given
to the world. Yes, I think in through that lens
of whether intentionally or unintentionally, Uh, what that event can
say is this is like, this matters one way or
(35:57):
the other. But where I think it is potentially a
very positive thing is like, again I've talked about this before,
is that when the gender is revealed, there is something
that shifts in your brain where it's the person you're
picturing in your head doesn't exist and it's not correct.
But knowing one detail about that person that you didn't
(36:21):
know inherently like creates a more intimate relationship with this
person in your head, and it feels biases you towards them. Yes,
that is the negative side, but regardless of all, it's
all false because you haven't met them. But there is
a feeling of intimacy and excitement connected to even the
(36:42):
imaginary person. So I think that impulse getting excited and
wanting to know and eager to meet this important person
in your life is a very valid and beautiful thing.
And I think I have no problem with people wanting
to know. It's just that a gender reveal, as people
tend to do it, is a performance of finding that information,
(37:05):
and that's like that's giving it extra weight, and it's
saying like we care more about what this person's gender is.
Like I think that is the that's the messaging that
I think it's making it feel like a momentous thing
of like this might make or break this person. And
(37:27):
it's like it's just I mean, is it any I
mean yes, the answer is yes. I was gonna say,
is it any crazier than a baby shower? No, because
it's not just you know, some people do it in
just a lightweight where it's like pink or blue balloons whatever.
They're just finding out other people Middle America, like Christian America,
(37:50):
these are generalizing. I'm not generalizing. Once again, I'm referring
to something you haven't read up on that I have.
In Christian America, these gender reveals will be like I
can't remember the specifics, but very specific corner of Christian America.
We don't want to over generalize. Keep keep going, Oh
my god, chill the funk out, just let me speak. Um.
(38:12):
The the gender reveal will be like is it guns
or pink? Like they will label the It'll be like,
I can't I wish I could remember the phrasing because
they have like a rhyme that makes more sense. But
it's like, do you have a girl and is your
life ruined? Or is it a boy and you win?
(38:33):
They're like, do you have there's a rhyme that I like,
fully fucking up on that I said, much more satisfying.
But yeah, it's like is it dresses or is it
jerking off on the subway? Like it's just like really
like does he have a pickup truck or is he
just sitting pretty at home? Like it's just like very
(38:54):
like it's the messaging of the gender reveal is like
the are camps that you will be divided into and
you have to behave this way for the rest of
your life. Um listeners, your challenge this week is to
write a better version of whatever the hell that is right?
Please write them next week. I want to read ten
(39:15):
of them are really offensive over generalization of gender that
implies that boys are great and girls are a disappointed.
Is your baby redneck or is it a red uh? Um,
(39:37):
that's that's fantastic. Um. So yes, I think those types
of gender reveals are terrible. Uh but I but that's
like the lot a lot of them. That's like the
tone of gender, that's the inherent tone of a gender. Yeah,
even even the I think it's like us with the
(39:59):
garter throw ing, there's an unintended message in us doing that.
It was out of ignorance of like, oh, this is
what people do. That is a message. It was an
unintended message. And I think a lot of gender reveals
are because that has been done and people aren't thinking
about the messaging of it. Yeah, and I don't, and
it's probably fine most almost all the time. Again, I
(40:20):
don't think we want to sound super judgmental. I don't
think like obviously we're sitting in our like media towers
analyzing the things that people do, and other people are
just trying to live their lives. And I don't think
you have to think about the messaging of everything you
do all day every day. I'm just saying this trend
overall sort of speaks to a larger cultural idea of
(40:41):
how we think about gender. And there's a Matt makes
a great point that you know your face is designed
to show exactly what you feel. And in a moment
of saying it's a girl. And even if you didn't
realize until that moment that you were sort of hoping
for a boy, that shows up on your face. You
(41:03):
didn't realize until that moment that you thought inherently that
boys are more deserving of love than girls. And then
we're all witnessing you feeling it. This is a study.
Somebody has to go. Somebody go online and find a
bunch of these videos. And it's because I want to
see dad's faces disappointed that they had a girl, whether
(41:28):
they realize it or not, that like that that there's
an inherent bias in some people that maybe that is
the moment they realize it. They probably don't even realize it,
but we witness it in their emotions and on their face.
Oh my gosh, listeners, I got a lot of work
for you this week. Can someone not only come up
with funny ideas for gender reveal party names, but also
(41:50):
can you make a compilation of YouTube videos of reluctant
Dad's experiencing gender reveals. Please send it to us. Thank you,
We love you. Will credit you on guest. Second half
of Math's email. Um, the first half, first half. The
first half was great. Um, this is me stalling as
(42:11):
I scrolled. You're drinking old fashions. What's the next question? Why?
I just reminded an earlier version of this podcast. When
we were developing it, I had an idea where we
always have a different drink and we start the podcast
by saying, Beth, what are you drinking? And Yeah, Peter
wanted to introduce our podcast in the very first episode
by having a meandering conversation about the drink he was drinking.
(42:36):
We know nothing about booze. Yeah. So I don't know
if you're looking for a podcast where Peter just kind
of rambles about what's in his cup, let us know,
come on over to Peter's cup. Okay, So here's the
other half of it. Um, Okay, I have a question
(42:59):
for you. My wife and I are struggling with our
toddler's separation, anxiety and looking for pointers. Matthew screams and
resists any activity that results in being separated from whomever
or whatever is with him at that moment. Examples of
this include anytime we drop him off somewhere or someone
(43:21):
picks him up and he knows we won't be with him.
Anytime someone who is over leaves, even if it's not us,
and even if we are both there. I cries when
his nanny leaves every day, anytime we are leaving in
the family pet or all his toys can't come with us.
Anytime we arrived somewhere and try to remove his jacket
slash shoes. While we don't feel he is affected by
(43:44):
the separation anxiety, affected by separation anxiety disorder, and in
most instances he readjusts within five minutes. Our biggest fears
with school. This September, Matthew began his first drop off
program that meets two hours a day, two days per week.
His his teacher claims that he is fine within a
few minutes, but we cannot help but notice that out
of nine children, Matthew is the only one left um
(44:08):
who still cries and refuses to get in the classroom
after about eight weeks slash sixteen classes. It's sometimes sets
off one or two of the other kids, and we
are becoming self conscious about it. Really interested to hear
your advice and other listeners advice on how to help
him through this. I feel he is a very intelligent,
intuitive child and we don't want this getting in the
(44:31):
way of his further development. Thanks and all the best
to you, Brennon Maven Matt from Long Island. Thank you, Matt. Um.
I have a short answer. Okay, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine. My inclination with questions like this
is always like, this is a phase that will pass
and it has very little meaning. But I also think
(44:53):
like someone in my mom group posted something about this
recently where her her daughter was getting really mad and
jealous when she would hug her husband and just wanted
to be included in everything, and it was it was
really cute, but it was just like some sort of
weird reaction that like toddler's or I don't think it's
a toddler she's decribing, but young kids have. This child
(45:14):
is two and a half. Yeah, so in toddler's it
makes perfect sense. But what someone said to this woman
in my mom group is like, have you You've been
traveling a lot lately, so maybe she's just feeling a
little bit insecure about like where she stands, the amount
of attention she's getting, whatever. I think that's the thing
(45:35):
with kids, Like sometimes I've heard people refer to it
as like refilling the well or whatever. When you're like,
for example, you're like at home all day with a toddler,
either it's Saturday or you're a stay at home parent,
and you're like at your wits end and they're just
clawing all over you. Sometimes if you just give them
(45:55):
that reassurance that you're there for them, if you spend
twenty minutes like just very actively playing with them, they're
over it, and then they're like they feel more secure.
I mean, I guess that's the basis for attachment parenting
or whatever, which I have read nothing about. But you're like,
you make your kid feel secure in that attachment to
(46:17):
you and like you're not trying to leave them constantly,
even though sometimes you are, and you just you feel
that well, and then they feel secure and then they
will let you go about your business as usual. You know. Yeah,
I mean, obviously, uh, we're not there or no, we're
talking about um because that's our thing. That's your response
(46:39):
to what I just said, is that we don't know
what we're talking about. I mean, we don't know that
it's right, but well, also it's a toddler, so sometimes
their behavior makes no sense at all. Yes, I mean
I connect to so many things you were talking about.
It took a long time to it's still I can't
quite get out the door without both of my kids
insisting that they take something. This morning, it was both
(47:01):
of them needed to leave with their summer water shoes
on their hands so that they could walk like elephant.
That's the kind of stuff though where I'm like, okay, cool,
like this is doable, thank you, we can work with this.
But when this request I love. When brit was two
to three and even into three, getting out the door
(47:22):
was all negotiation, all crying. He hated to switch. I
have to quickly say, our kids have suddenly fallen in
love with their water shoes in November, which are not
warm shoes. They're full of holes. They're fine, like if
you're wearing socks under them, it's fine, but it's just
it's like it's getting to be winter and our kids
(47:43):
are like, oh, I gotta put on these water shoes anyway.
But I think also the thing I would think was
a challenge is their son is going to play group
twice a week. That is not that's like so spread
out if you don't get into routine. Our kids go
to daycare five days a week, and every time there's
(48:04):
something new, they would freak out for three days. And
I would get through these things because I just be like,
long with stay calm, and I'm not going to show
any an. I'm not going to show them that I
am distressed. And then just three days in a row
of saying no, we're doing this, we're doing this, we're
going and that's when they would get over. It's a
(48:25):
hard thing to give advice on because for some people,
you know, two days a week or two hours of
preschool is all they have, and financially they can't justify
hiring someone to watch their kids to do you know
what I mean, Like some a lot of jobs these
days just do not pay enough for people to justify
(48:45):
the cost of like full or part time childcare means
it's going to take longer. So it's just yeah, it's
you have to have a lot of patience I think
in having that kid get out there. But I do
like I think sometimes you have to remind yourself, like
it's like ripping off a band aid. And maybe if
you're kid is only doing it two days a week,
it's a little bit of a slow rip off of
(49:07):
the band aid. But the fact that you started the
process is progress and you will be able to get
away from your kid. Yeah, and so long as is
you are not reflecting back at them their own distress. Um.
You know, especially when you have to say goodbye to
(49:28):
a kid, it's very clearly that like positive, I will
see you later, I love you, goodbye, kiss, and then
you turn and you go. And the more you draw
it out, they more it validates their fear and the
I mean the thing the reason why I immediately was like,
it's gonna be fine is that as you say, within
five minutes, he's fine, Well, that's nine times out of ten.
(49:51):
I think that's like the report parents get from the
caregiver is like, oh, after five minutes, he was fine.
And then there's like occasionally that one kid that's just
it tastes longer for them, and that's again just like
another part of the process, like you have to know
that that's your kids, Like that's what your kid is. Like,
you know, you got you got a beautiful sensitive boy. Yeah.
(50:14):
I mean, well, I I do really think and this
is like we spoke to this in terms of having
a meeting with take care about bran and his needs.
Is like all your kids have different needs and you
just have to sort of figure it out as you go,
like they're all totally different people. Oh my god, you
know what we're doing tomorrow? What parent teacher conference? That's right,
(50:36):
Oh my gosh, you guys have that to look forward to.
We're also voting. We're gonna drop our kids off, We're
going to vote, and then we're gonna go talk about
bran um with pre K. We're gonna go vote for
some people who hopefully care about families. This has been
(50:56):
We Knows Parenting. You can find me at Beth New
on Twitter. You can find Peter at McMinn uh. Find
us on Facebook at the We Knows Parenting page, on
Twitter and Instagram at we Knows Pod. And if you'd
like to submit a question, share a story, or to
send us that awesome gender reveal poem that you're writing
(51:17):
right now, you can email us at we Knows Pod
at gmail dot com or leave a voicemail at three
four seven eight four. Also, please visit our website we
Knows Parenting dot com. You can also find their phone
number there, or buy a t shirt from our merch store.
We got some funny shirts for the holidays. And UH
(51:39):
rate and review this podcast on the Apple Podcast. We'll
subscribe and subscribe. We want to. We want to bump
it up the charts. We hit number nine this week.
Thanks guys, Thank you. Until next time. I'm I've been
Peter McNerney and I have been in Sphil and Beth
are new. Signing off, goodbye, goodbye,
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.