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May 22, 2024 46 mins

Kelly talks to life coach, hypnotherapist and programming director of Sage and Sound in NYC, Ryan Haddon about finding gratitude, why relationships are here to heal us and how overcoming addiction was the “window of grace” she needed. Ryan tells her story of coming back from years of alcohol abuse, codependent and love addiction in relationships and a very public divorce why those things were actually the things that saved her life. Ryan and Kelly discuss the mirrors that all relationships bring and how our subconscious mind controls 95% of our thoughts. Ryan gives tools on how to connect with that subconscious mindset and reframe old programming to make different choices in life and relationships.

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Website- ryanhaddon.com

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Our word this month on the Velvet Edge podcast is abandon,
and I shared this on the First Edge podcast this
month that the word abandon makes me think of a
recent lesson I've been learning in laying things down, or
letting things go, or walking away when things have served
their purpose and time in your life and they're just
ready to be released. I used to think that was

(00:21):
like quitting, that a mentality like that made me weak,
so I would contort and change and rearrange myself and
my life to make those things fit or to keep them.
I now believe that one of the bravest and most
courageous things we can do is walk away and move
on to the next evolution of our lives. When we
were working on the guests this month, I could not

(00:43):
stop thinking about a former guest I interviewed last year,
Ryan Hayden. Ryan is a writer, speaker, coach, and hypnotist
whose journey inspires me almost daily. To me, Ryan's life
is a testament of abandoning the things that no longer
served her, the mentalities, the coping mechanisms, the addictions, the chaos.

(01:04):
Now her life is quite the opposite, and though I'm
sure the process was full of pain. I now look
to Ryan as an example of someone who has what
I want. That desire has nothing to do with anything
that she has on the outside, but from the inner
piece and clear relationship with herself and a higher power
that I find inspiring. Ryan shared lots of her wisdom

(01:25):
from experience with me in this conversation.

Speaker 2 (01:27):
I hope you guys.

Speaker 3 (01:28):
Enjoy conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the
Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
Ryan had in this here.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
She is life and spiritual coach and a hypnotherapist, which
I'm fascinated about.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
So we have to talk about that later. You were a.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
Contributor at Poosh, Mind Body, You've done all sorts of work,
and now you've opened your own space called Sage and
Sound or you're the programming director, which I'm so excited
to hear about that as well. I was just telling
you before we started though, that our topic this month
is gratitude. You know, we pick a theme each month,
and obviously with Thanksgiving, that is a really, really spot

(02:06):
on topic, and I guess I would start with saying,
is there some way in your practice personal practice that
you tie in gratitude on a daily basis.

Speaker 4 (02:18):
I think gratitude is a frequency, right, okay, and so
we want to step into that flow, that frequency of
good because we're when we're edging in gratitude, we kind
of view life from a different perspective. We have a
more optimistic perspective and more optimistic way of noting good

(02:39):
that's happening in real time. So I'm a big fan
of working gratitude in And I think that gratitude and
fear and more unfavorable emotions can coexist, just like we
can love and fear can coexist, or faith and fear,
or whoever it is. I think we can just edge
in these ways in which we want to operate from,

(03:02):
and we don't bypass. You know, we talked about that
a little bit earlier, you and I about we don't
want that fake gratitude. Everything's so great under the surface,
we're like, you know, dying and big dying inside. Like
that is over and we're not putting like a false,
you know, mask on top of what's true for us.
But I think we can acknowledge what's true for us.

(03:23):
I feel like shit, I'm really upset, I'm angry, But
where can I notice some good unfolding in this now moment?
Where is my cup of coffee was really hot? Someone
held the door for me. Yeah, that stranger just smiled
at me. It's really creating that practice of holding both things.
Both things are true, and that's when we get some

(03:44):
emotional maturity because we're we're not allowing one feeling to
run point in our entire life. We're not negating it,
We're is holding space for it.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (03:53):
And also, feelings aren't facts, Like no one told me
this as a kid. Like for some reason, when I
got you know, and my self development path, it was
always like what are you feeling? What are you feeling?
And putting all this importance in what we're feeling. So yes,
do that note how you're feeling, because we have like
thirty to sixty thousand thoughts a day, and that's my
hypnotherapist hat on, you know.

Speaker 1 (04:14):
Because thirty to sixty thousand is that what you say?

Speaker 2 (04:18):
Yes, that's what my god and.

Speaker 4 (04:20):
And they're all bubbling up from the subconscious.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:23):
So we have all those thoughts and they dictate a mood,
they dictate a feeling. Yeah, but they're also not that important.
And you know, it's where we stop and grab onto
a thought, and one thought comes on the screen, and
it's usually those habitual thoughts because they're like neural pathways
that have been etched in the mind and they like
they find their little groove. So if it's for you, you Kelly,

(04:45):
but it with someone else, like nobody likes me. Yeah,
we likes me, So everything around you keeps calibrating to
that truth nobody likes me, so you start seeing it everywhere.
So anyway, I digress. There's a lot of different points
in what I just said. But truly, truly, we can
notice a thought and and then we can still try
to move through it. See this is true for me
right now I feel angry, and we can also start

(05:07):
looking around, like what good is unfolding in this time
and the moment instead of allowing that just runaway train.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
I love that because when I was reading about you,
one of the main things that jumped out to me
about your story was that it's not like you present
this perfect story of this perfect life, like you've had
great moments and you've had really hard moments from what
I read, And the bigger piece to me and that
the one that really resonates with me, is that some

(05:35):
of your hardest moments, viewing from the outside, seem to
be the catalyst for you to really like grow and evolve.
And so looking back, I would imagine there is a
sense of gratitude and just like you're saying, you had
that like matching feeling of you know, I'm sure those
were like very painful.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
Very sad, very hard.

Speaker 1 (05:54):
There's a lot of anger, all of the emotions, and
now you're like, oh wow, without that, I could never
be where I am.

Speaker 4 (06:03):
Yeah, right, I mean that's true. Oh yeah, yeah, And
that's true for all of us. I think any good
practitioner or a healer or coach or therapist has. If
you're holding space for someone, you have to have walked
through the yeah on the hot coals yourself in some ways.
You have to be a way shower, you know, or
a light bearer. And that gets into the woolu portion
of this. I'm sure there'll be more. I think you

(06:27):
can't hold space for someone else's shadow or darkness truly, truly, truly,
I mean, and I can get it through textbooks, but
I don't know that people trust that you have you
can hold that experience. The depth of that, and so
I definitely feel it's my privilege and my honor to
be able to be one of those people in this time,
in this very pivotal time on our planet. And I

(06:51):
definitely have been to the dark places. Yeah, I am
this week, I have nineteen years in recovery.

Speaker 2 (06:58):
Wow, congrass, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 4 (07:01):
Yes. What that means is it just means that nineteen
years ago a window of grace opened and I crawled
through it because I really truly think that it was
a miracle. It was one way and I could not
get out of that darkness. I could not I couldn't
leverage it. I couldn't think my way out of it,
I couldn't act my way out of it. It was

(07:22):
really truly the depths, a dark night of the soul.
And I was in a relationship that was also very dramatic,
and so it was that's what happens when two people
are in their their cups, and it was, you know,
just really hard to see your way out of. And then,
like I said, this window of grace open. I don't
know why it was just my time. I don't know

(07:44):
if it was because I had some loopholes that I
had built up in some karmic you know, bank currency.
But it was my time to walk into a new
lifestyle and someone a way shower showed me the way
this is. Try this for me. It was a program.

(08:04):
It was a new blueprint that I could work off of,
and I didn't have a blueprint. I felt like I
was doing the best I could with the tools I had,
which I was using adult tools, and I was using
a hammer instead of a screwdriver, and I was I
had really no tools. My best thinking got me to
that place in my life, and I thought it was

(08:26):
about all the outside things, And boy did I do that.
I got all the all the people, places and things,
and it still couldn't save me from myself.

Speaker 2 (08:36):
God isn't that I was a thing?

Speaker 4 (08:37):
Though? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (08:38):
We always that's the goal of I feel like what
society preaches us that or teaches us that life should
be is like get the things, get the relationship, get
the money, get the status, get whatever it is that
looks pretty on the outside. But just like what you
were saying earlier, like if the inside doesn't match, you're
gonna have a problem.

Speaker 4 (08:57):
You're gonna blow it up, blow You're gonna feel in worthy, yes,
And I thought that it was in mother ing. I
thought it was in wifing, and I thought it was
in red carpeting, and I thought it was in all
these other places that we hold up. But truly, I
was looking for that relationship with myself. And I know
that sounds corny, but I wanted that feeling of connection

(09:20):
and I didn't know I've been misled to believe. And
I bought it. Yeah, Yeah, it was out there and
I could just grab onto it. And so I was
this greedy, hungry, piggy little girl who was pretending to
be an adult and just more more more, I was insatiable.

(09:41):
And you really push up against the wall fast when
you do that. And I'm so glad that my descent
was swift and it was quick, and it was public
and it was it really was like this isn't working. Yeah,
And so I know there's another window grass. The timing
it was, it was a short and tense period of time,

(10:01):
and I'm so glad that I crawled through that window
of grace. And I do want to say, like I
look back on that version of me that almost nine
twenty years ago, I guess nineteen years ago, and I like,
I love that girl. I love her desperateness, I love
all of her. I love her scrappiness, I love her grasping.

(10:24):
You know, I've folded her into who I am, and
it's I teach from that place of knowing her intimately,
just like we talk a lot about the inner child,
and we talk a lot about the subconscious. We talk
all these aspects of who we are, and this is
an aspect of who I am. And I'm not running
from her. You know. In my early days of recovery,
it was like trying to put as much space between

(10:46):
her as possible.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
We all had that.

Speaker 4 (10:51):
I want nothing to do with her. Yeah, ahole, she
wants to destroy everything. And that was probably true, so
that running. But then you stop and you're like, oh Jesus,
she's still in there, and that's still that voice. It's
like more more, please? Can I have more? Like it's
and I know it's her and so and she's dear
and sweet and all those good things, and so I
have her under you know, I just she just folds

(11:11):
into who I am, you know. But I'm so grateful
that I've had that experience. I'm so grateful that I
burned everything to the ground that way. I mean, I
didn't do that on purpose, but that's what happened, and
from there I could build something else that was solid. Yeah,
truly was meaningful. And then in turn, you know, for

(11:32):
the rest of my life, what I'm doing one day
at a time is really just turning around and offering
that back up to someone else. You know, in the
beginning I worked with women, was only women, and I
still mostly gravitate to women in my practice. And but
what a gift, what an honor. Truly, I've said that
a few times, but it's true. It really is like
what could be? And part of why I burnt out

(11:54):
because I was looking for purpose and I couldn't find it,
and I couldn't find my purpose. And I knew I
had this grand purpose and I'm I'm fully in it now.
But it's so fantastic that purpose came through that dark
night of this whole.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:09):
I love referring to it as a window of grace
that you walked through like that, because again that takes
away I think when something is painful, my brain immediately
wants to deem it as bad, and it's like, no,
it's uncomfortable, But all the emotions in this world are
actually for a purpose, I believe, and it's just like,

(12:32):
what is it bringing to your attention? And like your
work now, I mean you're the spiritual life coach and
you know, relationship expert, and like you were saying earlier,
if I'm going to someone and I'm like they're saying
to me, hey, it's going to be okay, I want
to know that they walked through that first and they're okay.
Like to see someone else and go, I want what

(12:53):
she has because I know she's been down here too.
To me, that speaks volumes like that is the thing
that draws me in every time. So I want to
talk a little bit about relationships because something else you
touched on was just the relationship with ourselves and a
love where you're mentioning the part about in all of
the stuff, like you were looking outside of yourself for

(13:14):
all the things. And yes it could sound cheesy for
us to say, like but always it was within myself,
but it is the truth.

Speaker 4 (13:22):
The Wizard of Oz had it right.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
Yes, So how important you know if I'm having you
put on your relationship hat here a little bit because
I want to talk through some of the stuff that
you work with people on. How important would you say
the relationship to ourselves is to our relationship with others?

Speaker 4 (13:41):
Oh, it's everything. It dictates the quality of our relationships.
I mean, how do you feel about yourself? Is what
you're calling in. And that's not just say that. I
haven't had angels show up on my timeline of human
beings who loved me because I couldn't love myself yet,
so that has happened also, that's also true, okay, But
I do feel like our perception of what we're worthy

(14:02):
of and the degree to which we allow love in
and we allow love to flow out, it is certainly
dictated by the inner stability that we have. So you know,
we can be someone who gives out a lot, so
you know that flow can be imbalanced because we're seeking

(14:23):
love through someone else by our giving, and it's really
holding and trying to control and manage that relationship. But
when you don't have to do that anymore, can you
imagine the freedom and you really just trust everyone's coming
and going. Like I have four kids, there are all
different stages of growth. They're coming and going. You know,
a relationship I'm married now, I deeply trust our relationships

(14:48):
move and how they're organic. That's not to say I'm
not going to fight like hell and I'm not going
to work my hardest to be my best within that,
but I also just trust the ebb and flow of things,
so I'm not holding tight to anything. That's what it
feels like, and it feels like fucking freedom is what
it feels like. Because I can tell you that there
were a few relationships in the span of my in

(15:09):
between my marriages where I was working this out, and
those were my greatest teachers, those relationships that have in
the dating period of time, because I wasn't ready for
my relationship with my husband that I have. Now E've
been there fifteen years, and longevity is not a gauge
of success. So I just want to say that we've
all known couples that have been together two decades and

(15:29):
you're like, it's time, Yes, Arage, this is a ship show. Yeah,
So it's not about who stays together the longest, twins.
I think it's about who's using tools okay within the
partnership and like putting the lens back on yourself within
partnership because we're mirroring to each other all the time.
And that's when it gets really interesting. So when you're

(15:50):
seeing yourself focusing on their behaviors, what they're doing, what
they're thinking, what they're saying. If I could just get
them to do this, you've lost the plot right not
to say that we can't share any and once when
you do this, I feel this like we want to
stand up for ourselves. We want to set boundaries with
behavior and things like that. And obviously, if you're in
a you know, relationship that's not feeding you and sustaining
you in some way, the fuck out, you know it's

(16:12):
time to leave. I don't even know if we can
swear here, but I'm in, yes, okay, thank you. It's
time to leave, right if it's not working and you've
and the person is not hearing you listening all those
other things, and you may be pulled in the third party,
or there's behaviors that are unacceptable. I have to say that,
just as like Caviat like stop working, you're working too hard.

(16:33):
It's not going to happen because we can only do
so much and everyone gets to be how they want
to be, but we get to decide who we want
to be in relation to that insanity or not right.
So there's that. But I think going back to those relationships,
I was in these emotionally unavailable relationships and I look
like the like the most amazing person in those partnerships
because I was like, I'm so loving, I'm just holding

(16:55):
space for you whenever you're ready step into this level
and they're like running away and there you know, it's
like I look like the hero. But really what shifted
it when I realized is how am I emotionally unavailable
to myself? How am I afraid to show up in
partnership fully? Because I keep calling in these people. And

(17:15):
that's when you get talking about the subconscious. We call
in where we need to heal. We call in the
partner that helps us to heal that part of ourselves
that's still in shadow. This sounds like a lot of
gobblety goop, but I can tell you that boots on
the ground. When you get that, you're like, oh my god,
not them, is me. It's totally me, And I'm creating
all of this, yes, so that I can heal. We're

(17:36):
like this incredible self healing mechanism, and our subconscious is
like managing. You could call it the higher self. You
could call the subconscious. You know, the subconscious gets a
lot of a bad rap, and it's truly moving us
into alignment when we start paying attention. So those compulsive behaviors,
those patterning, it's about where are the places where you

(17:58):
haven't shown the spotlight yet? It's you, sister, like it's
you calling this in to highlight. Yet again there's a
place here that needs some attention. And so again you're
in this deep partnership with yourself where you realize that
you're not You think it's the guy. You think it's
about getting married, you think, what's having all these other
externals that you mentioned before, But it's really about creating

(18:20):
these contexts to keep knowing you, to keep expressing more love.
And I this mentor that would say to me, how
much more can you love yourself right now? With the
shit that's going on? And there was always that question,
and that would like laser into the story that I
was telling myself or that narrative, and I'd be like, oh, yeah,
how much more love can I grive to myself? And
that would look different at each time. What do I need?

(18:41):
That's a novel thing to ask, what do I need
right now?

Speaker 1 (18:45):
Isn't that crazy? That that is the like sometimes the
last thing that would ever come to my brain.

Speaker 4 (18:49):
Total to think about, right, because we're reparenting, right, and
that's like, what do you need? You'd say that to
your choe, What do you need right now? It's going
on for you, right because here really set like speaking
to yourself in that way. No one's going to do
that work. There is no rescue party, no one, no therapist,
like it's this is when it's just you and your mind,

(19:11):
you and your willingness and to get curious, what do
you need right now? How can I show up for you?
And it sounds selfish because it's me and me me,
But ultimately, if you can't show up and you're not
giving from overflow, if you're not asking those questions right
and tending and tending to that, you know, and asking,

(19:31):
listening for the answers and then tending to it, yeah.

Speaker 2 (19:35):
It's interesting.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
The mirroring piece of relationships is something that I've it's
just been brought into my awareness this past year where
I really got it, like I've heard it, but I
couldn't quite grasp.

Speaker 2 (19:46):
What that meant.

Speaker 1 (19:47):
And so it's interesting now though, because it kind of
is like you can't actually just bitch about your ex
or whatever, like oh, he's such an asshole, because it's like, yeah,
but you still brought him in, so like what was
that like? But just having to take that responsibility in
and of itself, it kind of takes away the like
it's not glamorous to bitch about our excess, but like

(20:09):
you have to face yourself too, and that, to me
is such an interesting switch. Like I've started dating now
again after a year off, and it's so interesting going
in with that mentality of like why the people that
are coming in are coming in and also just looking
at I love that you mentioned the part about how unavailable.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
We are to ourselves, Like if.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
You're bringing in an unavailable partner, there's a part of
you that's unavailable too. And I just couldn't get that
for a long time because as you have described, like
I was a giver and you know, like I thought
I was showing up so much in relationship, but I
wasn't showing up for me at all, Like it was
all looking.

Speaker 2 (20:51):
For it outside.

Speaker 1 (20:52):
Can you talk a little bit about that, like how
do we show up for ourselves more?

Speaker 4 (20:58):
I love everything you just said I think that's beautifully said.
I don't know thank you to add to that. It's
a process, it's just yeah. I think the first thing
is that paradigm shift of it's me, okay, it's me
showing up in all these partnerships, these things getting reflected back,
and then taking it one step further than that, it's

(21:19):
why is this here for me? What is this here
to show me? So it's that curiosity and then just
sticking with it. You know, it's not going to happen overnight,
but I think a lot of times, and here's the
therapy portion of it. We're working out our primary caregivers.
It's not sexy. It's not sexy covered right, it is not.

(21:41):
It's all projection, So what part needs healing? And once
you close those loops, then you start feeling attracted to
different types and so this like I never I don't
trust the when the sees part and you see someone
across the room, No, that's just your subconscious and they're
subconscious to just I mean, there are twin flames and

(22:01):
soul you know, soulmates and things like that, but let's
keep it super real. It's rare. Twin flames are rare.
It's become this like it means that two souls are split.
It's just it's not. It's not. And we've just made
it like it's not give as much win flame. Yeah,
it's not. And I don't actually subscribe to that.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
You complete me, Oh god, now to me that they're
the unhealthiest mentality.

Speaker 4 (22:25):
Oh my god. You can feel that feeling when you're
aligned with someone, and but it's like two holes come
together and you know, And so I think we're really
we're really pushing against programming because the matrix that we
live in is all about that. You know, it's all
about I'm lost and then you found me and then

(22:47):
you know, and this trauma and the real housewives of
it all. It looks like this, and women relate to
each other this way, and relationships not a relationship until
there's like ship flying, and like that's just when you
start to shift the frequency of that, of just being
able to sit in silence with someone, of just being
able to be to really delight in who you are

(23:09):
when you're with someone, and noticing how you feel and
how you feel more whole within yourself when you're wisdom,
Like those are things like you can start breathing life
into that's when you know you're onto something good.

Speaker 1 (23:27):
Yeah, how do we Like you've talked a lot about
the subconscious, and I know that's a lot. I mean
that's what hypnosis is really addressing, right, I mean your
work with it.

Speaker 4 (23:37):
It's one modality.

Speaker 5 (23:38):
Yeah, okay, So can you what I think I've heard
you say in another interview that something in the ninety
like ninety five percent of our thoughts are coming from
our subconscious?

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Is that right?

Speaker 4 (23:53):
Like ninety five percent? Peel say ninety or ninety five,
But yeah, it's in that.

Speaker 1 (23:57):
I mean that is the majority of our thought yeah,
or just walking around completely unaware?

Speaker 2 (24:03):
Is that? Okay?

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Can you explain this to me? Because I just don't,
Like I'm starting to get it. And then the more
I'm addressing the like the mirroring and what I'm bringing in,
like it is clicking.

Speaker 2 (24:14):
But how do we know? Like how can we trust ourselves?

Speaker 5 (24:17):
Then?

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Because it's like, what part is this old programming that
I'm that's driving the bus of my life? And then
what is actually where I need to be and like
I'm in alignment with myself?

Speaker 2 (24:29):
Like how do we know?

Speaker 4 (24:32):
This is a great question. I think when you have
repetitive thoughts and patterning, and it's safe to say that
that's the subconscious.

Speaker 2 (24:43):
Okay, that's like rerouting thing.

Speaker 4 (24:45):
That is just so just noticing that, Like where what
are phrases that you say to yourself? Is what I'll
work when I'm working with a client, I'll be like,
what are repetitive phrases for you? What are beliefs that
you have that you like? It's usually stuff you picked
up childhood. I mean, we are in this and this
is the part where I'm going to explain the different

(25:06):
brainwave activities. Yeah, it's the science part of this and
it's not just bear with me. So we're in this
beta state right now. It's really about output. So the
brain's moving really quickly and these beta waves. Below that's alpha,
which is kind of when we space out when we
drive from A to B and we don't remember how
we got there. We're kind of in alpha. Most times
when we go into meditation, we're in alpha. Below that's

(25:28):
theta data is the magic state where the subconscious is
in play. And then below that is delta. So the
brainwave activity just gets slower and slower and slower. Yeah,
so when you go to sleep at night, you're in
delta delta sleep. Theta is what we drop into when
we do hypnosis. So a great hypnotherapist will drop you
into that Theta state, and from there they will upload

(25:53):
these new ideas you have around something, okay, like I
can attract abundance, that I am in flow, that I
love myself, that I can release this harmful way of
coping smoking addictions. Like this is where they'll drop you
into the magic data state and this in the brain
way of activity state that is receptive to new ideas.

(26:14):
So context from the ages of zero to seven, we're
in theta. Oh so yep, we're little sponges. We're just
walking around in data state, and after seven we pop out.
Then we're going through these different bringway back to you states.
You can imagine. It makes sense. You land in a
human body, your soul, and you're like, what do I

(26:35):
need to notice? You ve m right? So you're picking up,
picking up, and you're reading what love is, what success is,
what safety feels like, what abundance feels like?

Speaker 1 (26:48):
Just rocked my world. Sorry, that's from zero to seven.
That just makes my whole life makes sense.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
Okay, Oh, it goes my life.

Speaker 4 (26:55):
So anything you've picked up from your parents about ideas
around money and love and stability and security and sense
of self would have been through those times. So it's
really easy to if you can go back to what
your parents said during those times and remembering phrases money
doesn't run, treats whatever. Those those little phrases, those are

(27:16):
the things that are running your life under there. Those
have been put into the database. That's your hard drive.
It's been wired now. And that's why people feel this helplessness,
this this powerlessness sometimes around their best thinking, their conscious
mind that says, I want this to be different, but
then the subconscious keeps rerouting to that true north of
what it's what's in the hard drive.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah, that makes it frustrating, sense, Yeah, it is frustrating.
But my friends are getting frustrated with me because, like
when I talk about this dating stuff, you know, one
of the narratives amongst my friend grade. But I think
this is a lot of women in general, is there
are no good men out there, Like I don't know
if you've heard you know, And yeah, and I've lived
that way. It's been probably my last decade living in

(27:59):
that menta. And what do you know, all I brought
in were men who validated that narrative, you know, over
and over, and I.

Speaker 2 (28:07):
Was just like, see, there it is. It's like, but of.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Course our brains are amazing and that they will keep
doing that. So if we believe that, then yes, we're
going to pull something in that makes that true. And
so what I've been trying to say is it's kind
of what you were saying about the abundance place Like
I come from a place of abundance, Like love is abundant.
There is no scarcity like amount of love in this world,

(28:31):
you know, like there are amazing there's multiple relationships for me,
and like whatever I'm supposed to be in right now
is here to teach me something. And like that shift
has completely changed dating for me, like completely, and it's
taken away so much of that power go ahead so much.

Speaker 4 (28:50):
Yeah, I know, I was gonna say, quick life hack.
If someone says something like that and you can feel
that it has torque to it, yeah say cancel cancel cancer.

Speaker 2 (29:00):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (29:02):
So my brain doesn't say, yeah, cancel cancel cancer, though, okay,
And then you can affirm something to yourself, say my
person is making their way to me and I'm making
my way to them.

Speaker 2 (29:12):
Yeah, and I can't wait.

Speaker 4 (29:14):
The subconscious loves expectation, loves hope. So you can say
I can't wait to meet my person. Yeah, I can't
wait to step into this flow of love that's on
its way to me. Things like that, find your phrasing,
that that's true to you, because the things that I
would say to myself because I was dating in Los Angeles,
which is a really small pool, and it's all about age.

(29:36):
Oh yeah, position, you know all those things, status, youth,
Yeah said age. Yeah, I can't. I can't say that enough.
And I had, you know, I was just people would
say to me, you have two kids and you're thirty.
I was such a baby. I was like thirty thirty
years old.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
Just to tell you now empty.

Speaker 4 (29:58):
So yeah, I think those things are just these are
little ways to disengage from these beliefs that keep getting perpetuated,
you know, and there is enough and we find each
other and there's a lid for every pot. So I
won't used to say that to you, but I love that.
And so you know, if your person isn't showing up
just saying he's getting ready for me, they're getting ready

(30:19):
for me. I'm getting ready for them, they're getting ready
for me. You know, we're not ready yet. Yeah, and so,
and this is a beautiful thing because it's like I
can have fun in between. I don't need to do shit.
All I have to do is just keep focusing on
my own healing, getting curious about where I'm at, trying
to close loops, noticing patterning, just gently softly. We can't

(30:40):
catch sixty thousand thoughts, but we can notice a mood
that we have, a feeling that we have. Oh what
was I just thinking that created this thought and mood? Yeah,
and then backtracking and say is that true? Yeah, and
just parceling through. And I can tell you that that
work is so precious, it is so dear, and you
can have people like the path. I've had so many

(31:00):
great mentors littering my path along the way, and I've
had a lot of very fortunate that way. But when
it comes to this again and again, it's about this
work that you do with yourself, this gentle, loving lens
that you keep bringing to everything and repatterning the subconscious.
You don't have to change it and shift it and

(31:21):
like you know, away from the eye, like you don't
do that. It's just gentle, it's just loving. And so
I just want to go back to one more. I
like to put tools in people's hands. When you go
to sleep at night, when you're going through these states
that I talked about, from beta, alpha, theta into delta sleep,
that is the time to repeat those affirmations. That is

(31:43):
the time to program. You don't need a subconscious specialist.
I'm giving you these these little tools now. When you're
going to sleep, that is the time to say your affirmations.
That is the time to reprogram your own subconscious mind,
because only you can really do that. The degree all
hypnosis is self hypnosis the degree that you allow it.
You know, people think, you yeah, talk.

Speaker 2 (32:04):
About that, What do you mean. It's the degree we
allow it.

Speaker 4 (32:07):
Because I'll have clients comming, it's to the degree that
they allow themselves to drop into it's their suggestibility. It's
the degree to which they allow themselves to drop into
that data state. So I can navigate, and I have
different ways of doing that. I have different powder techniques,
whatever that is that I learned and that you know
I use, And I also have the tool of my

(32:28):
voice and those sorts of things but at the end
of the day, it's the degree to which someone is
willing mhm. And so you are your own best healer.
You can use be deliberate and conscious and mindful about
when you want to drop into this data state, and
you can do it through breath. You can do it
through intention. You are taking three deep breaths and then

(32:50):
just counting from ten down to one in your waking state,
that will drop you into alpha data and then from
there to your affirmations. From there set your intentions. But
the most part in times when you're falling asleep, because
you definitely have to move through that state to get
into sleep. So instead what we do is our head
hits the pillow and we're like worrying thinking about the
day tomorrow, how the day didn't go well. So I

(33:12):
would say keep a little journal next to your bed,
write out all their thoughts, get them all out, just
let them just find their way out on paper. And
then you talked about gratitude at the top of this
and the theme, So I would write ten gratitudes, okay,
upledge your frequency up, level your frequency right, ten things
you're grateful for for the day, and then then you're

(33:34):
really setting the tone for the subconscious as you're going
to sleep into that theta you're in that frequency of good,
that frequency of abundance, because that's what gratitude is. Yeah,
and so then you're going to sleep with that top
of mind.

Speaker 2 (33:46):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
I love that you said that the subconscious loves hope,
because I mean, that actually makes so much sense to me.
But I do think specifically we're keeping on the dating topic,
like that is one of the hard parts of dating.
You get excited and then it doesn't work out, and
I think that we're so conditioned to again think that's
a failure or like why why am I not meeting

(34:08):
this person or whatever. And one of the things that's
really helped me lately is doing exactly what you're saying,
Like it's just like if something happens and it doesn't
work out, and like the universe is protecting me, like
rejection is your biggest protection, you know, kind of thing,
and like and also is what am I feeling right now?
A lot of times I'm just lonely and it's like, okay,

(34:30):
but I'm again not talking to myself. I'm having I
have no connection to myself, and most of the time
I can satisfy that pretty quickly if I actually just
even address like, oh, I'm sorry you're lonely. It's like
no one else is really going to fully be able
to give me that ever. I mean, I've been in
relationships and felt that, so I know that to be true.

(34:51):
But why does this subconscious like hope, can you tell
me a little bit more about that?

Speaker 4 (34:56):
Because it's always calculating, it's trying to you know, it's
it's trying to it's rerouting to keep you safe. It
really runs the autonomic nervous system. So that's the technical piece,
and so it's fight and flight, you know, fear is
all of those things. So yeah, it's always scanning, it's
always looking and so when we usually were like thinking

(35:18):
fearful thoughts like this isn't you know if I do this?
And so it's how it can manage, you know, when
you're trying to get out ahead of something, you can
think the worst so that you can keep your expectations
that way. So inside it doing that by just constantly
like you're doing. I love how you're reframing and just
saying rejection is God's protection or the universe is protection? Right,

(35:41):
and you're just trusting that it's always rerouting for you.
I think the subconscious wants to please us. It wants,
you know, if it had its own quality to it.
It's trying to be faithful based on programming, and so
it really is, you know, I know, it's very moved.
It really is of how we are, this self healing mechanism,

(36:03):
and it's all working for us to move us into
alignment to heal. And so let's just keep feeding it
and nurturing it and giving it things that to chew
on that are actually beneficial other than letting it be Unfortunately,
word is unconscious and it's just a runaway train being
led by the senses. And then that's where you pick
up bad habits. And see the about nail biting. Let's

(36:24):
use that like someone somehow someone put their finger.

Speaker 2 (36:27):
In their mouth.

Speaker 4 (36:27):
They felt a little nail between their teeth. They've heard
that click, and they felt this release of stress, and
so the subconscious took note of that. The subconscious took
note of that that first time and said, oh wow,
this works.

Speaker 2 (36:43):
For her, Oh my god.

Speaker 4 (36:45):
And then you find yourself putting your fingers in your
own and overrides the conscious mind you see. So then
you're doing that and you want you're chasing that first
feeling of relief. That's what happens with the drinker they
had that first drink. Yeah, that's why it's housed in
the subconscient Yeah, because it the same thing you took
that first drink. You felt that click, that click, And

(37:06):
so people always say, I'm chase was chasing that first
drunk that first time where I felt that buzz. And
it's just like it never is going to be as
good as that first time ever. Right, It's like this
exercise in futility in the bottom keeps dropping lower and lower.
It really is this this insane chase for that first
buzz that happened, and the subconscious had recorded that, and

(37:28):
so it's like this is good for her, yeae. It
wants to please you. So we just want to keep
uploading more positive experiences. And so when good things happen,
say this is good, YEA, take note of this. This
is good when you have a moment of love with someone,
maybe you've had an intimate moment with them, or maybe
just say more of this, please, more of this. Please.
You are such a master creator, you Kelly. Everybody listening,

(37:51):
like know your power, step into your power. My God,
stop outsourcing it. You're an incredible mechanism. It's all available
to you. You just pick up more tools to manage.
That's all that's really. It's about self soothing. And I
teach a class here at Sagent Sound called the Tools,
and it's an express class, and I love that because
I just want to put tools in people's hands. So

(38:12):
not everybode wants to sit in a breathwork class or
meditation will offer all those things sound experiences, but just
give me tools in my hands so I can figure
out ways to self regulate, because that's everything. When I
can do that, then I have some I have a
shot at self mastery. And if you don't know, it's
going to be in the bottom of a bottle. It's
going to be whatever medicator, whatever it is, the Netflix

(38:36):
and chill, whatever that's right. You're going to keep looking
there because it's worked at one time, but it's probably
outgrown it and you're ready for more, but it keeps
rerouting to that. So gaining more tools is really where
it's at, and they're going to change what worked before
it doesn't work today. You sitting and doing this meditation.
You know, it's on you. Keep showing up, keep doing

(38:58):
that excitement around how you self soothe.

Speaker 1 (39:05):
I love just even hearing that about self soothing, because
like you and I have the recovery piece in common.
And so when I first started recovery, I remember being like, god,
I just because I was thirty, and I felt like
just the fuck up kind of you know, like everyone
else had it kind of figured out, and why wasn't
anyone else's life falling apart? Why was mine falling apart?

(39:26):
And it was a very like I guess that's a
victim mentality, but it's also like just it felt so
heavy and like, oh why me? And since I've done
it for so long now, it's sort of like, oh,
recovery is just a tool of mine. Like it's just
like the steps give me something tangible to do when
I'm in these you know, really intense periods of my
life or hardships or whatever it is. And I always

(39:49):
say to people, I wish everyone had a program and
not because like I'm just you know, thinking like everyone
has to be in twelve Step, But it's just really
great tools for life. And so I love that you're
offering that at Sage and Sound, can you tell us
a little bit just about sage and sound in general?
And then what else people could find?

Speaker 4 (40:08):
I will I just want to piggyback on that because
I have another class that I just okay called the
Spirituality of the Twelve Steps. Okay, So it's distilling just
the essence of each step and how anyone because I've
heard the same thing you've heard. God, I wish I
had a problem like no, you don't.

Speaker 2 (40:24):
Right, trust, but yes, but.

Speaker 4 (40:30):
It is an incredible blueprint. And so what is the
essence of each one? How are you? How can you
admit powerlessness and unmanageability in how you show up in
your life on where you're like less hustle, more flow,
you know, and then what's your relationship to higher power?
How can you tune your will in life over to it?
So it's just like this gentle look at sort of

(40:52):
what we've all benefited from and we've built our life
from the ashes back with Yeah, and so so that
was that's been like a particular joy to create classes
around that. But the study is such a beautiful space
within sage and Sound. It's really the heartest agent sound.
This isn't an Upper east Side five thousand square foot

(41:13):
space and closed during the pandemic. Yeah, so much closed,
and we've been missing community. I mean, my practice I
had was doing workshops and one on one all over
the world, and people showed up during that period of
time just feeling so destabilized and really wanting to learn
how to anchor into themselves. So I've been doing that
on Zoom off my farm in Pennsylvania. And so this

(41:35):
opportunity came to join these two friends that were Upper
East Siders that kept having to go downtown to get
their acupuncture, all their treatments, their non toxic manipetti, all
those different things, and they wanted to create a space
where they could have a meditation and breath work and
sound and then these classes. And so as programming director,

(41:56):
it's been such a joy and a dream to think
about where can we meet people right where they are
on their journey. Someone who doesn't want to show up
for meditation or breath might want to show up and
do a mindful writing class to learn how to drop
into themselves, to learn how to just be with themselves.
Like what could that look and feel like? We have
a class on practical mysticism. Again, we keep going to

(42:19):
clairvoyance or other people to pull our taro. How about
you learning how to read your own sun sign? How
about you learning how to pull your own cards? You know.
So we have this incredible astrologer who's like thirty five
years and written books, and so she teaches a class
here as well. And then we have all kinds of
life coaches and authors teaching about how to manifest abundance,
how to heal relationships. You have a men's class because

(42:41):
this space is really saturated with women, yeah a lot
of times, so we had to create men to have
their own space to do that. And he's incredible. And
then we just have these sound practitioners that honestly just
came off of tours with Oprah. We have two of them.
One is Breath and one Glis Prattley and the other
one is Jackie Campwell and she was on all the

(43:03):
sound this sound tour with her and now she's actually
going to do a sound experience this evening, which I'm
going to benefit from.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
Amazing, I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
What do you find the benefit of sound, Because I
I've done a million sound baths and for me it is.
My entire body feels like it shifts the energy just completely,
like the vibration, Like I feel my.

Speaker 2 (43:25):
Entire body vibrate.

Speaker 1 (43:26):
Can you come talk people through that, because I don't
know that a lot of my listeners are even aware
of the healing parts of sound.

Speaker 4 (43:34):
Well, everything is vibrating, everything is energy all around us.
It's like just we talked about gratitudes. A frequency. Sound
is a frequency and it really cuts through noise in
the mind and the body, and we're just very sensitive
to it. And so to listen to sound in that way,

(43:55):
it's almost like just an immersion, and it can really
drop a resistant like someone who can't sit for meditation necessarily,
he has a lot of thoughts. It really can carry
them on this ocean of experience quiet stillness. It can
really laser thrive. And a lot of resistant clients who
don't want to meditate and sit in that like my

(44:17):
mind's just too busy, but they can avail themselves to
sound and the frequency of sound. And we offer different practitioners.
So some of them do more Tibetan bowls and that's
a different sound with gongs, and some of them do
more crystal bowls and that's a different experience. And then
some of them we have laying down, so it's more about,
you know, being in shabasana after yoga class when you

(44:39):
just leay there and you just allow that. And so
we have a different practitioner on Sundays that offers more
to enliven, more to align, more to set intentions. So
it's using sound in different ways, and so it's less
of a sound bath and it's more of a sound meditation.

Speaker 2 (44:57):
Oh I like that difference.

Speaker 4 (44:59):
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
If you're listening and you're like okay, y'all, okay, sound
and soundbles and all this stuff don't not get so
you try it. Go try answer, Go try it, go
try it. So sage and Sound is in New York.
If you guys are up there visiting, where else can
people find you?

Speaker 4 (45:13):
Though?

Speaker 1 (45:13):
If they aren't in New York and they maybe want
to work with you privately, do you still do the
zoom sessions?

Speaker 4 (45:19):
Not as much anymore. I'm really here. My focus has
been here a year, been helping to build this and
it's just so beautiful to come back into community again.
And that's what I was saying. It's like all these
things have been happening online, and there's nothing like the
energy of being in a room of like minded people.
When you know that from meetings, you know that from
it's just different. It feels different. And to hear other
people share about where they're at, you even working in

(45:42):
vacuums like online and or with their theravists and our
coaches and oh yeah, and it's something that's so cracking
to have that community again. So that's what I'm really
focused on and building that here. But I write a
lot still on my Instagram page and that's at Ryan
dot had, So that's I'm just using that as a
place where I express thoughts and feelings and things that

(46:04):
are going on and things that I'm working with in
the space.

Speaker 1 (46:07):
And yeah, so a lot of healing tools there. You
guys can follow her there. I'll put her Instagram handle
in the description of this podcast. And also just the
Stage and Sound website and your personal website is really
great as well, just telling your story and things like that.
Of course, thank you so much. This was such a
delight for me this afternoon.

Speaker 4 (46:28):
Yeah, it was thank you, of course.

Speaker 1 (46:31):
Thank you guys so much for listening, and thank you
Ryan for being here.

Speaker 3 (46:34):
Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,
where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a
little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty
and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.
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