January 14, 2020 • 54 mins
Nana and Grandad come to town for a second Christmas, Beth and Peter discuss the grieving process, Siri won’t stop interrupting, and finally, some big news...
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Oh we know it's parenting. Is here again? Here we are.
I'm Peter McNerney, I'm Beth Newell. Like I said, we're
here again. We're here again. What do you think it
was gonna be somebody else? What did you think you
were getting into? What do you think You hear that
awesome Mates of State theme song kick in and it'd
(00:32):
suddenly be two different people without kids? Think again, Mr.
I always I forget that that's our music, and I'm
having a completely different podcast experience to our listeners who
are hearing the words that I'm saying. Yeah, that's so
funny because I edit this so I hear that song
(00:53):
every single week, literally never. If you've wondered where does
that awesome theme song come from, it's made of State
Mates of State, which I said this on the podcast before,
But we're we're Mates of States fans back from our
college days. We always have been. And when I was
(01:13):
in college or just out of college, the female half
of Mats of State, I think, what's her name, I
don't know, Carrie Wrong, I don't know. Um. She had
a blog about like touring around with their kids, and
I was like, actually found it really inspirational to be
like a creative person can have a career and somehow
(01:35):
make it work with children. They're married, they have kids,
and they still do their thing. Yeah, they still do
their thing and they let us use their themes. So
they let us se themes. The story is incredible because
we were sending you know, the folks over at the network.
We're like, hey, what do you want your theme song
to be? Well, write it for you and Ago, Well,
here's a bunch of music styles that we like, and
(01:57):
we sound up a bunch of mates State and good
old Chuck Bryant as tonal examples. Yeah, we said, here's
the sound we're looking for. Everyone's favorite podcast host, Chuck
Bryant from Selfishnell movie Crush just said, Oh, I'll just
ask them. Of course he knows them. Of course we
didn't know, and they they let us use it. Yeah,
(02:20):
that's the story of the theme song. Life is like
a box of chocolates. You know what sometimes did you
ask you'll get the chocolate? Well, it's called manifesting folks. Folks. Folks. Um,
we started, we started using folks, and now we have
to use it for the rest of this podcast. Alright, folks, alright, folks,
(02:45):
what happened in this weekend? Are week in parenting? What
happened in this week? So we're finally back in our home.
We talked about that last week. No, yes, oh my gosh,
yeah we recorded here last week. Okay, but now we're
like settled, and the bathroom is so nice. The bathroom
is great. The lovely woman who UM comes twice a
(03:07):
month to clean UM was very impressed with the bathroom. Yeah,
she liked it. When she Yeah, she was like, oh,
And I was like, she's so happy to clean a
bathroom that doesn't have a rotting window sill. She's so
happy to have a bathroom that's clean. Uble She's like, oh,
(03:27):
you want me to clean this duct taped tile? Great? Um,
thank you. Yes. So we didn't mention this so long ago.
This we knew that this bathroom. But there was a
little soap dish in the tile wall of the shower
and one day you put your foot on it to
shave your legs, which is a reasonable thing to do,
(03:49):
and the whole thing just ripped out of the wall.
And so the solution was white du duct tape to
cover the hole for three years and literally really all
of the naked baby photos of our children over the
past five years have been with a mildowy tile behind
(04:10):
them and the duct tape tile. The duct tape was
surprised lasted a surprisingly long time without getting gross. I
replaced it, probably replaced it twice, yeah again instead of
getting it fixed. If I have one piece of advice
for people for being poor, it's find the money for
(04:33):
a duck team. Um. Yeah. Now the wooden window sill
inside the shower that just was in the corner of
the of this piece of wood, it was mostly as
soft as a blanket. This would because it was completely
rotted away and causing a leaf. Because a blanket what
(04:54):
a weird anoug is a blanket not soft. I feel
like we've covered the state of our bathroom before, so
we can move. Do you want to hear how I
got to the logic about blanket because I was like,
that's too soft, and then I was like a memory foam,
and I was like stop too weirdly, Okay, So then
(05:16):
I said blanket. We so that happened. Um. Our Christmas
presents are mostly packed away, although of course the box
we shipped back some of our presents from Chicago and
of like five boxes. The one that got lost was
the one that included very expensive gift cards. Um can
(05:40):
who knows what else we lost in there. We'll just
never remember, at least the book some pantowels fancy soap.
But so my dad went to the post office where
from which I mailed the boxes, because he has my
same name, and I knew exactly what time I sent them,
and I had of it from my credit card and
(06:01):
the other boxes, and I was like, well, they can
find the tracking number because they know exactly when we
send it. Nope, they don't do that. No, of course
they don't. It's the United States Postal Service. That's why
they give you the long receipt and they circle the
thing and they say, this is your tracking number. This
is now in your hands. But the thing that's crazy
is the that data exists very easily in their system.
(06:24):
Oh you mean the United States Postal Service has not
hired Harvard's top data collectors to connect their systems. And
you want bigger government? Is this what you want? Yeah?
I do want bigger, want more post That made me
sound a lot more Republican than let's not get on
(06:45):
this bath. So our kids had second Christmas. Your parents
came down this weekend. My parents came down and um,
they had some breaks is used in the last are
They had a drop in the shop. Luckily it was
not a huge deal. They got taken care of. Um.
(07:09):
But we have a lot more presence. This is what's
kind of stressing me out right now, is like as
a virgo who's always scanning my surroundings for flaws, the
we have too much stuff again, and we need to
get rid of stuff. And I know it's just like
to swear through all the toys is just such an
(07:29):
annoying chore. I secretly throw things away. I just do it.
I don't tell anyone. I do that too, But like
it needs an overhaul. It's we're a way, We're yeah,
it's overdue. It's just there's just so much stuff. It's like,
I think, what's frustrating, like for a lot of people.
(07:49):
And I don't think our family is particularly bad about this.
It's just that there's so many people who give you stuff.
But like I think our generation is like less likely
to own a home, like a physical home, and like
don't have as much space and don't have like like
there are is a little more conscious of the environment,
and our families still give us presents and you don't.
(08:14):
You can't be like, hey, stop giving us things like
it's hard to it's it's all still very very nice.
It's nice, love it, but it's just as a sum total,
it's so much stuff. The next day you're like, I
have no more cabinets. I mean someday, I guess we'll
have like a playroom, but it still feels like more
(08:34):
stuff than children can enjoy. Oh, the entire blanket is
falling off the wall. Wow, did you see that happening? Yeah,
after you started screaming about it, I could see it.
I can see it dropping if you're just kind of
a little echoly or around Beth. Because the incredible sound
(08:56):
installation system I have, which is literally hanging blankets all
around us, we sound like a mess. What we're actually
doing really well, everything we're good. Um, literally have a
new bathroom that we've mentioned nine million times. Okay, so
we my parents came. Oh so then on Sunday, my
(09:16):
parents had to hang out because their car was being
repaired because just classic family thing, their brakes started to fail.
It's such a classic family things. It's not classic my
family thing that on the one day they're coming here,
their brakes would stop working on their cars, so they like, um,
(09:38):
they had to get their car fixed, and so they're
barring our car. And then I took the kids after
you left on Sunday to go to work. I took
the kids to their hotel nearby, which has an indoor
pool in it, which we know about because your parents
stayed there and we went to that and so yeah,
but very warm. It is in that scenario, in like
(10:02):
an indoor hotel pool that clearly like everyone is coming by,
like just USA pool. I feel like I want there
to be way too much chlorine. I mean that is
that's their safety net, just kill everything. Yeah. I'm not
usually like a big germophobe, but in that scenario, let's
or not either. But it is. It's not like the
pool ice woman every day. It's like a one time
(10:25):
visit to like the most used pool in town. I
save that pool for a long long time and it
really dried me out. Yeah that's part of the fun.
But we took them to the pool um, which they love.
But of course when we got there, the floor was wet.
There's kids in the pool and Brin just like walking
(10:46):
a little too fast, his heel just like skidded. He
fell backwards, slammed his head into the ground and was crying,
and it was like, I mean his butt hit first,
so I was like, I don't think he has like
a cushion, but it's like not something you ever want
to see happen to your kid's head. And then he
calmed down and he seemed fine, and we played in
(11:07):
the pool for a while, and then we're getting out
of the pool and then Maven just standing there like
barely even walking. She does the same thing and slams
like the side of her head into the ground, what
like just really hard like slams, and it's just like,
(11:28):
oh my god. And then she's like crying and like,
you know, and I've talked about this in the past,
how when we're with our families, they're not like as
tuned into kids needs as we are. So while I'm
trying to comfort throw me into that, well, I just
think people who don't spend every single day of their
(11:48):
life with our children are not as aware of their
quirks and videosyncrasies. So that's happening. And I'm looking over
at Bryan, who like, because when this happened with Brint earlier,
Maybe is just like stumbling around, and I was like,
can you please just sit down like for once, you know,
Like I'm just like they're both idiots. And so then well,
(12:11):
in scenarios like this where I'm like, oh, great, people's
lives are in danger. Um, so then I'm conforting maybe,
And while this is happening, Brin is like walking around
and I was just like trying to comfort maybe, and
my mom was like giving me a play by play
of how she felt, and I was just like, can
you watch him? Like he's just like wandering like and
(12:33):
it was fine, he didn't fall, but I was just like,
I really thought this story was going towards a third fault. No,
there wasn't a third fault, but I was just like,
that's the scenarios that I find very frustrating in terms
of just like you stupid kids, like just stop moving
for one second. It feels like in a video game,
(12:55):
we walk into like a field of land mines and
I'm like, okay, hey, you guys, there's this thing, and
then they're just like blonder, like they're just it's like
giving a kid a computer with a game of mind
Sweeper open and just saying, hey, guess where the minds are.
But I'm not going to explain the word. They just
start clicking everywhere. It's like buying ice cream when my
(13:16):
husband is home and expecting him not to devour it.
When I'm not like, well that's you, that's on you. No,
you've told me as the victim. It's my pahl. Yeah,
I said, don't bring ice cream into this house because
we're all going to feel bad for different reasons. I
(13:37):
don't I don't have any control. You're right, No, one
shouldn't be held accountable for their own actions. I have
an ice cream addiction and you don't respect that. You
know what it's it's certainly back to not having enough
space for anything. It's circling back. Yeah. You know, my
(14:01):
parents sent me that big tub of all my stuff,
like from high school and stuff, and they're like, time
for you to take this. We can't store it anymore.
You mean like ten years ago? No, this was Yeah,
it was like that we had less space and you know,
they have a humongous house with a giant basement with
(14:22):
a lot of space. I was like, I'm not going
to complain but I think they can hold onto it
until I have space. But I still don't have space.
We'll never have enough space for them parents. No, I
just mean boomers belongings. Belongings. You mean our belongings that
(14:45):
we're expecting our our boomers to hold on to us forever. No,
I'm not expecting anything to be held onto um. And
I don't have neither one of us do I don't
have a lot of stuff from No, we have a
lot of stuff, but it's not like from our childhood.
(15:07):
I'm nostalgic for nostalgia. Nostalgia, i'd I'm nostalgic for things
that could be nostalgic that I don't have anymore. What
I don't know. Actually, don't ask me to defend what
I just said. I have no idea. Forget it. I'm sorry.
(15:28):
What's um um? Oh boy, oh boy, it's okay. You
know what it's We finally have a decade with an identity.
You know what I mean? Wait, I forgot to actually
tell you, like the best story of the week. Okay, Well,
let's not look ahead to the year quite yet. Then
(15:48):
go ahead. I'm sure you had something very important to say.
I'm not um, but I'm trying to find I was
tweeting this that this week, but um, trying to find
the streets. The So Bryn had a played it yesterday
and his friend, one of his close friends, was over
(16:10):
and they're like, you know, just saying weird stuff to
each other. I think, here's what I think happened. Brynn
got a new book with extinct animals, and in one
part there's like this weird marsupial tiger thing, um, and
he I think maybe they were looking at that with
(16:31):
like the baby's coming out of it, and one with
the weird backward facing butt pouch. Yeah, that's the craziest
thing I've ever seen, by the way. So Bryn's friend
comes into the bedroom where I am and he walks
in and he goes, when you were pregnant with Bryn,
did he come out your butt? And I was like,
(16:54):
uh no. And then and then Bryn came in there like,
well did you come out your but belly? And I
was like he came out of my vagina? And like
it's just like I have to be honest about this, um.
And then they said like so many insane things over
the course of the play date. So I overheard Brent's
(17:15):
friend talking to him and he goes, do you guys
celebrate New Year's And Brent said, yeah, we do. Oh, wait,
no we don't. And then and then at one point,
Brinna was playing with him with his new X Men
toys and he said he kept he keeps insisting that
all the X Men are bad guys. So yeah, brand does.
(17:40):
And his logic for this I think is interesting because
it kind of like explains a lot of things culturally.
Brin is like, all the X Men are bad guys
because everyone's mad at them. And he's right that in
the context of the show, everyone is prejudiced against X Men.
So I understand failure of the definition of bad guy
(18:02):
or or he's his empathy is off both. I think
he's just picking up on the fact that he's like,
in this world, no one likes X Well. I think
it also like bad guy doesn't necessarily mean what it means.
But the other thing he said is that he said
Professor X doesn't have any powers. Okay, that's that's that
(18:27):
is very wrong, right, And then it made me wonder
if you watched like an episode where he's like losing
his powers or something. I don't know. Um, it is
a far more abstract concept to be like telepathic doesn't
have any powers for a five year old Ian Wolverine
is clear the band's got claws. So then we have
this new bathroom obviously, and Brian was showing his friend
(18:48):
to the bathroom and he showed him the new lock
on the door and he goes, there's a lock here
in case you need privacy. And his friend pulled down
his pants and his underwear and said, yeah, I do
need privacy, and then he closed the door. Does it
(19:10):
look like I need privacy? Never gets old to me
that are all of these kids are like I need
some privacy and then can you come wipe my butt? Um?
Maybe it is obsessed where she has to go to
the bathroom and she goes, Daddy, I have to go
potty and I don't need help, and I need privacy
and I need you to when I'm done, but I
(19:33):
want to flush the toilet. Yeah. She does a long
monologue every time she has to and I just go.
Sometimes she says I do need help and I don't
need privacy, and she just like mixing. She's like, what
do I feel like? Yeah? But either way she feels
like she has to give us a long update on
the status of going potty. I have one more important
thing to say before we have in this segment, which
(19:54):
is last last week. I did have one last thing,
which is his friend later said Donald Trump is a
mean president. We don't know if he's going to be
fired or not. I thought that was really smart. I've
been avoiding the topic with brand altogether. I know our
kids don't really understand it. Our kids don't know who
(20:14):
the president. I feel with Brandon would be cannan worms
because he will start saying much more. That's exactly why.
Because he's going to start saying things as if he
is the authority on it. I'm like, that's the problem
with our country. And then he gets create he has
creative license with it like you, and all of a
sudden he's saying things like a man can't marry a man.
(20:38):
You really made it sound like that's something I say, no,
but it's something our son has said. Now it's time
for did you know this Holy crap? We got big news.
(21:00):
It's a new segment. Crap. This segment is called holy crap. Okay,
we we feel bad because we're very honest on this podcast.
I feel like we've been hiding something. There's really been
a very big topic that we have not been talking about,
mostly because we didn't want to tell our friends just
(21:22):
because we didn't know what was happening. We wanted to
know it's really happening before we had everyone's input an opinion.
This also just realized we said a bunch of stuff
in the first segment that we're active basically lies. What
we were just talking about space and how someday we'll
(21:44):
be able to deal with it. That wasn't lies. It
wasn't a lie. It was misleading. Okay, Well, the news
is that we're buying a house. We're moving. We're moving,
We're moving back to Brooklyn. Holy holy wrap the jolly
holy cow. It's yeah, it's crazy, but we're s could be. Yeah,
(22:10):
we've been stressed about it. We've been processing that it's
really happening. I still don't fully in my mind, believe
that it's happening, but theoretically it is happening. We've gotten
the contract looks good. Everyone loves to hear about the
legal detail. It's it's really been a big hole in
(22:35):
the podcast, and that really all I'm thinking about is this,
and then I have to think. I can feel like, well,
I can't talk about that, so I gotta think about
something else. Yeah, it's been consuming us. Um, but we
so we're moving into a property that requires a lot
of renovations, so we won't be moving until the fall.
So now we found a new thing to be stressed about.
(22:58):
So tonight to make this about parenting. I told our
kids about the move, yeah, and really specifically, well, yeah,
we've told them about it a little bit. Um. I
showed them their new home. I talked to I also
talked about schools, and I saw Brin realize that he
was gonna not be living near his friends anymore, and
(23:23):
he got very sad for one second. Well then instantly
he says, like we've talked about this, is like we're
going to get a home and then we're probably gonna
have to switch schools. And Britain always says not until
I'm done with kindergarten. I mean, not until I'm done
with first grade, then we can move. He changed it now,
not until Maven's done with the first grade. Oh yeah,
(23:46):
he keeps like upping the auntie. He was like, m
just a little bit longer UM so that's gonna be hard,
but I think he's young enough that he will instantly
forget that he lived here and everyone he ever knew.
Um yeah, well, hopefully we'll keep in touch. I feel
like it's classic that, like like when you're just about
(24:08):
to leave somewhere, it starts to get really good and
like our bathroom is done, and then like we had
this like crazy like sixty degree weekend, so we're outside
and I was like actually able to have real conversations
with like two different neighbors who have two different moms
who have kids Brind's age, like separately, and I was like, oh,
(24:29):
like I'm having a good time talking to them, because
like usually when i'm running too them, I'm like running
to work or something, or I've had toddlers and I'm
just chasing them and I can't have a real conversation.
It's like you're like finally get to this point where
you're like I can like talk to these people. And
up we moved to the suburbs away from We lived
(24:50):
in Brooklyn for a long time and then we had
a baby and we got we got out of Dodge
and moved to the suburbs and had a baby and
knew nobody, and you don't meet people until your kids
in like kindergarten, and then you start meeting other parents
and having play dates. And like, we're right at that
point where we're realizing there are friends to be had,
(25:10):
and we're doing the reverse commute, the reverse exodus of
what everyone else does is that they have babies in
New York and then they moved to the suburbs when
their kids start to go to school. So we everyone
we know and want to be around, we'll probably immediately
leave Brooklyn as soon as we get there. Oh my god,
our friends aren't allowed to have Um that's the rule, friends,
(25:36):
that's the rule. Friends. Um So yeah, that's exciting and
um stressful. Oh um. So schools is the big thing.
Let's gonna say, it's the big thing that that I'm
now not stressed about, but it's a big thing I have.
(25:59):
We have to figure out. You gotta check out the
public school, you gotta check out charter schools, gotta check
out private schools. We gotta check out all these options
and then be like, what's good, what's closed, what's possible?
It's overwhelming. When do we have to apply? This was
the thing it's our home renovated in time for the
school year to start. I didn't are We did not
(26:19):
think we would ever live in New York City ever again.
Um And before I know, you didn't, I mean I
didn't really believe we would be able to do it. Yeah,
neither did I. This was your idea. And when you
told me, I said, get out of here. Then I
(26:41):
screamed at the top of my lungs. And really, every
single time we have a big life change, like a move,
I say, hey, I think we should do this thing,
and presenting you with my research and thoughts and you
say that's crazy, You're insane, that would never happen. It's
a bad idea, you stupid idiot. I will say. We
(27:05):
had some real big fights, but there was we did
have a really good conversation that I felt great about. Um. Um,
where like, you know, you are very thoughtful and you
(27:25):
think through things, and this is something you thought through.
And I'm also like sort of obsessed with home, like
the place I live in is very important to me. Yes, actually,
after this I saw the bathroom got done. I'm so
excited to not be a part of this renovation. I'm
(27:48):
excited to see what you do. I like the work
share we've sort of gotten into, which is like we
we can be cced on emails with people where like
I tell them what's what in the vision and like
what needs to be done, and then when they start
asking like how we're going to pay for things, I'm like,
my husband will talk to you about that those details,
Dr mister wallet over not that like like numbers, yuck,
(28:14):
talk to this guy. I just I just find that
part so boring. When people are like and now we
need these contracts signed and notarized, and I'm like, m no, Um,
I'm gonna go find some snacks. Yeah, I'm like, I
think the walls should be blue, and I'm like, where
does that go on the spreadsheet? I'm in the colors column. Yeah. So, um,
(28:41):
dramatically unrelated topic. But last week we we talked a
lot about the band five for Fighting, and I said,
We've got a lot of comments and emails and text
from friends about that, and I just want to I
(29:02):
want to acknowledge that, Um, I did not sing the
correct song when that Superman song, I was like, oh no,
when you started singing it, it was like not what
I was thinking. But then as soon as someone starts
singing a song, you can't picture any other song in
your mind. And that's just that's small, that upper that small,
(29:23):
that up har um five for fighting. The tone of
five for fighting. The band could not match the concept
of five minutes penalty for fighting? Less? Was that a
convoluted way to say that something? Again? So like the
(29:44):
concept of five for fighting, like five minutes five been
a penalty for fighting in a hockey game. That concept
You think the soundtrack of that concept is is moll
that up bard? That's small? Apply you think it'd be
more like a d top kick Murphy type of what
are you telling about? You're saying theoretically the soundtrack for
(30:08):
sitting in a penalty box. The band five for fighting
the name of the band, right, But that's one of
their songs, right, But all of their songs, it's this
one guy, it's not even a band. All of his
songs are like these real sweet piano singer songwriter things
that that couldn't be further from the aesthetic of hockey.
(30:32):
Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Everything's an illusion? Peter
Our children like to listen to a band called Queen
because they sang a song called we Will rock You.
That is ostensibly a hockey anthem of sports events, and
yet it is sung by a queer icon. Uh you
(30:55):
know what, Beth, that is an excellent point. I think
five for fighting is the opposite of queens. We Will
rock You. Our kids were, oh, wait, this is something
funny that have that it completely forgot, which is when
Brent's friend was here. He was like, hey, Sirie play,
(31:15):
Oh funk, what is the song. It was like, it's
not that. It was not we Will Rock You. Why
did that start playing? Did you put that on? No? You? Okay,
so you said, hey Sirie, right right, But I didn't
say play we will rock you. We were talking about
it earlier. Okay do you guys? Yeah, stop we can't.
(31:42):
We don't have the rights for this. Stop it. It's
too long. Oh this is a disaster. Wait so okay,
so wait wait that made no sense. So I was
trying to remember the song. So he kept your custing
this song by Imagine Dragon and he was like it
was just so funny to see like a five year old.
(32:04):
He kept going, hey Sirie, play Believer by Imagine Dragons
and it was so funny. And then he would just
dance hey, Sirie stop. So oh my god. Oh yeah,
so it's that song and it's like those things. So
(32:25):
they he was dancing to that so enthusiastically, and then
Bryn would try to think of a song, but he
only knows like one song off the top of his heade,
which is we Will Rock You. So then they were
just alternating back and forth between those two songs. So
then when his friend's dad came to pick him up,
they all insisted on like dancing to a full song
in front of him, and they were like, they were like,
(32:46):
we have to request this again. And then they're all
like dancing and jumping on the couch and they looked
so ridiculous. Um, they had really all of them had
really funny dance moves. Um. Yeah, last time we went
over to his house, there was another boy there, maybe
it was there. She didn't want to participate, but they
got a full band. They had a microphone, guitar and
(33:07):
conga and it was real cute. Yeah, it was. Yeah,
they were very funny. Brin one of my favorite videos.
If you'd like to visit my Instagram and scroll all
the way back to when Brin could barely talk but
still talk to nonsense words all the time. There's a
video of him at requesting a song because stop stop clop,
(33:30):
and I'm like, what do you stop? Stop cop stop
stop cop sumptom quap. I'm like, what do you want?
It was stump stump clop, and I figured out that
all you saying stump stump clap, and he wanted me
to play we will rock you. Stump stump clop, stump
stump clap and figuring that out. It still feels like
(33:53):
one of the great dad accomplishments of my life was
so satisfying. Stump stomp kwop by sometimes clap, that's how
should be called stump stump quap. I think you're going
to tell them to scroll back and look for the
video of Maven playing ukulele when she's like one years old.
How old she's like too. She's doing her little foot
(34:15):
tap pretending to play. Oh yeah, I'm standing plinking it's
hard and she's standing next to me trying to tap
her foot like me. Boy, she's so cute. I rediscovered
this video on my sister's Instagram this week of the
Brenn and Maven when they're like two and three or
like littl er. They're so little, they're like one and two,
and they're like feeding her friend's dog and they're so
(34:39):
adorable and chunky, and they're clapping because the dog's eating food.
And then Brin is so excited that he goes to
hug Maven and like tackles her to the ground and
they're just they're so adorable and round there there. I
can't I never had siblings that close to in age,
(35:00):
and it's only two of them, so I feel like
they are going to be close in a way that
I can't relate to well that I feel it feels
very similar to me and my brother. To me, because
me and my brother were almost exactly two years apart
in Britain, man or twenty months, and it's just like
there's something about that closeness where it's like the two
(35:20):
of them just can't imagine a life without each other,
you know. And then you're just like that person you're
sibling dynamic with, that person is just such an enormous
part of who you are, you know what I mean,
likely boy, and it's it's gonna be different. Like my
older brother is like three and a half four years
(35:41):
older than me, and my little bit of six years.
And so there's all these phases of my childhood where
I'm close with this one and that one, but it's
not the same. I feel like it's being so close. Yeah,
oh boy, we gotta we gotta move. Of we had
(36:01):
to move, I like, yeah, we're not going to move
for at least six or seven months, but I'm already
stressed about moving. Well, that's all the stuff that we
need to throw away because this apartment is too cluttered.
Then it's also like, wow, we're gonna have more space. Yeah,
but it's like we're never gonna wish we had that stuff.
There's just too much stuff. It's true. I feel like
(36:23):
we're gonna get a way bigger place and then before
you know it, it's just full of stuff. Well, the
basement of this house currently is a horder level of
just absolute garbage. It could be worse. It's just not
organized in any way. It's just someone was like and
none of the lights work and anyway, it's fine anyway,
(36:44):
Wish us luck, wish us luck. Um, you can send
housewarming gifts to know we know spot at gmail dot com.
Please never do um yeah, um, so yeah, so we will.
We can stop lying to you. Now, stop the lies.
(37:04):
It's happening. I guess now we have to tell everyone.
I didn't know this was happening, but now the secrets
out and the whole world knows. Yeah, I mean yeah,
I told sure if this deal doesn't fall through, it's
true if we don't sign this, I was just waiting
until we sign the contract. But we're a couple of
days away from that. Anyway, fun stuff we talk more about.
(37:27):
The contract has been we knows. Holy crap, that's there's
an announcement. This next segment is called Listeners Want to Knows.
(37:48):
This is where we take questions and comments from you guys.
All right, um, we have an email from a listener. Um,
Dear Beth and Peter, apologizing advanced for the super long email,
but I was wondering if you had any advice or
know of any resources for coping after a miscarriage. I'm
thirty two and this would have would have been my
(38:10):
first pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant right after Thanksgiving,
but didn't tell my husband until I was five weeks
because I wanted to surprise him with the gift that
hadn't arrived yet. Uh darn, Etsy and mail delivery. When
I told him, he was so excited, as was I.
Our lives had changed forever with the news. I had
had spotting since implantation and more one sided pain, but
(38:33):
the doctor did a scan and saw everything looked good.
In week four. Halfway through week six, though, I woke
up to what looked like a period and got scared.
Called the dock and they were able to see me
that afternoon. We're able to see a heartbeat, but it
was too slow, and at that time the doctor couldn't
tell if it had just started beating or if it
was the beginning of a miscarriage. They told me to
(38:55):
go home and keep an eye on my symptoms and
if things got worse to let them know. They gave
me the outs of it would be a viable pregnancy
chance of miscarriage. Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage at home,
just five days after the last visit to my doctor.
My husband was there to help me through the pain
and motions of it all. I called my sister, who
(39:15):
is currently pregnant with her first child but it also
had a miscarriage before that, to have a little more
support from someone who's been through it. I told very
few people about what happened, but didn't feel much better
after shockingly being told things happened for a reason and
what will be will be didn't make me feel like
I had any relief. My husband has been struggling with
(39:36):
it also. He said he didn't have enough time to
process everything about the pregnancy before was over. He said
it was like someone handed him a picture of the
light at the end of the tunnel where he knew
the endpoint was a baby, but it was still the beginning,
but then someone took the picture away, uh, soon after
he got it. The time of year also didn't help
with the stress and emotions because all during Christmas I
(39:59):
kept seeing everyone's beautiful bumps all of her Facebook, and
it brought back all my emotions. Anyway, I don't know
if you guys had any advice or words of wisdom.
Thanks guys, love what you do. Bethany Wow. Um. First
of all, we're so sorry to hear that happen to you. Um.
(40:20):
I I don't know if I have like any like
amazing advice for her, aside from just like trying. I
think anyone who's going through anything like this should make
as much space for themselves as they need to process
and grieve it, and it sounds like she's doing that.
And I think, you know, if there's particular triggers like
(40:40):
social media, that she can let herself off the hook
for that or you know, events like she you know,
she doesn't. Yeah, I feel like social media wa be
particularly unhelpful. Yeah, and it's not. You can't always really
predict where the triggers are going to come from in
your life. But um, yeah, I think she should, you know,
(41:02):
let herself feel her feelings and be upset. And I
think it's good like that she sent this email, whether
she wants to be more public about it or not,
I think talking about it with whoever you're comfortable talking
about it with is really good to help you move
through and process what happened and acknowledge, because they think
if you're not acknowledging the weight of something like this
(41:23):
then how it's affected you, then that keeps you more
stuck there and the emotion. Yeah, and it's and I'm
I am sure as as she described this email, that
that people around you also, you know, don't don't necessarily
know how to support you because it's not simple, it's
(41:47):
not a thing, it's not a thing to be fixed.
And so I'm sure you're getting a lot of as
you mentioned those like everything happens for a reason. Yeah,
And people say some stuff all the time to everyone
about things that they don't realize are super triggering. And
I think that's why sometimes I think it's not that
(42:08):
you know, it should always like, not that you shouldn't
expect people around you to make space for you, because
you should, But that's why sometimes I think it is
good to just like take a break from people in
situations that might be draining for you and just like
take care of yourself when you're in a vulnerable position.
And it's a it's it's I would imagine, and I
(42:31):
have not, We've been fortunate enough to not go through this, ah.
But how confusing it is because this is this is
a you know, ah, you're grieving the loss of a
person that you never met, and so this this person
(42:53):
exists in your in your head and we you know,
when when people are pregnant, when we are pregnant, you
of course can't help but invest in this this this
baby that you have and that you're going to have
with them. Yeah, and and even you don't know them yet,
(43:14):
but suddenly you lose them. You lose that that person
that you've developed, that you've invested, you've built a relationship
um with somebody that you've imagined for the most part,
and it's you still go through a grieving period, but
you can't. Yeah, I think I think people in our
(43:37):
culture are not taught to be patient with theirselves when
they're vulnerable or being like when they're sometimes we all
are turned into a mess, like we're just not like
we everyone should get a pass at some point to
be no longer relied upon, or to have bad days
(44:00):
or to you know, like just things get bad and
you're allowed to just acknowledge that and like let it
envelope you temporarily. And I think it's especially true for women,
but it's also true for men in the sense of
like this toxic masculinity thing where it's like the fact
that it's hit her hitting her husband hard. I think
(44:20):
like people would not necessarily expect that or consider that.
It's like there's it's a weird double edged sword because
like people expect men to be so tough, but then
they're also so much more sympathetic to men in certain situations.
I remember reading the Facebook post of this man I
know who's grieving his teenage daughter, and how while while
(44:44):
they were grieving so many he said, seemingly so many
more people would come and empathize with him, and like
sort of like, I think, because we see women in
these sort of caretaker roles that sometimes we sort of
just assume they'll like suck it up and hold it together.
But then in other ways we also expect men to
hold it together and not express emotions that are not anger.
(45:06):
You know. It's just like very complicated. Yeah, and I
know that I've been guilty of this, and it's yeah,
my impulse has always been too fix a problem, you know.
And so I think when when I've had people around
(45:28):
me who just have grief or are just have gone
through something sad, especially when I was younger, you know,
I'd go into that mode of like, well, here's what
you gotta do, you know. It's just like and it
is that mode of here's here's how you get through this,
as in now I'm older and wiser, and and no
(45:52):
at least that like, oh no, it's worth it's not
my problem to solve, and this is not a solvable problem.
This is just something it needs to be experienced. Yeah,
we're not really comfortable in our culture with like sitting
with painful emotion. It's not like it's not acceptable like
everyone's supposed to like rush off and do something or
(46:15):
drink something or you know. Like yeah, but also and
also not everyone grieves the same way and what people
who are grieving, I don't always know what they need,
and it's it changes moment to moment. And so yeah, well,
one thing that I think is really interesting, I can't
remeber if I talked about this, but um, the same
(46:35):
man I was talking about who lost his daughter, had
sort of a blog on her. She she had cancer
and she died from cancer. And then he was posting
on there's sort of like a caring something website where
you can give updates on people and some I think
some people continue to update after their death. And it
was actually really nice to hear him thoughtfully reflecting on
(46:56):
his experience because it's such a dark period that people
don't really talk about out and he was talking about
how they and his wife were working with a therapist
and how that's really good because people are so just
like spent during that period and can really use like
any help they can get, and he was talking about
how they're when you're grieving, you lose some of your
(47:19):
like executive function ability, like your your day to day processing.
You can't You're just like not you're kind of just
like sunked out in a weird way because obviously you're
just in a state of shock, but then also you're
like dealing with the most stressful thing ever and a
lot of times people are trying to execute a will
(47:40):
and plan a funeral, and like it's just like there's
so much on top of you while you're in the
state where you can barely function. And then he was
also talking about how there is there's this really interesting thing.
I had to find the blog and I get share it,
but I can't remember the link. It was like a
very random, like psychologist blog, but there was this thing
talking about how when we when something bad happens, we
(48:02):
resort to one of several coping mechanisms. And so when
you're in a state of prolonged grief, where your your
brain continues to try to solve the problem, you start
to cycle through coping mechanisms, and so you might like
fixate on one and just like keep attempting it over
and over again. But it's like, you know, all of
(48:24):
all of your normal coping mechanisms of like you know,
I don't whatever like go eat food, drink like you
know whatever, thing like I'm trying. There's like I think
like hyper productivity is one for some people, like you
know how some people they're like they gain a sense
of control from like workaholism or whatever they need to
(48:45):
have something to do to And I do feel like
sometimes you almost see that with people who are like
the second someone dies, it feels like they're like starting
like a charity or like they're like put pouring themselves
into trying to make a meaning of the death. And
like not that there's anything wrong with that inherently, but
(49:07):
so I feel like I understand that that, like the
feeling like you have something needs to be done. Yea.
And yeah, it was just really interesting how like it was.
I think he was talking about how it all played
into like why when people lose a child, their relationships
tend to fall apart like very often. And I think
(49:30):
when you have two people whose brains are trying to
process all of this and who are sort of flailing
and like trying to make sense of their lives and
like just making erratic decisions and being like sort of
out of it, like it's just so overwhelming, and yeah,
that you have to find a new It makes you
confront what has meaning because when you suddenly lose something,
(49:58):
ah that it was very meaningful for you, I feel
like that meaning needs to get redirected to something else
for some people. Yeah. Um. And so it is also
that like, oh, I'm going to do something about this
because it needs to have been for a reason. Um. Yeah,
I mean, or you become like nihilist, Like I don't know,
(50:21):
there's like a lot of ways, sort of like a
very specific thing. Um, but yeah, it's like that's why
you know, people should be gentle with themselves and hopefully
they have people they can turn to and talk to,
and um, you know, I think in situations like this,
it's like, you know, it's kind of like you know,
(50:44):
you almost want to liken it to like having a newborn,
like when your brain and you're like when your body
is like physically and mentally preoccupied with something, like it's
just it's going to consume and impair you for a while.
And if you're like if you're functioning at like a
d plus like that's good for where you're at right now,
(51:06):
you know, like it's just like you don't need to
be like you can phone your life in a little
bit temporarily, and and and people trying to support that person. Yeah,
more and more I've realized that like being there for somebody,
um really should mean just that is just being around
(51:32):
as opposed to I'm here for you? What can I do?
What are we gonna And it's hard not to try
to solve it, like when especially when you see someone
in like deep pain, like it's really that's all of
our knee jerk reaction. It's like what can I get you?
What can I do? Like you know, um, I'm working
on listening. Obviously, I'm relating this to myself. I'm too
afraid to ask people questions and um yeah, but the
(51:58):
sometimes suppecially can do feel like that's really bad. Yeah. Yeah.
I have a friend recently that I went through a
negative thing and I'm so so practical and I'm like, okay, great,
here's the you know, here's here's what we can do
and all that, and and then later this person told
(52:21):
me he's it was like, you know, I sort of
wish you just told me like, yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry,
And I was like I sort of skipped that and
and went right to the it's going to be okay.
I'm like, yeah, you know what, it sucks. They said
that to you. I wish you'd told me that sucks. Yeah,
(52:44):
very politely, but it was very honest. I appreciated it.
I was like, yeah, I skipped that and I went
straight onto the looking ahead. Yeah. Well, sometimes you have
to feel people out and it's hard, like you have
to take a beat to be like, is this person
in a place where they want to here it's going
to be okay? Or do they want to hear that sucks?
Sometimes like sometimes they're trying to move through and they
(53:07):
do need someone to be like it's gonna be okay.
Yeah that's me. Oh my phone just said it's fifteen
minutes to bedtime. That's me and I need to work
on the just saying that that sucks. Yeah, well we
all do. Um, well, thank you very much Bethany for
writing in. Um yeah, thank you for sharing that with us.
(53:29):
Um we're we're we're thinking about you, and uh we
sent you all of our love and support and UM,
I don't I hope you hope you have the space
and the people you need. UM to give you what
you need when you need it, even if you don't
know what it is, Well, that's gonna do it. This
(53:52):
week this is another episode of We Know His Parenting.
If you would like to send us an email, UM,
share some advice, send us would you knows parenting hypothetical situation?
You can email us a we knows pot at gmail
dot com, or you can leave his voicemail at three
four seven three eight four seven three nine six. Find
us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at we knows pod and
(54:16):
rate review, subscribe, give us those stars we love stars.
Were greedy for stars? Maybe greedy for stars whoas see
you next time. Bye,
Oh we know it's parenting. Is here again? Here we are.
I'm Peter McNerney, I'm Beth Newell. Like I said, we're
here again. We're here again. What do you think it
was gonna be somebody else? What did you think you
were getting into? What do you think You hear that
awesome Mates of State theme song kick in and it'd
(00:32):
suddenly be two different people without kids? Think again, Mr.
I always I forget that that's our music, and I'm
having a completely different podcast experience to our listeners who
are hearing the words that I'm saying. Yeah, that's so
funny because I edit this so I hear that song
(00:53):
every single week, literally never. If you've wondered where does
that awesome theme song come from, it's made of State
Mates of State, which I said this on the podcast before,
But we're we're Mates of States fans back from our
college days. We always have been. And when I was
(01:13):
in college or just out of college, the female half
of Mats of State, I think, what's her name, I
don't know, Carrie Wrong, I don't know. Um. She had
a blog about like touring around with their kids, and
I was like, actually found it really inspirational to be
like a creative person can have a career and somehow
(01:35):
make it work with children. They're married, they have kids,
and they still do their thing. Yeah, they still do
their thing and they let us use their themes. So
they let us se themes. The story is incredible because
we were sending you know, the folks over at the network.
We're like, hey, what do you want your theme song
to be? Well, write it for you and Ago, Well,
here's a bunch of music styles that we like, and
(01:57):
we sound up a bunch of mates State and good
old Chuck Bryant as tonal examples. Yeah, we said, here's
the sound we're looking for. Everyone's favorite podcast host, Chuck
Bryant from Selfishnell movie Crush just said, Oh, I'll just
ask them. Of course he knows them. Of course we
didn't know, and they they let us use it. Yeah,
(02:20):
that's the story of the theme song. Life is like
a box of chocolates. You know what sometimes did you
ask you'll get the chocolate? Well, it's called manifesting folks. Folks. Folks. Um,
we started, we started using folks, and now we have
to use it for the rest of this podcast. Alright, folks, alright, folks,
(02:45):
what happened in this weekend? Are week in parenting? What
happened in this week? So we're finally back in our home.
We talked about that last week. No, yes, oh my gosh,
yeah we recorded here last week. Okay, but now we're
like settled, and the bathroom is so nice. The bathroom
is great. The lovely woman who UM comes twice a
(03:07):
month to clean UM was very impressed with the bathroom. Yeah,
she liked it. When she Yeah, she was like, oh,
And I was like, she's so happy to clean a
bathroom that doesn't have a rotting window sill. She's so
happy to have a bathroom that's clean. Uble She's like, oh,
(03:27):
you want me to clean this duct taped tile? Great? Um,
thank you. Yes. So we didn't mention this so long ago.
This we knew that this bathroom. But there was a
little soap dish in the tile wall of the shower
and one day you put your foot on it to
shave your legs, which is a reasonable thing to do,
(03:49):
and the whole thing just ripped out of the wall.
And so the solution was white du duct tape to
cover the hole for three years and literally really all
of the naked baby photos of our children over the
past five years have been with a mildowy tile behind
(04:10):
them and the duct tape tile. The duct tape was
surprised lasted a surprisingly long time without getting gross. I
replaced it, probably replaced it twice, yeah again instead of
getting it fixed. If I have one piece of advice
for people for being poor, it's find the money for
(04:33):
a duck team. Um. Yeah. Now the wooden window sill
inside the shower that just was in the corner of
the of this piece of wood, it was mostly as
soft as a blanket. This would because it was completely
rotted away and causing a leaf. Because a blanket what
(04:54):
a weird anoug is a blanket not soft. I feel
like we've covered the state of our bathroom before, so
we can move. Do you want to hear how I
got to the logic about blanket because I was like,
that's too soft, and then I was like a memory foam,
and I was like stop too weirdly, Okay, So then
(05:16):
I said blanket. We so that happened. Um. Our Christmas
presents are mostly packed away, although of course the box
we shipped back some of our presents from Chicago and
of like five boxes. The one that got lost was
the one that included very expensive gift cards. Um can
(05:40):
who knows what else we lost in there. We'll just
never remember, at least the book some pantowels fancy soap.
But so my dad went to the post office where
from which I mailed the boxes, because he has my
same name, and I knew exactly what time I sent them,
and I had of it from my credit card and
(06:01):
the other boxes, and I was like, well, they can
find the tracking number because they know exactly when we
send it. Nope, they don't do that. No, of course
they don't. It's the United States Postal Service. That's why
they give you the long receipt and they circle the
thing and they say, this is your tracking number. This
is now in your hands. But the thing that's crazy
is the that data exists very easily in their system.
(06:24):
Oh you mean the United States Postal Service has not
hired Harvard's top data collectors to connect their systems. And
you want bigger government? Is this what you want? Yeah?
I do want bigger, want more post That made me
sound a lot more Republican than let's not get on
(06:45):
this bath. So our kids had second Christmas. Your parents
came down this weekend. My parents came down and um,
they had some breaks is used in the last are
They had a drop in the shop. Luckily it was
not a huge deal. They got taken care of. Um.
(07:09):
But we have a lot more presence. This is what's
kind of stressing me out right now, is like as
a virgo who's always scanning my surroundings for flaws, the
we have too much stuff again, and we need to
get rid of stuff. And I know it's just like
to swear through all the toys is just such an
(07:29):
annoying chore. I secretly throw things away. I just do it.
I don't tell anyone. I do that too, But like
it needs an overhaul. It's we're a way, We're yeah,
it's overdue. It's just there's just so much stuff. It's like,
I think, what's frustrating, like for a lot of people.
(07:49):
And I don't think our family is particularly bad about this.
It's just that there's so many people who give you stuff.
But like I think our generation is like less likely
to own a home, like a physical home, and like
don't have as much space and don't have like like
there are is a little more conscious of the environment,
and our families still give us presents and you don't.
(08:14):
You can't be like, hey, stop giving us things like
it's hard to it's it's all still very very nice.
It's nice, love it, but it's just as a sum total,
it's so much stuff. The next day you're like, I
have no more cabinets. I mean someday, I guess we'll
have like a playroom, but it still feels like more
(08:34):
stuff than children can enjoy. Oh, the entire blanket is
falling off the wall. Wow, did you see that happening? Yeah,
after you started screaming about it, I could see it.
I can see it dropping if you're just kind of
a little echoly or around Beth. Because the incredible sound
(08:56):
installation system I have, which is literally hanging blankets all
around us, we sound like a mess. What we're actually
doing really well, everything we're good. Um, literally have a
new bathroom that we've mentioned nine million times. Okay, so
we my parents came. Oh so then on Sunday, my
(09:16):
parents had to hang out because their car was being
repaired because just classic family thing, their brakes started to fail.
It's such a classic family things. It's not classic my
family thing that on the one day they're coming here,
their brakes would stop working on their cars, so they like, um,
(09:38):
they had to get their car fixed, and so they're
barring our car. And then I took the kids after
you left on Sunday to go to work. I took
the kids to their hotel nearby, which has an indoor
pool in it, which we know about because your parents
stayed there and we went to that and so yeah,
but very warm. It is in that scenario, in like
(10:02):
an indoor hotel pool that clearly like everyone is coming by,
like just USA pool. I feel like I want there
to be way too much chlorine. I mean that is
that's their safety net, just kill everything. Yeah. I'm not
usually like a big germophobe, but in that scenario, let's
or not either. But it is. It's not like the
pool ice woman every day. It's like a one time
(10:25):
visit to like the most used pool in town. I
save that pool for a long long time and it
really dried me out. Yeah that's part of the fun.
But we took them to the pool um, which they love.
But of course when we got there, the floor was wet.
There's kids in the pool and Brin just like walking
(10:46):
a little too fast, his heel just like skidded. He
fell backwards, slammed his head into the ground and was crying,
and it was like, I mean his butt hit first,
so I was like, I don't think he has like
a cushion, but it's like not something you ever want
to see happen to your kid's head. And then he
calmed down and he seemed fine, and we played in
(11:07):
the pool for a while, and then we're getting out
of the pool and then Maven just standing there like
barely even walking. She does the same thing and slams
like the side of her head into the ground, what
like just really hard like slams, and it's just like,
(11:28):
oh my god. And then she's like crying and like,
you know, and I've talked about this in the past,
how when we're with our families, they're not like as
tuned into kids needs as we are. So while I'm
trying to comfort throw me into that, well, I just
think people who don't spend every single day of their
(11:48):
life with our children are not as aware of their
quirks and videosyncrasies. So that's happening. And I'm looking over
at Bryan, who like, because when this happened with Brint earlier,
Maybe is just like stumbling around, and I was like,
can you please just sit down like for once, you know,
Like I'm just like they're both idiots. And so then well,
(12:11):
in scenarios like this where I'm like, oh, great, people's
lives are in danger. Um, so then I'm conforting maybe,
And while this is happening, Brin is like walking around
and I was just like trying to comfort maybe, and
my mom was like giving me a play by play
of how she felt, and I was just like, can
you watch him? Like he's just like wandering like and
(12:33):
it was fine, he didn't fall, but I was just like,
I really thought this story was going towards a third fault. No,
there wasn't a third fault, but I was just like,
that's the scenarios that I find very frustrating in terms
of just like you stupid kids, like just stop moving
for one second. It feels like in a video game,
(12:55):
we walk into like a field of land mines and
I'm like, okay, hey, you guys, there's this thing, and
then they're just like blonder, like they're just it's like
giving a kid a computer with a game of mind
Sweeper open and just saying, hey, guess where the minds are.
But I'm not going to explain the word. They just
start clicking everywhere. It's like buying ice cream when my
(13:16):
husband is home and expecting him not to devour it.
When I'm not like, well that's you, that's on you. No,
you've told me as the victim. It's my pahl. Yeah,
I said, don't bring ice cream into this house because
we're all going to feel bad for different reasons. I
(13:37):
don't I don't have any control. You're right, No, one
shouldn't be held accountable for their own actions. I have
an ice cream addiction and you don't respect that. You
know what it's it's certainly back to not having enough
space for anything. It's circling back. Yeah. You know, my
(14:01):
parents sent me that big tub of all my stuff,
like from high school and stuff, and they're like, time
for you to take this. We can't store it anymore.
You mean like ten years ago? No, this was Yeah,
it was like that we had less space and you know,
they have a humongous house with a giant basement with
(14:22):
a lot of space. I was like, I'm not going
to complain but I think they can hold onto it
until I have space. But I still don't have space.
We'll never have enough space for them parents. No, I
just mean boomers belongings. Belongings. You mean our belongings that
(14:45):
we're expecting our our boomers to hold on to us forever. No,
I'm not expecting anything to be held onto um. And
I don't have neither one of us do I don't
have a lot of stuff from No, we have a
lot of stuff, but it's not like from our childhood.
(15:07):
I'm nostalgic for nostalgia. Nostalgia, i'd I'm nostalgic for things
that could be nostalgic that I don't have anymore. What
I don't know. Actually, don't ask me to defend what
I just said. I have no idea. Forget it. I'm sorry.
(15:28):
What's um um? Oh boy, oh boy, it's okay. You
know what it's We finally have a decade with an identity.
You know what I mean? Wait, I forgot to actually
tell you, like the best story of the week. Okay, Well,
let's not look ahead to the year quite yet. Then
(15:48):
go ahead. I'm sure you had something very important to say.
I'm not um, but I'm trying to find I was
tweeting this that this week, but um, trying to find
the streets. The So Bryn had a played it yesterday
and his friend, one of his close friends, was over
(16:10):
and they're like, you know, just saying weird stuff to
each other. I think, here's what I think happened. Brynn
got a new book with extinct animals, and in one
part there's like this weird marsupial tiger thing, um, and
he I think maybe they were looking at that with
(16:31):
like the baby's coming out of it, and one with
the weird backward facing butt pouch. Yeah, that's the craziest
thing I've ever seen, by the way. So Bryn's friend
comes into the bedroom where I am and he walks
in and he goes, when you were pregnant with Bryn,
did he come out your butt? And I was like,
(16:54):
uh no. And then and then Bryn came in there like,
well did you come out your but belly? And I
was like he came out of my vagina? And like
it's just like I have to be honest about this, um.
And then they said like so many insane things over
the course of the play date. So I overheard Brent's
(17:15):
friend talking to him and he goes, do you guys
celebrate New Year's And Brent said, yeah, we do. Oh, wait,
no we don't. And then and then at one point,
Brinna was playing with him with his new X Men
toys and he said he kept he keeps insisting that
all the X Men are bad guys. So yeah, brand does.
(17:40):
And his logic for this I think is interesting because
it kind of like explains a lot of things culturally.
Brin is like, all the X Men are bad guys
because everyone's mad at them. And he's right that in
the context of the show, everyone is prejudiced against X Men.
So I understand failure of the definition of bad guy
(18:02):
or or he's his empathy is off both. I think
he's just picking up on the fact that he's like,
in this world, no one likes X Well. I think
it also like bad guy doesn't necessarily mean what it means.
But the other thing he said is that he said
Professor X doesn't have any powers. Okay, that's that's that
(18:27):
is very wrong, right, And then it made me wonder
if you watched like an episode where he's like losing
his powers or something. I don't know. Um, it is
a far more abstract concept to be like telepathic doesn't
have any powers for a five year old Ian Wolverine
is clear the band's got claws. So then we have
this new bathroom obviously, and Brian was showing his friend
(18:48):
to the bathroom and he showed him the new lock
on the door and he goes, there's a lock here
in case you need privacy. And his friend pulled down
his pants and his underwear and said, yeah, I do
need privacy, and then he closed the door. Does it
(19:10):
look like I need privacy? Never gets old to me
that are all of these kids are like I need
some privacy and then can you come wipe my butt? Um?
Maybe it is obsessed where she has to go to
the bathroom and she goes, Daddy, I have to go
potty and I don't need help, and I need privacy
and I need you to when I'm done, but I
(19:33):
want to flush the toilet. Yeah. She does a long
monologue every time she has to and I just go.
Sometimes she says I do need help and I don't
need privacy, and she just like mixing. She's like, what
do I feel like? Yeah? But either way she feels
like she has to give us a long update on
the status of going potty. I have one more important
thing to say before we have in this segment, which
(19:54):
is last last week. I did have one last thing,
which is his friend later said Donald Trump is a
mean president. We don't know if he's going to be
fired or not. I thought that was really smart. I've
been avoiding the topic with brand altogether. I know our
kids don't really understand it. Our kids don't know who
(20:14):
the president. I feel with Brandon would be cannan worms
because he will start saying much more. That's exactly why.
Because he's going to start saying things as if he
is the authority on it. I'm like, that's the problem
with our country. And then he gets create he has
creative license with it like you, and all of a
sudden he's saying things like a man can't marry a man.
(20:38):
You really made it sound like that's something I say, no,
but it's something our son has said. Now it's time
for did you know this Holy crap? We got big news.
(21:00):
It's a new segment. Crap. This segment is called holy crap. Okay,
we we feel bad because we're very honest on this podcast.
I feel like we've been hiding something. There's really been
a very big topic that we have not been talking about,
mostly because we didn't want to tell our friends just
(21:22):
because we didn't know what was happening. We wanted to
know it's really happening before we had everyone's input an opinion.
This also just realized we said a bunch of stuff
in the first segment that we're active basically lies. What
we were just talking about space and how someday we'll
(21:44):
be able to deal with it. That wasn't lies. It
wasn't a lie. It was misleading. Okay, Well, the news
is that we're buying a house. We're moving. We're moving,
We're moving back to Brooklyn. Holy holy wrap the jolly
holy cow. It's yeah, it's crazy, but we're s could be. Yeah,
(22:10):
we've been stressed about it. We've been processing that it's
really happening. I still don't fully in my mind, believe
that it's happening, but theoretically it is happening. We've gotten
the contract looks good. Everyone loves to hear about the
legal detail. It's it's really been a big hole in
(22:35):
the podcast, and that really all I'm thinking about is this,
and then I have to think. I can feel like, well,
I can't talk about that, so I gotta think about
something else. Yeah, it's been consuming us. Um, but we
so we're moving into a property that requires a lot
of renovations, so we won't be moving until the fall.
So now we found a new thing to be stressed about.
(22:58):
So tonight to make this about parenting. I told our
kids about the move, yeah, and really specifically, well, yeah,
we've told them about it a little bit. Um. I
showed them their new home. I talked to I also
talked about schools, and I saw Brin realize that he
was gonna not be living near his friends anymore, and
(23:23):
he got very sad for one second. Well then instantly
he says, like we've talked about this, is like we're
going to get a home and then we're probably gonna
have to switch schools. And Britain always says not until
I'm done with kindergarten. I mean, not until I'm done
with first grade, then we can move. He changed it now,
not until Maven's done with the first grade. Oh yeah,
(23:46):
he keeps like upping the auntie. He was like, m
just a little bit longer UM so that's gonna be hard,
but I think he's young enough that he will instantly
forget that he lived here and everyone he ever knew.
Um yeah, well, hopefully we'll keep in touch. I feel
like it's classic that, like like when you're just about
(24:08):
to leave somewhere, it starts to get really good and
like our bathroom is done, and then like we had
this like crazy like sixty degree weekend, so we're outside
and I was like actually able to have real conversations
with like two different neighbors who have two different moms
who have kids Brind's age, like separately, and I was like, oh,
(24:29):
like I'm having a good time talking to them, because
like usually when i'm running too them, I'm like running
to work or something, or I've had toddlers and I'm
just chasing them and I can't have a real conversation.
It's like you're like finally get to this point where
you're like I can like talk to these people. And
up we moved to the suburbs away from We lived
(24:50):
in Brooklyn for a long time and then we had
a baby and we got we got out of Dodge
and moved to the suburbs and had a baby and
knew nobody, and you don't meet people until your kids
in like kindergarten, and then you start meeting other parents
and having play dates. And like, we're right at that
point where we're realizing there are friends to be had,
(25:10):
and we're doing the reverse commute, the reverse exodus of
what everyone else does is that they have babies in
New York and then they moved to the suburbs when
their kids start to go to school. So we everyone
we know and want to be around, we'll probably immediately
leave Brooklyn as soon as we get there. Oh my god,
our friends aren't allowed to have Um that's the rule, friends,
(25:36):
that's the rule. Friends. Um So yeah, that's exciting and
um stressful. Oh um. So schools is the big thing.
Let's gonna say, it's the big thing that that I'm
now not stressed about, but it's a big thing I have.
(25:59):
We have to figure out. You gotta check out the
public school, you gotta check out charter schools, gotta check
out private schools. We gotta check out all these options
and then be like, what's good, what's closed, what's possible?
It's overwhelming. When do we have to apply? This was
the thing it's our home renovated in time for the
school year to start. I didn't are We did not
(26:19):
think we would ever live in New York City ever again.
Um And before I know, you didn't, I mean I
didn't really believe we would be able to do it. Yeah,
neither did I. This was your idea. And when you
told me, I said, get out of here. Then I
(26:41):
screamed at the top of my lungs. And really, every
single time we have a big life change, like a move,
I say, hey, I think we should do this thing,
and presenting you with my research and thoughts and you
say that's crazy, You're insane, that would never happen. It's
a bad idea, you stupid idiot. I will say. We
(27:05):
had some real big fights, but there was we did
have a really good conversation that I felt great about. Um. Um,
where like, you know, you are very thoughtful and you
(27:25):
think through things, and this is something you thought through.
And I'm also like sort of obsessed with home, like
the place I live in is very important to me. Yes, actually,
after this I saw the bathroom got done. I'm so
excited to not be a part of this renovation. I'm
(27:48):
excited to see what you do. I like the work
share we've sort of gotten into, which is like we
we can be cced on emails with people where like
I tell them what's what in the vision and like
what needs to be done, and then when they start
asking like how we're going to pay for things, I'm like,
my husband will talk to you about that those details,
Dr mister wallet over not that like like numbers, yuck,
(28:14):
talk to this guy. I just I just find that
part so boring. When people are like and now we
need these contracts signed and notarized, and I'm like, m no, Um,
I'm gonna go find some snacks. Yeah, I'm like, I
think the walls should be blue, and I'm like, where
does that go on the spreadsheet? I'm in the colors column. Yeah. So, um,
(28:41):
dramatically unrelated topic. But last week we we talked a
lot about the band five for Fighting, and I said,
We've got a lot of comments and emails and text
from friends about that, and I just want to I
(29:02):
want to acknowledge that, Um, I did not sing the
correct song when that Superman song, I was like, oh no,
when you started singing it, it was like not what
I was thinking. But then as soon as someone starts
singing a song, you can't picture any other song in
your mind. And that's just that's small, that upper that small,
(29:23):
that up har um five for fighting. The tone of
five for fighting. The band could not match the concept
of five minutes penalty for fighting? Less? Was that a
convoluted way to say that something? Again? So like the
(29:44):
concept of five for fighting, like five minutes five been
a penalty for fighting in a hockey game. That concept
You think the soundtrack of that concept is is moll
that up bard? That's small? Apply you think it'd be
more like a d top kick Murphy type of what
are you telling about? You're saying theoretically the soundtrack for
(30:08):
sitting in a penalty box. The band five for fighting
the name of the band, right, But that's one of
their songs, right, But all of their songs, it's this
one guy, it's not even a band. All of his
songs are like these real sweet piano singer songwriter things
that that couldn't be further from the aesthetic of hockey.
(30:32):
Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Everything's an illusion? Peter
Our children like to listen to a band called Queen
because they sang a song called we Will rock You.
That is ostensibly a hockey anthem of sports events, and
yet it is sung by a queer icon. Uh you
(30:55):
know what, Beth, that is an excellent point. I think
five for fighting is the opposite of queens. We Will
rock You. Our kids were, oh, wait, this is something
funny that have that it completely forgot, which is when
Brent's friend was here. He was like, hey, Sirie play,
(31:15):
Oh funk, what is the song. It was like, it's
not that. It was not we Will Rock You. Why
did that start playing? Did you put that on? No? You? Okay,
so you said, hey Sirie, right right, But I didn't
say play we will rock you. We were talking about
it earlier. Okay do you guys? Yeah, stop we can't.
(31:42):
We don't have the rights for this. Stop it. It's
too long. Oh this is a disaster. Wait so okay,
so wait wait that made no sense. So I was
trying to remember the song. So he kept your custing
this song by Imagine Dragon and he was like it
was just so funny to see like a five year old.
(32:04):
He kept going, hey Sirie, play Believer by Imagine Dragons
and it was so funny. And then he would just
dance hey, Sirie stop. So oh my god. Oh yeah,
so it's that song and it's like those things. So
(32:25):
they he was dancing to that so enthusiastically, and then
Bryn would try to think of a song, but he
only knows like one song off the top of his heade,
which is we Will Rock You. So then they were
just alternating back and forth between those two songs. So
then when his friend's dad came to pick him up,
they all insisted on like dancing to a full song
in front of him, and they were like, they were like,
(32:46):
we have to request this again. And then they're all
like dancing and jumping on the couch and they looked
so ridiculous. Um, they had really all of them had
really funny dance moves. Um. Yeah, last time we went
over to his house, there was another boy there, maybe
it was there. She didn't want to participate, but they
got a full band. They had a microphone, guitar and
(33:07):
conga and it was real cute. Yeah, it was. Yeah,
they were very funny. Brin one of my favorite videos.
If you'd like to visit my Instagram and scroll all
the way back to when Brin could barely talk but
still talk to nonsense words all the time. There's a
video of him at requesting a song because stop stop clop,
(33:30):
and I'm like, what do you stop? Stop cop stop
stop cop sumptom quap. I'm like, what do you want?
It was stump stump clop, and I figured out that
all you saying stump stump clap, and he wanted me
to play we will rock you. Stump stump clop, stump
stump clap and figuring that out. It still feels like
(33:53):
one of the great dad accomplishments of my life was
so satisfying. Stump stomp kwop by sometimes clap, that's how
should be called stump stump quap. I think you're going
to tell them to scroll back and look for the
video of Maven playing ukulele when she's like one years old.
How old she's like too. She's doing her little foot
(34:15):
tap pretending to play. Oh yeah, I'm standing plinking it's
hard and she's standing next to me trying to tap
her foot like me. Boy, she's so cute. I rediscovered
this video on my sister's Instagram this week of the
Brenn and Maven when they're like two and three or
like littl er. They're so little, they're like one and two,
and they're like feeding her friend's dog and they're so
(34:39):
adorable and chunky, and they're clapping because the dog's eating food.
And then Brin is so excited that he goes to
hug Maven and like tackles her to the ground and
they're just they're so adorable and round there there. I
can't I never had siblings that close to in age,
(35:00):
and it's only two of them, so I feel like
they are going to be close in a way that
I can't relate to well that I feel it feels
very similar to me and my brother. To me, because
me and my brother were almost exactly two years apart
in Britain, man or twenty months, and it's just like
there's something about that closeness where it's like the two
(35:20):
of them just can't imagine a life without each other,
you know. And then you're just like that person you're
sibling dynamic with, that person is just such an enormous
part of who you are, you know what I mean,
likely boy, and it's it's gonna be different. Like my
older brother is like three and a half four years
(35:41):
older than me, and my little bit of six years.
And so there's all these phases of my childhood where
I'm close with this one and that one, but it's
not the same. I feel like it's being so close. Yeah,
oh boy, we gotta we gotta move. Of we had
(36:01):
to move, I like, yeah, we're not going to move
for at least six or seven months, but I'm already
stressed about moving. Well, that's all the stuff that we
need to throw away because this apartment is too cluttered.
Then it's also like, wow, we're gonna have more space. Yeah,
but it's like we're never gonna wish we had that stuff.
There's just too much stuff. It's true. I feel like
(36:23):
we're gonna get a way bigger place and then before
you know it, it's just full of stuff. Well, the
basement of this house currently is a horder level of
just absolute garbage. It could be worse. It's just not
organized in any way. It's just someone was like and
none of the lights work and anyway, it's fine anyway,
(36:44):
Wish us luck, wish us luck. Um, you can send
housewarming gifts to know we know spot at gmail dot com.
Please never do um yeah, um, so yeah, so we will.
We can stop lying to you. Now, stop the lies.
(37:04):
It's happening. I guess now we have to tell everyone.
I didn't know this was happening, but now the secrets
out and the whole world knows. Yeah, I mean yeah,
I told sure if this deal doesn't fall through, it's
true if we don't sign this, I was just waiting
until we sign the contract. But we're a couple of
days away from that. Anyway, fun stuff we talk more about.
(37:27):
The contract has been we knows. Holy crap, that's there's
an announcement. This next segment is called Listeners Want to Knows.
(37:48):
This is where we take questions and comments from you guys.
All right, um, we have an email from a listener. Um,
Dear Beth and Peter, apologizing advanced for the super long email,
but I was wondering if you had any advice or
know of any resources for coping after a miscarriage. I'm
thirty two and this would have would have been my
(38:10):
first pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant right after Thanksgiving,
but didn't tell my husband until I was five weeks
because I wanted to surprise him with the gift that
hadn't arrived yet. Uh darn, Etsy and mail delivery. When
I told him, he was so excited, as was I.
Our lives had changed forever with the news. I had
had spotting since implantation and more one sided pain, but
(38:33):
the doctor did a scan and saw everything looked good.
In week four. Halfway through week six, though, I woke
up to what looked like a period and got scared.
Called the dock and they were able to see me
that afternoon. We're able to see a heartbeat, but it
was too slow, and at that time the doctor couldn't
tell if it had just started beating or if it
was the beginning of a miscarriage. They told me to
(38:55):
go home and keep an eye on my symptoms and
if things got worse to let them know. They gave
me the outs of it would be a viable pregnancy
chance of miscarriage. Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage at home,
just five days after the last visit to my doctor.
My husband was there to help me through the pain
and motions of it all. I called my sister, who
(39:15):
is currently pregnant with her first child but it also
had a miscarriage before that, to have a little more
support from someone who's been through it. I told very
few people about what happened, but didn't feel much better
after shockingly being told things happened for a reason and
what will be will be didn't make me feel like
I had any relief. My husband has been struggling with
(39:36):
it also. He said he didn't have enough time to
process everything about the pregnancy before was over. He said
it was like someone handed him a picture of the
light at the end of the tunnel where he knew
the endpoint was a baby, but it was still the beginning,
but then someone took the picture away, uh, soon after
he got it. The time of year also didn't help
with the stress and emotions because all during Christmas I
(39:59):
kept seeing everyone's beautiful bumps all of her Facebook, and
it brought back all my emotions. Anyway, I don't know
if you guys had any advice or words of wisdom.
Thanks guys, love what you do. Bethany Wow. Um. First
of all, we're so sorry to hear that happen to you. Um.
(40:20):
I I don't know if I have like any like
amazing advice for her, aside from just like trying. I
think anyone who's going through anything like this should make
as much space for themselves as they need to process
and grieve it, and it sounds like she's doing that.
And I think, you know, if there's particular triggers like
(40:40):
social media, that she can let herself off the hook
for that or you know, events like she you know,
she doesn't. Yeah, I feel like social media wa be
particularly unhelpful. Yeah, and it's not. You can't always really
predict where the triggers are going to come from in
your life. But um, yeah, I think she should, you know,
(41:02):
let herself feel her feelings and be upset. And I
think it's good like that she sent this email, whether
she wants to be more public about it or not,
I think talking about it with whoever you're comfortable talking
about it with is really good to help you move
through and process what happened and acknowledge, because they think
if you're not acknowledging the weight of something like this
(41:23):
then how it's affected you, then that keeps you more
stuck there and the emotion. Yeah, and it's and I'm
I am sure as as she described this email, that
that people around you also, you know, don't don't necessarily
know how to support you because it's not simple, it's
(41:47):
not a thing, it's not a thing to be fixed.
And so I'm sure you're getting a lot of as
you mentioned those like everything happens for a reason. Yeah,
And people say some stuff all the time to everyone
about things that they don't realize are super triggering. And
I think that's why sometimes I think it's not that
(42:08):
you know, it should always like, not that you shouldn't
expect people around you to make space for you, because
you should, But that's why sometimes I think it is
good to just like take a break from people in
situations that might be draining for you and just like
take care of yourself when you're in a vulnerable position.
And it's a it's it's I would imagine, and I
(42:31):
have not, We've been fortunate enough to not go through this, ah.
But how confusing it is because this is this is
a you know, ah, you're grieving the loss of a
person that you never met, and so this this person
(42:53):
exists in your in your head and we you know,
when when people are pregnant, when we are pregnant, you
of course can't help but invest in this this this
baby that you have and that you're going to have
with them. Yeah, and and even you don't know them yet,
(43:14):
but suddenly you lose them. You lose that that person
that you've developed, that you've invested, you've built a relationship
um with somebody that you've imagined for the most part,
and it's you still go through a grieving period, but
you can't. Yeah, I think I think people in our
(43:37):
culture are not taught to be patient with theirselves when
they're vulnerable or being like when they're sometimes we all
are turned into a mess, like we're just not like
we everyone should get a pass at some point to
be no longer relied upon, or to have bad days
(44:00):
or to you know, like just things get bad and
you're allowed to just acknowledge that and like let it
envelope you temporarily. And I think it's especially true for women,
but it's also true for men in the sense of
like this toxic masculinity thing where it's like the fact
that it's hit her hitting her husband hard. I think
(44:20):
like people would not necessarily expect that or consider that.
It's like there's it's a weird double edged sword because
like people expect men to be so tough, but then
they're also so much more sympathetic to men in certain situations.
I remember reading the Facebook post of this man I
know who's grieving his teenage daughter, and how while while
(44:44):
they were grieving so many he said, seemingly so many
more people would come and empathize with him, and like
sort of like, I think, because we see women in
these sort of caretaker roles that sometimes we sort of
just assume they'll like suck it up and hold it together.
But then in other ways we also expect men to
hold it together and not express emotions that are not anger.
(45:06):
You know. It's just like very complicated. Yeah, and I
know that I've been guilty of this, and it's yeah,
my impulse has always been too fix a problem, you know.
And so I think when when I've had people around
(45:28):
me who just have grief or are just have gone
through something sad, especially when I was younger, you know,
I'd go into that mode of like, well, here's what
you gotta do, you know. It's just like and it
is that mode of here's here's how you get through this,
as in now I'm older and wiser, and and no
(45:52):
at least that like, oh no, it's worth it's not
my problem to solve, and this is not a solvable problem.
This is just something it needs to be experienced. Yeah,
we're not really comfortable in our culture with like sitting
with painful emotion. It's not like it's not acceptable like
everyone's supposed to like rush off and do something or
(46:15):
drink something or you know. Like yeah, but also and
also not everyone grieves the same way and what people
who are grieving, I don't always know what they need,
and it's it changes moment to moment. And so yeah, well,
one thing that I think is really interesting, I can't
remeber if I talked about this, but um, the same
(46:35):
man I was talking about who lost his daughter, had
sort of a blog on her. She she had cancer
and she died from cancer. And then he was posting
on there's sort of like a caring something website where
you can give updates on people and some I think
some people continue to update after their death. And it
was actually really nice to hear him thoughtfully reflecting on
(46:56):
his experience because it's such a dark period that people
don't really talk about out and he was talking about
how they and his wife were working with a therapist
and how that's really good because people are so just
like spent during that period and can really use like
any help they can get, and he was talking about
how they're when you're grieving, you lose some of your
(47:19):
like executive function ability, like your your day to day processing.
You can't You're just like not you're kind of just
like sunked out in a weird way because obviously you're
just in a state of shock, but then also you're
like dealing with the most stressful thing ever and a
lot of times people are trying to execute a will
(47:40):
and plan a funeral, and like it's just like there's
so much on top of you while you're in the
state where you can barely function. And then he was
also talking about how there is there's this really interesting thing.
I had to find the blog and I get share it,
but I can't remember the link. It was like a
very random, like psychologist blog, but there was this thing
talking about how when we when something bad happens, we
(48:02):
resort to one of several coping mechanisms. And so when
you're in a state of prolonged grief, where your your
brain continues to try to solve the problem, you start
to cycle through coping mechanisms, and so you might like
fixate on one and just like keep attempting it over
and over again. But it's like, you know, all of
(48:24):
all of your normal coping mechanisms of like you know,
I don't whatever like go eat food, drink like you
know whatever, thing like I'm trying. There's like I think
like hyper productivity is one for some people, like you
know how some people they're like they gain a sense
of control from like workaholism or whatever they need to
(48:45):
have something to do to And I do feel like
sometimes you almost see that with people who are like
the second someone dies, it feels like they're like starting
like a charity or like they're like put pouring themselves
into trying to make a meaning of the death. And
like not that there's anything wrong with that inherently, but
(49:07):
so I feel like I understand that that, like the
feeling like you have something needs to be done. Yea.
And yeah, it was just really interesting how like it was.
I think he was talking about how it all played
into like why when people lose a child, their relationships
tend to fall apart like very often. And I think
(49:30):
when you have two people whose brains are trying to
process all of this and who are sort of flailing
and like trying to make sense of their lives and
like just making erratic decisions and being like sort of
out of it, like it's just so overwhelming, and yeah,
that you have to find a new It makes you
confront what has meaning because when you suddenly lose something,
(49:58):
ah that it was very meaningful for you, I feel
like that meaning needs to get redirected to something else
for some people. Yeah. Um. And so it is also
that like, oh, I'm going to do something about this
because it needs to have been for a reason. Um. Yeah,
I mean, or you become like nihilist, Like I don't know,
(50:21):
there's like a lot of ways, sort of like a
very specific thing. Um, but yeah, it's like that's why
you know, people should be gentle with themselves and hopefully
they have people they can turn to and talk to,
and um, you know, I think in situations like this,
it's like, you know, it's kind of like you know,
(50:44):
you almost want to liken it to like having a newborn,
like when your brain and you're like when your body
is like physically and mentally preoccupied with something, like it's
just it's going to consume and impair you for a while.
And if you're like if you're functioning at like a
d plus like that's good for where you're at right now,
(51:06):
you know, like it's just like you don't need to
be like you can phone your life in a little
bit temporarily, and and and people trying to support that person. Yeah,
more and more I've realized that like being there for somebody,
um really should mean just that is just being around
(51:32):
as opposed to I'm here for you? What can I do?
What are we gonna And it's hard not to try
to solve it, like when especially when you see someone
in like deep pain, like it's really that's all of
our knee jerk reaction. It's like what can I get you?
What can I do? Like you know, um, I'm working
on listening. Obviously, I'm relating this to myself. I'm too
afraid to ask people questions and um yeah, but the
(51:58):
sometimes suppecially can do feel like that's really bad. Yeah. Yeah.
I have a friend recently that I went through a
negative thing and I'm so so practical and I'm like, okay, great,
here's the you know, here's here's what we can do
and all that, and and then later this person told
(52:21):
me he's it was like, you know, I sort of
wish you just told me like, yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry,
And I was like I sort of skipped that and
and went right to the it's going to be okay.
I'm like, yeah, you know what, it sucks. They said
that to you. I wish you'd told me that sucks. Yeah,
(52:44):
very politely, but it was very honest. I appreciated it.
I was like, yeah, I skipped that and I went
straight onto the looking ahead. Yeah. Well, sometimes you have
to feel people out and it's hard, like you have
to take a beat to be like, is this person
in a place where they want to here it's going
to be okay? Or do they want to hear that sucks?
Sometimes like sometimes they're trying to move through and they
(53:07):
do need someone to be like it's gonna be okay.
Yeah that's me. Oh my phone just said it's fifteen
minutes to bedtime. That's me and I need to work
on the just saying that that sucks. Yeah, well we
all do. Um, well, thank you very much Bethany for
writing in. Um yeah, thank you for sharing that with us.
(53:29):
Um we're we're we're thinking about you, and uh we
sent you all of our love and support and UM,
I don't I hope you hope you have the space
and the people you need. UM to give you what
you need when you need it, even if you don't
know what it is, Well, that's gonna do it. This
(53:52):
week this is another episode of We Know His Parenting.
If you would like to send us an email, UM,
share some advice, send us would you knows parenting hypothetical situation?
You can email us a we knows pot at gmail
dot com, or you can leave his voicemail at three
four seven three eight four seven three nine six. Find
us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram at we knows pod and
(54:16):
rate review, subscribe, give us those stars we love stars.
Were greedy for stars? Maybe greedy for stars whoas see
you next time. Bye,
We Knows Parenting News
Hosts And Creators
Beth Newell
Peter McNerney
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