Narwal Cake

This week Beth makes it clear that she doesn’t want to be on your reality show, Peter isn’t so sure, Maeven turns 4 and Bryn destroys a cake.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
I got welcome, it's parenting. I'm Peter McNerney and I'm
thought Noel. We're tired. We're yeah, we're all quarantined out
like the rest of you. We're tired physically, existentially, parentingly

(00:34):
Parentingle really proud of not meaning exploding at my children tonight.
I was on the verge. I kind of exploded at
them today, not like I was just more um vocal
than usual. But I don't think I got as worked
up as I have in the past. Yeah, I had
had a fine day until bedtime, and uh, I felt

(00:59):
ray Mayven. Maven was really full Maven today they were
both being so difficult, like she's she's just so contrary,
and I like, there's so many days now. So like
for people listeners who are not aware of our schedule, Um,
we are in quarantine. And I tend to work in

(01:21):
the mornings while you do school at the kids, and
then in the afternoon I deal with them while you
do work, and so you know, depending on the day,
by the time I get to them, it's like I'm like, Okay,
maybe I can get them outside blah blah blah. But
sometimes it's just like I'll mention going outside and I'll
be saying it for like a full hour or something,

(01:42):
and I just have to sort of, like early on,
try to figure out which way the wind is blowing
so that I can give up in time before I
lose my mind, you know, Like Mayven went up they
both wanted to go to the beach, and then they
weren't getting their shoes on. And finally, by the way,
this is a very out of the way, not public beach,
no one's around. We're not going to the beach. Yeah,

(02:04):
but we're going to walk down to the beach and
just walk along the beach and so and it's like
one of the few things we can do right now.
So it's like, let's get out of the house and
go to the beach. And when once they're there, they
love it there and they relax and it's good, but
getting them outside is a problem. So Mayven today, she
finally goes upstairs to get dressed and then decides that

(02:25):
she wants to wear a bathing suit, which is not
appropriate because it's like fifty five degrees outside, and she
refused to put any clothes over it. So then I
was just like, well, this isn't happening today. We're like,
we're done, but she I came out later to see
that she was still insistent I'm going to the beach.
I was like, okay, great, I'll take you, and she

(02:45):
was going to bed at eight pm with her bathing
suits still on. She was like, we never got to
go to the beach. Like, listen to us. Yeah, she's
I had a real victory, which is we were both
up there and we both remain calm. I was about
to blow up. I was really appreciative you were there

(03:06):
because we'd always threatened Maven with me. Well, I could
just tell by the way that this day has been going.
There both being really bad at the same time, and
I was like, there's no way you're going to survive
this in time for us to record this podcast unless
we tag team this a little bit. Yeah. I was
about to literally grab both of them. Yeah, I could

(03:30):
feel it. I was like, this is things were getting tense.
I got up there though, and maybe I just ignored
her enough that she every time I do like this book.
Maybe she's been doing a lot of brooding today. Evil
does eyes squint at us. No one can look at
you out of the tops of her eyes with more

(03:53):
fire and disdain. I talked to you. I think I
told you I talked to this like in suitive woman
a couple weeks ago. I was like doing a session
with her, and she kept saying things about maybe and
that were so true. And she was like she's she's
got fire and ice. It's like yeah, yeah. I was like,

(04:15):
that's her. Well, you know how I finally got her
because I put her in bed and then she was
like kicking the blanket off and I'm like, I can't
leave because she can't get this blanket, big heavy blanket
back up, so she's gonna like we'll have to come
back up eventually. So I was like, okay, how do
I get out of here with the blankets still on her?
And I did it with tickle spiders? Good work, I

(04:39):
said later down, I go, all right, mabe, I know
you've had a red day. Just before I go, just
be very careful because last time I was in here
that I saw this bed was full of tickle spiders.
She goes, and I go, there's one right behind you.
And then I tickle her and then I pretend to
grab it with my other hand and then I squash
it up. I go tickle spider and then I eat it,

(05:02):
and then I act like it's the most disgusting thing
I've ever eaten. And then I get mad at her
and I go, don't make me eat anymore tickle spiders.
And then she started giggling, and I knew I had her,
and so I was sort of tickle torturing her. But
then I grabbed them and pretend like I was getting hurt,
and I think it balanced it, and then bring out
and we all started screaming, and then they started going,

(05:23):
there's a tickle spider on your butt. So I got
a lot of exercise up there, and I eventually slammed
the door by saying, when I come back, you better
have eaten all these tickle spiders. I am not happy,
and I shut the door and they were laughing hysterically,
and I ran down sound upstairs less angry than I
was when I went up. That's good. He turned it around.

(05:45):
Turned it around. It does not always work, and it
won't work next time I got. I got so mad
it for him today because I was trying to distract
him from being horrible as usual, and I was trying
to get I was like, oh, he can read this
rest to pea for me while I'm making it, and
I was like trying to get him to do that,
and so he kept standing in front of my computer

(06:06):
like reading it. But then as soon as I would
walk away to get the ingredients, he would open up
another tab to try to look at YouTube videos. I
can't leave alone with the computer front, just like, I'm like,
you this, you're not allowed to use computers. You're just
so bad, Like he's just so's. I was like, never mind,
this is that, this is never happening again. Uh, screens,

(06:30):
screens we need Yeah, we need to print out recipes
or something. He's just so. I was like, it seems
like a good way to get him reading, like he
doesn't like reading for school as much as he does.
If it's like a game, Yeah, he's obsessed with twenty

(06:51):
Questions to the point where we're all hate this game,
but so is he likes to play with his Nana
on the phone own in real life. And then finally
I said, final, I'll put twenty Questions with you whenever
you want, but you have to submit your questions in writing.
And he's done more writing through this game than you
will any other time. Well, he was okay, so he

(07:13):
was playing with my mom and she had to write
the questions on the game, and so he just had
to hit like yes, no or sometimes, and he he
was his thing was the cat, and he had my
mom asked like if it climbed trees and he hit no,
and I was like, well, sometimes it does. So then
he was trying to like type out a text message

(07:35):
to my mom's and it took him so long, and
it was so funny to watch. He was like sometimes
he's like, how do you Like he'd be like, how
do you say? How do you spell climbs? He texted
sometimes it climbs trees. And he also somehow figured out
to send her a voice message at some point, like
he texted her voice message to be like Nana, this

(07:56):
uh this part of the game blah blah blah and
like and then so then the team switched over like
it was his turn to ask the questions, and I
think he immediately got exhausted by typing. So he just
typed w T w U T what is it his
first question, and then my I think my dad was

(08:19):
playing on the other end, and he just hit my
dad just hitting no, And then his first question is
what is it yeah? So then Brent called them and
was like, I give up? What is it? And there
it's just like fully fully given up. He cheated with
me the other day. I say, I write it on

(08:40):
the last page, and I go, all right, I'll submit
the questions the front page. I left the room for
one second and I came back. Your questions were like
is it an animal yes? Is it a mammal? Or?
Is a reptile no? Is it a mammal yes? Is
it a pet no? Then I left the room for
two seconds and I came back and it said is
it a zebra? Which was correct? And he was like

(09:01):
all smug and smiling, and I was like, you cheated.
His look on his face was like how could you
possibly have known? He's so bad at cheating. It's like
he's five other big news of the week. May even
turned four. May even turned four. It's crazy. I feel

(09:21):
like she like did another one of those growth spurts
where she also looks huge. Yeah. It's also we spend
the whole day looking at her and we're like, when
the hell did this happen? Yeah? I like, who is
this huge person? According to Brandon Maven's rules, she is
now officially a big kid. It kind of feels like

(09:42):
it though, Like all of a sudden, I'm like, yeah,
this is a kid. It's not like a toddler. Yeah.
She's like thirteen. Yeah, she's well and she got like
a new gown for her birthday and she got like
little girl high heel shoes and she's been like prancing
around and she already was like into like girly stuff,

(10:02):
but this is like kind of next level, I feel like.
So she's like she'll have like a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich like all of her face, and then she'll
be putting on like new toy makeup, like plastering it
on her cheeks, like just all mixed together. She took
like this blue glittery lip bomb thing and was just

(10:23):
rubbing it all over her legs in hand and like
and then I was like, she was like, oh, we
have to go wash this off, and I was like, yeah,
how about a bath? And she thank god, she took
a bath. Anyway, she's I love what we did. So
we didn't have any wrapping paper. Um, I mean, we

(10:44):
could have got wrapping paper, but we've been limiting the
trips to the store. We haven't been to the grocery
store in over two weeks. This is a new record,
and we're still pretty good. It really feels like it's
been a year since we went to the grocery store.
I can't believe how well we're holding up. I'm I
really feel like I've become like a pioneer woman. I'm like,
I've got an onion and I got some pasta, and

(11:06):
you're making culinary miracles happen with only six to seven ingredients.
I'm really proud of my efforts today. This afternoon, I
really wanted a snack and we're so low on groceries,
and there was like just a handful of baby spinach left,
and I managed to make like a cheesy spinach dip.

(11:29):
And I was like, I am incredible. Like it's just
you're like the French peasants making high art out of snails. Well,
I was like, it's fast, it's easy, it's just the
snack I want. It's almost healthy. I had the best
eating day today that I have had since we've been here,
and I'm realizing now part of it is because we're

(11:51):
out of good snacks. I was like, I've got self
control today. I'm like, no, it's just not around. We do, unfortunately,
need to have less sugar in the house because our
children are fiends for sugar. So is your husband. I know,
but I have no self control. And normally at home
we can have like a couple of adult snacks, like

(12:14):
I can hide away or something. But it's true here
kids like I don't know something about Easter and then
maybe's birthday, and like just the fact that we've been
baking more as a coping mechanism. I think they're just
like all they think about a sugar somedays. So we
really need to like taper down for a little bit
so that they forget that that's a constant option. It's

(12:36):
a weird balance because I have no self control. But
if it were up to me, we'd literally have none
of it. But that doesn't work for you, you know.
But if it was up to you, we'd all just
be eating like fried hamburger meat every meal, Like you know,
that's fair. The point is it's been tricky with the
way we do things in our needs to find a

(12:57):
balance that suits everyone. Um, but can I like to
have snacks and treats sometimes I'm not criticizing you in
the least. Um, I'm different and that's my problem. Um,
so maybe and that you also love them. I don't
even love them the way you do. I just consume

(13:18):
them without feeling. So for Mavens, we didn't have wrapping papers,
so we wrapped up all of her presents in beach
towels because we're in a house that has ten trillion
beach towels and rubber bands. And I gotta say, rubber
bands and beach towels are incredibly effective. And uh, I

(13:38):
just want to say, for the first time ever in
this podcast, Beth just got up in the middle of
us recording and left the room to get water, acting
like I can pretend to talk to her. I can't.
I need you here, even the first time I've gotten
up to get water. But um, continue on talking about

(14:01):
how this fascinating you bought. But you bought this, this
beautiful pink tent. It's a really excellent gift. Beautiful. It's
a little tent. If it's inside, it's got these poles
in it. I set it up and like we we
set it up. So there's our room here is attached
to a porch that you that we set the tent

(14:25):
up on the porch, and then we put all the
presents inside the tent. And then Beth, you've got a
bag of these little plastic animals. And I made a
trail from their bedroom down the stairs, a line of animals,
through the living room, through our bedroom so that they
would wake us up, and then through the door to
the porch where are the presents were, so our kids

(14:46):
would be our alarm clock and they would wake up
and find a magical trail to presents. I gotta say
it was pretty magical. It was good. Maven has had
pretty great birthdays the US a couple of years. I
feel like she's really benefiting from like it not being
a crazy time of year. Um, May, it's not a

(15:08):
crazy time of year. It is for me that's like
normally my busiest work time. But it's not like being
born around like Christmas time or like the fourth of
July or something like. It's like that's fair. We're like,
we're not like all just like moving from one event
to another. We're sort of like, Okay, what's happening around me,
you know, especially right now. We we had plenty of time,

(15:31):
so we're all pretty focused on her. And can you
talk about the cake you made. I made she last
minute requested an our wall cake, and I'm so proud
of myself. Um, I'm a pretty good decent cake decorator,
but I really feel like I did myself this time
because I was like, Okay, how am I going to
have us this at the last minute, and you mentioned

(15:52):
construction paper, which I was like, fine, But then I
had a last moment minute for the horn for the
horn for the one, so I was I bought just
like box cake mix because I don't have discerning enough
tastes to want to actually bake a cake from scratch,
and uh, it's just I like to focus on the decorating,

(16:14):
to be honest. Um. And then so we did this
like box cake mix. I did the two layers. I
shaved off a little bit of the top layer to
make it rounded, which I have never I don't think
I've ever done that before or like, not this successfully. Um.
And then I got puff pastry to bake the narwall's

(16:38):
horn and its tail, and uh, it came out, I
have to say, pretty incredible. And then our kids instantly
made a very crucial mistake, which is to put the
birthday cake out first thing in the morning. On the
counter and say to our four and five year old, Hey,
don't eat this cake for the next twelve hours. I

(17:01):
think it's a funny challenge. I was not expecting it
to be so completely destroyed, especially not like face first,
it was like so conspicuous, like the looked like somebody
through a cup of acid in its face. Well, what
I found funny is like I have watched a lot
of nature shows about whales, and it really just looks

(17:22):
like someone's eating at the carcass of like a dead whale.
Like they're just like out a beach whale that a
grizzly bear found a family of grizzly bears, some killer
whales got out it like a loose, sugary jaw of
a whale on the counter. Well, because I made the

(17:44):
mouth and eyes out of chocolate chips, so that that's
why they went right for the face. Um, I mean
that's what your cat and the cat does too. Um.
What when you die in your apartment and your cat
eats you? Never mind, let's move on. So on a
scale of one to narwhale, how do we do narwhale?

(18:20):
All right, now it's time for he knows what they're saying,
this is where we talk about some weird ship our
kids said, um, so this is something weird that happened
actually on Maven's birthday, which feels really weirdly conspicuous. She
told me that one of her best friends is a
dead girl named Hallie who she hangs out at daycare. Hallie,

(18:44):
I think you said Nella. Nella is her baby her
doll his name Nella or Ella anyway, the uh. She
told me that this this girl, Hallie h is her
best friend to day care with her other best friend, Camilla,
and she said that. Um. I was like and I

(19:05):
was like, is Hallie nice? And she's like yeah, but
she hits me when I say bad words. And I
was like, like what kind of bad words? And She's like,
like stupid. And then it was like kind of confusing.
She said. Hallie died a couple of years ago in Brooklyn.
I don't know what she's doing at our daycare in MEMARNEK.
But um, she just like she's she's setting our daughters straight.

(19:30):
Seems like a little bit like a good influence. And
I feel like the fact that like the three of
them were all best friends together and it sounds like
Camilla can see this girl too. Um, I think Camila
is a really sweet, nice girl. She wouldn't mind to us. Well,
it's just her and may even have like a very
good thing. They're never like a lot of friendships at

(19:52):
that age. I feel like there's a lot of fighting
because they're little and they are not like you never
hear about them fighting. It's always just like really, Familia
does not seem conflict prone. No, they're both just like
very sweet. I'm like, so glad they had to have
each other there, um anyway, so they so I was so,
I was just in the sense I was like, I

(20:12):
think I like Hallie, Like, I think Halle is a
good influence. She hits her about her, but only when
she says stupid. Yeah, but the way Maven said she
hits like the way Maven was like, So she hits
me sometimes it didn't feel like she's hitting her like hard,
that's in my instinct. But I did. I did tweet
about this, and then all I got all these replies

(20:32):
of people telling ghosts the stories about their kids, and
three and four years old seems to be about the
age where this is the most common. Well, um, I
don't believe in ghosts. But Maven and I have been
talking a lot about dead people because we went to
a graveyard together, and it's fascinating to go to a

(20:53):
graveyard with an almost four year old she wanted. She's
like sort of got it from that. Wasn't a woman
who swallowed to fly at the end. She's buried in
the ground because she's dead. And they look at the
tombstone and Kevin like, what's this door? And so like,
I've really explained it to him. So we went to
the oldest maintained graveyard in America, which is in the

(21:14):
town we are in, in case you're trying to find us.
Uh and uh. We went there and uh. There was
like a plaque with some famous Ish people, people I've
never heard of. They were there and pictures of the gravestones,
and Brin goes, I want to find this one. It's
got a nine on it. Let's go. And I'm like, wait, what,

(21:36):
maybe you should study more of the details on here
before you go looking for it instead of just looking
for the number nine and uh and then they so
he went running off to find this gravestone and maybe
it was like there's dead people here. Are they going
to be zombies. She's obsessed with the idea that you
die and then he becomes a zombie. That's her only

(21:57):
understanding of any kind of afterlife. So she's saying dead
people are real, but zombies are not real. Like yeah,
I'm like, there's people under this ground and she's like what.
And we talked about cremation yesterday, which I could tell
was creeping them out a little bit. But they asked, um,
and we had this needs to lead into our next segment.

(22:21):
Oh boy, what does that mean? We'll find out, But
this one's not over yet. Um it's not. No, okay,
yess it is, but bah, in fact, we're just gonna
immediately dive into our next section. No break. This is

(22:44):
we know's what they're watching, because that's all they do
these days, is watching all we do. Uh. So we
found some uh fun movies during this time, but we
made a really strange last minute choice last night to
let Bran watch Little Shop of Horrors, which none of
us had ever seen. All of us thought we'd seen it,

(23:05):
and as we started watching, we realized, we've never seen this.
Now I kind of knew I hadn't really seen it.
I had seen like clips, but I, Yeah, I really
had not seen this movie at all. I just realized
I was a theater major and I've heard every song
from the music music theater majors around me. Yeah, and
it's a movie. Once you see it, you kind of
understand why it's not more widely seen because it has

(23:27):
some really slightly disturbing contents for a five year old. Maybe,
like Mayven got a little ways into where, um, the
character of Seymour is letting a plant drink his blood
dripping from his finger and it's still a little baby plant,
just like making a suckling lips. And then we like
maybe could not handle that. Maybe was like this is scary,

(23:50):
I don't want to watch this. So we let her
go in the other room and watch Peppa Pig. We're like,
maybe that's yeah, it was like a good, good idea.
Thanks for parenting yourself, because clearly no one else's And then, um,
Bryn was like locked in. But then when that scene happened,
Bryn and Maven both leaned forward on the couch towards

(24:10):
the TV like simultaneously like they're just so drawn in. Um,
And then thank god may have even left the room
because then as Brynn continued to watch There's like more disturbing,
like plants sucking blood scenes and dentist and Steve Martin

(24:31):
as a horrific dentist. I had no idea Bill Murray's
in that movie. Yeah, there's a lot of heavy hitters
in that movie, full of things your children probably shouldn't see.
But Brin rewatched the whole movie again today because he's
now obsessed. Well maybe he didn't watch the whole movie,
but he had it on. He was watching it again. Um,

(24:51):
he was like, I love this and he by the end,
he was like, what was your favorite party? Because I'll
tell you what my saddest part west, I was like
what he goes when the plant blew up at the end.
I was like, we mean the bad guy was kept
insisting throughout the movie, where like, who's your favorite character?
And he was like the plant. I was like, but

(25:12):
eight people. He's like, he's just hungry. Yeah, he was like,
he's just being silly. I tried to explain to Brand
that the plant was trying to spread plants across the
whole globe to eat everyone, and he's like, I still
like the plant. He did say something went after the
plant ate someone where he was like, maybe this plant
is not so good after all, Like he turned to me,

(25:35):
seed me see more. Also kind of a racist plant
voice in the movie. A lot of strange choices in
that movie. The voice of the plant is one of
the four tops singers. Fun fact see also a voice
of California Raisin take at nineteen eighties six. Um, Weirdly,

(26:06):
that's a it's a it's a adaptation of a musical.
But the musical was the adaptation of a non musical
film from Roger Korman. And watched a bunch of clips
and it's super bizarre. And do you know who plays
the role that Bill Murray has in uh? In the
original movie, the guy. Bill Murray plays a guy who

(26:29):
weirdly just loves be the pain of the dentist. He
goes to the dentist and he loves that it's painful.
It doesn't want no vocating children probably shouldn't have seen.
There's no reason to have that scene in the movie
at all. But in the original movie it's played by
Jack Nicholson. Broadway show No. The original movie sixty the

(26:52):
non musical Did you not hear anything? I just explained
in that movie Jack Nicholson plays like chacter and it's
like equally broad and goofy, like you don't ever see
Jack Nichols was goa say you don't see Jack Nichols
and playing over the topic that's totally false, but like
so cartoony. He's like, I love the Dentists. Another thing,

(27:16):
So when I left, Maven watched TV in the other room.
I kept coming in to check on her, and every
time she'd be like, did the plant eat the man yet?
And then after the movie is over it we're pretty
good to bed. She was like, but I didn't get
to see the plant eat the man? Like you left
because you didn't want to see that. This is her

(27:38):
constant like thing lately. It's just always being contrarian. I
think movies with no with practical effects are much scarier
than c G. I do you agree? Um, yeah, Like
there's something really disturbing about about Addrew two's plant lips

(28:02):
are so not so much scarier, is just like more engaging,
like just more yeah, because it's a it's a real
thing you're looking at. Yeah, Um, I have a plan
to watch The Exorcist. Yeah, I know you do. I'm
psyching myself up I'm not interested. I know you're not.

(28:22):
That's the last thing the world you'd want to watch.
I watched. I can't. I just can't do it. I'm
too like it just destroys me to get so swept up,
and I'm I'm not a big scary movie person. I
get actually pretty scared. I binge watched like maybe three

(28:44):
episodes of a drama the other day, thinking I was
like giving myself a treat, and then afterwards, I was like,
why do I feel so depressed? And I was like, oh,
because I've just been watching people be sad at each
other for like two hours. I've been watching True Detective
of season two, which is not bad. Season one is

(29:05):
very much more engaging. But yeah, it's sad. It's all
very sad. But I can brush that. Some need to
see people get killed right now. That's why I'll need
to be watching the last Dance. I tell you what,
I'm just gonna keep watching Grand Designs on Netflix. I
can watch that all day long and we have good

(29:28):
um oh boy, this has been we know what they're watching.
This next segment is would you know? This is where

(29:49):
we present each other with parenting hypotheticals and this week.
Peter's got one from a listener. Yeah, and we also
should note the best sounds very annoy because we just
did this segment already and I wasn't recording, Beth. And
also before that, I took an hour and a half
long break to have another zoom with my good friends

(30:10):
from high school. They don't need to hear all this. Well,
they didn't hear it because you heard it. But I'm
saying it again because I didn't record you. Let's hear
the email. I'm it's tired and angry. Just you know,

(30:31):
my friend Peter, he texted me and we talked about
your text. But now we can't repeat it because get
to the question. This is from release subject line, would
you know? Question mark exclamation point. That's the proper way
to write it. By the way, Hi, Beth and Peter,
thanks for your wonderful podcast. I haven't missed a week

(30:52):
since the very first episode. I haven't almost four year
old and a one and a half year old, and
your parenting experiences are so relatable. As I was lying
awake last night thanks to my eldest child crawling into
our bed and subsequently taking up as much space as
is bodily possible for a thirty five pound kid, I
thought of. Would you knows? For this scenario, you have

(31:15):
to pretend COVID quarantine is over. I'm going to try
to pretend that. Imagine. Peter's agent reaches out to you
and says, a major broadcasting company is piloting a new
reality show wherein families have twenty four hours from the
time of contact to prepare for an all expense paid
vacation to somewhere awesome. The catches you have to bring

(31:36):
your kids, the location is more than seventeen hour flight away,
including a layover somewhere, and you can't give your kids
any type of sleeping aid, and you can't bring anyone
along to help. Also, there is a six hour time change.
Do you do it? If so, what if the kids
were younger, like two and three. In this scenario, you
have to sit in the last row of the plane.

(31:57):
Would it make a difference if you could stay it
in business class? Yes? A couple other things to note.
This is not a paid gig, However, your agent says
the exposure will bolster your career and the trip will
take you to a place you've always wanted to visit.
Is this interesting? Regardless, is this interesting? It's a good callback.
I didn't notice that the first time. Regardless, hopefully you

(32:20):
have fun imagining being anywhere that isn't a cabin somewhere.
Take care of both of you at least. PS, if
you miss a week or day, can you post some
kind of quick recording just to let us know you're okay.
I'm always concerned you'll you'll get sick of recording the
show and suddenly stop production. Do we sound like for
stick of this we we won't a ghost you guys.

(32:43):
I think we would. I mean, we did ghost them
for well, but I mean I think if we had
known that was going to happen and we hadn't lost power,
we would have been like, hey, we're not gonna be
with you this week. I did post the thing it
says we're gonna be late, and then we just abilled
in the whole week plus during these times, what if
someone was sick or something. Peter has been awfully cavalier

(33:03):
about his visits to the grocery store. Lies. Lies, She's right,
no lies. Okay, So my answer to her question, would
I take this unpaid reality show gig to go to
a nice location? My answer is a hard No. No,
definitely not. I don't want to be filmed in a

(33:26):
reality style show. I don't want like you know, the
first time I read this, I read it as they're like, oh,
we have to go to a beautiful place. We just
have to go through a horrible thing. But now I
am realizing, what is the show because they give you
They're like, you have twenty four hours to get ready
and pack and go. Is the show about the travel?

(33:47):
I think at a certain point in your career you
have to value yourself higher than reality TV or you're
committing yourself to being a reality TV person. Like, okay,
we just talked about this, but you and I did
meet on a reality Internet TV. Yeah, when I was
like twenty years old. That's when it made It was

(34:10):
it was a sensible decision to us then to an
unpaid reality Sure, we thought we were going to be
so huge. It felt like a big deal. It was
the exposure we needed at the time. Everyone at UCB.
It gave us a huge booth and that we were
the first and second place losers. Project still talk about
Marcy Dureau though, so it was a good gamble. They

(34:32):
still talk about Project improviser winner Marcy Dureaux. All the
time they talked about her podcast a funny feeling, but
they don't talk about how she got there from that
sweet project proviser. No, people don't know the origin story.
We know, we know, but no. I I have been

(34:54):
filmed in for some reason, more than one documentary styles.
It's production, and I don't it's not fun. It's just work,
and I don't want to do unpaid work that I
have to get on an airplane with my kids for. Yeah,
I don't mind traveling with kids, but the idea of

(35:17):
the final destination still being a I'm still not clear
on what the show is. If you're going to travel
with kids, it better be for fun. If it's like
a competition, like who can travel the best with kids,
I don't want no matter what I'm doing, flying on
an airplane, sitting on the beach during none of that.
Do I want to camera in my face? Well, I

(35:38):
try to deal with my children. I try to throw
marshmallows at them to keep them happy. I don't have
you been throwing marshmallows at our kids, because that's the
second time you've mentioned doing that. Well, I mentioned it
the first time when you didn't record me for this segment.
It just feels like you've talked about it a hundred
times and just trying to replicate the magic I gave

(35:59):
you in the last to take of this. I don't
want to be in a reality show where people are like, hey,
can you go pour yourself some coffee again? Just when
you get that like I already poured this fucking coffee.
It's not real anymore. Can we just get you guys
like talking naturally. It's not like we're not even going
to get the audio, but just like try to be natural. Yeah, yeah,
I'll try that again. Hey, um my wife to whom

(36:21):
I've been married for, I got really real stuff done.
How many years we've been married? However? Ten years? Almost
ten years coming up? What do you want for Mother's Day?

(36:41):
Just to be left alone? Piece? Yeah? Should I take
the kids for a long, long, ten hour drive for
Mother's Day? Yeah? Um yeah, I might do that. Um would.
Here's a question. Here's a question for you, Beth. What
what would the reality show have to be for you

(37:05):
to be willing to be on it? And this is
any kind of reality show. This could be the people
just have any experience. It could be a competition. It
could be a weird challenge punked reality. Well, like I
did that, um, like I was saying, I was like,

(37:26):
I've weirdly been filmed in a lot of documentary style
things and it's just now occurring to me. Another one,
which is that I did like the Masterclass video with
Steve Martin, and I was like, this is kind of
a hooky like a thing, but like I knew it
was going to be Steve Martin. So it's like, well,
I'm spending the day with Steve Martin. You're I'm not
going to turn this down. It doesn't matter Martin how

(37:49):
bad it goes that lest I have the story of
how it went badly with Steve Martin. Like it's just
like but um so, yeah, I would like if it
was something where I was getting to spend time with
someone I respected and I felt like they were going
to be doing something relatively interesting, that I would be
totally down. So if it's about about a skill, yeah,

(38:11):
Like I like reality shows like Project Improviser or A
Sorry Project, uh not Project Runway, the World Famous Project.
I like reality shows like the one that we were on. Um,
I like Project. I like shows like Project runway or
grand designs like I mentioned earlier, or I like where

(38:32):
someone is trying to create something or do like a
project and you get to see in real like in
not real time, but you get to see over time
how they're like level headed or panic decisions pay off
in the long run. Any show that is about actually
getting into the details of a skill, yeah, like a
creative process. And especially when you see how like people

(38:55):
get in their own way or like get in their
head and like self sabotage, like so fascinating. That's why
I love drag Race. It's like a job now. I like, yeah,
I like the parts of drag Race that are more
like that. But then there's other parts of drag Race
where I sort of I don't know, I wondering now,

(39:19):
and that's fine, that's fine, that's fine. Um. I watched
the first episode of Secret Celebrity Drag Race. I was like, Oh,
this will be fun, and then they're like, here's three
celebrities you've never heard of. I'm like, not as much
fun Steve Martin. If Steve Martin was on drag Race,

(39:40):
I would watch that. It's weird this episode. We've had
callbacks to Steve Martin in the movie. Um, what are
you saying the movie that Bern watched? You were so
shocked to see Steve Martin in that movie. Just a
lot of natural callbacks in this episode. Um, anyway, is

(40:05):
this interesting? Is interesting? Um? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy? What reality show would I be on? This
great question? Bethum, drag Race? Would it be drag Race?
I would be on drag Race. You would love to
be on drag Rays drag Would you keep your beard
or not? I would do well if I was on

(40:25):
drag Race. I assume that if one of those episodes,
would they bring in like random uh fans are people
to be done over? Obviously I do not have any
of those skills, but I would. I'd say, whatever your
vision is, I'm your I'm your I'm your blank slate.
Whatever you want, I'll shave this beard, although I could

(40:47):
do Ah, if you want to do like a big
you know, gender bending glitter beard. Hey maybe yeah, Well
how do you roll? Which one speaks to your heart? Well?
I love drag Race. I love the magic trick of
the of the Grand Transformation. Um, so shaving the beard

(41:09):
off would would be fun? Yeah? What kind of way
would you have like a redhead I don't know whom.
It's probably the challenge where I have to see like
like a sisterly resemblance, and so I'd have to look
like that drag queen. So which drag queen? Because if
it's a crystal method, then I'm gonna look like a circus. Okay, alright,

(41:31):
well we've got it off topic and we didn't all.
You know, I'm gonna be classier. I don't know. Um Anyway, Obviously,
our reality show aspirations don't involve our children or long
flights and not being made um. But weirdly, now that
we think about it, we do have strong reality TVs.

(41:51):
I have thought a lot about, you know, because we
are a project improviser which had its uh faults, a
web based reality show about him of because it was
no budget whatsoever and not at the time it was
like literally like the second it was even possible to
upload videos to the internet like of that length, so
it was not like there was people were like practiced

(42:14):
and yeah we also we had fifteen minute long shows
with nine people in them. Okay, but I would love
I would love to hosting and create that show. Now, wow,
are you proposing a comeback if somebody wants to produce,

(42:36):
somebody who wants to do this, Remember there was like
some guy who really wants to give it. Well, the
guy who wanted to do a big story, I'm project improviser,
and whoever his publisher was was like, nobody knows what
this is. I don't know anyway. Um um, but I
would host and create that show and they would be
really great. I'll host it. Wow, So your dream reality

(42:58):
show you've already been on is for me to be
in control of the show that I was kicked off of.
Just rig it. I'm not going to be a contestant,
I know, but you're just you're gonna You're like, it's
weird that after the one girl got eliminated that the
other girl wasn't eliminated. We need to bias this more

(43:21):
in favor of bearded white men. What are you what?
What what are you trying to assign to me? Um? No,
it would be incredible. Okay, I'm calling it. Well, this
has been another episode of We Knows Parenting. I'm Beth

(43:43):
noweltervict Dirty. If you'd like to email us, send us
a question of thought, tell us how you're doing how
is your parenting life changed for the better or the
worst or whatever. You can email us at we Knows
pod at gmail dot com, or you can give us

(44:04):
a voicemail at three four seven three eight four seven
three nine six. Just give us a voicemail. I was
trying to find the phone number. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, We
know Great review, subscribe by my book. There's no manual
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(44:26):
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