April 29, 2024 • 29 mins
Welcome to 'One Hot Mess', an insightful foray into love, heartbreak, and the intricacies of relationships. In this episode, we navigate the turbulent emotional landscape following a breakup, shedding light on finding strength in self-trust. Join host Brittany as she unwraps the layers of self-doubt and sorrow, offering practical advice on controlling emotions and forming trust in future relationships. Experience an enlightenment promoting your faith in your judgments as a crucial element in making room for love.
Brittany sets forth a roadmap for healing post-heartbreak, involving an in-depth analysis of the failed relationship and an understanding of a healthy and toxic relationship's differentiation. For those seeking to return to the dating scene, she furnishes valuable guidance on everything from the intricacies of online dating to finding a compatible and appreciating partner. Explore effective tactics to maintain emotional and mental stability while adventuring into newfound relationships. This episode serves as a comprehensive beacon to self-awareness, personal growth, and overcoming the hurdles of heartbreak.
Breakups often trigger a whirlwind of emotions, including relief, anger, sadness, and loss. Understand your feelings, be truthful to yourself, and remember that it's normal to have conflicting emotions. Brittany guides you through the phases of post-breakup emotions, offering strategies that allow you to face these feelings instead of avoiding them. Discover how to set a no-contact rule and slowly acclimate to your new reality. Practice how to cope with anger and resentment, establish boundaries, and direct your anger positively. Learn about dealing with your sadness and ensuring your mental and physical well-being. Embrace your new normal and gain closure by understanding why your relationship had to end and extending forgiveness where it's due.
The final stage leads you to recognize your resilience and strength, reflect on the shared experiences in the relationship, and open yourself to the possibility of love again. Each stage of a breakup is a stepping stone towards a stronger, wiser version of you. Navigate these emotions with self-compassion and self-care, making the healing process more bearable.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:04):
Welcome to One Hot Mess, where we blend spirituality, relationships,
astrology, and so much more into a cocktail of cosmic insight.
I'm Brittany, your navigator through life's mystical and messy moments.
Tune in and transform the chaos into wisdom.
Music.
(00:28):
Today, we're going to be talking about heartbreak.
Like are you struggling to open up
after having your heart broken if so
it might not be for the reason you think so let's
go ahead and get started okay so you were brave you let yourself love fully
(00:53):
you were vulnerable and you were crushed when the person that you gave your
heart to abused your love or they moved on.
Now, even though you want a healthy new relationship, it's hard to trust again.
Does this sound familiar?
It's not just you. There are many people re-entering the dating field after
(01:18):
a bad experience and they've seen the darkness and felt the pain of losing love.
And for most, this isn't just an intellectual decision. It's a feeling.
You might genuinely want to date, but you find it hard to feel excited about
anyone you meet, or you lose any emerging feelings of attraction for them over the slightest thing,
(01:44):
or you just feel flat and exhausted when you think about dating.
On some level, you know that you are protecting yourself from being hurt again,
but you can't control the way you feel.
It's like knowing you should eat a healthy meal, but having absolutely no appetite.
(02:04):
So what are you supposed to do.
How do you trust again?
Well, here's how, guys. You need to recognize that you don't have to trust another
person. You have to trust yourself.
When you are confident in your good judgment, in your ability to protect yourself,
(02:26):
and in your clarity about your needs, you have nothing to fear from other people.
When you feel safe, when you feel strong, your excitement about possibilities
naturally increases and you are free to feel attraction and even hope.
A lot of people who have been traumatized by past relationships feel that the
(02:51):
primary betrayal they have experienced was their betrayal of themselves.
Themselves they accepted things they shouldn't
have they tolerated mistreatment for too long they dismissed
their inner wisdom and suffered the consequences now they don't trust themselves
not to make the same mistakes again daring to trust again it requires radical
(03:15):
honesty have you learned from the past
have you done an inventory of your relationship that broke your heart?
Do you sincerely believe that you are worthy of love and respect?
Do you know how to keep yourself safe from people who can't or won't love you well?
Do you know how to tell the difference between healthy people and unhealthy people?
(03:39):
Do you know what a healthy relationship is?
These are all big, complicated questions. However, when the answer to these
questions is yes, you have nothing to fear in meeting new people.
When you trust yourself to tell the difference between a keeper and a loser,
you know, dating becomes fun again.
When you're able to quickly identify and cut loose the ones who are not worthy
(04:04):
of your love, you'll stay safe. If you're finding it hard to put yourself back
out there, it could mean that you haven't restored trust in yourself yet.
So here's how to start repairing your confidence in your own judgment.
So, first of all, do an inventory of your past relationship by answering these questions.
(04:28):
What did you learn about what you must have in a healthy partnership?
What were early warning signs that you see now looking back that you overlooked at the time?
Did your strong feelings for your ex lead you to compromise your values?
And what are those values?
(04:50):
What was your quiet, wise voice inside of you telling you about the relationship
that you chose to not listen to?
And if you had a time machine and
knew what you know now what would you have done differently in order to protect
yourself daring to trust again like all things is an invitation to growth you
(05:14):
have the power to create the life and the love that you want consider that your heartbreak break.
As awful as it was, it's an invitation for you to learn, grow,
and become stronger and wiser.
With those intentions firmly in mind, you're going to date with confidence and
(05:35):
find a new partner who is worthy of your love and respect too.
And also, some tips for dating again after a breakup.
You need to make sure you take the time to heal. Allow yourself time to grieve
and heal before dating again.
And go slow, you know, don't rush into a new relationship. Take time to get
(05:58):
to know someone before committing.
Learn from the past because a breakup can teach you about yourself and what you want in a partner.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself credit for trying again and being vulnerable.
Embrace positive thinking. Start each day with positive thoughts about things
(06:21):
you're looking forward to, people you admire, and the dreams that you want to fulfill.
Accept the risks. Be open to the possibility of getting hurt again in exchange
for finding your soulmate.
And if you need to, consider counseling.
A therapist can, of course, provide unbiased feedback and new perspectives and
(06:43):
help you open your heart and learn to trust again and make sure to grieve the loss,
let go of your pain, spend some time reflecting,
just do things that make you feel confident, journal,
identify your strengths and positive qualities.
(07:04):
And you know if you have
experienced a breakup but have given yourself time to heal and you may feel
ready to trust someone with your heart again and you're looking for a romantic
partner but you're just not sure how to date again how do you get back to navigating
the dating world while protecting your mental and emotional health.
(07:27):
Well, in the aftermath of a breakup, you might be tempted to date for validation.
Usually that's not a good idea. You know, find that point of acceptance and
closure before it makes sense to seek out another romantic partner.
I mean, we have all been through painful breakups at one time or another.
(07:48):
And people commonly suffer from all these different feelings and emotions when
that relationship ends.
And you're probably going to experience these negative emotional states that
can impact your mental health, such as anger, betrayal, loss,
abandonment, depression.
(08:09):
And it's totally normal to feel these emotions at first.
But it's important to come to grips with this breakup and understand why it
happened before you put yourself out there again. end.
So rather than jump headfirst into a new relationship, it helps to learn the
lessons and patterns of your past relationship.
(08:31):
So slow down and just check to see if you're truly ready.
If you're seeking a mature relationship filled with love and intimacy,
take steps to ensure that you're on the path to healing after a breakup.
So yeah, like I said, you know, grieve the loss, Don't rush the journey. Let go of your pain.
(08:51):
Spend time reflecting. Be kind to yourself.
You can even read self-help books. Speak to family and friends or consult a therapist.
And by taking these steps, you are more likely to make meaning out of your pain.
And you'll learn more about how you might have contributed to the end of the relationship.
(09:14):
Taking responsibility for your part and contributing to the split while treating
yourself kindly will enhance your future relationships.
And according to a comprehensive research project that included three studies,
self-compassion promoted a more positive adjustment for people who owned their
(09:35):
part in a romantic breakup.
People who had self-compassion and realized how their role in the relationship's
demise had a better romantic outlook, more motivation for self-improvement,
and greater future partner appreciation.
The positive adjustment occurred even while controlling for variables that commonly
(10:00):
affect romantic breakup adjustments.
Like self-esteem levels and attachment styles.
So our path to healing can be impeded by obstacles.
And sometimes we're not even aware that we have hindered our own progress.
So some situations to be aware of.
(10:21):
It's obviously going to be difficult to date again.
If you are feeling hopeless, try arguing a different point of view.
And of course, we got that negative self-talk that can also be destructive. of.
So change that inner dialogue to a neutral or realistic one,
or maybe even an optimistic dialogue.
(10:42):
And dating again may not be easy if you have jitters and dating anxiety.
So practice self-love and relaxation techniques to help you with your anxiety.
And if you're dating again after a divorce, you will need to consider if all
matters have been settled, if the divorce was recently issued,
(11:03):
whether you're still hoping to reconcile with your ex-husband and the impact
your dating might have on your children.
So you're ready to put yourself out there?
Congratulations. Okay, so let's go over some methods that will assist you in
meeting new potential partners.
(11:23):
First of all, get the basics down. Follow these important initial steps to getting
back into the dating pool.
You can use online dating apps and create an online profile that will get you noticed.
Be safe though. Don't use your real number guys.
Use a Google phone number and employ mindfulness.
(11:43):
When you stop multitasking and are living in the moment, you're living mindfully.
Look in someone's eyes when they speak. This is an example of being mindful, some other benefits.
When you're dating mindfully, you're aware and being present when looking for love.
You feel grounded and are dating with intention. You embrace your values.
(12:09):
You're looking for someone who gives you emotional validation.
And be genuine rather than be who you think the other person wants.
No, don't do that. Be who you really are and you're more likely to find the
right person for a relationship.
So adopt a positive attitude and mindset. If you imagine your future is bright,
(12:33):
you'll be more motivated and achieve long-term goals.
Know your limits, set boundaries and expectations. If someone doesn't show for
your first date or ghost you, for example, don't take things personally.
So you already have the guidelines on what will work.
Now, the things to avoid when you jump back into the dating pool.
(12:58):
And though you might swear you've met the one, it's better to give it time.
Don't discuss your ex or the breakup. up. You know, no need to reveal too much too soon.
Don't compare the new potential partner with your former partner.
Don't rush the relationship.
(13:18):
Don't settle for rebound relationships.
It's normal for humans to bond with others.
For emotional wellness, wait until you are ready for a strong emotional emotional
connection with a future partner.
Choose wisely and you're on your way to a new healthy relationship.
(13:41):
All right, so just real quick, let's go through the seven stages of a breakup.
Okay, so the stages of a breakup are similar to the stages of grief.
So this is what you can expect to go through. The first thing is ambivalence.
Was breaking up the right thing to do?
Second thing, denial and shock. Like this cannot be happening.
(14:04):
Number three, anger and resentment. How dare they do this to me?
Four bargaining and negotiation
things will be different this time five
is depression and sadness thinking no one will ever love me six is acceptance
and healing the relationship ran its course and it's over now i'll be okay seventh
(14:29):
growth seven growth and moving on i've moved on i'm happy for them wherever they are.
Okay, so starting with stage one, ambivalence, a million thoughts and feelings
run through your head immediately after a breakup.
And at this stage, your heart and head, they play tug of war with your emotions,
(14:50):
pulling you in different directions.
So these are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage.
Wondering if you did the right thing.
You may find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could have made it work.
And playing out all the scenarios. Your mind keeps playing out all the different what-if scenarios.
(15:11):
What if I had said this? What if they had done that? Would we still be together then?
Getting emotional whiplash. One moment you're feeling empowered,
imagining your future without them.
The next, you're drowning in a sea of nostalgia, going through old photos and
texts, and desperately trying to hold on to something that's slipping away.
(15:33):
And you're going to experience mixed emotions. They're going to be all over the place.
You're relieved that the fights are over, but you don't want to be single again.
You're angry at your ex about the way they treated you, but you also miss them.
So here's some strategies that can help you cope with these mixed feelings.
First of all, you want to make sure you acknowledge your feelings.
(15:55):
Remember that it's okay to have conflicting feelings.
Acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel your feelings fully as
they arise so they can be felt, expressed, and moved through you.
And be honest with yourself. Take the time to understand your needs,
desires, and priorities.
(16:16):
Reflect on what you want in a relationship. And are you feeling these feelings
because it's genuinely what you want?
Don't lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth.
Okay, you can even make a pro and cons list. It may be helpful to make this list.
(16:36):
It can help you objectively figure out whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do.
You can consider a grief ritual. Rituals can help you regain a sense of stability
and work through your emotions.
They can be powerful and symbolic ways to help you in the process of healing and letting go.
So it may help to write a letter to your ex. of all the things that you want
(16:59):
to express and then just burn it.
Intentionally dispose or give away physical reminders of the relationship or
clean and update your environment in a way that brings you feelings of peace and hope.
Okay, then stage two, denial and shock. Shock tends to set in soon after a breakup
(17:21):
and at this stage, we're in denial about the a breakup in our emotions.
Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality.
And some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience are refusing to accept reality.
You're probably thinking that this can't be happening.
(17:43):
We've been through this before. We can fix it or they'll come around and we'll get back together.
And then there's avoiding Avoiding painful emotions, because like I said,
denial serves as a protective shield against the intense emotions that come with a breakup.
So instead of facing the pain head on, you bury your emotions.
You distract yourself with work and other responsibilities to avoid thinking about it.
(18:09):
Then we have staying in touch with your ex. You may continue to text and call
them as though you're still together, consulting them about your life as though nothing has changed.
Maybe you're not sharing the news. You may not have told your friends and family
members about the breakup yet because you're not ready to face it.
And a small part of you is still hoping that maybe you'll get back together.
(18:31):
So some strategies that can help you cope with shock and denial.
Allow yourself to feel. Stop hiding from your emotions and keeping yourself
busy to distract yourself.
So allow yourself to feel all the feels, no matter how painful they are in that moment.
And share the news with loved ones.
(18:53):
Telling them how you feel so you can begin to process the situation.
Adjust to your new reality, forgetting that you've broken up,
only to be reminded of it again and again.
It can be painful, so allow yourself to grieve when you find yourself forgetting
that things in your life are not the same anymore.
Slowly, you'll start to adjust to your new reality.
(19:16):
And it's probably best to avoid contact with your
ex follow the no contact rule
avoid calling or texting them and stalking
them on social media that's off limits also y'all this
habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts
of their activities and whereabouts and research shows that staying in touch
(19:41):
with your ex makes it harder to move on Then we have stage three, anger and resentment.
Some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage is feeling hurt.
And this hurt can manifest into the form of anger.
Picking fights. Your anger may prompt you to act out in reactive ways,
(20:02):
such as sending hurtful messages, saying things you don't mean,
and picking fights with your ex, even after the breakup. up.
Playing the blame game, you may look for a target to direct your anger toward.
You may blame your ex, yourself, or other factors for the breakup.
Replaying past offenses like a reel of your ex-partner's offenses may play in your head on a loop.
(20:29):
Every little thing they did to offend you over the course of your relationship
can pile up and intensify your anger.
Destroying memories, your anger may manifest into physical ways,
prompting you to discard or destroy items that remind you of them.
Becoming bitter, Your anger can color your view of life, making you feel bitter,
(20:50):
cynical, and resentful toward others.
So some strategies that can help you cope with anger and resentment, just sit with it.
Sitting with your anger, even
though it's uncomfortable, so that it can rise and fade away on its own.
Channel your anger. it's important to do
this to channel your anger toward healthy outlets
(21:13):
such as exercise art music and so
on of course set those healthy boundaries establish
clear boundaries with your ex-partner to avoid any situations that may trigger
your anger or resentment and try to avoid bad mouthing your ex you know their
negative traits and character flaws to others as it reflects poorly on you,
(21:36):
using your conversations with others to focus on rebuilding yourself and not diminishing your ex.
Forgiveness, it doesn't mean forgetting or condoning everything that happened.
Rather, it's about releasing the hold that the resentment has on you.
And this process, of course, can take time and it may involve forgiving yourself as well.
(22:01):
Stage four, bargaining and negotiation.
This stage is where we negotiate with ourselves and our partners ways in which
we can change ourselves or our situation in order to regain the relationship.
It's a grief response that helps us cope with the pain of a breakup.
(22:22):
So some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage,
wishing for another chance, promising change. You may promise your ex you'll
change in hopes of getting them back.
Seeking compromises. You may try to compromise with your ex by agreeing to attend
couples therapy, for example.
(22:43):
Negotiating relationship terms.
You may try to renegotiate relationship terms with your ex to keep them in your life.
Proposing friendship, friends with benefits, or an open relationship,
or other alternatives instead of a complete separation.
And compromising personal values. You may compromise on your own personal values,
(23:07):
your boundaries, or lifestyle choices to try and make things work with your ex-partner.
So some strategies strategies that can help you cope avoid reminiscing about the relationship,
although it may of course be super difficult just try not to reminisce about
the relationship because when you do that you're only extracting the moments
(23:27):
of the relationship you want to remember when you start to think that they should
be back in your life avoid reminiscing and weigh out the reasons that you're no longer together.
And do not idealize the person. Once you've broken up with someone,
it's easy to over idealize the person.
It's important to remember both the good and the bad.
(23:51):
And do not compromise your values that are important to you.
Remember that you can have a fulfilling relationship on your own terms with
someone who shares your values.
Stage five, depression and sadness breakups can
be painful and lead to
depression and these are some of the thoughts and behaviors
you may experience in this stage overwhelming sadness even
(24:15):
things you once enjoyed may not seem exciting anymore and you may feel sad and
low all the time which can make it difficult to function crying spells you may
cry frequently because you're triggered by memories or reminders of your relationship,
hopelessness, thinking things like you'll be single forever,
(24:37):
you'll never be loved in the same way, you feel lonely, you can't handle this all alone.
There's social withdrawal. You may find yourself isolating yourself from friends
and family as socializing can feel emotionally exhausting.
Some coping strategies. Let
yourself grieve. Understand that it's normal to grieve after a breakup.
(25:00):
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship and just be patient with
yourself in the process and avoid putting pressure on yourself to just get over it.
Create a self-care routine. Make sure to take care of your mental and physical
health, making sure to get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
Do things that make you feel happy and relaxed.
(25:24):
Focus on the present moment.
Avoid being overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or the future.
Meditation and journaling can help with this. And if you need to,
seek professional support.
Stage six, acceptance and healing. you will heal over time and eventually you'll
be able to accept this loss and when we reach this stage we allow ourselves
(25:48):
to integrate the feelings experiences lessons and memories of the relationship
and come to the realization that it has run its course,
some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in
this stage embracing the new normal you're
able to recognize that the relationship has ended and
accept the new normal feeling more stable
(26:11):
you're less likely to experience
sadness anger or regret getting closure
you're finally able to understand and accept the reasons for the breakup so
this understanding gives you closure and helps you grow as a person letting
go you're able to forgive yourself and your ex letting go of your anger and
(26:32):
resentment and being open to moving on on.
Now you're more ready for it.
Common thoughts at this stage include, that was a time in my life that has run
its course, it's over now, or I'm moving on, they're moving on, and I'm fine with it.
And here are some strategies that can help promote healing.
(26:56):
Reframe the narrative. Shift the
narrative of the breakup from loss to an opportunity to learn and grow.
Recognize your strength. Recognize the strength and resilience within you that
has helped you overcome this difficult time.
Be grateful for the relationship, for the positive parts of the relationship,
(27:18):
all the memories, experiences, and the lessons you took away from it.
Allow yourself to recognize and feel the loss while still remembering that you will love again. end.
And stage number seven is growth and moving on because eventually you will reach
a frame of mind where you're ready to move on and grow as a person.
(27:40):
Some thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage are gaining your
self-esteem, feeling more confident and sure of yourself, reconnecting with
your social life, reconnecting with your friends and start engaging in more social activities,
being open to new relationships.
You may feel ready to start dating again, and be open to the idea of a new relationship.
(28:03):
So some strategies that can help promote growth.
Connect with others. Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives.
Explore new interests. Learn new things about yourself in the process.
Travel. Visiting new places can help reset your frame of mind.
(28:26):
You can read. Reading about relationships and personal growth to help you process
your emotions, broaden your horizons, and grow.
Row and keep in mind a breakup can
be quite an emotional journey and although
the process can be painful each stage
sorry each stage is a
(28:47):
stepping stone toward a stronger wiser version
of ourselves and if you have recently been through a bad breakup just hang in
there and remember things will get better it may take some time but one day
you'll wake up and it won't hurt so much Focus on practicing self-compassion
and taking care of yourself in the meantime,
(29:08):
and just remember that you've got this.
Okay y'all that wraps up another episode
of one hot mess if you've enjoyed today's episode please don't forget to follow
and share and please leave a review your support helps keep this mess going
(29:33):
thank you so much for listening i'll talk to you guys next time.
Music.
Music.
(00:04):
Welcome to One Hot Mess, where we blend spirituality, relationships,
astrology, and so much more into a cocktail of cosmic insight.
I'm Brittany, your navigator through life's mystical and messy moments.
Tune in and transform the chaos into wisdom.
Music.
(00:28):
Today, we're going to be talking about heartbreak.
Like are you struggling to open up
after having your heart broken if so
it might not be for the reason you think so let's
go ahead and get started okay so you were brave you let yourself love fully
(00:53):
you were vulnerable and you were crushed when the person that you gave your
heart to abused your love or they moved on.
Now, even though you want a healthy new relationship, it's hard to trust again.
Does this sound familiar?
It's not just you. There are many people re-entering the dating field after
(01:18):
a bad experience and they've seen the darkness and felt the pain of losing love.
And for most, this isn't just an intellectual decision. It's a feeling.
You might genuinely want to date, but you find it hard to feel excited about
anyone you meet, or you lose any emerging feelings of attraction for them over the slightest thing,
(01:44):
or you just feel flat and exhausted when you think about dating.
On some level, you know that you are protecting yourself from being hurt again,
but you can't control the way you feel.
It's like knowing you should eat a healthy meal, but having absolutely no appetite.
(02:04):
So what are you supposed to do.
How do you trust again?
Well, here's how, guys. You need to recognize that you don't have to trust another
person. You have to trust yourself.
When you are confident in your good judgment, in your ability to protect yourself,
(02:26):
and in your clarity about your needs, you have nothing to fear from other people.
When you feel safe, when you feel strong, your excitement about possibilities
naturally increases and you are free to feel attraction and even hope.
A lot of people who have been traumatized by past relationships feel that the
(02:51):
primary betrayal they have experienced was their betrayal of themselves.
Themselves they accepted things they shouldn't
have they tolerated mistreatment for too long they dismissed
their inner wisdom and suffered the consequences now they don't trust themselves
not to make the same mistakes again daring to trust again it requires radical
(03:15):
honesty have you learned from the past
have you done an inventory of your relationship that broke your heart?
Do you sincerely believe that you are worthy of love and respect?
Do you know how to keep yourself safe from people who can't or won't love you well?
Do you know how to tell the difference between healthy people and unhealthy people?
(03:39):
Do you know what a healthy relationship is?
These are all big, complicated questions. However, when the answer to these
questions is yes, you have nothing to fear in meeting new people.
When you trust yourself to tell the difference between a keeper and a loser,
you know, dating becomes fun again.
When you're able to quickly identify and cut loose the ones who are not worthy
(04:04):
of your love, you'll stay safe. If you're finding it hard to put yourself back
out there, it could mean that you haven't restored trust in yourself yet.
So here's how to start repairing your confidence in your own judgment.
So, first of all, do an inventory of your past relationship by answering these questions.
(04:28):
What did you learn about what you must have in a healthy partnership?
What were early warning signs that you see now looking back that you overlooked at the time?
Did your strong feelings for your ex lead you to compromise your values?
And what are those values?
(04:50):
What was your quiet, wise voice inside of you telling you about the relationship
that you chose to not listen to?
And if you had a time machine and
knew what you know now what would you have done differently in order to protect
yourself daring to trust again like all things is an invitation to growth you
(05:14):
have the power to create the life and the love that you want consider that your heartbreak break.
As awful as it was, it's an invitation for you to learn, grow,
and become stronger and wiser.
With those intentions firmly in mind, you're going to date with confidence and
(05:35):
find a new partner who is worthy of your love and respect too.
And also, some tips for dating again after a breakup.
You need to make sure you take the time to heal. Allow yourself time to grieve
and heal before dating again.
And go slow, you know, don't rush into a new relationship. Take time to get
(05:58):
to know someone before committing.
Learn from the past because a breakup can teach you about yourself and what you want in a partner.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself credit for trying again and being vulnerable.
Embrace positive thinking. Start each day with positive thoughts about things
(06:21):
you're looking forward to, people you admire, and the dreams that you want to fulfill.
Accept the risks. Be open to the possibility of getting hurt again in exchange
for finding your soulmate.
And if you need to, consider counseling.
A therapist can, of course, provide unbiased feedback and new perspectives and
(06:43):
help you open your heart and learn to trust again and make sure to grieve the loss,
let go of your pain, spend some time reflecting,
just do things that make you feel confident, journal,
identify your strengths and positive qualities.
(07:04):
And you know if you have
experienced a breakup but have given yourself time to heal and you may feel
ready to trust someone with your heart again and you're looking for a romantic
partner but you're just not sure how to date again how do you get back to navigating
the dating world while protecting your mental and emotional health.
(07:27):
Well, in the aftermath of a breakup, you might be tempted to date for validation.
Usually that's not a good idea. You know, find that point of acceptance and
closure before it makes sense to seek out another romantic partner.
I mean, we have all been through painful breakups at one time or another.
(07:48):
And people commonly suffer from all these different feelings and emotions when
that relationship ends.
And you're probably going to experience these negative emotional states that
can impact your mental health, such as anger, betrayal, loss,
abandonment, depression.
(08:09):
And it's totally normal to feel these emotions at first.
But it's important to come to grips with this breakup and understand why it
happened before you put yourself out there again. end.
So rather than jump headfirst into a new relationship, it helps to learn the
lessons and patterns of your past relationship.
(08:31):
So slow down and just check to see if you're truly ready.
If you're seeking a mature relationship filled with love and intimacy,
take steps to ensure that you're on the path to healing after a breakup.
So yeah, like I said, you know, grieve the loss, Don't rush the journey. Let go of your pain.
(08:51):
Spend time reflecting. Be kind to yourself.
You can even read self-help books. Speak to family and friends or consult a therapist.
And by taking these steps, you are more likely to make meaning out of your pain.
And you'll learn more about how you might have contributed to the end of the relationship.
(09:14):
Taking responsibility for your part and contributing to the split while treating
yourself kindly will enhance your future relationships.
And according to a comprehensive research project that included three studies,
self-compassion promoted a more positive adjustment for people who owned their
(09:35):
part in a romantic breakup.
People who had self-compassion and realized how their role in the relationship's
demise had a better romantic outlook, more motivation for self-improvement,
and greater future partner appreciation.
The positive adjustment occurred even while controlling for variables that commonly
(10:00):
affect romantic breakup adjustments.
Like self-esteem levels and attachment styles.
So our path to healing can be impeded by obstacles.
And sometimes we're not even aware that we have hindered our own progress.
So some situations to be aware of.
(10:21):
It's obviously going to be difficult to date again.
If you are feeling hopeless, try arguing a different point of view.
And of course, we got that negative self-talk that can also be destructive. of.
So change that inner dialogue to a neutral or realistic one,
or maybe even an optimistic dialogue.
(10:42):
And dating again may not be easy if you have jitters and dating anxiety.
So practice self-love and relaxation techniques to help you with your anxiety.
And if you're dating again after a divorce, you will need to consider if all
matters have been settled, if the divorce was recently issued,
(11:03):
whether you're still hoping to reconcile with your ex-husband and the impact
your dating might have on your children.
So you're ready to put yourself out there?
Congratulations. Okay, so let's go over some methods that will assist you in
meeting new potential partners.
(11:23):
First of all, get the basics down. Follow these important initial steps to getting
back into the dating pool.
You can use online dating apps and create an online profile that will get you noticed.
Be safe though. Don't use your real number guys.
Use a Google phone number and employ mindfulness.
(11:43):
When you stop multitasking and are living in the moment, you're living mindfully.
Look in someone's eyes when they speak. This is an example of being mindful, some other benefits.
When you're dating mindfully, you're aware and being present when looking for love.
You feel grounded and are dating with intention. You embrace your values.
(12:09):
You're looking for someone who gives you emotional validation.
And be genuine rather than be who you think the other person wants.
No, don't do that. Be who you really are and you're more likely to find the
right person for a relationship.
So adopt a positive attitude and mindset. If you imagine your future is bright,
(12:33):
you'll be more motivated and achieve long-term goals.
Know your limits, set boundaries and expectations. If someone doesn't show for
your first date or ghost you, for example, don't take things personally.
So you already have the guidelines on what will work.
Now, the things to avoid when you jump back into the dating pool.
(12:58):
And though you might swear you've met the one, it's better to give it time.
Don't discuss your ex or the breakup. up. You know, no need to reveal too much too soon.
Don't compare the new potential partner with your former partner.
Don't rush the relationship.
(13:18):
Don't settle for rebound relationships.
It's normal for humans to bond with others.
For emotional wellness, wait until you are ready for a strong emotional emotional
connection with a future partner.
Choose wisely and you're on your way to a new healthy relationship.
(13:41):
All right, so just real quick, let's go through the seven stages of a breakup.
Okay, so the stages of a breakup are similar to the stages of grief.
So this is what you can expect to go through. The first thing is ambivalence.
Was breaking up the right thing to do?
Second thing, denial and shock. Like this cannot be happening.
(14:04):
Number three, anger and resentment. How dare they do this to me?
Four bargaining and negotiation
things will be different this time five
is depression and sadness thinking no one will ever love me six is acceptance
and healing the relationship ran its course and it's over now i'll be okay seventh
(14:29):
growth seven growth and moving on i've moved on i'm happy for them wherever they are.
Okay, so starting with stage one, ambivalence, a million thoughts and feelings
run through your head immediately after a breakup.
And at this stage, your heart and head, they play tug of war with your emotions,
(14:50):
pulling you in different directions.
So these are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage.
Wondering if you did the right thing.
You may find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could have made it work.
And playing out all the scenarios. Your mind keeps playing out all the different what-if scenarios.
(15:11):
What if I had said this? What if they had done that? Would we still be together then?
Getting emotional whiplash. One moment you're feeling empowered,
imagining your future without them.
The next, you're drowning in a sea of nostalgia, going through old photos and
texts, and desperately trying to hold on to something that's slipping away.
(15:33):
And you're going to experience mixed emotions. They're going to be all over the place.
You're relieved that the fights are over, but you don't want to be single again.
You're angry at your ex about the way they treated you, but you also miss them.
So here's some strategies that can help you cope with these mixed feelings.
First of all, you want to make sure you acknowledge your feelings.
(15:55):
Remember that it's okay to have conflicting feelings.
Acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel your feelings fully as
they arise so they can be felt, expressed, and moved through you.
And be honest with yourself. Take the time to understand your needs,
desires, and priorities.
(16:16):
Reflect on what you want in a relationship. And are you feeling these feelings
because it's genuinely what you want?
Don't lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth.
Okay, you can even make a pro and cons list. It may be helpful to make this list.
(16:36):
It can help you objectively figure out whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do.
You can consider a grief ritual. Rituals can help you regain a sense of stability
and work through your emotions.
They can be powerful and symbolic ways to help you in the process of healing and letting go.
So it may help to write a letter to your ex. of all the things that you want
(16:59):
to express and then just burn it.
Intentionally dispose or give away physical reminders of the relationship or
clean and update your environment in a way that brings you feelings of peace and hope.
Okay, then stage two, denial and shock. Shock tends to set in soon after a breakup
(17:21):
and at this stage, we're in denial about the a breakup in our emotions.
Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality.
And some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience are refusing to accept reality.
You're probably thinking that this can't be happening.
(17:43):
We've been through this before. We can fix it or they'll come around and we'll get back together.
And then there's avoiding Avoiding painful emotions, because like I said,
denial serves as a protective shield against the intense emotions that come with a breakup.
So instead of facing the pain head on, you bury your emotions.
You distract yourself with work and other responsibilities to avoid thinking about it.
(18:09):
Then we have staying in touch with your ex. You may continue to text and call
them as though you're still together, consulting them about your life as though nothing has changed.
Maybe you're not sharing the news. You may not have told your friends and family
members about the breakup yet because you're not ready to face it.
And a small part of you is still hoping that maybe you'll get back together.
(18:31):
So some strategies that can help you cope with shock and denial.
Allow yourself to feel. Stop hiding from your emotions and keeping yourself
busy to distract yourself.
So allow yourself to feel all the feels, no matter how painful they are in that moment.
And share the news with loved ones.
(18:53):
Telling them how you feel so you can begin to process the situation.
Adjust to your new reality, forgetting that you've broken up,
only to be reminded of it again and again.
It can be painful, so allow yourself to grieve when you find yourself forgetting
that things in your life are not the same anymore.
Slowly, you'll start to adjust to your new reality.
(19:16):
And it's probably best to avoid contact with your
ex follow the no contact rule
avoid calling or texting them and stalking
them on social media that's off limits also y'all this
habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts
of their activities and whereabouts and research shows that staying in touch
(19:41):
with your ex makes it harder to move on Then we have stage three, anger and resentment.
Some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage is feeling hurt.
And this hurt can manifest into the form of anger.
Picking fights. Your anger may prompt you to act out in reactive ways,
(20:02):
such as sending hurtful messages, saying things you don't mean,
and picking fights with your ex, even after the breakup. up.
Playing the blame game, you may look for a target to direct your anger toward.
You may blame your ex, yourself, or other factors for the breakup.
Replaying past offenses like a reel of your ex-partner's offenses may play in your head on a loop.
(20:29):
Every little thing they did to offend you over the course of your relationship
can pile up and intensify your anger.
Destroying memories, your anger may manifest into physical ways,
prompting you to discard or destroy items that remind you of them.
Becoming bitter, Your anger can color your view of life, making you feel bitter,
(20:50):
cynical, and resentful toward others.
So some strategies that can help you cope with anger and resentment, just sit with it.
Sitting with your anger, even
though it's uncomfortable, so that it can rise and fade away on its own.
Channel your anger. it's important to do
this to channel your anger toward healthy outlets
(21:13):
such as exercise art music and so
on of course set those healthy boundaries establish
clear boundaries with your ex-partner to avoid any situations that may trigger
your anger or resentment and try to avoid bad mouthing your ex you know their
negative traits and character flaws to others as it reflects poorly on you,
(21:36):
using your conversations with others to focus on rebuilding yourself and not diminishing your ex.
Forgiveness, it doesn't mean forgetting or condoning everything that happened.
Rather, it's about releasing the hold that the resentment has on you.
And this process, of course, can take time and it may involve forgiving yourself as well.
(22:01):
Stage four, bargaining and negotiation.
This stage is where we negotiate with ourselves and our partners ways in which
we can change ourselves or our situation in order to regain the relationship.
It's a grief response that helps us cope with the pain of a breakup.
(22:22):
So some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage,
wishing for another chance, promising change. You may promise your ex you'll
change in hopes of getting them back.
Seeking compromises. You may try to compromise with your ex by agreeing to attend
couples therapy, for example.
(22:43):
Negotiating relationship terms.
You may try to renegotiate relationship terms with your ex to keep them in your life.
Proposing friendship, friends with benefits, or an open relationship,
or other alternatives instead of a complete separation.
And compromising personal values. You may compromise on your own personal values,
(23:07):
your boundaries, or lifestyle choices to try and make things work with your ex-partner.
So some strategies strategies that can help you cope avoid reminiscing about the relationship,
although it may of course be super difficult just try not to reminisce about
the relationship because when you do that you're only extracting the moments
(23:27):
of the relationship you want to remember when you start to think that they should
be back in your life avoid reminiscing and weigh out the reasons that you're no longer together.
And do not idealize the person. Once you've broken up with someone,
it's easy to over idealize the person.
It's important to remember both the good and the bad.
(23:51):
And do not compromise your values that are important to you.
Remember that you can have a fulfilling relationship on your own terms with
someone who shares your values.
Stage five, depression and sadness breakups can
be painful and lead to
depression and these are some of the thoughts and behaviors
you may experience in this stage overwhelming sadness even
(24:15):
things you once enjoyed may not seem exciting anymore and you may feel sad and
low all the time which can make it difficult to function crying spells you may
cry frequently because you're triggered by memories or reminders of your relationship,
hopelessness, thinking things like you'll be single forever,
(24:37):
you'll never be loved in the same way, you feel lonely, you can't handle this all alone.
There's social withdrawal. You may find yourself isolating yourself from friends
and family as socializing can feel emotionally exhausting.
Some coping strategies. Let
yourself grieve. Understand that it's normal to grieve after a breakup.
(25:00):
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship and just be patient with
yourself in the process and avoid putting pressure on yourself to just get over it.
Create a self-care routine. Make sure to take care of your mental and physical
health, making sure to get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
Do things that make you feel happy and relaxed.
(25:24):
Focus on the present moment.
Avoid being overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or the future.
Meditation and journaling can help with this. And if you need to,
seek professional support.
Stage six, acceptance and healing. you will heal over time and eventually you'll
be able to accept this loss and when we reach this stage we allow ourselves
(25:48):
to integrate the feelings experiences lessons and memories of the relationship
and come to the realization that it has run its course,
some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in
this stage embracing the new normal you're
able to recognize that the relationship has ended and
accept the new normal feeling more stable
(26:11):
you're less likely to experience
sadness anger or regret getting closure
you're finally able to understand and accept the reasons for the breakup so
this understanding gives you closure and helps you grow as a person letting
go you're able to forgive yourself and your ex letting go of your anger and
(26:32):
resentment and being open to moving on on.
Now you're more ready for it.
Common thoughts at this stage include, that was a time in my life that has run
its course, it's over now, or I'm moving on, they're moving on, and I'm fine with it.
And here are some strategies that can help promote healing.
(26:56):
Reframe the narrative. Shift the
narrative of the breakup from loss to an opportunity to learn and grow.
Recognize your strength. Recognize the strength and resilience within you that
has helped you overcome this difficult time.
Be grateful for the relationship, for the positive parts of the relationship,
(27:18):
all the memories, experiences, and the lessons you took away from it.
Allow yourself to recognize and feel the loss while still remembering that you will love again. end.
And stage number seven is growth and moving on because eventually you will reach
a frame of mind where you're ready to move on and grow as a person.
(27:40):
Some thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage are gaining your
self-esteem, feeling more confident and sure of yourself, reconnecting with
your social life, reconnecting with your friends and start engaging in more social activities,
being open to new relationships.
You may feel ready to start dating again, and be open to the idea of a new relationship.
(28:03):
So some strategies that can help promote growth.
Connect with others. Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives.
Explore new interests. Learn new things about yourself in the process.
Travel. Visiting new places can help reset your frame of mind.
(28:26):
You can read. Reading about relationships and personal growth to help you process
your emotions, broaden your horizons, and grow.
Row and keep in mind a breakup can
be quite an emotional journey and although
the process can be painful each stage
sorry each stage is a
(28:47):
stepping stone toward a stronger wiser version
of ourselves and if you have recently been through a bad breakup just hang in
there and remember things will get better it may take some time but one day
you'll wake up and it won't hurt so much Focus on practicing self-compassion
and taking care of yourself in the meantime,
(29:08):
and just remember that you've got this.
Okay y'all that wraps up another episode
of one hot mess if you've enjoyed today's episode please don't forget to follow
and share and please leave a review your support helps keep this mess going
(29:33):
thank you so much for listening i'll talk to you guys next time.
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