September 18, 2018 • 42 mins
After returning home from a long weekend without kids Beth takes Bryn and his best friend out to dinner where they proceed to walk around the restaurant telling strangers that they are beautiful. Peter shares an article that connects bilingual education with stronger empathy skills. Peter and Beth jump into the mail bag to catch up and some listener mail about being a non-parent listener, intrinsic vs. extrinsic rewards, and the effects a mourning parent has on their children.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hello, Welcome to Me Knows Parenting and parenting podcast goes
to buy real life comedian parents. I'm Beth Newell. I'm
Peter McNerney. Hi. Hi, we had You're home. We're home.
We had a slightly less crazy week, I was gonna say,
but it's also still a continuation of craziness. Um, I will.
I had the most the busiest week of my entire year,
(00:36):
but yours was more relaxed. Oh my god. So first
of all, okay, take a step back. You were gone
last week? Yeah, we had that. What an incredible interview
over the phone. How was that to be in a
hotel room to record your husband wife podcast? You know,
it was good in the sense that I was less
(00:57):
a part of the podcast and it took very sure
because you hate me in this right. Well, because work
trips when your parents are like vacation, it's like your
only time to really be alone and not on call.
So to have to do a work thing while I
was staying in a hotel was not my ideal. Um,
(01:19):
So you've been back for a while. Is it is
it everything you remembered? What's different? Like it's a whole
new world now, it's it's fall sort of sort of September.
Kids are in school, Branson pre K. Things are chugging along.
All of a sudden, it's halfway through the the mom.
(01:40):
He's started to tell me about pre K. He's starting
to know kids names. He told me today in the
car um there's a girl in his class. I don't
remember her name, but he told me and he said,
she's she's very big. And he went his hands up
and I was like, oh, she's taller than you, because
(02:00):
she's she's she's much taller than me. I'm pretty short,
and he goes, but I'm heavy. She's she's bigger, but
she's light. That's what his um. His best friend's dad
picked him up the other day for some reason, and
he said, wow, he's heavy because Britain is shorter than
(02:21):
his best friend. And I think our kids, much like
our families, are solidly built, thick, thick spout tree trunks. Yeah,
it's so. It's so because they're all you know, if
if you everyone in free K had turned forward this
year or will turn four this year, and that age
(02:45):
is like wildly different sizes. Yeah, but he's the thing
about him describing the girl's very your mind that he
was telling me something. He was like, He's like, that's
so funny. Maybe it's quite funny because he's been watching
so much Pepper Pig. I love Pepper Pig. It's great.
(03:07):
I you know, you don't usually pay for shows that
are not on Netflix or wherever we get our shows,
but when Bryn has the Apple Remote and you don't
have it password protected, we buy a lot of things
on iTunes. I mean, but this, you know, this was
mainly inspired by a guilt purchase I made at the
airport a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't seeing
my kids, which is just to get them a gift,
(03:29):
and I got the Pepper Pig action figures and I
was like, sure, I'll buy an episode of Pepper Pig
so they know what the heck this is and now
they are hooked. It is such a delightful I'm Pepper
Pig show. I like the vibe. There's not a ton
of conflict, there's a lot of laughing. Yeah, it's so simple,
and I'm like, this doesn't It's not like so much
(03:51):
children's media that's talking down to kids in that look
how bright and squeaky I am. I don't actually have
a personality. It drives me nout because kids, kids connect
with characters that act like real characters and it's very
simple and straightforward, but it it does actually uh, it's
not belittling. I just like that they're always giggling and
(04:13):
then it makes Brettan Mayven giggle and they're like, they
laugh at it a lot, I know, and they giggle.
The pigs on the show giggle and they're like, I'm George.
George's a little uh wink. Any thing I like about
the show is that the protagonist is a girl, which
(04:36):
is not unique to that show, but it is still
kind of rare. Um may even really identifies with Peppa.
I think so because it's now she has like a
main character and an action figure that she's like, this
is me. This feels like me, Pep, And I think
she likes the idea that she has a little brother,
George George. My kids hate it when I do voices,
(04:58):
which is very hard for because I like to do
voices and at a bedtime and I'll read and I'll
try to give accents of things, and most of the
time brands like no use daddy's voice. It's funny because
you do have a very similar vibe to Daddy Pig. Well,
that's the thing is they love it when I do
Daddy Pig and I go hello, I shall read this
(05:19):
book with you now, and they're like, yeah, that's just
a normal voice. That's who you are. Peppa. Well, it's delightful,
and we own a lot of so I'll just get
emails that our iTunes receipts and once one morning I
looked at my phone and there was just like eight
individual episodes purchased and it was not by you or me. No.
(05:43):
Brand has been getting into so many things lately. He
talking about his snacks for pre k he ate, I
pre prepared some snacks for a couple of days of
pre prepared some SNAs it was gonna say, like it's
like prep like mail preps. But so I packed up
a couple of top wars to have some snacks ready
to go, you know, carrots, cheese, etcetera. Bryn Well, I
(06:07):
went to go put it in his bag this morning
and I saw too and there was one with a
string cheese and some fruit in it. And there's another
one with like two tiny pieces of turkey, And I
was like, what the hell did best pack this? Like
this is it originally full of blueberries and many pieces
of ty. Yeah, it was later that our son wakes
(06:28):
up in the morning and then just everything there is
still a full salami that's missing or bryn ate a
full so that's in a tupperware in the fridge. Well few,
but he just I want to say, maybe he's going
through a growth spurt because the hunger is out of control.
(06:49):
And he he always says, now around bedtime, he says,
my tummy's grumbling, I'm hungry. Well he does. He's a
terrible lead, like he won't eat his full dinner and
I was like, all right, we're not gonna eat anything else.
He goes, I'm not hungry, and then he will find
food everywhere. Well that's because he's snacking, and then he's
(07:10):
not hungry for dinner, and then he finds more food. Man,
we're terrible parents who don't put our foot down about dinner.
And I some nights I'm like, all right, weren't you
don't leave the table too, We're all done, And then
I'm like this is too hard. Well, his new thing too,
is that he's dragging stools and things over to the
counter and climbing up, so he can get into almost
(07:31):
everything now, and he's very aggressive about it. He's always
working on it, always scheming. He's like trying to eat toothpaste.
Um he well, I don't I don't know if I
told the story, but like a couple of weeks ago,
he was trying to drag one of the stools out
of our bedroom to the living room and he he
uh walked in the bedroom where I was sitting with
(07:53):
my laptop and he goes, look at your computer. Okay,
just look at your computer, which is really weird because
he's always telling us to put our phones away and
to look at him. Yeah, he was like, was just
to focus on your computer now, and then hey, this
isn't suspicious, so don't look over here. I don't know
(08:13):
why you are. Just keep doing what you're doing and
not looking at me. Okay. Um so he so then
he tried to drag us to all out of the bedroom,
out of the bedroom to go climb up in the cabinets. Um. Yeah,
he's horrible. I mean he's the best, but boy, he's horrible. Yeah.
He came by me. I was working tonight and he
(08:35):
came by me and he had something in his mouth,
and he's just tiptoed by, staring straight at me, and
I was like, what do you have? And he goes
and then covers up in the mouth and runs away.
He's so bad at hiding things. He's always trying to
get in trouble. He's like a four year old. Another
thing he's been trying to do recently too, is enlist
(08:55):
Maven and creating chaos. So like, if I'm trying to
get them both to bed and they're fighting me, he'll
I'll be like grabbing him and then he's like Maven
run and she's and she'll like do that thing where
she like nods her head. She's like, okay, um, so
let's talk about the bedtime we just did. So we're
(09:18):
recording an eight typle time. This is Monday night. We're
releasing this episode in like I don't even know what
day it is anymore. This week he's been insane. It's
been nuts. Uh, but bedtime, So we recorded later to
night what you're trying not to do? Um, but you
were home, which you typically are not home Monday nights
(09:40):
when they go to bed, you get home after their sleeping.
That I you've been working a lot this week and
I've been home since my trip, I've been home a
lot more and they so I've been doing these bedtimes
with them, and then the whole system has just fallen apart. Yeah. There,
I went to put it in the y and put
it in the bed and they were saying no, and
I'm so I had a tear brain out of his pants,
(10:04):
and I knew that it was going to be a
bad one where I had to like force him, and
so I just now try. I just know that I
cannot show him heightened emotions. I just go, I'm I'm
giving you five seconds d doing that. And he's screaming
and he is kicking me, and he's like definantly kicking
the wall on the floor because I tell him not
(10:25):
to do that because the downstairs neighbor. And so I'm like,
I'm not, can't let you kick me a can that's?
I grab his feet and I'm holding him and I
know it's freaking out, but I just have to show
him that it's no big deal. But it's got bad
when you were gone this week, because I um, he
does this thing where he tries to convince me to
(10:46):
let him stay up and watch grown up TV. TV,
because grown up TV is his compromise for not getting
to watch regular TV. He's like, he's like, I'll let
you just do what you want if you just let
me stay up with you. So he does that. So
I've been incredibly tired some nights to the point where
I do do that, or or I fight him for
so long and then he just keeps coming out, and
(11:06):
I finally just let him lay in my bed in
the dark and I pretend I'm going to sleep until
he falls asleep. Um, So that's been Yeah, that's what's
going on, because that's not going to happen. He also
started describing it as secrets, and he says that we're
not going to tell you. It's just our secret, because
he's trying to convince you that that is your secret. Yeah,
(11:28):
that it's it's a secret the two of us are
going to share. And he got last night, I was
like putting my foot down more, and he goes, we're
going to do secrets again tonight. Okay, mommy. Um, he
learned in an unhealthy relationship. I know he's pushing you around.
This secrets idea, as you know, came from our babysitter
who is in a bit of a daycare drama where
(11:53):
I don't even know if we want to get into
this on here, but oh boy, I'm too scared to
We're wrapped up in a lot of drawing. I'm off
between our daycare and their employees, and we're in the
middle of it, and I am I'm too scared to
talk about it. Yeah. Anyway, our son was told to
keep secrets um and then I was trying to tell
(12:14):
him that he can't ever keep secrets from me and you,
because it's really dangerous for kids to think keeping secrets
is an idea. But I was trying to tell him
and he was like, yeah, we only tell mommy and
daddy about this one secret. I'm like, if you want
Bryn to make sure, if you want to make sure
that Bryn tells somebody something, tell him it's a secret.
(12:37):
I think he was already going to tell everybody because
the thing that he was supposed to keep secret happening
on a very specific day. And he's obsessed now with
the days of the week and saying what is happening
on certain days or has happened on certain days. So
I think there's a very high chance that he would
have described the secret in great detail. He realized, this
(12:59):
whole segment is us not explaining what happened and what
the secret is. You know what, here's the fun game
for the week. I want you to write in and
tell us what you think the secret is. Tell us
a story, and we're going to read the best dramas
that that are potentially happening or not happening in our lives.
(13:20):
We'll call it We Knows parenting fan fiction. Now it's
time for We Knows Winds. This is where we share
a parenting success story for the week. Elizabeth, you have something. Yeah, So, um,
(13:41):
I was picking Brent up at daycare on Friday, which
is sort of tens of your night to go out
to eat with the kids or trying to do something fun.
But you were gone, so it's just me and the kids,
and I was like, am I gonna take them out alone?
It's kind of a grind to deal with them at
both at a restaurant, but I was like, you know what,
I want to do something fun and distract them. So
I picked him up. Brands immediately starts crying when I
(14:02):
walk in because he's sad about leaving his best friend.
And I was like, well, well, maybe we'll see him
over the weekend. So we leave and then I take
them to the pizza place we like, and we're sitting
outside on the sidewalk and I just decided, like, you
know what, I'll text his best friends parents, um and
see if they're like looking for something to do, because
(14:24):
this is like blocks from where they live. So I
text the dad because that's the phone number we have
who you've been texting with a lot to set up lateates. Um,
sweetest guy in the world. UM. Part of why this
is a win is because I think, you know, we're
both kind of shy about like making these kinds of plans,
(14:47):
and I don't tend to like really go out of
my way to make plans with people I don't know
very well. But you know, your kids leave you to
desperate measures. So I was. I texted him and he
his wife was still working, and he was kind of like,
I don't know if we can do it, blah blah blah.
He like kind of changed his mind two or three times,
and then he showed up and he just kind of
(15:09):
walked up with his son, and Brynn was so excited
and they sat with us and got some pizza and
we had this long dinner. Um, just sitting there while Brennan,
his best friend, ran up and down the sidewalk and
started talking to everyone. And they started talking to this
young girl who was eating dinner there. And what does
(15:30):
young girl mean? She was like college age and she
was with an older woman who I guess was her
former nanny. They were like, it was really funny. So
so they were talking to this girl, Brannan his best friend,
and like, she was so friendly, so I didn't really
feel like she was they were bothering her. How was
he introducing himself to people? He was just walking up
(15:53):
to strangers eating their dinner. The two of them would
go up to her and say, we're friends, and then
Brin would be like, my name is Bryn b r
y n um. So she yeah, she was enjoying them.
And so I was telling this dad that we're with.
I was like, man, she's so friendly, Like she seems great.
I kind of think I should get her phone number
(16:16):
in case she's a babysitter. But then, being shy, I
wasn't like going over there. Alsome mayven in my lap
for like this whole time. Uh, So our dad friend
was like, oh, and he just walks over to her
and he's like, hey, do you babysit? And he got
her number, so we now have her number. Boy, he
is so good. I mean, we're friends with him because
(16:38):
he's like, hey, we come over and we're like, all right,
I am so afraid of people. I need people like him.
He's great. I like, I cannot believe how not awkward
it was to sit and eat dinner with him while
our kids ran around. It was very it was very
relaxing to have someone else there who I knew in
an emergency would get up and grab our kids while
(17:01):
Maven was in my lap. When they ran straight into
the street, he would be there. Well, they were like
constantly in the way of pedestrians, but I would have
been stressed about that. Yeah, I think it was the
right parent pairing because I think you and Brand's best
friend's mom would have not ty to take care of
too many things, and you guys let it the head
of Yeah, we were just like, so they got a
(17:23):
new babysitter. Huh, I guess, so maybe let's let's text her, Hey,
I need still need to take you after your birthday. Oh,
this is the other thing is, um, Brian's best friend
is always telling women they're beautiful and that he likes
their hair. And so he not Brand's friend, Brand's best friend.
He's a very sweet boy. And he what did he
(17:45):
say to her? He said, well, so he yelled like
at this other girl who was talking about He didn't yell.
He was just like, oh, look at that beautiful girl
or something like that. And it was like a ten
year old and she looked back and was smiling so hard,
like she should not believe it. And then look at
that beautiful girl. And then this potential new babysitter was
leaving and they were like by Katie by and and
(18:09):
Brin's best friend was like, I like the back of
your shirt. I like the front of your shirt. I
like your hair. You're beautiful. And she just had to
keep turning around and being like thank you. Um so
I think they're going to get along, well, all of them.
I just had a real distinct memory of being that
(18:30):
kid in pre k and kindergarten that would tell girls
that they're beautiful, the flirt. Yeah. I used to braid
girl's hair on the rainbow carpet, and in my mind
I was a hero for it. But maybe I was
forcing forcing them to look funny, because you know, the
(18:50):
feminist in me is like, maybe this is not like habits.
We want our kids to have to comment on people's appearances.
But then when you see a little kid do it
like that and everyone they say it too, just lights
up in excitement when they hear it. It's just like,
I mean, I never I mean, except when I was
(19:11):
in kindergarten comment on people's appearance. Ah. But boy, yeah,
if somebody uh told me I was beautiful, i'd bush
because you wouldn't know it because it's under my beard. Peter,
You're beautiful. This next segment is called wood you knows.
(19:35):
It's where we share parenting related facts. Okay, okay, okay.
This is some stuff that I've read on NPR something. Uh.
This is about so I'm gonna summarize this. Bilingual kids
have a leg up when it comes to empathy skills.
(19:59):
This this is a really fascinating article that talks about
a whole lot of things to sort of like what, um,
growing up in either bilingual home or going to school
and having a different language and using both of them. Um.
So there's a bunch of really fascinating skills that are
developed with that. But the one that I want to
(20:21):
focus on that that was really interesting is has to
do with empathy. So young children being raised bilingual have
to follow social cues to figure out which language to
use with which person and in what's setting. And as
a result, by lingual children as young as age three
have demonstrated a headstart on tests of perspective taking in
(20:42):
theory of mind, both of which are fundamental social and
emotional skills. So theory of mind is that you know
that I'm able to look at you, see how you're behaving,
and hear what you say, and in my brain I
open up a mental space that is your brain, and
basically I can buy proxy approximate like what what you're
(21:05):
thinking and what you're feeling, and I can actually feel
those things. And that's the heart of empathy, watching a
person and not only interpreting what they're thinking and feeling,
but in some way thinking and feeling the same thing.
And so bilingual kids are much more attuned to context
and behavior in social cues and having to switch between modes,
(21:29):
they're basically forced to pay attention to people, pay attention
to the way people behave and as a result, they
can relate to them, you know, And this is you know,
of course, an incredible argument for diversity. To be around
people that aren't exactly like you forces you to pay
a little bit more attention to how different people communicate,
(21:53):
how different people talk to each other. There's actually, um,
there's some articles about this out. How often, you know,
wealthy white neighborhoods will try to keep the school segregated
because they think it's giving their kids a better education.
But actually, uh, school integration not only doesn't hurt the
white kids, but it helps everyone. It's it's just everyone
(22:16):
is better off for it. Yeah, I mean this. So
this has been an exciting time with Brin going to
pre K and his daycare is bilingual, so every other
day is in Spanish, and there are some kids there
that at least according to Brin I think, don't speak English,
or at least it's the second language. And now at
(22:39):
pre K, I've been out front with that line of
kids and it's really exciting how diverse it is, like
it is a it is a really great mix of people,
not like when I was growing up, you know, which
was you know, a northern Chicago suburbs, super segregated, very
very white. Um uh, and that's why I'm such a
(23:03):
terrible person, you know. I would also imagine that, you know,
language give things. Language gives things meaning, So if you're
having two sets of language, you might have some added
meaning to the world. And I think, I mean Brin,
a part of why he wasn't really telling us about
preschool early on was one because he was a little
(23:26):
bit mad about it, But too, I think he just
didn't know the names of anyone there, and it was
really hard for him to talk about it. And I
think once he had some names and faces, he's starting
to like be like, oh my teacher, blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, he's talking way more about it because specifically
about that. Actually more in this article does talk about that.
(23:46):
Especially kids um in English speaking classrooms who are English
as a second language have a stronger understanding of language
in general, like just being able to piece together sort
of the construction of language because they have two different
contexts and so they have more information. I mean, against
(24:10):
that same argument, you're exposed to more variations of it
and you've got a fuller picture. Yeah. I'm still confused though,
as to how our children spend every other day in
a Spanish daycare and they never speak a word of
Spanish around us. Well, I think it's I think they
(24:31):
probably speak way more Spanish, uh obviously at daycaret then
at home because it is it's context specific. Like I
think they get home and they're like, you idiots don't
understand that. Like when I try to speak Spanish, they're
like this, no, this dead year in the wrong context.
You're not supposed to speak. It's stupid when you do it. Um.
But I I've heard them say little things like today
(24:53):
they were leaving, you know, and he said audios, which
when I'm there in him he turns that off. But
like when you hear these little casual phrases, um, um,
you just occasionally get like one word or name out
of him and you realize he has like an impeccable
Spanish accent, and it's like, why is he not speaking
(25:14):
more Spanish? Oh? Did I say this? So? I was
running auditions for Sorry Price all last week, and um,
somebody came into audition who had an accent and because
of Brin, so her name is Erica. This this person
auditioning and because Brin has someone that he knows named Erica,
(25:41):
who he always pronounces Edika because he's surrounded by these
women who speak Spanish and that's her name, and that
that is her name. Uh. So I was calling you.
I'm like, all right, this person is like this person,
and without thinking, I was like, all right, up next Edika,
and she goes, um, it's Erica, and I was like, oh,
(26:01):
I'm yeah yeah, And I was like, oh my god,
I just came across as this like the white guy
who was trying way too hard, condescending and it was
so embarrassing. But I couldn't explain it. I was just like, okay, cool, yeah,
I go. But like that's how I think of that
name now, because I've said it so many times. I'm like,
(26:22):
all right, up next Edika, it's Erica. So I thought
I forgot about it. It was so embarrassing. I'm so
scared to speak Spanish, uh in like certain contexts that
like I overthink it and then they am not doing
it at all, like you're ordering in a restaurant in
(26:44):
another language. Like I'll just I know that I know
the words. I've took seven years of Spanish. I can
read Spanish and order in Spanish, but every time it's
about to happen, I just panic and I point to it.
I'm like, I have this, Why is that? It feels
like I'm not allowed, like I'm disrespecting the language to
(27:04):
try to say it right. If I hadn't grown up
around so many white people, I'd be more comfortable doing it.
Saying boyo, boyo, that's a really bad joke. That's you
can't that's not even a joke. I'm just saying words
that sounded like, oh gosh, this just you're saying, poyo,
(27:26):
oh boyo, was not a joke. Mhmm, point taken. That's
another another thing Brian and his friend have been really
into is playing um. We talked about this before the
Rhyman game. Have you ever seen a yeah? Whatever? Brand
still does not understand it, understands laughing all but he
(27:50):
laughs so hard at his own things. So it's always
like have you ever seen a cheetah eating abda? Or
it's just like, have you ever seen a cheetah eating
a rug? And then he laughs hysterically. What's it? Was like,
my middle name is this? My middle name? Isn't that
(28:11):
something something that rhymes with that? And then brend goes
my Neddle middle name is brand. My middle name is
not Charlie. If you don't talk to me, I'll give
you a hand. It's really funny. He doesn't get it.
(28:34):
This next segment is called Listeners Want to Know. It's
where we take some questions and thoughts from our listeners. Alright,
we're gonna catch up on some listener mail. Um. These
are from many of our last episode. So here's ah.
Here's one we asked a while back, why the hell
do you listen to this show if you're not a parent?
Emma here wrote in and gave us her answer. Hi,
(28:57):
Beth and Peter, Hi, Emma, I think on your last
podcast episode or one of the previous ones is actually
probably a while now. You're talking about why younger people
without children listen to you. I can't speak for anyone
else but me, but as a twenty two year old woman,
I listened to you one because you guys are awesome
and funny, and too because I was a living in
(29:22):
for the past two and a half years for family
of a three and five year old, and I can
somehow relate to what you're talking about. Parents were working
night shifts, so I was in charge of everything from
the moment they woke up in the morning to when
they went to bed. I am no stranger to kids
pooping in the bathtub. Sadly, it's not sad, it's it's great.
It's a gift. It's a life experience. Working with kids
(29:45):
made me think a lot about if I would ever
want kids on my own some day. Uh and uh,
I'm still unsure about it. And I guess I'm listening
to you and other parenting stuff to try to make
my own decision. Little bit question mark. It's kind of informative.
It's kind of informative. Anyway. I love the podcast, and
(30:06):
I think you guys are awesome. Emma, you're right, this
show is kind of informative, kind of informative. Um, I
actually have since then, I had a lot of people,
um tell me that listen to the show, and maybe
we've talked about this, but most people in my social
circle don't have kids. They aren't married because most of
(30:27):
them are a little bit younger than me, and we're
all comedians and when we get married and have kids
later than the normal. But I'm realizing that a lot
of people that talk to me about it are the
people that are clearly thinking about it, and that's them
sort of letting me in on it. Not all of them.
(30:48):
A lot of people, Yeah, a lot of people who
talk to me about this podcast do not have kids,
and I do you do see a certain like glint
in someone's eye when they're clearly thinking about having kids,
but they're not necessarily saying it. And it's not even
just related to the podcast. But I've had people ask
me about pregnancy and stuff and you can just tell
(31:09):
they're sort of like, whether they're thinking about it for
like this year or in the future. You can tell
they're like chewing it. They're like, what is this? Um,
it's a lot to think about. I want to know. So,
if you listen to this podcast and you don't have kids,
(31:30):
and you are one of those people that at least
part of the reason why you're listening is you're thinking
about it, or you're or you know that it's going
to happen, so you're starting the research. Do you do
you feel better about it? Do you feel worse about it?
Are you conflicted? Do we make parenting sound fun or
is this like a disaster? Because it is both. I
(31:53):
think we're real and that's good. I think that's good.
This segment is called do we Like How do you
like Us? I want to say about that email, though,
I think it's insane to take care of kids that
aren't your own for every waking hour of their day.
I mean, we don't have enough information to know if
that's like every day, but there it was like it
(32:15):
sounds like it was like five days a week like
they were, Well, there's three days a week. You don't
see your kids all day because they've gone while you're
bed and you get home after their sleep. Yeah, that's
great for me. I'm just saying someone else was here
watching them for every waking hour. Well, I'm sure there's
plenty of people. Well, we are good. We don't know
how many days a week that is. I'm just saying
(32:36):
I think we live in nanny like that. That sounds
horrible because it's like all the work for the nanny,
for the children. Yeah, for the nanny. I'm not worried
about the kids. Um, well, I hope you got paid. Well.
I'm not trying to shame working moms that people should
work if they want to work or have to. Um,
(32:56):
I just think that sounds like a horrible job for
the name. Any Alright, this next email comes to us
from the one and only Barb. We love Barb, which
we keep talking about Barb. Barbares to us a lot,
and uh, Barb, Barb got a little sassly with this one.
I think we talked about chores and and UM allowance
(33:21):
and paying your kids. We since talked about this, and
actually I think last week or the week before, I remember,
UM decided that teaching kids too well, you know what
Barbe says it here, UM, So here's what you have
to say. It starts like this. Nope, Nope, nope, exclamation
(33:43):
points added after more after each Nope. Basically, you really
need to teach your kids to clean up after themselves
occasionally others, to be a good citizen, but don't pay
them for chores. Why intrinsic versus extrinsic motive extrinsic motivation.
In the beginning, children are generally intrinsically motivated. They want
(34:05):
to please others. The idea is to teach them to
be internally motivated and therefore take care of their spaces. Essentially,
to help out around the house helps them, which helps
the family. So I will say this, I am a
very money motivated person. If you offer me money, chances
are I'll do it a lot of money, I'll prioritize it.
(34:25):
When did this develop? When my parents started paying me
for chores? Generally, I'm not the best housekeeper. I'm organized,
but I can push out. I can push off cleaning
for a while. Laundry is generally something I always take
care of, and I have a robot vacuum cleaner, which
helps a lot. I'd rather be outside doing outside chores.
You don't have to pay me to do outside chores.
(34:46):
But if I had my mom following me around offering
me to pay me to dust or vacuum in my house,
I totally do more chores. But I'm an adult. My
mom doesn't live with me, so Dustin can wait. Smiley Emergy,
be careful about paying kids to do things winky emoji.
They grow into adults who require conversation for everything winking
(35:07):
emoji L O L barb. Yeah. So we had since
talked about this, right, We talked about not giving kids
rewards for everything and limiting rewards. I agree that you
shouldn't use bribery or payment to get uh like case
(35:29):
by case things done. I think There is an argument
for allowance, which is you get a regular allowance like
once a week, um, and there's like a certain job
you have to accomplish and if you don't accomplish it,
you don't get your allowance. But beyond that, the like
day to day stuff we need to pick up, We
need to do all that. That can't be You can't
(35:52):
motivate somebody through sort of bribing or punishment. It is
this is your job. We have to do it. Here's
what it is. And the sure's thing needs to be regular,
and it is more about this. I just I thought
Barb nailed it, and I wanted to continue to yell
at Nope, Nope, nope, Merb. I'm just imagining her getting
(36:19):
all riled up in cubicle land. She's there, she's there
right now, she's there right now at nighttime. Well, she's
not listening at nighttime. Right now is a nighttime everyone
else is listening. Let's listen to at night I'm I'm
speaking directly to Barb right now, right now. It's definitely
not nighttime. The work day. Keep working, Barb. All right,
(36:40):
We're gonna hit one more email. We talked a while
back about death talking about death with your kids. And
we obviously haven't had to have that conversation in uh,
in relation to any sort of personal experience for our kids.
We've been talking about it in the abstract and specifically.
(37:01):
And he was an old lady who swallowed a fly book.
Why is she buried unto the ground now? Um, But
we've had a couple of really interesting emails with people
who have obviously had to deal with us, and a
lot of people do um and uh, Tim wrote in
and I'm gonna jump around a little bit, but essentially, uh,
(37:22):
so his father passed away and his he has two
girls six and almost three at the time, and uh,
here's what he had to say. So, the thing that
jumped out at me from your conversation was that you
addressed the idea of kids response to a death in
the family to how they might speak about it at school.
A bit that you did not mention is how the
(37:45):
kids may react to their own parents response to the
death of a loved one, uh, the death of one
of their grandparents. In our case, at least, this was
a large part of the conversation. So at the time, again,
their girls were three six and most three and as
to the kid's reaction. It varied between the two based
(38:07):
on age. The youngest understands the concept of her grandfather's death,
but does not understand the impact of this on other people.
We go to visit her grandmother, and she, in the
interviewing intervening eight months, always responds upon our arrival with
where is Pop Pop? Oh? I remember Pop Pop died?
(38:28):
Our older daughter had a much better understanding, but still
of course processes the situation from her point of view
and does not always have a next level understanding of
how the same event could be perceived by others. So,
my father passed away in December, but because of the
funeral and work commitments um his girls didn't see so
(38:52):
they did not see me more and my father until
mid February. In the neediate aftermath and needed to set
up step up as the oldest child and take care
of insurance and all of those things. And we had
the unfortunate timing that all of this happened. Why I
while I for the company that I'm owner of, was
preparing for our largest annual event, did the job, got
through it, got home and collapsed, And six weeks after
(39:16):
my dad's passing, I started to process it. Our daughters
then saw me morning my dad, their grandfather. It changed
things in their mind. The way they spoke about it changed.
The movie Coco was released a few days after I
got home, and the girls and my wife both were
treated to my ugly crying. Time passes, conversations happened, Yes,
(39:39):
pop up dive, No, we will not be seeing him tomorrow.
And obviously this is this just there's a lot more
than Tim wrote in here, and there's a lot of
specifics and particularities to this that obviously I had never
considered because this hasn't happened to me. Um, But that
idea really struck me. That the uh that it's not
(40:03):
the event itself, I mean, that's gonna affect these kids
obviously will, but the idea that how everyone is behaving
around them in reaction to that event, of course, I
think they have a profound effect on the kid's perception
of what it is and what it means. Yeah, that's
(40:23):
really interesting because I mean, obviously you don't want to
overload little kids with that kind of thing, but it
is also I think, in some ways good for them
to see that we all have emotions and that you know,
being sad isn't a bad thing, as the movie Inside
Out taught us, all Um, it's I think it's sadness
(40:44):
is the hero of the movie. It was just it's
there's that, there is a place for it, and it's
there for a reason. No, tears are sometimes good and healing.
In our culture pushes those emotions down and doesn't talk
about death, and I think to give kids a taste
of that. It's not a horrible thing. Yeah, I mean,
(41:07):
obviously we don't have that to deal with at the moment,
but in just talking about it in general, I think
since we last talked about it, more and more, uh like, yeah,
you don't want to overload them, but I don't want
to be it. I don't want it to be a
thing like well, it's just this. I can't deal with that.
(41:27):
We're not talking about that. When it comes up, we're
gonna talk about it again. That's what my mom always was,
just like, well, here's the thing, here's what it is.
Nothing we can do about it. Let's have dinner. This
has been we knows parenting. Guys, Thanks for listening. If
(41:47):
you can help us out, please rate, review and subscribe
on iTunes. The ratings really help us get some visibility.
Yeah up, you vent us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at
we Knows Paul. And if you'd like to submit a
question or share a story, you give some advice, et cetera.
You can do so through those social media outlets, but
you can also email us at we Knows pod at
(42:11):
gmail dot com or leave us a voicemail at three
four seven three eight four s six. You can also
find all that info on our website, we Knows Parenting
dot com. Hey, you want to buy a shirt, you
can go there too. You can do that merch. We
got it, baby, Thank you. Okay, guys, have a great week.
Please promise, please please have a great week. All right,
(42:35):
We love you. Goodbye,
Hello, Welcome to Me Knows Parenting and parenting podcast goes
to buy real life comedian parents. I'm Beth Newell. I'm
Peter McNerney. Hi. Hi, we had You're home. We're home.
We had a slightly less crazy week, I was gonna say,
but it's also still a continuation of craziness. Um, I will.
I had the most the busiest week of my entire year,
(00:36):
but yours was more relaxed. Oh my god. So first
of all, okay, take a step back. You were gone
last week? Yeah, we had that. What an incredible interview
over the phone. How was that to be in a
hotel room to record your husband wife podcast? You know,
it was good in the sense that I was less
(00:57):
a part of the podcast and it took very sure
because you hate me in this right. Well, because work
trips when your parents are like vacation, it's like your
only time to really be alone and not on call.
So to have to do a work thing while I
was staying in a hotel was not my ideal. Um,
(01:19):
So you've been back for a while. Is it is
it everything you remembered? What's different? Like it's a whole
new world now, it's it's fall sort of sort of September.
Kids are in school, Branson pre K. Things are chugging along.
All of a sudden, it's halfway through the the mom.
(01:40):
He's started to tell me about pre K. He's starting
to know kids names. He told me today in the
car um there's a girl in his class. I don't
remember her name, but he told me and he said,
she's she's very big. And he went his hands up
and I was like, oh, she's taller than you, because
(02:00):
she's she's she's much taller than me. I'm pretty short,
and he goes, but I'm heavy. She's she's bigger, but
she's light. That's what his um. His best friend's dad
picked him up the other day for some reason, and
he said, wow, he's heavy because Britain is shorter than
(02:21):
his best friend. And I think our kids, much like
our families, are solidly built, thick, thick spout tree trunks. Yeah,
it's so. It's so because they're all you know, if
if you everyone in free K had turned forward this
year or will turn four this year, and that age
(02:45):
is like wildly different sizes. Yeah, but he's the thing
about him describing the girl's very your mind that he
was telling me something. He was like, He's like, that's
so funny. Maybe it's quite funny because he's been watching
so much Pepper Pig. I love Pepper Pig. It's great.
(03:07):
I you know, you don't usually pay for shows that
are not on Netflix or wherever we get our shows,
but when Bryn has the Apple Remote and you don't
have it password protected, we buy a lot of things
on iTunes. I mean, but this, you know, this was
mainly inspired by a guilt purchase I made at the
airport a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't seeing
my kids, which is just to get them a gift,
(03:29):
and I got the Pepper Pig action figures and I
was like, sure, I'll buy an episode of Pepper Pig
so they know what the heck this is and now
they are hooked. It is such a delightful I'm Pepper
Pig show. I like the vibe. There's not a ton
of conflict, there's a lot of laughing. Yeah, it's so simple,
and I'm like, this doesn't It's not like so much
(03:51):
children's media that's talking down to kids in that look
how bright and squeaky I am. I don't actually have
a personality. It drives me nout because kids, kids connect
with characters that act like real characters and it's very
simple and straightforward, but it it does actually uh, it's
not belittling. I just like that they're always giggling and
(04:13):
then it makes Brettan Mayven giggle and they're like, they
laugh at it a lot, I know, and they giggle.
The pigs on the show giggle and they're like, I'm George.
George's a little uh wink. Any thing I like about
the show is that the protagonist is a girl, which
(04:36):
is not unique to that show, but it is still
kind of rare. Um may even really identifies with Peppa.
I think so because it's now she has like a
main character and an action figure that she's like, this
is me. This feels like me, Pep, And I think
she likes the idea that she has a little brother,
George George. My kids hate it when I do voices,
(04:58):
which is very hard for because I like to do
voices and at a bedtime and I'll read and I'll
try to give accents of things, and most of the
time brands like no use daddy's voice. It's funny because
you do have a very similar vibe to Daddy Pig. Well,
that's the thing is they love it when I do
Daddy Pig and I go hello, I shall read this
(05:19):
book with you now, and they're like, yeah, that's just
a normal voice. That's who you are. Peppa. Well, it's delightful,
and we own a lot of so I'll just get
emails that our iTunes receipts and once one morning I
looked at my phone and there was just like eight
individual episodes purchased and it was not by you or me. No.
(05:43):
Brand has been getting into so many things lately. He
talking about his snacks for pre k he ate, I
pre prepared some snacks for a couple of days of
pre prepared some SNAs it was gonna say, like it's
like prep like mail preps. But so I packed up
a couple of top wars to have some snacks ready
to go, you know, carrots, cheese, etcetera. Bryn Well, I
(06:07):
went to go put it in his bag this morning
and I saw too and there was one with a
string cheese and some fruit in it. And there's another
one with like two tiny pieces of turkey, And I
was like, what the hell did best pack this? Like
this is it originally full of blueberries and many pieces
of ty. Yeah, it was later that our son wakes
(06:28):
up in the morning and then just everything there is
still a full salami that's missing or bryn ate a
full so that's in a tupperware in the fridge. Well few,
but he just I want to say, maybe he's going
through a growth spurt because the hunger is out of control.
(06:49):
And he he always says, now around bedtime, he says,
my tummy's grumbling, I'm hungry. Well he does. He's a
terrible lead, like he won't eat his full dinner and
I was like, all right, we're not gonna eat anything else.
He goes, I'm not hungry, and then he will find
food everywhere. Well that's because he's snacking, and then he's
(07:10):
not hungry for dinner, and then he finds more food. Man,
we're terrible parents who don't put our foot down about dinner.
And I some nights I'm like, all right, weren't you
don't leave the table too, We're all done, And then
I'm like this is too hard. Well, his new thing too,
is that he's dragging stools and things over to the
counter and climbing up, so he can get into almost
(07:31):
everything now, and he's very aggressive about it. He's always
working on it, always scheming. He's like trying to eat toothpaste.
Um he well, I don't I don't know if I
told the story, but like a couple of weeks ago,
he was trying to drag one of the stools out
of our bedroom to the living room and he he
uh walked in the bedroom where I was sitting with
(07:53):
my laptop and he goes, look at your computer. Okay,
just look at your computer, which is really weird because
he's always telling us to put our phones away and
to look at him. Yeah, he was like, was just
to focus on your computer now, and then hey, this
isn't suspicious, so don't look over here. I don't know
(08:13):
why you are. Just keep doing what you're doing and
not looking at me. Okay. Um so he so then
he tried to drag us to all out of the bedroom,
out of the bedroom to go climb up in the cabinets. Um. Yeah,
he's horrible. I mean he's the best, but boy, he's horrible. Yeah.
He came by me. I was working tonight and he
(08:35):
came by me and he had something in his mouth,
and he's just tiptoed by, staring straight at me, and
I was like, what do you have? And he goes
and then covers up in the mouth and runs away.
He's so bad at hiding things. He's always trying to
get in trouble. He's like a four year old. Another
thing he's been trying to do recently too, is enlist
(08:55):
Maven and creating chaos. So like, if I'm trying to
get them both to bed and they're fighting me, he'll
I'll be like grabbing him and then he's like Maven
run and she's and she'll like do that thing where
she like nods her head. She's like, okay, um, so
let's talk about the bedtime we just did. So we're
(09:18):
recording an eight typle time. This is Monday night. We're
releasing this episode in like I don't even know what
day it is anymore. This week he's been insane. It's
been nuts. Uh, but bedtime, So we recorded later to
night what you're trying not to do? Um, but you
were home, which you typically are not home Monday nights
(09:40):
when they go to bed, you get home after their sleeping.
That I you've been working a lot this week and
I've been home since my trip, I've been home a
lot more and they so I've been doing these bedtimes
with them, and then the whole system has just fallen apart. Yeah. There,
I went to put it in the y and put
it in the bed and they were saying no, and
I'm so I had a tear brain out of his pants,
(10:04):
and I knew that it was going to be a
bad one where I had to like force him, and
so I just now try. I just know that I
cannot show him heightened emotions. I just go, I'm I'm
giving you five seconds d doing that. And he's screaming
and he is kicking me, and he's like definantly kicking
the wall on the floor because I tell him not
(10:25):
to do that because the downstairs neighbor. And so I'm like,
I'm not, can't let you kick me a can that's?
I grab his feet and I'm holding him and I
know it's freaking out, but I just have to show
him that it's no big deal. But it's got bad
when you were gone this week, because I um, he
does this thing where he tries to convince me to
(10:46):
let him stay up and watch grown up TV. TV,
because grown up TV is his compromise for not getting
to watch regular TV. He's like, he's like, I'll let
you just do what you want if you just let
me stay up with you. So he does that. So
I've been incredibly tired some nights to the point where
I do do that, or or I fight him for
so long and then he just keeps coming out, and
(11:06):
I finally just let him lay in my bed in
the dark and I pretend I'm going to sleep until
he falls asleep. Um, So that's been Yeah, that's what's
going on, because that's not going to happen. He also
started describing it as secrets, and he says that we're
not going to tell you. It's just our secret, because
he's trying to convince you that that is your secret. Yeah,
(11:28):
that it's it's a secret the two of us are
going to share. And he got last night, I was
like putting my foot down more, and he goes, we're
going to do secrets again tonight. Okay, mommy. Um, he
learned in an unhealthy relationship. I know he's pushing you around.
This secrets idea, as you know, came from our babysitter
who is in a bit of a daycare drama where
(11:53):
I don't even know if we want to get into
this on here, but oh boy, I'm too scared to
We're wrapped up in a lot of drawing. I'm off
between our daycare and their employees, and we're in the
middle of it, and I am I'm too scared to
talk about it. Yeah. Anyway, our son was told to
keep secrets um and then I was trying to tell
(12:14):
him that he can't ever keep secrets from me and you,
because it's really dangerous for kids to think keeping secrets
is an idea. But I was trying to tell him
and he was like, yeah, we only tell mommy and
daddy about this one secret. I'm like, if you want
Bryn to make sure, if you want to make sure
that Bryn tells somebody something, tell him it's a secret.
(12:37):
I think he was already going to tell everybody because
the thing that he was supposed to keep secret happening
on a very specific day. And he's obsessed now with
the days of the week and saying what is happening
on certain days or has happened on certain days. So
I think there's a very high chance that he would
have described the secret in great detail. He realized, this
(12:59):
whole segment is us not explaining what happened and what
the secret is. You know what, here's the fun game
for the week. I want you to write in and
tell us what you think the secret is. Tell us
a story, and we're going to read the best dramas
that that are potentially happening or not happening in our lives.
(13:20):
We'll call it We Knows parenting fan fiction. Now it's
time for We Knows Winds. This is where we share
a parenting success story for the week. Elizabeth, you have something. Yeah, So, um,
(13:41):
I was picking Brent up at daycare on Friday, which
is sort of tens of your night to go out
to eat with the kids or trying to do something fun.
But you were gone, so it's just me and the kids,
and I was like, am I gonna take them out alone?
It's kind of a grind to deal with them at
both at a restaurant, but I was like, you know what,
I want to do something fun and distract them. So
I picked him up. Brands immediately starts crying when I
(14:02):
walk in because he's sad about leaving his best friend.
And I was like, well, well, maybe we'll see him
over the weekend. So we leave and then I take
them to the pizza place we like, and we're sitting
outside on the sidewalk and I just decided, like, you
know what, I'll text his best friends parents, um and
see if they're like looking for something to do, because
(14:24):
this is like blocks from where they live. So I
text the dad because that's the phone number we have
who you've been texting with a lot to set up lateates. Um,
sweetest guy in the world. UM. Part of why this
is a win is because I think, you know, we're
both kind of shy about like making these kinds of plans,
(14:47):
and I don't tend to like really go out of
my way to make plans with people I don't know
very well. But you know, your kids leave you to
desperate measures. So I was. I texted him and he
his wife was still working, and he was kind of like,
I don't know if we can do it, blah blah blah.
He like kind of changed his mind two or three times,
and then he showed up and he just kind of
(15:09):
walked up with his son, and Brynn was so excited
and they sat with us and got some pizza and
we had this long dinner. Um, just sitting there while Brennan,
his best friend, ran up and down the sidewalk and
started talking to everyone. And they started talking to this
young girl who was eating dinner there. And what does
(15:30):
young girl mean? She was like college age and she
was with an older woman who I guess was her
former nanny. They were like, it was really funny. So
so they were talking to this girl, Brannan his best friend,
and like, she was so friendly, so I didn't really
feel like she was they were bothering her. How was
he introducing himself to people? He was just walking up
(15:53):
to strangers eating their dinner. The two of them would
go up to her and say, we're friends, and then
Brin would be like, my name is Bryn b r
y n um. So she yeah, she was enjoying them.
And so I was telling this dad that we're with.
I was like, man, she's so friendly, Like she seems great.
I kind of think I should get her phone number
(16:16):
in case she's a babysitter. But then, being shy, I
wasn't like going over there. Alsome mayven in my lap
for like this whole time. Uh, So our dad friend
was like, oh, and he just walks over to her
and he's like, hey, do you babysit? And he got
her number, so we now have her number. Boy, he
is so good. I mean, we're friends with him because
(16:38):
he's like, hey, we come over and we're like, all right,
I am so afraid of people. I need people like him.
He's great. I like, I cannot believe how not awkward
it was to sit and eat dinner with him while
our kids ran around. It was very it was very
relaxing to have someone else there who I knew in
an emergency would get up and grab our kids while
(17:01):
Maven was in my lap. When they ran straight into
the street, he would be there. Well, they were like
constantly in the way of pedestrians, but I would have
been stressed about that. Yeah, I think it was the
right parent pairing because I think you and Brand's best
friend's mom would have not ty to take care of
too many things, and you guys let it the head
of Yeah, we were just like, so they got a
(17:23):
new babysitter. Huh, I guess, so maybe let's let's text her, Hey,
I need still need to take you after your birthday. Oh,
this is the other thing is, um, Brian's best friend
is always telling women they're beautiful and that he likes
their hair. And so he not Brand's friend, Brand's best friend.
He's a very sweet boy. And he what did he
(17:45):
say to her? He said, well, so he yelled like
at this other girl who was talking about He didn't yell.
He was just like, oh, look at that beautiful girl
or something like that. And it was like a ten
year old and she looked back and was smiling so hard,
like she should not believe it. And then look at
that beautiful girl. And then this potential new babysitter was
leaving and they were like by Katie by and and
(18:09):
Brin's best friend was like, I like the back of
your shirt. I like the front of your shirt. I
like your hair. You're beautiful. And she just had to
keep turning around and being like thank you. Um so
I think they're going to get along, well, all of them.
I just had a real distinct memory of being that
(18:30):
kid in pre k and kindergarten that would tell girls
that they're beautiful, the flirt. Yeah. I used to braid
girl's hair on the rainbow carpet, and in my mind
I was a hero for it. But maybe I was
forcing forcing them to look funny, because you know, the
(18:50):
feminist in me is like, maybe this is not like habits.
We want our kids to have to comment on people's appearances.
But then when you see a little kid do it
like that and everyone they say it too, just lights
up in excitement when they hear it. It's just like,
I mean, I never I mean, except when I was
(19:11):
in kindergarten comment on people's appearance. Ah. But boy, yeah,
if somebody uh told me I was beautiful, i'd bush
because you wouldn't know it because it's under my beard. Peter,
You're beautiful. This next segment is called wood you knows.
(19:35):
It's where we share parenting related facts. Okay, okay, okay.
This is some stuff that I've read on NPR something. Uh.
This is about so I'm gonna summarize this. Bilingual kids
have a leg up when it comes to empathy skills.
(19:59):
This this is a really fascinating article that talks about
a whole lot of things to sort of like what, um,
growing up in either bilingual home or going to school
and having a different language and using both of them. Um.
So there's a bunch of really fascinating skills that are
developed with that. But the one that I want to
(20:21):
focus on that that was really interesting is has to
do with empathy. So young children being raised bilingual have
to follow social cues to figure out which language to
use with which person and in what's setting. And as
a result, by lingual children as young as age three
have demonstrated a headstart on tests of perspective taking in
(20:42):
theory of mind, both of which are fundamental social and
emotional skills. So theory of mind is that you know
that I'm able to look at you, see how you're behaving,
and hear what you say, and in my brain I
open up a mental space that is your brain, and
basically I can buy proxy approximate like what what you're
(21:05):
thinking and what you're feeling, and I can actually feel
those things. And that's the heart of empathy, watching a
person and not only interpreting what they're thinking and feeling,
but in some way thinking and feeling the same thing.
And so bilingual kids are much more attuned to context
and behavior in social cues and having to switch between modes,
(21:29):
they're basically forced to pay attention to people, pay attention
to the way people behave and as a result, they
can relate to them, you know, And this is you know,
of course, an incredible argument for diversity. To be around
people that aren't exactly like you forces you to pay
a little bit more attention to how different people communicate,
(21:53):
how different people talk to each other. There's actually, um,
there's some articles about this out. How often, you know,
wealthy white neighborhoods will try to keep the school segregated
because they think it's giving their kids a better education.
But actually, uh, school integration not only doesn't hurt the
white kids, but it helps everyone. It's it's just everyone
(22:16):
is better off for it. Yeah, I mean this. So
this has been an exciting time with Brin going to
pre K and his daycare is bilingual, so every other
day is in Spanish, and there are some kids there
that at least according to Brin I think, don't speak English,
or at least it's the second language. And now at
(22:39):
pre K, I've been out front with that line of
kids and it's really exciting how diverse it is, like
it is a it is a really great mix of people,
not like when I was growing up, you know, which
was you know, a northern Chicago suburbs, super segregated, very
very white. Um uh, and that's why I'm such a
(23:03):
terrible person, you know. I would also imagine that, you know,
language give things. Language gives things meaning, So if you're
having two sets of language, you might have some added
meaning to the world. And I think, I mean Brin,
a part of why he wasn't really telling us about
preschool early on was one because he was a little
(23:26):
bit mad about it, But too, I think he just
didn't know the names of anyone there, and it was
really hard for him to talk about it. And I
think once he had some names and faces, he's starting
to like be like, oh my teacher, blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, he's talking way more about it because specifically
about that. Actually more in this article does talk about that.
(23:46):
Especially kids um in English speaking classrooms who are English
as a second language have a stronger understanding of language
in general, like just being able to piece together sort
of the construction of language because they have two different
contexts and so they have more information. I mean, against
(24:10):
that same argument, you're exposed to more variations of it
and you've got a fuller picture. Yeah. I'm still confused though,
as to how our children spend every other day in
a Spanish daycare and they never speak a word of
Spanish around us. Well, I think it's I think they
(24:31):
probably speak way more Spanish, uh obviously at daycaret then
at home because it is it's context specific. Like I
think they get home and they're like, you idiots don't
understand that. Like when I try to speak Spanish, they're
like this, no, this dead year in the wrong context.
You're not supposed to speak. It's stupid when you do it. Um.
But I I've heard them say little things like today
(24:53):
they were leaving, you know, and he said audios, which
when I'm there in him he turns that off. But
like when you hear these little casual phrases, um, um,
you just occasionally get like one word or name out
of him and you realize he has like an impeccable
Spanish accent, and it's like, why is he not speaking
(25:14):
more Spanish? Oh? Did I say this? So? I was
running auditions for Sorry Price all last week, and um,
somebody came into audition who had an accent and because
of Brin, so her name is Erica. This this person
auditioning and because Brin has someone that he knows named Erica,
(25:41):
who he always pronounces Edika because he's surrounded by these
women who speak Spanish and that's her name, and that
that is her name. Uh. So I was calling you.
I'm like, all right, this person is like this person,
and without thinking, I was like, all right, up next Edika,
and she goes, um, it's Erica, and I was like, oh,
(26:01):
I'm yeah yeah, And I was like, oh my god,
I just came across as this like the white guy
who was trying way too hard, condescending and it was
so embarrassing. But I couldn't explain it. I was just like, okay, cool, yeah,
I go. But like that's how I think of that
name now, because I've said it so many times. I'm like,
(26:22):
all right, up next Edika, it's Erica. So I thought
I forgot about it. It was so embarrassing. I'm so
scared to speak Spanish, uh in like certain contexts that
like I overthink it and then they am not doing
it at all, like you're ordering in a restaurant in
(26:44):
another language. Like I'll just I know that I know
the words. I've took seven years of Spanish. I can
read Spanish and order in Spanish, but every time it's
about to happen, I just panic and I point to it.
I'm like, I have this, Why is that? It feels
like I'm not allowed, like I'm disrespecting the language to
(27:04):
try to say it right. If I hadn't grown up
around so many white people, I'd be more comfortable doing it.
Saying boyo, boyo, that's a really bad joke. That's you
can't that's not even a joke. I'm just saying words
that sounded like, oh gosh, this just you're saying, poyo,
(27:26):
oh boyo, was not a joke. Mhmm, point taken. That's
another another thing Brian and his friend have been really
into is playing um. We talked about this before the
Rhyman game. Have you ever seen a yeah? Whatever? Brand
still does not understand it, understands laughing all but he
(27:50):
laughs so hard at his own things. So it's always
like have you ever seen a cheetah eating abda? Or
it's just like, have you ever seen a cheetah eating
a rug? And then he laughs hysterically. What's it? Was like,
my middle name is this? My middle name? Isn't that
(28:11):
something something that rhymes with that? And then brend goes
my Neddle middle name is brand. My middle name is
not Charlie. If you don't talk to me, I'll give
you a hand. It's really funny. He doesn't get it.
(28:34):
This next segment is called Listeners Want to Know. It's
where we take some questions and thoughts from our listeners. Alright,
we're gonna catch up on some listener mail. Um. These
are from many of our last episode. So here's ah.
Here's one we asked a while back, why the hell
do you listen to this show if you're not a parent?
Emma here wrote in and gave us her answer. Hi,
(28:57):
Beth and Peter, Hi, Emma, I think on your last
podcast episode or one of the previous ones is actually
probably a while now. You're talking about why younger people
without children listen to you. I can't speak for anyone
else but me, but as a twenty two year old woman,
I listened to you one because you guys are awesome
and funny, and too because I was a living in
(29:22):
for the past two and a half years for family
of a three and five year old, and I can
somehow relate to what you're talking about. Parents were working
night shifts, so I was in charge of everything from
the moment they woke up in the morning to when
they went to bed. I am no stranger to kids
pooping in the bathtub. Sadly, it's not sad, it's it's great.
It's a gift. It's a life experience. Working with kids
(29:45):
made me think a lot about if I would ever
want kids on my own some day. Uh and uh,
I'm still unsure about it. And I guess I'm listening
to you and other parenting stuff to try to make
my own decision. Little bit question mark. It's kind of informative.
It's kind of informative. Anyway. I love the podcast, and
(30:06):
I think you guys are awesome. Emma, you're right, this
show is kind of informative, kind of informative. Um, I
actually have since then, I had a lot of people,
um tell me that listen to the show, and maybe
we've talked about this, but most people in my social
circle don't have kids. They aren't married because most of
(30:27):
them are a little bit younger than me, and we're
all comedians and when we get married and have kids
later than the normal. But I'm realizing that a lot
of people that talk to me about it are the
people that are clearly thinking about it, and that's them
sort of letting me in on it. Not all of them.
(30:48):
A lot of people, Yeah, a lot of people who
talk to me about this podcast do not have kids,
and I do you do see a certain like glint
in someone's eye when they're clearly thinking about having kids,
but they're not necessarily saying it. And it's not even
just related to the podcast. But I've had people ask
me about pregnancy and stuff and you can just tell
(31:09):
they're sort of like, whether they're thinking about it for
like this year or in the future. You can tell
they're like chewing it. They're like, what is this? Um,
it's a lot to think about. I want to know. So,
if you listen to this podcast and you don't have kids,
(31:30):
and you are one of those people that at least
part of the reason why you're listening is you're thinking
about it, or you're or you know that it's going
to happen, so you're starting the research. Do you do
you feel better about it? Do you feel worse about it?
Are you conflicted? Do we make parenting sound fun or
is this like a disaster? Because it is both. I
(31:53):
think we're real and that's good. I think that's good.
This segment is called do we Like How do you
like Us? I want to say about that email, though,
I think it's insane to take care of kids that
aren't your own for every waking hour of their day.
I mean, we don't have enough information to know if
that's like every day, but there it was like it
(32:15):
sounds like it was like five days a week like
they were, Well, there's three days a week. You don't
see your kids all day because they've gone while you're
bed and you get home after their sleep. Yeah, that's
great for me. I'm just saying someone else was here
watching them for every waking hour. Well, I'm sure there's
plenty of people. Well, we are good. We don't know
how many days a week that is. I'm just saying
(32:36):
I think we live in nanny like that. That sounds
horrible because it's like all the work for the nanny,
for the children. Yeah, for the nanny. I'm not worried
about the kids. Um, well, I hope you got paid. Well.
I'm not trying to shame working moms that people should
work if they want to work or have to. Um,
(32:56):
I just think that sounds like a horrible job for
the name. Any Alright, this next email comes to us
from the one and only Barb. We love Barb, which
we keep talking about Barb. Barbares to us a lot,
and uh, Barb, Barb got a little sassly with this one.
I think we talked about chores and and UM allowance
(33:21):
and paying your kids. We since talked about this, and
actually I think last week or the week before, I remember,
UM decided that teaching kids too well, you know what
Barbe says it here, UM, So here's what you have
to say. It starts like this. Nope, Nope, nope, exclamation
(33:43):
points added after more after each Nope. Basically, you really
need to teach your kids to clean up after themselves
occasionally others, to be a good citizen, but don't pay
them for chores. Why intrinsic versus extrinsic motive extrinsic motivation.
In the beginning, children are generally intrinsically motivated. They want
(34:05):
to please others. The idea is to teach them to
be internally motivated and therefore take care of their spaces. Essentially,
to help out around the house helps them, which helps
the family. So I will say this, I am a
very money motivated person. If you offer me money, chances
are I'll do it a lot of money, I'll prioritize it.
(34:25):
When did this develop? When my parents started paying me
for chores? Generally, I'm not the best housekeeper. I'm organized,
but I can push out. I can push off cleaning
for a while. Laundry is generally something I always take
care of, and I have a robot vacuum cleaner, which
helps a lot. I'd rather be outside doing outside chores.
You don't have to pay me to do outside chores.
(34:46):
But if I had my mom following me around offering
me to pay me to dust or vacuum in my house,
I totally do more chores. But I'm an adult. My
mom doesn't live with me, so Dustin can wait. Smiley Emergy,
be careful about paying kids to do things winky emoji.
They grow into adults who require conversation for everything winking
(35:07):
emoji L O L barb. Yeah. So we had since
talked about this, right, We talked about not giving kids
rewards for everything and limiting rewards. I agree that you
shouldn't use bribery or payment to get uh like case
(35:29):
by case things done. I think There is an argument
for allowance, which is you get a regular allowance like
once a week, um, and there's like a certain job
you have to accomplish and if you don't accomplish it,
you don't get your allowance. But beyond that, the like
day to day stuff we need to pick up, We
need to do all that. That can't be You can't
(35:52):
motivate somebody through sort of bribing or punishment. It is
this is your job. We have to do it. Here's
what it is. And the sure's thing needs to be regular,
and it is more about this. I just I thought
Barb nailed it, and I wanted to continue to yell
at Nope, Nope, nope, Merb. I'm just imagining her getting
(36:19):
all riled up in cubicle land. She's there, she's there
right now, she's there right now at nighttime. Well, she's
not listening at nighttime. Right now is a nighttime everyone
else is listening. Let's listen to at night I'm I'm
speaking directly to Barb right now, right now. It's definitely
not nighttime. The work day. Keep working, Barb. All right,
(36:40):
We're gonna hit one more email. We talked a while
back about death talking about death with your kids. And
we obviously haven't had to have that conversation in uh,
in relation to any sort of personal experience for our kids.
We've been talking about it in the abstract and specifically.
(37:01):
And he was an old lady who swallowed a fly book.
Why is she buried unto the ground now? Um, But
we've had a couple of really interesting emails with people
who have obviously had to deal with us, and a
lot of people do um and uh, Tim wrote in
and I'm gonna jump around a little bit, but essentially, uh,
(37:22):
so his father passed away and his he has two
girls six and almost three at the time, and uh,
here's what he had to say. So, the thing that
jumped out at me from your conversation was that you
addressed the idea of kids response to a death in
the family to how they might speak about it at school.
A bit that you did not mention is how the
(37:45):
kids may react to their own parents response to the
death of a loved one, uh, the death of one
of their grandparents. In our case, at least, this was
a large part of the conversation. So at the time, again,
their girls were three six and most three and as
to the kid's reaction. It varied between the two based
(38:07):
on age. The youngest understands the concept of her grandfather's death,
but does not understand the impact of this on other people.
We go to visit her grandmother, and she, in the
interviewing intervening eight months, always responds upon our arrival with
where is Pop Pop? Oh? I remember Pop Pop died?
(38:28):
Our older daughter had a much better understanding, but still
of course processes the situation from her point of view
and does not always have a next level understanding of
how the same event could be perceived by others. So,
my father passed away in December, but because of the
funeral and work commitments um his girls didn't see so
(38:52):
they did not see me more and my father until
mid February. In the neediate aftermath and needed to set
up step up as the oldest child and take care
of insurance and all of those things. And we had
the unfortunate timing that all of this happened. Why I
while I for the company that I'm owner of, was
preparing for our largest annual event, did the job, got
through it, got home and collapsed, And six weeks after
(39:16):
my dad's passing, I started to process it. Our daughters
then saw me morning my dad, their grandfather. It changed
things in their mind. The way they spoke about it changed.
The movie Coco was released a few days after I
got home, and the girls and my wife both were
treated to my ugly crying. Time passes, conversations happened, Yes,
(39:39):
pop up dive, No, we will not be seeing him tomorrow.
And obviously this is this just there's a lot more
than Tim wrote in here, and there's a lot of
specifics and particularities to this that obviously I had never
considered because this hasn't happened to me. Um, But that
idea really struck me. That the uh that it's not
(40:03):
the event itself, I mean, that's gonna affect these kids
obviously will, but the idea that how everyone is behaving
around them in reaction to that event, of course, I
think they have a profound effect on the kid's perception
of what it is and what it means. Yeah, that's
(40:23):
really interesting because I mean, obviously you don't want to
overload little kids with that kind of thing, but it
is also I think, in some ways good for them
to see that we all have emotions and that you know,
being sad isn't a bad thing, as the movie Inside
Out taught us, all Um, it's I think it's sadness
(40:44):
is the hero of the movie. It was just it's
there's that, there is a place for it, and it's
there for a reason. No, tears are sometimes good and healing.
In our culture pushes those emotions down and doesn't talk
about death, and I think to give kids a taste
of that. It's not a horrible thing. Yeah, I mean,
(41:07):
obviously we don't have that to deal with at the moment,
but in just talking about it in general, I think
since we last talked about it, more and more, uh like, yeah,
you don't want to overload them, but I don't want
to be it. I don't want it to be a
thing like well, it's just this. I can't deal with that.
(41:27):
We're not talking about that. When it comes up, we're
gonna talk about it again. That's what my mom always was,
just like, well, here's the thing, here's what it is.
Nothing we can do about it. Let's have dinner. This
has been we knows parenting. Guys, Thanks for listening. If
(41:47):
you can help us out, please rate, review and subscribe
on iTunes. The ratings really help us get some visibility.
Yeah up, you vent us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at
we Knows Paul. And if you'd like to submit a
question or share a story, you give some advice, et cetera.
You can do so through those social media outlets, but
you can also email us at we Knows pod at
(42:11):
gmail dot com or leave us a voicemail at three
four seven three eight four s six. You can also
find all that info on our website, we Knows Parenting
dot com. Hey, you want to buy a shirt, you
can go there too. You can do that merch. We
got it, baby, Thank you. Okay, guys, have a great week.
Please promise, please please have a great week. All right,
(42:35):
We love you. Goodbye,
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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