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May 19, 2020 49 mins

After last week’s deleted episode debacle things turn around and suddenly feel a little less like the end of the world…. and then Maeven sticks a crasin up her nose.

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Before I got to say welcome to We Does Parenting.
I'm Peter McNerney, I'm Beth Newell. We're back. We're back. Sorry,
sorry about last week we had. Um, we had an

episode accidentally get deleted and Peter lost his mind a
little bit, and then they heard the mini episode that
I recorded, and then I just couldn't it couldn't make
it happen. Um. It was a bad week. It was
a bad week, but I think, you know, in a

productive way. It today felt like an incredible turnaround. Yeah.
I don't know. There's something about this year and like
all of the constant chaos that I feel like I
look back and I've think I'm like, well, I did
learn from that. I did when you melted down and
then I didn't want to record and we got an argument.

I do think we learned a little bit from that experience.
We always do. We you live, you learn. Ye, there's
more words that I don't know, Beth. Do you know

that we have been doing this podcast for two years now? Yeah,
we didn't. We talk about this. Yeah, in an episode
they got deleted. Oh yeah, yeah. Part of why I
couldn't rerecord the episode was just everything we said was
so fresh in my brain that I knew I would
feel insane just repeat it, like it would just not

come out of my mouth in a natural way. But
now everything we said is like mostly a race from
my brain. We have a whole week of in in
an insane world to wash away whatever those thoughts were.
You want to know what that episode was about, We
were like Mother's Day, how'd it go? Pretty good? You
know what I wanted to say that I actually didn't
say when we recorded the deleted episode, Um, is that

one of the true highlights of my mother's day is
that you made me a baked brie. And I really
think if you love someone you should make them a
big brix because it was so perfect. Well, I love it.
I love it. So I love a bake breaf, know.
I mean, I'm not going to take very much credit
because when we went to the grocery store, you said,

get baked brie. No, you mean puff pastry and brie. Yeah,
applications And I did think of it. I don't think
I actually said that. I think I said to get bread.
I said puff Street was on the list. I think
my sister put it there. I don't know why, but

I think, I said again, I said to get cheese
with a rind because, as you know, I'm obsessed with
putting food scraps in my freezer bag to make broth.
So I was like, we have to eat some cheese
with a rind on it so I can throw it
in my broth bag. Um, so that was your thought process.
But you just wrote brie on the list, and Ali

wrote puff pastry. Yeah. I was like, this is baked
bris and his Mother's Day and yeah, I thought it
was one of those. Then I said, can you make
me baked bris? But I literally was thinking about it already.
You read my mind just the same wavelength. Yeah. So
we had a good kind of like lazy Mother's Day,
not much going on besides baked bries. And you did

our taxes, which I don't. I don't participate in, and
I don't you know, I don't think everyone needs to
understand how money works. It's not fun. I mean I
barely do. I'm doing our taxes. Yeah, I just like
to associate with people who do understand and can tell me.

I like to call text is more the It's like
the the sixth anniversary of me saying next year I'm
gonna pay someone to do this for me. Yeah, I
do every year. I didn't actually didn't say it this year.
Every year it's like dragging on and I'm like, we
should be like compiling our expenses, which we're not doing,

which we should be as freelancers, and then we should
be hiring an accountant to do a better job. And
then every year it's like all of a sudden, the
years over and we didn't keep track of our expenses.
I don't, yeah know we our audit risk level is
very low because I would I know that I'm paying

probably extra money just to not stress about it. I
don't know what that means, but okay, I mean it's like, I,
you know what if I hired somebody, Oh, we could
be paying less money potentially. Yeah, um, but you know
what the amount of I'm like, how much I think
about the extra money I'm potentially paying now, And that's

how much I'm spending to make my taxes very easy. Right. Yeah,
if we did a good job, we could definitely say
some money. But it is like, at the end of
the year, is it worth our time to obsess over this? No? Okay,
this is a parenting podcast. I don't know why we're talking.
We're talking about Mother's Day. Um. Yeah. The other big

thing we covered on the Lost episode is that Maven
had stuck a crazing up her nose. Oh my gosh.
We got to talk about the crazy, which is like
a very intense experience for all of us. She was
not happy about it. She can't goes daddy. Daddy and
I come in and she goes, I put it crazy

my nose and my first reaction was to laugh, which
I didn't do. And then I realized, oh, that's actually bad.
We cannot go to the hospital. And then as I
was thinking that, you know, because coronavirus, right, No, I
was thinking the same thing. Else, we have to handle this.
I had that thought, she started to stick her finger
in her nose, and I was like, I can't have

her push it further in. So I grabbed her hand
and I was like, also, can I keep it light?
Gotta keep it calm so she doesn't panic. I'm like, okay,
let me see. I just put my finger on the
upper outside of her nose, and it was like a
mission impossible. Like we all snapped into geared. We're like
it's okay, just like it was like, we got her
on the bed and you were soothing her, and I'm like,

let me take a look, and she was going no,
and I was like, this is yeah. It became a
three person job where I had to hold her arms
down while you held the tweezers to get it out,
and my sister had to shine a flashlight in her nose.
My favorite. I rushed into Ali's room and I go,
she was on a conference call, and I go, Ali

may even put a crazy upper nose, and we need
three adults to pin her down so I can pull
it out with tweezers. Let's go, and I gotta say it.
It was. It was just far enough back. I said
this before I'm repeating myself to you, but just far
enough back where I could tell as I put the
tweezers in, it's like a very unpleasant sensation for her,

that feeling of like things should not go that far
to your nose. But I did not want to push
it further in. But I couldn't get it in without
closing it a little because she was a tiny little master.
I was so scared You're going to push it in further,
But I got it first try. I do think this
is like, strangely what a lot of people are dealing
with right now, with having to have their kids get

tested for coronavirus. It's like very disturbing to have things
shoved up your nose. Um. Yeah, but she was fine,
She's good boy. The the whole rest of the week
after really after that episode got deleted and I lost
my mind and we had a bit of a fight,

and then I was just very sad for the whole
The whole week was just really hard. I had I
felt like the whole week was like little things like
that where I was like, I know, this isn't the
end of the world, but this is just a lot
to be processing right now, and it's just like one
thing after another. Um. And yeah, it was just like exhausting.

And I think when we're both in that mode, it's
a vicious cycle because I start to then I was
like I just want to be happy, and then I'm
so nervous around you. Then I just like, I haven't
talked to you for eight hours and you come into
the room and I'm like immediately say the wrong thing. Well,

we've also I think like just because of everything we've
I think we've both been having days where you're like,
it's the world is so overwhelming, and then we just
crash and need like a nap, and it's like, I
don't I I feel like in the last week or so,

I've maybe a couple of weeks, I've started to become
more aware of like Peters also dealing with all these things,
like I like, I don't like now that I wasn't before.
But I was sort of just like I could tell
you were also having bad days, and I was like,
just hold it together. I gotta say my favorite moment

of the week was when I was like, you want
some breakfast. You're like yeah, And I made you a
poached egg and I put onions in a in a
combination that I know historically like you don't like well

for some reason, onions and avocado mixed together first thing
in the morning makes me feel nauseous. I can I
eat guccamoli at like later, but like the it's the morning,
I just my stomach is like, yeah, well, in my mind,
I was like, oh, red onions, but I did a
scallion and then I was like, but they are red onions. Anyway,

you started eating it and you go are there onions
in this, and in my brain, I was like, I
thought this was the moment we were going to move
past a thing. And then I was just like about
to be defensive, and I was like uh. And then
I thought about it, and I was like, I know this.
I know you don't want these. I should have known this,

and I and you had like you you made a
choice to not be upset or to try. You made
a choice to try to not be upset. You didn't
totally succeed, and I felt, no, I wasn't just like,
but I really know what. The only thing that felt

disappointing to me was that I felt like I was
offending you. After you poached an egg and I was like,
I'm sorry, I can't eat this, Like I just I'm
trying to be better about speaking up for my needs
and not feeling guilty about it. And I was just like,
I'm I'm not eating this. That's um, that's great. Because

weirdly after that, I want I felt terrible and I
was like, well, of course I sucked it up, but
then I also recognized that you were being positive. Just
I want you to know, just for the record, there's
been a lot of times this week where you have
done things that I have felt like, this makes no
sense that he would do this this way, and then

I have to just be like you married a space
cadet person to get over it. Like I, I felt
every single one of those moments. Yes, I did did it.
There was two days and the egg thing was the
last thing, but there was two days before that where
every single thing I said to you, I could feel

it land on you, and I could feel you being disappointed,
and I could feel you needing to put in an
effort to go through that process. That thought process was
completely apparent to me. But because I've been with you
for so long, first I'm defensive in my head, and

then i am hurt that I'm sad and I'm embarrassed,
and then I'm able to recognize Beth just put in
a very real effort. I did not make this a thing,
and I appreciate it. Part of the issue, which I
think we're learning to deal with, is that we're both
hyper sensitive to each other's feelings. And like I, like

I told you when when the when you found out
the podcast episode was deleted, I was sitting in our
bedroom trying to do work, and all of a sudden
I felt so nauseous, Like I was like so sick.
I was like, why do I feel so bad? And
then you walked in so upset that the episode was leaded,
and I was like, oh, I literally was like feeling

him from the other room. I like, I know, like
this sounds insane, but I was like I just I
was like, that was not my energy, and it's hard
to separate it out sometimes it's the whole bunch of
days after that, we were in this tiptoey stayed back
and forth. I felt like, which a lot of the

times exacerbates each other's feelings, like I feel like when
I'm being extra careful, you just feel how tense I am,
and you're more annoyed at things. Well, yeah, I think
it was just like unspoken that we were both feeling
exhausted lately and like just kind of like phoning it
in on childcare. And it was like a tag team

effort where I was just like okay, well, like it's
okay that this the other person is just shutting down
and passing out in the other Yeah, I had a
victory in I realized that I will when I feel
like you're mad at me or you're retreating, I'll have weird, angry, jealous,

lonely feelings and the first opening, I'll go too hard
and you're like, okay, now we're connecting on dump my things.
And for those days, I'm like, this will pass. I'm
gonna totally let Beth go when I can. And then
like and also at the end of that week, I
spent a whole day working and realizing why am my

pants are tight? Oh, because I've definitely gained twenty pounds.
Twenty pounds I don't think so, I mean ten to fifteen.
But the last two days today I woke up at seven,
I walked, I went for a walk, got home right
as the kids woke up. I started tracking my food again,

and in a day and a half, I feel like
a trillion dollars and and like you went through a
thing too, and suddenly you need to feel And I
was like, oh, we're happy to be in the same
room with each other. Yeah. Well, we've also I think
both been trying to exercise a little more because of
all this. But then on the days when we go

hard exercising, I think we both just kind of collapse
for the rest of the day, like we just can't
like our bodies don't know how to handle it when
I exercise hard after having done nothing for weeks. Yeah,
I don't know. I've been like, I've been running like
relatively regularly, and it's just like I feel like if

I when I push it a little further than normal,
which is not very far, my body is just like, well,
it's going to take us a few days to deal
with this. I don't know. And athletic. Today's today. I
didn't eat nine thousand calories and have five servings of
alcohol and I feel great. I did um have a

real win this week where I I had to go
to the CBS or something, so I got a package
of Snickers ice cream bars and I hid them from
you in the basement. And it was really satisfying to
just like know that I could have one and they
weren't all being eaten. Hey, guess how long ago I
found this? No, I know you found them, but it

was after I brought one up and you saw it
in the freezer. Well that was the tip is I
saw one in the freezer and I was like, who's
Snicker bars? You were like, can I have this? No? No,
I didn't eat I was like, who's sneaker? Like, I'm not.
There's one Snickers bar in the freezer. I'm like, this
is somebody's Snickers bar. So I was like, who has
the Snickers bar here? And You're like do you want it?

I was like can I? You like lost your mind
and it was like very funny for me and my sister.
Well then I saw your sister come up from the
basement holding one and I was like, oh, we have some.
She had to and she goes, yeah, you want one?
I go yeah, and then she said that was the
last one, so enjoy it. But my goal there was
a whole other box. That's true. My goal is not

to deny you the tree is just to delay the
amount you're eating so that I can get some Listen,
it is best for everyone that you lied. It was
really satisfying. I was like we all got to have
a couple. It was great. And also when I found them,
first of all, I was like, they lied to me,

and then I was like, yeah, I would have lied
to me, And then it really slowed me down. So
I was like, I'm not going to eat a whole
box and prove them right. I'm gonna eat three over
two days, they prove them half right, So you're telling
me they're all gone now, Oh they've been gone for days. Okay,

this is a parenting podcast. And our children also have
been sneaking a lot of food and just like ransacking
the house. Like we we obviously we have to buy
less treats. Um, but they just they get into everything.
I was I gave them both the bath today or

was involved in two and I was like, hmm, we
have some we have some little we have some little
plump kids. I was like, they just snacking like me endlessly. Yeah,
they are not that obviously. I'm not worried about it.
I really enjoy it, Like I still think about this.
So we're trying to buy a home and renovated kitchen,

and so we were telling I had this idea for
our architect to buy counter stools that are mounted to
the floor so that it's like easier to sweep around
and also our kids can't drag them over to the
cabinets to get things out of the cabinets, and are
one of our architects is like, it's so funny you
say that because they left a package of oreos out

that their two year old got into the next morning,
and she ate like the whole package, and the only
thing she would say was I'm full. Just like, really
love that image. It's cute when it's other people's kids.
You're like, yeah, eat it all boy, We they eat

all the snacks. Yeah, we just need to buy healthier snacks. Um.
None of us have any control at all. Hello. This

next segment is called would you knows? What she would?
I'd rather do? Would you rather? Um? I love that
you started this segment by saying hello, Hello, Hello. The
middle of the show. We took a long break on
our end between these segments, so it felt like I

needed to say again. It was a rare moment. I
realized that I had we had nothing planned for the mill,
so I made something up, and it's really stupid. I
was trying to think of a would you knows, but
instead I came up with a would you rather? Okay,
you're ready for this. I'm gonna stumble through this, Okay.
So basically this is three realities, which one would you choose?

We just because we're idiots, and we keep sucking it up,
and we have a series of triplets and twins. We
have five children in the next three years. All, it's
a series of triplets, and twins would not results with
five children, it would results in a serious was the

wrong word. As I was saying that, I was like,
this is too many, so I shortened it midway to
triplets were irresponsible and we end up with five children
plus are others. So that's seven Okay, seven children, so
seven children. They're all healthy. Um, they're great. We can
we can afford it. Um. But it's you know, intense.

Or you give birth to a Doctor Manhattan style baby.
You know Dr Manhattan from Watchman. Yeah, all knowing, but
he wasn't born that way. No, But we ares this
knows everything as a child and and and it's experiences

all time at once and is omnipresent and completely powerful.
And because they know what is going to happen, they
know everything. I could hang with that, I think, but
I would be good at that. But it's a real
like Dr Manhattan. It's a real bummer of a nothing matters,

and we can't. You can't experience joy with this person
because they're everywhere. Once they're they're constantly in the moment
of their own death. Did we talk did we talk
about how Mayven said she has a dead girlfriend? Was
that in the deleted episode? Or girlfriend she has? She
said a dead friend. She said one of her best

best friends as a dead girl. She hangs out with
a daycare. Do we talk about that and he talked
about last week. Yes, Nella who hits her when she
says bad words like stupid. Yeah, but we talked about
on the deleted episode. I think, so okay. Anyway, arch
Mayven Maybec's ghosts and I think it's great anyway, sidebar

her friend, it's not Nella. That's not the name of
the ghosts. Um No, that's her baby doll, Hallie's a
ghost girl. You said something so funny the other day
when you were like, I think maybe c Chakras, Well,
it was so okay. I'll let me tell the story
and interrupt your hypothetical. Um so maybe maybe was like

everyone has a p ball where they pee out of
their butt And I was like what, and she's like,
it's a ball. Everyone has it down in their butt
where that they pee out of And it sounded almost
like she was describing chakra. So I was like, you
mean like a light and she was like, no, it's red,

a red ball. So if you understand chakras, you would
know that the rut chakra is red. So I was like,
what and those diagrams, that's like all the chakras are
like a stack circles, right like head, yeah, yeah, so
the root chakra would be like your lowest one at
the base of your spine, which is like your where
your butt and your genitals are. So anyway, I tell

you this, and I'm like, it is so weird the
way she explained this, and you were like, oh. I
showed her like a medical diagram of like a bladder
and I was like, yeah, that is a pee ball.
But at one point she talked to me about it
later and I was like, I was like, I think
maybe some people call that a chakra, and she was like,

oh yeah, I forgot what the word is. Pee ball
was my joke name for it. So like she just
thought chakra meant bladder, like she just did boy children
say the thing. Yeah, okay, anyways, the third hypothetical We've
got seven kids or doctor Manhattan Child or um yeah,

and the whole world knows about this docu Manhattan Child
so dealing that you know, villains wanting to take his
power and all that. Third is you we give birth
to the next you know, Justin Bieber, and he's so
talented that, like, you know, he's doing drumming YouTube videos
at age four, and he becomes the biggest you know,

Taylor Swift level of fame, and you have to be
that kid's mom. Wow, that's a lot of responsibility. Of
those three things are a lot of astransibility. That's the idea.
I'll tell you which one I don't pick is seven kids.
It's that's like a real distant third place for me. Um.

I okay, what if it was two more kids? I
don't know. Yeah, maybe that's easier than dealing with the
superstar kid. I don't, like, I don't want to be
managing my child's career because I want to have my
own career. So that does seem like a lot Doctor

Manhattan Kids seems like potentially useful. I feel like it
would make me feel more a little more zen, Like
I would just be like, yeah, you're right, Like I like,
he's like nothing matters. Well. Someone someone I saw online
recently shared but like their psychic thought was going to

happen with coronavirus, and they were like, it's gonna like
get worse and like be the worst in December and
then we'll finally get back to a new normal by February.
And part of me was like, yeah, that makes sense.
Like it's just like I would rather like know the
hard truths and just be like that's what's happening. Like

I don't I don't think I would be that bothered
by a doctor Manhattan child. Did you watch the rest
of the Watchman TV show? Yeah, with the docu Manhattan stuff. Yes,
it's real depressing. Yeah, I mean I feel bad for him,

but like I feel bad for all of us, sort
of how I was feeling last week. Last week, I
was like I don't like anything. I don't like anyone.
I don't want to be with anyone. I'll never be
happy again, you know, depressed, And then something turns the
corner and I'm like, I love people. It's really up
and down lately, Like I don't feel I don't feel

like we have control over like what's going to be
the good days for the bad days. You just have
to be like, oh wow, this seems like a good
day and you have to really like lean into it.
And then the bad days, I just feel like I'm
like processing a lot of emotions that I'm just like
purging out of my body. I will say today I
decided because we've really I think I'll list a true

for a lot of people, but it's very true for
me that when this all started, I was like, well,
this is a once in a lifetime insane thing, so
rules don't apply anymore, like we're on vacation, and so
I stopped, like tracking my food. All routine was gone.

And last week it feels it feels like it all
came to a head of like I feel totally out
of control. And then today I was like, I have
no routine. I'm starting a routine, and so I took
it out on our kids. And today I told because
Brin has been realized last week that if he doesn't

want to do a schoolwork thing, all he has to
do is be difficult and then he'll just get to
watch TV. And so today I was like, it's he's
going to fight this so hard. But new rules, which
is the TV does not go on unless he does
every single thing that his teacher has asked him to do,
and he has gone outside. Yeah, they really need to

get outside. The days that they get outside and really
run around. There's so much better today, and I went
for a walk first before they woke up. He fought
me harder than he's ever fought anything because he didn't
want to write one sentence. I realized I've been letting
me get away with that. I said him to his
room twice, and he finally came down after hours of

of not writing the one sentence for his weekend news,
which he is fully capable of doing. He's like, he's fighting,
He's like, I don't want to do it. He got
really anxious about it. And then finally he came down
after like making up with me twice, and he just

did him. Two seconds was over, and then he was
suddenly really proud of himself. And then he did the
two other things that he didn't want to do, and
he we spent more time doing work, but he was
happy doing it, and then we went outside and it
was great. I'm like, all right, that's the new routine.
That's what we're doing. And now that your sister is
away this week, he also has to walk the dog
in the middle of the day, all this before you

can turn on the TV. That's good. Yeah, I have
been trying to give myself a routine which is like
meditate due gratitude and then ideally I exercise at some
point during the day, but that doesn't always happen. And
I've noticed that on weekends my routine tends to fall

apart because it's like the kids are just in my
face and it's like hard to pull myself away to
do my routines. But I did this weekend. Actually, I
think meditate both days, and I feel like it makes
such a huge difference anyway. Um, So I would choose
dr Manhattan child. I'll sit there meditating with them, and

I like, I would probably be like trying to connect
a lot and be like, yeah, I think I'm picking
up on that too, but like I wouldn't no half
of what they know, you know what, Realistically, I think
I would pick the famous kid. Wouldn't that kind of

kill you? Though? Like, as as an entertainer to have
like to be eclipsed by your child, I don't mind
being eclipsed. It's the well that would give me opportunities
like industry connections to do projects I wanted to do.
Um But boy, I would then be like, we're going

to think of me as like I'm just justin Bieber's dad,
if you tried to leverage that for industry connections, you
would be just like the sad dad, like everyone in
the industry, like his dad's asking us if you can
do a walk on in the scene. Here's here's the thing, though,
we would we would never be this child's parents because

we would never push our kids the way Justin Bieber
or McAuley culkins parents push them. Right. Well, yeah, well
I don't think. I just don't think either of our
kids are suited to that right now, So I don't.
We've I've had a lot of people ask me to,
like bring brand to an audition, and I'm like, I'm
not gonna do that. He won't take direction, but mostly

I don't want to. Yeah, let's not really encourage them
at anything like your parents are. I'm like, you guys
need to have real careers, not like us. Let's not
encourage them. They'll like one eight on us and be
scientists or something. Sure, we'll send them to business school.

This next segment is called Listeners Want to Knows. It's
where we take questions and comments from you guys. This
email comes to us from to Lisa, subject line we
Knows Love from Oregon and baby pick Kiki Ki Kiki kick.
There's four seas, so I had to stay it that way.
pickI Ki Ki Kiki kick all right? Right for Baby Picks,
this is the same child baby and young boom, Oh

my god, Oh my god, she's so cute. Little pigtails.
Oh my god. Hello Beth and Peter all caps, gosh.
I've been listening to We Knows for an age now,
and honestly, it's the only podcast, especially geared towards parenting,
that I truly look forward to and genuinely joy enjoy.

I've tried some other parenting pods and none of them
did it for me, So I'd like to thank you
for your honesty with and authenticity with this pod. It's
refreshing af So I'm writing to you from Portland, Oregon.
I'm thirty. My first child is four and a half
years old. Photos here are of Madeleine or Madeline um

when she was a few months old and recently wanted
for now. I'm writing this before her dinner and bath,
so it won't be the most well written, as I'm
trying to be concise and quick to get our evening
routine going. Long story short, all caps I'm pregnant during
the pandemic. Yikes, I did listen. I did listen to

Beth's book. Loved it. Thank you Beth. I'm almost thirty
five weeks along. I've got a puppy. I've got a puppy.
What a dumb idea that was her saying that, not me,
and now homeschooling my four year old. Um, I'm exhausted,
like many of us parents are. My fiance is going

into work every day and we are also opening a
restaurant on the side, so he's double booked and basically
never home until the evening routine is over. The picture
I'm trying to paint is this. I'm really so religious
about my cleaning, about cleaning my house and having things
in order, which is very hard to do with a toddler,

a puppy, and a third trimester belly, But I get
it done. My biggest fear right now is that when
I'm lying in our room with a new baby on
my bob, my fiance God bless him, will let the
house go to absolute shambles. I physically won't be able
to stop the madness. I have nightmares of a greasy
stove and puppy pea on the floor, him using the

white dish towels to clean up some filthy mess on
the floors. I'm just not ready for my orderly home
to be ruined. I have to figure out what to
do about this dilemma. Do I just stop fretting over
what I have inevitably inevitably kind of about what I
inevitably cannot control. Or do I keep driving home the
message to everyone in the house that they're responsible for

keeping some semblance of tidiness around the place. Do I
hobble my ass out here during my fourth trimester aches
and pains to give orders. I just don't know what
I'll do. My fiance has created many things, but Lord
knows he can't clean to my standards. Also, I'm just
naturally better at multitasking and apprehending the messes um before

they happen. It's kind of a juggling act. During one
of your recent episodes, someone asked Beth about family movie night,
and she replied that while she enjoys it, it's also
a great time for her to just get some cleaning done.
I can relate to this because I have trouble sitting
through movies or other activities, knowing there's a running list
of things I'd like to get done in the house
because in the long run, it makes things run much smoother.

What do you guys think about all this? What's a
girl to do? Advice, tips, hacks, Welcome, lots of love
from Oregon kind regards Teresa. I really relate to this,
she I, Um, did she say she was in an
apartment or no? I can't remember, um, but I think so.

I talked to you about this last week. But I
when we were in our apartment. Up until recently, I
have been, you know, pretty anal about cleaning, just because
there's only so much surface area and it felt it
makes me feel insane when you can't find stuff and
everything is just like piled up. And since we've gotten

to the house we're currently living in during coronavirus times,
we have to have much more space, and my sister
is living with us, and she's not quite as tidy
as me, nor are you. Um, and I've had to
really start to like mentally adjust to like more clutter

and stuff everywhere. And I do think like the solution
is a combination of both, which is like when she
has a newborn baby, I think she deserves to have
clean bottles or whatever she needs breast pump parts, Like
she deserves to be able to go in her kitchen
like make a meal and not have like piles of stuff.
But I the broader like clutter issues. I think it

would probably be good if she could try to mentally
adjust expectations a little bit. Yeah, it is so as
the person who slowly started to understand your cleanly needs
and being able to physically see the messes because I
was so like whatever and I was like, I don't

understand and not even noticing when things are being cleaned up.
Over a long period of time, I've adjusted pretty dramatically
and i'd see a space through your eyes. Well, because
I trained you and my that's my advice is to
focus on one activity at a time so that you

don't overwhelm his little man brain, um, and I like,
try to calmly without getting angry, say can you take
out the trash? Can you take out the trash? And
you say it over multiple times with the course of
a week or two, until that activity starts to become
a little bit more you know, automatic for him, and

then you move on to like loading the dishwasher or
like these, and you have the thing is that boy,
that what you just described is not is not how
I recall it. And this is a selfish thing, which
is the beginning of this is defensive, which is you
try to rationalize it because no one wants to be

told that they're doing it wrong or like no, or
they're like you're not helping. And so my first reaction is,
it's fine, you're overreacting. I clean at different times than you,
and like part of it was a different processing and
like we you know, blah blah blah. But I realized
that like there's you can't ask somebody to lower their standards.

It's like it's you know, you can't tell someone not
to feel the way they feel. And so in any
roommate situation, I do think when it's really clean, like
we're all calmer to some degree. Well it's just that
I'm more sensitive to it, right. But there's a certain point,
I mean, after a lot of struggle and me fighting.
And I've said this before, but I changed my behavior

a lot, not because I was like I'm gonna help out,
I'm gonna be nice. It was out of spite um
and I was like, oh, you're keeping score. Well, I'm
gonna literally do everything so that you can't possibly criticize me.
Ha ha, I've beat you, Beth. But of course that's

exactly what you wanted. And so when you say things
like I trained him, I'm like, oh, fuck you. I
put in the work and I changed it. Oh that's
what you wanted. Oh that is so it was not
a smooth thing and I and initially I was like,
I'm gonna do this so you can't possibly criticized me.

But the surprising result was that, like, I'm much happier
when I'm on top of things, and when and when
I was, you know, the more I was taking you know,
I've said this before. If you think you're taking care
of everything, then you know you're at least taking care
of half. And so there were times where I'm like,
I'm more on top of things, so I'm probably fine.

Something that I feel like, maybe we heard this when
I was pregnant for the first time. Maybe it was
like our midwives or something, but there's like something where
in a healthy partnership, like a partnership, everyone feels like
they're doing sixty of the work. Yeah, that's become My
only advice to my male friends is I just say,

literally do everything they like. But you can't tell like,
just literally do everything, because it's still not actually everything.
Because he didn't think of everything, it won't be but
there's still like a ton of dirty laundry that you
didn't even think about the thing that I was shocked
to us once I got to a place where I
felt like I was doing the majority, it wasn't that

I beat you. It's that I felt really good about myself.
I'm an adult, I'm reliable people. I mean, I I
think one of my biggest fears is you thinking of
me as a nuisance or not reliable or stupid or whatever.

And the idea of you looking to me as someone
who will take care of you, um is like it's
like overwhelming. I mean, that's not like you, Uh what

do you say? I'm when you were proud of me,
or when you you rely on me, when I take
care of things, When I feel like you're actually reliable
and when you you know there are certain things that
that you rely on me to do or that you don't.
That's how I feel. If I do like school drop

off for you, which is like there's certain things that
I just don't really do, and that's one of them.
And when I have to get up out of bed,
get the kids dressed, get them where they're going, and
like I do it all by myself, and like I
did it, Like I just like because there it's like
so hard, Like when when you're doing tasks that you

don't normally do, there's so much harder than if you
had like a routine. Oh yeah, I'll tell you, like
getting up and taking the kids to things. That was
definitely one that started out of spite. Well, that started
when I was recovering from thyroid surgery and then I
just we just kept doing it. Yeah, But then that

was one where I was like, I'm really I like
to do this. I mean, you're definitely better at it
than me. I don't like waking up early when I
haven't got enough sleep, but I can do it. You're
better being sleep deprived that I am. Yes, And you're
better physically carrying children across the you know, and our

children are scared more scared of me than they are. Um,
but what should she do? One thing I would say
is while you can right now, you don't want to
nag a person. I know that word is loaded when
you're exhausted and you've just had a baby, So now

is the time, like I would I I think because
you talked about this, you're like, I'm gonna need help.
You're gonna need to take care of things. And I
didn't realize how much I didn't know what the things were,
or how often the things needed to happen, or how
to see it. I think that if somebody handed me

a piece of paper, it was like, laundry happens four
times a week, dishes happened every day, Like here's a
literal list. I think I needed that. I don't have
no idea what your fiance is like, but I'm the
type of person that would have benefited from a very
literal here's what I need you to do. It your responsibility,

but it might serve you in the long run. Yeah,
I think, well, depending on his personality, she could maybe
try to find a strategy. Like I feel like if
they treat this like he's training for a marathon, it's like,
you know, the first week you do a couple of
miles or whatever. If you're like, hey, you just have
to take out this trash, wipe down these counters, do
that a couple of times, and then it's like, by

the time the baby comes, this guy is cleaning the
whole house. Hey, I did not I prefer a checklist.
I'm just saying I don't. I think like people, it's
overwhelming to learn like a lot of things that wants.

It's true, it's true. I mean, maybe do it in stages. Um.
But yeah. Also, don't be afraid to voice your needs
and repeat yourself. I think that's really hard for you, Beth,
to repeat you. I don't like to repeat myself. It's exhausting. Um.
But yeah, like trying to like hold it together and

ask nicely, I think makes a huge difference in whether
you can get someone to do something for you. It's
it's hard to ask nicely when you're feel like you're
repeating yourself. Whenever I feel like, whenever you and I
put an effort into ask nicely, it really backfires. That's

not true. Historically, No, that's not true. I think in
the past we have been on each other's cases about
it back for as when you do it, not when
I do it. When you sometimes when you try to ask,
ask it is not nice. That's not so many times
lately I have been so saut and be like, can
you please do this later? You're right, lately you've been great.

I'm saying historically, I'm like, four years ago, you asking
nice was my least favorite thing. Well, she has a
four year old with this guy, so I'm going to
assume that they've done some work already on communicating. But um,
you the thing that you do that is infuriating is
that you, in trying to be nice, you tiptoe around it,

and so you speak really slowly and carefully in a
way that starts to sound really patronizing, and it's just like, yeah,
it's like you're just you're bringing like a charged anxious
energy to the interaction that makes it feel worse. This
is you try to get really be really nice, and

it sounds so condescending. We do that to each other.
I mean mine's were out of fear and yours more
is more out of trying to not be upset. But again,
in the past, recently you've you've figured out this tone.
I've figured it anyway, Yeah, they'll get through it. You're

you're great. I could tell your email it's very witty
and well written. You communicate well, and I think you're
going to crush it and your fancy. We're rooting for
him and if he fox up right into us and
we'll shame him. And uh, just give up on homeschooling
that four year old because they don't need to know anything.
She's only for school years almost over. It doesn't matter. Yeah,

I mean, get some rest with those pregnant feed up
and watch the TV. Oh, that sounds like a good idea.
Let's do that now. This has been another episode of
We Know His Parenting. If you'd like to write in
and send us an emails, say hello, ask us a
good question. Would you know any or all of the above.
You can email us at we knows pot at gmail
dot com, or you can leave us a voicemail at

three four seven three eight four seven three nine six um.
Check us out on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, we knows pod rate, review, subscribe,
and by my book, there's no manual, honest and glory
wisdom about having a baby. By the book, and we'll
see you next time. My

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